#nostalgia is the wrong word it was more grim dwelling on the past that i didn’t even want to go back to. SO DON’T LOOK BACK!

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DON’T LOOK BACK YOU’RE NOT GOING THAT WAY

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If I Had My Choice: Part 11

Alexander x Female Reader

Part One

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Masterlist

Word Count: 5787

Tags:  @yehummno @robotic-space @isntthisenoughwhatwouldbeenough @unprofessional-inhumanbeing @sorryimacrapwriter @a-meme-you-cant-sweat-out@justanotherhamiltrash@marquiis-de-la-baguette @akarihamada @voldecrux @whowrotetheother51@bruuuhhhh-here-i-am

A/N: I have risen from the dead! And by dead, I mean engineering classes! I apologize in advance though that engineering classes does mean my brain is a little fried, and this may be one of the more poorly written chapters, but to offset that bad news, I have some good news! This is my project for NaNoWriMo this year! So I should get it most of the way done. If you want to monitor my progress and write with me, go be my buddy on NaNo! My handle’s @haleighza. And please enjoy this chapter! (Also, the song at the end of the chapter is Hymn for Her by Anchor and Braille, if anyone’s interested.)

Alexander stiffened beside you as you both took an unconscious step away from each other. Your stomach began turning as the figure at the end of the hallway remained unresponsive.

With a shaky breath, you began walking towards the man at the other end of the hallway, but to your dismay, his eyes didn’t follow you. They remained locked on Alexander.

Still staring with an unreadable expression down the hall when you reached him, you gently laid your hands on his arms, your eyes pleading for his to meet yours. Startled by the contact, his eyes shot down to yours, this time with an emotion flooding them: betrayal.

You forced yourself not to flinch from the expression. “I- I can explain,” you whispered, but the words came out more forced than as an offer.

Your father’s eyes barely considered yours as they flicked back to Alexander. Instinctively, you glanced back at him as well and swallowed thickly as you noticed his petrified expression. Taking a deep breath you closed your eyes and forced yourself to focus, fighting against your entire body’s instinct to panic. Anyone could walk down this hall right now and while they probably wouldn’t be able to draw any exact conclusions from the scene at hand, you couldn’t afford any rumors to fly. Because it only took so long for rumors to morph into the truth.

“Right, okay, we’re leaving,” you gritted, tightening your right hand on your father’s arm and pulling him down the hall away from Alexander, silently hoping Alexander would have the common sense not to follow you. Your father moved without comment, but then again he hardly ever had a comment. You dragged him through the manor until you reached his office, a recluse room as far away from your mother’s as it could be.

Once you were inside, you let go of his arm and quickly shut the door. Even though you had released him, he hadn’t moved from your side and you could still feel his presence as you stared at the door, hesitating to turn around. Biting your cheek to keep the tears building behind your eyes at bay, you tried to take a deep breath, waiting for your father to say something--anything. But when he remained silent, you decided to speak up.

“It’s not what you think,” you weakly reasoned, still facing your back towards him. But he still had nothing to say, so you turned around. He was staring at you, observing you, trying to piece together what was happening, and his eyes… his eyes looked as if they were trying to recognize the person standing in front of him. A tear fell onto your cheek.

You both stood there, staring at each other as the beats passed, but you refused to break the silence this time. And eventually, your father relented.

“I always thought you’d do better. But that boy is just your mother,” he confessed softly. There was no accusation in his voice, just disappointment as he turned from you and made his way towards his desk.

You stood stunned for a few seconds, trying to comprehend what your father just said. “He’s not Aremine,” you said simply, still in disbelief he would ever make the comparison. When your father refused to acknowledge your statement, you clenched your fist and gritted your teeth. “He’s not. He’s kind, and caring, and is actively working with us against her. If you read his papers, heard his ideas, you would like him, Father. I know you would.” You paused and waited for your father to respond, or even just look at you. But when he still ignored you, you became desperate. “I know what we’re doing is wrong, okay? I know how much it will hurt Bethany, and I don’t have an excuse. But we are not the mistakes of those who came before us. And I- I have it under control.” Your father’s eyes shot up to yours in an accusatory disbelief, so you doubled down on your statement. “I do. And when the time comes, I’ll end things between Alexander and I. Before anyone else finds out, and before Bethany is hurt. We both went into the relationship knowing there was an expiration date, so I promise… when the time comes, it’ll end.”

