#not quite sure theres a song makes me cry like this one | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

ghost-of-you · 2 years ago

Text

we just danced backwards into each other - ch - part 7

Paring: Calum Hood x Original Female Character.

Warnings: Swearing, mentions of an er visit and vague descriptions of an injury and how it happened, also Lena's team sucks.

Word Count: 9.4k

Authors note: okay, this took a long time to post, sorry about that, i cant even say i hit a writer's block patch because i have been writing a lot about them, i just hit a bit where i could only write flashbacks, i even briefly considered to post a part that was just flashbacks, but that didn't fit the plan, but here we are, hopefully, the next part wont take this long, i already have a solid chunk written. That being said the flashbacks are getting more elaborate, and theres quite a bit of them in this part. As usual, italics are flashbacks.

Read it on AO3

Part 6 Part 8

Masterlist

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Lena wasn't exactly sure what to expect from the meeting she was called in for, she thought it would be about the conversations surrounding her and Calum and when she would be allowed to start putting songs out, but she sure as hell didn’t expect to find herself in the situation she is in.

“What do you mean, supporting act?” Lena asks as calmly as she possibly can.

“You’ll get your own tour next year, but they need an opener and it makes sense-” Her manager sounds calm and slightly condescending and that makes her cut her off.

“No, it doesn’t,” she shakes her head, and Sylvia sighs.

“Lena, you can’t do arenas alone, it will be good for you."

“No, I’m not doing it,” she says, crossing her arms but the look she gets in response makes her shoulders tense.

“You already agreed,” she says and Lena frowns in confusion.

“No, I didn't." She sounds a bit childish. Probably looks it too, arms crossed, hands clenching the ends of her sleeves, a pout she can't really fight on her lips.

“Yes, you did," Sylvia says and the look on her face it's what finally makes the situation make sense.

“The ‘a few concerts’ part of the deal is a whole tour?" She air-quotes, feeling exasperated, "are you fucking kidding me?”

“Lena,” she says, pinching the bridge of her nose and Lena rolls her eyes.

“Fine, great, I’m going on tour with my fake boyfriend, yeehoo," she says, making a dramatic motion with her hands, "does that mean I’ll get to release something?”

“Yes." The word sounds too careful and it makes Lena groan.

“But the first thing will have to be the duet, right?”

“Yes.” The word rings in her ears and it makes her blood boil. It makes her want to start a fight. But she just takes a deep breath, pressing her lips together.

“Okay, can I go now? I have a song to finish and a deadline now."

“Sure."

“Thank you,” she says, pushing her chair back loudly and making her way out the door. She wants to slam it. She wants to slam something. But she ends up slamming into someone. The last person she wants to see at that particular moment.

Lena was slowly walking through the schoolyard, dragging her feet, wishing she didn't have to go to the quad and stay there for another period. She wanted to leave. She wanted to hide. Actually, she wanted to cry and she felt stupid for it, so she wanted to run. But not literally, and if she went to PE, Coach would make her run laps or something and the thought made her want to scream.

To be fair, all her thoughts were making her want to scream. She wanted to scream at herself for failing that test. She wanted to scream at herself for caring so much about one stupid grade she could easily make up for. She wanted to scream for wanting to scream. It was all very frustrating.

It was why she ended up hiding in the corner beside the bleachers where she would sit when she didn't want Coach to force her to participate. Or where she would hide to watch the football team practice sometimes. The second occasion had happened more times than she would want to admit, but she liked understanding when Calum went on about the games and the team, so she started watching it more. It was just about being a good friend. It definitely had nothing to do with the way he would smile at her, a smile that would light up his whole face and he'd even get dimples on his cheeks, when she had an input that made sense. And she was growing to enjoy the sport, even if just because of his sheer enthusiasm.

She wasn't watching the field that day though, too busy feeling sorry for herself to do anything other than stare at the floor, twisting a pebble between her fingers, waiting for the hour to be over. It was why she didn't hear the footsteps approaching her until they were too close for her to run. So she settled to furiously wiping the tears off her cheeks with the back of her hands, letting out a frustrated huff as the tears wouldn't stop, trying to come up with an excuse to give Coach as she turned to look up at whoever it was when they stopped.

But it wasn't Coach, and she watched as Calum, dressed in the school team's uniform, sat down beside her, leaving about a foot of space between them, making her frown. Why wasn't he playing? Coach might not miss Lena, but he would definitely notice that Calum wasn't there.

She was looking at him trying to figure out what to say. Maybe tell him she didn't want to talk. That he should go back. That she wanted to be alone. But before she could say anything he offered her his water bottle, raising his brow in a silent question: do you want me to go? And Lena surprised herself by shaking her head while taking the bottle from his hand.

He didn't say anything, just nodded and looked forward, at the field. And Lena watched him, stunned for a few seconds while taking a big gulp of the water while feeling a rush of affection for him she couldn't quite understand, before shaking her head and scooting closer to him.

They sat there in silence until the bell rang when Calum scrambled to his feet and offered her a hand to help her up too, giving it a comforting squeeze before running back to get his stuff from the locker room, leaving Lena unsure of why she felt like she could follow him anywhere.

“Woah there, love,” Calum chuckles, holding her up, but frowning when he notices the look on her face, “you okay?” He asks, and she groans, closing her eyes, and exhaling sharply before stepping back from him.

“Fine, I gotta go,” she mumbles, stepping around him and moving toward the break room at the end of the hall. She doesn't know exactly what she wants there as she moves to get a glass and stops by the water fountain, hand clutching at the cool metal edge and watching as the water slowly fills the cup. Too slowly.

"Lena," Calum's voice is careful as it comes from somewhere behind her and she groans, staring at the wall.

"Calum, I mean this in the nicest way possible but get out," she says, as calmly as she possibly can, closing her eyes as she takes a sip.

"Lena," he tries again and she sighs.

"Look, really wanna do something self-destructive, picking a fight with you right now would definitely do that and I don't wanna say something I can't take back, so please leave me alone, I promise I'll talk to you once I stop feeling like wanna smash something," she says, clutching the cup with both hands, still staring at the wall.

"Okay, just call me if you need me," he says and she nods.

"Yeah." She is actually surprised when she hears him walking away, but she stays there, slowly counting her breaths as she sips on her water, trying to get a grip on her feelings when she hears footsteps behind her again.

"Calum, I said please," she groans, putting the cup down, but the voice that comes from behind her makes her head snap back.

"Not Calum," Andy says, and she finds him leaning against the doorway, "he did send me, though, he said he didn't think you should be alone," he explains and she stares at him for a few seconds before crossing the room straight into his chest, making him huff out a laugh as he wraps his arms around her, "what happened?"

"We're going on tour," she says, stepping back so she can look at him.

"And you're upset why exactly?" He frowns at her and she purses her lips.

"With 5sos," she says and understanding floods his face.

"We're opening?" He asks and she nods slowly, "so you're not sad, you're pissed."

"Yes."

"Got it, wanna go find something for us to break?"

"Yes, please."

The wait was agonizing. And it was throwing him off. It wasn't like this was the first time Calum and Lena had gone for days without hearing from each other. It wasn't the first time they had a fight that ended with one of them storming off. Granted, this was the first time Lena was the one that initiated the divide between them and stuck with it. But he thought she would come back. She always came back.

Their silly arguments used to end fairly quickly and when he was the one storming out after tearing them apart in one swoop, he felt like he didn't have the right to miss her. He regretted walking out on her the second the door had closed behind him but some part of him still thought it was for the best.

But this time, there wasn't a piece of him that didn't desperately want to fix this. He needed to fix it somehow.

But Lena was gone, no one exactly sure where and it was agonizing because he was terrified he had lost her for good. He was terrified of what she would do.

Most of all he was terrified of how much he missed her.

Their relationship had been about distance for long enough for Calum to be able to compartmentalize the feeling. It came with the job. He was always missing someone.

But this time it felt different. Maybe because he couldn't just call and have the ache softened by the sound of her voice. Maybe it was because there was no escaping it when even looking at a picture of them just made him feel worse.

Someone else might've seen the irony in the way Lena was out, somewhere in the world, convinced he didn't love her while Calum was finally understanding how much he actually did.

Not that he wasn't aware of how non-platonic his feelings for her were. How non-platonic they had always been. But letting himself admit it had him seeing how deep those feelings ran and he couldn't believe how stupid he had been.

She loved him. He knew that for years. He loved her. He also knew that for years. So why had he fought so hard to keep her out? And how had he left himself make her believe he didn't love her?

Granted, he thought she was over him. He thought he had lost his chance. That his time to do something had passed. That a somewhat mended friendship was all he could have after what he did. So he convinced himself that it was what she wanted. That it was what he wanted. And because of that, he had no reaction to give her when she made her feelings known. Again.

The worst part is that he couldn't even blame her for leaving. He sure as fuck would've too if the roles were reversed. He would've done more damage as he left too. It wouldn't be as graceful.

The calm in which she had taken his hand and done the exact same thing he had all those years before, just leaving the piece of them she held onto when he didn't deserve it, all while looking him dead in the eyes, daring him to stop her, was not something he could have achieved.

She walked away and he had to let her do it. He couldn't offer what she wanted. But then again, all he wanted was to get her to stay.

It was how he ran into Andy. The roommate who most definitely hated him. Not that Calum blamed him.

"She's flying back," Andy told him after an awkward greeting, turning back to Calum, “tomorrow if she gets on the plane,” he added before Calum could ask, sliding to the booth across from him.

“You talked to her?” Calum asked and he nodded, "is she safe?"

"She said she is."

"Do you believe her?"

"I don't know," he said, rubbing his forehead.

“How is she?”

“How do you think?” Andy huffed, rolling his eyes.

“I’m still asking,” he said simply and Andy studied him for a few seconds before answering.

“Well, she sounded a lot like she did last time,” he finally said and Calum frowned.

“I don’t know what that means." Those words frustrated him. He used to think there wasn't a part of Lena he didn't know and he didn't like to be confronted with the fact that he didn't know her as well as he thought.

“She sounded numb, dude, avoidance is something she mastered, it was like she couldn’t handle all she was feeling, I’m relieved she’s coming back, the numb stage was a bad one,” he ran a hand through his hair and for a second Calum wondered if he really wanted to know, but he couldn't stop himself from asking.

“Why?”

“She cried for like a whole week and one day she just stopped, it was like she decided she didn't want to feel it anymore, but she wasn't feeling anything else either, she was moving on auto-pilot, burying herself into distractions, she landed herself in the hospital once."

“I didn’t know that."

“She passed out on campus, it sounds worse than it was," Andy's voice was dismissive as he crossed his arms in front of his chest and leaned back on his seat.

“What happened?”

“She was dehydrated, pushed herself too hard, she was actually at the campus health center when it happened, not that anyone thought to tell me that when they called me, it was all ‘Lena is in the hospital, you gotta get here now’," he breathed out a puff of air and Calum considered his words. He really couldn't blame the guy for the way he reacted whenever he was around Lena.

"That sounds like a lot."

"I've spent the whole week waiting for that call again," Andy said, voice low, sounding as if he didn't want to admit what he'd been thinking but also as if he needed Calum to know how bad it could get.

"I know what you think of me, but I'm not trying to hurt her," he defended himself but the other man shook his head.

"You wanting to do it or not doesn't change how it's always happening," he challenged and Calum felt stunned for a second.

"Did you talk to her about-"

"Your situation and why she ran? Yes," he nodded and Calum looked expectantly at him.

"And?"

"She's hiding, she does that, hide until she can handle what she’s feeling," he said and Calum nodded. That he knew. He used to have a list of places she usually hid back home for the days she would run without telling him where she was going. Under the bleachers at their old school, the lookout not far from her mum's house, the park a few blocks from his place, the old playground by Michael's. He used find her and just sit with her until she was ready to talk. "I remember at the beginning of our second year she disappeared for a few days and then came back like nothing happened, I still don’t know where she went,” Andy added with a frustrated huff, and Calum frowned at him. He knew what happened.

“She came to see me," he said and got a puzzled look in return, "We were doing promo back home and she just showed up and followed us around, I think we were telling people she was our hairstylist or something like that.”

Lena had called him one day, saying she was at his hotel lobby. He had not believed her at first but went down anyway, grinning when he saw her, clutching the straps of her backpack while she bounced on the balls of her feet waiting for him. It took until he saw the anxious look on her face as she turned to him for him to start to question why she was there, it was a nine-hour drive after all, but she just hugged him and shrugged the question off. He knew she needed a distraction and he was happy to provide it. Their manager had been annoyed about it, but still made the necessary arrangements for her to be able to stay with him. She went to interviews, and a photoshoot, standing in a corner laughing as she fluffed Michael’s hair with a comb sticking out of her back pocket, saying Calum needed more hair gel, and sat next to him in the back of the van as if she belonged there. The night before they left she curled up on his bed and cried telling him about the fight she had with her mother, and how she just got in her car and drove. The same car he closed the door to in the hotel parking lot because she needed to go back to uni and he had another plane to catch.

“She stayed with us until I had to leave."

“She went to you?” He asked, sounding skeptical and Calum nodded.

“She used to do that a lot, come to me when she wanted to run, I always tried to be there if I could."

"It's just been a while since she ran without telling me." He was back to looking frustrated and Calum narrowed his eyes at him.

"You really care about her, don't you?"

“She’s my family, and honestly, I’m sick of hearing her cry over you, I can’t say I understand why she loves you."

“We had good years before things got too complicated."

“Complicated,” he huffed out a chuckle and Calum frowned.

“What?”

“When she was angry she would pace around, going on about how you kept saying it’s complicated, and calling you very creative names," the blonde explained with a chuckle and Calum narrowed his eyes at him.

"How much did she tell you?" He asked, genuine curiosity in his voice.

"Enough. I think she downplays some of the parts that hurt her the most, but I'm not sure if she's trying to get me not to hate you or if she's just sparing herself."

"It's probably both."

"Definitely both."

"I've been thinking about what you said," Calum said after a beat of silence and Andy looked confused.

"Me?"

"About being someone who deserves how much she loves me," He explained and Andy narrowed his eyes at him. It was unsettling to see how much they looked like Lena's when he stared at him like that.

"Right," he said, sounding skeptical.

"I can't change the shit that already happened, I would if I could, go back and smack some sense into myself, but if she lets me I'll try for as long as it takes to fix it," he paused, but Andy looked unconvinced, "you think she'll talk to me?"

"Honestly? No. Not right now at least," he added after a beat, "but maybe, if you are serious about this, she'll come around."

"I am serious," Calum said and Andy studied him carefully, before seemingly deciding he was being sincere by giving him a small nod.

"Then maybe you still have a chance."

Lena lost track of how long she had been sitting in her car, phone in her hand trying to decide what to do. Calum said to call him if she needed him, so she could call even if she didn’t necessarily need him at the moment. She just feels bad for the way she reacted. And she always hated fighting the urge to talk to him.

The decision shouldn’t be this hard. She should just call him if she wants to talk to him. At least that’s what she’s been telling herself for at least the last thirty minutes, music blaring through the car while clicking in and out of Calum’s contact.

“Just do it,” she tells herself, pausing the music, leaning back against the seat, and closing her eyes as she clicks the call button.

"Hi, L," Luke's voice comes through the phone when she thought the call was about to go to voicemail and Lena frowns slightly, pulling the phone off her ear and checking the screen to see if she dialed the right number, finding Calum's name on it.

"Luke?" She asks, sounding confused and he giggles.

"Cal is occupied, but I didn't want to leave you hanging."

"Oh, you didn't have to, I can call back later," she says, scratching her neck as she hears Calum's voice at a distance.

"Is that my phone?" Calum asks and Luke must've agreed because he adds, "why are you on my phone?" sounding a lot closer.

"It's L, you've been checking it compulsively," Luke says and there's a commotion where she assumes the phone is being passed around because she stops understanding what they are saying.

"Lena? Is everything okay?” He asks, sounding concerned, making her chuckle.

"You said to call if I needed you."

"I did."

"But you're busy, we can talk later, it's fine," she says, scratching her neck but he's quick to stop her dismissal.

"We're pretty much done, I'll be off, in like ten, twenty minutes?"

"Can you meet me then?"

"Yeah, you want me to stop by your place? You wanna come over? You wanna go somewhere? I don't have my car so I would have to go get it but-" He sounds eager and that makes her giggle, looking around herself before interrupting him.

"I can pick you up,” she offers, adjusting in the seat.

“I’ll wait for you then."

“You got your license?” Calum said, sounding skeptical and mildly jealous as he leaned against the open window, making Lena pout, as she gripped the steering wheel tighter.

“Just get in, some of us still have a curfew," she complained and he opened the door, sliding into the passenger side.

“You didn’t answer,” he said while she watched him.

“Seatbelt,” she said and he rolled his eyes, buckling in, “of course I got it, you think mum would let me get the car if I didn’t have a license?”

“When did this happen?”

“About a month ago,” she shrugged, carefully making the car move again and she didn't have to look at him to know he looked offended as he shifted in the seat.

“A month? And you didn’t tell me?"

“And miss the look on your face when I rolled up? No chance," she teased, glancing at him.

“I can’t believe you got your license before me,” he complained, pushing the seat back so he could sit more comfortably and she rolled her eyes.

“No, you’re not allowed to complain, you were just on a world tour, who cares about cars?”

“Says the one with a car."

“It’s not like it's my car.”

“You’re driving it."

“It's not that exciting, but sometimes mum lets me drive myself to school, so that’s cool.'

"So, where are we going?"

"I have no idea, I didn't think that far," she laughed, tapping on the steering wheel.

"We can drive around until we find someplace to stop," he offered and she considered it while he leaned forward to mess with the radio.

“Wait, wanna go to the lookout?” She said, suddenly, looking at him and he grinned at her as he finally got the radio to work.

Lena parked the car, still far from the edge, but close enough for them to be able to look at the lights of the city below, before getting out, moving to the front of the car, Calum following her, looking amused as she moved so she could sit on the hood, patting the space beside her as she leaned against the windshield.

"You've been coming here alone?" He asked once he was settled beside her, and she shrugged, glancing at him.

"Nah, it's weird being here now," she pressed her lips together while he watched her. Everything they used to do together felt lacking when he wasn't there. It just made the constant ache of missing him that much more intense, "and mum doesn't like me being out here by myself so…"

"It's probably not a good idea," he chuckled, eyes still on her making her slide closer to him and drop her head on his shoulder, holding on to his arm. She couldn't quite believe he was really there. Not just a voice on her phone or a face on a screen but within her reach. It made her want to hold on and never let him leave again. And that was stupid all things considered. It was never going to happen. She knew she needed to get over her feelings for him. But that was a problem for future Lena. At that moment the only thing that mattered was that Calum really was there.

"I've been meaning to tell you something," she said, looking forward and she felt him moving beside her.

"What?" He asked and she chewed on her bottom lip.

"It's okay if you're gonna be too busy, I didn't think you'd be here, but you are and well, I can't not invite you but really is okay if you can't go-" she was rambling and she knew she should just say it but the words wouldn't come out until Calum interrupted her.

"Go where?" He chuckled, and she pulled away so she could look at him.

"I booked a gig," she blurted out, pressing her lips together and anxiously watching him. But as his face lit up with a smile she felt stupid for being anxious about telling him. Of course he would be happy for her.

"Really?"

"It's not, you know, one direction, stadium world tour, but they told me they sold like few hundred tickets and I'm just opening and no one is gonna be there to see me and it's okay if you can't go," she was babbling and he looked amused.

