#not commentary related but i think it's really funny that i went to post this and was checking the settings and saw the date

[soleilocverse]

Chapter 21 Commentary

Wrote this ch over. Many a moon. But while finishing it up had a strep throat scare While 3 days away from a big test that I can only take once a year and i was. Very Stressed.

"Can you bring me,” he names the first thing he can think of just to get Ray to move, “a bottle of water, please. And then can you please just come get Ness?” 

(I keep accidentally deleting these draft notes aaa) but I think it's cool to see Soleil being Actively manipulative? He did it too when he asked Ray for stuff but he's v aware of how to change his demeanor to get what he wants/appease people. Like, it's always been along the lines of being submissive in some way but there are different ways of playing that (in this case, by submitting to ray's desire to bring something to him, even if he doesn't think he needs anything, he can move things along.) and he is aware that the others want him to be able to ask for things Plus they defer to him when it's Ness in mind

so while he tends not to ask for things partially bc he genuinely doesn't want to be a burden/ask for too much/owe them for it/etc, there's also the constantly analyzing part of him that knows if he doesn't ask for much, when he Really wants to ask for something, even if it's something he thinks the others might be hesitant about (but not Too hesitant. he wants to play Into their feelings, not try and oppose them) then he's much more likely to get it. like. having ray take ness and leave soleil in the suite while barely giving him time to think about it

"Hi, baby" croon

Was re-reading and got walloped noticing that I'd written Soleil going "hi, baby" over the phone in the same kind of croon that he has when he goes "hi, baby" when Ness wakes up for him in the basement and i,,,, it wasn't intentional, it's just a thing he Does and i think it's going to keep popping up. Just that, swell of relief and a teeny bit of desperation coming out in that croon.

i keep wanting to write ness in a high chair and then i have to go No booster seat, u know why, bc i think it'd be insanely cute for him to play w/ things on a tray table or to see him kick his little feet but he's not quite That tiny

Cyrill's texting

I had to go back and edit over Cyrill's texting so much bc i was like. babes. this is just You (specifically, i wrote "totes" in my author notes and then went back and saw him type totes twice and was like.......hm don't like that HKDSJHSK), so, i've decided cyrill uses a lot more shortened words like tgt/ofc. he doesn't tend to type out the "you" "are" etc and uses a lot of emojis. i think actually, he would be an Atrocious texter when it comes to katie bc he thinks it's funny when he shortens words so much it's just consonants or just straight up only uses emojis and makes her figure out what he's trying to say (which she tends to do!!)

Soft versions because my brain is too fried to get into that headspace rn: "🤒🤒🤒🤒🤒🤒🤒🤒🤒🤒😩😩🤧😫😫 let me out" when he gets sick or "💗🐶😷🤒😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭, he’s so upset about it too 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔" when soleil gets sick (i think this will also mutate into soleil just Being the pink heart eventually but for clarity's sake it's pink haired dog 😭)

He only manages a couple and spends the rest of the time running his finger pad up and down the sleeve, feeling the little bumps of the crackers and not really hearing the crackling of the plastic.

idk the sensory of mindlessly running his finger up and down the bumps got me here and then i had to parallel it w/ ness's spine

He has the oddly calm thought that “this is it.” If Ness dies, this is it for him, forever. There won't be anything left.

HI, i want you to know that this entire scene came to me into a dream and these lines absolutely blasted the fuck out of me.

[hils79]

Hils Watches Matz Travel Vlog - Part 1

It's been a very weird weekend.

I went to Manchester to visit my sister and it's the first time I've been back since I saw Ateez there a couple of weeks ago. Post-concert bues is definitely a thing, but I wasn't prepared for how hard being back would hit me emotionally. As soon as I got off the train the arena was right there. But there were no Atinys giving away freebies and no general buzz of anticipation and excitement.

I hopped on a tram and saw that the lunar new year lanterns that Wooyoung posed with were still up. Then I went past a bunch of the shops and restaurants we visited while we were there and I legit started tearing up.

I'm sure at least part of it was because shark week and general tiredness but I wasn't expecting to get so emotional over the whole experience.

And then while I was away, going back to the topic of this post, the Matz travel vlog dropped but I couldn't watch it because it's over an hour long and I was visiting family.

But I'm home now and ready to watch it. And because I need somewhere to scream about all my feelings I've decided to make this your problem and liveblog it.

I haven't been fussed about avoiding spoilers so I've seen a few screenshots and gifs but nothing major.

So lets accompany Hongjoong and Seonghwa on a trip to the Star Wars wedding location in Italy. I'm sure this won't be romantic and ridiculous at all.

FFS even the opening credits look like an old married couple's honeymoon home video

Hongjoong making sure we all know Seonghwa isn't late for their date

This is just reminding me of when @storkmuffin was doing commentary on the lego live and said Hongjoong kept praising himself. Yes, baby, you are very good at toast.

Seonghwa hasn't even sat down yet and Hongjoong is making sure he gets his coffee

Sweetie, you look like you were carved out of marble by Michaelangelo himself

You can tell from Hongjoong's amused smile that he is used to this nonsense

Orders coffee for Seonghwa without prompting. I'm fine.

I'm not going to dwell too much on their relationship with food because it honestly just makes me sad.

Aww Hongjoong saying he prefers to be around other people and he gets sad when he has to work in his studio alone. I remember him saying something similar on Fromm a few months back. I think they were flying somewhere as a group after some time off during which Hongjoong had done a bunch of solo projects. He was saying it was nice to be at the airport with the others instead of just by himself.

Oh, good. I thought Seonghwa was going to skip breakfast after saying he ate a lot the night before.

Haha! Seonghwa accidentally put sugar on his eggs.

Hongjoong admitting he did some research on where they could go for the day. We all knew!

This is the opposite of the Lego live where Hongjoong was like 'I didn't wear my glasses because I thought you'd wear yours'

Hongjoong really isn't a morning person. And it's not even that early. He said they'd arranged to meet at 10am

Oh we have noticed!

Hongjoong be like 'I'm happy to just watch you do your thing'

JFC Seonghwa

Apparently you're not allowed to say YouTube on a YouTube video

God, are they like this all the time? Just kidding I know they are.

Poor Hongjoong is stressed already and they haven't even got to the train station yet

This is honestly so fascinating. I imagine most of the time their staff arranges everything they want to do for them so they don't have to worry about things like standing on a train for an hour because there's no seats.

Just like me when I'm travelling, especially in a country where English isn't the main language.

It's funny because when we did our Ateez trip we had one extrovert who was always 'I'll just ask someone' and two introverts who were like 'we can look it up on our phones/figure it out without speaking to someone'

And yet you still look great

Aww! Seonghwa being able to relax because Hongjoong has planned everything. I can relate. Usually I'm the one doing the planning and organising so when I don't have to it's great.

Oops apparently I'm at the image limit already and I've only watched 20 mins of this. Oh well, see you in a bit for part 2!

Part 2

[sixerstanley]

anon here

care to give us a "director's commentary"?

like if you could talk about the behind the scenes for a fic, what would you like to talk about. Any fic!

ooh thank you anon!

tbh it took me a while to pick a fic to do a director's commentary about, but i think I'll choose my multichap (how can i) say no to this!

directors commentary under the cut hehe

For the idea as a whole, i find it kinda funny because at this point when i came up with the idea, i was not really a teen stans era fan? theyve grown on me a LOT since then, but yeah i was like, i wanna write a fic where stan and ford experiment a bit, but are still pining? because i honestly love when they dont finally resolve things until post-canon, like thats my SHIT i LOVE pining so fucking much

So i remember thinking, well, what about kissing practice? there was a similar type of thing in @frondere's fic Forwards, Beckon, Rebound that rearranged my chemistry completely, with the teens "practicing" kissing, and that very much inspired this fic!

(i had also wrote a lil tumblr ficlet before i actually formally started this fic, i believe i named it "sealed with a kiss". it was only their first kiss though, and i reused it in the full fic!)

As far as some elements for the fic, i was also obsessed with the idea that like, there was something that made ford want to get some room from stan--something else that inspired him to want to go to college and go his separate way

and then i thought, if something went wrong during these lessons, or something related to them, then that would play along with canon events very well!

Stan says something super mean to ford in chapter 2: "People don’t need any more reasons to think you’re a freak!" in his defense, in his mind, stan is doing it out of protectiveness for Ford. the fight with the bullies really shook stan up, especially because they seemed to clock the two of them pretty well. this scared stan SHITLESS, and he truly doesn't want his dumb feelings to make things worse for ford, so he tries to call it off

Ford obviously doesnt take this well and eggs stan on until he snaps. HOWEVER. stan very clearly went too far--and immediately regrets it as soon as he says it.

I kinda wanted it to make it like, you as the reader can sympathize and understand where stan is coming from, but still see that was a low blow. I think they have a silent agreement that stan never calls ford a freak, so to hear that word come out of his mouth really shook him up and upset him.

so yeah, even after they make up at the beach, ford decides to take the pamphlet. In his mind, his feelings are suffocating both of them, and he needs to put some space between them.

Of course, i think this also makes ford's anger so much worse about the broken project because in his mind, stan rejected him. Stan told them they had to stop, and Ford was heartbroken. So when ford tries to do his own thing and thinks stan sabotaged him, YEAH. HES GONNA BE MAD. all of this is off screen of course, but i think its really interesting to consider.

As far as chapter 3, i was so excited to time skip to post canon--where theyre both pining but stan is still struggling with certain bits of his memories. i think again, i just love when theyre longing for each other for forever.

also the DREAMS! THE FLASHBACKS!!!!! they were so fun to write! Stan losing his damn mind and not sure if he should say anything and risk making everything worse.

And chapter 4, the return of carla >:) i love writing a jealous ford. i think stan is more likely to be jealous out of the two of them (crashing carla's boyfriend's car) but ford has like...that sad, jealousy, yknow? thinking hes not good enough, falling back into his insecurities. and of course, we had the infamous peanut butter and jelly comparison, and yeah, its clear that they can both be the jelly. but in fords mind, in that moment, he truly feels like stan might find someone else to spend the rest of his life with, while he only wants Stan

Stan has options--he doesnt.

And that's all ill say about that! Im still working on chapter 5, hoping i can wrap it up nicely with a neat lil bow.

Thank you for this ask! i honestly had way more to say than i thought i had! this was fun, thanks :)

if anyone wants any other commentaries about other fics, dont hesitate to ask!

[bi-hop]

my thoughts on rgu ep 3

we're baaaack! my previous posts are all now under my rgu liveblog tag

lord, here we go with the extended recaps even though it's only episode 3-

it's interesting how memory is being played with here with Utena. such a formative moment is reduced to a strange fairy tale, a piece of gossip with faceless characters. the only proof of it is vague recollections paired with a single physical piece of evidence: the ring. but said ring is also associated with other elements of the world that she is still not fully privy to... just hm

the running gag of Utena being like "you need a friend" and Chu Chu being like "?" and Anthy being like "?" amuses me but also doesn't... can't put my finger on why though so I'm just gonna note it down and circle back to it

the Utena-sama stuff is funny. like, oh, okay, it's fine when girls are admiring you from a distance because you can write it off as a joke, but a girl insisting she's engaged to you and referring to you reverently is when you're finally like "actually I desire men, I totally want to date a boy, the masculinity has nothing to do with being gay, I want a NORMAL BOY" OADJODSJODS OKAY SURE UTENA

Girl, you claim to want to date a guy and then a guy flirts with you and you're immediately like "let's keep it platonic, dude". alright-

^ NOT AT ALL IMPLYING ATTRACTION TO DUDES MEANS YOU'RE RECEPTIVE TO ALL ADVANCES. just kinda funny immediately following a scene where she's like "erm actually I'm totally straight! I am a heterosexual!!!"

"is the prince bi too. did he kiss all of the duelists orrrr..." - riveting commentary from the girlfriend. I have no stance on this, I just think he seems like a creep

communication? in MY anime? it's far less likely than you'd think. (Touga is annoying but what else is new)

the council finally clueing in to the fact that Utena is not in fact in contact with End of the World (whoever THAT is). Saionji is also hiding or something? good fucking riddance

Anyway, I think the use of a prince as the model Utena bases her appearance on and also simultaneously the vague object of her desire is compelling in a compulsory heterosexuality narrative because it's a perfect analogue to how some lesbians I know would simply invent an idealized guy to project feelings onto due to the insistence of heterosexuality as a regime that a girl MUST desire a man. the easiest man to desire is the one you only vaguely remember from your childhood and have no real chance of meeting-

can everyone just leave Anthy alone????

Nanami looks nice, but I've watched too many shows with blonde mean girls to trust that she really has Anthy's best interests at heart...

circling back to the girls and how they treat Anthy (which includes Wakaba of course because Wakaba is meant to be a window into what the other girls are thinking IMO), there's this continual theme of everyone viewing Anthy as like... this seductress almost who is ruining the lives of boys like Saionji over nothing. She's 'shameless', she's a 'creep', whole time she's being abused and treated as an object. the relatable brown woman of color experience, I fear

Touga: I don't care about Utena. I care about a feminized fantasy of her I have in my head, even though my attraction to her started with how she regularly dresses. This is because I can fix her aesthetic-

Anthy and her social anxiety... man... just let her sit in the dorm and play cards with Chu Chu

and sure enough, Nanami sabotages her out of misdirected jealousy. girl, you need to be freed of the idea that girls are competition for your brother's affection. also, you need to kill your brother. you will do this for me and become a feminist-

I'm not surprised that the retaliation against Anthy is called a prank that maaaybe went too far. I'm especially not surprised this commentary is directed towards a moment of sexual violence. ty to Utena for intervening

gay people be dancing on loop... that is all

fun episode! much to chew on! on to the next

[ace-oreos]

Dar Reads Lady Knight: Ch. 3

Finally back at it! This chapter covers a lot of ground considering it's fairly short, so I will probably have more to say than I did for the first two. As usual, commentary/favorite quotes are below the cut.

Love the Alanna and Neal moment on page 49... the whole "good question, next question" conversation. It would be super cool if we got a little short story of Neal's time as Alanna's squire. I can only imagine what that was like given their personalities.

"He said last night you're a bear for vegetables - Sir Nealan, that is" (pg. 50). Tobe's only been with Kel for a short time and Neal is already teaching him well, haha.

Cleon makes his entrance. I have to be honest, I'm happy with the decision Kel makes re: Cleon. She doesn't feel the same way she once did, and she knows it wouldn't be fair to either of them to try to continue the romance, Cleon's impending marriage aside. I was never a huge fan of Kel/Cleon, but I was glad Kel got to enjoy a healthy relationship while it lasted, considering how some of Alanna's relationships went.

"She didn't want Cleon as a lover now, of that she was sure. There was work to be done. She wanted no lovers until she had settled the Nothing Man's account" (pg 51). Not gonna lie, I really, really like these lines. There is work to be done, and devotion to duty has been the foundation of Kel's philosophy since day one.

I should note that I don't dislike Cleon as a character. He's doing the honorable thing by marrying someone in order to provide for the people he's responsible for as lord of Kennan.

I love the scene when Tobe asks Kel why she's crying, and her explanation: "It's not the war, Tobe. I've been shot at. I can bear it. I'm crying because my friend is unhappy and everything is changing." First of all, relatable. Second, I love the respect that already exists between Tobe and Kel - his first reaction isn't to make fun of her, but to sympathize.

Kel asking Duke Baird how he can still go and do his duty even after seeing the brutality of war firsthand makes me feel things. And his response that all he can do is his best. Ugh. Feels.

