#not even annoying im just scared they'll get sick of me if im too.... too everything ig

[mwagneto]

ppl will literally hold my face in both hands and look me in the eyes and say im the most perfect person they know and that im important to them and they want to be there for me. and ill still be like uhm what if they're just saying it to be nice but secretly hate my guts

[roosterr]

white flag ✹ ch 4

note: i had to rewrite this chapter TWICE. im sick of it so pls enjoy. also forgot to mention on here that I have been away this week on a little holiday. didn't stop me writing tho lol.

pairing: ghost x gn!reader

wc: 2.3k

no use of y/n

readers callsign is 'stingray'

summary: while you're gone on a mission, ghost has time to ponder your relationship, and comes to a long awaited realisation

warnings: ghost's pov, mentions of blood and injury, lil bit of angst

ao3

【prev】 || 【next】

ghost never knew how to feel about you.

at first, he really did hate you; you were the bright-eyed new recruit with seemingly endless optimism, he simply couldn't help but be annoyed by you. honestly, he half expected you to tap out a week into the job. you were just so… normal, he found it hard to believe you were cut out for this line of work.

of course, he trusted price's decision to hire you, and deep down ghost knew he wouldn't have recruited you if he didn't think you could handle it, but he looked down on you anyway. it didn't matter how good price thought you were, you'd have to earn ghost's respect.

it was infuriating, the way you fit so easily into the dynamic of the team. they all liked you right off the bat, even the captain, who was notoriously hard to impress. he observed you from afar, watching how you easily broke down their walls and fell into place next to them like it was nothing.

if he was honest with himself, he might have even called it jealousy. it seemed that everything was so natural to you; everything that he struggled with, you did with such ease you made it look like child's play. he especially hated the way you could just be a person. you didn't lock up every time someone spoke to you, you didn't need to sit with a visual on every available exit, and you didn't need to analyse every person you met in the fear that the second you turn your back they'll stab you in it.

you pissed him off, but what was worse than anything else about you, is that ghost had to fight with himself not to like you too.

it was the first time he got sent on an assignment with you that he began to understand why everyone seemed to get along with you so well. the ruthless efficiency with which you did your job was almost shocking to see. he couldn't have predicted how well the two of you worked together; like a well oiled machine, by the end of the mission he didn't even need to communicate verbally, you could just tell what his next move would be.

he finally understood why price fought so hard to get you on the one-four-one – and he finally found it in himself to respect you.

but that didn't change the way he felt about you beyond the field. you were soft, too kind, and too optimistic, you weren't hardened by the job like him. so he went out of his way to be tougher on you than he was with the others, and he rationalised it by telling himself he was helping you; that without a little toughening up, this world would break you, and for some reason, he couldn't stand the thought of that.

when you started to resent him back, it made his stomach feel heavy in a way he'd never felt before. it was new, and uncomfortable, and it scared him. he wasn't sure when he first noticed it, but it only got worse when he came to the realisation that you didn't care for him like you did for gaz and soap.

you could joke around so easily with them, but you go quiet when he enters the room. you never meet his eyes, and make sure to never be physical with him. when he addresses you over comms, you answer with a quick 'yes sir' and that's the end of it. ghost would never admit it, but the distance between you hurt – even if it was by design. 

as he lay awake that night, he thought about what it would be like if you treated him the same way you treated the others. he couldn't stop the tiny smile that pulled at his lips as he imagined laughing with you, sitting next to you, touching you.

he imagined you, taking his calloused hand into your own, so gentle and kind like you always were, and the way his pulse skyrocketed scared him into staying up the rest of the night.

after that, the way he saw you changed. where he used to think you were soft – and therefore weak – instead he saw the way you chose to be kind. when once your constant jokes with the others was an inability to take things seriously, now it was your specialty way to keep up morale, and ghost actually found himself chuckling at a few of your quips.

it was like his entire perspective had shifted, everything about you that used to annoy him gradually became something he appreciated about you.

it took him a while, but he finally came to the conclusion that he… liked you. 

but it was bittersweet, because he already knew you didn't want him, and he doubted you ever would. you'd never see him in the same light, he'd ruined his chances before he even knew he wanted one.

