#not every self harming person got bpd smh

[sleepyagent]

i didnt feel like i was clear outside and inside my head esp towards the end during therapy today

The thoughts and feelings emerge again about how i feel stuck

how im not sure what i even do or wanna do in and out of therapy, what would what could help me, its so hard

its diffuse and i right now i dont have access to my struggles,

why am i even struggling, why cant i do this, why cant i just live, why do i feel so incompetent, my brain doesnt work and i feel like thats all i am, idk where or why im stuck rn, i just feel stuck and i feel especially tired today, i just want to stop.

let me out of this ride, will you

maybe its time?

[singlemominpiyamas-blog]

4.18.20 - 9:00AM

TW: Suicidal thoughts, depression and other mental health issues

I have a dual diagnosis of BPD and PTSD. I have struggled with personal relationships all of my life especially with romantic ones. I’m starting to finally understand that I am my own worst thought enemy. 

I am the one who thinks horrible things about myself to maintain dysfunctional thought patterns because, at one point, they served a purpose. 

These thoughts justified why people who were supposed to love me unconditionally could only love me with conditions. I would self harm to control relationships. I would starve myself to fit this white American girl ideal of my teenage years. 

I am a shapely Puerto Rican girl but being stick thin was “in” when I was in middle and high school. I graduated in 2010 from a high school in North Carolina. 

It was the Lindsay Lohan, Nicole Richie and Paris Hilton era. They were these emaciated goddesses I idolized along with Audrey Hepburn and Molly Ringwald. 

I wanted to be thin so I could be beautiful to my father and boys at school. 

Male attention, I believed, would spare me from being bullied. When I became an emaciated skeleton version of my shapely self in middle school, kids continued to make fun of me for being smart, oddly religious and definitely racist. 

Some of it I deserved. Some of it, I did not. I have had to teach myself a lot about the world because I didn’t get the proper education from home or school. I have been a problematic person for a long time. It’s been baby steps to get to where I am at today. 

In romantic relationships, I have threatened suicide if my partner wanted to break up with me which I know this is completely ridiculous and toxic but I learned from my parent’s relationships that my identity was supposed to come from romantic relationships. 

I wasn’t good enough to create my own identity. I had to be a miniature vicarious version of my parents so they could live out their adolescent fantasies through me. Perfect. No mistakes allowed. 

Now look at me. LOL. SMH. 

Anyway...

I had to change who I was as a person for people to love me because that’s what I had to do at home. I’m a toxic person who has a long healing journey ahead of them. I have made many mistakes.  

NONE OF THIS JUSTIFIES WHAT I HAVE DONE IN THE PAST. Abuse is still abuse regardless if your abuser knows what they did to you because if it scarred you, it scarred you. At the time, I thought I was preventing myself from being hurt when I was partaking in abusive behaviors. I couldn’t conceptualize at the time that I can be a good person and not be in a relationship. Also, abuse is about power and control. I am more problematic than an abuser but I’m still toxic. Trust me, I know. 

I have struggled with suicidal idealization aka (S.I.) most of my life. I have fantasized about killing myself because it was better than the present. I was hospitalized just before the coronavirus really took off in the states on Feb. 29th of this year until the 3rd of March because of issues in a romantic relationship with my current baby’s father. I was suffering for months from untreated mental health issues. The breakup sent me over the edge. 

Side note: This blog and podcast are not meant to demonize baby daddies. Yes, some baby daddies have done crappy things but I’m not going to put mine on blast, here. This is my personal blog about me. I’m not going to turn it on them because what’s that going to help? My kids need their daddies. They’ll find out through their own experiences with their fathers who their dads are and why they are like that. I don’t need to demonize them because we are not together. Everybody has their issues. As long as my kids are fed, dressed, cleaned and loved, they can go to their dad’s houses. I am angry and hurt but I am realizing that I can only control my emotions. I need to learn to emotionally regulate me. I cannot dump on all of my romantic partner’s all of the hurt I have suffered every day of their lives. They are not the ones who hurt me. 

Their actions speak louder than my words. 

I have issues in general. I need to get therapy and other types of support and help so I can provide a better childhood to my children than I got to enjoy. 

I am striving for my independence. Since, I never learned to drive or have a job because of the coronavirus and current pregnancy, I feel trapped. I want to feel productive. I know a part of this is a trauma response but I hate just sitting around feeling like an animal on the edge, planning its escape, stuck in a corner.

The reality is: I have housing. I live in transitional housing since 2 years ago I was living in a domestic violence homeless shelter. I have food because I have food stamps. I live in a relatively safe neighborhood so I take walks with the kids.

The only reason that it’s unsafe is because there are the occasional overdose deaths and drug related murders in the area. Also, crack heads. (It’s a rough neighborhood in Kentucky so it’s not like Chicago or Detroit or Puerto Rico after 9 o’clock). 

I have a lot to be grateful for and my basic needs are met but my brain goes into overdrive. It thinks I’m unsafe when I’m actually perfectly fine. That’s PTSD for you. 

I don’t want someone to provide me with happiness. I need to provide that for myself because I will never be happy until I can be happy with myself. 

Making my podcast makes me happy. Writing makes me happy. Teaching my children new skills and walking with them and showing them the world makes me happy. Sharing stories and laughs with people makes me happy. Learning new things. Trying new things. Painting. Art. Scholarly pursuits. Hiking. Lifting weights. These activities make me happy. 

I don’t want to operate from a world of hurt anymore. I don’t want other people to control my thoughts or destiny but the reality is they never controlled my life. I always did. 

People’s insecurities control their lives. 

I’m a nerdy person. I have been blessed with a life full of experiences because of my upper crust upbringing. Truth be told, at least at my father’s house, all of my physical needs were met. I was fed. My clothing was picked out for me even as a teenager. My makeup was picked out by my ex-step mother. The food I ate was monitored. I had all of the basic needs met but they were all controlled because I had my father’s reputation to uphold. My physical needs were met but, emotionally, I was completely neglected. 

I was not allowed to be an individual. I had to be a cookie cutter suburban kid. My mom tried her best to provide my siblings and me enriching experiences that allowed us to grow as individuals. I think she was trying to counteract what my father was doing but my mom is problematic herself. I love her and I know she tried her best but I’m hurting from her trauma responses and I am learning how to forgive her and my dad for what they did. They refuse to be accountable. 

Age is nothing but a number and it certainly does not make you wise. 

I can only make myself happy. I have to teach my children how to do things for themselves and make themselves happy. Despite the fact that my emotional needs were not met as a child, I can learn how to manage my needs as an adult. I can love my inner child. I can love me. 

Another epiphany I had the other day is that I can still love someone and not be with them in a romantic capacity especially if we both have to work on ourselves. 

I have to work on myself. They have to work on themselves. 

I want to change the world and that’s possible if I believe in myself. I need to stand tall in who I am and allow myself to blossom. 

I want a house. I have goals for myself. I want to build a college fund for my children. I want to go back to school. I want a successful blog and podcast because I want to promote healing in other people. I want to heal. 

I genuinely want toxic people to get better because we shouldn’t operate from a world of trauma and hurt. We have to learn how to overcome that so we can heal the world and stop perpetuating generational trauma.