"I'm going," he told her and she pressed her lips together.

"Really?"

"You think I'd miss it?"

"I didn’t think you’d be here," she chuckled and he rolled his eyes.

"But I am, so… When is it?"

"The day before you're set to leave."

"I'll be there," he said, sounding determined and that just made her smile at him.

Lena’s about to reach for her phone to let Calum know she’s there when she hears a tap on the passenger window, and she’s startled for a second before unlocking the door.

“How did you know I was here?” She laughs, watching as Calum gets in.

“I didn’t,” he says, making her frown at him, “I saw the car,” he explains, adjusting the seat and buckling in and she nods.

"Right."

"Where are we going?" He asks when they start moving and she laughs.

"I didn't think that far."

"So we're just driving around then?" He asks and she shrugs, "what happened that got you that upset?" He adds and she can feel him watching her.

"You don't know?" She asks, glancing at him and he frowns at her, "I'm your opening act," she adds and she can see he's fighting to keep his expression neutral.

"You are?" He asks, failing to mask the excitement in his voice. She thinks she'll be excited about it soon enough, she liked performing too much to be upset for long. And she knows he's excited about the thought of having her around while on the road again. But she's unsure how she feels about being on tour with him. It's just hard not to think about how badly the last tour they did together ended for the both of them. And they went in with a relationship that was a lot more stable than whatever's happening between them at the moment.

"Yep," she nods and he's still watching her carefully.

"Okay," he says, sounding unsure and she sighs.

"You know the agreement for the relationship?" She starts, looking at him at a red light and he nods, "I didn't know that I was agreeing to the tour too. I'm not mad I'm going on tour with you guys because of you guys, it just felt like a step back you know? And I know I ain't selling out arenas and that this is a good opportunity but I am annoyed." Most of all she's annoyed about the way she keeps getting tricked into doing things, but there's a part of her that doesn't want to do the tour simply because she feels like her career moved so much since the last time she opened for them. Two albums out, a third on the way. Was it crazy for her to not want to do the thing that started it all again?

“Why?” Calum asks and she chews on her bottom lip trying to figure out the right thing to say to get him to understand the issue she has with the situation.

“How would you feel if I told you you need to tour with one direction again?” She asks in return, stealing a glance at him and seeing the emotions on his face as he processes her words: confusion being replaced with understanding being replaced with uneasiness.

“Got it."

“I am sorry about earlier though, so you can stop with the monosyllabic answers-" she chuckles, feeling restless over the way his reactions feel too careful.

“You didn’t do anything wrong,” he says before she can finish her thought.

"-and you're allowed to be happy I'm going on the road with you again," she continues and he laughs.

"I am?" He sounds equal parts unsure and excited and it's a bit disarming.

"Yeah."

"Are you? All things considered?" He asks, genuine concern in his voice, and she considers the question.

"Well, it’s fun, so I'm sure I'll be excited about it soon, but if I'm being honest the idea of spending months seeing you on a semi-daily basis again it's a bit unsettling," she admits, fighting the urge to look at him because she doesn't want to know what she would see in his face if she did.

"Unsettling?"

"I don't know, okay? It's just, I'm trying not to shut you out, but it's weird."

“What?”

“Not fighting the urge to talk to you, I got used to it,” she says, tapping her thumbs against the steering wheel, “we need to finish the song, though,” she chuckles, glancing at him, wanting to change the subject.

“I like the way it is now," he says, simply. She does too. That version may only exist as a voice note recorded with Calum's phone but there's something about it. She really hopes they can capture that in the studio.

“Yeah, me too, but you really think it's gonna work with just the piano?" It's definitely not her usual style and she's worried about how it would sound.

"We could try it out,"

"We can work on it."

“Whenever you want."

“Not now though, now we’re doing something stupid,” she giggles, finally realizing where she wants to go.

“How stupid are we talking here? ‘Cause you have really high standards for stupid,” he jokes and she pouts.

“Hey!” She complains, sounding offended and he laughs.

“I’m just saying, are you just planning on driving until we run out of gas, or are you skipping that and just going straight to the airport? I'm down if you wanna flee the country again, you just need to tell me first,” he tells her and she can't help the way her heart flutters.

“So you would run away with me?”

“Always,” he says, making her have to press her lips together to control the smile threatening to take over her face. It feels unfair, the way he keeps getting these reactions out of her without even trying.

"Do I need a plane ticket and a shiny ring with your name on it?" She jokes, more in an attempt to keep the conversation lighthearted than anything else, but she starts laughing when he groans, rolling his eyes.

"I take it back," he says, and she glances at him, trying to determine how much he means it, but he seems to be fighting to keep a straight face.

"Too late, you're already in the car," she shrugs and he fakes outrage.

"That's kidnapping."

"Hey, you got in willingly," she laughs, looking at him when he laughs too, the sound making her heart beat faster. "I just want ice cream though," she adds, and he nods.

"Of course you do, but why is that stupid?"

"Because we are gonna go out into the world, I don't wanna sit in the car."

"The stupid part here is the risk of getting recognized then, got it."

"For all intents and purposes, we're selling the idea you're my boyfriend now so who the fuck cares if we get spotted together?"

"That's the spirit."

For some reason, Lena hadn't thought about what the batch of promo she would be doing between the legs of the tour meant for her and Calum until she had all her stuff taken down and was about to be ushered into the van to catch a plane to somewhere she wasn't sure where it was. They had three weeks off, at least the band had, she would only get a few days before having to meet the boys for the first show of the North America leg, she was in full promo mode and her team was driving her crazy.

But as she thought about how Calum had said goodbye, too quickly for her to fully process it, she couldn't help but feel anxious. This would be the longest they would be apart since whatever was happening between them had started. And she didn't know what to expect. Things between them had been easy enough she didn't think she had anything to worry about until she was standing in an empty hotel room, looking around to see if she had forgotten something only to find one of Calum's flannels on the couch in the corner.

And suddenly worrying was all she could do, even though she knew she couldn't make any demands. What would they do when the tour started again? Go back to just being friends? Stay in the routine of sneaking into each other's hotel rooms and hooking up in what sometimes felt like any space where they could get alone long enough for sex to happen?

Sure, it wasn't just sex. No matter what Calum said about not giving her a relationship, something more was going on between them. They talked more, they laughed more and Lena couldn't remember the last time they were in a hotel and she fell asleep alone. It was as if removing that line between them that they had danced around for years had them settling into a level of comfort with each other she never had with anyone else. But sometimes she did worry if it was all about proximity. So she was worried about whether the distance between them would change things again. She knew how quickly their relationship could shift. Had things been permanently altered or would this put them back the way they were before they acted on the attraction between them? Could she ever go back if he wanted to, knowing what it was like to have him, all of him? She wasn't sure.

But standing there wasn't going to change anything. She had to leave. There was a plane she needed to be on and she would have plenty of time to wonder if that morning before Calum left had been her last chance to kiss him and just pretend he was hers for a while.

She had just finished checking the front pocket of her backpack to make sure she had her passport and was clutching the fabric of Calum's flannel as she glanced around one more time when the door opened.

"Hey," Calum said, walking in, looking a little breathless under the carefree expression he was wearing as he closed the door behind him.

"Hi," Lena answered, eyeing him suspiciously, "you forgot this," she added, offering him the flannel and he nodded, taking it and putting it on over his t-shirt so he wouldn't have to carry it, "I was about to go find you."

"I thought I should walk you down," he said, stepping closer to her. He was staying there another day, doing some exploring, like Ashton liked to say, so there was no rush for him to leave.

"Okay," she giggled, "let's go then, 'cause I don't need Sylvia yelling at me," she added, adjusting the straps of her backpack on her shoulders and moving to walk around him. She knew not to wait for anything other than him just walking next to her, there was no telling who could see them, so she was surprised when he grabbed her hand.

"Wait," he told her, pulling her to him and she barely had time to react before he was kissing her. And there was nothing calm about it, the way he was kissing her made her head spin as she held on to him.

"Okay, now we can go," he said, pulling away from her, leaving her chasing his lips before she grabbed hold of his shirt and pulled him back to her. She wanted more. She wanted to map out the way kissing him felt like in case she didn't have the chance to do it again and that was what she did. She focused on the feeling of his lips on hers and his hands on her body and the feelings coursing through her.

"Now we can go," she laughed, a little breathless, pulling away from him and moving to the door. She knew he would follow her. And they walked down to the parking lot, after giving the key cards to her manager, Lena rambling about how excited she was for this round of interviews while Calum watched her with a grin on his face that made her heart beat faster.

He pulled her in for a hug, after checking to see if the parking lot was in fact empty, and she breathed him in before pulling away.

"I'll see you in a few weeks," she said, standing on her tiptoes to kiss his cheek before going into the van, putting the backpack on the seat before sitting closer to the open door to wait, leaning into the frame.

"Yeah."

Lena half expected him to turn around and leave, but he surprised her again by looking around, hoisting himself into the van, kissing her one more time, way too fast for her liking, before going back out, at the same time her manager showed up with the rest of her team.

"Bye, love," Calum said, winking at her, making her laugh, "call me when you land."

“Did you ever think about how fucked up it is that we spend so much of our lives moving?” Lena asks, slamming the car door closed as Calum stops next to her.

“Are you getting philosophical on me?” He asks, narrowing his eyes at her and she shakes her head.

“No, I mean literally,” she explains, and they start moving to the ice cream shop.

“That somehow makes even less sense,” he chuckles and she looks up at him.

“We are always on vehicles, you know? Cars, vans, buses, planes,” she lists, counting her finger and his eyebrow furrow as he studies her.

“Why are you thinking about that?”

“You mentioned running, I started thinking about planes, got into a little existential crisis,” she shrugs, pressing her lips together.

“And decided to drag me with you?" Calum teases, raising an eyebrow at her.

“It’s because you have a headstart on me, I was wondering if you ever had that moment, so, you know, thought I’d do some dragging, ask if you ever wanted to just stop moving." Lena sounds more frustrated than she expects and she chews on the inside of her cheek as she waits for him to say something.

"So you are getting philosophical on me." He looks so understanding, it's disarming.

"I guess," she sighs, scratching her neck and he cooks his head looking at her before reaching around her to open the door.

"Yeah, I have," he says, holding the door open for her to walk into the shop and she murmurs a thank you as she walks in.

"What do you do about it? How do I make the feeling go away?" She asks, stopping suddenly, looking at him and he has to hold out his hands, landing them on her waist so he wouldn't hit her.

"What makes you think I'm any better at it than you?" He laughs, guiding her to the line and she doesn't miss the way his hand stays on the small of her back.

"I mean, everyone seems better at this than me right now, so," she shrugs, trying to sound nonchalant but he can clearly see through it.

Calum seems to be trying to find the right words to say but before he could it's their turn to order and it's not until they are sitting on opposite sides of one of the booths that he speaks again.

"I know that's the worst possible answer, and I sound like a bad self-help book, but you gotta find what works for you."

"Running really works for me," she says, digging into her sundae and he laughs.

"Maybe try calling it a vacation the next time."

"But that's boring," she fake-complains, pouting a little too hard.

"You can always lean into the chaos," he chuckles and she sighs.

"But then I have to deal with the consequences and I'm tired of the consequences," she says, looking down and swirling the spoon around the glass dish.

"Love," Calum's voice is careful and she looks up at him, not letting him continue.

"There's gotta be a better way than imploding my life, that's all I'm saying," she shrugs, shoving ice cream in her mouth in an act that doesn't seem nearly as carefree as she would hope.

"Well, you can find different outlets, but knowing you that would just distract you from the problem, maybe try therapy? That helped me."

"Oh, I am," she tells him, and he laughs at the look on her face.

"Not as instantaneous as you thought it would be, right?"

"Why can't she just fix me?" She complains with a laugh, moving her arms dramatically around her and getting a pressed-lip smile as an answer. Calum's watching her and the look in his eyes makes her feel uneasy. She can't tell what he's seeing in her face but she can't tell he doesn't like seeing it.

"I'm sorry," he says after a beat. So that's what the look was. Guilt.

"What I did is not on you, you know."

"Yeah, but what I did to you is, and I am sorry for my part in it."

"And I forgave you already so, if we want this to work, I need you to stop apologizing."

At first, Lena thought she was imagining the taps on her window. She was still feeling loopy and she was exhausted after the day she had but she couldn't get comfortable. She didn't know if it really was the stitches and the bandage or if it was just how she was extremely aware of them. But the sound happened again and she could swear she heard her name, so she got up, moving to the window. She frowned as she opened it, feeling confused. Were the painkillers enough to get her hallucinating?

"Why are you on my window?" She whispered, carefully leaning forward so she could talk to Calum.

"You weren't answering and your mum won't let me in." He looked anxious, trying his best to scan her through the window as he moved closer to her.

"Because you're an idiot who told her it was your fault," she rolled her eyes because her mum was driving her crazy over what happened, but she regretted the action when he flinched, guilt twisting his features.

"It was my fault." His voice was small even for the rushed whisper conversation they were having and it twisted her heart.

"I fell, it was not your fault," she assured him, but his eyes were still filled with guilt.

"How are you?" He asked, studying her as best he could through the window.

"I'm fine," she assured him but he gave her an unimpressed look.

"Lena."

"I got some stitches, there's some bruising, nothing to worry about." She was downplaying it and they both knew it. She knew it because she had nine stitches under her ribs on her left side towards her back on top of the bruising that came with landing too hard which made it hard for her to even move her arm. He knew it because he saw it as it happened. She didn't see the cut, it was out of her line of sight and she wasn't tempted to try, but the panicked look on Calum's face as Coach ran to her was not something she would forget any time soon.

"I'm sorry."

"It was an accident."

"But-" he tried and she knew he would continue to try and take the blame if she let him talk.

"Calum, were you trying to hurt me?"

"Of course not!" He exclaimed, loud enough for her to worry her mum may have heard it, but she didn't really care.

"Then accept it wasn't your fault, and that I'm fine," she said, but he was still looking anxiously at her. "Just get in," she said, sounding exasperated and moving back so he could climb through the window. "See? I'm fine," she joked, motioning to herself once he was in and he stopped, looking at her.

Calum seemed to determine she was fine because, after a few seconds, she was being pulled into him. The hug would've been tight enough to leave her breathless on a good day, and it felt good after the day she had, but she couldn't stop the pained whimper that escaped her when his arm hit the stitches.

"Shit, sorry," he reacted by letting go of her, taking a few steps back, guilt back to twisting his features when she winced as she touched her side, "are you okay?"

"We already established that I'm fine," she said, closing the distance between them again and wrapping her arms around his middle, "but you won't be if you don't hug me back in the next second," she threatened, hiding her face on the crook of his neck when he didn't move, "I know you got scared but I was the one that was stuck in the ER, so can you just fucking hug me?" She complained, grabbing his arms and placing them around her shoulders and he laughed, tightening his arms around her.

"Are you sure you're fine?" He asked, his face hidden in her hair and she chuckled.

"They let me out of the hospital so how bad could it be?" She mumbled into his skin, before stepping away from him.

"I'm so fucking sorry," he said and she cocked her head, looking at him.

"Hey, all you did was kick a ball," she said, fighting the urge to reach for his hand or caress his cheek given the way he was looking at her.

"I shouldn't have-"

"Oh sure, the footballer shouldn't have kicked a ball,” she interrupted him, rolling her eyes and giving him an unimpressed look, “it was a streak of bad luck, Cal, you had no way of knowing I wasn't gonna be able to catch that, no one in the school had any idea that nail had been dislodged and it sure as fuck was bad luck that I managed to miss the step and land in a way that made that nail drag across my-" she stopped talking when he flinched, and they stared at each other for a beat before his expression softened.

"You're not usually this logical," he pointed out and she shrugged.

"I've been trying to convince mum it wasn't your fault all afternoon," she complained, letting out a dramatic groan and he shook his head.

"Why?"

"She took my phone because you wouldn't stop texting, I needed to do something.”

"So that's why you haven't been answering?"

“Obviously, when did I not answer you?” She said, giving him an annoyed look and he chuckled, “also I had a feeling I might have to convince you you didn't do anything wrong."

“I’m still unconvinced,” he said and she frowned at him.

"If you need me to say it, I forgive you for forgetting I have no athletic inclination," she joked, playfully hitting his chest and he nodded.

"Yeah, what was I thinking believing you could catch a ball without landing yourself in the ER," he deadpanned, and something about it had her breaking down laughing before feeling the stitches and stopping, touching her side.

"Don't make me laugh, it hurts," she complained with a pained chuckle and his face went serious again.

"Did they tell you how long?" Calum asked, scratching his neck.

"I have to go back next week to get the stitches out, but the doctor said the bruising from the way I landed may last longer.”

"This sucks."

"Maybe it will leave a cool scar," she shrugged, pressing her lips together, and he sighed.

"I should go before your mum catches me in here," he said, pointing back to the window and she nodded.

"Okay."

"I'll see you in school tomorrow?" He asked and she shook her head.

"I have a doctor's note, so probably not."

"Right,” he agreed, thinking for a second before adding, “I'll stop by after practice then, bring your homework, maybe your mum will let me in then."

"I'll continue to try and convince her it wasn't your fault."

"Thanks," he kissed the side of her head, moving back to the window, but he stopped before he reached it, "Lena?" He said, turning back, and she scratched her neck.

"Yeah?"

"I love you," he said, stepping back closer to her and she blinked at him a couple of times.

"I know, I don't need to hear it just because I got hurt," she said, tucking her hair behind her ear. It was not like they had never said that to each other before, hell, Calum would end every call with a cheerful “love ya” when he was in Brazil a few months back, but the look on his face felt too serious.

"But I need to say it, you're my best friend, and today sucked, so I need to say it,” he explained, his face intense and Lena wasn’t sure how to react.

“Sweetheart,” she breathed, but she wasn't sure what she wanted to say, so she just moved to wrap her arms around his waist again, "I love you too," she said, head on his chest when he wrapped his arms around her, "you're, like, my favorite person in the planet."

"So can we not go all deep and emotional? At least not right now," she asks, crossing her arms on the table and leaning her chin on top of it, looking at him with pleading eyes, making him laugh and lean back in his seat.

"I'm all for following your lead, remember?"

"Right," she nods, feeling her cheeks heating up as she watches him.

She's not really thinking when she pulls out her phone and snaps a picture of him, the spoon in his mouth and chocolate on his cheek making her act before she processes what she's doing.

"What was that?" Calum asks with a chuckle, raising an eyebrow at her and she shrugs, putting the phone facing down on the table before she can stare at the picture for too long.

"You have chocolate on your cheek."

"So you just took a picture?"

"Yeah," she nods, smiling when it takes him a few tries to clean his cheek.

"Why?"

"Because you're cute," she blurts out, her eyes widening when she notices she said it out loud and he laughs.

"Thanks?"

"Yeah," she drops her forehead to her arms for a second, before looking back at him, letting out a "hey" and sitting up straight when he takes a picture of her too.

"Gotta keep things fair," he teases and she can't help but laugh.

"Idiot," she complains, focusing on her almost-finished ice cream.

"You started it," he shrugs, smiling at her. It's not until that moment that it occurs to her that this feels like a date. And she doesn't know how to feel about it. "Love?" He frowns at her, maybe she's wearing her feelings on her face, and she shakes her head.

"Sorry, I got-" she starts but her phone buzzes in a familiar pattern that lately makes her skin crawl. And she stares at it as it does it again. And a third time that makes her grimace at it like it's radioactive.

