#not like id ever be vulnerable irl but. Fuck

[acebytaemin]

no one’s ever actually wanted to like date me all i get are dudes looking to. Well idk what bc i don’t let them come in a 2 meter radius of me but you know what i mean. And it kinda sucks -___-

[1hyunjae]

[superchat]

if you are mentally ill (which, no offense, seems to be the case) then it makes sense to me that you'd have times where your coping mechanisms won't be enough, that's what support systems are for. i hope you have some people in your life you can turn to for help and care. im just a rando on the internet but i hope that you'll continue to live no matter how bad it gets, no one has taste in horror content like you

undiagnosed on everything i have. but i 100% have something. no one irl knows what i am like. at best they can infer i have depression + MAYBE some kind of autism but these are conversations i have never had with someone irl.

not meant to be a "woe is me" my mom has a few times in the past asked me if i ever deal with depression and that is a topic im way to uncomfortable to ever hold with her, or any of my family

the most vulnerable convo ive had was with my friend a couple weeks ago where i talked abt how id like to live without agency or responsibility and that i havent enjoyed life for at least 8 years now, but thats abt as deep as it got. kinda stayed on the philosophical level and not the personal

all that to say, if i hit a breaking point, i think i would be fucked

[fukozawa]

venting just ignore me // tw: weight, sui, sh

i really wish i had a therapist

I havent had a therapist since i was 15 over a decade ago. And even then i didn’t want to be there and didn’t take advantage of how much of a privilege it was

I don’t think ill ever be able to be vulnerable with anyone in my life. I don’t think ill ever not feel like a burden. And if that ever goes away it’ll surely be after years of therapy which i don’t and won’t have access to for the foreseeable future

Anytime I’m faced with the opportunity to open up or ask for a listening ear, I’m fully paralyzed from seeking that out. Its like right before i take that step, right as my foot is about to touch the shaky ground of opening up to someone that wants to be there for me, its like my own subconscious flings me backwards through midair and everything i wanted to say is blank and i physically cant utter the words. Its like all the feelings that made me want to seek out help in the first place suddenly disappear and I’m miraculously totally fine and not sure why I needed to reach out in the first place and waste anyones time or emotional energy.

Theres always this underlying feeling that i don’t matter and i can easily disappear from peoples lives and they wouldn’t notice, so why make them become further invested in my issues when I’m basically nonexistent as it is. Obviously its the avoidant attachment style but to an extreme. I don’t have to avoid people when i constantly feel like others are avoiding me. And especially avoiding my feelings, which have oftentimes been too heavy for others to carry.

Ive never had a irl friend who would just listen to me and be emotionally intelligent enough to not project their own ideas onto me, but who knew how to allow their presence be the comfort that i needed.

I cant stop myself from diverting the attention away from myself and focusing on other peoples problems or worries in order to avoid having to talk about my own.

In reality i could literally talk about myself and my constant self analysis for hours, theres so much that ive reflected on and so much i could use external insight on, but by the time i scratch the tip of the iceberg, the intrusive thought of being a burden/waste of time/emotional drain on those around me is too powerful to ever scratch the surface of what really goes on with me. Even on tumblr i try not to vent here as often as id like bc its literally so embarrassing being a human and having to have human emotions like literally so annoying i hate having to subject anyone to this.

Tho if im honest I’m lonelier than ive ever been and nothing is more affirming of my trauma and need for community than how expertly I’m able to isolate myself so diligently. Thats just one of the ways I’m able to self harm without anyone noticing. Another big way lately has been depriving myself of sleep, i cant stop myself. The feeling of being so ridiculously tired that i cant help but pass out is the best feeling ever cuz it means not a moment is spent with my own thoughts. I know its hurting me so much, bc my head screams at me with some of the worst headaches (which i realized recently are likely migraines) but its part of the sh i guess. When it gets too unbearable i just take some pain medicine and i can go about my day. Burning eye sockets are a lot easier to ignore than a radiating pounding skull.

Ive become so unhealthy but i don’t care. Sadly I’m skinny so no one questions it. I’m severely underweight but restricting food intake is another way i subtly self harm. I think its obvious but my parents are too self centered to notice and if they do notice they clearly don’t think its enough of a concern to mention to me. Its not actually on purpose tho, i have arfid due to being autistic and making myself a meal thats not instant ramen is literal fucking hell on earth and feels like I’m trying to run through waste deep water. I never have an appetite and the act of even having to eat at all is exhausting/draining. I hate food and if i could survive on vibes & Dr Pepper alone without having to eat food id be more than happy. I constantly have anxiety that there’s something seriously wrong with my body but id never know because my body is constantly being put through the wringer, experiencing such regular levels of discomfort/pain its impossible for me to acknowledge which of my bodies signals are truly dire.

Living with my mother is slowly killing me but i have no way out due to crippling levels of anxiety and absolutely zero energy to care for myself enough to be able to take action on things that would benefit my future self. It doesnt help that it feels like the world is ending and feeling like i may not have a lot of time left anyways so might as well spend my life in bed miserable under the covers starving and malnourished, cuz its the only thing I’m good at.

I feel like I’m always in some sort of dissociative state that i don’t know how to turn off. I try to ground myself and it just comes right back. When it comes to my emotional state i have absolutely zero support system and its hard to not feel like everyone is better off not having to deal with my bullshit drama. Its hard not to feel like I’m making all this up and just being dramatic, like I’m faking all of this and i bet if i wasnt such a coward I wouldn’t have all these issues.

A part of me is jealous of the people who took their lives already. They were powerful people. I wish i could be like them. And not have to deal with the pain of existing as an autistic gay person who never felt truly seen. As terrifying as that is thats all ive ever wanted, for someone to genuinely want to See me and Understand me. Cuz up to this point in my life ive gone out of my way for others to make sure they feel understood, but not once has anyone put that same energy towards me. Which is why I’m hesitant to continue trying to form new close relationships, whats the point when all my prior experiences have shown how little most people give a shit about forming lasting strong connections that stand the test of time. Even the bare minimum of asking someone to educate themselves on the autistic experience so they can begin to try understand my experience, is somehow too much to ask and too high of an expectation.

Anyways I’m done venting for now and its finally time for me to sleep after being awake for 24+ hrs lmao k bye

[4kominato]

A/N: just thought id write something a little more realistic to what id possibly do irl... the whole sex thing aint really my vibe (i admit, it is nice in fics though). its a bit ironic how soft and understanding ive portrayed Mei here 🙃 but idk, my brain really liked him for this fantasy for some reason ~ kuri

Pairing: Narumiya Mei x Fem!Reader

Genre: Fluff? Smut? (me… expressing my feelings?) - SEXUAL CONTENT

to save you all from disappointment...

[[ OVERVIEW ]] vibrator, male masturbation, fem!voyeurism

Word Count: 1,752

Today is one of those days that you just want to feel good. With the stress of school and work starting to pile up, you decide to reserve some time for yourself to relax and unravel on a day that your boyfriend said he’d be back late. Having been in just an oversized t-shirt and your panties all day, you don’t bother to undress, simply pressing the bullet vibrator that Mei had gifted to you a few months ago for your two year anniversary over the thin material of your underwear and letting the powerful toy effortlessly do its job. The bundle of nerves unravelling in your core has your toes curled and thighs quivering in anticipation of your much needed high, but you’re alarmed by the sound of footsteps approaching the door, making you scramble to turn off the noisy device.

“I’m home!” your vivacious boyfriend announces as he emerges through the bedroom door, “I was able to get out of practice early today!”

“O-oh! That’s good!” you answer nervously, watching as Mei changes out of his uniform and into more casual clothes. After tossing his practice wear into the nearest hamper, he immediately joins you in bed and pulls you into a quick kiss as a greeting.

“So what did you do today?” he asks, nuzzling his nose against your cheek.

“Uh, not much honestly…” you mutter, awkwardly averting eye contact with the painstakingly oblivious boy.

“Did you at least enjoy your day off?”

“Mm… I suppose…”

Finally picking up on your uncomfortable body language, Mei scoots away from you with a worried look and asks, “What’s wrong? Is everything okay?”

“I’m fine!” you quickly assure, feigning a smile in hopes that he’ll drop the issue, but he doesn't. Pouting at you, he reaches out to hold your hand which is balled in a tight fist to conceal your bullet, considering you had nowhere else to hide it with Mei barging in so suddenly.

“Why are you clenching your fist?” he questions, caressing your whitened knuckles with his thumb, “Are you hurt?” Pursing your lips, you remain silent and unwilling to provide an answer for a brief moment, but when you meet his troubled gaze, you feel the concern radiating from his bright blue orbs and can’t help but feel bad for making him anxious over something so miniscule. Letting out a deep sigh you finally uncurl your fingers, releasing the cylindrical piece of plastic into your lover’s palm, which he recognizes immediately seeing how his eyes widen in shock.

“I was using it just before you came in…” you disclose quietly, unable to look at him directly.

“Oh… I’m sorry,” he replies immediately and places the novelty back into your care, “You should have said something earlier. I would’ve left you alone.”

“I didn’t want to just kick you out… Having you home early was a nice surprise.”

“Well, I’ll leave you to it now then, alright? I’m going to start preparing dinner.”

Just as he climbs off of the bed, you blurt a quick “Wait!” before he can leave the bedside and you wrap your arms around his waist, burying your face into his chest. “Stay.”

Letting out a soft chuckle, he strokes the back of your head with one hand and holds you in a tight embrace with the other before responding, “You don’t want to do it anymore?”

