#not me yearning for ice cream at 3:45 am

[thisonesock]

At some point Stolas had invited Lucifer over to watch fucking soap operas with him. I can perfectly imagine them sitting on a couch in the dark with ice cream and hidden under blankets.

[aloegardenia]

its one of them tag things ennit

tagged by: @kcjenkinsoffical

1. full name: aalia [redacted]

2. nicknames: bitch

3. birthday: 21st of June

4. age: its in double figures at least

5. zodiac sign: the one with the two lines

6. moon sign: when its not there, like my will to live

7. ascendant: up

8. venus: certainly is a planet

9. gender: female, i suppose

10. pronouns: she/her, though usually over the internet everyone assumes im a dude so sometimes its not that

11. sexuality: LESBIAN

12: myer-briggs type: you can say mbti, it’s okay

13. relationship status: single and yearning for a gf

14. best friend: hes not on here n i cant say his name but hes great we talk about camp camp together n stuff like that????? mm i love him v much

15. religion: not really, no

16. favorite color: gay purple

17. favorite music genre: ? that’s a preference people have???

18. favorite band/artist: uhhhhhhhh dont make me pick one?? 

19. favorite song: right now its the meiko version of tokyo teddy bear

20. favorite holiday: all of them is time off so

21. favorite tv show: south park, camp camp, b99, nomad of nowhere... you only wanted one? well fuck you then

22. favorite youtuber: nerdcubed, kwite, mileschronicles, jacksfilms, sorrow tv, probably others im forgetting

23. favorite perfume: the closest one

24. favorite season: that one kinda warm week in spring

25. favorite flower: all of them fuck you stop making me pick

26. favorite gemstone: fucking sapphires man theyre beautiful

27. favorite roller coaster: the one that takes me to hell

28. favorite fruit: the cyanide extracted from cherry pits

29. favorite vegetable: carrots because they double as weapons

30. favorite ice cream flavor: all at once, square up bitch

31. favorite candy: whatever answer i come up for this ends up being sexual in some way

32. favorite restaurant: ones where the employees get paid enough

33. favorite fast food restaurant: ones where the employees get paid enough

34. favorite starburst flavor: the pink ones 

35. favorite pizza topping: i could make a sex joke... but i can’t think of one...

36. favorite chip flavor: paint

37. favorite non-alcoholic beverage: water 

38. favorite alcoholic beverage: holy water

39. favorite video game: skyrim. and tf2. and sp:fbw&sot. (i am watching n3 completes bully right now and, petey,,,, my son,,,,)

40. favorite board game: the version of monopoly made for your town, specifically

41. favorite city: not this one

42. favorite dog breed: all of them? fuck you?

43. favorite animal: all of them? fuck you? Except spiders they’re spawns of satan?

44. favorite number: 96 because it represents two people who have the restraint of a god

45. coffee or tea: tea bitch what country is this

46. vanilla or chocolate: both, at once

47. leather or denim: leather? clearly this is attributed to rosa diaz, whom i trust immensly

48. short or long sleeves: long, unlike my attention span

49. patterned or plain: plain im fucking blind

50. floral or plaid: GOD HOW LONG IS THIS THING

51. black or white: black like my inner goth

52. makeup or no makeup: no makeup because it feels weird (@my parents if you fucking try that shit on me i’ll turn your face into my personal sketchpad)

53. tumblr or twitter: both, except nobody reads my twitter posts

54. facebook, snapchat, or insta: instagram, do you  u n d e r s t a n d  what happens there

55. phone, tablet, or computer: computer because it has skyrim on it

56. liberal or conservative: not conservative, i suppose liberal but i am in the uk and i still dont completely understand 

57. sunrise or sunset: sunset bc i can sleep then

58. are you vegetarian: nah

59. are you vegan: no, you wouldnt have to ask if i was

60. are you allergic to anything: no but that doesnt stop me from being a picky eater

61. are you polyamorous: ive only had two “””serious””” relationships, in a sense, but fuck i guess? whats better than 1 gf? 2 gfs

62. have you been out of state: no im constantly in a state of fear

63. have you been out of country: ive been to florida which isnt here, so i suppose so

64. have you kissed a boy: nah, though ive come close (eugh)

65. have you kissed a girl: lol i wish

66. have you kissed an enby: i know one (1) in person and they dont talk to me, take a guess

67. have you ever broken a bone: no im a weakling

68. have you ever been to the emergency room: no im still a weakling

69. have you ever been high: HEY ITS QUESTION 69

70. have you ever been drunk: no my mum sleeps downstairs with the dog id never get shit past her

71. have you ever been in a band or choir: no and god am i glad i havent

72. have you ever catfished someone: maybe? or it might’ve been my friend. bitch deserved it though

73. do you have any siblings: no and that is not changing any time soon thank god

74. do you live with your parents: ye

75. do you have more than 100 followers: somehow, yes

76. do you have more than 1,000 followers: lol nah

77. do you have more than 10,000 followers: please, never

78. do you smoke weed: no its too much hassle

79.  do you drink: no too much hassle for something so lackluster

80. do you have a job: no and i dont think that’ll change lol

81. do you own any musician/youtuber merch: i keep a copy of tabinof in my wardrobe, a remnant of a dark time in my life

82. do you have any internet friends: mf i know a guy from the netherlands. n my mutuals here count too. i used to have one but we never ever ever talk about her ever again

83. do you play any instruments: no im useless

84. where are you going to college: it dont have a choice, gotta stay in edu til im 18

85. college major: psychology or animation, i hope (well thats not how it works here but i suppose focus or smthn)

86. names of all your group chats: ? idk bitch damn

87. tap the middle autofill button ten times: what the fuck kind of god can do this on mobile?

