#nosebleeds from epiphanies

[bylerbigbang]

nosebleeds from epiphanies (i took full in the face)

Fic by @wheelersboy | Art by @boycattj and @starsarefire824

Teen | 15k words

“I think you’d make a good priest,” Mike says, after a moment. His face is serious, but there’s an almost joyful sincerity in his eyes.

“Yeah?” Will asks, flattered.

“Yeah. You know how people say they can see God in someone?” Mike asks, and Will nods. “I can see God in you.”

or

Hawkins, Montana, June 1988. When Lonnie Byers catches his youngest son in the arms of another boy, he calls in that favor owed to him by rancher Jim Hopper in Lenora: Will must work as an unpaid ranch hand and learn to "man up." Mike Wheeler follows him to the creepy ranch with electrical problems, like any best friend would.

Warnings: Period-Typical Homophobia, Blood and Gore

Read on Ao3 | View Art (1) (2)

Read an excerpt below:

“Why did you come?” Will repeats. “You didn’t have to do that. I didn’t ask you to come. You could have stayed in Hawkins.”

Mike furrows his brows and juts his chin forward. “I wasn’t going to just let you go by yourself. Who knows…what would happen?”

Will pauses. “...What would happen…if you were in Hawkins alone?”

Mike looks up at him. Looks him straight in the eyes. “No. What would happen to me if you were here alone.”

Will shakes his head. “You would be fine. You would’ve managed, like you always do.”

“So what are you saying, that I shouldn’t have come?”

“That’s not what I’m saying and you know it.”

“Will…we can’t talk about that right now.”

“Well, when can we?”

“Will. Why?”

“Because I want to talk about it.” Will braces himself.

“Well, I should have said never. We can’t ever talk about this.” Mike scoots closer to Will. “This is one of those things, Will, that we’re not supposed to talk about.”

“Why, what’s going to happen?” Will challenges, suddenly feeling brave.

“We could—” Mike nearly shouts. He takes a breath, and then lowers his voice. “Someone could find out,” he says calmly. “People get beaten. People get sick, Will. They don’t…they’re not happy.”

“Mike, I can’t—some people can’t just…ignore it. I don’t think this is anything that will just go away. Pretending to be something else makes people unhappy, too.”

“Well, this sounds like a lose-lose situation. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t,” Mike says, resigned.

The wind howls through the valley, and Will clutches his hat to keep it from flying off.

“You don’t really think that, do you?” Will asks quietly. He doesn’t know what answer he’s hoping for.

Mike looks down at his hands, fidgets with his gloves. He swallows hard, clears his throat. “Father Frank said that if a man experiences any unholy…feelings…that he can’t suppress, then he should devote his life to God and join the priesthood.”

Will contemplates this response. “You really believe a man like that is…damned?”

“I don’t know what I believe anymore.” Mike removes his gloves and tosses them on the ground in front of him, hard.

Will watches Mike’s face as he blinks slowly, his mouth twisted in distress. He so badly wants to believe Mike is wrong, that there is a way they could be happy—whether that’s together or on their own. Deep down, they both know Father Frank is right. Damned to hell for following his heart. Condemned to a lonely life as a priest if he follows the Bible. He chuckles, in spite of himself.

“What?” Mike questions, clearly thrown off by Will’s reaction.

“Oh, nothing, it’s just—” Will laughs again. “I can’t imagine you being a priest.”

Mike raises his eyebrows. The corners of his mouth twitch. “That’d be terrible, I think.”

“Terrible for you? Or for the Church?”

Mike bites his lip. “Both,” he admits.

They share a laugh. It feels good.

“I think you’d make a good priest,” Mike says, after a moment. His face is serious, but there’s an almost joyful sincerity in his eyes.

“Yeah?” Will asks, flattered.

“Yeah. You know how people say they can see God in someone?”

Mike asks. Will nods. “I can see God in you.”

Read more on Ao3 >

[starsarefire824]

Fic Recs

In honor of things being shitty in the tag right now and everyone in their depression era, I'm offering a few fic recs in these trying times. Hope you discover something new, friends. 🖤

the comforts that make us feel numb by passerine_in_jade.

“No, but really. If I were a girl,” Mike presses on, looking up at Will with red-rimmed eyes through dark lashes. Leaning in. Somehow, fully unaware that this line of questioning has Will's heart climbing up to his throat. “Would you want to kiss me?”

or, Will and Mike get high in the desert.

Well written, almost dreamy quality to it. Author to watch for me! Can't believe I only just discovered their writing.

A Wish For Something More by @waroftheposes

Seven year old Will didn't have a problem with kissing his best friend on a dare. Seventeen year old Will, however, would not do it if someone held his hand over a fire.

Or: Truth or dare at seven and truth or dare at seventeen.

They're silly and sweet and oh so confused. The writing is lovely as well. Great if you're in the mood for fluff.

On the Same Frequency by @oldfashionedmorphine

Ever since his best friend Will Byers was murdered back in 1985, Mike Wheeler wanted nothing more than to leave his hometown of Hawkins, Indiana and never look back—only each and every year he’s forced to make an exception when it comes to the holidays. And when Mike visits for Christmas in 1995, his mom asks him to help clear out some junk in his room and down in the basement before he returns home to Indianapolis. But when he comes across an old trunk containing his Supercom walkie-talkie and ham radio, he discovers something strange that has the potential to change everything…

(or an AU inspired by the movie “Frequency” from 2000)

I'm only just starting this, but Frequency au?? Hell yes.