"What's wrong?" Calum asks, eyebrows furrowed as he studies her and she sighs.

"Sylvia," she explains, picking the phone up and unlocking it, it would be worse if she ignored it, clicking the notification to find an inquiry as to what she's doing and if she was with Calum and a link. To fucking Twitter. With a picture of them.

"Fuck that was fast," Lena mumbles, sliding in the seat so she could get closer to him to show him the texts.

"Still don't care?" He asks when he finishes reading it and she shakes her head.

"Nah, we look cute," she says, pulling the tweet her manager had linked her to and showing it to him. The picture really is cute, the wilder angle getting the whole booth, her arms crossed on the table, her chin leaning into them as she looks at him, and he's smiling at her, leaning back against the seat. But it does have her looking at the window from where she thinks it was taken.

"What do you think would happen if I liked this?" Calum asks, snapping her out of her thoughts and making her giggle.

"Chaos?"

"And if I retweeted and tagged you?" He has a mischievous glint in his eyes that makes her raise an eyebrow at him.

"I thought I was the one doing stupid shit?"

"Why is it stupid?" He challenges and she presses her lips together.

"I don't know."

"Wait, I have a better idea," he says, pulling out his phone and she laughs when she realizes what he's planning.

"You do remember I don't have access to my official accounts anymore, right?"

"Good thing you're not the only one in this then," he teases, bopping her nose, making her laugh.

"Can I at least see the picture before you do whatever you're about to do?"

"Nah."

"But-"

"Relax, it's a good picture," he says, posting it to his story and she shakes her head, feeling resigned.

"Okay then, give me your phone."

"Why?"

"We might as well go all out," she says, sending the picture she took earlier to him and putting her phone down while taking the phone from his hand and sliding closer to him.

"No soft-launching then, huh?" She laughs, after hitting post, clicking on the bubble with his picture to see the picture he posted of her. And it's a bit weird for her to see the fond look in her eyes as she looks at a point slightly above the camera, so she leans back in the seat. Only realizing Calum had his arm on the seat behind her when she hit it, and suddenly she's extremely aware that she's pressed against his side. Even more when he drapes his arm around her shoulders.

"It's not like I never posted anything with you before," he says, accepting the phone she's handing back.

"You haven't in a while, though, or me posting you for that matter," she says, relaxing into him, even if just unconsciously, her head dropping to his shoulder. "Should we get out of here before someone finds out where we are and decides to come check?" She adds after a beat and he nods.

"I think yes," he says, sliding out and offering her his hand, she takes it and lets him hold it on the way back to her car.

"I don't wanna drive, though," she tells him, crinkling her nose while offering him her car keys. And the laugh she gets in response is enough to keep her smiling all the way home.

_____

I don't have a taglist but hit me up if you want to be tagged.

#wjdbieo #calum hood fanfic #5sos fanfic #5sos fic #calum hood fic #i still dont know how to tags fics yay lslskslsmslslsoks

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loversj0y · 2 years ago

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im crying over techno again (this is long and sad im sorry)

i miss him so much man. i hope he knows how much he did for all of us. ive been rewatching old wilbur videos and seeing him in them brings me so much bittersweet joy. he meant so much to all of us. i hope he knows the ways he changed us.

he was my final push to start streaming. i was inconsolable the night he died. the week after i kept thinking about how long i’d pushed off the idea because i simply didn’t think i had the time. something about losing someone that you even just perceive as being close to you gives such a shift in perspective that i figured at that point it’d be stupid not to. and the thing is, he was so incredibly supportive. of every last one of us. he always supported the people in his community.

its a big thing in my life honestly to live in his memory. usually people say stuff like that in a negative connotation but i dont think its negative. i hold his memory close to me as a reminder of the things that ive lost. and its a comfort in a sense to let his deadpan mockery push me to be better and to do things i might fear doing.

he has a space on my ofrienda. i pray to him in the same way i pray to all the family i have lost because even without knowing him personally, he welcomed us all enough to allow me to feel like there was a family with him when my own felt incendiary and volatile.

i think about the fact that lovejoy is playing a festival with the killers. its a festival im incredibly excited to go to, but on nights like this when im crying over a lost brother i never had, i feel saddened in knowing how much he would have loved to have seen it. i think he will be there, watching. but the feeling wont be the same. i think of how wilbur must feel. knowing that he’s playing a festival with the same band that he’s not only loved, but that he shared his love for with techno, to the point that it made such a strong lasting impression on techno. i hope he knows how proud techno is of him. i hope that if he stays to watch the killers perform, he feels techno with him. because i know he’ll be there.

i have a lot of thoughts on how much he meant to me, to all of us, and im kind of just pouring them out in a stream not unlike the tears that wont seem to stop tonight. if i can be honest, ive been avoiding a lot of stuff related to techno. i took a step back from everything as a whole because it hurt too much and i didnt know what to make of it, not really. i keep finding myself mourning how little time i got to have as an active techno watcher, given how recently i joined the fandom and such, but i also know i should rather feel thankful for every second that i got to have. i find myself avoiding a lot of mentions of technodad still. he’s lovely and he means so much to all of us, just like his son, but i cant help but feel my chest reopen each time i hear him speak about his son. ive seen the feeling of watching a person you love mourn a family member who was taken too young personally. ive seen it in my own family with my cousin, and it all feels so heavy. i know there is this narrative of being thankful for the time we had with a person. but i still consistently find myself balanced on the precipice of anger and acceptance. i dont struggle with bargaining or depression, let alone denial. i know hes gone. i know nothing will change that. but i also will never be content in feeling appreciative of the time we had because we could have had more time. even if it was just a. second more. it wouldnt change things but maybe it would ease the ache in my heart as i think on all of the people who loved him who will live past him, myself included.

i keep coming back to the song life worth missing by car seat headrest. i cant quite explain where i find the parallels but i feel it in this delicate balance that i find in the song. theres this delicate balance between grieving and losing yourself in grief and im not that sure that ive found it. for a control freak, one of the things that always has hurt me is my lack of control in death. i cant change it. and all i can control is the way to cope but i simply dont know how to do that. and the temperamental part in my head is the battle i find myself fighting because i know how he wouldnt want this. he wouldnt want the heavy grief but i dont know how to not feel it. i find myself feeling the heavy grief or essentially nothing at all.

and theres quiet, kind moments throughout it all. when i think maybe i can hold his memory and move with it. but those moments dont last long. but they mean more than any other part of this whole process. when i hear him in my head, making fun of me for not putting myself out there. when i feel him supporting me as i feel unstable and shaky. regardless of your thoughts on religion or my own, i know that he is there. whether it is real or it is in my head, both are substantial enough to give me faith. and isnt that religion in and of itself?

i know that all the things we wanted him to know, about how he changed us, how much he meant to us, all of it. i know that he knows them. but i still am allowed to mourn that we never got to feel him know them. am i allowed?

i think im allowed. i think he’d allow it. i think he’d understand.

because when i feel whatever sense might lie in my convoluted ideas of religion and my strong sense of morality, i know one thing above all.

that he understands.

#technoblade #this is sad im sorry #i just really miss techno man #Spotify

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malwarechips · 2 years ago

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Tiso, and obligatory pk ask because he never leaves my brain

ok ok putting these under a cut bcz since theres two it'll probably b quite long

TISO . THE MOST CRINGEFAIL MAN . MY BELOVED

favorite thing about them - he's just sooo pathetic . i love him . why is he like that /complimentary

least favorite thing about them - he's dead :(

favorite line - HMM im gonna look at a list of his quotes here bcz i remember like NO dialogue from ANY characters . ok, ive returned from the hk wiki and the conclusion is: probably his dialogue at blue lake !!! "Garrgh. What a calm place. It's action I want, vicious and deadly battle. This serenity is a bore. So peaceful. So dull."

brOTP - him and cloth 100% . i used to think theyd hate each other but then i was like . no actually i think theyd be friends and totally encourage each other to do the most dangerous shit. quirrel has to stop them.

OTP - speaking of quirrel: him and quirrel <3 its so weird bcz w/ like any other characters w/ those two personalities id be like . no they hate each other. but i think they'd like . balance each other out if that makes sense. also honorable mention to him and god tamer bcz i think its funny. not personally smthn i ship tho bcz i myself think theyre both very gay and have 0 interest in each other's gender

nOTP - uhhhmm im not sure actually ? id say "any of the vessels" but that's kinda a blanket that applies to basically everyone by default for me.

random headcanon - hmmm... ok so the headcanon that he is an ant is pretty popular i think but: so his original concept art by the kickstarter backer who designed him mentions that his hood covers a horn on his head. and i wanted to include that while also still having him be an ant bcz i love ants sooo much. so. i took some creative liberties bcz i dont think there are any ants with spikes on their head BUT . there is streblognathus peetersi . which has a very prominent spike between it's thorax and its abdomen !! so i just kinda moved it to his head and called it a day. so i technically have a very specific species headcanon for him. ok short ramble abt spiky ants over

unpopular opinion - not sure i have one rlly?

song i associate with them - UHMMMM ... god im trying to think of one now . i SWEAR ive had some but i always forget song titles. probably this cover of Hit the Road Jack . im not entirely sure why but! it gives me tiso vibes

favorite picture of them - probably the little pose he pulls in the pantheon of hallownest. he looks so cool only to get crushed </3 utter cringefail man i love him

OK . PK . as a note i may not have all that much for him since i only recently started actually rthinking abt him more .

favorite thing about them - hmmm. id say his design is a big thing that i rlly enjoy !!!

least favorite thing about them - I HAVE NO IDEA . possibly the fact that he has so little dialogue but he's kinda dead so thats probably why.

favorite line - as said before he doesnt rlly have much dialogue but i'd have to say the iconic abyss dialogue. "No cost too great. No mind to think. No will to break. No voice to cry suffering. Born of God and Void. You shall seal the blinding light that plagues their dreams. You are the Vessel. You are the Hollow Knight." like cmon . its very cool i think

brOTP - im not sure !! i personally dont really see him being close friends with basically anyone in hallownest or anything.

OTP - id probably have to say him and white lady. i think they really did care about each other, but i dont really have much to say outside of that since as i said before i only recently started actually thinking about pk more.

nOTP - once again i dont really have one outside of "any of the vessels". also including hornet this time bcz like . he's her dad. but yeah outside of the usuals like that i dont really have one

random headcanon - constant eyebags . he always looks like he hasnt slept in 5 weeks (and he probably hasnt) . sleep? never heard of her . whos that .

unpopular opinion - once again im not sure i have one really? i dont really know what would apply with the term unpopular when it comes to my headcanons

song i associate with them - GOODBYE MR A BY THE HOOSIERS. ABSOLUTELY. VIBRATES. i . dont think it fits fully but i am a master of editing songs in my brain to make them fit characters . so it does to me, OKAY ??? /silly

favorite picture of them - probably his silhouette for white defender's arena . idk what it is abt it but i enjoy it greatly i think its the wings.

actually either that or the statue/wishing well of him in ancient basin, if that counts? that statue look sooo cool

#lev.txt #ask #hk #blorbotag

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butchtwelfthdoctor · 10 months ago

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tentative alignment chart of my doctor who ship opinions. it should be noted that a significant amount of these i mean compelling in a 'that's interesting' way not in a 'i ship this' way b/c i also think the doctor is ace and/or aro Most Of The Time it makes sense i swear. explained under the cut cos oh boy do i have thoughts

like ten and river was set up quite compellingly but obv we dont really see much more of that (i think its in some audios but i haven't heard those) and then idk eleven was weird abt it sometimes. and thirteen and yaz was only compelling for like...... the last three specials in which i was losing my mind over 'not such a bad date am i' etc but doesnt make a lot of sense cos there was like zero lead up to that lol.

doctordonna qpr is of course peak, tendonna as a ship is not, tenmartha is..... weird........ like i just cant see a way to keep everything canon that happened and make that not weird. elevenamy and amyrory are like..... ok. like sure amy was a little bit in love with the doctor but it was handled in a kinda boring way imo.

tensaxon is on one hand INCREDIBLY HOMOEROTIC but im sorry i just cant with last of the timelords like sorry but he just genocided earth. like i understand the tension but just eueuuegh. but then end of time part two rolls around and yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. twelvemissy is fantastic because she is trying so hard to cast off everything she's done and she Wants the doctor to love her even just a little bit in any way because she has nothing else left and they are the only people who could possibly understand each other. spydoc is interesting because its kinda an extension of the same - spymaster goes and burns down gallifrey after discovering their secrets because OF COURSE it centers on the doctor, just as everything always does, and he just wants her to understand everything and to realise that despite everything they belong together, the last of the timelords. but of course super messed up because of course.

twelveclara i dont think makes sense romantically but they're just so unhinged about each other especially on clara's part..... its like they're not romantically involved because they have to pretend to themselves that they think about each other a normal amount and in normal ways because otherwise they'd have to realise that whatever they've got going on is messed up.

tenrose has its moments. like it really does. the way he looks at her at the end of the christmas invasion. obviously bad wolf bay. but a lot of the time its like...... they really are just friends!!! but also its a codependant lesbian teenage situationship. except for when its platonic. ninerose has a few moments as well but not as much nine is too emotionally repressed. ninejackrose tenjackmartha has SO MUCH GOING ON i didnt even know where to put those on a dynamic scale because they dynamic has So Much Going On yknow but like........... theres something there......... it sure is happening.........

rose and tentoo is....... fine i guess. like roses ending was so tragic as it was but it was such a strong ending? and bringing her back for journeys end was really cool and i liked it but tentoo commits genocide and then tens like yup uhmmm so i'm dumping him here with you. without asking. but he's me and you're in love with me so its fine bye i'll go cry by myself. which was weird. idk. rose and mickey were only interesting as the counterpoint to roses obvious adoration for the doctor vs her normal teenager relationship with mickey.

river song and missy is crack ship lol but i do think it would have been so fabulous is we'd got some screen time of them together.

#anyways #i'll probably change my mind on most of these lol #doctor who #i wont tag everyone thats obnoxious #the doctor is greyaro and ace i will die on that hill but the Only actual romantic ship i like is thoschei cos its the most interesting #thirteenyaz just does something to me and i dont even know why it wouldnt have worked. it wouldnt have but ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh there were som #Moments™#i spent wayyy to long making this btw #like. damn i dont even ship 95% of these i just think they're interesting hypotheticals

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darkcrowprincess · 2 years ago

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Goldenlightweek 2022 DAY 6: Hurt/Comfort

*takes place post kings tide and pre thanks to them. Warings under age drinking, depression and suicidal thoughts*

Hunter gasps awake in a cold sweat. Hunter has a bad feeling, like a warning. This bad feeling is probably why he woke up so late. He looks around the basement. Gus is asleep next to him on the couch. So is Flapjack by the sleeping bag. So why does he feel like something is wrong? He closes his eyes and thinks back to what he was dreaming. The dream is slipping fast from his mind. However the one thing he remembers for sure is sad hazel brown eyes in the middle of all that darkness. Familiar ones too. Hunter opens his eyes wide in a flash and whispers to himself, "Luz." He doesn't know why but he knows something is wrong with her. Getting up Hunter puts on his shoes and quietly goes up stairs, making sure to avoid creaks and groans on each step. Heading into the living room he stops as he hears a soft sound in the kitchen. The back door opening and closing in time with the wind. Hunter realizes quickly that Luz had left, leaving the backdoor slightly opened in her haste. He knows where she's going. He finds her sitting on the porch of the old house. Still in her pajamas but at least wearing her jacket. A jacket that saved his life. Her back to the front door. Her knees to her chest. All curved up in a ball. Trying to be tiny and hidden. In her hands is a bottle. One she brings to her mouth and drinks. The only noise other than the trees and the wind is her drinking from the glass bottle than setting it down next to her. She is silent, but she sees him. A deep dark sadness in her hazel owl eyes that has almost eaten all the light from her. Hunter swallows his dry throat." What are you doing?! Leaving in the middle of night, and what is that, your drinking?!" He speaks into the night. It echos into the silence of the forest. She still hasn't spoken. Just picks up the bottle again and takes another sip. The not talking is what scares him the most. Luz is a babbling song bird. She's never quite. Never this still. Frustrated but afraid for her he goes up the porch and sits next to her. She smell like alcohol. If he's right it must be Camilla's. He remembers seeing some of it in a glass cabinet, what Camilla describes to him as dominican alcohol rum. In facy bottles that Camila and Manny had saved from their trips to D.R. Luz finally speaks with a slight slur to her words, " I just, I wanted my thoughts to stop for once you know. To stop thinking." Theres a wetness in her voice as she slurs her words. She's been crying. "Thinking about how that door failed. Literally burned up in flames. How we're no closer to figuring anything out." Hunter stays silent as Luz continues, but he holds her hand not holding the bottle. She intertwines her fingers with his, grips back hard. Desperate. "How I can't seem to do anything right! You know. Since me existing is basically the reason estamos jodidos sin suerte." Luz laughs a self-deprecating laugh. Hunter winces(Luz never curses. Cursing in spanish, she must be really upset and really drunk). Hunter goes to take the bottle from her, "Ok I think you had enough." Luz gribs the bottle tight and pouts at him. She takes another drink. "You don't understand." Hunter sighs, "Of course I understand. The secrets, the guilt and the shame. Hating yourself down to your very bones. I fucking get it". Deciding to pull her in his lap and cuddle her close so she doesn't at least freeze to death, they can share body heat. She relaxes into him, but takes another sip of rum. Hunter in an understand voice that echos in the dark Gravesfield forest,"You don't think I can understand what your feelings? The not wanting to exist? That I can't relate? Because I do, you know I do. What we both saw in his mind, was traumatic for the both of us. Whether we like it or not Belos made us realize the worst of ourselves that night." He runs his fingers through her curls, getting a soft hum in approval. Tapping at the bottle he says serious "But this wont help. Believe me." Luz sighs but gives him the bottle. She fully hugs him and cries into his shoulder. He holds her, he will be her safe haven when no one else can be.

#goldenlightweek2022 #the owl house #lunter #yes i'm a lunter shipper #huntceda #goldenluz #goldenlight #hunter x luz #luz x hunter #this is so lunter #huntluz #goldenlight week #my writing

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daegalfangirl · 4 years ago

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└> SUMMARY; based off of the song "bye my first" by nct dream, love is a little hard.

└> GENRE; angst angst angst kind of a teensy bit of fluff??? unrequited love (on both ends) bffs to strangers to friends

└> WORD COUNT; 2.4k+

└> PAIRING; donghyuck/jeno x fem!reader

└> WARNINGS; they grow up like super fast, i think theres cussing i cant remember, donghyuck has like a weird obsessive moment (but it goes away)

└> TAGLIST; @woofie-nctzen-fanarts-320 @skrtbeepbeep @tarolovebot @sunshinedhyuck @haechanswhore (BYEE OMG IM SO SORRY I FORGOT TO ADD YOU TO THE INITIAL TAGLIST 😭😭😭)

└> A/N; the angsty ass heartbreak yet the closure at the end is so UGHHHHHH i wrote this all in an hour and a half and tbh for the time spent on it im extremely satisfied. prolly my fav fic so far (mostly cus im an angst lover) but i really hope y'all like it as much as i did! also i've been super super busy this week i only got the chance to proofread once so i'm very very very sorry for the errors. i also rushed putting this together (bc again im really busy rn) so i apologize if there's anything odd. if there's an error that sticks out obnoxiously to you feel free to tell me!

part of the feelings on shuffle. collab!