Your father stared at you, his expression softening ever so slightly, and you allowed yourself to let out a breath of relief. He still wasn’t happy with you, but his eyes conveyed that he would try to be understanding, and you supposed that’s all you could ask for.

Knowing you wouldn’t get any more conversation on the subject from your father, you turned dutifully to leave, but hesitated. Turning back to him slowly, you said in a steady voice, “Do I have your word you won’t speak of what you saw to anyone?” Your father met your eyes with a sort of regret in them, but relented a small nod. Satisfied, you left the room promptly, still shaking from the encounter.

When you had retreated all the way back to your hall, your skin became clammy noticing two people whispering seriously at the end of the hall. You stopped walking when Alexander’s eyes glanced over to yours and held them. The figure with him turned around, noticing his gaze, and you swallowed thickly when you recognized Bethany’s grim expression.

Briefly turning back and whispering something to Alexander, Bethany then turned and tried to confidently approach you in the hallway. Your feet felt cemented to the floor, at an utter loss as to why Bethany was looking at you so.

“Y/N,” Bethany greeted with a half attempted smile. “I was just looking for you, and Alexander was just telling me how you went to visit father this morning.”

“I’m back now,” you responded lamely, wishing Bethany didn’t have to always put up this pretense before she delivered bad news.

She grimaced at your response and clenched her eyes trying to compose herself. “Right, um…” she tried to begin, but she struggled to form the words. “I was looking for you because, well,” her sentence trailed off as she avoided your eyes.

“Bethany,” you leveled, needing to know what had your sister so worked up. “Whatever it is, you can just tell me,” you promised, holding your breath.

“Mother’s insisting I accompany her to the Summit this year instead of you,” she finally blurted out, and cringed waiting for your response.

Your face remained blank as you processed the words. Remaining unperturbed, your eyes met Bethany’s fearful ones. “Is that all?” you asked, relieved. Bethany furrowed her eyebrows at your response. “The Summit would be a good experience for you. Don’t let Lady Bryke pull the fountain prank on you, however. You only make that mistake once.” You flashed your dumbfounded sister a small smile and tousled her hair as you began to walk past her.

Seemingly catching up to your response in her head, Bethany ran to cut you off before entering your room. “You’re not mad?” she asked breathless. “Because this really is supposed to be a trip for the next in line, and I don’t know why mother would want me to go instead, and I won’t if you don’t want me to-”

“Whoa whoa, slow down, Bethie,” you stopped her with a gentle laugh. You noticed her expression flash to a brief state of nostalgia and pain upon hearing your childhood nickname for her, but you chose not to dwell on it. “I’ve already been to two Summits. It’s your turn.”

Bethany considered you for a brief instant before tackling you in a hug. “Thank you, Y/N!” she cried, and then she was gone, sprinting away surely to begin packing her things, leaving you once again in the hallway with Alexander. Sighing, you gestured for him to join you in your room.

Once the door was closed, he spoke. “How did things with your father go?” he asked, with a bit of shame in his voice.

You thought about the barely conversation you had with your father, and shook your head, not willing to go into details. “He’s not going to tell anyone,” you disclosed, figuring that was the only information of value to offer Alexander.

Alexander nodded, and moved on to the topic that was clearly bothering him. “How could you just… let her take your spot?” he inquired, obviously attempting to keep the judgement from his voice, and yet still failing.

You sighed, knowing Alexander would take issue with it. “It’s not Bethany’s fault. And I have to choose my battles. I led the last sector meeting, so it makes sense she would retaliate by taking Bethany to the Summit.”

“The Summit is not a sector meeting, Y/N,” Alexander tried to reason with you. “It’s a three month strategy meeting with all of your sector’s allies. It’s much bigger than some meeting at your estate.”

“Alexander, I’ll not here more on the subject. If I don’t go to the Summit, then I can still run CP here while Philip and Theodosia are still in Dmere. And if everything goes well with the Dmere meeting, the Summit will essentially be worthless to me anyways,” you explained, trying to calm Alexander down. Because something in his attitude was scaring you, but you couldn’t quite put your finger on it.

You could see from the fire in his eyes he was still going to fight you on this, so you braced yourself for whatever he was about to say.

“But it’s like Aremine is trying to undermine your progress--replace you as her heir in the eyes of her allies.”