Fleeting by olliecoddle. @souverian-are-we

Mike liked Will’s art shows, albeit slightly less the higher class they had gotten. Little paintings in the corner of a cafe morphed into white walls and rich spectators poised with champagne and well-mannered criticism. Still, he had been looking forward to it. He wanted to go. But now, walking up to the glass doors, he had to admit he felt jittery.

or, Will's new paintings are a little too personal

This is one of my absolute favorites ever. The writing of course, it's ollie. But the descriptions, the entire buildup of Mike's reaction in the art gallery, the content of the painting? The entire concept is beautiful. And be sure to look up the painting Will's was inspired by. It will tell you everything.

any semblance of touch by anonymous.

“Nothing,” Will says, right into Mike’s ear. “Still feeling good?”

So good. Mike makes sure to not say it aloud this time. “I think,” Mike says slowly, heart pounding, “I need” — Will pulls back just a little, just enough for their noses to bump against each other, clumsy, and Mike bites the bullet — “one more.”

Will is still in Mike’s lap, which is maybe not very platonic of him, and the joint has smoldered its way down to the end, nearly over, all eaten up by the fire. Will swallows thickly, then leans closer, a perfect imitation of their positions from earlier. Mike isn’t sure how long it’s been, but fire has been eating away at him too, this whole time, leaving him on the brink of going up in smoke, slow and burning and so good.“Yeah?” Will murmurs, realization dawning on him, eyes wide. “One more?”

or: Mike’s still new to this whole smoking thing. Will has a few ideas.

Utterly depressing this is anonymous because the writing is phenomenal. So alive and vivid. Not sure where this fic was hiding, but I'm glad I found it. Highlights: Mike’s inner dialogue, the playfulness between them, the lowered inhibitions finally letting them relax into the moment.

nosebleeds from epiphanies (i took full in the face) by wheelersboy @karenchildress.

Hawkins, Montana, June 1988. When Lonnie Byers catches his youngest son in the arms of another boy, he calls in that favor owed to him by rancher Jim Hopper in Lenora: Will must work as an unpaid ranch hand and learn to "man up." Mike Wheeler follows him to the creepy ranch with electrical problems, like any best friend would.

jo's writing is always fantastic. he has such a unique voice and mike's struggle in this just does things for me.

When The Sun Runs Out by olliecoddle @souverian-are-we

On a dreary day in March, 1989 the population of Hawkins, Indiana dropped to four. Will Byers watched as the final family left, the bed of their truck packed to the brim and tied down with a tarp. Furniture stuck out at odd angles, and the corner flap flailed in the breeze as they turned onto the highway. Will followed the vehicle with his eyes until it disappeared as a dot on the long stretch of pavement. Then, he got in his car and went home.

Or, Will is burning out, and Mike is mesmerized by the flame.

This was sexy as hell and all I'm gonna say is tattoos. I really enjoyed this little rougher around the edges, let down by life, closed off Will after being left in Hawkins alone with El, Hopper, and Joyce to wait for the end of the world that never seems to come.

dirty rain by henrycreel

mike wheeler is an average alpha teenage boy working on keeping tight control of his raging hormones in the wake of being seventeen years old, unmated, and a virgin who's never spent his rut with anyone before. when one of his teachers makes an innocent request of him, he finds himself spiraling almost right away. the omega sitting next to him in class is going to be his omega one way or another even if it means employing some traditional and unconventional means to show him who he belongs to.

will byers is an omega with a tendency toward anxiety and outright fear, marked by years of abuse at the hands of his father. high school should be a chance to open a new chapter for himself, but he only truly finds comfort sitting next to mike, an alpha whose presence seems to keep the usual mocking and bullying at bay. but when mike starts to cross the line from friendly classmate into so much more, will has no time to decide if he's ready to move on to a relationship of his own, to finding a mate to settle down with like his big brother already has.

mike is making the decision for both of them.

A solid Omegaverse fic! <3

[piedelune]

From The Depths | ממעמקים

Chapter 4: Black Rain

Authors: @verfalne & @piedelune

Fandom: Pacific Rim

Relationships: Hermann Gottlieb x Newton Geiszler

Rating: Mature

Chapter Summary: A series of shocking discoveries leave Hermann reeling, unsure if the man he thought he knew still existed, or ever had. Left to lick his wounds, Hermann finds unexpected comfort in old friends, and Newt has an epiphany that could change everything.

Excerpt:

Why hadn't Hermann just let him talk about the fucking kiss that day? Why had he waited until it was already too late?! Why couldn’t he have just spit it out!?  but what about me?! He was sure Hermann had feelings for him. But with each day, Newt's grip on reality weakened. The headaches grew worse, the nosebleeds more common, and the craving was eating him alive— why couldn't i just fucking control myself for once?! why do I give in to every stupid fucking impulse—why didn't I fight harder?! what the fuck is wrong with me?! god, why did I do this?!  The mantra of self-hatred spiralled, tightening around his frenzied mind like a noose.  useless, stupid, fucking idiot. broken piece of shit. I'm the worst, the fucking worst, just fucking— —give up!!! Something… snapped. A fragile line somewhere deep in his psyche gave way.  It was like the floor had dropped out from beneath him, and he was falling into something vast and dark and endless, the red haze fading into emptiness.  For several glorious seconds, Newton Geiszler felt absolutely nothing at all. His racing heart slowed.  In the quiet of that bottomless void, he heard something—or felt it.  Not a voice, but an idea.  A whisper.  A push. And as soon as he accepted it, the pain inside his head receded, peeling away like the tide pulling from the shore. The relief was immediate. Consuming. It washed through him in a cool wave, leaving behind a strange, heavy stillness.  “…Oh,” he gently sighed. 