Baird asking Kel to keep an eye on Neal if they are assigned to the same post alsdkfj. Kel and Neal friendship 2kforever.

Owen's back! Gotta love Owen. The way he tries to be as formal as Wyldon trained him to be while still being irrepressibly Owen is so funny. What a gremlin.

Poor Kel, being worried that Wyldon doesn't trust her ability as a knight after all. If I were in her position, I'd probably feel the same about the possibility of getting a "safe" assignment. Especially since she knows that people will say she's not cut out to be a knight if she's not out on the front lines.

Kel and Wyldon's dynamic. Amazing. Wyldon has come so far since First Test, and Kel is willing to see that. I think anyone else would hold a grudge against Wyldon for the way he treated Kel if they were in her shoes, but she's willing to see past that.

Kel's going to do her duty if it kills her. This girl. I wish I could properly express what she means to me.

Mistress Fanche makes her entrance when Wyldon is showing Kel the refugees. Considering what she's been through, I don't think it would be fair to dislike her for her attitude.

"[Wyldon]'s happy, she realized, stunned. Training us - that was his duty. But he didn't like it. He's comfortable here, in the dirt and the cold, with people to defend" (pg. 70). I wonder if Kel realizes how similar she and Wyldon are when it comes to duty. She'll do whatever he orders, even if she privately disagrees or dislikes it, but at the end of the day she's happiest when there's hard work to be done.

The Kel and Owen moment at the end of the chapter. Kel's right - Owen is growing up well. They are 100% ride or die, and I am here for it. When Owen says he would do anything to help her, he means it. Kel hasn't had a lot of experience with that so far, what with several of her peers trying to sabotage her during her days as a page, so I imagine Owen's genuine loyalty must mean the world to her.

[mulders-too-large-shirt]

s2 episode 11 "excelsis dei" thoughts

okay!!!! i've kept you waiting long enough. now let's get into the things i liked about this episode while ignoring the stuff i didn't.

first. mulder walking into his office. and scully sitting there in the dark, watching a tape.

this had me HOWLING. how did she get in there? she keeps a key to his house and his office on hand at all times? the level of casualness with which he turned on the lights only for dana scully to be sitting in his office chair, as if it were the most natural of things in the world, floored me. she made herself welcome. she looks up and says hello.

then we get a little lore break to learn about the case and yeah yeah case stuff hold on. did she just say she got there at 6 am?

yes, you heard me correctly, she made her way into his office at 6 in the morning to watch the video and go through all of the related x files. i think i had tears in my eyes at this point and i definitely do now as i recount it. dana scully you are such a little weirdo and i love you so bad. i hope you enjoyed your time rummaging through his stuff. glad his space has really become yours as well.

and his entire lack of reaction to her being there pushed me even further over the edge. like, sure. at this point in their relationship, why not walk in to see her sitting at your desk and going through all your shit? the level of casual intimacy is at once so fucking funny and so heartwarming.

(a few weeks ago i was chatting with a friend about our top five favorite fictional characters, and i made the argument that scully and mulder ought to count as just one character for the sake of the ranking, because of how entirely they blend into one person. and her just being there when he opens the door- and having been there for hours at that point- really solidifies my reasoning. and i had made that argument BEFORE seeing any of s2, let alone this moment)

the next moment that had me laughing was when they went to the convalescent home (which wasn't a word i was familiar with before all of this) and our poor agents get stuck questioning a 74 year old man during his bath time. i already had a "oh noooo" feeling of dread about the whole situation- for how could the academy prepare them for this? and sure enough, he flashed them.

now, this was, like i mentioned in an earlier post, part of an attempt at social commentary that i could and might write an essay on- but let's set that aside here, and just deal with the fact that our poor agents have been put into such an awkward position, while understanding that the scene is being played for comedic value despite how awful that would be irl. because mulder smiles and says "thanks for sharing", while scully also bites back laughter. their faces at this moment had me laughing. it was such a "fuck my entire life" moment for both of them and i felt that extreme case of tv show-induced secondhand embarrassment.

and i think they handled it quite well!!! have we considered giving them a raise? for having to deal with all the haunted children and now creepy old men? god. their poor eyes. "thanks for sharing" stfu mulder... he cannot act seriously for ONE minute!!!!!!

there was another big ass coats moment when they walked outside and spoke with someone involved in running the program. and you know by now that's catnip to me!!!

one of the old men starts choking to death (he was taking mushroom pills he wasn't supposed to) and scully slips into Doctor Mode and it was deeply satisfying to watch. she starts saying fancy words and calling out for certain medications- "this man's in ventricular fibrillation, i need 75 milligrams of lidocaine and one amp of amphinephrine" and i'm sat there like yes. exactly right!!! she's doing serious doctor business!!!!

(i need to edit this image to make it appropriate for when her doctor mode takes over. because this is what i'm always referencing when i say someone is "shifting into ____ mode" and i don't think i've ever spelled that out before so i should here. have not seen seinfeld just saw this image one day and it permanently altered my vocabulary)

there's another moment where she's having a doctor-off with the dude who worked at the place and she said the line "the clinical benefits are marginal at best" and idk man i just like to see her doing her doctorly thing.

(she also gets very doctorly excited about the idea of there being improvements for incurable conditions such as alzheimer's and it's good to see some joy on her)

next thing that had me laughing:

"are you saying that the building's haunted? because if you are, i think you've been working with me for too long, scully" <- said in a flirtatious manner

don't remember what was going on at this point beyond someone had just fallen to death, but i wrote "another scully serving looks moment in the midst of tragedy" and i stand by it. this is really an epidemic. scully stop working angles in front of the dead... or don't because i'm not actually complaining <3

we also see mulder prowling down a dark and damp hall and cracking open a lock to break into a room. which seemed like a typical activity for a guy like him. literally just a tuesday in his life. he found a bunch of mushrooms and i made a frantic note reading along the lines of DO NOT TOUCH THEM because famously mushrooms WILL kill you but he seemed unharmed. thank god.

he's all, what if the mushrooms are what is helping the patients, and scully delivers this banger line: "mulder, mushrooms aren't medicine. they taste good on hamburgers, but they can't raise the dead"

which is 1. a hilarious fucking line just for its sheer ridiculousness, and 2. a critical insight into how scully orders her burgers... which i WILL be adding to my list of useless character facts

the episode winds down with mulder getting trapped in a room with rapidly rising water and we see the door SLAM right before scully can witness the ghosts tossing things about. and the commitment to that gag of her never actually seeing the paranormal stuff really got me there.

then, the door breaks due to the water, and everyone is soaking wet, which is always a good look.

overall, highlight of this episode to me was by far scully breaking into his office at 6 am. nothing will top that for me in terms of comedic value. it has become Her space now. she has claimed you mulder, there is no going back, you are in far too deep and thank god for that because you freaks deserve each other.

[arysguide]

a song a week: #8

I went to Emo Night yesterday and it dislodged a lot more teenage angst than I was prepared for. I'll be honest, I enjoy the music but it's not that nostalgic for me. I wasn't really that type of emo growing up. As a little girl I misguidedly really wished I could be scene, and I tried teasing my hair and spraying it with hairspray but it didn't accomplish anything, because I wasn't allowed to take a razor to it and give myself bangs. As a teen I was actually a lot more into Tyler the Creator, I listened to some Panic! At The Disco, then got into extreme metal, and I only really got the hype around My Chemical Romance after I graduated high school. So basically I'm a poser, but today I'm gonna talk about a song that some people consider emo:

(WOW) I Can Get Sexual Too - Say Anything (2003)

I only heard this song very recently and I've become obsessed with it. Somehow it felt instantly familiar, even though I'm certain I had never heard of it before.

This is douchebag music. In the mid-2000s it seems like acts from across the musical spectrum were trying to out-edge each-other with blatantly sexual and frankly misogynistic lyrics - but emo and pop punk bands got a particular reputation for overly whiny songs about women. At the same time it was tongue-in-cheek, sarcastic or, or, ironic, right? It's actually really funny and clever if you think about it, right? Because it's self-aware, that makes it almost kind of cute, no? For reference, see The Curse of Curves by Cute Is What We Aim For (2006), or Panic! At The Disco's Lying Is The Most Fun A Girl Can Have Without Taking Her Clothes Off (2005).

It wasn't just emo - check out any of the songs 3OH!3 released around this time. (I'll admit it - watching the music video for STARSTRUKK (2008) for the first time was a life-changing experience for me.) Blink-182's influence on the pop landscape surely had a lot to do with this development, here's a really good video about that by Trash Theory. And then of course there's the kings of self-deprecating rock, Weezer (dubbed losercore down bad music by NeoPunkFM).

Of course there's nothing new under the sun, there's plenty of classic rock songs about vapid and naive young women, sometimes explicitly about underage girls or groupies, countless songs about how libidinous and reckless young men are. What sets this wave of mid-2000s pop punk apart is the nudge and wink at social commentary - now you can dance along to a song about acting like a total dirtbag and giving into your basest impulse, but it's not "real", it's a caricature and not meant to be taken seriously. Sex still sells, but these bands had something to say about it. Sort of. By 2013, multiple articles had been written on this phenomenon of 'hipster sexism' - "also known as ironic sexism or liberal sexism, 'hipster sexism' is the notion that if sexism done is tongue-in-cheek it's okay, even hilarious (Kelsey Wallace for BitchMedia)." A lot of women weren't keen on laughing along because a lot of these dudes turned out to be card-carrying misogynists. It wasn't even just the men, plenty of songs of this era are by women about… how vapid or slutty other women are. (See Paramore's Misery Business (2007), complete with calling someone a wh*re, and a music video in which Hayley Williams grabs another woman's chicken filets right out of her bra and wipes off her makeup.) There was a hateful and resentful edge to it that seems like a bastardisation of the genre's distant punk roots. Plenty of better writers than me have explored the way that celebrity and tabloid culture of this time resulted in a media landscape that was intensely objectifying and hateful towards women, full of contradictions.

Let's back this up - how is any of this related to the song this post is about? I'm trying to figure that out myself.

Being familiar with the music I mentioned above, that's what I automatically associated this with. But it actually came out before any of those, in 2003. Is it really douchebag music? Or just a song that happens to be about a douchebag?

It's so catchy, and it paints a picture, it's funny but really dark: this guy knows he's pursuing a girl he doesn't care about, because he's bored, and he's willing to lie just to get what he wants - oh brother, this guy STINKS! I love that it's explicitly about phone sex, and the line about "chatting on the interweb," it feels quaint now. I also love the irreverence of : "When she described her underwear, I forgot all the rules the rabbi taught me in the old shul." Here's a great article on the Yiddishkeit of Say Anything. In fact, the song Alive With The Glory of Love is inspired by Bemis' grandparents who survived the Holocaust.

In contrast to some of the less lyrically-inspired songs that came after it, it's a lot more about how heartless and empty the guy is, rather than making the girl the butt of the joke. In short, it's actually good satire. If you're not convinced it's meant to be self-deprecating satire, the rest of the album 'Is A Real Boy' will beat you over the head with it for 21 tracks straight. … And maybe listening to it too much is making me meaner. The track 'Admit It!' lampoons the hipster attitude mercilessly, while indicating that the singer realises he's really no better than them. Too bad the hipsters didn't get the message. Being sincere and wholesome was out of vogue for, like, the next decade. At least now, years later, we can admit we enjoy cute cats, craft beers and retro music un-ironically without making a whole production about it.

All that being said, something a lot more important has shifted in the meantime. Misogyny is decidedly uncool now, at least as far as mainstream pop is concerned. The late 2010s pop landscape seemed to be all about feminist and #girlboss moments. The 2017 #MeToo movement caused a lot of people in the entertainment industry to re-examine their role in creating an environment that is safe (or unsafe) for women. Jesse Lacey of Brand New was accused of sexual misconduct against an underage girl, which he did not deny. In light of that, Max Bemis chose to retire this song, writing on Twitter "It may speak partially of my flaws but it's mostly a sarcastic caricature of someone i've never been at all and is no longer appropriate during this crisis", "we all need to care more, respect women more, respect ourselves more and GIVE A SHIT" and finally: "On a lighter, but direly important note, i don't want to hear about not hearing that song for the FIVE BILLIONTH time this tour from us because it's not REALLY on is a real boy. it now belongs to you, official emo night. go have fun." (For the full thing see this AltPress article.)

So where does that leave us? If even Max Bemis himself disavowed this song, why am I still so compelled by music like this? Does that make me a bad feminist? Is it an internalised misogyny thing? Yeesh. I'm still not totally sure. There's something fascinating to me about the vulgar display of selfishness in this song - it feels like the ultimate taboo. Everything about the way I've dealt with sex and relationships is incredibly neurotic, so there's something cathartic about pretending to be someone without any of those hangups for 3 minutes at a time. It confronts me with my own impulses towards selfishness, and ways I've been selfish in relationships in the past. It's a cautionary tale that works both ways: a) there's something seductive about the idea of behaving so recklessly but you better be prepared for the guilt that comes with it, and b) if I was the girl in this song I would really despise this guy.

These YouTube comments express it a lot more succinctly than I have:

At this rate I'll be heading for electric chairs I'm only human with my cross to bear When she described her underwear I forgot all the rules my rabbi taught me in the old shul You're too young to be this empty girl I'll prepare you for a sick, dark world Know that you will be my downfall But I call, and I call, and I call

For a longer and more informed discussion of some of the things I mentioned: check out The Misogyny of Third Wave Emo and Pop Punk on the Podcast 'Stuff Mom Never Told You'.

[tackyink]

Hello 🥰 here I come after 3 main quest and 543 side quests!! Just to give you commentary of the last chapter/jjjj

(I know you said I didn't have to obligatorily leave a comment, but I really enjoy it and feel a bit frustrated with myself if I promise/say something and end up not doing it ajshajsha I guess it's a matter of principle)

Uuhh, big spoilers ig if someone who hasn't already read last chapter does read this ????

KUWABARA MY LOVE! I love how you write him (who am I kidding, I love how you write the main cast, and the side characters and the antagonists and the—) like, he is so sweet?? But also very impulsive. Which ends up being very endearing if not a bit embarrassing (but like, second hand and not by a lot). I can relate to his want to have his favourite series finished, but also that Wakaba's agency is shitty and they treated her like,, real bad.

On the other hand I feel so bad for Wakaba :( I imagine that if you end up doing a series you want to end it the best way possible so the fact that she had to sacrifice years of work just because her agency did what they did... I hope she can finish it--

The whole chapter was super nice and the pacing was good, in the sense that it felt imminent that the secret was going out. I liked a lot the way Kurama was a bit flustered (I guess, with Kurama being Kurama?) when Kuwabara went barging in lol

Also!!! THE GIRLIES ARE HERE. I love them. Togashi should have given them so much more screentime!!!! Yukina my beloved aaaaa I'm looking forward to the shenanigans now that they are there.

But for the most shocking part of the chapter (for me) HIEI. SHORT KING. I truly wasn't expecting him at all?? I knew you would introduce him at some point but I definitely didn't think it would be in that chapter, you were truly spoiling us. He came all the way because he was worried about Yukina, and Wakaba's first and only reaction after all that had happened to her that week was: Do I get another futon?

