#not always constantly dreaming of returning because now the travel is a source of freedom

[variousqueerthings]

post-canon klinger still makes and wears clothes and soon-lee is supportive + maybe discovers some elements within herself related to sexuality and gender through their journey together... (I wanna see rosalind chao in a nice suit)

[linkspooky]

See You Later, Eren

With all the time travel shenanigans lately we still have not got an explanation for the first scene in the manga, despite these chapters having already been connected to the present day (to you, 2000 years from now, from you, 2000 years ago). Due to the structure of the final arc paralelling the first arc, I believe that the meaning of Mikasa’s words will be revealed in either the final chapter, or the penultimate chapters leading up to the final. In other words these are Mikasa’s first words to Eren in the manga, and they will also be her last. Because these are the words she’ll say to him right after she kills him. 

EXPLANATION UNDER THE CUT.

1. Mikasa and Eren

There’s a reason that I believe it will be Mikasa to deal the final blow that stops Eren, that puts him down before he destroys the world and not Armin even though Armin is the “hero” of the story. The reason is Mikasa’s arc has always centered around Eren in a way that Armin’s hasn’t. Armin will always care more about the world then Eren, because he has things he believes in besides fighting the titans and survivings, he has dreams and the ability to see the greater picture. 

Armin’s role also isn’t to grow into someone like Eren or Mikasa who can take the big titan down all by themselves. In fact, him acting like this with Bertolt is something that while it won them the battle almost got himself killed.

It’s actually not that much of a change to his core character for Armin to sacrifice himself and fight head on with his own hands. In fact, he’s even willing to do this around people he considered his past friends. He was the one to expose Annie and suspect her first. The only real significant change is that Armin will have to break his denial over who Eren is, but if the choice was between Eren and the whole world from the start Armin would have always chosen the world over Eren. Armin’s not supposed to grow into a hero in the same sense that Eren and Mikasa want to be, by fighting things head on himself. He’s always been set up to become a demon like Erwin, that is make choices that will get other people killed and have confidence and live with those choices rather than constantly waffling and second guessing his chioces. 

Armin has regressed to his worst traits, that is letting his low self esteem constantly make him question his own decisions. At his worst he’s afraid to choose anything, because he doesn’t even want to decide, because deciding makes him responsible for the people he lost as a result of his decision. Armin killing Eren in a physical fight won’t really fix any of that. What he needs to do is lead, not attempt to do everything himself, or sacrifice himself so he’ll be the only one hurt. He’s the hero of the story, but he also needs to grow into a demon in a sense. 

Whereas, Mikasa’s arc has always centered around Eren for better or worse. Armin would choose the world over Eren, Mikasa would choose Eren over the world. 

To phrase this in terms of “Wants and Needs” which is one of the most basic ways to express the central tenets of a characters arc. Usually a character starts the story wanting something, only to get denied what they want and realize instead what it is they need. Or sometimes a character is given what they want, only to have it cause them to regress because it’s not what they need. 

Eren wants to stop being a person and exist for the idea of freedom. What he needs is to learn to be a person and accept the love of the people around him and see them as their own individual people too. In that sense, Eren is given what he wants after the timeskip, he’s powerful and cunning enough that he finally can win almost every fight he enters, takes other people’s agency rather than having his own taken, and powerful enough to stand up on his own and he becomes the major mover of the world rather than being moved by it, however that also means he severely regresses as a person and loses what he needs, his friends who used to surround him. 

What Mikasa wants is to always be close to Eren and never be separated from him. What she needs is to be her own person. This is set up as early as the Trost arc, and no Mikasa is not being slow in her character development because literally every single character is regressing to the major problem set up in the Trost arc, Eren wants to fight alone, Armin has no confidence in himself, Mikasa has to learn how to live even without Eren. 

Mikasa wants to live for the sake of Eren, to live vicariously through Eren as he was the one who showed her that the world was beautiful but that’s not living. Mikasa’s want has been denied to her again and again throughout the story.

Ironically the reason Mikasa is so capable, the reason she is strong and confident in ways Eren just couldn’t be at the start of the manga was because she never made any decisions for herself, and therefore never struggled with her choices or her decisions. It’s easy to do things if you say you’re doing them for the sake of others and therefore never have to hesitate. Mikasa believes the person who gives her a place to live in the world is Eren, and therefore she cannot survive without him. All of the beauty of the world and all of its ugliness are all tied up in Eren.

Eren and Mikasa’s relationship is beautifully complex. It’s not just onesided on Mikasa’s part, they are both codependent to each other in a way. The current Mikasa and Eren would not exist without one another because they have always relied on each other to survive. The thing is, while Eren always runs off, he’s always subconsciously relied on Mikasa to follow him and cover his back. He rebuffs her and pushes her away, but Eren also knows that she’ll chase him. From eren picking fights with bullies only to have Mikasa cover his back, to Eren ambushing Marley and knowing Mikasa would show up and save him and trusting her to do that when he started losing the battle fighting on his own. 

Eren loves and needs Mikasa to see himself as a person. She has always been the relationship that connects himself to his own humanity. Mikasa not only humanizes him, but she’s also the only one that can make him second guess his actions and what becoming the enemy of the world means he can’t be a human or by Mikasa’s side anymore. Mikasa makes him realize his own desires to be loved and accepted for the weak coward that he is, rather than having to be someone strong who always fights alone. However, at the same time Eren also resents Mikasa for making him feel this way, for making him feel so human. He hates that he always has to rely on someone, that he always has to be around her because it makes him feel inferior. I would say the resentment is mutual too on Mikasa’s part, as much as she loves him there’s a lot of negative emotions built up. She resents him for always running away from her, for not giving her what she wants. 

At the same time Eren is the person who first showed Mikasa there was warmth in the world, and treated her like a human when she was about to be sold by slavers. Mikasa wraps up all her personhood in Eren, but at the same time that makes her see Eren less and less as a person and more as a symbol. Which is why she can’t ever come to term with her feelings, she’s so afraid of losing their current relationship she can’t risk any change at all, even if it would be a positive one with her feelings being returned. It’s almost like Mikasa doesn’t want Eren to love her back in the same sense, because she doesn’t need it in her own mind, not really, she’s always been content loving him at a distance. Loving the idea of Eren has been enough to motivate her up until now.

But if Mikasa does not live on as a person, for her own sake and not Eren’s she can’t love him properly. She can’t really love him as a person separate from her unless she first takes that step back and realizes. Mikasa is so confused about her own feelings because she doesn’t want to think about them, doesn’t want to experience them, she just wants to feel for Eren, not herself. But that stands in the way of what she wants to do which is love Eren and be loved. What she’s wanted ever since the day he wrapped that scarf around her was the genuine human connection that that scarf represents.

It’s something that she realized all the way back in Trost, that she has to find a way to live without Eren. That’s what she needs. However, Mikasa doesn’t want to. Which becomes the source of her regression. 

Which is why the decision to kill Eren is so central to the development that she needs to go through. It’s even been set up by several different foreshadowing. One, Eren calls MIkasa a slave and the only way for slave to be liberated is by killing their masters, the people who seek to control them. Which is what Eren is doing right now, robbing her of her own agency and not letting her make decisions in the name of protecting her.

Eren is the one who called her a slave. Eren is the one who will die, freeing her. The breaking of their relationship is so necessary for Mikasa as a character that she’s already completely reevaluated the way she views things just from being separated from Eren. Mikasa, the one who wanted to believe in Eren the most is the also the first one to realize how misplaced her feelings for Eren were. 