☣️🌊 READ IT HERE ON AO3! 🌊☣️

[shit-talk-turner]

"What a place for both the opposite sides of my double life to finally collide / Sharing secrets I was taking to the grave / Nosebleeds from epiphanies I took full in the face"

whenever I listen to this I think of Taylor and Louise getting into a fight and Alex trying to stop them lmao

lmao this mod too

[dramatiique]

(Heavily headcanon based.)

Ui-myeong didn’t live a normal childhood by any means. His father, Sung-ha, was a drug addict and criminal who beat him and his mother, Heejin. He also sold his son’s belongings when he needed drug money, mentally abused him, and told him every day that he wished he were dead. His mother did nothing to protect him or herself, saying that Ui-myeong should just behave and that his father was the reason they had a roof over their heads, despite him only being able to afford it because of his connections to crime.

Ui-myeong resented his parents.

At school, he did well in his studies because he wanted to achieve something with his life. He was top of the class but was an outcast among his peers, which made him a target for bullies. His teachers didn’t step in to help, even after he tried to confide in them. They told him to take measures to avoid the bullies as if it as his fault for being near them in the first place. Dealing with school on top of the abuse at home only served in cultivating his hatred that he buried deep until it rooted itself in his heart.

Ui-myeong resented his peers and his teachers.

Before graduating high school, when he was eighteen, he was forced to work at a gang-owned bar (the gang Sung-ha is part of) because they needed a new staff member after one of theirs was arrested. Ui-myeong had no choice but to agree because disagreeing just wasn’t an option. He was surrounded by his dad’s scummy friends night after night and was their personal punching bag, often berated and made fun of, and just treated badly in general.

The gang's leader took things a step further. He would harass and assault Ui-myeong sexually. When Ui-myeong once asked why he was doing such things, he simply replied that he was bored and that it was for his own amusement. The other gang members all knew what was happening (including his father) but it didn’t matter to them - they were too busy with their own duties within the gang to care. When around the gang, and the gang leader in particular, Sung-ha was reduced to a slimy bootlicker, who wanted to please those higher than him.

Ui-myeong resented the gang and its leader.

His dreams of going to university to study chemistry were ruined after his father refused to pay for him. It wasn’t like he was being paid at the bar job, either, so he couldn’t exactly do it on his own. This caused Ui-myeong to steal wherever he could. Between the ages of eighteen and twenty, Ui-myeong did whatever he could to survive. Somewhere along the way, due to the trauma he has experienced from all aspects of his life, Ui-myeong’s mental health declined. It led him to becoming detached from himself and his emotions — the things and people around him sometimes became distorted. 

One day, as his father lay in a drugged out state in the living room and his mother was out, Ui-myeong finally snapped. Finding one of his syringes that his father carelessly left out in the open, Ui-myeong stabbed it into his father's arm and injected him with more heroin, hoping to force an overdose. It worked and he soon left the house after packing some belongings.

While on the run, he experienced bad nosebleeds, fainting spells, and hallucinations. Something dark gradually took over him, trying to force him to succumb to his desires. However, he was able to control the monster within him, allowing him to be conscious of his actions and do what he wants, even when the monster is present.

In the chaos that followed citizens turning into monsters, Ui-myeong volunteered to be analyzed by government scientists after revealing that he was infected. He thought it would help figure out what the monster (he thought it was a disease at the time) inside him was and why he could control it better than others he’d seen. They tried everything to separate it from his body (freezing, thawing, sawing, piercing, and scorching) but after the monster inside continuously killed the scientists, Ui-myeong had an epiphany - the monster isn't able to be separated from his body because the monster is him.

During one of the experiments, his body was broken down and unable to continue functioning but his abilities made it possible for him to transfer his consciousness to the corpse of one of the scientists that he'd killed earlier; it becomes his new body. This is when he realized that this new state is an evolution and that he was chosen, that humans have failed to be selected by nature, and that he is above them. He also believes that humans and monsters cannot co-exist.

Ui-myeong resented the scientists who experimented on him.

He escaped the facility and went on the hunt for other “Special Infectees”. On his search, he arrived at a chapel. The survivors welcomed him inside, thinking he was just a young man in need of help. After spending some time with them (and subtly trying to convince some to join his revolution), Ui-myeong watched as the stress of the monster apocalypse made them turn on each other. As they killed each other, this further reinforced Ui-myeong's opinions on humans being weak.

He was the sole survivor of the attack, easily dispatching those who were left at the end. Only a few hours later, he was found by the group of mercenaries led by Shin Jung-seop. He joined their gang just to disguise himself from the ever-growing military presence, pretending to be just like them…

The rest of the story can be found HERE.

A brief summary of Ui-myeong including his personality can be found HERE.

First FC is Kim Sunoo (Before he transfers his consciousness) Second FC is Kim Sung-Cheol (Sweet Home look) Third FC is Hur Hyunjun (his permanent one after leaving Wook’s body)

[insectbitch]

every time i come on here to make a post about anyways i give myself an aneurysm because i can’t pick one line to freak out about EVERY SINGLE WORD OF THAT FUCKING SONG MAKES ME YELL

[bylerbigbang]

2023 Byler Big Bang Fics & Art Masterpost

Now that December is here, that's a wrap on the 2023 Byler Big Bang! We welcomed 22 fics and even more art into the fandom over October and November, and now we want to celebrate everyone's hard work one more time with this masterpost of all the fics and art links completed for the challenge. A huge thanks to everyone who took part or otherwise supported the fics and art of the creators!

