#not much triggers my dysphoria these days but THIS does especially when it just APPEARS with zero warning

[allthepandasintheworld]

1, 8, 10, 11, 22, delear's choice on fandom 👀

choosing violence :)

i'm gonna go dc themed for this one (when it applies) thanks for the ask archie!!

also, as a disclaimer, it's stuff i personally dislike for whatever reason. i've filtered tags and blocked the majority of people who say/talk about these things, but occasionally posts do escape through my filters bc a lot of the shit i'm annoyed by with DC are SUPER common among the fandom (which is partially why im annoyed)

the character everyone gets wrong

BATMAN. god. not even the actual writers can write a batman i can tolerate. there are like. maybe five(?) fanfic authors whose batman takes i actually enjoy? the others are so hit or miss. i barely even browse the tags anymore it's too much emotional effort to filter through the fics that are left even if i use stringent filters

8. common fandom opinion that everyone is wrong about

that clark/bruce can't have a dad bod or be pudgy or be fat. like there are SO many artists who draw them in these ways, and also? Strength isn't defined by how dehydrated you are when you flex? you need fat to pad out the muscles, or else you're going to REALLY hurt after working out so much. yes, even clark. besides, the soft look is sweet. i like it a lot. i know i draw them a bit more on the 'hunk' side, but i will defend the dad bod/chubby/fat bruce and clark truthers to my death

10. worst part of fanon

the sheer number of people who try to heteronormify a literal gay pairing

no actually it's two things: clark being nothing more than an idiot (he's allowed his himbo moments but he's also very competent!!) and bruce being... abusive? verbally or physically?? there's like two sides of fanon bruce that i strongly hate: the bordering on abusive bruces and the bruces who are aggressively baby-ified. both are. not fun. a certain amount of pathetic is fine in a man, whatever, i love rene and he's a super pathetic man, but there's like there's a point when it stops being 'ah yeah just a sad little man' and starts being 'the author is REALLY piling shit onto him and putting ALL the responsibility on the other character to fix him'.

11. number of fandom-related words you've filtered

ok depends on fandom but for DC? like. four? i think. no wait five, although the fifth is like sometimes hit or miss bc there ARE a lot of major character deaths (and undeaths) in canon and like i don't really care as long as it's not permanent?

but i filter a/b/o (and related tags), mpreg, incest, and rape. all are self explanatory, but just filtering the first two ALONE absolutely guts the fic count and i stare at the fic counter the way you might watch a horror protagonist just barely get away from the killer without realizing it. am i saying the fandom has rank-ass taste? yes. actually. who knew so many people had a kink for bioessentialism?

22. your favorite part of canon that everyone else ignores

in THIS big of a fandom i feel like there isn't a lot that people ignore? like there's something for everybody, and i mean everybody. although i do feel like a disproportionate number of people prefer batman and the batfam over superman and the superfam and im really sad about that bc people automatically write them off as 'good is boring', and the canon writers often do the same. which like. guys. cmon. it's not 'boring' to put your entire (superpowered) might into uprooting the deeply entrenched weeds of oppressive systems in the world and looking forward to a brighter future. that's why we fight?? isn't it? so we can have a better tomorrow??? superman isn't boring at all, happiness and hope isn't boring. hope and happiness find meaning in knowing that they are not the default, that we have to work hard and struggle for it!! anyways. i do follow some people who talk about this so it's not entirely ignored, but like in the wider ship spaces i do NOT see enough people talking about this specific element of superman. i think they all just think he's hot. which i agree with. but i ALSO think he's cool and interesting and more than just his appearance.

[thunderheadfred]

Im sick and crabby and don’t have a healthier outlet so I’m gonna a rant about a bunch of random shit okay? Cool

The world

Do I have to? It’s horrible. Every day it’s more horrible

Why is America like this

Why are all these powerful despots doing the shit they are doing

Why are literal children being exploded

Why is the earth on fire

Just stop

I think about Jesus a lot

Like a lot a lot

I’m not Christian but sometimes you just gotta think about Jesus

The fact that we gotta just like… do the day to day rigmarole despite the global panopticon broadcasting suffering directly into our consciousness, to the point that if you don’t take up volunteering or meditation or healthy religion or radical love you will in fact go insane

How do we fix it? Without becoming what we fight against

Jesus Jesus Jesus

Anyway. Breastfeeding

It’s ironic because I was so afraid of breastfeeding triggering body dysphoria. It’s triggered a lot of things, but not that

We have a bad latch, and I underproduce milk, probably because of my CFS

So whenever I try to breastfeed her, she ends up miserable and crying in a way you can only understand if you’ve been in this exact situation, and it feels like I am holding a knife and stabbing my own heart again and again

Because I can’t breast feed exclusively, we feed 50/50 formula and pumped breast milk, and she’s perfectly healthy and so so so happy, but I still feel like an axe murdering psychopath

These days I pretty much don’t directly breast feed her at all, and if you’d asked me before baby, I’d have thought that would be ideal. But no. I just feel guilt.