She has me rolling ajshajsha there is something about deadpan characters = comedic relief that's very true. I think it's the essence of your characters, being effortlessly funny without trying lol I'm always happy when I read one of your stories 💞

I don't have much more to say, I was saving some comments for the ao3 but I don't think I will make it before you update the next one lolol uni's tfg is killing me already in October, I don't want to see myself in May ajsgajsvshws oTL

Anyways if I remember anything else I wanted to comment on, I will send you another ask filled with love 🫶

I hope you have a super nice next week!!! 🤗

Full disclosure, I've been having a couple of crappy weeks health wise and haven't worked on ALC since I posted chapter 6, but in the spirit (haha see what I did there) of the holiday I promise I'm going to spend the afternoon of the 31st and the 1st editing just so you can read it before you graduate also holy shit, where has time gone???

You know, you've made realize parallels between this and the situations that pop up in fandoms when someone involved in production is revealed to have done something awful. I think it's natural to go "NOOO MY BLORBOS" when you're invested, those feelings can't come at the expense of the people who've been harmed, and Kuwabara's 100% the type to prioritize people, no matter how disappointed he may be. I would be gutted if I were in Wakaba's shoes as well - nobody wins in this situation, except the publishing house that's raking it in thanks to the controversy.

I feel she's getting better though, having so many people around and a mystery to unravel hasn't left her a lot of time to be miserable. Another unexpected guest? Sure, whatever, she'll set up another bed, what difference will it make at this point. Maybe this will end up being a blessing in disguise. Maybe.

Thanks so much as always for sending these asks. ❤ They make my day every time. Best of luck with that TFG!

[m1ckeyb3rry]

LMAOOO no because Nagi’s blanket is FLYING off the bed I can just see it there’s no way that man doesn’t wake up looking like he went through the five stages of grief

SHDGSHS im very excited hehe I know your lineup of fics is gonna be scrumptious

Omg I remember mass feeding my dragons and seeing them transform into adults like WHAT IS THAT fountain of youth for the win I specifically remember getting the ouroboros dragon leveling it and being like what the fuck is that nightmare fuel and throwing it into the fountain

Honestly so real for that LMAO I could see yuki picking peach too for whatever reason LMAOAOA

OOO wait I was NOT aware that’s what sheik was because I haven’t played any of the Zelda games or dived into the lore I only really know them by name LMAO omg wait that’s so cool though and I can def see Otoya picking sheik then LMAOAOA on a related note I remember getting Mr.game and watch once via the random selector and I kept falling off the field HAHAHA definitely not for the weak LMFAOOO I FORGOT THE WII FIT TRAINER EXISTS thats actually so hilarious I definitely remember the Wii fit battlefield setting though I’d always push people to the very edge with Charizard and just slam them out of bounds

Also OMW TO READ NOW SHDGSJXJSJ will return with commentary o7

-Karasu anon

that one epinagi chapter where he wakes up w his shirt is half off and his limbs everywhere…i know what you are nagi (the world’s most problematic sleeper)

THERE’S SO MUCH I PLAN ON POSTING SOON!! since i just updated hollyhock i’m back in request mode hehe which means next up are some hiori oneshots i think?? also at some point i want to try writing smth for yukimiya even though no one requested for him because how can i claim to be a tabieitaKEN fan without writing anything for yuki 😭💔 plus he has even less stuff out abt him than karasu and otoya so yk i have to contribute 😓

the flower and poison dragons were my first heartbreaks…they’re sooooo cute as babies but WHAT are those adult forms 😒

HAHA i haven’t played zelda either but when i first played smash w my best friend i pulled up a list of all of the female characters (like i said i only play as girls) and sheik was on there so i played as her for a bit and my best friend (who has played zelda) told me the lore. tbh i didn’t like playing sheik that much which is why i moved on to zero suit samus but she just has such otoya vibes that i know in my heart he’d pick her LMAOAO also the wii fit trainer is so ANNOYING to play against but also so funny because it’s so random?? tbh smash in general is such a random game 😭

I’M GOING TO GO RESPOND TO YOUR COMMENTARY NOW HEHE 🫡

[dropthedemiurge]

I was quite busy making all the posts after LFLS bluray with behind the scenes and commentary got into my hands but now I'm back! Eager to rant about one of my favourite episodes in the show!

= My theory about debuffs is really that there's only one valid Affection level that Myungha as a player can operate on: Yeowoon's Affection Level towards him. Of course, we've seen a very sad scene where it was shown that Yeowoon had -100 AL for himself but that was a hint-reward from the game, meanwhile Myungha actively works to collect Affection points from Yeowoon, and the debuffs happen because of negative points + the scale depends on how much into negative points Myungha is (comparing the strange leaf debuff with -5 or smth to him losing conscience on stairs here at -99, just like you guessed right).

And still, Yeowoon didn't hate him as much as he hated himself, 99 vs 100 :')) Fun fact: director said they also used -99 specifically to indicate the affection level scale to viewer, if it'd be -100 you could wonder whether it also can go -200 -300 or else.

I actually wonder what are your headcanons about why Myungha had such a destructive intimidating reputation of a fighter before :]

I'm going to put the rest under the read more so we don't hurt people's wrists when they scroll down xD

= Episode names are related to missions! In direct and non-direct way^^ 발전 means improvement, progress, development but not "gamedev" specifically, game development would be 개발. It's actually interesting how there's a perfect word that works with extra double meaning effect in English! Here, imo the title means again Myungha's progress with Yeowoon, with Yeowoon finally going into positive affection level and becoming his 'upgraded' clingy version.

= I actually don't remember the scene of hopping the wall well because I never noticed how Myungha actually had a cast(?) on his left leg. But he's clearly wearing it in bts video. (and I finally had an answer how Yeowoon could worry about Myungha's leg just by looking at it under the table and not hearing from others)

Ehem, I went to find the bts video and got distracted by the actors being absolutely cute and hilarious in their adlibs (Also there was a funny moment when Taevin thought a bug flew into his "cast" and he freaked out shaking his leg lol). Ehem, I'm back. And I guess he might've just sprained his ankle a little bit.

Sangwon, my beloved<3 I absolutely ADORE his smug "Hi~" every time. That's such a brilliant little detail from the actor that gives this character such fun personality. Also fun fact from cast interviews: Minsu (Sangwon's actor) would keep talking to director even right after they finish script reading, and he'd write a lot of in-depth analyse notes about his character, that's why Sangwon is so charming and he's not a simple third wheel love blocking side character like in many other shows.

= The "disease" in Korean is used in casual speech a lot. I'm not sure why were you looking for a different translation, but it's something like 'illness, being sick'. Any obsessive trait can be a 'disease/illness'. It's also often used in phrase like 'celebrity disease' (when you're full of yourself and think you're the biggest star), or being too nosy, or thinking the world revolves around you (that's the same word that Myungha said about Kyunghoon's sister at first when she thought he might be interested in her).

[Very random offtop: I also love roasting/teasing humor (with no negative feelings) with my friends, and I grew up in such companies - with all engineers and IT people in school and uni who love a good intellectual or worplay or simply witty jab, it was so joyful to bicker and everyone knew it wasn't serious - but then I reunited with my best friend since elementary school who went to study humanitarian and philology in uni. And I'm not trying to stereotype guys vs girls or tech vs culture, btw - she said her uni classmates were full of vicious sarcastic subtext or roasting each other and it felt like bullying. So for a couple of years we constantly hurt each other because our ways of communicating meant very different things, it took some adjusting. Which is a life lesson but also - I definitely feel you wanting more of this fun bickering energy in your life!]

>The show isn't really SAYING any of this at the moment. <

That's the fun part! This show is actually saying a lot on the level under the surface, and you can trust a lot of things that slowly get connected, like Sangwon being dismissed by his mom at school and immediately seeing Yeowoon with new shoes, to him rolling his eyes to the sky and skipping school to support Yeowoon (because it probable made him feel bad). A lot of scenes are connected to each other with invisible thread, CG and props, it's hard to tell if you don't know the language but there's also a lot of throwbacks/connections in the words they use; the way the actors use microexpressions in important scenes - it's also all very deliberate job that took them long analysis and in-depth thoughts as they shared... Which is not me saying all your headcanons are correct, I'm just saying if you want to guess something based on reactions – you should stop doubting yourself because there are almost no random choices or sloppy editing/acting decisions and this show doesn't feel the need to spell out every single thing to a viewer - but not to the point where you get confused :D Feel free to go wild with theories and interpretations! I love how you're already doing that.

= I would actually love seeing other people's affection of me above their heads, feels like a very useful thing that can save a lot of anxiety and stress that comes with communication's vague nature...

Yes! Blue shoes and Yeowoon changing his behavior so drastically also made me feel like it's a new evolution, character level up and unlocking of new interactions/etc :D Btw I'm not sure if you noticed or just wrote your reaction post this way, but Affection Level actually changed from 0 to 1 right when Yeowoon crossed the finish line. That's why Myungha had such an interesting relief-hope-joy face despite Yeowoon coming in third (yeah, subs were weird). Taevin said he thought a lot what should character feel and express, finally seeing Affection level going from 0 to 1.

And yes, Yeowoon starts talking more about romance too, implying about his hidden feelings and trying to stop Myungha from causing them if he doesn't mean it.

Director said the four characters eating together is her favourite scene in the show (if you don't count romance specifically) and I fully agree. The bickering! The caring! The love of friendship and found family! The romantic notes!

I already tagged you in my linguistic posts but briefly, Sangwon talks respectfully to Myungha but sometimes he slips and there's a form of question that can feel a bit rude, especially if you don't add honorific ending, and that's why Yeowoon was already 'hey, watch your tone!' over just one phrase, and Sangwon said 'did I talk rudely to you?" - "be rude (speak informally) only with me" - "I am already rude with you!" this is SO HILARIOUS I love all of them. It's perfectly normal between same age people tho, so it's not like Sangwon and Yeowoon are too rude to each other as well, frenemy perfectly describes them xD

= Yes, the guys were talking about Myungha 'leaning' on them or help holding him so he doesn't put more strain on his hurt leg. Hold him up? I wonder what'd be the best alternative in English.

= ALSO I JUST WANT TO SAY. YOU'RE A GENIUS!! I've never noticed the butterflies in the script or Myungha's journal, and I've been rewatching this show for so many times (I blame the poor quality of available videos online but now I got bluray discs and damn I can even see each scar and stubble on Myungha's face). I loved your interpretations - I know of different symbolism for butterflies so it was interesting to see your side of knowledge! There was also a flower in this Senior & Myungha in a Bar location at the very first episode, not sure if it's seen now, but it also had a nice meaning (which I forgot but I can look it up once you finish this show).

Yes, the questions are what Myungha gave his answers to and what pop up in the game! I think I also translated some of them - or maybe I can do it when I rewatch the show in better resolution if you're curious xD Not all of them appear as game elements/missions.

(also one stab for your roommate for breaking the glass you liked)

= It's funny how the translation was a bit weird but you interpreted it correctly in your reaction. Senior has said "the world happiness is a bit too vague, so the standard is important" (aka what exactly will make you or someone else happy? how do you measure or decide the happiness is reached or found? In a game, you need to gather or reach a specific quote for developers to announce that mission is completed).

Also offtop, this talk made me remember a moment from my other fandom that I really love – when after many hardships iKON released a song that was loved by entire country and it won "song of the year" award. leader B.I gave a speech and said "The word happiness is too vague, so I hope you guys feel like it is worth living every day". I don't know why but this phrase stuck with me and I felt the same gentle hope in Senior's words to Myungha. What is the standard of happiness to you? What small things can make you feel like every day is worth living?

You get it in your reaction, so I don't need to add anything else :D Actually, if you know Korean, you can guess what Senior tells Myungha next even with muffled effect. It doesn't feel like a huge spoiler or critical information to me, so I can tell you in replies if you want to continue theorizing? Or you can simply continue watching the show :D

= Tbh, Myungha was weirded out a little bit in first episode, to me he just strikes as a person who quickly adapts to situations - as we see him immediately get part-time jobs or quickly come up with white lies on the spot. But him not remembering who the senior is exactly adds a lot of fun mystery that surrounds the game and the debuffs and vague missions. I wish I could theorize about Myungha and the show ending but I know the direction the show is going to, so I might have to omit it x)

I didn't actually notice video game sound in the scene with Kyunghoon! :0 I might have to rewatch LFLS once again *fake reluctant sigh* There is constant waterish muffled sound though when Myungha transitions from game world to his memories/real world, it sounds the same every time, I think, yeah!

Again, to me Myungha didn't feel guilty for lying but rather it was the bittersweet feeling of not having enough time, he's reminded again about some threat looming over him if he doesn't finish the mission in time so he can't really join Kyunghoon in joyfully planning hangouts in university. (because of how connected the scenes are one after another, penalty reminder > countdown > and then talking about future. LFLS really loves to hit us with the bitter layer in fun scenes huh)

Again, I tagged you in my retranslation/explanation for the fighting scenes with bullies for Myungha and Sangwon so I'm going to skip my comments but I love you pointing out how Kyunghoon is stepping out to protect Myungha! It really feels like an important change, and I didn't connect the dots fully before. Remember how Yeowoon also said he wants Myungha to lean on him and to be equal, while Myungha came in as everyone's protector ? Yeah. I LOVE THEM ALL

How much would you bet that blondie Joonho is actually closeted?xD With the way he reacts fiercely about any implications - very homophobic but something in those also tells me he could be contemplating this kiss and how it felt somewhen when he's alone and doesn't have to pose as Big Bad Bully :D My own headcanon lol

Or do other people see this as just a friendly interaction? Because things would not end well if my friend rubbed my head and used that tone with me. I'd see it as condescending for sure.

That's so fascinating! To me, Myungha gently patting Yeowoon's nape was a sign of care and teasing, he's like 'uwu yes, you're big and strong and will kill everyone for me'. Like you'd say to a kid who's making great great promises and really insisting they'd get you a moon for your next birthday. Like, it's very affectionate but not seriously believing in Yeowoon's words. Which can be seen as condescending but I don't read it at that level at all, there's no malice in his words or gesture that could make Yeowoon feel bad or offended - in my view. Maybe he'll pout a little because Myungha still can't step down from his guardian pedestal.

But it does feel like he's out of the loop. It feels more like he's invading their space. He's not part of the hierarchy of this group. The uniforms vs. plain shirt is visually depicting that as well.

I'm actually still contemplating Sangwon's role himself. On one hand, in first episode the gang boys said 'we should let Sangwon know when we're about to ambush someone cuz he doesn't like when we're doing things beside his back' which makes it feel like he's the true leader, and he was sitting down on a rooftop watching the bullying unfold after he was just hanging out with Kyunghoon, but also here it seems like he just comes and goes as he pleases, maybe looking for entertainment or respect from others, and the real chaos and fighting and bullying always comes from Joonho and the track boys he enables. (I just noticed everyone is looking at Sangwon with 'how dare you?' eyes and only Joonkyung is looking at his blondie brother in a worry. He does seem like he was an actual friend of Sangwon)

The bi lighting of Sangwon when he hears about the kiss and admits he has gay feelings himself!! Fascinating, isn't it? Tbh, in first script reading Minsu had a different reaction with the same words. When Joonho said "What the hell are you saying? (being on Myungha side and not his) You're not even a faggot." and in the show, Sangwon tilts his head and goes "I am a faggot, though?" but in first script reading it was more like Sangwon laughed at first and then self-realization came right at that moment (I can't post video in reblog but I'll try to describe). Same words, but with different intonation the translation would be "Faggot... that's me, though?" Which made me go feral, because the way he said the line give very different energies, and I kinda love that we didn't get 'Oh.' moment but instead got the badass unapologetic confession about his feelings like there's nothing shameful. Anyway, legendary moment.

