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cabensonsgirly · 3 years ago

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👼These Violent Delights Have Violent Ends (Multi-char)[NSFW]👼

Multiple SP characters x fem!reader

Xandra, Billie-Dean, Ally Mayfair, Anne Gillette, Audrey Tindall, Wilhemina Venable, Ellie Staple, Diane Sherman, Mildred Ratched.

👼Slice 1👼

Co-authored with @billiedeannovak even though she’ll deny it.

👼Wordcount: 3111👼

👼Published on AO3: Read Here👼

👼Content (some for later parts):Super AU, Dubious consent, slow-burn, manipulation, face-slapping, drug-use, alcohol, smut, cunnilingus, strap-on, cum, choking, degradation, sex-work, court, mentions of murder-suicide, descriptions of violence, bruises, choking, spit, mommy kink, humiliation, public sex/teasing👼

👼D.A. Novak: What was the reason for the altercation?

Clark: There was a customer that had been trying to… Pressure Ms. Gillette into giving him information about how she is able to obtain such wonderful pieces for her gallery. She had asked him numerous times to leave but he didn’t. Instead he had grabbed her wrist and tried- tried taking her to somewhere out of view but she had punched him and broken out of his grasp. The man retaliated by pushing her causing her to fall in which she twisted her ankle and fractured her wrist. She was able to get up with my assistance where she then punched him with her uninjured hand. 👼

PEOPLE OF THE STATE OF NEW YORK

ANNE GILLETTE

Court: Members of the Jury, Anne Gillette has been charged in two counts with the crime of murder in violation of Penal Code §187. The information alleges that on or about December 17, 2010, in Manhattan, New York, the defendant, Anne Gillette, did kill Bert Gillette and Elaine Gillette, in violation of Penal Code §187. To this charge, Anne Gillette, has entered a plea of not guilty.

Court: District Attorney Casey Novak you may call your first witness.

D.A. Novak: Your Honour, the People call Adeline Clark.

CLERK SWEARS IN THE WITNESS

AND HAS WITNESS STATE HER NAME.

D.A. Novak: How are you employed, Miss Clark?

Clark: I am employed as an assistant at Ms. Gillette’s Art Gallery.

D.A. Novak: Back in early April, 2010, did you call the police to the gallery because the defendant, Anne Gillette, had injured and been injured in an altercation?

Clark: Yes, I did.

D.A. Novak: Do you remember which officers responded to the call out?

Clark: No. I wasn’t introduced to them once they arrived. I had been tending to Ms. Gillette’s injuries.

D.A. Novak: Do you remember what the altercation was about?

Clark: Yes, I do.

D.A. Novak: What was the reason for the altercation?

D.A. Novak: How did you manage to call the police so that they would arrive before the perpetrator fled?

Clark: I was able to call the police with the earpiece we have to take calls while we are away from the phone so that was how I was able to help Ms. Gillette get up. The man had been knocked back and looked like he was a bit surprised by Ms. Gillette’s actions so that’s how the police arrived before he was able to make a run for it.

D.A Novak: Is this the first time that Ms. Gillette has been involved in some altercation while you were present?

Clark: No. There have been a lot of people that harass her while we are out and about. I am usually able to stop them from getting to her but sometimes they get too close.

D.A. Novak: Were you with Ms. Gillette the day of Bert and Elaine Gillette’s murder?

Clark: I was.

D.A. Novak: Where were you both between the hours of two and five am?

Clark: We were getting ready to go to Paris to meet connections in the art world so that we could get a wider variety of pieces for the gallery.

D.A. Novak: Did Gillette leave at any point during those three hours?

Clark: No.

D.A. Novak: Do you see Ms. Gillette in court today?

Clark: I do.

D.A. Novak: Could you please point her out for the jury?

Clark: She’s sitting right there. (Pointing to the defendant)

D.A. Novak: No further questions, Your Honour.

Court: Defence Counsel Rita Calhoun, you may cross examine.

Defence

Counsel

Calhoun: So Ms. Gillette is often subject to unwarranted harassment while you both go about your day?

Clark: Yes she is. I have tried convincing her to get private security, but she insists that it isn’t necessary.

D.C. Calhoun: Do you have an opinion as to whether she has done anything to warrant such treatment from the public?

Clark: She has done nothing but try and run her business. She has me send ten percent of profits to charities at the end of each business month.

D.C. Calhoun: By the way, Ma’am, who provided Gillette the funds to start her gallery in the first place?

Clark: Her parents, Bert and Elaine Gillette.

D.C. Calhoun: She had backing by her parents?

Clark: Yes she did. They hoped that she succeeded at something for once in her life.

D.C. Calhoun: Now, when you were at her residence the day of the alleged murder, are you positive that Gillette did not leave the property?

Clark: Positive!

D.C. Calhoun: No further questions, Your Honour.

Court: Miss Clark you may step down. Any additional witnesses on behalf of the People?

D.A. Novak: Your Honour, the People call Nigel Prestwick.

CLERK SWEARS IN THE WITNESS

AND HAS WITNESS STATE HIS NAME.

D.A. Novak: How do you know the defendant Ms. Gillette?

Prestwick: She had been accused of stealing money from the Prestwick Foundation, making donations to recipients which supposedly were her. However, the case was closed due to the money being replaced.

D.A. Novak: Despite this, recently you decided to press embezzlement charges, correct?

D.C. Calhoun: Objection! Mr. Prestwick was put under duress and blackmailed to press charges by Detective Olivia Benson and Detective Ashok Ramsey.

Court: Objection sustained.

D.A. Novak: Requesting permission to approach the bench, Your Honour.

Court: Granted.

D.A. NOVAK AND D.C. CALHOUN

APPROACH THE STAND.

Casey runs her lithe fingers through her hair as she lets out a frustrated sigh, glaring at Rita as though the woman herself had committed the murder. Rita simply quirked a brow, an amused smile tugging slightly at her lips, “What is the issue, Novak? We both know that Prestwick was blackmailed into pressing those charges by Benson and Ramsey.” The Judge gives Casey a look of disbelief “Is this true?”

The red head supresses the urge to roll her eyes and cuss Rita out and deny it, but she was under oath and getting caught out in a lie wouldn’t end well for anyone. “It’s hardly blackmail. Benson and Ramsey just took a photo of Prestwick in a compromising position and said that he either go ahead with embezzlement charges or they show the videos of him to his wife. At least it’s not fuc- At least it’s not murder” she hisses out angrily.

Rita shakes her head and looks at the Judge “Can the witness be removed from the stand because of this, Your Honour?” The Judge nods and motions for them to return to their respective places. A thoroughly perturbed Casey makes her way back and scribbles something down on paper, throwing one last glare at Rita; The older woman returns to sit beside the defendant, whispering in her ear “the Judge is going to dismiss the witness. Don’t worry, I’ll make sure you are found not-guilty.”

Court: The witness, Nigel Prestwick is dismissed due to unscrupulous methods being used in order to get charges pressed against the defendant.

Court: Mr. Prestwick you may step down. Any additional witnesses on behalf of the People?

D.A. Novak: Your Honour, the People call Detective Ashok Ramsey.

CLERK SWEARS IN THE WITNESS

AND HAS WITNESS STATE HIS NAME.

D.A. Novak: Detective, how do you know the defendant?

Ramsey: I have been investigating her for a while now for tax evasion, and embezzlement.

D.C. Calhoun: Objection! Relevance. We are here because the defendant has been accused of murder, not tax evasion and embezzlement where the charges have already been dropped.

Court: Objection sustained. Change line of questioning or dismiss the witness.

D.A. Novak: Fine. The prosecution rests.

Court: Defence Counsel Calhoun, do you wish to cross-examine?

D.C. Calhoun: No, your Honour.

Court: Detective Ramsey you may step down. Any additional witnesses on behalf of the People?

D.C. Calhoun: The defence calls the Chief of Detectives, Muldrew.

CLERK SWEARS IN MULDREW AND

ASKS HIM TO STATE HIS NAME.

D.C. Calhoun: Fancy seeing you here, Chief Muldrew.

Muldrew: It has been awhile, Ms. Calhoun.

D.C. Calhoun: You have had previous encounters with my client where you, and a previous witness Mr. Prestwick-

D.A. Novak: Objection. Relevance, what does this have to do with the current case?

D.C. Calhoun: There will be a follow up question, your Honour.

Court: Overruled. Get to the point, Calhoun.

D.C. Calhoun: As I was saying… Your previous interactions with my client have been in regard to previous charges being dropped, yes?

Muldrew: Yes, that’s correct.

D.C. Calhoun: Is it true that with this case, you said to Olivia Benson, Ashok Ramsey, and Elliot Stabler that unless they can prove definitively that my client, Ms. Anne Gillette was the culprit, that they would be on their own?

Muldrew: Well…

D.C. Calhoun: Is it true or not, Chief Muldrew?

Muldrew: Yes it is.

D.C. Calhoun: Did you think that there was enough evidence that pointed towards Ms. Gillette before the investigation had begun formally?

Muldrew: It was hard to say at that time-

D.C. Calhoun: It’s a yes or no question, Chief.

Muldrew: No, I didn’t.

D.C. Calhoun: Upon finding out that Ms. Gillette was in the company of Miss Clark, whom I might add has no criminal record, the time Ms. Gillette committed the alleged murder, did you think that your team was desperate to get her behind bars seeing as she has gotten off previous charges?

Muldrew: …yes.

D.C. Calhoun: My apologies, Chief Muldrew, I didn’t quite catch that, could you repeat yourself a bit louder into the microphone please?

Muldrew: Yes I did- do think that the detectives were just wanting to see Ms. Gillette put behind bars because they were unable to get her on prior charges.

D.C. Calhoun: Were you aware of the methods the detectives used in order to get Mr. Prestwick to go through with pressing charges?

D.A. Novak: Objection. Relevance.

D.C. Calhoun: It was during this current investigation that Mr. Prestwick was blackmailed. The question is relevant.

Court: Overruled. Might do you some good to pay attention, Novak.

D.C. Calhoun: Chief Muldrew, your answer please.

Muldrew: No, I was not aware of it until today.

D.C. Calhoun: Were you also unaware of Ms. Gillette being set-up so that a confession could be coerced out of her in unusual and stressful circumstances?

Muldrew: No, I wasn’t aware of that. By this point I did not see enough solid evidence to link Ms. Gillette to the crime, so the team were off on their own.

D.C. Calhoun: Were you aware of what Detectives Benson, Ramsey, and Stabler were up to, would you have let them continue on their warpath?

Muldrew: No, I wouldn’t have. There is a right way and a wrong way to go about investigating crimes, especially ones as high-profile as this.

D.C. Calhoun: No further questions, your Honour.

Court: District Attorney Novak, you may cross-examine.

D.A. Novak: No thank you, your Honour.

Court: Chief of Detective Muldrew, you may step down. Defence Counsel Calhoun, does the defence wish to call any witnesses?

D.C. Calhoun: The defence calls the defendant, Anne Gillette.

CLERK SWEARS IN MS. GILLETTE AND ASKS HER TO STATE HER NAME.

D.C. Calhoun: Ms. Gillette, prior to the incident, how was your gallery doing?

Gillette: It was doing well thanks to my assistant.

D.C. Calhoun: When did you hire Miss Clark for that position?

Gillette: It seems like so long ago. I think it was roughly around mid-January.

D.C. Calhoun: Why did you decide to hire Miss Clark as an assistant after unsuccessfully trying to run galleries in the past?

Gillette: My- My parents they… thought that I deserved one more chance to do something that I was- am passionate about. I didn’t want to disappoint them again because that’s all that I seemed capable of doing. So… I looked around and discovered that most successful gallery owners have assistants to help them.

D.C. Calhoun: Has Miss Clark met the deceased before?

Gillette: She has.

D.C. Calhoun: Was she aware of you being the sole heir to the estate?

Gillette: She was not until my parents brought it up in conversation one day.

D.C. Calhoun: Was she, Miss Clark, aware of how strained your relationship with your parents had been?

Gillette: No. I didn’t think the past would be beneficial towards the future of my business as well as re-building the relationship with my parents. I wanted her to have an unbiased opinion of them.

D.C. Calhoun: Were your parents still happy together?

D.A. Novak: Objection! The defendants answer would be hearsay.

Court: Objection sustained.

D.C. Calhoun: Did you have concern for your father’s mental well-being before he killed your mother before himself?

Gillette: Of course, but I- I didn’t- I never thought he was capable of… killing my mother… He was your typical man, didn’t really like discussing mental health but I knew that he would occasionally see someone. I- I don’t know what changed in those twenty-four hours…

D.C. Calhoun: Why was the trip postponed until the day the deceased were found dead?

Gillette: I suggested that they wait another day because my mother was still recovering from the flu. I didn’t think travelling at the time would be a pleasant experience due to her still being ill. I know from personal experience that traveling while sick is absolutely miserable, so I only wanted both my parents to enjoy their time.

D.C. Calhoun: Were you and Miss Clark actually packing at that hour for a flight to Paris?

Gillette: Yes we were. We had done an online check-in for the flight so that by the time we made it to the airport we wouldn’t need to stress over running late.

D.C. Calhoun: No further questions.

Court: Cross examination, District Attorney Novak?

D.A. Novak: Ms. Gillette, you have a history of failure and criminal charges, correct?

D.C. Calhoun: Objection. Relevance to the current case as no charges were successfully pressed.

Court: Sustained. Change line of questioning.

D.A. Novak: You spent all the money you were given in your trust fund from your parents, correct?

D.C. Calhoun: Objection. Relevance.

D.A. Novak: There will be a follow-up question, your Honour.

Court: Overruled. That question better be relevant, Novak.

D.A. Novak: Thank you, your Honour. Ms. Gillette, your answer please.

Gillette: I did, yes.

D.A. Novak: Is it true that you were upset that your mother had been discussing whether or not to remove you from their will?

Gillette: I was, but-

D.A. Novak: Did you threaten to kill your mother if she did not keep you on the will?

D.C. Calhoun: Objection. Leading question.

Court: Sustained.

D.A. Novak: Why was your name still on the will if your mother had reason to remove you from it?

Gillette: How would I know that?

D.A. Novak: Miss Clark said that you often find yourself getting involved in altercations, is this true?

Gillette: Yes. She said it under-oath so why would she lie when the consequences would be more severe than just telling the truth?

D.A. Novak: I’m surprised you know the consequences, Ms. Gillette, but it’s not entirely surprising seeing as you have had run-ins with the law before-

D.C. Calhoun: Objection. What is the point?

Court: Sustained. Hurry up and get to the point, Novak.

D.A. Novak: Your history of run-ins leads one to believe that you are rather volatile. Have you ever hit or injured one or both of your parents?

D.C. Calhoun: Objection. Relevance.

Court: Overruled. Novak, continue.

D.A. Novak: Thank you. Ms. Gillette?

Gillette: No. I haven’t.

D.A. Novak: I find that hard to believe, Ms. Gillette seeing as, if we are to believe what Miss Clark has been saying is true, you often react physically when an altercation arises.

Gillette: I act in self-defence. I have never gone out of my way to deliberately injure someone! You can’t blame me for my parent’s death when I wasn’t even there!

D.A. Novak: Yes, Ms. Gillette, I do blame you. No further questions, your Honour.

Court: Ms. Gillette, you may step down. Defence Counsel Calhoun, any further witnesses?

D.C. Calhoun: The defence rests.

Court: We will now hear closing arguments of counsel. District Attorney Novak you may proceed.

D.A. Novak: Members of the jury – the evidence is undisputed that the defendant, Ms. Gillette brutally murdered her parents. The evidence shows that Ms. Gillette has a history of run-ins with the law as well as physical altercations. She also is clearly incapable of being smart with her money, and seeing as she is the sole heir to the Gillette Estate she has more than enough motive to commit this atrocious act. Ms. Gillette’s mother had been contemplating removing her from the will which, the defendant admitted, upset her considerably. The detectives investigating this case have reason to believe that this was indeed a homicide committed by Ms. Gillette and not a murder-suicide committed by Mr. Bert Gillette!

Court: Defence Counsel Calhoun, you may proceed with your closing argument.

D.C. Calhoun: Members of the jury. My client, Ms. Gillette, is not guilty of this charge. The investigation was unjust from the start; Ms. Gillette was coerced into her confession under rather dubious circumstances, and Prestwick was blackmailed into pressing charges. The detectives have been gunning for Ms. Gillette to be sent down from the beginning. We have even heard from Chief Muldrew that he thought the detectives were out of order and were behaving inappropriately considering how high profile that this case is. Miss Clark and Ms. Gillette were at Ms. Gillette’s residence preparing for their flight and we have heard in Miss Clark’s testimony that Ms. Gillette did not leave the premises between the hours of two and five am. It is clear that there is an unfair bias towards Ms. Gillette which has narrowed their perspective. Bert Gillette had a history of mental health issues and unfortunately it seems that they got the better of him resulting in the untimely death of Elaine Gillette before he took his own life. Ms. Gillette did not kill her parents. She is not guilty.

Court: Court is adjourned while the Jury retire to deliberate.

As soon as the Judge has left the room as well as the Jury, the courtroom is filled with the sound of people talking, only just able to be passed off as aggressive whispering. Rita lets out a breath she felt like she had been holding since Anne took the stand but surprisingly, she held her own and didn’t have one of her notorious outbursts. She sorts her papers out and puts them in her folder, a somewhat cocky smirk on her face, “I have a good feeling about this, Ms. Gillette.” Anne laughs lightly and stands up alongside Rita “I would expect nothing less from you, Ms. Calhoun. You are one of the best after all.”

#Anne Gillette x reader #Wilhemina Venable x reader #Ally Mayfair x reader #Billie Dean x reader #Audrey Tindall x reader #Xandra x reader #Rita Calhoun #Casey Novak #Olivia Benson #svu #ahs cult #ahs murder house #ahs roanoke #ahs apocalypse #Ellie staple x reader #Diane Sherman x reader #Mildred Ratched x reader

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katierosefun · 3 years ago

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i originally had a september wrap-up post queued but then tumblr fucking ate it, which made me very angry because i didn’t want to re-type the whole thing, but i’m procrastinating, so here i am, re-typing the whole thing of all the things i watched/consumed over the month of september, even if it’s a little late: (it’s fine, i didn’t watch a whole ton of stuff except...a lot of kdramas lmao. oh, and visions.)

k-dramas:

beyond evil

okay, so i think this has been on my rec list for literally forever now, but...besties, i’m on my fifth watch of this goddamn show in the span of maybe two months, so if that doesn’t tell you how much this show has been a comfort/eating my brain lately, idk what will.

i literally never shut up about this show, but if you’ve somehow been missing from my blog for a little bit, a quick summary: lee dong sik (played by the ever-wonderful shin ha kyun) was accused of murder + kidnapping a few young women, including his own twin sister 20 years ago. he’s lived a pretty quiet life on his own, and now 20 years later, his whole world is turned upside down again when hotshot new inspector han joo won (played by the talented yeo jin goo) comes into this little town. when the murders start up again, these two are thrown into a hellishly complex mystery. will throw you in for a hellish loop. i think my thoughts best summarize this show as come for the murder mystery, stay for whatever the hell joo won and dong sik have.

okay, but all joking aside about how much i love joo won and dong sik (because...i truly do love them), this show was incredibly healing. once again: this show has quickly become a comfort show, basically to the point where i just watch it whenever i feel down (which happens to be a lot these days). idk man. humans aren’t meant to carry burdens on their own and all that stuff. sometimes u just need to remind yourself that.

the crowned clown

so, after watching beyond evil the fourth time, i realized that maybe i wanted to watch some of the actors’ other works. that was how i found myself watching the crowned clown, which...is an excellent kdrama now available on netflix (also on viki for free, just as beyond evil is). honestly, it’s been a hot second since i’ve watched historical dramas (saeguks), so i was a little unsure what to expect, but this show. bro. this show reminded me just how much i love historical dramas, because the court politics? the costumes? the music? the acting? fantastic.

basically, this show is about the young clown (ie. performer) ha seon (played by yeo jin goo) who now has to replace the king, who might be like...two seconds away from snapping (if he hasn’t already). the reason they’re able to do this is because they look exactly identical despite not being related.

this story is honestly wonderful. i loved it, and it’s an interesting way to look at the story behind the actual king (because. apparently this king was a real person, and i think his story has inspired quite a few other korean movies/shows). i thought yeo jin goo was brilliant in this show, and it’s really no surprise he became the youngest person ever nominated for a baeksang award because of this series. i was truly blown away by just how versatile he proved to be of an actor, and his dynamics with the other characters (the queen, the secretary being my fave, as well as the old eunuch jo), i just...bro. i’ll admit i wasn’t the biggest fan of the romance (don’t get me wrong! it was sweet!), but i think that might have been because this was so court politics heavy, and i adored it for that. if you’ve never watched a historical drama but want to and just don’t know where to start, i highly recommend this.

d.p.

bro....this show was dark. i watched it all in 2 days (pretty easy to do, considering it’s 6 episodes and maybe 40-50 minutes long per episode), and i needed to lie down. this is just one of those shows that i feel is...very important to watch, even if the content matter isn’t very bright.

basically, dp is about two deserter pursuit officers: ahn jun ho (played by jung hae in) and han ho yul (played by koo kyo hwan). deserter pursuit officers are basically people who chase after people who deserted their military post--and for those who don’t know, being in the military is mandatory for men in south korea. this is the result of the armistice between the north and the south--basically, since north korea never agreed to an actual peace treaty, south korea is constantly under threat of war, which is why men need to serve at least a few years. (this is why a lot of actors + kpop band members often take breaks from their careers--to fulfill their military service time. because yup, even celebrities aren’t exempt from service!)

anyways, this show really doesn’t pull back their punches. major trigger warnings for things like intense harrassment, suicide, domestic violence...it really does capture just how dark life can be, and also how toxic the military can be for men. because of that, i felt this show was incredibly well-crafted, incredibly nuanced, and in the end, i just felt sad. that said though, there was a hopeful ending, and i’m glad that this show was renewed for a second season, as i think this show is just...really important.

squid game

okay, so i don’t want to be that person, but your girl was watching squid game right after it came out, so i was here before the hype train--but okay, okay, i digress. (i am glad that this show is getting hype. i feel it’s very important that people watch this show.)

if you haven’t noticed how squid game’s climbed to #1 on netflix worldwide (i think, anyways), well, then...buddy. squid game is about a bunch of people who have the chance to earn lots of money by playing what seems like innocent children’s games. (spoilers: they are far from innocent.)

this show scarred me, to be honest. i needed to watch something lighthearted after this, just because it was so intense. lots of trigger warnings for blood and gore, as well as just. losing faith in humanity. but also, like dp, i felt this show was necessary. it was incredibly well-constructed in that it showed just what desperate people will do in order to survive, as well as exactly what a terrible capitalistic society will do to the working class. it’s depressing and sad, but also incredibly chilling because like. you can’t help but watch the characters and think, but would i do the same thing? i just want to pay off my own debt and take care of my family. wouldn’t i do the same thing?

i won’t say more of this show for fear of spoilers, but. let me just say. that i really am glad this show exists. i hope people actually notice what the fuck it’s saying about our current system too, because hm, maybe i just want to suck the fun out of things, but there’s something very disturbing about how people are already cute-ifying this show (ie. “this is what i would wear to the squid games! :D” and “look at these squid-game inspired cookies! :D”, as if this show didn’t just deliver a heart-crushing message about capitalism + how the wealthy fuck over anyone who isn’t the 1% BUT ANYWAYS)

star wars: visions

lately i’ve been feeling weird about star wars for lots of different reasons which i don’t particularly feel like addressing today, but. visions really reminded me why i fell in love with star wars in the first place. i think for starters, well. it’s no surprise when i say that i felt an intense amount of joy of seeing east asian cultures so beautifully incorporated and respected in this show (no surprise seeing that this show was literally crafted by japanese anime studios), but like. it really was. a beautiful thing. i cried at least once per episode, either because i was so in awe of the animation and the themes or because i was just in awe that this thing exists.

i think my favorite episode had to be the village bride--there was something so incredibly powerful about seeing someone who looked a bit like me say i am a jedi. what an iconic line. what an iconic story about a sad traumatized gal deciding to step up and fight, actually. peak star wars.

but besides all that...i really did feel like...this show captured the beauty and essence of what makes star wars actually good. the themes of good versus evil, a lot of stuff between siblings (bro....the twins and lop and ocho FUCKED ME UP), choosing to have brighter and better days ahead (the village bride, the ninth jedi, the duel, tatooine rhapsody)...like, i really loved how each episode really took everything that was good about star wars and just turned it into something even more beautiful. this series will stay with me for a long time, i think--and i am very grateful for the people involved in this project for reminding me why i fell in love with this universe in the first place. :”)

#caroline recs #a few days late but here it is!

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soapsoappp · 4 years ago

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I am new to this app so have a bedrock bros fic that I wrote a couple months ago!! This takes place after the final fight with Dream but before the prison arc. None of this is canon I just miss them <\3

Tw for suicidal implications

It’s late at night when they find each other in the woods. It was probably just a coincidence, Techno had gone out hunting for blood, and Tommy, well Tommy was just wandering.

Wandering is one word to describe it. Some days when Tommy finds the voices too much to bear, and his head feels like it will split open and the pathetic contents of his pathetic mind will spill out onto the ground...he walks through the forest to clear his thoughts.

It’s something Wilbur taught him. He has a memory, so faint it might have been a dream, of walking through the forest holding his big brother’s hand.

“Tommy,” Wilbur said, his dark eyes serious, “Sometimes you’re gonna get overwhelmed, but you have to promise me to..to never listen to them. Don’t give in.”

“Who is them?” Tommy had asked, his brow furrowed in confusion

Wilbur squeezed Tommy’s hand as he murmured, “Toms, I hope you’ll never have to find out.”

But as he got older, he met them. The voices in his head, telling him he’s a failure, telling him to just give up, that he should end it all in a fiery blaze and bring the world down with him.

So Tommy made a promise with Wilbur, that they would never give in to the voices.

Wilbur broke his end of the promise the same day he shook his hands with Dream.

So there Tommy is, wandering blindly through the forest. Feeling panicked because of the voices in his head, and feeling cold and alone because Wilbur is no longer there to hold his hand.

By some strange twist of fate, Techno finds himself standing on the same path as Tommy, his cold eyes staring into the boy’s shocked expression.

Technoblade looks at the boy before him, and sees the sword strapped to his waist and the flames in his eyes. He does not see the red swollen rim around the flaming eyes, nor how small the frame that carries the sword has become. He does not see his brother, he sees an enemy.

Technoblade is annoyed. The last thing he wants right now is to hear Tommy’s stupid laugh.

(Techno tries not to think about how much he misses Tommy’s stupid laugh.)

The voices demand blood, and once again this pathetic child is in his way.

Expecting the usual rude and obnoxious remarks from Tommy, Techno starts before Tommy can get a word in, “Tommy what are you doing in the middle of the forest? Are you an idiot? It’s the middle of the night! You’re so stupid, I don’t know why I didn’t just hand you off to Dream myself. It wouldn’t have made a difference since you’re just going to get yourself killed anyway.”

Techno does not see the way Tommy’s hands start to shake. He continues.

“Really you are just such a stupid child. And don’t forget that these are my woods, and I haven’t forgotten those gapples you stole from me. Give me one reason I shouldn’t take your worthless life right now.

Tommy’s whole body is shaking now. Techno can no longer pretend he doesn’t see it.

Tommy’s face remains as blank and emotionless as a mask, but his eyes are filled with tears. He wraps his arms around himself, trying to stop the shaking.

He begins to sob. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” he says over and over through panicked breaths.

Then suddenly he wipes his eyes and recomposes his anguished features into a blank expression.