WHY DOES IT MAKE YOU SO SWEATY?? No one warned me about this, but apparently everyone gets postpartum sweats for like. months and months. it's so gross. I'm just moist. damp. wet. all the time. I thought I was going insane but no. it's just another one of those Pregnancy Things. thanks body

Child Free People vs. Pro Natalists

Why these new terminally online identity categories???

I didn’t get the idea of declaring myself “child free” before kids, even when I MYSELF thought I could never want kids

Calling children “parasites????” WTF unhinged

Calling childless people "psychopaths????" equally without hinge

Yes pregnancy is pure body horror but that doesn’t make it the BABY’S FAULT. A fetus is not some kind of malicious alien, it’s a human being in progress??? All human beings are consumers in nature but that doesn’t make us inherently evil, especially those of us who are the most tiny, ignorant, and vulnerable. A baby is just… trying to survive

Yes childbirth is transformative and awe-inspiring but why are a certain subset of rich imperialists so fucking gross about wanting to impregnate as many women as possible. Shut up until you can push the baby out yourself, then get back to me

Look. If you don’t want kids, don’t have kids? Don’t think about kids? Move on and solve world peace or something. Why is there a subreddit pathologically obsessed with hating children and shouting it loudly as part of their bio? I get that the world is full of horrors and it’s hard to imagine the future sometimes. “How could you bring children into the world” Yadda yadda. Climate change or WWIII or whatever existential threat appears tomorrow, every human being dies eventually. Death isn’t really an excuse to give up on the continuity of life writ large

but also? a declining population isn't the greatest threat humanity has ever faced, Elon you ketamine-addled incel shitface. It just means capitalism might break under the strain of the way we devalue and fail to care collectively for elders. even elders who currently HAVE children

You can just. Ignore children and live your life. Making it an identity reeks of insecurity, doubt, and a weird nihilistic doomed mindset

If the counterargument is “well parents make parenting their whole identity and that’s equally stupid and annoying” no it isn’t.

Unless we're talking about the equally deranged opposite end of the spectrum. Everyone is unhinged about kids these days, almost as if capitalism and individuation and the "nuclear family" have imploded the basic inter-generational human village that makes having children desirable and healthy for people on the whole

Having children is a huge amount of labor, never mind the emotional importance of family to uhhh most people? So yeah, it’ll be a huge focus for most. Whereas being childless is just. That. Focus on something else more interesting, since you don’t have to worry about kids. No need to make a thing of it. It seems counterintuitive. Don’t like kids? Stop thinking about them so much

For women especially, having an unnecessary hysterectomy or doing other damage to yourself seems so… self harm adjacent? You truly DONT know if you will change your mind (I did) but even more importantly, removing or altering your organs can have consequences on your hormones and quality of life. There are other forms of birth control that seem far less invasive and destructive. Your body your choice, always. But. These seem like unnecessarily harmful choices.

I’m not interested in confronting anyone about this trend which is why it is all behind a cowardly “read more” cut but I just find the whole aggressively child free identity mind boggling

Anyway back to thinking about childless MVP Jesus again

Jesus

Fuck. Did not expect having a baby to make me so conscious of Christ.

My unmedicated labor was a religious experience, so now I have to Deal With That

Still not Christian, but increasingly a fan of Buddy Christ

Christian nationalists need to get his name out of their mouths

Trump is the Antichrist. If not THE Antichrist, at least AN anti-Christian

How do we reprogram all these people who think they are heroic righteous saviors when they are about as violent and power seeking as it is possible to get

See “how to fix it without becoming the bad guy”? (Real Jesus had answers. Sorry MAGA, but most of them involve being forgiving, generous, vulnerable, introspective, or gentle)

They have so many guns

The idea that you could think Jesus is with you while you talk about rounding up migrants and killing criminals and hating your neighbor like. Jesus was very much not a fan of these things?? Jesus did not have an AK-47, he um. He rode a donkey.

