#normally his references are semi-gay every once in a while

[notfernintheslighest]

Just a reminder that Dean said to Cas, “So what, I’m Thelma and you’re Louise and we’re gonna sail off this cliff together?” when Cas asked him to help find Raphael, which Dean was under the impression would kill them both. Anyways here’s a gif of Thelma and Louise before driving off that cliff:

great reference

also Dean makes a reference to Burt and Ernie being gay that episode too, when learning Cas would die a virgin, I wonder what about getting Cas laid made him think of gay puppets. Freud would have a field day if he could watch Supernatural 😔

[perotovar]

baby, i'm-a want you — (ch 2) "session two"

gif by me

pairing: javier peña/joel miller rating: E (18+) mdni word count: 4.3k content: use of a plug, throat fucking, ass eating, lots of spit, gratuitous descriptions of cum, unprotected p in a, creampie, (safe) breathplay, background handjob, cock slapping, one (1) spank, joel's porn persona is a tad mean but it's nothing crazy, shy!joel, javi is a HUGE flirt, smoking, lmk if i missed anything! dividers: @saradika-graphics betas: @qveerthe0ry & @scenaaario (ily angels ♥)

series summary: javier peña has been doing this a long time. he's really good at his job. joel miller? not so much. he started doing this to get some extra cash to support his daughters. what happens when they're supposed to do a scene together? aka, the au where javier and joel are gay porn stars~

series masterlist | shoutout to this spanish dirty talk reference

for notifications, follow @oakslibrary ♥

“Fuck.”

Javier hadn’t had to prepare in a while. At least a few months. And the fact that he was doing this for Joel, of all men? He was harder than a fucking rock and he hadn’t even gotten the plug all the way in yet. Granted, he’d purposely chosen a smaller plug so he could still feel the stretch when Joel pushed that thick–

“Mierda,” he groaned, looking over his shoulder to see if he could get a better angle. The plug he chose was small, black, and a little thinner than he would normally go for. It’s been a while, so no matter what, there was a stretch but the lube certainly helped. When his hole finally sucked it in lewdly, he moaned, arching his back like a cat presenting himself to a mate. He grinned to himself and rested his head on his folded arms, ass in the open air of his apartment. 

He wished that his first major scene with Joel wasn’t a scene. He wanted to see if Joel was any different when the cameras weren’t on and he could just be himself. Every time he’s ever talked to Joel, he’d been quiet, with a heavy brow. Javier had been around the block once or twice and he could tell when someone didn’t like him. He’s not sure what he did to get on Joel’s bad side, but he hoped that tension added to the scene instead of making things awkward. And part of him liked the rift. It made Joel way more attractive to him, because Joel was probably the closest the site had to a bear, but not as big. Javier had always wanted to be fucked by one– 

Bzz. Bzz.

Cracking open an eye, Javier looked as his phone lit up next to him. He sighed and started rolling his hips side to side, slowly getting used to the feeling of being filled up again.

R u ready ?

“Who still texts like this, Jesus Christ,” he grumbled to himself. A slow trickle of sweat fell down the length of his back as he started typing a response.

Be there shortly, boss.

Javier rolled his eyes to himself. Max was always on his ass about being on time, but it never bothered him. They couldn’t start the shoot without him anyway. His cock throbbed between his legs, making him curl his fingers around his shaft. 

One quick wank couldn’t hurt right? 

Joel was panicking, to put it mildly. He showed up to the shoot way too fucking early and now he was rocking a semi in the hallway outside the room they’d be using. They, meaning him and Javier, because of course he hadn’t fully processed that that was still happening. He couldn’t get the image of Javier’s mouth around his cock, that mustache framing it so perfectly. Or his hole being stretched by Joel’s cock, or even–

“Hey, big guy.”

The words sounded like they were coming from down the hall and directly in his ear simultaneously. He slowly looked up to find Javier smirking down at him. Joel swallowed around a lump in his throat and cleared his throat awkwardly. His cheeks felt like they were on fire. Javier looked really fucking good – when didn’t he – with a healthy glow and slightly tousled hair. Had he freshly cleaned up his mustache this morning?

“Joel?” Javier chuckled, a soft smile coloring his features.

Joel cleared his throat again and stood awkwardly. “S-sorry, uh, hey,” he mumbled, looking down at his boots before keeping his eyes off of Javier’s, as he shoved his hands in his pockets. “Where ya been?” 

It was meant to be casual conversation, he swears, but he’d lowered his voice and it came out all gruff and accusatory and now he wants to hide in the broom closet. He knows this because the easy, relaxed look on Javier’s changed to one of confusion.

“Uh, preparing. Sorry, I know I was a little later than usual,” Javier exhaled. Guess he was right; Joel wasn’t the biggest fan of his. That’s fine, he was a professional and he could get his job done and go home. “See you in there, hombre.”

Joel blinked a couple times, looking at the empty area of the hallway where Javier was just standing. “W-wait,” he grunted, looking toward the room. Javier was digging into the pocket of the robe he was wearing and lighting up a cigarette, blowing the smoke away from the face of the assistant he was talking to.

“Fuckin’ idiot,” Joel grumbled to himself and stepped inside.

Javier wasn’t opposed to an audience per se, but he wasn’t expecting one today either. “What are you cabrones doing here?” He smirked, looking at the faces of his coworkers. Not all of them were here, but Dieter, Shane, Dave, Marcus, Din, Steve, Cobb, and Jack were. Everyone was in various positions of comfort, some sitting and some standing or leaning. Except Dieter, who was sitting on Din’s lap comfortably, resting his head on the bulkier man’s shoulder. 

“Wanted to see the show, of course,” Dieter grinned, winking at him. Joel stepped onto the set and saw all the men. He gave Dieter a look, and Dieter responded with a softer smile as if to say, You got this.

Javier rolled his eyes and smiled. “Alright, whatever, you perverts.”

“Alright, people, let’s get this show on the road! We’ve got a longer one ahead of us and I’ve got a date tonight.”

Everyone froze and looked at Max like he grew a third eye. 

Max frowned. “It’s not that rare– Y’know what, fuck you guys. Joel, Javi, get into position,” he grumbled, sitting in his director’s seat.

Javier looked at Joel and snorted, untying his robe. He threw it to their audience like they were a bunch of fans, and laughed when Marcus caught it. Javier winked at him, making the slightly younger man’s cheeks flush.

Joel was doing his damndest not to bust a fucking nut right now because obviously Javier was naked. That was his fucking job. That was his fucking job, too.

“Joel,” Dieter whispered. Joel looked at him, a slightly panicked look on his face. Dieter motioned for Joel to come over to him, so the older man did. “What’s goin’ on, huh?” Dieter asked quietly. Joel looked at Din wearily, who just smiled politely. “Oh, he’s not gonna say anything,” Dieter smiled, leaning over to give Din a quick kiss.

“‘M just,” Joel sighed. “Think he thinks I don’ like him.”

“Why would he think that?” Dieter pouted. When Joel didn’t answer right away, Dieter furrowed his brows at him. “Did you do that grumbly thing you always do?”

Joel mumbled under his breath and looked down at his boots.

“Miller! Get in frame,” Max barked.

Joel sighed and ruffled Dieter’s hair a little. “Showtime.”

Javier felt like his throat was on fire, tears were streaming down his cheeks, and he was having a hard time breathing. Joel’s cock felt so thick and hard inside his mouth and he was more turned on than he’d been in a long fucking time. 

“Yeah, shut ya up real good, huh?”

Javier moaned weakly, big brown eyes glassy as they looked up at Joel’s hard face. He choked every time the head of Joel’s cock hit the back of his throat but he couldn’t give a damn. This was probably the messiest head he’d ever given someone, slobber pouring out the sides of his mouth and down Joel’s shaft. 

Joel’s lines had instructed him to tell Javier to keep his hands to himself, so of course he obeyed. He dug the blunt nails of his fingers into his bare thighs so hard he was afraid that he’d break skin.

“Ain’t such a brat now that y’got a cock in your mouth, huh?” Joel sneered, tugging on Javier’s thick locks. Joel’s eyes were glued to Javier’s plump, swollen lips wrapped so tightly around his cock, that perfectly trimmed mustache framing them so beautifully. A full body shiver zipped down his spine when he saw the glossed over look in Javier’s eyes and tear tracks staining his cheeks. He shut his eyes in bliss and exhaled heavily as his hips moved of their own accord, his heavy balls slapping Javier’s chin lewdly.

Javier let out a low noise, his brows furrowing slightly. Joel looked down, worried he’d pushed too far, but saw that Javier was looking up at him with this fucking look in his eye. Even if Joel was technically in charge, at least in the script, he knew Javier had him hook, line, and sinker right now. And he thinks Javier knows that, too. 

Joel’s hips bucked at the twinkle in Javier’s eye, making Javier choke loudly. Slowly, Joel removed his cock from Javier’s swollen mouth. Loud, wet coughs left Javier’s lips, but he looked at Joel with a smirk on his face.

“Thought you were gonna fuck me, old man,” Javier rasped, sweat dripping down his neck.

“But you’d like that, wouldn’ya?” Joel grumbled. His cock throbbed heavily between thick, muscled thighs and Javier couldn’t take his eyes off it. The twitching made his own cock weep at the sight. “S’what I thought,” Joel hummed, harshly gripping Javier’s hair again. He curled thick fingers around the base of his cock and lewdly slapped the head against Javier’s tear-stricken face. 

Javier’s entire body shivered at the demeaning act and he bit his lip, looking at the hard lines in Joel’s face, and at the gray streaks in Joel’s hair. He was easily one of the most menacingly beautiful men he’d ever seen. He kissed and licked and sucked down the shaft of Joel’s cock until he sucked one of his heavy balls into his mouth. He moaned happily around the sensitive skin and looked back up at Joel through his lashes.

“Fuck me,” Joel groaned, breaking character slightly. He couldn’t fucking help it. Not when Javier was looking at him like that.

Javier made an approving sound and lewdly popped the ball out of his mouth, kissing up Joel’s soft, hairy stomach. “That’s my line,” he improvised with a grin, and sucked a dark mark into Joel’s hip.

Joel almost smiled, but at the last moment, remembered they were in fact not alone and had a script to follow. He quickly hardened his eyes and gripped Javier’s arms and manhandled him until Javier was laying over the arm of the couch, cock trapped between his body and the scratchy fabric.

“That what y’want, huh?” Joel grunted, gripping Javier’s ass in a bear paw. “Want me t’fuck this little ass until ya can’t walk no more?”

Javier moaned and arched his back, pushing his ass further into Joel’s hand and tried to grind against his cock. He nodded as much as he could with Joel pulling on his hair like he was, throat bared and panting hard. Joel pressed on Javier’s sweaty back to keep him down, before using both hands to slowly spread his cheeks. He groaned at the puckered little hole, carefully covered in lube from his earlier preparation. Pressing there with the pad of his thumb, he smirked when Javier moaned weakly below him.

“P-please, Joel,” Javier breathed heavily. Javi didn’t even recognize the sound of his own voice. He’d been built up too much and poked and prodded enough that he just needed something inside him already. “Please.”

“Hmm,” Joel hummed, pretending like he was thinking about it. He removed his hands from Javier to finally remove the t-shirt and jeans he was wearing. He could’ve sworn he heard someone from their little audience groan as his naked body was revealed, but he chose to ignore it, far too focused on the sight in front of him. “Don’t think so, sweetheart,” he grinned wickedly, his tone fake-sweet, and collected saliva in the back of his throat. He got down to his knees, thankful that the pillow there would be out of frame in the finished product. He spit directly onto Javi’s hole and gripped the small, plump cheeks in both hands. 

Javier gasped weakly, legs trembling under Joel’s ministrations. Joel was going to fucking kill him.

“Not yet, at least,” Joel mumbled, biting one of Javier’s cheeks before licking a thick stripe up from Javier’s taint to the top of his hole. A breathless huff left Javier’s lungs and his eyes rolled back at the feeling. “Y’mouth makes such pretty noises when ya ain’t runnin’ it,” was all the warning Javier had before Joel’s tongue pierced his hole and started fucking him in earnest.

Joel’s tongue was thick and wet and messy and he sucked loudly and slurped at a volume that should’ve been uncomfortable, but all Javier could do was moan and whimper, completely at Joel’s mercy. His eyebrows were downturned and his lips were parted in an obscene O, arms shaking as he held himself up on the couch. “Mm, fuck, J-Joel, I’m gonna fucking come, I’m–!” He was babbling and trembling and covered in a thin layer of sweat. He barely heard anything over the roaring in his ears.

“No, you’re not,” Joel grumbled between the lewd feast he was enjoying, landing a harsh smack! against one of Javier’s cheeks. “Don’t come until I say ya do.”

Javier groaned and bit his lip, his trapped cock weeping and throbbing between his legs. “Mierda,” he panted, hanging his head low between his shoulders. He tried grinding against the scratchy fabric of the couch for some kind of friction, but to no avail.

Joel grunted into Javier’s ass, convinced that he could stay here for hours if he was allowed. When he pulled his face away, his eyes latched onto the fluttering little hole in front of him and hummed in satisfaction. As he stood, his knees whined and creaked in protest and hopefully, if Max were nice to him for once, he’d edit the sounds out. 

Broad hands traveled up Javier’s heated skin, taking him all in as he panted heavily underneath the older man. He knew today would be good but nothing could’ve prepared him for this. Maybe he should keep his distance from Joel more often, if this was the end result.

Joel was ecstatic on the inside, the memories of their first scene together coming back to him. He’d almost forgotten just how pliant and cat-like Javier could get if pushed enough. The sounds he made were like music to Joel’s ears, and he wished he could keep them in a bottle reserved just for himself. 

He gripped Javier’s sides and manhandled him again until Javier was on his knees on one of the cushions and facing the back of the couch, hands planted on the back. Joel spread Javier’s cheeks again and hummed at the way the younger man clenched on instinct. He left Javier in that position for a second while he went over to an assistant off camera and grabbed some lube, making quick work of getting his cock thoroughly coated. He held Javier’s side, right where his ribs were, with one hand and gripped his cock with the other, grinding his shaft between Javier’s cheeks. 

Javier cried out loud, electricity shooting through his body and settling as heat at the base of his spine. 

Joel grinned, tapping the head of his cock against Javier’s hole before slowly, agonizingly so, pushed the thick head inside him. The air left Javier’s lungs as he froze, the pressure and the weight of being so thoroughly stretched overwhelming him. He grunted as Joel’s hips sat flush against his ass, breathing heavily as his arms trembled against the back of the couch. Joel stroked Javier’s flanks, letting him adjust for only a moment before he pulled out until just the head was left inside and slammed back inside.

“Fuck! Oh, fuck...” Javier moaned, his back arching.

“Aww, you’re alright,” Joel smirked. He hovered over Javier’s body, nearly covering him entirely with how much bulk there was. He curled an arm over Javier’s right shoulder and gripped onto the younger man’s left pec to press Javier’s back into his chest. He kissed along Javier’s shoulder and up his neck until he nibbled on Javi’s earlobe, moaning lowly as the younger man clenched around his shaft. “Y’gonna be good? Gonna let me fuck ya?”

“Sí, coño– Please, Joel,” Javier whined, resting his head on Joel’s shoulder and panting into the open air. “Por favor damelo.”

So Joel did. Before either of them knew it, Joel was fucking into Javier in earnest, his hips slapping against Javier’s ass obscenely. Javier was making the neediest little sounds, chanting Joel’s name like a prayer. Javier’s cock was hard as a rock and lewdly slapping against his skin with every one of Joel’s harsh thrusts.

Joel hid his face in Javier’s neck, panting hotly against the younger man’s already damp skin. With his right arm already wrapped around Javier’s torso, he gripped at Javier’s hip with his left hand, fingers digging into the (surprisingly) soft skin. Javier didn’t have a whole lot of fat on his body, but there was enough to ripple every time Joel jackhammered into him.