This is exactly where her arc is taking her, realizing Eren is not the person he thought she was. Mikasa is coming the closest to realizing that Eren’s true form and that she has been seeing a different side of him all along. 

Which is why Mikasa has been reevaluating and remembering the first scene where they met. Their relationship is written so the begnnings and ends parallel one another. 

Eren showed her two things, the first being his violent murder of the two men attempting to enslave her, and the second being the beautiful connection. The world is ugly, and yet beautiful. This time Mikasa is having her agency stolen again, but not by slavers, but rather by the boy who once rescued her. This time Eren has taken the place of the slavers, trying to steal away from freedom of others for his own goals.

Therefore, to free herself Mikasa needs to do what Eren encouraged her to do in the scene. To take the knife, and fight back, fight for her own freedom by killing the enemy in front of her. Even if this time the enemy is the person she loves. No, because she loves him she must be his enemy. The scene is a reversal of their first meeting, instead of being the helpless girl Mikasa must take knife in hand and show Eren the cruelty of the world and also it’s beauty. 

2. An Ugly, yet Beautiful Relationship

The story has always framed Mikasa’s love for Eren as a complex thing. Despite it being the source of her strength, it is also, something that denies her from accomplishing what she needs to. Mikasa always fails in critical moments with consequences because of how she rushes after Eren. She cannot stop Annie from kidnapping him and it results in Levi getting hurt, she fails to stop Reiner and Bertolt from taking him. Mikasa’s desire to put Eren before everything else in the world is something the story consistently denies her and that leads to her failure. Her codependency with Eren, has never been a good thing and always is framed as a flaw. As beautiful as the connection between them is, it’s also ugly. It’s a metaphor for the pain, but also the comfort of all human connection itself. Mikasa’s desire is to connect, Armin’s is the world, Eren’s is freedom from everything. 

The same way what Eren wants is naive, a freedom that means he’s allowed to do absolutely everything and he’s so strong he has total control over everything and therefore never has to lose another person again, Mikasa is just as naive. What she wants is a connection that will never hurt her, and never fray or break. The reason the red scarf represents the red string is because it’s just as naive, it’s a fantasy about being destined to be with another person and always be by their side, and always following them no matter where they go or how you are separated. Mikasa’s desire is to be always tied to another person, but that comes at the cost of being her own person. 

That’s why the idea that her love for Eren is not her own, but rather a product of being an Acerkman shakes her so much. Because Mikasa deep down knows she needs to love Eren as a person, and also needs her feelings to be her real, and owned by her alone. Even when she was on the brink of death she realized that if she died, the memory of Eren would not be able to live on with her. 

Which is why Mikasa parallels Levi so heavily, because Levi also had to make this choice as well. He had to be confronted with who Erwin was as a person, the good and the bad and choose to let him die instead of continuing to be by his side. 

The only way Levi could ever understand Erwin such an important person to him was not by forever being by his side, but instead telling him to die and continue to live on in Levi’s memory. 

Levi lost the person most important to him, but he also gained understanding for who that person truly was. He was finally able to reconcile his feelings for him. Levi finally saw Erwin as a person, and not just a demon he had to rely on. He also realized that everyone was actively making him into a demon and denying him as a person, and Erwin himself was responding by diminishing his own personhood. 

Erwin is given solace and allowed to die as his own person, rather than having to continue to be the devil. Which also, parallels Eren’s own situation greatly because Eren WANTS to become the devil because at this point he believes it’s the only way for him to protect his friends. He no longer allows himself to be his own person the same way Erwin did, and no longer lets himself be loved as a person. 

The reason the only deaths in the series that are shown to be freeing are Erwin and Kenny’s is because they literally spent their entire lives NOT BEING PEOPLE, the same way that Eren is trying so hard to deny himself as a person right now. The only choice they get really is the choice of death, because they made all their other choices for the sake of other people. 

Which is where we return to Eren once more. Eren denies himself as a person and wants to become a devil, a special existence that can hold the fate of the world in his hands, but at the same time he needs, craves, to be loved as a person. To be accepted for the weak person he is rather than the strong person he pretends to be. Which is why Mikasa sees this moment as so cirtical. 

It’s entirely possible that Eren had made up his own mind at this point, that he was already going to commit to the plan, but the reason Mikasa believes this to be the critical juncture where the path split off is because what Eren is asking here. He’s asking her specifically, do you love me as a person? or do you love me out of obligation? The one person who loves him as a person, Eren is having doubts and is trying to reconfirm his humanity in the face of everything he is about to throw away to become a devil.

The same way Mikasa bases her entire personhood around Eren, Eren’s humanity and his connection to the beauty of the world has always been in Mikasa’s hands. She has always represented the connections he needs, but the one he denies himself.

Which is why Mikasa sees this as the critical point, regardless of whether or not what she had said would have made a different. Because Mikasa realizes now, all along she wasn’t seeing Eren as a person. Wasn’t loving him as a person. Which prevented her from truly loving him or acting on his feelings. 

The only way Mikasa can love Eren as a person is to be his enemy, to confront him for what he is now, and what she realizes he’s been all along. She has to confront the ugliest side of Eren, instead of only looking at the beauty of their bond. 

Both Eren and Mikasa are blind now. Eren has forgotten about the beauty of the world that Mikasa represents, and Mikasa has forgotten until just now about the ugly and violence of the world that Eren represents by only focusing on the beauty, which is why they need a confrontation with each other to be able to see both. 

Mikasa needs to remember Eren violently murdering those slavers like they were not even human beings and the fact he went out of his way to kill people. Eren needs to rembmer the action of himself wrapping the scarf around Mikasa and how that connection did more to save her than his violence for her sake ever did. 

3. See You Later Eren

This is going to be a short conclusion to my post, and also offer a prediction. Why do I think “See you later” is going to be said after Mikasa kills Eren. For two reasons, one Mikasa has been the one to deal the final blow on two of Eren’s biggest foils, Annie and Reiner, and this is also exactly how she says goodbye to them before killing them.

Mikasa fights two Eren foils. Armin takes down Bertolt. Armin’s enemy is himself. Mikasa’s enemy has always been Eren, which is why choosing to oppose him, and therefore choosing her own personhood is so central to her arc. 

As established by Eren, the Ackerman’s are connected to and can open the paths in the same way that the royal family, and those connected to the control coordinate are. Which is why I believe, in conjunction with Mikasa’s literally directly stating that she could have chosen to take a different path that after killing Eren, the two of them will be dragged into the paths the same way Zeke was with Eren after Eren lost his head.

That by killing him first Mikasa will show Eren the ugliness of the world, it’s violence, but at the same time she will be the one to comfort him and give himself peace and reassurance that while he was alive he was loved as a human. Which is what she needs to do to become her own person, because all along she has asserted that her strength is not hers alone, but Eren, her decisions are not hers alone but done for the sake of Eren.

Mikasa has to tell Eren once again that there is a kind boy still inside of him, he’s still the one who promised to wrap the scarf around her, and helped her out when she was cold. But the only way for her to do that is by finally confronting his ugliness and letting go of him. 

Mikasa will kill Eren, but then in the paths remind him of the beauty of the world he tried so hard to destroy. Allowing Eren to die as himself, as a person who was loved instead of the enemy of the world. Allowing Mikasa to finally love Eren as a person like she’s always wanted to rather than loving the idea of him. Eren will die but Mikasa will finally be able to live on as her own person. 

Which is what Eren should truly desire ultimately. The freedom of the ones he loves. Their happiness. Even if he can’t be around in their lives. Mikasa’s last words for him are “See you Later” not “Goodbye” because even if Eren is no longer in her life, she’ll be able to see him again, her love for him, her memories for him will not disappear but rather continue on in the world even after his death. 