Jesus liked to sit with kids under trees and wash feet and famously rejected power and wealth and kings and uhhhhh KINDA DIED ABOUT IT

LEAVE JESUS ALONE

I’m having a normal one, clearly

Here’s a happy baby

[sunhalf-a]

below the cut is some talk about disordered eating and how it manifests in both vil and neige — the obvious trigger warnings apply.  i also want to add that these are very based in my own experiences with EDs, so please don’t accuse me of talking out of my ass.

i’m going to use ‘disordered eating’ rather than ‘eating disorder’ mostly because i think it’s useful to describe the experience and behaviors more than the innate sickness, but they both do have eating disorders.  i’m just going to be talking more on the behaviors than the causes, which seem fairly obvious — in both of their cases some of it is a dysphoria deterrent, especially with vil wanting to be read a fem person and all the expectations that come with that, and more than that it’s a result of being literally raised on the screen and having your outer appearance always, always matter so much.

anyway, with that out of the way — vil, ironically, indulges slightly more than neige does.  ( i’m thinking of vil’s SR lab coat vignette specifically.  )  that being said, it’s always done very carefully, and when she does ‘overeat’ she always makes sure to ‘zero it out’ by skipping a meal later, exercising more, or both.  neige’s disordered eating, on the other hand, manifests as consistently low calorie intake; if he does have some kind of high - calorie snack, you can be sure it’s the only thing he’s eating that day.  in the context of calories, you could say that vil’s method is “i’ve eaten 200 more calories today than i should, so i’ll burn 200 more calories while working out tomorrow” whereas neige simply does not go over his calorie limits, even if that means that one ‘high - calorie’ snack is all he gets for the day.

neither of their calorie limits are healthy, and you can be sure both are signifigantly below what they should be.  vil has a stricter exercise routine, so their allowance is slightly higher; neige almost entirely depends upon not eating much and works out comparatively rarely.  neither of them are prone to purging, but neige will if he ‘overeats.’

both of them are aware that this is Not Healthy — neige has been a part of ads and campaigns advocating for ED awareness! — but neither particularly feel like they have any choice in the matter if they want to continue being on screen, which they both badly do.  vil especially strongly feels that her value is rooted primarily in being traditionally beautiful, so to gain any weight, then, comes at the risk of being seen as less valuable to others and thus less loved, and can trigger a lot of dysphoria.  that her most important person is also very aware of their weight and notices (  and will tell him!  ) when he gains does not help.

vil tends to dress in a way that draws attention to his toned figure and emphasizes how slender they are — there’s a sense that she’s not going through all this bullshit just to not have her hard work be acknowledged.  neige, on the other hand, very rarely dresses in anything that isn’t loose — some of it’s a way to avoid dysphoria, but most of it boils down to feeling like a hypocrite if just how slim he is becomes apparent.

[werevulvi]

I hope these show up in the right order. This kinda stuff is exactly what makes me feel lost about my transness. Like I was just trying to be nice and agreed with this person's post. I had no interest in being an asshole or arguing what bio sex, or even what butch, is. I was just declaring myself as a bio female because it felt relevant to the topic and how I relate to it. It amazes me how even the pro self-ID types are against self-ID when someone identifies in a way that doesn't suit their narrative, even when it's a trans person whose identity they deny.

They blocked me and I don't want anyone going after them, I just wanna rant. And not even about this specific post or person, but more so about trying to exist as a gender critical trans person in general. I've been thinking about that for days, weeks, perhaps months or even years already, so it's really not about this specific person. I guess it was just what triggered me to finally start writing.

I guess I feel like both most other trans people and most other gender critical people, view transness as incompatible with gender critical opinions, and like that makes me feel pulled in two opposing directions. But anyone of any ideology can be dysphoric and transition because it helps them cope. I don't think that my opinions, or my choice to hang out with radfems, means that I'm self-hating, or even that I'm going against the needs of my own trans demographic. My own trans demographic is just all too good at confusing wants with needs... generally speaking. I see sex and gender the way I do because it makes sense to me personally, and I don't even argue that it's necessarily the objective truth. I don't think there is such a thing. It's just my truth, my perception of the world.

