#not me tagging this with carrie knowing damn well i havent posted anything about her since her birthday

[fedorah-the-explorah]

fine. i'll make the fanart I want to see in this fandom, but I'm gonna complain about it the whole time :/

[rookiewithachance]

ok you know what this is getting its own post so tumblr doesnt delete half my tags and therefor half the shit i have to say about this like it did with the first version of this post

personal shit below the cut—nothing bad or graphic or triggering (unless you count minor gender dysphoria and parents not getting it...) just me ranting about my parents and the gender identity crisis im going through right now.... so read at your own discretion 

i knOW that this isn’t like a special or new issue.... this shit happens to lots of people, where they’re going through gender identity crises or what have you, and when they talk to their parents about it the parents just don’t fuckin get it. they’re not even like angry about it they just actively don’t understand, and they do it in a semi harmful way.

but listen okay l i s t e n

if i have to listen to my mom say “but why do you need to label it, why can’t you just be you” one more time im gonna mcfuckin lose it ok

she means well i know she does and she and my dad are from a very different time where labels were considered Bad but listen ma, i love you but a) why does what i choose to call myself bother you so damn much especially when you can see that im upset about it when i brought it up, and b) this??? IS me being myself????? that is exACTLY WHAT’S HAPPENING RN im trying!! to figure out who or what myself is!!! but thank you!!!!! for adding to my doubt and feeding the voice in my head that tells me that i’m just making shit up and that i’m taking away from the people who are actually going through gender stuff and that im just overthinking myself..................... because lowkey it feels like thats what im doing. and i know i kNOW that that’s probably not true because that’s exactly what i did with mental illness and boom would you look at that, and my mental health is probably affecting this as well, but...... mER

i dont even know if i can CALL this gender dysphoria... idk like that phrase carries such weight to me and this doesnt feel like its... at that level?? i dont feel like i was born into the wrong body or that i need to transition in any way bc to me my genitals dont have to define my gender. like look ok fuckin listen i have a fuckin vulva and a vagina and mammaries’r’w/e and shit but that doesnt have to mean im a girl. i dont need a dick to be masculine, just like i dont have to have a vulva to be feminine. which side tangent why do i even care masculinity and femininity are both social constructs and are complete bullshit in my opinion so whY DOES THIS EVEN MATTER TO ME??? @my brain what the actual fuck why are you like this

anyways

its not even like.... being referred to as female is what bothers me. i don’t mind she/her pronouns, i dont really care about what pronouns people use for me, but it’s just................. when someone uses female-coded or even male-coded language in reference towards me. things that started as gendered but became more neutral like dude or babe and other shit dont bother me its just...... like listen every time one of my parents calls me baby girl it lowkey actually makes me want to cry, and i dont know why i just feel so shitty being called that

i also just sometimes.... feel more masculine or more feminine than other times and wanna present differently. like im considering looking into getting a binder because i really feel like that would help with the presentation stuff but also!!! theres that doubt again!!!!! ahahahahaha silly kelli ur not trans binders arent For You and if you buy them that’s appropriation or something, either way its bad and you should feel shitty for considering it :)

is this like................ idk, is this genderfluid???? is that what this is??????? idk idk ive just been saying gender nonconforming bc that covers the gist of it and lets me sort my shit out without the pressure of needing to “””stay true””” to whatever label or thing i use..... again, another irrational anxiety but h e y thats me for ya

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa this is getting long but heres the thing: i love my parents. i really fucking do. they have their shortcomings of course because being the perfect parent is literally impossible, but all in all im pretty fortunate to have such loving parents. but theyre just. theyre a lot right now. i get it okay i do, they miss me and theyre going through separation stuff and they feel like theyre losing me or whatever but like...... i dont........ want to video chat every night, like we did my freshman year. i needed that then, and what i need now is...... space. some space to figure out how to be a singular entity doing shit for myself and having time to be alone with my thoughts yknow. my mental health is in the goddamn sewers and i havent been sleeping as well as i should be and im feeling overwhelmed with schoolwork and clubs and then of course all this gender stuff started happening :) so yeah sorry if im not very talkative when you chat with me every single night. i dont have much to talk about, and the stuff you guys talk about???? sorry but.... i dont really care. its shitty to say but i just. i dont. i love you guys but i have better shit to be doing than talking about who you saw in the coffeeshop this morning or what happened at work

and see, normally i would talk to them about this. but i just... dont think that would do anyone any good. they wont understand it, and then when i explain it theyre just gonna feel dumb, and theyre gonna forget and slip up and never remember and then just go around feeling guilty about it without ever changing their language...... and their guilt is gonna make me feel like shit too. so whats even the point of telling them about it?? of getting them to actually sit down and listen instead of bringing it up in the middle of sobbing my way through my woes and my parents asking me well meant but upsetting questions and then moving on as if nothing happened 

sigh........... idk. thats about it i guess. congrats if you got this far, im sending you digital hugs. words of support are of course appreciated but not at all necessary, i aint fishin for anything im just here to lay it all out in one place. hopefully i get some of all this mess sorted out. if i had more money id just go ahead and buy a binder but im a bit strapped for cash. not broke per se but i have very limited funds and those have to carry me through the entire semester, so....... trying not to make any unnecessary purchases and my brain refuses to justify a binder as something worth the money.......... which again, is probably not true, but.... we’ll see.

much love to you all, im gonna head to bed and try to sleep cause i got class in the morning and i still havent finished the readings ;3

[ultramarinequeen]

RULES: Choose any three fandoms (in random order) and answer the questions, then tag 10 people.  (if you don’t wish to see this post, please press j)

TAGGED BY: @hornyliverpudlianputz​ , my dearest monkee partner in crime. thank you and i havent done a personal post in like legitimately probably 3 years so lets go

Three fandoms:

* EUReKA

* The Monkees (what a shock)

* Dr. Who (very nearly picked the x files but lets roll w/ it)

(for the sake of simplicity i’ll be doing original runs only for that which applies.)