We will be back in summer 2024 with info about next year's event.

[The full fic collection on Ao3]

Masterposts here on Tumblr with fics + art:

Second Chances and Dances

remember to remember me

Theatre and Pom Poms

a swingset stuck in amber

Teal Streaked Ribbons

in the springtime, in the sun (we can be alone without anyone)

it's nice to have a friend

What a Time to Be Alive

under the stars with you

Ain’t it enough that I'm laying my heart out?

Through A Dark Glass, Wanting

nosebleeds from epiphanies (i took full in the face)

Autumn Leaves

this must be the place

And the Wonder of it All is That You Just Don’t Realize How Much I Love You

Lips Like Sugar

never did shine as bright

afterimage

On the Same Frequency

At the Time of Sight

ai! ai! (fūnestaque littera ducta est)

Sick of Meaning (I just want to hold you)

[disco-lizard]

very This.. it's eerie GHKJFDSHJKGS

even the lyrics have been giving me chills lately.. i always liked this song but i just had a Moment today.. "oversharing and its bitter aftertaste / exactly the wrong time in exactly the wrong place" and "nosebleeds from epiphanies I took full in the face" ... alex wtf

it just hit me today why the cover art for am’s “anyways” makes me feel a weird way i could never explain.. the room alex is in looks nearly identical to a room that’s been a recurring setting in my dreams for YEARS

[azar-rosethorn]

Rottmnt Incorrect Quotes 2

--

Mikey: I like wearing oversized sweaters. Not just because they're extremely comfy and cuddly, but because whenever the sleeves are really big, I get to flop them around and smack people.

--

Casey Sr: I hope no one lowkey hates me.

Casey Sr: Highkey hate me. Hate me with every fiber of your being.

Casey Sr: Go big or go home.

--

Leo: But when all hope seemed lost, I had an epiphany!

Leo, earlier: I'm going to throw myself into the sea.

--

Draxum, working at McDonald's: Sorry sir, we don't serve a McFuck here, so either you throw that one slice of pickle out or we're gonna have a McProblem.

--

April: What do you call disobeying the law?

The Mad Dogz: A hobby.

April: *crosses her arms*

The Mad Dogz: That we do not engage in.

--

Mikey: I have met some of the most insufferable people. But they also met me.

--

Casey Jr: My expectations were low but holy fuck.

--

Mikey: Not to be nsfw but I want someone to hold me while I sleep.

--

Leo: I tried to write ‘I'm a functional adult’ but my phone changed it to ‘fictional adult’ and i feel like that’s more accurate.

--

April: Assert your dominance over your friends by kicking them in the face, and then giving them a little smooch on the forehead!

--

Donnie, tearing up the room: Where are they?

Donnie, looking under a pillow: Who moved them? Who moved my children?

Donnie: Somebody moved my M&M's, and now I am going to start killing.

--

Splinter: The only thing keeping me from running away and hiding from society for the rest of my life is spite. I could disappear forever, but there are some bitches whose downfalls I have yet to witness, and I wanna be around when that happens.

--

Donnie: Sometimes I wonder if I’m hearing voices.

Donnie: Then I remember that’s the last bit of sanity I have trying to get me to fall asleep at a reasonable time.

--

Casey Sr, after having a nosebleed: Welp. Time to wash the blood off my hands.

--

Leo: If I'm extra sarcastic with you it probably means I'm flirting with you or you really annoy me and I can't handle your crap... have fun figuring out which one.

[afriendcalledarchie]

Sticks and stones might break my bones but words like “Still got pictures of friends on the wall, I suppose we aren’t really friends anymore” and “Nosebleeds from epiphanies I took full in the face/ Oversharing and its bitter aftertaste” and “You’re just sounding it out, but you’re not coming back again” will destroy me and wreck every bit of self composure I’ve got left.

[yellowloid]

I have a theory about Mr Schwartz:

Mr Schwartz is James Ford, the one who's been working with the band and supporting through all of their career, holding the crew and everyone together. Plus, he's worked with Alex and Miles on their tlsp albums. Miles could be the 'you' as they put out two albums together and are now wondering whether or not they could make a third one, the 'third chance'

hi anon! that is a very interesting theory you've got there. it would indeed be very interesting on alex's part (and also kinda cute of him) to dedicate a song to someone who's been such a constant presence in his career. i think the part about miles being the 'you' he's talking to really fits, along with the part about them having put out two albums and considering trying for another baby, as alex would say. that gives me hope for tlsp3 so i'm glad you put this interpretation in my inbox skfhsfhhs

however, let me add my two cents on what this song could possibly be about. obviously this is just my opinion + we have to wait and see how the song fits with the others once the album is out + we'll never really know, and that's okay. this is just some good old fan analysis.

i'm gonna be basic and say i think mr. schwartz is alex. the song itself gives me strong the bourne identity + anyways vibes, and i think it might also be directly connected to body paint. i find it very interesting that they decided to debut these two songs together, and maybe there's a reason why they did it.

i'm gonna talk specifically about anyways, mr. schwartz and body paint, since i feel like tbi goes even deeper and towards other directions and i'd end up writing an essay on it alone.

