#not being able to accomidate my own needs is really annoying

[mintyvoid]

I wish my main stims or ways to ease anxiety werent so harmful lol. Like my main two are skin picking and like a friction thing. Like loose thread thats been notted up rubbing that (to the point where i get blisters sometimes :) ) or running my undernail against seams(thankfully not to the point of bleeding).

And ive never found anything to replace them, used to be a really bad nail biters (and then moved onto the skin around it- to now i barely touch them cause i pick more). Ive tried a bunch of fidget toys and the like, but its kinda a money investment to keep trying. And hard to find stuff that ships to canada too

[hyetale-blog]

I wanted to rant on dyslexia, sorry this is shitty, I can’t put my thoughts into words but.

I just wanted to say stuff, so what better way to do so than post it to my 3 followers. I wanted to talk about dyslexia, this is just something i wanted to rant about. If you don’t like it, just go away. I have dyslexia, it’s a learning disability if you didn’t know, or have been living under a damn rock. The average person when they hear this, think, “oh isn't that when you switch your letters around”? or “so your stupid”? I’ve gotten the first one said to me every time. This rant will be all over the place too btw. Anyway, that’s not the case really. Dyslexia isn't  just me sitting here switching my damn letters around, sure that’s a small part of it, maybe not even a part of it for some, or more than a small part of it for others. Dyslexia is different for everyone, but I’m just gonna talk about my type of it because otherwise this would be too long. My dyslexia affects the way I read, write, spell, understand, etc. These seem like small things, so what if you can't  do them, am i right?! No, Really that’s not true, heres a conversation I’ve had 1 million times:

Person: So what if you can’t do those things?! I can’t dance, and you can!

me: Ok but do you NEED to dance in everyday life???? Answer: No you don’t, I’m sitting here in the middle of my classes listening as hard as I can, but not understanding one bit. Teachers get tired of me saying I don’t get it, they have even told me “just fake it”. WHAT IF IT EVER OCCURRED TO YOU, THAT I ACTUALLY WANT TO LEARN WHAT OTHERS DO TOO? I LOVE learning, but I can never get the education I NEED. People with more accomidations needed for thier disablity, will get a para, or more attention I’d say. Which is so wonderful and makes me happy that they can learn, at their own pace. I’m stuck in the middle of learning disabilities with my form of dyslexia. So people will offer to help, over the fact that they HAVE to help me, because of my 504. But they will not help in a useful way for me. Sure, maybe Emily will understand ur help, but I won’t get it till you explain this 1000 more times, in a simple and understandable way. I want to learn, but I’m here getting told by teachers “we can’t help you with that” and then dropping out of school because I can’t learn in a place where u don’t even try to help me at the leasT! Now, I'm at a school that will try to offer me help, by telling me “hey, heres a 50 page book, go study that and u will get an A!”. HUNNY. NO. STOP TELLING ME TO STUDY LIKE OTHERS. ITS NOT THAT I DONT THINK I CAN. I. CANT. WHEN I take a look at a book, I don’t see these simple understanding sentences like the rest of this class. I see jumbles of lines with no meaning, It is a fact that reading will give me a headache, focusing so hard on something I can’t understand like a book? Is like telling a person to try to think of a new color. The most annoying thing I will always hear till the day I die is:

“You know how to do it”

or “you are acting lazy”

No. I don’t know how to do this, why the hell do you think I’m asking? Sure it may be me asking for the 50th time, but I never understood it those 50 times, so please explain again. If you find it annoying or perhaps MAYBE IM JUST LAZY??? Than THERES THE dOOR biTCH. BECAUSE IM Working harder than anyone in this class, I can PROMISee you that. Every class is like a battle, sometimes I cannot even look up, because everywhere I look is letters, and because of that I will always get headaches. 

     I had wanting to be in a spelling be since I was in first grade, I always thought I’d be the smart one in class about all that stuff. Instead I’m sitting here getting called out on spelling the word “cat” wrong. But apparently me spelling things like that wrong was not bad enough. I was not given ANY help for my dyslexia when I was younger, because I was told “my grades are not bad enough” Are all dyslexics stupid now?? LOL we are dyslexic with As or Fs anyway it goes, we still have dyslexia! Don’t tell me my grades are not low enough. But now that I’ve gone into harder subject and learning, my grades are more than low enough. I am so happy and proud of myself for trying my best everyday, I don’t need a letter to tell me weather I did well or not. so what if all my grades are below D? I am doing my best and that’s what matters. 

  I’m working so damn hard, I do everyday, even if you refuse to give me the education I need, I keep going and always try. I want this to change and I want help more than anything. I wish my form of dyslexia had a magic way of learning that would work for me. But it’s not gonna happen right now, so I will just keep on talking about it. 

     I did not wake up some day and ask to be born with so many things that make it hard for me to go through daily life, It could be worse? Sure. But that’s not what I’m focusing on. I’m focused on the fact that Dyslexia should never be seen as something easy, relatable, funny, because it’s not. I will cry for hours on end asking why? Why can I not learn all these things while others in my class scream out loud “OH THIS IS EASY”. I cup my hands over my ears to block out your stupidity tbh. 

     No, I’m not just some person who reads words backwards and mixes my letters every so often. This is so much more than that for me, it controls my life, because yes, I am in school for 9 hours a day + homework. All of these hours require understanding, reading, and writing at the least. I could wish and wish to be smarter and more understood everyday, that won't help anything tho. My dyslexia is not something you can “specialize in” sure, maybe you can try to understand it a bit more. But unless you are me? You will never know or understand how it is. 

     I only learned how to use punctuation decently, a year ago. Because I never was taught in a way I could understand. I went to tutoring everyday for 2 hours, but everything she said still made no sense. I don’t even know how to say my feelings on my dyslexia, It’s hard. No I can’t remember what we learned yesterday or 2 hours ago. I don’t get what we are learning I really do not.  Stop assuming, after the 60 times i tell you, that I know it, and understand it. I’ve said it so often, what makes you think I’m kidding, can you not absorb that information? I learn different and I want to be able to be taught in that different way, because I want the education that 99% of the kids in this school get. how do you think “fake it till you make it” is gonna look on my job application? Who's fault was it, because its sure not my fault for being told that 1000 times. 

     Please stop telling me my As look like 9s and that its funny that I can't tell right from left. God what good are you doing?

     I will spend my whole entire day on school work I never get finished, While we have 20 assignments the class has already done? I’m stuck with only 3 of them done and turned in on time. 

     May I just add, I don’t like when people call dyslexia a “mental illness”. It’s a learning disability, AND LEARNING DISABILITY isn't a bad word! It’s real and something that I’m apart of. I might make no sense typing all this, maybe I only understand what I’m trying to say. But we people we not asked to be this way, we don’t ask for this, its not something thats trendy.  

     My dyslexia is a part of me, no matter how much I hate it, I would never change it, (maybe a little ehemm) but still. I didn’t get all I wanted to say out, only about half of it. 

     This is the end and ya, my Dyslexia is not simple, it never will be. I am gonna keep doing my best and working my ass off for the well worth Fs I get in class, because I just want to spread awareness that people like us, are out there. It may not be something you think of, or think about learning about or supporting tons. But I will keep on talking about it, because its real, so thanks.

(im not sorry for any incorrect grammar I might have used, or incorrect spelling.)