ılı.lıllılıı.ıllı

↳ currently playing ;;

Bye My First... - NCT DREAM

0:56 ——•———————— 3:26

↺ << ll >> ⋮≡

ᴠᴏʟᴜᴍᴇ: ————•

Love, I only have you

When I said I'd risk my life

To prove you were my last love

That was yesterday (Woo!)

Your sobs loudly spread through the playground, as the other kids ignore your pain. There was always some crying kid at the playground everyday. Ignoring the pain of a peer was an odd normalization, but it existed at your school. No one seemed to care about your injury.

But he did.

Lee Donghyuck. He was quite popular among your peers due to his extroverted personality. He was the last person you'd expect to see when you opened your eyes.

At first you were in disbelief and thought you misunderstood because of your blurry vision from the overflowing tears.

But it was real.

"Hey, don't cry." He urged, not knowing what to do. He himself didn't know why he was here either, he'd always ignore people when they cried. It's not because he wanted to, but because he didn't know what to do.

Though, when he saw you, he felt the urge to protect you.

That was the first step into something dangerous between the two of you.

To this day you're still not sure whether you regret it or not.

It was clumsy first love

Always by your side, next to you

I followed you around everywhere, I might as well stick to you

I thought everything would work out if we did it all together

"Haechan!" You yelled while running next to your best friend. It was the last day of elementary school, and you wanted to spend the whole day with your best friend (and crush), Lee Donghyuck.

You'd miss him over the summer, he always brightened your day. He felt the same way as well, both of you clinging to each other the whole day.

"You know... It's a different school and stuff. We won't forget about each other Hyuckie, right?" You asked, twiddling with your fingers in worry. "Of course not, we'll always be best friends Y/n." He said as the both of you hugged each other, not wanting to let go.

You'd never let go of him, or so you thought.

Oh, how much simpler it was to be young and careless.

"We have new neighbors Y/n, and they have a son your age. I know you've been missing Donghyuck, so why don't you try to make a new friend?" Your mother urged, saddened by your unhappy state ever since the summer started.

"But mommy... no one will ever replace Donghyuck." You said tearing up. You had really grown a connection with your “best friend”, and it was quite noticeable.

God, were you a sensitive child.

"I'm not telling you to replace him baby, just make a new friend!" She tried once again, hoping you'd follow through with her request.

You mumbled a small fine before going back to your room to put on some shoes. You washed away all your worries, wanting to experience some happiness over the summer.

You opened the door and walked out. You twiddled with your fingers in nervousness, that being one of your most annoying habits. You walked out, and as soon as you went out your eyes met familiar ones.

Haechan?

Haechan!

The both of you ran towards each other, falling on the grass with your bodies attached in a comforting hug. You both laughed and brushed off the grass from your clothes.

"Why are you here Haechan??" You asked, completely confused. How did he know where you lived?? Isn't that a little cree-

"I moved here! I didn't even know you lived here Y/n, but I'm happy." He says clapping his hands, excited for what the summer brings between the two of you.

A summer full of Haechan was exactly what you wanted! You were glad to have your best friend live next door, as it opened more doors for your friendship.

Although, a summer full of Donghyuck was not what you needed for the future.

Those were the days of youth, it was like a movie

The anxiety that's been closely followed by love

I thought I grew up

What do I do?

All those times were memories

It all passed by

6th grade. In 5th grade you were at the top of the chain at the school. Now you begin once again at the bottom. You're finally growing up, something you didn't expect to hit so soon.

Growing up? You're so funny Y/n.

You and Haechan didn't have any classes together, only sharing the same homeroom. It was a bit disheartening, but you knew you guys would still be glued together.

Yeah, you sure knew...

"Y/n, guess what?" Donghyuck said as he ran up to you, clearly in a bright mood. You were happy to see him happy, expecting some great news. You nodded at him and smiled.

"I have a girlfriend!"

The words you've dreaded and hoped to never come out of his mouth.

It was going to happen, was it not? But why so soon....

He was your best friend. Stop overstepping your boundaries Y/n, know your place. You're being selfish, you scolded yourself mentally.

Be happy for him, his happiness is yours.

You nodded and smiled at him, not knowing what else to say. "Do you wanna meet her?" He asked, wanting his best friend and girlfriend to get along. "Sure!" You said, getting up.

"She's in our homeroom, over here!" He said dragging you by your hand. "Hey, Luna, this is my best friend Y/n." Donghyuck said introducing the both of you to each other.

You could detect her scowl from a mile away, her eyes glaring at you and Haechan’s intertwined hands. You looked back at Haechan, clearly oblivious to her reaction.

Couldn't he date someone nicer? It could've been so much easier for you.

They'll break up after a couple weeks, middle school relationships never last.

Their relationship definitely lasted longer than it should have.

Baby (Baby)

I'm really gonna go crazy (Crazy)

Because I fell for you

And all I knew was straight ahead

Donghyuck didn't know what to do.

"Stop being friends with her." The words rang in his head constantly, as he weighed out his options. He couldn't do this to her, not Luna, she was his first girlfriend. He wanted to her to be his first and last

God, what a fucking mistake on his end.

"We can't be friends anymore." Donghyuck said, not bothering to make eye contact with you. Your heart shattered with his words. Why? Why would he do this?

You knew exactly why.

Donghyuck and Luna have been dating on and off since 6th grade, it's now 9th grade. There was always one common subject in their arguments that led to breakups.

You.

You should've known sooner, but it's still a major letdown. You didn't know whether to be disappointed in yourself or Donghyuck. "Okay." You sighed, holding your tears.

"Huh? Really?" Donghyuck said, finally turning to make eye contact with you. Your eyes were never something he could decipher, maybe that's why he was so attracted to you-

-as a friend of course.

Your eyes looked dull, but he couldn't tell what you were feeling in the moment. "It was expected of you, Haechan. You've been avoiding me recently, and it doesn't take a genius to know why." You explained.

"I know you'll be fine. You were turning away from me to hang out with those basketball boys anyways, not that I dislike them." You answered before walking away.

He didn't deserve to see your tears. You're a strong girl, are you not?

You didn't want to hear what he had to say, you didn't even want to hear an apology. You knew Haechan, correction, Donghyuck pitied you in this moment.

You don't need his pity. If he really cared he wouldn't have done this.

All these years so in love with a boy that never cared to love you back, so it felt.

Yeah, now you know how heartbreak feels like.

It's whatever, so so

I guess this is it

I wanted to do better

I still don't know

I've only went this far

(Love is a little hard)

You never opened your curtains. Not once, never again. Your window pointed straight to Donghyuck's room, and you didn't need to be constantly reminded.

You remember when you made the mistake of opening your curtains, you saw Luna in his room, giggling. As soon as she saw you, her laughs amplified.

It was sad. You knew what she was trying to do, yet it still worked.

She knew how to remind you that you've lost, and you let her step on top of you. She won, that's all that mattered in her eyes.

It was all a major reality check, because Donghyuck didn't care. He never did. He never cared about you, not since day 1.

He saved you from that playground, only from mere infatuation. You weren't a fool, you noticed it. He never cared about you, he was just interested in the idea of having a friend like you.

What a piece of shit.

Never, never again.

Donghyuck felt like absolute shit. He had never seen or heard of you after that. Of course he noticed how your curtains were always closed, how could he not?

He asked the Neo basketball team for advice, not knowing what to do. He missed your friendship, he missed you.

How could he have been so inconsiderate?

He remembers how the Neo basketball team looked at him when he explained the story, criticizing him. Taeyong had to be the one to tell everyone to stop, but he shouldn't have.

He knew he deserved it.

He laid on his bed that night. Body facing the window, the one which you shared many memories communicating.

 That night he cried.

For the first time in his life, Lee Donghyuck cried for you.

That's right, I'm so so

Maybe I'm young-minded

I didn't want to be caught

A secret only I know

I'll bury it here

(Love is a little hard)

Donghyuck was popular, he'd been popular his whole life. Not only that, he was commonly crushed around campus. Too bad though, because everyone knew he was Luna's boyfriend.

He knew that everyone viewed him in his relationship as Luna's boyfriend.

Duh, obviously. They were dating. But why did Donghyuck hate the label so much?

The answer was obvious, but he’d never accept the truth. It's far too late.

Today was another realization for Donghyuck. He walked into the library, or almost did. He stopped once he heard Luna's voice. He hoisted the door to the library slightly open so that he could hear what was being said.

"Awe, all alone now aren't you? No Donghyuck to stay by your lonely side? Not anymore.” Luna said, taunting you.

Haechan didn't have to think twice to know who Luna was talking to.

You hummed softly, giving her minimal attention. Luna was unhappy by your response, or lack thereof. "No reaction? Someone’s being a little bold." Luna scowled.

You once again failed to give her any attention. Haechan noticed how the situation was escalating and took the risk of being seen by one of you.

He had to see what was going on, and he decided to peep his head through the door to look at the scene.

You had been intentionally ignoring Luna everytime she tried insulting you, because you knew she always wanted a reaction from you. It reassured her, a win in her eyes.

Luna had enough with you. She had quite the short temper, which wasn't much of a secret to the school. Haechan had never seen her try to get violent, not until now.

She raised her hand, now milliseconds away from slapping you.

That memory will forever be ingrained in his mind, the moment he realized he didn't protect you. He hurt you, he witnessed someone he (thought he) loved try to do the same.

He felt pathetic as he walked away from the library, not bothering to intervene. He decided to keep it to himself, a rather painful secret.

Why did things have to get so complicated?

Ooh, I know as much as everyone else

Now, I'm not

Young anymore

I told you to trust me

Endless love

Someone in your heart

Don't get carried away

It's eventually stop

Junior year. Oh how time passes by so quickly.

Haechan didn't expect to walk into his class on the first day to see you and Jeno laughing. One of his own best friends, how could Jeno do this to him?

All he saw was red. He was lucky that Jaemin stopped him before he did anything he’d regret.

"I'm so fucking tired of this Donghyuck." Jaemin said, clearly about to burst. "Grow the fuck up. She's not yours, she never was. You treated her like shit and now you're angry someone's making her happy again? I don’t wanna get involved in something that has nothing to do with me, but I knew if I didn't pull you back you would've hurt my best friend. I’m not letting that happen, not in my eyes again.."

Jaemin was so right, Haechan couldn't even correct him. It was the truth.

That day, he broke up with Luna.

It's time he starts a new beginning, but he couldn't let go of you, not just yet.

He wanted you back in his life again.

You said I was the only one in the world

But let go of my hand

And I stupidly held onto those days

I truly knew nothing

Such a pure first and last

It all passed by

It was official, the day he had always dreaded. You were officially star basketball player Lee Jeno's girlfriend.

Donghyuck knocked at your door, expecting your mother to open the door. Of course things didn't go according to plan, because Lee fucking Jeno opened the door.

"Huh? Donghyuck? Why are you here." Jeno asked, confused.

You were in the kitchen and as soon as you heard his name you got up in confusion and walked to the door.

It had been so long, too long since the two of you had spoken to one another. "Why are you here, Donghyuck?" You asked in confusion. He could see the way your eyes dulled when you looked at him, and it hurt so much. He deserved it though, he really did. "Let's talk, in private." He said, not wanting to confront you in front of Jeno.

"Okay." You said as Jeno walked back in, you following him outside.

Baby (Baby)

My heart has changed (Heart)

If I don't say something

You'll never notice

"What did you need?" You asked Donghyuck uninterestedly, but still not as bothered as you'd expected. Neither of you felt as if you were prepared for this moment, the closure.

This was the end. The end of you and Donghyuck’s chapter of failed romance.

"I want to try again-" Before silence could pass after his words you laughed loudly. He would've enjoyed the giggle if it was in any other context.

"Now? After how many years? Donghyuck, I don't know what makes you think I'm so easy to get but it's honestly really weird. I thought you'd be happy for me, no?" You asked, utterly confused yet amused.

You sighed, finally deciding to take this seriously. Both of you needed this closure. "Donghyuck I'm thankful for everything, you were my first love. For 7 years I was head over heels for you, but I was too optimistic when it came to my trust in you. I think it's time we both let go and just settle down as friends. I'm sorry it had to be this way, but what's done is done. I'm happy, and I don't want to hurt mine and Jeno's feelings just for your own satisfaction. I love you so much, but I know you can find someone so much better. Please move on, because I have and I don't want to see you in pain. Maybe if things were different we could've been together, maybe if you didn't break my heart.”

Those were the words he needed. It's time.

It's time to let go.

The both of you cried in each other's arms, it was a goodbye to the past and a hello to your present.

"Thank you for everything." You said in a broken voice as Haechan nodded, not wanting to speak knowing his voice would break.

The pain the both of you suffered was immeasurable, but it's what brings you to beautiful moments like these.

Now you're both finally growing up.

So yeah, maybe love is a little hard.

“we’re always learning as we grow. even though we all have our painful experiences, but they shape us into who we are now. so thank you, thank you for shaping me into who i am. i will truly love you till the end. thank you for being my first love, for teaching me to let go.

from your forever best friend, y/n.”

kvydence, 2021 ❣︎

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awsugar · 3 years ago

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As an mcr fan I rarely listen to welcome to the black parade.And tbh I feel like mcr fans generally barely talk about wtbp, it’s more for semi fans who know a few songs. When I listen to it it doesn’t properly feel like an mcr song u know? I can’t explain it. Weird it’ll be the encore on tour when I don’t feel that personally invested in it (I can’t speak for everyone but I personally feel songs like Mama, flw and revenge songs are way more appreciated by intense fans)

ok i have Opinions.

wttbp generally got overplayed at some point just like in the mainstream. like there came a time when it didnt hit as hard. but for so many of us that was our FIRST mcr song. it was the first one we fell in love with. and when i listen to it at the right moment im still like WOW. like what a fucking song. its amazing. it will still make me cry sometimes. it absolutely is an mcr song and one of the most iconic for sure. as the lead single on their most successful album.

so i don't think your experiences are universal. people love that song. also as far as it being a closer on the tour, it makes complete sense to me. like logistically. the final song at any concert is USUALLY that artists most popular song. i think mcr will play some deep cuts on the tour but venues of this size is not like. they're playing shows for the die hard fans in venues of this size. theyre playing for the masses. but also theres a factor of like. certain songs are good closers and others aren't. mcr's most popular song, by the spotify numbers at least, is teenagers by FAR (wack). wttbp is a close second. teenagers is definitely not a final song, where as wttbp has more of the right kind of energy to close out the show (we'll carry on).

do i think wttbp should be the closer? NO! i def think it should be flw or helena.

but like yea i do listen to wttbp and i do appreciate it.

this video of a couple listening to mcr for the first time (wttbp) watching the girls reaction genuinely made me cry. SHE gets it. i think its the closes ill ever come to hearing mcr again. just watching her go through that. its ok if wttbp isn't your favorite but i feel the need to defend it. its amazing and no one writes songs quite like it. theres a reason it sucked an entire generation of teenagers into their clutches.

#anonymous #asks

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raindownforme · 4 years ago

Text

Santa Monica

Ted Nivison x read [they/them used]

(Preface; this fic is gently inspired by the song Santa Monica by the Front Bottoms)

“Maybe I’m just un-lovable.”

“That’s a bit dramatic.”

y/n dug their foot into the sand, spilling a bit onto their beach towel. It was late in the afternoon by now, with the sun starting to reach the horizon between the sea and the sky. Ted was standing nearby, slowly packing up everything they’d both brought to the beach. “I don’t know. Maybe.”

“You’re just being dumb.”

“Don’t call me dumb!” y/n picked up their empty water bottle and tossed it Ted, it bumping into his hip. He laughed at it and tossed it back.

“If you’re being dumb I’ll call you dumb. I mean, there is 1,000 percent someone out there who loves you.”

“Oh yeah? Who?” y/n looked up towards Ted, but he was slightly turned away. They could still see his face was bright red, however. “Are you sunburnt? I have some aloe vera at home.”

“Uh yeah. I think so.”

“Come on let’s head back.” y/n stood up, shoving their towel in their bag, and Ted followed. The pair made their way from the sand to the stone bike path that lead to the pier. Then, they climbed the rotting wooden stairs onto the wooden street, climbing uphill until they reached the busy paved road. They crossed, heading down a block to y/n’s apartment building. They made their way to the rickety elevator that could just barely fit the two of them.

“Fifth floor please.”

“Yeah yeah.” y/n rolled their eyes at ted and pressed the button. They shifted weight on their feet, moving around the small pile of sand that sat in the grooves of the floor. “They really should clean this thing.”

“I don’t know I just work here.”

“Ted I swear-“ The elevator dinged and the two stepped off, walking the eight doors down to y/n’s small apartment. Once inside, y/n slipped off their sandals and went to place everything on the kitchen counters. “Do you want to shower or anything? You should have some extra clothes in my room.”

“No I don’t feel that gross yet.”

“Fine just don’t get sand all over my stuff.”

“I didn’t even go in the water that much!” y/n chuckled as Ted laid back against their yellow couch. “What are you doing over there?”

“I’m just washing all the sand off everything. It kind of needs to be clean before I put it away.”

“Cool. I think I might take a shower.”

“No go ahead you know where everything is.” y/n continued on with cleaning as Ted showered. Almost ten minutes later, they heard the bathroom door open. “Hey if you’re still sun burnt-“

The stopped. Ted was wearing comfortable clothing he’d kept at their place. “What? Is there something on my face?”

“No! No never mind.” y/n turned back to the sand toys drying on the kitchen counter. “There’s still aloe vera in there if you need it.”

“I think I’m good but thanks.” Ted walked over to the kitchen area, lightly pushing y/n over. “Can I get water now.”

“Absolutely not.” y/n jokingly shoved him.

“Yeah y/n?” The two kept pushing back and forth jokingly, playing around with each other as Ted kept trying to reach the Brita filter in the fridge.

“Wait-!” y/n slipped and began to tumble backwards, but Ted dropped his glass to catch them.

The glass shattered and y/n held their breath. One of Ted’s hand was securely on their back, the other gently holding their shoulder. The cup Ted had been holding shattered on the ground beneath the two of them.

“Are you okay?” Ted leaned a bit closer to y/n. He seemed to scan them over, looking for any injury.

“Yeah just don’t set me down I guess.”

“Here watch this.” Ted, the tall boy he was, took a big step across the glass pile, doing his best to pull y/n with him. “Like an angel.”

“Yeah sure.” y/n stood and went to fetch the small broom from the closet. “You didn’t step on any did you?”

“No definitely not.” Ted went back to sit on the couch. “You hungry at all? It’s seven already.”

“I know. Theres a couple places downstairs.”

“You’re still in your bathing suit dumbass.”

“Oh.” y/n looked down at themselves. They set the broom to the side and leaned it against the counter. “Just a moment.”

Ted watched as they went to their room then to the bathroom. “I’ll just wait here.”

“Don’t go in the kitchen yet!” y/n shut the door. Waiting for them to come back out, Ted went through google maps, looking at all the restaurants downstairs.

As the door opened, Ted readjusted his glasses. “Okay so theres Mexican, a bakery, some seafood, and whatever is on the pier. We could go somewhere and sit or grab something and come back.”

“I don’t know. Mexican sounds kind of good. I’m guessing anything else is way over priced.”

“You don’t gotta worry about money with me baby.” Ted’s eyes trailed y/n as they walked back to the kitchen.

“Calling me baby now? Quite bold of you. We haven’t even dated yet.”