“F-fuck,” he gulped, lips parted and eyes half lidded. The pressure was building low in his abdomen. He knew he was close. “J-Joel, I’m–” His mouth was as dry as the desert. “I’m gonna come, I–”

Joel growled. Literally. He bit Javier’s cheek and growled. “Not yet. Jus’ a li’l longer,” he panted. He moved his hand from Javier’s pec to his throat, and carefully, expertly, squeezed the sides. They’d talked about doing this with Max and both had consented to it. They knew how to do it right.

Slowly, as Javier’s air supply was marginally cut off, a wide smile grew on his face. His eyes shut and he was smiling, biting his lip. He felt so fucking good. He wanted to do this again and this time wasn’t even over yet.

Joel must have noticed because he chuckled next to Javier’s ear, hips never letting up once. “Yeah? Feel good, sweetheart?”

Javier nodded as much as he could, nails digging into the shitty couch and pulling hard.

“Good boy,” Joel rumbled, slowing down his hips, but not letting up on how hard he was thrusting. Javier’s breath hitched with every one of Joel’s slow, measured thrusts. Joel’s hand slid from Javier’s hip down to curl around the younger man’s cock. It was like someone had poured ice cold water over Javier’s head, because the pressure was just what he’d needed.

“S-sí, sí, please, p-please,” Javier gasped, a tear falling from his eye.

“Fuck, look at ya,” Joel marveled, slowly stroking Javier’s cock teasingly. “Pretty as a god damn picture, sweetheart.”

Javier opened his eyes as wide as he could and tried looking at Joel for the first time since he was on his knees. When their eyes locked, Javier could have sworn that there was a different man behind Joel’s baby browns. Perhaps that was the real Joel, and not whoever was on camera. Not whoever had been avoiding him for the better part of two years. No, it couldn’t be. Could it?

“Want ya t’come for me,” Joel breathed hotly against his face. Javier shivered all over and nodded as much as he could with Joel’s bear paw of a hand around his throat. “Can ya do that, sweetheart? Come for me.”

Javier grunted as Joel picked up the pace of his hips again, but this time with his other hand tightly gripped around his shaft. Joel teased the head with his thumb just as he slammed directly into Javier’s prostate over and over.

Javier cried weakly, one more tear falling from his eye, and came hard. Thick, creamy spurts of cum painted the set’s couch as Javier trembled with his release.

Joel held him close, their sweaty bodies sticking together as Joel thrust one, two, three more times and followed Javier over the edge. He came with a low roar buried into Javier’s neck and cock twitching violently in Javier’s ass.

The set was dead silent save for Joel and Javier’s heavy breathing. Max kept the camera rolling, stunned into silence for once. 

Javier smiled to himself, eyes shut in bliss, and head resting on Joel’s shoulder. He clenched around Joel’s sensitive cock in little pulses. “Fuck me,” he croaked, voice wrecked.

Joel grunted at the overstimulation and gently held Javier’s hips as he slowly pulled out. Javier leaned forward against the back of the couch and pushed his ass out so the camera (and their audience) could see the thick cum trailing down his thighs. Joel’s hands rubbed Javier’s skin appreciatively at the sight, his cock giving one last valiant twitch.

“C-cut,” Max’s voice cracked, making him clear his throat. “Cut.”

In the corner, Dieter trembled and moaned weakly into Din’s neck as he came, Din’s thick fingers curled around his cock. 

Javier turned his head back to look at Joel with a satisfied smile on his face. “Mind gettin’ me a towel, guapo?”

Joel’s cheeks flushed, completely out of character again. “‘Course,” he mumbled, slowly standing to ask one of the assistants for a towel.

“Jesus Christ, boys,” Max chuckled.

Javier hummed in agreement.

“That was… That was somethin’ else, Jav,'' Steve said, impressed.

They were both outside, having their usual post-shoot cigarette together. No matter if they’d done a scene together or separately, they always kept up the tradition. This time, though, Javier thought he’d need several cigarettes. And a bath.

“Thank you,” Javier grinned, feeling lighter and more satisfied than he had in weeks. He could swear that the crick in his neck he’d woken up with was completely gone. Maybe there was some truth to Silva’s back pain disappearing after certain sessions.

“S’pose ya don’t gotta tell me, since I saw it myself, but was it like you thought it’d be?” Steve chuckled.

Javier snorted in response, taking a long drag off his cigarette. “And then some.”

Din smiled gently down at Dieter, giving him a slow, soft kiss. “I’ll see you tonight?” 

Dieter smiled wide and nodded giddily, getting on his tiptoes to wrap his arms around Din’s neck one more time to give him another kiss. Joel could swear he saw hearts in his eyes. 

Once Dieter came back over to Joel, he had a sheepish expression on his face. “Sorry, just had to say goodbye.”

Joel smiled softly. “Don’ worry yourself over it. Y’all are cute together.”

“You think?” Dieter beamed. “We had a scene the other day and we just haven’t stopped texting, and– Oh my god, this isn’t about me right now, I’m sorry.”

Joel chuckled and followed Dieter into the hallway so the cleaning crew could get to work. Dieter scratched at his beard as he looked at Joel: he seemed lighter, with a healthy glow radiating off of him.

“Well?”

Joel cleared his throat and dug his hands into his pockets, shrugging a little. “What?”

“Don’t ‘what’ me, old man! That was fucking hot! I came so hard!”

Joel laughed, rolling his eyes at his friend. “Thank you.”

“So? You gonna ask him out? Or at least apologize for earlier?”

“Yeah, I will. And uh… Yeah, I plan to,” Joel sighed, awkwardly scratching the back of his neck. “Don’t exactly know how I’m gonna do that, though…”

“Well, you better think of something quick!” Dieter whispered, pointing towards the end of the hall as Javier rounded the corner with Steve.

“Shit,” Joel whispered to himself. Dieter gave him a wink and thumbs up before heading in the opposite direction. 

Javier had his regular clothes on again, and Joel couldn’t take his eyes off him, enamored with how well they fit him. He may have just been inside the man, but he couldn’t help himself. 

“Hey, Joel,” Javier smiled awkwardly. He still wasn’t sure where they stood outside of working together, so he tried to keep it as casual as possible.

“H-hey, Javier,” Joel said hoarsely. He cleared his throat again.

“Y’know, you’re the only one that doesn’t call me Javi,” he said softly.

“Oh,” Joel furrowed his brow. “‘M sorry. My mama always taught me an’ my baby brother it was more polite that way.”

“You have a baby brother?” Javier smiled.

“Uh…” Joel gulped. “Y-yeah. Tommy.”

Javier hummed in response, an amused look crossing his features. He’s slowly figuring Joel out, he thinks. “He just as handsome as you? Bet he is,” he flirted.

The tips of Joel’s ears went pink and he laughed around an awkward cough. “Nah. Don’ cut his hair enough to be respectable.”

“Mm, more to pull then,” Javier smirked.

Joel made a face, not wanting to think of his brother like that. “L-listen, uh. ’m sorry ‘bout earlier. Wasn’t right talkin’ to ya like that,” he mumbled, unable to look Javier in the eye just yet.

Every bit of tension Javier felt left his body in an instant. “Thank you. I appreciate that, Joel.”

Joel nodded, a shy smile on his face. “‘S good,” he said awkwardly.

They were quiet for a few moments before Javier pulled out his pack of cigarettes, sticking one between his lips. “Well, you built up quite the appetite in me, so I’m gonna go–”

“Do you wanna go out sometime?” Joel blurted out. “N-now, maybe?”

Javier blinked a few times as a smile grew on his lips. “You’re asking me out? Gotta be honest, I thought you hated me, Joel.”

Joel snapped his eyes up at that, confusion all over his face. “What? No! I–” He sighed. “‘M no good at this,” he grumbled to himself. “’m sorry. Again.”

Javier chuckled and took the cigarette out of his mouth. “‘s alright. I’d love to.”

“Yeah?” Joel smiled, cheeks flushed and eyes wide. 

“Yeah, guapo. You already got dessert, but dinner sounds great.”

[exploding-carrots]

I’ve been wanting to draw or write out my ‘future’ Bottom ideas for a while but haven’t gotten around to it. So here’s a long post of some head canons and a general story line of them vaguely developing as people at some point set after the live shows. If anything this is just sort of my personal AU for the characters getting together. Mostly focused on the progression of Richie and Eddies relationship and my thoughts on both of them being trans

- They’re both trans, (a lot of Ades characters give me trans dudes vibes but that is 70% me wanting to time travel and body swap w the man) Eddie is a bi trans dude (who medically transitioned young, but is not necessarily out as either) and Richie is a closeted/repressed bi trans woman who begins to come to terms w it during the whole island era

- Richie is also intersex, which while yeah is sort of canon in a mean way, is sort of important to me for the character 🤭 However she is not aware of the fact

- Eddie is dyslexic and has ADHD which both contribute to him struggling on and off (which was really just a gag they went with when funny) with reading/writing depending on how well he can focus on it at any given time (example: the Edies Bra sign vs the grave stone). I am not even going to attempt to say what is going on w Richie but the woman is a mess of unresolved issues and trauma complications

- After everything they go through in the live shows they do somehow make it back to the flat which is unexplainably the exact way they left it.

- Every single joke about Richie going off and fucking dudes from the live show is taken as fact. It is the most poorly kept secret amongst the cast. They literally do not talk about it unless Eddie is trying to make a point or piss off Richie

- Eventually Eddie IS trying to piss off Richie and does bring up everything about her sex life and the clothes, and... well everything else. After a ridiculous fight it somehow turns into an almost semi-serious conversation. Eddie makes the assumption that Richie is gay and Richie counters with the fact that she is genuinely interested in women but it’s a hell of a lot easier to get attention from specific types of men. Gets some wheels turning in both of their heads

- Personality wise they never really calm down, but they do start to slow down a little bit as it takes them longer and longer to recover from their fights. Obviously there is still the odd dart to the forehead or gentle push down the stairs but the ridiculous games and completions they make up take center stage

- they get weed at some point (Dave Hedgehog and Spudgun seems like a feasible source, because let’s be honest if Richie and Eddie tried to buy weed it would not work) that leads to all sorts of embarrassment because Eddie gets crossfaded as all get out and starts hitting on Richie. Which while having a precedent in their history (I mean, the first episode gives us that right away) takes on a new sort of meaning once the concept of bisexuality has been rolling around in their heads. Nothing particularly saucy happens at this point Bc they are high, drunk, and old but all of the actual acknowledgement of feelings start to really develop after this point

- in an attempt to do something with her time Richie picks up sewing and picks up where she left off with the wrap skirt and rubber underwear she made on the island. Starts to really develop the little wardrobe she wears when she’s alone. It’s a mix of the same awful button up shirts she always wears and some dresses and skirts along with a couple pairs of sexier (for Richie at least) under garments

- eventually Eddie comes home while Richie is still in her feminine clothing. Eddies Reaction is different from the first time he saw her dressed up that way since now there is a precedent. Eddies approach is much more “playful teasing” and fake surprise than it was previously.

- Slowly Richie starts dressing up around the flat more and more often as opposed to just when alone. Eddie ramps up with the pet names and husband/house wife dynamic they already had going on.

- THE MOMENT is when Eddie is leaving the flat to go to the bar and there is an ‘accidental’ kiss on the cheek along with his usual good byes. Eddie realizes what has happened immediately and bolts before Richie can say anything. Richie has a moment of “teehee that was nice” still in her little fucking house wife head space before it catches up w her.

- Richie panics, paces around the flat, gets changed like 8 times, cooks dinner, throws it away, takes it out of the trash, paces more, breaks like 8 things, and essentially just fluctuates between “Ooo Eddie fancies me” to “oh fuck the bastard is making fun of me again” to “it was an accident and Eddie is going to make it into a fight” back to “ooo Eddie fancies Me~”

- eventually Eddie comes home, pissed to hell and back way later than he’d normally come home. Richies passed out on the couch. Eddie wakes her up by pushing her over on the couch so he can sit. Eddie says something along the lines of “I’m fucking drunk so I’m only going to say this one” before saying some incomprehensible drunken rambling and pulling Richie into an awkward full kiss. It’s a nice moment for maybe about 5 seconds before he stands up again, pulls a pint out of his jacket, chugs it and says something about drunkenly passing out before doing just that across the coffee table.

- Richie just sort of gawks at Eddie sleeping across the table before giddily tossing a blanket over him and heading off to actually go to bed.

- relationship wise this really just sort of introduces a sexual/physical dynamic to their relation while ramping up their camp version of domestic life

- it’s Spudgun and Dave Hedgehog who actually say something to Eddie about it. They’ve always been in on the “oh look, it’s Eddies terrifying wife” thing. Probably only actually say something about it after the 2nd or 3rd actual display of physical affection they witness. It’s more of one of them asking Eddie if Richie really is his wife (in that half aware sort of way they observe things). This alone doesn’t change much, but it does takes a lot to get through to any of these repressed bastards

- Richie grows accustomed to the more feminine/soft pet names that Eddie uses for her. At one point Eddie uses more traditionally masculine terms which sets off “oh actually I am not a fan of that” in Richies head and leads her to asking Eddie to not refer to her that way. Leads to an awkward half coming out on Richies part. Eddie does genuinely switch up how he refers to Richie at this point and her gender just sort of becomes an silent fact that they both respect. Everyone else sort of knows them as those weirdos who have some sort of common law marriage going on and it’s not really questioned. This is the point where Richie starts to earnestly medically transition without really saying to much about, canonically she has been on estrogen pills before (even if it was a ‘mistake’)

- End game is essentially just them being casual about their identities and relationships in a unspoken sort of “well that’s just how it is” way that naturally sort of bleeds into a the other aspects of their lives.

- Additional note on Eddie being trans: Richie is already vaguely aware of this fact Bc obviously they’ve been seen what the other is working with at one point or another but the fact that she is unaware that she herself is intersex and has a skewed sort of idea about genitals and peoples bodies Richie genuinely does not think about it all too much. Eddie assumes that she knows, especially as they get older and casually refers to being trans (in my mind probably during the entire “Edwina” disguise thing. I imagine Eddie wearing the dress came down to the clothing size and some off hand comment about him “having experience”, which is total shit Bc even before he transitioned Eddie never presented that way). That’s probably around the point that things start to click in Richies head about Eddies identity and she starts comparing and contrasting Eddie to other ppl and such.

[yamithediaperdork]

Two kinks, One love. (Soul eater)

Two Kinks one love

It was just after sun set, but in Death city two boys were about to engage in a very out of the norm date by any stretch of the imagination. They had run into each other while out and about, indulging in their respective fetishes late one night and while both had been shocked, they had also quickly fallen hard for each other.

The first Boy was the son of Lord death, the slightly prissy but kind hearted Death the kid. he'd been wearing his favorite black dress which came down to just above his knees and had been wearing pantyhose too of course, like a proper lady. Black high highs that he could run in without pause and a black purse, his make up had been spot on and he looked fabulous and knew it. It was the worst kept secret that the son of lord death was a trap, but most people just pretended not to notice because either they didn't care, thought he was MUCH nicer in girlie mode or well, who wants to piss him off? The second boy was in a small group of those who didn't know Kid prefer to be a sexy trap, though that was because he was busy with his only little fetish wear love. He was Black star, a legend in the making (if you listened to him) And he was also a goo goo gaga big baby. The night they met he'd been going on a waddle of shame and had been in 3 thick diapers that puffed out the crotch and butt of his black diaper shirt and blue short-all's (that of course, had his trademark sign on the front pocket.) He'd also been sporting blue sneakers with black laces that lit up in the back as he went for his once around the block waddle of shame and it had been by chance (or maybe fate) that the two had stumbled onto each other.

Black had been rounding the corner, after almost going into a late night shop for ice cream but then recalling he had left his wallet at home so no one could id him. (Silly when you consider how well he stood out and his instance on making sure everyone knew him..but it was a well know fact putting diapers on a big baby reduces logic by 40 percent.)  In any case, he knew his store credit was tapped out and decided to call it a night. looking back at the shop he wasn't paying attention to where he was going and bumped into a pretty lady sending them both down to the ground. "Oh Gosh! I-I'm Sorry!" Black whined, trying to scamper but but the bulk around his hips made that a bit harder then normal.  "I wasn't paying attention to where I was.." And Black trailed off as he looked down and recognized in a instant the face of the 'lady' he had bumped into, Kid! "heh..It's ok Little guy." Kid said, eyes narrowing in on the padded crotch. "Little boys like you shouldn't be out here along. where's your mommy?" Black gulped BIG time at that, He had always loved the idea of having a mommy for his diaper adventures but was gay as could be..and suddenly a obvious solution he had never thought of had just bumped into him.