Techno watches in horror as Tommy sinks to the ground, dull eyes locked onto techno’s.

“Just do it.” Tommy says flatly, with a voice far too calm for the tears that continue to spill from his eyes. “I deserve it.”

“Tommy?” Techno’s voice is small.

For the first time in what feels like centuries, technoblade is shocked. He had expected to be insulted, maybe even attacked. He expected hatred. The last thing in the world he expected was...this.

But there Tommy is, shivering in his tattered t-shirt, arms wrapped around a shaking frame, and the flames in his eyes doused by his tears. He sits in the snow, looking expectantly up at techno through frost covered lashes.

Techno leans forward, and Tommy smiles. This is it, he thinks. But the blow never comes.

Instead, Techno scoops tommy up like a bride, ignoring the teenager’s screams of protest.

All the way home, Techno carries a thrashing tommy. He pays no attention to Tommy’s insults, and he doesn’t bat an eye when Tommy threatens him. Tommy screams and cries and hits,but techno holds himself together. But when tommy begs, begs to be killed, begs to die, Techno shatters.

It is only when Tommy falls asleep in Techno’s arms, exhaustion trumping anger, that Techno allows himself to cry. Tears fall silently as he looks down at the broken boy in his arms. He looks so small, so pale, so helpless. Techno wonders how he never noticed these things before.

He told himself he didn’t care about Tommy, but as he carries Tommy through the door of his cabin and gently tucks him into bed, Techno vows to never let anyone lay a hand on this boy ever again.

Techno shakes with anger as he thinks of the way Tommy shook, the helpless look in his eyes... and the smile.. the smile when he thought his life was ending.

Techno knows he holds blame for Tommy’s current state, but he also knows that he is not the main reason Tommy has become this way. A smiling mask fills Techno’s vision and he sees red.

He’ll talk to Tommy later, make amends for the things he’s done, but that can wait. Techno isn’t good at talking, but there is one thing he can do without fail. He wraps his fingers solidly around his axe, gives the blade a swing, and heads back out into the forest.

The voices be will getting their blood tonight.

#bedrock bros #mcyt #fanfic #writing #techno mcyt #tommyinnit #dsmp techno #dmsp lore #dream smp fics #dream smp #dsmp tommy #i miss them

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fruityutas · 4 years ago

Text

strike to the heart

taglist ~ @puppywritings , @xiaojours , @svchengss , @prettyjaems

part of @du0tine ‘s 21 ways to kill your lover collab

unstable!yangyang x psychologist!reader

not proofread

wc ~ 5k

genre ~ angst, ttiiinnnyyy fluff, thriller

warnings ~ the following writing is FICTION and has very heavy and unsettling themes like murder, suicide, and toxic relationships. if these themes are triggering or otherwise uncomfortable to you, do NOT read this story. there are also themes of religion.

synopsis ~ you were the best of the best, no one could bring an end to your golden career until he came along

note ~ i based yangyang’s personality in this off of his turn back time persona, making him very obviously mentally unstable. the plotline is based loosely off of harley quinn’s origin story, except of course, the reader dies. i also used the concept of purgatory in this story.

i realize that purgatory is apart of various religions, and i hope i made use of it in this story in the way it is intended to be portrayed as. i am not familiar with the subject, as i am non religious and have been for many years, so if i wrote anything that was disrespectful, please let me know and i will educate myself more on the topic. please note that if i do write something disrespectful, i will not be changing the writing in any way, unless necessary, because i feel that changing/erasing the mistake prevents anyone from seeing my growth as a person.

here is the link to the website i used to read up on purgatory -> https://historylists.org/art/9-levels-of-purgatory-dantes-purgatorio.html

your parents always told you to aim for first. probably why you’re here now. you sit in the chair, watching your life play on what seems to be a screen. you can’t tell either way, everything is stark white and blends into one. the scenes are the only thing providing color to your eyes. are you dreaming? no, no that can’t be. the last thing you remember is…pain. and betrayal. how could he do this?

he was a fucking criminal. he had no true love for you, you were his final act. how could you have been so naive? every thought came too fast, it made your head hurt. a noise brought you out of your thoughts. a tall man stood off to the side of the screen. his features were sharp, and he looked angelic. “you must be y/n. you must also be wondering where you are.” you struggle to find your voice, so you nod at the man. he gives a sympathetic smile and strolls over to you.

“you’re in purgatory. well, this is the judgment room. here your memories are played and the most influential ones are used to go to their corresponding terraces.”

“do i pick them out?” he shakes his head.

“no, the council does that. you just sit and watch.” you shift in your chair, the hard material uncomfortable against your skin. “don’t worry, i’ll be here while it happens. you can call me sicheng.” his voice was hypnotizing, calming your mind. you turned back to the screen, and what you assumed to be the first memory started to play.

a burst of yelling snaps you from your thoughts. looks like we have a new patient. it was like this everytime a new patient arrived. yelling, taunting, sometimes as far as physical assault. it was like the right of passage for ‘newbies’ as the currents like to call them. you leave your office to peek downstairs. this one is surrounded by four guards. that’s unusual. two guards was standard, why does this patient need four? a danger to himself and others i assume. i should ask joy if i can take him. you hadn’t had a new patient in months, and all your others were making such progress they moved to a new unit. one of your patients, named chittaphon, had been released back into society. you were one of the best, even at such a young age.

“joy! have you assigned the new patient to anyone yet? i’d like to have him.” you plopped yourself onto the couch in her office. her soft laugh brought you comfort.

“of course you can have him, i was probably going to ask you anyway. you haven’t been busy with any others lately. yukhei is moving to a new unit next week you know. you did good with him, he asked me to tell you thank you.” your heart aches at the thought of yukhei missing you, the boy had become important to you. you would sit and let him talk about his family, his friends, and even his - what he called - soulmate. he would always gush about them and their relationship. you never suspected he could have killed them in such the way he did, or that his ill brain would rewire itself into thinking they were waiting for him to get better and be released from the hospital. the day he found that out was burned in your memory, chairs being thrown and yelling from the entire floor. it broke your heart to see him in such a state, even more when they had to lock him in isolation for a week.

but things change and he got better, and now he’s moving up a unit. more yelling snaps you out of your little thinking session. you and joy peek out her office door to see the new inmate arguing with the guards. you sigh and head down the stairs, as much as joy protests it. one of the guards notices you and tells you to stay back, and that this inmate is dangerous. you shake your head at him and push through to get closer. the inmate didn’t look much older than you, albeit a bit taller than you. he was still yelling at the guards when you came up to him and cleared your throat. he rolls his eyes and turns to you to start yelling, but you shut him down with a stern look at a shake of your head.

“now, now, you don’t want to come in and be the hardass on the first day do you?” he says nothing, but the lack of arguing from him tells you he is agreeing. you tell one of the guards to follow you to his cell. it comes to no one’s surprise that his cell is in the lower level, it’s where all the worst patients stay. the guard that accompanied you stood directly outside the door of the cell, ready for any assistance. the inmate sat down on the cot provided but faced away from you. “are you going to speak to me?” he spares you a small glance, unwavering in intimidation, but it didn’t phase you. his face was young, yet it somehow seemed to be worn and exhausted. you wanted to open him up and see what his troubles came from, to fix him into a model member of society.

“wouldn’t you want me too huh?” his tone was annoyed and sarcastic. you stay collected and just nod at him. “why don’t we start with your name?” he stays silent. “if you don’t want to cooperate that’s perfectly fine but just know i’m the only one you can talk to if you want out of here.” you stand up and leave the cell, knowing that even though it didn’t look like it, progress was made. your last statement would sit with him until the next time you visit him, and he would talk eventually.

the screen fades away and into a new image. the only thing on the screen is the word ‘stubborn.’ you are confused as to what it means. sicheng makes his way over to you, his long legs making the distance short. “it corresponds to the first level of purgatory, stubbornness. although it wasn’t you who was being the most stubborn, it seems.” he snaps his fingers and a seat appears for him to sit. the screen lights up again and another memory begins to play.

“what do you mean he wants to see me? i just spoke to him this morning and he refused to say anything?” joy shrugs her shoulders exasperatedly. you sigh and make your way towards the lower level. the guard at the security door greets you with a nod of the head before letting you in. the inmate’s cell was at the end of the hall, dimly lit and dingey, with a slight smell of mildew. the underground location made for cold air and small windows, so there was never enough light in the place. as you made your way to your patient’s cell, a few of the other inmates down there whistled at you. they whooped and hollered to your dismay, bringing unwanted attention. you recognized one of them, guanheng was his name. he had been a patient of joy’s before she was promoted to her managerial position. no one else wanted to take him on, so they sent him down here to rot. you had expressed the idea of taking him, but joy wouldn’t have it. she simply said he was too unstable for anyone, and deserved to be down there. you disagree with her to this day, but she is still your superior and you can’t just go breaking rules just for your liking.

you knocked on the door to the cell, and a gruff “come in” came from the other side. entering the cell, you saw everything in disarray. “now, why is the cell in this condition?” he huffs and crosses his arms, almost in a cute way. you shake your head and continue in, shutting the door behind you. “are you going to tell me your name? i think it would help me connect better with you.” he looks at you with a blank stare. you don’t change your facial expression, remaining stoney faced. he sighs and starts muttering to himself, as if he was arguing with someone, before looking back up at you and finally speaking. “yangyang. at least thats what i’ve been told.” you hum lightly before asking him a few more questions.

“is it alright if i call you yangyang?” “yes” “alrightly then, do you remember anything from yesterday?” he ponders for a moment, his face going through a group of different expressions before he looks back to you. “i only know that i woke up and felt like hurting someone. but i can’t remember who or why. do you have any pens?” the last question catches you off guard. you hand him an extra pen from your coat pocket. he takes it eagerly and looks to your clipboard with expectant eyes. you tear a blank piece of paper from the back and hand it over. he immediately draws nonsense doodles, the paper quickly being filled. when he fills it, he flips it over to do the other side. “you can keep asking me things, you know. i like to draw, though i don’t know what. the other voice tells me to just make lines and things.” you’re jotting down notes when all of a sudden he throws the pen at you. it hits you square in the head, and you look up at him in surprise. he starts giggling and throws the crumpled paper at you. you remain calm as this can be a common occurrence among patients. his giggles become… unsettling very quickly, the tone and manner of them turning to a deeper octave. you slowly reach into your pocket to grab the help button, but you don’t press it just yet. yangyang stops his giggling and it becomes muttering. his words are difficult to make out, but you pick out a few, ‘kill’, ‘why’, and ‘forget’. you jot them down along with a note stating he was mumbling them in sentences that were not understood. “yangyang, are you hearing anything? do you know the other voice’s name if they have one?” he peeks out of his arms at you nodding. “they tell me that i shouldn’t have forgotten why i killed her.” you had notes on him that his previous institution gave to you, but you wanted to earn his trust by asking various questions. “who did you kill?” you knew he killed his mother, left her body hanging from the porch for everyone to see. the question cause him to tear up a bit. “i, i killed my mother. she just wouldn’t shut up, always nagging me about the house and bills, as if i could help it. she was a bitch.” “mmm, yes. but you loved her still, no?” he nods shakily as if he was unsure. “and did you forget why you killed her that morning?” another nod is sent to you. you keep taking notes on his behaviors.

you end the session on a positive note, telling yangyang that he did good today and that you’d be back tomorrow, but if he needed you to ask.

the screen once again went dark before the word ‘repentance’ appears. sicheng whips a pen-like object from nothing, grabbing your arm harshly to turn you towards him. “now, you might not like this next part but it has to be done. i have to carve five p’s into you somewhere. they aren’t permanent but it still hurts.” you panic slightly, trying to get away from his grasp.

“why?!” his face is stoic and cold, the seriousness setting in. you continue to struggle until he grips your face with vigor, causing you to stop moving. “stop. moving. it has to be done. now, where do you want me to do it?” you just point to your arm and look away as he does it. the pain is searing but bearable. “what is this for?” he makes the pen disappear before clearing his throat to speak. “for each of the sins that lead to your death, there is a ‘p’. the council shows a memory that corresponds to a sin, and you must figure out which one. if you get it right, you move one to the next one until the end, where you are allowed into heaven. if you get them wrong, you have another chance with a different memory. you only get two chances for each sin, though, and if you lose both of them a ‘p’ stays and it’s harder to get the next one correct. if you get more than two sins wrong, you spend 100 years here and then you are banished to hell. so please, be careful and choose wisely.” and with that he turns his attention back to the screen, as do you.

your appointments with yangyang were productive and you got to know him a lot better within the past few days. he hated dogs, they were too noisy and energetic for him. he really wanted to paint and draw all the time, so you gave him a few paint markers to decorate his cell with. when you had your next appointment, the walls were pretty full. he liked the texture of orange peels, he hated the taste. a lot of the things you learned intrigued you, why was his brain wired this way? you needed to dig deeper, and you knew you could. you had many awards and praises from seniors, your ego was swollen from it all. you took pride in your work, and you weren’t exactly humble about it. you would always brag to others about your accomplishments, and sometimes you made it a competition between you and your coworkers. joy was the only one that didn’t pay attention to it, she always let you go on rants about how you accomplished so many things this young.

the door to yangyang’s cell was the same grey color as usual, though on the inside, the room was filled with markings and random drawings the boy did. “yangie? what’s up?” he excitedly jumps from his spot on the bed over to the corner that the sessions took place in. two small chairs and a table were tucked in it, but it was cozy to you. a warm smile took place on your face as you sat in front of him. “well, today i really tried my best to not get angry with anyone like you said, and it worked! all i did was think about what you said to me and it helped so much. no one messed with me either.” there it is, the rush of pride in yourself. your ego is boosted, refilled for the day. you knew he could do it, with your help of course. you were the best in the field. “that is really good to hear, yangyang. i’m glad you remembered what i told you so you could control your emotions.” his hair bounced with each energized nod he gave you. you opened your clipboard and handed him a small stack of blank paper. “this is for you. now you have something clean to draw on again.” he took the papers excitedly.

the rest of the session was yangyang rambling on about how you were the only one helping him and how he really liked seeing you. you observed him and from time to time you’d write notes down on his info sheet. every time he caught you staring, he’d blush and look back at his drawings. a smirk carved into your face, and a wink was all it took for him to turn into a stuttering mess. you left the session that day glowing in confidence and pride.

the screen fades away, and you feel a tingling on your arm where one of the Ps is. sicheng’s voice whispers into your ear, “figure out what sin you just witnessed.” it makes you jump a little, but you quickly regain your composure. all you could think about was yangyang. but deep inside your inner conscious, you knew the sin here wasn’t about him. it was about you. “i have my answer.” sicheng gives you a small nod and when you turn back around, a dark and windy figure stands in front of you. a voice not belonging to you enters your mind. “which sin is it, y/n?” with a shaky voice, and sweating palms, you manage to garble out your answer. “it’s pride. i was prideful in my ways, never backing down from challenges that weren’t meant for me.” the dark figure nods before wisping away. the tingling returns to your arm, and as you look down at it a P swiftly disappears. sicheng’s footsteps bring you back up to the screen, which begins to play a new memory.

the continuous sessions with yangyang proved to be well. his condition was getting better, and he seemed to be taking well to the exercises you gave him. you were on your way to an appointment when joy came up beside you. “have you met with the new doctor yet?” you shake your head. “no, what’s their name? where are they located?” she tries to hide a mischievous smirk, grabbing your arm to stop your walking. “he is absolutely gorgeous! his name is kunhang and he’s actually gonna be on your unit, which means you’re training him since you are the best.” you chuckle at her enthusiasm, she’d always been trying to hook you up with people. she winks at you and runs off, probably to her next appointment. she’d conveniently stopped you in front of yangyang’s cell. you walk inside and see him on his bed pouting.

“what is wrong with you?” his eyes look up at you and shine with the beginnings of tears, worrying you. had the guards or an inmate said something to him? while you’re lost in thought he jumps up and pulls you on the bed with him, his arms wrapped tightly around you. you snap out of it and sit frozen in his arms. the feeling of butterflies in your stomach erupt and you know it’s because of the man in your arms. he lets you go and you stand up to fix your uniform. “what had gotten into you, yangs?” his pouting doesn’t go away and he speaks softly. “who is kunhang?” so that’s what he’s being clingy for. he’s jealous. “he’s a new psychiatrist here. i have to train him.” yangyang didn’t get rid of the pout on his face, and he didn’t let your hand go for the entire session. the jealousy he had even after you told him that nothing was going to happen between you and kunhang was noteworthy, though you didn’t specify why he was jealous on his chart.

the surrounding air had become cold, and you shiver harshly. sicheng sits beside you, tapping impatiently on the table. the shadow figure returns, and before it can speak you do. “the sin was envy. but why did you show me a memory of someone else being envious? i thought this was about my sins.” the figure doesn’t move from its spot. sicheng sighs and throws a stick at the figure, causing it to grunt. “that was unnecessary, sicheng. you are the reason for this sin. you let yangyang get attached to you, causing him to become jealous and protective of you. you may not have committed this sin, but you had the first hand in causing it.” you nod in agreeance, you had let him get close with you. too close, in your opinion, because if you hadn’t you wouldn’t be in this whole situation. it’s a bit ironic, you always told your coworkers to be wary of patients, yet here you are, stuck in purgatory because of one.

in the days leading up to your death, yangyang requested to see you nonstop, and he would ask so many questions about the outside world. what was surrounding the building, how many people were in the city. in hindsight, you should have suspected him to be trying to escape, but your mind was apparently on other things.

the last day you were alive, yangyang requested you only once. it was around eight in the evening, and this was going to be your last trip to his cell, quite literally. “are you ok, yangyang?” he nods and makes his way over to you. he might be younger, but his height is not small. “i’m just fine. but i wanna ask you something.” you nod to let him continue. “i’m planning to leave, and i want you to come with me.” the words come out of him in a hurry, but you catch them. a pit forms in your chest after hearing them. what in the world was he thinking? your job was important, and he still needed the therapy sessions you were giving him. “no, absolutely not. yangyang you can’t leave without proper check out from me and my superior. you know this.” he sighs in annoyance, grabbing your hand and dragging you to sit. “that’s not the type of leaving i meant. i mean we sneak out and never look back. we leave here and head north to my good friend ten’s house. he has this bigass mansion in the middle of nowhere, and we can lie low there for a while before going somewhere else and starting new!” you can’t bring yourself to say anything, the shock of how much he’d thought out this plan sitting heavy on your shoulders. the courage to say something before he thinks you’re agreeing with him bubbles up. “yangyang, under all circumstances, you and i cannot do that. do you know how many force tasks they’d send out for us? how much trouble we’d be in when they caught us? plus, you still need these sessions that i’m doing. the real world is harsh, and doesn’t take kindly to you. i wouldn’t want you or anyone else getting hurt.” his face contorts into sadness at your statement. he pulls you in for a bone-crushing hug, not letting go. “but i thought you loved me, don’t you want us to be happy together?” your blood runs cold at his confession. love was never on the table, the flirting you’d been doing was just to open him up to make it easier to talk. you knew you were taking a risk doing that, but never had you anticipated him to fall in love with you and think it was mutual. you separate yourself from him and walk to the door. “yangyang, are you being serious? you- you don’t actually think i’m in love with you, right?” his face falls, going completely straight. no movement comes from either of you for a good minute, the situation at hand causing hesitance. “you’re not? i just thought… you were.” you scoff at the boy sitting in front of you. “y/n, i don’t think you realize that i’ve already planned for this. we’re gonna have to leave.” you start to argue with him but a flurry of gunshots and screams ring out from all around you. you turn and pull the door open to see patients and guards frantically running about, a breach in the facility causing this. “jesus fucking- yangyang why in the hell would you do this!?” you turn to see him getting up from the bed and gathering a few items. “yangyang!” he doesn’t respond, only grabbing your arm and pulling you along with him. you’re too much in shock to resist the boy, and on top of that he’s definitely stronger than you. the run towards whatever exit he’s taking you to seems surreal. the amount of trouble you’re going to be in for this is astronomical. you can hear the words “you’re fired” repeating in your mind. outside the door is an alleyway that connects the facility to a power plant. it seemed like they’d had a breach too. yangyang really wasn’t lying when he said you’d have to leave to someplace far away. he drags you into the plant and heads for the large vats of chemicals. “yangyang where the hell are you taking us? what are you doing?” he glances over his shoulder at you, a deathly look on his face. “this wouldn’t have been in the plan if you had just done what i needed you to do. now you have to pay the price.” what in the fuck did he mean.

the vats were in sight, glowing and hot from the chemicals in them. your surroundings loud from combat, you’d assumed from runaway patients attacking. yangyang stopped in front of the largest one, looking down in it and smirking. he turns to a very shaken you, giggling like a madman. “i think you know what’s in store for you my love. you betrayed me! you gave me all the signs, and carelessly flirted, acting like you liked me.” tears were pouring down both of your faces, but for different reasons. the end of your life was staring at you, loud and proud, and you knew this. you had many goals in your life, and to see none of them get achieved hurt you. you take one last look at yangyang, who is inching closer. “i’m sorry for making you feel like that. i just hope that in the next life, you’ll be a normal person and get to experience life in a positive perspective.” he doesn’t seem to care, because as soon as he gets close enough to you, he grips your face and leans in. “and now, my love, you leave me with a kiss.” his lips lock with yours for a brief second before he shoves you hard, taking the breath out of you. you fall backwards into the vat, the acidic chemicals eating you. yangyang stares at you as you perish, the smile slowly dropping from his face.

one would think this whole tragedy could be easily resolved, but this was not a villain origin story, it was real life, and you were dead. yangyang knew what he had done was fatal, but make no mistake, you knew it was what he wanted. he did love you, but his brain was not the same as a normal person’s. the wiring was simply not supportive of any form of morals, no right or wrong could be detected. all he knew was that you were in the way of him getting out, and he needed you removed. so he did.

and as reality set in for him, yangyang realized that you were the only one who understood him. you were the one to listen to his problems and not look at him like he was crazy, to help him through the intrusive thoughts, and you did that all while loving him.

he breaks down, dropping to his knees at the harsh reality that you were gone forever, and no longer able to make him happy. the salty tears running down his face provided a blunt sting to the cuts and scrapes adorning his face. his shoulders shook with sorrow and his sobs were melancholic. yangyang can’t even think straight, all his mind is screaming is you. your name, face, your soft hair, warm skin, and the way you laughed at all his stupid jokes. he wants an escape from the voices in his head. the grate walkways that line the perimeter of the vats are loud with yangyang’s manic running. all he wants is freedom from his personal hell, he’s had to deal with people looking down on him all his life, saying that he was never going to be able to be normal, berating him for all the fucked up things he’s done, but never helping him to be a better person, always leaving him to rot in different psych ward cells.

gun. there’s one somewhere.

the one voice in his head that wasn’t screaming made him worry no less than before, but he knew to heed his own advice. it was the only coherent thought at the moment so what’s the harm. yangyang finds himself lost, and begins to get angry until he sees a guard coming his way. attacking him, he easily finds a gun and wrings it from the man’s grip before shooting him dead. the body slumps over and yangyang decides that he’d rather not die next to it. he is far too lost to try and get back to where he pushed you to your timely death, so he just runs until he finds a room. unlocked and unoccupied, he slips in and locks the door behind him.

the leather chair that he sits in is worn and comfortable. the desk has various papers scattered around, and the computer is off. yangyang takes one good look at himself in the reflection of the screen before pulling the trigger.

the judgement room is even colder than before. you sit in the uncomfortable chair, tears streaming down your face and sobs ripping through your chest. sicheng sits, unaffected by your pain. the shadowy figure appears in front of you, so close you can hear whispers of a large multitude floating out of it. “y/n, you must finish the trial. what was the last sin?” you try your damndest to compose yourself, wiping the tears and hiccuping. “i- he was…” “no, y/n. no excuses. what is the sin displayed here?” you didn’t need this figure up your ass about it, the answer was obvious. sighing, you look up at it, seeing it slightly resembles a man. “wrath.” the figure hums in response, moving over to show the screen again. in large font and bold letters, the word “repentance” is shown. “you have passed judgement, and you shall be going to heaven. are there any questions?”

#neowritingsnet #nshitty-frathouse #unfortunatus: inferno #nct #nct imagines #nct scenarios #wayv #wayv imagines #wayv scenarios #wayv yangyang #yangyang #yangyang x reader #yangyang scenarios

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beanie-beebo-writes · 3 years ago

Text

Call for Action

Series Summary: You finally get your dream job, but it comes with a cost.

Warnings: Description of panic attack

Masterlist

Chapter 2

It was a nightmare that set you off the next day. Even though you couldn't remember it, you knew there was no way you could go into work that day, which was a nightmare in itself. Your second day on the job and your anxiety already had to butt itself in at the worst possible time, of course.

You tried anyway, knowing how vital your job was to the process of the series being made. You didn't even bother with breakfast, knowing it would upset your stomach even further. You took a cup of coffee to go just in case, fearing if you drank it, the jitters would only add to your anxieties.

On set, everybody was mostly in their places except for a few PAs as always. You had forgotten to check your phone, so you went to the front office yet again to pick up another schedule. The day was already turning out to be a wreck and it barely started yet. Thankfully, Paul noticed you weren't in much of a talkative mood and let you be in your thoughts this morning.

The schedule was even busier today, making your heart drop into your stomach. You knew a panic attack wasn't far, but you didn't have much time. You tried to forget about it as you ran to the stage for today. Your heart was pounding, and no amount of breathing exercises could quell the deep settled anxiety. You knew people were starting to notice, but your thoughts were too loud to pay much attention.

"Alright, is everyone in their places?" You called aloud, still out of breath.

"Just about, give us less than five!" An A.V tech said from somewhere.

"That's fine." You said.

It gave you a minute to try and control your racing thoughts, if that was even possible. You bent over and held your knees as you tried to control everything bubbling inside you. Great, look at you. Someone definitely noticed that you're acting weird, next thing you know you'll be outcasted and fired. Hell, maybe even blacklisted if you decide to keep up this charade of job to job. Maybe-

A hand to your shoulder rescued you from drowning to the depths of darkness, startling you in the process. You stood up a little too quickly, starting to see dark spots. You blinked them away and looked up at your savior. And of course, it was Jensen.

"Hey I just-" He began before taking in your appearance. "What's wrong?"

You inhaled a deep breath, finding calm in his voice. "It's nothing, just a bad day." You said.

"Are you sure? Because it seems like a bit more than that." He said.

Your thoughts faintly began to start up again. "No, it's okay really. Get to your mark, Jensen." You said, half reassuring yourself and him.

"Alright, just remember what we talked about yesterday." He said.

You nodded and waited until he walked away to pull out a compact mirror, something you kept on yourself for situations like these. Yes everyone had already been likely staring at you when you had a moment, but you didn't want more lingering eyes if your panic attack had screwed up your appearance.

You wanted to roll your eyes in sheer embarrassment. You looked like you had run a mile and you had begun to cry. You thanked yourself that you didn't wear makeup like other higher ups, as you were sure it would be more noticeable. Before anyone could take notice, you set the mirror back down and made your way to the director's chair.

"Alright, everyone set?" You asked aloud.

You got a bunch of affirmative replies before making the decision to call "action" for the scene to start.

Sam and Dean sat in a motel room, arguing about the aspects of a current case.

"There is no way you're going in on this one solo. Absolutely not." Dean said, throwing his arms up.

"Dean, you said it yourself. Going with two people is just asking for trouble. They'll instantly catch on and it'll blow our cover. I understand needing backup but.. I got this." Sam replied.

"For the last time Sam, no." Dean said.

Interrupting their argument was one of Dean's ringing cell phones; it was Bobby Singer.