You opened your mouth to respond, but instead you closed your eyes and sighed at his words. Forcing a smile on your face, you placed a light kiss on his cheek.

“Thank you for always fighting for me, Alexander. But you just need to trust me on this one, okay?” you asked quietly. Noting your suddenly quiet reserve, he nodded slowly.

Both of you stood silently for a few more moment before Alexander finally broke the silence. “I- I have my walk with Bethany. I have to-”

“Go,” you commanded with a light smile. His face searched yours briefly for another second, and then gave a curt nod and dutifully left. You let out a loud sigh as you watched the door close behind him. The conversation playing and replaying over and over again in your mind.

Two substantial problems presented themselves in your most recent interaction with Alexander.

The first was he was beginning to choose you without reasoning in every situation over Bethany.

The second was he presented you with the solution to your promise to find your sector a new leader.

And unfortunately for you, those two problems created a third problem of itself: you could only solve one or the other.

A week passed and you were grateful Alexander had relented on the subject of allowing Bethany to attend the Summit… though part of you assumed he was only being so amicable about it because he realized Bethany and your mother leaving for three months left the two of you with three months to yourselves.

And you felt terrible to also be excited about that. You never wanted to be the sister who pushed her younger sister away. You never wanted to be the sister who began secretly dating her younger sister’s Choice. And you definitely never wanted to be the sister who looked forward to her younger sister’s departure so she could commit adultery easier.

Sighing, you buried your hands in your head at your desk, wondering who exactly you’d become when you met Alexander. Your mind flashed back to your father not recognizing you after catching you with Alexander and you bit your lip to keep the tears from building. In the moment, you hadn’t understood, but now. Sitting here in what felt like someone else’s life and bad decisions, a part of yourself didn’t recognize you either.

“Y/N?” A voice came softly from your doorway. Shooting up and taking a breath before forcing a smile on your face, you turned to face Alexander. “They’ll be departing soon,” he announced gently. You nodded, and quickly gathered the papers on your desk into a neat pile. With a deep breath, you smiled and made your way towards the door to say goodbye to Bethany together.

Bethany tackled you as soon as you turned the corner. When she released you, she went straight to Alexander. He held her tightly and whispered something softly to her. A prick of something hit your skin, but ignored it as you watched Bethany pull away from her fiance and turn towards you.

“Watch out for him while I’m gone?” she asked you, half playful, knowing Alexander had only lived in the palace for less than a year and was sure to still be rather uncomfortable by himself for three months.

You swallowed thickly as your eyes met Alexanders. “I think I can manage that,” you finally responded with a strained smile. You looked up at Alexander with a meaningful glance and cleared your throat. “Do you think I could get a moment alone with me sister?” you asked dutifully, and he glanced at Bethany and then back at you before nodding shortly and walking away.

Recognizing the expression on your face, Bethany’s face fell slightly. “Y/N? What is it?” she asked concerned, and you took a deep breath, gave her a pained smile and guided her to sit with you for a moment.

“I have something I should have told you a long time ago, I just… never could find it in me,” you began describing, avoiding Bethany’s concerned eyes and furrowed eyebrows. “I need you to understand--before I tell you--that I never told you to protect you.” Bethany began to protest, surely to state that she didn’t need you protecting her, but you held up a hand to silence her and wait for you to finish. “I know you think you don’t need protecting. And I’m going to start trying to not be so… overbearing. That’s why I’m telling you now.”

Bethany relaxed slightly at this and nodded that she was ready for you to continue.

You fidgeted with your hands for a second, but finally met Bethany’s eyes. “John died in the war,” you managed to breathe out.

Your sister stared at you dumbfounded, unconsciously shaking her head. “What- What are you talking about, Y/N?”

Gritting your teeth, you pushed yourself to continue. “I received word two years ago that he had been shot and killed in battle,” you explained, tears threatening to break loose from your eyes as you resumed avoiding eye contact.

From the corner of your eye, you noticed Bethany begin to shake her head. “No that’s- Oh Y/N, I’m so sorry,” she comforted at a loss for other words, and wrapped you in a tight hug. A few tears slipped from your eyes as Bethany whispered into your ear, “I’m sorry you felt like you needed to protect me from your grief. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you.”