That I can't make myself see myself as a man for real, despite my dysphoria and transition, doesn't mean that I think it's wrong to transition, or that my body is damaged by it, or that transitioning is useless. Because it's not. I love my transition and everything it has given me. I'm comfortable with my transitioned body. It deserves love, especially my love. And although I still struggle with some insecurities, I feel like I love my body. It's been... incredibly good to me. It's stayed very healthy, and even keeping up a strong immune system despite my smoking, self harm, careless sexual escapades, etc. I may still have a fraught relationship with being female, but as long as I transition, I seem to be managing it fairly well. Except then I have a more fraught relationship with society instead. Can't win, but that's life, innit?

I don't think either my transness or my political opinions are my real problem or ever was. I think it's society's constant fighting about trans people's genders, lives and choices, that makes me constantly cave in on myself. Can't handle the pressure.

It feels like it's only ever getting worse. Ten years ago my biggest concern was people not ever finding me attractive because I was turning myself into some kind of a freak, which luckily I was proven to be wrong about. Five years ago my biggest concern was nonbinary people trying to normalize asking people their pronouns, which made me fear that people would never leave me alone about my gender, unless I forced myself to be hyper-masculine, which I still worry about. Three years ago my biggest concern was having been stripped of my sex-based rights and dehumanized for how I had chosen to treat my dysphoria, which I still worry about as well, and now...

...my biggest concerns are being treated as a third gender, fetishistic predator who should be shoved away into gender neutral spaces, and I fear that one day medical transition will be taken away as an option to treat dysphoria if transness is continued to be rejected as a medical condition. My heart rate is ever increasing. Can I even realistically "just go on with my life" anymore? I feel compelled to do something, but I also feel like there isn't anything I can do. No matter how many people I try to "educate" about dysphoria and why transition is incredibly important, all the while being as humble as I can, I am seriously lacking behind the much faster spread of harmful misinformation.

Thing is, I do not blame gender critical people for spreading some of that misinformation. For example of trans women as fetishistic predators, which people apply to trans men when they still fail to understand that MtF is not the only kinda trans there is, or when we dare to be just a little bit feminine while passing as male. If anything, I blame the true sources of such harmful claims, which slowly increase my anxious heart rate, over years, turning into decades, of living as openly trans. I blame opportunistic men who pretend to be trans women for gaining access to women's spaces, be it prisons, spas, shelters, sports, what have you, when they cannot possibly be dysphoric judging by how happily they swing their dicks around women as if it's no big deal and make no attempt at transitioning, but also who cares if they are dysphoric, no one should behave that way either way. I blame the trans rights activists who say lesbians have to suck dick if it's attached to a trans woman, and those who say that gay men have to be into pussy and date trans men. I blame those who say that trans women are bio female by virtue of identifying as female, and claiming that they can get periods, by virtue of... bowel cramps?! I'd also blame those who try to change female specific language on behalf of shielding trans men from our own dysphoria, in the rare cases we'd end up getting pregnant or manage to drag our asses to the gyno office for a pap smear, which... most of us really don't, regardless of if you call us women or uterus-havers, sincerely, please stop. It makes people think trans women are trying to take over the term "woman" entirely for themselves, which of course they don't.

I could go on, but I won't, as this post is not about these things. It's more so about how estranged I feel from the people who spout these things, knowing that they think they're speaking for me and my supposed needs as a tranny. But I see no point in trying to educate them, as they won't listen any more to me than they would to a radfem, and again, I think this post in my screenshots shows just how unwilling they are to listen to me.

I guess living with my transition on constant display is what's hard, and I guess I just need to vent about that, as it's always judged one way or the other; as either me having made myself into a man, or that I'm a delusional woman who mutilated herself; and it's kinda hard to find a kind and sane middle ground, that perhaps I'm just a victim of circumstances, and trying to make the most of my own life, regardless of what the fuck I am. That social shit, on top of dealing with dysphoria, makes it really difficult to not hate myself, I guess. But I have tried to live stealth and that made it if possible even worse, as it felt like I was lying, keeping a huge secret that grew in me like a spreading virus.

What I want is to just live my life, and for neither my bio sex, nor my transition, to stop me from doing that. I want to work through the worst of my autism, enough to be able to pursue a career in some low-paying labor, blue-collar job; get a car and driver's licence, find a suitable husband to have a child and cats with; I want my own garden, an art studio; I want to build muscle to become strong and even more independent (and perhaps strong enough to carry that husband, but at least to carry myself), and so on. When I picture myself in that potential future, it is with this male-like appearance I transitioned my body into, but it is also as a mother and wife.