Kid himself had been soaking in the semi attention and had let his gaze drift, looking at a dress on display in a store shop window and so had been just as responsible for the collision as the little guy. Looking up and seeing Black dressed like a over sized un-potty trained toddler Kid almost had little hearts in his eyes. if there was one thing he loved more then being a hot little trap walking the town.. it was being a good mommy dom. Sadly his picks for big babies in the city had been limited to Liz Thompson due to her cry baby ways. it wasn't that the older Thompson didn't make a good baby (she did, very much so) it was more that due to her doing it by request not want she could be difficult at times. But here in front of him dressed perfectly on his own free will.. Meow~ "well, I asked you a question little star~" Kid said getting up and smiling ear to eye and then dusting Black off first then himself. "I..I don't..have..a mommy..Miss Kid" Black said, blushing and poking two fingers together. "Do you want one?" Kid asked and winked. "YESH! I-I Mean..if that's ok with yo-" And Black was silenced as Kid kissed the baby on the lips.

From then on Black had been mommies little guy and despite some of the challenges involved (read: Black's mega poopie diapers) neither of them had looked back on it, and while they both wanted it to be a more 24/7 thing they both knew realistically with their duties and responsibilities that just wasn't possible. Besides, while Kid was more or less out in the open, Black was mostly unknown as a public diaper boy having kept his adventure to around his block. He wasn't ready for EVERYONE to know his favorite place to make boom boom was in the seat of his pants.

But tonight was date night, and it was Kid's turn to host. truthfully either place would of done for their in house date nights butttt Black's place had a funk to it that wasn't from the diaper pail the big baby maintained and more from his poor cleaning habits. Kid had taken the guest room of his place and turned it into any big baby boys dream nursery (and Black had been clear, he was a baby BOY..Mommy might be able to pull a dress off but not him.) and held out hope that one of these days Black would finally take him up on the offer to move in. Their friends knew they were dating of course (just not all the fun details) so it wasn't like that was holding them back. Kid was jolted out of that train of thought as his door bell rang and before he went to answer it he stopped and checked his reflection in a full body mirror. He had gone with a stepford house wife dress for tonight, reaching down past his knees and in a white with pink floral print on it and had a white apron on over it. he was wearing a pair of white socks tugged up high and a pair of pink flat heels and have a pair of pearl earrings in. a light bit of make up was on, some eye linger, lipstick and blush, and he smiled at his reflection and blew a little kiss as the doorbell rang again. "Best not keep the baby waiting darling." he scolded himself and walked to the door with a soft clip clap from his shoes on the hard wood floor. answering the door Kid was a little disappointed (though not shocked) to see that Black had come over in jean's and a t-shirt, though he'd brought his 'diaper' bag so to speak and had it slung over a shoulder. it was of course really just a tote bag but Kid made sure to refer to it as such as while he had loads of supplies, he made sure that Black would bring his own ba-ba and first diaper(s) to help him get used to carrying his baby gear around in public. (and maybe just a tiny bit to try and drive home if Black lived with kid, he wouldn't have to lug the stuff around) "There's my little guy~" Kid coo'ed and smiled, loving how bright the boys cheeks lit up when he was the one dressed like a 50's house wife. Standing to the side he gestured for Black to come in. "well come on, are you gonna stand there and squirm looking at mommy till you have a accident or come in and get di-" Kid started but Black let out a soft yelp and dashed in the house. "..works every time." Kid chuckled and waved to a neighbor who had been watching with quiet amusement then shut the door.

Black was squirming and huffy as he waited for mommy in the living room, having made sure to slid his sneakers off. "I wish you wouldn't do that." he sulked as mommy came into view. That wasn't exactly the strictest of truths.. he didn't wanna be a outed big baby but mommies teasing had a small part of him all excited "Mhmmm.. I know you hate it sooo much.." Kid teased and eyed the front of Black's tight pants that gave him away. "Come on little man, let's get you in a nice thick diapie before you piddle all over mommies floor again." Kid coo'ed and coming in close, tickled onto Black's chin and made the boy squirm and giggle even as he tried to huff. "Mommmmmmyyyy! that was ONE time!" He whined, hating/loving how small and little Kid could make him feel with a few well chosen words and just a chin tickle. "And that one time too many. Come along now." Kid coo'ed and gently took the little guy by the wrist, leading him to the nursery.  "Did you pack one of your super thick diapies like a good boy? or does mommies have to use one of the ones we have here?" Black whined and squirmed. he had SORTA kinda maybe been trying to just bring thin diapers over here..not because he wanted thin but well mommy had SO many thick ones here and he only had about 5 left and was trying to save his. Sadly for the little rascal mommy had figured him out and loved to tease. "I uh..well..see.." Black started up. "That's what i thought. you know, not to beat a dead horse but if you moved in you could have ALL the massive diapies you could want little man. I'll order anther pack and have them ship it to your place tomorrow though. just food for thought." Black star nodded and just let mommy take control, knowing that mommy knew best.

The nursery had baby blue walls with some silly chibi ninja's painted on them here and there fighting chibi monsters and the floor was covered with a plush cream white rug so if the baby lost his balance he wouldn't hurt his tush on the floor. (Of course with the thickness o0f Black's diapers it wasn't likely to happen but hey, Kid paid for all of this so he was allowed to justify it as he saw fit.) there was a wooden crib that had been made to order so could handle a bigger babies weight and left the little guy lots of room to play in by one wall, and it had been painted light black by black's request. (the little guy had wanted to help paint it but Kid had foreseen the mess THAT would of ended with and had told a little fib that the builders insisted on painting it themselves.) there was a cream white colored changing table, again made to order and had a black cushioned top those the cover was waterproof and made for easy clean up in the event of leaks. It also had a set of drawers on the side that held the different baby powders, rash creams and of course diapers that Kid's big baby had picked out one night in Kid's lap squealing and giggling. 'I'm gonna make him a spoiled rotten brat.' Kid mused briefly. 'ah well..he'll be MY spoiled rotten brat.' Adding to the spoiled brat theory was the MASSIVE toy chest that even as big as it was couldn't be fully shut from just how many toys little Black had, and there was a shelf built on a wall filled with nursery tale and story tale books. Of course one of the most important parts of the nursery had actually been the cheapest..it was a large metal diaper pail that Kid had stenciled 'BLACK STAR'  onto and helped keep his little man's nursery smelling like baby powder and love instead of poopie diapers.

"You strip down like a good boy sweetie while mommy goes and picks out something adorable for you to wear..unless you wanna just go in your diapies tonight." Kid said and smirked. "IIIII um..yeah..just diapies sounds good ta me..we're gonna eat soon anyways and then you'll hafa just strip me down after anyways mommy." "oh how true! such a clever baby I have!" Kid coo'ed and more chin tickles. "I guess i can help the silly big baby strip then." Black squirmed and nodded, and then just relaxed and followed orders as Mommy would tell him to raise his arms or the like while 'she' got him undressed, getting him down to his his little ghoulies briefs.(Little Ghoulies of course being Black's favorite toddler show) "oh my.. Somebody either been having accidents or just isn't very good at wiping!" Kid teased, clicking his touge as he looked at the large brown stains in the back of the undies. "and I JUST got these for you last week little man." "S-Sorry Mommy. I um..I just.. I had some not farts an-" Black mewed and pointed his index fingers together. "Shhh it's ok. I knew what I was getting into when I brought a big baby big kid undies. though maybe we better start looking into some pull ups for when your playing big boy." Kid coo'ed and kissed Black's cheek, making him tent out his briefs and shushing any argument, at least for the moment. hooking his thumbs in the waist band he tugged the undies down with one smooth practiced monition and then took a step back and clapped his hands and gestured towards his widdle boy. "Come on, walk out of your stinky undies and over to mommy~" "Yesh mama.." Black gurgled and Kid almost melted as he did so, with arms outstretched. 'it's official. i am the god damn luckiest mommydom trap in the world.' Kid mentally gushed and then helped the big baby up onto the changing table. sure the little guy smelled a little and had a few poo stains on his cheeks, but Kid figured with them having a whole night together he could just give the little guy a bath after din din. "Nowww what kinda diaper does my widdle guy want on, aside from thick. Baby blocks? Space ships? zoo print?" Kid asked tickling Black's tummy and black giggled and coo'ed. "Ummm All three!" he said and giggled more. "oh, somebody want to crawl tonight hmmm? Maybe after your bath sweetie. for now we'll go with baby blocks." Kid chuckled. "Awwww..dun want a bath! I smell nice and sweet!" Black pouted and then to prove his point raised his left arm up and took a whiff of his pit..and coughed.  "Then again..Mommy knows best." "mmmhmm. and don't you forget it~" Kid chuckled.

With baby black padded and a sucking on a white mouth guard paci that was attached to a black cord hanging around his neck (kid couldn't very well use a shirt clip if the little guy wasn't gonna wear a shirt after all.) he helped the baby down and then got out five toys for black to play with, though they were Black's choice as Kid would pick them out one at a time and hold them up for a head nod or shake. Black meanwhile suckled away and enjoyed the sight of mommy's butt when he bent over, sometimes mommies dress would ride up a little and ALMOST maybe give a peek at what kinda panties he was wearing. It didn't really bug Black that while Kid saw him naked and in his 'undies' most of the time, Black could count on one hand the amount of times he'd seen Kid's Bra and panties. that just wasn't the kinda relationship they had, though then did find ways to make love in their own fashion. Finally picking out a stuffed bear in a tux, a green and purple dragon stuffie, a stereo type bed-sheet ghost stuffie, a teddy in a suit of armor and finally a tiger stuffie he started to play with them, mumbling around his paci and making drool go down his chin. Kid watched mentally gushing and while he wished he could hear the cute little adventure that was being played out as Black loved to narrate, it was worth it to hear him mumbling around his paci. he could of stood there watching for hours honestly but the front door rang and he sighed, why of ALL the nights had his usual delivery place had to of lived up to it's 30 minutes or under delivery time? "Din din's here buddy, can you put your toys away and come meet mommy in the kitchen while he goes and pays?" Kid asked, patting Blacks head. Black whined a little and mumbled something, then sighed like ALL of the worlds problems were on him and nodded.

getting to the front door Kid opened it without checking and found himself looking face to face with soul. "Alright ma'am i got a order of...of..Kid?! Kid is that you?!" Soul asked, being anther one of the rare people not to know about the trap. "uh..yeah.. " kid said and blushed then smiled. "anyways, my order?" "I..oh wow. heh. I didn't know you and black were this kinky! wait, is he a little sissy too?" soul asked. "I believe it's none of your business. now can you ple-" Kid started, but then a loud "MOMMY! I SLIPPED COME KISS MY BOO BOO'S BETTER !!" was heard from the living room and Kid facepalmed while soul laughed. "you know what, I think i got a pretty good idea.. Mommy." Soul chuckled, and took the money he was offered for the food and tipped the hat of his delivery uniform. "You and your widdle one have a good supper Ma'am." he said and then took off. "..Hoo boy..this isn't gonna be fun to explain." Kid thought as he closed the door.

The end.

[steponmepinkjun]

I NEVER FINISHED MY STORY OMG. ok so i left off at being too proud to tell my friend she was right and kpop fucked hard. the difference between u and me is that i’m too good of a liar. too good. i kept up the “i hate kpop it’s cringe” facade for ALMOST TWO WHOLE YEARS, I SHIT YOU NOT. why? bc my dumb ass, extra ass, dramatic ass self thought “ok if i’m gonna have to deal with the embarrassment of admitting i’m wrong, i better do it in such an extra ass way it’ll knock ur socks off so hard that YOULL be the one embarrassed not me.” the original plan was to learn the entire choreography to bts dope, bc it’s the song that she told me to listen to and inevitably the song that got me into them, but later switched to bts fire bc i saw too many of those “choreo matches w any song” videos, and then her birthday party came up. and here’s the real kicker. her birthday is April Motherfuckin Fools. so it would be So Perfect for me to reveal my kpopism as a birthday present And a april fools prank in one. so i was Set on the Reveal being on april 1st, but the day rolls around and god that choreo is so fucking hard and i am Not a dancer. never have been. so i abandon that and go ykno what… i’ll do it Next Year. BC MY BITCHASS WAS LIKE NO THE MOMENT IS TOO PERFECT TO DO IT ON A NORMAL ASS DAY ITS GONNA BE ON APRIL FOOLS ON HER GODDAMN BIRTHDAY OR NOT AT ALL. a year rolls by, i’ve told most of our friends except her and they’re all in on it, i’d made so many subtle kpop references to her without her realising they were fully intentional and had too many scares where she almost figured me out but i lied my way out of it, and i’d given up on showing off with choreography bc i couldn’t make that shit look good. i’m not a dancer. i am, however, a rapper, and a damn good one, so i inhaled the agust d mixtape and decided i’d just rap the eminem of kpop’s anthem at her face. in korean. and change the lyrics at the end (if u haven’t listened to agust d, the bridge repeats “i’m sorry” a lot) to “i’m sorry i kept this from u for so long” and “i’m sorry i actually ult got7 not bts” (this was like the april after skz debuted ok i was holding onto got7 for dear life knowing full well skz we’re going to convert me smh) and the best part? she never saw it coming. her official present was a cd with a bunch of kpop on it but she thought it was just a personalised mixtape for her so i told her to play the first song out loud and she knew the song Instantly. it has a long intro so she was like “i guess u did listen when i recommended u this song!! i knew you’d like it since u like rap so much!!” and then i started rapping and i shit u not. she started SCREAMING. like the initial reaction was her jaw dropping and then instinctively covering her mouth but when i kept going and she realised i wasn’t fucking around she just fucking screamed like a banshee. at the end during the sorry bit i threw off my jacket to reveal a got7 shirt on the inside and she fell off her chair and started rolling around on the floor. needless to say it was every bit as satisfying as i thought it’d be LMAOOOO afterwards her ass was like “I CANT BELIEVE U HID THIS FROM ME FOR OVER A YEAR” and when i tried to explain my ego couldn’t take the “i told u so” she was like “you know i wouldn’t have made fun of you for it right? i would just be glad you’re not hating on my boys anymore” so basically i’m a big dramatic fool and she was always too good for me.

don’t mind the weird spaces here my ipad is being all fucky wucky w me rn. damn sad to hear ur sideblog experience didn’t go so well, i’d have shown u the cool side of the fandom if i knew 😤😤 leading u thru the cursed halls of kpop stan tumblr like a sketchy tour guide that’s actually 3 small raccoons stacked on top of each other like a trench coat, like “over here we have the fanfic writers that honestly need to publish a book, over here we have the gif makers that are responsible for my entire camera roll, if we take a quick swerve past the death threat anons and the twt fanwar screenshots - mind ur feet bub the 14 year olds were tryna make a grab for ur ankles - ah here’s the holy grail of shitposts, you might be here for hours, to the right we have the weird aussie side of the fandom that projects our childhoods onto chanlix but also all the members as we decide what their life in australia would’ve been like, and down there is a secret trapdoor to the blogs w endless random headcanons that will make you laugh, cry or blush depending on if the author woke up and decided to choose violence today. enjoy your Stay!” but then again i’m not so active on tumblr anymore (ngl you’ve become the highlight of my tumblr experience these days, interaction wise,) so maybe all my Local Hotspots are inactive now. i know a bunch of them are, it’s sad. “i don’t fw stan twitter for the same reason i don’t hang out in meth dens” oop. guess i’m a meth addict. no but i get u i rly do, it’s a hellhole out there, but the fact that things get shared and spread a lot easier than on tumblr and how short most things have to be (therefor keeping up w my adhd attention span without having to resort to the mental torture that is tiktok, with the added bonus of not always needing headphones.) that i just. couldn’t leave if i tried. maybe i should try being active on tumblr again but it’s a dying site in comparison.