Ted felt his face flush and he coughed, trying to hide his face from y/n. “Y-Yet you say?”

y/n paused sweeping. “W-Well. I just- You know what I meant!”

y/n kept sweeping as Ted thought to himself. “Can I… Can I talk about something?”

“Of course you can.” y/n’s voice echoed from the kitchen.

Ted hesitated. “I don’t want to not be friends.”

The sweeping paused. “Why wouldn’t we be?”

Ted took a breath. He sat flat on the couch, glancing around the room, trying to not look at y/n. “I’ve been friends with you for ever now, but I don’t want to anymore. And I don’t want to because I don’t like you. I mean I do like you. I- fuck- I love you. I spend half my day thinking about it you want to do a video with me or hang out or if you need help ever. I can’t not think about it. And I know that you haven’t had the best relationships but I want to make things so much better for you-“

“T-Ted.” y/n was standing in the entry way of the kitchen, holding the broom in one hand while trying to not cry.

“Hey what’s wrong?” He stood up and rushed to their side, gently resting his hands on their face to wipe at stray tears.

“I- you’re really sweet and I didn’t-“ y/n stopped and leaned on their toes to wrap their arms over the top of Ted’s shoulders, peppering kisses on his cheek. “I love you to Ted. I love you so much.”

Ted pulled away for a moment, only to lean back in and kiss y/n firmly on the lips. They both smiled into it, y/n doing their best to pull Ted closer while minding the glass still at their feet.

As they pulled apart, y/n smiled. Tapping lightly on Ted’s shoulder. “So, a relationship you said?”

Ted laughed. “A relationship it is. You wanna go get food?”

“Yeah let me just go get some shoes.”

y/n turned around and Ted was finishing straightening up the kitchen. He put the broom back and looked up to see y/n standing by the door, holding out a hand for him to hold. “Ready baby?”

They smiled. “Ready.”

#ted nivison x reader #ted nivison #ted nivision

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kasjophe · 4 years ago

Text

drarry raising teddy, possible TW

when Draco is having bad days

I have more thoughts on him than Harry, so this will be long and more detailed than post about Potter (I basically wrote there what Malfoy does for him, so general idea is to write what Harry does for Draco)

Harry knows Draco is paranoid and obsessive in general.

first Harry noticed that every night at random hours there are footsteps around the house, to the kitchen or Teddy's room or bathroom (it gave him a scare sometimes but he figured even a thief couldn't stomp as discreetly as Malfoy does) he could hear the stove or faucets going on and off. Murmurs of the boy as Harry felt the protecting charms around the house being layered up again.

Malfoy spend nights over Teddy's crib and one midnight Harry joined him thinking the baby woke up "What are you doing? He's sleeping." "I know." "..Do you want me to watch over him? Is he okay?" "Yeah.. I'm just making sure he's breathing." After that there was a moment of silence. "I do that too sometimes. But it's almost 1 am, Malfoy. And I know it's not my business but-" "You're right. It's not. Just go back to sleep, sorry if I woke you up."

He slowly started being on better terms with Draco and instead of taking turns taking care of the baby, they hang out together, because Teddy started growing and healthy communication around the house was a key to raise him well. So Harry noticed more things.

that Draco would stop playing with Teddy, run to the door and check the locks

after Potter saw blood sinking through Malfoy’s clothes on his left arm he payed more attention to that and realised Draco would never carry Teddy on his left side.. where the Dark Mark is supposed to be

with time Harry learned to actually observe even more

how Draco would wear Christmas sweaters from Molly almost every morning and on movie nights and then out of nowhere there’s no sight of them and he either dresses too formally around the house or wears the same thing for days

how Draco avoids eye contact, becomes stiff and his voice is tense when he’s asked questions

the way confident, snarky yet caring Malfoy would become cold and insecure in a split of seconds (Harry would say those aren’t right words to describe it, but he can’t quite name it either)

Harry sees the way Draco insists to play with Teddy out of nowhere (to the point that even the boy wants him to go away) and glares when you get close to little Lupin (sometimes he literally picks him up before you can touch him and walks away pretending he has something to do)

if you read the when Harry is having bad days you know Draco has his ways to make Potter feel better without making it obvious

so Harry decided to also do something and try to make Draco feel more comfortable and safe

but it seemed like it only made things worse

“Theres’s a letter for you from ‘Mione” “You asked her to do it, didn’t you?”

“Molly is asking what do you want for Sunday dinner?” “Nothing. She’s being polite and doesn’t actually want me there. Only you and Teddy should go.”

“Oh look, your narcissus flowers are bloooming, they look-” “Awful. They are awful. I have to get rid of them.”

“Alright Malfoy, how about chaser one on one round?” “So you would let me win again? No, thanks.”

Harry also learned that Draco is hurting himself. But it's not something he will discuss here.

Harry Potter became desperate to make Draco Malfoy feel better.

Harry learned there are Draco's things, and disturbing them makes him deeply anxious even if he acts as if it's nothing.

Potter doesn't interfere Draco when he's nursing Teddy in the morning - it's their time.

He stopped offering help in the garden and only watches from afar as Malfoy muscles relax when he's watering his precious flowers.

If Draco starts overeating Harry becomes very careful of what he cooks and not to touch something Draco might eat later as comfort food.

Teddy is always a good way to make his caretakers feel better - but he's very significant when it comes to Malfoy.

If Draco stops eating Harry gives Teddy an idea to 'make' breakfast or dinner for all of them and that results in little boy excitedly searching for Malfoy "I made this for you! OH AND THIS TOO DRAY' YOU HAVE TO EAT IT ALL" and Draco's tired eyes lighten and he obediently eats every last piece.

Harry realised Teddy's method works well on Draco in many aspects. But if Malfoy notices - it's over and he gets worse so Potter has to be sneaky about it.

He plays Draco's favourite music and that means Teddy has to dance with Malfoy "because it's their song and Dray knows all the moves"

"Malfoy, how about Quidditch round?" "Potter-" "Come on, Teddy is being raised by two brilliant chasers. We have different techniques, he could learn so much from both of us!" "You use this argument every time." "And look at Teddy! He'll be the greatest." "What if he doesn't want to play Quidditch" Harry bites his tongue from saying something without thinking. "You and Ron will teach him how to play chess then." "Teddy!"

One night when Harry heard creek of the bed and footsteps again he made up his mind. He grabbed his wand and whispered a spell. In other room Draco froze as he saw misty, dazzling stag. Potter listened carefully the whole time but after few minutes of nervous walking there was no more sound that night.

Next night, creek of wood under body weight. Harry's swish of wand. Steady quietness for few minutes. Footsteps again. One trip to the kitchen but then again, peace the whole night.

So it became a routine. For Harry to cast a patronus before sleep. For Draco to fall asleep next to silver stag and stop the urge to get up and check if the stove is turned off, if there's no water leaking, if protecting charms are on and if the little boy sleeping is safe and sound. For Malfoy to close his eyes and not overthink.

They never talk about this.

Harry knows Draco has to notice himself he's being appreciated and not to tell him. So Harry makes sure Molly asks Draco herself to join her in the kitchen (he's the only one she allows in). When Hermione sends an owl on Tuesdays Harry doesn't pick up the mail, so Draco can do it himself.

And whenever Harry notices Christmas sweaters dissapear from the sight he stops wearing his. (he thought about finding them and simply forcing git to wear it but he knows that won't work) Of course Malfoy doesn't ask why Harry stops, his pride won't allow him.

But when Draco opens the closet and sees sweaters with embroidered "H", "D", "T" laying next to each other (Harry can in fact be sneaky) he freezes. After few seconds he picks them up, orders a movie night and they all watch some muggle comedy wearing those cozy sweaters as Teddy falls asleep snuggled between his uncles.

Harry pretending to be mad when Teddy turns his hair white to make sure Draco notices.

Harry making sure it's chilly in the house when Draco stubbornly wears long sleeves when it's bloody hot.

Harry making sure no-one stares at Draco's arm when he's wearing short sleeves.

Harry asking Malfoy the most basics questions like "What's your favourite colour? How do you like your tea? Sea or Mountains?" so Draco can learn to feel more comfortable in conversations. And Malfoy is so grateful he doesn't push Harry away.

Harry Potter knows Draco Malfoy doesn't really have "bad days". Each day is a fight for him. But Harry learns how to help him get through them.

And when the bad days indeed come, he also learns Draco Malfoy doesn't mind a shoulder to cry on. Or arms to be hugged with.

Or a body instead of enchanted mist to fall asleep next to.

I've been making this for almost a week because I wanted to make sure I include everything the way I wanted. Not sure if I achieved it but here we are. I hope you enjoyed.

#draco malfoy #harry potter #drarry #teddy lupin #fanfic #fanfiction #headcanons #headcanon #expecto patronum #angst #fluff

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bratkook · 4 years ago

Text

queen of broken hearts. jjk (m) part three.

“Tell me i’m the worst, make you cry and make you hurt, i’m the queen bow down to me, I will leave you out to bleed.”

part one. part two.

pairing: jungkook x reader genre: angst but theres a happy ending yay word count: 7.4k warnings: nothing crazy this time, just mentions of the explicit polaroid photo, an attempt at infidelity, oc is still a liar who doesn’t deserve anything author’s note: ok i couldn’t not write a third part of this to tie it all up and give you guys the happy ending jk deserves so here it is, i hate this oc and love that all of you hate her too lmaooo

Jungkook glances down at his phone, seeing the text he had just sent. A simple string of letters that spelled ‘i’m outside’, a familiar pattern his fingers had memorized. Except for the first time in a very long time the text wasn’t being sent to you.

The device pings with a response from Taehyung, stating he was on his way down, so he locks it once more and sets it underneath his radio in his car. Jungkook grunts as he catches on to the lyrics ringing in his car and skips the song currently playing, it was one of your favorite songs and once he listened to the lyrics he felt like it was a direct jab at him, especially when you had asked him to download it with that same smile that lead to heartbreak. That didn’t stop him doing as you asked, just because you liked it so much.

The amount of times the song I Feel Bad by Blackbear had played in his car as he left your place had nudged it up the algorithm, making his phone constantly play it when he shuffled all of his songs. He needed to fully delete it from his library.

Jungkook had to admit he was doing pretty good, it was going on 6 weeks and you were still blocked from his instagram. He had even gone as far as making his page private to prevent you from lurking, he doubted you’d go to that extent though, not as desperate to see Jungkook’s life play out without you in it. Surely you had moved on to the next shiny toy.

The only thing he had yet to do was block your number, the small no dignity having part of him hoped that maybe you’d reach out, maybe you’d apologize for anything and everything, maybe you’d wake up and realize how you truly felt for him.

That never happened.

Your thread of messages was bone dry, taunting him in his inbox so much he had to delete it all to stop himself from typing out a message at 3am in sheer desperation. He wouldn’t be reaching out and it was clear you wouldn’t be either.

“Hey man.” Taehyung greets him as he pulls the passenger door open, sliding in with ease and slamming it shut behind him. Jungkook blinks back to reality, giving his friend a small smile as they shake their hands in the playful way they always did.

“Jimin’s not with you?” He wonders, expecting the other boy to have come down with him since they all had plans together.

Taehyung shakes his head as he settles into the seat, adjusting his messy hair in the visor and buckling up just as Jungkook pulls out of the parking spot. “Nah, he’s at his apartment. He told you he’s bringing someone with him right?”

Jungkook frowns at that because no, Jimin hadn’t mentioned bringing anyone along with him and he really hoped it wasn’t a girl. The last thing he wanted was to be subjected to seeing them swap spit when they were meant to be having a guys day. It seemed a little stupid for Jungkook to hope for that but he had grown to appreciate spending more time with his friends lately, once again realizing just how much of his time you had consumed, always ditching the plans he had with his friends to go get his dick wet and his heart shredded.

“It’s some guy that just started working with him.” Taehyung fills in, taking the initiative to be in charge of the music because Jungkook’s current mix was sort of depressing. He frowns as he scrolls through the artists, choosing to type someone in to play music that wasn’t in his library.

When the beginning sounds of a hit Bad Bunny song fill the car Jungkook nearly swerves as he whips his head to stare at Taehyung bobbing along, “Since when the fuck do you know spanish?”

“I don’t, you just gotta vibe along.” He proves his statement by proceeding to horribly sing along in broken spanish, but his energy is contagious, spreading to Jungkook until he was eventually dancing along with him. The two of them making up their own moves on the short drive to Jimin’s and Taehyung can’t help but feel successful at making his friend have a good time. It had been a while since Jungkook behaved like his usual self.

Him and Jimin still didn’t know about you but after he had decided to block you he had fallen into a tiny pit of despair, returning to the shell of himself that they had seen during the weeks you had ghosted him. It took a lot of coaxing before they were able to pull him out, not asking any questions about anything no matter how much their curiosity itched.

They knew their best friend was hurting so they tried their best to do whatever they could to make it better, constantly reaching out to drag him out of his one bedroom apartment, making plans he couldn’t say no to, being the best wing men they could whenever they hit up bars. It had worked though, they had managed to fill up the small you shaped void inside of him enough for him to be able to ignore.

He never really thought of you until he was completely alone, usually when the sky was the darkest and he had trouble sleeping, remembering the countless nights you’d text him to come over when you were also restless. On nights like that he’d force himself to take a sleeping aid, not wanting flashbacks of you underneath him to wear down his strength when he had been doing so well.

So far so good.

“Is this Bad Bunny?” Jimin instantly asks when he enters the car, having already been waiting outside of his complex with his friend beside him.

“Yeah!” Taehyung laughs, turning the volume up slightly.

Jimin just shakes his head as he slides over in his seat, giving Jungkook a similar greeting before his friend follows suit. He’s a silver haired guy with sharp eyes, a small smile being sent Jungkook’s way as Jimin introduces him. “Oh, this is Yoongi, he just became Jamba Juice’s newest bitch.”

Taehyung shoots him a sympathetic look, he had worked along side Jimin a few months ago before quitting in a fit of rage so he knew how unpleasant the job was. “My condolences.”

Yoongi just chuckles, nodding in acceptance, not attempting to deny that the job was hell on earth but it paid alright so he’d just suck it up. “Jimin never shuts up about the two of you at work.”

Jungkook laughs at that as he starts to drive once more, wondering just what Jimin said about them while on the clock, they had all been friends for years so he really had an infinite amount of stories to bring up.

Whatever he had said about them must have been good enough because Yoongi fits right in, balancing out Taehyung’s crude sense of humor with his own, being made aware of some of the inside jokes they all had together and continuing them with ease.

Jungkook begins thinking that he wouldn’t mind Yoongi becoming a part of their group, he had a pretty easy going personality and didn’t protest when Taehyung ended up dragging all of them to some random flea market near by.

Unfortunately it all slowly starts to crumble on the drive towards the restaurant Jimin wanted to try.

“Hey Jungkook, do you have a phone charger?” Jimin asks from the back seat, glaring at the dwindling percentage on his phone due to him now being in charge of the music selection because Taehyung was adamant on playing reggaeton and they were all sick of it.

Jungkook hums in confirmation, too busy staring at his own phone screen for the directions to notice that Jimin was already opening up his center console to grab the cord that he knew was always there.

The photo that greets him as he opens it up definitely isn’t always there though, the shiny polaroid of you looking directly into the lens stares right at Jimin and he immediately recognizes you as the girl from the diner.

“Woah, this is dirty Kook.” He laughs out, trying his best to avert his eyes from the salacious photo and pull out the charger he was originally searching for.

“What?” Taehyung asks, peeking over and gasping obnoxiously when he spots the photo too. He’s not as caring as Jimin is, grabbing the photo from the edges and bringing it up close and personal to his face for a better view.

“Who the fuck is this?” He asks as he stares at the picture with a goofy smile on his face. He tilts the polaroid side to side to look through the glare the sun provides but the raunchy act caught on film is clear as day. Jungkook carries a photo of some girl sucking his dick in his car, what a perv.

Jungkook finally looks up and when he sees the polaroid in Taehyung’s hand he feels his heart drop, reaching across and trying to snatch it but he falls short. Taehyung scoots further in his seat, holding the photo higher up and screaming when the car swerves as Jungkook lurches across his seat and tries to reach for it once more.

“It’s just some girl.” Jungkook grunts as he steadies the car again, his face burning hot as he hears Jimin laughing along in the backseat. Leave it to his friends to act like they’ve never seen more explicit photos, parading it around like it’s the first x-rated polaroid they’ve ever seen as if they didn’t have a collection of ridiculous porn bookmarked onto their phones.

The way Taehyung’s currently holding the photo up gives Yoongi a clear view of it and as his eyes lock onto yours he tilts his head slightly. What was Jungkook doing with a photo of you, covered in cum with his dick in your mouth.

“Is she your girlfriend?” Jimin teases, placing his hands on his shoulders and laughing louder when Jungkook finally snatches the photo from his friends grasp, swatting the side of his head for good measure before stuffing it back into the center console and slamming it shut.

“No, she’s mine.” Yoongi finally speaks up, leaning back into his seat and staring at the back of Jungkook’s head as he drove. A small smile is on his face as he crosses his arms over his chest, the entire car falling into a dead silence, no one wanting to break it until they knew how serious this was.

Taehyung is half expecting this to become a world star beat down whereas Jimin can’t tell if he’s joking or not, his eyes bouncing back and forth between Yoongi and Jungkook. He sort of wishes he had never asked for a charger now.

Jungkook can’t get himself to say anything, his fingers gripping his steering wheel tighter as his mind starts to spin, desperately waiting for the joking laughter to ensue but it never comes.

Could he really be your boyfriend? Had you been with Yoongi even when you were going on dates with Namjoon or was Yoongi new. Then came the twist of the knife when he realizes that if Yoongi was new, filling in Jungkook’s shoes now that he was gone, you had seen him in a better light than you’d ever see Jungkook in, making him your boyfriend in a few weeks when Jungkook’s known you for years.

“Why do you have a photo of Y/N giving you head?” Yoongi asks, a little caught off guard by the situation. The two of you weren’t officially dating yet but considering he had met your family it felt a little unnerving to see a photo of you like that with someone that wasn’t him.

He’s not upset at Jungkook, he can see how flustered he is, but he needed some form of explanation before he filed you under cheater in his mind.

“It’s an old photo.” Jungkook can barely get out, wanting to shrivel up at the awkward tension filling up the car.

“How old?”

“Over a month ago.” That admittedly wasn’t that old and it doesn’t do much to settle Yoongi’s uncertainty but he decides not to push it, the only person who needed to explain was you.

“I can toss the photo if you want me to.” Jungkook suggests, he had forgotten about the photo after he stuffed it into the center console when he left your house and although he would like to keep it, now that the cat was out of the bag and your new boy of interest had seen it, he felt a little wrong holding on to it. What were the fucking odds.

Yoongi shakes his head, it was a photo taken from your camera and you obviously knew it was being taken, if Jungkook wanted to keep it for whatever weird reason that was his call, for all he knew Jungkook was one of your exes.

“Just maybe don’t keep it in your car man.” Yoongi suggests, his fingers itching by his side with the want to text you for an explanation but he knows he needs to play his cards right to get an actual answer from you.

Jungkook takes Yoongi’s suggestion as a demand, the second he gets back home after they finished hanging out he pockets the photo once more and decides to shove the photo deep into his underwear drawer. Hopefully it’s something he’ll forget about and stumble upon in a few years and not feel the same gutted emotions he does now.

