#not me highlighting all the lyrics that stuck out to me like I’m studying

[iwanthermidnightz]

these lyrics are so…fitting for describing an intense secretive relationship. also like the use of babylon again— the religious and metaphorical implications of the hanging gardens of babylon being one of the seven wonders, but proof of existence/location cannot be found in ancient texts, but the lore of it all is like a well known secret.

[fuckyeselucien]

Creator Highlight #16 - @shadowisles-writes

Today we’d like to highlight @shadowisles-writes. Shadowisles is a true treasure in the Elucien side of the fandom. She’s both a talented writer and a beloved friend to many. If you get a chance to talk to her, her wit comes through with her quick sense of humor and her top tier takes on every character. 

A true master fic writer, shadowisles has written 44 ACOTAR fics, including 18 Elucien fics! Equal parts sweet and spicy, she will have you giggling and kicking your feet in one fic and blushing in the next.  Her writing is the kind that you can’t peel your eyes away from, whether you’re reading about Elain and Lucien fighting over the best study seat in her academia series or canon Elain following Lucien all the way to the Day Court. Every fic is a treat that leaves you craving more! 

Below are a few favorites, but you’ll want to read all the fics on her masterlist, here! 

So Long, London 

"You swore that you loved me but where were the clues, I died on the altar waiting for the proof."

After the war with Hybern, Elain is welcome back into Graysen Nolan's estate to marry him. Elated to live the life she dreamed of, Elain learns to glamour herself to fit in among the humans of their village. Unable to keep away on her wedding day, Lucien paces outside until the very last moment he can interrupt to beg her to reconsider, except the scene he walks into is anything but a wedding.

I’m With You 

Without the urgency of war looming over Prythian, Elain begins to question if the Night Court is where she belongs. Her mate travelling at will between courts and the human lands fills her with the longing to accompany him. Except being alone with Lucien in the Day Court means confronting conflicting feelings, which only get more complicated as secrets and threats to her safety emerge.

Or: the one time the lyrics "And if you need a light, I’ll be the match to your candle, my darling," made me daydream about Day Court Elucien for weeks.

Tethered 

Elain moves to university after the semester has already started and finds herself stuck outside in the cold after the fire alarm goes off in her building. Lucky for her, a red haired neighbor is willing to share his blanket, and a lot more than that too.

Want to nominate someone? Fill out the form HERE.

[mangozcat]

𝐏𝐀𝐈𝐑𝐈𝐍𝐆. lee donghyuck x fem!reader 𝐆𝐄𝐍𝐑𝐄. fluff, heavy angst, smut 𝐒𝐘𝐍𝐎𝐏𝐒𝐈𝐒. you were forced in an awkward spot when your best friend, of which you had fallen in love with somewhere along the road, got a girlfriend. his attention was forced from your morning coffee runs and rose petal scent to the way her eyes lit up every time he gave her a kiss on the cheek. so when you finally get some time to catch up with your best friend, you eagerly took the opportunity, realizing just how much spending time with him, being forced to stay as friends, was breaking your heart. so you finally did it; you came clean to the boy of your dreams.

𝐘𝐎𝐔 𝐅𝐄𝐋𝐓 𝐋𝐈𝐊𝐄 𝐘𝐎𝐔 𝐖𝐄𝐑𝐄 𝐓𝐇𝐈𝐑𝐃 𝐖𝐇𝐄𝐄𝐋𝐈𝐍𝐆. haechan’s hand was interlocked with hers, eyes glowing as they discussed how nice the scented candles on display smelled. together, they seemed like the perfect image of a beautiful couple out on a mission to buy as many holiday gifts as they could. so, together, they wandered around the bath and body works inside the mall, leaving you standing at the pretzel stand in the middle of the in-door courtyard.

yeah, you were certainly third wheeling.

honestly, you weren’t sure why you had agreed to come along in the first place. you knew watching them interact and share the occasional kiss would only make your heart hurt more. and it certainly had. maybe you needed to work on your ability to say “no” aloud, but how could you, when haechan had given you that innocent look that made him look like a lost puppy? as expected, you lost.

at least you had bought a pretzel. that seemed like the highlight of this whole trip. when they disappeared inside, you decided to wander into your own store, browsing the shoes upon the shelves. maybe you’d treat yourself for all the heartache you endured (which was your fault, though you liked it better when you were in denial.)

you still don’t know when it happened.

one day, your friendship with haechan was normal, simply platonic. the two of you met in high school, stuck in some classes together. you were paired with him for a project, and when he came over to your place, two coffee’s in hand, you had decided he was a keeper.

he even introduced you to his closest friends, and you were surprised to find how well you worked together. renjun and jaemin, two of his friends, had even made a bet about who would give in first. they didn’t necessarily doubt that guys and girls could be friends, but when they saw your chemistry, they knew it would incredibly stupid if you didn’t start dating.

but the two of you had built this idea in your mind that your relationship was simply platonic. even when the two of you had shared a breathtaking kiss during a game of spin the bottle, neither of you changed your minds. just a friendship, that’s all you guys thought of it.

just a friendship.

from then, you guys had the occasional sleepover and movie night. you and haechan were as close as you could be, and you were very content with your friendship.

but then your perspective changed. when you cuddled, and his hands rested on your sides, you always noticed your heartbeat speed up drastically. every time you woke up to his smell, his sleepy smile and tired groans, you felt so happy. it was such a strange attraction for you, to learn that you were falling in love with your best friend with sparkling eyes and a bright smile. every time he was near you, you seemed to pick up this spark, always finding yourself stuck in this never-ending loop of him.

and then your world cracked.

haechan came over to your apartment one morning with a coffee in his hand, a smile etched on his lips. he seemed to excited, and for what? you weren’t entirely sure. and then he revealed to you that he had found a girl that caught his eye, and wanted you to help him choose a date location.

it all felt wrong. the way you agreed so quickly, the fake smiles you had to send to him to mask your disappointment, and how jealous you were that he was stolen from you, even though he was never yours to begin with. it should’ve been you, you had thought at the time.

it should’ve been you that got roses, that got a nice night at some nice diner with haechan, and it should’ve been you he announced to be his girlfriend the next week.

he never would know how painful it was for you. after all, how could he? you were a master of pretending, and you had been doing it for two years. it wasn’t enjoyable, nor was it easy to hide how lost you were every time you cried in jaemin’s arms about how you had lost him; how you had lost the boy of your dreams, and also your best friend.

your relationship would never be the same, especially since his eyes weren’t on you anymore, his arms weren’t wrapped around you as you watched movies, nor did he ever sleep in the same bed as you. the two of you had lost the bond that took oh-so long to develop, and you weren’t too sure if you’d ever be able to spark it again.

the three of you ended up meeting again an hour later, bringing together all of your combined gifts and placing them in haechan’s car. haechan’s girlfriend, mini, enthusiastically rambled on about how excited she was to get home and start decorating her apartment for christmas. you couldn’t help but notice how his eyes lit up when he gazed at her, and how invested in the topic he seemed.

you had nothing against mini. in fact, the two of you were decent friends. she was nice and sweet and honestly held no ill intent. it was strange, enjoyable, and painful knowing that you got along with the girl that stole away your haechan. he wasn’t yours to begin with, you had to remind yourself, he doesn’t belong to you.

“what about you?” mini asked you, a smile on her face. her hair was shoulder length, a cute style you thought fit her quite well. short and well shaped bangs adorned her forehead and you were reminded of how pretty she was. green eyes, light pink cheeks and puffy lips, she was quite a stunner.

“what’s up?” you asked, knitting your eyebrows together. perhaps you had zoned out for a little longer than expected. mini shook her head, knowing a little too well that you had done this since the two of you met. you were never there, always in your own little world.

“I asked if you were excited to decorate,” mini reminded politely. at some point, haechan had sneaked off to the bathroom, leaving you and mini alone for a minute or two.

“oh!” you exclaimed, “a bit? I’m certainly not hyped to get out my decorations or put in the effort to put them up, but I’m excited for the end result. I always loved the lights especially, they’re always so stunning and magical to me.”

she let out a small laugh, accepting your honesty. “me too, to be honest. I only really enjoy the decorating part because of my mom,” she said, a fond smile appearing on her face at the mention of her mother. “she made us put up decorations every year, and our house always looked like a mess. but it was something we all did together, at least.”

mini never really talked to you about her family, but it was nice to hear about. often times, the two of you only spoke about casual things (most of which involved haechan), and it never really got deeper than that. it was strangely nice, you noticed.

when haechan returned from the bathroom, shooting you both a dazzling smile and asking if you were ready to leave, you and mini nodded eagerly. getting in his car and getting ready to drive back to your apartments, you couldn’t help but notice the way haechan’s fingers laced with hers over the middle compartment.

and suddenly, the pain was back.

with mini living closest to the mall, she had been dropped off first. and as perfect as it had seemed, you and haechan were left alone, the man driving you home whilst quietly humming along to the song on the radio. his fingers idly drummed against the steering wheel and you were left to bask in the silence of the moment, staring out the window.

“we used to listen to this song,” he finally said, finger drifting over to turn up the music. when you heard the song, a soft smile appeared on your face as you heard the soft tunes in your ears. “when we met, specifically.”

you remembered. how could you forget? haechan would always stumble into your appartment with his notebook, ready to study with you. and when the two of you began, he’d put on some playlist of his. you always loved this song in specific, and it got to the point where he played it on loop, turning the sound down as to not dull your mind from listening to it on repeat.

“I still love it,” you smiled slightly, tilting your head back against the seat. closing your eyes, you listened to the song, getting lost in the familar lyrics.

“yeah, me too.”

you wanted to talk to him like you used to. wanted to claim that the silence was comfortable, and that you didn’t need to say anything out loud to feel content with your friendship. yet, you couldn’t. it felt forced, the small conversation, and it quickly died out. the silence was awkward, and you were fearful of what that meant.

you had hoped it would never get to this point. where you were unfamiliar with alone time, and were lost when it came to talking to him whilst alone. it never felt like the two of you actually hung out, and were simply clinging onto what you thought was familiar; each other.

but you weren’t familar anymore and holding on was hopeless, you knew. the two of you were too scared to move on, to put each other in the past and move onto better things, less painful things. it was unfixable.

but yet, despite knowing that, your heart still jumped when he said, “I miss spending time with you, y’know.” you had glanced over at the boy, his eyes still on the road. “I heard there’s a firework show in town later this week. would you-“ he paused, lost in how to ask for one simple thing; to accompany him to the last set of normality he could remember, -“I don’t know, maybe, would you want to go with me?”

you smiled, “like old times?”

he finally looked over at you when he came to a stop at a red light. smiling, he nodded, “just like old times.”

preview | part one | part two 

[illfoandillfie]

Promise

Pairing: Aromantic!Fem!Reader x Ben Hardy

Warnings: Implied smut and some Feelings talk but honestly it’s pretty tame.

Words: 1,413

A/N: It’s Aggressively Arospec Week! So, as promised, I’m going to be posting a few blurbs/short one shots and things during the coming week to celebrate, all of them taking place within my Platonically verse. All of the posts will be tagged as “platonically event” in case you want to find them later (or block the tag)

This first one is inspired by a song - Promise by The Novel Ideas. I think it was probably written with a more romantic relationship in mind but theres a few lyrics in there that I choose to interpret as queerplatonic, and that especially reminded me of Ben and Reader in Platonically.

Ben’s house was a comforting place. You’d always felt comfortable there, since you’d first become friends with Ben, but especially after you got together. It was bigger than your place for one, an actual house and not a rundown flat you had to share to afford, though it was still fairly small. Its yard was almost non-existent but there was a scrap out the back that caught the sun in the afternoons. More than once you and however many friends had huddled there on wintery afternoons to warm up or else sprawled out in as few layers as you could get away with hoping the mercury wouldn’t rise much higher. So, after a day mostly spent indoors, huddled at your computers, you and Ben decided it might be nice to take a picnic rug out into the sunshine to relax before you had to worry about dinner. Of course, when Ben suggested the idea he chose to use the phrase, “boost our vitamin D levels” and you thought he was insinuating something else entirely.   “Well if that’s really what you want,” he laughed, pretending to reach for the waistband of his joggers.

Instead you stuck to his original idea, grabbing a fuzzy orange blanket from his wardrobe and laying it out over the patchy grass, throwing a couple of pillows down on top so your heads at least would be comfortable. For a while you just sort of did your own things near each other. Ben was preparing for a new movie so took the opportunity to read over the information he had and sections of the script, occasionally muttering to himself or highlighting something important (nearly always almost dropping his phone onto his face). And you happily stretched out beside him, relishing the warmth of the sun as you played games on your phone and scrolled through Tumblr. But, the lower in the sky the sun got, the closer together you moved until the sky was tinted with pink and you were laying perpendicular to each other, your head resting on his stomach. With a sigh, Ben set aside his phone and looked up at the wispy clouds moving across the sky. You knew what he was thinking about though he stayed quiet. “How long before you go?” “We start shooting in two weeks but I fly out a little before that just so I can get settled and meet everyone and there’s time to do any prep stuff before filming actually begins.” He paused but realised he hadn’t really answered you, “twelve days,” “Thats ages away,” you said with a soft laugh though you both knew the time would go by quickly. It wouldn’t be the first time you waved Ben off at the airport, but it would be the first time since you’d decided to be queerplatonic partners. Something about it made you a little sad, knowing you wouldn’t have your best friend by your side for the few months it took to film the movie, but it wasn’t the end of the world and you were excited on his behalf too.   Ben sighed again, less audibly than before but you could feel it in the way his stomach and chest moved so you rolled over to face him, propping yourself up on your elbow, studying the pensive expression he wore and determining he needed cheering up.   “I expect you to bring me back a present,” He smiled, his eyes drifting from the sky down to you as he let his head turn to the side, “I’ll keep that in mind,” “And I don’t mean something crappy like sweets or whatever junk you usually bring me. That was fine before but there has to be some sort of perk since I’m your partner now. I mean, everyone thinks I’m your girlfriend so you really have no choice here, you have to bring me something good.” The smile slowly spread until Ben was laughing, “Okay, something good it is then.” You giggled along with him, ignoring the patch of hard dirt under your elbow until you couldn’t any longer and instead rolled onto your back so you could lie beside him and let him wrap you up in his arms. And for a little while that was enough. It was close to being too warm, hot as you were from laying in the sun, but you didn’t mind, content in the knowledge that Ben was happy too.

Slowly his grip loosened until it was just his palm rubbing gently over your stomach and side, his thoughts back where they’d been before, “If I’d known I wouldn’t have auditioned for the movie,” “What?” “If I’d known things between us would work. At the time I kinda figured it was a good excuse in case asking you out ruined shit. I could just lay low for a few weeks and then dip, give you some space. But now it kinda feels like a mistake.” “Are you kidding? It’s a great roll, Ben, and you’re going to be amazing in it.” “Yeah I know, and I am excited about it,” “I’d hope so since it means you get to go to Greece,” He gave another soft chuckle at that, “Yeah that’s definitely part of my excitement. And it will be fun. But things are really good with you. Like really good. And I don’t want to ruin that by leaving.” You understood where he was coming from but still felt he was being a bit ridiculous, “You better not be getting romantically sentimental on me. It’s not like we live in the Regency period and have to rely on letters in the post or whatever. And besides, we’re not romantically involved so it’s a bit stupid for you to get all depressed about going.” You gave him a poke in the ribs for good measure.   “I promise I’m not,” there was an audible lift in his voice, “I just feel very protective of you. I don’t want you to be sad.” “Uhhhh, I’m going to be house sitting for you so there’s no chance of me being sad. I’ll have this place to myself and I am definitely going to enjoy it. Playing music as loud as I want, eating my way through your stash of chocolate, playing all your video games whenever I want. Able to be loud when I masturbate. No need to worry about accidentally waking up a roommate or walking in on her giving her boyfriend a bj. Fucking paradise really.” Ben snorted at the last bit and squeezed you tight again before kissing your temple, “Okay, sad isn’t a problem then. But I also don’t want you to realise I’m not necessary.” It was your turn to snort though it was less about amusement and more about how daft Ben sounded, “But you aren’t necessary.” “Way to make a guy feel special Y/N,” “No it’s a good thing. Like, being aro, I know I don’t need a relationship of any kind and, honestly, I’d be happy being single. I was happy being single for a long time. I have no desire for a relationship. But I want to be with you anyway. It doesn’t matter that I don’t feel a particular way for you. I just like you so much and think you’re such a good friend and we have so much fun that I’m happy with you. And I don’t want to stop being with you. You being in Greece isn’t going to change that.” “Guess I never thought of it like that. Kinda sweet actually.” “Plus, y’know, we’re pretty great at sex, right?” “Oh definitely great at it.”

It was much darker by then, the sun hanging low in the sky, but you barely noticed as Ben’s lips met yours, soft and comforting at first though neither of you seemed to want to be the one to stop the kiss. So neither of you did stop it. Instead you both shifted around to make it easier, eventually settling with his knee between your legs, giving you something to rock against as his arms loosened and his hands slid down to cup your arse. You knew you would miss him while he was away. He was your best friend so of course you would. But you weren’t worried. And you hoped you could at least distract Ben from whatever worries he had about it, if not cure them entirely.   “It’s getting dark Benny, you wanna move this inside? Think I’m a little low on Vitamin D.”

[contre-qui]

Tag 9 people to learn about their interests.

I was tagged by: @just-a-cup-of-anxietea (I'm sure you already knew, but this just really highlights how indecisive I am!)

MUSIC

Fave genre? Pop rock/pop punk usually (but a little bit of everything)

Fave artist? It's hard to pick one but I really love Patrick Wolf and Dolly Parton

Fave song? Again so hard to pick but probably "The Magic Position" by Patrick Wolf

Most listened song recently? "Coming Home" by Leon Bridges

Song currently stuck in your head? "Rhiannon" by Fleetwood Mac and "Vengo Dalla Luna" by Måneskin

5 fave lyrics? (Why is this so hard???)

Hear the Salvation Army band./Down by the riverside/Bound to be a better ride/Than what/you've got planned./Carry your gun in your hand./Look around,/Leaves are brown,/And the sky is a hazy shade of winter. ("Hazy Shade of Winter" - yes the Gerard Way/Ray Toro version from Umbrella Academy let me live)

I hear her voice in the mornin' hour, she calls me/The radio reminds me of my home far away/Drivin' down the road, I get a feelin'/That I should've been home yesterday ("Take Me Home, Country Roads" by John Denver)

If the children don't grow up,/Our bodies get bigger but our hearts get torn up./We're just a million little gods causin' rain storms, turnin' every good thing to/Rust.I guess we'll just have to adjust ("Wake Up" by Arcade Fire)

Just beyond your limits/Find the new frontier/I live in the darkness/It's dark in here ("Dark In Here" by The Mountain Goats)

radio or your own playlist | solo artists or bands | pop or indie | loud or silent volume I slow or fast songs | music video or lyrics video | speakers or headset | riding a bus in silence or while listening to music | driving in silence or with radio on

BOOKS

Fav book genre? Sci fi/fantasy

Fave writer? Neil Gaiman, Audre Lorde, Ray Bradbury, Lev Grossman, Markus Zusak, Mary Shelley, and probably more but that would take a long list

Fave book? I simply cannot pick a favorite. But a selection includes: Zami: A New Spelling of My Name by Audre Lorde, American Gods by Neil Gaiman, The Martian Chronicles by Ray Bradbury, The Magicians by Lev Grossman, Wicked by Gregory Maguire, An Unkindness of Ghosts by Rivers Solomon, and the list goes on and on and on

Fave book series? The Magicians Trilogy by Lev Grossman

Comfort book? The Graveyard Book by Neil Gaiman

Rainy day book? Probably poetry actually

Fave characters? Julia Wicker from The Magicians, Elphaba Thropp from Wicked, Crowley from Good Omens... Probably some others but I don't really imprint on book characters as much as I do on the books themselves.

5 quotes from your fave books?

"Aye. You gender-malcontent. You otherling," she said [...]. "Me too. I am a boy and a girl and a witch all wrapped into one strange, flimsy, indecisive body. Do you think my body couldn't decide what it wanted to be?"

"I think it doesn't matter because we get to decide what our bodies are or are not, " he answered.

[...] "Is that so? Then I am magic. I say it, therefore it is true," she said. (An Unkindness of Ghosts by Rivers Solomon)

[...] for each of us encounters the Lady on the Grey at the end of our days, and there is no forgetting her. (The Graveyard Book by Neil Gaiman)

Most people are blind to magic. They move through a blank and empty world. They’re bored with their lives, and there’s nothing they can do about it. They’re eaten alive by longing, and they’re dead before they die. (The Magicians by Lev Grossman)

He lingered at the door, and said, "The Lion wants courage, the Tin Man a heart, and the Scarecrow brains. Dorothy wants to go home. What do you want?" [...]