You let out a small laugh as she pulled away from you, and your hand gently grazed her cheek. “You never did anything wrong, Bethany. Old habits just die hard for me,” you explained through your tears, and you noticed at some point she had begun crying as well.

After a moment of silence, she spoke again. “Did Mother tell you?” she asked softly.

You stiffened. “No. And she doesn’t know I know,” you disclosed pointedly, become serious enough to get your point across. Bethany was taken aback by your statement.

“Then how-”

“I can’t tell you how Bethany. I just need you to trust me,” you cut her off with a rueful smile. Your sister opened her mouth to speak again, but eventually settled on just accepting your trust and nodding. “I’m telling you now because you’re going to a three month conference on the war that killed John. And you cannot speak any opinion on this war that is not our mother’s. Do you understand me?”

“But Y/N-”

You cut her off again. “I want you to form an opinion of your own. And I want you to cultivate it among those that are constructing the war at the Summit. But I need you to be safe, and I need you to promise me you will never speak your opinion at the Summit.”

So many questions ran through Bethany’s eyes that you couldn’t answer now without putting her in more danger. So instead you kissed her forehead and wrapped her in a tight hug. “We’ll speak after the Summit, okay? After you return from the Summit and we have the ball, we’ll talk,” you offered as a compromise.

Still staring at you unsure of what to make of your conversation, she finally nodded. “O-Okay. I trust you, Y/N,” she whispered shakily.

A presence came up on the two of you, and you both looked up teary eyed to Alexander. He had a questioning glint in his eyes, but respected it wasn’t his place to inquire about their conversation.

“They’re all waiting for you, Bethany,” he announced softly, and she nodded, and quickly threw her arms around you for one last hug before she got up and walked away with Alexander.

Standing up slowly, you worked your way through the household staff to the front of the entryway to see your mother and sister pile into the carriage. Alexander was down at the carriage speaking to Bethany softly. She lightly placed her hands on his cheeks and left him with a gentle kiss, before he pulled away and closed the carriage door.

Alexander stood outside the manor and watched as the carriage pulled away down the long lane. It seemed as if all the household staff, including yourself, were holding their breaths as they watched Aremine leave. By the time the carriage was just a speck in the distance, most of the tension in the crowd around you had relaxed and most were looking at you expectantly.

Right, you breathed. They would be looking to you for further instruction, and you knew exactly what you would tell them.

You turned around to face the entire household staff, feeling Alexander’s presence come up behind you. “Okay,” you began shakily as you felt fifty pairs of eyes stare at you. “Enjoy your three months, everyone. I’m sending you all home for paid leave. As it’s just Alexander, my father and I here, and the gardens won’t need tending as winter is almost upon us, I think the three of us can hold up without you all. Thank you for all your service over the years, but I want you all to see your families for once during the holidays.”

It seemed as if everyone were frozen by your words. You smiled triumphantly at their shock, knowing your mother had never given them more than a few days off in their years attending to the manor, and severely docked their pay when she had.

Finally, a maid in the front of the crowd spoke up. “But, ma’am. Won’t your mother find out?” she squeaked, terrified of returning to an angry Aremine, or worse: no job. But you simply gave a comforting smile.

“I won’t tell her if you don’t,” you promised with a small smile. “And I’ve grown up with you, Therese. All of you actually,” you reminded them, and Therese seemed shocked you knew her name at all. “I know you can have this manor looking like none of you ever left in three days. So I don’t want to see most of you until three days before the ball.” You saw a few tears shed throughout the crowd and you could feel the pride radiating off of Alexander from behind you.

“This is wonderful, my lady, but I’m afraid there’s another thing your mother is sure to catch on to,” Gertrude, the household cook spoke up. “She will notice if there’s a bunch of uneaten food that the staff normally eats.” She relayed the news sullenly, and most of the staff sobered up at the announcement.

This bit of news caught you off guard, but you considered it for a moment. “She doesn’t usually let you eat much, right?” you asked for a confirmation, and most of the crowd nodded. Turning to direct your next question specifically at Gertrude, you asked, “About how much food does the staff go through in a week?”

She was taken aback by the question, but then was at a loss. “It’s hard to say, my lady.”

“Would it be close to as much food as a feast for the entire staff and their families every week?” you asked generally.

Once again the crowd froze in shock as Gertrude sputtered for an answer. “I- I would guess, yes, my lady.”