[bluemoonpunch]

BigHit just announced today that BTS is going to be on an extended leave for a while now. What can you read about that? To me I'm extremely glad that they'll be getting some proper rest after all these years but at the same time I can't help but shake off that it might be an omen for something bigger [anonymous @ bluemoonpunch(.)com]

Anonymous: Do you see anything around the vacation the boys are taking now? I’m so happy they’re taking time for themselves (even though I already miss them lol). I feel like this is almost a test run to prepare ARMYs for when they enlist T_T [anonymous @ bluemoonpunch(.)com]

000

There’s an ungodly amount of stuff here to talk about, lol, so I’ll just start from the first set and work my way down.

The first set of cards out was The Lovers in reverse with The Devil, which is interesting as these cards are naturally inverses of the other. Immediately, I was seeing this as a Soul Body situation, something where they are disconnecting from the public on a soul level, disengaging those connections that make it feel RIGHT to constantly be in the spotlight, constantly be turned on for the sake of entertainment, and through that they (or some of them?) will consciously recognize The Devil where they once recognized The Lovers, meaning they will recognize the toxicity of living as a fantasy for mass amounts of people. They will be able to find themselves, the purer versions that are separate from what they’ve created to share with the world because no matter how deep they seem, there’s always a layer of protection that a human being will put around themselves in order to appeal to whoever they are trying to speak to, there’s always purpose behind it other than just simply speaking their mind.

This is reflected in the set that “falls out of” The Devil, like The Devil drops these things as he runs away from their awareness. The Ace of Wands, which I was seeing visually as them physically reaching inside of their own bodies to grab onto the Solar Plexus, the default core projection, the base of the ego, the light that is always on. They grab onto it there, they feel it rather than just allowing it to constantly extend past them, and their perception of it shifts through the reversed Hanged Man. I thought this card was an interesting choice for the depiction of this as the reversed Hanged Man is actually upright. His perspective when upright is of the world upside-down, out of reality. He is a figure representing the point at which objective and subjective reality merge. When reversed, the man in the image is upright, he is seeing the world for what it is at face value, rather than from his own personal perspective which could be clouded by emotions and subconscious veils. He’s seeing The Lovers in reverse or seeing The Devil.

In seeing The Devil rather than The Lovers, he sees where he’s been trapped or where he’s been holding himself prisoner to expectations and connections. What felt like love and admiration from the angel was actually suffocation and the stripping of his own autonomy from The Devil. As that falls away and those ties are temporarily cut, things that were pushed aside come back into focus. The 7 of Pentacles is there at the end of this which I saw as the guys returning to passion projects, taking this opportunity of less obligatory travel and such to take time for more personal matters. This can be family and friends as well as solo music or other business dealings that they haven’t been able to do with so much time constraint. 

From that comes a set with nothing but reversed cards that include the 10 of Wands, 4 of Cups, and the 4 of Swords, which to me said, this is not a time of rest and relaxation, it’s a time to heal, and to heal is to work. The reversed 10 of Wands shows no strenuous work, no work that leaves them completely drained and physically and mentally exhausted, but there is also no time to sleep or lie around dreaming. They’ve already been dreaming and those dreams were the blooms that were left behind in the 7 of Pentacles, and they are now having the opportunities to pursue them. No rest, just more work, but work that fulfills them on a personal level, something that charges them up rather than sucks the life out of them. 

On the other end, extending from The Lovers in reverse comes The High Priestess in reverse, Judgement in reverse, and then the 9 of Cups. This mirrors the set of 10 of Wands, 4 of Cups, and 4 of Swords. The previous set is more about the conscious level work they are doing now, whether it be completely for the individual or something for the group that will come about later, it is more willfully done, not an obligation. On this end, from The Lovers, the same thing is occurring on a soul level, as in the Soul Body. The High Priestess and Judgement being in reverse show a complete separation from their Guides and Source energy. I don’t know if you guys remember all the details of the Soul Body healing and all that, but Namjoon was being used as a conduit and just kind of is all the time, in order to send information, activations, and codes through the others down into the physical space. That isn’t happening here. There is no guidance happening here, nor are they being watched and contained on that level.

With this I head “test run,” as in this separation that the soul body experiences now from their Guides is a test to see what they will actually do with it, what the individual souls do with that freedom — are they going to completely disconnect themselves from the body? Are they going to complete their integration processes? Or are they going to work purely on a soul level and just heal through soul-satisfaction? The 9 of Cups is the show of the soul — not even the Higher Self, just the soul — being in charge. It’s like their souls have been contained inside their energy centers, inside the Soul Body for a long time and they had been compressed together in order to bring the physical forms together in this particular lifetime. It was cramped and as I mentioned in other readings, they could only move together as a unit, but now it’s wide open, they’re free to move. Some of them are dying to move while others are hanging on for dear life, so it’s a test to see who does what and for what reason. It’s kind of cool, but I don’t know what the information gathered from this test is supposed to do other than maybe see how the body would actually break down. IDK.

Then in the center there, everything kind of converges, and this may answer my previous question about what this test is really meant to be for. There is the 8 of Swords in reverse leading down into the 6 of Wands. This would suggest that this opportunity was put into place physically (their vacation) in alignment with the current state of their soul process so that they would individually have the opportunity to take the blindfold off, see The Devil in place of The Lovers, and in turn see what within themselves they’ve been holding back for the sake of the group or the audience. There can be a weird thing where when working in groups of friends, people will sometimes hold back on their own talents in order to not outshine anyone else, and when you’re in a group where, amongst the audience, it becomes a big topic of conversation of who is better at this and that, it can become an emotional obligation to hide or play down talents and passions for the sake of staying on an equal playing field. But if EVERYONE is doing that, and EVERYONE is trying to stay down, you could assume they could all rise up together, support each other, and be supported in their individual paths.

That’s what the 6 of Wands is, it’s the individual, all seven of them on their own, coming around with the Ace of Wands, with their core, their passion, their talent, their pure soul on display, and they are being praised and supported by the others and the audience for it. Not mocked and shamed for “trying to get all of the attention” or whatever bullshit some people spew anytime someone who isn’t their fav breathes.

And BEAUTIFULLY, the set that follows this is all upright. The 8 of Wands is carrying energy directly down, as if the internal state that each of them find in the 6 of Wands through this process of disconnect, will manifest on a conscious level as The Magician for all of them, as individuals who are in complete and total control of the outcome of their paths and what manifests for them. They are neither tied to The Lovers or The Devil here, they are simply tied to their soul and the recognition of power they have. This then stems into the Ace of Cups which I was seeing as a complete recharge of creativity, a complete recharge of emotional strength and awareness, as well as a deeper clarity and awareness of the soul, or what would consciously be perceived as passion.

For good measure, I asked what energy would surround them when they come back from this vacation physically and from this process on a soul level, and they got The Star with the Ace of Swords… which is pretty bomb ass. I honestly don’t even know how to describe this because I’m not getting any visuals or words or anything, it’s just a feeling… and a smell? Lol? I don’t know what that means, but I smell mint or eucalyptus with it. But the feeling itself, which is much more prominent, is just clear water. Perfectly still, clear, cool, water just spreading out around them. It’s like they are The Star. The Star isn’t an influence that they will be under, they are literally The Star, they are the water bearer, and it’s coming from a state of clear-mindedness, the truth, the awareness of all that nonsense that I just talked about. There’s a sense of new purpose, but it’s individual and it’s not entirely controlled anymore the way it is now with the Soul Body. Again, this is an energy that they will carry so I don’t know how that would manifest or if we would see it, but it’s coming through as if it’s going to spread out from them. The water feels like it just pools and spreads out of the ground and just keeps going and going. 