these three songs seem to share a common idea - that is, awareness of one's own façades, and the way in which said façades are slowly but surely crumbling down.

first of all we have anyways, which i think along with the ultracheese can be considered the prequel to what we're gonna get once the album is out. lots and lots of self-reflection - influenced by the pandemic? - and an eerie feeling of loneliness, a cryptic stillness that is captured perfectly by the car's album cover.

now let's compare these verses from anyways, body paint and mr. schwartz respectively:

"what a place for both the opposite sides of my double life to finally collide / sharing secrets i was taking to the grave / nosebleeds from epiphanies i took full in the face"

"for a master of deception and subterfuge / you made yourself quite the bed to lie in / [...] and I'm keeping on my costume"

"and if we guess who i'm pretending to be / do we get a prize?"

the anyways verse is all about epiphanies: it's him coming to terms with the fact that he's been keeping up a façade, two different lives he's been living, accepting it as a reality and even introducing himself to the listeners - who already know him, but he's doing it again ("you can call me alexander, it's nice to meet you all"), because the song is all about him finally putting on paper what he's slowly been realising. he takes it into account, and goes on with it.

then we get to the car.

the tracklist isn't organised at random. i'm convinced that mirrorball opens and perfect sense closes it for very specific reasons. nothing is left to chance. the album is all about self-reflection and discovery, and maybe, just maybe, getting to the end having finally sorted things out. having them make perfect sense for the very first time. (however, we'll see once we get to hear the full album)

so, it's not accidental that body paint comes before mr. schwartz (respectively track 5 and 9). in both songs, there are two yous he's talking to - one is himself (and he alternates it with the 1st person pronoun), while the other one is this mysterious other person, maybe a lover, maybe a friend, maybe just a hypothetical listener. (obviously i'm a milex demon so you already know who i'm thinking about, but i'm not gonna analyze it through the milex lens rn so let's not derail. maybe if someone's interested i could do it)

both songs are self-deprecating, but in slightly different ways. body paint is about being aware of those façades, of how good he really is at keeping them up ("master of deception and subterfuge"); how not being able - or not being allowed - to be his true self makes him miserable ("you made yourself quite the bed to lie in"). but at the same time, as he says in mr. schwartz, "there's not one god damn thing that you can do about this". he can't do anything to change this situation. it's an impasse. he's stuck.

however, after all this reflection on his part, the two songs get to very different conclusions.

in body paint, he's "keeping on [his] costume". he's choosing to deny this reality, going on and pretending everything's fine because it's easier that way. there's a bitter taste to it, but he still chooses to keep going down that path.

on the contrary, although the ending is quite ominous, in mr. schwartz there's this verse:

"having attempted twice, both incorrectly / do we get a third try?"

there's this feeling of uncertainty, of skepticism when being faced with the opportunity to try again and let go of all his façades. he's not even sure that opportunity is there.

but the fact that he's asking whether there is, indeed, a possibility to try yet again - it tells us he's willing to do it, and he might as well give himself a chance.

after all, he said it himself in the bourne identity: "i'm the mystery man that's been unmasked". perfect sense will close the album, and maybe by then he'll finally be able to let go of his mask.

[swinging-stars-from-satellites]

ALSO!!! Kaiju bros, Jaeger pilots au. (Either my au or your take on them being Jaeger pilots?? 👀)

vague idea for like... pretty immediately after their serious accident that you mentioned in your AU, mayhaps

---

Hermann is- not worried, per se, more just lightly concerned. Perhaps a little anxious, though he's not sure if that buzzing, restless sensation is his own or Newton's ghost drift from the other side of the Shatterdome. He's not been sleeping well, and he knows it isn't from lack of desire to on his own part. No, that certainly must belong to Newton.

This is how Hermann finds himself striding — or, well, hobbling, as it is, now, finding balance while leaning on a cane and thinking he's lucky to be cleared to return to piloting ever, let alone in as little as six weeks — towards the medical bay at three in the morning, well after most PPDC personnel have retreated to their bunks.

Perhaps, he thinks, almost hoping, it's nightmares. A natural trauma response and one that they are equipped to work through. If it were so, though, it's more than likely that the memories would have appeared in Hermann's own dreams. He almost wishes they had; wishes he had that knowledge of what his drift partner had gone through on his behalf. He's not sure if the knowing would increase or ease his own feelings of guilt. He still wants to know.

Newton is sitting up in the narrow infirmary bed, bent over a notebook with his glasses perched precariously on the very edge of his nose and a gel-ink pen held equally precariously in one hand. Newton, Hermann knows, has always been ambidextrous; it's a trait that has on occasion passed between them following the drift. Today, or tonight, rather, the pen is held in his right hand, left palm flat against the notebook as if to steady it. Both hands are shaking viciously, visible even from the door.

It's a side effect of the neural overload, one the doctors say will pass given time, along with the recurring nosebleeds and dizzy spells. For now, Newton is trapped in both the infirmary and his own frustration. Even without the connection of their drift bond, said frustration would be palpable in the air, thick enough to cut through.

Hermann clears his throat. "Newton."

"Hey, Hermann," Newton greets, too casually. Of course he's aware of Hermann's presence, just not acknowledging it except through the blip of recognition and, dare Hermann risk naming it, affection through the ghost of a currently unused drift bond. "What's up?"