You beamed. “Great! Then you’re all invited to return to the estate every Wednesday evening with your families for a feast. No one is, of course, required to come, but I really want to give back to you all after these years. So if the journey is manageable, and I know it may not be for some of you from further away, please know you’re always welcome,” you announced, and the reaction was immediate. All of the staff began chattering excitedly and you felt warm knowing you had made a direct impact in their lives. “Okay okay,” you called out, having a few more announcements before they departed. They all settled immediately, hanging on your every word. “The annual ball is the day my mother is to return from the Summit, so please plan to return three days before then. If you think you’ll need more than three days, you’re welcome to return early, just send me a notice. I will need to speak to Frederick for some ball plans, Raino for the stables, and Gertrude for the feasts before you leave, but as long as no one else has concerns, you are free to go. I’ll see some of you this Wednesday.”

The crowd quickly dispersed buzzing with thanks and gratitude. Several of your staff fought the crowd forward to shake your hand and thank you personally, to which you tried your best to thank them each by name. And each of them seemed so surprised that over the course of your lifetime you had learned what to call them. It warmed your heart.

The three who were asked to stay behind stood a little was away from you, discussing something with rapture. Before you could approach them, you heard a low whisper in your ear.

“That was incredible, Y/N,” Alexander told you, slightly in awe, and you turned to him with the brightest smile. You wanted to kiss him right there and then, but you knew you had to address the remainders of your staff first.

With a deep breath, you turned from Alexander and approached the trio, who all silenced in admiration upon noticing your presence.

Raino was the first to speak. “I’m willing to stay, ma’am,” he offered earnestly. “The stable are too big of a job for one person who’s never handled them before.”

You sighed, afraid this would be the case. “I wouldn’t ask you to stay if everyone else gets to leave. There must be some way to-”

“Ma’am, I insist. I won’t leave you with the stables,” he demanded. You considered him for a short time, then relented.

“Fine, but your sending for your family and they will spend the three months here with you in the guest house,” you compromised. His eyes went wide as he tried to protest, but you wouldn’t have it. “Raino, you have two sons and wife that want to see you for the holidays, and we have more than enough room for you at the estate. Go, send for them.”

Taking you by surprise, he forcibly wrapped you in a hug. “Thank you, miss. I had you pegged all wrong.” And then with a happy skip he ran to get message to his family.

With a smile you met Gertrude and Frederick’s teary expressions. “I really hate to ask you two this but-”

“We’ll be back promptly every Wednesday morning and leave that evening after the feast,” Gertrude cut you off, and you breathed a sigh of relief at their willingness. “I’ll be able to cook up all the food in that time.”

“And we can hash out details for the ball then too,” Frederick finished. You wrapped them gratefully in a hug and thanked them. “No thank you,” Frederick responded, as he pulled back. “You did some real good today, Lady Y/N.”

You weren’t sure if you would ever be able to wipe the smile off your face. Waving goodbye as you watched the two take their leave, you let out a happy sigh and spun suddenly on Alexander who was observing her with a unmanageable grin.

“You know, you really ought to-”

Cutting him off by throwing yourself at him and catching his mouth in a kiss, you felt his arms wrap tightly around you as you both thrived in your newfound freedom.

With a soft chuckle he broke away from you. “You know, if you wanted to get me alone, there are easier ways than dismissing your entire staff,” he teased you lightly, and you laughed.

“Yes,” you agreed, allowing a twinkle of a smirk to enter you eyes, “But if I did it any other way would I be able to do this?” you asked as you immediately interlaced your fingers with his, and began dragging him, racing through the halls. You both hollered as you ran, unafraid to make as much noise as you could that you were together and unashamedly so.

When you reached your room, you both breathlessly entered, and his lips trapped yours as soon as you were through the threshold. Drunkenly, you stumbled backwards as he gently guided you until the back of your legs hit your bed. You fell backwards and Alexander gently landed on top of you as your kiss persisted.

The two of you finally pulled back, trying to allow your mind to catch up to the position you were now both in. A light blush seeped into both of your cheeks, knowing this was the most forward either of you had ever been with each other.

You cleared your throat. “We just made out on my bed,” you commented, trying to keep your tone light.

Alexander hummed in agreement. “I think we’re ready,” he playfully announced.