In Korean, there isn't truly clear 'Si' sound, somehow it always comes with an "h", like 'Shi' so both Shia and Sia is correct in transcription, subtitles probably just didn't have glossary to write the name the same way every episode. The S sounds with a/y/i/e also why I'm struggling because my nickname in my Korean company has both clear "Sa" and less clear "Sha" but they don't have direct 'sha'! They always pronounce it as "shya/shia" and it drives me insane cuz it sounds like a 3yo kid says my name but it's my 50+yo boss.

Anyway, I have to go out in 10 minutes again so I'll try to wrap up quickly (why does it always take me a couple of hours to write my own comments on your comments lol? I'm sorry)

Yeowoon said that he's annoyed. Myungha says "he's been rude lately". Did he drop honorifics?

Yes, he did! Or more like, not honorifics this time, he says "You're annoying, Tae Myungha". And you don't address someone older than you in their full name without any honorific suffixes! It should be Myungha-hyung or Myungha-sunbaenim, but Yeowoon pouts and says "TAE MYUNGHA" imagine your parents scolding you by using your full name. Seriously, Yeowoon cares a lot about being polite to Myungha (to the point that he very rarely closes the distance and calls Myungha Hyung instead of Senior (unlike Sangwon who started immediately claiming Hyung)), he only drops to informal speech when Myungha keeps the distance despite all Yeowoon efforts to get closer (like when he asked who hurt Myungha and Myungha joked away, or the same here)

It's a bit of a kabedon moment with the tree. I'm enjoying it, because as confident as Myungha was when he kissed Joonho, he's not confident at all here. He's flustered.

LMAO FUN FACT Taevin specifically clarified that he has to close his mouth with a hand when Yeowoon kabedons Myungha against the tree, and immediately in the very first take he totally forgot to cover his mouth and just kept staring in Yeowoon's eyes like 🥺 and then tried to explain it as he was too surprised by the advances, oh boy, he's also down bad, even more than his own characters xD (again, can't put videos on tumblr reblog sigh...)

The messages will definitely appear again but also you made me cry with 'no trail that brings me to you.' too т___Т it's so bittersweet and sad but also beautiful.

I also have never known any symbolism for seagulls. Not in Korea, not in my own country. It's so interesting, I should definitely research more to see whether your interpretation has any meaning for Korean people!

Yeowoon says he now understands why Myungha likes the sea. Did Myungha say he liked the sea? I don't remember that. 🤔 It could be in an earlier episode, or I could have overlooked it.

I feel like they might've cut it out from the script later (let me consult my script book in Korean that I also bought - why do I feel ashamed but also ehem. I will check.) Because I'm also sure they didn't outright say Myungha liked sea but also the question "Sea or Mountains?" is a very popular 'personality division' question in Korea so it could be implied in the moment when Yeowoon says he likes mountains and wants to climb one (meaning Myungha preferred the second option).

I'm laughing at how much you're thinking whether the sound is water or not or if it means something or not xD Oh, to be obsessed with details~ I think this show is not specifically color coded too (but Myungha does always wear black shirt under his school uniform unlike others) but I might be wrong...

Let's gooo learn about Sangwon a bit more in the next episode! 👀👀 I will patiently wait for your next reaction~

Catching Up: Love for Love's Sake (Ep 4)

Other Reacts: Ep 1 Ep 2 Ep 3

Yes, it's 3:15 in the morning. Yes, I have to work tomorrow. No, I can't even sleep in because I have to interview a potential intern at 9 am. Plus, the kids will be home with me too since it's a school holiday. I don't care. I'm starting episode 4 anyways.

And yay! We've went back to the fight. I was hoping we would find out more about what happened.

Is this a new way for them to do the subtitle for "debuff/curse". I guess that's fine so that people who don't understand gaming get it. It feels a little late in the game for that though. Still, I loved this screenshot, because you can see the transition that's a bit gamified. And the purple aura energy is showing up on Yeowoon's arm.

We didn't have any debuffs last episode so I guess the debuff really does relate to affection of Myungha and not Yeowoon's personal affection. Fine. I'll exit my clown car theory about the debuffs....for now. Outside of my clown car, it makes sense that the debuff would show up now since Myungha's affection level just plummeted.

Myungha absorbs the debuff. Yeowoon is left in shock. He definitely is feeling rejected/slighted at this point.

Myungha is dragging Sangwon through the halls. Sangwon says "I'm not a kid." I'd be careful Sangwon. That line of thinking means he can hit you. I know Myungha knows how to fight, but I do wonder more and more every episode about "why" he fought. I'm already developing a lot of head canons on that score. Maybe we'll find out eventually though.

He's not going to hit him (not that I thought he ACTUALLY would anyways), because we now have a ringing sound. I'm guessing the debuff is having an effect. He absorbed all the bad purple energy, and it was STRONG this time base on his -99. Was the -99 in red last episode? If not, it should've been. Sorry, random thought.

Myungha falls down the stairs.

I've given up on the episode names being strictly related to missions. The gamer in me though is going to retranslate this as "progress". That feels better in gamification terms. Especially if it's talking about progress in the mission quest. I obviously have no clue whether that is right. Wait. Unless they're talking about aspects of the game being "in development" like new code/levels being written or the story being redeveloped/changed. Hmm. That actually feels likely. We'll stick with development.

KYUNGHOON! You're back. I missed you so much. I'm guessing they're having to skip class to go to the competition. Apparently, Myungha has hurt his leg. Kyunghoon struggles to get over the wall. Based on how Myungha hopped the wall, I'm guessing it's the right leg that's hurt. But Myungha's leg obviously wasn't THAT badly hurt. It didn't look like he tried to favor one leg more in the landing. Guess that could depend on the type of injury though. My perspective is probably skewed. I've dislocated kneecaps more times than I wish to recount. I definitely wouldn't have made it over the wall shortly after one of those times. My personality is such though that I'd have doubled down and probably hurt myself more while trying. Lol.

Sangwon is waiting on the other side of the wall. I loved his "hi". Kyunghoon asks if he was waiting. Myungha says it's a "disease". It works, but I wonder if there is a different translation of that word. They've used it several times. It was also used in a very similar way during Secret Relationships ("being nosy is a disease").

Sangwon says he was just late to school. It's coincidence that they met up. I love that he's somewhat "talking back" to Myungha. But I also have a very sarcastic/roast style sense of humor. These types of exchanges always make my day. I wish I had more of that energy in my life.

Kyunghoon asks about the shoes, and Sangwon realizes that he had made a mistake. I didn't mention it last episode as the post was already getting really long. But my guess is that Sangwon was upset about the shoes, because he thought that his mom gave them to Yeowoon. His mom had just been to the school after all, and it appears like they have a complicated relationship. I'm guessing there's a lack of affection there too based on Sangwon's reactions to Myungha's signs of care. This is all conjecture on my part. The show isn't really SAYING any of this at the moment.

But now he knows the shoes weren't from his mom. It's okay Sangwon. I made several bad calls in the last episode too. Sangwon decides to follow.

And just like that, we have a gaming party embarking on a quest.

Our trio notices that Yeowoon is standing instead of taking his place on the blocks. Is he wearing the blue shoes? It looks like it. Myungha is still outside of the love supremacy zone, but he yells Yeowoon's name. I'm taking note that his number is 251 just in case it pops back up at some point. I loved the sound effect as the camera circled around and Yeowoon realized his name was being called.

Yeowoon is recalculating his affection, and the number starts moving up fast. Lol. This feels very much like love indeed. Highs and lows and emotional turbulence. Some might say that's the fickle nature of teenage affection. I'd say that doesn't ever really change. But maybe that's just the nature of my personal relationship talking. Maybe it'd help if we had affection scores above our head so we'd both know when we screwed up. On second thought, I don't think I'd want to know my score. That feels like a recipe for disaster.

Yeowoon takes his place at the blocks with magic sparkles coming off of his blue shoes. The affection level keeps rising.

If this wasn't a "game", the new shoes would be disastrous in a competition. But as I've thought about it, I actually like that this feels like an equipment upgrade in a game. Higher tier equipment immediately leads to better outcomes in a game assuming you have the skills to use it.

The music reminds me of late 90s/early 2000s movies. I kind of love it since we're panning across Sangwon and Kyunghoon's faces, and it feels like a friend montage moment out of one of those types of "high school" movies. Ah nostalgia.

Affection level is back at 0. The subtitles say Yeowoon is second, but I'm guessing he's actually third. They announced two other names before him.

Yep, he's third place based on the next part of the dialogue. Myungha says he did well. Yeowoon is crying, but Myungha definitely doesn't understand the reason. Yeowoon is trying to figure out why Myungha is nice to him.

Poor boy is definitely dealing with romantic feelings now. I'm loving the romance driven emotional angst of it all. This is my cup of tea.

The coach interrupts. Yeowoon is still emotional, but Myungha says he'll wait. They can eat together afterwards. Yes, please do. I'm always going to be down for a shared meal.

Yay! Our whole crew is EATING together! And Yeowoon is smiling.

Yeowoon tells Myungha to eat too and gives him food. OMG - our affection level has crossed the zero threshold. We're now at 5. And it keeps climbing as he keeps giving Myungha food. Lol. Kyunghoon tells Myungha to eat slowly and Sangwon's face is priceless! He seems absolutely disgusted by Yeowoon's actions. We end on an affection level of 17 for now.

Sangwon and Yeowoon are bickering. I love it. so. much. Frenemy relationships are the best. I'm looking forward to seeing how this develops moving forward.

For those that like talks about linguistics, they said a bit about honorifics too. If I followed it correctly, Sangwon used more casual speech with Myungha and Yeowoon didn't like it. I could be mistaken though. Myungha really is the exasperated parent here. Lol. Cutie Kyunghoon helps Myungha out. He is worried that Yeowoon's feet might hurt since he ran with new shoes.

Yeowoon says he's fine, but he asks what happened to Myungha's leg.

🤣 This pout had me dying. For the game aspect, it really is like now that his "affection level" has went up, it's unlocked all kinds of new dialogue/expression options.

I wonder if Myungha realizes that his leg getting hurt was due to the purple energy. He's a smart cookie. I bet he's figured that out.

This whole scene just put me in a good mood.

Yeowoon offers to help "hold" Myungha. I'm betting there's a better translation of that. Kyunghoon used the term earlier too. I bet it has to do with letting Myungha lean on him or something like that rather than "hold" as I typically interpret. Myungha says he fine.

Yeowoon wants Myungha to rely on him too. This is a tricky situation. Yeowoon wants them to be EQUALS, but Myungha is definitely going to struggle with that. Myungha has taken on a caretaker role, and while those things aren't mutually exclusive, it can make things complex.

Yeowoon asks how Myungha knows his (shoe) size. Myungha says he let the fan (sis) pick it out, and that she wants to meet Yeowoon. Yeowoon doesn't seem happy about Myungha hanging out with her often, but he agrees to meet up with Si-a.

Yeowoon has essentially walked Myungha home. He tells him thank you which Myungha teases him about. But he says it again and leaves.

The entry light starts flickering and there are some jarring sounds. Ominous music plays, and Myungha's head is hurting.

OOOOOOH. It WAS development like "game in development". Exciting.

We're back at the bar from episode 1. Senior is asking Myungha questions.

I first noticed the three butterflies in the corner of the paper. It shouldn't be a surprise given my blog name that I'm likely to notice butterflies. They're a symbol of transformation and personal growth. Actually, they have different stages of development just like a game. A butterfly's development requires they insulate themselves from the world and focus on changing themselves before they can emerge in their final form. I don't know whether that has anything to do with this show or not though.

But these questions are interesting. Yes, I used my phone to translate. Though it kept giving slightly different translations depending on the angle I held it, I think I got the gist of it. One of the things says "like minded friends" which was what the quest said in episode 2. If I remember correctly, that was in Myungha's hand writing. So is senior having Myung-ha essentially write the game levels? I had said in an earlier episode that this was really a quest for Myungha's own happiness as well.

It WAS his writing. I love this shot. It feels like a magic dungeon with the candles and lighting. The shape of the glass is nice. I think it's a glencairn whiskey glass. Actually no. The base is wrong. It doesn't matter. The glass itself is probably not symbolic. I just find certain types of glassware pretty. As a fun side note, I used to drink everything (soda, milk, etc.) out of a red wine glass that I got while dumpster diving in college. I loved that beautiful glass. My roommate eventually broke it "on accident", but said it was "probably for the best" so that people didn't think I was drinking alcohol. Fun times 🙄.

It's late/early. I'm rambling. *Focus brain*

Senior is in white as the "heavenly" being with the power. Am I supposed to trust him? I don't. But it feels like he's God/angel coded.

"Will there be happiness to 29 year old Tae Myungha?"

"So the standard is very important." says Senior.

Myungha doesn't hear him clearly, and we can't hear his next line clearly either. He's muffled as if he's under water. It's the same sound as when he first entered the game world.

This feels important, and it feels mistranslated. Or at least like it was translated without the needed nuance. I need to pause anyways. I'm tired enough that I know I'll miss details if I keep going tonight.

(pause)

Ok. I've slept a few hours and hung out with the kids for a bit. I've mulled it over. I'm guessing that senior is really meaning that Myungha needs to be very careful about what goals/words he's using. Happy is a pretty vague term. I actually walked down the aisle to a song called "Different Kinds of Happy" from the movie Sweet Land. The idea/theme in that movie is that happiness can take different forms and mean different things to different people. In a game, if you don't have a clearly defined objective, then it's going to be difficult to meet it. So what does Myungha actually mean by "happy"?

But Myungha "can't hear" what senior is telling him. Myungha, and us by extension, are missing a critical piece of information. I'm guessing it has to do with the standard/clearer objective or that it's a warning of some kind.

We're back in the video game world. Myungha is looking at his notes.

AND OMG - YES! HOORAY! A time jump/alternate world that GETS how problematic it is for a 29 year old to be suddenly back in high school. The dialogue is clearly establishing that he IS 19 in this world. It's how I had resolved it mentally myself in episode 2. I love it when my head canons become actual canon.

Anyways, it's a good question. What CAN he do? Because "making someone happy" on a identity level scale really isn't easy. I would argue that it's not actually possible. That they have to strive for their own happiness as they accept themselves. It's not just circumstances that's driving Yeowoon's mental disdain for himself. New shoes are great, but they're not a long term solution. When you're dealing with suicidal ideation the other person has to "want" to live. A lot of times they don't even realize it until the moment. Yeah, it wasn't my grandfather's first attempt before he succeeded. My brother's neither. So far my brother has always decided he wanted to live and sought help in time.

I love that Myungha is being smart about this. He goes "What does he WANT me to do?" If you're playing a game, that's an important question. It's anticipating the game maker's design. I am noticing that the butterfly is on the journal paper here. But it's only one this time, and it's in the top right corner instead of the bottom corner.

Now THAT'S interesting. He doesn't remember "senior". There are a lot of fun implications in this development, but I'll have to stop for now. It looks like my husband has got off of work early today. It's a national holiday. I should've expected it. This will have to wait until after everyone is asleep tonight. I didn't get very far in this session, but it's fine. I really should've been working/writing anyways. I have five scripts due in the next two weeks.

(pause)

Well...the emoji tag game happened, and I got a wee bit carried away with it. I loved it so much. But then my brain was broke so it's taken a few days to get back here.