She couldn't say forgiveness, not to Liir. She started to say "a soldier," to make fun of his mooning affections over the guys in uniform. But realizing even as she said it that he would be hurt, she caught herself halfway, and in the end what came out of her mouth surprised them both.

She said, "A soul-" (Wicked by Gregory Maguire)

Night after night we had talked until dawn in this room about language and poetry and love and the good conduct of living. Yet we were strangers. (Zami: A New Spelling of My Name by Audre Lorde)

hardcover or paperback | buy or rent | standalone novels or book series | ebook or physical copy | reading at night or during the day | reading at home or in nature | listening to music while reading or reading in silence | reading in order or reading the ending first | reliable or unreliable narrator | realism or fantasy | one or multiple POVS | judging by the covers or by the summary | rereading or reading just once

TV AND MOVIES

Fave tv/movie genre? Sci fi/fantasy and comedy

Fave movie? Lord of the Rings or Terry Pratchett's The Hogfather

Comfort movie? The Dark Crystal, The Parent Trap (1998), The Neverending Story, Legally Blonde, The Princess Diaries, The Hunchback of Notre Dame, The Last Unicorn

Movie you watch every year? Hocus Pocus, The Hogfather, Lord of the Rings (the whole trilogy), and The Muppets' A Christmas Carol

Fave tv show? Doctor Who (earlier reboot seasons specifically)

Comfort tv show? The IT Crowd

Most rewatched tv show? Doctor Who

5 fave characters? Donna Noble (Doctor Who), Chidi Anagonye (The Good Place), Maurice Moss (IT Crowd), Eliot Waugh (The Magicians [the show]), and Susan (The Hogfather)

tv shows or movie | short seasons (8-13 episodes) or full seasons (22 episodes or more) | one episode a week or bingeing | one season or multiple seasons | one part or saga | half hour or one hour long episodes | subtitles on or off | rewatching or watching just once | downloads or watches online

Tagging (no pressure!): @nr-studies @mymessystudyblr @magnusacademia and anyone else who'd like to do this!

[sugarcomatosed]

i love your stories so much!! and was wondering if you can give some writing tips perhaps? 🥺👉🏻👈🏻

Breaking this up into sections for you + putting it under a cut cause I went overboard. 😅

General Writing Tips

These work for both academic and creative writing.

Make an outline.

It doesn't have to be a formal one, but having at least a general idea of the scenes you want to include is helpful. If I know my fic is going to be a longer one (like Don't Hesitate was and my current WIP is), I break down the larger story beats i want to hit on a piece of paper or my iPad.

It's good to know what you're planning to do, in a any piece I usually have a single specific scene I want to do and depending on what it is, I might either just do the scene I want to or turn into something longer.

Draft, draft, draft.

I cannot stress the importance of going through and reviewing your work. This is a big part of any sort of writing.

Your first idea isn't always your best idea. As you work on a piece you might find your original idea is holding you back, focus shifts! Don't be afraid to let your work change as you go. It's not always easy to let go of your original idea but if you find it's not working, you have to let it change. Sections will need to be rewritten, things have to be readjusted to fit with later sections. Reread for clarity while you're drafting and look to see if this makes sense to you, or reads well to you. If you can't follow it and you wrote it, chances are your reader can't either. Did you use the same phrase again and again? Find and search it on your doc to double check.

Sometimes you have to cut things you really like because they just don't contribute to the fic anymore. Save those bits and use them somewhere else!In a lot of my longer pieces I will write a paragraph, realize that's not where it should go and cut/paste it into another part of the doc because the pacing/scene doesn't make sense where I had it originally, but it works somewhere else.

If you're stuck, skip around, come back and then stitch the bits you have written together.

Don't Focus on a Word Count

This might be controversial, but I'm of the opinion just because something is longer does not make it better. Some works are short, and that's okay! I very rarely try to aim for a specific count of words unless it's for a prompt exchange or a personal challenge. I write till I feel the piece is done. Some stories require more words, some require less.

Don't Hesitate is a great example of this again, because all I wanted to do was a bittersweet first kiss fic, but jumping write into the kiss wouldn't get the full effect I wanted. Meanwhile, with Old Habits all I wanted to do was write dumb comedic kisses, we didn't need a 2k preamble.

Get Someone You Trust to Edit

My go to editor for the past six years or so is one of my good friends. She has edited everything from college papers to my fics for me before I post them to read for clarity, find any funky phrases or misspelled words I missed, and I do the same for her when she asks! A fresh set of eyes makes a world of a difference. Find someone to trade fics with or ask a friend! They might have good suggestions you never thought of, or be able to tell what you were going for when you don't even know yourself.

I also rely on my friends a lot to brainstorm and talk my ideas out before I start because it helps me think and figure out what I need. It's super common for me to text someone and say "im gonna spitball at you, that okay?" and then spend twenty minutes chatting through my ideas.

Have Reference Material

For my 13sar fics, I regularly go back and review/screenshot videos of the dialogue to make sure I am staying consistent with story events, character nuance and small details. You don't have to go crazy, but it is really helpful to have your source material to go back to and check yourself against. In non creative writing I always had a pile of papers highlighted with my own notes on the margins.

Take Breaks/Pace Yourself

Know your own limits, and if you are working and working on something and it's not coming out leave it alone and come back to it. I'm really bad at this personally because when I get an idea in my head I want to see it through but sometimes you gotta step back! It's not healthy to keep working on things and overwork yourself. Stretch, get up go for a walk.

Write What You Want to Write

Don't focus on what people want to read. Focus on what you like. Find a topic, a scene, anything that you are passionate about and the rest will follow. The only time I write fic for other people is when I am writing for a friend. Even prompt requests I only take open ended ones, if I am not interested in writing it it's not gonna happen. I know it's super hard and I get really anxious sometimes about letting people down now, or worrying people won't like something but then I step back and remind myself this is a hobby and I'm doing it for fun.

Play to Your Strengths

You shouldn't try to write like me, you should try to write like yourself. Find what skills you have and use them to your advantage!

I can't give you a step by step list to write like me, because nobody in the world has my background! We're all unique. Everything I've listed so far I know because I'm not a beginner anymore! I'm in my twenties and have come from a strong academic writing background.

I took on an intensive course load in high school, and then went onto college for a sociology degree. I very rarely had test based finals and at the end of each semester would have five 10-15 page papers to submit. Straight up some of my skills come from having read and studied the works of anthropologist Clifford Geertz. I am not saying you should read anthropology/sociology texts. Unless you like that sort of thing lol

I also have 6+ years of theater experience (acting & directing), I use this all the time for my writing. When I think about a scene, I think about how I would work through it as an actor, how the character would move, and how would things read to an audience. The GOTE ("Goal, Obstacle, Tactics, and Expectation") method of acting by Robert Cohen is really useful hear if you want a more technical breakdown of what I mean by that.

This leads to a lot of what we called "business" in acting, doing small tiny things while you talk or move around on stage to give the sense you're a real human. I don't have to think or try on these sort of things because they're in my skill set already!

Things I do Personally

As in, these are not transferable skills this is just the stuff I do while working on projects.

Find a Vibe™️

I come into any fic with usually a goal I want to hit, a line of dialogue or something I want to capture. Just like, the general idea of a feeling a song even if the lyrics don't match up. Make a mood-board, a playlist, just find something you wanna do. It's less about the actual words on the page and what you're aiming to do.

Look to things that inspire you

Don't Hesitate got written because I wanted to write a fic that captured the same vibe as a scene in Macross Frontier, where two characters have a bittersweet kiss before the final battle and that scene still has me fucked up six years after watching it.

My current WIP is doing the same thing but with the song All I've Ever Known from Hadestown. Two characters working through loneliness, the sudden feeling of falling in love and the frustration that feeling can bring on sometime.

I don't plagiarize them word for word, but these are scenes that inspire me! I also patchwork quilt ideas together. Using Don't Hesitate again, I also ended up pulling from a bunch of shoujo anime, Toradora, Sailor Moon, Yona of the Dawn, Princess Tutu...specific scenes I enjoy to blend and create something new.

Goof Off While You Write

I name my documents stupid things, I write dumb placeholder dialogue or vague sentiments like "insert better word here", I make memes when I'm struggling and roast myself and my predictable tastes.

I spent twenty minutes texting a friend Juro's name with different letters spelt out and then the "fuck your chickenstrips" vine saying it was Juro during destruction. Just have fun with it!

Listen to J-POP On Loop for Hours at a Time

i am not kidding I do this all the time. Perfume, AKB48, anime idol osts, Sailor Moon's OPs/ED, vocaloid songs. I like technopop and Japanese is good because it usually doesn't distract my brain since I only know random phrases, but still know what the meaning og the song is.

I love music, it helps me vibe out.

Thank you so much for enjoying my work ;o;

I hope this is useful to you in some way! I'm so sorry it's so long winded but I am overly thorough and love to teach people ;w;

[junhyukiscute]

a fluffy reaction to their s/o who has braces & whenever they kiss, the members wld get either their lips or tongue knicked bc of said braces

author note: hi anon!! so you did not specify the group so i’m assuming mcnd cause i main in that uwu if it isn’t mcnd just tell me the group and i’ll write for them <333 why did i sound like an overwatch player (hEy wHo’s yOur MaIn?¿) also i totally didn’t search up experiences for kissing with braces for 3 days l o l

mcnd reaction: kissing their s/o with braces (ft. complications)

you’ve had braces for quite a while, even before you met him. once you got into a relationship, you didn’t really think that much about it until you guys had your first kiss. more complications surfaced after that but it didn’t stop them from wanting your lips on theirs.

Castle J (Son Seungjun)

the first kiss was magical. it was a simple smooch in the practice room after he finished writing lyrics to a song. just lips, nothing more.

however after a few months of dating, he wanted to try to experience some new things. during a cuddle session (he’d be little spooning bet), he kissed you and mumbled against your lips, “open your mouth,” and so you did. once you did he decided to try to french kiss- until his tongue got stuck in your braces. awkward silence happened before you guys tried to get it out. more awkward silence as you guys look at each other afterwards before you broke the silence and laughed.

cue castle j blushing furiously out of embarrassment and stomping his feet, “ahh how could this happen?!”

BIC (Nam Sungmin)

so it was your daily kdrama session with your boyfriend and you guys decided to start watching “love alarm”. you guys were so engrossed into it and you gasped after sun-oh kissed jojo (pose). “bro that’s so cute!!” you squealed. then bic got the idea of kissing you.

the first episode ended and music was playing in the background. he lightly turned your chin to face him before slowly leaning in and closing his eyes. a slow and gentle kiss was starting but once the lips started to move, bic couldnt leave your lips. literally. he opened one eye and saw a tiny bit of his lip stuck on your braces. you were so into it but stopped once the other party did too and opened your eyes. oops, lip locked! you gasped before the both of you tried to get his lip out. bic decided to speak first.

“well... that was unexpected haha... ah!! (y/n)!! the second episode is already starting!!”

Minjae (Song Minjae)

“hey, jagi,” minjae said, casually strolling into your room and plopping on your bed, “have you ever wondered what it was like to kiss?”

you dropped your highlighter on your workbook and slowly turned to him while slowly raising an eyebrow and saying, “... don’t we already?”

he laughed before wiggling his eyes. “it doesn’t hurt to try some more~ hehe.” you rolled your eyes before picking back up the highlighter to study. “(y/n)~ just one!!” minjae puckered his lips. after continuous begging, you sighed and clashed your lips onto his. out of surprised he widened his eyes before putting his hands on your waist and deepening the kiss. after a few moments his tongue got knicked by your braces and he lightly shoved you off him.

“ah, what to do? i’m injured now so i guess you’ll have to kiss me better, hehe.”

Huijun (No Huijun)

i don’t find huijun really as affectionate as castle j or minjae so i believe that kisses were usually rare but really sentimental you feel?? so he was probably walking you home after you guys had a date (your parents wanted you back before dinner) when you guys stopped at the door. the sun had set and you looked so pretty in golden hour, huijun thought, “(y/n) so pretty” before leaning towards you.

once you caught the drift, you decided to close your eyes and let the magic happen. soft, plump lips had met with your slightly open ones. the sun had gently hit you guys and huijun made a slight noise before slowly taking a step back. you furrowed your brows and saw huijun checking his lips with his finger and saw a slight bit of blood.

“o-oh my gosh!! i’m so sorry huijun i-“ you widened your eyes.

huijun wiped the small blood off before laughing, “it’s okay, but i should take my que to leave now, your parents are probably waiting. i’ll see you, yeah?” he waved you off as you walked into your home. safe to say kisses became even rarer than before after that due to huijun’s ptsd.

Win (Bang Junhyuk)

so i think win would give occasional pecks on the lips (have you seen under19) so kissing was normal after a few months of dating. like “oh (y/n), you came to visit me? mwah” or “(y/n) you look so cute today! mwah”.

you guys were at an arcade and you saw this really cute gudetama plushie so you looked at win with puppy eyes and asked if he could win you it. “only if i get a kiss as a reward,” he smirked. you laughed at that and he puffed his chest and went to the claw machine. after a few tries, he successfully got you the lazy egg and you clapped your hands as praise. he bent down to your level (or looked up at you if you’re taller) and closed his eyes. “i’m waiting,” he says.

with the giddiness of the new plushie you went forward a bit too roughly and clashed lips with him which caused him to take a few steps back but continued to kiss. after a few seconds, you stepped back and you gasped at the cut at win’s lips from your braces.

he felt the warm substance and you pulled out a napkin from your pocket to dab at his lips.

“i’m sorry about that, junhyukie. are you hurt?” you pouted.

win’s ears turned red at the concerned stare you were giving plus the super close contact before facing a different direction and mumbled, “no... your cuteness makes up for it all.”

[kimnjss]

falling for you | knj

⤑  series: falling for you

⤑ pairing: university student!namjoon x university student!reader (female)

⤑ genre: fluff, slightest bit of angst

⤑ word count: 2.5

As the sun went down, it had cooled down a significant amount. The two piece skirt set you had on earlier had been swapped with a pair of washed jeans and a random tee. Seconds before leaving the house, you had decided on grabbing Joon's sweater. The scent instantly making you smile.

The football field was less than a mile from your house, a ten minute walk. You found Joon leaned up against the goal post, the light from his phone emulating his face. Thick lips tucked into his mouth, his dimples on full display.

His hair laid messily at the top of his head as if he had been running his fingers through it constantly, he seemed to be concentrating on whatever he was staring at and before you could wonder what it was, your phone dinged in your pocket.

[joon

you're still coming, right?]

There was no way, absolutely no way you'd get use to how adorable this boy was. Was he really worried that you would stand him up? That you'd even think about doing something as stupid as leaving a great guy like him hanging?

His long fingers tapped against the side of his phone as he stared. Joon's teeth scraped against his lower lip as he waited. If you didn't know any better, you'd guess that he had feelings for you and that's why he was acting like this.

Did he have feelings for you? He would've made some sort of move by now if he did, right? That's how guys were, right? When they saw something that they liked, they took it. He saw you nearly every day and never did anything about it... so he didn't think of you more than a friend, right?

A grumbled left your lips, the rush of confusion frustrating you just like it had done a million times before. Kim Namjoon was an enigma. Although, you weren't shouting your feelings at the top of your lungs, it had to be at least a little obvious that you were interested... so why wasn't he doing anything?

Why wasn't he complimenting you... and crowding you... and trying hard like all the other guys that were interested in you. Were you wasting your time coming here? Thinking that maybe this would blossom into something more, seeing each other late at night like this.

Did you think...

“Is that you, yn?” Joon's voice pulled you from your racing thoughts. Your eyes focusing on his squinted expression. That's when you noticed he wasn't wearing his glasses. You had only seen him without them one other time and he looked just as cute without them, if not cuter.

Raising a hesitant hand, you offered a small wave in his direction. “It's me!” You called, jogging over to where he stood. Being this close to him now, you were able to see how different he looked.

The dim lights from the football field paired with the moonlight did wonders with highlighting his features. Without the large round glasses, you were able to see a lot more of his face, too.

The slight heart shape of his face. The dimples that appeared when he smiled or talked, you wanted so badly to dip your finger in their deepness.

His almond shaped eyes, housing those pretty brown eyes of his. The same eyes that you'd often times catch staring at you or that would glare from behind the thick rim of his glasses as he read.

And those full lips that you had imagined kissing more than once. Inwardly, you cursed Jungkook. If it wasn't for him not being able to handle his liquor you wouldn't have to wonder what it would feel like to have Joon's lips against yours.

“You're wearing my sweater,” He pointed out, a smile lingering on his lips. Your hands pulled at the hem of it as you nodded up at him. “I told you it was comfy. Your not wearing your glasses,”

He laughed, reaching up to push his hands through his hair. Must be a nervous habit. “You noticed.” His tongue jutted out to wet his lower lip, slowly pulling it in to nibble at. You watched the movement of his mouth closely, trying to keep yourself from drooling.

“I take them off before I go to bed... which is right around the time I texted you. I forgot to grab them on my way out,” You laughed at his forgetfulness. Awkwardness settling between you two as the laughter died down.

“...There's, uh... just around the corner, there's a pond...” Joon was always so shy around you. It both intrigued you and confused you. You wanted him to feel comfortable around you but at the same time his shyness made you wonder. What was the reason why he couldn't relax while you were around.

“Wanna go sit by it?” You were suggesting since he had left he sentence hanging in the wind like that. He laughed once again and nodded, before leading the way to the pond.

It was larger than you had expected. Sleeping ducks floating in the water, creating soft ripples. The moonlight reflecting into the navy pool. There was a bench a few feet away from the water. You sat, Joon taking space beside you.

“Did you want to talk about something? I mean... you asked me out to talk about something, right?” You prompted, hoping that this would encourage him to bring up the almost kiss.

“Uh... no? Kinda. I half just wanted to see you, you know? I like being around you.” Fingers through his hair. You smiled brightly up at him.

“I like being around you too.” Hearing him say that was exactly the courage you needed to bring up that night. If he had regretted grinding and almost kissing you than he wouldn't be saying in the same breath that he liked spending time with you, right?

Right?

“I wouldn't have minded if you kissed me. That night at the bar, before Hoseok... I wanted you to kiss me,” There. You were as honest as blunt as you could be. Now the ball was fully in his court. He just had to pick it up, toss it, kick it. Hell, he could even pop it, he just needed to do something.

Joon was taken aback by your sudden confession. Eyes wide and mouth going dry, all the moisture seemingly rushing to his palms. “You? Are you sure?” Did he really not have a clue? No way he hadn't picked up on your obvious crush? Did he really not notice?

“Yes, I'm sure. I wanted you to kiss me then. I sometimes want you to kiss me while we're studying. I want you to kiss me now.” Your heart was doing boxer kicks against your chest. Breaths coming out in heavy pants. But you couldn't stop the word vomit.

“Now?”

“Yeah,”

Joon stared at you for a long while. You couldn't read his expression and that was a thing about him. You could never read him, could never guess what he was thinking. That's why this was so hard.

You liked him so much, though. At first, it was just simple attraction. You thought he was cute and felt stupid for acting the way you did when you realized that it was him you were stuck with. But as the weeks went on and your daily sessions shifted from endless work to endless conversation, you started to fall.

How couldn't you? He was smart, funny, down to Earth. God, that boy cared about people and you never thought you'd ever find that as alluring as you did when you noticed it about Joon. He also had a way with words.

You could listen to that boy talk for hours on end. About anything. If he was explaining a certain theory or going on about the meaning behind the lyrics he liked to scribble in the corner of his text books. He was so passionate, about everything.

That's why you were so nervous right now. This boy was everything, everything that you could dream up and he was sitting right next to you. Looking at you with that seemingly bored expression, leaning in close and you couldn't breathe.

You couldn't breathe because you knew what was coming next. What this would lead to, the way everything would change after this. This... this was going to be big. Yet, you didn't move. Didn't bother to stop him as he brushed his lips over yours, even nodded when his gaze shifted up to your eyes to check if you were still into this. He was always so cautious, always checking, always making sure. You liked that.

Every last bit of awkwardness melted away when his lips covered yours fully. A strong hand rested at the side of your neck, holding your head steady as he kissed you. His lips felt better than you had imagined, thick but so soft, wrapping around yours with such delicacy, as if you'd break.

You kissed him sweetly, your fingers curling in his messy hair. It felt soft between your fingers. No wonder he was always jostling it around. Joon was pushing his tongue into your mouth, at the same time dropping his hand down onto your hip and pulling your body into his.

Fuck, this boy could kiss.