Shits dramatic as hell, I love it.

More Mini-Readings | Celebrity/Idol Readings 

[atcabblog]

In the simple and mundane

All my life, I have been shackled by the chains of an inevitable entity that has resulted to my imprisonment upon this earthly world. However, for some unknown reason, I suddenly have this fleeting feeling of finally being set free; I can now reach the skies whenever I want to.

Then again, this sweet taste of freedom has terrified me more than any horror movie I have ever watched. Even if the skies are within the tips of my fingers, how do I return to stable ground? Oh, no. This is bad. Somebody, pull me back! I do not want to drift away aimlessly!

I must have been screaming at the top of my lungs, because my mother came barging into my room, with a puzzled look on her face. “Is everything all right, sweetie?” my mom asks in a rather sweet tone. I told her I just had another bad dream, to which she responded with a warm and reassuring hug. She then told me that I could still sleep for about thirty minutes, or I could proceed downstairs for breakfast.

After mom left the room, I was again lost in my trail of thoughts. Gravity. Wow. I have been lectured thousands of times in science class that it is this force that pulls us down to the ground, acting like some sort of anchor. I laughed to myself as I thought about how Earth is this clingy person who always draws others towards its center; no matter how far you drift away, you will always “gravitate” back.

I must have been AWOL for quite a while because I did not notice my younger sister standing by the door. “Why are you smiling like an idiot?” she asked. “Nothing really, just envisioning a world without an annoying meddling little sister. Oh my, that would be nice.” I replied. She rolled her eyes and uttered, “You’re letting the cold air escape by leaving the door open, stupidhead.” As I watched her smirk triumphantly before leaving, I muttered to myself, “Well, except that cold air does not actually escape, but the warm air from outside the room actually enters, since heat travels from hot to cold, not the other way around. I guess I’m not the stupidhead here.” Or so I thought. Was that even the right explanation? Holy Hephaestus, I should really participate more in class.

I wasted about fifteen minutes pondering about random stuff like gravity and heat transfer before I actually got up from bed. That was when I had this realization about Newton’s First Law of Motion. That fella was right after all. You know, about how an object at rest will stay as it is, unless acted upon by an external force. I would have stayed in bed this whole time if an external factor like going to school did not have to bother me. Newton’s quite a funny guy, don’t you think? An apple falls on his head and boom, he gets this stroke of brilliant insight to come up with a theory about gravity, then becoming a renowned scientist. If an apple were to fall on my head, all I would get is a terrible headache and a bad day.

At this moment, eighteen minutes has passed, so I decide to take a bath first before eating breakfast. As I wait for the tub to be filled with water, I stare blankly at my reflection in the mirror. It stares back at me, piercing through the deepest chambers of my soul, making me feel aghast. Sunken, deep eyes reeking of despair and desolation; chapped, pale lips in a constant sickle curving downwards; and a face, that is horrifyingly indistinguishable to be human. Snapping back to reality, I turned the taps on time before the tub would overflow. Undressing the disappointments of yesterday, I got in the water and sunk back deep enough to leave my nostrils available for breathing. And once again, I am warped to my train of thoughts.

I start thinking about how different objects would either sink or float when put in water. It is rather interesting how the discrepancies in densities would result to this. You know, when something is denser than water, it tends to sink, and vice versa. And it is rather amazing, how water or any fluid for that matter, exerts an upward force on an object immersed in it. I can sort of attribute it to your support system, constantly lifting your spirits and returning you back to the surface when you have sunk rock bottom. But then again, I think to myself, what if I become to heavy and this support system will fail to push me back up?

Tired with all the negative vibes, I dismiss the thought. I started recalling about Archimedes’ Principle, which states that the buoyant force on an object equals the weight of the fluid it displaces. If I remembered it correctly, this was how Archimedes discovered whether the golden crown of the king was indeed crafted from pure gold, without damaging the crown itself. Due to a state of euphoria, he ran around the streets, shouting, “Eureka! Eureka!” Then I wondered to myself, when will I have my own moment of eureka? Will these buoyant forces keep me adrift long enough for me to have it? Or will I eventually become too dense and sink to the bottom, drowning in my own failures and shortcomings?

I slapped myself several times and uttered repeatedly, “The day has just begun. I should not be influenced by negative thoughts.” After wiping dry and clothing myself, I proceeded to meet my mom and annoying sister downstairs for breakfast. My mom, frying more bacon in the pan, smiled sweetly upon seeing me. I smiled, too. Not to my mom, though, but to the bacon I will wholeheartedly consume in a matter of minutes. But as I watch the bacon being flipped over and hear it screaming due to the intensely hot oil it is submerged in, I think about the “cold air will escape” fiasco from my little sister. Heat transfer. Ah yes, heat is a form of energy that can be transferred from one medium to another, from a hotter surface to a cooler one. When we put a pan (with bacon in it, for example) on a burning stove, the energy of the flame from the stove touches the cold pan, transferring heat to the pan, making it hotter. This phenomenon is called conduction. My thought process was interrupted when my mom placed the bacon on my plate, its aroma filling my whole system. As I happily devoured my sumptuous meal, I thought about how my body will convert this bacon into usable energies that will drive me to function for the day, as well as how I am already two minutes late for the bus. In a surge of panic, I took my bag, kissed my mom on the cheek, pinched my little sister’s nose, and rushed out of the door.

As I walked speedily towards the bus stop, I could not help but think of random things as usual. For example, as one walks, he/she actually does some work (recalling that Work=Force*displacement), when he/she exerts some force, and as a result, he/she covers some distance. During walking, Newton’s other laws of motion can also be applied. The Second Law of Motion states that acceleration=Force/mass. In essence, acceleration is directly proportional to the force we use or exert while walking, therefore, when we will apply more force, our acceleration will increase. The Third Law of Motion is about action and reaction. When we set foot on the ground we exert force on it, and as a result, the ground exerts vertical force back on the body. One can also easily walk because of friction. It is responsible for this good grip without slipping because of a sort of roughness or resistance between the soles of one’s shoes and the surface of the road. However, if you are unlucky enough to step on a banana peel, there is a tendency to slip due to the reduced friction between your shoes and the surface of the road caused by the slippery banana peel

And yes, I already missed the bus. To alleviate for the looming bad day, I seek solace from music. With a sense of relief, I realized that I have indeed brought my headphones with me this time. I put them on and had my playlist on shuffle. The first song that plays is the infamous Wrecking Ball by Miley Cyrus. With a slight cringe, I picture her swinging on the wrecking ball just as depicted on the music video. But then, that scenario hits me: I have to report about pendulum in class today! Oh, Zeus. As Miley belts out, “I came in like a wreeecking baaaall!”, I rehearsed my report in mind. The pendulum is any setup that involves an object AKA bob, suspended on a string and is allowed to oscillate. When it is at its highest position, the potential energy is maximum, and the opposite applies to its kinetic energy. As it swings, the potential energy decreases while the kinetic energy increases. As it reaches the central part of the setup, kinetic energy is at its maximum, and the opposite applies to its potential energy. One can say that the mechanical energy of the system is conserved if the total potential energy and kinetic energy are equal with one another. However, dissipative forces such as air resistance will hinder this balance. Oh well, I guess life would have been easier if no such forces would hinder us from achieving balance, right?