“Well… I was thinking…” you start, still hesitant about whether or not you should share with him one of your little reoccurring fantasies.

“You were thinking?” Mei repeats after a long silence, your cliffhanger spawning curiosity within him.

“Um, it’s… kind of embarrassing actually…” you murmur before leaving him hanging yet again.

“You can’t just say that and then change your mind,” he whines and pinches your cheek, “C’mon, just say it. The suspense is killing me.”

You can’t disagree with his point, considering you’d already opened your mouth, it’d be rude to back down now. If you didn’t want to tell him, you shouldn’t have said anything in the first place.

“I… I was thinking…” you start again, your reluctance to confess what was on your mind causing you to stumble over your words, “I-it might be… well uh… a little weird… b-but um… maybe… you can… y’know… use it on me…” Pulling away from his body, your trembling hand places the toy back into Mei’s calloused one, and while he quickly accepts it from you, his furrowed brows seem to portray a different message.

“Are you sure?” he asks lovingly, “I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’d love to, but… would you enjoy it?”

“I… I’d like to enjoy it… I don’t know for sure if I will,” you admit, still apprehensive of the idea, but hoping you’ll muster up the courage to follow through, “I know it’s not much… but I think it might be good for us to share intimate moments like this together.”

“I’m already satisfied with what we do. You don’t have to force yourself to do more.”

“I want to… for you. Even if we don’t go all the way, I really want to let my walls down with you. It’s the least I can do with how understanding you’ve been over the course of our relationship.”

“How could I not be when I have the best girlfriend ever,” he smiles, cupping your face in his hands, “If you really want to, I’d love to do this with you, but if you aren’t enjoying it, don’t hesitate to tell me, okay?”

Nodding up at him, he rejoins you on the bed and gestures for you to sit in his lap, so you do, positioning yourself in between his legs and without hesitation, he wraps his arms around your waist. Pulling you flush against him, he peppers soft kisses down your neck, making you hum in satisfaction at the feeling and roll your head back onto his shoulder, granting him further access and he’s quick to accept the invitation.

“I’m ready when you are,” he mutters against your neck between kisses.

“I’m ready…” you answer under your breath, unsure if there is actually truth in the words you’d just spoken. You’d already made up your mind about going through this and you had no intentions of backing down, but the nerves that follow are no joke, considering it isn’t easy allowing yourself to be so vulnerable in front of someone, even should it be someone you’re comfortable with.

At the sound of the obnoxious buzzing initiated by Mei turning on the device, you unintentionally tense up and he feels it, so he immediately turns it back off to check on you.

“Are you okay? You still want to do this?”

“Yes,” you answer quietly, reaching out toward the hand which held the vibrator and turning it back on, “I’m just nervous… but that’s to be expected, right?”

“Well yeah… but don’t forget that you can stop me at any time. Okay?”

Giving him a final nod, Mei proceeds to lower his hand between your legs, pressing the smooth surface of the toy against your clit. You jolt at the abrupt wave of pleasure that sears through your core, but it’s nice for once to be experiencing this while being held in the arms of the one you love most. Having him there somehow adds an extra warmth that you can’t really explain and on top of that, with him doing all the work, you can relax more than you’d normally be able to.

The feeling of him growing hard behind you only adds to the sensation, every twitch of his cock turning you on more than you thought possible, and with heat radiating from your sweet spot and a familiar tension rapidly building up below, you know you won’t last much longer. Entwining your fingers with the ones that lovingly encompass your frame, you squeeze tightly on his hand upon climaxing while the rest of your body convulses rhythmically in response to the sheer bliss rushing through your body.

“I love you,” Mei whispers, turning off the vibrator and setting it aside as you fall limp against him, gradually ascending from your peek.

“I love you more,” you argue breathily, pulling his arms tighter around you while you lay slumped against him, eyes still comfortably closed.

“Impossible,” he refutes with a peck to your cheek before trying to discreetly untangle his arms from yours and urge you off of his lap, “But if you’ll excuse me… I have things to take care of now too.”

“I wanna watch,” you plead, clinging onto his arm to prevent him from leaving the bed.

“Okay,” he agrees and frees his stiff member from the confinement of his briefs. The tip is glistening with pre-cum and you can’t resist swirling the substance around his engorged head, forcing a soft groan out of him.

He allows you to continue toying with the top half while his fingers encircle the base of his shaft, milking out more of his essence for you to play with, but you only indulge for a while more before finally withdrawing your hand and snuggling close to him, pulling him into a heated kiss as he starts to pump himself at a steady pace. Slipping a hand under his shirt, you trace over his tensed abdomen, your extra touch helping to entice his orgasm.

“Pull it up,” Mei speaks desperately, his voice raspy as his hand movements start to speed up. Recognizing his end is nearing, you do as he says, lifting the hem of his shirt to at least his chest and stealing one last peck from him before letting him chase his high.

“Fuck,” he grunts through gritted teeth, his brows knitted together and eyes squeezed shut while his hips jerk upward, his thick seed shooting out in thin ropes over his smooth abdomen.

You can’t help but admire his post-orgasm appearance for a moment before making your way to the master bathroom, retrieving tissues to clean up the mess. There’s just something about him lying there peacefully with beads of sweat on his temples and the sound of his labored breathing that gives him a different glow in comparison to his usual handsome features. It’s really a beautiful sight to witness.

Noticing your staring, a puzzled look forms on Mei’s face before he addresses it, “I know I’m handsome, but you don’t need to stare.”

“Shut up,” you giggle, playfully elbowing him in the arm making the two of you break out into a fit of laughter. It ends with Mei pulling you on top of him and pressing his lips against yours, but momentarily separating them to speak.

“I love you so damn much… I hope you know that I’d do literally anything for you.”

“I do, and that’s why I love you even more.”

[ghoste-catte]

multiples of 3 ✌🏼-sgmdrcklee

@sagemoderocklee you’re really trying to kill me lol

This got long as heck so I’m throwing it behind a cut. Read on for answers and fic recs! (Mostly the fic recs)

3. favorite line/scene you wrote this year

This is a tough one to answer for me generally because I tend to spit words onto the page and once I have written them I no longer remember writing them. And 2020 has stretched on so long that as I’m looking at some of the stuff I wrote in the beginning of this year, I hardly remember what’s even in it. I think at one point someone (@goblin-draws maybe?) mentioned a line in Sleeptalk with Me where the innkeeper calls Kankuro “chubby boy”, and I was like “Oh ... did I write that? Yeah, sounds like something I’d have someone say to Kankuro ...” 

It might be easier to talk about this in other terms. One of the scenes I worked the hardest on this year was the fight scene in Chapter 3 of Skeleton Key. The original draft of the scene was a lot shorter, and a lot of the backstory for Misaki’s revenge quest was elided. The scene as originally written was clunky, confusing, and as my lovely wife/beta put it sounded “like a Naruto villain” was doing the dialogue, when previously she’d found Misaki sinister and intriguing. Which wasn’t what I wanted. I basically entirely overhauled the scene and re-wrote it several times. I wouldn’t call it a ‘favorite’ scene (I hate writing fight scenes generally; having chosen to immerse myself in a fandom about ninja where much of the drama comes from battle is my eternal regret), but it is a scene that I put a lot of effort into, and I’m moderately satisfied with the improved product that resulted.  

6. least popular fic this year

By far my least popular fic by kudos ever is Pitch Perfect. Which makes complete sense to me. It’s a fic where I’ve written 2 characters who are men in canon as cis women, which pushes a lot of uncomfortable buttons for a lot of people. It contains F/F smut, which is something that a lot of people who choose to read GaaLee probably aren’t out there looking for. And people comment and kudos less on smutfics, I assume because they don’t want their username attached to porn or because they’re embarrassed (which I totally get, no shame there). It’s a modern AU with a sports twist, and AUs are often less popular than canonverse in my experience. I will say though that it has a surprisingly high number of private bookmarks compared to other fics with comparable hit and kudos counts. So I assume people are just a bit more shy because the premise is so ‘out there’. I will say as far as my fics go, it’s one of my personal favorites and probably one of the most intimate and true-to-life things I’ve written? So it actually is a little comforting to know that something so vulnerable has relatively little attention. 

9. longest wip of the year

If we’re going based on stuff that’s partially published but not complete, my Gaara-adopts-Shinki fic On My Way Home is my longest in-progress fic at just over 20k words, although technically I started it in 2019. It will probably end up being right around 40-50k when it’s complete, which might end up situating it as my longest fic ever? 

12. favorite character to write about this year

Okay, this is an easy one. I love writing Kankuro. I think he is hilarious. He is the devil on my shoulder and a creature of pure id, and every time I write a line of dialogue for him it’s the summation of my rudest thoughts about a situation put in the crudest possible terms. If there were a megaphone directly from my unfiltered brain giving running commentary, that would be Kankuro.

15. something you learned this year

I have learned SO much this year! This is only my 2nd year properly ‘focusing’ on writing fic and investing any substantial time into it. I think the biggest thing I have learned, though, is how to overcome a lot of my self-consciousness about writing stories with NSFW elements in them. Starting out, I was so extremely shy and mortified about writing fic at all, much less things like hugging or (god forbid!) kissing. So taking on the smut prompts I took this year and really buckling down on learning to write the mechanics and emotions of sex has been a massive learning experience. (And sorry, by the way, if I haven’t gotten to a prompt you sent me in January yet. I do intend to write all of them eventually!) 