And thinking about all of that makes me happy, it makes me smile and feel joy, meaningfulness, hope... While thinking about arguing online with some miserable fuck, who's deadset on arguing semantics and calling me a terf, when all I wanted was to show a little bit of kindness, that "hey, I agree with you, you make a good point here, and I'm not here to fight" only to be spat right back into my face... just makes me feel sad. Whatever happened to diversity of opinion? It's gone, it became labeled as bad, and left people like me with no place to be.

There is no point in arguing with such people, or even trying not to argue. There's no winning in that, there's no reward, no accomplishment. It's better to walk away.

I know I just have to get over this, this inner conflict of going against my transness with my gender critical opinions, and that I'm going against my womanhood with my transition - and be stronger than the political climate that's pulling me into pieces. But if it's peace that I want... I can just forget about it. There's no road there. But I have trouble letting go of that simple dream. The internet is constantly manipulating me into thinking I have an exciting social life, when in fact it's non-existent, and the lie is destructive. With internet vs real life, I'm living a double life. One of those lives has a future, the other one does not.

I'm glad I made this rant. It actually made me feel better, and reminded me that it's still worth it. Being trans, moving forward, focusing on what is good and what can become good in life. And it reminded me that the internet is merely an imitation of life, a substitute for human connection, and can... as with much else, be both good and bad.

[flipflap-flipflap]

[Alright take-two on this damn post.  First one got eaten by post editor right as I was ready to post.  You see how long this is?  Save to drafts, kids.]

I’m here to shove a manga on you: Ookami Shounen Wa Kyou Mo Uso O Kasaneru (The Boy Who Cried Wolf Also Told a Lie Today).  It’s a gender bending romance.  Despite how awful that probably sounds, it’s actually really fucking good and I do not say that lightly. 

(No spoilers, this is all in the first chapter)  A high school boy insecure about his intimidating face, Itsuki, has fallen for a shy loner girl, Tokujira, who does not seem specifically phased by his naturally scary face.  So he takes a risk and confesses, but she turns him down brutally.  Itsuki goes to his sister to lament his insecurities about his face, which he (more or less correctly) attributes as why he can’t make connections.  To give him a new perspective on his appearance, his sister (trans btw) gives him a makeover while he’s sleeping and then kicks him to the curb of her salon - fully crossdressed.  On his way home, Itsuki (♀) ends up bumping into Tokujira, and she mistakes him for a boyish girl.  Under this misunderstanding, she asks "her” for a favor...

She has androphobia, and she has it bad.  So much so she can’t even look at men without snapping violently or becoming physically ill.  And Itsuki (♀) is just boyish enough to trigger her, but not enough to lock her down.  So she asks for “her” help, to see if she can desensitize herself to her phobia. Itsuki’s in a bind for a couple obvious reasons, not the least being the guilt of deceiving Tokujira. But nonetheless, he genuinely wants to help her.  So, he decides to continue crossdressing, diving into a lie that he soon finds he has no easy exit from.

I really recommend this manga.  I cannot say that enough times.  It is phenomenal, shattering tropes left and right in fun and interesting ways.  Do yourself a favor and give this manga a try.

Personal feelings and meta analysis below the cut.  It’s, uh, ungodly long, and will get very spoilery.  But I will flag spoilers.  And there will be pretty pictures?

(Also, no, I did not go into this planning to compare a manga about crossdressing to the abolitionist writings of Frederick Douglass, but reality deserves to be a bit absurd sometimes.)

Before you think I’m getting spoilery, with the intro I gave or anything I don’t mark as spoilers, I’m really not.  Everything outside of spoilers is right on the package at the start.  It sounds like I’m spoiling late-game stuff, right?  That’s something that was really fantastic to me: this manga doesn’t spoon feed you.  There’s no arcs of pure silent angst, even at the lowest point in the story. These kids are smart, they think and intuit on the spot, and they share what they’re feeling with each other like good friends do.  Like that next panel down there with Itsuki introspecting about his confidence level while crossdressing?  That’s from the first chapter!  These kids are smart.  And god damn that is so nice to see.