He navigated through your mouth skillfully, his long fingers drawing invisible patterns against your skin. It tickled and you had to do your best to suppress the giggle fighting it's way to your lips.

When his hand reached the small of your back, his fingers continuing their tracing you couldn't help the giggle that slipped past your lips. Joon was pulling away, a dazed smile on his face, dimples and all.

“That tickles.” He leaned down to kiss your smiling lips, his hand sliding before behind you. He was quick to wrapping your fingers together, leaning back to look up at the night sky. A sigh of contentment coming from him.

“I can't believe that just happened...” It seemed as if his words weren't meant for you to hear, but he was speaking out loud, so...

“What? Kissing me?”

Joon nodded, his eyes never dropping to meet yours. “Yeah. You probably know this, but... I've had a crush on you since, I don't even know how long. And being paired up with you, I thought would only make things worse because there's no way you'd like me, but... I guess I was wrong.”

He paused for a moment, dropping his head to meet your gaze. “I was wrong, right?” You laughed. After kissing you the way he had and now holding your hand he was still unsure? Only Joon would overthink this much.

Your arms wrapped around his arm, palms resting on his shoulder. “You were very wrong,” You planted a small kiss to his cheekbone. “I like you. Probably more than you like me,”

He shook his head. “Impossible. My affection had years to resonate. You're a newbie.” Joon flashed you a sideways grin that you couldn't help but giggle at. You leaned up to kiss him, loving the way his lips puckered moments before making contact with yours.

“I like your lips.” The words left your mouth, as soon as he pulled back from it.

“Yeah?” You hummed your response, “I like yours too,” He placed a chaste kiss over your lips. “And your cheeks,” Two soft kisses on either side of your face. His fingers tilted your head back, exposing the length of your neck.

His list was short there as he dropped his head into the crook of your neck, his pillow-y lips, gently caressing your skin before he was leaving a trail of wet kisses down toward your collarbones.

Joon palmed at your waist, pulling your body tight against his as he explored your neck. Your fingers easily twisting around his strands of his hair, using your grip to hold his head steady against your skin.

You could feel the wetness of his tongue, the suction of his lips, the gentle scrap of his teeth. An obvious hickey forming just inches above your collarbone. What had gotten into him?

His mouth felt so good against your warm skin. It was like you couldn't think straight, just sit there and moan as he marked you. All too soon he was pulling back, staring up at you with his dark hooded eyes. He grinned before leaning down to press his lips against yours again, the tips of his fingers reaching up to brush against your wet skin.

“I gave you a hickey,” He chuckled, the pad of his thumb brushing against it. You couldn't help the laugh that left your lips as you nodded your head. “I felt that,” As you spoke, you lifted your body to straddle his lap.

Your arms wrapping around his waist and your chin resting on his shoulder. Tilting your head up, you examined the night sky above you. It seemed as though there were more stars out than normal. The moon looked a lot larger too.

“The sky looks so pretty,” You pointed out. The shift of his body moved you a bit, Joon was soon leaning back on his hands as he stared at the sky.

“This is what the sky looked like when we had our first kiss,” His words were the cause to the growing smile on your lips. A comfortable smile fell over you. He held you close as the sky moved silently.

Being in Joon's arms felt comfortable, safe, familiar. You could definitely get use to that. Quickly, you were becoming keen to the feeling of his strong arms around your body and the heat of his chest against yours.

All you could feel was him. Literally, surrounding you and you didn't want to have it any other way. It didn't register how long the two of you were sitting out there, until you found yourself dozing off.

Not more than an hour had passed, right? Pulling back, Joon's attention was still on the night sky. Brows furrowed, as if he was thinking hard about something. Reaching your hands up, you grasped his cheeks, turning his head down to yours.

“What you thinking about?”

He grinned. “When did you start liking me?”

“Hm. I always thought you were cute, even before we met. I think I started liking you a little bit more each day that we were together. You know how smart you are, Joon? You're like a genius. And I liked hearing you talk and explain things. Then you'd talk to me about your passions and the things that you liked. I love he way your face lights up when you go on a tangent. Plus you care so much. You're a great guy. So of course I had to start liking you,”

Joon's laugh woke up the butterflies in your belly. “I still can't believe it,”

You rolled your eyes at him, leaning up so your face was level with his. You leaned forward to place your mouth over his. You kissed him sweetly, pulling back to press a few pecks to his lips.

“Well you better believe it, buddy. There's no getting rid of me.”

— by chance you are paired up with, kim namjoon. he’s everything a dream guy should be: smart, funny, handsome. it doesn’t take long for feelings to develop, and that’s when things take an unexpected turn.

prev masterlist next

⤑ taglist: @bookoffracturedescapes​ @biaisezabini​ @sunrisemcp​ @imajiningseokjin

[tammyhybrid21]

Sara Deserves Better

It's six in the morning, and I am mad!

Mad because of a small thing admittedly, but you want a sum up?

I'm mad because I hyped myself up to write a MSA/Tadeo Jones crossover oneshot that would basically be Vivi being excited to meet an actual living Mummy, with other things, but the majority... and then started thinking beyond that small scope of fun and just-- got frustrated.

Because here's the thing... I made a post about Vivi and her glasses, and then started thinking about the crew in Tadeo Jones and--

Like here's the deal, my brain... just... completely forgot Sara has glasses. I remembered Tiffany's glasses. I remembered the PHOTO with glasses-- but the first ten minutes of Sara's screen time being spent with her in glasses? NAH--

Sooo that's not actually what this post is about. Just a small annoyance with myself. So what is this post about-- well the obvious is look at the title, Sara Deserves Better.

Also, not just shipping wise... but mainly shipping wise, because GOD DAMN IT. Let Sara break free of the Love Interest box PLEASE. Because for crying out loud, it's been two movies and this is one of the most painful flaws I can see. Also-- just as an aside, I really, really want to like Sara but right now... she's stuck in that box so much she's honestly kind of... bland and boring to watch.

Also just--

In general. I want to say something that's just, my BIG gripe and the reason I come bearing this rant but...

Vivi.

VIVI is why I'm making this RANT!

And you want to know why? It's because in the approximately 16 odd minutes of the Mystery Skulls Animated vidoes we get-- SO MUCH information about who she is and what she stands for as a character. WE HAVE SO MUCH TO WORK WITH. Hell even in the brief flashback sequence, there's a lot to analyse and unpack-- she's not just reduced to-- Lewis' former girlfriend despite how easily that could have been the case. Which-- I mean, I have... a number of rants for Vivi in the works... beyond just my MBTI analysis that's already up...

BUT conversely... and maddeningly-- I can't say the same for Sara. Between the two movies if there is one character who feels kind of... empty aside overtures, or rather underdeveloped... it's Sara.

Which is a crying shame. But there's two movies of content and I still only have the vaguest idea of WHO she really is as a person. Oh I know who she is. But... I don't really know Who she is.

Like, seriously... the closest we get to some glimpses is this opening of movie 2, some scenes in movie one, and her moment with Mummy.

Which... I have other things to talk about regarding this... a more proper analysis regarding her verses Tadeo on these events... BUT THAT'S ANOTHER ANALYSIS.

Also what moments from Movie 1?

How's about priorities?

"But first tell me if ANYTHING you told me was true!"

ALSO, I have some things to say about Tadeo's response to this... but that's ALSO deserving of it's whole own analysis and it really wouldn't be fair... And aside this... well again... moments.

Which... I still don't actually have much, but these are sort of... the moments with the most character from Sara. OH, aside from when she's with Tiffany, and arguably-- when alone and kidnapped with Rackham... which, huh-- That would bring me to another point honestly... but this isn't actually my "Making your Villain Memorable" rant. ALTHOUGH-- The Rackham stuff and Tiffany will need to be addressed.

I want to talk about the moments I currently have first. Which aren't... precisely in order, but I think they're in order of the impact for me.

Which first moment is when Tad's sacrificing his father's cufflink, his greatest treasure. Giving it to Mummy, and again-- I have many words... but what's telling is Sara's reaction and how that kind of ties into the significance there. Because overall it just says-- well, it says how deeply she's affected seeing it as well-- Which isn't something you see much in these movies unfortunately.

The next moment I would like to call the "I sense bullshit radar". Considering how she finds Tad's story initially a bit flawed, also laying out the law, starting to plan. Sara has a head on her shoulders and is NO FOOL.

UNTIL SHE IS.

And I think only HALF of this final highlight moment can be blamed on the situation because heyyyy--

Let's circle around to the Rackham stuff. And... other movie 2 stuff.

Which, I know this miiiight be arbitrary or not really something that can be linked. BUT there's a difference in how she handles these moments... And hell, I would also add the opening to movie 2-- but Sara has... levelled her head A LOT more when it comes to handling potentially life threatening danger between movies. In what information she grabs(opening) and then in the above scene, what she actually lets the villain learn.

Which also, anyone else get a short circuit feeling from that?

And hell, even as much as I have issues with the whole sequence of events and a SPOILER filled rant about it...

Even here, again. Pretty chill, pretty level. At best/worst it's really stunned silence. But this scene has a number of issues and I have a rant that will go up after a fic(if I can just keep myself long enough to WRITE that fic...). And just... well--

Then the last thing is-- well Tiffany.

Also... just generally on this second screencap here, I like to just-- talk about the moment before as well-- since there's something just... Really wild in what leads to it.

Like... why does she look SO CONFUSED?! Like-- I don't know if I'm the only one who sees this, but when Rackham first shows up... she looks so confused, like how could he get there so quickly?! And then Tiffany steps out and there's that shocked expression and it gives off this sense that just-- When Tiffany stormed off Sara knew but she didn't know. Like you ever have those moments-- where you know someone's going to make a bad decisions... and yet-- you're still SHOCKED by how bad a decision they make?

Yeah, that's Sara here... and she's... been trying with Tiffany.

But still... yeah.

And what does all this ultimately add up to?

Sara still being too broad in the long of it.

BECAUSE IT TOOK ME A GOOD HOUR, OR TWO, Of ranting and discussing this with some friends for me to dig out these moments and I STILL don't have a solid, solid character for Sara. And do you know why?

Because of the one FATAL FLAW...

Forced

Romance

...And when I say forced romance, I really, really mean it. Do you know what one of my BIGGEST COMPLAINTS of movie 2 is. It's that when Sara gets mad, or feels like she should be mad, it's not allowed to hold. It's just glossed over. And then of course, complaint two is the other obvious thing. Sara feels... as if she's just there to dispense the plot and then to be kidnapped.

She spends the first two and a half quarters of the movie kidnapped, and even after only gets the barest amount of screen time. Hell she had MORE to do in movie 1, and that's probably because the plot was broader and gave them all time to shine with action, even if she still felt-- hard.

Like seriously, does-- any of these moments stand out on their own? Without a number of rewatches and forcing my focus to actually be on Sara to analyse... not really. It all blends and blurs because of one big thing that EATS up her character and forces it into that kind of bland box.

She's forced and pushed to fit the lens of the love interest. With Tad's chasing-- and how that impacts the story.

And I'd also like to complain about ANOTHER thing in this similar vein but...

In movie one there's a sequence I... haven't really brought up in this rant, along with in general how Sara is there-- because here's the thing. Aside the glimpses... she... really feels like a PROP a lot of the time. In both movies. But-- in movie 1 there are a few moments specific.

And the first is actually the train moment with Kopponen. Sara was definitely NOT going to hand the tablet over...

But of course, Tad had to SCREW UP trying to be a hero... and for the rest of the sequence it feels a lot like Sara's only purpose is to more or less be grabbed and damselled again... And even later on, it feels like Wasted Potential--

Like, she's used to motivate other characters--

Which okay... I'm not going to say that Vivi is excused from, since that's who I'm comparing her with... BUT there's a DRASTIC difference of character agency in HOW and why they are used as motivation between them.

Might not on the surface seem like much of a difference--

Especially in the immediate context that's offered here with how Lewis is using the picture in his locket and the implied additional angle to his attempted revenge against Arthur-- which, mind you-- there's a HELL of a lot more going on there... BUT-- When it comes to the ACTION... not just that moment up higher... but when there's actual ACTIVE danger...

Come Hellbent... And Shiromori...

Meanwhile with Sara the best we have across both movies... is moments. She handles herself in the opening of the sequel and-- well we actually have the climbing sequence to the final temple... which... I have-- words about as well, but the big ones right now is actually in the choice of lyrics playing over what--

But...

Sara actually only gets the "Now I'm Invincible" stuff-- or the Majority of it. There might be the more romance stuff, but for the most part-- she's pretty much being defined as "Invincible on her own" which also... yeah. It's true. The strongest moments for Sara are those moments when she's on her own, and away from the Tadeo drama... or even when she was used to motivate her Dad's actions in the first movie.

Which... actually makes me circle back to something that just... doesn't fit.

"It's been the most amazing adventure. All these days with you. I wouldn't trade that for the world. I... I love..."

WHICH LOOK

Isn't Sara supposed to be the expert on the whole of what this movie is about? King Midas' Collar and Golden Touch, this was her long term project. So why is it that in this scene she's forgotten all that she's supposedly studied and why they're even here? Like does anyone else get death confession vibes from this, which... considering Sara should know this is supposed to be reversible?!

Because forced romance plot.

I mean, I have more to say, but honestly... at this point I'm running out of ways to properly articulate my points. But in the end... what can I say about Sara now that I'm at the end of my rant? You know, beyond FREE HER FROM THE ROMANCE PLOT....

Well, actually a lot more than I expected or thought at the start... And that's because now I've been through and watched with focus on her. Although some of it still had to be informed and given to me.

Which yeah--

Sara is an expert in her own field, supposedly anyway. Which, let's be fair, that's not her fault, that's plot mandated information failures.

She's Peruvian, which, I think is established in the first movie, that's her home. And where she's grown up, but it's really not made clear in either movie. Or at the least, not as clear as it should be. PLEASE GIVE HER MORE PERUVIAN PRIDE I SWEAR--

She is clearly much, much more impressed by Tadeo when he's being humble and honest. Like just damn. Those are the traits she respects and what's to see.

Sara actually respects and listens to other people, she's patient with them and hears out what they have to say. And this... isn't just with Mummy in that scene, but also she's patient with Tiffany and-- I do have more to say on that... but again, another post.

She is definitely in this for knowledge and awareness than necessarily results. She's not chasing fame.

Honestly, she shines so, so much better when there's NO ROMANCE, and really is a strong women on her own. Doesn't need anyone.

Has chased after her father's recognition, in the same field, to having the same issue of leaving behind those she cares for... Time is limited you know.

Which yeah... okay. Sara, definitely deserves better!

[parkeraul]

request : maybe something where shawn’s girl gets all awkward every time she hears a song because she knows it’s about someone else, and he ends up realizing

the sweetest hello, the saddest goodbye   ︴oneshot

a/n: this turned to be very angsty for a reason that i don’t know lol. it’s over-the-top dramatic for me but i hope you like it, i wrote it with my entire heart. shawn x readerwarnings: angst. words: 2,753.

Another show is off and her heart floats between proud and pain. The crowded stadium screams in excitement and the lights are beautifully decorating the big rose in the middle of it, making her feel so guilty about feeding such uncertain thoughts; harmful thoughts. She’s standing at the side-stage, her brain screaming the lyrics of his song over and over again. Not even his breathtaking high-note could speak louder than her agony and she hates to find herself doubting her own instincts, wondering if she should spill the tea in one fluid vent or let it torture her heavy chest until she can learn how to deal it the possibility that he might be still stuck on someone else.

Shawn’s mind is always somewhere away from reality when he leaves the stage to head towards his dressing room, running throughout the backstage like a little toddler. His energy sparkles everywhere, bringing everyone with him. And she wishes more than anything else that she could feel comfortable to be a part of it. But as she notices that he’s not even close to give her some attention yet, she feels her head aching, constantly looking for answers through the memories passing in front of her eyes like the worst movie she’s ever seen. She just wants it to stop. 

Crossing the green room, she trails her way to the closest bathroom when she sees that no one’s watching her body leave the room – she doesn’t want to be bothered or questioned, she just needs a time with herself. As soon as she enters the cold space, the door is immediately shut close by her foot, bringing her back to lean against it and her hands to cover her face. She takes a deep breath. Two. Three. And it only seems to intensify the throbbing feeling on the knot that’s forming in her throat, insisting on holding not only her cry but also her words inside herself for what seems like an eternity. She goes to the sink to splash some water on her face and wrists as her eyes get lost focusing on a random spot of the mirror. Never blinking, they start to get dry and her brain doesn’t even remember to send the information for her eyelids to take a break and close – instead, it brings her one of the moments that incentivated her heart to sink down in doubts.

“Shawn, Shawn, Shawn… Your album is just a bop!” The narrator compliments, rubbing his palms and giving him a devilish smile that Shawn couldn’t seem to understand the intentions behind it yet. “Thank you, man!” Shawn caresses his chin with the side of his index finger, bringing is middle finger to softly pinch at the skin. “I’m glad you liked it.” “I loved it!” He replies, cutting Shawn off right at the end of his ‘liked it’. “And we’ve seen that you’re getting pretty excited with a very specific song on stage recently.” Shawn’s eyes are widening gradually and he swallows thickly, frowning after a moment and trying to predict whatever he was talking about so he could answer properly with no mistakes. “That one where you’re hitting insane high notes and dancing, driving those girls crazy!” Another narrator kicks in and he looks at her instantly, smiling and relieved. For a moment he thought he had messed up something by cursing on stage or whatever. “And since your lyrics have been showing themselves in kind of an explicit way…” “More personal too,” The second narrator highlights. “I need to ask: what inspires you to rock this song so passionately?” Shawn finishes taking a sip of water that he started drinking while the question was being asked and takes a breath before moving closer to the microphone in front of him. “I guess that… It’s easier to pass the feeling to the crowd when I remember about the situation while singing, you know?” Shawn begins. “Oh, so is it about a real experience? Is it about a person you’ve been with?” Damn it. “Yes…” Shawn answers and he realizes that there’s no turning back, he knows he’s a terrible liar and his voice would fail, making him stutter and sound squeaky. “I wrote it based on a experience of mine and this song means a lot to me because I feel like I was able to write from the bottom of my heart with sincerity,” She was standing on a sofa at the corner of the studio beside Andrew, who had his face silently warning Shawn that he was being such a big mouth. She had her expression standing flat, processing and trying to remember if they have ever lived that moment before. And all that she could get was a blank. They’ve never lived something like this. His cheeks flushed and eyes wide open. But he didn’t mind, he never noticed it before until he said it. “C’mon, Mendes! You were very intimate during this moment apparently, so it’s more than just heart…” The narrator says between giggles, looking for more reveals. “It sounds like she really got the best of you. She really had you, eh?” Another narrator speaks and he feels surrounded by danger, managing to nod in affirmation and laugh with them, wishing that they’d change subjects very soon. In a matter of seconds, the moment was over and he forgot about it. She, on the other hand, didn’t.

She finally finds some courage to leave the bathroom to find everyone hanging out on the couch, chatting and laughing at each others. Her ears are getting random phrases like “That was awesome!”; “I’m not even a fan and I felt like passing out after that thing!”; “You drove them insane, dude!”“There you are! I’ve been looking for you. Where were you?” Shawn screams and jumps to rush his steps towards her body looking fragile and tired. “Bathroom.” Giving him a forced smile, she gives into his hold for a second and keeping her arms between her and his chest, not buying the whole embrace thing. She couldn’t even try to fake one. “Are you okay, hun?” His glance on her seems pretty worried, breaking the contact to hold her tightly by the waist like she’d fall down at anytime. “I…” Her hand runs through her hair, tugging at the strands and dropping her arm down, sighing. “I don’t feel like having dinner with everyone today. Just gonna grab my things and head back to the hotel.” “I’m coming with you then, I just need to-” “No,” She interrupts, shaking her head in denial. “Go have fun with them, this is-” “I said I’m coming with you,” He interrupts back and makes sure to look her deep in the eyes when saying that. “Dinner can wait, we have lots of dinners ahead of us.” She just gives up and mumbles an ‘okay’ before they’re all packing the few things to go. 

And the ride home is silent. Awkwardly quiet. Both shaking their legs in anticipation and his greenish eyes are attentive, ready to notice any sign that she’s not feeling good to stay inside the car until they arrive. 