“their music doesn’t consistently hit for me as much as skz” i’m sorry we can’t be friends anymore. what. what. you don’t dramama ramama ramama hey? you don’t feel a little jealousyyyyyy, naega anin? you don’t shoot out, shoot out, shoot out, or aremdaeun love killa love killa? you can’t be your hero du du du du du du du du du dududu? u disappoint me. literally like everyone i know who likes skz music likes mx music like it’s a rite of Passage. they’re kindred spirits, monsta x music is like skz’s music’s cool but mildly heterosexual older brother. neither of them know what a bad song is it runs in the family. and both their music runs in my VEINS. whenever i describe my music taste they’re always the first two that come to mind, skz being my number 1 bc they are my best boys but mx bc of the Flavour. pls listen to the entire the code album then get back to me 😤🙌 ok but fr ur so right they are 7 of the finest men i ever seen (yes i say 7 bc i’m including wonho cause he deserved better and i’ll die on my ot7 bullshit.) like don’t get me started on them either LOL i LITERALLY downloaded that one insta video of changkyun working out his back n arm muscles w his tattoo showing bc i needed that shit saved for Science. they could do Anything w me like frfr. yes vixx is the bdsm contract group i’m telling ya they wildin. or at least they were. it’s been years since their last comeback idk what they’re doing anymore tbh. and yeah that makes sense, savouring the hyperfixation i feel it, but also i’m so attached to skz that i never let it die. like i hyperfixate on other things and other groups but i will Always go back to skz cause they’re my homeboys. hell, they’re my home. being a predebut stay i’ve spent more time w skz than most of my actual family members at this point. but that’s just me you do u boo xx just know that if ur anything like me ur never letting go once skz it’s been my longest lasting fixation cause they hit like Nothing Else Do. ik i’ve already said that but i cannot stress it enough. they’re really special. i’m gonna stop here before i get all sappy and emotional bc i really love those boys so fucking much and i don’t drop the L bomb often. SIDE NOTE I WOULD LIKE TO SEE UR LIST OF GROUPS RANKED BY THORSt. i need to judge ur Taste. and omg cat&dog is such a guilty pleasure song bc the lyrics make me cringe so much bc while pet play can be fun they be doing it in more of an “i’m an innocent soft dogboy uwu” kinda way that just Does Not Sit Right with me. it comes back to the objectifying of asians that asians themselves don’t help in industries like these and maybe i’m looking too far into it when rly it is just wholesome n cute or maybe they are into some pet play shit idk idc i will bop to the song regardless but i will not acknowledge the lyrics nope.

YOURE RIGHT THO SKZ’S OPENNESS IS IN FACT, A BIG DEAL, i’ll grab them for u if u want but i found these twt threads of skz supporting the lgbt community and i just felt a special kind of happiness man like sure the delusional part of me likes going “haha they’re gay” bc my brain likes to imagine them as my polycule of mlm boyfriends bc sometimes thats what gives me the serotonin to get me thru the day ok don’t judge but also bc it’s nice knowing that yes i’ll never know them personally, but at least i can support them knowing they’d respect my gender identity and my pronouns, they’d respect who i choose to love, and that’s already more than the general public can say so shit, it is special! it’s special that they don’t treat being cishet like the norm - they constantly remove gender from their songs and speech entirely, they don’t assume all stays are female anymore, we don’t talk abt the babygirls incident cause we got babystays in the end outta that ok, and it’s just. so refreshing and important to me bc i can’t get that anywhere else!! like my semi ults are the boyz and while i love them very much and there’s no way all 11 of them are straight i refuse, i do get just a little bit sad whenever they she/her their fandom by default and call them their girlfriends n shit even tho i do still identify as a girl, i’m also genderfluid/nonbinary/transmasc, and i have a very love/hate relationship w my womanhood and rarely use she/her pronouns, cause it’s like, do you not see me? see us? the ones who aren’t cishet women? i mean i know kevin does bc he congratulated a fan who came out as nb but it’s just not the same as the openness we get w skz. like how do i trust cishets i could be supporting them as a queer person when in reality they’d call me a slur. what would i know, behind the screen? so it’s so good that skz go the extra mile to make it a safe space for everyone. this is already long enough i will reply to the second half of that ask in another message… tomorrow cause it’s 1am and i’m tired gn -felix bi anon

I'mma have to start putting these under a readmore so that i don't absolutely make everything who is still following me for some reason go totally fucking insane 😂

NDJDHWJJAHFNAKBSJSBFBHHDBDNAJD YOU HAVE NO IDEA THE FACES I WAS MAKING READING THIS, I WAS FUCKING CACKLING AND GASPING EVERY OTHER SENTENCE SO HARD THAT I SCARED THE CATS NDJWHSHSB the fact that you went "oh you want me to get into kpop? Give me a hot minute, and I'll give you a whole ass private concert for free" biduehsjdbd biiiiiiiiiiitch you're a fucking ICON, I stg I could NEVER 😂 (and not just because I couldn't find a tune if you gave me a printed set of Google maps directions and that I embody the steriotype that white people can't dance, like my sister kept sensing me tiktoks of the whole "dance like a white girl" trend going lmfao look it's you and eventually I was like "sis please this trend has me feeling like being white is a disability and these mothafuckers are being ableist 😭 also I could NEVER be that on beat so yall ain't even doin it right 😭😭😭😭"). Tbh if I told one of my friends (lol what friends, i got jokes) to get into Skz and they showed up at my bday and performed the entirety of I Got It I would simply shower them in money and go "aight everyone else go home, you are no longer needed, you are being laid off, your position has been eliminated, we're downsizing, the company is moving up and you're moving out, you are not qualified for this role any longer, best of luck with future endeavors" 😊

I think part of the reason I can't deal w Twitter is the exact reason I refuse to leave tumblr, in that I've been on tumblr since 2006 and twt since 2008, and tumblr literally has not changed at all, not even a little, whereas going from the early days of twt where there were no corporate sponsorships or ads and you had to manually copy and paste someone's tweet and @ them to retweet it, to how it is now, like 90% ads and showing me shit from the timelines of people I don't even fuckin follow n whatnot, it's just not enjoyable. Idk how anyone finds anything on twt, it confuses and frustrates me because I am old and have not adapted well to technology changing 😂 But arguably, the skz fanbase doesn't want me on skztwt anyways so like it works for both of us lmfaooo. I am old and cringey, and also still think of twt as stream of consciousness whereas tumblr is your teenage bedroom where you can decorate the walls with anything that interests you. I do really love the nonsensical kpoptwt shitposts tho fhshsbdjjss like it is a very specific flavor of mental instability that I enjoy immensely 😂 OH and also I initially misread part of that and thought you were saying you actually irl do meth and I was like 😳 WHAT DO I SAY TO THAT. HOW DO I HANDLE THIS. Like how do I express like "I wasn't being judgy of people who use substances cause I've been there but I was just being insensitive 😳" And then went back and reread it and was like WHEW, IM JUST AN ILLITERATE FOOL 😂😂😂😂 ejeywhdhrhjwbfbdjshdhdhd I spent like an hour bwign like "IS THE REASON WE GET ALONG BECAUSE THEY'RE ON METH???? WHAT DO I DO WITH THIS INFORMATION??????" hrhehshe I am literally a fuckin idiot it's fine

It's not that I don't fw them, it's more like... Okay so like there is no situation in which I am going to skip a skz song if it comes on shuffle. You will not ever catch me NOT in the mood to listen to Sunshine, if God's Menu comes on we are THROWIN the meager amount of booty meat I got hither and thither, I could be in the happiest mood of my life but if Ex comes on I will stop to SOB. And I'm not like that with most music, so mx just falls into the category of "there is a time and place." Idk why but it just doesn't forcibly grab hold of my heart and ass the way skz always does. I really don't WANT my skz fixation to ever end, but I know that eventually it'll stop giving me dopamine bevause my brain is my worst fucking enemy 🙃 like my arcana fixation is to date the longest running hyperfixation I've ever had, going on almost three years, and I used to not be able to spend every single second of every day thinking about Asra, but now... I just feel nothing when I look at arcana stuff. As you can probz tell by the fact that I hardly post arcana anymore 😂 So I know that eventually all my happiness will end, it always does, I can never stay just as obsessed with something as I was for long. I CANT SHARE THE LIST BECAUSE I DONT *HAVE* TASTE YET 😭 I'm basically just compiling a list of any group someone tells me I should look into, ranked by how strong the kitty purred upon googling pics of them 😂 My mom read my ass to FILTH over txt lmfao she was like "they're not that adorable. Maybe your standard for adorableness has gone down with You Know Who still on hiatus 🤔" bfjwhdhd like MOMMAAAAA THE LIBRARY IS CLOSED 😂 she attacks me any time I even hint at stanning other groups, she is a skz purist and stans skz only, unofficial Momma Stay of All Stays keeping me in check lmfao.

I feel like skz really do follow thru on their promise that they're a safe space for stays, it's nice to see that they hold space for anyone and everyone in their fanbase and do it in a really simple and elegant way, I feel. Like they never make it seem like "okay here are the fans and here are the token weirdos that were only recognizing to make a buck off of them" the way a lot of artists make it feel like 😑 like they don't go out of their way to act like it's some revolutionary act to do the bare minimum of not shitting on certain parts of the fandom, if that makes sense. They feel very "yeah, of course we love all our stays, this is a welcoming space for literally anyone, that's how it should be, that should be normal," instead of like "Hi fans we love you 😊 and special shoutout to you ell gee bee tee folk, make sure to buy my rainbow merch after the show!!!" you know? Like, they're the friends who would never make you feel weird or different for some shit, the friends that take the attention off you if something they know ur sensitive about comes up, instead of weirdly snapping at whoever brought the unfomfy thing up which ruins the mood and makes you feel tiwce as bad, yk? They just give off this vibe that they, and the space they create with their music, is just a genuine and chill place to be and hang out and relax and bond. I feel like they'd be the friend group that is so goofy and sweet and silly and accepting and lovely and always makes you feel loved and excited to be alive 🥺 They are all good noodles 🥺🥺🥺

[awkwardlittlepringle]

Queer ‘n Crazy

CHAPTER 20

Hello, fellow Fanders!

Okay, so this chapter was supposed to be centered around Thomas's wake, but the thing is I've never been to a awake, so I decided to change it to them getting ready for it, sorry about that.

Previous Chapter / Next Chapter

WARNINGS : Mentions of death, a funeral, gayness, swearing, I think that’s it?

...........

Virgil was kind of confused, for a myriad of reasons. 

First of all, despite the fact that they were attending the... wake? Memorial? The school day went on as planned. They had their normal classes, but an hour and a half before dinner, the whole school filtered back into their dorms, and picked out their least casual clothes for the wake. 

It was easy enough for Logan - the dude wore ties every day for crying out loud - but Virgil was stumped. Janice and Mike hadn't insisted on him changing how he dressed, something every other foster family had done, but this meant that the closest thing Virgil had to formal wear was a pair of not-ripped jeans, and a patternless black T-shirt. 

Virgil was sure that he wouldn't feel nearly as bad about it if Logan hadn't dressed so nicely. He had thought (for some reason) that bringing dress pants to a boarding school was a normal thing to do. So across the room from Virgil he sat; trying his hardest to keep his eternally-pretty hair from falling in his eternally-pretty eyes.

Virgil turned back to his own mirror in distaste. Feeling loose jeans felt odd on him. He hadn't worn this particular pair in over six months, meaning they smelt slightly dusty as well. 

"Virgil, please tell me you're not going to wear that shirt." 

Virgil glanced at Logan's reflection in his mirror. The other male was looking at him disapprovingly, scanning him in a way that made Virgil incredibly self-conscious. He ducked his head away with flushed cheeks, searching for something that definitely wasn't there just as a distraction. 

"Shut it, Specs. Not everyone brings ties to school." he muttered, flustered. Logan hummed, standing up and walking to his closet. 

"I know that, but your wardrobe can't only be band shirts, right?" "..."

"Oh my god-" "Shut up!" he groaned. "I have a couple of other things, it's just all of them have a pattern."

"Didn't you bring at least one shirt?" "Uh... no." he said, leaning against his dresser and staring at Logan. "Why the fuck would I bring a button up? They're annoying."  "They are not." "Says you! You wear dress pants, Logan. Dress pants." Logan rolled his eyes, before starting to mess with his clothes.

"I'm not referring to your jeans anyway." said Logan evenly as he sifted through neatly hung clothing. "While most people will wear jeans, most will also wear shirts. Would you like to borrow one of mine?"

Virgil's heart rate definitely didn't speed up at that, what are you talking about?

"Uh, that is if you're comfortable with that." added Logan in a quieter voice. "You don't have to obviously, but it's probably better than wearing a scruffy black T-shirt." he said with a tad more assurance. "They did say the dress code was semi-formal." Virgil couldn't deny the fact he was right.

"I mean, if you're okay with it I guess..." mumbled Virgil, his voice barely audible over his heart beating a tattoo in his chest. Logan's lips quirked upward, and he returned to his search with renewed vigor.

Virgil walked closer to Logan, the familiar smell of lavender wafting through the air between them. Lavender. Lavender smelt like Logan. Logan uses lavender detergent.

Oh fuck, I'm going to die.

"Try this one."

He held out a black dress shirt, which seemed to be in far better condition than any of Virgil's clothing. Virgil walked over and took it from him uncertainty, his heart now beating in his ears. Their hands brushed casually, but for some reason it seemed to awake a swarm of moths in Virgil's stomach. 

The fabric was slightly coarse and increasingly supple underneath Virgil's touch, and seemed reasonably soft, despite the fact it was fitted. With a lump in his throat, Virgil walked into the bathroom, desperately trying to breathe through his mouth.

He watched himself in the mirror as he gingerly slipped his hands into the sleeves, being careful not to tear the fabric. It rippled before settling, the cool fabric sitting neatly on his skin. Virgil brought his hands to the buttons, fumbling slightly as he tried to slip them in. It certainly would have been easier if he had long fingernails, but as it was, his nail beds were nearly chewed raw. 

He ended up having to restart halfway because he'd put the wrong button in the wrong hole, but he got there eventually. He glanced back at his reflection nervously. 

The shirt had clearly been fitted to Logan's figure, shown by the excess fabric around his shoulders, but overall, it wasn't too bad. It actually fit pretty well, considering Virgil's chub. 

Virgil gave himself a once over; moving his arms around a bit, before turning to the door with red cheeks. He placed his hand on the cold doorknob before taking a deep breath.

He'd been trying his hardest not to pay too much attention to the smell of the shirt, but left to his own devices it was nearly unbearable. Dust and lavender sheets and Logan's cologne. Memories of waking up next to the other male filled Logan's mind, causing the blood in his cheeks to flow even faster. 

It honestly wasn't fair. No one's clothes should smell like them. It should be illegal. There was no way Virgil would be able to concentrate if his mind was filled with images of Logan's hair, and Logan's eyes, and Logan, Logan, Logan. But now Virgil was stuck wearing his crush's shirt to a wake, where he was supposed to be mourning his classmate. A classmate he really liked, too.

He was screwed. 

Virgil opened the bathroom door and tentatively scanned the room for Logan, spotting him sitting at his desk and staring at the door. 

He let out a satisfied smile at the sight of Virgil, before hurrying over to check the fit of the shirt. He hummed happily while doing this, before stepping back to give Virgil another look. The emo curled in on himself at the attention, his eyes flitting around the room. Anywhere but Logan. 

"You look amazing." Virgil met the other's eyes with a blush that could rival a strawberry. The sheer sincerity in the Logan's eyes was way too much for him to handle.

"Do you feel okay in it?" he asked, adjusting the fabric around his shoulders. Virgil shrugged. Logan frowned. "If you don't like it you can always change it." he said with a furrowed brow. "N-No, I'm good." Virgil cringed at his stutter. "I-I mean, it just feels a little weird only wearing one layer is all." he confessed.  "I would give you a suit jacket, but I'm pretty sure that's too formal." said Logan with a scrunched nose. Virgil snorted, causing the other boy to smile a bit. 

"What?"