"Yeah?" Dean asked.

"Well, I found that information you wanted, turns out they are also killed with silver to the heart." Bobby said on the other line.

"Yeah, that's easy." Dean said sarcastically. "So did you hear about this genius plan of Sam's?"

Bobby sighed tiredly. "What now?"

"He wants to go in under cover, but when guns go blazing, no backup." Dean said animatedly.

"Well, he may have a good point you know." Bobby said.

"Excuse me? Bobby, that's suicide!" Dean argued.

"You watch your tone with me, boy." Bobby said. "You said the place is like an underground bar, right?"

"Yeah but-" Dean began.

"And that means he already is going to stick out like a sore thumb. Two of you would mean you're dead meat. He only needs the alpha and the rest will scatter. Now which plan sounds like suicide again?" Bobby asked.

Dean was silent, knowing there was no use arguing with the aged hunter.

"That's what I thought. You can stand by, just give him a lot of space outside the building. Got it?" Bobby said.

"Yeah Bobby." Dean said defeatedly.

"Good. Let me know how it goes." Bobby said.

"We will, talk to you later." Dean said.

"Bye, and be safe ya idjits." Bobby said, ending the call.

And then everything was quiet, too quiet. You felt a nudge from next to you bring you back to the modern world.

"And scene!" You called out, cheeks tinged slightly pink. "Sorry guys, got swept away there."

"You're good, we can just cut it later in editing." Bob Singer said, standing up from his chair.

"Cool. Alright everyone, settle for a minute and then we'll start scene 26." You called out to the stage.

--------

Before you knew it, lunchtime had rolled around again. This time though, you made the move to sit by Jensen and Jared, who had beat you to the table first. They were in a light conversation before you asked to sit with them.

"Of course (Y/N)." Jared had said.

They were currently talking about some sports team that you didn't follow; you listened in and tried to understand where you could.

"Who's your favorite team?" Jared asked.

"Oh, I don't really follow sports, it isn't really my thing." You admitted.

"Aw really? Bummer, another one." Jared teased.

"Hey, knock it off." Jensen said lightly.

"No, it's okay, I know he's only joking." You said, smiling at Jared.

"Okay, just checking." Jensen said with a wink.

Your heart flipped sideways and missed a beat. If you didn't have anxiety, you would have never distinguished the feelings you were starting to feel towards Jensen. Your feelings with crushes were always different from your anxiety, and yet so similar at the same time. Sometimes you wondered how you could tell the difference.

You still remembered the first time you had a crush. You were a late bloomer, so it didn't happen until 7th grade. You were so confused; anxiety was always something you were used to that when you were hit with all of these feel-good endorphins along with the anxieties, you threw up. Literally, in front of half of the grade and your crush, Nathan Sullivan. You had bumped into him in the middle of your moving-up ceremony in the middle-school hallway. You had wanted to say everything and nothing all at once, and ironically your brain chose to vomit instead. Now that you thought about it, you wondered that's where some of your current anxieties began.

With Jensen, it wasn't that different in a sense. You felt all of the bubbling emotions, the confusing anxieties telling you to either go for it or stay low. But you were past that for the most part. Or maybe it was the fact that Jensen made you feel safe, unlike the other guys. There was just something about him that you couldn't quite understand.

"Hey, have you guys ever dealt with anxiety?" You asked as the conversation headed to a lull.

Jensen swallowed his food before answering. "Actually yeah. About a few years back, maybe even longer, I had this huge fear of what others thought of me."

"Really?" You asked.

"Mhm, anything done on set or stage that was seen as funny to everyone else, was actually a huge anxiety factor for me. I was beyond embarrassed and hated being the one everyone laughed at, even if it was literally for comedy." Jensen explained.

"Oh wow, I never knew it was that bad." Jared said.

"I was too embarrassed to tell you at the time, honestly." Jensen admitted.

"I actually deal with anxiety sometimes too, just not as bad as Jensen." Jared said.

"What helps you guys through it?" You asked.

"Honestly? For me it was therapy, lots of it." He said with a chuckle. "But the main thing I keep with me all the time, is to remember that most people are more likely to be absorbed in their thoughts, than they are paying attention to you or me. At the end of the day, what you do may not even matter to them at the dinner table. And if it does, it does."

"Wow, that's some good advice." You said.

"Thank my therapist for that one." He said.

"I use a lot of deep breathing techniques, it tends to quell a lot of things for me." Jared said.

"Why you ask? Something on your mind?" Jensen asked.

"No, just curious. My one friend back home deals with this kind of stuff and I figured it would help to know." You stretched a bit.

"Ah." Jensen said.

"Well, send her some love from us, okay?" Jared asked.

"Of course." You said, finishing up your lunch.

A beat of silence surrounded the three of you.

"Hey, are you busy later?" Jensen asked. "I know you're technically my boss and all.."

You looked up from your food and almost choked. Was Jensen asking you of all people, on a date? This had to be a misunderstanding. Yet again, Jared was practically all over Jensen, just by looking at him with his head in his hands.

"Huh? Uh, no, not really. I usually just pass the time by watching netflix or something I guess." You said.

"You want to grab a bite?"

You felt the tips of your ears burn like a hot stove.

"As a… date? Or…?" You asked.

"Depends."

"On?"

"Well, do you want it to be?" Jared asked.

"Would it even be appropriate? I mean.. Like you said, I'm practically your boss, Jensen." You said.

"Don't see why it wouldn't be. It's not like you're doing any special favors to get me top role or anything." Jensen said with a knowing smile.

You smiled back and lightly rolled your eyes. Oh, this man is definitely going to be something if I date him. How could you say no?

"Yeah true." You said, probably still with a red face. "Sure, let's make it a date then."

"Yessss!" Jared whispered.

He did a silent victory dance on the way to the trash can and shut the trap closed with his hip. He strode proudly all the way back to the stage as if his son had won a competition. Jensen put his hands over his face a moment and exhaled lightly.

"Just ignore him." He said, muffled behind his hands.

"Couldn't if I wanted to." You said with a giggle.

#jensen x reader #Jensen Ackles #jared padalecki #spn reader insert #call for action series #call for action

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glimmerglanger · 4 years ago

Text

Whumptober 2020 - Day 14

Oof!au, part 14. I got cute with the prompt for this one. They are a found family but it’s also, you know, found: family. I know I said there weren’t any more split POVs but that was before Ahsoka and Rex decided they had a lot more to say than I planned, and so.... split POVs return for a few segments. Also this part is very long.

General Information: Post Order 66 Vader-Captures-Obi-Wan AU. Eventual happy(ish) ending (soon). Past/eventual Codywan. Past one-sided Vaderwan.

WARNINGS: Discussion of trauma, torture, non-con, mind control, and death. Allusions to suicide. So much mental and emotional trauma.

Alt 7. Found Family

Messages from Ahsoka’s contacts in the Core worlds were few and far between. Usually, they didn’t add up to much. The one that had plunged them across Wild Space had been flagged urgent. “It’s probably nothing,” Ahsoka said, even as they cut across the black of space, and Rex believed her.

It was usually nothing.

When it wasn’t, it was a problem.

They came out of hyperspace alongside one the new Imperial cruisers, a hulking beast of a ship, all sharp lines and jagged edges. They’d been monitoring it, on their approach, and it showed no signs of arming weapons, or raising shields, but…

Rex whistled anyway, looking at the ship. “You seeing this?” he asked, looking over when Ahsoka didn’t answer, her gaze gone distant. “Ahsoka?”

She shook her head and said, “There’s something… strange.”

Strange meant trouble, as far as Rex was concerned. He checked his blaster as they docked, watched her draw both her sabers, and nudged her in the side. “Sure we shouldn’t just bolt?” he asked, waiting for the port to open.

“No,” she said, staring forward, “there’s--I think we need to be here. I…” She trailed off, shaking her head, lekku curling up on the ends as the only display of her nerves as the airlock opened and--

Rex didn’t waste breath cursing, jerking his blaster up, because there were troopers on the other side of the hatch, and they might not kill him on sight, but Ahsoka--

And a ghost, a dead man walking, stepped between Rex and - and kriffing hell, that was Cody - and said, “Don’t shoot!” Rex stared across into General Kenobi’s impossible face, and felt the entire galaxy lurch into a brand new alignment, dragging Rex along with it, the next moments all confusing madness.

“There still a chip in your head?” Cody asked Rex, as Ahsoka grabbed General Kenobi. He hadn’t holstered his blaster, Rex noticed, just lowered it a little at Kenobi’s request. He was tense across his shoulders, unblinking.

“Not for three years,” Rex said, carefully, because he’d never come upon any of his brothers already unchipped; he should have known if anyone would start doing it en masse, it would be Kenobi and the 212th.

“Good,” Cody said, with a brief nod, “but you understand that we’re going to need to confirm that. Crys. Take him to the infirmary. Have Bones look him over.”

And Rex almost protested. He didn’t - technically - take orders from Cody anymore. The GAR was nothing but smashed pieces. But he looked past Cody’s shoulder, to General Kenobi - what was left of General Kenobi - he didn’t look like himself, not at all, his hair shaved close to his scalp and his beard barely a scruff across his jaw, swimming in trooper blacks, the left sleeve tied off and--

Most of the Jedi had died within moments of Order 66 being issued. A few had survived longer. They’d found some of them. What was left of them.

Rex swallowed, hard, gaze drawn back to Ahsoka’s back, because it was easy - too easy - to imagine what could have happened to her, to imagine her eyes gone all faded and distant like Kenobi’s. He cut his eyes towards Cody and wondered what the kriff, exactly, had happened. He said, “Sure. Ahsoka, I’ll catch up.”

She looked over at him, her expression a mix of yearning and hope, and nodded.

It felt wrong, leaving her there surrounded by troopers, but General Kenobi was at her side. Even with one arm, even looking like death warmed over, Rex couldn’t quite believe that he’d ever let anything happen to Ahsoka.

“So,” he said, falling into step beside Crys, “what the kriff happened to you?”

A part of Ahsoka had always hoped Master Obi-Wan was still alive, out there somewhere. She’d heard his message, transmitting out across the stars, warning any survivors away from the Temple.

She’d known he survived the initial kill order, and she’d thought… well. If anyone could survive with the entire galaxy trying to kill them, it would have been Master Obi-Wan. She’d imagined, sometimes, coming upon him in some dive bar or on a battlefield, meeting each other’s eyes and falling into step, back to back--

She found him on an Imperial ship. When she’d thought about finding him, he’d looked the same way she last saw him, tired and worn down, but alright. She’d always imagined that he’d crook a smile at her.

Obi-Wan smiled there in the halls of the Recompense. But it didn’t touch his eyes. He looked different, wrong, with his hair trimmed so short and his beard just growing in. He was, for some reason, wearing trooper blacks. He swam in them. And the left sleeve was tied off, empty….

“We can put you in touch with the rest of the rebellion,” she said, trying to stay focused, shooting him another look as they walked towards the bridge.

Obi-Wan nodded, glancing over his shoulder at Cody, who, she noticed, was following a step back. His hand was still resting on his blaster. He looked different, too, the lines around his mouth graven deeper, his eyes harder.

He’d always seemed warm to her, before. Even through the Force.

He felt cold, walking down the hall of the ship, as Obi-Wan said, “I’ll have to talk to the men. See what they want to do.”

Ahsoka made a soft sound of acknowledgement. She hadn’t been around so many troopers since everything fell apart. It made her lekku itch, knowing they were all around. She wished Rex hadn’t gone off to the infirmary. She said, setting that thought aside, “We can find places for them, if they...don’t want to join. They don’t have to stay with--”

“We’re staying with the General,” Cody said, and even his voice sounded different, full of sharper edges that threatened to draw blood.

“Well, that’s fine, too,” Ahsoka said, glancing back and forth between them, cautiously tracing their emotions with the Force and recoiling after the briefest brush because it was all -- hurt. Terrible hurt, open wounds in need of immediate tending.

The agony lingered there, right below the surface as they reached the bridge and punched in coordinates to, at least, get further away from their current position, just in case they were discovered. Ahsoka looked around the bridge - it reminded her, achingly, or both the Resolute and the Peacemaker, but it felt...wrong.

Everything felt wrong.

“You’ve been well?” Obi-Wan asked, something shadowed in his eyes, and Ahsoka considered the past three years, the fear and the desperation and the slow slog towards some kind of healing, some kind of life.

It seemed strange to realize, that, compared to him, she had most definitely been doing well. She nodded, and said, “Yes, Master.” And she flushed as she spoke, because she hadn’t called anyone by that title for so long, and it felt both presumptuous and embarrassing, mader her feel like the child she wasn’t anymore, and--

And it made Obi-Wan go still, his emotions blossoming huge for just a moment before he controlled them all down and away, where she couldn’t feel them. He cleared his throat, and said, “Why don’t you tell me more about what I’ve missed?”

Rex had seen plenty of his brothers over the past three years. Most of them had been on the other side of a blaster. It never hurt less, killing them, but he’d gotten… better at it. They’d saved a few of them, freed them, brought them back to themselves. But that had been scattered souls, here and there.

And so many of them had…. Not handled freedom well.

Rex had come out of it with something to live for, someone to keep fighting for.

Too many of his brothers had only come out with crushing guilt and despair. Too many of them recalled killing their generals, their friends. Too many of them remembered the atrocities they’d been used to carry out.

They found ways to get away from it.

Rex looked into the faces of the survivors of the 212th on his way to the infirmary and felt a shiver down his spine. They looked, to a man, exhausted and worn down, with shadows in their eyes, tension in every move they made.

He listened to Crys’ brief run down of what had happened, freezing for a step when Crys said, “Skywalker rounded us up. As many of the 212th as he could find.” By the time he started moving again, Crys was explaining that they’d been kept on Mustafar. Waiting.

“It’s good to see you again,” Crys said, outside the door to the infirmary, gripping Rex’s forearm and flashing him a thin smile.

“Not going to stay and chat?” Rex asked, raising an eyebrow, getting the feeling he was only digging at the surface of whatever was going on, and Crys shook his head.

“I need to go check on the General,” he said, like it was obvious.

Rex blinked. “He’s still a General, huh?” he asked, trying to inject some levity into the situation.

The look Crys gave him curdled any hope of that. “Yes,” Crys said, and nothing else, turning on his heel and walking down the hall.

Rex shook off the feeling of tension in the middle of his shoulder blades, ducking into the infirmary and it was so strange to see one of his brothers in there, working, instead of a droid or the medics that had joined the rebellion. It threw him into a strange headspace, made him feel almost like the last three years hadn’t happened.

He’d ended up in the Negotiator’s medical bay more than once, getting treatment for all his hurts. He said, “Hey, Bones,” as the medic turned to face him, and got a long whistle for his trouble.

“Look at you,” Bones said, shaking his head, before his mouth hardened. “Unchipped?”

“You’re supposed to double-check,” he said, and Bones nodded, waving him forward. Rex submitted to the examination, thankfully brief, and said, as he sat back up, “How’d you all…” he waved a hand. “Get past them, anyway?” Bones froze, looking to one side, quickly. Rex watched him, going still in response. “Bones?”

“We…” Bones blinked rapidly a few times and cleared his throat. “I assume the same way you did. And any others of us, who got away.”

Rex swallowed, aching inside. “Not many of us have,” he said, focusing on a spot on the far wall. He didn’t want to admit, yet, that he hadn’t seen so many of his brothers free before. Ever. Even during the war, it had been lurking inside them. He shuddered. “Kenobi freed you, then?”

Bones sucked in a breath. When he spoke, the words seemed to come from far away. “Yes. I suppose he did. Indirectly. A few of us managed to...break them.”

Rex stared at him. He had no reason to believe such a thing was even possible. “Are you serious?”

Bones jerked out a nod, turning away to look at a scan that was reporting, as far as Rex could tell, nothing. “Yeah. You push hard enough against them, you give yourself an aneurysm. On the plus side, it also breaks them.” Bones scrubbed a hand across the back of his neck. “You didn’t know about this?”

“Kriffing hell,” Rex said, shuddering down his back. “No, I’ve never heard of anyone breaking them.”

“Not surprised,” Bones said, gaze going distant and unfocused. “Half of us that managed it died. If the Commander hadn’t dragged us to the medbay…” He trailed off, and then shook his head, hard. “You’re clean. Free to go.”

“Go where?” Rex asked, still trying to process the idea that they’d - they’d broken the thing in their heads, somehow. All on their own. He swallowed bile, thinking about his finger on the trigger, Ahsoka’s eyes on the other end of the barrel, thinking--

Well.

He hadn’t given himself an aneurysm.

“Wherever you want,” Bones said. “Tell the Commander he missed a check-in, if you see him.”

It took time to describe everything Obi-Wan had missed. They talked on the bridge, for a long time, about what the Rebellion had gotten up to, slowly trying to build some way to resist the Imperial forces sent against them.

Ahsoka watched Obi-Wan’s expression get still with each word she spoke. She wished she had more good news to share, but there was...so little to bring a spark of brightness into the world.

“I should show you around,” Obi-Wan said, eventually, as she ran out of things to tell him. “Have you seen one of these models?”

“Not yet,” Ahsoka said. “This is a bigger target than we usually try to take.” They’d been scrambling, for years, trying to make a dent against an enemy that had beaten them before they even knew what was happening.

Holding onto even the barest scraps of hope had felt impossible. Ahsoka knew, most days, that they were doing little more than throwing pebbles at a krayt dragon. Most likely they weren’t even an irritation, but…

But it was better than giving up. At least she thought so, most days.

She listened to Obi-Wan talk about the ship as they moved through the halls, watched by troopers wherever they went. “And we have plenty of quarters,” Obi-Wan said, eventually, waving a door open along the hall and gesturing inside. “If you’d like to stay aboard during the trip. Your shuttle can stay docked.”

Ahsoka stepped into the room with a lurch in her chest, abruptly thrown back in time, to her quarters on the Resolute and the Peacemaker. If she looked at it just right, she could imagine her room, she could imagine turning and seeing Anakin standing in the doorway, come to check on her after a mission and--

And when she turned it was Obi-Wan still in the hall, talking with Cody, quietly. She cleared her throat, and said, “Could I talk to you, for a moment? Just… you?” Cody was making her feel more and more uneasy. The longer she was around him, the more off-balance she felt.

She felt the whip-snap fast shift of his emotions at the suggestion, watched him stiffen his shoulders, but Obi-Wan nodded. “I’ll catch up with you shortly, Commander,” he said, and it seemed so odd to Ahsoka that they were using ranks, still.

She and Rex had stopped using them almost immediately.

She shook that thought aside as they resumed walking, before she drew a breath and asked, “Have you--have you seen Anakin?”

Obi-Wan’s emotions withdrew completely. She’d barely been aware of the soft touch of his mind against hers, soothing and familiar. It had been so long since she’d been around another Force user, much less someone she knew. It was startling to have it jerked away again, abruptly.

When he spoke, his voice was even, “Yes. He… found me. A few months ago.”

Ahsoka’s heart jerked in her chest. She’d seen Anakin a few times, from a distance. He’d looked so different, covered in his awful dark suit. Ahsoka swallowed. There’d been rumors, recently, that something had happened to him. She asked, quietly, “Where is he now?”

Obi-Wan stopped walking, just for a moment. He took a breath and said, “He’s one with the Force, now.”

“What?” That matched the reports they’d heard, but Ahsoka hadn’t believed those reports, not really. So many people had thought Anakin was dead, over the years, and they’d all of them been wrong. “Are you sure?”

Obi-Wan stared forward, expression some strange and still thing. “Yes,” he said, “I’m very sure.”

“But…” Ahsoka shifted her weight back and forth. Some part of her had always held out the hope that she’d find Anakin, find a way to get through to him. She’d left him, once, and -- and she’d thought, so many nights, that maybe if she’d been there, she could have protected him, kept him from Falling, if she hadn’t run away when he needed her-- “How?”

“He Fell,” Obi-Wan said, tone odd and blank. “Long ago. The Anakin you knew was gone, and--”

“I don’t believe that,” Ahsoka said, shaking her head. The Anakin she knew had been many things, including full of such sharp bright anger, sometimes. But she knew he’d been good, at the core. “He -- you were around him, are you telling me that you don’t think he could have come back?”

Something moved through the Force, an undercurrent that threatened to drag her under for a moment. Nothing showed on Obi-Wan’s expression. “He was gone,” he said, voice a rasp.

Ahsoka frowned, emotions twisting around in her gut. She’d always held onto the hope of bringing him back, of making things right, of making up for leaving, for not being there when he needed her, for-- “So - so you didn’t even try?” she asked, aware her voice was getting louder. “You were his Master, and you didn’t help him?”

Rex ended up in the mess. There were clusters of his brother there, talking to one another, and they pulled him over eagerly. They wanted to know everything, all about what had happened in the last three years, outside of their little bubble.

He pulled up a chair and looked at the intent expressions on their faces, and told him what he knew. Mav looked shocked when he asked how long Rex had been under. “A few minutes,” he echoed, sounding numb and far away, his expression mirrored by the others gathered around.

“Yeah.” Rex had known he was lucky, known it even when he felt like the rest of the world was coming down. He’d escaped whatever had left his brothers all looking like hollowed out shells. He twirled the cup in his fingers and asked, “What about...all of you? How long…?”

“Until a few days ago,” Crys said, gaze cutting over to the side, tone getting flatter by the word, and Rex flinched, thinking about spending three years under, about what they must have gone through--

“What the kriff happened?”

Crys stared at nothing for a moment, and then looked his way, blinking. “What?”

Rex gestured around the room. “To all of you. I, kriffing hell, we got word, a few days back, that the Emperor was in a royal snit because - because Vader and his entire base got blown all to hell and--”

“Skywalker,” Mav cut in, sharp, tensing across his shoulders.

Rex blinked. “Excuse me?”

“Call him his name,” Mav said, flat, taking another long swallow of caff. “That’s who he always was.”

Rex processed that, slowly, leaning back in his chair. “So he is dead, then?” He got nods from all around, his brothers’ mouths curling up in the corners, brief flashes of fierce satisfaction passing across their expressions. “You’re sure?”

The look in Crys’ eyes made Rex want to reach for his blaster. He resisted. “The Commander killed him. Personally. Got confirmation himself,” Crys said, sure and calm and terrible. “He’s dead. Body is gone completely. Nothing to bring back, this time.”

“Kriff.” Rex scrubbed a hand over his face. “I--how?” Because he’d heard nothing but horror stories about Vader - Anakin - after the war. He’d turned into a monster. Some machine that just murdered everything in its path. Rex had done his best to keep Ahsoka away from him, succeeded, but…

“He left the Commander in charge,” Mav said, finger tapping on the side of his mug, that code the 212th had used, back in the day. Rex had never learned it, they’d been greedy with the secret. “While we were all chipped. When he got free…” He shrugged, eloquently.

Rex could imagine. Cody had been Marshal Commander for a reason. He’d always been good at finding the solutions to problems. “I still don’t… the Commander killed him?” He knew - though she didn’t talk about it much - that Ahsoka had still hoped to find Anakin one day. Bring him back. That happened, Rex supposed, sometimes.

“Put him down,” Mav said, grim and satisfied, taking a deep drink of his caff and twisting his mouth. “A better death than that motherkriffer deserved.”

Rex shivered. The chill around his brothers, the shadows in their eyes, reminded him too much of Umbara. He knew, very well, what his brothers looked like when they were pushed too far. “Because he’d turned to the Dark?” he asked, half because he’d gotten into the habit of digging for intel automatically, half because he knew his family, and he thought if they didn’t keep talking they might all implode.

Crys snorted, Mav shook his head, it was Ults - a medic Rex hadn’t ever seen much - who answered, “Because of what he did to the General.” And that got nods and murmurs of agreement from all the rest clustered around.

Rex turned his cup, kept his tone even when he asked, “What’d he do?”

“You’ve seen him,” Crys snapped, looking to the side, hands in fists again, knuckles standing against skin. Rex watched them all wind tighter, all at once, and wondered if digging at the subject actually was the right call.

“It’s been three years since I saw General Kenobi,” he said, quietly, and it felt strange to call anyone General, these days, but he could read a room. Kenobi was still the General to all of his brothers. They didn’t need another shove closer to whatever cliff they were teetering on in their heads. “I didn’t know--”

“Skywalker did it,” Mav snarled, pushing to his feet and dragging the back of his hand across his mouth, taking a few agitated steps and pacing back. “All of it. For three months. Skywalker hurt him. Tried to tear him apart.” He paused, breathing heavily, and then admitted, tone cracking, “Made us help.”

“We tried not to,” Crys said, voice trembling, “Fought it, but he--he made us. We tried, but we couldn’t help him. Skywalker burned him and - and raped him and took his arm and we--”

“We should have tried harder,” Ults said, into the silence, when Crys cut off, covering his face with his hands, Rex staring at them with a pit opening in his chest, nothing at the bottom of it but darkness.

He had a lurching, awful moment where his mind raced forward, dragging him into possibilities he didn’t want to consider. It was terribly easy to imagine Anakin finding Ahsoka, instead of Obi-Wan, terribly easy to consider her blue eyes shadowed and--

“Yes,” Cody said, startling Rex out of the spiralling horror of his thoughts. Rex twisted in his seat, watching Cody stalk over, a cup of caff in his hand. “We should have.” Cody kept going, apparently finished, and Rex rose to follow him, because none of his brothers looked well, but Cody...

Rex said, falling into step beside Cody as he made his way to a far table, empty of anyone else, “Bones is looking for you.”

“He can keep looking.” Cody hissed a little at the burn of the caff, sitting with a scowl, one leg immediately bouncing up and down.

Rex stood for a moment, feeling the urge to wait for permission to sit, and then remembered he didn’t have to do that, any longer. He sat, watching Cody frown at nothing, and then said, carefully, “Doing alright?”

“Fine,” Cody said, not looking at him.

Rex felt like he was balancing on a wire. When they’d come out to check out the intel, he hadn’t expected to walk into a situation like this. The entire ship felt like a bomb about to go off, like an explosion waiting to happen.

He didn’t like to think what would happen to his brothers, if that happened.

And so he cleared his throat and said, quietly, “It really wasn’t your fault.”

Cody’s mouth twisted, terribly. Everyone else had avoided Rex’s eyes, but Cody looked at him, and Rex wished, immediately, that he hadn’t. “The fuck would you know about whose fault it is?” Cody snarled. “You weren’t there. You got free, you looked after Ahsoka--”

“I got lucky,” Rex said, feeling it more than ever. “She figured out how to--”

“I beat him. Obi-Wan,” Cody cut in. Rex wasn’t sure he’d heard the interjection. Rex froze, bracing a hand on the table. “Skywalker ordered me to, and I did. He pleaded with me to stop and I didn’t listen. And I…” Cody’s jaw worked, soundlessly, for a moment, before he hissed, “and I raped him, so, you don’t get to come here, and tell me it wasn’t my fault, I--”

“Sithspit,” Rex whispered, as Cody’s words cut off again, both his hands balled to fists. “That’s -- Cody. You didn’t want to, that’s--the chip--”

“I broke the chip,” Cody spat, flat and hard, “So that’s no excuse. I broke it. Just not fast enough. I wasn’t strong enough. Didn’t want to do it badly enough, when I was--”

“I’ve never heard of anyone else breaking the kriffing things,” Rex said, reaching out cautiously, gently putting a hand on Cody’s shoulder. He jumped, beneath Rex’s touch, muscles knotted and hard. “The things they made us do--”

“Made us do? What’d they make you do?” Cody demanded, looking over, and meeting his gaze was like taking a punch.