They step into the room and the atmosphere is already unpleasant. “What’s going on, darlin’? Shawn approaches her and she walks back, avoiding his touch because she knows that if she gives into it, she might not feel confident enough to speak her heart out. “Can… Can we talk?” “About…?” “About us.” He gulps. “Sure. G-Go on, I’m all ears.” He sits on the edge of the mattress, reaching for her soft hands with his and she even lets him hold them for a while just to squeeze them strongly before pushing her fingers back to cross her arms in front of her chest. She could feel the tips of her limbs freezing in nervousness, heart beating so fast that she was afraid it’d explode at anytime. Breathe – she thinks to herself – you have to say it; this is the moment to do it. “I know that we… well, we’re doing this for a few months and we don’t even know how to call it exactly,” She chuckles in nervousness, walking around a small space delimited by her imagination, sticking to it ‘cause otherwise she’d probably walk the entire city. “But I know that I want it to keep going, I know I want to discover more and find out how this is going to be,” Shawn smiles and he feels his chest warming inside, because he feels the same. Studying every motion of hers, he feels hungry to know what else she has to say. “The only thing I don’t know is if I can do this.”His smile fades away. “What d-do you-” “Shawn, baby,” What a torture to be called baby right before listening to something that was about to break him into a million pieces. “I’ve been around you long enough to notice every little detail of yours… You know how I observe things so cautiously,” She stands in front of him and he tilts his head up, meeting her sad look with glistening eyes, forcing herself a smile that doesn’t suit her at this moment. “And clearly we’re not at the same place.” He frowns and pouts, trying to find any word to say to make her change her mind. He could get on his knees right now and beg for her not to finish her speech and, just when he thinks about it – looking for the space available for him to consider doing this – he sees her bag standing at the corner of the room against the wall, obivously filled with her stuff. 

He doesn’t understand. 

They’d met suddenly, and it was a beautiful way to give fate a meaning. He felt lost and she felt empty, the perfect recipe for a hurried relationship. They’ve been drowning into each other intensely, going at it like they wouldn’t find love ever again. She knew what to do and he always knew what to say, they were enough. Weren’t they? How wouldn’t they be enough? They craved everything about the other. The passion, the touch, the sex, the kiss, the happy and serious times. She turned to be one of the most special people he’d ever met and he’s sure he would even die for her if needed. He always made sure to hold her like she was made of glass and tell her silly jokes to earn a laugh, a smile, anything. He loved to cuddle with her in the middle of the night when she couldn’t forget the horror movie they’ve just seen and scare her in the morning, because he knew she would ask for a hug and a kiss to calm herself. They both planned in silence the perfect way to introduce the other to their parents. He wanted it to happen in a lunch with all his family, she wanted it to happen during a lazy weekend with time enough for everyone to gather around in the living room. There’s a deep connection between the two of them that makes everything harder to let go of. How wouldn’t they be enough? They weren’t enough for the simple reason that he mirrored in her all the things he hadn’t time to do with his past lover. And it shows. 

“I know it sounds childish and foolish but… I see how you wish you could turn back time, you know?” She knees in front of him and he immediately leans down to stay at the same level that she is. “I see how you write about her, I see how you find yourself looking through her recent news, I see how you sing about her,” Her tone fails at the word because she wishes it was her. She wants to be the thought on his mind just like he is on hers. “The way you sing this part; the excitement… I wonder if this is about the song itself or if this is still about her.” The bad thing is that he knows what part she means, just because it’s the part he wants to tell the world the most and he can’t deny. He wants to give it another meaning, though. “See? I don’t even need to ask because you tell everything, no need to express it with words.” And Shawn tries to vanish away any sign that he’s confirming this. He doesn’t want to. He wants to feel his heart beating for her only, no one else involved. His sight goes blurry due to the tears taking over his eyes, he feels so desperate. It’s not supposed to be like this. He loves her, he surely does. But deep inside he knows that there’s something keeping him in the past, not letting him move on that easily. She stands up to catch her bag, dragging it with her back to where he was standing – looking all around the hotel room as if the objects would give him the solution he was searching for. When Shawn hears the tiny wheels of her bag rolling across the floor, he promptly stands on his feet and grabs her body with hunger. He can feel his blood boiling through his veins and burning the expansion of them rapidly. There’s no sanity right now, there’s no calmness. “Baby, please,” He says through gritted teeth, breathing quickly and shaking slightly. “I’m gonna make it right. Just give me one chance and I swear to you,” The tears are rolling down his cheeks one right after the other, soaking his rosy skin. He starts sobbing and his eyes are squinting, face contorting and he gives up. His head tilts down on the crook of her neck and he presses her body against his with all his strength. She couldn’t go, he wouldn’t let her go. “I don’t want this to end,” He whispers more to himself than to her and she just shuts her eyes close like they’d be able to stop the tears streaming down her face. “You don’t deserve a guy like me but I promise you that I’ll give you everything you need, I promise you, baby,” Shawn gets back to face her and his hands are now holding her head with his palm and fingers covering everything they can. She keeps her eyes closed, feeling the calloused tips of his fingers sinking further into her hair. And then he kisses her with his entire body and soul. His lips are pecking hers desperately and she places her hands on his chest, his lungs making it pulsate fast, but with some difficulty. His tongue shyly slides into her mouth and he feels alleviated when she lets him do it, reciprocating and tasting him for what she fears that it’d be the last time. 

Unfortunately, it had to be. 

The kiss echoes smack sounds throughout the room, the most delicious sensation and noises that only she can provide him. He can’t miss it, he can’t go on without it. And he feels out of place when she lets go of the kiss. 

“I’m so sorry, babe,” She pecks his plump red lips once more and moves her hand back to her bag. “But… I can’t. Not like this.” She backs off but he reaches her again, grabbing her gently by the wrist. “I’m not letting you go.” He nods rapidly in denial, his nerves trembling inside of his body. She gives in and places her hands on his cheeks, looking him in the eyes. “We have the fate by our side, remember?” She says and he nods once again, holding her wrists lightly, rubbing the back of her hand with his thumbs. “If it’s supposed to happen, we’ll find a way.” He rolls his eyes, denying the fact that they do need a time to think things over. He wants it and he wants it now. “You gotta let me go, sweetheart. Don’t make it harder than it already is. Nothing that you say to me right now is going to change my mind… Sorry.” 

She walks away and he stays frozen at his spot, looking at her trailing her way to the door with anger, because he knows he’s wrong. He promised, he swore and he’d give her the entire world from the moment she said her sweetest hello to him when they first saw each other. But that wasn’t enough.  

The door closes and he can’t feel anything else but guilt consuming him and his fist punishing the wall impulsively.

[girlsbtrs]

Lia Menaker on her music, inspirations, and teaming up with Melanated Social Work

Written and edited by James N. Grey. Graphic by Moira Ashley. 

Lia Menaker wants to support Black lives, specifically within the mental health sphere. So she donated the proceeds from her album, I am Kyrøs, toward ending the stigma around mental health in those communities. Girls Behind the Rock Show connected with her to get her perspective on her music, her identification with the cause, and how she feels it all ties together.

How did you find Melanated Social Work and how did you identify with their cause? 

I actually know one of the founders personally, Marvin Toliver, so I’ve been following their social media and learning about the organization from him. We are talking a lot about police reform and the justice system now, which is great and important. But we often forget about the health component. And these guys, in their focus on the liberation of Black and Brown people, are working to end the stigma around mental health in Black and Brown communities, and working to make sure mental health professionals are truly culturally competent. I realized that they were the best place to dedicate my resources and time to.

What inspired you to donate your Bandcamp proceeds to them?

George Floyd was killed just weeks before my EP was set to release. And when the riots started, and the country started waking up to the level of police brutality threatening people of color, and the injustice of our institutions, it felt very strange to release the EP. The intersection of everything—COVID-19, the racial disparities and economic inequalities thus heightened, and the slew of unjust murders of POC—all became this giant traumatic thing our country was experiencing. I felt Black voices should be heightened, and in many ways, felt that it wasn't the right time to share the music. But on the other side of things, I also knew the world needed as much art as possible, of all kinds. Since the songs dealt with identity and the self, they could relate to what was going on in many ways. 

I decided the best thing to do would be to release the music as planned, and in between the sharing and promoting of the album, to highlight as many Black voices and resources and information as possible. I wanted this to incorporate a donation and some awareness of solid Black-run organizations. 

How has being Kyrøs allowed you to be more creative and free? 

The word “kairos” is an ancient Greek concept referring to that perfect melding of space and time when it’s the opportune moment to act. It was a way of measuring time in moments (versus “kronos,” which was their concept for chronological time). When I came across the word, it felt like it described my change as an artist to a T. And once I took on the name, all that history that comes with one’s name—the feelings, memories, habits and obstacles that came with 30+ years of being “Lia Menaker”— dissolved. I think I subconsciously felt the freedom to try new things. 

I started producing, and getting super creative on my live streams. I was improv-ing with no idea what I was doing, but it didn’t matter. I just kept doing it and didn’t feel the same self-judgment I’d had before. Approaching music with a sort of reckless abandon allowed me to be the best and boldest version of myself.

But what’s interesting is even the things that free you can start to take control of you. That high you get from being in such an open, creative space…you can only ride that wavelength for so long. At some point, you get stuck again, and you find yourself chasing that high. It can become an addiction, you know? 

In a way, I ended up clinging to that identity of who I was when I was kyrøs, and I didn’t realize it until I was literally releasing the songs. It’s a big reason why it became the album name instead of my new artist name. I realized it was really more of an alter ego all along. That it didn’t replace Lia Menaker as an artist. So it turns out I was still learning lessons on identity as I was releasing the songs!

How did your childhood in theater and pop music inspire you?

While kids watched shows like Sesame Street and Barney, I was watching Annie, The Sound of Music, [and] Peter Pan… I was always drawn to it and felt like I could see myself in the characters. I begged my mom to do a musical at age 6 (Oliver), and then I was hooked doing musicals the rest of my childhood and most of my young adult life. So I think it felt like a language I understood, a form of expression I connected to on another level. There was always a story to the songs, an arc, [and] often, deep emotion and expressive vocals. I think the way I approach music—my soulfulness and the way I connect to it—comes from years of growing up with that. Also, I think a lot of my phrasing and how I articulate words comes from the musical theatre influence.

I think it was later in life that pop music began to really inspire me. Discovering Joni Mitchell was a huge one. Her incredible use of lyrics (in my opinion, she’s one of the lyrical greats and extremely underrated), and her 100% unabashed authenticity and womanliness was captivating. Her music is poetic, moody, unique—filled with so much complex emotion and story. Lyrically, I think my first album (Animal Behavior, in 2015) shows some of her influence on me. Especially the opening track, “Holding My Space.” 

But pop aside, some of the great jazz vocalists were a big influence on me as well. It started with Ella Fitzgerald and Billie Holiday. It was an easy segue because they sang a lot of Gershwin and musical theatre covers, but then I delved deeper into their work, and eventually found (and fell in love with) Nina Simone too. The raw, warm, raspy, bold voice filled with more soul and both joy and pain than I could imagine. And I always found that type of music so beautiful as a kid. I just found that part of people to be equally as beautiful as the lighter side, and found expressing pain through art to be the most incredible thing. So when I heard music that captured that, I think I was always intrigued. 

What storylines in your 30's did you find that you were shucking off?

I had this limited view of myself my whole life as a singer/performer. Since I was 6 years old, that was my life: community theatre as a kid, studying musical theatre at Penn State, tours and regional theatre, then songwriting, music and singing in every fashion. It was the way I saw my value to the world, and I basically lived for my dreams and goals—this is how I saw whether or not I was successful. And the thought of not reaching them consumed me… 

I always felt I wasn’t measuring up to whom I could be. This was a huge storyline I had to face: this idea of not being enough right now. And then it got me thinking about all this living in the ego… and “if I’m not my dreams, my goals, or even my job, what am I?” This inspired the song “Some Kind” because I realized if I wasn’t those things I most identified with, I was still me. A lot of the lyrics to that song express the storylines I grappled with, and also how I made sense of them: “We measure all that’s left with time - a calculated art. The things we do that give us pride, we hold up high as if it’s all that we are / All the stories give us meaning - keep us moving on… make it real. Run our choices, our bodies - keep us fused to what we feel.” 

I would look back periodically at my life and think things like “What have I even done? My tour wasn’t successful enough, not enough people are listening to my music, I don’t make the money I should be making at this age, I’ll never amount to anything.” [I used] whatever metrics I thought would show me proof of a valuable life. I still struggle with them sometimes. Realizing the storylines is just the start. You have to keep checking yourself [and make sure] that you’re not caught up in them again. They were ingrained in my head for years, so it takes time to rewire the brain. 

Ultimately, in my 30s, I’m finding so much more joy in the process and the creation itself, and trying to practice looking at what I have in my life as “enough.” The older I get, the more I see life passing quicker, and the more I just want to take it all in. To bask in love and music and the feeling of living with versus without. The 30s are a great time, because I think it’s the decade where a lot of us start to realize these things. Though, of course, some of us go our entire lives without feeling like we are, or we have enough. And new storylines will always be created, so we have to just keep checking ourselves. Especially when we’re all so obsessed with social media. Social media is literally a collection of storylines.

What inspired you to meld together eclectic sounds? Why a soulful, jazzy voice with a minimalistic background?

I’ve always loved warm, jazz vocals. As I mentioned earlier, I grew up engrossed in musical theatre, and that included a lot of standards by singers like Nina Simone, Billie Holiday, Ella Fitzgerald. About four years ago, I also re-fell in love with Amy Winehouse and started really listening to her vocals and her style, pinpointing what it was that I loved so much. There’s a mix of this warmth and authenticity, but with a modern edge that just hits you in all the right places. So that’s what’s inspired my sound vocally.

But at the same time, I’m a big fan of using unconventional sounds and challenging people’s ears. A lot of what I’ve listened to over the past few years has strong electronic elements. SOHN is one I’m really drawn to, and he’s brilliant at the mix of pure/simple and unconventional. He has this way of putting a simple, soaring, haunting vocal over a backdrop of complex, evolving electronic elements. It’s a sound that you can’t produce with conventional instruments. When I first heard him, it blew my mind—it was like a spiritual experience, and I thought “I want to do THAT!” Susanne Sundfor’s Silicone Veil album was a big game changer for me too. 

I loved the idea of marrying the two worlds—this classic, timeless feel with an electronic modern sound that reflects the times—to create something authentic to me and my influences. With so much of our world being digital now, it felt right to experiment with electronic elements. And when I started playing around with new software, and some samples, beats, and different gear, it just all slowly started to meld together into a sound that felt right.

What were some favorite ways that you experimented with sounds and techniques to achieve your sound? Anything that you might take over with you into the future?

A lot of the experimentation happened (and continues to happen) during my weekly live streams on Twitch (@liamenaker). It’s sort of the place where I have permission to work through songs, try stuff out, and honestly just have a lot of fun and engage with others during the creation process. The community there is also so incredibly supportive and open. The last song I wrote for the album, “Imprinted,” started out as some improv loops and just fooling around on my Twitch live stream: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3xWjEAYAa7w. And I have at least four others waiting in the queue to finish that also began the same way. One of which I sent over to a jazz funk band in Paris to collaborate with me on. So I’ll definitely keep this as part of my approach. 

Aside from that, my process is always changing, to be honest. So I’m trying to remain open to new techniques and approaches, and to keep allowing myself to be inspired by other artists and sounds. I’d like to explore more synth sounds and recording techniques, and just keep improving as an artist and producer as well. One thing I’ve noticed, too, is if I zero in too much on one writing approach or technique, I start to cling to it, relying on that as the way I “should” write everything. And then things just start to feel stale for me, or I run out of juice or hit a writer’s block. Then I find a new technique or gear or collaboration. I guess that’s why my approach keeps changing. We’ll see how long the current one sticks for, ha!

Which track on the EP is your favorite and why?

I think it keeps changing. But at the moment, the opening track "All My Life" is my favorite. I’m really connecting to the meditative and tribal nature of it, and I think the chorus is the catchiest of the songs. It has that "nobody's gonna bring me down!" feeling too, which feels extra relevant now, as many of us in the country feel like we're just pushing forward, doing everything we can to make things work during this difficult time.

I constantly imagine songs in other places: are there any movies/TV shows or any other places where you'd imagine your songs would play?

I can see some of these in crime and murder mystery-type shows. I’ve had people tell me “Imprinted” has a Twin Peaks or James Bond feel to it. So maybe a show or movie with a kind of slinky jazz lounge vibe. There’s definitely a meditative, tribal feel to some of the songs too, so I think they could work in a movie/TV show with that vibe. But honestly, I think less about music in terms of specific movies or TV shows, and more about fitting themes. So, for example, “All My Life” is perfect to capture that theme of being unstoppable, or a character finally going after their dream. “Stranger” would work well for a theme of not feeling like yourself or acting out of character. I think a lot of the songs on the album fit clear, universal themes, and so I’m hoping that I can find some success pitching these to music supervisors, production companies, etc.

For all us young'un's out there: How much of our identity is actually wrapped up in our dreams? Do you think it's important to separate our dreams, identity, and realities?

Uh oh… you’re going to get me on a soapbox, ha!

So I think it’s different for everyone, but I think it’s fair to say that for most of us, yes, our identity is either wrapped up in our dreams and/or in our work. Think about it. When we meet people, how often do we ask, “What do you do?” as if the answer will give us an accurate idea of who they really are. And how often do we judge people based on their careers?

But the truth is, achievements DO NOT define who you are, and do not define your worth, value, or potential. And while dreams can shape us, they can also limit us. They can keep us from seeing other sides of ourselves. And when we’re hyper focused on them, we miss out on so much beauty! I find the most memorable moments of life are actually quiet, behind the scenes, and not at all the result of working towards a dream or goal. [Goals] are not as great when they determine your ultimate view of yourself and control your amount of suffering. 

I think I’m just realizing now too, that I hate the term “dream.” Dream sounds like an “all or nothing” approach. “Ideal” feels more flexible. For some reason, it feels healthier for me to look at it as “my ideal situation” version “my dream.”All around us, we’re being told we need to “dream big” and “you can do whatever you set your mind to” and “live up to your potential.” We love to dote on famous and rich people or take courses on how to be like them. Those who never “make it” (whatever that awful phrase even means) are looked at as failures, less successful, not as worthy or talented or smart. It’s. All. Bullshit. And the song on the EP “Imprinted” basically revolves around all of this. 

So do I think it’s important to separate our dreams, identity, and realities? I think it’s probably unrealistic to try to. I think it’s all intertwined. Our dreams (or “ideal situation,” ha) will probably shape a bit of who we are (our identity). But I think the key is to understand [that] it’s a very small, ego-driven piece of who we are, and doesn’t ultimately define us. And I think it’s important to see our identities (and dreams for that matter) as constantly shifting. To, as one of my favorite spiritual teachers Pema Chödrön talks about, get comfortable with the fact that the ground beneath us is always shifting. I think it’s healthy to incorporate the stuff on the ego-level (dreams, identity) and the stuff underneath, the non-ego (that pure essence of who we are underneath the dreams, underneath the identity perceptions, underneath all judgments and experiences). Because while the stuff on the surface doesn’t define the essence of who we are, it’s still a reality that we take the train into work, or have to cook dinner for the kids, or need to make money to survive, right? These are still very real; they’re just not the full picture. And that’s the important part.

I think it’s especially important for the younger generations to pay attention to all of this in the age of social media. [Social media has] made understanding the truth of who we are and the idea of living in the non-ego so hard. Social media is all ego, storylines. I’m not saying it doesn’t have a lot of good aspects to it too. But it make[s] it very hard to feel and see the layers of a situation. Things are often black and white on social media, and we are sold specific messages on what it means to be successful and happy. It’s a system based on instant gratification (likes, comments, followers), and we have the tendency to add it up to calculate our value. If we’re not careful, it can drive us further from the whole truth, and deeper into the storylines.

Lia Menaker’s album I am Kyrøs is available now on https://liamenaker.bandcamp.com/. 

All proceeds throughout the month of July benefit Melanated Social Work [https://www.instagram.com/melanatedsocialwork/?hl=en]. 

[pivitor]

My Top 10 Albums of 2019

2019 will go down, for me, as the year my beloved iPod died, and I finally bit the bullet and signed up for Spotify Premium. Thus, I listened to more new music in 2019 than I ever have before, and realized how much of it I found disposable. Bands I grew up loving put out mediocre efforts, new darlings grew in directions I wasn’t interested in following, but thank god, thank god there are still plenty of terrific musicians putting out work that resonates deep within my soul. Music is subjective, so I wouldn’t dare call this a “best of” list, but below are the ten new releases of 2019 that I listened to the most, vibed with the most, that just plain ol’ meant the most to me this year.