Jungkook knows he’s only hurting himself further by allowing a fragile string to continue to tie the two of you together but its the small tinge of hope that maybe one day he’d feel a tug from the string in your direction that prevents him from snipping it.

As he lays in bed he feels a similar dark shadow start to fall over him, reminiscent to the one that had nearly swallowed him whole weeks ago. The only plus side to this was that he now knew that you had moved on, something that should help him think straight, not let his memories get warped until you’re seen as this sweet angel that never did him any wrong.

The other plus side was that he didn’t get his ass beat by Yoongi, the boy had swept it under the rug and went about the rest of the day as if nothing had happened. He was unaware that Yoongi was at your place now with Jungkook being the topic of discussion.

Yoongi was currently trying his best to not burn a hole in your floor as he paced back and forth on your carpet with you staring at him looking as comfortable as ever on your bed. How you looked like that when he had just interrogated you on your relationship with the other boy was beyond him.

He wasn’t even sure if you were lying to him or not, your answers seemed too practiced to be truthful, too thought out for him to fully believe. The second he had brought Jungkook up it was like your brain went into autopilot and the perfect answers he was looking for just spilled out.

But somewhere along the line you said something that rubbed him the wrong way, a phrase that made him double take when you implied that Jungkook meant absolutely nothing to you, how it was all fun and games and Yoongi didn’t buy that for a second. The defeated look on Jungkook’s face throughout the rest of the day showed Yoongi how he felt and it sure as hell didn’t look like absolutely nothing.

Even if you and Jungkook weren’t serious, the way you were speaking about him, with no sympathy or regard to how he felt it made Yoongi a little uncomfortable. Had you said that Jungkook was horrible, treated you like garbage or anything that warranted this sort of reaction he could understand but you just seemed so emotionless.

“You don’t care about him?” Theres been an evil glint in your eye ever since Yoongi mentioned Jungkook, the slight anger you felt at him treating you how you treated him resurfacing at his name. You don’t even know why he’s asking you this, did he want you to say you didn’t care about him to boost his own ego or did he want you to say you did to see if your feelings lied deeper?

“Why should I?” Your tone is cold and Yoongi is a little caught off guard at how quickly you’re able to turn off the bubbly personality he had been drawn to in the beginning.

“I mean considering you let him photograph you sucking his dick I’m not really buying this whole facade you have going on right now.”

A small laugh fills the room and Yoongi can only stare at you, briefly wondering if this was some sort of joke because the way you’re acting now is the polar opposite to the you he’s known for the past month. You just found the situation laughable, you always covered your tracks, careful enough to not trip over your own lies but your edge must be wearing off.

“There’s no facade.” You reply calmly, hoping the soft look in your eyes is convincing enough for him but it’s not. Yoongi knows he must be on to something, the minute he brought Jungkook up he saw the way your demeanor changed and now he wasn’t sure if you were just down right heartless or playing it off.

“You honestly don’t have any empathy for other people do you?” He shoots out, looking directly at you and seeing the way your eyes lose their sweetness, narrowing in size as you try your best not to glare at him but he can see right through it. He can tell he’s digging a little too close to uncharted territory but he was sick of the mystery that was you, never knowing where anything stood because you were too selfish to think of other people’s emotions due to your actions.

“Is that really what you’re focused on.”

“Yeah, a little.” He scoffs in disbelief, “I don’t really want to find out my girlfriend’s a fucking sociopath years down the line.”

You laugh again at that, leaning back on your arms as you sit on your bed, “Girlfriend?” The look you give him makes him stumble over his words for the first time, realizing that you hadn’t ever put a label on what you were and now feeling a little embarrassed by your condescending tone.

You honestly don’t even know why you react the way you do, you actually liked Yoongi, could see this becoming something serious, but the way he was exposing your faults, making you see the parts of you that desperately needed work, it rubbed you the wrong way so you needed to knock him down a few pegs. A classic self sabotaging move you always did, not being able to bite down the hurtful words you knew you’d throw his way.

“You think I’m your girlfriend?” You ask, only rubbing salt onto the slowly opening wound and he almost winces but he can see that this is your defense mechanism so he doesn’t let it burn as much as he knows it should.

“Is that what you’re gonna turn this into?” He counters, a displeased look on his face, “Trying to hurt my feelings because I’m asking you pretty justified questions is a low blow Y/N.”

That shuts you up, the next batch of spiteful words you were ready to shoot his way dissolving on your tongue when you see the way he looks at you. You’d expect him to be angry, visibly upset at what you had said but instead he just looks tired.

“Look, I obviously struck a nerve bringing him up because this–“ he motions to you, making you realize how tense your body had become, “isn’t the you I know, so whenever you decide to put your fangs away and talk about your buried emotions let me know.”

You don’t even know how to respond to the way he shut you down with ease, your eyes only showing more of your confusion when he steps forward and kisses the top of your head, “Goodnight.” Is all he says before turning around to leave your room and apartment altogether.

“Goodnight.” You weakly mumble out as he shuts the door behind him, completely throwing you off the course of events you were sure were about to transpire.

The anger you felt inside slowly starts to fizzle out until all you feel is sick, a pit of disgust brewing inside of you at the way you had behaved. Not just with him but with Jungkook.

This had become a regular feeling for you ever since Jungkook decided to throw you aside, being the main reason you had decided to hold on to Yoongi when you had met him by chance, needing something to distract you so the guilt you felt wouldn’t drive you into doing something you knew you’d regret.

The amount of times you wanted to reach out to him during these last few weeks was concerning for you, never really realizing just how much you relied on him when you needed to get out of your head. The slow clarity that he had always been quick to come to you and offer help in any way he could while you always shut him down, diverting questions when he’d ask what was wrong because you were scared of him getting too close, all it had done was burn him.

You had left him scarred and wounded as he laid on his bed, contemplating smothering himself with his pillow as he regretted his life choices that landed him in this situation. It’s the selfish side of you that has you opening up your phone and calling his number without a second thought, you keep it on speaker and toss it on the bed, half expecting it to go directly to voicemail since you were sure he had blocked your number too, but it continues to ring.

Jungkook nearly bolts up in shock when the phone by his head starts to vibrate and light up, his squinting eyes staring at the screen and freezing when he sees your name displayed on it. He feels like he stops breathing as his phone buzzes on his comforter, it was now clear that Yoongi had in fact brought him up to you and he was pretty sure if he answered the phone it would not go in his favor.

He lets it ring until it eventually goes to voicemail, his phone dimming down once more and he finally relaxes. It only lasts a brief moment, his phone buzzing once more with a text this time and he doesn’t want to open it.

Instead he grabs the device and stuffs it in between his mattress and box spring, shutting his eyes and taking a deep breath before sliding back into bed and forcing himself to sleep.

It doesn’t come easy for either of you, he’s constantly tossing and turning on his bed, having to shove his hands under his butt to get them to stop creeping toward the side his phone was tucked under. You on the other hand are constantly checking your phone when you wake up every few minutes, phantom rings pulling you from your slumber and hoping Jungkook responded to your text but every time you blindly stare at the brightness of your screen you’re met with nothing, not even the read display that usually appeared.

It’s not until the sun peaks over the horizon, the soft orange illuminating the inside of Jungkook’s room and waking him up, that he feels his resolve cracking. He tries to blame it on his half asleep state, not being awake enough to know right from wrong but he’s way too aware of the way his fingers move and latch on to his device as he pulls it from its hiding spot.

It takes him a moment to build up the courage to open up your message, half expecting a massive paragraph with you telling him off for whatever reason but the only thing that greets him is a short ‘can we talk please’.

He’s not sure what makes him wary, the fact that you want to talk or you using the word please. Jungkook’s fingers hover over the keyboard, not sure if he should even respond to you. This was what he wanted though isn’t it? The main reason he had decided not to block your number, hoping you’d reach out and explain yourself. But now that you had done the first half he wasn’t sure he wanted to see it through.

Still, his fingers take over and type out a quick response.

jungkook 7:49am : talk about what

The buzzing wakes you up instantly, your phone clutched to your chest in the same position you had fallen asleep in with the hope that he’d respond.

It’s a little surprising to see that he doesn’t immediately agree like he normally does, dropping whatever he was doing to come to your place like he used to but you guess it was called for.

y/n 7:50am : i just want to clear the air

y/n 7:50am : do you wanna have breakfast?

He hates that he feels the tiniest spark of excitement inside of him at you asking him out for breakfast, something he had been wanting forever, but his fingers shake too much as he holds the device, his body reminding him of the withdraws he had already gone through once before. He couldn’t do this again.

jungkook 7:54am : i don’t think thats a good idea

You can only stare at your screen, not knowing how to respond to his message. It was your own selfish desire to fix things, to help ease the guilt off your chest, that made you want to persuade him to do what you asked but when your phone vibrates a second time you know his mind is set and it’s best to leave it alone.

jungkook 7:57am : please don’t message me again, it’s better this way.

You once again feel the familiar twist in your chest, more so when you respond with a simple okay and your bubble turns green before a notification pops up stating the message could no longer be delivered. Jungkook had been the one to weld the chest shut this time, blocking your number to finalize it before locking his phone once more and begging himself to go about his day as if the curiosity of what you wanted to tell him wasn’t eating him alive.

“Jungkook you need oyster sauce and soy sauce, they’re not interchangeable!” Jimin scolds when Jungkook places the oyster sauce back onto the self, his hand once again swiping it off and placing it into the basket he was currently holding.

“Damn sorry, I told you I don’t know what I’m doing.” Jungkook groans, giving his friend a pout that goes ignored because he’s too focused on running through the list he had on his phone to ensure nothing was forgotten.

Jimin was in charge of helping Jungkook out today on his date, it was Valentines day and Jungkook had been dating his girlfriend for a few months now and wanted to make this date a little more special than just eating out. However, he wasn’t blessed with culinary skills so Jimin would be helping him out throughout it all and making a swift exit before his girlfriend would arrive for dinner.

Jungkook wanders off when he notices Jimin is still hyper focused on the array of sauces lined up in this aisle, ending up in the makeshift Valentines day aisle set up, the plush toys in pink and red all holding candies with cute sayings sewn on to the heart on their chests. It seemed too easy to just pick one up and settle with that so he gives himself a mission to do while Jimin finishes up the essentials.

He roams the entire store, grabbing a lavender wired bucket with enough of his girlfriend’s favorite candies to fill the bottom of it, along with that comes an elephant plushie that happened to be her favorite animal. Jungkook had spotted a bouquet of sunflowers by the front of the store so he makes his way in that direction once more, passing by Jimin who was looking for him but continuing on in his trek.

Just as he grabs the bouquet he wanted he hears his name being called and for a moment he thinks he imagined it, not being able to place the voice it belonged to but when it repeats itself much closer he turns around.

Jungkook is even more caught off guard when he spots your brother, looking nothing like the shy and awkward 13 year old he was back then. He hadn’t seen him since he stopped tutoring him nearly four years ago but he recognized the eyes that he shared with you.

“Jihoon?” He questions, smiling when the younger boy nods. He had always looked up to Jungkook, practically idolized him when he was tutoring him, wanting to be him in every aspect. Jungkook had been everything a nerdy 13 year old boy would want to be, adopting a similar clothing style to him that had managed to still stick around with age.

“I saw you and just had to come say hey.” Jihoon says, pulling him in for a typical bro hug.

Jimin huffs as he reaches Jungkook, having chased him down the aisles and finally catching up to him. He gives the younger boy a wave, a little confused as to who he is but when he hears your voice and spots you, it all clicks in his mind.

“Jihoon c’mon, we need to grab what dad wants!” You shout from the end of the aisle, not wanting to approach Jungkook to save yourself the embarrassment. You were still completely blocked off of everything, no form of communication happening between the two of you since that night. The town you lived in was small so it was kind of inevitable that you’d run in to him eventually but having it be today of all days, with him holding up Valentine’s day items just made it all a little more sour.

He looks up at the sound of your voice and gives you a faint smile because thats just who he is, it doesn’t pain him to look at you now though, the small void you had left inside of him nearly patched all the way up with time and distance.

“I know, but look who it is.” Your brother announces, completely unaware that you and Jungkook had very much stayed in contact after he finished tutoring him. You knew who it was, you were very familiar with Jungkook’s face and could probably spot the back of his head in a crowd.

“Hi Jungkook.” You muster out, slowly making your way down the aisle towards them because you knew your brother wouldn’t back off unless you came over and greeted his old tutor.

“How are things with Yoongi?” Jimin speaks up, a knife slicing through the tension and a knowing look on his face as he stares you down. He knew that you and Yoongi were no longer together, having to be the ear Yoongi vented to with all of your problems while at work and while hanging out, knowing that Yoongi had tried his best to make it work but you had been too stubborn, too stuck in your ways to even budge. Jimin knew enough about you now to be able to connect the dots to the way Jungkook had been so torn months prior. You were a bitch and he didn’t like you.

“Oh, we broke up.” You utter out, an odd look on your face because you had no idea who Jimin was or how he knew both Yoongi and Jungkook but you figure thats irrelevant now, staring back at Jungkook and seeing a neutral expression on his face.

Jihoon, not being able to read the room, asks Jungkook if hes buying groceries for a Valentines date tonight and Jungkook shyly confirms it, teasingly asking Jihoon if he had a date tonight as well. “Nah, haven’t hooked anyone onto me yet. Y/N and I are just helping our dad make something for our mom tonight.”

“Yeah speaking of that, we need to get going Jihoon.” You hope your brother can sense your tone, your fingers tempted to grab onto his hair and yank him away, needing him to move along and let you get as far from Jungkook as possible. That sinking feeling in your stomach had returned, only worsening when you realized how good he was doing, how unaffected he was at seeing you.

“Right, anyways, have a nice night with your girlfriend.” He sings with a playful wave as he retreats from the aisle to go back to shopping. You linger a little at the end of the aisle and stare at him for a moment longer, a small wave being sent his way that he reciprocates with a smile.

“Isn’t she polaroid girl?” Jimin grunts out as he readjusts the basket he was holding, already knowing the answer.

“Yeah.” Jungkook mumbles out, continuing to stare at the end of the aisle where you had disappeared, the polaroid being a distant memory in his mind after he had burned it.

“Babe,” Jungkook laughs into the receiver of his phone, resting against the cool exterior of the bar all of his friends were in, “I promise there wont be a repeat of last time.”

“That laugh means trouble Jungkook,” Sooyoung giggles back, already mentally preparing to baby Jungkook back to health when he undoubtably arrives home absolutely hammered, “If I have to hold your hand while you barf up everything and refuse water again I’m filing for divorce!”

Jungkook gasps dramatically, his hand placed over his heart as he hears the way his wife snickers, “Less than a month after and you’re already calling it quits?”

Sooyoung just hums along, sat on the couch of their house and flicking through the channels to find something to watch while their dog laid snuggled up by her feet, “Thats just how to cookie crumbles, unless,” she pauses, mentally picturing the way Jungkook raises his eyebrows as he waits, “you hold my hand while I barf next week when I go out with the girls.”

“You run a tough bargain, but I’ll even hold your hair back hows that?”

“Sounds perfect, be safe Kookie. I love you.” She smiles as the words leave her mouth, the fluttering affect he had on her never fading even after all this time.

“Always, I love you too.” He blushes as he makes a kissy noise, smiling wide when he hears one back before ending the call and and makes his way back inside, instantly spotting his friends gathered around the booth they had managed to snag.

When he makes his way over to them he slides in beside Taehyung, squishing him and Hobi into the booth and hearing them groan in protest.

“Are you done confessing your profound love for Sooyoung?” Jimin teases before throwing back a shot of vodka, he was already very loosened up, this being the second bar they visited due to celebrating Jimin’s wedding in a week.

“Shut up, as if I didn’t catch you literally on the verge of tears in the bathroom as you talked to Daehyun earlier.” Jungkook smiles when Jimin zips his mouth and locks it with an imaginary key, not denying any but of information Jungkook just spilled out. The rest of his friends howl in laughter at the secret, riling him up further and Jungkook decides his job here is done, getting up to order another drink and another round of shots for everyone else.

He leans over the counter and grabs the bar tenders attention with a soft wave of his hand, “Can I get a whiskey sour and another round of shots of tequila.” The woman nods, already having his card on a tab and begins making the drinks for him.

Jungkook settles into one of the stools there, getting comfortable as he waits, not yet sensing the eyes currently staring a hole through his temple from a few seats away.

You had spotted Jungkook walking in with his friends earlier, watching him step out for a phone call before coming back in again. He looked a little different from the last time you saw him, his hair a little longer now with a slight wave to it as it reached his cheekbones. The last time you had seen him was in passing at the same grocery store a few months ago, you had managed to duck into an aisle before he spotted you, being none the wiser that you were hiding from him.

Jungkook starts to feel the burning from his side of someone staring, slowly turning his head until his eyes meet your stunned ones. You expect him to look away, pretend he doesn’t know you and try to hide like you always do but instead he smiles at you, waving you over like you were an old friend of his.

It takes a few moments of building up courage before you get up from your spot and move across the three stools that separated you two with your drink in your hand.

“Hey, how have you been?” He asks with a soft grin, thanking the bar tender as she places his drink and the line of shots in front of him.

“I’ve been alright, Jihoon just moved out of state for work so my parents have been extra needy without someone to baby.” You force a smile back at him, your finger tracing the rim of your glass as you beg the awkwardness to leave, not used to having the underhand in situations like this.

“He’s gonna do great things I’m sure.” Jungkook sighs, taking a sip of his drink and humming at the taste. Looking at him now was like looking at an entirely different person, sure he had the same face but the way he carried himself was a stark contrast to the Jungkook you were accustomed to from three years ago, no longer second guessing himself, instead speaking with an aura of confidence and ease surrounding him.

“You know he never shut up about you once you stopped tutoring him?” You laugh, seeing the smile spreading on Jungkook’s face, “I remember that one time he begged my parents to buy him that one yellow jacket you own, he had to get straight A’s all semester before they got it for him and he never took it off.”

A genuine smile spreads across your lips as you reminisce on the times before, how you had taken them for granted and now seemed to grasp at anything that reminded you of it.

“We had something good going before, I’m sorry for ruining it.”

That catches Jungkook off guard, setting his drink down with a soft thud as he looks over at you fully, “I guess that depends what you consider good.” He jokes, proud that he can make light of a situation that used to leave him feeling wounded.

“You’re right, I’m sorry.” You cringe, not yet having the luxury of the past not affecting you. He watches on as you take a big gulp of your drink, wiping the excess that drips down your lip with your fingers.

“Don’t be, it’s water under the bridge.” He reassures you, reaching across the small gap between you two and placing his hand over yours when he notices the small trembles of nerves making them shake.

Your hand turns in his grasp, your fingers wrapping around his large ones in a search for comfort. The intentions you originally had when you first spot him leave you as your thumb traces the black band around his ring finger, a clear sign that he was off the market for good, making the words spoil in your mouth as you hold them back.

“Oh, when did this happen?” You ask softly, letting his hand go as he brings it up to spread his fingers out with a proud look on his face.

“About a month ago, I managed to trick someone into marrying me.” He jokes, a glimmer in his eyes as he recalls the day of his wedding, the happiness swelling his heart when he thinks of coming home to Sooyoung after the night is over.

“You never needed to trick someone into marrying you Kookie.” The sound of his nickname doesn’t feel right coming out of your mouth now, like nails to a chalkboard, no longer making his stomach flutter the way it used to.