Your cheeks immediately flushed bright red as you sputtered. “Ready?” you inquired nervously. Because you most certainly were not ready if he was implying what you thought he was implying. And yet his impish grin made you think that was just what he wanted you to think.

“Oh yeah, definitely,” he responded, allowing a clear tease into his voice this time, making you suspicious. You quirked your eyebrows in a question, and before you could registered he had moved, you felt a pillow being slammed in your face.

“Pillow fight!” he screamed, as he backed off you on the defensive. You burst out into a hefty laughter curling up on yourself on the bed.

“You’re unbelievable!” you cried out, specifically addressing his misdirection a moment earlier. You looked up at him beaming at you standing on the other end of the bed. Rolling onto your knees, you grabbed another one of your pillows and stood to face him.

He smirked, duly noting how serious you were about to take this. “Okay rules: Only contact is to be made with pillows. This bed is the turf. And it’s not over until one of us begs for mercy.”

“Neither of us are good at following rules, you know,” you taunted him, to which he shot you a playful smirk. Seeing he was seemingly not worried about this fact, however, you shrugged your shoulders. “You’re on,” you challenged, and then you lunged for him.

You aren’t sure how long the fight lasted, just at the end of it, both of you were begging for mercy due to the cramps in your abdomens from the endless laughter throughout the fight. Curled up on the bed together, still laughing, you ran your fingers softly through his hair as he looked up at you, sobering slightly. The sun had began to make its descent in the sky.

“Can I stay with you tonight?” he asked quietly. And the way he said it betrayed he was nervous. And you knew he had been working up the courage to ask you all day. And most of you wanted him to stay more than anything.

But there was a small part of you that fought it.

“I told you we’re terrible at following rules,” you jested lightly, but he saw right through your deflection. His eyes shadowed over at you not giving a direct answer, so you sighed. “Alexander…” you tried to begin explaining, but he sat up seriously and began addressing your hesitation.

“You don’t have to worry about me leaving, because you know I never will, Y/N,” he coaxed you softly, and you clenched your eyes shut. It had taken you months to get over Alexander the last time you slept with him, and you hadn’t even gotten over him, you’d started a relationship with him.

You were sure you would regret it in the future, but present you won out. “Yeah okay,” you finally relented, and he offered you a genuine smile that made your insides flutter.

Gently wrapping you in his arms, he whispered again, “I won’t leave, Y/N.”

And you fought desperately to choke back the tears that were suddenly upon you.

Because how could you tell him that that was exactly what you were afraid of.

The first month passed quicker than you expected. Much to your dismay, Alexander and you had slipped into a rather comfortable routine.

But of course, how could it be an uncomfortable routine when you got to wake up beside him each and every morning.

What the two of you did together depended on a day to day basis. Some days you would spend hours out in the garden that was turning for the winter. Other days the two of you would stay holed up in the library from dawn to dusk. Every Wednesday he made a trip to the market to visit some friends while you planned for the upcoming ball.

Some days the both of you worked on CP details relentlessly, and he begged to hear you plan for getting a new leader for the sector, but you remained adamant. You kept insisting it was better for only you to know the plan so your mother wouldn’t see it coming. But some days you almost felt like he could tell there was more to it.

Like he could tell you didn’t want anyone, especially him, to see it coming.

But surprisingly, he usually let it go on the days you dedicated to planning for it.

Your favorite days, however, were the days you both sat at the piano and didn’t move for hours. You played the small collection of pieces you knew; Alexander played whatever you requested. As you were learning, Alexander had nearly every song you could imagine memorized. He claims piano was his solace after his mother died, and you held him a little tighter that day.

This day, however, was a special one, because Frederick had insisted to give you this Wednesday off, as you were ahead of planning than you usually were at this time of year. He was instead spending his time milling about the kitchen, which, if it were anyone else, you were sure Gertrude would kick him out immediately.

But you weren’t blind to the way your assistent and cook had grown on each other these past weeks as the only two in the manor. That was possibly the only reason you had relented and allowed Frederick to give you the time off.

So with your newly freed day, both you and Alexander agreed on a piano day.

“Can I- Can I play you something new?” he asked suddenly, as he finished a piece. You looked up at him curiously, as he’d never been shy about playing you anything before. Your head lay in his lap as he played above you, and gently, you smiled.

“I want to hear everything you have to play for me,” you confided. He passed you a grateful smile, but still looked unsure of himself.