(PS: Don’t think too much about the exact order and ranking here. It changed multiple times even as I was writing this. What really matters is that all ten of these records rule)

10. Radar State -- Strays

Radar State are the Avengers of the early 2000s mid-west emo scene -- a band combining The Get Up Kids’ Matt Pryor and Jim Suptic, The Anniversary’s Josh Berwanger, and The Architects’ Adam Phillips into a single supergroup. Pryor has described the project as “just having fun with [his] friends,” and that dynamic shines through loud and clear in Strays. It’s like each member is pushing the next to just create the catchiest song they possibly can, and the competition leads to great results; Pryor favors fast and sloppy punk and Berwanger moody earworms that fuse themselves into your brain through sheer repetition, but it’s Suptic who fulfills that edict best with his shiny, addictive pop love songs. Radar State never quite hits the emotional highs of its members’ main projects, but that was never the point in the first place; Strays is just fun from front to back, and it’s an album I’ve returned to consistently throughout the entirety of 2019.

Highlights: Making Me Feel, Self-Hurt Guru, Artificial Love

9. The Early November -- Lilac

Lilac is an album about learning from your mistakes and making a conscious choice to be better, and it’s a theme, an ethos that truly defines this release on every level. The Early November originally planned to release Lilac back in 2018, but ended up scrapping the original recording and going back to the drawing board, knowing that they could do better, and funneling that ambition, all their lessons learned, into their most ambitious release outside of The Mother, The Maker, and the Path (“but less self-indulgent,” I say with love). Horns, piano, and a wide variety of tempos spice up the proceedings, and the lyrics are more raw and honest than ever, but Lilac’s greatest weapon is the vocals, which Ace Enders wields with virtuoso skill. He plays with different cadences and deliveries, giving every song a unique feel, moving from soft and pleasant (“Perfect Sphere [Bubble]”) to menacing (“My Weakness”), from the joy of “Ave Maria” to the cathartic, powerhouse vocal explosion of “Hit By A Car (Euphoria)” to the pure, crackling, barely contained emotional breakdown threatening to burst right out of the chorus of “Our Choice.” There’s no other vocalist out there quite like Ace Enders -- and no other record quite like Lilac.

Highlights: Hit By A Car (In Euphoria), Ave Maria, Comatose

8. Magazine Beach -- Sick Day (EP)

Most year-end lists probably overlooked this record, a debut four-song EP from a small DIY band released in mid-December, and man oh man are those critics missing out. Sick Day isn’t just the biggest and best musical surprise I received all year, but quite possibly the most fun I had listening to music in 2019. Seriously, I played this on loop probably two dozen times the day I discovered it, and spent that evening forcing friends to listen to it too. Magazine Beach’s tongue-in-cheek lyrics, gonzo riffs, and stunning background harmonies are combined with vocals whose flatter, sardonic tone initially masks, but soon reveals their perfect cadence and quick crackles of emotion; they’re as close to a perfect pop-punk package as I heard all year, with their quirky, relatable songs about flaky friends, overstuffed social calendars, and other mid-twenties challenges filling that gaping Modern-Baseball-You’re-Gonna-Miss-It-All-shaped hole in my heart. If this had released earlier in the year, and I’d had more time to see how long it truly stuck with me, it might have placed far, far higher on this list, but either way I look forward to carrying this album forward with me into 2020, and I look forward to following Magazine Beach’s future career closely. I think they could go places.

Highlight: Living Room

7. Masked Intruder -- III

It’s easy to look at Masked Intruder and think that they’re more of an act than a band, just because they’re so good at playing hardened-yet-harmless criminals on stage, at enchanting an audience with their antics and banter alone. Thankfully, they’re equally skilled as musicians as they are performers; III isn’t just quick content for their live shows, but an entertaining, addictive, artfully made pop-punk record in its own right. Okay, maybe pop-punk is a bit too restrictive a descripter -- between the doo-wop, call-and-response harmonies and the raging riffs and solos, III sometimes sounds like a modern spin on sixties rock and roll, which is something I did not know I needed but absolutely needed. The lyrics never break kayfabe, but there’s some real clever stuff going on beneath the surface of these silly crime-themed love songs; contrasting the creepiness of Blue’s romantic pursuits with the shenanigans of a typical radio love song shows how few differences there actually are between the two, how creepy the entire genre is when you stop to give it any thought. It’s thoughtful and subversive without ever being preachy, just one more spinning plate kept perfectly balanced in the act that is III.

Highlights: Not Fair, Maybe Even, I’m Free (At Last)

6. Martha -- Love Keeps Kicking

Martha’s secret weapon is the empathy and compassion their songs cultivate for their subjects. Love Keeps Kicking is an album largely about the way love can kick you when you’re down, yet throughout the album Martha never villainizes even the bad actors in relationships. “Into This” finds the narrator jerked around by a potential partner who just won’t clarify what they are to each other, but the song isn’t out to attack the partner, simply to get a solid answer. Likewise, “Love Keeps Kicking” lays out a myriad of detailed complaints about romance and relationships, not to insult, but simply to find a way to endure them. “Orange Juice” rues the way the narrator diluted their partner just by being with them, showing impressive (and heartbreaking) levels of self-awareness. That kind of emotional maturity and complexity makes the true love songs (“Sight For Sore Eyes,” “Wrestlemania VIII”) all the more joyous, and makes their social commentary (“Mini Was A Preteen Arsonist”) that much more effective. Martha are a wonderfully catchy, fun band filled with great harmonies and British twang, but it’s their earnest, compassionate storytelling that truly made me fall in love with them, and with Love Keeps Kicking.

Highlights: Wrestlemania VIII, Love Keeps Kicking, Orange Juice

5. Aaron West and the Roaring Twenties -- Routine Maintenance

Hot take (?) incoming: Dan Campbell is the best songwriter of our generation. I already sang his praises pretty thoroughly last year when discussing my favorite album of 2018, but Routine Maintenance is just further proof of this truth, almost Campbell flexing. The previous Aaron West record was a character study of the worst year of a man’s life, but Routine Maintenance expands Aaron’s world in terms of scope, characters, and themes, all to the project’s (and character’s) benefit. The record is a tale of redemption, taking Aaron from rock bottom to a new place of security, all through the power of friendship and community, the power of music, and the power of family, of fulfilling your responsibilities to them, of finding your role and your home wherever you are, with the people who care about you, with people you can make proud. They’re themes Campbell has been exploring throughout his entire career, but brought down to a more personal level, and somehow that makes them hit harder than ever, perhaps because it makes the way they can fit into any listener’s life that much clearer. I’ve cried listening to this album. I’ve cried hearing these songs live. There’s true, true catharsis on Routine Maintenance, and it’s because Campbell’s taken Aaron West on a real journey, and it’s one I feel blessed to have been able to follow.

Highlights: Runnin’ Toward the Light, Rosa & Reseda, Winter Coats

4. Pkew Pkew Pkew -- Optimal Lifestyles

Pkew Pkew Pkew’s 2016 self-titled debut was an album told solely in the present tense, not worried about the future, but simply about the drinks, pizza, skateboarding, and parties to be had right here, right now. It was a blisteringly fun, gang-vocals filled powerhouse of a record that solidified Pkew Pkew Pkew as one of my new favorite bands. Optimal Lifestyles, though, is an album that has started to look back, if only to question the present. Are they still content to be these same fun-loving, hard-drinking party guys? Ultimately, as proven by lyrics such as “Shred until you’re dead, or until you break your wrist again” and “We lead thirsty little lives, and all we want’s another,” the answer they come to is a resounding “yes,” but the journey they take to find that answer not only makes it feel earned, but opens Pkew Pkew Pkew to some exciting new songwriting avenues, be it the touching introspection of “Drinkin’ Days” or the surprisingly beautiful nostalgia of “Everything’s the Same” (or even the more raucous nostalgia of “Mt. Alb,” for that matter). Don’t let words like “introspection” and “beautiful” scare you, though -- The Boys still rock as hard as ever, as the wailing, chugging guitars and even a totally rockin’ saxophone solo fully attest to (though I do miss all the gang vocals). And I’d be remiss to not mention “I Wanna See A Wolf,” an absolute songwriting clinic. In only a minute and nineteen seconds, Pkew Pkew Pkew takes a simple statement -- “I wanna see a wolf” -- and unravels it until it reveals a song about longing for freedom from the careers that cage our lives, even when they’re our dream. I don’t know if Pkew Pkew Pkew could have written this song three years ago. Talk about growth.

Highlights: I Wanna See A Wolf, Point Break, Adult Party

3. The Get Up Kids -- Problems

After their most popular record -- 1999’s Something To Write Home About -- the Get Up Kids’ next three albums all went on to be incredibly divisive among their fans. While all three records showed significant creative growth, none really sounded like what came before (personally, I very much enjoyed two of those records -- sorry, There Are Rules -- but I guess I’m not most fans). Problems, though, sounds like the natural evolution of Something To Write Home About without ever feeling derivative of it -- it sounds more like “the Get Up Kids” than anything the Get Up Kids have released in over a decade, which is an incredibly exciting thing let me tell you. Yet, Problems still benefits from everything the band has learned in that time: there’s new introspection (“The Problem Is Me”), a wider storytelling scope (“Lou Barlow”), and a shift from wallowing in their own pain to examining the pain of others (“Satellite,” which Matt Pryor has said is based on one of his sons). Problems also manages to pack in absolute bangers like “Fairweather Friends,” sensitive, tender ballads like “The Advocate,” and mid-tempo jams like “Salina,” a guaranteed future Emo classic that threatens to dethrone the Kids’ own “Central Standard Time” as The Quintessential Emo Song. Problems is the synthesis of just about everything that has ever made the Get Up Kids special, and it not only makes for one of the year’s best albums, but one of the Get Up Kids’ best as well.

Highlights: Fairweather Friends, Lou Barlow, Salina

2. PUP -- Morbid Stuff

The A-Side of Morbid Stuff is perfect -- a legitimately flawless five song stretch of punk rock that continues to blow my mind almost ten months after its release. The unmistakable opening notes of “Morbid Stuff”; that irresistible background riff from the bridge returning in “Kids’” second chorus, combined with some of the most nihilisticly romantic lyrics I’ve ever heard; the raucous sing-along that is “Free At Last”; the purest, most undiluted diss-track of the year in “See You At Your Funeral”; and, finally, the best song of the year bar none, “Scorpion Hill,” a sonic journey through multiple musical genres, telling a story of uniquely American misery that legitimately moves me to tears. The B-Side doesn’t quite live up to these first five tracks -- there’s a couple stand-outs (“Bare Hands” needs to make it into a live set pronto), a couple songs more interesting in concept than execution (sorry, “Full Blown Meltdown”), and a few more perfectly fine, standard PUP tunes (and I swear I don’t mean that as an insult!) -- but, well, how could it ever really have anyway? All together, it still makes for an outrageously enjoyable album that reaches the upper echelons of what 2019’s new music had to offer. That PUP was not only such a terrific band right out of the gate, but has remained so this far into their career, makes me so, so happy.

Highlights: Scorpion Hill, Kids, Free At Last

1. The Menzingers -- Hello Exile

It took me a few listens -- and, truthfully, seeing it played live -- to truly crack this album. At first it was a bit too slow, the vocals a bit too filtered, but once it clicked, I lived and breathed Hello Exile and nothing else for months. The slightly slower pace gives the Menzingers a chance to play around with some new musical tricks, be it the back-and-forth opening or the fun background guitar melodies of “Strangers Forever” or the almost hypnotic vocal melodies in the choruses of “Portland” or “Hello Exile,” and they pay off with great effect. Lyrically the Menzingers are at the top of their game; tracks like “High School Friend” and “Strain Your Memory” are more adept than ever at painting stories that make you nostalgic for a life you never even lived, but absolutely feel like you have, and lines like “it only hurts til’ it doesn’t” hit your heart with sniper-like precision. “Anna” may be the quintessential Menzingers song, a tale of longing, love, and location that drove the entire scene into a frenzy that still hasn’t subsided. “Farewell Youth” is the best closing track the Menzingers have ever released, a song about grief in multiple forms that manages to find poignant takes on each and every one of them. I’m not yet sure whether Hello Exile is the beginning or the end of a chapter for the Menzingers, but either way, it’s clearly an essential and unmissable part of their story, and one I feel privileged to be able to experience.

Highlights: Anna, Strangers Forever, Farewell Youth

[bamiiib]

Ethereal | Jung Jaehyun

Masterlist

One | Two | Three | Four | Five | Six | Seven | Eight | Nine | Ten

Everything feels like something pulled straight out of a romance novel. In his eyes, galaxies are trapped within, and he rushes out to chase after his dreams. While he smiles and sings, you begin to wonder if your own dreams are even worth while.

Words: 7.8K

Category: Modern!AU, Angst, Fluff

Song Rec: LOVE YOURSELF Highlight Reel — BTS

Warnings: Explicit Language

A/N: Episode 132789 of Bambi disappearing again .-. Hopefully this time I can try to stay on track as I’m now in summer vacation and summer school has officially ended! As always, I’m sorry for the wait, but Ethereal is almost at its end! Originally, I wanted to end the series at ten because its even lololol but considering how I ended this chapter, I will be extending it by one more! Hope you all enjoy, and happy reading xoxo —bambi PS. The playlist for Ethereal will be released in Spotify and Apple Music when the Epilogue is released so stay tuned!

The days passed by faster than you realized. Everything was falling into place, and you felt as if you could take over the world.

It took awhile for you to get used to your new apartment with Jaehyun. Sometimes, you forget that you were living with him until you’d wake up, and his face would be the first thing to greet you.

His beautiful milky skin that’d tint gold within the bedroom window, the soft chirps of the birds singing their faint melodies.

Your apartment wasn’t exactly beautiful to the eyes of many, but it was your home, and it was more than just beautiful. It was magical. As cliche as that probably sounded.

Your days were filled with smiles and laughter all about. You hadn’t remembered the last time you were so happy for such a long time. It had felt rare, to have moments like these, and as time passed by, it had become a daily habit to smile.

After about five months of living together, every single moment spent with Jaehyun felt eternal, and you never wanted this beautiful dream to end.

“Will it always be like this?” Jaehyun asked, arm comfortably wrapped around your waist, lying next to you. Naked bodies hidden beneath silk sheets, you traced shapes onto his chest, your lips curling into a smile.

Looking up to meet his eyes that had already been staring at you, you tilted your head. “Like what?” You whispered delicately, your hand coming to a stop.

Jaehyun hovered his free hand over yours, entangling your fingers together as he grinned, now staring up into the ceiling. “This perfect.” His words carried into the silence, but you felt your heart flutter in response. “I don’t know.” You started, and he eyes you, confused and scared at first until your laugh eased him up. “But I hope it will.” You reassured, and he breathed out a laugh, dipping his head for a short, sweet kiss.

“You know, this kind of reminds me of when we first moved in here.” You said, voice risen a volume higher than the whispers you were exchanging a moment ago.

He hummed and arched a brow. “How so?” He asked, and you propped yourself up with an elbow, strands of your hair falling onto his flawless face, his hand that was once wrapped around your waist, brought up to stroke your cheek. “Everything feels so calm and serene. Like the world is suddenly put at a pause, just for us.” Your eyes drifted off, wandering onto his features.

“I remember when you suddenly pulled me in and started dancing with me. Even though there wasn’t any music playing… and then you started to sing… you never told me you could sing.” You realized. Jaehyun’s smile softly faltered, and a sigh breathed through his hesitant lips.

“Yeah…” Was all he could mutter, and you knew something was wrong with the caution he had suddenly displayed. “Did I say something wrong?” You asked, backing away from the closeness until his hand reached for your waist to stop you.

“No! No—you did nothing. It’s just…” His hand moved away, and Jaehyun went back to staring up at the plain ceiling.

“I do sing. In fact, I used to write songs. My friends back home used to say I had a real talent, and I thought that I could be an amazing singer and songwriter one day.” He breathed out another laugh. It was dry, reluctant, and bittersweet.

“But…?” You carried on, your eyes shining in anticipation when you saw the sorrow that glazed over Jaehyun’s.

“My parents weren’t exactly the most supportive when it came to my dreams. They’re a bit… stuck up—and expect me to be just like them. That’s partially the reason why they even fucking sent me here, and why I was studying to be something I’m not.” You listened and felt a slight twang in your heart.

“I didn’t know…” You whispered, and Jaehyun looked back at you, pulling you down from your neck so your lips had met his.

“I didn’t really want you to know. It’s just something I don’t like to share that much, but I’m glad I could share it with you. I’m just relieved you’ll never have to meet them.” He whispered with a huff.

“Is… that why you also wanted to drop out of college?” You asked after a short, hesitant moment. Jaehyun nodded, and you gulped down a knot you didn’t know was even forming in your throat.

“I always had the idea of going against my parents’ wishes. I didn’t want to be like them, and I just wanted to be my own person. When you came into my life… I guess it gave me the push I was so scared to get.” He smiled, as did you. “So does that mean you’ll go back to making music?” You asked, sitting up and pulled your hair back. Jaehyun’s lips remained tightly curled, pondering, and losing himself in thought.

After a couple of seconds, he snaps back and turns to you, sitting up in the process as his chest bumped into yours. “I don’t know. What do you think?” He arched a brow, and you giggled sweetly.“I think you should follow what your heart tells you.” You saw as you poke onto his chest, and Jaehyun laughed wholeheartedly. “And that I will do.” He grinned, holding your hand that rested against his chest and kiss your lips once, twice, endless times.

You broke the kiss with a laugh, your eyes fluttering open to meet his. “You should sing for me.” You whispered within Jaehyun’s tiny whine, desperate to meet your own lips again until your words had stopped him.

His brows furrowed, and his head tilted aside. “Why the sudden request?” He asked and you pucker your lips in thought. “I want to hear you sing for me like you did when we danced that night.”  You chirped, wrapping your arms around his neck, backing yourself enough to admire his euphoric features.

“Anything for you, my love.” He chuckled when you rolled your eyes and slapped his shoulder, pushing him away as Jaehyun, still in a laughing fit, got up from the bed and slipped back into his underwear and sweatpants. “Wait here.” He instructed, walking towards the doorstep to look over at your body wrapped around the sheets.

Jaehyun bit his lip, restraint clear in his eyes followed by a linger of lust left within that glance. Still, he calmed himself down when you smiled widely, eyes sparkling with excitement and anticipation, and he disappeared into the halls.

You waited, and in that time you had spent waiting, you had gotten up from bed in search of your undergarments. Once they were found across the bed, you then reached for the shirt Jaehyun left unattended from his side of the bed.

You slipped inside his shirt, and took in his sweet scent of coffee and vintage bookstores, humming with the scent of lumber that was hidden deep within the sweetness.

Jaehyun’s scent has always seemed to have calmed you down in the darkest times. The warmth buried in his hug, you’d grip tightly onto his shirt and take a deep breath in, remembering where you were, and who you were with.

He had always carried this calming aura around, one in which you envied. Jaehyun was nothing more but a good person who didn’t carry a single bad bone in his body.

You knew you thought of it a lot, more times than you could count—but each day you felt the need to remind yourself that he was real.

He wasn’t a dream, or some figment of your imagination to calm your troubled mind. He was real, and he was with you. The question you mostly asked yourself was why that was.

What did you do to ever deserve such a kind hearted man?

You’d fall victim into your insecurities when you got too deep in thought about it. Your mind clouded in self doubt, and memories flashing through your head. You never had things this easy, so why was Jaehyun a sudden exception?

Maybe this was nothing more but a dream.

Maybe… just maybe, you would wake up one day.

And the thought of that terrified you.

Jaehyun had come back, a wide smile plastered onto his face, his dimples pressed deep into his cheeks. In his hands, a guitar, strapped across his chest. He sat on the edge of the bed, and you scooted closer to him until your chin was resting comfortably on top of his shoulder.

“I might be rusty, so it might not sound as good as it used to.” He warned, but you shook your head. “It’s fine.” You uttered, and he let out a breathy chuckle. “Alright…” He whispered, and it fell silent.

He looked over the guitar, studying the strings and hovered his fingers, despite no sound muttering from the instrument. Instead, he ghosted over it, humming gently to what you guessed was what he wanted to play. He cleared his throat, his left hand wrapped around the neck, fingers pressed against the fretboard, and he began to play.

The strum of the guitar started slow, and the melody, soft. He’d stop to hum, his ruffled hair bouncing as he swung side to side, his eyes gently closing, Jaehyun had fallen deep into the music. The music shifted and found a rhythm until it became a song. At first, filled with sorrow, then with joy. He took a deep breath, and Jaehyun had sung.

His voice started husky, and he quickly cleared his throat till it turned smooth. The song had felt like a roller coaster of emotions, lyrics that sounded so uplifting, yet when you truly paid attention to what he was saying, filled with such lost sorrow. It had felt so bittersweet as the song had echoed in your ears. His voice sounded so sweet and felt as if honey were dripping off from those lips you found addicting.

The melody played into your ears, and it felt like your own heart was being plucked instead.

The lyrics were filled with such sorrow; it was like Jaehyun was talking to himself. Telling himself these things. Like he has forgotten where he was and lost himself into an entirely different world.

