#not my best story

[peoplecallmelucifer]

"Is the human dancing?"

"Doesn't look like a dance to me. Maybe a ritual?"

"Why don't we just ask"

"And potentially disturbe a ritual? You know wjat happened to Zaati when he decided to not be culturally sensitive"

"Yeah yeah, he got a spear thrown an inch of his face by a very angry Attra matriarch..... and now they are married."

" I'm just saying Dessa, If you wanna talk to him, stay close to cover"

Vakk was an asahole, But Dessa knew he had a point. So she aproached the sparing mat slowly while watching thw human performe his routine.

"Uum, excuse me" They said

" Huh?" The human said with a slightly startled reaction" OH! m i hogging the mat? Sorry. I'll be done in a minute or 2 if that's ok"

"No, that's allright. I just wanted to ask you as to what this ritual is" now relaxed Dessa said.

"Ritu- OH! yes this does look pretty ritualistic I guess. Mind I finish though?

" Oh no, not at all!"

The human just smiled and nodded, proceeding with his ritual. While Dessa kept watching.

And shortly after the human knelt slowly, put his forehead to the mat, slowly rose while obviously avoiding touching the amt with his hands, took a step backwards and boues the final time.

"Wooh!" He said, jumping in place. Conpletely shattering the calm demeenor he exuded not 10 second ago.

"Now, Propper introductions! I'm Teddy, I'm a translator and linguist with UN diplomatic core" the human said stretching his arm. A gesture of good will found in many species

"Dessa, amature xenoculturologist and medical officer on board this station" Dessa replied

"That explains your interest in my, ritul" Teddy added with a smile

"Well, yes. I find different beliefs and rituals other species performe intriguing. If you would be willing to explain I'd be greatfull." Dessa said trxing to be as cordial as her curiosity would allowe

"Please, talk more casually. I hear enough diplomatic talk a work as it is. And I'd be glad to explain." Teddy said

" What you saw was called Nage-no-kata it's a stric performance form made of 15 techniques of Judo. And Judo is a martial art I train"

Dessa looked confused " Military skill? Is my translator malfunctioning?"

"Yeah the translation pack still isn't up to speed with coloquialism and cultural elements. That's another reasons I preffere casual conversations lets me know what I'll need to work on in the future"

"Ok so. What would the proper translation be?"

"Well.." Teddy paused "either fighting sport or self defence skill"

"... so the translator wasn't wrong..."

"Technically not"

"And you humans .... made military grade combat into a sport" Dessa stated withoit a hint of wmotion

"Well no, the sport was develloped before" Teddy retorted

"Well... I don't know if that makes me feel more or less uneasy"

"Look it sounds bad if you phrase it like that but Judo has among the lowest rate of serious injury qmong human sports and among the highest percentage of highly educated people in its ranks"

"That ... sounds like a salesman pitch"

"Did it help calm you down though?"

"I ... guess? I stil don't understand why a linguist would need combat training"

"I actually started practicing as a teenager so I wasn't even a linguist-"

" you teach combat to kids?! And I tought Attra were militaristic" Dessa interrupted

"What I was gon a say is that Judo is ot just fighting it's a philosophy." Teddy retorted, seemingly finding this ordeal amusing

"Another sales pitch?" Dessa asked.

"Yup."

" I stand guard .... that's a coloquialism for I'm listening for my people"

"Noted" Teddy said before co ti uing his explenation

"As I said. JUDO is a philosophy. It's based of using the oponenta strenght against him. If pushed, you pull back, if pulled, you push. But it's also built upon respect. Towards the referees, towards your coach, towards your oponemt and even the mat you stand on during the match"

"That woukd be all thw bowing". Dessa persumed

"Correct!" Teddy said happily " you see, I used to be a troublemaket as a kid and gor cought shoplifting. The judge saw I was just a lost kid so he offered me a deal. I can get a record which would make getting a job much harder, or I can join his friends program that aimed to reform troublemakers" Teddy said with a melancolic look

"Ok so ... you were a criminal?" Desaa asked

"Basically, yeah"

"And what stopped you continuing doing crime is ...combat training"

"I guess."

"Oh we are talking about this more later over drinks!" Dessa said grinning from ear to ear

"Ok, but you're buying" Teddy added

[ered]

Here’s my take on the whole audio books vs. reading:

Oral tradition of storytelling predates written ones by millennias, and honestly, which one you like is just a personal preference.

The actual difference is

when listening, you have no idea how to write characters’ names

when reading, you have no idea how to pronounce characters’ names

hope this helps!