maybe it was for the best, though. you deserved better, someone who would treat you right, someone normal. he already knew you didn't want him, and he could never blame you for that. people like you don't fall in love with people like him, that's just the way it is.

so he resigns himself to burying the feelings he harbours for you. you never had to find out, if you did you'd surely be disgusted by someone like him being interested in you. he couldn't handle rejection like that, not from you.

when price told him he'd have to take you in when your house burned down, he was fucking terrified. it shook him to his core, how much he liked the idea of the two of you living under the same roof. he did his best to avoid you, leave you in peace like he assumed you wanted; but you – wonderful, kind you – wouldn't just leave him to his misery.

you were being nice to him, and he couldn't figure out why. he assumed it was because he was doing you a favour by letting you stay with him; he couldn't even trick himself into believing that you might be doing it because you liked him.

every night, he'd go back to that fantasy of existing with you, by your side instead of at arm's length. you were so close, just a single door separating you, his hands started sweating every time he passed by the living room.

he knew he was a goner the morning you woke up before him. he'd scarcely ever seen you in a casual setting, but walking into the kitchen and being greeted by you sitting at the table, the domesticity of it all hit him like a bullet to the chest.

it was exactly what he wanted, and it scared the shit out of him, so he panicked. he needed to stay away from you, for your own good, so he did what the ghost does best.

he ran away.

he didn't even consider what you'd think, he just had to get away, before he said something he'd end up regretting.

when you came through the door, soaking wet, and laid into him – which he knew he deserved – he immediately regretted leaving you behind. seeing you cry, knowing it was because of him, it made him feel sick. he knew he never wanted you to feel that heartache again, especially if it was because of him.

he'd give anything to start again with you, go back to the beginning and do it all right this time, but the only thing he could do was try and make up for what he'd put you through.

the hot chocolate was a peace offering; he knew you loved it – he even knew about the stash you had of it hidden in price's office, away from the other soldiers. he half expected you to just tell him to piss off, but when you accepted it, he felt his heart soar.

it ignited a spark of hope within him. more than anything, he just wanted you to like him, it didn't matter if you never saw him the way he wanted you to.

he intended on waking you up the next evening, before he left for the pub, but when he saw how peaceful you looked while you slept, he couldn't bring himself to disturb you. 

you stayed with gaz and soap most of the night, and he spent the night watching you from the bar and dimly lit corners, assuring himself that you were okay. when it came time to drag you home with him, he had never been so nervous. taking care of people was the exact opposite of his strong suit, especially when they started crying at him.

he almost couldn't believe his ears when you said you liked him.

he'd dragged you home with an arm wrapped around your waist, his head feeling light as a feather. by all accounts, he should've been annoyed at having to look after you in your inebriated state, but he found himself smiling under his mask the whole way home – even when you almost threw up on him.

when you rested your head on his shoulder on the bathroom floor, he might've actually short-circuited. all thoughts except for you evacuated his mind, and a wonderfully warm feeling blossomed in his chest that made his stomach flutter like never before.

he came so close to spilling his guts to you, but then he remembered that you were drunk, and you most likely wouldn't remember it if he did. so he resigned himself to tucking you into bed with an uncharacteristically gentle touch.

the next day, sitting on that park bench with you, laughing with you like he'd wanted to for so long – it was everything to him. it sent his pulse through the roof, it was complicated, and it was so pleasantly warm.

the logical part of him knew that this would only end painfully for him, but found himself willing to risk that if it meant more of these moments with you.

but of course, he'd fucked it all up at the first opportunity. he'd screamed in your face and he had yet to even apologise for it – for any of it. he felt immeasurably guilty, but he was so scared he couldn't even force himself to be around you.

even price had yelled at him for how he'd treated you. you were traumatised, you had a very real phobia as a result of the house fire, and he felt like a fucking fool for not noticing. he swore to himself he'd make it up to you, he'd grovel at your feet for the rest of his life if he had to, and if you never forgave him he still wouldn't blame you.

he regretted it – of course he did. he let his fear consume him; the fear of you getting hurt, of losing you, and not being able to do anything to save you.

almost as soon as the words had passed his lips, he realised what he was doing, he heard himself. the anger in his voice, the fearful look in your eyes as they glistened with tears, it was everything he didn't want to be.