"You brought a suit jacket?" Logan's face glowed red, and he stepped backward slightly as he started to protest. "I-I-"

Virgil burst into laughter at the sheer amount of embarrassment on Logan's face. A hand coming up to cover his mouth. 

"Why do you do that?" "What?" asked Virgil amidst his giggling.  "How come you cover your smile?" he repeated, his blush fading slightly. "It's so pretty."

Virgil could have sworn that he choked on his own spit. A warmth exploded in his torso, causing a tingling feeling to run down his limbs to the tips of his fingers. At the same time he felt like his core was closing in on itself, like a star about to collapse under it's own gravity. A strange buzzing filled his now glowing ears.

Logan had just called him pretty. Logan, tall, adorably awkward, gorgeous Logan thought he was pretty. Or at least, he thought his smile was pretty. 

Virgil had no idea how to deal with this. 

Logan stared at Virgil's reaction to the compliment, his cheeks dusted a delicate pink. Then he swallowed, before stepping back as if he'd just realised what he'd done. He slapped a hand over his mouth, before whirling around and walking back to his desk. Virgil turned back to his mirror. 

The two of them stood on opposite sides of the room, neither looking at the other, in silence. 

"I know I'm supposed to be embarrassed right now, but that doesn't change the fact that what I just said is right, okay?" 

Logan's voice was quiet, but it made the buzzing in Virgil's ears all the more louder. The black-clad boy stood silent, staring at his hands, which were resting on his dresser. Virgil swallowed, every single nerve in his body tingling. 

"Thanks." 

The silence fell over them like a heavy blanket, covering every crevice of the room. Virgil drew in a shaky breath. 

The compliment shouldn't have affected him like it did. They had cuddled, twice-once in Virgil's bed-and yet it was some offhand comment about his smile that made Virgil so nervous. Virgil wasn't stupid. He knew that half the stuff that went on between them wasn't platonic, but it wasn't until now that he realised how badly he had to address it. 

Logan was like sunlight. Any time he was in the room, Virgil felt more at ease. Any time he was present, he was a comfortable constant. The more Virgil looked at him, the more he appreciated his existence. The air between them was filled with uncertainty, the two of them tip-toeing around each other, far more than necessary. 

Logan's gravity was pulling Virgil closer and closer. And well, maybe he didn't want it to stop. 

Why the fuck did I have to think about this before attending a remeberence?

....................

Summary : Virgil and Logan are getting ready to go to Thomas’s wake and Virgil has a bit of a gay crisis/bi crisis/bi-sis cause he ended up wearing Logan’s dress shirt. Stupid, I know, but I honestly can’t think of anything else. 

TAGS : 

@vomit-boy​

@someone-idk-is-here​

@true-chaotic-dumbass​

@666frostwolf​

@yerkesdodsoncurve

@sadgayisme​

If you wanna be added to the tag list, just shoot me an ask!

[whitehotharlots]

Elizabeth Warren is a weak candidate

It’s hard to believe it’s already been a year.

Last October, prospective presidential candidate Liz Warren stopped by the ur-#Resistance podcast Pod Save America, a program in which several former Obama staffers named John talk about which Gryffindor house Trump administration members belong to, and helpfully explain why Andrew Cuomo is actually way more progressive than Cynthia Nixon. They talked about how Trump had taunted Senator Warren by referring to her as Pocahontas, a cruel play on her claim to Native American heritage. Why, they asked, don’t you try and shut that bully up? Why not take this test from our eugenicist friends at 23 and Me? 

“By golly,” said Liz. “That sounds like a real dandy of an idea!”

Now… this is actually stupider than the mainstream narrative suggests. Because even though it turned out Liz had a smaller percentage of Native American DNA than basically every other American white person, simply taking the test reified an offensive precedent of blood quantum, which is more or less universally rejected among actual Native Americans. Even if it turned out she was 50% Cherokee and had little feathers floating in her piss, the entire spectacle still would have made a mockery of the intense, material struggles faced by Native Americans to this day. 

Now, normally on this blog, I’d go on for several paragraphs about how I don’t actually care about Warren’s heritage (I don’t), how it’s more important to note that she and the rest of the Democratic establishment only care about Native issues to the extent to which they can exploit them, how her refusal to take a stand against DAPL was not just concerning but disgusting, how she can write as many “Pow Wow” recipes as she pleases but at the end of the day she’ll just be another shitty Democrat who expresses solidarity with oppressed people but does nothing to prevent their water being poisoned or their land befouled. But that’s jumping the gun. We’ll only have to worry about being gravely disappointed by Warren if she manages to beat Trump in general election. And I’m sorry to tell you, but she doesn’t have what it takes to get that done.

Warren is a goon. I’m sorry, but she is. She can’t answer softball questions about her recent political history without coming across like a teen who was just caught shoplifting and has been asked why there’s Playstation-sized bulge beneath his shirt. (“D-did I support gay marriage? Well, umm, jeeze louise who can remember something like that? Uhhh. There might be notes? Maybe? But there isn’t. So, I… I guess, well, who can say, really?”)

Warren isn’t nearly as a self-certain as Hillary was, and that’s a problem. It wouldn't be a problem if she actually were a leftist and actually did plan on proffering material solutions to the material problems facing nearly every American. But she’s not. Policy-wise, she is somewhat better than Hillary or Biden. That’s fine. But that’s not enough. She’s already spent too much time courting the Democratic establishment and their corporate base. She knows, therefore, that when a dying cancer patient asks her if she supports Medicare For All, that she has no choice but to lie to his face, that she’s prioritizing corporate cash over helping suffering people, but she lacks Hillary’s soulless cruelty and so she can’t simply laugh away the man’s concerns as naive bro stuff. This causes her to stutter and panic, which makes her (rightfully) appear disingenuous. 

Warren’s plans are likewise a degree or two more progressive than what was being offered by Hillary in 2016. But they’re not straightforward. They are cloaked in the maddening layers of equivocations, loopholes, and means testing that have infected every Democratic proposal since the early 90’s. This is the unavoidable consequence of party seeking to appease two diametrically opposed interests. You can’t satisfy the profligacy of capital while helping everyday people. It cannot be done. And so Democrats rely on Rube Goldberg-style labyrinth policies to obscure this fact, to make it look like they’re trying to help when actually they’re not, they are at best attempting to add a little sugar to the arsenic so that we won’t fight back so much when they pour it down our throats.

Obama could pull this off. We all knew Obama was lying in 2012, but he was appealing enough to make us rationalize away his lies. Same thing with Bill Clinton. If you’re not old enough to remember, check out this debate clip. The man looked like he was going to crawl through your TV and fuck you, and most of us were cool with that. Hillary lacked this appeal. Warren lacks it even moreso. And, yes, I guess this is essentially affective and subjective--just my opinion and whatfor. But any soberheaded person should be troubled by the fact that Warren’s campaign as already absorbed the most viscerally annoying people from the Hillary campaign, and is already aping HRC’s most repulsive and alienating tactics.  

These are people like Sady Doyle and Amanda Marcotte: neurotic, celibate scolds who engage with politics primarily as a way to actualize their petty grievances and insecurities. These people are incredibly unappealing to everyone who isn’t immediately inclined to like them, which is about 90% of the American electorate. And this unappealingness has nothing to do with their gender or their physical appearance. It’s because they are liars who are running a manifestly cynical grift, and they don’t have enough charm or intelligence to trick voters into thinking they’re doing something else.  They are electoral poison, and their outsize presence with the Democrat establishment is a big reason why the Democrats get their asses beat so consistently even though they are supported unanimously by the American media and cultural classes. 

Their grossness was encapsulated very succinctly yesterday, in the misadventures of Ms. Ashlee Preston. Preston is a large black trans woman who works as an official Warren campaign surrogate. She took to twitter to do what these people do: lie about Bernie Sanders and his supporters. They need to lie, because they are working for a candidate who is manifestly more regressive and less electable than him, but they still want to position themselves as the most radical in the field. So she lied. She said that Sanders hadn’t done anything to support gay rights since the 70’s, and that therefore it was actually good that Warren voted for Reagan twice during the AIDS crisis, because that means she grew into her present woke state.

This was all par for the course. Liars lie. Preston is paid to lie. So she lied. 

Also par for the course: Bernie supporters asking her what on earth she was talking about, and doing so politely. And then, once again par for the course, the liar claiming to have been viciously harassed by Bernie Bros, which is meant to validate the lies that warranted the response--which actually wasn’t a lie since it was just, like, sarcasm that y’all folx was too hateful to understand. 

This process has been going on pretty much non-stop since the middle of 2015. Anyone who pays cursory attention to it knows what’s happening, but the weird rules of political decorum make it so we all have to pretend to take it seriously. But yesterday there was a twist. Preston, apparently, had a bunch of semi-coherent tweets in which she said all kinds of neat stuff about Mexicans and Asians. These got posted. She reacted by saying she was kinda sorry but also still right and that it was harassment to bring up that stuff. And… that was it. Cancel Culture’s denizens applauded her apology (a courtesy often provided to those who are willing to lie about leftists). She is still employed by the Warren campaign. The incident wasn’t discussed in any mainstream news sources. The outrage over her old tweets was actually co-opted to smear those who unearthed them. 

The simple observation here was made by hundreds of people online: if this were a Sanders surrogate, they would have been fired immediately, the affair would have been discussed on cable news, and it would have been held up as proof that Sanders should drop out immediately. And when I say hundreds of people posted something along these lines, I might be understating this. The duplicity on display here is manifest to everyone who isn’t on the take. Everyone can see how rotten this is. There’s no question about it. No argument to be had. I’m sorry to say, but this kind of brazen cynicism does not go over well with most voters. It is, in fact, incredibly alienating. The people who claim universal healthcare is inherently racist and attempt to ruin people’s lives for using imprecise language can’t just turn around and demand immediate ablution for their own hateful acts. Or… I guess they can, since that’s what just happened. But they shouldn’t be able to. And the fact that she was able to, so completely and so easily, proves just how much of a shitty fucking grift this whole thing is. You don’t need to be a genius to realize that. You don’t even need to be well-read. You just need to pay a little attention and possess a little bit of self-respect. And that’s why Warren is going to lose.

[indigoire]

It Read-through Chapter Three: “Six Phone Calls”

God. One hundred pages into IT and I only just got done with chapter three. This book can and will kill me. 

Warning for racism, suicide, blood, gore, abuse, assault, misogyny, and Bill Denbrough’s shitty opinions.

Intro Chapters One and Two

Silly me thought, oh, twenty-four chapters, one thousand one hundred and thirty-eight pages, that’s about fifty pages per chapter, I can crank that out no problem. I was reading full novels over the course of a day when I was in school. Easy peasy. 

Real whoppers like this chapter have me doubting myself. I’ll probably have days where I’ll break the chapter in half just so I’m not reading for three straight hours like I was tonight. 

Anyways, on to the chapter itself. It’s really more like six chapters crammed into one, all introducing us to an individual Loser with the exception of Mike. 

Let me sum up my reaction to these intros with my own tweet, having just finished Bev’s introduction:

And like, I’ve seen the movies, I’ve read the fanworks, I know a lot of the lore. I even read past chapter three as a kid, I remember Bill’s intro so clearly now. I feel like I have my own form of amnesia, but the shitty memories I’m uncovering are of reading this book. So believe me when I say I knew going in that the Losers would be an amalgamation of mommy and daddy issues or just plain issues, anti-Semitism, misogyny, repression, trauma, long-buried PTSD, abuse…like, there’s a reason they’re Losers. 

But King feels like he needs to beat us over the head with this information. 

For example, let’s start with Stanley. Good old Stanley. Hey, did you know Stan was Jewish??? A simple mention wouldn’t be enough though, let’s throw every anti-Semitic word at the wall, but it’s okay because it’s from the viewpoint of a Jewish character, his wife. The Jewish wife can call herself a kike all day long, why not, let’s just go ahead and do that. 

Like. Come on Stephen. My notes say “at SOME point this just feels fuckin’ racist, dude.” 

Stan himself is lovely. We get to see him from Patty’s point of view (and, point of order, I just realized that all of the Losers are introduced from the viewpoint of another character, with the exception of Richie and Eddie), and Stan is a level-headed, smart, steady man. He seems to be “preternaturally confident” about his life choices, whether that’s choosing where Patty should apply to for work or starting his own accounting firm, and he always seems to find success. 

Stan also finds out about Bill and his books, but before the telephone call from Mike, before the Derry memories are supposed to rush in. Stan is reading Bill’s new book when he gets the call in fact. 

He also makes an oblique reference to the Turtle around Patty, “the Turtle couldn’t help us”, and then seems to shake it off without going into it with her. 

So. Either Stan remembered more than he let on, or something happened that made him aware. More aware than the rest of the Losers. Like, the Losers all seem to find wild success, supernatural success really, but to them it all seems to happen suddenly, at random. Not so with Stan. When Patty and Stan try to have children but can’t conceive, Stan says he knows the problem lies with him, he just doesn’t know why exactly. He then goes on to say that he’s in the eye of some storm, the calm between something terrible in his past and something terrible in his future. 

Of course we soon learn what terrible something is lurking in Stan’s future. One evening he gets a call from Mike Hanlon, telling him to come back to Derry. Stan answers the call, responds to Mike’s questions, then tells Patty he’s going to take a bath. She ends up watching TV a little too long, then realizes something is Off. She finds him locked in the bathroom with slit wrists and the word IT written in his own blood on the wall. 

The neighbors call the cops she screams so loud. 

We then move from Stan to Richie, whose name I have never been more happy to see in my whole life. Finally, finally, one of my favorite characters. Richie answers Mike’s phone call with nary a hiccup. He puts on a Voice to answer, not something silly but a sort of adult “everything’s going to be okay” Voice. He then arranges things with his travel agent and somewhere along the way he has to go back to his normal voice. “Now he had to go back to being himself, and that was hard–it got harder to do that every year.” Richie is building walls around parts of himself with his Voices, avoiding the real him. 

He does a couple of voices for the travel agent, she laughs hysterically, and he arranges his trip to Derry, and calls out of work. After it’s all taken care of, the memories start to rush back, the people, and he thinks of Georgie, with his arm ripped off, and then and only then does Richie vomit. He makes it to the toilet at least, but he empties himself entirely. He then removes his contacts. 

A rather short intro, but to me a nice reprieve. 

Ben’s intro is a lot better than I remember it being. I think I conflated it with his intro in the miniseries, where he brings home a girl and tells her about him being fat before they have sex. Here, not a whisper of that. There’s actually a bit where a woman asks Ben’s local bartender if Mister Hanscom is gay. “Mister Hanscom ain’t no sissy.” Cool. Thanks, Stephen. 

Basically, Ben haunts this one tiny bar in Nebraska in this tiny podunk “town”, where he gets to know the bartender, a Ricky Lee, very well over the years. He comes every Friday and Saturday night, no matter where he is. When he’s working on the BBC Communications Tower in London he still flies back home every Saturday to get his drinks. He never takes anyone home from the bar and he consistently tips well. The bartender enjoys his company. 

The night of the phone call, we see Ben head into the bar and there’s a terrible desolation hung over him. He tells Ricky there’s been bad news from home, and Ricky is sympathetic. He goes into some of the memories, of Bowers carving the H into his stomach, and shows Ricky the scar. He then orders a STEIN of whiskey, which Ricky, somewhat foolishly, gives to him, on the house. 

Ben then, mentioning an anecdote about the natives in Peru, snorts straight lemon juice and then downs the whiskey like beer. He then gives Ricky Lee three pure silver dollars that his father gave to him before he died. He makes mention of a fourth one that he gave to Bill…and a mysterious reference that Bill or Bev somehow used that silver dollar to save his life at some point. Meanwhile, Ricky is horrified. He keeps thinking of a bar patron that once hung himself after coming to the bar, and how Ben has the same look about him. He’s suddenly struck that Ben is dead, a dead man walking. 

But Ben walks out of the bar all the same, drives off, even while the waitress scolds Ricky for letting Ben drive, saying “he’ll kill himself”. And Ricky, who had thought the same thing not five minutes before says no he won’t. 