[liquidstar]

If my mom sees a significant amount of blood she gets lightheaded, and has fainted on some occasions. Once it happened when we were kids, I wasn't there to witness it but I heard the story from my dad. Basically my brothers, around 7 or 8 at the time, were playing outside while my mom was making their lunch, and she accidentally cut her finger. It wasn't anything serious, but it drew a fair bit of blood and she passed out. My dad saw this and rushed over, but he didn't really know what to do so he just sort of started slapping her to wake her up (not recommended, but he had no idea and panicked)

At that exact moment my brothers both came in from playing, and all they saw was our mom unconscious on the floor and our dad slapping her. So, like, without even saying a word to each other they both just INSTANTLY start whaling on him, like, full blown attack mode to defend our mom. Which obviously didn't help the situation, but she did wake up and everything was fine.

Now our dad says that he's actually really glad they attacked him over what they thought was going on, because it means he raised good boys. And I still think that's true, they're very good boys.

[inbabylontheywept]

i once accidentally dated someone for a few months. its very difficult to explain how this happened, but the gist is that i thought we were hanging out, and she thought we were on dates, and it was just a very painfully highschool thing.

she was a little bit confused that i hadnt tried to pull any moves, at all, even a little. like, didnt even try holding hands because, and i cannot emphasize this enough, i did not know we were dating.

so, halloween rolled around, and she thought, you know, why wait for destiny, when you can grab it? so she hit me with a clue by four.

babylon, she said. babylon. my mom's gonna be out of town on halloween, and im gonna have the house to myself, and it's going to be kind of lonely. would you like to come to my house and watch scary movies with me?

you know, kind of a netflix and chill thing. except, and i cannot emphasize this enough, i did not know we were dating. also autism. so i took it at face value and said: oh! yeah! thatd be fun! and she thought she got her point across, but she didnt and it was a mess.

skip forward to halloween: my family has a block party every year, right? and at that point i was too old to really trick or treat, but we still wore costumes for our role in the block party, which in my case, was handing out cotton candy. so i took the first shift, and my costume was this homemade abomination minion thing. i had full yellow body paint, and goggles, and a bald cap, and overalls. the kids who saw it were like, uh, hm. overly realistic minion. and adults were like, oh, some kind of hills have eyes hillbilly with jaundice. very scary.

(it was not my best costume.)

my little brother swapped me out for second shift, and i was getting ready to change out to head to her house when i was like: no, she'll get a real kick out of this. this is one of the worst things i have ever worn. so i kept it on and just brought a change of clothes thinking i could shower real quick and change at her place after she saw my nightmare getup.

so i left after that, got there, knocked on her door, and she said come on in. so i went in, and there was this very long hall with an abrupt right turn into her living room where the tv was, and i went down the hall, and i made the turn, and my field of view went from beige drywal to her, on the couch, naked. naked in the paint me like one of your french girls pose. super naked.

i panicked. this was my first time seeing a real person like, full on sex naked,which is a totally different beast from other kinds of naked. you see one kind of naked and you think yeah, im ready for all the kinds of naked, but you arent. i wasnt at least. i really wasn't.

so my brain crashed to BIOS. she also crashed to BIOS, but for different reasons. of all the ways this could have turned me, having me show up in yellow body paint and overalls was pretty pretty low down the list.

so we sat there a while, and you know, she wasn't getting any less naked, which really wasn't helping me get my brain sorted out. it really wasnt much of a surprise when she got her bearings first and started asking questions.

"babylon," she said. "babylon. what are you wearing?"

and i was like, kind of rebooted, but i was nowhere near full functionality, so symbolic language wasnt loaded in yet. i had nothing running but my trusty autism.exe, so i said

"overalls"

and she looked at me like i was the dumbest person in the entire world, and i looked at her like she was the first naked person i had seen in real life who got naked specifically for me, and my upper level cognitive process went: "listen man, we are not going to get our shit together as long as 80% of your brain power is devoted to not blinking. you gotta get out of here."

and if id communicated that, maybe things would have been less of a mess, but instead i just kind of turned around and walked back to my car. i figured i could drive a few loops around the block, get my brain in order, and figure out what the hell we were gonna do.

the only thing i had said to her since arriving was, again, overalls.

first loop around, i was like: oh god fucking damnit. oh shit. oh shit. shes gonna get like, an eating disorder from this. oh no.

second loop around i was like: oh NOOOOO oh WHAT THE FUCK oh SWEET JESUS PLEASE. i dont wanna go back man. i just wanna bury this and forget about it. please. please. let this bitter cup pass from my lips.

and after my third loop, i went and i knocked on her door again.

she answered it this time, and i counted my lucky stars that she'd changed into some pajamas. she was all teary eyed which was the saddest thing ever, and we sat down in her kitchen and talked. it was pretty bad - i figured out we'd been dating, and she figured out that trying to jump from home plate to 3rd base is considered ballsy in baseball, least of all dating. no real winners there. and i can remember after all that, we sat there a bit a bit longer, just steadying ourselves, and i was like "well, im actually really glad we figured that out. guess i'll see you at school tomorow' and she said "WAIT. wait."