I must have been totally distracted because I could suddenly hear a loud and continuous noise that screams of danger. I might have recalled hearing it faintly despite Miley’s voice in my head, but this time, it’s extremely powerful. I turned my head east and realized a speeding truck honking its horns in a desperate attempt to alarm me is advancing towards me. The doppler effect, I processed, is a change in the pitch of a sound when the source moves relative to the listener. It is because the frequency of the sound wave changes as the source of sound moves closer to or farther from the listener. And in this case, it’s moving towards me.

I could not move a muscle; I was frozen stiff. All I could hope is that I am strong enough to endure the oncoming collision. But then of course, that is not possible. The truck moved with a greater speed, and also has a definitely greater mass. I, a lanky person-turned-statue, would surely not be sufficient to stop the momentum of this huge truck. Inertia, the ability to resist change. All my life, I have been afraid of the concept of change, thinking about how I would consequently be unable to recognize myself upon changing. And now, here I am, unable to counter it. In a matter of a millisecond, I will be sent flying away, disfigured and demised.

And then I jolt awake, sweating from the intense nightmare of dying. Wow, that all happened in a dream. I laughed a little as I remembered how I related physics concepts in trivial and mundane occurrences in that dream. But that moment of joy was short-lived, because I realized that I actually fell asleep last night while I was in the middle of reviewing for a physics exam.

Which is today. At 9am. And as I check my phone, it’s already 9:01am.

[breakingmllc]

Anyone But Him Donald Trump T Shirt

Jon Lamar No matter what you think of trump it cannot be debated that most of the media platforms have lied constantly about many different things They fail to double check sources they don t practice real journalism with an unbiased opinion that examines both sides of the argument and when proved wrong they rarely admit mistakes It s no wonder a Anyone But Him Donald Trump T Shirt large percentage of America hates the media They are constantly breaking journalism rules with no oversight or consequence Yes Fox News is included in this group We must demand more of our media. My new parishiltonskincare collection in my ultimate beauty secret to having beautiful glowing skin link in bio ️ queenofskincare antiaging crueltyfree. Dc is celebrating its 75th anniversary dark knight superman returns and all of your favorite movies and series together in one place plus check out yahoo movies for an awesome joker statue giveaway

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Last night I congratulated donald trump and offered to work with him on behalf of our country I hope that he will be a Anyone But Him Donald Trump T Shirt successful president for all americans this is not the outcome we wanted or we worked so hard for and I m sorry we did not win this election for the values we share and the vision we hold for our country but I feel pride and gratitude for this wonderful campaign that we built together this vast diverse creative unruly energized campaign you represent the best of america and being your candidate has been one of the greatest honors of my life I know how disappointed you feel because I feel it too and so do tens of millions of americans who invested their hopes and dreams in this effort this is painful and it will be for a long time but I want you to remember this our campaign was never about one person or even one election it was about the country we love and about building an america that s hopeful inclusive and big hearted we have seen that our nation is more deeply divided than we thought but I still believe in america and I always will and if you do too then we must accept this result and then look to the future donald trump is going to be our president we owe him an open mind and the chance to lead our constitutional democracy enshrines the peaceful transfer of power and we don t just respect that we cherish it it also enshrines other things the rule of law the principle that we re all equal in rights and dignity and the freedom of worship and expression we respect and cherish these things too and we must defend them and let me add our constitutional democracy demands our participation not just every four years but all the time so let s do all we can to keep advancing the causes and values we all hold dear making our economy work for everyone not just those at the top protecting our country and protecting our planet and breaking down all the barriers that hold anyone back from achieving their dreams we ve spent a year and a half bringing together millions of people from every corner of our country to say with one voice that we believe that the american dream is big enough for everyone for people of all races and religions for men and women for immigrants for lgbt people and people with disabilities our responsibility as citizens is to keep doing our part to build that better stronger fairer america we seek and I know you will I am so grateful to stand with all of you I want to thank tim kaine and anne holton for being our partners on this journey it gives me great hope and comfort to know that tim will remain on the front lines of our democracy representing virginia in the senate to barack and michelle obama our country owes you an enormous debt of gratitude for your graceful determined leadership and so do I to bill chelsea marc charlotte aidan our brothers and our entire family my love for you means more than I can ever express you crisscrossed this country on my behalf and lifted me up when I needed it most even 4 month old aidan traveling with his mom I will always be grateful to the creative talented dedicated men and women at our headquarters in brooklyn and across our country who poured their hearts into this campaign for you veterans this was a campaign after a campaign for some of you this was your first campaign ever I want each of you to know that you were the best campaign anyone has had to all the volunteers community leaders activists and union organizers who knocked on doors talked to neighbors posted on facebook even in secret or in private thank you to everyone who sent in contributions as small as 5 and kept us going thank you and to all the young people in particular I want you to hear this I ve spent my entire adult life fighting for what I believe in I ve had successes and I ve had setbacks sometimes really painful ones many of you are at the beginning of your careers you will have successes and setbacks too this loss hurts but please please never stop believing that fighting for what s right is worth it it s always worth it and we need you keep up these fights now and for the rest of your lives to all the women and especially the young women who put their faith in this campaign and in me I want you to know that nothing has made me prouder than to be your champion I know that we still have not shattered that highest glass ceiling but some day someone will hopefully sooner than we might think right now and to all the little girls watching right now never doubt that you are valuable and powerful and deserving of every chance and opportunity in the world finally I am grateful to our country for all it has given me I count my blessings every day that I am an american and I still believe as deeply as I ever have that if we stand together and work together with respect for our differences strength in our convictions and love for this nation our best days are still ahead of us you know I believe we are stronger together and will go forward together and you should never be sorry that you fought for that scripture tells us let us not grow weary in doing good for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart my friends let us have faith in each other let us not grow weary let us not lose heart for there are more seasons to come and there is more work to do I am incredibly honored and grateful to have had this chance to represent all of you in this consequential election may god bless you and god bless the united states of america. I would like to take this opportunity to thank the hosts brasil for an incredible experience during our time in brasil thanks for all the support a special thanks to all our fans in holland brasil and everywhere around the world you’ve been truly amazing and I would like to thank our own family’s friends for your great support towards all of us players staff during the wc in brasil especially my own beautiful family who are always there for me to support me whatever happens in good and bad times thats what family is about I love you bouchra shaqueel dina one love ️ ️ ️. My official mimibot got a festive makeover ️ come chat with me get your playlist and you ll see what I mean don t forget to tweet me your playlists so I can listen smarturl it mariahcareychatbot See Other related products: Corona Extra and shirt

[lifewithlami]

Lagos as Inspiration for Art Director Onyinye Fabi Obi

LAGOS, Nigeria - You may not always reference her by name, but you certainly know her work. As art director and founder of Studio Matte, a boutique brand management agency, Onyinye Fabi Obi, collaborates with some of the biggest creatives on the continent - from Lanre Da Silva Ajayi to Lakin Ogunbanwo - shaping their visual identities on and offline.

It's a challenging job that requires a fine balance - to showcase an authentic aesthetic that appeals to a growing audience at home while crafting images with the ability to transcend cultural expectations abroad. Her scenes are vibrant, full of color, and richly melaninated, but not kitschy and contrived. Obi has a spirit that will surely take her far in her creative endeavors. PROTOChic connected with Obi to hear how she explores her hometown of Lagos as a tourist and where African creatives will be in the next twenty years.

PROTOChic: You are deeply involved in image-making. Where did it all begin for you and who inspired you in the pursuit of this path ?