It’s a common through-line, the Losers being dead men (and woman) walking, everyone comments how scared they seem to be, how overwhelmed by fear, with the exception of Richie, who has no one with him, but Richie notes that he’s a dead man walking all the same. 

We move on to Eddie. In my notebook I wrote “EDDIE!!!” and immediately felt a renewed zeal to read. 

Eddie is introduced not by physical description but by what we find in his medicine cabinet. I couldn’t tell you the purpose of half of the items listed, a lot of them no longer exist, and as much as I’ve been busting out google for this book I wasn’t keen on looking up an entire pharmacy. I did note that one, there’s a lot of products for, as the book puts it, “moving the mail” (I wrote down “get the feeling Eds gets constipated a lot, needs more fiber in his diet”), and then I noted that Eddie also has some serious painkillers, along with some uppers and serious downers. You know a book was written in the eighties when “Quaaludes” gets name-dropped. 

I also wrote “Eddie is balding :C”, just so you know where my priorities lie. 

Of course we wouldn’t be able to talk about Eddie without mentioning Myra. Right after Eddie basically empties his medicine cabinet into his bag, Myra comes thundering up the stairs. Oh yeah, chalk down some good ol’ fatphobia from King. Literally every shitty character is fat in this book. 

Myra gets a bit of an interjection, though Eddie remains the central viewpoint for most of the chapter, and in her interjection she notes that she somewhat wants to trap Eddie (in the closet, jesus, very subtle) until “this madness had passed”. 

Eddie presses Myra into taking over for him in his driving business, and she hasn’t driven in years so she’s terrified, all while half trapped in his memories. He remembers his mom laying into his gym teacher for making Eddie take Phys. Ed. with asthma, but the teacher notes there’s nothing physically wrong with him. All the same, Eddie goes for his aspirator, takes a deep puff of it. 

He reflects that he knows how fucked up his marriage is, he knows he married his mother. Before he’d taken the plunge he’d placed a photo of Myra on the mantle next to his mother. He noted then that the two of them could be sisters. But he’d been weak and fallen into old habits. The jabs he could take, the jokes about Jack Sprat from his coworkers, but he really does seem ashamed of himself for taking the easier path, the one familiar to him. 

He truly cares for Myra if nothing else. He doesn’t want to hurt her in any way. Even semi-harsh words make him feel guilty and remorseful. He contemplates telling her everything, but it would only make her anxiety and distress worse. 

Also, two things of note: Eddie mentions that Myra “was really very sweet and had had even less experience with men than he’d had with women.” 👀 This and his pet-name for her, that makes her giggle to hear it, is “Marty.” I feel like this is far more telling of Eddie than the “marrying his mother” thing. He has affection for this woman, to be sure, but far more because she is safe, she doesn’t know much about men, she reminds him of familiar routines, she keeps him medicated and stable. He affectionately calls her a man’s name. 

And she? She wants to lock him in a closet to keep him safe and docile to her. 

As he leaves he briefly sees her transform (only for him, only mentally) into someone older, his mother back from the grave, “old and fat and crazy”, and a memory of his mother terrifying him in a shoe shop comes to mind. He shakes it off and asks her for a kiss, while saying to himself “if we were in water she’d drown us both.”

And then he flees to his taxi, on his way to the station and Derry. 

The next introduction is terrible. It made me so mad to read, I remember it disgusting me when I was kid, but it just infuriates me now. 

King’s only female protagonist, the only female in the Losers Club, Bev Marsh, is a walking punching bag. 

This part is told from the viewpoint of Tom Rogan, Bev’s husband, and he talks about how he got her under his thumb, how he could sense her vulnerability. And one, it reads like how every man assumes female abuse victims work, secretly wanting the abuse and having the choice to leave at any time but unable to, and two, it is some highly toxic misogynistic shit. And obviously it’s told from the viewpoint of a highly misogynistic character, an abuser through and through (who, by the way, is also fat, so there’s that fatphobia popping up again). 

But Tom knows that in times of extreme stress Bev is able to find her inner strength and push through. She becomes manic to do what she needs to do, and in those times Tom knows that his abuse wouldn’t be able to touch her. 

I filled up a quarter of a page with the words “FUCK TOM >:C” just so you know where my head was at as I read about him “teaching Bev a lesson” and beating her until she “learned”. He even knows that when he beats her she regresses back to being a child. A *gag* sexy child at that. His disgusting words, not mine. 

Of course Tom has parental issues of his own, of course! Match made in heaven. His mom beat him with a belt and he intends to do the same to Bev, put her in her place, give her a “whuppin’” as it’s phrased in the book. But Bev isn’t having any of that tonight. As Tom attempts to beat her for smoking and packing and daring to defy him, she fights back. She throws glass bottles at him and, as he gets more crazed, eventually tips the vanity on him. That isn’t even close to enough to keep him down though, so she snags the belt and whips him, first across the face, and then across the balls. Then and only then does he go down. 

She flees, shoeless and penniless into the night, and laughs once she realizes she’s out and probably out for good. My notes read “Tom can and will rot in hell.” 

Then my notes segue smoothly into “oh boy it’s Bill :|” and honestly, that could be the mood for the whole segment on Bill. 

Bill…Bill is so obviously Stephen King. Any time there’s a writer in a Stephen King novel you can bet that the writer is a stand-in for Stephen King. This is why it was amusing to me to have his cameo in It: Chapter Two roast Bill, his self-insert. I also should note that in the last chapter Adrian is noted to have been working on a long-languishing novel, and being in Derry inspired him, and just reading that made me groan. Not because I have anything against writers, lord knows, but because I know King included that detail to tie Adrian to himself and to Bill. I know it will come up later. I know King has to make every character him before he can empathize with them. 

Anyways, Bill gets the call from Mike all the way in England, where he’s staying in a cottage with his wife Audra. Beautiful, statuesque, red-haired Audra. “Why can’t you be the woman I want you to be” indeed. Not a line Bill says in the book by the way. At least not yet. 

Audra wants to know why Bill is shaking and why he pours himself a stiff drink before breakfast, so Bill begins filling her in on the details. And as he does we’re treated to memories of Bill in college, in his creative writing class. 

Now. Here is where I begin to lose patience with Bill and with King. King is clearly writing from experience. I know he had issues with his own college creative writing class. 

Basically, the class is pretentious, concerned with inserting political opinions into everything they write, going on about how war is sold by sexist capitalists and so on and you can just TELL that King is projecting hard. Bill’s works, fun sci-fi stories and mysteries, are given fairly low scores by the professor.

Then one day in class, during a period when another student is talking about her work, filled to the brim with socio-political commentary, Bill stands up and basically says that he doesn’t get what they’re talking about and “can’t you guys just let a story be a story?”

Which like, dude, okay, I get it on some level, this shit sounds pretentious as hell. But it’s COLLEGE. If you can’t get a chance to be pretentious in college then when else can you be? Also, you know for a fact that King is twisting this story to make himself look favorable, because it is clearly a story from his own past. So obviously the students have to be talking about buzzwords that have no meaning, instead of, oh I don’t know, expressing their political beliefs? Everything has politics in it dude! Even your shitty ass story reflects the political landscape of America in the eighties for fuck’s sake!! It, the novel, would not be what it is if it weren’t mired in politics. It has a lot to say about race, gender, and class, and if the message is muddled and directionless it’s only because the author, Mister King, didn’t put any thought into what he was trying to say, but rather wrote a story that was meant to shock. 

Anyways, Bill says the story thing, and it’s just the sort of malarky you would expect to see on the front page of r/braincels, with the top comment being “and then everyone clapped” because it is ridiculous. The teacher reprimands Bill, and Bill slinks out of class.

But OH BOY, Bill shows him! Because he writes his first horror story shortly after, and the story damn near pours out of him, and he brings it to class. The professor gives it an F and calls it pure pulp. 

Bill sells it for two hundred bucks to a shitty magazine, drops the class, and with the drop out note, well. I’ll let King take over here:

“Bill Denbrough staples the drop card to the assistant fiction editor’s congratulatory note and tacks both to the bulletin board on the creative-writing instructor’s door. In the corner of the bulletin board he sees an anti-war cartoon. And suddenly, as if moving of its own accord, his fingers pluck his pen from his breast pocket and across the cartoon he writes this: If fiction and politics ever really do become interchangeable, I’m going to kill myself, because I won’t know what else to do. You see, politics always change. Stories never do.”

“Bill Denbrough,” my notes read, “kill yourself.” 

The rest of the section continues with Bill falling into the lap of success with his stories, meeting Audra while working on a screen adaptation of his novel, the shoot going unnaturally well according to Audra, and his following years of success. He slowly fills Audra in on the blanks. His brother’s murder. His scars, from the Losers’ vow, which have suddenly reappeared on his hand after the phone call. How Stan was the one that cut their hands, before turning the glass on himself. How Stan at first mimes slashing his wrists, as a supposed goof, but Bill almost stops him all the same. 

He then realizes he can’t tell Audra everything about what went down in Derry, but makes her promise not to come with him, to stay away from Derry. His stutter, which has slowly crept back in over the course of the conversation, scares her into promising

““And when do I see you again?” she asked softly. He put an arm around her and held her tightly, but he never answered her question.”

With that, thus ends chapter three. 

This chapter took it out of me. It was all so familiar and yet all so new and horrible at the same time. I honestly can’t say I’m having a good time, but I’m certainly interested in what I’m reading. It’s like reading about a parasitic wasp, what it does to the host. It’s gruesome and disgusting, but you keep reading because you want to see the end result. But the fun’s only just beginning.

Catch you all tomorrow, bye for now. 

[wolves-on-caffeine]

Love bites

Whats this? A fic for you? Yep!

Hope you enjoy!

Warning: blood, agrument at end

Logan was hungry, very hungry.

Normally he kept his hunger under control, but he hadnt been able to eat and was starving.

He was desperate.

So when he saw a hooded figure walking alone past an alleyway, he grabbed them.

“Sorry.” Passed logan’s lips as he shoved the hoodie sleeve up and bit into the strangers wrist.

Logan removed his fangs as quickly as he inserted them and spit out the blood. “Whst the fuck is that?!”

The hooded figured held their wrist. “Shouldnt i be asking you that?”

Logan looked at the guy- yes that was a guy- and had to take a second to compose himself. He was….quite attractive.

“Well yes, under the circumstances that would be expected, but in my defense, i am starving and would rather not taste your blood agian. How do you live with such…such…horrid blood in you?”

The guy stared at logan in disbelief. “Ok so..your a vampire im guessing.” Then crossed his arms.“and uh, rude,much? Im anemic.”

Logan ran the definition through his head quickly, and proceeded to take out iron supplements. “Take oen of these, wait are you on medicine alreasy? probably not with how your blood taste, ill make you a doctors appointment, i will,need your name.”

Hooded guy just stared at him. “No.” He gave a smirk.

“What do you mean no?” logan was confused, wouldn’t a human want to have good blood?

Hooded guy shrugged. “ I mean im not taking medicine, and im not going to a doctor. One, I’m broke, two, what are you going to do to make me? Bite me?”

Logan shoved the supplements at the hooded guy. “Name?”

“And im going to tell you, why?”

Logan gave a smile, “because i have your wallet?” and to prove so, he held it up.

Being a 200+ year old vampire means your good at pick pocketing.

“What? How did you- nevermind.” Hooded guy held out his hand for the wallet.

“Im Virgil. Virgil Bloodgood.”

Logan gave the wallet back and made a face.

“That is the most ironic name ever.”

_______

It had been a month since Logan bite Virgil, and yes, he did find a decent meal after words, but he visited Virgil every day.

Crawling through his apartment window, logan asked. “Did you go to your appointment today?”

Virgil looked up from his place at his desk, doing homework (logan found out he is a college student) and adjusted his hoodie.

“Oh my god Logan, can you not just use the door?”

Logan stood and and closed the window behind him. “I would, but you refuse to invite me in…luckily windows do not apply to that rule.”

Virgil just groaned and rolled across the floor in his chair. “No, i didnt go. You can’t make me.”

Logan sat on his bed. “Did you atleast get the cookbook I bought you?”

“Ah yes, "how to be delicious” the cookbook. Wonderful choice. Tell me, do you get this involved with all your meals?“ Virgil played with his bangs as if he didnt just imply the biggest insult of the century.

Virgil? Just a meal? Virgil who Logan, a vampire, has to force to sleep semi normal hours because he won’t sleep? Virgil who wears long sleeves and hoodies and socks and has 20 blankets on and is still cold? Virgil who dyed his hair purple and looks so adorable? Who shows Logan shows and ‘memes’ of the new world he doesnt understand?

Logan hadn’t know virgil long, but he is way more than 'a meal’ to Logan.

Of course, Virgil does not know that, nor need to know that.

"I only wish for you to be healthy. Your blood taste horrible, and it would not kill you to go to the doctors once to get meds and supplements to help. Also, if you ate atlleast normally instead of maybe once a day, I would back off a little, but if you insist on eating only once a day then it should at least be beneficial to you and include iron or -heaven forbid!- a actual food item instead of snacks and chocolate-”

That rant did not end soon.

______

4 more months and Logan and Virgil were friends(?) In a way at least.

Now Virgil was still stubborn about helping himself, but he was at least eating Proper meals, so long as logan made them (if you want me to eat, i don’t cook-ok, i’m cooking) which lead to logan moving in so he could cook when the sun was out.

But convincing Virgil lead to some….funny situations.

“Virgil, you need to eat! I made high iron food.”

“Not hungry.”

“Virgil, you need to eat.”

“Fine ill eat.”

“Rally? i thought it would be more of a fi-”

“If it is covered in garlic.”

“…You disgust me.” And Logan carefully put garlic on it.

___

Another time: Logan had been opening the curtains so Virgil could get some sun (he stood at the side, dont worry) and Virgil hissed and hid under hai bed.

“Oh my god Virgil, im the vampire, get out and enjoy the sunlight.”

“No, you can’t make me. Sunlight evil.”

“Althought i agree with that last statement, you need vitamin D.”

“Logan, I swear, if you want me to get vitamin D so much, ill go to the sunniest beach on the sunniest day in swim tunka just to avoid you.”

Logan laughed at him. “Please Virgil, no offense, but you? in a crowded beach? ” he laughed.

Virgil glared from the bed and moved to sit in the middle of the sun beam. “Ha, now you can’t touch me.”

Logan gave a fond smile to the back of Virgil and nodded. “Oh well”

_____

“I swear Logan, if you try to take me out to get sunlight in that sun hat of yours, i will go into the hall of mirrors and leave you there.”..Logan, who was wearing a daunting floppy sun hat so he could spend days with virgil outside, shook his head.

“Common misconception, but new mirrors show relections of vampires. It was only old mirrors that had silver backing to make it reflective that wont show reflections.”

Virgil had a evil look growing on his face. “Really now?” And went to the computer.

Logan walked over and looked,over his shoulder.“what are you looking up?”

Logan read the screen and gasped. “You wouldnt dare.”

Virgil grinned and hummed as he hit a picture. “I can afford that.”

“Virgil dont you dare hit that button!”

“Aaaaaand bought!”

That was how Virgil became the 'only’ proud owner of an antique silver backed mirror.

_____

Despite all the agruments, they did get along pretty well.

______

“Logan, what happened to the french in the 1800s?”

“Virgil, just because im over 200 years old doesnt mean i know everything.”

“Ok yeah but what happened?”

“Oh well what happened was-” and Virgil had an essay so good his teacher had him stay late to ask if he cheated. And he didn’t! Technically.

______

“Virgil, you forgot to do laundry again.”

“Oh shit, sorry, I forgot. You need your red polo tonight don’t you?”

“Don’t worry about it, i just wanted to inform you that i took care of it and you need not to worry about it. Also.” Logan threw a blandly at Virgil. “I put this in the dryer for a while. You enjoy when they are warm, do you not?”

Virgil cocooned himself instantly, and snuggled into the warm blanket.

“Your the best lo. What can i do to thank you?”

Logan gave him a smile, “maybe….go,to the doctors,tomorrow?”

Virgil,groaned but sighed. “One appointment! No,more.”