The first character you loved:

EUReKA - Nathan Stark. He wasn’t in the first episode and I still loved the show from the first viewing but. Definitely him. He’s still in like, my top three characters of all time.

The Monkees - Before I knew anything about the show, Mike was my favourite. I defaulted onto him when I started watching until Micky took over as my favourite.

Dr. Who - The Doctor. (What a shock) I started with the very first episode, An Unearthly Child, and he’s just such an interesting and charismatic character.

The character you never expected to love so much:

EUReKA - Taggart. He’s not my favourite character but I still really like him. He doesn’t do well to ingratiate himself in the first episode but once he’s not openly hostile to Jack and you learn more about him he became one I really enjoyed (and missed when he kind of got phased out)

The Monkees - Micky. He’s my favourite by a wide margin now, as anyone who knows me will tell you, but before I watched it (and even in the first few episodes) he was very under my radar. I’ve known vaguely about the Monkees my whole life but I had a very different idea of what they were compared to what they actually are just because of a lack of information, and I��d centred on Mike before I knew anything about any of them. Upon my first viewing Mike was still my favourite but Micky crept into my notice and I ended up falling in love with him.

Dr. Who - There are a lot of characters this could apply to - Jamie McCrimmon and the Sixth Doctor, my favourite companion and incarnation, fall under this category - but the most unexpected one was definitely Kamelion. He’s an automaton who is in legitimately only two serials, the one he’s introduced in and the one he’s killed off in. They do very little with his character but something about him fascinates me, and now he’s in my top 3 companions. Don’t ask why I can’t even explain it

The character you relate to the most:

EUReKA - Nathan Stark. He’s more of an asshole than I am, but there are definite similarities, and as I discovered EUReKA while I was in middle school I probably grew to embody more of his character traits than I had originally because of how much I love him. He’s driven, snarky, sarcastic, intelligent, determined to find the answer/truth to things he cares about, and he obsesses over things that interest him. In some ways I’m more similar to Zane than Nathan, such as being lazy about things I don’t care about, but Nathan definitely wins out here.

The Monkees - As much as I’d like to say Micky, it’s deffo Mike. I’ve got that sarcastic, deadpan humour and a snark, and sometimes I have to restrain myself from making a joke that will definitely be read as being harsh. I’ve got a bit of a strong personality that leads my friends to default on me if they don’t want to make a decision, a cool head under pressure (he usually has the coolest, dependent on what’s funniest for a gag) and a few other related traits Mike has, too. I’ve got Micky’s propensity for schemes and plans and his (usually present) reliance on science, but Mike for sure.

Dr. Who - It’s a break between Romana I and Zoe. Zoe is very scientifically minded and can be quite stubborn and pushy about her way, which I definitely can be, but Romana I is like a more naive, haughty version of myself. If I was actually driven to get perfect scores and had a bigger ego, we’d be the same person.

The character you’d slap:

EUReKA - There are a few, but General Mansfield is up there. I know he’s just doing his job but like you gotta be an asshole about it? 

The Monkees - Captain Crocodile for singling out and then embarrassing Micky on the telly. Also Mr. Babbitt even though the guys kind of deserve him berating them about months-late rent

Dr. Who - That bitch Dastari from the Two Doctors for selling out and betraying not one but two incarnations of Dr. Who at once and in general being a spineless bastard

Three favorite characters (in order of preference):

EUReKA - Nathan Stark, Zane Donovan, and either Deputy Andy or Taggart

The Monkees - Micky, Mike, then Peter or Davy dependent on the episode

Dr. Who - I’ll split this into companions and then Doctors. For companions it’s Jamie McCrimmon, Romana I, and Kamelion, and for Doctors it’s Six, Two, and One

A character you liked at first, but don’t anymore:

EUReKA - Most of the characters I made my opinion pretty quickly after getting ample information on them. I guess the person who fits in here the best is Henry, as I liked him, then disliked him, and then grew to like him again. Henry’s a very complex character and it’s part of that which led to me liking him less - he starts out very friendly and funny but as terrible things happen to him he, understandably, gets withdrawn and less enjoyable. There’s more than a bit of a disconnect between how I would have handled things and how he handles things, and he does make a lot of mistakes - while that’s human, some of them just make him less likeable overall until he heals over the later seasons.

The Monkees - None of them fit into this category proper. The closest thing I can say is that Mike was my favourite first and was then overtaken by Micky, but he’s still my second favourite, and I love all the boys dearly. There aren’t really many recurring characters of note, and those that do exist did not undergo a change in my opinion of them.

Dr. Who - The Fifth Doctor. I still like him, I don’t hate any of the incarnations, but he was my second favourite for quite a time. I guess after watching enough of his serials I started to grow a bit weary of his demeanour? Or at the very least favour other incarnations. Still good though.

Three OTPs:

EUReKA - Uhhhhh probably Henry and Kim (if all that bullshit hadn’t happened), Jack and Allison, and like. Fargo and Claudia. It counts.

The Monkees - I don’t ship the guys with each other and don’t have any ships of them with others, really. Davy does enough of it to carry over to everyone, don’t you think? Or I could be a prick and say Micky is mine.

Dr. Who - Barbara and Ian, Ben and Polly, and either Tegan and Nyssa or One and Cameca

I tag @thekingsstudy​ and @codeobsidian​ cos idk a damn person on here