Onyinye Fabi Obi: One of the first things I picked up when I was young was that I knew I wanted to work in fashion. I loved the fantasy, the dream, and the positivity. Art direction and production became my world long after I had interned in various sectors of fashion from the age of 17 and I decided to stick to art directing because I felt I was really good at it. I figured out my strengths and focused on getting better as time went by. I'm constantly thinking up concepts and different angles. It gives me the opportunity to work with creatives I admire - whether it's a photographer, model, or makeup artist.

PC: Your client work shows such a range in experiences and sentiments, from your work for Lagos Fashion & Design Week to Vlisco. What is your process when working with a client ?

Obi: In a way, my choice of clients is more important to me than anything. I work better when creative freedom and expression within a predefined set of parameters is given to me to create content that serves the client and also makes me sleep with a smile at night. Not all Nigerian clients are open to working that way! I think the pace at the beginning of my career was really fast because I was picked up quite quickly, but eventually I slowed down and now I’m very selective with what I do. It's all about fulfillment and achieving a greater purpose for me right now. I have a goal to create content that transcends beyond Nigeria, so if the brief I am being given doesn't serve this purpose, then the work isn't for me.

PC: How does the city of Lagos inspire your work ?

Obi:: I challenged myself this year to open my inner eye to be able to see and digest every little detail that Lagos has to offer. I'd like to say I'm trying things around me like a tourist in a city I was born and bred in. When I travel, everything I'm experiencing, whether it’s something I see when I am walking the streets or traveling in a car, all of this triggers ideas in my mind. I try to recreate that in Lagos without the heavy ticket price and hotel accommodations. I'm starting to see Lagos in a very different way. I'm inspired by seeing different things and thinking of ways to interpret it into a fashion visual.

PC: You recently launched a skincare range Matte Apothecary. What inspired the brand extension and how are you finding the experience versus your work in art direction and production ?

Obi: It's been a learning process. I feel like a young student learning the ropes of business and building a brand from scratch as opposed to telling people how I think their brand should be. In early 2016, I became obsessed with my skin and what I put on it. I started reading labels on my favorite skin products and couldn't understand half of the ingredients that were in it and decided to go organic. My friends noticed my passion and motivated me to start a skincare brand. It's really different from art direction and production because I can do that in my sleep, but Matte Apothecary requires both attention and focus to grow into the brand I want it to be.

PC: How would you define your personal style and how does your hair play into your self-expression?

Obi: My personal style would be described in one word - COMFORT. I am never in anything not comfortable. There are a thousand and one things going through my mind from sunrise to sunset and life as a creative isn't really a walk in the park either, so I like to be comfortable. My style icon would be Victoria Beckham circa 2015 to date. Her wardrobe has made me exclaim 'OMG! I'd wear that. That's so me!' more times than I can remember and that's so rare for me. I have a signature hairstyle and it was never a conscious effort to try to make a statement with it, except to cover my baby cheeks. With time, older people liken me to vivacious women such as Chaka Khan and Diana Ross and now I feel really sassy with it, like it has a life of its own - my very own helmet.

PC: What inspires your creative eye ?

Obi: I try not to limit my sources of inspiration because I never know what will spark up my creative juices. I'm mostly inspired by my travels and music in different languages of the countries I travel to. I'm obsessed with trips within Africa because I never return to Lagos the same. I'm also inspired by the Golden Age photographers such as Oumar Ly, Jacques Touselle, Mory Bamba, Seydou Keita, and James Barnor because their visuals possess a certain spark towards art direction that I would like to interpret into my own work.

PC: When you think about the next 20 years, where do you see African fashion ?

Obi: The African fashion scene is growing at an alarming rate. There are so many amazing platforms joining hands to push it forward and results are being seen. The creatives are evolving, getting better at their craft, and exporting their talents out of their respective countries. In 20 years, the African fashion scene will be at a point of maturity and stability - a point where parents of young creatives wouldn't raise an eyebrow in doubt at the thought of their children working in fashion.

This interview has been edited and condensed.

[cryptoandfire]

There is nothing wrong in chasing wealth

Chasing wealth is often chastised. The art of obtaining wealth is commonly misunderstood because people think it’s NOT OK to talk about money and wealth.

Can wealth can only be obtained through earning higher income? Oh, I have a middleton income and I will never achieve wealth or financial independence is what most people think. This is completely untrue. These failures exist due to complete lack of actionable financial education taught in school.

Schools teach complex calculus which are not that useful to life but fail to teach money and money management. They don’t want to teach because if they do, you will not carry forward the torch of consumerism culture in the US. Economy depends on velocity of money that’s generated by people exchanging money for transfer of service or value.

It’s appalling that people enter into huge debt to earn that fancy degree for thousands of dollars, but most students fail to understand anything about money at all.

Earned Income <> Wealth

People seem to think that one will automatically become wealthy once they attain high salaries in their career. This is totally far from truth. Only those who keep lifestyle inflation out of their lives will eventually become wealthy.

No matter how much money you earn, there will always be something more and new to buy. It’s like you keep dreaming of something like ‘if only I could afford it’ and years later you see yourself closer to being able to afford it. The problem with earning more money is it gives you a lot more choices and that causes increased spending.

For example, a higher paying job requires more expensive clothes and more travel, which subtracts from the income earned. You also feel the urge to keep up with office Joneses. This is exactly why earned income cannot be associated with what wealth is. Chasing wealth is not equal to spending them away for momentary pleasures!

Keeping up with Joneses

In fact, people that earn higher incomes are often in a worse position to reach financial independence. Simply put, their lifestyle costs more. They become accustomed to a more expensive standard of living and sucked into a flywheel as everyone else that can’t afford to save or get ahead.

The difference is they will have flashy things that others would aspire to have, but don’t know they also have higher payments to make. They generally have more financial stress and the spending cycle escalates to bring their mental peace back.

What is wealth?

By Merriam-Webster definition, wealth refers to an abundance of valuable possessions or money. Even though I’m not fully Financially independent yet, I can assure you that building wealth is grinding it out slowly. There is no magic unicorn waiting to show up secrets to becoming wealthy. You could be lucky and inherit wealth but we are talking about common people here.

Building wealth requires patience, a mix of smart decisions involving investment options and a high savings rate and limiting tax liability legally.

How I honed my Saving skill?

Think about the freedom that you can afford by increasing your Savings rate. My personal Savings rate is much higher because saving habit was inculcated in my life from childhood much before FIRE as a term was coined. Chasing wealth can be fun for people like me.

If you save lesser % of your income per year, you’ll need to work many years before you can afford a year off. That’s why, your income level alone doesn’t determine if you will be wealthy.

If you have watched PlayingWithFire, they ask people to aim for 50% Savings rate. Technically, if you’re able to save 50% of your income per year, you can afford to take one year off work for every year you work, if you maintain your expenses constant.

Flashy people retirement needs more money invested to maintain the same standard of living. So even if someone earns half of what you earned in your whole career at work could still be ahead with a combination of high savings rate, smart investment decisions and pouncing on opportunities outside work.

Chasing Wealth 

If you have a negative mindset with something, you will never grow in that field. It’s the same with money. You need to love money and money management. Enjoy watching your wealth grow once you do.

Average people think talking or having a lot of money is a bad thing. Rather than challenge themselves to read a book to learn more about money, you’ll typically find these folks whining about how hard life is.

Never allow a rich or broke person with low savings rate to influence your spending or behaviour. Aspiring to build wealth and then chasing wealth is the first baby step that you need to make progress.

Independent Thinker

Wealth accumulation creates confidence that could make your life a lot better. It also allows you to feel financially secure and start thinking about things you want to do.

I hate to ask anyone for financial help. I read, learn, evolve, understand what works best and unlearn the rest. Independence builds character and I’m proud to say that I’ve made it so far all by myself.