“They would have made me kill her. Ahsoka,” Rex said, calm and honest, feeling Cody flinch under his hand. “I would have done it. Pulled the trigger and put a blaster bolt between her eyes and--and I couldn’t have stopped it. Wolffe killed General Koon. Bly killed Secura. Are you calling them murderers, because you know they’d have never--”

Cody pushed up and out of his chair, and for a moment Rex thought that he’d gone too far, pushed too much, but Cody wasn’t looking at him. His gaze was across the room, towards the door, where other troopers were pushing out, the atmosphere of the room changing, all at once.

“What’s going on?” Rex demanded, standing himself, following Cody as he crossed the room.

Ahsoka thought she’d seen Obi-Wan’s expression break, before. She’d seen him hurt, many times, certainly. Seen him walk off battlefields, seen him bent over the dead, seen him grieving so openly it hurt.

His expression had never done what it did in the corridor, her last words still echoing around them. She watched him curl in, somehow, without ever seeming to move, eyes shuttered for all that they remained open. He asked, quietly, as someone pushed through the door at his back, “What?”

Ahsoka blinked the stinging blur from her eyes. Nothing seemed quite real yet, it hadn’t all settled. She’d thought, told herself, that she’d be able to help Anakin, for so long, and-- “You were his Master,” she said, choking, “he trusted you, you should have tried to save him--”

And there were troopers there, then, in the hall with them. She watched two of them just - just catch Obi-Wan and only realized then that he’d swayed, staring forward, sightlessly.

“What the kriff did you just say?” Stripes demanded, stepping in front of Obi-Wan, blocking him from her view, bristling, and they were all, every single one of them, radiating anger, fierce and jagged edged.

She took a step back, bracing, hands itching to reach for her lightsabers as Rex came through the door, a single piece of relief, even as he demanded to know what was happening. Stripes didn’t look away from Ahsoka to answer. “She said the General didn’t do enough to save Skywalker.”

It was odd, how the hall went quiet, then, just for an instant, before Cody said, tone harder than durasteel, “Rex. Take Commander Tano out of here.”

Obi-Wan’s voice was a surprise, small and rasping, “It’s al--”

“Now,” Cody cut in, and Ahsoka could see him gripping the doorframe, see a muscle jumping in his jaw, over and over again.

Rex only jerked out a nod, even though he didn’t have to take Cody’s orders anymore, stepping forward and taking her arm. She said, “I don’t--”

“We’ll talk about it later,” Rex said, quiet, close to her ear, and something about his emotions, pulled taunt with worry and concern, made her shut her jaw, her teeth closing with a little click. He said, without turning back, “We’ll just… be in our shuttle. For a while.”

Ahsoka waited until they were down the hall, around a corner, to hiss, “Rex, what the kriff--”

“Not here,” he gritted back, gaze moving to the side as they passed a trooper, who watched them with a curious expression. Rex refused to say anything else until they were through the airlock, into their little ship, and then he only said, sounding agonized, “Tell me you didn’t.”

Ahsoka blinked at him, feeling unnerved and on-edge. The sheer tension radiating out of everyone on the Recompense made it hard to think clearly. They were filling the Force up with their hurt and she had to work to keep it out. “Didn’t what?” she asked, stepping back from him and frowning.

“Say that about--”

“Rex,” she cut in, shaking her head and spinning around the pilot’s chair so she could drop down into it, wishing she’d sent someone else to check this all out. “He - he was Anakin’s Master, he - if anyone should have been able--”

“Skywalker did this to them,” Rex said, quiet, leaning his shoulder against the wall, looking down and the to the side.

Ahsoka took a breath to recover and then said, “What?”

He jerked out a nod. “He - he took the 212th, from what I can tell. Kept them on Mustafar. And then he, well. Captured General Kenobi. And... “ He swallowed, loudly enough that she heard it, his hands in fists. “And…”

“No,” she said, shaking her head. “Anakin wouldn’t--”

“They weren’t lying to me.” There was a jagged edge in Rex’s voice, something she’d never heard much. “He spent months--”

“No,” Ahsoka repeated, because she’d kept a flame of hope burning inside her chest for three years. Knowledge that if she just - just got close enough, she could find a way. Bring Anakin back. Rescue him from the darkness he’d fallen into.

Rex sighed, scrubbing a hand back over his head and moving forward, sinking down into the chair across from her. He reached out, after a moment, snagging her hand and threading their fingers together. When he looked up, his eyes were dark and shining.

“I know you don’t want to hear it,” he said, quietly, “but you need to. You’ve got to feel how they’re hurting.” She nodded, throat getting tight. She could feel the agony, had to work to keep it away, losing her grip on it as he sat there and spoke, quietly, trailing off sometimes, the words beating their way into her head.

And she tried to say “no” again, when he was finished. He’d leaned forward, back bowing as though he couldn’t bear the weight of what he’d learned, and she leaned forward to meet him, resting her forehead against his. She wanted to tell him he was wrong, but she’d known Anakin well, after all. Once upon a time. She’d seen him get angry, seen what that anger could drive him to, and she’d thought….

She said, “Sithspit,” into the space between them, and Rex nodded. She scrubbed at her face; it had been a long time since she rubbed at her cheeks and had her fingers come away wet. “What are we supposed to do for them?”

Rex sighed, staring down at their hands. “I don’t know,” he said. “I’ve never...dealt with anything like this.”

She thought about her last words to Obi-Wan, the way he’d looked at her, blank and distant and kriffing hell, if he was sitting in the Recompense, thinking he should have saved the man who beat and raped and--and she swallowed, heavily. “Me either.”

He stroked his thumb across the side of her hand and said, “Guess we’ll figure it out together.”

#whumptober2020 #alt.7 #found family #references to past torture and non con #fall out of mind control #references to suicide #mental anguish #clone wars #fic #oof!au #codywan #glad rex and ahsoka are here but damn gonna hurt for a bit

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kimjongdaely · 4 years ago

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Eternal [Chapter 9]

Vampire!AU

Pairing: Baekhyun x Reader

Warnings: Language, violence, abuse, sexual situations, abortion, mention of suicide

Summary: You’re not sure how to deal with your current situation. Your owner, Byun Baekhyun, isn’t helping with the stress. But what happens when you find a risky solution that might just solve all your problems?

Prologue [M]│Chapter 1│Chapter 2│Chapter 3│Chapter 4│Chapter 5│ Chapter 6│Chapter 7│Chapter 8│Chapter 9│Chapter 10│Chapter 11 │Chapter 12│Chapter 13

You can’t tell if things have gotten better or worse.

It’s mostly just suffocatingly quiet. The kind of quiet that makes you go insane. You haven’t spoken to Baekhyun in a while. You’re not sure how long; you’ve lost track.

Every day feels the same. You get sick most of the time and it’s hard to keep any food down. Yixing is really worried. He tries his best to monitor your condition and get you to eat, but every time you smell food you just want to vomit again.

Your stomach has gotten a lot bigger. Having the baby bump finally show makes it all the more concrete and real, and you need that constant reminder.

A reminder that you’re not a total screwup. That at least you’re doing something right.

But you’re getting too thin and the baby needs to eat more than you do. You have yet to find something to eat that won’t make you sick. The girls have tried everything they could think of, all types of food from all over the world. Nothing seems to help. You’re beginning to think it’s more about your mindset than actually being unable to keep anything down. You’re so upset over Baekhyun that it’s affecting your health.

No, no you can’t let that hinder you. You have to do it for the baby.

Curled up on your bed, you clutch at your stomach, feeling the baby bump and tears fill your eyes. What should you do? What if you miscarry? You don’t think you can handle it if your baby dies. You’ll surely follow immediately after, regardless of what Baekhyun does. This child is everything you wanted, proof of your existence, no matter how small it is. It’s your family, the only thing connected to you by blood.

Please live. It doesn’t matter if you have to die to bring it into this world. As long as it lives, nothing matters.

And that’s the mindset you try to sustain. You forced food down, taking small bites at a time and several deep breaths, hoping it doesn’t come back up. You take it easy, getting lots of rest and spend your time reading books. You chat a lot more with the girls and ask Yixing for advice constantly.

You have to make the change. You can’t keep wallowing in sorrow forever. For the baby.

You must live as well.

Just until your child is brought to the world.

A few more days and Emerald approaches you. You didn’t want to see her, have done very well avoiding her, but you know you have to do this. You can’t keep avoiding her forever.

“Hi.” She greets.

“Hi.”

She sits down beside you on the couch, looking sheepish and fiddling with her hands. You sigh, setting your book down. “Did you want something?”

“I wanted to apologize.” She said, eyes downcast. “I know you don’t really like me being here, so—”

“Don’t.”

“Excuse me?” She looks surprised.

“Don’t.” You repeat, snapping. “You and I both know it’s not your fault. If it’s anyone’s fault, it’s mine for getting pregnant.”

She blinks, shocked. “That’s not what I—”

“Yes, I know.” You rise, a bout of anger rising in you. “Baekhyun needs you. He’ll die if he doesn’t feed and I...” Tears well up and it’s hard to control yourself, your voice cracking, “I can’t help him. It’s not your fault. It’s mine.”

You leave her flabbergasted in the living room as you stomp up to your room, sniffing and trying hard not to break down, again. Your emotions are everywhere and you berate yourself for blowing up. You could’ve handled it so much better, should’ve smiled and said ‘it’s fine’ and the two of you can go off on your merry way. You just have to ruin everything.

There’s a knock at your door. “Thorn, we need to talk.”

Oh, great. What perfect timing Baekhyn has. You’re not sure you’re emotionally well enough for this conversation.

You still open the door, letting him inside. He has the right to be angry and upset. Has the right to check up on his own child.

He does not look happy. He stares at you, arms crossed over his chest. “Why are you so upset?”

You blink, not expecting that question. You thought he would yell and scold. You swallow. “I...I don’t know.”

His eyes narrow. “Don’t lie to me.”

You look away, feeling guilty and stupid and wishing you could disappear. “I was jealous.”

“You said it was okay.” He reminds, voice gruff. “I asked you. You said you understood. How am I going to feed if I don’t touch her?”

You scowl, throwing your hands in the air, the first time you’ve done so. “I don’t know!” Baekhyun takes a step back, surprised by your outburst, hands falling to his sides. You pace your room, tears flowing freely now as you rant. “I don’t know, okay. I’m stressed and scared and insecure, my feelings are everywhere and I have no control over them! I just want to cry all day long and scream. I’m not eating well and I can’t let anything happen to the baby but everything’s going wrong and I’m so scared.” You take a shuddering breath, your voice dropping. “I just want to be with you. Is that too much to ask?”

From the corner of your eye you see Baekhyun open his mouth. You swirl towards him and cut him off sharply.

“Even if I have to take care of this baby on my own, I’ll do it. I don’t need you, Baekhyun. I can handle it fine on my own—”

“Thorn.”

“—because I’ve been alone all my life—”

“Thorn, please.”

“—it makes no difference now—”

“Thorn!” Baekhyun roars, eyes blazing as he stomps to you and then—

Oh, he’s kissing you. With all the frustration and hurt and passion he’s felt these few days all at once. You melt into his arms almost immediately, clutching him for balance and kiss him back, letting him soothe away your worries.

Then his kisses soften, turning into affectionate pecks instead, his thumb rubbing circles in the small of your back. You rest your head against his shoulder, cooing as he rocks you gently. You missed him so much it’s unbearable.

“I’m sorry.” He says after a while. “I’m sorry I made you feel insecure and I wasn’t always there for you. But please stop getting angry at Emerald—she’s innocent.”

You sniff, nodding. “I know. I’m sorry too. I just can’t stop myself and blow up. I’ll apologize to her, I promise.”

“I heard from Yixing about your condition.” He says. “Is there anything I can get you? Craving anything?”

“Not really.” You wrinkle your nose. “I am a little hungry now though.”

He lets out a quiet laugh. “Let’s get you some food then.” He grows serious once more. “And don’t say things like you’ll handle this alone. I’m not the best support but I do want to support you.” He looks down, looking ashamed. “You just have to beat me upside the head sometime and tell me what you need.”

You giggle, nodding. “Okay, I will.”

“And Sehun?” Baekhyun asks. “Has he spoken to you lately?”

You frown, tilting your head as you think. “No. Why?”

Baekhyun lets out a smile, though it looks tight. “Never mind then. It’s nothing.”

Your pregnancy has been going well since then. You’ve tried harder to ignore it when Baekhyun feeds on Emerald. He’s cut back the frequency, which you feel immensely guilty about but he assures you it’s fine. He’s trying not to set you off again.

You’re at 24 weeks now, which means you’re about halfway there. You can feel the baby kicking around too, and it always brings a grin to your face. The first time you made Baekhyun feel the baby kick, he was horrified. Thought the baby was hurting you.

You assured him over and over again that it wasn’t so, and it actually made you incredibly happy. You would squeal and coo at your tummy when it moved. Baekhyun was skeptical but learned to accept it. Though his reaction was disappointing, you’re glad he’s gotten better with the idea of your pregnancy.

He’ll even sometimes feel it on his own now, eyes widening whenever the baby would greet him, though you haven’t seen him smile.

It makes you a little sad to think about.

You wonder what’s going on in his mind. Is he really not the least bit happy about this? Or is he just extremely worried about you? You’ve tried asking, but he always answers very vaguely and he’s learned to give you answers that you want to hear.

It frustrates you to no end, but you keep quiet because you know he’s trying. He’s trying so hard, and sometimes you see notes scrawled over his desk. Out of curiosity you pick a paper up to read to find him desperately searching for a way to keep you alive. There are so many questions unanswered, and hundreds of ideas crossed out.

And then in a corner you find a scribbled, Victoria?

You frown, recognizing the name. You see Baekhyun talking quietly with Jongdae and Junmyeon sometimes, and Yixing would join in occasionally. They all look so serious when they talk, voices staying hushed and often they talk in the middle of the night when the Pets are asleep. You’ve only caught them like that a few times when you wake up with a craving for a midnight snack.

So what connection has Baekhyun made about your pregnancy and Victioria, of all people? You shudder at the name, not wanting to think about her.

You make a mental note to ask him about this later, but for now you stack his notes up neatly and set them aside. You also wish there was a way you could live through this, and you’re staying as optimistic as you can.

No one knows for sure that you’ll die, anyways. Maybe you can push through if you’re determined enough. You hope you are.

Rubbing your belly, you sigh as you snuggle into Baekhyun’s bed, waiting for him to come home from patrol. You’ve been sleeping in here now rather than your own room. Everything smells like him and it calms you down. You love sleeping in his clothes and wrapping yourself up with his blanket.

Then there’s a knock.

Puzzled, you push yourself up and hobble towards the door. It’s Sehun, looking rather thrilled, eyes wide and a grin on his face. “Hi, Thorn.”

“Hi.” You frown at his expression, rarely seeing him like this. “Did something happen?”

“I found a way,” he says, slightly breathless and so eager. “A way that you can live.”

Previous Chapter│ Next Chapter

Eternal Mini Masterlist

A/N: Oooh plot twist? Cliffhanger? I’m excited 😆

Tags: @loser-dot-com @meryljill-111192 @ugeuuupabo @baekyeolbeom @weirdsofagirls @and-you-found-me @ilovexiu @enchanting-exo @byunfirstlady @skjdln @iietherealsky @1039-smooths @dear-fake-diary @chibi-desu-yo-01 @marimsun @sebootyforlife @baekhyuq @kyoongies @lavellanfriendliness @wongxiexie @always-wishing-for-rain @suhoandbaekhyunruinme @noonaofjungkook @mango-bear @lightmochi @simplyyeol @moon8894 @luvvaerihun @his-mochi-cheeks @sweetjellytine @junmyeonnoona @haruharux23 @sunbyun21

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astraeass · 4 years ago

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[1] start once again;

[cross-posted in ao3 • fem reader]

pairing: levi ackerman/reader (first three chapters doesn’t have Levi at all tho..)

warnings: cursing, talks about adoption, panic attack, dissociative amnesia

words: 2145

Summary:

you just wanted to know the truth, so why not be a reckless dumbass and join the scouts

"I’m joining the survey corps"

Laria froze, she couldn’t believe what her sweet, little girl was saying.

Wait, she’s not her sweet little girl anymore.

"What..?"

"You heard me Laria, I’m pretty sure you know what does that means, right?"

"[Y/N] please you can't do this to me... you can’t do this to David!"

"Or what..?"

You know this is cruel, you totally know, but your current desire to go outside the walls and see what the fuck is happening dominated your thoughts.

Laria fell to her knees, staring at the floor, apparently the old wood texture was more interesting for her than what you wanted to say.

With a deep sigh, you kneeled before her, holding her shoulders softly, when noticing your presence, Laria almost instantly grabbed yours in an opposite manner, with a tight and aggressive hold.

"[Y/N]... please don’t do this, tha-that’s suicide!"

You looked at her pale green orbs with intensity, sending her a sign that no matter what, your choice will not change that easily

"If you want me to stay, I just want to know from where I actually am, tell me Laria"

The older woman flinched, it was such a foreign sensation to hear her name coming from her daughter.

Silence.

"I..."

Laria looked down her palms closing and opening with hesitation.

"I don’t know"

You rolled your eyes standing up, you couldn’t take more of this bullshit.

Laria without your hands supporting her shoulders, fell down. Tears falling down her cheeks and meeting the creaking floor no long after.

"You are telling me you adopted me without knowing where the fuck I am from?"

The only sound you could hear were Laria's sobs, you know she’s trying to control them, but she can’t hold them a second more.

"You know I’m not from inside the walls...?"

More silence.

You don’t really know what’s going on in Laria's mind right know, her face was hiding in the floor, it was impossible to see the expression of shock in her usual calm features

"What...?”

Her voice was cracking again, that sent a pang to your heart. After all, she and her husband David were the ones who raised you.

But, you will move on.

You need to move on.

"I want to know from where I am, that’s why I’m joining the survey corps. I’ll go outside the walls"

Your turned away from her, slowly walking to the door you recently came from, without looking back, because you knew that you wouldn’t be able to continue forward if you see her pained expression again.

24 hours before;

It was another normal day, you were going to the market, David, your father, needed some fresh tomatoes for the plate he was cooking today. Even thought your butlers could go out and buy them for him, you insisted enough, just like always.

"You started being a really stubborn girl since you came to the world, [Y/N]" Said David with a smirk in his face when you managed to convince him. This time was harder, it was like he was scared about me going outside, it was... strange.

You loved going outside.

The chattering from people doing their chores, the sun's bright light and slight breeze softly caressing your skin brought you to a state of comfort that made you unconsciously smile.

After a short walk, you reached your destination, a small stand that sold fresh ingredients, most of them vegetables. You weren’t fond of their taste at all, but the smell was added to your list of comfort ambience.

"Hey [Y/N]! You’re doing the shopping today again?"

You nodded to the old woman, she was already used to your presence and usual shopping. You maybe were outside way too much

"Yes, Miss Anderson! However this time was harder to convince my father, I think it’s because I’m getting older"

After grabbing the necessary quantity David asked for and payed for it, you followed the way to go to home, this time you went faster, an uneasy feeling wandered you for a strange reason, making you want to go home as fast as possible.

However, a familiar voice made you stop in your tracks.

"Claire wait a minute!"

You turned around when you heard your last name and meet big bright blue eyes, a tall form with broad shoulders. He was person of your age and apparently he was panting a little, it seemed that he ran for you to catch you before you decided to go home.

Erwin Smith, the golden boy in your class.

You didn’t know a lot from him, you just knew that his father died when he was younger coincidentally after he spread some rumors about what’s outside the walls, oh and that he was a little bit older than you.

Not that you care anyways.

"Erwin, what do you need?"

After gaining some air after running for you, he handed you a little bag with some money that you recognized as what David gave you for the tomatoes

"This fell from your pocket and I couldn’t help but notice that I was from you"

"...Thank you"

The both of you stood there, an awkward silence invaded your comfort, and that bothered you a lot. You were a quiet person since you were small, so it was always hard for you to start a conversation but ended up getting used to it.

This was so embarrassing.

"I can walk you to your home, if you want to"

"No"

You didn’t even hesitate and continued with your way back home.

"Thank you again, uh.. I’ll get going"

And with that you left, you were close to your house anyways. But a feeling of regret started to eat you up. You hated your boldness.

that’s why you don’t make friends [Y/N]...

However, Erwin didn’t actually move from his spot, he decided to stay there watching your form slowly decrease its size. There was something strange about you.

He was finding it out.

;;

You finally reached home, opening the big doors of you house, don’t caring if your maids scolded you for doing it because it was their job.

"[Y/N] how much times we need to tell you that you don’t need to open the doors?"

Giselle, the head maid told you for the nth time this week with an already annoyed look. It was getting irritating, couldn’t anyone see you were trying to be independent?

You just passed by, Giselle after all wasn’t way too much older than you, her mother worked for your family for a long time, so she just got her title thanks to her, which to you, was an error since she sometimes thought a superiority aura would intimidate you.

At first you thought she was jealous, but why? Your looks? Your sharp but at the same time soft features are beautiful, they contrasted perfectly. Mayhap your intelligence? ...no.

This is ridiculous.

"[Y/N] sweetheart, you’re already home?"

Laria with David at her side interrupted your thoughts, making you jump a little and hoping that they didn’t notice.

David Claire was a tall man, strawberry blond curly and slightly long hair, usually tied up in a low ponytail and his chocolate dark wide shaped eyes complemented his face very well.

Meanwhile Laria Claire has her platinum blond almost white hair trimmed in a bob cut, her light chubby face was cute, but her sharp hazel eyes kind of scared you sometimes, the way her bangs sometimes covered them didn’t help at all.

But you.. you were strange, preciously strange, a girl unique with unique features.

Way too unique.

"Yes, I didn’t need to buy a lot of things"

You approached your kitchen, leaving the bag were you carried the tomatoes besides David, him sending you a sweet thankful smile. When you were bringing your hands to your pockets, you felt a bulge, noticing that it was the little bag that Erwin picked up from were it fell.

"Oh, I almost forgot giving your money back father, where do I leave it?" You asked playing with the bag bouncing it between your hands

David chuckled seeing your cute mannerisms and pointed upstairs. "Just leave it in my office, inside the first drawer if you can, please" He looked at you with pleading eyes.

Huh...?

You nodded, grabbing the money bag before it fell and headed upstairs. Wondering why your father gave you that look, he seemed even desperate for you to place the pouch back. David's office was the last one in the hall, giving you more time to think about what just happened.

Entering the room, you expect something coming out for you. How dumb. Slowly, you went to the desk and opened the first drawer, inside a paper with your name and another last name.

[Y/N] [L/N]

[L/N]...? What.

The money pouch you were holding, fell down because you were holding it tightly, the force increasing the more you read the coins falling everywhere and making a loud noise that probably reached your parents in the kitchen. Shit.

Before picking up and collecting the coins you fell down on your knees, an heavy headache suddenly hitting you.

I’m.. I can’t I’m not an object

Why did they sell me..?

You were lying down the floor of a carriage, the wet and cold wood hugged your soft cheek. The rocky path making your body jump from time to time. Your wrists and ankles were tied tightly, you moved a bit, but it burnt. You also had some type of clothing around your mouth preventing you to scream for help.

The only thing keeping you conscious was the beautiful nature you could see by a hole in the cloth that was hiding your body from the outside world so no one could see that the carriage had a kidnapped girl in the back.

It was beautiful, pink... trees? A large body of water that reflected the mountains and the full bright moon. The mountains had some snow at the top since it was very white. However you couldn’t see a lot more since your vision started to fade.

You suddenly gasped loudly, opening your eyes widely. Your hands were gripping your hair with a strong hold and you barely noticed you were crying after seeing some wet spots in the floor below you. What.. was that?

"[Y/N]"

The voice of your fath- no. The voice of David startled you, making you look up him with a tear stained face. His eyes sending you pity.

You hated that.

You stood up rapidly pushing past him with so much force, that it made him fall on his butt, you were about to help him but as fast as you stood, you face contorted in anger leaving the office to run to your room.

Closing you door behind you and locking it up, you turned your back to your door, supporting yourself on it and carefully sliding till you sat in the floor, bringing your knees to your face and hiding it.

No, you weren’t crying, you were confused, you were angry. Why that memory decided to appear in that exact moment? To much in such a short amount of time.

You expected David or even Laria to come and knock to her door to see if they cared. They didn’t. Was that also part of your illusion? The loved and cared for you... right?

Not that you cared, again.

Next day, after coming for whatever your were doing, probably just spacing out, collecting your thoughts. You confronted Laria, apparently David didn’t tell her about your little panic attack, it was heartbreaking, he wasn’t even there.

The more you walked from your house, the more determined you were to join the scouts. You’ll finally know your origin, it didn’t matter if it was tragic or not, your curiosity apparently won. How sad.

;;

"So yeah... that was pretty much what happened"

You didn’t expect meeting Erwin when joining the training corps, however it didn’t surprise you at all. What really surprised you is his look of amazement in his eyes when telling your story.

The bright look being more noticeable when he was listening to your theory of yourself not being from inside the walls.

"I know Smith, the idea is basically impossible, it could be a dream, y'know those fiction ones" you said after seeing how he kept on silence after some minutes when you told him what happened in your household not long ago.

Nothing.

"Could you say something? This is awkward as fuck"

Erwin pupils widened, he's back to the real world. His expression know shooting you an apologetic smile, making you frown.

"My apologies [L/N], I was in my own mind. I’m sorry all of tha-"

"Don’t pity me, I did it myself"

Next Chapter

#levi ackerman x reader #levi x reader

16 notes · View notes

readyplayerhobi · 5 years ago

Text

Flower | 17

; Hoseok x Reader

; Genre: Angst, very slight fluff

; Word Count: 6k

; Warnings: Emotional breakdown, depiction of a panic/anxiety attack, in depth discussion/description of depression, brief mentions of suicide, lack of self-worth, self-hatred, self-doubt, dissociation

; Synopsis: You finally decide to take a dip into the world of online dating and find the Flower dating app. One of the top matches for you proves to be a guy who looks to be your complete opposite; tattooed, pierced, a metalhead and oh…incredibly handsome. What happens when you throw caution to the wind and reach out to him?

; A/N: I haven’t proof read because...well I don’t really want to re-read it. So forgive me for any mistakes! It’s early by a day because I’ve missed a few weeks so I want you all to have something on what is a rainy night here in England <3

PLEASE make sure to read the warnings on this one. This chapter is very hard hitting for anyone who has suffered depression/anxiety. I put myself back in the position I was in last year when I had my own breakdown and I know people have said before that I write in a way that makes you feel what the character is feeling. Therefore, please don’t read if you’re going to be affected by the warnings! And please also be kind if you don’t agree with the way I depicted this. This is how my own depression and anxiety affected me, only I didn’t have a Hoseok in my life. The experiences the reader goes through in this are the ones I personally have experienced. It’s still a reader insert, don’t worry. She after all has a lot of things I don’t, and I’m also okay, so don’t worry on that front either! If you feel upset about anything after reading this, please consider reaching out to friends, family, professionals or a helpline that specialises in it!

And remember throughout everything...you’re not alone! You’re not worthless and you are loved. <3

Leaning against the railing outside your work building, you let out a deep and heavy sigh as you read through the email you’d just received. It’s a rejection email. The third rejection email you’d received today and the twenty-third you’d received in two weeks.

After an in-depth talk with your parents and support from Chungha, Soyeon and Hoseok, you’d decided to finally try and get that career change you’d always wanted. Though you’d pointed out that you didn’t know what you wanted from life anymore.

You didn’t know what you wanted full stop.

One of the things that you’d been most afraid of when you’d realised that your relationship with Hoseok was turning into something genuine and real, had been what was going to come after. Not in terms of breaking up, though that did terrify you as well, but how your mental state was going to cope.