He asks like it's the middle of a normal day, as if nothing has happened and everything is as it should be. As if his hands aren't shaking too hard to allow him to write down whatever epiphany had kept him awake; as if Hermann's aren't beginning to shake in sympathy or longing for a solution or or or-

"Breathe," says Newton, suddenly lifting his head to look at Hermann. Hermann breathes. "You good?" Newton blinks at him, eyes bloodshot behind the frames of his glasses, but gaze clear and more curious than actively concerned.

Hermann scoffs. "I came to ask you the same thing," he admits. Then, as an added explanation although it's not really needed, "Ghost drift."

"Oh. Sorry, I guess I was keeping you up?" Newton frowns, slaps his notebook closed and lets the pen fall from his grasp. "I'm fine," he says, which is almost surely a lie.

"Would you-" Hermann hesitates. "Would you like me to write down whatever it was you were thinking of?"

Newton stares at him. "I mean... you'd do that for me?"

"Of course," replies Hermann before he can feel uncomfortable about it. "May I?" He takes a step toward the bed.

Newt grins. "Yeah, s- sure, come on, man!" He holds out the notepad in shaking hands as Hermann carefully takes a seat on the mattress. "So I was thinking of this new strategy-"

It's after three in the morning. They both should be sleeping, but aren't. But. Across the quiet drift connection between them, tonight there is peace.

[insectbitch]

i am once again thinking about nosebleeds from epiphanies i took full in the face

[ladybirdwithoutdots]

why Emma 2020 changed the proposal scene a bit?

I understand why some book fans don't like Emma bringing up Harriet in the proposal scene because, yes, in the book she thinks keeping Harriet’s embarrassing secret is the only thing she can still do for her friend. I get it doesn’t seem so canon compliant for her to tell him there; pointing that up is valid because you are just noticing a major difference between the book and the movie, and it might even seem contradictory for Emma’s character that she does the very thing that in the book she doesn’t want to do for a valid reason. However, I also understand why the movie makes this choice, and I think this is a case in point of what it means 'adaptation' and a creative team having to reconcile with the big differences between a movie and a book when it comes to storytelling and story structure. One major difference between a book and a movie is that in a movie, they show what happens in the story from an outside perspective where canon is limited to and defined as, essentially, only what the characters make you see, and what they explicitly say. If something doesn’t happen on screen then it isn’t real in the story.   A novel, on the other hand, tells a story from an inside perspective and is allowed, through a narrator (the author or the protagonist or another character) to make the reader actually know more than the characters in the story may know in that moment. The problem with a movie adaptation of this book in particular is that you can't read Emma's thoughts in a movie, and a lot of things about this book are based on her thoughts and a ‘narrator’ who can help you understand the motives of the character beyond what the character is explicitly telling others in that moment. That’s why, among other things, this movie chooses to make Emma’s feelings for Mr Knigthley obvious (on her face, in her reactions, in her jealousy) for us from the beginning, and regardless when she realizes them herself, instead of reducing it all only to the scene where Harriet confesses loving him herself, and Emma realizes her own feelings for him through the obligatory explanation scene with flashbacks, voiceovers or an added conversation between her and another character (though you could say that the added moment here where Harriet realizes, and thus says that Emma loves Mr Knightley too might serve that same function still).

I think that with the infamous proposal scene and its on screen adaptations, there are, surprisingly, two ‘issues’ a creative team may face:

1) The first issue is that, in the book, Emma is torn between her relief and joy that Knightley loves her back, and her anguish about Harriet for she doesn't know how she is going to face her and tell her that the guy loves her..and that she loves him back.  She takes her time and actively avoids Harriet because she feels guilty and that, for a time, ruins her own happiness a bit.

Given how many things still happen in the book between Mr Knightley’s proposal and the wedding, and the fact it’s near impossible for the creative team to put everything in a movie, if you only see Emma being happy about his declaration of love there (as if she doesn’t know Harriet wants him too) and then them getting married, it might seem like almost erasing her feelings from the novel a bit and make it seems she doesn't feel guilty about Harriet, or doesn’t care about her being in love with Mr Knightley too. That would go against her character growth a bit for she'd look, once again, selfish and lacking empathy and critical thinking about herself.

Of course, if you read the book you also know that she does think harsh things about Harriet after the latter tells her that she loves Mr Knightley (and she thinks he wants her too). Emma regrets including her in her circle, she thinks she has turned her into arrogant, vain girl for thinking Mr Knightley would really marry someone like her. However, all of that isn’t mutually exclusive with the fact she also matures, she does see her own responsibilities and arrogance and she blames herself for Harriet’s inevitable humiliation (the second!).

Too long don’t read: book Emma cannot be indifferent about the fact Harriet wants Mr Knightley too, and she isn’t.

In light of that, it’s easy to see why Autumn de Wilde changed things a bit in the movie and, in a way, tried to still insert that part of Emma’s thoughts from the book that would be very hard to include without a narrator’s voice. It’s also a change consistent with their own version and the fact they try to make Emma a better friend in the end ...

Emma really kind of gets everything she wants in the end, and we thought a lot about watching the movie after she behaves so badly and has this epiphany and she’s totally different now,” de Wilde said. “We really felt like we would not be able to enjoy it unless we saw Harriet transformed by their rift.” The solution: pushing Emma to actively make things right with Harriet and her best suitor before Emma can accept a much-desired proposal of her own.

Indeed, you could say that Emma gets it easier in the book than in the movie because in the novel everything works in her favor without her having to face Harriet and make any personal effort to help her.