“It felt like I did.” He admits with a shrug, remembering the years of him pining over you, making a fool of himself for the off chance that’d you one day see him for what he was worth. But like he said, it was all water under the bridge and seeing you here was a welcomed surprise to him now.

You want to say more to him but your tongue gets tied up, no longer having the list of phrases you were going to use when you spotted him. Jungkook catches on to the discomfort growing within you so he downs the rest of his drink to free his hands to be able to carry the shots to his thirsty friends.

“It was good seeing you.” His eyes are sincere as he stares at you for the last time, “I’ll see you around.” You know thats the truth, no doubt would you two run in to each other once more but you know this will be the closest interaction you’ll have. He still had you blocked on everything even years later, not knowing a single piece of information on you and leaving you in the dark about his. But this was just the way things were meant to be.

“Yeah, good seeing you too Jungkook.” You whisper out, watching him as he grasps the shot glasses and makes his way back to his friends, hollers and cheers filling up the bar at the sight of alcohol.

Jungkook slips back into his seat, passing the glasses around to everyone and raising them up to cheer for the end Jimin as an unmarried man. As he throws back the shot, nearly having it come out through his nose when he laughs as he sees the disgusted look Taehyung makes at the taste, he can’t stop himself from looking back in your direction.

You’re still sat on the stool, finishing up the rest of your drink and signing off your tab with a grin on your face. He eyes you curiously when you put your card away, your fingers sorting through your bag before pulling out a shiny diamond ring and slipping it back onto your ring finger.

He can’t help but feel a little disappointed at his realization, having almost fallen into the same web of lies you had intricately set up for him. Staring at him and knowing he’d catch you in the act, hoping to rope him in to bed one last time but the black band on his finger had been what broke the spell, making that same pit of disgust brew inside you and fill you with guilt at what you almost did.

As you walk out, eyes landing on Jungkook’s and noticing that he had spotted your own wedding band you give him that same shamless smile he had burned into his memory before slipping out of the bar altogether, returning home to your husband who would be none the wiser.

Jungkook just shakes his head as he reaches for another shot in the center of the table and throws it back, joining in with the laughter of his friends. Taehyung jostles him around as he recalls a story from the last time they were here but Jungkook’s mind is still focused on you.

Old habits died hard and it seemed like you never had any intention of changing. You may have left him shredded in a thousand parts but he took pride in being able to say that he put himself back together on his own, and when his phone lights up with a goofy selfie of his wife and their dog he realizes he had dodged a bullet, no longer hating the string of events that lead him to where he was now.

#ficswithluv #goldenclosetnet #btswritingcafe #btsghostie #yoonkooknetwork #jungkook smut #jungkook angst #jeon jungkook #jungkook scenarios #new

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carcinized · 3 years ago

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c!tubbo playlist songs & why i picked them!

playlist here (x)

1. fast in my car by paramore

this represents the carefree days of pre-l'manberg and early l'manberg "we're driving fast in my car / we've got our riot gear on but we just want to have fun" as well as kinda just,,, idk it represents him!!! "been through the wringer a couple times/ icame out callous and cruel" also highkey a bench trio song. "and my two friends know this very well / because they went through it too"

2. our own house by misterwives

lmanberg song lmanberg song lmanberg song lmanberg song-

no but seriously. "we built our own house, own house / with our hands over our hearts / and we swore on that day / that it'll never fall apart" LMANBERG. also i feel like it really represents the naivety lmanberg era c!tubbo held, and the happiness: "woke up to the sun / clouds always come undone." i like it

3. inordinary by hayley williams

its so. i dont know it makes me think of l'manberg era ish tubbo and his relationships with people? a lot of it makes me think of tommy, and some of wilbur, and a bit of eret. "we left home when we were teens / i grew bored of simple things / you gave me another chance / a renegade holding your hand / i was somebody's / i was inordinary" mostly this makes me think of l'manberg. tubbo belonged to l'manberg. he still feels like he does, i think.

4. over your head by orla gartland

if you couldn't tell from the first line of the song ("i know you go undercover"), this is about manberg and tubbo's time as a spy. i could talk about how every single line in this song fits something in tubbos story but that would take forever--anyways, a LOT of these lyrics are about his time as a spy, and basically the rest are about wilbur spiraling into insanity. "you cross your fingers and say that you love her / i know that she isn't crazy / but she said that's just the way that you made me" listen. the "you" is wilbur and the "she" is l'manberg and tubbo is the one speaking. i am RIGHT.

(also, i really like the lyric "i met you just at the right time / you were my best friend, but i was just part time" for c!clingy duo. ouch)

5. ain't no crying by derivakat

you all know this song. its about the dream smp lmao. however,,, i'm sorry this is a c!tubbo song. everyone else, sure, but tubbo?? yeah, this is his song. this fits his time as a spy, his time as a president, his skirmishes with las nevadas, all of it. "say it enough and you start believing" hi. spy arc. and then "what am i fighting for / what have i done / what am i dying for / what have we all become / make you live through the pressure / make you live through the pain / sacrifice you for nothing / we're still dying in vain." this literally,,, this literally reads as a duet of technoblade and tubbo at the red festival HELLO?? okay look pink is techno green is tubbo black is lines that dont QUITE fit

what am i fighting for / what have i done / what am i dying for / what have we all become / make you live through the pressure / make you live through the pain / sacrifice you for nothing / we're still dying in vain

hello. live through the pressure. peer pressure. pain. death. dying in vain. sacrifices for nothing. THIS IS ABOUT THE FIREWORKS.

6. interlude: i'm not angry anymore by paramore

lmao tubbo's feelings about technoblade after the red festival it . it fits rlly well honestly. "i'm not angry anymore / well, sometimes i am / i don't think badly of you / well, sometimes i do" also its funny and sarcastic i like it ashfddfsk

7. now by paramore (yes i know theres a lot of paramore on this playlist shut up)

this song feels SO pogtopia vs manberg, pogtopia side. especially for tommy, tubbo, niki, and fundy i think? it fits them so well. "lost the battle / win the war / bringing my sinking ship back to the shore.... there's a time and a place to die / but this ain't it / if there's a future, we want it now" that's pretty much the song!!! also second verse is so niki not relevant to tubbo but listen to it its so c!niki <3

also: the line "feels like i'm wakin' from the dead" fits nicely with tubbo's death by fireworks just before this!!

8. guiltless by dodie

this could be about so many people. tubbo's relationship with wilbur ("you opened a door that a kid shouldn't walk through" hi child soldiers). with tommy. with dream. or, perhaps the most interestingly, you can interpret this as his feelings about l'manberg as a whole. the country, the purpose behind it. IDK IT FEELS FITTING SOMEHOW. this is the only one without a set meaning you can interpret this on yuor own and i wont be a control freak about it LMAO

9. idontwannabeyouanymore by billie eilish

this is about. oh god how do i explain this one. essentially it's new l'manberg now, and this is kind of about tubbo's feelings as president and how he doesn't fit? "if teardrops could be bottled / there'd be swimming pools filled by models / told a tight dress is what makes you a whore / if i love you was a promise / would you break it if you're honest / tell the mirror what you know she's heard before / i don't wanna be you anymore" so obviously this is about body image. HOWEVER the word models can be flipped to mean role models, and if you take out the tight dress line. it fits so well. a boy president, a role model to his whole country. and besides that, the two previous presidents of the country tubbo has seen delve into madness. leaders go mad, tubbo knows this. now he is one.

ALSO, the whole dubiously canon horns growing, making tubbo look like schlatt, who he does not want to be like. this fits. :D

10. told you so by paramore

this is just about being the president lmao. "i hate to say i told you so / they love to say they told me so" pretty simple song but i think it fits him rlly well !! "i know you like / when i admit that i was wrong and you were right / at least i try / to keep my cool when i am thrown into a fire" you get it lmao.

11. hello cold world by paramore (LAST PARAMORE SONG I SWEAR)

this song is just. so bitter. but still hopeful, somehow? which really feels like new l'manberg to me i guess. "it's just a cold, cold world / and i can't get out / so i'll just make the best of everything i'll never have / it's such a cold, cold world, and it's got me down / but i'll get right back up as long as it spins around / hello cold world" IDK I THINK IT FITS? also i like the line "we can hope and we can pray that everything'll work out fine / but you can't just stay down on your knees, the revolution's outside / you wanna make a difference? get out and go, we get it" i dont know this FEELS FITTING FOR HIM OK

12. asking for a friend by mxmtoon

he is lonely and presidential. yes he has quackity and fundy but he doesnt have like,,, tommy or wilbur or eret really and they were the ones he was close to. "i'm standing here alone/ just need someone to hold/ i'd like it if you could be with me, oh" you get it

13. alone by misterwives

bee duo <3 i wrote out a line by line animatic storyboard for this basically but i cant find it anymore cause tumblr is shit </3 anyways. i have an animatic in my head to this for them but you dont but its FINE just know. they are v sweet. "i'm so done with lyin' / done with solo crying / i'm so done with tryin' alone" you get the point blah blah blah this crosses into c!ranboo a little with the line "used a hundred dollar words but couldn't pay the bill" bc it makes me think of "LET ME IN THE PRISON, SAM" and. you know all the lyrics fit one or the other of them but if i talked about them all itd be longer than this post ALREADY is lmao

14. grudges by paramore (I LIED IM SORRY)

this is about c!clingy duo making up after exile lmao

also could be interpreted as about eret and/or wilbur (revivedbur) though!! or, once again, as with all of them, it could be interpreted as being about l'manberg and tubbo's complicated feelings about it, though i have an even BETTER song for that >:)

15. it's my turn by misterwives

this is about the cookie shop lmao </3 "now it's my turn / to be the crazy one / to finally come undone / to go and let the house just burn / to mess the system up" etc etc etc . whats that one thing he said about everyone else getting to mess things up and him not getting to where he justifies the outpost? yeah <3 also the instrumental break in this reminds me of lemon demon so in my head c!ranboo has a cool cameo building the farms and stuff and it looks cool i recommend imagining it while you listen its v epic and cool

16. first by mxmtoon

ironically, this is the last song on the playlist, at least so far. and before any of you freak out this is NOT about fucking bee duo fighting. it's about l'manberg. like it fits so well i like to imagine c!tubbo having written it and singing it to the l'manhole as well as the l'manberg anthem. like. read the lyrics im??? i'm just gonna put most of them here i think they fit. ridiculously well and i will cry

i think we saw it coming it wasn't hard to see the time we had together was over we agreed but i have no regrets just strange to sit and think you spend your time with someone else and then they're gone within a blink it's odd that i can write these songs never knowing right from wrong but when i finally found that my heart could pound the chapter seemed to end i can't believe you've come and gone and you think your future's long but there was just no way nothing we could say the chapter has to end but still know I am thankful for everything you've done although it wasn't easy i'm proud we gave it a run the first of many lessons that i will undergo our journeys will diverge here and we'll learn from what we know

hahahah um hi ??? im gonna cry ahgsdgfklsdf

17. headstones and landmines by lizzy mcalpine

listen his husband just died. he is grieving and i think this song is a good song of that

ANYWAYS. that is the playlist so far nd i am a control freak so i had to write out what i meant by each song before sharing the playlist. here u go lovelies :]

#dsmp #dream smp #mcyt #c!tubbo #allyster rambles

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icecreamkink · 4 years ago

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watched all of the untamed / cql in two weeks after my friend 1 told me abt mdzs a hundred years ago and my friends 2 and 3 tried to get me into cql for like two whole years and there are.

feelings.

very first scene is a very dramatic death in the middle of nightmare battle on sith planet land . i will forget abt it in the next tenish episodes and then will be very surprised when it becomes Extremely Painful

anyway magic flying gays and possession and human sacrifice! we are off to a great start

in retrospect, chaos goblin wei wuxian must have had a blast pretending to be so cRaZy and be as disruptive as he could as mo xuanyu lbr

listen. why is fire always evil coded. cant a magic clan wear red, black and orange and have flame motif while being wholesome?

For Legal Reasons These Are Not Zombies

i wish the politics of the sect were a bit clearer, especially at the beggining when the wen clan had sm power, was wen ruohan the chief cultivator? is that why they were so slow in responding to the attacks? im v confused by the pre yiling patriarch politics

fighting in the roof by the moonlight as way of flirtiiiiiiing. as i understand this is a wuxia/xianxia trope and honestly...... thank u for ur service

slight bullying and being a nuisance in general, as a way of flirting we love to see it

wwx: if i drink on the rooftop, thats not inside the cloud recesses! hmmm check and mate :D lwj: i will fuck u up so help me god wwx: :0

i lov them

through hell or high water (quite literally) wei wuxian rem ains a trashfire gremlin till the end and i love him with my whole heart

in the pt subs wei wuxian calls jiang cheng a stubborn duck and i dearly wish that had come back

my opinions on almost every character goes from love to hate u - Hmm Me Like U - BABY. ILY. and i am Very Pleased w that. its been a while since i loved such a complete cast so much i think

no really. i WONT go into a detailed rant abt what i love about each of these characters and each of their relationships to each other. but i COULD.

some lan disciples in the loudest whisper ever: YEAH THATS THE JIN BASTARD MENG YAO HEARD THE GOT SUPER HUMILIATED BY HIS DAD LOL SURE HOPE HE DOESNT TAKE SLIGHTS TO HIS CHARACTER TO HEART

lan xichen, immediately: i must Love him

being into problematic ppl is in the Lan genetics, we come to realize

wen qing deserves so many awards for so many things but not snapping and just stabbing wen chao is at the top

that scene at lan qirens class where wwx talks about using resentful energy to fight a violent spirit. exquisite.

It establishes Good Student lan wangji, wei wuxian as curious and questioning and not afraid of taboo, lwj sees that wwx is not, in fact, a dumb ass hes just a Dumbass, shows us the audience (esp. a western audience) how shocking the idea of disrupting the dead/dying and controlling resentful energy actually is, the theoretical foreshadow arguing, everyone else like ‘shUT UP’, “and how could you ensure that the resentful energy would obey you and not hurt other?” “well i havent thought that far” and of course, lan qiren just straight up lobbing a hard object at wwx head,. chefs kiss

fellas is it gay to bother the hot rule obessessed nerd from ur school and make drawings of him with flowers in his hair and then hide gay porn in his book to antagonize him and ask him to hold ur hand and be ur friend and talk to him all the time and get him drunk and give him bunnies bc you know he likes them and give him a lantern and always want his attention and dedicate yourself to getting him to smile-

and after all of that wwx rly said oh i Admire him, aksd like yeah we all were there in high school buddy

i have Learned. caves = gay.

accidental marriage +beint physically tied together with the sacred married ribbon+ gay panic+foreshadowing+bunnies! in the cave (1)

the story abt lan yi and baoshan sanren tho. i would like to see it

early days wen bros pull my heart strings like a guqin

EVERYTHING about the lantern scene; disaster hets jiang yanli and jin zixuan; how wwx made lwj a bunny lantern. how soft and touched lwj was. wwx gleefully pointing out he was smiling and lwj IMMEDIATELY PULLING HIW SWORD ON HIM LMAO. tragically foreshadowy promises to do right by pepople, living without regrets. lwjs 'oh no do i love him??' face. just. all of it.

i have it on good acc that in the novel lwj is explicitly Repressed Gay Panicked Big Horny which is delightful and rly Adds to the performance

baby lwj is really just conceal dont feel dont let them know u have EMOTIONS (derogatory)

jiang cheng rly went "why dont.u go play with HIM if u like him so much"

jc and wwx have big BIG annoying sibling energy dont think too hard abt it or youll cry

lotus pier is soo pretty :((((((((((((((((

up until episode 13 you could think this could be a magical ancient chinese gays pride n prejudice w swords and shenanigans ................youre just not prepared for the game of thrones of it all

seriously ha ha ha i cried so much w this show my eyes genuinely swelled up . like. physically. fun timez fun timez

that being said, its hilarious that wen xu goes to cloud recesses like 'come out or ill kill all these hostages' and then DOESNT WAIT FOR AN ASWER AND KILLS THEM ALL IMMEDIATELY. do u know how blackmail works sir

would like to make it recorded that from day one i was like 'CALL A GODDAMN CULTIVATION G20 THIS ASSHOLE SECT IS LITERALLY MASSACRING YALL!!' and it took them like 3 or 4 massacres to do anything and they STILL sent their heirs into their territory LIKE

when wwx cites the gusu lan rules to wen chao tho. that rebel/attention whore/cutie pie 'look lan zhan i DID memorize the rules after all' ‘also a big fuck you to the wen sect :D :D’ sweet spot that scene achieves . delicious

all the cultivator young masters being petty af even though they are practically prisoners at the cave is hilarious and i love them

hurt and comfort + gay mistunderstandings + watsonian gay declaration music + accidental evil acquisition! at the cave (2)

its like where do i start? the fact theyre both trapped and kind of heavily injured inside an isolated cave with a murder turtle? wwx gay panicking lwj into coughing up bad blood? lwj being jealous as wwx babbles abt mianmian? telling him he shouldnt play with people and wwx saying he never played him? wwx going Oh. I See what is happening. YOU like mianmian, and lwj absolute done face ??? (iconic) wwx touching the sacred married ribbon Again? the telepathic communication? the sword? WEI WUXIAN ASKING LAN WANGJI TO SING TO HIM AS HE IS PASSING OUT AND LWJ SINGING HIM. THE SONG. HE WROTE. FOR WWX. AND THAT HE CALLED. THEIR SHIP NAME????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

they are SO insufferable pleeeeease

in the words of my friend 1 : “CQL is so gay we were all amazed how it got past the censors Ofc unfortunately it can't be novel level gay But they did their best And we love them for it”

in the theme of songs THIS OST. WUJI HAS BEEN LIVING IN MY MIND RENT FREE SINCE I FIRST HEARD IT the whole ost is so so sO beautiful.

the costuming in this is also soooo exquisite. the embroidery? the fabrics? the details? how every sect and clan has a distinct style and architecture? (also ik they based each off of dif periods in chinese history which is REALLY fucking cool) just chefs kiss

the direction too!. i enjoy the unusual camera movements and i think they give it that Vibe, also their composition is PARTICULARLY good when it comes to telling the subtext through position of camera/position of character (like nhs off to the side in scenes he at first glance doesnt need to be/ how lwj is often centered when hes Jealous Yearning at wwx being affectionate w other ppl, wwx return from burial mounds etc)

ik madam yu is like Badass Milf Check and shes not getting any mom of the year awards but im delighted at how messy she is. IMAGINE that woman on tiktok

you better have enjoyed gay cave (2) bc its Just Pain from here on out!

jiang fengmian and madame yu win the Most Dramatic Way to show they do care about each other, actually ..... ever :)

i thought jiang yanli jiang cheng and wei wuxian forcing themselves to escape yunmeng barely holding on after their parents are killed was going to be the height of pain in this show. ha.

the family dynamics in general on this showwwww, both blood/ adopted/ found families, brotherly bonds and lifelong friendships just. rly. truly. fucked me up. theyre all so important and complicated and well rounded and beautiful and tragic

and beyond being a Win For the Gays im so glad the relationships w wwx and jiang yanli/ wen qing were NOT changed from platonic bc they are so much better like that imo. like maybe if we didnt Live In A Society it wouldnt be so, but the fact wwx and others can love and value them so much and theres nothing romantic or sexual abt it is like. so refreshing. especially @ jyl, with the way he and jc are overprotective of her and shes such a nurturing/care taker figure for them, it would just not vibe as well if they made it romantic

i love that this is a story abt Wei Wuxian, the Yiling Patriarch aka Actual Satan/Boogey Man/Village With/Public Enemy Number One , my dude is literally a necromancer who only dresses in black and has evil smokey black tendrils wafting out of him, but the really edgy one is still jiang cheng, pastel purple fashion icon

and speaking of best/worst siblings wei wuxian and jiang cheng *immediately starts crying*