You’d tried to explain it to the girls a few times in an effort to get them to understand what went on in your rollercoaster of a mind, and you’d clumsily told Hoseok a few months ago. Or you’d tried at least.

Talking about your emotions wasn’t easy for you and the fear of being too honest about something so crippling with someone who meant so much to you already had scared you away from telling him too much. Your mind had balked at it, afraid that if he found out just how bad you got sometimes that he might just leave before he got in too deep.

So you’d given him a very bare bones explanation of what happened to you sometimes. He probably didn’t think too much of it at the moment as you’d been pretty cheerful throughout the start of your relationship; the bliss of him overriding any of your deep seated depression and anxieties.

Hoseok was obviously aware that you suffered from anxiety and had been very caring in regards to that, but it was entirely different to be with someone in the grip of a depressive episode. Your form of depression could almost be charted, it was that easy to see what was coming, and you’d been so afraid for the last few weeks.

The lethargy and disinterest that associated itself so strongly with your depression had been creeping back into your life slowly. It had frightened you, but you just didn’t know how to combat it. Doing things that were big or made you extremely happy always seemed to come with a huge cost, and the cost was unfortunately your mental health.

Every single time you felt exhilarating highs in your emotions, the feelings so joyful and euphoric from your excitement and pure happiness, you suffered a plunging crash afterwards that often felt like it sucked the joy out of your life. It was something you’d tried to cope with for years now, and sometimes you could go months upon months without feeling like it was affecting you.

But the happiness of finding Hoseok and all of the early stages of your relationship, from the first kiss to sex and meeting your parents, had finally waned. The last few weeks had the deep sense of unhappiness that plagued your negative moods spreading quickly.

It had started as usual with the slowly losing interest in going out; the energy you’d once had to be social outside of your apartment dying until the idea of anything other than work or grocery shopping was too much effort. Then had come the lack of interest in anything.

You’d always found it hard to see that you were slipping, only recognising it properly when you would realise that you’d been laid on your bed or the couch for hours on end, doing nothing at all. Any attempts to find something to watch on television failed as your brain couldn’t find anything interesting enough to keep it’s attention, games sat unplayed as you couldn’t find the energy to turn them on while even just reading bored you.

In particularly bad spells, such as your final year of college when you’d been so afraid of failing but also afraid of having to go into the real world, you struggled to find the energy to even get out of bed. Hygiene only became a thing because of your severe distaste of being unclean, but other than that your bed often became your home.

You would sleep for hours upon hours, napping the day’s away as you consoled yourself with the knowledge that you didn’t have anything to do and so therefore didn’t need to get up. Even though a small voice in the back of your mind told you that no, you should get up. You should do something.

That small voice was drowned out often though. Vanishing on a fast current of melancholy. It frightened you that you were experiencing that now again, even with the wonderful light and joy that was Hoseok in your life. Waking up long after he’d already gotten up on the weekend and realising that you didn’t want to get up and follow him, that not even the comfort of his arms was enough to soothe the jagged hole inside your soul that seemed to grow deeper and wider with every day that passed.

Applying for the jobs had been an appeasement to those in your life who were worried about you. You knew that Hoseok could tell something was wrong, but he just didn’t seem to know what to do or how to help. Understandable really, as you didn’t tell him what was wrong.

But staring down at your phone screen, the black letters bold against the white background that once more proclaimed you weren’t good enough, you felt something deep inside you break. Something that you hadn’t realised was holding on by the thinnest thread, chafing away with each negative thought that had passed through your mind over the years.

What’s the point?

The insipid question whispers through your mind.

Why am I trying?

A second slithers into place, taking comfort with its neighbour.

Why am I doing this?

A third nestles safely between the two brooding thoughts.

I’ll never be good enough for anything.

Leaning your head forehead, you let it rest on your hand on the railing, eyes closing as your other hand tightens on your phone. The hopelessness that your mind has spun to life explodes to life, multiplying into countless thoughts of desolation and gloom that somehow combine together to make your head feel heavy and your limbs tired.

Slumping down onto the ground, you turn and let your back press against the railings. It was your lunch currently and you were at the back of the parking lot that faced your building, the facade blank with no clue as to what was going on inside.

Blinking slowly, you realise that your breath is stuttering, almost choking itself. Like your throat is closing around nothing while your heart races a thousand miles a minute. Glancing down, you realise that your hands are shaking violently and you try to swallow, the movement so hard. And then you press a palm to your chest, a small whimper leaving your mouth as you simply try to breath.

But it all feels too much. It’s all just too much.

There’s nothing inside your head but despondency and yet your body feels too much, like it can’t cope. Your mind swings violently between the white fuzz of nothing and the sheer panic of a looming sense of dread, the fear of failure, rejection. The fear that you meant nothing and your life was nothing.

I can’t do this anymore.

It’s a simple thought, only five words long and it dances through your mind like a leaf on the breeze. Effortless and simple.

For a few seconds you think nothing of it, the part of your mind that wasn’t well agreeing with it and conceding that there was no point anymore. You weren’t doing anything useful in life anyway and you doubted anyone would truly notice if you’d gone. A cog in the machine of life, that’s all you were.

And cogs could be replaced after all.

But then that tiny voice that had been washed away earlier appeared again, resolute and defiant against the tidal waves of desolation that swamped it. The tiny kernel of hope and happiness that you’d once had, that had slowly grown and blossomed into a tree with roots so deep it couldn’t be moved. It was a little dejected and a little threadbare from lack of nourishment, but it was there all the same.

The part of you that didn’t want to give up, the part of you that wanted to fight for your life. The part that had spurred you to confidence to message Hoseok, that had encouraged you to keep going in college. The part of you that told you it didn’t want to give up, didn’t want to give in.

Your lungs are heaving now, body hunched over as you grip your legs so tightly, head pressed to your knees while salty tears drip down your face. A heartbeat that feels like it’s working overtime is so loud you can feel it in your chest, the tension in your arms and torso so strong that your muscles hurt from the ache of holding them for so long.

Eyes hot and stinging as the tears overflow, you press hard on your chest and try to regulate your breathing. Try to calm yourself down, to bring yourself back from the precipice of the pain and panic that you feel. The overwhelming rollercoaster of your emotions is giving you whiplash, the melancholy you had been swept with being beaten savagely by the fear of your inability to breath and the panic of how dark your thoughts had gotten.

You needed to talk to someone, you needed to see someone. You needed someone there, someone to tell you that it was okay. That you weren’t worthless. That you had value, that you were loved. That you would be missed. That life wouldn’t be okay without you, that you were needed and necessary. Someone to push away your thoughts for long enough to just let you think clearly.

You don’t even realise you’ve dialled his number, fingers moving on autopilot as if your body is trying to help when your mind has become so paralysed. It’s not until his voice finally manages to pierce through the incessant self-flagellation that your mind is undertaking that you blink in confusion, brow creasing as you wonder why he’s here.

Glancing up, you wipe away at the tears that keep falling and stare at your phone, squinting to focus. The familiar smiling face of your boyfriend stares back, a photo taken weeks back on a date day to the beach. Your heart clenched tightly and your breath shudders, the wheezing sound as your lungs work hard to try and get oxygen loud as you have the odd mixture of desperation to talk to him along with the dread of annoying him.

One of the things you’ve always hated was talking about these personal issues with people. Even though you knew rationally that people would rather you tell them about what was worrying and upsetting you, the gleefully self-destructive part of your mind told you that you were annoying them with your concerns.

But Hoseok was talking through the small speaker, his voice loud against the quiet scenery around you with only your hyperventilated breathing being the odd noise. And then his words finally made sense, the syllables that had broken through your ennui turning into sounds you understood.

It was the confusion in them that caused you to listen properly at first, the way he said your name repeatedly before the ragged sound of your breathing obviously began to register. Then your name became more frantic, the fear in his voice slicing through your own inner wail of despair.

“Y/N? Hello? Y/N are you there? Hellooo? Y/N? Are you okay? Hey, are you...Y/N are you crying? Y/N? Talk to me, come on. Answer me sweetheart, baby answer me. Y/N what’s wrong? Are you crying? Y/N please answer.” His voice is getting progressively louder, the concern and worry louder and you suddenly feel even more self-loathing at the knowledge you’ve panicked him.

“Hobi.” It’s all you can get out though, the word pushing past the tightness of your throat as it contracts so violently, air struggling to get past. Clutching your chest, you recognise an odd wailing sound that escapes with each breath outwards. Hands shaking, you press the phone to your ear and let out a broken sob, trying to talk to him.

“Baby, baby what’s wrong? Has something happened? Are you okay? Have you had an accident? Is it your parents?” He fires questions at you quickly, trying to find some answer as to why his girlfriend has called him in the middle of a workday only to be sobbing and wailing down the phone at him.

Particularly when you both knew how much you despised talking on the phone.

But just the sound of his voice is soothing to the frayed nerves within you, a balm to the deep and aching pain that lurks inside. It’s not enough to pull you out your breakdown, not yet at least. This isn’t a film and television show and you’re aware enough to realise that real life doesn’t happen like that.

God you felt warm, so warm. So unbelievably warm but the sweat on your skin is cold, like you’re ill. Squeezing your eyes shut, you choke as you inhale too fast and your diaphragm jerks in a way that has you almost hiccuping.

Even though he doesn’t actually know what’s happening, Hoseok still manages to do the right thing. Because he stops his own panicked questions, his voice suddenly stabilises and a calm tone taking over.

“Okay baby...baby, listen to me. Okay, you’re okay. You’re gonna be okay. It’s going to be okay sweetheart, I swear. Come on, can you hear me?” A torn sound of acknowledgement leaves you, your muscles aching with tiredness from how hard you’ve held yourself.

“That’s good, that’s really good baby. I want you to listen to me, okay? Listen to what I say and then do it for me. I want you to try and breathe in, take a big breath. Really big, come on, do it with me,” You hear him inhale loudly and you try to follow, the shakiness overtaking. “And now it let out. Nice and slow, come on. Do it again.”

He continues on encouraging you through it, his deep voice that you’ve fallen so deeply for so soothing and reassuring. It almost makes you want to cry just hearing it, but you listen to what he says. Closing your own eyes and simply focusing on inhaling and exhaling, pushing all the negativity away until all that’s left is breathing.

Finally, after what feels like an hour, you realise that your breaths are jerky but almost stable. Deep breathes in and out help your body to relax itself, muscles releasing while the demons of depression and anxiety take a step back in your mind. They’re still there, you can feel them hovering over the edges, but you feel like you can cope again.

Wiping at your face once more, you sniff and almost burst into tears again when you realise how utterly pathetic you feel. How stupid you are to fall apart like that over a job rejection of all things. And those demons inch forward, whispering into the fragile parts of you.

“Y/N, are you with me? Are you okay?” Leaning your head back against the railing, you nod quietly before remembering he’s not actually there. The first time you try to speak, your voice is croaky and what sounds like a bubble pops in your throat.

The second time works though. “I’m here. I’m...Hobi...I just...I can’t.”

Perhaps unsurprisingly, the words cause you to start crying once more. But this time, there’s none of the panic and fear behind them. These tears are blazingly hot, your skin prickling from the salt of them while your head pounds from the previous crying and emotional ride you’d just gone through.

This time, your tears were because you simply wanted him there. You wanted to just bury yourself in his arms and try to forget what had happened.

“Okay, okay. I don’t know what’s wrong, but do you think you can go back to work? Or do you need to come home?” The very idea of going back into the office, sitting at your desk and doing all the mindless jobs that you loathe and despise with every fibre of your being fills you with a surge of feelings that makes you gasp in pain, head shaking rapidly.

You can’t, not today. You can’t go back to that, you can’t go back to the thoughts that this is going to be your life. That this is all you’ll ever be. All you’ll ever be worth. That you’ll never be good enough for anything.

“No.” It’s whimpered out, so soft and quiet but carrying a level of pain that you can’t even begin to properly explain to him. He understands though, a quiet sigh of his own as he obviously considers what to do.

“Okay...go in and ask them if you can take the rest of the day off. Tell them you’re ill. That you’ve been throwing up or something, whatever it takes. Are you okay to drive? Or do you want me to come get you?” Glancing over at your car, the Hyundai your dad had helped you to buy that was a dream compared to your previous car, you chew on your lip as you wipe at your face.

“I can drive. I can drive, it’s not far.”

“Good. Go home and rest. I’ll be home when I can. Do you want to talk about whatever just happened when I do?” Looking down at the ground, you consider it before sniffling quietly.

“Yeah. I think I should.” Your voice cracks on the last word, yet more tears filling your eyes as your lip trembles dangerously. The thought of telling him is terrifying, but you feel like you’ve gone too far down this dark road now. And you don’t want to walk down it alone anymore, not when what you’re finding is so terrifying and scary.

“Okay. I’ll see you at home then.”

It was surprisingly easy to get your boss to let you go home early, easier than you thought it would have been. But maybe you looked a little worse than someone who had been throwing up, given the puffiness of your eyes and the overall haggard appearance you’d managed to take on. You didn’t look well, which worked in your favour in terms of being able to go home.

But you didn’t look well because you weren’t well. And you knew this.

As soon as you got home, you’d practically torn off your clothes before slipping on a well worn pair of soft grey leggings and a fuzzy sweatshirt, the material so soft on your body. It’s approaching the end of November and you revel in the warmth it offers you, curling on the couch into a tight ball with your head buried into the velvety Pusheen pillow that Hoseok had bought you a few weeks ago.

The soft padding of tiny paws on the wood floor alerts you to an incoming presence and you smile tiredly when Kasumi jumps up onto the couch with you, chirping at you quietly before butting her head against yours. Gently, you stroke at her fur and sigh as she settles, her head buried firmly into your neck and her small body vibrating as she purrs away happily.

“Are you happy my little purrbaby? Yeah?” You whisper to her, running your thumb over her silken ears before pressing your nose against her sleek fur. “My favourite little girl, aren’t you? A purry baby.”

The next few minutes consist of you just muttering nonsense to her as usual, your hand stroking automatically as you revel in the solid warmth of her against you. She remains where she is, paws flexing open and closed as the she pads at your chest and you can’t help the tiny smile that escapes as she does so.

“I love you, yes I do.” Maybe it’s a sign of how bad of a person you are that the only person you feel even remotely comfortable saying that to is your own cat. A cat who can’t answer back. Though maybe that’s the point. She relies on you for survival, therefore her love is a given.

Other’s though?

Her ears twitch suddenly and her eyes widen, that familiar look of alarm taking over her feline features and causing her to jerk upright. Frowning, you coo to her before realising you can hear the door opening.

A quick glance at the clock tells you that it’s not even 2pm and your brow creases in confusion. You go to question whoever it is, only he appears from the hallway into the room and your throat tightens immediately.

Hoseok isn’t wearing a fancy suit this time, instead just a pair of black jeans with a black button-up, his socks a contrast in white. His work had since changed their dress code policy to smart-casual, hence his jeans. But he wasn’t supposed to finish until 5pm.

“Why are you here?” Your words aren’t nearly as solid as you intended them to be, the sounds shaky and he lets out a tiny sigh.

“You really think I was gonna stay at work for the next few hours after my girlfriend, who hates using the phone, calls me and all I can hear is hyperventilating and crying? And then she’s so not okay that she actually goes home? No way. I’m gonna work the time back later but I felt that you shouldn’t be alone right now.” He makes it all sound so simple, like there wasn’t even a question in his mind about what he’d do.

It chips away at something inside you, a chink in the solid wall of protection you’d built over the years that held back all your deepest and darkest fears and concerns from others. And in an instant, that wall shatters in a tsunami of emotion.

Lips trembling violently while your vision blurs from the tears filling it, you simply open your arms to him and whimper out his name in a tone so broken and lost that it almost makes Hoseok cry just hearing it. Not that you know that, nor can you see the way his face crumples for a moment at seeing you break so quickly.

You don’t see because the tears block your vision of him, but you feel it when he sits on the couch next to you and wraps you in his arms. Without a word, you squeeze your arms around him so tightly, as if you were afraid that if you let go then he’d vanish.

And you let yourself break in the comfort of his embrace, in the safety of presence and the reassurance of his stability. A horrible sound of pure agony escapes your throat, dragged from the deepest depths and a part of you is surprised at it. At how much pain it encapsulates.

Once you start though, you can’t stop and you simply cry into Hoseok’s arms, letting yourself go in a way that you never have before. Exposing your vulnerabilities and all the jagged points of pain inside your psyche that you’d kept hidden for so long, afraid that no one would care or would see them as a sign of weakness if you let them out.

Hoseok doesn’t judge you though, he doesn’t complain or sigh in annoyance. Instead, he spends the next ten minutes simply hugging you so tightly to him, his hands stroking your back in long movements that soothe you and reassure you that he’s here, that he cares. Vaguely, you recognise him whispering things to you but you don’t put enough thought into what he’s saying.

The earlier breakdown you’d suffered had been frightening and painful; the fear of not understanding what was happening properly combining with the gaping hole of self-hatred and feelings of inadequacy. This didn’t feel like a breakdown though. It felt cathartic almost, like each sob that escaped you, each tear that wet Hoseok’s shirt was another weight being lifted off your mind and shoulders.

By the time you finally calm down enough until the tears are silent and the only noise you make is the hiccuped breathing of someone who’s cried so hard their throat and eyes hurt, you feel almost relaxed. Maybe crying was a good thing sometimes, but you knew that it was because you’d come to terms with the fact that you had to talk about your issues and most importantly, you had to reach out to others for help.

Now the room is completely quiet, only broken by the occasional sniffle from you. You’d expected him to start asking questions immediately but he doesn’t, instead just holding you in a protective embrace while you calm down.

Oddly, it makes you feel a little better that he doesn’t freak out or pepper you with questions. His reassuring presence helps to calm your frayed nerves and you find yourself playing with one of the buttons on his shirt, bottom lip pouting out as you realise his shirt is plastered to his chest from your tears.

“I’m sorry about your shirt.” You whisper, voice hoarse and low. There’s no response for a second before he lets out a breathy laugh, warm lips pressing to your hairline affectionately.

“That’s fine. It’s just a shirt,” Hoseok pauses, shifting to hug you in a more comfortable position on the couch. “Do you want to talk about it?”

The way he leaves the question open for you lets you know that he’s giving you an out, a way to turn him down. You know he wouldn’t be particularly happy if you didn’t talk about what had caused you to have such a breakdown, but he would acknowledge your decision.

“I just...I got another rejection.” Fingers smooth at the wrinkles in his shirt, the text from the email running through your mind once more and you can practically feel your spirit sinking again. “I don’t know, it just...it got too much. I know it sounds really stupid and I can’t really explain it all or anything but...it was just too much. Everything has been too much lately and yet I just feel so empty and uncaring.”

Hoseok doesn’t interrupt you, letting you spill out your inner thoughts to him, even if they don’t make a lot of sense.

“I’ve been...I mean...lately I...I’m not...I’m not okay.” Your voice wavers dangerously, lip trembling and you tighten your hand on the fabric of his shirt. “I just feel...I can’t...I can’t, I just can’t. I don’t feel like I can do this anymore, it’s just so hard. So hard to get up and go to work when I hate my fucking job. It’s like my mind is dying every second in there and my soul is shrivelling up too. But I’m not good enough to get out and I’ll never get out and all I can think is...is this it? Is this going to be my life? Is this all I’ll ever do? Is this all I’ll ever be worth? Is this all I’ll do? And the thought of this being all I do for the rest of my life is...I mean...I just...I can’t Hoseok. I can’t, I can’t do it. I don’t even want to wake up if I have to do this forever.”

The words are rushed from you, blurring together as you feel the deep hysteria and panic rising within you once more. Hands clenching his shirt are shaking while your breath is coming a little faster again and your poor, swollen eyes are stinging from the heat of yet more tears. You’d have thought you had none left to cry.

“It’s like everything is weighing me down, all of it. My job, my lack of career, my finances and just me as a person. It’s all building in my head and I just...I can’t. But at the same time I feel nothing inside. I wake up and wonder why I’m bothering to get up because I have nothing to do, I can’t focus on shows or games or books. I’m lethargic and unhappy and the idea of going out just makes me want to cry. I drove home from the store the other day and the entire time I felt like there was a hive of bees in my stomach, all angry and my heart was racing. I didn’t even know what I was anxious about! That’s not normal and it happens all the time. I’ve tried, for you and my parents and friends but it always comes back. I can’t do it anymore, I can’t.” You’re not entirely sure what you can’t do, but you say it so forcefully that Hoseok simply nods.

He doesn’t speak at first, contemplating what to say and trying to remember what his therapist had discussed with him all those years ago when he’d gone. It was hard, because obviously your case wasn’t like his. But he wanted to help, or at least try and guide you in the right direction. Because you were reaching out, and he wanted to be the one to hold you steady while you fought your way out of the darkness.

“How long have you been feeling like this? I’ve noticed you pulling away recently, I didn’t want to push you on it though.” Hoseok admits, his voice soothing as he runs a thumb along your cheek, wiping your tears away.

Almost childishly, you shrug. “I don’t know. It comes and goes. I always...I hate doing things that make me happy or excited because I always crash after. And the longer my happiness goes on, the harder and further I crash after. It’s like my mind can’t cope with just...being...normal.”

Hoseok shakes his head firmly then, pulling back slightly to get you to look at him. His eyes are worried and his expression is concerned, but you can tell he’s determined. You can also tell that you’ve just said something that he disagrees with.

“Don’t call yourself not normal. At the risk of sounding like some lame quote from the early 2010s, there’s no such thing as normal. You’re just...you’re not okay right now. I think we can both tell that. And there’s nothing wrong with not being okay. There’s nothing wrong with admitting you’re having mental health problems and I hope you won’t be angry with me for saying it but...this...today...baby I think you need to see a doctor or something. I can’t tell you what will help because I don’t know, and I don’t want to mess it up. But you have to want to get help.”

Looking down at your hands, you sniff quietly as you contemplate what he’s said. As per usual, he’s said it sweetly and in a way that isn’t offensive. The very idea of admitting that you had mental health issues made you quail inside, wanting to tell him that he was wrong and you were fine.

But he wasn’t wrong...and you weren’t fine.

“What if they don’t believe me? Or tell me it’s just in my head? Or that I’m just sad or something? And what if work finds out and they get angry at me? People will tell me I’m just faking it or something, looking for attention.” The stereotypes slip from your lips without you realising it but you’re worried.

Despite the push for being more open around mental health lately, you know that people still don’t view it positively. That admitting depression or anxiety can often come with an eye roll or an exasperated sigh. You knew how it went, you weren’t depressed you were just tired or weren’t willing to put in effort and so forth.

But you knew it wasn’t that. It couldn’t be, not when it felt so real and strong.

“Sweetheart, if they think at your work then fuck them. You already hate that place and you’re looking for something new. Don’t let them get to you, you are more important than anyone there. And if they want to act like shit around something as serious as this, then they don’t deserve you. Your doctor should listen, and if they don’t then make them listen. They’re there for you, not the other way around. It’s in your head purely because it’s your mental health and it can be helped. I won’t lie, it’s probably not gonna get cured. But you’ll find ways to cope. And I’ll be here for you. So will your parents and your friends. We care for you and we want you to be okay.” He rubs at your arms then, his touch warm even through the soft material of your sweater.

“I’ve watched you draw into yourself and it’s worried me for a while now. But if you’re willing to reach out to me at your lowest, which I’m going to assume that breakdown was your lowest, then I think you want help. I can’t make it go away, but I can help support you while you get your feet back under you. Will you consider going to the doctor? Please?”

Pushing your head into his neck harder, you sniff hard and pushing the sleeves of your sweater past your hands. Your heart races at the thought of discussing your personal issues with someone you don’t know, but you know Hoseok is right. You need help, you need to reach out.

Swallowing hard, you realise that you need to do what he’s suggesting. You don’t want to get back to that point where you realised you didn’t care if you lived or died anymore. Because you wanted your life to get better. You just didn’t have the tools to pull yourself out of the swamp.

“Okay. I’ll go.” His body relaxes imperceptibly at your agreement and you feel bad, realising how worried he must have been for you. But that worry vanishes when he tilts your head up to his, a sweet smile on his face before he kisses you gently.

“Good. You won’t regret it, I swear. And thank you. For trusting me enough to call me when you were afraid and for telling me now. I want to try and help you anyway I can. I know what it’s like to feel very lost and afraid. I just got angry at the world though. So...please talk to me when you’re not feeling okay, even if you think I’m going to be annoyed or can’t be bothered. Because I’d rather you talk and vent to me than do something else.” And suddenly, you realise he’s got tears in his own eyes.

Reluctant tears you can tell, the way he gives a small smile that’s forced, his dimples showing but no real happiness behind it. Swallowing, your own smile wobbles too as you realise that he must have been so worried.

“I will. I swear. I swear.” His lips press to your forehead, resting there long after he’s finished his kiss and you simply embrace it, absorbing his deep feelings to you that you can tell he has even though he doesn’t say a word. Unsurprising really, because you feel all the positive and warm feelings you have towards him blossoming through the hollowness in your chest.

He’s not going to fix you and you both know that. But you’re surprised to realise that you don’t want him to either. That this is something you have to start yourself. For your own peace of mind but also so that you don’t become reliant on him while pressuring Hoseok with something as precarious as your mental health.

You’ve reached out for help finally, and now you just need to accept the help you’re given in turn.

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lee-jinkis-ponytail · 4 years ago

Note

Hi!! I’m sorry if this makes you uncomfortable and please just ignore me if it does!! But I just saw your post mentioning how a lot of shawols have ptsd from what’s happened and I just wanted to idk talk about it? Because with everything going on lately, it’s made me really wonder if I could have ptsd from everything that’s happened with SHINee. But then I feel like a fraud and like I’m just being dramatic, because it technically didn’t really happen to me, you know? Like I’m just a fan. And seeing your post made feel so much better about feeling this way, but I still feel like such an imposter about it? Idk I’m sorry, I guess I just wanted to say thank you because I feel like your one simple post just validated how I’ve felt the last ~3 years 💙

Hi! Please don’t be sorry, I appreciate you reaching out and I’m happy to know that the post comforted you!

Trigger warning for anyone else reading this post: I will be talking about Dec. 2017 a little bit, and of course trauma and suicide. I’ll put a read more in.

And anon, I apologize for the incoming essay! I’ll try my best to keep it succinct:

I want to preface my response by saying that I’m brand new to the fandom. I just got into K-pop in 2019, and didn’t even discover SHINee until the DCM comeback around Jan./Feb. this year. I wasn’t a part of the fandom in Dec. 2017, so I can’t speak to how it felt to be a Shawol who actually went through that loss in the moment that it happened.

I also want to emphasize that I’m *not a mental health expert, nor am I diagnosed with any form of PTSD*. If you’re wondering whether you should seek an assessment/diagnosis, then I can only recommend seeing a professional because that’s not something I can give. I’m speaking about all this based on personal experience with suicide, celebrity deaths, and trauma in general.

So.

Like I said, I wasn’t in the fandom in 2017. But I have been shaken by celebrity deaths before. The actor Anton Yelchin comes to mind as one that really left me feeling sort of traumatized. I always felt strangely proud of him in every film he made--like he was my own friend, even though he wasn’t.

Mourning celebrities does feel kind of weird, right? You don’t really know them and they likely don’t even know you exist.

So then why do some celebrity deaths affect us so much, as if we knew them personally?

I think a lot of the time it has to do with the celebrities’ art. I mean, isn’t one of the big reasons we make art to connect with complete strangers?

And I believe Jonghyun really wanted to build that connection with his fans more than anything.