18. current number of WIPs

Ah. The call-out question. My general fic process is idea -> outline -> wip -> edit -> ready to post (where the final draft sits in my docs until I gin up the courage to actually post it). So skipping fics that are just “ideas” on the big mega-list, I have 3 fics in the “outline” stage, 13 fics in the partially written “wip” stage, 1 fic in the “editing” stage, and 2 that are complete but yet-to-be-posted. So, like, 19 total in the offing. (The “ideas” list is even worse lol.)

21. most memorable comment/review

This is such a difficult question because every single comment I get makes me do a little dance for joy. That’s not an exaggeration btw I really sit there and like bounce around in my seat for a moment before I open the Ao3 email. I am not an especially emotive person irl, but there have been times I’ve been brought near tears by comments. I’ll also occasionally show them to my wife like !! look at this nice thing this person said !! and she’s indulgent enough to actually read them. There have been a couple comments that have really stuck with me, that I starred in my inbox and return to frequently, but I don’t want to bring attention to someone else without their permission. I will say there was one person recently who mentioned (not in the comments on one of my fics) that they had found someone who does physical binding of fanfiction and they were about to ask my permission to do that, but then the person who does the binding only does certain ships that she likes ... so that, just, absolutely floored me. The idea that someone might actual want a physical copy of my stupid little ninja fanfictions is, like, so truly immense and completely overwhelming?

24. favorite fic you read this year

You can’t make me pick just one!! (For reference, I have bookmarked right around 180 fics in the past year, and that’s not including fics that I just read, really enjoyed, but didn’t think I could ‘handle’ a second time around.) So, skipping over the ones that AREN’T Naruto ... here is a brief sampling of some faves:

Silica by deepestbluest (rated E, GaaLee, ShikaTema, and Kankiba) - An absolute emotional powerhouse of a fic that manages to skillfully interweave three complex relationship dynamics, satisfactorily resolve them, and give you ALL the sandsibs feels in just over 10k words. 

Childhood Not-Friends (series) by MegaWallflower (rated G, KakaGai) - @megawallflower is a KakaGai god for good reason. Absolutely adorable relationship development fics (five of them!) with the premise that Kakashi thinks he and Gai have been dating since they were kids ... Gai just hasn’t been clued into it yet. These stories will give you heart-eyes.

The Bright Side by gidget_goes (rated T, GaaLee) - This is the Buffy AU I never knew I needed, because I’ve never seen Buffy the Vampire Slayer. But truly you don’t need any Buffy knowledge to enjoy this fic. @gidget-goes command of imagery is masterful, and the way they manage to snap from snark to tugging at your heartstrings is awe-inspiring. Gaara breaks my heart in this. And did I mention Kankuro wears a 10-gallon hat? Because Kankuro wears a 10-gallon hat. 

Nature vs. Nurture by Bidiza (rated T, GaaLee) - So introspective and so poetic. This looks like a WIP but it’s actually multiple oneshots, although by the end of the second one you’ll be dying for the rest of the promised series. 

I’m a Fool to Want You by BeelieveRosemarie (rated M, GaaLee) - Turns out @tuttiefruttiegaalee isn’t just an amazing artist, they’re a writer, too! Slow-dancing that will break your heart. Listen to the Frank Sinatra song while you read this for extra tear-jerking effect.

Let Love be Known (series) by TenTomatoes (rated G, GaaLee) - This is the twist on the arranged marriage trope and Beauty and the Beast that I didn’t realize this fandom was missing. I’m absolutely obsessed with their concept of Gaara as the Beast

I Could Be by LilacNoctua (rated T, GaaLee) - I know I big up @lilac-writes Worthwhile series a lot (deservedly so, because it’s so good it makes you look at the series and go “Why the fuck didn’t Kishimoto make this canon exactly like this?”), but this story made me absolutely die between the butterflies in my stomach and how hard I was laughing. There’s one line--you’ll know it when you read it--that absolutely bowls me over every time I re-read this. 

And Then Continue by EgregiousDerp (rated E, GaaLee) - Obviously I’m biased because this was a gift, but @egregiousderp writes some of the the best characterized porn I’ve ever read. You will read this and go “Wow! This is exactly how it would happen!” It’s such a tender, beautiful exploration of Gaara’s insecurities and a very real feeling first time, for all its soft edges. 

Cake by citronelle (rated E, KanKiba) - I don’t even know what to say about this one other than ... phew, this is extremely well written, extremely hot, and extremely in character. Just read it. I promise it’s worth it. 

Saudade by YumKiwiDelicious (rated M, GaaLee) - I’ve run around reccing this to just about every person on the face of the earth at this point. If you’re in the GaaLee Discord you probably saw everyone salivating over every new update of this fic and with good reason. The twists and turns of this fic will have you on the edge of your seat, second guessing every single moment. And it will break your heart in the meantime. What more could you want?

the love potion commotion by floating_cats (rated T, NejiSasu with background GaaLee) - One of those fics where you wish the author’s sense of humor was your own. So many hilarious moments in this story, and it brought me a new appreciation for a ship I never would have even considered. 

Finger Lickin’ Good by whazzername (rated E, GaaLee) - Whazz is another one of those authors where I literally want to rec every single thing she’s ever written, she’s just that good. (Speaking of which, if you haven’t read Fools Rush In and its sequel Degrees of Separation, you’re missing out on the best possible Metal origin story of all time. Don’t deprive yourself of this.) But this story is just ... so incredibly in character for a situation that reads like crack. It’s handled with the utmost straight-facedness and it’s so. freakin’. good. 

heart lines by winterberry_holly (rated M, NejiTen and GaaLee) - I don’t even have the words to describe how perfect this fic is. It’s a truly beautiful exploration of Tenten’s relationship with her palmistry hobby and with the people in her life. My heart ached with every single line. 

Standing on Ceremony by kuroashi (rated E, GaaLee) - This is just ... such a beautiful wedding story. So lovely, like getting the best possible warm hug from someone you love. If that love one was slightly strange and socially inept, because, well. It’s still Gaara doing Gaara-things. @baphometsss is another one of those authors whose handling of smut scenes is so stupendous it makes me wildly jealous. 

Thrall by RokiRiot (rated T, GaaLee) - Idiots-to-lovers with a magic AU twist! This is such a wonderful story, and Gaara’s internal monologue is absolutely amazing. And Lee is Deaf in this fic, which I never ever get to see and which absolutely made my entire day/week/month/life. 

Make-Out Consequences by LuxaLucifer (rated M, KakaGai with background canon Boruto ships) - I laughed so hard reading this that I had to take a breather to stop crying. That’s not an exaggeration. The characterization in this fic is impeccable and the humor is to die for. Naruto’s buffoonery truly shines here, and the author’s wit is just beyond anything I could even properly summarize. Hysterical. A++. 

Thirteen Strokes by Luna_Lee (rated T, GaaLee) - Again, like, if you aren’t reading literally everything @sagemoderocklee writes, are you even really a GaaLee fan? But this fic is beyond even for one of Eeri’s incredibly excellent writings. The worldbuilding in this, the cultural notes, the imagery ... it’s all so lush and so fulfilling and so beautiful. It’s a story about love and it’s a story that you can tell has love poured into every single line. I can’t recommend it enough. 

Checkmate by shadowstrangle (rated G, GaaLee) - The pettiness vibes ... this is so funny. Such a cute story and I love Gaara’s sense of humor here. Not a lot of writers give him a sense of humor, but I love how @shadowstrangle gives him a slightly odd, slightly left-of-center take on humor that still manages to be so funny. 

To Court a Village by FanFictionEngineer (rated G, GaaLee) - Another one where my bias is perhaps slightly obvious, but the premise of this fic is amazing. I love cultural misunderstandings, and the idea of Lee trying his hardest to court Gaara ineptly is just so perfect. 

affliction of feeling by theformerone (rated E, SakuHina) - One of those ships that it would never have occurred to me to seek out but that absolutely works with how the author’s set it up. The dynamics here are delicious. It’s so rare to find good F/F porn but this is one of them for sure. 

Tried and Tested by twentysomething (Rated M, KakaIru with background canon Boruto ships and GaaLee) - Iruka’s narration in this story is just incredible. I haven’t laughed this hard reading a fic in ages. And the concept alone (that Naruto can’t be promoted to Hokage until he passes his chuunin exams ... as an adult ... and Sasuke gets dragged along for the ride) is just brilliant. Amazing concept, amazingly executed. 

a fireside waltz by winterberry_holly (rated M, GaaLee) - I really tried not to rec a single author more than once here but for this one I had to. I got about halfway through this fic and immediately started running around ringing the town crier bell like READ THIS FIC! READ THIS FIC! An absolutely smoldering Regency AU with such beautiful, intimate dance scenes. My heart was racing every single time their fingers brushed. If you don’t read anything else on this list, at the very least read this. 

27. favorite fanfic author of the year

I really can’t pick just one. I am lucky enough that @egregiousderp passes me her drafts under the table before (or without) publishing, and getting to read those is a private treat of unparalleled proportions. Some of my favorite things I’ve read this year I can’t even rec because they’re her unpublished stuff. 

30. favorite fandom to read fic from this year

This is gonna come off strange because I just wrote such a long Naruto reclist, but I recently watched What We Do in the Shadows, and found an incredibly talented group of authors in that fandom with really amazingly good dialogue and narrative voice. I also read a lot of fic for the new It movies (even though I couldn’t watch the 2nd one for ~reasons~), and damn if there isn’t a talented crop of authors in that fandom, too. And finally with ATLA making its way onto Netflix, I had the chance to start watching that for the first time and found a ton of really good fic there as well! 

fanfic end of the year asks!