88. what timezone do you live in: idk bitch shit

89. your best friend’s sign: one that says “i wish i had a girlfriend” on it, i think

90. your 2nd, 3rd, and 4th closest friends’ signs: one that says “i love my boyfriend very much”, one that says “look at that cute girl over then i wish i knew how to flirt” and “i spend all my money on character skins for league of legends”

91. your crush’s sign: it says “I am attractive in a leather jacket”

92. your mom’s sign: it has “i am incredibly strong for dealing with this MS bullshit” written on it in large letters because its especially true

93. your dad’s sign: it says “i care for my wife and i work full time and i do the housework and put up with a moron of a child, holy fuck thats a lot im great” and it accurate ngl

94. your sibling’s signs: well uhhh since i dont have any

95. your enemy’s sign: its says “i lie to get attention because i don’t have a single positive character trait i feel i can put out into the world” and she waves it at me a lot

96. your ex’s sign: well one says “im a massive twat” in fine print and the other is probably in a ditch somewhere so w/e

97. ex best friend’s sign:”WHAT THE FUCK IF GOING ON”

98. tag 5 people to participate: no dont tell me what to do

[kcsfalloutshelter]

Happy?… Thanksgiving

The crying continues. One minute I am decorating and feeling the spirit of the holidays and yearning for the joys of the past. The next…I am longing for my grandmother and my dad and all that I feel I have lost over the last few years.

This year feels more painful than last year. Maybe, I was in shock for a year. I don’t remember feeling so heart-broken last year. It was brand new, fresh last year. Grandma has been gone almost two years. Yet, it feels like yesterday when they left me.

I spent most of the 2017 taking care of dad and trying to avoid inhaling the ever rising floor waters around me. I let myself fall apart for my birthday. I stayed in bed and cried like I had not cried in a very long time.

Just when I thought I couldn’t stand the pain another minute, Warren’s grandma called me. All I wanted was a call from my grandma and my prayers were answered. We often don’t get exactly what we ask. We get what we need.

After my birthday, I wiped myself off, put on my big-girl panties, and got on with the daily schedule.

This denial…which I didn’t even realize I was in until right now… was easily hidden because dad was getting so much sicker.

Dad and I had a conversation in last September. The cancer had used the chemo and radiation as fertilizer.

I love my dad. I could not have asked for a better dad. He had faults. Lots. But, he was my dad. He was there for me no matter what, always.

Why I felt the need to justify that statement is beyond my knowledge at the moment. Further investigation may need to happen.

The conversation lead to dad’s last gift for Beth and I.  Thanksgiving and Christmas have been the big holidays in our family all our lives. Slight changes over the years but the foundation stayed. Grandma died in the middle of December. I basically begged my dad to either die before December or wait until after January.

Sounds harsh but the conversation wasn’t. Dad understood.

This conversation was another where dad said he was ready to go home. He didn’t want the pain his body was being tortured with every second of every day. But, he didn’t want to leave us either.

I promise to take care of my sister.

Another revelation…more tears too. I didn’t feel the real weight of this promise until now.

The last real conversation grandma and I had consisted of a similar promise.

I promise to keep our family traditions alive.

These promises came almost 10 months apart. Thanksgiving was a no show.

I have been increasingly anxious about decorating the house. Creating lasting holiday memories for my grandsons. Crushed by traditions that are being changed or lost. Brainstorming how to keep our family together and help shape our traditions to honor the past while being flexible to the current family schedules, and locations.

I have felt like it was up to me alone to determine, or plan to keep, family traditions alive. It is not up to me alone. I am one of thirteen grandchildren. Several of us have adult children. Although, I believe I am the only grandma.

Is that why I feel like I am the head of this insane pack?

Maybe…

While letting this post write itself, like ink flowing from the quills of Lord Tennyson’s mind, I am continually amazed by the connections my mind makes.

Critical thinking is obviously a blessed companion to wandering.

I am trying to plan and be joyful.

I want to smile and laugh.

I want to be free of the aching pain that fills my chest and threatens to drown me.

I do not want to bite at my husband. I do not want to avoid family and friends.

So, I take it minute by minute.

In an effort to feel better, Wednesday night,  I drug all the Christmas decoration storage boxes from the basement. The idea was to have the boxes ready for decorating after the Macy’s Parade.

