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#not having a breakdown so its gonna fucking suck. and im sngry and feel guilty im not moving closer but i caaaaaant without
steampoweredskeleton
ยท
23 hours
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#delete later
#every week is the same as the last. i need it to change. please
#and not in a worse way again. i need it to change for the positive. please.
#im going to be in my hometown in a week. i dont want to. but i need to. i dont wantttt to. i wont have a living situation sorted and
#they're going to be weird about it and i don't have the ability to field that stuff positively bc all my positive thinking is going into
#not having a breakdown so its gonna fucking suck. and im sngry and feel guilty im not moving closer but i caaaaaant without
#things getting way worse mentally but i feel terrible about it bc i feel like i dont have an excuse for living so far away now
#even though i dont NEED an excuse but i wish i had one. and im not allowed to die which is fucking annoying but its still working
#as a coping mechanism so thats fine. im also. really upset that the insect thing ive been looking forward to for months i cant do.
#it feels like a real kick in the face for wanting something. it was like my one thing to be excited for when everything felt
#like it was falling apart abd then things fell nore apart and instead of insect joy im going to visit family and bask in that pool of grief
#so. that's great. its just shit. and the only emotion i currently have access to is frustration and a bit of grief so thats also
#not ideal. and im both dissociating so much and am painfully present which is a fun combo. shit just sucks abd theres no way out
#currently. so i gotta go through it but im bad at that so im just miserable. might try to figure out a way to get the weoghted blanket
#to hometown bc going without it is going to fuckinh suvk big time
#i also need to have a hard conversation with someone who is way more into me than im into them rn. idk whether its bc i cant
#access emotions rn or a genuine thing so im gonna have to communicate this bc otherwise it feels like im leading her on abd thats
#shit. see thats one thing that is solidly in my court. like thats a my fault thing. everything else is just a shit situation
#god life sucks sometimes. my mum always said things come in threes. i think im up to like thing five at this point
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