Even as a “Babywol,” who’s gone back and watched his performances and variety show appearances and interviews, I feel his absence all the time in SHINee’s current work. He was such a big personality, funny and kind and talented. And even if you never had the chance to meet him, it is still absolutely possible to feel a connection to him--because he left the door open for such a connection to be made, in his open and honest lyrics, his radio talks, and his advocacy work. He played a big part in his fans’ lives, and he was a role model and inspiration to so many people.

Of course losing someone like that would be enough to rattle anyone, and I do think it’s completely reasonable to assume that the fandom collectively feel traumatized after going through that. I mean, damn, the love in Shawol is intense--not in an idol-worship kind of way really (okay, maybe sometimes we stan the guys pretty hard lol), but everyone just fucking genuinely loves each other here. Everyone in the band and every single fan I’ve met so far is so sincere and positive and heartfelt with one another. It’s my favorite thing about this fandom.

So sure, maybe you aren’t one of Jonghyun’s friends or family members, but grief isn’t a competition, y’know? You say it “didn’t happen to you,” but it kinda did, even if you weren’t directly there. As “just a fan,” you still experienced that love and loss, and you can absolutely mourn too. It can be so hard to lose someone whose art affected you so much.

And I think it’s important to acknowledge that the circumstances under which he passed are just naturally traumatizing. As someone who has lost a loved one that way, I’m constantly on edge now, hypervigilant for signs of depression and self-harm in any of my other friends and family.

So of course, everything going on now with the whole UMJ/SM debacle, suddenly cancelling Taemin’s fan-meet with a vague message about a “serious situation”... I think that’s that same hypervigilance kicking in across the fandom. Of course we’d all assume the worst. I’m so ticked at the labels for leaving everyone hanging like this.

Anyway thank you again for your kind message. I am so sorry to you and to all of the Shawols who were there in December 2017, but I hope the artwork Jonghyun left behind brings you all comfort. I miss him too. And I am sure Taemin is okay!

Sending virtual hugs. 💙

#shinee #tw: suicide #december 2017 #jonghyun #tw: depression #tw: ptsd #ptsd #shawol #taemin #sm entertainment #asks #long post #kim jonghyun #anon #lee taemin

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that-good-trash · 4 years ago

Text

Please Don’t Go

Bakugou x reader / Kirishima x reader

Warnings: Mentions of suicide, self harm, angst, heartbreak

Word count: 8.3K

Summary: Sometimes things happen that you wish you could change,fix, but you can’t. Instead you are left suffering with broken pieces and suffering worse than you’ve ever dealt with. The person you wish was helping you keeps hurting you while the person you didn’t know you needed is holding you together.

Comment: I just really like angst since it seems to be the only thing I can write recently. I guess I’m kinda stuck in a sad rut myself. I hope you all enjoy it.

PS. Also thank you all for 100 followers! I love all of you and you all matter!

*********************************

“It is 3 in THE GOD DAMN MORNING, WHAT THE HELL COULD YOU POSSIBLY WANT FROM ME!”

“Morning Katsu, have you ever thought about the stars and how they always exist but we can only see them at night.”

“…”

“Katsu…”

The sound of a single click could be heard. You stare at your phone for a moment knowing that he had hung up on you. You sigh laying your head back down on your pillow. You knew that you should have told him the real reason you had called but couldn’t find the strength to do so. Your ‘boyfriend’ if you could actually call him wasn’t the type to listen to your nonsense. You didn’t mean to beat around the bush, you wanted to get to the point when it came to conversation. It was hard for you to tell people what was really going on inside your brain. Bakugou Katsuki had a way of letting you know when he was irritated with your run around way of speaking.

You can’t fall asleep because of the thoughts swirling around in your head. You had the pressure of millions of gallons of water on your chest and head. You wondered if this is what a submarine feels as it dives deeper into the darkness of the ocean. Your eyes were still red and hadn’t gotten a chance to fully dry. Crying was something that you tended to do a lot prior to recent events that lead to your current state. Now your tears hurt more than usual. You couldn’t figure out if they hurt because you had been rubbing your eyes frantically or because of the circumstance in which they were there to begin with. A sniffle followed by the sound of your own choked sob breaks the silence of the room. Your crying again, alone. You alone crying holding so much pain and loss.

***********

“Y/n will not be in class today, again.”

My Aizawa gave class 1A the heads up before turning back toward the board to talk about today’s itinerary. The class wouldn’t have had any reason to worry had this been the first absence. However, this was absence number three and you hadn’t answered anyone’s calls or texts. Actually, the only person who has actually claimed to have seen you was their teacher. No one had seen or heard from you in the days you had been missing. Over the weekend you had left the dorms to return to your actual home because of reasons that escaped everyone’s knowledge and you hadn’t returned yet. It was beginning to worry everyone especially those that had grown to fond and close to you. Midoriya was twiddling with his fingers and mumbling words of worry under his breath. Your name had passed through everyone’s lips as they questioned your lack of presence in school.

“Hey Bakugou, what’s going on with Y/n?”

Kaminari, whose voice is lacking its usual cheer, chimes in behind the angry blonde. Bakugou growls in response but doesn’t actually say anything. Kaminari puts his tray of food down on the table next to Kirishima who looks a mix between angry and tired. Before Kaminari had walked up Kirishima had been trying to get information out of Bakugou as well. Bakugou had snapped at the red head that he ‘DIDN’T KNOW SHIT’. Kirishima was having a hard time believing his best friend but at the same time he knew how little Bakugou actually tried to be in your life so it made sense if the agitated boy was telling the truth.

“Dude, for real though, Y/n has missed a lot of school. I hope she’s okay.”

Kaminari was just trying to give his honest feelings but that didn’t sit well with Bakugou who slammed his hands down in frustration. He never got the chance to speak since Mina and Sero had come to the table restating the previous concerns that everyone in class had been having. Bakugou, in a fit of anger, throws his uneaten food away before storming out of the cafeteria.

“What the heck crawled up his ass and died.” Sero looks at Mina who spoke up with her own irritation. She and you were really close. She loved you like you were her own sibling and wanted so badly for you to answer her messages. She was not as understanding as the boys in the squad and found Bakugou’s behavior childish. She sits down with a sigh trying to calm herself down. Sero squeezes her shoulder reassuringly.

**********

While, your concerned classmates continued their school day, you laid on the couch of your empty home. The only thing keeping you from breaking down for the hundredth time was the purring cat curled up against your lap. Your fingers trailed along her fur as the familiar warmth tried to keep you stable. Your mother had told you, before she left to work, that you couldn’t miss any more days of school and tomorrow you would return to the loud energetic halls of UA. Just the idea of going back in this state made you sick to your stomach. You have to swallow down the acid rising out of your throat.

As you lay on the couch your phone chimes again. They are a persistent class but you are spiraling into a hard depression. You already struggle with depression but never made it obvious so people wouldn’t be bothered or feel like they have to ‘help’ you. Now you were gone, in a world different from everyone else. You had wondered if you had the fare if you would find the ferrymen Charon and request, he take you away. You’d rather be whisked away by a mythological Grim then face another day with this horrible pain. You had never felt more alone than you did now. You didn’t care about the messages that came to your cellphone because none of them were from the person you needed it to be from. You let your eyes close and the moment that brought you to these horrid thoughts and feelings beginnings replaying.

**************

“Hey mom I was just about to go watch a movie with some classmates, what’s up.” You hadn’t expected a call from your mother. She usually just texted you. A call meant something serious usually so you were already on edge before her words put you over the edge.

“You need to come home.” Those are never good words unless they come from a parent who just misses her child which definitely wasn’t your mother.

“What? Why?”

“Something has happened, I’d rather tell you in person.”

You had never heard you mother sound so blank and yet had concern laced in her voice. You had grown worried with what could have had happened. You would never had imagined what really did transpire. You had left the dorms with permission from Aizawa seeing as it was already late. You heart was racing as you said goodbye to your friends before leaving. The way home felt longer than usual but you eventually made it home. Your mother and you sat in silence for ages before she told you. No beating around the bush, she was always blunt and straight to the point.

“Your friend from middle school, F/n. She’s dead.”

The words hadn’t even settled into your mind before the tears came rushing out of your eyes. Your own body reacted before you could. This was something you fought mentally. There was no way that she was dead. You couldn’t imagine her gone. This was all wrong and you were waiting for your mother to admit this was some sort of sick joke. It wasn’t a joke and she wasn’t laughing. She looked sad, not for the death but for her daughter. She was feeling sadness for you. You shook your head over and over but she nodded to reassure you this was real life. You had indeed lost your middle school best friend. Your mother went on to hand you a box of tissues before giving you the more gruesome parts of the story.

“Your friend didn’t just die. She killed herself. She had gashes going up her arms from a knife that was found near her bathtub. She had used her quirk to weigh her body under the water and essentially, she drown herself before she could bleed to death. Her mother found her and was announced DOA. I’m sorry Y/n. I realize this is more than you’d like to hear but it is good to help you understand that she was sick. I told you this before that she…”

The words your mother spoke faded away. You couldn’t hear her over the sound of your screams that had begun to come out of your mouth. Your body shook violently and you ran to the bathroom to throw up. The taste of tears and bile lingered on your tongue long after you had stopped vomiting. Your mother brought you water and a towel as you sat on the bathroom floor. You kept picturing your dead friend with blood down her arms and water surrounding her. Had she cried? Did it hurt. Why the hell didn’t she reach out to you. You know you couldn’t say those things because middle school held you both together. You struggled with your physic and social anxiety while she struggled with everything about herself. You both were each other’s rock. You always complimented her and she beat up your bullies. After middle school you had gone to UA and she didn’t make the cut. You cried but she smiled and told you everything would be okay. Now she was dead and you couldn’t breathe. You mother was now on the floor holding you trying to get you to use your lungs which were betraying you. You just kept thinking about her bleeding to death in a hot bath while drowning at the same time. You had always expected to go to her graduation or her wedding one day, not her funeral. What didn’t help this situation was you had no one to talk to about her because she was a loner. You were alone with this pain even though you knew you had people you could seek comfort from. You didn’t feel like you deserved comfort while your former best friend was lying in a cold box at the hospital. You eventually had fallen asleep on the floor and your mother attempted to carry you to your bed. You woke up to the feeling of all the emotions hitting you all at once. As another panic attack came you reached for your phone hoping that your boyfriend had messaged asking if you were okay. He hadn’t. He hadn’t messaged at all. You called despite the time being close to two in the morning. After six rings he answered.

“ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS, I’M TRYING TO SLEEP. WHATEVER IT IS CAN FUCKING WAIT.”

You didn’t even get the chance to respond before he hung up leaving you in a worse broken lonely state. This news, this night had begun your spiral that lead to your current state of barely existing on your couch waiting for any form of death to take you.

***********

“Are you fucking serious!!!” Kirishima was yelling uncharacteristically at his best friend who was now wide eyed at the red heads lashing.

“You really haven’t tried talking to her? What kind of boyfriend, HELL what kind of friend does that? You told me she called you the nights he went home. Why the hell didn’t you let her speak!”

“MIND YOUR OWN FUCKING BUSINESS!”

Bakugou was now pissed, his quirk activating to prove just how upset he is. Kirishima doesn’t flinch when the first blast hits him. He’s already was one step ahead being used to having to use his quirk to defend against his friend’s attacks. He wasn’t going to hit back but found himself grabbing Bakugou’s wrist and throwing his arm down telling him to stop. Bakugou doesn’t like that and goes to attack once more but doesn’t get a chance before Kirishima’s fist makes contact with his face sending him backward with scrapes against his cheek due to the first having been hardened.

“You’re a lot of things Bakugou but I didn’t know you were so fucking heartless man. Y/n needs someone and you have chosen to ignore her. It doesn’t matter if she called you at ungodly times, she deserves your attention and respect.”

Bakugou is left with Kirishima’s words and disappointed look. Kirishima isn’t going to stand around. He had gotten your address from Mina who begged him to let her know how you were doing. She was too afraid to see you in case you were avoiding everyone on purpose. Kirishima was going to see you no matter what because that is the manly hero thing to do, hell that’s just the right thing to do.

***********

Your front door had never looked so menacing till Kirishima felt like he was intruding and felt panicked that he might have crossed a line. He had to shake the thoughts away, he couldn’t run away now. He was already here and he needed to make sure you were okay. A deep breath in and a knock on the door. He waited before knocking again. You opened your eyes and for a moment you thought that maybe Bakugou came over. Only a few select people knew your address and you knew it wasn’t going to be Mina or Midoriya since they had texting you telling you they’d give you space and not come by without your permission. That left one option. You threw open the door with tears already clouding your vision. It wasn’t what you expected or wanted; it was what you needed. Kirishima couldn’t even speak when he looked at you. His chest tightened and he wanted to cry. Your face had gotten thinner and you had bags under your eyes that were darker than Mr. Aizawa’s. Your hair was messy and your clothing was obviously pajamas. Your eyes were blood shot and he could see scratch marks all over your arms from your panic attacks. Kirishima wanted to do and say so many things in the moment but instead he did the one thing he thought you needed. He opened his arms and gave you a look of comfort. A sob escapes your lips as you run into Kirishima’s arms. You clung to him like he was the only thing keeping you from falling into the darkness, and maybe he was. Your tears soaked his shirt but he didn’t scold you like Bakugou would have. Bakugou was weak to tears he hated them, while Kirishima wasn’t weak to them, he was standing here crying with you. He was sharing your sadness when he didn’t even know why you were sad. His arms held you tightly afraid that if he lets go your collapse. He waits till you’re ready to pull away. Eventually the tears run dry and you’re just standing there engulfed in Kirishima’s warmth. His body feels safe and you are thankful for his presence. You shuffle backward slightly causing his hold to loosen to let you move away.

“Would you like to come inside?”

You would have started with asking him why he was here but that was a stupid question. Anyone would be worried if their friend was MIA for almost five days. Kirishima smiles and your heart beats. You almost forgot that you had one of those. You walk inside and Kirishima shyly follows after you. He looks around the living room while standing in your doorway. It seems cold but he can’t decipher if that’s due to actual temperature or because he can tell this is where you’ve spent a lot of your time crying. Tissues and a garbage can sit next to the couch which has two large blankets thrown over the side of it. There is a golden-brown furred cat stretching out before curling back into the abandoned warm spot left by you.

“Shoes.”

“What?”

Kirishima had been so focused on assessing his surroundings he hadn’t caught the first half of your words.

“You gotta take off your shoes.”

Duh, shoes. Kirishima wasn’t ill-mannered but in a situation where he is in an unfamiliar place with someone, he is very worried about he forgets the simplest things like removing your shoes. Once his shoes are off and guest slippers on his feet, he makes his way over to your side. You’ve now sat down on the couch pulling a large blanket over your shoulders while your fingers brush along the content looking cats’ fur. Kirishima doesn’t want to intrude so he chooses to stand, he waits for the right moment to ask why you are in such a state of disarray. He doesn’t want to be the one that speaks first. The silence is very heartbreaking since he knew that you, even when shy, were very charismatic. You always shined when you spoke about things you cared about. You also had a hidden spit fire personality that he was lucky enough to have witnessed a few times.

While waiting for you to speak he realizes that your head has dropped down more and he can hear the slightest hiccupping coming from you. He doesn’t hesitate to sit down and wrap an arm around your blanketed shoulder. He pulls you closer to himself letting your head hit his chest while his hand moves comforting circling into your arm. The blanket is thick but it doesn’t completely prevent you from feeling the gesture. You are torn between enjoying this and crying even harder. He is so patient with you and that makes your crying worsen since this wasn’t who you wanted to see which made you regret wanting Bakugou. Kirishima was always a good guy but now you had him holding you while you sobbed. Now he was the ultimate good guy, someone who has reached the highest level, a god tier of good.

“Kirishima, why are you here?”

You had originally avoided asking the stupid question but you had to. You had to know why Kirishima was wasting his time on you, even if he would tell you that you weren’t. Your words had come out broken because of your crying.

“Y/n, are you serious? I’m here because you need someone. You have missed class for three days causing everyone to go into a worried frenzy. I couldn’t take leaving you alone when I know that you are the kind to separate yourself from everyone to suffer alone. I’m here for you, to be here for whatever reason you need.”

You had begun crying worse because of Kirishima’s words. His eyes widen before he begins to internally panicking. He pulls away from you before gripping your shoulders and looking into your tear-filled eyes.

“Y/n did I say something wrong. I just don’t want you to be in pain because of me. I’d never come here with the intention of causing you more issues.”

You didn’t mean for it to happen but a laugh escapes your lips. You can’t help your sobs turning into giggles because Kirishima truly looked like he had hurt you. He looks even more concerned. You have to shake your head to try and prevent him from beating himself over your newfound insanity.

“No Kiri, you didn’t say anything wrong. You actually said what I needed to hear. I need someone with me right now but I also wanted to suffer alone. I caused myself more pain and anxiety by forcing myself to choose between isolation and comfort. You went ahead and made that decision for me. I’m crying because of your kindness and laughing because you honestly think you had done something wrong when you have never done anything bad to me. If anything, I noticed that whenever I need someone or something you are there to help or comfort me.”

Kirishima was relieved to hear that he hadn’t done anything to upset you. He would have kicked his own ass for hurting you since that was unmanly. Your laughter had made him confused but your explanation cleared it up. He now didn’t look confused but instead had a slight smile. He wasn’t happy but content. It was nice to be something you needed. A deep inner part of himself cursed Bakugou for not being here for you. However, another deep part of him was glad that it was him instead that was here with you. He knew how Bakugou was with emotions and tears, he didn’t do well with them. You were better off with Kirishima. This was a thought you both had shared without letting the other know.

While Kirishima is lost in thought about how to ask you what’s been troubling you, your body shifts on the couch getting more comfortable against him. He blushes slightly but let’s that fade because this is no time for unrequited love or crushes. This was about the pain you were suffering through. Your eyes close as a tiny yawn can be heard. You are once again exhausted and since you hadn’t felt comfortable enough to sleep earlier you hadn’t gotten any rest. Kirishima brought a feeling of safety and warmth you hadn’t felt since even before the horrid news. While your breathing began to steady you fell asleep. Kirishima gently moved his arm around your back to hold you closer to his chest. His hand behind your back began to rub gentle circles into your side. His other hand reached up and stroked your hair. The left side of your hair had a more course feeling to it and he knew why.

He had heard the story of how Bakugou had been calm enough holding you against him while stroking your hair. Though some classmates had come back to early and witnessed Bakugou being kind. They teased him not knowing the consequence you’d suffer. Bakugou had ignited his quirk without pulling his hand away which caused your hair to burn and the side of your face to erupt into hot excruciating pain. You had cried but also tried to tell Bakugou it was okay and not his fault which was stupid. He of course loudly agreed because it wouldn’t have happened if you hadn’t been so close to him. The pain of his words was almost worse than the physical pain you had felt. You had to be rushed to recovery girl who was able to treat the burns to a certain extent. You had to shave the side of your hair to help keep the burn covered in ointment. You knew that despite his words Bakugou felt bed because every time he looked at you when he didn’t know you knew; he’d have a sad face full of regret. You’d remind him that it was okay and that you liked your hair shaved. He’d just tsk like he always did but you knew it meant something to know you didn’t blame or fear him.

Even knowing that his best friend hadn’t meant to hurt you he couldn’t help but hate him for it. Why couldn’t he just see you for the great wonder that you were. He could imagine your smile when he closed his eyes, his hand still rubbing your side. Your smile that glistened like stars, that laugh that would usual follow was interstellar. You were a celestial child too good for this world and mostly too good for Bakugou. You were suffering alone while the blonde wallowed in self-pity. Kirishima still had no idea what had happened to you but he was here no matter what it was. If you asked him to leave, he would because he cared about what you wanted. He was here for you and yet he still felt selfish. How could he pretend to know what you were going through? Except he wasn’t pretending, your exhausted demeaner and tear stained face gave away something bad had happened. He didn’t need to know why he just needed to hold you till you slept away the dark circles, till your eyes were no longer bloodshot but gleamed their gorgeous color.

“Katsuki.” The words were spoken in such a small broken voice with the slightest hint of hope. Maybe you wanted him to be someone else and maybe he would be just for you. Though Kirishima wouldn’t be him, anyone but the boy who chose training over his girlfriend. He held you tightly while using his free hand to catch a few of his own tears.

“I got you Y/n. I’m here, I’ll always be here.”

****************

“Kirishima…Kiri…Eijiro.” Kirishima smiled in his sleep, you were calling his name and he thought it was in his dream. A huge smile spread across his face while he rested. You were awake now, fully awake. When your eyes first opened you swore you were dreaming because Kirishima was holding you against himself while sleeping. You almost panicked when you realized you were awake and this was your actual classmate. You tried to pull away but his grip tightened. His hot breath against your face made you embarrassed, made your already warm body hotter.

“Y/n.” Feeling your name spoken against your ear drove you out of his grasp and onto the floor with a loud thud. The sound of you hitting the floor caught his attention, waking him up. You looked up from your spot on the ground and he looked down at you confused. Your face was red and your eyes avoid contact. A quick realization and Kirishima’s cheeks matched your own. He was quick to sit up off the couch, hands reaching down to help you up. You both looked away as you were pulled back into a standing position. You could feel your heart pounding and his hand was a little wet from sweat. He was still holding your hand. That changed when you both heard someone clear their throat. Your mom was standing in the doorway, she was obviously confused by the stranger in her living room. You pulled your hand away and looked down. Your mom wasn’t mean or judgmental, she was realistic and blunt. You expected her to comment about seeming fine or asking about your boyfriend. She remained quiet before switched shoes. She walked toward the two of you. Kirishima held out his hand after bowing in respect. “It’s nice to meet you Ms. L/n, I’m a classmate of your daughters, Eijiro Kirishima.”

“Y/n.” She shook Kirishima’s hand before looking at you. Your body was stiff. You had drifted into a painless sleep, actually got some rest, hadn’t thought about HER. Till now, you were almost numb and could breathe but looking at your mom you remembered the pain that had plagued you. Your chest was tight and you wanted the floor to swallow you up. Kirishima wasn’t dense, he felt the shift in the room. You were in excruciating mental pain when he came by earlier and now you were reverting back to that. His hand reached out grabbing yours again. Your mother looked between you both before directly at you.

“I spoke to F/n’s mom. They are having a service and I think it would be good for you to go.” Kirishima had no idea who she was talking about but the way your body stiffened before shaking this was a sensitive topic. What happened that made you like this? Your mother left you in the confused hands of the red head, who wished he had more to work with.

“Y/n… What happened.” You collapsed so fast that Kirishima almost couldn’t catch you. He was fast but not fast enough as your legs buckled and your whole top half crumbled onto the ground. Your face was red enough to match his eyes and your eyes were red enough to match his hair. You looked like a fish out of water gasping for hair while trying to find a way out of this. Desperation crossed your features. Anything was better than this pain, this loss. Your hiccupping drove Kirishima to his knees. His hands turned you gently till you were on your back. The sounds of your choked sobs, the way tears drift down your cheeks and into your splayed-out hair, the sporadic moment of your chest, it was all harrowing to witness. How could someone who always kept a smile on everyone’s face be so broken. He found himself crying with you, for you. His own tears falling onto your face before mixing in with your own and slipping down. You couldn’t stop crying even if you wanted too. You tried to speak but lacked oxygen enough to do so. Kirishima pulled your body upward holding you against him. Your chest pressed against his as he rubbed your back. He felt the wet pools against his shirt. He didn’t care that you cried on him. You hiccupped out an apology but it wasn’t necessary. You both stayed like this even as the sky outside darkened. Even when your mother yelled about dinner being ready. You still remained in Kirishima’s safe hold. He had his own dried tears and his hands never stopped soothing you. Eventually your words could slip out.

“My childhood friend committed suicide.” Kirishima stiffened. You spoke the words with so little emotion. Like you had cried away your sadness and was left numb again. He pulled you away so he could look into your bloodshot eyes. There were distant, like you were physically here but mental gone. You looked into his own bloodshot ones. He held all the sadness that you thought you lost. He held your pain for you and he had no idea what you were dealing with, he was truly empathetic. “She hurt herself and then she… she… she used her quirk to drown herself.”

The details didn’t matter because a dead girl was still a dead girl. Hell, a dead anyone was still someone who was dead and that itself was sad. The circumstances were cruel. It was like saying someone died fighting an awful fight, except they had fought themselves. A truly cruel disease depression is. Kirishima didn’t know what it felt like to want to die but he would never think less of someone who did. How could the world have such a negative sigma toward depression, maybe if it was normal then your friend would still be here. He blamed a cruel society and you blamed yourself. He realized looking at you that you felt responsible and for a moment he wished he could have told you how people are responsible for their own decisions but that wasn’t his place to comment. This wasn’t about him it was about your crumbling state of mind and your dead friend. You needed support and to hurt. This was necessary to heal.

“Tell me about her.” Your own mother wanted you to get over the pain like it hadn’t happened but here someone was, someone who owed you nothing, validating your loss wanting to know about your lonely friend. You smiled and yet the tears came back. You cried like a child who needed affection. You cried for your friend and her story. You were ready to tell him about her and you did. You spoke through sobs and Kirishima was patient. He listened to every painful part and every happy moment. He laughed at your inside jokes and cried at the painful abuse self-inflicted and household. Your friend was becoming a part of Kirishima’s thoughts as he filled it with your memories. He couldn’t believe that you were suffering alone with all this. Your own boyfriend not caring to listen or even check up on you.

“She sounds like a wonderful person and I’m so sorry that she is gone. I’m sorry that she left the way she did and I am sorry that you believe you contributed to this. Y/n, I know it won’t change anything but you didn’t do this. You can’t blame yourself or think about all the things that could have been done. Right now, you can only mourn and remember her for who she was and not who you could have made her. I didn’t know her but I know you and I don’t want to lose you because you waste away from guilt. Go to the service and say goodbye because she deserves that, but also live your life for her.” If words could truly heal people than Kirishima would have mended all these mental wounds for you. You would have smiled and thanked him but that isn’t how the real world worked. Pain, grief, any feeling between doesn’t go away with a few strong words but it does help. His words make everything more real; they make your feelings valid but also through you into a position where you have to face the truth. He isn’t wrong, you have to let blame dissipate. The thing with grieving was it takes time to help, to let go. You weren’t even half way there but you felt better knowing someone was in your court, someone hurt with you but also helped you hurt in the right way. Isolation is painful but being with him was restoration. You felt more like you now than you did hours ago.

“Would you like to stay for dinner?” The way you looked at Kirishima with shy eyes made him smile. “I’d love to.”

The two of you collected a plate of food and sat quietly at the table, Eventually Kirishima couldn’t take the quiet and started telling you about school. You weren’t opposed to the conversation especially since all you had to do was listen. He talked about things that had happened in class avoiding talking about Bakugou and how everyone was sick with worry. You laughed at a story he told about Kaminari and Mineta getting chased down by a flock of girls they spied on. You laugh was genuine, like a gentle chiming of bells. Kirishima wanted to hear more but wouldn’t force anything to soon. A knock at the door brought attention away from the meal and conversation and to the living room. Your mother wasn’t expecting guests nor were you. Fear bubbled up again. Who could it be now? Kirishima was a blessing but another classmate might upset the balance. Kirishima shared your worry as he followed you to the door. Opening it you were both shocked to find your homeroom teacher. Mr. Aizawa looked unamused as he watched Kirishima try to move out of sight. His hand thrusted out pushing the door all the way open. Kirishima looked at him with a half grin hoping he wasn’t in to much trouble. You giggled at the red heads guilty demeanor. Your attention returned to your teacher as he looked at you. The two of you shared a look. His face wasn’t hard and stoic like usual. It held a twinge of sorrow.