I never obtained a job through someone I knew. Nowadays referrals seem to be the only way to get jobs. Thankfully I am good at my job and didn’t have to change companies in a while.

The wealth accumulation mentality came through repaying my student loans. I didn’t qualify for any scholarships so had to pay the full student loan principal along with the interest. I hate debt (except for Mortgage) so I quickly paid it off. Being debt free allows me to sleep better at night.

Frankly, everything I’ve done has been solo in the last three years – vacations, investments and my education. I have high respect for independent people because they will definitely not be influenced by anyone else and will make smart decision by increasing their knowledge over time.

Own Your Time

Financial independence and owning my time is the greatest motivator. Blog helps me pour my thoughts into written form that could helps readers. I still have my day job and can’t wait to make the blog a viable career alternative and own my time.

Personally, I invest a lot and diversify it within many asset classes. At the end of the month, when I look at my passive income sources actively contributing 20% to my networth, I get a high. The whole of 2020, my passive income sources have been great and always have contributed atleast 20%. One of the months I had 51% which made me think, if only the passive income remained similar, I’d start owning my time.

Financial independence and owning my own time is the noble reason to pursue wealth.

Constantly Invest and Full-Time Blog in RE

You need to have a clear vision about how you intend to spend free time once you hit your target. Your wealth needs a purpose. You need to know yourself better before retiring and know exactly what you want to do with your time. Otherwise, Early Retirement could end bad.

In my case, I’m fortunate to have found two hobbies that I thoroughly enjoy. It’s not that I don’t like my day job but it is more fulfilling to work on my own product rather than making another company rich through my efforts. I already excel at investing with a high win ratio (well aware it could change any day) and now trying to help everyone with my knowledge on this blog.

On the investing side, I’m trying to build a cash cow to have constant passive income to allocate and reinvest. The first step is to get passive income cover all my expenses and then slowly increase over time. This will make retiring early a reality!

At the time of writing this article, my blog gets no hits (one week baby!) apart from bot hits. I am ready to produce at least 500 quality content before the blog turns 1 and then evaluate the performance of the blog. It’s a form of giving back (knowledge). Hopefully the blog is useful at least to some people in a year.

Make Life Easy For Kids

The world is running at a break neck pace with increased competition. Legacy and ensuring financial security for your family can be achieved by chasing wealth.

Your kids could inherit all the wealth and not have to start from zero if you don’t waste money on things you don’t enjoy, just to keep up with friends or colleagues. You have the opportunity to leave behind a legacy for your family.

Money Matters

People like to use the cliched sentence that’s often repeated “money doesn’t buy happiness”, but an old study showed that earning more money does increase happiness — to an extent, before leveling off after around $75,000 per year. The diminishing returns effect of money plays its part beyond that. But anyone pursuing fire would need to accumulate wealth faster in their formative years so they could do what they like in their latter years of FIRE life

Money matters! If you like it or not, we live in a world where everything is based on how much money in your wallet. Money is not everything but it definitely is something.

Parting Thoughts

If careers in sports and the arts were easy, everyone would do them. A limited number of people generally succeed in making it a viable career path. It takes a special kind of dedication to succeed in either arena. Coming to terms with the fact that I cannot be one of those people is the best thing I did.

It’s not selling out oneself to do what’s best for you financially, even if that means you end up in a career you would have once considered not interesting. You never know, if you pursue your side hustles hard enough, maybe they will eventually become your main hustle.

Owning your own time and being financially independent should be the guiding force. Take the time to appreciate you have the job that you do right now and progress towards a happy life. Chasing wealth is definitely not wrong as long as it helps achieve your goals!

 The post There is nothing wrong in chasing wealth appeared first on Crypto and FIRE.

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[themindfulword]

SELF-DOUBT: The terrorist living within our souls

A flower in a field full of flowers will blossom, and regardless of how beautiful the flowers around it are, it'll grow to be as beautiful as it can be. We too are designed to grow into our full selves. We learn with time and experience how important it is not to focus on pleasing others, but to become our own source of motivation. All too often, I've fallen into a trap, believing that those people who use their talents to accomplish great things are of a different breed than myself. In the past, I've found myself using phrases such as, “It’s easy for them because...” or "I wish I could do that." The truth is that I was either too frightened to take a risk, or I was intimidated by the accomplishments of others, believing that successful people were superhumans who didn't have the same worries as I did.  This lack of self-belief kept me trapped within myself, and I found myself living a life less than that of which I was capable. I'd hide in the excuses created by fear, and avoid taking the risks that I knew were required to live the life I desired. It isn’t security, but the illusion of security, that robs us of ambition. The biggest risk we can take is no risk at all. This year, I finally made the decision my heart had always desired, and I left the life, culture and routine I knew to jump into the unknown. I bought a one-way ticket to Nepal.

17 Days in a Nepali jail

During my time in Nepal, I found myself facing many uncertainties and overcoming challenges almost daily. I was building strength and growing constantly. However, everything I believed in was put to the test when I found myself locked up in a Nepali jail for 17 days. I was thrown into my personal worst-case scenario. I had my freedom taken away from me, and found myself in conditions I'd only ever read about. I was kept in a cell that measured about 1.7 by 3 metres. It was occupied by six to 14 people, and an assortment of insects that would happily crawl over my face during the late hours of the night. I couldn’t understand what was happening around me, as the only English-speaking person in there, and I quickly learned about the minimal human rights conditions that exist in these scenarios. We were kept in the cell for 24 hours a day, seven days a week, with no exposure to natural light or exercise. Being 7,000 kilometres from home, I was also unable to speak to anybody about my situation.

The strength of the human spirit

It was during this time that I had to really dig deep and harness my inner strength to remain calm and sane. I learned how strong the human spirit really can be, as I had no choice but to be calm and remain resolute in my beliefs. This was a time during which I was confronted by fear and uncertainty; it was a discovery moment. I learned lessons of the self, of empathy, of faith, of perseverance and of hope. The first few days were the scariest ones I'd ever faced, as the guards would use force, but I learned how to use empathy. I had to go deep within and understand that the guards themselves were also trapped behind bars every day. They'd have to witness the suffering of their fellow human beings, and even inflict it, regardless of their beliefs. The system is constructed in such a way. I had to remember that they might also be unhappy. With this understanding, I was able to dispel any anger or hate that I could possibly harbour against them, and harness empathy to relate to them on a human level. Eventually, I was able to use this compassion to create positive relationships with some of the guards, which also positively changed the treatment I received.

Bringing light to others

I leaned on my faith for the strength to see each day through, and to understand why I found myself in this scenario, as well as how I could use it to bring some light to those around me. I prayed, every day, that my friends and family were holding themselves together. I prayed for the return of my freedom, and I prayed for the wisdom to learn from the experience. Each day, I wrote about how I was feeling, the gifts I was receiving and the growth I was going through. I tried to form relationships with the other inmates through an understanding and connection deeper than language, and find ways to share and contribute to their lives while I was there. I formed a brotherhood with my fellow inmates, and we shared everything with each other and ensured that we were all kept safe.

Everything in life is temporary

Although I wasn't sure how long I was going to be locked up for, I knew it was a temporary situation. I wouldn't allow myself to feel like a victim of circumstances by dwelling on the past, but instead, I decided to be fully present and feel every moment. I formed some deep connections and relationships and even learned some Nepali phrases. The experience gave me more perspective on what's important in life, along with where to place my energy, what to value and the beauty of the people in my life. I now have a better understanding of the value of time and of the freedom of making decisions. We spend so much time worrying about the little things that don’t matter, that we hinder our potential to reach the great things we're capable of. I harbour no ill will, no anger and no hate, just love and appreciation for having been given this great gift to propel me forward in life. I've also had my values and character tested, and I hope that I've been able to come through stronger and more humbled. I've had my faith strengthened, and I truly believe in the power that's guiding and looking after me as I pursue this uncertain path.