This movie, instead, wanted Emma to really earn her happy end a bit more, and called her out on her faults in the funniest way possible during the proposal scene, well emphasizing her state of mind and conflict through the infamous nosebleed, that also ruins her perfect, poised appearance symbolizing her humanity and the fact that no matter how much she tries, she can’t keep a false control of everything and always be ‘perfect’ (and the beauty of that metaphor also lies in the fact that Knightley isn’t one bit grossed by what is happening, he still tenderly touches her face, he’s all love and concern for her. He’s the one person who always loved her with her imperfections too, he won’t love her less just because she’s human).

By making Emma reveal Harriet’s mess to Mr Knightley in that moment, not only you have a version of the events that is consistent to this movie, you also have an Emma that, in some way, is still consistent to the Emma you also read in the book, albeit just in her thoughts. It also emphasizes Emma's character growth all the more.

For sure, I agree with de Wilde about that. That said, if I want to play devil's advocate here I have to say that while Emma gets it easier in the book, their version kind of erases Harriet/Robert’s agency a bit for I prefer them finding their way back to each other (in the book) without any interference. I also maintain their ‘let’s do better for poor victim Harriet’ myopia results in them not really making Harriet act as a real friend for Emma, not even in the end, leaving their relationship very unbalanced simply because they didn’t realize that their Harriet, even more than her book counterpart, was wrong too and she too had to make amends and apologize for her own blindness about Emma’s feelings, and her selfishness and uncalled for anger when she realized Emma loved the same guy she wanted for herself. This is what happens when you have critical thinking about your main character, but not so much about the secondary ones; creative teams often forget that just because someone is the protagonist (and they get the happy end) and they may be wrong about something, it doesn’t mean they are wrong about everything.  I honestly feel really bad for Emma in that ‘I refused Robert Martin because of you’ scene in the movie because it really is the one moment where she is doing nothing wrong, and Harriet has no right making her feel like she’s the bad guy for loving a guy she had know since forever just because her ‘friend’ had decided she wanted him and deluded herself he wanted her too. If that scene is supposed to make me feel bad for Harriet they failed because it makes me find her annoying.  Maybe it’s personal experiences too for I well know what it means when you think you have a friend, but in reality that person doesn’t care about your feelings much, and just takes for granted that your purpose and your focus is just helping them. 

2) Another issue writers might find in adapting the confession scene from the book to a movie version is Mr Knightley's agency too.

Here’s the thing: her behavior in that scene is confusing to Mr Knightley for, in one moment she seems to not even want him to propose to her, but the next he understands that she loves him back. The poor man despaired, his heart broke when she seemed to reject him.

Austen, in her function of narrator, acknowledges this inconsistency in the book and she's like, yeah it must be very confusing for the guy but people rarely tell the whole truth to each other all the time and he's too happy in the end to ask himself why Emma acted so weird with him, and what matters the most is that he knows she loves him back and they can be finally together.

Still, he’s going to be all the more confused when, later, he tells her that Harriet has accepted Robert’s second proposal and where he expected Emma to be unhappy, given her oppositions to the guy before, he’s very surprised by her 180° and happiness for Harriet instead. He even says that.

Once again, I think if you are adapting the story for a movie where you don't have a narrator’s voice keeping the balance a bit and explaining what the characters can’t explain, it might seem like making this part of the story a bit unresolved for him (and him and Emma). It might not seem fully satisfying that he doesn't get an explanation and their misuranderstanding isn’t fully cleared up.

This movie resolves that by having Emma confess him that, basically, her confusing behavior was because she was scared he wanted to propose to another woman (because she loves him but she didn’t think it’s her he actually loved!), and then when he tells her that it's her he loves, she reciprocates but is also overwhelmed because there is still the issue of Harriet and it ruins her party in that moment because new Emma cannot be indifferent.

This Knightley can make sense of her behavior much better than in the book  and if he's still so happy in the end, it’s because he understands that Emma didn’t reject him for she actually loves him back, and in this version she needs to make amends with Harriet and Robert Martin before she can accept her own happy end. 

I also like what the director said about this scene, especially this point:

“I wanted to make that scene so romantic, and then just turn it on its head, because to say just like, they’re not perfect, they’re both just like a hot mess, and seeing Mr Knightley and Emma panic and try and solve a problem together is just as romantic as the proposal” 

you know what? I agree with her.

Let's be honest, btw, Emma trusts him. Book or movie, this is a fact. She may not tell him about Harriet there but I think even in the book’s canon, it’s not so impossible to imagine that one day, when it’s safe for her to because Harriet is happy with Robert etc, she may tell him the whole story to explain her behavior to him a bit more... and have a good laugh together about the absurdity of it all.

I shouldn’t need to say this but yeah, an adaptation doesn't 'replace' the book said adaptation is based on. It's not like this is the definitive story now. I just have no real issues with changes if there are reasons for them and they make sense with a particular version, and I don’t have issues with adaptations trying to find ways to include even those things that might actually be in the book too, but they seem impossible to convey in a movie. All things considered, this movie actually is one of the most faithful to the book and historically accurate adaptations of Austen ever made. When I watched it the first time, having read the book many times, I was really surprised by how much of the book’s text is included in this version and not really modernized or altered.