The Golden Core Transfer i just. no thots only tears

wen qing and wen ning putting themselves in so much danger just.... to help them. wn saving jc from wen chao. wq finding a way to get wwx to transfer his core. like thinking about the monumental work these two did to help wwx and jyl and jc... jyl trying so fucking hard to be strong and keep on moving and giver her little brothers comfort after losing everything... jiang cheng. losing his parents and his home and his ability to do anything abt it and his complete desperation and lack of self worth and turning on them with agression when he didnt realize all that they did for him ... hhhhhhhhhhhhh

me, pointing at the whole cast “i just LOVE them mom!!!”

its sad tho, that BARELY ANY of the women have like.... actual important conversations let alone relationships with each other at all in the story. and like wq and jyl have stayed at the same place for extended periods of time, where wq actively took care of her TWICE, and still! not one measly convo, nothing! ................ .𝓌ₕᵧ

everyone in this show need a good sip of Self Worth and Stop Sacrificing Yourself juice

ngl the sword flying looks very dumb

“a-cheng, please bring a-xian back.” “i will, i promise.” ;-;

the whole calling each other by the More Intimate Version of the name, first as teasing and later as true intimacy. mmmhmmm yes

untamed where everythings the same but wwx evil flute song is eoeo

related that scene when wwx comes back from the burial mounds for the first time w demonic cultivation and he acts all formal and calls lwj hanguang-jun and keeps being evasive and distant and mean and soooooo................. facetious

and how hes kind of desperately trying to keep intense lwj at bay (A FIRST) and avoiding actually talking to either of them and its all tension ughhh and then he MOCKS his and lwjs relationship, he jokes w him in this like... mean echo of their usual ~banter~ oof

and like!!! uncertain but so relieved jc who just HUGS him w no reservations for once and its not like he isnt just as worried as lwj abt wwx and what hes doing, but he chooses in that moment to enjoy getting him back first and mmhmMMMmMm yes (maybe my favorite scene in the whole show? MAYBE SO. )

highkey hurt me but also. i might be into mean wwx. i will take no criticism.

lan zhans sad eyes tho :(((((((((

on one hand i wish we could have seen what happened at the burial mounds but on the other the timeskip adds so much flair to his return so im hnnn

also i love that hes been missing for 3 months reappears kinda melancholic and bloodthirsty and knowing malign tricks and jc is like 'so. are u sad bc of lan wangji'

when ur bae survived the war but he thinks ur evil/ might be evil so you cant kiss :///

hmmm talking at the rooftop under the moonlight not mentioning everything that stands between usssss

they are the two jades of lan and we’ll be the two heroes of yunmeng is the type of line u dont even need to know whats gonna happen to know thats gonna be sad

when they fight wen ruoshan at the nightless city i thought that was the battle we see at the first ep and its not and its so easy and theyre all like ‘yayy we won go wwx!’ i was just. SCREAMS WHAT is gonna HAPPEN

so like. post burial mounds/sunshot campaign pre yiling patriarch wwx is like. ultra arrogant, ultra mocking, peak lil shit and it gave me e v e r y t h i n g i wanted

even tho having the wen prisoners at the targets at phoenix mountain and still having wwx and jzx shooting the arrows was???? so.... tone deaf

wwx: fucking w demonic energy jyl: he has never done anything wrong in his life, ever <3 <3 (mood)

the parallels between meng yao/wei wuxian (and even xue yang a bit?) are Seen and they are Valid

wwx post burial mounds: can yall SHUT UP abt the goddamn sword (suibian left the chat)

LIKE truly, we talk abt the angst and yearning with wangxian. but what abt wwx and suibian. xianbian / xianqing angst and comfort 100k

take a shot everytime someone coughs up blood

zidian is simply the coolest spiritual weapon rip to suibian and chenqing and bichen and sendou and baixa........ but tis the truth

cons: everyones families died in a nightmare war! everyones homes burned to the ground! everyone is traumatized! pros: everyone gets cooler clothes and weapons!!

wen ning and a-yuan and yanli bestest babes squad dont touch me rn

everyone: brooding and fighting wq and jyl: why dont you try some acupunture/drinking some soup and calm down huh? how abt that bitch??

showing the battle/massacre at the nightless city first was genius actually bc then everytime we have a cute scene w yunmeng bros and theyre like 'we'll be together forever! uwu' youre like oh. oh no. oh no no no.

justice vs lawfulness vs means and ends 👁

jc: stay in the right path and practice the art of the sword wx: yeah thats not gonna happen chief

my reaction to wwx renouncing to the sect politics to help the wens was just that elmo burning gif in succession

the dramatic rain. wen qing desperately calling out to wen ning. the ghosts/puppets killing the guards. how terrifying wn actually was while wwx was controlling him :( lwj goeing after him to try and stop him and then he just; he Sees him and understands him even if he cant actually do anything about it other than let them go.

“there must be somewhere in this earth we can go to :(((((((((”

"IF I HAVE TO FIGHT THEM, I'D RATHER IT BE YOU. DYING BY YOUR HANDS WOULD AT LEAST BE WORTH IT." oh my god oh my god oh my goooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooddddddd

also lwjs umbrella is white w black smoke.. . . nice

yiling patriarch / demonic farming burial mounds settlement is like one of my favorite concepts. they an "EVIL" FARMING COMMUNITY LED BY THE VILLAGE WITCH COME ON

they planted TURNIPS and LOTUS FLOWERS and ONE (1) baby and made lanterns and a common hall :(((((((

wen qing and wei wuxian, baddest bitches and genius science best friends i absolutely LOVED to see it. they rly went ‘is anyone gonna sibling/project partner that’ and didnt wait for an answer

both wwx and jyl getting lotus ponds at the burial mounds and in lanling bc they miss lotus pier ;;;;;;;w

;;;;; wish jyl had actually gone into the burial mounds. we were robbed of jyl and wq meeting again and jyl meeting a-yuan and seeing the settlement and the homes and all ;w; at least jc did go, stab wounds and broken arms and all

wwx like... having thrown his whole life away to help the wens (yeah the sect leaders and jin guangshan in particular wanting his stygian tiger amulet was an Element but still) and not.... necessarily regretting it, but grappling with all of the consequences of it... becoming moody and drepressed at times, missing his family and lotus pier and his friends and probably simply missing being around people and causing trouble, extrovert that he is, lashing out at the wens and at a-yuan, just in general the whole messiness of that experience

the way the resentful energy does affect his temperament is rly nice bc its not too in your face,(i mean outside of the Shaky Hands of Rage) but like he clearly has a much lesser control on his anger and impulsivity (tall order) than both before bm and after hes ressurected

on that note A-YUAN BABIEST BABY BOY BEST BOY

lan zhan being like oh hey there wei ying fancy meeting u and our son here. just passing by u know how it is hmmmmMm and then PLOT TWIST having defied orders to go see him and being punished for it. oof;;

they habent seen each other in like? a year? and now theyre tgt 10 seconds and are already parenting a child together

also lwj rly kneels down in the snow way too much to be healthy

wwx: calm down guyssss i wont lose control of demonic cultivation omgggg . spoiler alert: he loses control of demonic cultivation

did u enjoy cute children? good bc now the Real Pain Begins

jiang yanli and jin zixuan rly out there APROPRIATING both disaster gays AND bury ur gays huh ;w;

i KNEW jin lings birthday was gonna fuck something up but the GASP that left my body when wwx lost control of wn and killed jin zixuan .. . .

im sorry and thank you aaaaAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaAAAAaAAAAA

when wen ning and wen qing were telling wwx their plan i was saying NO NO NO NO NO NO out loud in despair

also can we talk abt how wq is definetely talking about only the both of them surrending themselves but then? everyone else just surrenders w them? IT MAKES NO SENSE LIKE WHY WOULD THEY what would be the Point

sometimes there are some pretty gaping jumps in logic and continuity that are just like ? ?

wwx: oh so when you try to murder me its justified but when i survive through dark magic and murder all of you its a "war crime"

unsurprisingly, his most feral, most spiraling moment talking to the sect leaders on the roof and attacking them and even fighting lan zhan is among my favorite scenes... its like, so painful to watch but also so thrilling (and maybe my wen bbs dying arose some resentful energy in me what can i say)

and its JUST, all they ever wanted was to do good but then... war. and trauma. and hubris.

jiang cheng on the ground clearly thorn between what to do and feel is a Mood, lets just say

i was already crying when jyl showed up, but if i wasnt-

i suffered SO MUCH through this series trying to figure out WHY jc would kill wwx. and when i understood. its somehow not as bad as i thought and also MUCH MUCH WORSE

a look into my group chat during the last flashback episodes:

SO ANYWAY. after the BLOOD BATH and RIPPING YOUR HEART OUT and FEEDING IT TO YOU the untamed goes ‘ayy back to the present!! tu du dud ud du’

literally it ends a quarter into an episode and then KEEPS GOING i had to pause and stare blankly at the ceiling for an hour

babie cultivators and detective soulmates . i do need some cute after All of That

(not that the pain is over LOL)

lwj is significantly less emotionally repressed in the present and its delightful. hes just ALL IN with wwx. and not just in the ‘i would and have killed various men and risked my reputation for you’ but also ‘ur tired here have a drink i brought it up cause i know u like it and it want you to be happy, always’

“when everyone praised me and wanted my power, you were the only one that challenged me. now that everyone hates me and wants me dead, youre the only one that stands by my side.” hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

and just filling in the blanks how lan zhan searched for him. for all of those 16 years he searched for him and was punished for it and raised a-yuan, the only survivor of the burial mounds settlement, as his own in gusu......

and jiang cheng. being the tough love uncle . having raised the yunmeng jiang clan from the rubble all alone, his whole family dead, some of it on the blame of his own brother, his siblings, his closest friends gone.......and only jin ling there needing his guidance.

THE PARALLEL BETWEEN JIN LING BEING A LIFELINE FOR JIANG CHENG AND A-YUAN FOR LAN WANGJI AFTER THE BATTLE AT THE NIGHTLESS CITY

great now i made myself sad

and like . the fact! that lwj and jc dislike each other!!. jc projects blame onto him for wwx both “leaving” him and indirectly causing their families deaths and when hes so consumed by it he makes wwx an enemy, lwj is there now? trying to protect him?? and lwj, who can never understand the pain that wwx , indirectly or not put jc through, but who was right there when jc tried to kill him and will never allow him to hurt wwx again. and how they like. in a way project blame of their tragedies onto each other while dealing with some type of survivor guilt and in their own way still loving wwx through it all??? amd in way its kind of fundamentally selfish but also tragically understandable? and like when u put it against the fact that after he disappears during the sunshot campaign they were looking for him together and fought together??

JUST. THE CHARACTERS. AND THE RELATIONSHIPS IN THIS. MAN. UGH. GOD.

and like i think thats what makes it so good? its such a sad and painful and violent story, edgy even, but its compelling bc at the center of it there are all of these relationships and different types of love and hope and. :( i love it

enough crying lets talk abt wwx sleeping at the jingshi with lwj and wearing his under garment for a minute 🙏

jin ling just has that Was Raised by JC energy tho lmao i love him

babie cultivator squad is the perfect ammount of cute and comedic relief while still bearing the weight? of the narrative in a way, both from sizhui and jin lings existences, and also. like. how do i put this. they feel hopeful? they were born after a war, they came of age at a time of relative peace, they dont hold on so closely to the resentments of their parents/father figures, they are specifically shown as more accepting and open minded. and its like.... Hope for the future

one of the ?? things i love the most is the fact that the main cast are often in situations where theyre hunted/running but they like. never wear disguises... just going around in their gorgeous expensive clan clothes and hair ornaments and distinctive spiritual weapons.... maybe w a straw hat on, just for kicks

wwx teacher 🥺🥺🥺

so this is why its called Yi City Misery huh

a-qing is such. an icon. im so sad. my girl even knew to leave xys dumb self rotting by the road but no one listens to her thats why theyre all dead or sad

her and xue yang measuring each other up was so entertaining lmao

its the funniest thing when hes like. HERES MY SAD STORY. FOR WHY IM A SADISTIC MURDERER. I BROKE MY HAND ONCE.

like ok someone broke his hand in a horrible way, and like Poverty, i get it but also like.......... that lost the brunt of a proper sob story like, 50 sadistic murders ago bby

and i love that xingchen does not entertain that for a second hes like ‘not ?????? good enough???’ and the best thing is he wasnt even like 'u hadto be the bigger person' or sth but ' well then break that dudes hand back, rip his arm off for i care, what do the rest of us have to do w anything???”

anjo sensato :(

xue yang is like..... the sexy sadistic evil version of a himbo..... a meanbo...

the fucked upness of xy’s feelings for xxc/ xxc and sl feelings for each other... like my dude literally gave his bf HIS EYES. and xy getting so attached to xxc .... the fucked up fake domesticity.... having him hurt sl..... then desperately trying to bring him back ...................... oof

song lan........... literally had his eyes AND tongue removed, his bfs eyes put in place, was almost killed, turned into a puppet by his bf unknowingly, manipulated by xy, sees his bf killing himself in despair.... and STILL finds the strenght to get up from there, and keep on traveling and helping people and attempting to fix xxcs soul.......... like, my man. damn.

wangxian looking at songxiao and seeing an Actually more painful parallel for themselves. ft. that Color Coding.

THE A-YUAN/SIZHUI REVEAL PUNCHED ME IN THE HEART but in a good way for a change

should have know that he would be the Best Boy the cute one w all the braincells

the butterfly AND the bunny lantern. i see how it is

u know is very convenient that no one can see the stark black veins on wen nings neck, ever

BAT WEN NING

wns face when lwj comes into wwx room like ‘:0 omg did u two finally get your shit together? good for you master wei good for u’

(they didnt) (yet)

DISASTER DRUNK LWJ. JUST. THRUST SOME CHICKENS TO SHOW UR RESSURECTED BAE THAT U LOVE THEM.

i have absolutely no idea WHY they gave lwj the same punishment for fighting his own sect/allies to protect the burial mounds as when they got drunk on cloud recess class days.... like? its such a ... emotional continuity error again

also is lwj gonna get an actual friend besides wwx , ever

mianmian marrying and having a family and a cute life after saying FUCK U AND UR SYSTEM TOO in a much less unhinged and dramatic way than wwx......... fills me w joy

also lol the idea that like. her husband not knowing that shes friends w satan/the boogey man/the village witch is hilarious

i love nie mingjue bc hes the resident Though Guy but also the most dramatic bitch in this show and thats Saying Something

jin ling cant have one uneventful relative can he

the fact that everyone present already knew “mo xuanyu” was wwx at the stairs is so funny, their faces are like ‘oh............ wow. that. sure is a development. shock”

in the tradition of extremely loud whispers wwx tells lwj with twelve guards standing like one meter away from them: HEY PSH LAN ZHAN PRETEND IM FORCING YOU TO STAY W ME DO IT

oh my god oh my god

the absolute Yearning on his face when he leaves wwx and a-yuan at the burial mounds and refuses to stay for dinner was already Enough but the fact?? they brought it back?? to this declaration of love?? their expressions??????? strike me dead right now just go ahead

lFor Legal Reasons We Cant Kiss but we will have a very sappy declaration of love and trust and look at each other in way that is the actualization of 💞💘💗💖💓💘💞💗💖💘💗💖💕💞

also icb all the sect leaders and guards are standing there watching them say they like like each other with a dozen swords pointing at their neck

i enjoyed the depiction of the fickle public perception and how easily it can be used to scapegoat people. when the sect leaders turn on jgy and wwx knows thats its more for convenience than anything else...

poor lxc is literally like 'oh so when YOUR problematic boyfriend gets called evil its a misunderstanding but when its MY problematic bf-'

ok like i cant get over nmj let jgy play a song that messed with his temperament at all, like maN u KNEW he might be shady wth

wwx: “hey dont say anything bad abt lan zhan hes not an arrogant dick, thats just his face.

ME ON THE OTHER HAND"

the cultivators as wwx is poking holes in their narrative is literally *nazaré meme*

"wei wuxian-!" "what did i break your leg, too?" not to be problematic but i laughed so hard

not as hard as "you dont have the rank to talk to me " tho

i Enjoy that, over the course of story, wwx sees that... theres nothing truly to Do, but move on. he saw how his arrogance and his mistakes hurt others, and hes trying to fix what he can, but he already did die for his mistakes and there are things he cant fix and that's. just how it is. even towards jgy, the narrative doesn't go gleefully and completely with "lets make THEM pay bc theyre the big bad" bc its not that simple, and it wouldn't lead anywhere but more pain...

re him and jiang cheng and the wens and kinda. isnt that what nhs did? scheming to displace jgy out of revenge more than any justice and doing so in the most painful way?

idk if that actually makes sense im truly just babbling

i thought the scene at the lotus pond would be CUTE but the context was PAIN again

jiang cheng finding out about his golden core and his conflict with wwx at the guanyin temple .... destroyed me but in a nice way kinda.... same way it destroys him look at his face oh god

and. the fact??? he sacrificed himself for wwx?? first?? and he'll probably never tell anyone much less wwx???? keeps me up at night

i havent decided if the neckbreak transition between jgy does sth super Evil or does he he does OR Does He yes he does O R does heeeee is sth i dislike or not

jin guangyao and wei wuxians most interesting parallel is that... theyve both seen 'hmm hey this system is fucked up' and wwx went 'so fuck it all i will renounce it and challenge it' and jgy went 'so fuck it i will use all of it to my advantage and manipulate it to my goals and whims'

the fact jgys mom was actually great and he loved her and his whole issue w it was more than simply being ashamed of being a bastard kinda got me ngl

never trust a dude with a fan.

nhs and jgy: the first rule to a convoluted and decades spanning violent revenge plot is to have fun and be yourself!

when a-yuan finally FINALLY remembers ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;-;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; wen ning has someone in his family back and a-yuan has someone to talk abt his wen family and wwx has him back bc he survived and lwj raised him anD HES THEIR SON. THEYRE MARRIED AND HAVE A SON. UGH.

and theyre allowed to heal. everyone is allowed to try and recover and be happy

netflix put all of the 3 endings on top of each other and it looks kinda weird actually BUT I DONT EVEN MIND :’’’’’’’’’)

the gasp that left me when lwj says ‘wei ying’ and wwx turns.........

there was also a screen with ‘thank you mxtx for creating these characters, we hope their wishes come true’ and i might. have cried then too. maybe.

that was . a ride. as is proven by this behemot of a ramble clearly i just really needed and Outlet. i am currently trying to convince dumb monkey brain to not consume the other medias of mdzs immediately bc i REALLY need to like. live. a life. and take care of real responsibilities. *longest oh boi ever*

#m.#ANYWAY #ENOUGH TALKING #THIS IS SO LONG #LOL #but whatever this is MY performative journaling i do what i want #rambling impressions abt what i watch is a thing i do now? apparently??#cql #untamed #the untamed #fun fact that chat is named 'k keeps on babbling abt the untamed' and it STILL wasnt enough #also it took me 15 episodes to realize lwj was yibo #IT WAS V SHOCKING #i did not recognize him at a l l #but in retrospect he WAS the perfect choice

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