____

“Ok, so i say the meme,,you tel me what it means. Ready?”

Logan gave a determined nod. “Yes, i am ready.”

“Yeet.”

“To throw something, or a way to agree or show excitement.”

“Two bros.”

“Refers too two men who were in a hot tub at a large distance, who are not gay. A tragedy.”

Virgil laughed a bit. “Ok ok.. Free sha vacka do.”

“Fresh avocado spelled wrong, a 'mood’ if i am correct.”

Virgil gave Logan a high five. “You’re doing good, Logan!”

Logan smiled at Virgil. “Why thank you Virgil.”

_____

Virgil knocked on Logan’s door at 4 am.

Logan,opened in second, wide awake.

“Virgil? You should be-”

“Asleep? Yeah, but my room is cold, and I have a test at….3 pm today so I’m worrying.”

“Ah yes…may i ask how i am suppose to help?”

“Let ms sleep in your bed with you.”

Logan couldn’t fight the blush. “W..what?”

Virgil walked in and laid on his bed, messing up the perfect sheets as he did so. “I’m cold. Cuddle me.”

Logan stood at the door blushing. Ok so..sleep deprived Virgil is brave, no filter Virgil. Got it.

“I hate to disappoint, but i do not have a body heat to warm,you with,”

“Oh my god, are you going to cuddle me to not?”

Logan slid into the bed beside Virgil obediently and blushed. Virgil, as promise,d cuddled up to Logan and managed to get back to sleep.

Logan could not sleep. Not with the cuteness beside him, instead he carefully planted a kiss to the human’s forehead and smiled.

_____

“Are fangs sexy to vampires?”

Logan was..not expecting that. They were watching Steven Universe, when did fangs pop up?

“I..im sorry but..how did you come to this question?”

Virgil shrugged,sliding into the blankets more. “I’ve kinda been thinking about it for a while..cause you are pretty hot and..fangs add to that. So, as a human, i find fangs hot. But like..do other vampires find fangs hot?”

Logan stared at Virgil. He thought Logan was hot? Well perhaps…

“Well vampires do tend to see fangs as..flirtatious or..intimate…. I..personally..do prefer…flatter teeth myself.”

Virgil blushes and Logan could see the tip of a smile behind the blanket.

“Oh, ok.”

____

2 more months an Logan finally confessed. It was…messy.

Virgil and Logan had been having an argument over his need to have more iron, but it was..getting out of hand.

“I don’t want,to fucking eat that!”

“I know you like this food, you said this was your favorite and it is high in iron!”

"Why can’t you fuck off about my iron!“

"Why can’t you just eat without complaint for once!”

Virgil had grabbed Logan’s tie and pulled him down to eye level. “Will you stop treating me like I’m a fucking farm animal your waiting to chop up and eat! Quit treating me like your fucking meal!” Virgil had let go and backed up a bit, glaring daggers at the vampire.

Logan had to process everything. The argument, the closeness, the tie pulling,

'Your fucking meal!’ Rang in Logan’s head.

Logan grabbed Virgil by his hoodie and slammed his lips onto him, ignoring the tiny drops of blood he got from his and Virgil's lips alike (it was crushed kiss, fangs got in the way a bit)

Breaking the kiss, Logan glared. “You haven't been 'just a meal’ to me! Your sarcastic and honest and fucking gorgeous! You make my heart beat and my head spot working! I want you to eat and take care of yourself because i want you to be healthy, not so I can drink your blood! I love you Virgil, why can’t you see that!”

Virgil’s small squeak is what broke Logan out of it. He let go of his hoodie and backed away quickly, shock on his face.

“Virgil I..i am…"he took a breath, trying to force himself calm. "I apologize, my actions were not…they were uncalled for and I am Sorry I did that-”

“Did you mean it?”

“What?”

“Did you mean it when you said you loved me?”

Logan blushed and steeled himself, trying to prepare for the worse. He gave a nod. “I..I do love you Virgil…in a…romantic sense.”

Virgil seemed to relax a bit and rubbed on his bleeding lip. “Well…it would have been nice to be asked first, but….I’m glad.”

“Huh?”

Virgil walked over to Logan and grabbed his tie, gently pulling him in closer and giving him a soft kiss.

“Love you too.”

I loved this! Thank you so much!! I always love receiving fanfic, especially from you. ~S

[simonjadis]

Previously, on Dragon Age

I wrote a summary of all of Dragon Age (pre-Inquisition) off of the top of my head, including contents from a couple of novels, for a friend of mine

it’s 18 pages but here you go

Previously, on Dragon Age (pre-Inquisition Summary)

Backstory:

It is said that long ago, the humans who formed the early Tevinter Imperium grew jealous of the land and magic of the ancient elves and their city of Arlathan, so they used blood magic and demons to fuck up Arlathan forever and made those elves into slaves. The Imperium is one of my problematic faves. With the elves defeated, Tevinter expanded and conquered most but not all of the other human tribes.

The dwarves had their underground kingdoms and underground highways called the Deep Roads and they were just sort of that squidward suntanning meme about it all.

Later, some magisters, who are just fantasy senators who are all mages, decided: “Hey, you know how the Fade is the world of dreams, the realm of spirits, and it's also the source of our magic? Let's go there.” So they used a stupid amount of slave blood and lyrium—which is a blue substance that's mined and can be bonus fuel for magic, just like blood—to go into the Fade physically trying to go to this one tantalizing “golden city” in the Fade that's unreachable in spirit form, which is how normal mages who aren't The Most use the Fade. Anyway, it was a disaster. These seven magisters, who had been trying to serve their slumbering dragon gods by doing this, came back as super gross tainted creatures called darkspawn. The darkspawn went underground, wrecked shit for most of the dwarves, and came up with a horde of darkspawn.

This was called the First Blight and it wasn't as fun as it sounds. The darkspawn weren't content to just be directionless asshole monsters, and instead dug up—and tainted—one of those sleeping old gods that the Tevinter Imperium worships. So you've got this big-ass fucked up dragon with god-level powers, whatever that means, and it's also infected with the darkspawn taint. Oh, and even when the army works to fucking kill it, it just respawns, like it's the main character. So eventually, some clever folks came up with grey wardens, who are sort of inoculated against the taint, and because of Reasons they can kill an archdemon (fucked up dragon god).

Unfortunately, it turns out that having a live reenactment of The Return of the King right in the middle of your expanding empire is terrible for the economy. So the Tevinter Imperium was weakened. Oh, it's worth mentioning that they have good relations with the dwarven kingdoms in general, but most of those huge dwarven cities are just full of darkspawn and dwarf ghosts and obligatory video game spiders now.

However, a woman in Ferelden, which was never fully tamed by Tevinter—it's sort of old-timey Fantasy Britain, so picture Mud And Dogs And Freedom—named Andraste was like “hey this would be a great time to marry a warlord and to become Fire Jesus.” She's sort of inspired by Joan of Arc but she's just Fire Jesus. Anyway, she invented monotheism, which always ends well, and her warlord husband led their barbarian hordes to fight back against the Imperium. Also some elves helped because she promised to free the slaves. Eventually, her husband betrayed her (cue the “Judas, no!” vine) and she got burned to death, but the Archon who ordered that to happen put her down with a sword to be merciful. So large portions of southern Thedas, which is the continent where this is set and THEDAS is literally THE Dragon Age Setting, were suddenly freed from Tevinter thanks to barbarian hordes and a weakened Imperium.

That was like a thousand years ago.

There were some more Blights. The Fourth Blight was centuries ago and an elven twink named Garahel killed that Archdemon but honestly his sister was cooler.

Andraste's religion, the chantry, is super racist against elves and even led a crusade (“exalted march”) against the elven homeland because Bad And Naughty Non-Human Polytheists Must Be Cleansed. The Imperium still exists but they're stuck in the past and still have slavery and lack forward momentum tbh. But at least they're a magocracy. The chantry reveres Andraste but technically prays to the Maker, even though there's zero evidence that the Maker exists. In general, the chantry doesn't like mages and essentially owns all non-illegal mages who have to go live in internment camps called Circles, which are like Hogwarts if you had no choice but to go there and could only leave with special written permission and also if you were watched at all times by guards with special anti-magic powers. Templars are awful. Mages who don't go there or who escape are called apostates and technically they're supposed to be arrested but a lot of the time, templar squads hunt them down and kill them because that's easier.

Mages, it's worth noting, can be possessed by spirits and demons from the Fade. If they are, they're normally considered to be abominations which are dangerous and templars then kill them. But also, every Circle mage has to pass something called the Harrowing which is when they deliberately trap you in the Fade with a demon that will try to possess you. If you want to opt out, they make you Tranquil, which robs you of your magic and also your agency and emotions and dreams. In some Circles, templars use Tranquility on mages whom they view as political troublemakers. So that sucks. But some of these internment towers are nicer than others, I guess.

These days, the Tevinter Imperium has its own chantry which is very mage-friendly but otherwise worships the Maker. The biggest religious moment for them is when their Archon (mage-emperor) put Andraste out of her misery. Just about everywhere else follows the southern chantry, which is more anti-mage.

The Dalish elves are just the sad Trail Of Tears elves and they're regarded with suspicion and move from place to place to avoid human settlements. They worship the elven gods. Most elves live in cities, howeer, in ghettos called alienages, and they have a few distinct traditions but for the most part they're expected to worship the Maker—but aren't allowed to be part of the clergy or anything, heavens no.

Dwarves in the dwarven kingdom of Orzammar (one of only two cities that endures) revere their ancestors and believe that the Stone guides them all. They also honor paragons, which are just really good dwarves that did neat stuff one time. Surface dwarves generally “lose their Stone sense” and some may even follow the chantry.

Then there are the Qunari, who live mostly on this island north of the Tevinter Imperium. They want to conquer everyone and make them follow the Qun, which is their absolute garbage religion where everyone's life is planned out for them in advance. Even the leaders don't have real choices; they just live their lives according to what the Qun demands of them. Qunari believe that there's just one choice—whether to exist or not. People they conquer who won't yield are given a substance that turns them into drooling laborers. Qunari regard mages as dangerous things (literally call them saarebas, for dangerous thing) and use them as weapons instead of as people. They kill non-qunari mages because they consider them too dangerous.

Qunari refers to both the race of tall, gray horned giants and also to the adherents of a religion. Incidentally, they only arrived on Par Vollen a couple of centuries ago, after the Fourth Blight, so they're not super familiar with darkspawn. They immediately tried to conquer everyone, and they have some deadly technology like cannons to make that a real threat. But the opposition was a bit much and they don't like that people seem to want to die rather than, uh, become enslaved to a book, so they decided to back off but it's clear to everyone that they're just biding their time. They're still at war with Tevinter, though, and the two keep juggling who controls the island of Seheron.

Qunari who leave the Qun are called Tal Vashoth and it may be that the tall gray horned people as a race are called Vashoth but that's not clear, in game or on Twitter and maybe not even in the writer's room.

Aside from Tevinter and the Qunari, the most powerful nation in Thedas is Orlais, which is just Fantasy France. They're very into Andraste, there. Also, big into anti-elven racism. And pastels.

The only non-Andrastian humans seem to be certain people in Rivain, a city of people with brown skin and a lot of pirates. And, of course, the Avvar, who are sort of Fantasy Vikings and still follow the same polytheistic faith that pretty much all of Ferelden and the Free Marches once followed.

DRAGON AGE: ORIGINS

It's 9:30 Dragon, so 930 years since the foundation of the chantry. The Fifth Blight has begun at the southernmost point of Thedas, in a part of semi-uncharted Ferelden known as the Korcari Wilds. You're in Ferelden.

If you pick the mage origin, you can be an elf or a human (Surana or Amell is your surname), and you go through your Harrowing and help your disaster friend with his bid to escape the Tower. That doesn't go so well but you get recruited to the Grey Wardens because you're the best apprentice mage there.

If you pick the non-mage human origin, you're a Cousland, part of a powerful noble family in Ferelden. Your brother leaves to help the king as he prepares to confront the darkspawn. Your father is due to leave soon. Thankfully, is good friend Voiced By Tim Curry has arrived and will be accompanying him. Everyone goes to sleep and you can even do a gay hookup, but surprise! Voiced By Tim Curry isn't so nice and his troops attack the castle while so many troops are away. You and your battle-mom and your pet dog (super-intelligent mabari hound) murder your way through a whole bunch of people but, like, your sister-in-law and your nephew are murdered and your dad's dying so you join the Grey Wardens. Your mom also dies but she probably kills a lot more people before the end.

If you pick a Dalish elf, you and your friend go into a ruin in the woods and there's a tainted mirror and, whoops, the only cure is to be a Grey Warden.

If you pick a City elf, you're getting straight-married in an arranged marriage when Vaughn Urien comes by because he's a disastrous garbage guy who wants to rape some elves since elves don't have rights. He kidnaps the bride (which might be you) among others. Whether you're the bride or the groom, you're like 90 pounds of pure murder, so you kill a whole bunch of humans and free the women, but one might be dead. Also, the groom dies if you're the bride. You're arrested and then a Grey Warden is like “this elf is great at murder, you say?” And he conscripts you to join the wardens.

If you pick a dwarven noble, which I saw once, your rude brother is murdered by your smart brother, who frames you for it, so you have to be cast out in the Deep Roads to die fighting darkspawn. But a Grey Warden comes by and recruits you.

If you play a dwarven outcast, who live in the slums of Orzammar, I don't even know. You do some dwarf crimes? Dwarves can't be mages.

ANYWAY, a warden named Duncan has recruited you to join the Grey Wardens. He takes you to Ostagar which is a semi-ruined fortress way to the south where King Cailan and Teyrn Loghain are waiting. King Cailan is like a Ken Doll with long hair. He seems to be a beautiful idiot whose father was a hero and, gosh, he'd love to do some hero stuff too. Teyrn Loghain is literally just Scar from The Lion King but less sexy. Loghain is his father-in-law. Also, Cailan and Queen Anora have zero kids.

There is literally a strategy meeting where Cailan says “It will be glorious” and Loghain says “Yes, Cailan. A glorious moment for us all.” So that's great to hear.

You're the warden recruit and you're paired with a couple of redshirts who are also warden recruits. You're paired up with Alistair, an awkward 20-year-old virgin jock whose heart is as big as his penis.

You do some minor quests and you fight darkspawn for the first time and they're awful. You get to cure a sick dog. Also, you meet Morrigan (a shapeshifting mage voiced by Claudia Black) and you even meet her mom, Flemeth, who's voiced by Kate Mulgrew and is clearly more powerful than she seems. Anyway, you head back and you go through the Joining. Duncan tells you that you have to drink a concoction that gives you the taint but in a safe-ish way, but half the people who drink it die. He tells you that you must “master your taint,” and I've seen this scene two-dozen times and never not snickered. Both redshirts die. But you're a warden now.

Now it's time for the Battle of Ostagar, which sure looks cool but, uh, doesn't go so well. The wardens are massacred. The king dies. Whoops, did Loghain forget to charge forward when he got the signal? He sure did. Half the army just opted out of the Battle of Ostagar, which is hard to sell as a strategic retreat because of his ominous dialogue earlier.

The Battle of Ostagar did feature some survivors who were with the King's army, but most were massacred. Or dragged underground by darkspawn.

During all of this, you're the one who braved a tower full of darkspawn and faced an ogre boss fight with Alistair and two new random guardsmen redshirts to light the signal that fucking Loghain ignored because he was too busy being prepared for the coup of the century and for the murkiest scam.

In the end, though, darkspawn burst in during a cutscene and just riddle you and Alistair and (gasp!) the redshirts with arrows. But then you wake up . . . in Flemeth's hut. You're totally healed. You're also naked. Life's like that sometimes. Anyway, Morrigan jokes that her mom transformed into a giant bird and plucked you and Alistair from the tower, which is probably a half-truth. Flemeth also healed you and Alistair. Flemeth is powerful enough that her magic can somehow keep darkspawn away from her house. I have no idea how she casts with Whoopi Goldberg spell but she's very powerful and clearly more than just a mage.