A story about two lovers, one a happy tune, and another a forgotten song. The two were more than different, but that didn’t stop the light that ignited within the dark.

The days feel limited, as if each day feels like the last. A dream that the two lovers are trapped in. A dream filled with such beauty, and such perfection, it all seemed too good to be true.

Jaehyun sang, and you smiled, because when you looked at his face, his eyes closed shut as he strummed onto the guitar and sung with such sweet passion, he had finally looked at peace.

Eventually, the song had ended on a bittersweet note. One that had left your heart longing, you kissed Jaehyun’s shoulder delicately. “You sing beautifully. Why do you keep it hidden?” You asked, your hand absentmindedly drawing shapes onto his bicep.

“I don’t know. I guess I just haven’t found my muse at the time.” He turned to look at you, taking off the strap of the guitar and pushed it aside. “Do you think you found it now?” You asked as he stared deep into your eyes, searching for your soul, and you stared at the galaxies trapped in his own. “I think I did.” He said sweetly, and you laughed as he pressed a short kiss onto your lips.

“Did you write that song?” You asked, following behind Jaehyun down the hallway so he can put his guitar away. “Yes, actually. I’ve been writing it for some time. I always had the melody stuck in my head, but never found the right lyrics to it. I wanted to tell a story, but I didn’t know what. Then I met you and I guess…” He paused. Jaehyun turned away from you for a moment to set his guitar back inside the closet of the room, then turning back to you, he grinned wide enough to flash his dimpled cheeks.

“I guess our story had seemed to be a perfect fit.” He smiled, and you rolled your eyes. “You’re cute” You said sarcastically. Jaehyun fell into a fit of laughter, wrapping his arms around you and peppered you in kisses. “Ah yes, it’s such a blessing being this cute.” He retorted, kissing you once more before you could dare protest.

You shook your head, and listened to the silence for a moment before you asked, “So are you going to pursue your dreams in music then?” Jaehyun’s thin lips curled to a line, lost in thought for a second or two, then looked back at you with a tiny smile.

“Depends, will you pursue your dreams in painting?” He said, and your brows arched slightly, and a dry laugh left your lips. “Who said anything about painting being my dream?” You asked, and Jaehyun shook his head, shrugging.

“I know I haven’t seen any of your paintings, but that night when you told me about it, you had this spark in your eye. I just figured it was your passion the moment I saw it.” Jaehyun explained, and your expressions softened. “I haven’t painted in a while… I probably lost my touch.” You bit down on your bottom lip, averting your eyes away from Jaehyun and onto your intertwined fingers, and part of what you said felt partially true.

That day when you painted Jaehyun’s face, you didn’t know where it had come from. It felt like a piece that was hidden away deep inside you was seeping out, and you subconsciously painted him.

Since your mother left your father, and your family had become completely broken, you thought you would never paint again. You felt that you had to provide for yourself and your father. When he gave his life to drinking, it seemed that everything you ever dreamed of had withered away.

You miss painting, but you never considered yourself to have a talent for it. It was something you enjoyed, and in a way to what Jaehyun had told you—you didn’t doubt him when he explained to you of the little sparks that ignited within you that day when you had told him.

“One way to test that theory out.” Jaehyun whispered, and you looked back at him, and he moved so he’d bury his head in the crook of your neck, taking in your scent, and you smiled.

“I guess so…” You answered, but in your mind, you didn’t know if you even wanted to test that out. You didn’t know what you’d paint. It was like the creative side of your brain had completely died.

But when you closed your eyes, and listened to Jaehyun’s strumming of the guitar, followed by the candied tones of his voice, maybe a part of you wanted to be as creative and beautiful as him.

—○—

“I can’t believe this day has already come.”

You smiled, looking up at Johnny’s towering figure, who could only look at you with the same, wide grin.

“Well, it’s not every day your best friend gets married.” He commented, adjusting his tie, then turned to stand next to you, staring ahead of him, and took your hand in his for Johnny to grip.

“I’m so glad that you’re here.”

“C’mon, you know I wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

“I know… thank you.”

The doors opened, and the music began to play, and with a final grip on Johnny’s hand, you looked over at him with a smile, and walked to the side, where the bridesmaids stood with their bouquets in hands.

Your dress was different compared to theirs, considering that you were the maid of honor.

He adjusted his tie again and wiped the cold sweat on his hands. The lights had dimmed slightly, and the audience stood to their feet. You watched, and your heart seemed to have fastened, and Ten walked down the aisle with his parents on each side of him, dressed in a white tux, his eyes locked on Johnny.

Johnny waited in front of a gazebo decorated to the brim with flowers and fairy lights. Ten’s parents hosted the wedding at their home, considering it was beautiful—they were more than happy to see that their son would marry in a home that he grew up in. Where so much love was born.

They didn’t hesitate to decorate their entire residence to the brim, with flowers such as baby’s-breath and other bright colored plants surrounded bright yellow lights, a perfect substitute for the setting sun behind the gazebo.

You watched a smile itch on Ten’s lips; you turned to look at Johnny, his eyes glassy with tears the closer his soon-to-be husband got. In your ears, all fell silent, and the soft strums of the guitar filled them back up. Your eyebrows arched, you turned your head and saw Jaehyun sitting where the band normally sits, and it was just him.

Sitting by himself, and playing his guitar, singing into the microphone, on a song about endless love. The sound and the sight, it was enough to bring tears into your eyes, so you listened carefully, watched carefully, and your heart felt light.

It reminded you back to when this whole thing started. The party, and Jaehyun sitting outside with that smile you found addicted to see. Your fears that clouded your mind and locked your heart away.

How easily he could shine into your life and find the key you kept hidden away.

When you opened your eyes, Ten and Johnny stared into each other's eyes, tears staining both of their cheeks. You turned to look at Jaehyun, and with a final strum to his guitar, kept his eyes glued onto you.

Your heart fluttered, and you knew—with every inch of your being—you loved him more than life.

The crowd applauded, as Ten and Johnny leaned for a kiss that’d tie their marriage, you looked over at Jaehyun, who was the only one who wasn’t looking at the couple, but at you. His eyes glistened within the fairy lights wrapped around the gazebo, and a smile plastered onto his face. At that moment, when you looked into those eyes you love, watching them glisten with an unknown spark.

No words were said, and whilst the crowd moved inside the large house where the living room had been cleaned and cleared to dance, your feet felt rooted to the floor. Jaehyun got up from his seat when the coast was clear, placing his guitar next to the microphone, his footsteps nearing your figure.

You felt a knot form in your throat, your lips had run dry, and your hands felt cold with sweat. He laughed when he noticed just how nervous you had suddenly gotten, and took your hands in his, squeezing them gently. The two of you had stood like that for a while, staring into each other’s eyes, with no words exchanged, because at that moment, no words were needed.

You knew just how much he loved you with that look; the dimples popping out of his cheeks, and his nose scrunching slightly, it looked like he had whiskers on his face. You opened your mouth to speak after the silence slowly began to grow tense, but when you took in a breath to speak, Jaehyun interrupted with his lips pressed against yours.

He didn’t waste another moment to wrap his arms around your waist, lifting you enough to make you stand on your toes. Your arms resting delicately on his shoulders, all good must come to an end. You were the first to pull away, Jaehyun a bit curious by that. You smiled and whispered, “Someone’s affectionate today.” Jaehyun chuckled and shook his head.

“Seriously, what’s up? Did the wedding get to you a little?” You asked when he said nothing. He shook his head again, and bent down to kiss your lips again. “I love you. Isn’t that enough reason for my actions?” He asked. You eyed him suspiciously with an arched brow and giggled before hitting his chest.

“I suppose not.” You tugged on his neck, lips itching to meet his again. The two of you smiled, but when lips were nothing but a mere centimeter away, a voice had pulled the two of you back into Earth.

“You guys coming to dance, or do you want another moment to stick each other's tongues down your throats?” Johnny shouted with a hearty laugh, Ten tucked in his arms, dancing along to the beat that echoed from inside the house. You rolled your eyes, and Jaehyun snickered, looking down at your flushed, annoyed expression that set him laughing.

“We’ll be there in a bit.” Jaehyun eventually excused, and Johnny nodded. “Well, don’t take too long, the party won’t wait for you guys!” He walked back inside the building, where the crowd roared for him and his new husband.

“So…” Jaehyun mumbled, removing himself from you, you grew needy for his touch already. “So… what?” You questioned. He shook his head with another chuckle, but before he could say another word, the music from the inside had changed.

The beat fell slower, and the singer’s voice deeper, more melodic. You knew what song it was from the moment you listened to that first tune of the trumpet, and you looked over at Jaehyun with wide eyes. You asked in disbelief, “You didn’t request this, did you?” Jaehyun looked away, an innocent whistle blowing from his thin lips, his footsteps beginning to near you again.

“I may or may not have.” He whistled, but when you hit his chest, crossing your arms, he raised his hands in defense and laughed. “Hey, even if it isn’t our wedding, it’s still a nice song to dance with your lover.”

The words rung in your ears. “If it isn’t our wedding.” The thought of what he could’ve meant with that set your heart to race, and a million questions popping in your head, but he reacted swiftly.

With an arm wrapped around your waist, and his hand reaching for yours to put on his shoulder, holding the other in his, Jaehyun gently swayed to the music. “You really know how to sweep a girl off her feet.” You giggled. Jaehyun shrugged, pulling away from you to spin you, and you followed to his rhythm. “If I didn’t then we probably wouldn’t even be here now would we?” He questioned, and you nodded. “I guess.” Was all you could say.

You listened to the music together, the dramatics of spinning and turning stopped. Your back was pressed against Jaehyun’s chest, as he held your arms with his chin rested in the crook of your neck.

“It really brings back memories, doesn’t it?” He asked, and you hummed in response. “Crazy to think how this all started…” You whispered, turning around, so you were now facing Jaehyun, your arms finding comfort around his neck again, and his resting on your hips.

“Before we met, I was terrified of love. No one knew how bad it was… not even Johnny. He just knew that my parents fought a lot, and would be there for me when the yelling got too much.”

Silence.

“No one knew that because of them, I thought that love meant hurting the other. But the thing is…” Your voice trailed off, tilting your head so you could meet Jaehyun’s focused stare.

“It wasn’t the fear that it would hurt me, but that I would be the one doing the hurting. When I met you… I knew you were nothing but good. Guess that’s why I was so scared to fall. I didn’t want to hurt you… I was just—” a kiss pressed against your lips interrupted your sentence. It was something short and felt sweet at first.

Passionate, but chaste. It was enough to reassure you, and Jaehyun didn’t even have to say anything from that point on. He just had to look at you. And with that glisten in his eyes, you knew that no words had to be exchanged for you to understand the amount of love he had for you.

Your mother was nothing like Jaehyun, and nothing like your father. She wasn’t as compassionate as Jaehyun, or as nurturing as your father who tried his best despite his addictions. She didn’t even try to make things work, and when she saw a crack form in what was once perfect, she ran away.

You still remember her cold, heartless glare, her perfectly painted lips in a frown when she looked at you, and said, “Who can love something so broken?” And maybe it was the fact that you knew Jaehyun was nothing like her, or the devastation in your father’s eyes when you left, yet the love and support that still carried in his heart when you did, you knew that it would be okay.

Someday, everything will be okay.

Still, the mirror was far from fixed. To this day, you can barely look at your reflection, and when you look at those cracks, the ones that carry your mother’s bittersweet smile and your father’s salty tears, you’d lose yourself in the thought, ‘Will it ever be fixed?’ That was just something you had to wait and see for yourself.

All that’s left now is hope.

—○—

The soft strums of the guitar woke you up. The chilling breeze of a welcoming Autumn beginning to enter through your window. You groaned, pulling the sheets over your head, trying to shut your eyes to drift back into sleep, but the guitar continued to strum, and his voice was muffled against the walls.

You extended your hand, and although you knew he wasn’t by your side, you sighed. Sitting up, you fixed your hair in a quick ponytail, heading to the bathroom to brush your teeth and wash your face, all whilst the guitar continued to play.

Every morning was like this after Johnny and Ten’s wedding. People were finally seeing potential within Jaehyun, and with potential, he gained opportunity.

Ten was friends with people who could give Jaehyun those opportunities—close enough with him to show up to his wedding and catch Jaehyun playing the guitar and listen to his singing you found so sweet. It was like a door had been opened for him. Opportunity after opportunity, it was impossible to pick which door of the many to walk through.

You saw that spark in his eyes. The one you wanted to believe that you carried when you talked about painting.

Now Jaehyun had that same look, the only difference being that he was actually living his dream. You… not so much.

Since the wedding, Jaehyun surprised you the next morning with a paint set. Acrylics, watercolors, brushes, an easel with endless canvas’ waiting to be filled. Every part of you wanted to be happy when he showed you it. He even emptied everything from the balcony just so you could paint the outside world. But whenever you looked at that blank canvas, and those clean brushes, you couldn’t find that spark to paint.

Each time you touched a watercolor, or brushed your fingers against the clean wood of the easel, you felt the pain that has filled up your past. You still thanked Jaehyun, but finding the strength within you to use it was another story entirely. You were just satisfied enough to know that at least one of you is following your dreams.

You walked towards the living room, where everything felt surreal. Your vision was still a blur from just waking up, but from a distance you can see his broad back, sitting on the floor, with his guitar sitting on his lap. He played, and he sang. He’d stop now and then to write in his notebook that you had gotten for him the moment you found out about his dreams.

Strangely enough, the first thing he wrote on the notebook wasn’t a song—not even a simple melody—but your name. It was cheesy, and you cringed when he showed it to you, but still, your heart felt light. He didn’t really care to seek a reaction from you, but when he wrote your name on that notebook, you watched that smile that makes it different from all the others he shows you. One filled with purity, innocence, and nothing else but love.

It looked like a hazy dream. Speckles of the sun seeping into your eyes, watering from a sudden yawn, and his lips that moved so smoothly, so sweetly, you didn’t want to kiss those lips, but to watch them as they moved. How his eyes fluttered closed, his eyelashes creating tiny shadows underneath, and his golden skin stained in tiny freckles that only the sun could expose.

Jaehyun was always beautiful, but still… the sight of him always took your breath away. When you watched, it was like the world had gone mute and placed in slow motion.

How his hair bounced each time he’d strummed his guitar, strands of his freshly dyed hair glowing a brighter color against the beams of light that poured through the curtains. His lips that continued to move, yet to you, made no sound at all.

This moment was something you wanted to cherish for as long as it lasted, and something that reached deep inside you had suddenly wished to cry. As if all of this seemed too good to be true.

As if you are still waiting for this dream to end.

“Hey, did I wake you up?” The singing was gone, and so were the soft melodies of the guitar. His voice that sounded concerned, yet coated with sweetness as he looked over at you with a smile. You grinned, shaking your head as you said, “No, not at all.” Jaehyun nodded, curling his lips as if lost in thought before setting his guitar aside, turning away from you and headed into the kitchen.

“I wanted to wait until you woke up before eating. Come on, I’ll cook while you can tell me about what you dreamt last night.” His smile had widened into a grin, a tiny laugh breathing through his thin lips when you followed behind, sitting down on the table.

Jaehyun was never the type to talk about himself and always wanted to hear about everything that you did. Even your dreams. Sometimes you wondered why he never liked to talk about himself, but you wanted to trick yourself into thinking, that was just how he was.

That this is the type of character Jaehyun is, because he tells you everything when it’s important. He wouldn’t dare keep any secrets from you, but still, you wish sometimes that he can tell you stories about his day, or his dreams, or even his thoughts. To know what runs through his mind every day, and although he kept his heart open for you to see and hold, it was like his mind was closed and locked away from everyone.

Even you.

Breakfast passed by quieter than the usual. Jaehyun would stir up the conversation now and then, but with you distracted by your thoughts, you didn’t find the strength to eat. Instead, you played with your food, poking at your eggs with your fork, or taking a sip from your orange juice every ten seconds.

Jaehyun looked over at you, his brows furrowed and worried. “I’m performing today.” He said abruptly, earning a reaction from you when your head snapped in his direction, and the grip on your fork turned tight. “T-That’s amazing Jaehyun! This is your fourth gig already!” You smiled widely, and Jaehyun laughed.

He nodded his head, “I know! I’m honestly surprised. I feel like I almost don’t deserve it…” His joy was quick to turn to sorrow, and your smile dropped.

You clicked your tongue, shaking your head and reached over to hold his hand across the table. “Don’t be like that. Of course you deserve it Jaehyun. You’re talented, and people are finally starting to see that in you. Your voice is being heard, and soon enough there will be thousands of people wanting to hear your voice!” You encouraged, and that brought a smile right back onto his lips.

“Will you… go with me?” His words sent you silent, and your hand tensed. “Y-You don’t have to if you don’t want to. It’s just… I’m finally starting to make myself known, and this is really important to me. I thought you could be there to y’know… give me some encouragement?” He excused, and you immediately felt guilty. Your lips curled into a tight line, but after a few seconds, you looked back into his eyes that awaited for you anxiously, and nodded your head.

It was enough to bring that bright grin back to his face, and that was enough for you to meet with the same expression. “You’re the best.” He whispered, bringing your hand to his lips, grazing your knuckles against them and kissed them gently.

You hummed, and with a coy smile, you said, “I know.” Jaehyun picked up the dishes, walking towards the sink when you followed him right behind. You wrapped your arms around his waist, your chin resting delicately on his back—as you were rather short to even think of reaching his shoulder.

You felt the vibrations of his chuckle against your skin, and it made your heart feel warm and fuzzy, like it was the first time you realized you had fallen in love with him.

“Oh, there’s another thing I should probably tell you for tonight.” Jaehyun started, and you remove yourself from him, standing right beside him when he handed you a dish for you to dry. “What is it?” You asked when you realized that he was being quiet for just a moment too short. You looked over at him, expecting to see him smile with enthusiasm, as he’d always been whenever he’d talk to you about his gigs.

Jaehyun still smiled, but there was something different to it. Although he kept his mind hidden from the world, he was still easy to read when it had come to his emotions.

“I-I actually…” He cleared his throat, turning his head to look at you and grinned widely, “I joined a band!” It fell silent.The only sounds that filled your ears were of the running water that soon turned off.

Jaehyun reached over to the other side of the sink—your side where you were drying the dishes before, and a nervous chuckle breathed from his lips. “T-That’s great, babe! W-When did you join? Who?” You breathed out a laugh, and there had been a look in Jaehyun’s eye that looked almost like relief at your words.

“Some guys at the bar saw me singing and thought I’d be a perfect addition to their band. Surprisingly enough, Doyoung is in it!” His eyes glinted with excitement again. One that reminded you of a child, and in a strange way, you felt disconnected from it.

“I didn’t know Doyoung could sing.” Was all you could muster up before you reached for a dish to dry. Jaehyun laughed, shaking his head and with that same smile, he said, “I didn’t know either. Guess the world is always full of surprises. Wait until you hear our name though—but I’ll leave that as a surprise until tonight!” He rushed to your side, pressing a quick kiss to your cheek, and with no other words exchanged, he left and disappeared into your apartment.

“It’s going to be great, babe!” You heard him shout from afar. You wanted to smile, and you wanted to feel happy for him. Jaehyun deserved this! He was finally living his dream, just like he said he would!

So why…

Why did you feel so…

Empty?

You put the dishes down when you realized your hands were pruning. After a few mumbles to yourself, you took a deep breath in, and walked towards the balcony.

The sun was still high up, and the clouds seemed perfectly scattered. The buildings seemed tall, and below the streets seemed busy. Cars zooming past your building and people talking, you listened to the life that played around you.

You sat down on the tiny stool in front of the easel, a blank canvas sitting right on it, waiting for a brush’s touch. You turned to your right, where the acrylic paints sat patiently, and a big piece of cardboard cut into a palette. The sight almost made you laugh instantly.

“I suppose I should tell him I have one of these…” You whispered to yourself with a gentle giggle, picking it up in your hands and observed the plain brown color. How it was begging to be filled with more than just one simple color.

Your hands tensed at the thought. Looking back towards the acrylics, you didn’t know where to begin, nor what to paint. Each time you painted in the past, there was always a story to be told within the strokes of a brush. Either it was about pain, love, or sorrow—something was always shown within your drawings. But when you listened deep for the silence within the busy city, you heard the birds chirping and flying away to hide in the clouds.

You observed them and watched them fly. Some had flown in groups, and some alone; yet they didn’t look lonely at all. Instead, they looked free.

Your eyes fluttered closed, you took a deep breath in, and reached for an acrylic paint, then for your brush, you felt your fingers tense again. As if something was holding you back, taking away what you thought you already had. It felt as if something was within arm's distance away, something that you craved, and something that you needed—but you didn’t know what.