Bringing one of his hands to scratch the back of his neck, his shifted anxiously, and you sat up and scooted right beside him, placing a comforting hand on his arm. “I- um- I wrote this song a few years ago,” he admitted bashfully. You shot him an encouraging smile and he let out a shaky breath as he met your eyes. “I just didn’t know then that I was writing it for you.”

You froze at his words and your eyes asked a million questions, but instead of answering any of them, his fingers began to gently glide across the keys. He began singing, his voice a little shaky, but you held on to every word. You began to tremble as you listened to the lyrics and realized he wrote this song for the girl he would fall in love with: you.

And that was terrifying in so many ways, but mainly because you’re falling in love with him as well.

There are so many things that are bound to go wrong with your relationship. He was engaged to your sister; you already used your Choice; your mother was a tyrannical witch who would tear you apart and have fun doing it the moment she found out.

But in this moment, none of those things seemed to be important. Because as he finished the song, and met your eyes nervously, you couldn’t find anything to say to him besides forcefully pulling him in for a kiss.

He was you weakness, and you knew that. But for this moment, you allowed yourself to be weak. For this moment, your weakness made you feel invincible.

“Are we interrupting something?”

Both of you shot apart and stared dumbfoundedly at the doorway, where Philip and Theodosia stood with incredibly unimpressed expressions.

Groaning and letting your face fall into your hand, you decided you would no longer kiss Alexander anywhere there wasn’t a padlock on the door.

This was going to be hard to explain your way out of.

[decidxeye]

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Anxiety claimed the tiger’s body as he gave Alba a far-off stare. His eyes lacked fire and instead adopted a frigid, yet lucid ice that made it hard for Keahi to think. Alba was one of the first people he thought about when the calamity of Groudon’s uprising hit. As fire claimed the azure skies and melted it into a conglomerate of Hades’ fire, Keahi felt a twinge of pain in his heart every moment he couldn’t find Alba. Even when younger Pokemon and senile folks offered him his thanks for his bravery, it had all meant so little. They were just… whispers. Whispers that were carried off in the wind, dissipating in the hellish fret of woe when regarding a childhood friend. Except Alba wasn’t his friend. Instead, they stood opposite to him as both a stranger and a hostile figure. The scars he left on Alba persisted more than the wake of any God’s wrath could, and it was apparent when Keahi averted his gaze with a turn of his head that he knew this. He knew that he hurt Alba with his selfishness in the past, and he knew that words alone wouldn’t be able to mend the pain Alba’s soul had to endure because of it.

Yet it was all he had. No fire, no strength, and no bravado. Just words and only the aching of his own heart.

“Listen…” Keahi started, only to the trail off and lose himself in memory. He could see them both atop a hill, young and petite and with nothing but hopes of the future in their beady little eyes. As the calming ocean crashed against the shore of the beach underneath them, they had everything in their lives before them. Nothing was impossible and everything was free– free to be shaped into whatever they wanted. Yet as Keahi forced himself to reposition their eyes in a sharp connected gaze, Keahi knew such a dream was dead now. Their lives held not that same spark anymore, and instead only carried with it the pains of the past that would tear new would open and old ones asunder.

“I remember when I… Hurt you.” Hurt wasn’t the word. Mauled, battered, eviscerated– all better words to describe the emotional pain he ran through Alba like a hot knife did butter. “I still remember when I said I… Didn’t need'ja. Or anyone, for that matter. I was an asshole ‘n I left 'n… I didn’t come back. I was famous 'n yu guys weren’t. Thought it made be better, or at least… Maybe I thought I would finally be as good as you. I know it ain’t an excuse, I know– but sometimes you were just…. better. At everything. You had more friends, you were smarter, and the only reason I could ever beat you iz 'cuz you’re a bit of a grass-type. 'N while you were off around just… bein’ you, I was still stuck behind in the dirt. So I think…”

He paused, his breathtaking the time to find itself. Alba deserved a better best friend than this. He deserved more than a past that only rested on that hill above the shoreline. He deserved to have had someone who stuck by him no matter what, revitalizing his blood whenever it went cold under the pressures of the word. But he didn’t. He had no one. Keahi was the only one that could have filled those shoes so early in his life and he betrayed him. A betrayal that was cold and dead, just like their friendship had been.