There was a lot I liked about this manga, but at the top is how compelling the protagonist and his internal conflict are.  Right from the first chapter he’s already wracked with guilt about what he’s about to do: deceive this girl by pretending to be a safe space.  But Tokujira told Itsuki (♀) she hopes to one day be able to fall in love, and Itsuki wants to ensure she can have that - even if it’s not him that gets to confess to her.  He’s fully aware of exactly how fucked up what he’s doing is, and is appropriately beating himself up over it in a really realistic way.  But although the guilt never fades, it slowly gains company in happiness. He enjoys this new, fragile life he has constructed around the two precious new friends he's made as a girl.

It was probably easy to gloss over in the synopsis, but arguably the biggest part of Itsuki (♂)’s conflict is his complex about his face.  He looks dangerous, and because of that he is afraid to even lift his head or smile in front of others.  But as Itsuki (♀), he smiles and laughs without fear.  It becomes immediately clear to him on the first day that he's a more confident person while crossdressing.  Happier in a way he can't be as a man.

Botan is easily my favorite character in the series.  She’s introduced early on, as Tokujira’s first and only friend before Itsuki (♀).  At the start she’s a dangerous third wheel, a serious threat to Itsuki’s ability to keep up his lie.  And though the situation is (thankfully) defused rather quickly, she becomes a massive source of internal conflict for Itsuki. Nonetheless, she becomes a dear friend for both Itsuki ♂ and ♀. She’s just so...*chef’s kiss*

^This face is the repository of all my love and affection.

Mark my words, this is the first and I assume last time I will ever say this: love triangle good. You know it’s inevitable in a romance genre piece, but this manga approaches the trope in a new and compelling way. [Spoiler] Needless to say, it’s between Itsuki, Tokujira, and Botan.  But...there’s two Itsukis involved, ♂ and ♀, and in the center of it all is this lie. His lie stops being about him: it's about not hurting these two girls he cares so much about. [/Spoiler]

On a more personal note, I saw so much of myself in Itsuki’s older sister, Ibuki.  She runs a salon, catering especially to crossdressers and transwomen.  She’s a self-described “Youthling”, an alien from the planet Youth, obsessed with observing the exciting and turbulent lives of the youths of earth.  For more or less for the same reasons most of us do: transpeople don’t tend to get the youths we want, if we allow ourselves to experience youth at all. So it’s nice to be able to enjoy it vicariously, through this younger generation that is able to more fearlessly pursue the lives we couldn't. 

^Incidentally, one of my favorite interactions in the manga.

Despite getting Itsuki into this crossdressing mess, she’s someone he can always return to and confide in, and get good, helpful advice from.  Her whole philosophy is to give young people agency to explore their identities and find themselves, and though she tells Itsuki the road he's taking is dangerous as soon as she learns what he's doing, she'll always support him however she can.

That, I feel, is what separates her from other, more creepy/pedophilic enabler types, like Sawako from K-On! or Lucoa from Dragon Maid. It’s a refreshingly honest and respectful portrayal of a quirky adult just trying to be a good older sister.

The last thing I want to say, and I’m not going to even mark this as a spoiler because of course it’s going to happen and if you can’t predict that then you’re not my problem, is that Itsuki of course eventually has to drop his lie.  All I’ll say about it is that it is probably going to live in my head for years. Everything about it, the lead up, the execution, the fallout, and the recovery, are all so masterfully crafted for maximum emotional impact.

That’s all I want to say exclusively about my personal feelings.  On to analysis.  There will be a lot more contextual spoilers here that, even without reading the parts I’ve specially blocked off will probably leak through.  Read at your own risk, but I would recommend revisiting after you have finished the manga.

One thing I really want to talk about is language.  That’s right, I’m going to compare a crossdressing manga to The Narrative of the Life of Frederick Douglass, the autobiography of a freed slave turned abolitionist. Douglass talks about a concept that has remained imprinted on my mind ever since I first read it: how and why slaves struggled to comprehend the concept of freedom.  This wasn’t anything to do with fear or “racial inferiority” like pro-slavers would argue, but rather with a lack of vocabulary.  They have all of these feelings and things they know to be true, but lack the words to make meaningful sense of them.  For Douglass specifically, his life completely changed when he learned the word “abolition.”  It was like a floodgate burst, as he was suddenly able to put meaning to feeling, create context from chaos.