he felt just like his–

no. he refused to even entertain that thought. he'd never be… that. you deserved so, so much better than the broken husk of man that he was. no matter what he did, he would never deserve you; and it was selfish, but he still hoped that you could somehow forgive him.

it's only been a few days since you left on that assignment for laswell, but he's found that being alone in his house didn't bring him the same comfort it used to. the silence never bothered him before, in fact he greatly preferred it, but now it just felt empty. like there was something missing, leaving a hole in the space it used to occupy.

deep down, the rational part of simon knows that it's you, of course it is, but you wanted nothing to do with him right now. he knew he had to fix things, he would never get over the hollow feeling in his chest if he didn't. that's why he was currently standing at the edge of the runway in the middle of the night, watching the ramp of the helo lower to reveal you, gaz, and the captain.

you looked shattered, like you hadn't slept for days – which was probably true – and he was suddenly overcome with the urge to gather you into his arms and not let go. he wondered if the remnants of dried blood that were visible on your hands and face were yours.

he felt his heart rate pick up as you made your way closer to him, his icy stare softening when he sees how you drag your feet across the tarmac.

when you were close enough, he reached his hand out to grasp your arm, opening his mouth to speak, but he never makes contact.

you sidestep him, and he feels his heart break in his chest. any words he was planning on saying die on his tongue as he turns to watch you slip through the doors without a hint of acknowledgement to him.

price gives him a rough pat on the shoulder as he and gaz pass by. "fix it, simon." he murmurs, before disappearing through the doors as well, leaving him alone outside the building.

he will fix it – he'd do whatever it takes because simon doesn't just need you, he's come to the alarming conclusion that he loves you – he just has no idea how.

taglist p1: @sofasoap , @siilvan , @mockerycrow , @i-love-ghost , @projectdreamwalker , @achelois-is-here , @adamsloverboy , @thatchickwiththecamera , @chickensandwich69 , @batmanunicorns523 , @tiny-kasper , @dezibou , @pampeop , @cumbermovels , @goth-boi-atlas , @berryjuicyy , @guiltgoreglory , @postmodernrevolutionist , @untoldshortsofthefandoms , @delilah-grimes , @sunflowerqueen1416 , @luvssemma , @ghostslittlegf , @imonmykneessir , @kenz-ee , @eistro-phobia , @rzmarona , @alanalanalanalanalanna ,

@cathnoneofyourbusiness , @madsothree , @geisterfvhrer , @lazyninjaphilosopher , @aliilium , @koi-feish , @chaoticgoblindev , @clear-your-mind-and-dream , @thrivig-n-jiving , @lesterous , @glitterypirateduck , @slu77ym4nw415ts , @livelaugh-light , @trulylavendedarling , @stateofcatatonia , @rivalriotrenegade , @yoichiislovie , @nirvanaaaonly , @ameliaamareeee , @batmanunicorns523 , @sapientiia , @thesecretwriter , @susanmukami , @ryze1113 , @stars-andfreckles , @spya1 , @tunaa-luvchrm , @tzutology , @kuruksenshi

if your name is crossed out, i can't tag you for whatever reason, sorry! ༼ つ ◕_◕ ༽つ

[hamilvette]

Nobody asked (me) for this, but here I come with my two cents:

Hot take: I don't think King Magnifico would be too thrilled about the idea of having children.

Like, hear me out! I know we would like to think he's so kind and loving and everything, and if you have him with an OC or even with Amaya, we all would like to think of them as they'll have a happy merrier life, but let's be real: I don't think he'd have the goal of having children, and there are A LOT of approaches to that.

The first one, and just for our dearest Magnífico supporters/defenders: his trauma (hahaha)

He would be so terrified of the idea of having children and for them to meet the same destiny he did of losing their family and home, so he wouldn't be too thrilled or even take seriously the idea of having a kid.

As well, he will probably have a ton of nightmares about losing either his partner or the child. Like, this man has such a strong fear of being alone and would like to have control of things, but ofc some things are out of his control.

If parent 2 has female characteristics (sorry, I'm not native in English so I don't know how to get my point here, but I'm referring to if they can have children biologically), Magnífico would absolutely be scared of them getting sick or hurt due to the pregnancy itself. And let's not even begin with childbirth.

Now, to the points I actually wanted to make: why wouldn't Magnífico, personally, wouldn't want kids:

As much as I love him, he's a (slight) narcissist. Ofc he knows he wouldn't live forever (unless the theories of him being already ancient and having extended his lifetime with magic are true) and that he need a heir to keep on with Rosas, and wouldn't absolutely trust anyone to that task, unless he gets to shape said someone.

Which would mean that he could be quite controlling with his child. I'm not sure if he would be either overprotective or just compare himself with the kid sometimes. That typical (narcissistic) parent discourse of: at your age I already knew how to do this and I did that. Blah blah, you get the idea. He wants that child to be good, but might be afraid it's better than him.

I'm also thinking he would also get slightly annoyed at times with the idea of not being the center of attention. Like, he likes granting wishes not only for how kindly he looks at the wishes, but also for the attention, he loves being in the spotlight.

He feels seen and loved by being king, so giving up that feeling would make him feel strange and unsure. He'll probs would have a midlife crisis not knowing what his role would be anymore after making one of his children the new ruler of Rosas, lol.

And probably would be slightly annoyed at times of having to share the attention of his partner with the child. He loves them dearly, but would probably get annoyed that a child requires so much help (cuz for his own trauma, he had to do everything on his own for quite a long time ago, and he would struggle to realise not everyone can and neither should).

Also, him being a slightly narcissistic parent would be such a sh*t show. Like, wow. He obviously wouldn't do it like actually meaning to hurt the child, but his expectations would absolutely be astronomical.

And let's be real: Magnífico isn't the most patient of people. He has, in fact, a lot of patience to spare but everyone has a limit, and a baby requires such a ton of patience. And let's not even begin with a toddler or a teenager.

I can already picture him having a lot of disagreements and heated discussions with his child about the wish system like Asha and Magnífico should've had, and Magnífico would snap at them, even if then regrets it. Parent 2 will have to be the absolute mediator in between them like forever.

Probs Magnífico would be a harsh parent. Not a bad one, but he will have high expectations and rules for his children. I'm picturing him to be like King Triton, so...

CHRIST. I KNOW I MADE HIM LOOK LIKE AN AWFUL PARENT, BUT I DON'T THINK HE'LL BE. IM SURE HE'LL ALWAYS TRY TO DO HIS BEST, ALWAYS! But no parent is perfect, sadly. 😩

I could also make the other side of the coin: what things Magnífico would be thrilled about having a child, but in another time lol.

[noodleshark]

Terror fam Headcannons 3

or i guess facts, since theyre my ocs now.

Raffi has an animal special interest

He has thought about what animals him and his family would be VERY IN DEPTH

Sori is awful with names

She named herself after her special interest(her name is sound in korean and her special interest is music)

She heard paru say the japanese word for friend before and picked up on it, you'll never guess what she came up with when yujin asked for a new name

When they get a cat, he names it the korean word for CAT

oh speaking of sori knowing korean: Raffi is Malaysian, Raine is brazilian, Yujin is british, sori's korean, obviously, and paru is japanese and british

Sori does not know shes korean

Raine can't spell in english and sori cant spell at all

Raffi likes bugs and refuses to wear bug spray. but then he'll get annoyed about being itchy from bites

During any holiday with fireworks he throws those popit things at raine's feet.

Raine would wear shoes in bed if paru didnt tell her she wont snuggle with her if she does that

Sori does that thing where sometimes if she wants to cuddle she'll just go inbetween those 2

one of the things from being a monster for a lil bit(design change pending), she can purr now!

When she was little she had a cat but she got seperated when she was 6

when raffi sees yujins eyes for the first time he just goes "harbor seal"

in july raine started to try to teach sori how to swim

Sori had an ED for a while so when one day he(nervously) asked raine to make something specific for one of their meals she was like "🥺 yeah of course!!!"

she always made them what they wanted when they asked for like 2 months

Along with the ED it also helped with sori's issues with control!!!

Oh related to the harbor seal comment: When Yujin saved sori from the bullies(name and lore change is an eventuality, those names are stand ins) she had a concussion and could see his eyes she was just like "kitty!!!"

Raine has seen multiple kids die from sicknesses so she gets very anxious when one of the others get sick

she usually can't sleep and just sits by their bed just to know they're still breathing

Yujin has a BIG sweet tooth

but he CANNOT handle sour stuff

whenever raffi has some sour candy he begs for some and raffi always warns him, yet yujin eats it anyways. everytime

When they have campfires together people switch out to sit with yujin because he's afraid of fire

Paru has picked up on some portugese from raine's flashbacks

she cant converse in the language though because its only stuff like "die" "died" "dead" "parents" "theyre dead" "im gonna die" "help (me)" "theyre gonna kill me"

Sori gets mobility aids when she's 11

Yujin likes outer space

he probably has a space blanket and telescope

Sori has a weighted blanket!

She puts it around herself when shes scared or upset about something that makes touch feel gross at the moment

Sori loves plushies and probably has the most cat plushies out of any animal or anything

She kept an orange cat plushie the broadcaster got when she was in the radio station with him

when raffi has flashbacks or freaks out really bad in a way that isnt a sensory meltdown, sori hides under a blanket or leaves the room so she wont freak him out more

one time she didnt, either it took her too long to realize what was happening or the first time it happened and he screamed as soon as he saw her

Raffi's worst sensory expirence is usually bright lights while Sori's is loud noises

Raine sometimes sings sori to sleep

When sori is cuddling with someone, espicially raine and paru but this also applies to yujin, it is SO hard for them to move bc they'll make a sleepy grumbly noise and also theyre baby, this is even worse during bad pain days

Raine eventually just started to carry sori around.

one time paru and raine had to have a serious conversation(about one of sori's traumas that paru just found out about and raine knew for a while) but sori was laying on paru's thigh so she just covered his ears

Yujin had a tough time transitioning to having his own room bc fears about being alone so he slowly adjusted by sleeping in sori's room a lot and slowly started to sleep in his more

Paru thinks that curly-afrotextured hair is fun to style to she likes to mess around with raine's

[everything-i-couldnt-tell-u]

i dont know what the reason is but im so sensitive when it comes to you. you're special to me so i end up expecting more from you than from other people but it only makes me get too vulnerable. i get triggered way too easily when it's you. small changes in your tone or actions easily threatens me. i dont know if its because of the past which made me unnecessarily scared of even the slightest changes in you. i feel my chest getting tight when your tone sounds like i might done something that pissed you off, or when you dont reply then i get anxious cause how will i know if you're just busy doing something or if you're already dead? not gonna lie, i sometimes even end up hyperventilating due to the amount of anxiety that consumes me.

tbh im still bothered by the time you said you were gonna kys. i thought i wasnt affected by it too much after finding out you were okay naman, but i guess that was only because i havent processed it yet.

not to be selfish and im not saying that anyone should be prioritizing my feelings over their own cause i know you were going through things that time, but it was so sudden. that very experience continuously tells me i might not be worth much for everyone i've met to consider how i would feel before they suddenly do things.

not just with you, but it made me realize that it's the same with everyone else. i havent met a person who considers how i feel before they do something and that's usually the common reason that repeatedly hurts me. people say what they did was a "mistake" but my feelings feel like they're never gonna be considered. i just look "too sensitive" to everyone and its always they "didnt know it would affect me like that" and i'd be dramatic if i feel too hurt over it.

this feeling im trying to deal with wasnt caused by you, but i think it's due to the repeated experience of getting hurt after people dont consider what i feel. a lot of people have hurt me the same way and i should be used to it atp. it just got triggered cause i trusted you too much again which is still my fault cause i should stop expecting too much.

mom says sorry about the awful stuff she said before cause she failed to consider how it would affect me, but im already far too hurt to still be capable of trusting words. and the time before you tried to kys, you did try telling me that you care about me. but after that, i'll see you suddenly disappear. please dont think na makapal muka ko for me to feel hurt over it cause you're not obligated to stay with me in the first place and it's my fault for getting too attached if i get hurt. pero that very thing where you said you cared, but after a few days suddenly disappear? made me lose the capability to trust that i really meant much to you and made me to further lose the capability to trust words too. cause your words sounded like you were saying you genuinely care and would stay with me even if i wouldnt be of use to you, but your actions made me feel like you did care but not enough to consider how i'd feel before doing things. again, im not trying to guilt trip you over it. i think i just need to admit that i was really hurt a lot.

whenever i experience people making me feel like they didnt consider how much i'll get affected by something they've done in the past, i lose the ability to trust that they actually care. since im aware that they're capable of doing something that has hurt me severely, what reason do i have to not fear they might do it again in the future?

and then my friends only like talking about themselves too. they suddenly get dry or just straight up show it to my face that they'll never care once i start talking about myself. that's why the slightest change in your tone scares the shit out of me and i randomly get triggered in fear that i might've done something wrong. that i might have annoyed you the same way and i might've done the same mistake that might've caused my former friends to get sick of me.

i might be unreasonable for instantly changing the way i perceive people and withdrawing my trust despite knowing that those people who've made me feel hurt never meant it, but i dont know how long i can continue ignoring how i really feel. even if i know that people didn't mean it, that they never intended for it to hurt me like that, it doesnt change the fact that im still hurt.

im gonna make it clear again that i dont hate you nor am i still angry about those things in the past. but i am still very much affected by those and they come back to haunt me. im so scared of trusting anyone or anything now. i still care about you, but it's just that the amount of trust i have for you isn't the same as before. and because of that, i dont want to get too close to you anymore. im already far too scared of getting hurt even further. i no longer feel safe expressing my love for you cause it just makes me anxious. i still care about you, but i dont think i'd be capable of showing that too much because i cant trust that it would be worth it. and also, i didn't freely express my love and adoration for you back then because i expected to gain it back. those were genuine, and all really expected was that my love would be safe in your hands. i thought i wouldnt be hurt and disappointed for choosing to do that even if it makes me so vulnerable, but i cant do that anymore even if i want to.

to be honest i dont know if i should keep staying with you since i know how easily i get triggered with you, but how the hell am i gonna do that when i have already loved and still love you? i sometimes try convincing myself that i hate you and that im just too attached to you. i try denying it because it hurts too much to still love someone that has already hurt me. it hurts to still crave for your attention and validation even after everything. it feels wrong to still want to spend time with you and keep loving you, to still want to consider you as the most special person to me when you're also one of those persons that have hurt me the most. but the fact that you're one of those persons that have hurt me the most isn't because you've done anything worse to me than other people have. it's still due to me trusting and expecting too much that i'd be safe with you that has made the small things you've done affect me more than it should've only had.

i dont want to consider cutting ties as an option again cause i always regret it. i cant seem to figure out if a big part of me is dependent on you that's why i still dont want to leave even if it hurts? i dont know if i just maybe need a lot of time to recover?

i am very sure though that i do not hate you, and i know that i will still choose to stay with you. if there's a way to get this fixed without cutting ties involved, i want it but i dont know how that's supposed to happen.

if i do take a break from talking to you, it leads me to getting consumed in doubt and i'll start making assumptions about you and cause how i see you get even more distorted. but if i do continue talking to you, i get more exposed to stuff that easily gets me triggered.

but even if you try to reassure me or repeatedly say that you care, you're genuine, or that you could be trusted, it just never works. i really cant trust words cause i never have anything that can prove it. maybe i can trust actions more than words, but we only talk through chat so i dont know if that can be done. and even if requesting for that would help me trust you back and not get too sensitive, i feel like it's too much to ask for. i'll just feel guilty over it. i'll feel like a burden cause why do you have to do that much just for the sake of helping me? it's gonna require too much of your patience and time, and i dont think i have the right to ask for that. i've never even done anything for you but get too sensitive over the smallest things and drag you into my own mess all because my mental state is so fucked up and i complicate everything.

i dont know if im just making assumptions, but i feel like you're slowly getting sick of me. i've been very reluctant to tell you everything i've said here cause i dont wanna ruin your day. i dont want to add up to your problems. im scared cause of how many times i've already broke down like this. im scared that telling you how i really feel will make you hate me.

i dont want to look like im playing the victim again if ever that's how it looks like while you're reading this, but all of what i said is half of how i really feel. don't worry cause the happy side i show when talking to you are still all genuine. these feelings i only confessed right now were the ones i try to hide because i fear that you wouldn't want to see them. these feelings i repress are only the stuff i feel after talking to you, after something accidentally triggers it. im scared that you might get angry or react violently if i admit that i got hurt, im scared that you might get offended.

i didnt say all of this to vent out the pain i feel on you. i just think i should let you know how i really feel. and also im not letting you know how i feel to gain a sorry or reassurance or anything else. i dont really need you to reply to this or do anything, but i just really want you to hear me out. i only said all of that because i wanted to be honest and i just hope it can clear up some things maybe?

although if you are getting sick of me, if i've been doing or if i've said stuff that you dont like, please tell me. please tell me if you still wont mind having me around or if you're no longer comfortable with me after everything i said here. sorry if this was way too long again to read btw

im not sure if im only feeling like this due to my period and i might regret saying all this to you, but its better to let you know than to hide how i feel

[princess-pill-enjoyer]

I for the first time ever I deleted a post. I'm gonna make that a habit from here on. I'm trying to work on how I communicate when I'm upset annnnd I very clearly was not in the right space at that moment.

Though now that I'm out that daze I don't know how to pick up the pieces. I don't know why I quit but I did atp knowing full well I do not have the money for my uni debt installment.. I nonchalantly took 700 right after rhe fact planning on easing up to much much more in the hopes of escaping that whole situation

I got scared, didn't do the rest, discovered that our landlord was doing an inspection soon, and finally, used that as an excuse and pushed it off til then

And now?

Today is the day of. Well actually ig its the day after now. It's 1:50 am and Saturday atp lol. Dooms day was technically supposed to be on Fri

I've been feeling so trapped. I genuinely don't know what to do from here. Its so fucking stupid. If I could have pushed through for just a week or two longer half of this issue wouldn't even matter. But no. I got so frustrated I just quit on the spot and I was already being stupid before too. I just can't get over this fucking hurdle. I can't. It's like anything I don't want to do just turns into the bigger than it ever needs to be and it takes my all to just get through it. That shit is so draining

But my god like it's not draining enough to where I need to like whole ass unalive myself.. shit. Everytime I come out that daze I cringe at how overdramatic I sound. It's because of my giant problem with asking for help. It is HORRIBLE. The thought of telling anyone what I've been struggling with just sounds like an emotional mess

But everytime I think on it, it feels more and more like my only option is to hurt myself. I so desperately need psychiatric help but who has the money for that? If I don't hurt myself, it won't be considered urgent enough for them to get me help right away. Plus they'd get annoyed with my constant excuses. Not to say they wouldn't still be mad if I were to do something like that.. tho least they'd know it's different this time.

But on the other is it right for me to purposely weaponize my self inflicted suffering to get help right when I want it? Is it manipulative? Is it a necessary sacrifice? I've been wanting this for so long. If i could just keep my head on straight for long enough maybe I could fucking afford it myself.

That's what I hate about it. It's a two in one fuck up. I have $300 I'm somehow supposed to poof up by the end of the month. Tbh I have like $170 more I need to sort out too but it's not as urgent lol. But thennnn that whole sink hole issue plus me quitting.. AGAIN

I literally don't know what to do. I don't want to do it again. I fucking hate the taste, the feel, the everything. I relapsed out of pure desperation and i still was miserable. Worst two days of my life. I felt so pathetic

So now it makes it sting so much worse for that being all that I can think of. Ik I'd get help. But god.. do I have to feel that shit to get it? Do I really have to? What are my other options tho

Jesus. I am so ready to shut down and hopefully just stop breathing. I'm terrified of how bad I'm gonna hurt after I take them all. But I really don't see any other options. The thought of asking for help makes me sick. They're not gonna take it seriously. Ik they'd cheese along originally but they'll get annoyed and hate me. Plus what am I gonna do in December? I still have debt to pay then. That shit is still gon be due.. that's another $200 I need to 100% have or else im gonna fuck up everything. My mom's cosigned on my student loan I literally can't fuck it up.

I've been depersonalizing, dry heaving, and ofc boohooing about it all for so many days. I just want to shut down and not do anything anymore. I don't want to do anything atp. I just don't want to be stuck throwing up and dehydrated again. It feels so gross.

I want to talk to R about it. Disregarding all the extra shit we've been doing lately. Im putting all that bs aside for now. I know that she went through similar. That is it. I hope she's not too busy