You took another deep breath, your jaw tightened, and you began to paint.

You didn’t know what you were painting, or what story would be told within the brush strokes. You didn’t know if the colors you were using would even make sense, but you didn’t care. You painted, and you searched deep inside for something—anything—to scream and be let out through these colors.

And it was within that focus you found yourself deep inside, you had tuned out everything in the world, and you didn’t hear busy cars or loud people. You didn’t listen to the lives that flourished around you, and you didn’t pay attention to the time that passed without you. You painted, and when you painted, you created a whole new world for you, and you only. You hadn’t paid attention to the sun that tinted the world in gold, or when Jaehyun placed a plate of food and juice on your table.

You painted like it was easy as breathing, and you painted because your heart felt caged, and you wanted nothing more than to create a key just for that. When the sun was setting, and the light for you to see was gone, that was when you had finished.

Jaehyun watched, leaning against the doorway and tilted his head to the side when he looked over your shoulder. “It’s beautiful.” You listened to him whisper, his footsteps echoing against the gravel of the balcony, his arms wrapping around your waist, and his chin against your shoulder. “What is it supposed to be?” He asked, and you took a deep breath, wiping away the sweat that built on your brow.

You smiled, placing your brush down and your palette full of colors. With a sigh of what felt like relief, you hovered your hands over Jaehyun’s and with a confident urge, you said, “It’s who I want to be.” You looked back at the canvas, studying the messy blotches of blues, purples, and red, and within those blotches, faded in the middle those colors shaped together, so that when you took a step back, “A bird.” You whispered, smiling proudly at yourself and looked up into the sky, where the birds had long left to voyage to wherever their hearts wanted.

—○—

You had taken a quick shower and changed into a clean pair of jeans and a white tee, placing your hair up in a lazy ponytail, you glanced over at Jaehyun who had been staring at his reflection for a while.

Walking up towards him, you stood beside Jaehyun, leaning against his towering figure, you nudged him gently with your elbow. “If you’re going to stand here all day admiring how good you look then you’ll be late for your gig with your band.” You smiled, and he laughed.

Jaehyun shook his head, averting his eyes away from his reflection and stepped back to sit on the edge of the bed. “It’s not that…” He whispered. You turned to look at him, seeing that dark look in his eye that he had earlier in the morning. You puffed up your cheeks, then releasing it into a sigh and sat next to him, taking his hand in yours, you intertwined your fingers together.

“What’s wrong? You’ve been looking down since this morning. Are you nervous?” You asked cautiously, and Jaehyun laughed dryly. “It’s not just that…” He let go of your hand, and the action alone made your heart just a little more fragile.

He stood up, walking towards the door before leaning his head against the frame. “What if I fuck all this up? I’ve been doing this whole music thing by myself this entire time, and now I’m in a band? I’m just scared I’ll screw it up and miss this opportunity.” He confessed, and you smiled bitter sweetly.

“You won’t fuck this up. You’re talented, and I’m sure they know that well enough to have want you in their band. You have potential, Jaehyun. And you need to see it, just like how I see it, and how everyone else sees it.” You huffed, and Jaehyun kept his eyes glued to the floor.

You stood up, walking towards him and reached to hold his hands again. “Then how about this…” You started, catching his attention enough to meet your gaze. “I’ll be standing right in front of the stage, and each time you feel that you’re getting nervous, just look at me! Pretend that it’s just another night of you singing to me.” Your words seemed reassuring enough to him, and with that Jaehyun smiled.

“I don’t know if that’ll work—”

“Of course it’ll work! Hasn’t stopped you from performing all those gigs before. Why is this little change suddenly going to make a difference?”

Jaehyun fell silent, and you clicked your tongue. “You’re going to be fine. And if you make a mistake, then it doesn’t matter! You’ll learn, and it won’t be the end of the world! Now can we please go? I don’t want you to miss your own gig.” You laughed, and Jaehyun looked at you with wide, glimmering eyes. Slowly, you watched that smile itch back onto his lips, and those dimples popping out again.

“There’s my guy…” You whispered, as if to yourself, but before Jaehyun could have time to reply, you gripped his hand and rushed out the door.

—○—

The pier seemed more busy at night. With the lights aglow, and laughter filling the air, it was impossible not to feel good. A Ferris wheel wasn’t too far from the bar that Jaehyun was performing in, and he promised you earlier that once he was finished that he’d take you there and you’d enjoy the view together.

Yet it wasn’t the anticipation of going to the Ferris wheel with Jaehyun that made your palms clammy with cold sweat, but the crowded room in the bar shouting and laughing in excitement. Drinks in hand, some bought a beer for a nice Friday night, while some stuck with something more sober so they can enjoy the performance.

The room seemed to have been getting more crowded, enough for you to sweat with all the uncomfortable body heat going around. You glanced at your phone; in ten minutes Jaehyun is supposed to perform with his new band whose name remains unknown to you.

You sigh, stumbling across the crowd to get to the bar, raising a hand to gain their attention, but they seemed to be busy on the other side, where young adults kept shouting requests for shots. A knot forms in your throat before you could attempt to get their attention again. You cleared your throat, sitting on one of the bar stools in defeat, and looked to your side where the stage awaits.

A girl with a guitar was currently performing. Her voice was sweet and sultry, seductive and slow. The way she played guitar looked just as natural to her as breathing. Her eyes fluttered closed, and how she looked reminded you of Jaehyun. How he too would close his eyes and lose himself within the music. It left you to wonder how something like that could feel like.

You cleared your throat, in attempts to snap you out of your strange thoughts. Your jaw clenched, and your hands had tensed up, gripping tightly onto your seat.

Lately you have been surrounded by negative thoughts. Isolating yourself from everything, yet still talking to people with that same, empty smile, just so they don’t suspect you.

It terrified you that you were thinking like this, but you didn’t even know why. To you, it felt like a dark cloud was swirling above your head, the thunder roaring and threatening to bring you rain.

You’d think Jaehyun would help to rid those dark, dull clouds, but the more he gets gigs like this, and the more he continues to follow his dreams, you envy, and realize just how far behind you are falling.

Your eyes wandered around the room, then back at the bar to raise your hand and hope that the bartender can pay attention to you for once, but right when it seemed that they were just ready to ignore your existence yet again, someone next to you had shouted abruptly.

“Hey, can we get some drinks here?” Their voice seemed loud enough, and the bartender flashed a smile and nodded before pouring two cups of beer. Your eyes widened, and the voice instantly sparked something in your mind.

“Taeyong…” You whispered, and despite the constant chatter and shouts of the surrounding people, Taeyong turned to look at you, and smiled.

“Hey stranger, long time no see.”

And then the music had stopped.

[wewillwriteyou]

Friends Will Be Friends || Chapter 25

You are my best friend

A few elements from the main plot: A very special group of friends: early days, drama, laughter, booze, success, rock stars life, girl power, friendship, love, sex, music, misunderstandings, some more drama, family. Pairings in the tags

Summary Chapter 25: John has a hard time processing everything that’s been happening and he has an inspiration for a song...

Word count: 3.1K

Warnings: None! A part of THE HELLA LOAD OF FLUFF. Some curse words and maybe some reference to sexual times eeh what’s new?. You’re safe folks 💕

A/N: Hi folks! This is the last chapter dedicated to songs from A Night At The Opera. It's about our favourite softie, Mr John Deaky Deacon and asdfkfhdkkhs isn’t this the cutest. Let us know what you think, lovesies 💖😏 and as usual, if you like what you read, comment, like, reblog and share this with others! For everyone who follows and supports this story, thank you guys (you know who you are)! You are real stars!⭐💗

The heat of the day had already passed by, leaving its place to a cool breeze that gently stirred the grass fields and made the boy shiver. John was sitting on one of the armchairs in the small patio outside the house, a blanket on his legs and what seemed like a dozen paper sheets surrounding him on the floor.

He sighed huffily and angrily scribbled on the one he was holding and threw it on the floor with the others. He put down the pen on the coffee table beside him and brought his hands to his face, fervently rubbing his eyes.

“Is everything alright, Deaky?” Freddie’s voice brought him back to reality and he turned his face to watch him walk up to the patio and take a seat next to him. Freddie gave him a warm smile and John smiled slightly back before moving his gaze to the garden in front of him, almost completely in the dark.

John tried to think of what to say, a million thoughts running through his mind: Roger and Chrissie, Chelsea and Brian, Melissa and the baby… it all twirled and twisted in his mind and kept him from concentrating on the music he also had in his head but somehow couldn’t manage to get out.

“You’re upset about something, I can tell” Freddie spoke up again, shifting in his seat and crossing his legs, then resting his fist against his temple and the elbow on the back of the chair. He was studying John’s change of expression and John knew he could read him like a book.

He sighed “No Fred, I’m fine” he lied and gave him a small smile “I’m just frustrated I can’t seem to get this song out of this head and into lyrics”

He chuckled slightly and bowed down to pick up some of the sheets he had thrown on the floor, handing them to Freddie.

“Well, do I know what you mean…” Freddie picked them up and started dashing his eyes, then read out loud:

“You're my sunshine and I want you to know

That my feelings are true

I really love you”

John shushed him and whispered “Fred, please tone it down”

“Shit sorry” he whispered, then kept reading as those same words repeated themselves in other phrasings, highlighted or crossed out by the utterly self-critical John.

Freddie looked up to him “It’s about Melissa, isn’t it?”

John nodded “I had the tune to this song stuck in my head for the past week and I’m trying to develop the lyrics but I always come back to those three verses and I don’t have a title yet”

“I guess it’s normal a bit of confusion, Deaky” Freddie fondly smiled “It doesn’t mean the song’s not good”

John looked up to him “You think?”

Freddie chuckled “I do, darling. It’s very sweet and it fits the two of you perfectly” he smiled again and watched him blush a little and look down, smiling to himself.

Freddie wondered what was going on inside his head: he was sure he had more to what he was showing. However he knew him well enough to know that John never answered to direct and abrupt questions and the more you pushed to find out what he was hiding, the more he would close down and push you away. He could be quite stubborn and Freddie knew he would reach out when he felt like he was ready to share.

“How about You’re my sunshine?” he suggested to break the silence.

John thought about it “I guess it works and it makes sense…” he picked up the pen and quickly noted it at the top of the page which contained most of the words “Thanks, Fred”

“No need to thank me, dear” he smiled “How’s it going with you two? You and Melissa I mean… You seem very happy together”

John smiled and Freddie saw his eyes sparkling “We are, Fred. These last few months really soothed the distance we had felt because of the touring in the past year and a half.” John forced down the grin creeping up on his face “We are closer than ever now” You have no idea… he thought.

Freddie looked at him, so immensely proud of the man he had turned out to be. They had known each other for the past four years and they only had five years of age gap, but Freddie had always felt the need to protect him, as an older brother would do. John certainly was the most introvert of the group and Freddie had learned to realize that only with Melissa he could really see him let go of himself.

Freddie patted him on the shoulder “It shows, Deaky, and we couldn’t be happier for the two of you” he smiled sadly to himself: he and Mary had not been that lucky… The spark between them seemed to have had flown by and even if they still loved each other like crazy and surely had a lot of fun together, he could feel that something was going the wrong way.

He turned his attention back to John, who was now studying him thoroughly: please don’t tell me you have something wrong as well, cause I’ll lose it, John was thinking to himself.

Freddie decided not to bother him and just smiled “I’m here when you’ll be ready to share the mess that I’m reading inside your head, Deaks”

John gratefully smiled back and placed his hand on Freddie’s “Thanks Fred”.

“You two look very cute together”

Melissa startled them both appearing from the kitchen door, only wearing her large, pink and white nightgown.

“Geez Mel, I almost shitted myself” Freddie exclaimed, bringing a hand on his chest and abruptly ending the touchy moment with John.

The girl chuckled “Sorry, didn’t mean to scare you two lovebirds”

The boys chuckled too “You know, I’m telling Mary, right?” she added in the end and Freddie forced a giggle.

John’s smile grew wider when she leaned down to place a small kiss on his lips. She then turned to Freddie and jokingly said “See? He’s mine”

Freddie shook his head and chuckled “I would never even dare, my dear”. He got up and stretched his spine, letting out a big yawn “Well well, I think I’ll head to my rooms, lovesies”

“Goodnight Fred” John said chuckling, as Melissa blew him a kiss. He waved at them while entering the house and closing the door behind him.

Melissa turned to John and walked around the chair to seat in his lap and circle his neck with an arm. John had managed in the meanwhile to gather the paper sheets and lay them on the table with the last page on the front, so that she couldn’t read it.

“What were you writing?” she curiously asked.

“Just some papers, and something I’m working on for the album…” John knew her too well and had prepared such an answer, expecting her questions.

The girl grinned “Can I read it?”

“Of course not” John chuckled seeing her pouting like a child “Honey, you’ll read it as soon as it’s finished. Now it’s just garbage…”

Melissa squared him up and down “Deacon, you’re telling me something that’s not right… Do you have any confessions to make?”

John chuckled “I only tell the truth, dear, I swear” he crossed his fingers in front of her face. But there are so many things I haven’t talked to you about… he thought. And he realized he could take that chance to ask Melissa something: whether she had an idea of any sort about what could have possibly gone wrong with Chelsea and Roger to the point that he had looked for comfort in Chrissie.

He almost didn’t say anything, but thought that after all, Melissa was the one person he could truly trust and to whom he could tell anything.

“Actually, I have something to tell you… well to ask you” Mel’s giggles stopped.

“What is it, honey?”

John took a deep breath “Okay, you have to promise not to tell anyone about this, alright?”

Mel chuckled “I think I’m pretty good at keeping secrets” she placed a hand on her belly and cheekily smiled at him, earning a soft chuckle from the boy.

“Right right…” he began “Have you talked to your brother recently?”

Melissa frowned “So this is about Roger?”

John nodded.

“Not that much, no… What should have we talked about?”

John was staring at her intently, pondering whether to accuse him directly or gradually let her get to the problem “Do you know that he and Chelsea are gonna move in together?”

“Yes of course he’s told me that… and if he hadn’t, Chelsea practically only talked about it for days after she had seen the house”

“Right…” he brought a hand to his face and mindlessly rubbed his chin, looking for the right words.

Melissa puffed and broke the silence “John will you get to the point?”

“What do you know about him and Chrissie?”

“Roger and Chrissie?” Melissa had thought of any possible thing John was about to say: she had not expected that. “What do you mean? In grade school? Yeah they kissed one time, Chrissie told us on Christmas’ Eve two years ago, remember?”

John regretfully nodded “Yeah I do remember that… game” he chuckled and she followed suit “But I was wondering if you knew more to that story and…” he gathered the forces “…if you had noticed something unusual about them.”

Melissa furrowed her eyebrows “I don’t know anything dear” she studied his face “Did you notice something?”

John locked eyes with her and bit his bottom lip, suddenly regretting having brought it up “I kinda… uhm… kinda saw them really close lately”

Melissa was speechless. He continued “I’m feeling awful just saying this out loud, but I had to confess it to someone”

“It’s okay, dear. I’m here to hear you out but… Are you actually saying… Roger’s cheating on Chel? With Chrissie?”. She couldn’t believe her ears “Honey, that’s a pretty though accusation… are you sure?”

John sighed “I’m not sure of anything anymore, Mel… all I see is confusing and I’m always afraid I’m misunderstanding something…” he covered his face with his hands “I just want to see through all this, I want to spare everyone from any possible danger or suffering” he thought out loud, surprising even himself of the sudden, openhearted revelation.

Melissa’s frown melted and she grabbed his hands in hers, smiling kindly to him “John you can’t always hold the weight of it all on your shoulders… things are gonna clear out without you worrying about it” she said, cupping his jaw with a hand.

“Besides” she added “I think this might just be a misunderstanding… they are gonna sort it out anyway, you’ll see” she concluded, hoping she was right. She knew Chrissie well enough to know she would never interpose with such a strong relationship as Rog and Chelsea had. She also knew Roger and, although he had been quite the player in his early twenties, she knew he loved that brunette with his whole heart (and possibly even more). I really hope you’re wrong darling, she thought, because if you’re right this will end in a bloodbath.

“I hope you’re right my love” John voiced her worries, but she smiled again, forcing her doubts to retreat inside her mind and convincing herself she had to be right.

She leaned down to place a long, soft kiss on his lips. When they parted she rested her forehead on his and cupped his cheeks with both her hands “Will you come to bed now?”

John slightly nodded and gave her a quick peck on the cheek, before letting her down his lap and getting up from the chair.

“Go ahead, I’ll get rid of these papers”

She tilted her head “If you don’t come to bed, you know I’ll come out here again to drag you by the ear, right?”

John chuckled “Yes Miss” he saluted her and earned another passionate kiss.

When she pulled back he was quite surprised “I should definitely call you Miss more often” he grinned and leaned in for another kiss, but Melissa soon broke it off, stepping away and playfully grinning back.

“Come with me and we’ll see what happens” she stepped inside the house without looking back.

John chuckled again and shook his head, blushing at the thought of how much she enjoyed playing… who’s in charge. While he gathered the stack of papers, he thought that conversation with Melissa had actually helped him getting rid of some of the tension he had stored in the last week, since he had found out about the baby, he had almost confronted Roger and had caught Brian and Chelsea in a perfectly odd situation but had missed the chance of telling them what was worrying him.

Looking back, he thought it had been better that way: Melissa had the strange power of always calming him down. She always made him feel like home. I’m so happy when I’m with her. When I’m home, he thought and something in his mind clicked.

He hurried to seat down at the coffee table and began jotting down lyrics as they came to his mind like a river flowing. The melody had straightened out in his head and he wrote down some chords to keep track of it.

Once he was done, he picked it up and smiled to himself, taken aback by the ecstasy of the moment. He took the papers from the table and headed inside the house.

***

When she opened her eyes the room was already fully lighted by the morning light. Melissa lazily rubbed her eyes and stretched out her arms, letting them fall on either side of the bed.

In that moment she realized she was alone in the room: John had followed her suit to bed the night before and had fallen asleep hugging her from behind. His side of the bed was cold so he must have gotten up quite some time ago, she thought. She seated on the mattress and looked for her watch: it only was nine in the morning so she had not overslept. She thought to herself that John must have had gone to the barn to get some breakfast.

She got up from the bed and wrapped a long-sleeved cardigan above her loose nightgown, she wore her slippers and headed to the ground floor. The house was completely absorbed in silence and she wondered where the hell was everyone.

She crossed the small yard and entered the barn, walking down the corridor that led to the kitchen. Some muffled voices were coming from inside the room and when she opened the door she found nine pair of eyes staring at her.

She felt like a deer under the flashlights of a car “What’s going on?” she nervously asked to the people who couldn’t seem to take their eyes off of her. She instinctively curled up more inside the cardigan.

“C’mon guys why are you all staring at me?”

They exchanged quick glances but nobody spoke up. She looked for John’s eyes and she found him with the biggest smile on his face. He climbed down the stool he had been sitting on to walk towards her; Brian took his seat and adjusted his guitar on his thigh: he was smiling as well.

“Okay do you all have a paralysis? Why the hell are you grinning like that?” she asked again and some chuckles lifted from the small group.

John placed his hands on her shoulders “I have something for you” he said once again with a smile.

Melissa moved her gaze among the group of people and they all were staring at her with dreamy eyes and stupid smiles on their faces. Do they know? She wondered, as her blood froze inside her veins, a hand instinctively going to her belly to cover it with the cardigan.

John realized what she might have thought and ever so slightly he shook his head, hoping the others had not noticed “You have to listen to something…” he said instead.

He made her sit down on a stool and went up to Freddie to pick two paper sheets and handing them to Melissa. She was soon surrounded by the girls, who patted on her shoulder and squeezed her arms in excitement, looking at her with loving eyes.

“You all are scaring me, I hope you know that” Melissa exhaled and she made them chuckle.

She focused on the words written on the first line and underlined three times: You’re my best friend.

Brian started playing and she looked up to meet his smiling eyes, Roger beside him blew her a kiss and fondly smiled at her. Freddie was next to him and he had some sheets in his hands: he winked at her and started singing:

Ooh, you make me live

Whenever this world is cruel to me

I got you to help me forgive

Ooh, you make me live now honey

You're the first one

When things turn out bad

You know I'll never be lonely

You're my only one

And I love the things

I really love the things that you do

I'm happy at home

Ooh, you're my best friend

Melissa followed the lyrics on the paper and as she listened to the beautiful song and Freddie’s wonderful voice, she brought a hand to cover her mouth.

When the song ended, she had watery eyes and she couldn’t stop staring at John. He walked towards her and the girls stepped back to give them some space.

“What do you think?” John asked with a big smile.