[bigprettygothgf]

ultimately my biggest flaw is that id literally rather drop dead than ever appear vulnerable to people and this isnt just a thing on the internet im even worse about it irl. i hate letting people see me get emotional i nearly had a fucking mental breakdown the times my friend asked if i was ok since she knew i had been crying because i literally just was not used to people checking in on me like that. it was a completely alien concept to me

[not-poignant]

I've been thinking about an anti statement I've seen that deserves challenging. It goes like: 'If you read sexual underage, you're attracted to children, therefore you're a pedophile.' The thing is, I'm not attracted to fictional objects, and I'm not attracted to anyone.

I'm not interested in sex with fictional objects, and even if they were to manifest into reality, I'd be even *less* interested then. You don't even need to be ace for this to be true! A lot of sexual fantasy accesses the Id and often has little to do with what you want in real life.

God knows how many people read my stuff and feel obligated to add 'but I'm not into BDSM in real life.' I mean that's normal! (It’s normal for your fictional interests to differ from your real life desires, liking BDSM is very normal). Good! More than half the BDSM I write I'm not into either, and I like BDSM! Because exploring sexual fantasy in fiction is complicated.

The characters are just objects for our psyche to hook into and identify with. We may identify with the vulnerability or the power, we may wish to mentally play out power plays that even we don't fully understand. I can love a character and still not want to meet them ever.

This idea that 'what you read is what you're sexually attracted to' is an erroneous myth, and honestly, a really, really dangerous one that allows antis a pedestal that is so shaky upon examination it falls flat in literally seconds.

I mean the most obvious example of this is that the vast majority of women have had rape fantasies. Those women don't actually want or desire to be raped. This is a profound 'duh' moment to me, but obviously it's not, because y'all antis don't understand inner versus outer life.

I do think it's important to have nuanced and sensitive discussions about what Ids evolve to find compelling in society, re: sexual fantasy fiction. But where antis exist, it's impossible to have those discussions in those spaces.

Part of what I loved so much about media studies was that we were encouraged to compassionately explore the Id and how it expressed itself through media (which is where our most fucked up Id expresses itself these days - by the way, everyone’s Id is always pretty fucked up and it’s impossible to make it ‘pure’ the only thing antis do with their Ids is either a) hide from the reality of it or b) express their Id’s need for sadism and horrible things by abusing strangers on the internet for the fiction they read -> this is what an explored and unaccepted Id does, people), and reflect on what it says about us as people.

Sometimes, as people, it might say 'your society is a bit obsessed with idyllic childhoods, the patriarchy, and power.' But you know what it said about us as individuals? That we were FINE. That, overall, we're just people who engage in fiction, like other people, and we're fine. It said 'hey there's literally NO LINK between violence in media and violence irl, so the kids are okay, Karen.' I wish antis would go get an actual education that wasn't just puritanical scaremongering. Society is fucked, Susan, but the individuals reading Id fics are okay.

[pxppinmolly-archived]

@slxrpindust

I cant go in ur inbox cus i know this message is gonna be too long to break up into asks so here we go baby strap the FUCK IN

okay whre do i begin.

you’re legit like m fucking best friend?? like one of the few people if only people i fele so. comfortable with and like. i can be cringe and free LMAO. Like i have no worries about judgement from u or worrying of walking on egg shells or like. upsetting you or you like. upsetting me! or being mean

ur always so supportive and understanding with me and like. you always are my number one cheerleader yk?? like if i ever need a push or like a !1 hey ur doing great and i love you you’re there!!!

and like. just again how close molly and angelo are to the fact ive cried plenty of times irl over them and like. they pain me in the best way. they have such a click and like. are so driven and fueled by each other it fucking AMAZES ME. they transcend us man. they are their own fucking beings at this point you know.

you were my like. first “Real” rp partner Id say. and like. here we are again years later back at it and better and sexier than ever baby.

you’re so creative and you write so eloquently and wonderfully im just always blown away. you’re so talented and honed your craft over so many years and baby it fucking SHOWS!! like seeing your art and writing just grow from when i first met you is just. a treat and something im so so fucking proud of

you’re so brave and strong and how you take no shit and stand up for yourself and for me so, so many times like. bruuuuh how many times have you fucking stuck your neck out for me or fucking. put your foot down like i WAS GUSHING HOW THE ONE NIGHT YOU WERE TALKING TO TORD AND I AND MENTIONED LIKE “no one is allowed to be mean to dani on my fucking watch”

like. god you kno i wish i had you so much sooner in my life honestly cus i feel id be. so much stronger as a person and so much. happier having someone like you with me in my most vulnerable moments. i never had such like. a strong friend as you, one who never even fought with me or made me feel ashamed or cry or. etc. you know

you give and put so much out and you are so SHAMELESS and just. thrive and bump and happy and i just. i look up to that you are truly a fucking inspiration baby

idk where the fuck id be without you. irl. here. whatever.

like. you fucking come over my house and you stay for a week for a reason. you dont drain me or like. upset me or fucking just make me anxious and feel i have to entertain constantly like we can just EXIST together in comfortable silence and we ALWAYS HAVE even on Voice chat. People in our gc coming in to us being fcking. silent or listening 2 music and saying NOTHING for like hours but just. happy to have the company

you are just amazing and like. a true light in my life for me and i just rlly feel so ossososoosso lucky to have a best friend like you

thank you for letting me bully you into making your angel blog and letting me make it for you. thank you for being here with me. thank you for being you.

i love you bb. my fucking kismorail for life.

[avpdpunpun]

i disappeared for 3/4ths a year here’s an update?

its been 4 months since my queue ran out and way longer since i wrote an actual post. 8 months about? i think i last posted when i impulse quit a job that was bad for my mental health and just kept getting worse.

sometimes i wonder when ppl who blog about mental illness disappear if they’ve died. there was a big user i used to follow who did, and i still occasionally think about it sometimes, so i figure its nice to post updates sometimes. and being able to look back on posts ive written and reflect on them/what state of mind i was in can be helpful even if it can be embarrassing/dangerous because its so easy to fall back into those thinking habits 

after quitting my job i did basically nothing for 6 months haha. at some point i managed to clean out my room which i had done the bare minimum on for years because of depression, took out more built up trash than i thought was possible to fit into my small space. its disgusting but the only thing i struggle to keep up with now at least is vacuuming and putting clothes away so my space is a lot cleaner and it makes me happier. your living space can really have an effect on your mood bless you marie kondo

after my post about having an anxiety attack taking my test i got my drivers license in march. i saw the same lady again after going somewhere else and i think she just let me pass because she felt bad haha. i never finished drivers ed and i still get anxiety about driving unfamiliar routes but my skills and confidence have improved a lot. i managed to drive 2 hours to a big city to visit a friend! i literally didnt have a choice in getting my license, but its still something i can be proud of. like, when i have to explain it to people, it feels extremely shitty that i didnt get it until i was 20, and only about 5 months ago too but... for someone who struggles as much as me, i have to be proud of it my small accomplishments or i’ll have nothing.

at some point something in my brain just snapped and i literally havent been able to cry? for a long time in those 6 months i felt like i was right on the edge of breaking down mentally but never actually crossing that line and it was honestly one of the weirdest things ive experienced. i almost wanted to have a breakdown again just to get rid of the feeling and reach a catharsis like... i used to be a fucking crybaby almost but i. cant. anymore. but i think ive mostly moved away from this point... still feel kinda weird tho.

i didnt end up signing up to a local school fo gen eds. its still on my mind for the vague future because there’s topics i want to learn about (psychology, natural resources, languages...) and maybe try to pursue for a career but really i just wanted a way to get out of my toxic house, even if it meant going into debt to live in a shitty dorm. 

in the last 30 days though life has been moving extremely quickly for me. i dont think i couldve lived with myself much longer being a useless adult basically living in my basement bedroom of my parents house, especially with my younger siblings getting nearer to adult milestones, plus my savings were starting to run out.

so literally next weekend, i’m moving out! and i make enough money right now that with the rough budget i have established, if its accurate, i’ll have a decent amount of wiggle room and hopefully wont be ruining my mental health just trying to make ends meet.

it took a long time of searching but i managed to find a job that hasnt made me suicidal and has slightly more than the MIT living wage for my area lol. im a janitor now! we’ll see how long it lasts but a lot of the factors from my last two jobs that contributed to my failing mental health are gone. i rarely have to interact with other people, and if i do its my coworkers, of who i tend to only see for minutes per day, or the other people working in the building i clean who at most i have to say hi and have a nice night to lol. i get to listen to music and podcasts for 8 hours and its very routine heavy. i have to clock out after the 8 hours is up so i literally cant be forced into overtime. a lot of people dont respect cleaning jobs like this but honestly who gives a fuck, its something i can handle mentally and support myself with. its still hard adjusting to 40 hours. i know its the standard, but the standard is rly tough for me, but i think i can do it long term.

all of this has been achieved through sheer self hatred and impulse alone, and im very nervous about moving in with 3 other people even if 1 of them ive known for 8 years, and i dont think its even properly hit me yet. literally cant register that i have to fend 100% for myself but also ill be away from my toxic family! i can bring my cat with me, who before this i got to see at MOST once a week!