"lets watch shrek 2."

so we did and it was horrible. we did not look at each other. we did not say a word. we just sat in stony silence, while shrek 2 played in the background, and when it was done we shook hands. i think we might have been able to salvage that as a friendship if it hadnt been for shrek. as it was she turned white as a sheet and ran away every time she even got a glimpse of me at school, and that summer she moved to a new state to live with her dad. all her friends said she moved just so she wouldn't have to go to school with me anymore, and i dont actually think they were lying.

every time i hear relationship counselors talk about how important communication is, and i'm tempted to roll my eyes, i look back and go, alright. alright. theres probably some poor bastard, somewhere in the world, who doesnt even know that hes married.

and god help him when he figures it out.

other bad dating story here.

[chloesimaginationthings]

Purple Michael is the best FNAF Michael

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

Happy one year anniversary to In Stars and Time!

[simpee9000]

Katsuki Bakugo who has a FAT crush on reader. Who he hardly sees around.

You're a healer mainly, so you're in general courses and train with Recovery Girl on the side. He only sees you when you're with Shoto Todoroki, your half sibling. (Endeavour had an affair and failed to get custody after some things were exposed.)

You met at a family dinner, Shoto dragging him and Izuku along. Bakugo took a liking to you, liking how sharp you were. Cutting into any detail while everyone waiting for your next word. Bakugo tried to respect Shoto, not wanting to cross any boundaries. But god, did he want you. You were everything he wanted in a person and more-

So after graduation he spent more time injured than not. Making you joke about him doing it on purpose. Eventually you realized that actually was the case. So with a little pushing, he finally caved and forgot about his friendship for Shoto entirely. Focusing on the way you felt against him instead.

Lmk if this is interesting! I'll write a story for it or something!

[mobius-m-mobius]

#my man was NOT subtle 🤣😉

+ bonus: message received 😅

[egophiliac]

tsum events really are just the best, huh

[bloominglegumes]

i love normal guys doomed by the narrative

[badolmen]

They don’t even attempt to assassinate US politicians anymore. You notice that? Not since the anthrax scare back for… who was it, Barack? And even that… pathetic. This new generation has no respect for an honest hitman. I’m not sure this new generation has any honest hitman - you see that shit with Boeing? Sloppy, fucking disgraceful - you kill the whistleblowers before they get halfway to a lawsuit. What kind of fucking amateur is doing faked suicides the night before testimony? Goddamn greenhorns. Back in my day someone tried to shoot Ronald Reagan in broad daylight. There used to be bomb threats to Congress. I took out a few union leaders in the utilities sector myself. Today’s generation? Won’t even threaten to throw a punch - not even over on that - what’s it now, ‘X’? They got no guts. None! And they don’t even have poor impulse control to boot! Too much of that - that panopticon anxiety bullshit. “Oh what if I get a called out post???” People used to send the president letters full of bioweapons. In the mail! Today’s generation? Not a chance. All because of woke.

[nenoname]

Cute wholesome fics where Stan teaches Soos or Wendy how to drive were always so funny to me because...

And while he insists that everyone in town has ran over McGucket before, we also know he ran over Toby too and absolutely did not give a shit (understandable in that case)

But then again...

Also bless Mr Honeypants

And another detail I love is that his car is casually filled with parking tickets

How many tickets are in Ford's name...

[redysetdare]

I will say that Minecraft story mode was so fucking funny for killing the pig in a super emotional scene only for that bitch to poof and leave a floating pork chop. That shit was so goddamn funny

Edit: yes I know of the typo. Please leave me alone about it. It's too late to fix it because no matter what it'll always show up on reblogs before it was fixed. Phones are difficult for me to type on so please just stop pointing it out and making fun of it. If I could delete this entire post from existence at this rate I would ffs.

[wuntrum]

honestly love when artists draw copious amounts of fanart for a character and then start adding more and more personal touches or headcanons to how they depict them and then just change their name and adopt them as an original character. its like watching nature heal in real time

[biggest-gaudiest-patronuses]

i vote that next year instead of reading Dracula we do a Jeeves & Wooster Book Club. those two never got the rabid tumblr shipping fandom they deserved (disqualified for the sheer technicality of being published a century too soon). we must correct this injustice