“I am here to receive Kirishima seeing as he left without permission and stayed out past curfew. I’m also here to give you my condolences. L/n, I’m sorry for your loss. Losing a friend is hard.” You had cried for days straight and for the first time today you didn’t cry. You nodded accepting his condolences and understand that as an adult pro hero he has dealt with a lot of loss. You thanked him in a small voice which he acknowledged with his own nod. Kirishima didn’t want to leave you, he needed to know you’d be okay. That feeling came in the form of you hugging him.

“Thank you Kirishima. I’ll see you in class tomorrow.” The smile you gave him matched the star above and he would remember it. Your still red eyes and stained cheeks were brokenly beautiful under the moonlight the slipped in through the open door. Kirishima bid you good night before you shut the door. You were exhausted and wanted to sleep. Maybe this night would be peaceful, you could only hope. With less pain in your chest you put away the food, turned off the lights, and headed to bed.

Elsewhere, heading back to the dorms Kirishima kept thinking about you. Aizawa stood next to him as the walked back to the large building. Kirishima turned to his teacher finally curious on how he knew that he had been at your house.

“Mr. Aizawa. How did you know that I was at Y/n’s?”

“Bakugou told me.” When the doors opened to the common room of the dorm building Kirishima made direct eye contact with a conflicted Bakugou. He looked furious and concerned. His fist clenched with intent to harm, or maybe to prevent himself from wanting to do so. Mr. Aizawa left the two boys alone reminding them they needed to go to bed. Bakugou never acknowledged their teacher, while Kirishima let out a quick yeah. Once they were alone Bakugou stepped forward. Kirishima watched his friend with caution. He waited for an explosion or yelling that never came. Instead he sighed, unclenching his fist. He looked at Kirishima with a look the red head had never seen before, remorse.

“How is she?” Kirishima could feel the tables turn. He wanted to be anger, to tell his friend to fuck off because he had the chance to find out but didn’t. He wanted to be aggressive and anger but it wasn’t in his blood. He had to let that anger disappear and be replaced with weariness.

“How is she? She’s tired bro. She’s dealing with stuff that someone shouldn’t have to deal with alone and yet she has been. She’s a fucking wreck!” He couldn’t suppress all the anger. He hadn’t meant to yell but it was needed. He couldn’t understand why Bakugou had just let you waste away on your own. How could anyone do that to the person they loved. He would have never let you go this long suffering alone. “She lost someone close to her. Y/n’s leaving a nightmare, becoming friends with demons of blame. She needed you!”

“She didn’t need me.” Kirishima slammed his hardened fist into the wall not caring about the damage he caused. The sound made Bakugou flinch and lift his hand as an act of defense in case he would get hit next. When he looked at his friend, Bakugou expected to see extreme detestation. Instead he was wide eyed while staring at Kirishima crying. Tears came down the mixed emotion boy, he was struggling with how to feel. He was crying for you having to have a boyfriend who thought you didn’t need him. He cried because he would never let you go if he had you. Bakugou watched Kirishima drop his arms to his sides before leaving. He pushed his shoulder into Bakugou’s as he left toward the elevator.

“She needed you… You are just so full of yourself you won’t admit you messed up.” Kirishima didn’t even try to make his words sound powerful, even in their whispered state they hit Bakugou worse than any punch. Once he was alone in the dark room Bakugou let a tear fall. He looked down at his clenched fist. He felt pathetic. He couldn’t hate Kirishima because he was right. Pride was all that Bakugou had and he held it higher than you. He cared more about his image, about himself than you. Time and time again he hurt you and now he had truly fucked up.

“She didn’t need me when she had you. You’re better than me.” Bakugou spoke to the empty room letting more tears fall before going up to his own room. He didn’t spare Kirishima’s room a glance as he walked by. His heart hurt because he had to do something horrible to you in your already crumbling state.

******************

The morning came and you woke up with your alarm. For the first time in days you slept the whole night. You dreamt of her but it was good. You were both happy and laughing and that was okay. It was okay to think about happy times and not bad things. Negative feelings still lingered but you tried to think positively. You got ready for school and before you left you grabbed a photo of you and F/n from middle school. She was flipping off the camera while you laughed with your eyes closed. It was bittersweet. The photo was tucked away into your pocket and you left.

“Y/N!!!!” You were tackled by so many different people that you couldn’t even figure out exactly who yelled your name. Mina was holding you left side, Kaminari on your right. Midoriya was standing in front of you concerned as Uraraka hugged your front. Sero was wrapped around your back. Iida was scolding them for not giving you space. A laugh escaped and everyone awed. You were bombarded by questions; it was overwhelming and you wanted to run but then Kirishima walked into the room. He made eye contact with you and smiled. It filled you with content and confidence to be here. You heart was still heavy and everything seemed surreal but you could make it through a day. You could tell her story to everyone so more people could mourn with you. It was a plan you’d follow through after class. Bakugou walked in a saw you smiling at Momo who commented on your swollen eyes. Your smile wasn’t sad, it was something he couldn’t figure out. He looked away as you turned toward him. His hair was wild, more so than usual. His hands tucked away into his pockets. He seemed like normal Bakugou but something was wrong. He wasn’t standing as tall, metaphorically. There was less fight in him. You grew concerned but that faded to wanting. You missed him, you truly missed him. His warm arms wrapped around you protectively, the way he smelled sweet like caramel. You wanted him to look at you with the loving gaze he saved for private moments. He found himself making eye contact with you and god did he yearn to run to you. To apologize, to hold you and kiss your swollen eyes. You were his happiness; it just took him so long to realize how bad he was for you. His eyes looked away and you looked down. A large gap filled with talkative students filled the space between you both. Except there was a different gap, one that needed to be filled by talking which he was scared to do. One that only you two could see, well maybe not, maybe Kirishima could too.

*******************

“Bakugou!” He cringed at the sound of his last name which was ironic since he was the one that told you to call him it when in public. This was self-sabotage, torture he was inflicting on himself. Your voice called his name with concern. He had been avoiding you all day and after training he left first making sure you couldn’t catch up. Obviously, he was wrong. You caught up and when he stopped you were breathing heavily. He wanted to scream at himself for being such an asshole but instead he waited for you to speak.

“Um I’m sorry for bothering you with my calls. I was having a hard time but I shouldn’t have woken you up. It was selfish of me.” How could you stand there and blame yourself, apologize for something that needed no apology? He did this to you, made you feel like you were a bother, like you had wronged him. He was to blame, he wished you would yell at him, that you would cry. He hated your tears because he was weak emotionally but right now, he wanted nothing more than for you to cry and he could hold you. Except he wouldn’t he would be scared and that would turn to anger and you’d be hurt again. “Bakugou?”

“Shut up.” He had to break your heart so you could be happy. He had to hurt you so someone could heal you. Shattering glass was easy but shattering a person’s heart. That was truly fucked up. “You always apologize for shit that you didn’t do, its annoying. I know you lost some friend; I know you’ve been suffering and yet I didn’t do anything about it. I wasn’t there for you. You needed me and the fucked-up part was that I didn’t care. I left you to suffer alone, I only realized I cared when I felt guilty, after everyone shamed me for hurting you, for letting you isolate yourself. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t do this to you anymore.”

You are frozen in a moment where your friend killed herself and your boyfriend leaves you. A moment where you broken heart turns to ash. You can taste iron and realize you had bit your lip so hard it started bleeding. The weight of his words pushed down like a pallet of bricks. You were struggling to stay standing, your knees wobbled as you attempted to step forward, to reach for him. He moved just out of your reach. You were afraid of him leaving and he was afraid if you grabbed him, he would stay and do more damage. His own fire that burned in his heart felt dim. His chest was tight and he apologized to anyone he ever made fun of for having their heartbroken. This was worse than damage received during training. You tried to speak but found the same issue you had with Kirishima the day prior. The words were drowned out by hiccups. You let the streams of tears flush down your cheeks. You looked pathetic but who cared. Your heart wasn’t breaking. It was ceasing to exist.

“Please, please don’t leave me. Don’t do this Katsuki, you love me, I love you. I’ll try harder, you aren’t a problem. You don’t hurt me. I love you please don’t leave me alone again.” He could have swept you into his arms but by the time he turned to face you again someone else was on their way to do just that. Bakugou smiled sadly as Kirishima rushed forward. He didn’t want to let you go but he needed you to be loved properly and he didn’t deserve you. Little did he know what he was doing. He was destroying your already fragile state. You weren’t breaking, you were already fragments scattered at his feet. Your legs moved trying to stop him from walking away. Kirishima was faster. He wrapped an arm around you face covering your eyes with his hand. His other arms wrapped protectively around your middle. Your back was flush against his chest and you didn’t want this. You cried against the hand. Your tears smearing onto the rough appendage. Kirishima’s heart broken for you. “DON’T LEAVE ME ALONE, don’t leave me too.”

“You aren’t alone. You have him.” Bakugou walked away his own tears hidden from you but Kirishima had seen them. Kirishima swore he would protect you and love you but his own heart stopped when you yelled after Bakugou.

“I WANT YOU NOT HIM!” A sad shameful thing love is. These two boys loved you and you loved them. It was much more complicated than that. You fell back against Kirishima who was stiff, his own heart hurting. He knew that this wasn’t about his love for you but instead the pain you felt. You needed someone to catch you since you were falling. He held tightly onto you as Bakugou fought the urge to take it all back. He had heard his classmates talk about your friend and how sad you were when you told them about her. You were dealing with enough and you didn’t need him. Maybe one day if life isn’t always cruel you will find love in the form of an angry blonde again but right now you needed someone else. Someone who could put emotions away to help you with your own. Bakugou walked out of your life leaving a gap that Kirishima couldn’t fill. Your friend had left you forever but this didn’t have to be forever right? Bakugou would still be in your life. Maybe that wasn’t a good thing. You wanted to disappear. To go back to that dream where you laughed and danced with your friend. You wanted to go somewhere that boys didn’t break your heart and friends didn’t kill themselves. That place didn’t exist but you found that Kirishima’s hold would have to do for now. You clung to his arm as he whispered encouragement and apologies into your ear. His hand moved off your eyes and you grabbed it. Your fingers entangled with his as you both cried for life’s difficult decisions, for a girl who thought life was to hard to live, for a boy who destroyed his own happiness, for a red haired boy who wanted you to know how much he loved you, and you both cried for you. For you having no happy ending, just a lot of pieces that Kirishima was trying so hard to hold onto for you while other pieces broke away never to be reattached.

Sometimes life doesn’t go perfectly, sometimes people dies and they don’t come back, people break your heart and leave you with open wounds, sometimes you can’t make the pain go away. You have to learn to live with it. Maybe one day you’ll find Bakugou and he’ll tell you how much he fucked up and you’ll tell him you still love him. Or maybe one day you’ll let Kirishima give you his heart and you’ll slowly give him what’s left of yours. Though there is a possibility that you never fall for anyone again because love sucked and you had none left to give. Your friend would tell you to kick Bakugou’s ass, to get ice cream, watch a movie, break something and then you’d laugh because you’d feel better. She isn’t here. Instead it’s you sobbing into Kirishima’s arm in an empty hallway but it won’t always be this.

“I love you Y/n.”

“I know Kiri.”

“One day it won’t hurt so bad.”

“I hope so.”

#mha x reader #mha #mha imagines #mha bakugo katsuki #mha kirishima #mha angst #bnha #bnha x reader #bnha bakugou #bnha kirishima #kirishima ejirou #kirishima eijiro x reader #kirishima x reader #bakugou x reader #katsuki bakugou x reader #bnha angst

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purrincesskittens · 5 years ago

Note

Bustier Salt with Lila and Chloe redemption maybe with Caline's former students just ripping into Caline?

Lila had been exposed and it was something she wasn't happy with. She didn't get expelled but she did end up getting inhouse suspension so she couldnt miss anymore school then she already had. Ms. Bustier wasn't in charge of the suspension so Lila actually got the help she needed to get caught up to pace for her grade level. She's smart and it wasn't that difficult for her to get caught up it was more of a matter of getting her to focus and do the work. Trained professionals worked with her in and out of school to help her be able to be integrated back into society. Her mother spent time with her more often and gave her the attention she wanted so she was improving. Test groups where Lila was introduced to peers her own age showed they would take what she said with a grain of salt and were cautious but willing to be civil and friendly towards her. Unfortunately when she was to be placed back into a class Ms. Bustier somehow manipulated it so that she had Lila back in her class.

Chloe was improving separated from Sabrina who was placed in a different class Chloe was actually doing her own work. Well when she bothered turning it in anyway. Her father was no longer Mayor anymore removing the influence and power that backed her. Election time had come and gone and new term limits prevented her father from running again. Ladybug entrusting her with a different miraculous during a incredibly difficult akuma where she was running out of options worked wonders surprisingly. What Chloe didn't tell anyone was Wayzz had been willing to work with her into improving herself to be a better person. Having the miraculous of protection which did far less damage than the bee did also helped. She was improving slowly. She apologized to everyone she had ever bullied and had been forgiven by Marinette at least who was willing to try to be her friend in class. Ms. Bustier still babied her though and left it up to Marinette to chastise her when she acted up and left it up to Marinette to be a good role model for her. Unfortunately her transfer request to a different class was rejected after Ms. Bustier convinced the principal it was a better idea to keep her with her friend and role model Marinette who she said didn't want to leave her other friends in the class and had only put in her own transfer request to make Chloe feel better.

Lila shifted uncomfortably in her seat in the back Chloe and Marinette sat across from her but she could still feel the occasional glare from the others as one turned in their seat to look at her. She really wished she had been put in a different class. One that would give her a chance to show she has improved. Marinette sent her a sympathetic look. Marinette and Chloe had been the only two willing to give her a chance. Adrien had been but he was moved to a different class along with Sabrina. Ms. Bustier kept a tight grip on her students determined not to let any of the others slip through her grasp and escape to a different class.

"Okay class today we will be having some of the older students from this school and a few former students post graduates of my class come in to speak to you about your last few years of school and entering the work force. We will start with the current students and move onto my former students. Shall we begin?" Ms. Bustiers smiled as she clapped her hands gesturing to one of the older students to start. An older brunette girl stepped forward to talk about the increased workload and more difficult assignments and how to manage your time and priorities to ensure you complete everything on time and accurately. Another older boy stepped forward to talk about balancing social life with school work and making sure you don't fall into the wrong crowd which sparked a comment from Alya who still hadn't forgiven Lila and blamed her for her ruined blog. "We already know about the wrong crowd and we refuse to be a part of it. If Marinette wants to hang out with bullies so be it."

This caused both the older students and Ms. Bustiers former students to frown as Ms. Bustier completely ignored the interruption and moved them on to the next student. A familiar dark haired older boy stepped forward next causing Marinette to perk up and wave at Itsuki who gave her a small smile in return. "I'll be talking about exclusion and how it can be just as bad as physical bullying." He announces. Ms. Bustier frowns at this as a murmur runs through her class. "Now now I don't think we need to talk about that no one is being excluded in my class or bullied so there is no need to be talking about that." She says gently trying to guide the conversation back to what she wanted and moved onto her former students who would be sure to talk about the message she had taught them during their time as her students.

"Excuse me Ms. Bustier but bullying is an important topic to talk about because it doesn't just end in lower secondary or collège as its called here. It can happen up through lycée and in the workplace as well." Another older boy in jeans and a loose band tee with long dirty blonde hair stepped up next to Itsuki. "Your students comment just now can be taken as verbal bullying. Bullying is serious and needs to be addressed so your students understand the difference between exclusion for the purpose of being mean and just being excluded because your not friends with a certain group. Take Itsuki and me for example we both know Marinette and a few others in this class and sometimes hang out with them but not everyone in this class do we hang out with. Those we don't hang out with may be excluded from a group activity we are doing but not for the purpose of being mean but simple because they aren't a part of our friend group. Excluding one particular person or a small group of them from a class activity such as a field trip or dance is bullying. " JJ explains trying to get their message across only to be brushed off by the teacher much to his frustration.

"My students aren't doing that Marinette is just being difficult is all. If she hadn't made trouble in the first place she wouldn't feel like she is being excluded which she isn't all she has to do is apologize and be a good role model and everything will go back to the way it was." Ms. Bustier waved the two older boys off giving her star pupil a bright beaming smile. "Let's move on shall we my former students still haven't had a chance to talk and we are running out of time." They still had plenty of time for Itsuki and JJ to talk as well as the post graduates but Ms. Bustier wasn't going to listen to anything she didn't want to hear. "Now Delphine and Adam it's your turn to speak and I know you guys will set a wonderful example for my current students after all you two were some of my best students and now look at how successful you are." With a wave the teacher gestured for the two adults to step forward completely oblivious to the deep frowns on their faces or the scowl she was receiving from JJ behind her.

"You're still going on about being a role model to other students? I would have thought you would have given up on that after what happened with Eve." Adam commented arms crossed. "Now Adam I know you and Eve were close but..." Adam interrupted his former teacher before she could continue. "We were cousins. Family of course we were close. We were not dating like many thought something you never bothered to correct. You knew we were related to each other but you stood there and did nothing while our classmates spread it around the school that we were dating. Eve was bullied for supposedly dating her cousin by others in the school." Ms. Bustier interrupted him with a gasp and a hurt expression unable to belive her own former student her shining example for his graduating class would speak to her like this. "I didn't know you two were related why didn't you say something?"

Adam growled glaring, "We did say something we said numerous times we weren't dating and all it would have taken was a look into our files to see that our mothers were twin sisters not that you ever did so. You never checked anyones records for anything. You saw Eve being bullied but did nothing to stop it simply told her to set a good example and show those bullying her how to behave. And you know how that ended don't you? Eve didn't even make it to graduation. She committed suicide halfway through our Première year because she was being bullied so bad she couldn't take it anymore. "

A silence fell across the classroom as the current students took in what was just said. JJ couldn't help but rub at the tattoos that covered his wrists and inside of his forearms feeling the raised marks the art hide. Delphine was the one to break the silence next. "You seemed to think I was successful but let me tell you something. I only just became successful within the past year. You want to know why it took me so long when I was on the fast track to success while still in school? It's because I dropped out of University and ended up in a mental hospital for over a year after I had a nervous breakdown and couldn't pull myself together. All thanks to your teachings on being a good example, being a role model and let's not forget all the pressure and expectations you placed on me."

The woman scoffed giving her former teacher a cold look before continuing."I couldn't say no to anyone and took on more than I could handle. You pressured me into a career choice that I didn't even want to do all because I wasn't sure what exactly I did want to do so you pushed me into being a surgeon just because I was fascinated by human biology. You pushed me into that. You were the one who pushed me into the path of the breakdown and you know something? You really shouldn't be a teacher."

Bonus: "I didn't even have anything to do with Lila being exposed. That was all Uncle Jagged. It's not like I told him to come to my school. I can't control what he does. He's Jagged he does what he wants." Marinette mutters from her seat in the back. Chloe snorts holding back a laugh. "Yeah and what he wanted was for you to design him a jacket like the one you made Luka and he just couldn't wait till you got home and just had to come marching into the school while it was in session to commission you. And then Alya couldn't keep her big mouth shut and thrust her phone in his face wanting to know all about how Lila saved his kitten."

#ml salt prompt #ml salt #ms. bustier salt #dark salt #dark #opps #a bit darker than I intended #mentions of suicide #implied self harm #I don't think you were expecting it to be this dark #ms. bustier shouldn't be a teacher #lila redemption #chloe redemption #Jagged does what he wants #uncle jagged #jagged stone

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surveys-at-your-service · 3 years ago

Text

Survey #449-450

(both from yesterday)

What do you dislike about the house you live in? It's in the suburbs. Have you thought more about your funeral, or your wedding? My hypothetical wedding. Dinosaurs or unicorns? DINO BOIZ. What do you think of Maroon 5? I like some of their old stuff, and one or two of their newer songs, like "Payphone." What about Coldplay? I enjoy them. Fall Out Boy? Love 'em. Katy Perry? She's okay, I guess. There are a few songs I enjoy. Have you ever snuck into an R-rated movie when you weren’t old enough to see it without parents? No. What is your favorite Disney show? I don't have the slightest clue what's on Disney nowadays. What do you miss most about elementary school? Digging tunnels in the sandbox during recess with my friends. :'( When was the last time you saw the person you had your first kiss with? The start of February 2017. Hard to believe it's been four whole years... Is there anything hanging from the doorknob in your room? Ha, yes. Mom got me a little sign that says, "If I can't wear my flipflops, I'm not going," lmfao. All I wear are flipflops. What's your opinion on wearing pajamas in public? Do you yourself do that? I LITERALLY couldn't care less. I wear pjs in public sometimes; it really depends on where I'm going. What was the most severe punishment your parents gave you when you were growing up? Taking away technology was the worst. Do you usually fill up at the same gas station? Mom goes to a few different ones, depending on proximity and price. Have you ever owned any pet birds? What kinds/colours? I have not. I used to want a cockatiel for a long time, though. Do you pay much attention to your YouTube recommendations? If so, what was the last video that caught your attention? Kinda, I guess. I'm not sure what was the last recommended video I clicked. What has been the happiest time of your life so far? It's complicated. Most of my best memories are from high school with Jason, yet at the same time I was HORRIBLY depressed. I think my most pure happiness when I was really progressing with recovery. Moving on from him, losing tons of weight, feeling motivated... Have you ever had a crush on a celebrity? Who? My two biggest celebrity crushes ever have been/is Link Neal and Mark Fischbach. Do you have any fears you would rarely admit to anyone? Nah. Admitting fears isn't a big deal to me at all. What website do you spend most of your time on? YouTube. What did you have for dinner last night? A chicken sandwich. What could you talk about for hours? Meerkats, Silent Hill, Mark... Do you have a lamp beside your bed? Yes. What's your favorite ice cream topping? Chocolate syrup. What was the last TV show you binge watched? Avatar: The Last Airbender. Would you rather eat burgers or tacos? Oh, burgers for sure. I don't likes tacos. Did your mother change her maiden name when/if she got marred? Yes. Do you use TikTok? Nope. Are you closer to your mother or father? Mom. Do you own any costumes? No. Would you care if your SO went to a strip club? Hm. So long as they're not laying hands on any of the strippers and they ASKED me first, I don't think I'd care? I'm pretty sure I'd also only be okay with that if we were a long-term couple where very strong trust has been built. How helpful are your parents to you? Would they help you to pay for your first apartment? College? Where does the line end? They are so, so very helpful and I'm pretty sure would go to the ends of the earth to help me in any way they could. I know they WOULD help pay for the things you mentioned, but it's not something I want them to do. I want to be able to financially provide for myself, one day... Have you ever had to evacuate due to natural disaster? No. What video games did you have when you were growing up? LOADS. I looooooooved video games. What was the first election you ever voted in? This last one, actually. Can you hear anything right now? Yeah. I'm watching Gab play the Resident Evil 3 remake on hardcore mode. What's the coolest, most unusual pet you can think of? I've always thought sugar gliders were quite interesting as pets. I wanted one for a looong time, but I am not informed on how well they do in captivity and if it should even be legal for me to truly want one anymore. Have you ever seen a UFO or other weird object in the sky? By definition, it was a UFO. Sometimes I do even wonder if it was an alien spacecraft, given JUST how strange that shit was. I won't explain it again, just 'cuz I've done it in many surveys before. Are there any albums you know every single lyric to? I could probably nail Ozzy's Black Rain. What's your go-to painkiller? Advil. Does your mom have a celebrity look-alike? No, but there's a celebrity with her exact name. Do you think it’s pretty when 100s of balloons are let loose into the sky? NO NO NO NO NO that shit is SO upsetting. Where do you think they end up??? It's littering. Animals get choked and tangled by them all the time. What do you draw more than anything else? Definitely meerkats. Have you ever visited someone in a psychiatric home or ward? No, but people have visited me in one. Have you ever received a parking fine? No. Are you in any group chats? Who's in them? No. Do you have a lisp? No. Do you have an Instagram account? Do you use it often? I have three, but one's pretty much dead. I don't post stuff regularly on my other two either, really... Can you parallel park? I would absolutely hit another car. Have you ever played paintball? Did you get hit? No, that shit's dumb. You can get really hurt. What was your favorite fairy tale when you were a kid? Maybe Little Red Riding Hood? Are your parents still together? If not, do you know why? No. Mostly financial disagreements, but I know there's stuff I don't know. Have you ever been evicted? Why? Yes, because we couldn't keep up with rent. Have you ever worked as a manager or supervisor? Noooo. What was the last thing you voted for? So Snake Discovery (a reptile channel I love) hosted an enclosure build-off recently, and the winners were selected by fans via voting. The guy I voted for got 3rd. What's the most amazing animal you've ever seen in captivity? I've been very close to an elephant at a zoo once. They're magnificent. Having been to Sea World as a kid (I would NEVER go now), I also saw the killer whale show. As much of a spectacle as it was, it was animal abuse regardless. Do you like white chocolate? It's okay in small doses. Have you ever eaten snow? Yeah. Do you talk to your pets? Um, duh. Have you ever adopted a stray? (Cat or dog?) Cats, yes. Do you read about any mythology? (Greek, Roman, Norse, Egyptian, etc) No, not by my own will. I DO love mythology, I just... don't read it. Do you ever use bath bombs? No. Have you ever gotten angry at an employee and complained to the manager? No. Have you ever sent your food back at a restaurant? Yes, because they got my meal wrong. I was REALLY shy to do it, but I made sure to do it politely and apologetically. Do you sleep in a bra? What mad lad sleeps in a bra???????????? Has your ex ever gone out with someone close to you? No. Can you suggest someone funny on YouTube? I'll go for someone what isn't my obvious vote, ha ha. There are truly so many, but Garrett Watts is high on the list. Elena Bateman, too. Can you do a handstand? No. Has anyone close to you ever been suicidal? Yes. Have you ever broken someone's heart and didn't care? Tyler sure acted like I did, and to be entirely frank, I didn't care very much, but only because it was a HUGE overreaction and I knew he'd be fine quick. What color is your hairbrush? It's just a white comb. Who was your most recent call from? My psychiatrist. Have you ever watched someone die? Only animals... It's the absolute worst. Are you currently "seeing" someone? No. Are you friends with someone who's autistic? I might be, but I know my niece is on the spectrum. Do you like humans? To be entirely transparent... I think I wish humans were never a thing. We've done so, so much harm to the planet, some things irrevocable. Earth would be a much healthier, far more peaceful place if we'd never existed. Do you like pandas? I love pandas. P.S., fuck outta here if you're one of the people who don't support conservation efforts for them. That shit blows my mind. What do you think of Evanescence? They're great. Amy's voice is absolutely incredible. I don't even think that's an opinion, but global fact, ha ha. What do you think of Avenged Sevenfold? I like some of their stuff. I haven't heard a whole lot though, honestly. What do you think of Halestorm? ^ Do you think you are attractive? God no. I don't see me as an attractive person at all. Do you like dinosaurs? I love 'em; I was OBSESSED as a kid, and my first aspired job was a paleontologist. Do you like lasagna? No. Do you share a room? No. When was the last time you climbed a tree? Never, actually. Have you ever been hospitalized for more than 2 weeks? I think my longest was three. What can you do that none of your friends can do? I dunno. Why did you last go to the airport? Mom and I were dropping Sara off so she could go home. Who was the last person to see you in your underwear? My mom. Who’s the most attractive female you’ve ever seen? Maybe Alissa White-Gluz from Arch Enemy? Or my friend Alon. I'm certain there's more, because women are just so fuckin beautiful asdkfajlwejkrjqwe Red, white, yellow, or pink roses? I actually like the original, rich red. Do you think someone would ever want to marry you? Well, two people have, but one absolutely doesn't anymore and the other knows that it's not healthy or emotionally safe for either of us to imagine that at this time. I don't know if anyone ever will again. Do you like Thanksgiving? No. Like I enjoy the focus on thankfulness, but the history isn't right and I don't enjoy the food. Do you ever wear colored eye liner? No. Have you ever used a darkroom? No. Have you ever been "popular"? No. Has someone ever tried to convert you? Yes. Have you ever been told that you dress like a slut? No, not that how someone dresses has any relevance to their sexual activity. What’s your most recent obsession? Final Fantasy X jfccccccc. Video games or board games? The former. Are you scared of tarantulas? As much as I talk about them... you can probably tell I have a massive interest in them, ha ha. However, even though I love them, they're still sorta scary. Like, threat poses are no joke. And it's terrifying on the very rare occasion they hiss. During Covid, do you wear a mask or no mask? I'm fully vaccinated, and yet I still wear a mask because I'm a considerate human fucking being. Do you have a PlayStation 4? No, but I reeeeaaally want one. :/ Have you ever played Fortnite? Nah, not my type of game. Do you like anime? Yeah. Have you ever been on a boat? Yeah. I was always SO excited as a kid when Dad would take the boat out for a fishing trip. Have you ever played Kingdom Hearts? I've played some of it with Jason. I wasn't a fan of it. Have you ever built a snowman? Yes. DC or Marvel? I don't really have a preference.