a dude ive known online for two or more years is moving to my area too for college and he’s so sweet and kind, i feel better talking to him than i have 99% of people in my life and im so lucky to know him. ive been forced to talk about personal things i was kind of dreading (not his fault, just a result of our relationship going to go from online -> irl and things id have to address beforehand) and honestly i didnt even mind it that much when i just got it over with and talked about it to him! vulnerability is literally the thing i struggle with the most in interpersonal relationships and is a huge block for me in every way and in even the most mundane life situations but like... he’s honestly the best and im getting emotional writing this and its weird af because i straight up dont GET emotional about other people. ive absolutely developed a stupid fucking crush on him recently and i THINK hes been receptive to flirting and i cant tell if he flirts back because we already say i love you and are wholesome af but honestly no clue if he’s into (trans) dudes but honestly? even if it doesnt work out im so happy to be friends with him and im so excited to finally meet him!! i really think knowing him has helped me improve myself 

i’ve always thought that if i could literally just achieve the bare minimum in life that things would naturally get better. like i’m still mentally ill and get paranoid about peoples intentions and i think if my boss yelled at me id have an anxiety attack on the spot. im still depressed and hate that i have low energy and that it’s still rly hard doing basic chores. 

but like a huge part of my problem was that i felt like i literally couldn’t TRY to connect with people if i couldn’t face having to tell them bare info about myself, like “oh i cant drive” or “i dont have a job” or that i was living with my parents but not even making PROGRESS on getting out. like how could i make friends or go on dates if i literally couldnt contribute shit or admit these things i was so ashamed of? a lot of my self image was shaped by this because my entire life i havent been mentally well enough to do as well as i should have.

but like. i feel like im finally doing these basic things!! i dont have to hate myself so much anymore! i dont look badly on other mentally ill ppl who are less lucky than i/havent been able to do those things yet/might not ever and are still in the same situation i was 2 months ago but the self hatred is strong pls understand.

i dont know yet if i could afford twice yearly drs visits for meds or anything and probably not therapy. i dont even know what my insurance is yet haha. but i’ll see

i need to figure out at what point in my life im going to be able to never contact a single person in my family ever again, considering i’ll be a 20 min drive away and they will know the precise location of where i live, and if i’ll ever feel safe enough in society to start hrt but :^) you know :^) i can at least present more masculinely in the meantime!

i dont rly know how to conclude this... i’m not trying to brag either im just very nervous and excited about where my life might be going for the first time ever? maybe? in my entire life? i have no clue what to pursue after moving out, but i can figure it out. and just... that there’s hope even if youre as fucked up and mentally ill as i am lmao!

[blue-course]

Yall I'mma vent for a bit on my sexuality and gender identity and honestly a bit of everything,

I use to identify as queer when I was in highschool (3 years ago), but then I had that word taken from me an used against me over and over and over and now if I get called queer I literally have a mild panic attack. Like I had a person excitedly refer to me as a "fellow queer" and I literally felt like I couldn't move and the world was going to swallow me up and I just was frozen and I'd started crying without realizing it until like they had begun apologizin, and I feel shitty that other LGBT people can trigger me by saying a word that I should have already reclaimed but cishet people calling you "a queer" all day every day for 3 months to the point where some of your coworkers don't even remember your name but just call you "the queer" gets to be too much rather quickly. And queer was what I identified as after I came out as non-binary, but that was taken from me. I can't reclaim it when I already fucking tried and it was used to hurt me.

So I went back to calling myself a lesbian but I'm not really over the fact that someone messaged me a lil over a year ago while I was in the middle of an especially bad emotional breakdown, where I was nearly admitted back into the hospital, to tell me that they didn't believe I could call myself a lesbian because I'm non-binary, and since then I've felt like if I call myself a lesbian then I'm belittling actual lesbians' identities. Like, I've been out to myself as a lesbian since I was like 12 but one person on the internet messaged me at a vulnerable moment and all of a sudden I feel like I'm not allowed to keep stop calling myself a lesbian, and what other work exists to say that I exclusively love women? None. I can't say I'm straight cause I'm not a guy, I'm not bi because I'm not into men at all. Even when I (was pressured) dated a guy that one time I knew it just felt wrong and Id rather say I'm not attracted to anyone than have to be with a guy. I considered myself "lithoromantic" or some bs like that because for a time I'd rather say I can't have relationships than be in one with a guy who told me I was transphobic for not wanting to date him (a trans guy, he said because he had a "girls body" I should want to date him and have a boyfriend) and suggested on multiple occasions that I stop eating resulting in me developing an eating disorder, along with made fun of my dysphoria.

When I was 14 I had a meeting with a gender therapist who, after I described what I physically wanted to look like, told me I'm probably a gay trans guy which turned me into a sobbing mess because I've never wanted to be a guy nor have I ever wanted to be with one, and of course being a cishet "therapist" she thought it was HILARIOUS, like she couldn't stop laughing, about the fact she made a child cry because I wanted to marry a woman and that was the one thing that I've like actually been secure in.

The one time I genuinely felt confused about my sexuality was before I found working mood stabilizers and it was my bpd acting out about my best friends becoming an item and I had confused my "feeling left out" as my first guy crushes, but it was my personality disorder not wanting the friendship dynamic to shift from what it has been before they had started dating.

Idk I know it's dumb but like, the one thing I've always felt confident in has been my love for women, it's been constant, I've always felt connected to lesbians and wlw culture but like, as a non-binary person who feels un-alined with either binary it's hard to call myself a lesbian without feeling like I'm misgendering myself. And none of my irl friends seem to understand cause they're like all bi/pan trans guys. And they've like never really had their sexuality and gender clash in the same way mind has.

Idk I'm just tiered of other people telling me that I'm not a lesbian because I use they/them pronouns, or because I want a more masculine build that automatically makes me a gay man. Or calling me a queer like I'm not human and I don't bleed red just like everyone else. And it's 3am so I feel like ranting about this on a discourse blog is the best way to get this out of my head.

[softbutchzenyatta]

this post isnt bad its just a vent that got way longer than i anticipated. if u click on this readmore ... u have been warned

speaking of sam ... OK so since everyone in my store is quitting basically we have a lot of ppl from other stores coming and picking up shifts here until we hire more people. and today one of the baristas covering for us was a trans guy. which was pretty neat thinking of it i don’t actually think i’ve, interacted with an openly trans person irl before, nice

but anyway, this barista was wearing a “he/him” pin on his apron, and sam stopped by and told me about it and i think he said he suggested to chris that they should get some for me (...us? all the baristas in general? but probably just me?) to wear

and that makes me a bit nervous because ... i told him i don’t realyl care about that stuff but he was like “i feel like most people who say that just don’t want to make a scene about it (: dont worry, we love you a lot and want to show that we support you” and that was very thoughtful but i don’t know, i feel like wearing a Pin with Pronouns on it would just make me a walking target, i’d rather read as a cis girl than have on display all the time “hey everyone i’m a walking abomination, please harass me and ask me uncomfortable questions”

i guess thta would be a downside to this job too. it’s not a Downside per se but i have never ever been out to anyone in the history of ever, i told my cousin i’m a lesbian once but i’m pretty sure she forgot, no one irl has ever known or even suspected i would have anything going on gender-wise so it’s really REALLY overwhelming to suddenly have to be open about it. i guess i’m not being forced to. but id on’t want to lie and say i’m cis, since i’m using a new name and wanted this to be my Breakout into the El Gee Bee Tee Community anyway. the reason i considered starbucks specifically is because of their hrt-friendly health benefits. but at the same time i’m scared and i don’t know how people are going to react so i have to downplay my gender identity but it’s already all “out there” and everyone is super supportive of that stuff so there’s no reason for me to hide, idk? does this even fucking make any sense?

it’s really cool to be in a safe environment but i don’t actually know what safe looks like, is what i’m saying. if i get too comfortable it will absolutely bite me in the ass. i am a newborn baby dear caught in the headlights so to speak

that trans barista was making jokes earlier about how when people misgender him he “just decafs the fuck out of their drinks” and everyone was laughing but idk. i feel uncomfortable and vulnerable and scared even thinking about being that open about it. i wouldn’t be able to take those things lightly. i don’t want anyone to make a fuss over correcting my pronouns, i sort of don’t even want to be asked what my pronouns are, it’s happened three times already and i freeze up when it happens and it makes me look bad and everyone else gets uncomfortable. i don’t want to make a scene!!!!!!! i just want to like exist and do whatever you know??? ughhgnghhd

and i know if they really did get those pins i’d probably be the only person wearing them anyway. it would make me stand out even worse. idk!! idk. what ever

just not used to it i guess. i have to get used to it eventually don’t i

[romancevsreality-blog]

the bachelorette, season thirteen, episode one: rachel is american royalty

It took me 20 minutes to come up with an intro line for this blog post, because the only thing I could come up with was:

Welcome to the 13th season of La Bachelorette, or as I’m calling it, The Bachelorette: She’s Just Like Us, But Black! or The Bachelorette: This Is The Bachelorette Liberals Want. I am Amanda Mitchell, President & Co-Founder of the Rachel Lindsay Fan Club1, here with you live to Google Doc to talk to you about what I can only tell you in my heart is going to be The Most Dramatic Season Yet of The Bachelorette. I mean, Chris Harrison said it, and I’ve been instructed to trust everything Chris Harrison has to say. Last time we saw each other I was emphatically refusing to recap the Vanderpump Rules reunions, and now we’re stuck together until at least the end of the summer, what with this + The Bachelor: Fuck Island following after.

Romance vs. Reality: Summer Camp Edition!

Rachel was blessed with what seemed to be the best pre-season press I think any lead on this series has ever gotten. Hell, my mom listened to her on NPR this week and my twitter has been bombarded with her face. Not that I’m even complaining. I’m mostly loving that ABC is basically like, “We have a black Bachelorette now: deal with it.” And now that interracial marriage is at an all-time high, PEOPLE ARE DOWN WITH THE SWIRL. I was born ready. I have read zero spoilers2, I have my coffee and my red lipstick and I’m ready to fall in love with Rachel falling in love. I’ve never been happier to pass my torch as #firstblackbachelorette on to anyone else. Let’s do it, kiddos.