And that’s right, we see that happen in a big way, with Tokujira.  This should be an obvious development, but as it happens late in the manga I will mark it [Spoiler].  As Tokujira and Itsuki (♀) practice things like talking, eye contact, holding hands, etc., Tokujira naturally starts to fall for Itsuki (♀).  But she doesn’t understand that.  An important part of her character is that, growing up, she focused on expanding her vocabulary as much as humanly possible in the hopes of being able to better articulate herself.  So words are very important to her.  It’s not until she sees a work of lesbian fiction on display that she finally realizes that’s the word she’s looking for.  The floodgate bursts, and all of her emotions suddenly make sense.  She realizes she loves Itsuki (♀). [/Spoiler]

And I think that is a vital and underexplored concept when discussing LGBT youth, especially in countries where even knowledge of these concepts is taboo.  The reason so many LGBT youth struggle with their identities, especially trans youth, is because we do not have the vocabulary to conceptualize our feelings.  I am always excited to see this concept play out, especially in this context.  It’s such an important thing that needs to be addressed more broadly.

Moving on, I want to talk about historical context of the genre as it relates to what the author did here.  Notably, I want to talk about a specific trope rampant in Japanese queer fiction, specifically early lesbian fiction: the idea that queerdom is a meaningless, youthful phase that children will naturally and inevitably grow out of.  It’s problematic for obvious reasons.

[HELLA HELLA SPOILERS]  My kneejerk reaction to the ending of this manga was that the author fell into this trope.  In the end, Itsuki comes to the conclusion that he does not need to crossdress.  So again, kneejerk.  But...it really wasn’t like that.  He never had any dysphoria; crossdressing was always just a necessity of his circumstance.  Nonetheless he learned to analyze and value his experience crossdressing as a woman, and because of that grew as a man.  And as part of his journey to understand his identity we, through him, see why some people crossdress.  Along with his example, we see why his sister, a bona fide post-op transsexual, has made it a permanent change to her life.  Likewise, we see Miyama, who crossdresses purely for the gender euphoria, but has no (stated) interest in going all the way.  These are all presented as valid and meaningful. [/Spoiler]

Crossdressing, and gender nonconformity in general, is portrayed not as some one-dimensional fetish like cultural taboo would depict it to be, but rather a meaningful exercise for exploring and critically analyzing your own identity.  For some, yes, it’s a phase, but an importantly transformative one when done right.  While for others, it is a gateway to a new way of experiencing and enjoying life.  Or, it’s fun just for the pragmatic reasons...

I honestly cannot recommend this manga enough.  Tragically, I cannot imagine it ever getting an official english translation, so you’ll have to settle for a  scanlation like the one I linked in the title up top (and here, again).  It’s a really good translation, though the site is predictably sketchy.  Warning for lots of NSFW ads.

Read it, and then come talk to me about it!!!  There is basically zero fan community and I need to fangirl with someone!

[infinitedraconity]

do you have any tips on identifying trolls / troll blogs / bad faith in general? i am autistic & fairly new to the kin community in general, i'm worried about being swindled. thank you in advance, hoku!

Hello, grey friend with sunglasses!

This is a really good question, actually, and it addresses the whole reason that trolls are a problem– the good ones can be mistaken for serious otherkin, especially by people who have little to no experience with the community. As a fellow autistic person, this is something I used to have trouble with, too. However, you eventually start picking up on patterns.

So, how does one go about spotting trolls? Some hallmarks that I look for are:

•"ridiculous" kintypes. Food is really common. This one can be hard, since ridiculousness is subjective, and there are some people with out-there kintypes who are completely sincere. This sign really only applies in conjunction with others.

•odd pronouns, especially nounself. As with before, this is only in conjunction with other signs.

•a million labels, often conflicting with each other. You may as well have the entire dictionary.

•sudden appearance with a lot of posts. Usually trolls like to hit fast and hard.

•over-use of "uwu" and similar emotes.

•a LOT of posts about species dysphoria. Serious otherkin will address this topic on occasion, but trolls often make it every other post.

•posts about how their kintype interferes with normal human functioning. Most otherkin would seek help if it interferes (which it almost always doesn't).

•posts about otherkin being oppressed (especially the poster). This ties in a lot with the previous point, since they like to say that being "forced" into functioning normally is oppressive and they shouldn't have to do it (famous example: the rabbitkin in a restaurant post).

•posts about being triggered by stuff related to their kintype. This especially applies with "foodkin" ("please don't talk about eating I'm biscuitkin and it's really triggering"), but can also be related to other kintypes.