I maintain that this version of the proposal scene is as ‘valid’ as the others too. Given Austen doesn't write Emma's answer in that scene (you only know she makes him undestand in some way that she loves him back  and they agree to marry), it's fair to point up that all the adaptations had to create that part on their own to fill where novel doesn't tell you every detail (same thing with the dancing scene: Austen puts the proverbial fade to black there, and whether Emma and Knightley were overwhelmed by dancing together in the book, it is their business just like their honeymoon, or whether they make out during their  engagement...). Emma kissing him right there and then like it happens in other adaptations isn't a more likely scenario for a lady in regency era’s context than her getting a spontaneous nosebleed, just saying.  If anything, Austen’s depiction of her female characters was influenced by the fact that, at the time, while a man could be explicit and very emotional when declaring his feelings for  a woman, a lady had to keep her cool and couldn't tell a guy she loved him so men had to understand a woman recipricated them through their own subtle messages and codes. This isn't to say other adaptations are wrong for making them kiss there, and for adding more romance to that particular scene (just like it isn’t wrong for this adaptation to make the dance scene and what happens afterwards more emotionally charged than it usually is, and choose to also emphasize Emma’s own feelings for him a bit more), but it isn’t wrong for this adaptation to do something different and place a kiss in the other romantic scene instead (when he tells her he'll move to Hartfield) so that the romance isn’t resolved in his confession scene only.  Expecting all adaptations to be the same and interpret things in the same way means making things a tad too formulaic, tbh. And I don’t know why I should even want that. Personally, I like every version of that scene makes sense with their own adaptation, I don’t consider it a ‘flaw’ but a good thing.

I find it annoying when people reduce the love scene in this movie to the funny nosebleed thing only, anyway.  It seems like misrepresenting it a bit to pretend this adaptation is just silly things when it really isn’t like that (and even the nosebleed actually has a purpose for the director that is NOT ‘silly’ tbh).  Regardless the fact I actually like the whole scene including the funny twist in the end too, it’s still a romantic moment and his speech is actually delivered in a way that is very moving to me because Johnny Flynn makes the feelings of the character come across as so real on screen, and you can also see on Anya’s face (they are both crying!) all the confusion and love and amazement. I honestly have no complains about how the part that is written in the book, his speech, is delivered here because it’s really well done and the acting is on point. I really love the way they conveyed all the emotions on screen and I even felt like they conveyed some things about him better than previous versions.

[path-of-my-childhood]

Swift retreated to a country cabin to create a lockdown album full of imagined characters, dark musings and intimate moments, deepened by a new richness to her singing.

We’ve all thought it this year: wouldn’t it be nice to escape to a cabin in the woods, to reconnect with nature, nourishing ourselves and our creative impulses? Taylor Swift’s eighth studio album evoked such a log cabin -somewhere between a Headspace bedtime story and a Bob Ross painting - that felt like a respite from global events.

Released with little warning at the end of July, Folklore was recorded during lockdown between Los Angeles and New York, with remote production by Aaron Dessner of the National and Jack Antonoff. The cottage imagery was conjured up by a marketing campaign as unsubtle as the music itself was delicate. But the escapism it offers is very real. Making few references to the conditions that brought about its existence, it inhabits a world of doomed teenage romance, waspy knitted cardigans, and beguiling, glamorous women wearing impossibly high heels.

Each Swift album comes with a story and corresponding aesthetic - sleek and sophisticated on 1989, gothic and dangerous on Reputation, pastel-hued and positive on Lover. This time, the story was about the songwriter going back to basics with an album of folksy electronica, the colour palette a tasteful monochrome. To a degree the project echoed the ultimate male musician cliche - gruffly heading into the woods in search of authenticity - yet Swift has never needed to assert her songwriting bona fides, a core part of her brand since her teenage debut. Instead, a year of cancelled tour dates allowed her to make an album without having to consider the nosebleed seats, the result wistful, romantic and adorned with entrancing melodies.

Swift has always been able to capture small, intimate moments with just a few words. Folklore expands the focus from her personal relationships to imagined characters, widening the emotional and narrative range. (Another album about her “London boy”, actor Joe Alwyn, might have proved tiresome.) The Last Great American Dynasty, about 20th-century socialite Rebekah Harkness, is a perfectly self-contained short story: crisp, acerbic, affecting. Moving away from more obviously biographical songs allows for timelines to intermingle, as they do in one’s memory: alongside songs about illicit trysts in luxurious rooms, the interconnected songs Cardigan, August and Betty are set in a world of homerooms and skateboards. Sweeping, Lana Del Rey-tinged melodrama suffuses the songs, alongside introspection, self-doubt and regret, deepened by a new richness to her singing.

Occasionally, reality intrudes at the log cabin. The second half of the album drops the pace, becoming more meditative, even bleak. Epiphany looks at the final moments of a person’s life: “Someone’s daughter, someone’s mother / Holds your hand through plastic now,” Swift sings, blending her grandfather’s experiences in the second world war with the imagined experiences of a healthcare worker during the pandemic. And when her lyrics move beyond the vengefulness that has been her recent trademark to examine the dynamics of rage, it is impossible not to think of her legal battle to gain ownership of her back catalogue, a reminder that even the most established women in music are still vulnerable to the whims of powerful men. “What did you think I’d say to that? / Does a scorpion sting when fighting back?” she sings on Mad Woman. “Before I learned civility / I used to scream ferociously,” goes the deceptively pretty Seven.

Whether you’re in a cabin in the woods or locked down in your living room, thoughts have felt louder and more intrusive than usual this year. Folklore found a moment of stillness in the turmoil, turning even the darkest musings into something sparkling and beautiful.