The episode opens with Rachel doing her promo shoot for the season - red roses, red dress, red lipstick. Guess what? She’s humbled as hell. She’s not used to this. I mean, is anyone? The Bachelorette is literally the closest thing we have to getting on a bus to Hollywood and asking where you go to become famous in 2017. I can’t imagine a person who would be prepared for this moment in any way... nor do I really want to, let’s be real.

I always feel bad for the people who live in the Bachelor mansion irl. Do they have to leave their furniture, too? Or do they have to entirely move out twice a year for a few months? I know, I know, they’re generously compensated, blah blah blah, but like... after 15 years, you know they dread getting that email reminding them it’s time for filming again. Anyway, we see Chris Harrison, the Mufasa to my Scar, as he greets us and reminds us that Everyone Loves Rachel because... she’s a normal fucking person. She questioned the entire process and took her time. She wasn’t even calling Nick her fiance after four dates like... most of the girls on the show did. Rachel was too good for Nick, he knew it, and America did too.

And that’s why she’s Queen Bachelorette.

We get the Obligatory Life & Work Montage - Rachel’s from Dallas! She looks amazing in white! She can play basketball3 and describes herself as “sweet & sour”. Personally, I think world peace could happen if everyone could just meet over a bowl of sour patch kids (not original), so it’s nice to know that Rachel describes herself as such. She’s the best. God, guys, I’m not even 2 minutes in and I’m gagged for the gods. I love her so much. We see Rachel in court, and hear her talk about her dedication to her job being more important than falling in love.

And then we’re reminded of Nick Viall’s existence and how Rachel struggled with expressing her feelings to Nick. We relive that perfect moment where she was genuinely shocked to admit she was falling in love with Nick, only for it to be too late for her and she was sent home. Next is the After The Final Rose where she met her first four guys of the season in that perfect caped black jumpsuit that I would like to be buried in. Ugh, I forgot one guy said “I’m ready to go black, and I’m never going to go back.” WHAT PRODUCER ALLOWED THAT?

Rachel has a perfect fluffer of a dog and I can’t breathe. HAS ANY OTHER BACHELORETTE EVER BROUGHT THEIR DOG? She drives down Rodeo Drive, meets with fans in front of some tulips, and some lady tells her not to sleep with “all of them.” Rachel says “oh, none of them.” My response probably would be, “Oh no, only half of them.”

And this is why I’m not The First Black Bachelorette.

But the best part of this whole thing is that it… strangely doesn’t feel as artificial as seasons prior. Rachel’s weave is next-level, she’s bubbly and sweet and it just doesn’t feel so… blatant. Even the “dancing on the beach at sunset in a romper” shot feels genuine, and that’s hard to do4.

Chris Harrison, Julius to My Brutus, introduces us to some of Rachel’s men!!!!!!

We meet Kenny, who’s both a professional wrestler and father to a 10-year-old girl, named McKenzie. McKenzie is fucking gorgeous and I can’t handle it. Again: I have a thing for men who are good with their daughters. It’s not rooted in some deep emotional pain I have or anything. He makes a “wrestling ring/wedding ring” pun, and I love Kenny5.

We meet JACKSTONE6, who, like Rachel, is an attorney in Dallas. He lost his mom in high school, and he looks like the poor man’s Noah Mills.7

I screamed when I saw The Spirit of Detroit, one of my favorite pieces of artwork ever, and then got mad because it was connected Alex, who is 28. He claims he’s from Detroit.

BITCH

YOU

ARE

FROM

GROSSE

POINTE

For those not in the know (aka most of you), Grosse Pointe is literally right next to Detroit. As in, you can be standing next to a million-dollar mansion and walk half a block and literally be in poverty. This is not a joke or an understatement. Given that Grosse Pointe has literally and figuratively built barriers to divide itself from Detroit, I have zero patience for a meathead-cum-nerd from Grosse Pointe saying he’s from Detroit. You (and I, your honor), are from “Outside Detroit”. Jeffrey Eugenides wrote two books set in Grosse Pointe. ... I’m from the same town Mitt Romney’s from. There is a long history of politicians and residents distancing themselves from Detroit - L. Brooks Patterson, COME THROUGH, OAKLAND COUNTY AIN’T PERFECT, HAVE YOU BEEN TO PONTIAC - so, you know, shut up.

Alex’s mom says he has an IQ of 180. I hate him.

We meet Mohit, who launched a start-up and does Bollywood dancing. Why do I feel like this is going to come up in the future.

And then there’s Lucas. Lucas, who I refuse to believe in a real person.

Truthfully, if Lucas exists in this world, I’m not sure if I want to.

Lucas looks like an ugly O’Connell brother had sex with the third Hemsworth brother and I disagree with everything about him. His catchphrase is “Whaboom,” which is literal nonsense. I liked you so much better when you were played by Paul Scheer and you were pulling elaborate charitable pranks like building parks.

We then learn far, far too much about Blake E.’s testosterone levels and (allegedly) amazing penis.

Blake E.:

Diggy loves sneakers. He has almost 600 pairs of sneakers. Like, Diggy, you cute and all but ugh, sneakerheads are so extra.

Josiah is a prosecutor and is emotionally vulnerable as hell. His older brother committed suicide and Josiah was the one to cut his brother down after he hung himself at seven years old. This is something I’ve thought about a lot - not the process of dying, but being the person to discover it. That fucking terrifies me. He was arrested for burglary at 12, and a judge told him he wasn’t this violent, angry person - and Josiah realized at that moment what he wanted to be. He’s now a prosecuting attorney at the state attorney’s office where he got his second chance.

You’re crying, I’m not crying.

Rachel drives over to the mansion to meet with her former competition - I mean, her best friends from Nick’s season - and they all talk about how surreal it is to be back at the house. Jasmine G., Alexis, Raven, Kristina, Corinne, and two interchangeable dark-haired girls who must not have done anything because I literally have no idea who they are all sit around to drink champagne and give advice. They basically tell her not to pre-judge anyone, give everyone a chance, and really keep her mind and heart open.

There’s some T about DeMario’s intentions not being pure. And then we get some lady-love, it’s amazing. They all really care about her, and it’s touching. SEE, Y’ALL? This is why she’s The Bachelorette. Rachel doesn’t have any enemies. They literally cry because they love her so much.

I let out an involuntary “yaaaaaaaas” when I saw Rachel in her first night dress. It’s white and sparkly and it looks like someone took a chandelier, shattered it, and made a dress.

Amanda’s Official Ranking of Best Dressed Bachelorettes (2013 - 2017)

Kaitlyn

Rachel

Desiree

Joelle8

Andi

AND THE SEASON BEGINS.

Rachel is greeted by Chris Harrison, the Obi-Wan to my Anakin, and he prepares her for what’s to come. God, he has the dream job. I want it so much. He works for like 10 minutes a day, I can’t. He literally greets her and then leaves her to her own devices because the limos are pulling up.

Peter is first, with his navy blue plaid jacket and bowtie, and he’s nervous as hell. He hopes he’ll have better luck than Nick did because they’re both from Wisconsin. Josiah is second and oh my god if they continue on with these sartorial choices this season for these men I cannot handle it. Everyone looks so good. Josiah’s got a grey jacket with black lapels, a bowtie, and makes a legal joke. Every lawyer loves a legal joke.

Bryan is 100% cheekbones and speaks Spanish. Rachel understands 25% of what he says, and he says she’s in trouble with him. Bryan is my new boyfriend. Kenny’s got some dance moves. I love it.

At one point when they showed some of the guys in the same room chatting, I involuntarily shrieked. These are some good-looking men. I am in heat. I haven’t been this attracted to a group of men on television since Drake left Degrassi9.

There’s a montage of random guys who I guess we’re not supposed to care about. Diggy looks fly. Kyle brings her Jamaican buns and cheese, KYLE WINS. Blake K, who is a veteran, hot as hell, and his grandparents dated for a couple months before marrying and just celebrated their 65th wedding anniversary. Brady brings a block of ice to break.

Everything seems 100 until the guys who met her at After the Final Rose arrive. Dean, our “black/never go back” guy, asks her if it was okay that he said that. Dean looks like Sean Cameron from Degrassi. 13-year-old Amanda is swoooooning. He probably asked because some dumbass producer thought that would be a great idea. That producer was fired and promptly hired by Pepsi and is now producing commercials for them10. The 27 other guys who haven’t met her before are concerned the ATFR Four will have an advantage.

In addition to talking about his penis too much, Blake E. is an “aspiring drummer” (whatever that means) and comes in playing drums with a marching band. He wanted to be 100% less awkward this time. All the guys are envious, and it’s as if they’ve never seen this show before. These people always pull some nonsense.

Me exiting the Bachelor Limo:

Chris Harrison, the Louis Winthorpe to my Duke Brothers, arrives to talk to Rachel about The Men So Far, but mostly DeMario, because Whitney (WHO?) warned her about him.

Chris Harrison:

Rachel’s like, “I’m a smart girl and I take everything with a grain of salt so imma do me, I guess.”

Fred used to go to elementary school with Rachel! He was in third grade when she was in eighth, and Rachel is unamused by being reminded of what she looked like when she was thirteen. I burned every picture of me from 11 - 14 for a reason. I did not exist in those years. I went underground into a cave and emerged for freshman year of high school. Jonathan, who looks like the fake dead Andrew Garfield they’d use for a funeral scene in a movie, tickles Rachel without permission and I am shocked she doesn’t send him home immediately.