The fact that Myungha doesn't remember "senior" from his real life is a cool detail. I had said I thought it was in odd in episode 1 that he wasn't weirded out by the situation. It could mean that ONLY senior is obscured. Or it could mean that the facts of his "future" will slowly disappear as he creates a new story leaving him only with the 19 year old version of Myungha. There are a few other possibilities too, but I'll go with those two for now. I actually like the latter one in some ways. I don't remember if he recalled senior once he entered the video game during episode 1. That would provide evidence for which possible interpretations to keep moving forward. I might have to go back and check that out.

Regardless, we know this memory was jarring. The question is what triggered the memory.

We're down to 288 days left to complete our mission so a good bit of time has passed, and we're reminded that death is the penalty. We still don't know whose death we're talking about though.

We cut to Kyunghoon and Myungha walking down the hall together. Myungha is complaining that the teacher treats him like a thug. Kyunghoon proposes that they go to college together, drink together and have fun together in the future. I love the video game sound effects in the music/soundtrack.

OH! Random thought. I wonder if those sound effects show up at critical/specific moments. Is this like the rain drops in When It Rains or just a fun part of the soundtrack? Sound analysis is tricky for me, but it can add a lot to a show. And I LOVE it when sound is used symbolically. That would require an entire rewatch though as I'd have to focus just on the sound. I'll try to make note of it moving forward though to see if I can find a pattern. I can't promise I'll catch it every time though.

Hold up. We HAVE had a sound. The freaking water. I said before that it sounded like water when Myungha is shifting between worlds. That's definitely a specific sound at critical moments. Is that significant? Is it even water? Stop brain. You know your hearing can't be trusted. Move on.

Myungha is obviously uncomfortable here. Probably because he knows that he doesn't have that kind of time. He was just reminded of the countdown. It could also be because he didn't have that kind of life in the past. I don't know if he has those resources in the current videogame timeline either. Money isn't an obstacle for Kyunghoon. But it will be for Myungha and Yeowoon. But I figure it's that he feels like he's lying to Kyunghoon by agreeing to a future that may not exist. Yeowoon has already called him a liar after all.

Ah, the bullies are circling for blood. Frizzy blond guy asks Myungha if he's gay and is obviously intimidating Kyunghoon. Myungha says "I'm gay. So what." That's the confidence of someone who is very comfortable with themselves. I wonder if he was always that way, or if this is a manifestation of him already working through that part of his identity in the "real world".

Cutie Kyunghoon steps in between to protect Myungha 🙌🙌🙌. This is VERY important. Why? Because it's a dynamic shift. Myungha is collecting people in his life that care about him too and who will stand up for him even if it's risky. He's gathering "like minded friends" as well.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Myungha kisses the bully.

Should I be laughing? Probably not. This is a forced kiss. But AM I laughing? 100% yes. And all of the bully gang not knowing how to respond is epic.

Blond guy is rightfully angry, and Myungha just scolds him for swearing. What I love about this interaction is that it quickly and decidedly shifted who was the "victim" in this interaction.

Blond guy - Tak ...Joonho? It'll eventually stick with me. Anyways, he punches Myungha and we see Myungha deftly assert his dominance. He threatens to kiss him again.

This is the second interaction where Myungha has really shown this guy to be pretty pathetic. As he seems to be a leader in this "gang", he's probably not going to react to this well. He wouldn't be able to keep power over his bully gang if he ignored things like this. I'd expect backlash soon. He'll either take it out on his own members or start targeting people Myungha cares about (Yeowoon, Kyunghoon). Potentially both. If he comes after Myungha himself, it will be sneaky style. He can't (or shouldn't) risk another direct confrontation like this one. He's already lost twice.

Teacher intervenes. Apparently Myungha has got some type of cleaning duty punishment.

Yeowoon is on the other side of the window being cleaned. I'm trying to figure out if Yeowoon had heard about the fight or he just noticed Myungha's busted lip. Either way, his expressions here are KILLING me. They are so earnest and so different than what we had in previous episodes. The rise in affection level has definitely had an impact.

Myungha tries to brush it off, but Yeowoon won't let him. "Who hit you?" Myungha tells him he doesn't need to know.

Yeowoon gets very serious. Just like that earlier interaction with Kyunghoon, this is actually very important. Yeowoon is asking to be seen as an equal. As someone that Myungha can rely on. He's asking Myungha to trust him. Ooh interesting. Yeowoon dropped honorifics.

Yeowoon drags Myungha to the nurse's office. It's a reverse of care. Yeowoon taking care of Myungha. I mean, technically Yeowoon had intervened before. However, this is DIRECT care. Yeowoon asks if he's really not going to tell him. Myungha responds "What would you do if you knew?". Yeowoon - "I'll kill him". 🥹 Yes, I'm taking the threat as a squee worthy moment. There was no hesitation. Just a direct assertion of "you matter to me that much".

Myungha rubs his head.

I'm going to have to think about this one. Why is this man's physical affection so hard for me to interpret? This feels like a parent/child interaction to me. Which...is possible. Is he in guardian mode? Trying to calm Yeowoon down while acknowledging that he's grateful for Yeowoon caring about him? Or do other people see this as just a friendly interaction? Because things would not end well if my friend rubbed my head and used that tone with me. I'd see it as condescending for sure. But cultural differences could be in play here. I'm going with guardian mode.

Myungha says that rather than hit, it's more like we kissed. And Yeowoon's reaction is amazing.

Myungha is flustered by Yeowoon's reaction. Yeowoon has to be cycling through all kinds of feelings. One - this gives him hope. Two - Myungha was kissing someone besides him.

So many thoughts running through this boy's mind.

He says he should ask Tak Joonho. That means he DOES know who was involved, but he wanted Myungha to confide in him on his own. "Can men kiss too?" "I want to kiss him" while staring at Myungha's lips and putting on the ointment. Baby boy is down bad.

We cut to Sangwon coming towards the bully gang. There's the "hi" again. Love it. But it does feel like he's out of the loop. It feels more like he's invading their space. @dropthedemiurge I see what you meant now. He's not part of the hierarchy of this group. The uniforms vs. plain shirt is visually depicting that as well. That does make me have some questions about the earlier rooftop scene, but I'll hold them for now.

Did he come because he had heard about the fight? Or is this just part of his routine? He does seem to do whatever he wants. Case in point - he didn't come to class just because he didn't want to. Skipping seems to be a regular occurrence for him.

Tak Joonho says that he's going to teach Myungha/Kyunghoon a lesson. Sangwon is trying to put the pieces together. I do find it odd that Joonho is openly admitting that Myungha kissed him. I would've expected him to threaten the others and keep that quiet. Unless he's expecting Sangwon to commiserate with him and understand.

Not happening though. Sangwon is clearly on Myungha's side in this one. I figure he knows Tak Joonho enough to know he instigated whatever happened. The chuckling of the other students as Sangwon pushes back has got to raise Joonho's ire.

Tak Joonho thinks Sangwon is teasing him, but he's actually angry.

I'm rewording this line a little bit in my head to fit better with that sassy head tilt that just made me so happy. In some ways, it's a lot like Myungha earlier. "Yes. I am. What are you going to do about it?" It's a statement and a challenge.

Unlike Myungha, Sangwon does punch Joonho and IMMEDIATELY puts his hands back in his pockets. LMAO. That's a dominance signal right there. He knows Joonho isn't going to immediately punch back. He doesn't see him as a threat.

Joonho says he's holding back because he's rich. Sure you are. Keep telling yourself that. Kyunghoon seems to be pretty rich too, and you tease him just fine.

Note - I do realize that they've said that Sangwon can get away with everything due to his family. I'm sure it does play some role. But it's not everything. Sangwon is exuding dominance in this situation. He's even leaning in a mock little bow and saying "thank you" in a snarky tone. God, I love him and his self-confidence. He has grown on me so much, and I'm only halfway through this show.

Joonho asks if he can't see that he's outnumbered.

Sangwon (in other words): Bring it.

I'm sorry. I've tried to ignore that hideous wall color this entire show, but now we've added what has to be one of the ugliest arrangements known to mankind in front of it. I'm sure there are people who like that kind of thing, but it just makes me wonder why someone thought a feather duster was appealing. Normally I would be trying to figure out if the red meant something, but I just can't. It's an eyesore.

Is Si-a considered part of our gaming party now. I'm not sure. 🤔 They're collectively worrying about Sangwon though.

Si-a asks if Myungha wants to be a model for Swoony (the brand). The pay is better after all. Pay is always an enticing thing.

Myungha tells Si-a to buy him dinner. I'm confused. Why does he want Si-a to buy him dinner? 🤔 Myungha doesn't do things without a purpose. What's the catch?

LMAO. It's because Yeowoon is here. He's giving her the fangirl moment. Yes, she better buy the meal. A good one too.

Wait. Her name has an "h" sound? The subtitles now say "Shi-a". Did I miss that before? No. I'm pretty sure that's a change in subtitles.

Yeowoon looks ticked. My guess is that he thought he was going to get to eat with Myungha alone. He wouldn't be reacting like this if he had known it'd be a fangirl moment. Yeowoon is being very terse. Yes, he seems to be a more introverted, private person. But this is what you do when you're thrown for a loop. Myungha, you really need to give us introverts a heads up for these types of situations. Especially true if you gave us false expectations and now expect us to socialize with someone we are not comfortable around.

I'm still bitter over there being no food at the company meal that I drove two hours to yesterday. Don't promise me food and then give me a non-alcoholic beer instead. Shared meals are sacred. Oh...it's probably this kind of stuff that prompted the anon's "what's with you and food" question the other day. I get it now. Sorry anon. I didn't understand what you were asking.

I'm squirreling. None of that's really relevant. Yeowoon is just upset because he expected alone time with Myungha (pretty sure on that one), and he isn't getting it.

This conversation is awkward. Si-a signals Myungha to please help. Myungha asks Yeowoon if he has any questions. "Are you two close?" I've said all along that I love how direct Yeowoon is with Myungha. If he has questions, he is going to ask them. It's admirable, but lol. He's not looking at Si-a at all. Yeowoon is grilling Myungha.

Myungha responds playfully and tries to direct the conversation back to Si-a. I actually see that as a way of trying to include her in the conversation. He was trying to create a fan moment for her after all. Si-a says they're just colleagues which Yeowoon smiles about. But then Myungha protests that designation.

Yeowoon didn't like that at all. 🤣 "Are you closer to her than you are to me?" I love that Si-a can see this is important to Yeowoon. She's giving Myungha this look that's like "You idiot. Don't you dare make my blorbo upset!"

Myungha says "I only have Yeowoon in my heart" which makes Yeowoon beam. Si-a takes the opportunity to ask for an autograph. Si-a, I know I struggled with you in earlier episodes. I'm sorry. I can respect your non-toxic, supportive fangirl side.

"What do you think of when you run?" "I imagine there's a big crocodile chasing me." Well...that would be motivation I guess. I never imagined what was behind me when I ran. I was always focused on the finish line. Different things for different people I guess.

Ok Yeowoon. Let's not manifest that energy. There are too many trucks of doom in dramaland. And I've had two of my family members hit by vehicles. They survived, but they still have side effects. My brother got hit by a car while he was INSIDE a building.

Anyways, Yeowoon is saying that the vision has changed. He now imagines that someone is waiting for him at the finish line.

Sweet. I wish I knew what his personal affection was at this point though. We're seeing the impact of Myungha's affection level changing in his mannerisms and dialogue, but has it impacted how he sees himself?

Si-a says that's romantic, and Myungha breaks eye contact and visibly shifts. Lol. He felt that one.

We cut to them walking home. Yeowoon tries to ask Myungha about Joonho again, but Myungha says that Yeowoon isn't allowed to say kiss.

We got confirmation that Yeowoon thought it was going to be the two of them. Myungha chastises him a bit saying he needs friends. That's really not the point Myungha.

Yeowoon said that he's annoyed. Myungha says "he's been rude lately". Did he drop honorifics?

Yeowoon says "I want to go play with you". My kinky brain takes that line a completely different way that intended. But he's asking him out really. I LOVE this frame. There's a blinding light of love, but it's mostly over Yeowoon. Yeowoon knows he wants to kiss Myungha. He knows he wants to spend time with Myungha 1-1. Myungha still hasn't come to that realization yet.

It's an amusement park near the sea. Myungha seems hesitant, but he says yes. Wasn't Myungha's mom near the sea? I wonder if that's part of his hesitation. Yeah, there's definitely something there. This means something more to Myungha for some reason. But he's agreeing anyway.

Well hello. 👀 She's pretty. She was hidden initially in the frame, but they've now exposed her as she's asking Si-a for help. Who is she? Is this the person returned from abroad that Kyunghoon mentioned?

We're now in a dream sequence. 100%. "Do it with me too. The kiss."

Based on the game interface, this is Myungha's dream. Fun. Realization is coming. It's a bit of a kabedon moment with the tree. I'm enjoying it, because as confident as Myungha was when he kissed Joonho, he's not confident at all here. He's flustered.

Myungha wakes up.

Yeowoon has been sending him messages. Apparently he woke up early. If you get messages from me at 4 am, it means I haven't went to bed yet. Not unusual.

Myungha has a message from an unknown number. It's referencing children's day, mother's day, and teacher's day. Myungha isn't sure who it's from though. My immediate guess is his mom. But that doesn't make sense. He hasn't had contact with his mom since he was really little.

Is it the heavenly senior? We know information about the game comes to Myungha through his phone. "But no time for me to meet you." It's reminding me of the poem I wrote for my grandfather following his suicide. It wasn't about holidays/time, but about hiking trails. That was our thing. "But no trail that brings me to you." Crap. I'm crying again. This has been a week of tears in BL land. For the record, I cry very little in real life. But I bawl like a baby watching shows. It's cathartic in some ways. I can't analyze this properly. I'm going to read things into this that aren't there. I'm sure this will become a reoccurring event. I'll wait until the next message to figure it out.

Yeowoon came to pick Myungha up, and it looks like he paid for the bus fare for both of them. Cutie. Myungha may not realize it, but Yeowoon is definitely taking him on a date.

The mural next to the bus is of the sea. I could get a better angle this time. Phone keeps translating different based on angle, but it's better than last time. Something about sacred and beautiful love. Something about a lighthouse.

I love that Yeowoon quickly says "Look at the seagulls". There were birds on the mural too. Seagulls are a trip down memory lane for me. I got handed a bone during my oral qualification exams and asked what I could tell the professors about it. It was a seagull bone.

Seagulls have so many different symbolic meanings depending on culture. I know there are a few different takes in literature. There are also a lot of different meanings for them in Native American lore. Some positive, some negative. It depends on the tribe. A lot of it has to do with their ability to navigate in a storm and overcome obstacles if I remember correctly. There might have been something about the connection between physical and spiritual realms which would be interesting given the premise of this show. Like a bridge or messenger between the two. I don't know what they typically means in S. Korea though. I'll dive into that later.

Yeowoon says he should've brought shrimp chips. They're not my favorite, but my sous chef loves shrimp chips.

Oh. We're feeding them to the seagulls? I mean, they'll eat it. It's a fun experience for the human. It probably doesn't give them the nutrients they need.

Myungha asks if Yeowoon likes the sea. Yeowoon says he likes the mountains more. I love them both, but I live closer to the mountains. I've asked my kids this question before. One chose sea. One chose mountains. One chose "Wherever Uncle Zach is". Yeah, I'm not the only one who thinks my brother is awesome.

They're planning to climb mountains. Yeowoon wants to climb "Kongryung". Based on Myungha's reaction, that must be a hard climb. Based on Yeowoon's reaction, I'm guessing it's a long one. "I'm happy to be with you." Myungha doesn't seem sure how to process that.

Yeowoon asks if Myungha has been here before.

This feels like a lie. It's going to be interesting if lying becomes a thing for Myungha. Well-intentioned lies. But lies nonetheless. It might not be a lie though. That's just my gut talking.

They're planning on going to a clam kal-guksu place. I enjoy noodle soups, but I've never had clams in any capacity. They're not very common here. I have dissected one and done an experiment on heart rate for a class though. Not important.

Apparently, Yeowoon doesn't like seafood. And Myungha slips up. He's using information from the manuscript. Yeowoon is rightfully perplexed and then amused that Myungha knows this about him.

"Sometimes it feels like you're someone that knows me."

Yeah, that's probably going to hurt when he realizes Myungha has known about him all along.

All of Yeowoon's little smiles are killing me this episode.

Yeowoon says he now understands why Myungha likes the sea. Did Myungha say he liked the sea? I don't remember that. 🤔 It could be in an earlier episode, or I could have overlooked it. If he likes the sea though - is that why we have a water sound? Yes, I'm still stuck there. My brain is still obsessing over a sound that probably isn't even what I think it is. I curse my brain sometimes.

Yeowoon says "I've come to like it too". Cut away to them sitting on the stairs in their coordinating blue/green shirts.

There is so much I could say about that closing frame, but I know that I'm out of images. Anyways, we're halfway up the stairs. We're building the relationship. We're sitting side by side. We're equal...in this moment at least. There's no railings on this part. It'd be easy to fall off the sides.

The blue/green combo I find interesting, because it's a shift. These two characters have worn a lot of black & white. What does the shift mean? Is it part of their relationship developing or the changing levels of affection?

Is this show even color coded? I'll have to think about that. Because Sangwon also wears a white undershirt. He's definitely not a "heavenly human" type. Wait...is Myungha the ONLY one wearing a different color undershirt as part of their uniform? Is he the only one in black? I guess that makes senses. He's from a "different" world after all. But why black? Actually, Yeowoon's running outfit was in black too when he had the -100 value. So Myungha isn't the only one in black. Nevermind. I was overthinking again.

This was a fun episode. I'm loving that Yeowoon is so open and direct with his feelings. Myungha isn't there yet, but he's beginning to react. Now I just need to convince my brain that it's 4 am and it needs to just let the water sound go. IS IT WATER?!?

Don't tell me. Because if it is water, that means it's important. And if it's not water, I'll eventually realize it wasn't important.

For now, I'll just distract my brain with a more pressing question - what happened to Sangwon?

[mostlymovieswithmax]

Movies I watched in May

Sadly, I kind of skipped writing a post for April. It was a mad month with so much going on: lots of emails sent and lots of stress. I started a new job so I’m getting to grips with that... and even then, I still watched a bunch of movies. But this is about what I watched in May and, yeah… still a bunch. So if you’re looking to get into some other movies - possibly some you’ve thought about watching but didn’t know what they were like, or maybe like the look of something you’ve never heard of - then this may help! So here’s every film I watched from the 1st to the 31st of May 2021 Tenet (2020) - 8/10 This was my third time watching Christopher Nolan’s most Christopher Nolan movie ever and it makes no sense but I still love it. The spectacle of it all is truly like nothing I’ve ever seen. I had also watched it four days prior to this watch also, only this time I had enabled audio description for the visually impaired, thinking it would make it funny… It didn’t.

Nomadland (2020) - 6/10 Chloé Zhao’s new movie got a lot of awards attention. Everyone was hyped for this and when it got put out on Disney+ I was eager to see what all the fuss was about. Seeing these real nomads certainly gave the film an authenticity, along with McDormand’s ever-praisable acting. But generally I found it quite underwhelming and lacking a lot in its pacing. Nomadland surely has its moments of captivating cinematography and enticing commentary on the culture of these people, but it felt like it went on forever without any kind of forward direction or goal. The Prince of Egypt (1998) - 6/10 I reviewed this on my podcast, The Sunday Movie Marathon. For what it is, it’s pretty fun but nowhere near as good as some of the best DreamWorks movies.

Chinatown (1974) - 8/10 What a fantastic and wonderfully unpredictable mystery crime film! I regret to say I’ve not seen many Jack Nicholson performances but he steals the show. Despite Polanski’s infamy, it’d be a lie to claim this wasn’t truly masterful. Howl’s Moving Castle (2004) - 8/10 Admittedly I was half asleep as I curled up on the sofa to watch this again on a whim. I watched this with someone who demanded the dubbed version over the subtitled version and while I objected heavily, I knew I’d seen the movie before so it didn’t matter too much. That person also fell asleep about 20 minutes in, so how pointless an argument it was. Howl’s Moving Castle boasts superb animation, the likes of which I’ve only come to expect of Miyazaki. The story is so unique and the colours are absolutely gorgeous. This may not be my favourite from the legendary director but there’s no denying its splendour.

Bāhubali: The Beginning (2015) - 3/10 The next morning I watched some absolute trash. This crazy, over the top Indian movie is hilarious and I could perhaps recommend it if it weren’t so long. That being said, Bāhubali was not a dumpster fire; it has a lot of good-looking visual effects and it’s easy to see the ambition for this epic story, it just doesn’t come together. There’s fun to be had with how the main character is basically the strongest man in the world and yet still comes across as just a lucky dumbass, along with all the dancing that makes no sense but is still entertaining to watch. Seven Samurai (1954) - 10/10 If it wasn’t obvious already, Seven Samurai is a masterpiece. I reviewed this on The Sunday Movie Marathon podcast, so more thoughts can be found there. Red Road (2006) - 6/10 Another recommendation on episode 30 of the podcast. Red Road really captures the authentic British working class experience. Before Sunrise (1995) - 10/10 One of the best romances put to film. The first in Richard Linklater’s Before Trilogy is undoubtedly my favourite, despite its counterparts being almost equally as good. It tells the story of a young couple travelling through Europe, who happen to meet on a train and spend the day together. It is gloriously shot on location in Vienna and features some of the most interesting dialogue I’ve ever seen put to film. Heartbreakingly beautiful.

Tokyo Story (1953) - 9/10 This Japanese classic - along with being visually and sonically masterful - is a lot about appreciating the people in your life and taking the time to show them that you love them. It’s about knowing it’s never too late to rekindle old relationships if you truly want to, which is something I’ve been able to relate to in recent years. It broke my heart in two. Tokyo Story will make you want to call your mother. Before Sunset (2004) - 10/10 Almost a decade after Sunrise, Sunset carries a sombre yet relieving feeling. Again, the performances from Julie Delpy and Ethan Hawke take me away, evoking nostalgic feelings as they stroll through the contemporary Parisian streets. There is no regret in me for buying the Criterion blu-ray boxset for this trilogy. Before Midnight (2013) - 10/10 Here, Linklater cements this trilogy as one of the best in film history. It’s certainly not the ending I expected, yet it’s an ending I appreciate endlessly. Because it doesn’t really end. Midnight shows the troubling times of a strained relationship; one that has endured so long and despite initially feeling almost dreamlike in how idealistically that first encounter was portrayed, the cracks appear as the film forces you to come to terms with the fact that fairy-tale romances just don’t exist. Relationships require effort and sacrifice and sometimes the ones that truly work are those that endure through all the rough patches to emerge stronger. The Holy Mountain (1973) - 10/10 Jodorowsky’s masterpiece is absolute insanity. I talked more about it on The Sunday Movie Marathon podcast.

The Grand Budapest Hotel (2014) - 10/10 Another watch for Grand Budapest because I bought the Criterion blu-ray. As unalterably perfect as ever. Blue Jay (2016) - 6/10 Rather good up to a point. My co-hosts and I did not agree on how good this movie was, which is a discussion you can listen to on my podcast. Shadow and Bone: The Afterparty (2021) - 3/10 For what it’s worth, I really enjoyed the first season of Shadow and Bone, which is why I wanted to see what ‘The Afterparty’ was about. This could have been a lot better and much less annoying if all those terrible comedians weren’t hosting and telling bad jokes. I don’t want to see Fortune Feimster attempt to tell a joke about oiling her body as the cast of the show sit awkwardly in their homes over Zoom. If it had simply been a half hour, 45 minute chat with the cast and crew about how they made the show and their thoughts on it, a lot of embarrassment and time-wasting could have been spared. Wadjda (2012) - 6/10 Another recommendation discussed at length on The Sunday Movie Marathon. Wadjda was pretty interesting from a cultural perspective but largely familiar in terms of story structure.

Freddy Got Fingered (2001) - 2/10 A truly terrible movie with maybe one or two scenes that stop it from being a complete catastrophe. Tom Green tried to create something that almost holds a middle finger to everyone who watches it and to some that could be a fun experience, but to me it just came across as utterly irritating. It’s simply a bunch of scenes threaded together with an incredibly loose plot. He wears the skin of a dead deer, smacks a disabled woman over and over again on the legs to turn her on, and he swings a newborn baby around a hospital room by its umbilical cord (that part was actually pretty funny). I cannot believe I watched this again, although I think I repressed a lot of it since having seen it for the first time around five years ago. The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 1 - (2011) I have to say, these movies seem to get better with each instalment. They’re still not very good though. That being said, I’m amazed at how many times I’ve watched each of the Twilight movies at this point. This time around, I watched Breaking Dawn - Part 1 with a YMS commentary track on YouTube and that made the experience a lot more entertaining. Otherwise, this film is super dumb but pretty entertaining. I would recommend watching these movies with friends. Solaris (1972) - 8/10 Andrei Tarkovsky’s grand sci-fi epic about the emotional crises of a crew on the space station orbiting the fictional planet Solaris is much as strange and creepy as you might expect from the master Russian auter. I had wanted to watch this for a while so I bought the Criterion blu-ray and it’s just stunning. It’s clear to see the 2001: A Space Odyssey inspiration but Solaris is quite a different beast entirely. Jaws (1975) - 4/10 I really tried to get into this classic movie, but Jaws exhibits basically everything I don’t like about Steven Spielberg’s directing. For sure, the effects are crazily good but the story itself is poorly handled and largely uninteresting. It was just a massive slog to get through.

Darkman (1990) - 6/10 Sam Raimi’s superhero movie is so much fun, albeit massively stupid. Further discussion on Darkman can be found on episode 32 of The Sunday Movie Marathon podcast. Darkman II: The Return of Durant (1995) - 1/10 Abysmal. I forgot the movie as I watched it. This was part of a marathon my friends and I did for episode 32 of our podcast. Darkman III: Die Darkman Die (1996) - 1/10 Perhaps this trilogy is not so great after all. Only marginally better than Darkman II but still pretty terrible. More thoughts on episode 32 of my podcast. F For Fake (1973) - 8/10 Rewatching this proved to be a worthwhile decision. Albeit slightly boring, there’s no denying how crazy the story of this documentary about art forgers is. The standout however, is the director himself. Orson Welles makes a lot of this film about himself and how hot his girlfriend is and it is hilarious.

The Mitchells vs. The Machines (2021) - 4/10 More style over substance, Sony’s new animated adventure wants so much to be in trend with the current internet culture but it simply doesn’t understand what it’s emulating. There’s a nyan cat reference, for crying out loud. For every joke that works, there are about ten more that do not and were it not for the wonderful animation, it simply wouldn’t be getting so much praise. Taxi Driver (1976) - 10/10 The first movie I’ve seen in a cinema since 2020 and damn it was good to be back! I’ve already reviewed Taxi Driver in my March wrap-up but seeing it in the cinema was a real treat. Irreversible (2002) - 8/10 One of the most viscerally horrendous experiences I’ve ever had while watching a movie. I cannot believe a friend of mine gave me the DVD to watch. More thoughts on episode 32 of The Sunday Movie Marathon podcast. Don’t watch it with the family. The Golden Compass (2007) - 1/10 I had no recollection of this being as bad as it is. The Golden Compass is the definition of a factory mandated movie. Nothing it does on its own is worth any kind of merit. I would say, if you wanted an experience like what this tries to communicate, a better option by far is the BBC series, His Dark Materials. More of my thoughts can be found in the review I wrote on Letterboxd.

Antichrist (2009) - 8/10 Lars von Trier is nothing if not provocative and I can understand why someone would not like Antichrist, but I enjoyed it quite a lot. After watching it, I wrote a slightly disjointed summary of my interpretations of this highly metaphorical movie in the group chat, so fair warning for a bit of spoilers and graphic descriptions: It's like, the patriarchy, man! Oppression! Men are the rational thinkers with big brains and the women just cry and be emotional. So she's seen as crazy when she's smashing his cock and driving a drill through his leg to keep him weighted down. Like, how does he like it, ya know? So then she mutilates herself like she did with him and now they're both wounded, but the animals crowd around her (and the crow that he couldn't kill because it's Mother nature, not Father nature, duh). Then he kills her, even though she could've killed him loads of times but didn't. So it's like "haha big win for the man who was subjected to such horrific torture. Victory!" And then all the women with no faces come out of the woods because it's like a constant cycle. Manchester By The Sea (2016) - 6/10 Great performances in this super sad movie. I can’t say I got too much out of it though. Roar (1981) - 9/10 Watching Roar again was still as terrifying an experience as the first time. If you want to watch something that’s loose on plot with poor acting but with real big cats getting in the way of production and physically attacking people, look no further. This is the scariest movie I’ve ever seen because it’s all basically real. Cannot recommend it enough. Eyes Without A Face (1960) - 8/10 I’m glad I checked this old French movie out again. There’s a lot to marvel at in so many aspects, what with the premise itself - a mad surgeon taking the faces from unsuspecting women and transplanting them onto another - being incredibly unique for the time. Short, sweet and entertaining!

Se7en (1995) - 10/10 The first in a David Fincher marathon we did for The Sunday Movie Marathon, episode 33. Zodiac (2007) - 10/10 Second in the marathon, as it was getting late, we decided to watch half that evening and the last half on the following evening. Zodiac is a brilliant movie and you can hear more of my thoughts on the podcast (though I apologise; my audio is not the best in this episode). Gone Girl (2014) - 10/10 My favourite Fincher movie. More insights into this masterpiece in episode 33 of the podcast. Friends: The Reunion (2021) - 6/10 It was heartwarming to see the old actors for this great show together again. I talked about the Friends reunion film at length in episode 33 of my podcast.

Wolfwalkers (2020) - 10/10 I reviewed this in an earlier post but would like to reiterate just how wonderful Wolfwalkers is. If you get the chance, please see it in the cinema. I couldn’t stop crying from how beautiful it was. Raya and The Last Dragon (2021) - 6/10 After watching Wolfwalkers, I decided I didn’t want to go home. So I had lunch in town and booked a ticket for Disney’s Raya and The Last Dragon. A child was coughing directly behind me the entire time. Again, I reviewed this in an earlier post but generally it was decent but I have so many problems with the execution. The Princess Bride (1987) - 9/10 Clearly I underrated this the last time I watched it. The Princess Bride is warm and hilarious with some delightfully memorable characters. A real classic!

The Invisible Kid (1988) - 1/10 About as good as you’d expect a movie with that name to be, The Invisible Kid was a pick for The Sunday Movie Marathon podcast, the discussion for which you can listen to in episode 34. Babel (2006) - 9/10 The same night that I watched The Invisible Kid, I watched a masterful and dour drama from the director of Birdman and The Revenant. Babel calls back to an earlier movie of Iñárritu’s, called Amores Perros and as I was informed while we watched this for the podcast, it turns out Babel is part of a trilogy alongside the aforementioned film. More thoughts in episode 34 of the podcast. Snake Eyes (1998) - 1/10 After feeling thoroughly emotionally wiped out after Babel, we immediately watched another recommendation for the podcast: Snake Eyes, starring Nicolas Cage. This was a truly underwhelming experience and for more of a breakdown into what makes this movie so bad, you can listen to us talk about it on the podcast.

[gothicprep]

Meditations on True Crime: A Very Long Post

In around February of this year, I was researching a potential video related to how true crime media portrays websleuths, contrasted against their efficacy in each specific case. The introduction was a brief primer on the genre’s evolution, beginning with its general association with low-budget LifeTime films, to a hobby with more dignity than that. I remember finding an article talking about Serial, and there was some commentary in there from another large true crime podcast host.

I didn’t think it was particularly useful for my purposes, but it said something to the effect of “true crime as a hobby can help women reconcile the trauma related to being in a world that is so hostile to us.” I rolled my eyes at it. It seemed dishonestly saccharine, like it was giving a sort of post-hoc legitimacy to just enjoying whodunnits. I didn’t think about it again for around seven months after I’d read it.

One of the subjects that I intended to talk about was Elisa Lam’s death and the online reaction to it. The story was adapted into a Netflix series a few months prior, and I was freshly reminded of how poorly it all sat with me. If you aren’t familiar with her name, she disappeared in Los Angeles’s Cecil Hotel in 2013, and her disappearance went viral after the respective police department release footage of her behaving strangely in an elevator. The case attained quick viral status and extensive discussion, due to the nature of the video and the hotel’s morbid history. When her naked body was discovered in a rooftop water tank a few weeks later, speculation exploded. But an autopsy isn’t an immediate followup, and the online sleuths would lose themselves to their imaginations in the time between. Many people wanted the murder solved, but many let their speculation fly off the rails. Shady hotel coverups. Metal musician murderers. Fear of the homeless. Ghosts. Demons. Government tuberculosis research. The gang was all there.

If you weren’t active online back then, it’s difficult to properly convey how huge this all was. Everyone was expecting Elisa to have been murdered. Iron-clad. Beyond the shadow of a doubt. She wasn’t. Her death was ruled an accident. She had a severe case of bipolar disorder and she wasn’t taking her medication. The severity of her illness was also not previously disclosed to the public. The working theory is that she experienced a manic episode with psychotic features, climbed in the tank in this state, to eventually strip out of her clothes in late stage hypothermia and drown there. It’s a horrific and painful way to die. All that’s left of you is water contamination – insult to fatal injury.

People weren’t happy with this, but not out of any sympathy for Elisa. There was palpable rage from many who had been following the case. No, she was definitely murdered. No, her killer needs to be brought to justice. No, this isn’t the real story. I don’t like it. I’m not satisfied. There needs to be an ending better than this.

Tragedy isn’t exactly in the habit of being kind to us.

When news of Gabby Petito’s disappearance was spreading, I noticed a lot of similarities between hers and Elisa’s. A woman in her early 20s vanishes while traveling, under very unusual circumstances. Footage was released during both investigations, which portrayed these women in mentally vulnerable states. The story was viral online. People rifled through Gabby’s instagram in the same way they did with Elisa’s tumblr. Social media detectives established an inappropriate amount of investment. Everyone is sure of a specific outcome. The family deserves answers.

Let’s talk about answers for a second. I’d like you to spitball a comprehensive explanation for this one: how could something like this happen? I’m not looking for a “how” in terms of events or circumstances. In this case, this isn’t a question. It’s a protest of the unfairness of it all. My daughter. My sister. My friend. Someone who meant so much to me. It’s a prayer to a vacant sky. It’s not a question, it’s agony. Nothing shy of resurrection can feel like justice. Even if the case leads to a criminal trial and conviction, it does nothing to fill the void loss burns within us. There is no good answer, because there aren’t answers at all.

Let’s talk about ourselves for a second. I noticed many people draw parallels between what they’d seen on the bodycam footage and their own experience with abusive partners. “This could have been me.” Do you really think this is appropriate? Could have been, would have been – these are statements with hypothetical validity. It has nothing to do with you. To emotionally identify with someone does not evidence anything. You’re here. She’s gone. This isn’t about you. She isn’t in the position where she can co-sign anything you say. If she can’t speak for herself, don’t invoke her.

Let’s talk about true crime for a second. It’s funny how true crime marketed to men has a distinctly different texture than true crime marketed to women. The former seems to involve knocking the perpetrator down a peg. It portrays them as something worth our disgust and ridicule. The latter tends to foster emotional identification with the victim. Podcasts and other media in this category tend to be by women, for women, and generally discuss women. This story is presented as catharsis for women who see themselves as similar to them. This woman is no longer a person, but an idea. And it makes me think of that stupid article quote that I resent myself for not having bookmarked. This is reconciliation. These women, in their passing, can be a motivating factor for us to break up with that one dumbass guy. I’m so happy this was a wakeup call. I’m so happy that this made me think about my own experiences. I’m so happy that this did so much for me. Sure, someone actually died, but what is that when compared to my own self-actualization?

I made a comment on Twitter about how disgusted I was with how people spoke of Gabby in such an evasively self-interested way, and someone who likely was of no relation to her interjected with how the family deserved the truth. Truth? What truth? What peace will grisly details give them? Is there any meaningful difference between knowing your loved one died of murder or collapsed from exposure? Or are you just a nosey person who’s projected an inappropriate emotional dog in this fight? Do you want answers for her family, or for your own curiosity?

I really don’t trust shit like that, nor am I willing to give leniency to people who say such things. I think we’ve been conditioned to relate to dead women in a way that’s completely separate from who they actually were. Alive, they’re deep, multifaceted individuals, with an array of likes, dislikes, quirks, and endless little details. Dead, they’re a concept to serve a purpose. The purpose is generally a form of narrative catharsis. The creep gets thrown in prison. A woman’s abusive partner gets the comeuppance he deserves. The story needs a good ending. The story needs an ending that satisfies me. People aren’t stories. Life is not a novel.

The real trauma of others will never belong to you. This not your therapy tool or plaything. This is real pain that will never be theoretical for plenty of people. Know your place. Keep your distance. Don’t objectify the dead.

[mr-chatterboxs-column]

This is such an interesting conversation (and it's really good to see it happening in a bunch of places)! Sorry in advance, white trying-to-be-anti-racist fan with an interest in data analysis here. ... I tried to keep to the main points this brought up for me, but. Well. I do use the handle "Chatterbox."

Since I've been following the sporadic bursts of Leverage fandom since the show ended, and the last "A Fandom" I was peripherally involved with was Captain America (there was just a lot of people rightly getting called out for writing Sam as "handy therapist on call with no other character traits, except maybe being sassy", which did have the positive side effect of a lot of very visible discussion of sensitive presentation of Black men in media), I've been trying to stay aware of this re: Leverage fic and meta. I do generally think Leverage fandom is better than most, probably because the people who stay into a show for years after it ended are people who value the things the show was actively trying to succeed at, and as some of Vicky's prev posts/conversations have brought up, it's clear that (especially for the era it was being produced in) the showrunners were really trying to avoid stereotypes with Hardison (which is part of why it's so hard to imagine a Aldis/Christian role switch, I think -- Hardison is the anti-thug: a tall, built black man who is never compared to a basketball or football player) and fanfic writers, intentionally or not, seem to have mimicked that. It's a relief to see that the data at least partially backs up those largely positive impressions.

(Sidebar, I listen to the commentary tracks a fair amount and I've definitely noticed a trend where Nate and Hardison are the two characters most likely to be directly channeling John Rogers' opinions or character traits. Nate gets a lot of the cynical opinions and negative traits, and Hardison gets a lot of the positive "tech utopia" stuff. Eliot calling him "the smartest guy I know" and that whole hype-up speech in Rundown Job is drawn from an interaction between Rogers and a really close friend, where Rogers was the one needing the reassurance.)

I've read... so, so much OT3 fic, and although hurt/comfort is not a thing I'm really into (I'm very happy to suspend disbelief about the side effects of concussions in the Leverage universe, thanks), I feel like I see very little of that centering on Hardison being hurt, but a lot of it centering on Hardison getting to be nurturing and empathetic. Same in OT3 getting together fics -- the ones that have a lot of Hardison/Parker content are mostly focusing on the ways Hardison is emotionally open and communicative with Parker, and I feel like that's a big part of what people find fantasy-worthy about Hardison that they aren't finding represented in other media. When that's the fandom version of how a character is presented, and it's so strongly backed up by the show avoiding giving Hardison a traumatic backstory and other negative traits, it makes sense to me that, e.g., in fic where Hardison/Eliot is a sexual pairing, Hardison is rarely uncomfortable with being bi and is often talking Eliot through that mental realization, as opposed to other fandoms where that is a more even split (Stucky is a good example, actually, where both characters are canonically white and seem equally likely to be the focus of a "coming out to yourself" fic)-- I've had the impression that white fans are actively avoiding writing Hardison as having internalized homophobia at least partly because that can reflect a racist stereotype. So even though "coming out and getting together" fic is a staple of most fandoms where characters don't come out on screen, if there's internal angst or pining, it's generally going to be about Eliot.

I was going to predict that the highest-ranked character not appearing in the show (...and not from another fandom. Good grief, Dean) was Nana, but I'm not sure that there are many others (besides Eliot's dad?). But when I do see internal-angst fic from Hardison's POV, it's usually about introducing the others to Nana, and usually about coming out as poly, not queer. And she's pretty universally accepting in those fics, which I suspect is both because that's the most common structure of that kind of fluff fic and because most fans write Nana as Black and religious, and, again, there's an aggressive racist stereotype about older, Christian Black women being homophobic, and religious foster parents being homophobic, and addressing that in a serious way without falling into those stereotypes would be very hard to write well, and Leverage fans tend to prefer subverting negative racial stereotypes.

Another factor I'm guessing plays into those data points, seconding the reply this is directly below: man, Leverage fans really love the canonical representation of the Hardison/Parker slow-burn romance. I cannot think of another fandom where an in-canon couple that was not the most popular ship overall was still retained in essentially all fic. (White Collar is probably the closest? But El is usually still a secondary character even in OT3 fic) Most fandoms have a tradition of fix-it fic; most Leverage fans don't have a lot of things they want to fix. I agree with prev poster, probably a minor factor in the popularity of Eliot-POV/focus fic, given that it affects how much "bringing Eliot into an existing relationship" fic there is; having them all get together at once would affect the timing of Parker & Hardison's on-screen romance, and it's so easy for OT3 fic, even set during season 5, to be utterly canon-compliant.

The other thing this conversation makes me consider is generally why Eliot is the fandom favorite (this is also re: the next ask that Vicky was replying to)? It isn't something that had occurred to me that specifically over the past several years, but I would not argue -- I'd maybe suggest that Eliot is a character that some people find very relatable (I am one of those people), and for several specific reasons that are not found in a lot of other characters/fandoms. The obvious ones for me are 1) from a rural area without it being a show that's all about The Great American Heartland, 2) non-traditional expressions of emotion, but a lot of them and they're treated seriously, 3) openly sexually active without long-term romantic relationships, but that's not presented as a flaw. I can think of ONE other character in an arguably canonical poly relationship who can be read as aro (I think there's like 10 fic for that triad). I've seen a ton of great Eliot-centric fic from other Midwestern/Southern queer folks who explicitly say seeing that represented on Leverage is part of what got them into the show. Lots of people talk about the OT3 being important to them because of how it's possible to read Parker and/or Hardison as ace, and I love the variety in how that's presented in fic -- but I'll also always keep coming back to the actual show and my favorite aro!Eliot fic because it's mind-blowing to me to see someone whose emotional journey is all about a type of love I can relate to, and, far from devaluing it in comparison to the on-screen romances, the climax of the show puts that relationship on par with wedding vows. Damn.

Anyway! Headcanons aside, I think those are some of the main factors in how the fic focus distribution ends up shaking out -- Hardison is more likely to be written as a positive fantasy of an ideal boyfriend, while Eliot is more likely to be written as a POV/self-insert (especially due to the subset of fans who stuck with a finished show due to that character), encouraged by fans' wariness about putting trauma into the backstory of a character written as an inversion of racist trauma-porn stereotypes.

i hope ur ok with unprompted asks abt leverage bc today i am like this :-( because someone is posting hate on the OT3 in the OT3 tags. (not as a mistake either, they refused to use the right tags) tbh i am so so excited for the revival but this modern-day-esque toxicity is what i've been worried abt the whole time.

THE POINT OF THIS ASK: they said something that is wiggling in my brain, and i figured you may have a good perspective since i know you like the OT3 and are aware of/comment on fandom/media racism. they said the OT3 is popular because of fandom racism, because hardison is black and fandom wants to focus on the white guy (eliot). i think if this were true then people would just ship parker/eliot like ive seen people do in other fandoms not make an ot3? but wanted an opinion from another person?

Totally cool to send me unprompted asks! Whether Leverage or whatever else. And first off, sorry to see you've been experiencing nastiness in the OT3 tags. I personally never have, but maybe that's down to me not actually knowing what the commonly used tag is? I legit just found blogs to follow who post enough thiefsome content for me, and pick up more here and there, but I dunno where most people post stuff. leverage OT3? parker/hardison/eliot? hardison/parker/eliot? hitter/hacker/thief? something along those lines probably, I've found some stuff tagged under each but have no clue what the 'main' one is. (Also I came up with my own name for them and post my own stuff mostly under that so I really got no clue what most people do, haha.)

Anyway, I digress. On to your main point - well, I will give a disclaimer first. Pretty much the entire time I've been on tumblr I've mostly been in a happy fandom bubble and not even noticed a lot of the nastier discourse. Probably down to the way I pick blogs to follow and then mostly stick to my dash? But anyway, that remains true for Leverage. And in fact until I started my rewatch I was never really involved in the fandom, despite loving the show. I actually haven't read much fic yet either. So there's probably plenty going on I'm not aware of.

That being said, yeah I would agree with you that generally I think if this was racially motivated then people would just ship Parker/Eliot. I don't think people usually default to poly relationships, so I don't really think that is a good argument against one. The only exception I would say is if there's a huge trend of people shipping the three of them together, but only using Hardison as a prop for the other two. You know, if fic focuses mostly on Parker and Eliot and Hardison is just around to be supportive and not given the same level of depth, that kind of thing. However, in the fandom interpretations I have personally seen of the thiefsome, that isn't really the case. It can't hurt to be aware of trends if you do see them, but I don't think you gotta worry too much about this one.

People can be mean. Try not to let it bother you, maybe blacklist if possible (though I guess that ain't if they're intentionally using whatever the main tag is) or build your own happy dash bubble to retreat to. The people I reblog a lot are really nice if you need a starting point! ^_^

Edit - check in the comments for some other perspectives. Seems like there is a tendency to focus on Eliot more, though perhaps not in a straightforward a way as that person was saying? (I dunno what they were saying exactly though so I can't really speak to that.) Doesn't mean we should stop shipping all three but we can be more aware of how we do so, and make sure not to skimp on giving Hardison his fair share of emphasis! (Parker too obviously but you get my point.)

[gffa]

    ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆  APRIL IS FOR ANAKIN DUMBASSERY  ☆ﾟ･:*:･｡,★ﾟ･:*:･｡ So, what is this project? It’s a month for celebrating--and, yes, it’s joyful celebrating, especially in a HASHTAG RELATABLE kind of way--that Anakin Skywalker may be the Chosen One, he may be incredibly powerful, he may be incredibly cool, he may be a larger than life iconic character, but that he also trips and falls on his face a lot or makes hilariously bad decisions sometimes or is just so over the top dramatically extra that we fall in love with him all over again, laughing until we’re crying tears of joy. Anakin is the character I resonate the most with in all of Star Wars, that he’s the one I feel the most of myself reflected in, and a lot of that comes with having a sense of humor about myself, as well as it just really, really makes me laugh when the Chosen One does something so stupid it’s like, ahhh, yes, that’s the one, that’s him, the one I love. So what’s this going to look like? Once per day I’m going to post something that I found funny or dramatic or super extra, whether it be a moment of him falling on his face in the movies or a moment from the comics where Darth Vader went from walking nightmare to dramatic edgelord because he was so ridiculous about it that it whipped around the corner into being funny again. It can be from any part of Star Wars, the movies, the books, the comics, the games, creator commentary, Canon or Legends, anything goes!  Maybe it’s Darth Vader killing and wearing a lizard bird as a cape!  Maybe it’s Anakin losing his lightsaber again!  Maybe it’s that time he dramatically whipped his robe off to let the wind literally swirl it away! It’s a project that I’m doing because I want to do it, but I would love for people to join in, so I can have more hilarity to reblog!  There’s no set mandate, you can do one day in the middle of it, you can do it every day, you can do it for a week and run out of things to add, you can join in at the tail end because that’s when you have time!  There’s no pressure for it to be thorough, just a screenshot and a “this is one of my favorite moments I CRACK UP EVERY TIME” is perfectly great! Basically, it’s Business As Usual around these parts, just slightly more consistently active, it’s exactly the kind of content I already post! So what doesn’t this look like? An excuse to bash on Anakin or hate him.  This is a project meant to get me to fall in love with Anakin all over again, each moment is meant to spark genuine joy, not just me pointing and laughing. It’s not to reduce him to this, either.  Anakin is more than just his dumbass moments, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t some of my favorites and I can’t celebrate them. (I do think the first week of May would then be a great time to do a counter “moments where I have nothing but respect and/or admiration for Anakin”!) Join in or blacklist the “#april is for anakin” tag if it’s not your jam, this vein of celebration isn’t everyone’s cup of tea!  But otherwise feel free to join me in laughing at that time Darth Vader literally tripped over HIS OWN SEVERED ARM AND FELL DOWN A HOLE while fighting against Luke, because that is the content I am here for in Star Wars.

[toreen-m]

Antisepticeye? What happened?

I guess this is related to the post about captions in videos I think it was 2016 when in October Jacksepticeye started doing a lot of Antisepticeye related content to build up towards Halloween and I sucked that shit up like a sponge, I loved it. I watched every single video he uploaded in that month, even about series' that I usually didn't watch , just to see if there's any Antisepticeye content in it. My problem back then was that my headphones broke and my speakers weren't the best, so I relied a lot on the captions, because I was also insanely worried about bothering my parents when I watched my videos. Usually it wasn't a big deal, but anytime Anti showed up in a screenflash, background or very directly and open in a video, his text was in a font called "Zalgo" which made the text look like this

Left is the normal and right is the "translated" version. Back then Sean made a lot of the captions himself, but a ton of it was also made by fans so idk who is to blame for this. When you make this text you can edit it a bit in "craziness" etc. and depending how hard someone went with it, it became barely readable. Combine that with my glasses being broken at that time and a concentration level of over the max, this was really hard to read for me. Also a lot of people commented on the caption with stuff like "isn't that scary?" "Oooh creepy , I likey" etc. which made it confusing, because sometimes I couldn't tell apart if something was said by Sean or a comment. In all honesty, I know it was just meant in a funny way and to match it Anti and I used that font a lot in RPs as well later on, but it would've been a bit less frustrating and headache building if people just wrote "*distorted voice* (what he says)" yknow I'm not mad or upset about it anyways because I also used to put commentary into captions (but really don't do it, it only leads to confusion) but this was the first thing I thought of when I saw that post about captions and commentary :)

[asleepinawell]

Book Recs

I was gonna do one of these at the end of the year, but I’ve somehow managed to read 26 books this year already (12 novellas, 14 novels), almost all featuring queer authors and/or characters so this is already a long list.

Note: There’s a few on here I was kind of meh about, but in most of those cases it was a ‘book might be good but it’s not for me so i’ll mention it to put it on people’s radar anyway’ type of thing. Insert the usual necessary tumblr disclaimer about all of this being only my opinion and your opinions are valid too etc etc.

In order of when I read them:

Princess Floralinda and the Forty-Flight Tower by Tamsyn Muir - Fantasy novella from the author of gideon the ninth that’s a twist on the classic princess trapped in a tower waiting for a prince story. Quite fun. (novella)

The Monster of Elendhaven by Jennifer Giesbrecht - Dark fantasy about revenge and magic. m/m couple but like I said it’s pretty dark and twisted all around so definitely not a happy queer romantic story. My opinion was interesting premise that could have been executed better and probably should have been a full novel to embellish on the world building potential. (novella)

A Memory Called Empire & A Desolation Called Peace - Arkady Martine - Probably tied with murderbot as the best things I read this year. Scifi, f/f couple, wonderfully done exploration of what it means to fall in love with a culture that is destroying your own. More of the many queer anti-imperialist books that have come out recently and certainly some of the best. The second one is a direct continuation of the first. (2 novels)

The Tyrant Baru Cormorant - Seth Dickinson - This is the third in the Baru Cormorant series (The Masquerade) and was my favorite so far. The second and third book were originally one book that got split I believe and the second book didn’t stand alone as well (though was still great), but the third book really made up for that. Dark fantasy world starring a queer woc whose country and culture is destroyed by the imperial forces of that world colonizing and assimilating them. She vows revenge and decides to work her way up within her enemy’s ranks to enact it from within and bring an empire to ruins. Really really fascinating study of so many different aspects of our own world and the systems which enable and allow bigotry and how bigoted and violent narratives are used to control minorities. This is definitely a darker series and I was particularly impressed with some of the commentary on the racism prevalent in non-intersectional feminism as depicted through a fantasy world. Can’t wait for the last one to come out! (3 novels, 1 forthcoming)

The Murderbot Diaries - Martha Wells - There’s six of them--5 novella and a novel--and the first is All Systems Red. Told from the point of view of a self-aware droid/android that is rented out by a corporation to provide protection in a dystopian capitalist hellhole future that isn’t that unlike our current capitalist dystopia but is in space. Muderbot hacked the chip that controlled it and instead of going rogue just wants to be left alone to watch its favorite tv shows. Murderbot is painfully relatable and the books are both funny and poignant. Highly recommended. (5 novellas and a novel).

Winter’s Orbit - Everina Maxwell - This was a m/m romance novel with a scifi backdrop of royal intrigue. Generally I’m more into scifi with a queer relationship in the background than vice versa, so it wasn’t my favorite, BUT I think it was still well written and someone looking for more of the romance angle would enjoy it. Has all your favorite romance tropes in it, especially the yearning. (novel)

The Divine Cities - Robert Jackson Bennett - Three book series. I’m very conflicted about this one. Set in a fantasy world where an enslaved nation overthrew the country enslaving them and now rules over them. It’s a story of what happens after the triumphant victory and within that it’s also a murder mystery tied into the dying magic of the conquered nation. It also has a six foot something naked oily viking man fist fight a cthulhu in a frozen river. The second book was by far my favorite, mostly due to the main character being brilliant. My conflict comes from the fact I don’t feel like the story treated its women and queer characters well. Like it had really great characters but it didn’t do great by them overall. That and the third book didn’t live up to the first two. But still definitely worth a read, can’t stress enough how cool some of the world building was. (3 novels)

Into the Drowning Deep - Mira Grant - This might be the only one on here I disliked. It’s got a doomed boat voyage and creepy underwater terror and monsters and a super diverse cast of characters, but I just didn’t enjoy the writing style. While having a diverse cast is great, there were a lot of moments where it felt like characters were pausing to explain things about themselves that felt like a tumblr post rather than a normal conversation you might have while actively being hunted by monsters. I also bounced off all the characters. But a lot of people seem to have liked it so if you’re into horror and want a book with a f/f main couple then maybe you’ll enjoy it. (novel)

Dead Djinn Universe - P. Djèlí Clark - Around the early 1900′s, a man in Egypt discovers a way to access another world and bring Djinn and mysterious clockwork beings called Angels through. As a result, Egypt tells the British to get fucked and Cairo becomes one of the most powerful cities in the world. So Egypt, magic, djinn, a steampunk-ish vibe, oh and the main character is a butch queer woman who enjoys wearing dapper suits and looking fabulous while she investigates supernatural events. Her girlfriend is also mysterious and badass. And she has a cat. There’s three novella (one of which technically might be considered a short story) and then the first novel. You should absolutely read the novellas first (A Dead Djinn in Cairo, The Angel of Khan el-Khalili, The Haunting of Tram Car 015). Super fun and imaginative series. (3 novellas and a novel, more forthcoming)

River of Teeth & Taste of Marrow - Sarah Gailey - From the book description

“In the early 20th Century, the United States government concocted a plan to import hippopotamuses into the marshlands of Louisiana to be bred and slaughtered as an alternative meat source. This is true. Other true things about hippos: they are savage, they are fast, and their jaws can snap a man in two. This was a terrible plan.”

Queer hippo riders!!!! Very much a western but with hippos. Main couple included a non-binary character. Loved the first one. The second one I was more meh about due to one of the characters I was supposed to like having obnoxious man pain that a woman had to take the brunt of the whole time. Also there were less hippos. But queer hippo riders! Definitely read the first one, and they’re both novellas so no reason not to read the second as well. (2 novellas)

A Psalm for the Wild-Built - Becky Chambers - I may be the only person who hasn’t read the long way to a small angry planet at this point, but I did grab her new novella and I loved it. It made me want to go sit out in the woods and feel peaceful. The world it’s set in feels like a peaceful post-apocalypse...or diverted apocalypse maybe. Humans built robots and robots gained sentience, but instead of rebelling they just up and left and went into the wilderness with a promise that the humans wouldn’t follow them.The remaining human society reshaped itself into something new and peaceful. It’s the story of a monk who leaves their habitual monking duties to go be a tea monk and then later wanders into the wilderness and becomes the first human in ages to meet a robot. Very sad there’s no fan art yet. (novella, more forthcoming)

The March North - Graydon Saunders - This was such a weird book that I’m not sure how to explain it. The prose style is hard to get used to and I suspect a lot of people will bounce off it in the first chapter. There’s no third person pronouns used at all and important events get mentioned once in passing and if you blink you’ll miss them. Set on a world where magic is extremely common to the point that rivers sometimes run with blood or fire and the local weeds are something out of a horror movie and most of the world is run by powerful sorcerer dictators, one country banded together (with the help of a few powerful sorcerers who were tired of all the bullshit) to form a free country where powerful sorcerers wouldn’t rule and the small magics of every day folks could be combined to work together. The story revolves around a Captain of the military force on the border who one day has three very powerful sorcerers sent to them by the main government with the hint that just maybe there’s about to be a big invasion (there is) with the implication of take these guys and go deal with this. The world building is extremely complex and very cool...when you can actually understand what the fuck is going on. There is also a murder sheep named Eustace who breathes fire and eats just about everything and is a Very Good Boy and belongs to the most terrifying sorcerer in the world who appears as a little old grandma with knitting. It had one of the most epic badass and wonderfully grotesque battles I’ve ever read. But yeah, it is not what I would call easy reading. Opinions may vary wildly. I did also read the second one (A Succession of Bad Days) in the series which was easier to follow and had a lot more details about the world, but overall I was more meh about it despite some cool aspects. The chapters and chapters of the extreme details of building a house that made up half the novel just weren’t my thing. (novels).

The Space Between Worlds - Micaiah Johnson - In this world parallels universes exist and we’ve discovered how to travel between them, but the catch is you can only go to worlds where the ‘you’ there is already dead. This turns into an uncomfortable look at who would be the people most likely to have died on many worlds and how things like class and race would fit into that and what we would actually use this ability for (if you guessed stealing resources and the stock market you’d be correct). The main character is a queer woc who travels between worlds with the assistance of her handler (another queer woc) who she has the hots for. She accidentally stumbles on a whole lot of mess and conspiracy and gets swept up in that. Really enjoyed it. (novel)

Witchmark - C.L. Polk - Fantasy world reminiscent of Victorian England (I think?) where a young man with magical gifts runs away from his powerful family to avoid being exploited by them. He joins the army and fights in a war and comes home to try and live a quiet life as a doctor, but a murder pulls him into a larger mystery that upturns his life. Also he’s extremely gay and there’s a prevalent m/m romance. This one was a fun-but-not-mind-blowing one for me. (novel, 2 more in the series I haven’t read)

The Priory of the Orange Tree - Samantha Shannon - This was one of those that everyone loved but I couldn’t get into for some reason. I tried twice and only got about halfway through the second time. It’s got dragons and queer ladies and fantasy world and all the things I like, but I wasn’t that invested in the main story (which included the f/f couple) and was more interested in the smaller story about a woman trying to become a dragon rider. There are few things that beat out a lady and her dragon friend story for me and that was the storyline that felt neglected and took a different turn right when we got to the part I’d been waiting for. But, I know a lot of people whose reading opinions I respect who loved it, and if you like epic fantasy with dragons and queens and treachery and pirates and queer characters then I’d say you should definitely give it a try. (novel)

Bonus: I didn’t read these series this year, but if you haven’t read them yet, you should.

Imperial Radch (Ancillary Justice) - Ann Leckie - Spaceship AI stuck in a human body out for revenge for their former captain, but that summary does not come close to doing it justice. Another one examining imperialism and also gender and race.(3 novels)

Kushiel's Legacy Series - Jacqueline Carey - This is two series, six books total, and starts with Kushiel's Dart. Alternate universe Renaissance-y Europe in a fantastical world where sex isn't shameful and sex workers are respected and prized. Lots of political intrigue and mystery. A lot of BDSM and kinky stuff too (the main character is a sexual masochist, oh and also bi!). I first read this series when I was fifteen or sixteen and it definitely made a big impression on me. Same author also wrote the Santa Olivia series which I’d also recommend. (6 novels)

The Locked Tomb (Gideon the Ninth) - Tamsyn Muir - I mean, if you follow me, you know. If you don’t follow me you still probably know. I’d have felt remiss to have left them off though. Lesbian Necormancers in Space. Memes! Skeletons! Biceps! Go read them. (2 novels, 2 forthcoming, 1 short story)

Books On My To Read List:

Fireheart Tiger - Aliette de Bodard

The Order of the Pure Moon Reflected in Water - Zen Cho

Black Sun - Rebecca Roanhorse

This Is How You Lose the TIme War - Amal El-Mohtar and Max Gladstone

Ninefox Gambit - Yoon Ha Lee

Also, if anyone has any recs for scifi/fantasy books starring queer men (not necessarily having to do with a queer relationship) and written by queer men I’d love them. There’s a lot written by women, and some of them are great, but I’d love to read a story about queer men from their own perspective.