Melissa sniffled and smiled back “It’s beautiful, honey” she wrapped her arms around him and he held her tight, nuzzling his nose on her neck and inhaling the scent of her hair.

“I’m so glad you do” he whispered pulling away from the hug to place his hands on both sides of her waist.

When she leaned in to kiss him, she realized the whole group was still staring at them. She glanced at the small party that was crowding the kitchen and raised her eyebrows “Do you mind guys?” she asked, hoping they would get the hint and piss off.

“Not at all darling” Freddie replied and gestured them to go on.

Melissa rolled her eyes and gave John a small peck on the lips, too embarrassed by the inappropriate amount of eyes looking at them, among which there also were her brother’s.

The group went ‘aww’ anyway and they all started chuckling and chitchatting, bringing things back to normality.

As Melissa scooped her eyes around the kitchen, with John by her side, she realized that in that very room were concentrated all the most important people of her life and in that moment she felt like she had everything she needed.

-

Chapters: ⤎ previous | next ⤏ 

A/N: We know. We’re crying as well. Hope you liked it folks 💗 we’re gonna tag the lovely people who read, liked and commented the previous chapters. If you want to be tagged in the next one, comment under this one or leave us a message. Our inboxes are always open for you beautiful people

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Cheers, folks! ✌

[flyaway-33]

Yesterday-- (Roger Taylor x Reader)

Summary: Pre-Smile Era. You and Roger are best friends with benefits after having met at a dorm meeting the first night at university. The two of you navigate the newfound freedom of life away from home and learn more about each other and yourselves than you ever expected. 2.6k words.

Warnings: hints of smut, language, fluff.

Disclaimer: This is only a work of fiction. Song lyrics— Yesterday by The Beatles.

A/N: If anyone reads this, I would like to know what you think. I had a lot of fun writing this bit and would like to continue it if it gets any response.

You yawned and stretched, staring up at the rays of sun filtering in through the haphazardly bent window shades, highlighting the particles of dust that floated up by the drab, gray ceiling. Your body was squished against the cinderblock wall of the boys’ dormitory, once again sharing a twin sized bed with your fuck buddy, who also happened to be your best friend in the world.

Peeking your head over the mess of dark blond hair that was your friend Roger, you noted that his roommate had not yet returned from the weekend. This prompted you to elbow the naked, sleeping body beside you hard enough to tip him over the side of the bed.

“Argh!” He bellowed, crashing to the cold, linoleum floor as you cackled deviously. “Damnit, Y/N, what did you do that for!?” He pulled himself up on the bed frame and climbed back into the sheets, huddling for warmth. The cool, autumn air outside often made for chilly mornings in the poorly insulated dorm room.

“Just giving you a rude awakening.” You laughed as you snuggled under the blankets, stealing them from him. He deserved it after the awakening he’d given you last week where he’d loudly crashed his hi-hat beside your head as you snoozed. It was one of the pieces of his beloved drum kit he couldn’t fit in the back of his closet and he claimed he had to put it to good use if it wasn’t going to be stored. It was a recent morning ritual for you two that they first person to wake up would play a prank on the other to wake them up, and it was a direct result of the goofy, open, no-strings-attached relationship you shared. You had never had a friend like him before where you felt like you could completely and wholly be yourself, and you loved that he matched your goofiness, ditziness, and intelligence perfectly, though he sometimes amazed you with how thoughtful and down to earth he could be half the time, while being an absolute asshole other times. You’d become friends the very first night of college and had been joined at the hip ever since.

*** Flashback ***

You nervously leaned against the wall, wringing your hands as dozens of other sweaty, exhausted college students filed into the lobby of your new building. Move-in day had been tiring for everyone and there had hardly been enough time to think of the fact that you were away from home, living on your own with no one to answer to for the first time ever. Your pretty, blonde roommate, Amy, stood beside you, surveying the area like a hawk seeking her prey. She was a gorgeous biology major who hoped to become a veterinarian and you felt that you were pretty but average compared to her, though you already loved her personality. You hoped the two of you would become good friends this year, but you were nervous to live in such close quarters with so many other people.

The RA’s eventually called for order and gave their speech about the dorm rules and common courtesies. It felt like it took forever for them to go over basic life skills such as remembering to lock your door, take out your trash, and do your laundry, and you rolled your eyes when one of the RA’s said she was offering laundry lessons. Once they came to the end of their lecture, they encouraged socialization and the crowd dispersed, some running back to their rooms and others remaining behind to mingle. You gritted your teeth and forced yourself to stay. No matter how much fun meeting new people could be when they were nice and welcoming, you felt awkward and out of place in a room full of equally awkward strangers. Amy had started chatting with a few other girls who were whispering to each other, pointing at random boys around the room. Standing there alone you began to panic, hating being the odd man out, and you searched the room with your eyes for another loner who looked friendly enough to approach.

There he was, standing against a support column, his legs crossed and a pair of aviator sunglasses shading his eyes. He was skinny as could be but fit and was wearing a pair of white jeans with a black polo and purple high-top converse. His dark blond hair fell to just around his jawline and sprawled in messy tufts around his face. He took his sunglasses off to reveal large, stunningly blue eyes. You felt something stir in your chest as you made eye contact across the room, and though normally you would be panicking over how to start a conversation with a stranger with no topic to begin with you felt a calm wash over you as you began to make your way over. Something about his soft, baby face and kind, intelligent eyes told you that you didn’t have to be nervous.

“Hi there, darling.” He began, his voice surprisingly high and airy. “Name’s Roger.” He stuck out his hand and gave you a warm smile.

“I’m Y/N. Nice to meet you, Roger.” You took his hand and marveled at its warmth, but it was rough, making your mind wonder what kind of things he did to make them that way. Did he work? Maybe he was a mechanic or a construction worker. Maybe he worked on a farm. You were already curious about this handsome boy’s life, just from a handshake.

“Sorry if I’m awkward,” you sighed, dropping his hand after having held it a moment longer than necessary. “If I’m being honest, I don’t have any friends yet and you looked nice enough to give it a go.” You joked, a smile coming to your lips as you shamelessly admitted your reason for approaching him, hoping he got your self-deprecating humor.

“That’s alright, love. I haven’t any friends here myself. Glad to hear I look nice.” He raised his eyebrows and smirked at the way he managed to twist your words, and your cheeks reddened despite the giggle that escaped your lips.

The conversation began the usual way, what’s your major, interests, where are you from, etc. You learned that he was a pre-dental major but that he really didn’t care for dentistry, but rather was interested in the science behind it and the potential to make money; he was a drummer for a band back home in Cornwall and had brought his drum kit to university. It was now shoved in his closet, so he said. So that’s why his hands were so rough. He learned that you were an art major, that you liked to paint and sing, and that you were from Surrey.

Music was what sparked the deepening of your conversation. Jimi Hendrix, the Beatles, the Rolling Stones, Led Zeppelin, Pink Floyd, and on and on. You found he was extremely intelligent and had a deep understanding of the way the music was recorded, how the songs were sung, and why it worked. He was fascinating to listen to, as you had never thought about the complexities before.

The two of you sat at one of the study tables in the lobby and talked for hours, and by the time you noticed how late it was, it was well past the time you should have been in bed, having class the following morning. He was reluctant to let you go, so he enthusiastically invited you to come to his dorm to listen to an album, and though you were cautious of all the warnings your parents had given you, you absolutely did not want to let this treasure slip through your fingers, so you followed him down a first floor hallway to his room. “Just one album, Rog.” A nickname for him already.

One album, then two, then a third, the two of you laying opposite directions on his soft, blue bedspread, listening, chatting, giggling about the things you heard and the thoughts you shared. You had never been so comfortable so fast with someone before in your life, and he didn’t pressure you for anything, much to your surprise.

The first week flew by and the two of you couldn’t go a day without seeing each other. He distracted you from the homesickness and the loneliness you felt whilst sitting in your drab dorm room. He found every excuse to talk to you, and invited you to coffee, to work on school stuff together, to listen to and talk about music, and you reciprocated, loving how easy he was to be around. The level of comfort you felt was as if you’d known him forever. You’d found a best friend, something you hadn’t had in years.

*** End Flashback ***

“Oh, come off it,” he groaned snapping you back to reality, tugging the blanket back over himself but still allowing you to keep half. “It’s bloody freezing!”

“Wanna heat it up?” You asked, rolling over to straddle him over the blanket.

He gazed up at you, momentarily stunned by your boldness, and his eyes took on a flame of lust as he studied your form in awe. “Hell yeah.” he near whispered, still stunned.

“Too bad!” You pecked him on the tip of his nose before rolling off him and began collecting the clothes you had discarded on the floor the night before.

“Ugh, you’re killing me.” Roger groaned as he rolled over onto his side to face you. “Can’t we just go one more round?”

You studied him: the way his blue eyes sparkled mischievously, how his soft hair fell in his face and framed him beautifully, he was like a painting of a Greek god. “Well…” you began, trailing off as you tried to fight back a smile.

“Come on, at least stay a bit.” He scooted back against the wall where you had been and patted the space beside him. “I need someone to keep me warm.”

His charm was irresistible, and your resolve crumbled. The clothes fell out of your arms, abandoned once more as you slipped back under the covers. Roger’s smile dazzled you, and you stared into his deep baby blue eyes as he studied your expression. He brought his thumb up to trace the corner of your mouth and he sighed in contentment.

“Come on, Rog. What, did you bring me back to bed just to gawk?” You teased lightly, biting your bottom lip seductively.

Without another word his eyes traveled down the bit of your body he could see through the gap in the covers and he pulled you closer, his warm hands on your hips. “Warm me up, Roger.” You breathed against his neck before nipping it gently. Then your kisses trailed to his lips and caught his bottom lip in your teeth playfully, and pressed yours to his, inviting him in. His hands wondered and he grabbed your leg to hitch it over his hip, his calloused hand running the length of it sensually.

It wasn’t rushed or selfish. Over the past two and a half months you had both learned each other’s personalities, wants, and needs as if they were your own, and that day three weeks ago where you’d finally made the agreement you’d been contemplating for weeks prior had been one of the best days of your life, despite the stress you’d been feeling at the time.

*** Flashback ***

It wasn’t until midterms came around that the fuck buddy arrangement developed out of the stress your schoolwork caused you both.

“What’s wrong, love?” Roger asked, watching you crumple up yet another piece of paper that should have been the start of your essay.

“I can’t bloody focus!” You spat, throwing the paper ball aggressively at the wall of Roger’s room where you had been holed up studying all day. “I can’t do this, Rog, I came here to learn more about how to make my art better, not to write essays about the history of medieval scribbles!” Tears of pent up frustration began to well in your eyes and you swiped at them furiously.

Roger cautiously got to his feet and walked around the desk. He rested his hands on your tense shoulders, coming to hover behind you as he gently began to massage out the tension. “Relax, love.” He hummed, and you nearly melted at his touch. He began to hum a familiar tune and you immediately recognized it and began to sing along to his sweet sound.

“Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away

Now it looks as though they're here to stay

Oh, I believe in yesterday”

He pulled you to your feet and twirled you around as your voices harmonized perfectly. By no means was he the best dancer, but the simple act had all your cares beginning to get pushed to the back of your mind. As you reached the end of the song you were producing together you placed your hands on either side of his face, rubbing your thumbs over his soft cheeks, gazing into his blue eyes.

“Rog.”

“Yes, love?”

“You’re my best friend.”

“Oh.” His eyes lost a touch of sparkle for a split second, but it immediately returned. “You mean that?”

“Yes.”

“And you are my best friend. You make this hell hole of a school bearable.”

“So, do you. Roger?”

“Yes?”

“I have an idea… if it’s not okay we can totally forget I said it.” Your thumb traveled softly to the corner of his mouth and hesitated.

“Okay?” Confusion was painted clearly on his features as he met your gaze, a line forming between his furrowed eyebrows.

“Weshouldbefuckbuddies.” You said in one breath and squeezed your eyes shut, fearing his response.

And of course, he started laughing and your heart wrenched.

“Okay, okay. Let’s just forget it. I’m sorry.” You babbled, pulling away.

“No! No, I’m sorry! I just didn’t expect that from you. Is there a reason you’re suggesting this?” He pulled you back to him and his excited mischievous smile dazzled you.

“I, uh…” you trailed off, unsure of yourself, and looked down to study the stitches of your shoes. “Truthfully, I think we both could use the stress relief. I’ve never felt so comfortable with another human before in my life, and we’re with each other all the time. It doesn’t need to be anything serious at all. Just casual. Just two best friends helping each other get off. Nothing has to change. So why not?” You were starting to ramble and bit your lip to stop yourself.

“I actually think that’s a great idea.”

“Really?” You asked, hopefully, meeting his eyes once more. They were warm, welcoming, and now darkened with something you’d never noticed in them before.

Lust.

He nodded silently and began to move you backward slowly until your back hit the side of his bed as your heart began to beat double time and the breath left your body. His tongue flitted out to wet his lips as he began to lean in. Centimeters from your neck, he paused. “You sure, love?”

“Yes. Please.” You whimpered, feeling the desire intensify inside of you, and he pressed his lips to your neck softly.

The rest was history.

*** End Flashback ***

A/N: I hope you enjoyed! please let me know if you’d like another chapter! I have a plan for this one... 

[thepinkwriterr]

Loner // IT 2017 Chapter Twenty - Four

Billy Joel - Vienna

--

 Slow down, you crazy child And take the phone off the hook and disappear for awhile It's all right, you can afford to lose a day or two When will you realize, Vienna waits for you? And you know that when the truth is told That you can get what you want or you can just get old You're gonna kick off before you even get half through

Why don't you realize, Vienna waits for you?

//

Kali's POV

Saturday mornings mean breakfast with James.

I got out last weekend saying I had to study with Beverly. I can't fuck him on it this weekend, so I guess I have to tough it out.

I threw on a sweater along with some jeans. It was a brisk morning, but still a little cold. I made my way to my car, sighing as I opened the door. I would rather die than sit across from James and pretend again.

The drive there was filled with nothing but music. I didn't sing along, I didn't think, I didn't even sing the lyrics in my head. I just looked out at the road and followed the signs.

"Hey babe." I heard behind me. I slapped on a smile,"Hey." I mirrored his actions. "What can I getcha kids?" The waitress asked.

I ended up getting a waffle and some juice. James got the same, but with some toast. "So," He swallowed a sip of his juice,"How's school?"

I shrugged,"It's okay," The waitress set out food in front of us as I spoke,"I guess." He cut into waffle while I stared at mine. "Howa-how's school for you?" Had I forgotten how to converse like a normal person?

"It's pretty good. Passed my exam." He grinned. "That's great!" I genuinely cared for James and wanted to see him prosper, but this pretending was putting a damper on everything.

"Any progress with Richie?" He asked, snapping me from my thoughts. I realized that I had been staring off into space for a few minutes. "Uh-no..." I answered, looking away, scratching the back of my neck.

The rest of the breakfast was bleak. We had resorted to small talk again, like when he was just Dani's older brother. I hated that it had panned out like this, but it was a result of drifting apart, I guess.

He looked at his watch, sighing. "Well, I gotta go. I have a seminar in twenty minutes." I stood, meeting him in a hug. "I'll see you later." He kissed my forehead. "See ya."

I bolted to my car door, slamming it behind me. I took a lot of time to think on the way home. The end result of my cathartic epiphany was that I was a terrible person, and I should probably get my shit together.

All that time wasted on thinking. For that? That conclusion? God, I'm falling apart.

Danielle's POV

Monday came looming around after a boring, dreary Sunday. I got ready, throwing on shorts and a striped shirt. I was ungrounded this afternoon, so I was given my cassette rights back.

Boyz-N-The-Hood played through the speakers of my headphones. I nodded along to the music as I walked down the street. My car rights were still revoked, so I had to walk to and from school.

School was boring, as usual. Eddie and I worked together in History, and that was the highlight of my day. And now, I get to sit in detention with Richie! Yay!

I sighed as I opened the door. I saw the infamous head of thick, black curls. The sight made my heart melt every time I saw them. I sat in my usual seat, pulling out my homework. I started filling out English sheets.

I slipped on my headphones, hearing the piano fill through my head. Slow down, you crazy child. You're so ambitious for a juvenile

But then if you're so smart, then tell me, why are you still so afraid?

Where's the fire, what's the hurry about? You'd better cool it off before you burn it out

You've got so much to do and only so many hours in a day

But you know that when the truth is told; That you can get what you want or you get old

You're gonna kick off before you even get halfway through

When will you realize, Vienna waits for you?

Humming along to the tune I did my best to compete my math problems. I was a little distracted, as the words to the song were infectious. Slow down, you crazy child. Take the phone off the hook and disappear for awhile?

I sang that part aloud.

"Why don't you realize, Vienna waits for you?" I heard from behind me. I turned as the song changed. The gentle strum of an acoustic guitar began.

"Ground Control to Major Tom...Ground Control to Major Tom..." I sang. "Take your protein pills and put your helmet on." Richie sang back. I sat the headphones on a desk, music pouring through the speakers and into the air.

"Ground Control to Major Tom

Commencing countdown, engines on...

Check ignition and may God's love be with you ..." Richie finished the line. "This is Ground Control to Major Tom! You've really made the grade and the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!" I sang back to him.

"Now, it's time to leave the capsule if you dare

This is Major Tom to Ground Control, I'm stepping through the door

And I'm floating in a most peculiar way, and the stars look very different today..." He looked at my knowingly as he sang in his deep voice.

"For here, am I sitting in a tin can

Far above the world

Planet Earth is blue, and there's nothing I can do..." As we sang I had gotten closer. When I sang the final words of my line I was centimeters from his face.

The solo crooned from the headphones behind us. My eyes darted from his eyes to lips, then back again. He pressed his lips together, shaking his head lightly. We stared into each others eyes until the song ended. Next up was America.

"Kathy, I'm lost," I said, though I knew she was sleeping

I'm empty and aching and I don't know why

Counting the cars on the New Jersey Turnpike

They've all come to look for America

All come to look for America." I sang softly my favorite section of the song.

His stupid watch beeped as She's Always a Woman started.

But he didn't move, he just sat and looked to me.

Kali's POV

I spent the whole thinking of our sleepover. And, most importantly, avoiding Beverly.

"Prefect." She smiled, sitting Indian style in the middle of my rug. I joined her, sitting across from the redhead. "So... you wanna play a game?" She asked. "Of course." I smirked. "Truth or dare?" "Sure."

"Truth or dare?" She asked. "Hmm...Truth. Imma start easy." She laughed. "Alright...uh...Do you have a crush?" I thought for a minute. "Yes." "Really? While dating James? Scandalous!"

I shrugged,"Who's to say it isn't James?" Her face fell serious. "Who is it?" "Ah, ah, ah!" I wagged my finger in her face,"One question only!"

"Truth or dare?" I asked. "Dare!" She smirked. "Hmm...I dare you to...crank call Jake." We both giggled, rushing down to the phone. "Hello?" I heard his groggy voice through the receiver.

"Hello? Yes-is this Jake Marsh?" "Yeah..." "This is Dr. Teagues, from the STD clinic," She faked a deep voice,"I'm afraid to inform you that the test results came back positive."

"I don't know what you're talking about..." He responded, baffled. "Your girlfriend has chlyamidia, sir." She then hung up the phone, sending both of us into a fit of giggles.

"Okay, truth or dare?" She asked. "Uh...Dare...." She smirked, rubbing her hands together. "Finally! Muhahaha!" She faked a manical laugh. "I dare...you...to... bum a cigarette." Her smirk stood strong. I sighed,"Fine..."

I coughed as I inhaled. I hated the feeling of the thick smoke filling my lungs. "Not like that," She plucked the cig from me,"Like this." She stuck it in between her lips and inhaled.

She stuck it back in between my wide lips. "See..." She looked into my eyes, trailing off as I inhaled again. I pulled the cigarette from my lips and exhaled.

Grabbing the back of my head, she pressed her lips into mine. Her lips were soft and inviting, like I could grow flowers between the two rosey pods.

Thought the entire day I dreaded seeing her. I didn't even want to say her name. But god, did I miss her laugh.

Danielle's POV

"She is frequently kind,

And she's suddenly cruel

She can do as she pleases,

She's nobody's fool

But she can't be convicted,

She's earned her degree

And the most she will do

Is throw shadows at you,

But she's always a woman to me..." We sang whilst looking deeply into each other's eyes.

His singing made me fall in love with him... I just knew it...

Kali's POV

I saw her walk past me. I ignored her, pretending to retrieve something from my bag.

When I sat across from her during lab groups I felt nothing. Upon looking at her lovely cheek bones I felt everything.

What was happening to me? I looked up at her again, counting the freckles dotting across her face.