#not bwing the same person as when you started

[mindlessfandomindulgence]

don't mark your fics as complete if you're abandoning them I beg

[northwestcomixcollective]

post epilogue au bill jerry mandi schizoposting delirium whatever hte fuck Context here im quoting comic books and literature no one on tumblrs ever heard of its mostly for archive purposes and the people that care at least a little bit

i sort of picture bills homosexuality as sort of like a thing he would never admit to or act upon and especially with jerry being the only guy who's ever tried to reach out to him and be kind to him to touch him to reach out etc etc being deprived of human touch for 10 years i definitely think they're gay i picture him as a bukowski or crumb bu,t in the way they objectify and degrade women and not the sort of intellectual type and at the same time bwing q repressed homosexual virgin in his late twenties is something i really want to explore

sex isnt everythinf but seeing how important it is for them and how significative and how women are sexual objects and all i think it definitely affects his view on himselg

i think there's this underlying animalistic urge to be close and be together theyve been around eachother since they were kids they really have no one else that's been through what they've been through and even though jerry wants to let go bill is still stuck on it which is why he's so clingy to jerry he's the only thing he has left really the only person that reached out the only guy that somewhat cares i wouldnt be talking about bill clinging on like a koala ofherwise he really does """"love"""" jerry jn the sense he let him stay he touches his shoulder he gave him a change of clothes despite everything that hapoened see gif below

i definitely want there to be a scene of bill breaking down and being liek Jerry....... i like men.......... and just like crying geeking and jerry holding him close and putting his cold nose on his neck and telling him it's all finewhile holding him he caresses him blalallaa whatever for the first time in like 30 something years he feels appreciated loved and held jerry doesnt even know what he's doing holding this piece of shit garbage scum that said the most obscene garbage to his girlfriend who is in the next room ten years ago i think for jerry its also nice to hold him because his parents never really did it which is sort of shown in the pilot where he holds himself when he's excited or nervous as a self soothing method and he feels like hes giving the love he never really received as a child See picture below

in his mind bill really could change. Because he really could change he just needed the right people around him. the resentment he feels towards bill fluctuates he resents him for everything that happened at comic-con he resents him for never treating him well when they were younger he resents him for waltzing into his house drenched in snot rain and tears and taking up space in what was supposed to be a place he could be comfortable and at peace in

billjer i wanted to compare it to ralf könig's "swiss bliss" but bills friends aren't nearly as tolerant of gays as the guys friends who tell him he isnt gay and he's not like that and they dont believe it theyd straigjt up just exile him i think it's more like "maybe ... maybe not" again by ralf könig picture attached below jerry would never make a move first i think bills vulnerable situation and lack of human contact and sort of praise and appreciation he has for jerry for housing him would sort of bring him to do it i think if they ever got to kiss or make out like this styleit would be during a heated argument or while they're drunk they wouldnt be able to stop thems3lves but if it ever escalates i think jerry could easily let bill go and let him slam his head against something and just go into another room and start pacing fucking freaking out see picture below,

if anyone wants to jump me for shipping bill and mandi its3now or never SCREAM ID YOU LOVE BILL AND MANDI

although i asked dorkin and he already told me it isnt true i still want to explore mandi being the same girl that walked into joe's comic book store in "this monster, this fan" because of the character dynamics i could explore and thoughts and interpretations i dont givea fuck im schizoposting about bill blowing jerry im basically doing whatever i wajt with the already existing comic thog dont care i think they both remember the day really clearly but since bill is so so focused on jerry he barely even glances at her because she was basically violated by like. what 15 men in a comic book store including grown men taking a picture of her like thats vile bill doesnt want to think about it he doesn't want to confront her or say anything ever because the humiliation of already being in someone else's house eating their food taking up space is too much

see earlier mention of crumb

the way crumb depicts women as something divine unachievable incomprehensible and as sex objects and puts them in the strangest most violent situations where is definitely something i see bill in especially in the epilogue where he and the rest just start babbling about how the female cosplayers are too ugly fat or arent white and dont fit their standards the way they're always depicted reading smut pornography or just looking at pinups of women (sometimes in violent situations as well) and the interaction he had at joe's all formed and turned his mindset into something utterly vile negative and disgustifn

see previous mention of bukowski

in this book the narrator is always pointing out faults in women i definitely see him as bill in the sense of being so negative hateful and even when in love he still manages to criticize his potential lover it could be bill and mandi but their relationship is much more complex to me since neither of them actually love eqchpther they just carnally need one another the way he's just really pathetic drunk and all just reminds me of bill as well mandi hates bill for being a man she's attracted to him because he's so fucking pathetic and gross it's exciting bill is attracted to mandi because she's a woman he detests her for being a stupid cunt who speaks her mind and is independent theyre both secretly having an affair one is slightly homoerotic the other one is just straight up abusive bill doesnt like to talk to anyone in the house he's extremely embarrassed and ashamed not only because he's in his friends house living there with his girlfriend who he hates but because he had the balls to reach out for help especially from a guy who beat the shit out of him last time they ever saw eachother mandi tries to talk it out but bill is so unbelievably childish he doesn't speak to anyone or do anything he's just silent i love them because they beat the shit out of eachofher and bill is a sexist pig and mandi is a woman they're all having an affair with eachother if any of them find out the other one is dating everything will go down genuinely but it wont since they're all too busyv hiding something from the other

i definitely think he would crash out on her but in the most like. formal way possible because he doesnt want to get kicked out and its shown he sort of knows when it's appropriate to shut up unlike josh who just starts geeking

+ jerry & mandi sketch im not finishing to get a glimpse into what i picture them both to be. healthy happy and everything good

[watchingspnagain]

Rewatching 99 Problems

Welcome to “Abomination Boys are Hot: A Supernatural Rewatch Blog” with Lor and Mace!

Up today, s5e17: 99 Problems.

Sam and Dean get help fending off some demons chasing them in the form of an anti-demon roadblock and some locals who seems to know Enochian. Turns out an entire small town has turned into demon hunters, led by a pastor and his daughter, who appears to be a prophet. But things start looking hinky pretty quick, and when Cas shows up, he’s got the skinny on the preacher’s daughter: she’s the Whore of Babylon and she’s turned the town into a cult. She can only be killed with a special stake wielded by a servant of heaven, which Cas says rules both boys right out (Dean because he’s stubborn and Sam because he’s an abomination). But in the end, Dean is able to gank her, then he takes to the road in a snit to see Lisa and, essentially, tell her goodbye, I guess? Oh, and Cas found a liquor store and drank it because he’s bummed about God turning out to be a deadbeat dad.

Below is a log of our real-time reactions as we watched. Remember that there may be spoilers for any part of SPN’s 15-season run here. Note also that the nature of our conversation is adult and thus it may contain adult language and themes.

 [and we begin:]

Lor:

that looked like he had a clutch and I SWEAR Baby is an automatic

  Mace:

huh

  Lor:

how come THEY never thought of a holy water cannon

  Mace:

RIGHT?!

  Lor:

"those were demons and this is the apocalypse"

  Mace:

omg this dude thinking he knows more than our boys

  Lor:

Dean's little eyebrow raise

  Mace:

sit down, kid

YES

  Lor:

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

daaang the shotguns in church

  Mace:

it's what bwings us togevah today

  Lor:

HAAAAHAHAHAHA

  Mace:

seems bout right for the midwest

  Lor:

"you missed a few" LOOK DUDE

"someone's telling you somethin"

  Mace:

“angels. awesome.”

  Lor:

"the angels, awesome"

YES

  Mace:

HAHAHAHA

  Lor:

"snappy little exorcism spell"

  Mace:

boys, this feels like a cult. run.

  Lor:

he is SUS

YEP

  Mace:

YEP

“but you are the cutest”

  Mace:

jesus, Dean

HAHAHA CAS

Bleak, Dean. BLEAK.

  Lor:

he needs to simmer down

I love Cas not understanding tech

  Mace:

YES

  Lor:

"downright pious" DEAN WINCHESTER

"our Father in heaven" "not so much"

  Mace:

HAAAAHAHAHA

  Lor:

I kind of want to elbow him for being that way in church but he's NOT WRONG

  Mace:

I am completely fine with him being that way in church. Church is dumb.