•inflammatory behavior. They come onto the tags, and start fights when someone tries to gently correct them.

•justifying shitty behavior with their kintype (i.e. zoophilia, acting out in public, eating stuff they shouldn't, etc.). This is easily the biggest marker, as well as the one that fools the most outsiders. We've all seen the posts about the dragonkin eating gems and the cat therian who is attracted to cats. Those are notorious troll posts that are still passed around by anti-kin despite being years old and demonstrated to be fake many times. It's definitely rarer than the others, though they definitely get the most attention when they show up.

Some stuff that is usually not troll behavior:

•having a lot of kintypes. This is common among younger folks and people who aren't totally familiar with otherkinity as a concept, but not trolls.

•on that note, misinformation. Same as above.

•unusual kintypes (when not accompanied by other markers of trolls). I've seen some very odd kintypes with some totally serious folks.

Some other people to avoid:

•people who pretend to know everything. We are all humans, whether we like it or not, and are ergo fallible. Nobody knows everything. Be wary of what they tell you.

•godkin/deitykin who demand worship. Just don't bother with them, you'll be a lot better off.

•physical shifters (a.k.a. "p-shifters"). These are folks who claim they can physically transform into another being. They also call themselves lycans, werewolves, and shifters. They lurk in the corners of the community, making grand claims with zero evidence to back it up. They tend to prey on vulnerable people, forming small cult-like groups of followers who all believe that they, too, will one day have their first shift. However, physical shifting is impossible, despite how much we wish it wasn't. Avoid these folks at all costs.

The listed troll behaviors are almost never isolated– trolls usually exhibit two or more behaviors from the list. Usually, I keep my guard up at one, but once you see at least two, you can be pretty sure they're a troll. However, I always try to give people the benefit of the doubt until they actually start hurting people.

This was a really good question, and it's good information to know. Thanks for asking!

Edit: added some stuff and corrected some typos

[theamberfang]

Journal 119

I didn’t mention it in my last post, but yesterday I watched a video that explained just how bad sugar is for people. To sum it up briefly, years of high sugar consumption has many of the same effects as years of alcoholism, primarily when it comes to liver damage and the accumulation of fat in the body. It inspired me to spend today consciously avoiding sugary things: candy and cookies of course, but also ostensibly healthy things like fruit juices.

I ended up watching more videos from that channel, learning about how fat and salt are far less harmful to our bodies than popular media had led me to believe in my lifetime, and how carbohydrates in general have many of the same effects as sugar does. I’m not sure if there’s any distinction yet, but I imagine carbs and starches are still an improvement over straight up processed sugar and high fructose corn syrup. At any rate, I still ate a good amount of rice today and since I live with my family, I can’t exactly stop eating rice. At the least, I suppose I can endeavor to eat less of it, as well as other grains in general.

Even though I’m pretty sure reducing my sugar consumption for a single day wouldn’t have noticeable effects, I am feeling better now. It’s mostly a mental thing: it feels like I’ve set my sights on an achievable goal that would have significant impact on my life, and it feels good. Also, for this first day at least, it didn’t take much effort. I mean, the core of this endeavor is simply “not doing something.” I’m not going out of my way to accomplish anything, so it’s not triggering any anxiety.

Another aspect is that this might help with my dysphoria. I know I’ve said I’m quite skinny before, and that’s still true if you just look at my limbs, but I do have a bit of a gut that’s bothered me for years at this point. I didn’t really know what I was doing wrong to get this belly, but now I know that it’s a “sugar gut” basically. Admittedly, this isn’t totally a gender specific thing, but it’s generally seen as less acceptable for a woman to have a gut and be out of shape, and for better or worse, this is one of the things I’d applied to myself even before I figured out my real gender identity - I recall being particularly proud of having an hourglass figure in high school. There’s also an aspect of it feeling “womanly” to be concerned with my diet and nutrition, especially for the purpose of improving my appearance - again, not necessarily a great gender norm, but it feels good for me to line up with it.

Hopefully once I get my sleeping schedule readjusted and I manage to actually talk to my family to some degree, I might be able to convince them to lay off the sugar and change our groceries and meals. Maybe I’ll also participate in some of the cooking, which is definitely something I’ve wanted to practice, especially to learn things from my mom, but I’ve been too anxious to do.

Tomorrow goals:

Keep up with waking earlier each day

Minimize sugar consumption as much as possible, and reduce the carbs

Journal