Hit the music, Please.

A little Lauren Daigle and friends.

Some of the boxes are damp. I knew I should have changed to all plastic bins. 100 year old house comes with some challenges. In the end, all are well worth the work. I love my house, even the rooms we haven’t fixed yet.

See? Do you already have emotional whiplash? My husband says he does…

The music played. I sorted and tossed items that were damp or falling apart from age.

  Bringing up the bins.

After sorting a bit…

  The orange bin…Some pieces from my grandma’s village live in the orange bin for 10 months a year. After grandma passed away, we got to split up the village between all the grandchildren and great grandchildren. It was her pride and joy. She loved her village. We all would help her add to her collection over the years. Most of us went on to start our own villages.

In 2013, my cousin and her family helped grandma put up a large portion of grandma’s village. The love and memories that are attached to each building, tree, person, pathway and light are irreplaceable.

What did grandma’s 2013 village really look like? Glad you asked…

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So, happiness fulled the air. Warren commented that he felt grandma and dad in the room with us. As we chatted, I kept moving boxes and trying to decide why I was just moving the items into another box or bin, when we were just going to take them back out Thursday.

Let the decorating begin.

Five hours later, Warren begs me to take my tired self to bed. I am tired. I am that tired that seeps in you bones and makes your muscles ache. My eyes burn and are a delightfully puffy shade of rouge.

But, will this happiness leave if I rest?

1 AM – I finally submit to trying to sleep.

Toss. Turn. TOSS. TURN.

Have you played this fun game? Delightful.

2 AM – Not going to happen.

Insomnia sucks!

Back downstairs to the bins. No radio. Fix what is bugging me and go back to bed. That is the plan. Stick to the plan.

Sure.

Not going to happen.

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That’s it. Five pictures.

What time did I fall asleep?

3:30 AM.

I was not working on just these. No, that would make sense. I was still sorting bags and bins. The orange bin has returned to the safety of the basement as it is only full of packing paper.

I have also decided to go through all three drawers under the window seat in the dining room.

Why?

Well, I found a glue gun. No glue. I thought I saw some glue in one of the drawers. I throw things in two of the drawers all the time. You know that quick clean up of random items that mysteriously appear, through the help of no one living, and Never leave.

Not there. At least, the drawers are clean and organized again.

I slept through my 8:45 AM alarm. Of course.

Way to go, wacky sleep pattern and racing mind for the win.

I missed the beginning of the Macy’s parade. At least we decided no turkey…or ham…or gathering of any sort days ago. So, no food is ruined. I am Blessed.

I have to look at the silver lining, the blessings, the miracles above the pain. Above the Anger. I feel it simmering below the surface.

I want to lash out. I want everyone to hurt as much as I do. I never want anyone to ever feel as much pain as I do now.

Poor, Warren. Some one really should get him a helmet and shoulder pads.

I am sure you are bursting with interest in what we did eat. Sorry, had to poke fun at our desire to share our meals with each other via virtual images. I have been the poster of many breakfasts, lunches, and dinners. Not to mention, additional posts of ice cream and cake. Warren and I love sweets, almost as much as we love each other.

Constant blessings are in my life. I just have to remember to look . Warren talks me down when the anger threatens to spill out the door and down the highway. I thankfully know the tricks to anchor him when similar events arise.

Food Choice: Breakfast – Chocolate chip waffles.  When? Still pending.

Current time: 5:58 PM Thursday, November 22, 2018.

Oh great! Another day where eating wasn’t a priority. Too bad eating one meal a day doesn’t make you thinner. But, we also know how picky I am…You missed that post? Oh, take a look back over past posts. I know I have mentioned it. 🙂

I have cried. I have laughed. I have been thankful. I have been angry. I have been blessed.

I need to keep reminding myself that dad and grandma, and everyone else we have lost over the past 8 years, are right here with us. I just need to stop. Breathe. Listen. They are there. A wise person told me today that I know exactly what they would say to me if I was talking to them . Listen. You can hear them with you.

Death is not the end. We will see each other again.

Each time depression bares down, pulling me down a dark path, I remember that I am not alone. Even when I cannot see, I am being carried. I am Loved.

So, let the anger pass. Cry every tear that wants to fall. Whether you are in denial, anger, sadness, bargaining, or acceptance, let your grief run it’s own race. Don’t expect to one day wake up and never feel sad again.

I am grateful for every emotion. These emotions hold precious memories linked to the most important people and events in my life. Without these moments, I would not be who I am.

Life sucks. Grief sucks.

Smile through the pain. Remember we are never truly along. We just need to stop. Breathe. Listen. …and don’t forget to go eat something.

  If you are enjoying my blog, please share and follow. I appreciate you and thank you for reading.

  Happy? Thanksgiving... Can we be thankful when we are in pain? Can grief over-shadow joy? Happy?... Thanksgiving The crying continues. One minute I am decorating and feeling the spirit of the holidays and yearning for the joys of the past.