I HATE BEING TICKLED AND / OR TOUCHED WITHOUT PERMISSION, OH MY GOD. I would push Jonathan back in a limo. BYE.

Lee is this season’s WGWG11, and it’s as if people haven’t realized that’s not a path way to a record deal. Hell, it’s not even a path to becoming The Bachelor. It does, however, get you a one-way ticket to Paradise more than once. Good for you, Lee. Milton literally growls at her. Has anyone ever found growling cute? Didn’t Johnny Bravo growl? AND LOOK HOW SUCCESSFUL HE WAS WITH WOMEN.

Adam brings a doll my friend Hillary12 describes as an “Annabelle doll”, and I beg to differ. This is Lil’ Poundcake after she went through the wash and wearing her laundry day clothes. Matt is our Obligatory Costume Wearer. Again, I liked you so much more when you were secretly Jennifer Aniston.

My favorite part of this season so far is the dynamic we’ve never seen before - playful ribbing. When black men get together, there’s a ton of joking around and roasting each other. It’s not malicious, even though they’re competing. See what you get, ABC? See what you get when you have a diverse cast of men?!?! My literal favorite part of the episode is when Diggy (I believe) asks who in the group is the crazy one.

Enter Whaboom.

He’s literally wearing a tanktop with “Whaboom” on it. And demonstrates it for Rachel.

CAN SOMEONE HELP HER PLEASE

And then DeMario points out... we’ve found the crazy one.

I cackled. It was fucking funny.

Rachel gives a toast, and then The Battle Begins.

Josiah is first to take her aside, and all the guys are like, “What?!?” As if they’ve never seen this happen before. Rachel loves his story, of course, because who doesn’t? Rachel’s nervous, but she’s excited. Whoever gave her that white fur stole should get an Emmy Award.

They literally put a glass of champagne in the doll’s hand. I fast-forwarded through the nonsense of the doll but HOW DARE THEY MAKE THIS WOMAN ENGAGE WITH THIS DOLL. Like. Show her some damn respect and don’t make her talk to a creepy doll. Just because Alfre Woodard did it doesn’t mean it’s okay.

Rachel can’t get over the fact that she used to discipline Fred. Bryan takes her aside and expresses his seriousness, and he’s a chiropractic physician. Bryan can crush a back massage, y’all. She asks if he’s really going to be trouble, and then they make out. I have to take a cold shower, give me a minute.

Okay, I’m back.

Chris Harrison comes in with the First Impression Rose like:

We learn that Rachel preferred NSYNC to Backstreet Boys and this is the only answer I needed to know from this episode, recap over. I told y’all she was perfect. Mo gets wasted, of course. I much preferred Jamey when he spelled his name correctly and he was played by Will Arnett. He’s mostly mad because he didn’t get to talk to her in his $2000 suit.

Pretty much all the guys are cool except Whaboom, who never learned how to read a room. He keeps narrating the night’s events with his loudspeaker. However, he does juggle. Where did he get those balls from? Milton can’t stop purring. Gross. The rivalry between Whaboom and Blake “I Love My Penis” E. emerges because Blake thinks Whaboom13 wants to be on TV. I think they're both the worst!

Rachel comes in and grabs the First Impression Rose, and gives it to Bryan. They kiss again, and Mo yells “NOOOOOOOOOOOO. KEEP AWAAAAAAY.”

I cackled. Again. I’m so excited for this season.

Rachel gives a speech, and it’s time for the Rose Ceremony. Like, it’s so simple for her. She knows what she’s doing, what she’s in for. Just handing out flowers, ain’t no thang.

Peter, Will, JACKSTONE, Jam(ie), Iggy, Eric, DeMario, Jonathan (WHYYYYYY), Bryce, Alex, Kenny, Dean, Matt, Anthony, Brady, Josiah, Lee, Diggy, Fred, Adam, Not The Doll, Blake “My Penis is My Best Friend” E., and Syllabic Noise all get roses.

Good bye, Blake K., Grant, Jedediah, Kyle, Michael, Milton, Mohit, and Rob. I won’t miss your purring, Milton.

This Season on La Bachelorette: kisses! Fireworks! Adventures! Sweden! Denmark! Lee isn’t here to make friends, and he’s the villain this season, deliberately. I LOVE A DELIBERATE VILLAIN. Someone has a girlfriend who shows up with proof! FIGHTING! Rachel looks gorgeous while crying, I love her. Rachel’s storyline this season is totally Putting Love First.

I’m so excited to be doing this with y’all.

See you next week!

Random Assessments From The Desk of Amanda:

My front-runners: Peter, Bryan, Eric.

Did Chevy sponsor this season? That's one nice ass car Rachel was driving.

I feel like when my mom watches this she’s going to be searching for a husband for me.

This is one of the best premieres this show has ever had. I couldn’t stop laughing.

Who’s worse, though: Penis Head or Syllabic Noise? It's a competition for who's worse, god damn.

So Mo got an opening backstory but he got eliminated on Night One? There goes the “Top 4 Gets An Opener” Theory, I guess.

Why did she eliminate Hot Rob, tho?

OR HOT BLAKE?

I promise this will end better for Rachel than it did for Selena. ...Too soon? ↩︎

I went (mildly) spoiler-free for Joelle’s season and entirely for Nick’s, but I might cave in a few weeks. I only like to know who makes it to hometowns, it’s easier to guess that way. ↩︎

juuuust in case you forgot she was black or something ↩︎

Does anyone else feel like Rachel had her teeth gap slightly closed or is that just me? Is this because I’ve seen season 6 of Top Model too many times? ↩︎

Also, Kenny has a fucking wiki page, so he must actually work. ↩︎

This was a typo, but I love it so much I’m leaving it. ↩︎

You’re welcome, ladies. ↩︎

If only because of this dress. ↩︎

Downtown Sasquatch Forever. ↩︎

This isn’t true, but you know someone would believe me if I said so. ↩︎

White Guy With Guitar ↩︎

Listen to our podcast! ↩︎

I think his new name should be Syllabic Noise. ↩︎

[omgbecausewhynot]

3 am emotional rambling

I feel so fucking alone in this world emotionally like my depression is just steady getting worse and worse the longer time goes on. I feel hopeless, I feel lost, I feel lonely, I feel empty. I have a deep yearning for something but im unsure as to what. I want a specific persons attention/affection but I don't want a relationship. Ive been in love with a different person for 4 years that will never love me back and has no idea. I miss all of my friends so fucking much. I can't take care of myself like I need to. My apartment is a mess and when my friends offer to clean it to help me ease my stress it makes me feel like shit thats not their responsibility. I hate feeling vulnerable. I hate ever single fucking thong about myself and no matter how much I eat right and excersize and weight I lose I will always find myself picking things apart at my seams. Im so fucking insecure it literally makes me physically ill. Im not ready to be an adult but I don't have any other fucking options. I genuinely want to kill myself BC of how shitty I feel and it seems dumb but if it wasn't for my cat I have to feed and take of I wouldn't get out of bed. I didn't get out of bed for all of April and most of this month (May) except when my friends drag me out. I need help I need my counseling again I need my friends I need this job I need to get better. I can't go a single day without a breakdown and I feel so fucking weak and especially empty and vulnerable when I reach out during these breakdowns. I understand there are people who have it way worse than I do and I need to be grateful but Jesus Christ im just tired of everything being awful. Im so emotional and I feel overly exposed but also im so drained to the point where im numb. I genuinely lost myself in my mental illnesses and I don't know how to function nor cope anymore. Nothing helps me and I lost my drive for a future. I feel worthless and pathetic and just useless. There's not a single person that would be long term affected by my death like eventually everyone would forget or move on and id be just a person they used to be friends w that passed away and then over more time I would be nothing in their memory. Im not gonna actively try to hurt or kill myself but if I were to be hit by a car I wouldn't mind. I make jokes to try and cope and I know irl I laugh a lot but im so empty. I find joy in nothing anymore. Nothing makes me happy, nothing makes me excited or driven like I used to be. Im just exhausted. I either sleep an hour for three days or 22 hours each day; there is no inbetween. I want to avoid all my problems BC it hurts to deal w them and I genuinely don't know how to even if I wanted to.

[celestialallstars]

Episode 11: “The odds are against me but I’m gonna make it....” - Loris

FUCK YOU MATT. FUCK YOU JACK. FUCK YOU STEPHEN. FUCK THIS CAST. YALL LYING ASS HOES SUCK MY FUCKING NIPPLES

Right now, I've got a mixture of feelings. On one end, I guess the tribal showed were some people's loyalties lie, but on the other I couldn't help but feel like it was a bit much. Like everybody in this game has literally lied and like I don't know, I understood Jack and Matt's frustration but it was a big yikes to see it get so tense and everyone get worked up. Like had my laptop not shut off, I would have likely snapped tonight and I think I'm seeing the good and the bad of things right now and it's just...a mess. Not to mention the 8 man alliance couldn't get it together until the 11th hour.

Fuck. Fucking fuck. Matt is finally gone, and this time we pulled it all off to keep him until Jared fucking pulled out an idol. How did he even know it was gonna be Chloe anyways? Man. I can't help but wonder if he wouldn't have played it had Matt and I shut our mouths but I think he would've anyways. I couldn't help myself, I couldn't let him lie again in public about that I had to expose him. Now he's got no idol, he's got few allies (I think), he's totally vulnerable and I pray to god we get him in the next 2 rounds.