  Lor:

haaaahahahaha

I... generally feel like if one is in someone else's church one should keep one's correct mutterings to oneself, but. Still. Yeah

was the music dude on vacay this week? what is this?

  Mace:

HAHAHA right?! weird soundtrack

  Lor:

when it's SO BAD like this I always wonder if it's some rights things or something and mean to go check my DVDs to see if it ALSO has terrible music but then I can't be arsed

oooh somebody has a crush on Dean...

"one more time, you can drive" I believe Sammy should be driving a lot more if that is the rubric, DeanDean

Ooooooo YES

  Mace:

yeah my suspicions are the same about the rights to the music

HAHAHA right?!

but that’s just Dean flirting

  Lor:

see, if you drink beer and have crushes on men, you get killed by a demon

  Mace:

YUP

  Lor:

LADY. HOW? is it their fault?

  Mace:

plus, Dean can’t get close to people because they get kilt. Or worse.

EXPELLED

  Lor:

has she clocked the queerness or is she just... whatever?

  Lor:

HAAAAAAHAHAHAHA

  Mace:

she’s just a mom who lost her son. i’ll allow it

  Lor:

mmmm. okay, I'll concede that. I'm just super not down with these folks

  Mace:

no i’m not either and she’s annoying. but still.

not nearly as annoying as prophet princess here

  Lor:

RIGHT?

get outta here with your chaste shirt ruffles

  Mace:

HAHAHA

  Lor:

"outlawed 90% of your personality." now, now, Sammy

  Mace:

HAHAHA he’s not wrong

oh DEAN

  Lor:

oh come on, Dean's personality is AT LEAST 15% unfortunate male 20th century authors he's read

  Mace:

SNORK!! fair point

  Lor:

Dean, honey, this is not the answer. the answer is a lake house with Cas

  Mace:

YEP

  Lor:

"you're chosen." "more like cursed" that IS what being chosen is, Dean. you should know this

  Mace:

right?

  Lor:

NONE of these people had a nanny, come on

Mace:

snork!

  Lor:

"I'm just pretty sure God stopped caring a long time ago"

I love that for them it is not a question of belief in his EXISTENCE it's belief in his goodness

  Mace:

ooof

Sammy is cute when he gets his panties in a twist about cults

  Lor:

yeeeeeah, it's a cult. YEP, Sammy, nail on the head. fundie bullshit

LOLOLOLOL he IS

"since the angels got the only lifeboats on the Titanic" oh, Dean

  Mace:

poor DeanDean is so done

  Lor:

he really is

he needs a little lesson in faith. in himself. from Cas

  Mace:

ope, playing the little brother card. nice one, Sam

  Lor:

LOL

  Mace:

YAS

  Lor:

"it's past curfew" in that little bitchy voice. I love him

  Mace:

YASYASYAS

snitches get stitches, Leiah

  Lor:

god this is fundie cult 101: do what we say otherwise you won't see your loved ones in heaven. I HATE IT

LOL

  Mace:

YEP

  Lor:

OMG DRUNK CAS

  Mace:

AND I DRANK IT

HAHAHAHA YAS

  Lor:

"I found a liquor store. AND I DRANK IT"

  HAAAAAHAHAHAHA

"she's not a prophet"

I love his attitude

  Mace:

“then what is she” figure it out, Sammy

YES

  Lor:

gee, Sam, something bad probably

"need a hand, padre"

  Mace:

“what country is this?” Canada, obvs, based on how that guy just say ‘sorry’

YES

  Lor:

HAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA

"now you're standing against the flock"

  Mace:

OOOF

  Lor:

Jesus ben Joseph is TWIRLING in his... well

HAHAHA

  Mace:

ON A BENDER

HAHAHA

  Lor:

"you all right?" "yes, it's not my blood" and he CLEARLY isn't all right

YES

"it... is not of import" haaaaaaaaaaaahahahahaha

  Mace:

YEP

  Lor:

SOMEONE GET CAS SOME WATER

"the whore of Babylon" "that's catchy"

  Mace:

HAHAHA

  Lor:

IT'S FUNNIER IN ENOCHIAN

  Mace:

“it’s funnier in enochian"

HAHAHA

  Lor:

YAAAAAS

"innocent blood spilled in God's name" 

OOOF

"pimp of Babylon" DEAN

  Mace:

SNORK

  Lor:

ope "the greater good" time to bounce

  Mace:

YEP

“sam of course is an abomination"

  Lor:

"not you. or me. Sam, of course, is an abomination"

CAS

DUDE. be nicer to your brother in law

  Mace:

that’s alright. abominations are hot

  Lor:

HAAAAAHAHAHAHA

okay, you all, you are ALL sinners! have none of them done the reading?

  Mace:

Lor, you’re making the rookie mistake of thinking that religious people in groups use any sort of logic or thinking processes

  Lor:

grumble mumble

I was just thinking this is kind of a remarkable little bit of commentary on American fundamental Christianity

"and you're an angel of heaven" "poor example of one" Cas! you're the best of all those bastards

  Mace:

YES

lookit the boyfriends bonding over their shitty dads

  Lor:

YAAAAS

and shared ibuprofen

  Mace:

YES

  Lor:

sharing ibuprofen is a big step

  Mace:

HUGE

lady, read the room

  Lor:

"pretty sure you're headed in a different direction" you tell her, Dean

  Mace:

YAS

  Lor:

"are you gonna do something stupid?" what are the odds, Sam?

  Mace:

SNORK!!

  Lor:

ooof him saying he's not gonna be okay

  Mace:

yeah

DEAN WINCHESTER

  Lor:

that's how you do that, Winchesters

  Mace:

HAHAHA

  Lor:

see, Sammy, always play the odds

  Mace:

these two

  Lor:

he could find where she moved to but not her number?

  Mace:

right!? I’m confused

  Lor:

"it's with you. and the kid." I think it's mostly the kid

right?

  Mace:

how does she not just grab him and start going to town on him after that?

  Lor:

RIGHT?

"like your kind of bad?"

  Mace:

ooof

DEAN. WINCHESTER. NO.

  Lor:

"whatever you're thinking of doing, don't do it" best thing she ever says

  Mace:

YEP

and HOW is he extra beautiful in this scene?!

WHAT ARE THEY DOING TO US

  Lor:

RIGHT?

HOW DO THEY DO IT?

  Mace:

OOOOF

  Lor:

now that they're setting her up as a love interest, she's in a MUCH lower income house

  Mace:

HAHAHA YEP I noticed that too

  Lor:

it's nice but before she was in a new development and everything was all new and shiny and white

YES

  Mace:

YEP

[beatrice-otter]

Period Fic Primer: Mawwiage is what Bwings Us Togethah Today

Welcome to my next installment of the Period Fic Primer, where I talk about stuff that period fic often gets wrong! Today we're going to talk about how people think about marriage. Because about 90% of the time, when I read a period fic with a romance in it, it's pretty obviously modern people with modern ideas about love who just happen to be wearing funny clothing. And, I mean, if that's what floats your boat, go for it! But if you want to write something with characters who feel they might actually come from the time period the story is set in, here are some things to think about. Stop me if you've read this fic/watched this movie: Our hero and heroine are In Love. But there is a problem! There is a class difference! Their families have other ideas of who they should marry! The hero and heroine don't understand how anyone can stand in the way of True Love! What kind of monsters could want someone to marry without being in love with their new spouse?