“I ain’t gonna ask for ya to forgive me. I ain’t fuckin’ stupid. I know you might not ever. 'N that’s fine. I understand. But I’m gonna try 'n show you I ain’t just a piece of shit! What happened yesterday was… Well, it just… I didn’t want to die without saying this to ya. I was too much of a bitch to say it outright, so there.”

The silence afterward killed him. It was so smothering that Keahi felt as though he could choke underneath it. He waited and waited for Alba to say something– or DO something– but nothing happened. He could feel those eyes press into him with the full force of a truck ramming into him, and he couldn’t take it anymore. He couldn’t take how no matter what, nothing was healing either scar that persisted in their heart.

“Well!? Say somethin’! Anythin’! I don’t care if you beat my ass or anythin’ just– don’t STAND there like that…!”

Forgiveness.

Had the Decidueye ever practiced such a concept in the span of his entire life?

No, not really.

A rival, was a rival, an enemy, was an enemy - and several of his peers that had now became troublemakers, creatures that classified themselves and defiant and that dared torment the innocent and frail that dwelled his forest...

They all knew this all too well - they knew how capable of forgiving Alba was, and the reminder came in the shape of a swift, non-hesitant defeat, or of a grim, overpowering DEATH. Some earned the first, others the latter - but in the end, DEAD or ALIVE, the results were all the same.

No amnesty.

No pardon.

NO FORGIVENESS.

He'd been tore asunder far too many times for him to portray and give out to the masses a trait like that; too merciful for his personality that now dared show a husk that covered his older, dreamy self - that self that once dreamt of greatness, of individual fame and reputation that came out of helping others and of doing what was right, all in the shape of a...

Of a...duo.

Two.

A pair.

A couple.

...So many shattered, broken dreams to collect from his past, and how the world becomes smaller each day, for before him, speaking endlessly and explaining facts and reasons and telling him how big of an idiot they are, stands another.

Another dead ideal.

...There is a difference, however, with the rest of his rivalries.

Keahi isn't just another rival, unfortunately for him, and for his doctrine. A long lost friend, a traitor. He'd had nothing, and in search of more - of something, the Incineroar had lost it all once more, stuck with the illusion of having it all before his eyes.

Fame, power, strength...

Yet, nothing.

Standing there before him, before the large, apologizing feline, stands a battered, ashen-covered Alba, who's just stumbled into his 'friend' with a couple smaller Pokémon rushing and scurrying past him, over to the sanctuary that stands not too far from where they currently stood.

He'd stare with those two, piercing optics of his, amber gaze fixated on the fire-type's for far too long. Long enough for Alba to not blame the other's sudden outburst. It's bound to be uncomfortable, and that is just the point of it.

Silence, before, at last, and to Keahi's relief, the Decidueye finally speaks, after coughing out dust and the powerful scent of fire.

"You are an idiot, Keahi."

Then more silence.

...Huh...?

"A forgiven idiot at that."

Then, a long, shaky sigh, as the Decidueye bows his head with flooding memories encasing the entirety of his subconscious. Painful memories, nostalgia, and resentment.

"...The day you were gone, that you told me that you were leaving, searching for something better... Even with what you said?

I was...not really mad at you, you know?

...

I was mad at myself, mad at myself for not being able to stop you - for not being ENOUGH to make you stay...

Everyone else hated you - said you were a selfish scumbag, that all you cared about was you and no one else....

But I?

I knew they were wrong, I knew that you simply wanted something much better, you wanted to be someone else, something. I knew that you meant no ill towards us. You just wished for something else.

...I thought so for months and months on end, despite what they all told me.

...Until...my parents were...

Gone...

Everyone abandoned me after that day, I became someone else - everyone hated me and feared me. I was a monster, a thief...

I was alone, with no one to hold me.

I thought that the blame was on you after that, that you hated me too - and that all they had said months before when you had left, was true.

You simply just didn't care - it made the most sense to me when struck with hurt.

And I would believe such until today.

You were a traitor after all - a traitor of my trust and forgiveness.

...Until now...

...Beneath that husk...you truly do care about everyone around you, don't you?

You haven't changed deep down even after all these years, have you, Keahi?

You're still the same person that once accompanied me to stand and dream with the long, mighty horizon before us, with a hill beneath our feet, and the colliding waves against our ground?

You're still the Keahi I know, aren't you...?"