Staying in Nepal

After being released, I had a choice. Many of my friends and family wanted me to return home. I had to explain that this choice wasn't meant for me, and that the gift of perspective I'd gained wasn't something I wanted to let go of. I've remained in Nepal to contribute to society, working with several projects to help maximize their impact, while taking with me the lessons I've learned. Situations like mine are the very situations that could serve as fertile breeding ground for the seeds of self-doubt or fear to grow. What happened is personal to me, but we can all relate to feelings of fear or inadequacy that can lead to us making decisions we feel we need to, rather than those we want to. We'll all face moments in life that push us to our limits—physically, mentally and emotionally—and these are the perfect moments for us to realize that we're in charge of our own destiny.

What I learned

We must stay true to ourselves I learned that, during this time of extreme trauma, losing myself and my beliefs would've been detrimental to my physical and mental health. It would've been easy and understandable to become filled with anger and hate towards the police or Nepal. By showing compassion and gratitude, however, I was able to secure my physical well-being. I showed gratitude for the food from a bucket that came twice a day. I showed gratitude for cleaning the toilets when asked to, or taking the rubbish out to the bin in the courtyard. It was in these small moments of appreciation that I understood that I still had it better than others in this world, and the guards were no longer inclined to physically push me around. During the dark times, when my mind would see no hope, I'd recite mantras. To sleep at night, I practiced meditation techniques. This stopped my mind from running away with its thoughts and creating scenarios that didn’t exist, and thereby allowed me to step back from the trauma and show compassion and understanding. Know it will be difficult Whatever we desire—a dream job, to travel the world or to increase our confidence—new relationships will be difficult. If we prepare for this, though, we'll be preparing ourselves to succeed. I came to Nepal knowing that I'd left all the personal and professional security I had behind in London, England. This has allowed me to embrace the joy of the journey, including all the new connections, experiences and moments that have come with it. It's also allowed me to appreciate small victories and pleasures, and live each day to the fullest. Days were once a procession, as I waited for the weekend to come around, but each one is now an adventure full of new opportunities for me to take.  Happiness is in the pursuit

Sometimes, life's journey is long and difficult. We face obstacles that might break us, scare us or make us feel weak. Sometimes, it can be difficult to see the gift or the reason why we're faced with certain situations. So many of us stop ourselves from pursuing something we love or desire due to worry.  Once we worry, we play out the worst-case scenario in our heads and don’t take on anything. We stop ourselves from reaching what we're capable of. Sure, there are moments when things become uncomfortable, but this will happen regardless of whether we seek safety or risk. If we're pursuing something we love, we'll find ourselves motivated beyond comprehension. We'll attract people who will help us along on the journey, and we'll find ourselves in situations that we'd once only dreamed about. Self-doubt truly is a terrorist living within our souls. «RELATED READ» TEMPTING THE DEVIL IN THE NAME OF GOD: The heavy hand of fate » image 1 Pixabay 2 Pixabay 3 Pixabay 4 Pixabay Read the full article

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Stolen Freedom

I have had anxiety for almost all of my life. Crowds have always been a huge source of anxiety for me, even as a child. I vividly remember having panic attacks at large events, crowded stores, and busy places from a very young age. I think, initially, my fear of crowds did originate from my blindness. As a kid, I never learned how to use a cane, and really relied on my listening-skills to get around. Everywhere I went, I would listen to any auditory clues around me to get a better sense of my environment. Beeps from a check-out lane, humming from machines like water fountains or refrigerators, the sound of a door opening and closing, chairs being scooted in and out… I paid special attention to the subtle sound changes that occur when passing a large object, or walking alongside walls and buildings. I would also use auditory clues from people around me like the sound of footsteps or people chatting to get a better idea of my surroundings. 

    In a crowd, all of those auditory clues get distorted. There are too many people and too much commotion to notice those subtle sound changes. It can get too loud to hear and adequately rely on the noises in the environment. It can be pretty disorienting!  I also just didn’t like the feeling of people surrounding me.  

    When I was 14 years old, I started learning how to use a cane. It was so refreshing to have another tool that I could use to gather information about the places I went! During my high school years, I worked really hard to develop good cane skills. I felt my confidence grow a lot more as a cane user. It was so much easier to navigate around school, stores, and neighborhoods.  Navigating crowds became a bit easier, but the anxiety still remained. 

    When I went to college, my anxiety in crowds became worse. A university is such a crowded place to begin with, and I found it hard to adjust to constantly having to navigate through massive amounts of people. I began to isolate myself and avoided going anywhere too busy. 

    When I was a sophomore in college, I decided to apply for a guide dog. One of the biggest reasons I decided to apply was the hope that a guide dog would make it easier to navigate crowds, and eliminate some of the anxiety I felt. In August of 2015, I went to Guide Dogs for the Blind and met my first (and current) guide dog, Gabrielle. Everything changed when I met Gabrielle. I was amazed at how fast and smooth we walked together. The feeling of traveling with a guide dog really isn’t like any other. I gained so much confidence and freedom. The world felt limitless with Gabrielle by my side. She exceeded all of my hopes and dreams that I had when I decided to apply for a guide dog. My anxiety in crowds drastically diminished. Gabrielle seemed to thrive at the challenge of navigating through large crowds and busy areas. With my new-found confidence, I no longer avoided or dreaded going out. 

    Of course, Gabrielle went absolutely everywhere with me. I was so overjoyed and empowered to no longer feel fearful of going places, no matter how crowded they were. However, as Gabrielle and I grew as a team, so did the issue of fake service dogs, and the trend of taking pets into non-pet-friendly places. This instilled a brand new anxiety in me. Now, I constantly have the fear of encountering a pet or a fake service dog. After a few close calls and countless encounters with pets/fake SDs, I have become apprehensive about going on certain outings with Gabrielle. Especially to places where I know this is a huge problem. For example, I no longer take Gabrielle to Walmart, because every time I go, there are at least 2 dogs in the store on any given day. We have been approached and nearly attacked by several dogs at Walmart. For that particular outing, I just feel safer leaving Gabrielle at home. 

    Because it is such a huge problem now, my anxiety surrounding going out has returned, but for a different reason. I never know where or when we could encounter an aggressive dog. I think there is an additional fear because I can’t see if there is a dog in a place where it shouldn’t be. Of course, I am able to use some auditory clues if I hear dog tags or paws on the floor. But the dog has to be close for me to be able to pick up on that, and by then, it could be too late. I can’t see a dog from across an aisle to be able to avoid an encounter. I can’t visually read dogs’ body language to be able to gauge weather or not it is a threat to us. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t super hyper-vigilant. 

    Gabrielle has helped my anxiety in countless ways, but now this issue has caused me to have anxiety about taking her out. In a way, I feel as if my freedom has been stolen from me. I shouldn’t have to feel unsafe for having my service dog with me. I shouldn’t have to live in fear that a dog is going to attack her in a grocery store. I shouldn’t have to be hyper-vigilant when shopping at the mall. This issue has grown, and it is everywhere. It is so harmful to service dog handlers in ways that many people wouldn’t even think about. I don’t have all of the answers to how we solve the problem of fake service animals and pets in stores, but I do know that something needs to change!

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