That reaction--that assumption that of course being in love is the only and most important reason for marriage--is extremely modern. People have fallen in and out of love throughout human history, it's something most humans do; and falling in love with the wrong people is also fairly common. But the idea that romantic love and marriage are naturally connected is a modern idea which was only starting to come into popularity in the Regency.  Instead, up until the late Victorian era, most people (of all social classes) would have agreed more with Max instead:

In most times and places, marriage has had two primary functions: 1) consolidate/amass resources needed to sustain the family, and 2) pass those resources on to the next generation so that the family will continue to prosper. Why? Well, to answer that, we have to back up a bit. Did you know that, throughout history, most communities were only one bad year away from famine and people starving to death? This is not an abstract thing. It didn't happen most years, but it happened regularly enough that it was never far from peoples' minds. Also, farming up through the late middle ages took huge amounts of backbreaking labor. In a good year, you'd have a surplus, and could sell it to get some extra stuff. In an ordinary year, you'd have enough to survive on. In a bad year, people died. Organizing things so that you and your family and your community--the people you cared about--would have the best chance at survival in a bad year was really important. Now. Where do the resources come from? From the land. If you want to farm, you need land. If you want to mine, you need land. For pretty much anything, you need land. Making sure that you have access to the land you need--and that your children will have access to it--was a really big deal. For the few things that didn't need land, but rather used the products of the land and turned it into something else--all the trades, basically--there was also a lot of concern for how to balance things so that the people already in the trade can be sure that they and their families will have what they need to continue on in the trade. Access to resources was a huge deal. For most of human history, in most places, that's been one of the most important considerations for marriage. It's all about who has access to resources, and how they are going to pass those resources down to the next generation intact so that their children will have enough to live on. This looked different at different levels of society and in different cultures, but if you ask yourself "where are they getting resources from" and "how do those resources flow from one generation to the next" and "what effect is a prospective marriage going to have not just on the couple, but on their family and community" and questions like that, a lot of different marriage customs suddenly make a lot more sense. I'm going to be using European examples (mostly English), but these are the questions you need to ask if you're doing any worldbuilding or writing historical fiction. Because these things matter. On the small farm community level, in England, farming mostly happened as a communal thing. That is, specific families would lease specific fields, but everyone in the village would come together to help and some things would be used in common. (The growing trend in 17th-19th Centuries of rich people enclosing common lands and using them for their own good instead of the common good is one reason poverty in the 19th Century was so dire.) But you needed to control how many kids there were: it was a balance between having enough hands to do the work, and having few enough mouths that you could afford to feed them all. So the eldest son would inherit the lease, he'd have enough to get married, and the younger sons would work for him and the community but not have the ability to get married because they wouldn't be able to feed their kids. If they worked hard, they might be able to take over the lease of another local family that had a tragedy; if they left the village they might have an opportunity somewhere else to find another way to make a living (but that was extremely rare, because people would make sure opportunities went to their own kin first so you'd probably end up doing the same sort of hard work for nothing more than room and board in a different village). To marry, you need resources; you need to be able to feed your children. And, ideally, you want your spouse to be able to contribute to those resources. So the girls would spend years building up a store of household goods, hoping to marry one of the older sons who had a lease and therefore could afford a family; if you didn't snag one of them, you probably didn't marry, and ended up doing the sort of hard-labor-for-nothing-more-than-room-and-board that your younger brothers were doing. It sucked for the younger children, but it made sure that there usually weren't more children than the land could support. It's not about love; it's about who could afford to support a family. (In many places on the continent, they divided the land up equally between all the sons, and that was fairer but ended up with lots of cases where there were simply too many mouths to feed.) If you had a trade--you were a blacksmith, say, or a weaver, or a tanner, or a cooper, or a baker--well, there was a finite amount of work in any given area. You would pass on the trade to one of your sons, and the others you would try to find jobs as apprentices in the hope that they might one day be able to open up their own shop, but realistically most of them wouldn't. And realistically, most of them would never have enough money to get married and support a family unless they were able to open a shop of their own ... or marry the only daughter of someone with such a shop, or the widow of one. And even if you weren't marrying to get the shop, you wanted someone whose family was in the same trade, because even if women were rarely formally apprenticed in a craft, there was a lot less hard division between "men's work" and "women's work" and it was much easier to run a successful shop if both spouses knew how to go about it. So you might fall in love with someone from a farming family ... but (if you had the money and resources to marry) you'd still probably end up marrying someone from the trade you'd been brought up to. Because, again, it's not about love; it's about making sure you have the resources (skills and equipment and contacts, in this case) to build a comfortable life and support a family. And also, about making sure you have connections with the people who are most likely to have the things you need in your daily life. If you were of the gentry or nobility, well, they were rich enough they weren't going to starve in a bad year, but they had a correspondingly greater desire to keep and maintain that status for their children. So the oldest son inherits the main bulk of the lands; the younger sons get professions like the army and the navy and the church, which may or may not pay them enough to support a family; the daughters get lump sums of money called a dowry. And you want to keep all that lovely money in the family. You want to keep the land intact. You want to keep the power intact. You want to make sure that your children will have the best life possible ... which means they need resources, which means you need to marry appropriately. You might fall in love, but if the person you love isn't an appropriate match, then you're probably not going to marry them because marriage is about collecting resources and keeping them in the family over generations. In all these cases, according to the society and mores of the day, if you allow your child to marry outside their sphere simply because they've fallen in love--if they marry "beneath" them, or if they marry when they don't have the resources to support a family, or if they marry someone from a different trade/walk of life--you are a bad parent. So they're in love, who cares. Love will not feed your grandchildren. I mean, if you're a decent parent you'll care about making sure their spouse is a good person they can get along with, but as long as the spouse is not actively abusive, marrying someone they don't care for (but who has the resources for marriage) is far more likely to end happily than marrying someone they love who doesn't have the resources. I mean, if you're a farm girl and you marry a younger son of a farming family who doesn't have land of his own, all it takes is one bad year and you and all your kids starve. If you're in a trade and you marry someone from outside the trade, your shop is less likely to suceed. If you have money and land and marry someone who is lower class, you will be socially outcast and likely fall in social status and wealth and being ostracized from your community has negative repercussions for you and your children. Our bone-deep association with marriage is that it's about love. But prior to the 19th Century, romantic love was a bonus in marriage. If you found someone you were in love with who loved you who was the right social group and had the right resources, that was awesome! But the right social group and the right resources was far more important to have. Think about that. Think about what it means to have "being in love" be an optional add-on, a nice thing if you can get it, rather than the purpose of marriage. And it's not even something that has to be related to marriage at all. Consider the medieval idea of courtly love, where knights would fall deeply, powerfully in love with great ladies, be visibly devoted to them, write them all sorts of love poetry ... and never put any serious thought to marrying them or even sleeping with them because relationships/marrriage and romantic love were in two mostly-separate conceptual boxes. Loving someone from afar was the ideal, not the tragedy. You'd be surprised how much of the social mores of the pre-20th Century world were based on "we have to keep resources in the family and make sure our resources are passed on to the next generation." Obviously, things directly related to marriage and inheritance, like entailments and marriage settlements and wills were a part of it, but also things like "who talks to whom." You know all those rules about needing to be properly introduced to someone in order to talk to them? And the husband/father needing to call on someone and make their acquaintance before the wife and/or daughters can meet him? That's about making sure your daughters only marry the right people. They can't fall in love with a guy they never talk to, or at least, it's harder to do so. If you only ever talk to the "right" people and you fall in love, your love is going to be one of the "right" people and you can safely marry them. If you only talk to the "right" people, anyone that you don't know (and that none of your friends know) is obviously not the "right" sort of person, and so if you never come into contact with them, the chances of them being able to marry into your circle of family and friends is much reduced. This is one of the reasons why connections were so valuable, too: if you were at the lowest rung of the gentry but had a cousin who was in a far higher level, you would probably get invited to their parties sometimes, and your kids might be able to marry up into that sphere because they had an "in." It's all about keeping all that lovely money in the family not just in this generation but for the generations to come. You will notice that I have been assuming that every marriage will produce children. These people didn't have contraceptives, just abortificants, and those abortificants were dangerous. If you weren't infertile, and you got married, you were probably going to have children. And if you didn't have children, it was seen as a great tragedy that (especially for women) lowered your social status. But even in cases of infertility, whatever wealth you had would pass down to the family because chances were you would have a niece or nephew to adopt. If there were any relations living, someone in the family would get it. But the ideal was for the couple to have children, because then both of the families that put resources into the marriage get a share of the wealth through the children who inherit it. It's all about keeping resources in the family. This changed over the course of the 19th Century, but it changed slowly. Consider Austen's novels. In Sense and Sensibility, of the two couples in love we see, Elinor and Mr. F can't marry until Mr. F has resources under his control (an appointment as a vicar), and Marianne and Willoughby ends in tragedy, and the happy ending for Marianne is marrying the nice-but-boring-and-dependable guy with lots of land (and hence wealth). In Pride and Prejudice, Jane wants to marry for love, Elizabeth wants to marry someone she respects (and ends up with someone she loves AND respects, because she is a virtuous heroine), and Charlotte just wants to be married to someone with good prospects even if he's an idiot. (If you're protesting about Elizabeth wanting to marry for love, you're thinking about an adaptation or fic, because it isn't in the book; she explicitly starts considering him as a desirable marriage partner when she visits Pemberly and sees a) how responsibly it's managed and b) how well he treats his servants and sister, i.e. the people he could abuse with impunity if he wanted to.) In Mansfield Park, the reason Fanny has no money or status and can be abused by Mrs Norris and her cousins is because Fanny's mother married for love and thus Fanny and her siblings are penniless and depending on charity. In Persuasion, Anne and Wentworth fall in love but don't marry because, while he has prospects, he can't afford a wife yet (and might not actually gain the status and wealth needed to support a family), and even after all the angst of their meeting again and thinking he would marry someone else, and they reconcile and are married, Anne still thinks that refusing him when he didn't have enough money to support a family was the right thing to do. Now, over the 19th Century, three things happened. First, the standard of living rose, mostly in the middle class and upper working classes. Second, all sorts of new opportunities developed. There were new ways of getting the resources necessary to live on besides inheriting them. Third, the novel flourished and there were all sorts of stories about true love conquering all. All of these things fed into each other. You could marry for love without it being an utter disaster, and there was a cultural stuff about marrying for love being okay. But it was a gradual change, and the higher you were in society the longer it took for that change to take hold. The upper classes in England were still marrying for social rank and money well into the mid-20th Century. To sum up: if you are writing a period fic, or a fantasy set in a low-tech world, chances are that "marrying for love" is something most people think is silly at best, and dangerously foolish at worst. Even people who fall in love and end up marrying for love might agree that they're being stupid to do so! Also, consider: 1) Who has resources? 2) How are those resources passed from generation to generation? 3) What are the social customs and mores that encourage this to happen in the "right" way? 4) What are the legal rules in place to enforce those customs and rules? 5) How does the family of the couple either benefit or lose from their marriage? If you take these factors into account, your fic will be a lot more accurate.

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[coffee-mugz]

The Institution of C1-SAS || Chapter 2

Masterlist

Chapter 1

*unedited

The next few months and years flew by, and nothing happened that was of importance to Declyn. He was tested and yes, he was indeed a genius at his age, but that just created more work for him. However, that also meant he earned plenty of points, and he could be considered one of the most well-off children in the Institution.

He rarely, if at all, caused trouble for anybody. Other than his outburst from his first day, he was obedient, he didn't talk back, and he still kept his manners. Or course, he still glared every now and then, but he was quickly disciplined afterwards. It seems that the boy, who had turned 6 now, finally let the fact that his parents won't come back to bring him home sink in his mind.

His teachers were proud of him, that was good, but he still couldn't control any of his snakes. He could only summon and get rid of the snakes at will, and even then he would sometimes summon them by accident due to his short temper. They tried fixing his anger problems, but it only seemed to worsen it, and so they stopped.

Declyn couldn't feel any worse than he did now, however. He desperately needed something to take his anger out on. The best option was punching and throwing his pillow, but after ruining several and realizing pillows were quite expensive, he was forced to stop. The endless points he received from the constant praise of his teachers would be in vain if this continued.

Not to mention, he wasn't old enough to buy a punching bag. Instead, he just had to clench his fist and wait it out, wait until the anger dissipated enough for him to think clearly. They tried fixing this, even he tried to, but he didn't know why the anger continued to accumulate. He didn't know anything. He never had this much rage boiling inside of him, his parents were quick to resolve this...but he doesn't have parents now. Hell, he doesn't even have a friend.

He tried to talk to the people in District 2 and 3, but they ignored him. The only person he talked to was Lily and his teachers, but only sometimes. He waited and waited, but there was no other "prime subject" that appeared. There was no other person he could stick around with. He was the only one in that large district, so isolating it became unbearable at times. He hated this. Just being in his white room- which they haven't changed- only added fuel to the fire.

And then, a little spark of hope appeared in his eyes as the main door opened, and in came a young child. Declyn was sitting on the large couch, juice on the table with a chapter book in hand. The boy was probably around the age of 4, just as he was when he first arrived, and he seemed to carry that same hatred inside of him.

Declyn closed his book after leaving a snake patterned bookmark snug between the pages he was reading to examine his (hopefully) new friend.

He was tall, almost as tall as he was, probably weighed more than him as well, and clearly a boy. His hair was messed up, as if he didn't bother to brush it at all, and was a light brown in color. Just a few shades lighter than his own dark brown hair. There were a few natural waves in his hair, and his eyes were a stunning emerald green, although he could see a few streaks of red appear as he scrunched up his face.

The boy's skin was an olive color, looking warm to the touch. As his snake-like powers progressed, he seemed to find it harder to maintain his temperature at normal levels, and the rooms were always somewhat cold. He could only rely on heat pads that would sometimes burn him if they got too hot. That and they would cause him to overheat sometimes.

"Hey," Declyn said, a little startled as the kid swung his head around to meet eyes with him. 

"Wh-Who…" the boy started to talk, but then turned his attention back to the door as he swung a fist at it. Declyn knew he couldn't be able to dent it- he already tried that. But to his surprise, the door not only cracked and bent, but a large, deep fist sized indentation could be seen.

"Bwing VeeVee back!" He yelled, hitting the door once again.

Declyn frowned, and clapped his hands. A large snake slithered from under the couch, and wrapped itself around the boy's body. He stumbled and almost fell, but he kept standing. He was shocked that this boy was able to break down the door so…easily.

"Don't punch the door down, it's colder outside." He shivered, as he held his arms close to his chest feeling a cold wisp of air meet his skin. The door was ruined enough that the cool air seeped through it anyways.

"T-They took VeeVee! I want B-VeeVee! I want RoRo!" The boy whined, rolling on the ground. He continued to throw this tantrum for 10 whole minutes, shaking the ground every time he jumped to the point Declyn couldn't get off the couch in fear that he would fall face-first on the ground. It got even worse until a man came barging in, angry.

"Stop it!" He growled at the boy, snapping.

"I-I want VeeVee!" He continued to whine, hitting the floor. Another dent, and another, and another.

"Fine! That child was going in here anyways. Guards!" He beckoned, and two guards dressed in all-black appeared behind him.

"Get the damn elemental brat here." The guards saluted, and left.

"And you, Remus. Deduction of 250 points. You get your 'VeeVee' back, are you happy now?" He scowled at him, crossing his arms. Declyn regained his balance, sitting up as he tried to focus on the situation. His snake that was supposed to keep Remus tied up has long disappeared, and this man must be this boy- Remus's- caretaker.

Of course, Declyn still doesn't have one as his current one is too scared to even come close to him.

"Wha 'bout RoRo?" He asked, as he stopped hitting the ground. He was calmer, thankfully.

"You don't get to see 'RoRo'. He can't be in this Institution. He's going to C2."

"I we-want RoRo!" He yelled, "RoRo!"

The man yanked Remus by the hair, pulling him up to his feet. Declyn narrowed his eyes into a glare, but the man didn't seem to notice.

"You…" He growled under his breath, before tossing Remus to the side, scowling at the boy with resentment in his eyes.

"You get 'VeeVee' and only 'VeeVee'! Unless you don't want him at all! If you whine one more time, we'll toss 'VeeVee' to the disposal room! And you'll never see him again!"

"No! No no NO!" Remus cried out, seemingly barely affected by the hair pulling.

"Then sit still and shut up! He'll be here in 10 minutes." With that, the man turned his heel and left, slamming the door closed. Declyn felt the cold air blast at him, and a cold chill ran up his spine.

There was an awkward silence between the two.  One was still staring at the door from his place on the ground, tearing up, and the other was on the couch feeling the warmth in his body slip away.

"W-Who?" Remus asked, pointing a finger at Declyn. "You?"

Declyn paused, trying to ease his shivering, and responded. "Declyn. Who are you?"

"Me...I-I'm Remus. I ha-have...a bwother. RoRo." They boy spoke slowly, as if he was unsure of what to say, and he stuttered. A speech impediment? "And then...friend. VeeVee. He...they take him. Aw-Away."

Declyn stared at the boy with a blank face. He got up, running to his room, holding his arms close to his chest, as if he were trying to block the little heat he had left from leaving. Lily was on his desk, sunbathing. He wished he could do that, but he, along with everybody else, was prohibited from stepping outside of the institution.

Then, seeing his plain white blanket on his bed, grabbed it and wrapped himself tightly in a cocoon. He then walked back out to where the boy was- Remus- and sat down next to him.

"You're friends with...VeeVee?" He asked, tilting his head as Remus's expression lit up.

"Yeah!" He exclaimed, rubbing his eyes afterwards. He looked like he was about to cry before Declyn came back.

"Then," Declyn paused, hesitating. "Will you be...my friend, too?

"Yeah!" Remus replied, "W-We friends. We're, fr-friends. VeeVee ha-have new fre-friend now."

Declyn smiled, a very small smile. It was almost nonexistent, but he knew Remus saw it. Finally, a new friend. A new friend after 2 long years of waiting.

The two of them made their way to the white couch, taking a seat together. Declyn started feeling his body temperature increasing in the blanket, and snuggled into it even more. Then, a small poke to his side; the most sensitive part of his body.

Declyn flinched back, scaring Remus as he nearly fell off.

"Sorry, don't poke me there. That…" he looked at Remus's guilty expression. He looked like he knew what he did wrong.

"Here, it's cold outside." He opened up his cocoon, gesturing for Remus to come in. Remus blinked, then crawled over, jumping in. Remus was a bit confused, as it was pretty warm outside, but didn't question it.

When his arm touched Declyn's, Remus flinched again.

"C-Cold." He stuttered out, and Declyn shook his head.

"No, you're just really warm." 

The two of them waited for the next arrival. The minutes felt short as Declyn leaned on Remus. 

"How are you so warm?" He asked, as he tried to remember a time when he felt as warm as this. He didn't.

"I-I'm not...yo-you just c-cold." Remus shivered, feeling the cool skin press on his. He didn't hate it...it was actually quite soothing. He didn't know that he had a warmer body than others, to him everybody felt somewhat cooler, but this…

He felt another chill run up his spine as Declyn's finger poked his arm. This boy felt as if he were made of ice. It was almost as bad as the unbearably cold hallways. He didn't know how somebody could live like this.

"You're cold." Declyn stated. 

"N-No. You-u cold." Remus said back.

"You're shivering. Like I did. So you're cold." Declyn was tempted to run back out of his warm cocoon to get one of his heat pads, but stopped as he heard the door click open. Well, it clicked now because it was broken. It used to be a silent door.

"VeeVee!" Remus yelled as Declyn turned his head.

What? He thought, staring at the boy who was placed down in front of the door.

He looks like a toddler...how old is he?

Indeed, the boy in front of the door him probably couldn't even stand. And he looked slightly more abnormal than the two of them.

The toddler was small, very small. He had a small tuft of black hair growing on his head, and his skin was incredibly pale. 

He turned around, trying to find the source of the familiar voice who had called to him.

And his eyes were such an enchanting color...who knew dark purple eyes existed. Yes, this boy will definitely stick out in their group of 3.

"Re? Rem?" He called out, and then started crawling towards them. He can crawl already?

"VeeVee, I here!" Remus jumped out of the cocoon, and Declyn only continued to stare.

"Rem!" The toddler laughed, and then hobbled to his feet, stretching his arms up. What was he doing? Wait- he can stand?!

"Hey Remus, it's nice to see you again." And then another person walked into the room, pushing in a baby crib full with a large amount of baby...stuff.

"TalTal!"

Chapter 3

[sleepingobsidian]

A families legacy

She first suspects that something wrong is going on with Kazuo when he practically shatters Satoru Keitos arm. Kazuo was allways an ill child, though she never quite got out of him what illness he has, so for him to shatter a 20 cm taller mans arm is quite weird. She figured it may have something to do with the superpowers that started to appear all over the world. She was fine with her best friend getting a superpower really but than he tried to distanced himself from her and got into more fights with her brother. Till she one day overhears a conversation she should never have overheard. Terryfied she walks away as quietly as she can. From thar conversation - from Kazuo. She moves away but can never fully shake the conversation from that day from her mind. Than the whispers of a supervillain breaks out. Powerfull and with the gift to take away someones superpower - their quirk. Masumi is terryfied and does something she had sworn herself to never do again. She contacts Kazuo and asks, questions that she has asked herself so many times. But she has to she has a child to think of. Aki is three and he has started to move water. It scared her at first but she could deal with that. Her husband not so much. When Kazuo asks to visit her she agrees and Aki immediatly falls in love with his uncle Kazuo. She never answered Kazukos question of the whereabouts of Akis father. Kazuo though answered all her questions.

Five years later she holds a crying Aki to her chest while they look down on Kazuos grave - holding a protective hand over her stomach.

Three months later she sees a young man use the same quirk as Kazuo, though this man also uses another quirk one he calls Black Whips. Kenji is trying but he seems to have slight problems with controlling his quirk. And with slight she means he allready broke three of her teacups, a gift from her grandmother, till she had enough. So she puts him through training in controlling his quirk. The same training Kazou put Aki and himself under. After a few years she realises that Kenji became a part of her family just like Kazou had been. She knows Kenji will do everything to protect Aki and her, he actively sought out the man who dumped her after she told him she is pregnant, but she is scared for him. Over the years she has seen the wounds on Kenji from his fight against Kazous older brother and his henchman. She is  53 (Aki is 20, Hanako is 11 and little Shizuku is 8) when Kenji, now 32, introduces an 18 year old Mitsuyu to them. By now she had gotten used to his fights against All for One (Kazous brother), gotten used to Akis waterbased quirk, Hanakos earth based one and to Shizukus wind based one. (Silently Masumi jokes to herself that if she got more children she's get children with all four elements.) She had told all three of her children what she knew about the war of One for All and All for One making them swear to never reveal it to another person. She didn't realise what things she had put into motion with that. She has gotten used to the fact that more and more people have gotten quirks. She is 60 when she dies, protecting Kenji long enough so that he can pass One for All onto Mitsuyu.

Aki is 27 when he sees his mother and his older Brother figure beeing mirdered in front of his family. His first reaction is to grab what is left of his family and run. They keep their heads down and try to not bring to much attention to them. He marries Mitsuyu and the two become a tiny little daughter, they name her Masumi for his mother. Hanako marries a psychologist by the name of Kentarou and they become twins, Kazou and Kenji. In his room Aki breaks down crying. Because he knows what that means. He and his sister might have all different dads but from the teelings of their mother and Akis own, they all feel like Kazou is their father, even though he is only Hanakos by blood. For Hanako to become twins means that in their fathers bloodline have to be twins because in their mothers aren't. He later on tells his siblings and their spouses what he find out. And they all are angry by it. For someone to actively force a quirk on their twin and than to go so far as to murder them when they try to put a stop to their evil doings. It's repulsive.

They bought a farm outside of Kyoto. One big family. Shizukus husband had brought his sister, her wife and their children with them. And they live many years there in peace. When the children come of age they tell them of their big family secret helping the users of One for All in developing and strengthening their quirk. Aki is left with their five children, the youngest just bwing two, before Mitsuyu goes of and faces All for One only with her own quirk, EMP for she emits electromagnetic pulses at different intervals, leaving One for All to Shizuku. His now 25 year old brother takes up the unwanted task with brovado. He trains and trains, works on the farm and uses it as a form of training. Their family of 20 has shrunken down to 19. Shizuku faces All for One tree times before he passes on the torch. Aki is 95 years old when he meets Gorou. Surrouned by his children, grandchildren and one great-grandchild he meets the 12 year old that takes on his fathers legacy. He is 95 years old when he passes on his mothers lsgecy to his granddaughter Maiko. A box full of books, filled with information they have gathered of One for All and All for One, protected by magic. He knows it feels weird to say that considering they live in a world with quirks but it is what it is. He once had tried to burn the books, they survived and still look new. He tells his family one last time that he loves them and than closes his eyes. Greeting his father, mother and Mitsuyu on the other side.

Maiko is 18 when she gets handed her great-grandmothers legacy. Their families legacy. Their farm just like the books are protected with magic, the oaths they've sworn binding till death. No word about All for One and One for All get's uttered without her approval. The only ones who are excempt from that Oath are the users of One for All. Maiko knows the power she now holds into her hands and it scares her. She tries to burn the books in the night but the magic holds onto strong and her quirk dies as soon as she brings it down on the books. Her family knows of the power she holds and try to make live a little easier for her, supporting her in every way they can.

She is 26, now a single mother, when the fight between Gorou and All for One almost breaks Japan apart. In the carnage many people are lost but the secret of the brothers holds on. They never find Gorous body, and she has to bury her wife without her best friend at her side. Though they lost Gorou, she can feel that he died, they never lost hope that they will find the next user of One for All because she knows Gorou passes on the torch. She passes on her legacy to the grandchild of her cousin, great-aunt Hanakos great-grandchild, without ever meeting the sixth user of One for All.

Hayate knows what is expected of the , but they still know how to life their life to the fullest. They are 35 and in France when it hits them like lightning. The sixth user of One for All has passed his torch on and is possibly dead. Panicked they take the first flight back home. In the comfort of his family home. They crie for the friend and companion they never got to know. Hayate trains and searches not wanting this to happen to another member of their family. To lose a friend and companion which they should have known. Not wanting this to happen for the seventh user of One for All, to learn on their own and to not have the companionship and support their family offerd to them. In the end they never find the next user and Hayate is painfully aware of how young their life had been to die so soon.

Hayate is 95 older than all former secretkeepers when they watch surrounded by their whole family the U.A. sports family. They are painfully aware of how often OfAs torch has been passed on in his life and it hurts, it hurts so much. The sixth, seventh and eigth user have all died. Far away from what is supposed to be their family and their home. Hayate has found the grave of the seveth user a woman named Shimura Nana, and oh the irony. Hayate as well as their family have realized that the users of OfA allways seemed to choose their succesor with a number following theirs in their name.

So to see a young boy named Midoriya Izuku ( A kanji for kyu "nine") in his name. They know and as soon as the young boy uses the gathered strenght of the users before him they wince and their family know. You Shizuku, named after the fourth user, their successor immediatly decides to meet the boy. Hayate only hopes for it to go well. They missed their chance in supporting the OfA users of their time. Little Shizuku doesn't. Though he doesn't know how helpful a six year old will be.

[xiumin-on-this-shit]

All My Idols Ch 34: Race For My Heart (Is That A Confession?)

I’m sorry I’ve been dead to the internet for a while but here you go my loves! I hope you enjoy! Sorry it’s kind of short!

“I brought chicken!” Namjoon busts in at the right time, quickly breaking the tension.

“Joonie!!” I exclaim, releasing Mark and joining Namjoon off camera. When I am out of ear shot I stare him down with pleading eyes, “I made a scene, please help me.”

He chuckles, “Of course you did, I’ll see what we can do.”

“We?”

“Hey Princess,” Zico appears behind him, he gives me a brief hug and kiss on the top of my head.

“Long time no see Oppa!” I beam at the older man.

“Sorry I’ve been really busy lately, to make up for it, I brought lots of sweets!” Like the rest of my guests Zico comes baring a large bag filled with god knows how much food.

“Yay!” I beam at him.

“Now who are we missing?” Doni hums as he corrals us all back on to the white back drop.

“Sorry, am I last?” Seungcheol is breathing heavy.

“Cheolie! You are last but you are still very much welcomed!” I once again try to rush off to greet the new comer but Doni blocks me while Coni greets the young man and leads him over. A table is placed in the center allowing the boys to put their bags down.

“Everyone please sit down, Charlie and Mark in the thrones, the rest of you get these,” He waves some crew members on, each of them carrying a basic stool that they usually use. We all settle down in our seats, things aren’t too awkward since most of them know and get along with each other. “Alright! With everyone here we can begin!” The two men come forward and begin rummaging around the bags taking note of deliciously made kimbap Mark brought before looking over to Kyungsoo’s bags. As they look through the many boxes of street food my mouth starts to water. They are joking with the idols on my left about their picks.

By the time they are digging through Zico’s bag of sweets and Seungcheol’s bag of foreign foods I’m absolutely starving. While they are laughing about something I quickly lean out of my seat and grab the container of mini kimbap without anyone noticing and begin to stuff my face. At least I thought no one noticed until I hear Zico’s loud laugh through everyone else’s and look the line to find him staring back at me with raised brows. Since they are sat in the order they arrived the three in between him and I notice him looking over and follow his gaze. They all smile at the sight of me staring back at them like a deer in headlights with wide eyes.

“Sorry, I’m just so hungry,” I mumble through my stuffed cheeks. Now everyone’s eyes are on me, crinkling on the sides as they begin to laugh.

“I’m sorry, please feel free to eat whatever you like!” The two men pick up the table and move it closer, allowing me to eat freely. I urge everyone to eat along with me getting Mark to eat only after I shove a cookie from Zico’s bag into his mouth. Everyone is humming happily, stuffing their face while the cameras zoom in and out of our faces. “So Princess,” Doni hums.

I raise a brow, “Yes?”

“Now that we have these five here lets talk about your relationships with them…”

I choke, “Relationships?”

“Yes, you see,” Doni continues as he pulls out some cards, “We picked these boys for a reason, the fans would like to see who you get along with the most.”

“Seriously?

“These boys were the top of your possible relationship list. Kyungsoo is of course on top because you listed him high on your list. The others are people who’s personality would apparently go well with your own. Mark because you are both very playful people. Rap Monster because of his declaration of love during his American award show appearance. Zico and S. Coups because fans seem to think you need a strong person to protect you and these two give off that vibe. So today we are testing this.” Suddenly staff are rolling in a little monitor that you would see in hospitals. “We are going to hook you up to this monitor and have you talk with each boy and see who makes your heart flutter the most.”

“Do I have to?”

“Yes!” Namjoon and Zico respond.

I blanch.

Coni raises a brow, “Is there something, or rather someone, you are worried about?”

“Of course not! Hook me up! Lets do this!” I hold out my arm, Doni comes over and puts the bracelet on my wrist. A moment later the monitor lights up revealing my basic heartbeat at 86. Two large men come up to my chair, pick it up and place me in the center of the room facing all of the boys. Both men disappear as a smaller man brings a stool to sit in front of me.

“Alright! Let us start with Mark since he was here first and the one we’ve seen the least amount of contact with,” Doni gestures for the boy to come forward as he turns the monitor away from everyone’s sight. I take a deep breath as Mark walks up, looking incredibly nervous and adorable, I feel at ease honestly.

I smile at him as he sits, “No need to be nervous. Maybe they should be judging your heartbeat.”

“No teasing him,” Coni scolds, “He is supposed to raise your heartrate.”

Doni comes over with cards in his hand, “Okay Mark, you will have 30 seconds to raise our princess’s heart beat, are you ready?”

The blushing boy nods before Coni places a card between us, blocking Mark’s preparations from my view. I take a few deep breaths, suddenly Coni moves the card and Mark busts out with some the cutest aegyo I’ve ever seen. “Bwing, bwing!”

Embarrassed. He bends in half in attempt to hide his face, but we are closer than he expected, and shoves his face in my lap. I giggle at his adorableness, folding myself on top of him in a strange, but comfortable hug.

“That was freaking precious!” I scream hugging the boy tighter.

“Ya! Ya! Ya!” Zico and Namjoon scold from their spots.

“You don’t get to do anything right now,” Doni warns them with a glare. “Mark you have a few more seconds!”

I release the boy to let him continue with his, um, wooing of me. He looks around nervously, unsure of what else to do. But as the more flustered he becomes and the pinker his cheeks get the faster my heart races. I’m grinning ear to ear, my hands are curled up at my chest, keeping me from reaching out and hugging him once again.

Doni dings his stupid xylophone before Mark has a chance to do anything else, making my happiness deflate, “Time is up!”

I slump in my seat with a whine.

“Sorry Noona,” He apologizes with a bow.

“What did he get?” Namjoon wonders.

“115!” Coni announces.

Mark looks obviously disappointed with his number but I shoot him my best smile, one he returns with earnest.

“Next is S. coups!”

“Seungcheolie!” I call him over with a big grin.

The handsome boy is giving me a grin in return, “Hi Noona.”

Just from that smile my heart picks up just a bit, “Don’t try just yet!” Coni scolds.

Seungcheol snickers but looks away, waiting for Coni to give the go ahead. The large man counts down with a card in between us before pulling it away reveling that smile. I honestly forget how handsome this man is, his head is tilted just so, showing off that sharp jaw of his, his perfect white teeth graze over his bottom lip, making my heart skip a beat without even trying.

“Noona,” His deep voice rumbles, my face gets hot. He reaches a large hand out and takes one of mine, bringing it up lets it graze his lips in a half hearted kiss to my knuckles.

“Okay, cut it lover boy,” Coni breaks in between us, taking my hand from him and bring me back to reality. Seungcheol pouts as he is forced out of his seat by the much bigger man and shuffles back to his spot in line. “S. Coops score is… 130!” The group of men boo, Seungcheol is grinning happily, making me chuckle like he always does. “Tall and handsome Zico is up next!”

Zico jumps to his feet eagerly but swaggers over like no one saw, “I got this.”

I tsk, “What makes you so sure?”

“Zico,” Doni wonders, “Are you and the princess extremely close?”

He nods, “I was one of her firsts Princes!”

“Really?”

“You were in the first official ten,” I note, thinking that far back feels so strange, like another world.

“So he has a special place in your heart?” Coni questions.

“Of course! All of my knights do, idols or not, anyone who cares enough to wonder how I’m doing or to wish me well has a place in my heart.”

Zico wraps me up in one of his amazingly warm hugs, comforting me in the best way he can. “Thank you Oppa,” I say honestly, beyond thankful for more than I can say.

“You two seem extremely comfortable around each other,” Doni points out, “Are you like that with all of these men?”

“Um, no, not all of them. Zico oppa, Namjoon, and Seungcheol, are the ones I am most comfortable with. Kyungsoo oppa and Mark are still people I’m getting to know.”

“So who is your guess that will get your heartbeat up the highest?”

I hum, “That’s really hard because Joonie or Zico oppa could do the same thing as Seungcheolie and it wouldn’t make my heart beat any faster.”

“Really?” They question together.

To prove a point Zico takes my hand and kisses it sweetly, instead of butterflies I just get that warm feeling in my chest making me laugh and flick him in the nose. The room laughs with me at his failed attempt at wooing me.

“Have they ever been able to make your heart race during your friendship?”

Again I have to stop and think, staring off into the distance I look through my own mind in search of a moment and find myself blushing at the memory, “Yea…”

“When?” The whole group of men wonder loudly.

My gaze shifts down as I think back to that sweet feeling, “There were two times, one time with each of them,” I admit. Both Zico and Namjoon are trying not to smile but watch me with flushed cheeks. “Before Namjoon went to America for that award show I went to BigHit to practice with them for fun. After we were done dancing and talking Joonie walked me out and we talked a bit and he did his usual thing where he kissed me on the forehead and gave me a hug but that time it did something to me, it made my heart flutter.”

Next thing I know Joonie is wrapped around my shoulders in a tight back hug, I’m blushing so hard my tan cheeks are dusted pink. I turn around in his embrace to hide my face from the cameras making him just chuckle and hug me tighter.

“I’m pretty sure it’s my turn,” Zico complains pulling on the younger’s arm to release me.

“You got your hug in,” Joonie tuts back.

“Okay boys, none of that, I was worried about the fans possibly fighting after this shows, I don’t need you guys adding on to it,” Doni warns. “Zico is right, it’s his turn, go sit down.”

Namjoon pouts but releases me to go back to this chair. I take a deep breath and look back at Zico who is pouting too. “What?” I sass.

“I want to hear about the moment we had!”

“Apparently it wasn’t that big of a moment since you don’t know when it is.”

“That’s because any moment with you is a big moment!” He whines back making me blush once again.

The room gasps at such a dramatic confession.

“Charlie,” Coni interjects, “Your heart rate is currently at 134.”

Zico grins big as he rushes to swoop me up in a big hug and spins me around, “I knew I’d get you.”

“That’s cheating!” Namjoon and Seungcheol accuse together.

Coni is laughing, “I’m counting it!”

“And for that out burst we are counting your back hug as your time!” Doni adds.

“What is my score?”

The two men whisper as they check the machine, “135!”

Namjoon cheers as Zico deflates mumbling, “At least I know I can get your heart going.”

“Go sit down,” I kick his butt as he turns and shuffles back to his seat.

When everyone has calmed down and done whining I sit back down in my chair and wait nervously for the last person, the person who hasn’t said a thing since he showed up and glowered down at Mark, Do Kyungsoo. The handsome man comes forward a bit bashfully and takes the seat in front of me. He is staring at his hands for a few moments before he gets the courage to look me in the eye. We both only last a few seconds before busting into a fit of laugher, no words necessary, just Kyungsoo’s beautiful smile.

“I’m sorry,” He apologizes in his honey sweet voice, “I’m nervous.”

“I am too, no worries.”

He takes a deep breath as he prepares himself for whatever he has prepared, Coni comes forward and places the cards in between us, “1, 2, 3!” He pulls the cards away revealing a blushing Kyungsoo.

He is silent for only a moment before blurting out, “I know I am not your number one bias but I would really, really, like to take you out to dinner…”

My heart stops, “What?”

“Like a date…” He mumbles less confidently.

“Oppa, I know you are trying to get my hear to race but now I’m just-“

“I know this is a terrible time to ask you with this competition but I know I won’t be able to have to courage to do it again so, I’m asking you honestly, would you like to go on a date…with me…Do Kyungsoo?”

I look around the room, waiting for someone to jump out and say they are joking but it doesn’t come and Kyungsoo gets pinker and pinker, all of the men around us some to have lost their voices as well.

“Yes.”

Kyungsoo lets out a breath, “Really?”

“Oh my fucking god yes,” I cover my mouth, glancing at the camera, “I’m sorry I forgot I can’t swear, just bleep that out!” Looking back to a still nervous Kyungsoo I grin, “Of course!” I latch on to the man in a tight hug. Hesitate hands float above my waist for a moment before Kyungsoo gives in and hugs me back.

Doni and Coni look at each other, “We are going to be in so much trouble.”

[evenifyoudontfic]

Even If You Don’t: Chapter 26

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I CANT STOP UPDATING??????

Mari’s POV; Three weeks later

After nearly a month of being back in London, I couldn’t say I’d been feeling any better. My mind would always wander to Calum – what was he doing, who was he with, did he miss me as much as I missed him? I would mentally reprimand myself every time I wondered if he was broken up about me – he broke up with me; why would he do that if he cared about me?

It seemed like the only thing that could keep my mind away from Calum was being in the studio – though, I wouldn’t be the last to admit I was still distracted. The girls and I had written some pretty good songs. Well… They did… I was never much help anymore with everything that had been going on in my personal life…

“Mari,” I heard Kaylynn sing softly, knocking me out of another trance, “You okay?”

“Fine,” I nodded.

“You sure?” she questioned, “You’re not really yourself lately. You usually have 17 songs written when we come to the studio.”

“I don’t have 17 songs written, Kay,” I rolled my eyes, making them laugh.

“Fine, but you usually have at least one.” It was silent for a moment – the girls looking at me with curious and worried expressions – before I finally spoke again.

“I think I’m gonna go home for a while,” I said softly.

“Okay,” Kenzie nodded, “We’ll come by when-”

“No,” I cut her off, “I mean… Home…”

“Oh,” they said in unison as Vanessa continued, “Well, just text one of us when you land.”

“I’ll try to come back soon.”

“Don’t worry about it, Mar,” Kenzie shook her head, pulling me into a hug, “You stay for as long as you need.”

“We’ll try to talk to you every day,” Vanessa assured me, “We’re only 5 hours ahead, so I’m sure we’ll be awake at the same time a lot.”

“You guys are the best,” I murmured, hugging her as well before moving to hug Kaylynn.

“We’ll try to have a song written by the time you come back,” Kenzie added, “I mean, we’re not as talented as you are, but we’ll try.”

“Shut up,” I giggled under my breath, all of us saying ‘goodbye’ before I grabbed my things and headed back to my apartment.

~

16 hours later

I’d texted my mom before my flight departed asking if she’d come get me from the airport. After a few minutes of ‘Yes, Mom, I’m coming home’, ‘No, Mom, everything’s fine’, and ‘I just wanted to spend more time with the family’, she agreed to meet me at my gate.

It was about 4pm when I landed in Indy, so I was a bit tired with my body still being on London time, but I was happy to be back in my first home city. My mom was waiting exactly where she said she’d be – right at the gate with open arms. I happily dropped my carry-on bag so I could hug her, breathing in deeply as she hugged me back tightly.

“If you need to cry, that’s okay,” she told me, rubbing my back slightly.

“I’m not gonna cry in the middle of the airport, Mom,” I stifled a laugh.

“People cry in airports all the time! They’ll just think you’re happy to see me!” she insisted. I laughed again – a genuine one that time – and squeezed her a bit.

“I’ve been crying for three weeks,” I said, “I need a break.” She smiled sadly – I’d obviously told her everything about what happened with Calum.

“Well then, how about you and I go pick Ashy up from your grandma’s and we’ll go out and do something?” Mom suggested, letting go of me.

“Like what?” I asked, walking with her to baggage claim to wait for my suitcase.

“We could go to the mall,” she shrugged, “Or the zoo or something.”

“I say we save a trip to the zoo for tomorrow,” I replied, “It’ll be too close to closing by the time we get there anyway.”

“Good point,” she laughed, “Still want to go to the mall?”

“Do we really want to take Ashy to the mall?”

“You know what? I’ll see if Grandma will watch him for a couple more hours,” she said, making me laugh. Mom went to call my grandmother while I patiently waited for my suitcase to show up.

It only took a couple minutes before I noticed it coming around the corner, pulling it off the carousel when it got to me. I took the handle out and rolled it behind me as I made my way back to my mom. I talked to my grandma for a couple minutes – who gave me the usual ‘I heard what happened with you and Calum, honey, are you okay?’ spiel – before we hung up and my mom and I set off for the Circle Centre Mall.

~

Two hours later

Mom pulled into the driveway and we got our bags out of the trunk before we made our way to the front door. I unlocked it since Mom insisted on carrying my suitcase, clearly knowing what was waiting for me as soon as I opened the door.

“Mawi!” Asher cheered, running to me, “Mawi home!” I quickly put my bags down before he made it to me, picking him up and holding him on my hip.

“Hey, bud,” I grinned, hugging him about as tightly as he was hugging me, “I’ve missed you.”

“I miss you, Mawi,” he said, “You bwing candy?”

“Is that the only reason you like when I come home?” I pouted, “Because I bring you candy from London?”

“Not our fault English candy is better than American,” I heard my grandmother say, making me look up. I smiled as she came over to hug me. “Hi, sweetheart,” she said, “How are you feeling?”

“I’m good,” I nodded, “Glad to be home for a while.”

“Well, we’re glad to have you home,” Mom said.

“Candy?” Asher asked again, making us all laugh.

“Have you eaten dinner yet?” I asked. He frowned, instantly giving me my answer. I laughed again, pulling his shirt down slightly as I went on, “How about we go out to eat? My treat.”

“Mari,” Mom shook her head – she hated when I paid for everybody.

“I make my own money now, I pay my own bills – I decide how to spend it!” I announced, putting Asher back on his feet.

“This is what I don’t miss when you’re in London,” she sighed with a smile on her face. I smiled innocently, going to where my suitcase and our shopping bags were so I could take them upstairs.

“Figure out where you guys want to go!” I sang over my shoulder, hearing Mom and Grandma chuckle softly as I lugged everything up the staircase.

~

Three hours later; 9:30pm

I was sitting with Asher in his room, rocking him lightly to get him to go to sleep. We’d been talking about whatever he could think of – usually about everything he’d done since I’d last been home – until the question I was dreading came up.

“Mawi, where Calum?” he asked. I paused for a moment, feeling my chest get tighter. I knew how much Asher adored Calum and I really wasn’t looking forward to how he would react to hearing he’d never see him again.

“Calum’s not here,” I answered, hoping my voice didn’t waver too much, “We broke up.”

“Why?” he pouted. I took a deep breath and let it out slowly.

“He didn’t want me anymore…” I swallowed. I felt Asher reposition himself slightly so he was sitting on my lap facing me. He laid his head on my chest and cuddled up to me even more so than he had been before.

“I always want you, Mawi,” he murmured. I couldn’t keep myself from grinning.

“I always want you too, Ashy,” I replied, kissing the top of his head.

It was silent for a few minutes after that until I started hearing soft snoring coming from the little boy on top of me. I chuckled softly – honestly thankful that I didn’t have to sing Beside You to him to get him to go to sleep – as I carefully stood up and laid him down on his bed. I pulled his blanket over him and leaned down to kiss his forehead, then quietly moving across the room so I could go back to my own, leaving the door open a crack so I would hear when he woke up later.

~

One hour later

I wasn’t exactly sure how long it had been since I’d put Asher to bed when I started hearing crying coming from his room. It brought me back to reality – the reality that I was upset with myself for still crying over Calum – and I quickly wiped my face before getting off of my bed. I figured he’d just had a nightmare, but when I found my mom already sitting with him – him on her lap and her hugging him tightly – I knew it was something a lot more than just another bad dream. I quickly hid around the corner before they noticed I was there so I could listen in.

“Ashy,” Mom sighed, rubbing his back, “It’s not your fault she’s feeling sad.”

“But can’t make her stop crying!” Asher frowned, his bright green eyes filling up with tears, “Want Mawi to stop crying!” My heart dropped as I listened to him cry into Mom’s shirt – I hadn’t even realized he’d been hearing me this whole time – but I felt so lucky to have someone who just wanted me to be happy.

And it was at that point that I’d finally had the inspiration to finish a song I’d been working on since I boarded the flight to Indy.

I quietly hurried back to my room, grabbing my song book and my phone from both their spots. I then threw on a hoodie since it was October and headed outside so I wouldn’t disturb my mom as she tried to get Asher to go back to sleep.

~

One and a half hours later

Once I’d finished the song to my standards, I unlocked my phone and opened the voice recorder app. Since I still couldn’t manage to play a guitar and I didn’t have a keyboard or piano, I had to sing it acapella and hope I didn’t mess up and have to redo it too many times.

Your little brother never tells you, but he loves you so You said your mother only smiled on her TV show You’re only happy when your sorry head is filled with dope I hope you make it to the day you’re 28-years-old

You’re dripping like a saturated sunrise You’re spilling like an overflowing sink You’re ripped at every edge, but you’re a masterpiece And now you’re tearing through the pages and the ink

Everything is blue; his pills, his hands, his jeans And now I’m covered in the colors, pulled apart at the seams And it’s blue, and it’s blue

Everything is grey; his hair, his smoke, his dreams And now he’s so devoid of color; he don’t know what it means And he’s blue, and he’s blue

You were a vision in the morning when the light came through I know I’ve only felt religion when I’ve lied with you You said you’ll never be forgiven ‘til your boys are too And I’m still waking every morning, but it’s not with you

You’re dripping like a saturated sunrise You’re spilling like an overflowing sink You’re ripped at every edge, but you’re a masterpiece And now you’re tearing through the pages and the ink

Everything is blue; his pills, his hands, his jeans And now I’m covered in the colors, pulled apart at the seams And it’s blue, and it’s blue

Everything is grey; his hair, his smoke, his dreams And now he’s so devoid of color; he don’t know what it means And he’s blue, and he’s blue

You were red and you liked me ‘cause I was blue But you touched me and suddenly I was a lilac sky And you decided purple just wasn’t for you

Everything is blue; his pills, his hands, his jeans And now I’m covered in the colors, pulled apart at the seams And it’s blue, and it’s blue

Everything is grey; his hair, his smoke, his dreams And now he’s so devoid of color; he don’t know what it means And he’s blue, and he’s blue

Everything is blue, everything is blue Everything is blue, everything is blue

I listened to the recording to make sure it was good enough before I sent Kenzie – because I knew that, even though it was 3am back in London, she would still be awake – the audio file along with a quick ‘Came up with this on the flight here and worked all night on it. Hopefully we can use it for the album??’ message. A few minutes later – exactly the amount of time it would have taken her to listen to the audio – she texted me back.

I couldn’t help but laugh softly and we texted for a few more minutes before I told her I was going to bed, already walking back into the house and locking the door behind me. She replied with a goodnight message and I plugged my phone into the charger, put it on my nightstand, and I was asleep within a couple minutes of lying down.

Song used: “Colors” by Halsey

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