It just occurred to me that I had a part in the chaos tonight. Stephen was already worried about the vote, but if I don't talk to Jack/Mitch then none of the last minute plan to vote Chloe happens I feel or gains as much momentum, then half the craziness that happened tonight at tribal does not happen at all....I saved Steph but at the cost of seemingly having Jared cost his game.

________________________________________________________________

I'm really drained at the moment between the school stuff and this game and now Jared claims my name was around for this round, or at least it was Bryce's plan. It did not phase me because I already wanted to go against Bryce/Zach but now it at least gives me another reason. AS of all of the craziness, my gut told me to try and stick it out with Michael/Chloe. I believe that between Rhys/Bryce/Zach's sketchiness, Jack just being himself, and Loris, I'd rather just try things out with the others. At this point, I'm kind of over a lot of the BS that people keep trying to sell. Having that said, I firmly believe that things need to get outted tomorrow unless we attempt a full on blindside.

I keep checking my messages as though someone wants to talk to me. Spoiler alert: they don’t.

Sooooo YESTERDAY WAS A DAY!

It started off so simple, Matt seemed to be the target for the majority alliance and Michael/Chloe didn't seem very interested in keeping him around. So I came up with a scheme that I think may have tied into someone else's scheme. But I didn't know it at the time. ANYWAYYYYY...

Matt's going home, but I don't want to vote him. Why? Because I wanna strengthen my relationship with Jack, so I approach both of them to talk about things and figure out who they're voting for. Matt was very antagonistic and I figured out this is because he heard I was saying his name, which was true! I get them to say a name they'd rather have taken out, and it's Chloe. Sure. Me and Chloe barely talk tbh. So I essentially go around getting pissy about wanting to vote Chloe instead of Matt to my alliance because I need to sell it anddddddd........

They... Want to vote her out? SKDJSKDKSKSKSKSKAKSK

Ummmm this wasn't the plan! Everyone except Loris and Jared want to do it. Okay. Whatever. I'm too deep in now to flip back, sorry Chloe!

THEN JARED PLAYS THE IDOL SKSKDKDMSKSKSKSKSSM

Ok but why didn't you use that idol to save Mitch hm?

Sketchy bitch.

Soooo I hear afterwards that Zach and Bryce had a chat with Jack and Matt and apparently they might have wanted to vote Chloe anyway????? But then why let the vote be Matt for the entire day? When we all would've voted Chloe if they just said her name originally? And now Jared also has a chat with Chloe and Michael? Worst allies ever.

Idk Zach and Bryce are sketchy and I've known that since the Mitch vote. Maybe they should watch their backs in the near future ......

First off I was SO happy for Loris! It would have been nice to immunity, but I know with all of the distracting things I had for the day that I did good with the few hours I had. This makes me wonder if it will continue a trend I see in a lot of orgs where I begin to place in the top 4 a lot in the late game. Only time shall tell. Going into this tribal, I for once feel great. Making a new alliance with Loris/Michael/Chloe/Jared all the while keeping Stephen in the loop. I'll still smile and wave in the 13th, three kings, literally any other chat but as far as I'm concerned, I'm ridding my hands of that. Hope its not too early to feel good (it is)

________________________________________________________________

So I did some thinking and for a bit I had a feeling me or Bryce would get 10th. This was just because Karth came in 20th and Kori in 15th, which had to mean one of us would come in 10th and the other in 5th. Time to see how accurate this prophecy is

Day 25......... gross. So disregarding the challenge because yikes the whole game seems to be flipped on and the best part is that I don’t put myself forward as a target and Jared and Chloe are seen as this tight duo so I expect them to be targeted over myself. However chris and loris both expressed disappointment in how the game has been progressing and Bryce and zach both came to me to strategise so hopefully I’m in some sort of power position in the game however chris has pulled this before where he’s so sad he didn’t get his way and so disappointed and nothing has changed so right now my focus is on how to get myself forward in the game with hopefully more to come and Bryce will hopefully be eliminated this round.

Soooooo I had to abstain from the challenge for work but that's okay. I don't think I'm the target anyway.

The biggest news is that Jared has added onto his old group of Chloe and Michael to create a new majority. One that is planning to overthrow the old one in the near future. Based on what Chris has told me, the additions are himself and Loris.

The issue is, based on what Jared has told me, that Loris wants to wait one more round before locking things down. I see why he'd want to do this. Jack could easily slip through the cracks of the impending majority vs. majority war and that puts him within reach of an easy win at FTC in my opinion.

Jack might actually go home unanimously if things keep up like this. It'd be sad, because I just really started putting work into my relationship with him recently, but it really doesn't seem worth it when, even if I save him, I'll likely be targeting him within 2 or 3 rounds anyway. Cyrena? More like, sayonara.

Of course, if last vote is any indication, this can all change in a couple of minutes! So who the fuck knows. There's still 3 hours until tribal and if I can convince the 5 in power to pull their move now I wouldn't mind it at all.

hi!! ok so like... I won immunity??? and it was a creative challenge???? I’m so shocked and proud of myself I rlly tried to snap and things went wrong but I still SNAPPED!!! and now I made single digits oh my god!!! like... 9th or above I’m so happy with but of course I’m gonna win anyways. so. I suggested an alliance with me chloe Chris michael Jared to Chris and Jared and now it’s a real thing and like.. we just need to get people to vote jack for themselves and then we can run the game perry add. That could be a serve. I genuinely feel like I’m in a rather good spot this game I don’t think anyone should want to vote me out except stephen  maybe??  jack is hard to read because I’m not sure he talks To that many people ... idk... also oh my god so I just need to survive 3 more tribals and then I can play my legacy.... and like I’ll be so proud of myself if I get to do that. both seasons I find the legacy in round one(?) and I manage to hold onto it until the final six both times ?? like.. the odds are against me but Im gonna make it....

girl idk. i feel in danger because of lack of talk. everyone wants jack out. id prefer chloe. the only votes we can get are bryce, rhys, jack and myself. loris is dumb. HE WONT idk. jareds legit playin super well and good for him but ppl needa wake up and start knockin off his +1’s so hes easier to take out in the future. but who cares. these people are gonna end up lettin like jared or chris win .. and good. i suppose they deserve it.

im just super tired. partly due to this game but partly because of irl factors... so i just cant go chaotic. its so fun but soooo draining, and its hard when everyone leaks things and jared wants to be dumb and idol. it wasnt dumb. im petty. its real dumb.

im just trying to get ppl on my side but it seems so hard NNNN so . we’ll see

My names going round again 🤠

Ever since I played the idol on Chloe (which was indeed an in the moment decision), I feel a lot better about my spot in the game.

I revealed basically everything to Chris. There was very little that I left out. I told him about the F2 with Bryce, and my motivations behind every decision so far.

Sometimes overbearing trust comes out of overbearing promises. I still need someone to have my back no matter what, so being open with Chris was necessary. I still will try my best to keep Bryce in the game. I need them to war with each other because it will be a long term buffer for me. In terms of F3 plans, I'm not sure. I have options between Chris, Rhys, Chloe, Michael, Stephen, and Loris. I wouldn't mind staying true and taking Bryce as far as I can, but eventually his number will be up and I think that will be better for my chances to win anyways.

Today I finally pulled the trigger and Chris and I put together this 5some of him, Chloe, Michael, Loris, and myself called "starpower."

I will have to be cheeky with Chris to stay in a better spot than him, because he doesn't have strict promises with Bryce as far as I know.

Tonight Jack will go home which was Loris' call. I think it's fine because either way next round Stephen will want a big target out and he needs me to make it happen. I want that target to be on Zach, because I think Zach is the current frontrunner to win, and I think voting him will suit Stephen.

With that being said, it will take a smooth game from hear on out to not be a total goat. I'll try my best.

Feeling very strange about this vote. It's another sort of last minute vote, we've all kind of agreed to do a hard reset and vote Chloe again, but now that I've seen one idol play I can't help but feel like there's another coming, and this time it'd directed towards me potentially. I think I'm gonna propose possibly splitting votes just to cover our bases, because I do feel like Jared and Chloe are now gonna want to target me for no reason other than it's convenient.

If someone idols Jack tonight I’m gonna scream 🤡

So, I wanted Chloe gone this round, because I'm scared she will just float through this game and take a spot at the end. Which is exactly what is happening this vote. People want Jack instead so here we go. Haven't been too active so couldn't have gotten the numbers. Sad times.

Hi so the vote seems to be on  jack which is a little bit anti climatic because everyone was like let’s make a move and then boom jack goes like I thot we were going after bryce zach or rhys but I guess not? Anyway I hope im not being played by bitches right now and people stick to their words. Or at least vote jared/Chloe out

________________________________________________________________

The thing that makes me most nervous going into tribal is that it makes strategic sense for Stephen not to vote with us and instead vote out Jared who’s a far bigger threat than Jack but hopefully the fear of a tie will mean that he makes it 6 and I hope he realises that I’m ok with going against Jared sksksksksk.

THIS game is so sad liek nothing i want happens ppl are just not wanting to do what i want and thats so unlike my first season KJFHDASKJ i just want total control and someone to run the game with but jared is so annoying and is trying to work with the ppl who will vote him out bc hes such a big threat like girl pls just let me have my way and i wont cut u at 4th! im still fuming over the idol play like who does he think he is playing it without letting me know thats all i ask i literally feel pathetic trying to work with him when he clearly has chris/loris/chloe interests ahead of me

________________________________________________________________

Jack is voted out 8-1-1. He becomes the third member of our jury.

Watch Jack’s exit interview take place below: