#not danmei but im putting it here bc i think the freaks (affectionate) here specifically

[lbhslefttiddie]

tbh something thats really interesting to me is that having both adhd and autism sometimes feels like having a broken leg, trying to put your weight on the other leg, only to realize oops!! that one's broken too!! but sometimes it feels like. idk like they help with the other. like im still sorta parsing this one and im certainly no professional or expert on how these things work, but it like. the things Autism Brain cant tolerate or fixate on are sometimes the only things that get ADHD Brain to stop procrastinating on things i need to do. sometimes it feels like facets of ADHD, like my easy enthusiasm for talking about anything I find even remotely interesting and desire to form connections with people (read: experience the dopamine rush of Person Approval) help both offset times where i lean toward not speaking at all, and complements the part of me that is obsessed with Winning At Being A Human Being. sometimes i think the only reason i survived and graduated highschool undiagnosed for autism and unmedicated for adhd was that in a weird, dysfunctional way, they were making up for certain lacks in the other just barely enough to keep anyone from quite catching the threads of what exactly the hell was up with me until i became an adult and needed figure out for myself why everything was still so fucking difficult.

and funnier still is that in some ways it helped, and made things easier when i was a kid and didnt have support for these things, and in some ways it made things harder, bc in retrospect, considering my unique position approaching adulthood, if i had coped just a little bit worse back then i probably COULD have gotten more support for them at a time where i had more supports in general. like it helped me cover some of my weaknesses to a certain extent, but without understanding what they were or what caused them or understanding why i could manage them, and when things changed and i no longer Could cope, i had to scramble to figure out why and how to make things Work Again, which overall has been a balls experience which i would not recommend

its like my adhd and my autism have been locked in a toxic codependent homoerotic relationship where if they relied on each other a little less, they might have been able to realize that the way they covered for each other both didnt actually help improve their issues, and only allowed them to fester and rot under the surface until the whole thing proved ultimately unsustainable, and now im mad bc this would actually be a really compelling ship dynamic to me