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Do you prefer your nails long or short? Why? Short, because I can't keep my nails long for the life of me. I pick/peel my nails badly. Do you have any vinyl records? No. Are you still in touch with your best friend from high school? No. Have you ever visited any celebrity gravesites? No. How do you feel about archaeology? It's extremely fascinating. Would you have a big cat (like a tiger) for a pet if you could? No. I could never provide the environment they need, and it's simply not safe. They are not domestic animals, and even the ones that seem most tame can surprise you. What are your favorite smells? Cinnamon rolls, coffee, lilac, fresh baked bread, barbecue, etc. Have you ever had to block people online for harassing you? I'm not sure, actually... What is your favorite thing to do on The Sims? Surveys have a lot of questions about those games... I only ever played the ones that focused on animals, and I think I most enjoyed breeding them and naming the bbz. :^) And watching their behavior. Which hair color you've had has been your favorite? Red. If you were stupid-rich, would you ever actually want a mansion? No. I do not need all that room, nor am I wasting my money on such excessive space. What drinking games have you played? None. Do you take lessons for anything? No. Has something really heavy ever fallen on you? No. If you wear makeup, what colors do you usually wear? Only black. Does your shower have curtains or a glass door/wall? Curtains. If you have more than one pet, do they ever get jealous of each other? One is a snake and the other is a cat, so. Is there a room in your house that you don’t like going in? No. Besides salt and butter, do you put anything on your popcorn? Nothing besides what you mentioned. Are you lonely? I'm way too lonely for it to be healthy. Do you like pineapple? Yep. Have you ever seen fireflies? Yes; they're endemic to here. Have you ever trespassed? As a kid, yes. Do you raise your hand or participate in class? I did sometimes. Are you afraid of heights? Yes. Are you afraid of the dark? No. Would you ever be your school’s mascot who wears that costume? No. Have you ever written a poem? I've written a lot. Would you ever be a tornado chaser? FUCK TO THE HELL NO. What is your favorite thing to eat with bbq sauce, if you even like that stuff? I hate bbq sauce. Have you ever had to do a class in summer school? No. Have you ever been to the rainforest? No. Ever thought about writing a book? Yes. Have you ever had a dream where you killed someone? Yes. Have you ever solved a Rubik’s Cube? Nope. Have you seen all of the Jaws movies? No, only the first one with Tyler. It was aight. Have you ever had a black eye? No. Is your ex sexually attractive to you still? I haven't seen a picture of Jason in years, and I don't want to. Not because I care about how he looks now, it'd just be extremely triggering to see his face. I still find Sara gorgeous. Have you ever been to couple’s counseling? No. How often does your employer ask you to work overtime? N/A When was the last time you were scared? Ummmm I really can't say I know. What’s your favorite song by Rihanna? "Disturbia" is where it's AT. There's this synthwave edit of it that I positively adore. Can you speak binary? No. Have you ever had a pet that you disliked? A family pet, yes. Do you like boys with long hair? UGH yes. Do you like root beer? Not really, no. Do you like ice cream cake? Not really. Do you ever dream of yourself dying? That's not all that rare in my nightmares. What song always makes you sad? I think two songs are tied for what makes me most sad: "Stairway to Heaven" by Led Zeppelin and "Eternally Yours" by Motionless In White. Were you mean as a little kid? No; I was a sweet kid. Have you ever tried spam? No, it looks SO gross to me. How fast can you run? This is pathetic, but I don't think I CAN run. My knees are too weak. I think my weight coming down on them would just make me crumple over. Have you ever bought something from Spencer's? Yeah. Have you ever been on a diet? I've tried diets many times. Do you prefer light or dark jeans? Dark. When you listen to music, do you generally sing along, or just listen? I almost always just listen. Do you have any of your exes as friends on Facebook? Yeah. Who was your first love? Do you ever miss that person? Jason. I miss his memory every day. I say "memory" because it's been years, and I have no way of knowing who he is today. How many cars are parked at your house right now? One. Has anyone ever told you you’re a control freak? No. Do you know anyone who has gone missing? If so, were they ever found? Not personally. What was the spiciest thing you’ve ever eaten? Some wings with extremely hot sauce at Buffalo Wild Wings. Have you ever deliberately tried to get someone drunk? Um yeah, no. Do you like sprinkles on your ice cream? No. I don't like sprinkles in general. Do you know how to do the moon walk? No. Has anybody ever told you that you have a good singing voice? Yes, somehow. Onion rings or french fries? French fries, for sure. Who is the best cook that you know? Dunno. If you have your ears pierced, when did you get them pierced? When I was a kid. I don't remember the age, but I was old enough to decide myself that I wanted them pierced. If you have siblings, have they moved out or do they still live with you? They have their own places now. Do you like fried rice? Yessss. Are there any animals you refuse to touch? Some bugs. Have you ever intentionally fed a house spider? I don't believe so, no. What makes you feel lucky? That I have the family I do. What is something nice going on in your life right now? Just the gym-going, really... Who’s the worst person you’ve encountered on the Internet? An old friend I just knew as Shakes. If death wasn’t a consequence, what would you try? Maybe sky-diving, idk. Has a teacher ever told you off? No. Have you ever told off a teacher? No. Do/did you take school seriously or not? I certainly did. How do you usually cope with breakups? Not well. I obsess over how something's wrong with me and I'm not good enough for anyone. Disney princess or Disney animal movies? Animals, for sure. What's your favorite Katy Perry song? It's evading me right now... Have you ever made/tried friendship bread!? Omg, I forgot that was a thing! I actually have. I've completely forgotten the gist of it or even how it tastes, but I remember I loved it. What do you want to know about the future? If I'll ever be content and happy. What's your biggest insecurity? My weight. Ever found something disgusting in your food while eating out? No, thank god. Does the area where you live have a good or bad reputation? A very bad one. Are there any holidays that you don't celebrate? Yeah, like St. Patrick's Day, among some others. If you could find out who you're gonna marry right now, would you? Yes. Save myself time and heartbreak. How important is it to you that your partner has the same religious views? I wouldn't date someone very religious. If they're more tame about it, that's fine, but I'd prefer to not date a religious individual. Do you own a Wii? Yeah. I've kinda been wanting to play Guitar Hero or Rock Band lately on it... Do you like a lot of cheese on your pizza? "A regular, reasonable amount of cheese." <<<< This. I really don't like when things are so cheesy that it leaves a ridiculous trail when you try to separate pieces. Have you ever been made fun of because of your sexuality? Not directly to my face, but I can guarantee people I know had certain ~opinions~ on it when I came out. I also like just came out as pansexual versus bi, and I'm not even telling a lot of people in my personal life because I know they'll find the concept absolutely ridiculous. What would you do if you found an abandoned animal? "Depends on what type of an animal it was, and whether it was friendly or skittish." <<<< This. I'm obviously not going to try to usher a rabid dog over to me (I'd call a rescue or something if the animal appeared potentially dangerous), but if the animal appeared safe, my heart would absolutely lead me to try and get the animal to come to me so I could take it home and try to find the owner. Have you ever kissed someone who had a tongue piercing? No. What singer/band do you think deserves to be more famous than they are? Jonathan Young from YouTube. He is INCREDIBLE. He deserves to be picked up by a label so badly. What is your favorite PlayStation 1 game? The original Silent Hill, no competition. Do you think objectum sexuals are real, or attention seekers? I really can't imagine someone pretending to want to fuck their car for attention. I don't get it AT ALL, and it's weird as shit to me, but I mean, I don't think people can control what they're attracted to. How far out of your age bracket would you date? 21-early 30s, probs. Have you ever had an STD? No. Have you ever tried pho? No. Pick one: Crash Bandicoot or Spyro? Spyro!!!! I have the original trilogies of both series, but Spyro is where it's AT. Does your job allow piercings or tattoos? I'm unemployed, but I wouldn't work at a job that didn't, honestly. If you could dye your hair any color right now with absolutely no restrictions, what color would you dye it? Maybe like a galaxy-esque mixture of layered colors. I've wanted that for YEARS. Have you ever known a white supremacist? This region is swimming in them. Have you ever spoken to a detective before? No. Do ladders scare you? Climbing them does, yes. Do you have any tattoos on your arms? Yeah. Have you ever thrown up on anybody? Unless I did unknowingly as a baby, no. How many people have you turned down when they asked you out? Uhhh two or three, maybe? What is your favourite kind of fruit cobbler? I actually haven't tried enough to have an educated favorite, but I can say I love peach. Do you hear any other people talking right now? I'm watching a let's player play Sekiro: Shadows Die Twice, so I hear her, obviously. When was the last time you started a new medication? It's been a while, idk. What is your favourite type of nut? Cashews, I guess. I don't really like nuts, but I definitely like cashew bars. Where did you eat the best pizza you’ve ever eaten in your life? ... Domino's lmaoooo. Did you ever watch The Rugrats when you were a kid? Yeah, I loved that show. I even had two video games. Do you know anyone who was adopted? Yes. Can you name all 50 US state capital cities? No. Can you tie balloons? I can't, actually. Have you had a deep conversation with anyone today? Yeah. I wanted Sara's advice on something I'm dealing with. On your Facebook friends list, who was the last person to have their b-day? One of my sisters' was yesterday, actually. What did you/are you having for dinner tonight? I had Special K cereal. Name some healthy foods that you enjoy eating. Strawberries, apples, bananas, (sometimes) broccoli, other things that aren't coming to me. Who was the last person you Facebook messaged? My friend Girt. What flavor was the last cupcake you ate? The cupcake itself was chocolate, and the icing was uhhhh... blue? Apart from sleeping, what do you plan to do tonight? I haven't done anything of note. I'm probably going to bed soon. What’s the age difference between your parents? Two years, I think. When was the last time you ate an apple? Today. I have been on a big sliced apples w/ peanut butter kick lately. Have you had any caffeinated beverages today? I have soda every day. :x Have you eaten any chocolate today? What kind? Mom brought me a Reese's home today when she went out with a friend. How many different towns/cities have you lived in? Three. Have you ever written a song or poem for someone special? Poems, yes. Are you attracted to the last person you Facebook messaged? Not very much physically. Emotionally... I don't know. Do you have any ice cream in your freezer? What flavor is it? No. Ice cream is my #1 comfort food, so that's a big "keep out of the house."

#survey #surveys #random questions

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vintagedaydreams · 5 years ago

Text

Knives Out Imagine Part Three

Detective Blanc x Female Reader

This is the END! Thanks so much for reading! I enjoyed this little story – hope you did too!

Warnings: Spoilers!!, mention of death/suicide/murder, language, suggestive themes at the end, innuendo and such because, I’ll say it again, suspenders!!

((On a side note, did anyone else know which Murder, She Wrote episode it was after just the two seconds on screen?? …because I did and I’m not sure how I feel about that. 😊 ))

@joalsglasses @yo-skeletons @elroymarvelous @bella-maria2018

You were just putting the finishing touches on your lunch, when you heard a loud knock at your cottage door.

With an expectant grin, you headed over and opened it, revealing Benoit who looked…upset?

“That family,” he growled out, as he pushed his way into your cottage, though he squeezed your arm with a gentleness that belied his apparent irritation as he swept past you.

You felt a flush sweep across your face and you quickly shut the door before turning to face him with what you hoped was a nonchalant look.

You failed. That damn man was going to be the death of you.

Not only was he ranting about the family, his voice deepening and accent thickening in such a way that you honestly weren’t listening to what he was saying as much as how he was saying it, but he had also discarded his suit jacket and was currently rolling up his shirt sleeves in jerky, frustrated movements.

Hot damn.

If you thought you were red in the face before, you must’ve been fire engine red by now. You subtly reached up to make sure you weren’t drooling. ‘Cause you pretty sure you were.

“…don’t you think?” you tuned back in to hear Benoit ask. You blinked at him, wide eyed and quite mortified that you’d been checking him out rather than listening to what he was saying.

“I don’t...I mean, I wasn’t…I—what was the question?” you stuttered out. Benoit looked you over, brow furrowed, before his eyes suddenly took on a devilish glint and you swallowed thickly as he seemed to stalk his way over to you. You couldn’t help the way your eyes traveled down his torso as he moved, feeling your mouth dry up at the sight of suspenders.

The ‘last of the gentleman sleuths’ indeed.

“Now, I wonder what has caught your attention so much that you missed the entire conversation,” Benoit murmured, his voice a husky tone you had not heard before. You felt your entire body tingle as you realized how close he was. Every time you breathed, your chest brushed his slightly and you just knew your face was red once again. If it had ever stopped being red to begin with.

“(Y/N)?” Benoit purred, breath ghosting over your lips. You gulped, staring up into electric blue eyes, but unable to say anything. You weren’t honestly sure what would come out of your mouth if you did try to speak anyway. Probably something incredibly embarrassing.

“Well,” the detective suddenly grinned after a few more moments of silence, looking all too satisfied with himself, “since a conversation seems to be out of the question for the moment, how about lunch? Do you have something here, or should we go out?”

Benoit took a few steps back and you suddenly felt able to breath again. Nodding somewhat absently, you gestured to the kitchen and you were gifted with a dastardly smirk before Benoit brushed past you and headed into the kitchenette.

You released a shaky breath and closed your eyes once he disappeared into the other room.

Yup. The man was going to be the death of you.

Thankfully for your already shaken frame of mind, Benoit seemed to behave himself for the rest of the afternoon.

Lunch passed pleasantly, and you were able to actually make intelligent conversation, (even with suspenders and forearms on display across the table from you), and you were ridiculously proud of yourself for that.

Instead of eating and dashing, as you were a bit worried he’d do, Benoit stayed in your cottage for hours after lunch. You both spoke through the entire afternoon, though not really about the case. Instead, you spoke to get to know each other and you found that you actually had quite a few things in common.

Which didn’t help the crush that was growing at an alarming rate.

Benoit finally called it a day when you couldn’t keep your yawns to yourself anymore. It was early, but you hadn’t slept much the night before, thanks to the man in front of you plaguing your thoughts. Ever the gentleman, Benoit left when he saw you beginning to nod off, letting himself off and locking the door behind him.

You slowly got ready for bed, before collapsing onto your mattress. You were exhausted, but exhilarated at the same time. You didn’t exactly know what was going on between you and Detective Blanc, but you were looking forward to finding out.

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The next morning found you once again up a ladder, but this time, you had it leaning against the house, and you were working on cleaning up some of the climbing ivy that covered parts of the building. Wouldn’t do for it climb right over windows or into gutters.

“Good morning,” you heard from the foot of the ladder and you looked over your shoulder to see Benoit standing there, thankfully all covered up in his heavy wool sweater jacket.

“Good morning,” you returned with a grin and a nod. “What brings you here this early?”

“I was hoping to steal some of your time again, (Y/N). If you can spare it.”

You turned as much of your body as you could without falling off the ladder to look down at him.

“What do you need, Benoit?”

“Someone to bounce ideas off of again. I need to talk this all out and I was hoping you could help with that. If you can concentrate today.”

You gaped at the playful smirk that stole across his face and your face heated.

“Uh,” you cleared your throat, “yeah. Yeah, I can help you out, Benoit. But if it’s okay with you, can we continue outside today? I need to get this done.”

You actually didn’t need to get this done, at least not today, but you were not going to let that man get you both inside and distract you so badly this time. You’d show him that you could still concentrate and keep up with his conversation! …You just wouldn’t mention that the only way you could do that was if he was in about three layers and outside in 30-degree weather.

You were so screwed.

“Of course,” came the amused response from below you. “Whatever you need.”

You bit your lip hard on that one. Whatever you need, indeed. Boy, was that list growing steadily and it all involved the man beneath your ladder too. But best to derail that train of thought before you lost your concentration again.

“Now, there’s a piece to this puzzle that I’m missing, (Y/N),” Benoit began, and you used all your admittedly limited concentration to follow along with everything he said. You could daydream, (and ogle the man), at a different time.

As Benoit began recapping all that had happened, both at the will reading and before, you actually stopped working and turned back to face him as best you could.

“Wait, wait, wait. So Marta was his beneficiary? Harlan left her everything?”

“Yes,” was the simple reply, blue eyes looking at you carefully. You suddenly threw your head back and laughed.

“Oh, I am so sorry I missed that! I bet that absolutely killed the rest of the family! How’d they take it?” you asked eagerly. Finally! Ol’ Harlan took his blasted family down a few hundred pegs!

Benoit gave a chuckle and dutifully played back the family’s reactions, his grin growing wider each time you laughed delightedly.

“Oh, I hope she kicks them all out and leaves them with nothing,” you sang as you turned back to the ivy. “They certainly don’t deserve any more than that!”

“I would hope so too, but I have a feeling she’ll help them out.”

You snorted as you tore off a few branches of ivy and tossed them down, “Yeah, wouldn’t surprise me. Marta is such an angel, I love her. But she’s too damn nice. But, enough about that. Sorry to interrupt. You were saying?”

Benoit kept up his talking, sometimes repeating the same thing over and over, but in different ways as you kept working, sometimes moving the ladder to get to another section. Listening to it all from his point of view, you agreed.

Something was off; there was something missing. But unfortunately, you had absolutely no idea what. When you told Benoit as much, he smiled and assured you that you were helping immensely, just by letting him bounce ideas off of you. Even if a few of them were so ridiculous, they made you laugh again. But you secretly suspected that was his ploy all along.

Benoit was right in the middle of spinning another crazy scenario when his phone went off. After a brief conversation, he raised a hand in farewell to you and started running back to the driveway, still on his phone.

You watched him go with a furrowed brow, worried. That worry increased when he practically peeled out of the driveway, but you turned back to you work once he was out of sight.

Hopefully, he’d tell you when he returned.

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It was later that afternoon, much later, when Benoit returned, this time with Marta in her car. Neither one seemed to notice you as they went right inside and you went back to your work in the yard.

You desperately hoped that everything was okay. Neither one had seemed in a good mood and you hoped it had nothing to do with whatever made Benoit leave in such a rush that morning.

You zoned out as you worked, mind running in circles about what could have happened, and what was happening right now inside, and you jumped as you felt a hand on your shoulder.

Spinning, you saw Trooper Wagner looking at you somewhat worried.

“Miss (Y/L/N), are you alright? I called your name a few times, but you didn’t answer.”

“Sorry,” you apologized, face flushing. “I was lost in thought.”

Trooper Wagner looked like he was going to question you further, but shook his head slightly before saying, “Detective Blanc would like to see you inside, if you can.”

You blinked, surprised, but stood, brushing yourself off and followed Trooper Wagner inside and back into the Knife Room.

To your surprise, there was only Benoit, Detective Elliot, Marta and Ransom in the room. You threw Ransom a confused look, though he didn’t see it since he was sitting, facing away from you.

Why on earth was that prick here? You were honestly surprised he hadn’t cut and run. Then again, if Marta had gotten everything… Oh dear.

You tuned into what Benoit was already revealing, this time having no problem concentrating on what he was saying, though you did notice in the back of your mind that he was once again jacket-less with his shirtsleeves rolled up.

The more Benoit revealed, the more disgusted and horrified you became. Ransom…he did that? To his own grandfather? And poor Marta… He tried to frame her and then used her when that didn’t work and all for…

And Fran? He’d taken out Fran too? Because she saw what he was doing and...oh, Fran. Why didn’t you just go to the police? Ransom may have been a trust fund baby, but he was so much stronger than her. And he not only attacked her but again framed Marta? Good, sweet Marta?

You felt anger thrum through you suddenly and you desperately wished you had bashed Ransom over the head with a shovel years ago. There was plenty of property, plenty of places to hide a body and no one would have been the wiser. They would have assumed he was just off and doing his own thing, not that he’d been taken out by one of the ‘help’.

It was no less than what that bastard deserved.

A shout brought your focus back to the present and you watched, wide eyed and horrified as Ransom jumped at Marta, knife in hand. They collapsed on the floor together and you shut your eyes, sure you had just seen the only good person involved with this awful family murdered by the self-serving, greedy, pretentious little shit.

You were not sure you could take another death. Definitely not Marta’s!

Ransom’s soft exclamation made you tentatively crack an eye open and you collapsed on the seat next to you in sheer relief when you saw that Marta was alive and okay. Shook up, but okay.

Heart beating widely, you closed your eyes again, leaning back in the chair as you heard the Detective and Trooper take Ransom into custody.

This was all a bit much for you. And Marta! Poor Marta, to be going through what she did. To think that she had thought she was responsible for Harlan’s death all that time… Why hadn’t she come to you? Asked for help? Tried to tell you what was going on?

You snapped your eyes open to look at Benoit. When did he know? When had he found out that Marta was a ‘good nurse’ and it wasn’t her fault? Hell, when had he found out what had happened? As of this morning, he was apparently missing a very important piece to all this.

Benoit caught your eyes and gave a subtle shake of his head, gesturing slightly to Marta.

You nodded back. Right. Marta definitely came first. You’d, hopefully, get questions answered later.

Heaving yourself off the chair, you slowly approached her, still laying on the ground.

“Marta?” you murmured softly, registering that Benoit moved back to the other side of the room to give you two space, without leaving.

Brown eyes shot to yours and Marta was suddenly up and wrapping her arms around you, still shaking.

“I’m sorry, (Y/N)! I’m sorry I didn’t tell you! I didn’t want to worry you, and I thought maybe you might blame me, even though it was an accident and then Ransom helped me get away from the family and he tricked me into telling him what I’d done and he seemed so genuine and I thought that I could trust him, and—”

“Marta,” you interrupted, “Marta! Stop, stop talking. It’s okay. You’re fine. I’m not mad at you. I wished you would have come and talked to me, yes. But I understand. That was… a lot for Harlan to put on you, even though he meant well. It’s okay. You’re okay. Just,” you pushed her away slightly so you could meet her eyes, “know that I would not have blamed you, okay? You heard Benoit. You’re a good nurse. And even if you had accidentally mixed up the medication, it would have been an accident. You are the best thing that’s happened to Harlan in forever. Never forget that. Okay?”

Marta sniffed, nodding, before pulling you back in for a hug.

“I didn’t do anything with him,” she blurted suddenly after a few moments of silent hugging. “I don’t know why he left me everything but it wasn’t like that, not like they all suggested.”

You barked a laugh, feeling more lighthearted than you had since Harlan’s death.

“Marta, I certainly know better than to think that there was anything between you and Harlan other than friendship. He left you everything because the man knew you’d do good with it and that his family was not worth their weight in shit.” Cue a snort from Benoit’s side of the room. “Please, Marta. Don’t take anything they say to heart. They’re a bunch of jealous, selfish, greedy assholes and you’re so far above their league. You’re a good person, Marta. That’s why Harlan left everything to you.”

You gave her a smile, standing up before reaching down to help her up.

“Now, come on. Let’s go get something to drink to settle both of our nerves, okay?”

You looked over your shoulder at Benoit as you and Marta left the room and he gave you a nod and a smile.

Good. Hopefully he’d come and find you at your cottage once you had Marta all settled.

It didn’t take as long as you thought it might, getting Marta set up with a blanket and some coffee. You gave a small smile as she chose Harlan’s mug, “My House, My Rules, My Coffee”, and you hoped the rest of the family would see it. Not only was it Harlan’s favorite mug, but the house was now Marta’s. Beautiful irony.

Oh, you sincerely hoped that she kicked them all out on their rears.

You slipped out to your cottage once Marta was set. She looked like she may need a little bit of time to herself to come to terms with all that had been revealed just a half hour prior. It was a lot to take in. She had a lot of guilt that she had been needlessly carrying around, thanks to both Ransom and Harlan. She needed some time to get her head on straight.

And you? Well, you were actually going for something stronger than coffee after that.

What an absolute mess. A tragedy of errors. Oh, Harlan, you theatrical idiot.

Shaking your head, you grabbed the whiskey and a glass out of your cupboard. Usually, you mixed it but right now, you needed it strong.

You had just lifted the cup to your lips when your cottage door opened and Benoit walked in.

You didn’t have a chance to do more than blink at him before he was right in front of you, gently taking the glass from your frozen fingers and setting it down on the counter.

“What—”

Your back meeting the kitchen wall behind you cut off your sentence and you stared wide eyed at the man pressed against you, his arms bracketing you in on either side.

You were pressed so close to him, you could feel his chest move with every breath and a full body shiver ran through you. His blue eyes darkened, pupils dilating as he noticed.

Shit. And he wasn’t even showing off his suspenders this time!

“Tell me if I’m wrong, (Y/N), but I think we have some…chemistry between us that I’d like to explore further.”

Your mind blanked out for a moment as he dipped his head; you were sure he was going to kiss you. Instead, he brushed his lips across your cheek to your ear and hello, erogenous zone you didn’t know you had.

“What do you think?” he murmured, his lips barely grazing your ear as he spoke.

What did you think? You thought that your brain just short circuited, all thoughts about the case completely deserted you, because the only thing you could focus on was his scent, the feel of his chest pressed against yours, and the fact that his lips were not on yours right now. Why weren’t they on yours?

Your heart skipped a few beats as you felt his lips pull up into a smile.

“As much as I’d like to take your silence as you being swept away by my presence,” he said teasingly, and the small part of your brain that was still semi functioning scoffed – the bastard knew exactly what he was doing to you! – “I’d much rather hear it from your lips, sweetheart.”

A small sound escaped you, somewhere between a whimper and a whine. That accent murmuring in your ear and a pet name? This man was going to be the death of you!

His low chuckle reverberated through you. “Not quite what I had in mind, but I’ll take it.”

Deliriously, you found yourself certainly hoping he’d take it. And you. Here will do just fine, thanks.

Benoit pulled back just far enough to be able to see your face and he chuckled again. Probably at the dazed look on your face. Were you drooling again?

“Now, Y/N, before we go too much farther, how about dinner, hm?”

You blinked, desperately trying to get your brain to reboot. After all of that, he was suddenly talking about dinner?

“…What?” you managed to get out after a moment.

Blue eyes twinkled at you. “My momma always taught me to treat a woman to dinner first, Y/N. Preferably more than one.”

You must’ve had some doozy of an expression on your face because Benoit actually laughed and then cupped your face. “In this case, I think that Momma will be content with just the one. What do you say? Dinner first?”

Your brain suddenly jumped back into gear with a vengeance. The sooner you two had dinner then the sooner you could—

“Let’s go!” You ducked around Benoit and bolted for your jacket in the other room, the man’s laughter following you the whole way.

Sure, sure. You’d do dinner first.

But only if you couldn’t convince the man otherwise on the way into town.

#THE END #Knives Out Imagine #Benoit Blanc x Reader #Reader Insert

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