Flemeth sends Morrigan, who is a delightful goth who's still understandably bitter about having been homeschooled, along with you and Alistair. If you either chose the Human Noble Origin and got a dog that way or if you did the Cure The Dog stuff at Ostagar with one of the other origins, you find that this dog imprinted upon you and escaped the carnage. You can even name this dog. Remember the disaster mage friend from the Mage Origin? His name was Jowan. My Surana Warden names her dog Jowan.

Alistair is still sad about Duncan, who was his mentor or substitute father figure or whatever. Morrigan quotes the wise words of Gillian Anderson: I don't feel sorry for men. Anyway, you guys go to a village called Lothering and you see how news of the disaster at Ostagar is impacting people. There are refugees everywhere. The local lord abandoned his holding because it seems likely that the darkspawn horde will strike there next. People aren't sure that this is a proper Blight, because nobody's seen the archdemon, but Grey Wardens can sense it and you even see it in your dreams a couple of times. You do some quests in Lothering. You also find out that there's a bounty on surviving grey wardens, because they “betrayed the king,” according to Loghain. You're joined by a bisexual fwonch redhead named Leliana who is super into Fire Jesus but ALSO super good at murder because of her Mysterious Past. She believes that the Maker sent her a dream to tell her to help you. Sure, Jan. You can also recruit Sten, which is technically a rank because Qunari don't have names. He's in a cage. He also doesn't have horns because horns are too hard to render with helmets it's a rare trait to be naturally hornless and is akin to being a redhead in humans.

Leliana has been working for the chantry for a while but hints that her pre-chantry skills will help her kill folks. Sten wields a big ol' sword. Alistair discovers that the man who raised him before shipping him off to the chantry, Arl Eamon of Redcliffe, is sick and that knights have been sent to find the Fire Jesus version of the holy grail, which is just Andraste's ashes, for a miracle cure. As you leave, you rescue a couple of dwarves, one of whom is a savant at adding runes to weapons and the other of whom is a merchant. They'll follow you and show up at party camp from here on out.

You have Warden Treaties so you can go and remind factions that they're obligated to help you, but there's a smart order in which to do them. I'll just go with that.

First, you go to the Circle of Magi in Ferelden, which is on an island tower called Kinloch Hold. There are stat power-ups here that are more helpful in early game than later in the game. You want to secure the help of the mages, natch, but you get there and find out that, whoops, a Senior Enchanter named Uldred isn't as nice as his name makes him sound. So Uldred led a small rebellion against First Enchanter Irving and the other Senior Enchanters because of some deal that Loghain was making with Uldred. Long story short, whoops, a little bit of magic fights turned into a Demonstravaganza and the whole tower is a mess with abominations running all over. The templars are ready to use the Rite of Annulment which is when they kill every mage, including the children, but they need reinforcements to do so. You go in and you find Senior Enchanter Wynne, a Wine Grandma and skilled healer, protecting a bunch of apprentices and other survivors. She insists on going with you to cleanse the tower so you have to shuffle someone out of your party to accommodate her. You kill demons, a few renegade blood mages, abominations, possessed corpses. Then you get to a sloth demon who lulls you all to sleep so you do the Lost In Dreams thing but, if you're a mage, the Fade is your bread and butter. You do some simple puzzles and you get some permanent stat upgrades and you rescue your friends from some dreams. Alistair has a happy boring family life because he's just a golden-hearted jock. Wynne is like “oh no! All these apprentices are dead and it's my fault. Woe is me.” Morrigan's dream is just her not being fooled even a little bit and yelling at her spirit to at least do a better job if it expects to make her believe that she's at home with her mom. So you escape from the dream and the sloth demon's dead now and you keep on going. You kill some mind-controlled templars.

At the end, Uldred has a bunch of mages captured and he tortures them until they accept possession and become one of his fellow abominations. Uldred sees you and after some Villainous Dialogue he turns into a Pride Demon. You kill him until he dies and then First Enchanter Irving and the others are free and are like “yeah sure we'll help against the Blight but, um, first we need to clean up this mess.” There were some other survivors hiding in wardrobes and stuff so it's not like the Circle's all dead.

You leave and you'll notice on your map that Lothering has now been wiped out by darkspawn. Then you go to Redcliffe because not only is Alistair's other surrogate father figure sick, but he could be helpful in raising political support from the bannorn (lesser nobles; in Ferelden, it's the king, then the teyrns, then the arls, then the banns) against Loghain. And you guys are fugitives. Speaking of you guys being fugitives, there's a random encounter in the road where some lady's like “oh no! Help!” and it's a trap. And the leader of that trap is an assassin—a blond elven murdertwink named Zevran Arainai. You kill the fuck out of these would-be assassins but then there's a cutscene and Zevran's like “oh fuck you're scary; can I join you? I was literally bought by these assassins as a child and have never had any choice about this and also they'll kill me for failing, but you seem good at killing them, ALSO I'm bi and hella good at sex things.” Beyond his sluttiness he's basically Puss in Boots from Shrek. So yeah, you can recruit him.

Alistair will tell you that, whoops, it might come up, but while he knows Arl Eamon and views him as a father/bother figure, his actual dad was . . . King Cailan. The dead one. He is, in this and most other circumstances, just Smiley John Snow.

Then you're in Redcliffe and, whoops, the town is besieged by the undead each night. “But where are they coming from?” you ask. From Arl Eamon's castle. There are some quests you can do in town in the day to help everyone get ready. At night, everyone will be locked in the chantry while you fight off the undead outside. The fighting lasts a while but, I mean, they're just corpses with weapons so you kill them. Personally, I always kill Lloyd, the owner of the local tavern, because he's rude and he gropes his waitress Bella, who's very pretty and nice. You have to intimidate Lloyd into joining the fight, then make sure that he's caught in one of your area of effect spells. Anyway, you saved the day, but they all thank the Maker that they lived.

Then you sneak into Castle Redcliffe via a hidden passage through a windmill. Inside, the arl's son is possessed because it turns out that he was a secret mage and the arl's wife, ashamed of this, didn't want anyone—even her husband—to know. So she hired an apostate to tutor her son in magic. That apostate was Jowan. And, as Jowan tells you when you find him, Loghain, whom Jowan only knows as the war hero from years ago, learned of it and hired Jowan to poison the arl. The arl fell ill and the arl's young son, Connor, struck a deal with a powerful Desire Demon to keep his father from dying. That demon is now running amok.

From this point, you have a number of choices. You can, um, just kill this kid, if you want. You can have Jowan sacrifice the kid's mom to use blood magic to send you into the Fade to face this demon. Or you can ask the Circle mages, who owe you a favor, to help send you into the Fade. (Technically, if you're not a mage, you control a mage like Morrigan to do the Fade bit). So, the Circle sends you into the Fade. If you're playing as anyone but yourself, you kill the Desire Demon. If you play as yourself, you can also strike a deal. She can teach you blood magic, which unlocks the blood magic school for all mages in all future playthroughs. You can even save, make that deal, and then reload and choose a different boon. Anyway, her deal is that you don't kill her and she'll fake her death, making it seem that you've cured Connor's possession. And that she'll then come back one day.

But even after you save Redcliffe, the arl's still sick. And everyone seems really sure that the ashes of Fire Jesus are going to help, even though that sounds extremely fake.

If you haven't done so already, this is a great time to get Shale.

You buy a control rod off of a random merchant, which sends you to Honnleath, a lovely little town that's been overrun by darkspawn who are busy murdering the inhabitants. In the center of the town square is a “statue” posing like that guy saying “ART” in The Iron Giant. You kill some darkspawn and then you find where the survivors are huddled behind a magical barrier in the workshop of a dead mage. The survivors are glad that you're there, but this little girl has gone deeper into the Magical Experimentation Basement and everyone who tries to go after her has been killed by magical defenses that didn't seem to notice the girl. You get to the end and fight a Desire Demon named Kitty who's possessed the girl. You tell the guy that his daughter's dead and he gives you the activation code for the golem while you leave him alone in his grief. You still saved everyone else. Anyway, you awaken Shale, who is absolutely wonderful and I cannot emphasize that enough.

Shale hates pigeons because everyone would if they've been stuck in statue form for 30 years. Shale refers to everyone as “it” and “the its.” Shale is big and strong and made of murder and, as you later find out, was once a dwarven woman who was sacrificed to give life to a golem. In fact, she volunteered.

Okay, so after some side quests, you head to a quiet little horror movie village called Haven where nothing is fine.

Technically, there's some intrigue and shenanigans beforehand with some people trying to kill you that tips you off that Haven is a sub-optimal vacation destination, but once you're there, that becomes much clearer. You hear a child's horrifying nursery rhyme that sounds an awful lot like it's about luring a traveler to his death. You go into a house and there's blood on an altar and Morrigan says that it's human blood, and she would know. You go into an inn and make some purchases from the innkeeper, which is good, because as soon as you try to sneak a look into the back room, where there happens to be a Redcliffe Knight who's been tortured and murdered, the guy attacks you, which closes the store. Once you leave the inn, the cultists all drop their act and you kill them a whole bunch. Then you go up to their version of a chantry, which isn't any worse than a regular chantry but it does feature some bad dudes whom you kill.

In a secret side room in that chantry, you find this huge nerd named Brother Genitivi who writes about his nerdy travels because he loves geography and anthropology and stuff. He's injured but he comes with you and helps you enter the Temple of Sacred Ashes where Andraste's remains are allegedly interred. Leaving him to study what it feels like to have frostbite in a ruin at the entrance, you go in, killing cultists and some other things, including ash wraiths. You even kill some young dragons, which are like wolf-sized, and some boy-dragons called drakes, which are more like the size of polar bears. There are lots of traps and there's lots of treasure, and eventually you talk this cult leader named Kolgrim into escorting you to the Temple.

See, Kolgrim worships “the risen Andraste,” which is just a high dragon that he's decided is Andraste 2.0. Haven apparently was once just the regular sort of Andrastian cult before Kolgrim's ancestor went through a dragon phase and everyone got on board or died. Well, Kolgrim wants you to mix the ashes with dragon's blood from Andraste II, but the Temple's guardian won't let him or his followers pass. This is the easier route, and he even persuades the dragon to let you guys pass through her valley.

You have to chat about your feelings with a dumb ghost (the guardian) before you enter the temple proper. If you have Oghren with you (he's a consummate dwarf in the worst ways; picture Yosemite Sam with an axe), he will comment that he can feel lyrium throughout the temple, and that maybe it accounts for why stuff here is so strange and magical. The Guardian may have been some sort of Spirit of Faith or even a Spirit of Compassion who assumed the role of a devoted person when he died, but that's just speculation. There are some magical trials that you have to pass, such as Fighting Yourself, Solving Riddles, and Getting Naked. All important tenets of Andrastianism, surely. At the end, you find an urn with a dead lady's ashes in it. Since pouring the dragon blood into the urn has some less fun consequences, you really want to avoid doing that and just take a pinch of the ashes. When you leave (and there's a great XP bonus bug here, at least on PC, that you can exploit from here on out to level up quickly if you need to), Kolgrim is unhappy and tries to kill you, so you finish killing the cultists.

You can kill 2 Andraste 2 Furious here if you like, but it's probably better to do so later. High Dragons are a lot.

Oh, Brother Genitivi is totally excited to tell the whole world about this find. If Morrigan is with you, she will point out the obvious—that the chantry is likely to try to use this to leverage even further influence and power over the land. Genitivi cannot be convinced to stay silent, but you can murder him, which I have done every time.

You head back to Redcliffe and it turns out that what Morrigan calls “digging up the bones of a madwoman” was somehow the right call, as it does enable a healer to restore Arl Eamon to health. He's like “sure I'd love to help you against Loghain but you need to finish your treaty stuff.” Oh and he names you Champions of Redcliffe, which would be cool for a normal person but most people forget when they're listing the Warden's eventual titles.

Leliana has a personal quest to kill Marjolaine, her former lover who trained her in murdersinging (sorry, the bardic arts). You do that.

Morrigan has a quest for you to kill her mom, because she's discovered that Flemeth lives forever by possessing her “daughters” and Morrigan would like to keep her body, thanks. Flemeth knows why you're there but decides that she's going to make you work for it, even though she says that she'd be interested in seeing what Morrigan will do with her freedom. Then Flemeth turns into a dragon and you have to fight and kill this dragon without Morrigan's presence. All things considered, this if Flemeth going easy on you.

Your romance should be progressing pretty well at this point, and you may have even banged one companion and moved on to another at this point. If she likes you, Morrigan will give you a willpower ring that will let her find you if you're in danger. Leliana will probably have done something nice but I've never done that romance. Zevran gives you an earring that he took off of some hot guy he murdered as an assassin. Alistair gives you a rose and also his virginity.

Okay, so now you go to Orzammar, the dwarven city. It's one of TWO surviving dwarven kingdoms. There used to be, like, 12, or a similar archetypal number, but the darkspawn ate got rid of them. Orzammar was the only officially known one, but there's another called Kal Sharok that we've never seen in game except in text form. Kal Sharok has some serious goth vibes to it. Also, they hate Orzammar because Orzammar survived by cutting themselves off before it was too late back when the darkspawn first starting ruining things for everyone.

Anyway, Orzammar. There's political strife there because the old king is dead. There's currently a political battle between the late king's son, Bhelen, and the late king's trusted adviser and friend, Lord Harrowmont. Harrowmont is a traditionalist, but Bhelen is a populist who also murdered his own brother and framed his other sibling, leading to that sibling getting sentenced to death. The fandom has a bunch of opinions on this.

When you first enter Orzammar, you see a scuffle between loyalists of these factions, and some Bhelen Bros do some killing. Not a great first impression. Long, long story short, you have to Stop All Crimes in Orzammar and also fight as a gladiator on Harrowmont's behalf to give him a boost to try to make him king. Which is great, but Bhelen pulls some nonsense, so the dwarven Assembly that chooses the next king is deadlocked so they need a Paragon—dwarves revere ancestors and The Stone but they also revere their equivalent of Nobel Prize Winners even if they're shitty people. So Harrowmont says that he'll give you all of the help that you like . . . when he's king. But he can only be king if you find the Paragon to break the Assembly's tie.

Oghren, who is just drunken dwarven Yosemite Sam but he's voiced by Zeb so it could be worse, is married to Paragon Branka, who's been missing in the Deep Roads for years. So he insists on coming along with you.

I should note that no one should bring Shale too far into the Deep Roads (ancient darkspawn-infested highways, but don't worry, there are also giant spiders) because certain choices may lead to Shale fighting you. Also, in Orzammar itself, there's a dwarf who wants to open a chantry in Orzammar, a place untouched by Andraste-worship, and I consider it an oversight that the devs did not give players the option to tip him into some lava. There are some other people who ask you for favors.

Two of the best rings in the game are in Orzammar. One is the Key to the City and you get it by nerding out with codex entries. The other is Lifegiver and it just really, really helps your health in a way that no ring has since then. You can also visit Dust Town, where outcast dwarves live. You have to, in fact. It's even worse than regular dwarf places.

Speaking of worse than dwarf places, the Deep Roads. You go there and they're horrible carverns full of monsters. Darkspawn, giant spiders, and these things called deepstalkers that are shaped like little dinosaurs but are really just horrible worms with limbs. But while the Circle Tower was filled with stat boosts that make you more powerful, the Deep Roads make you rich, bitch.

You go through a number of thaigs, which are smaller dwarven settlements that they refer to as “like colonies.” But of course they're full of monsters. Also some ghosts? But dwarf ghosts. Ultimately, you find out how darkspawn are made, and it's awful. Every darkspawn that you see was born from a human or elf or dwarf or even qunari with a uterus who was dragged underground and turned into a big ol' Body Horror Ursula that can spawn thousands of darkspawn in her lifetime. So you kill the one that you meet.

Then you find Paragon Branka. It turns out that she's an evil lesbian who left Oghren behind but took her actual lover, but ended up sacrificing the people with her so that the women would be made into broodmothers because, despite being a genius, she was unable to get past Paragon Caridin's traps that protect The Anvil of the Void, which is used for the lost art of creating golems, the ultimate anti-darkspawn weapons. She wants to use it to reclaim territory long since lost to darkspawn. You fight your way through the traps because it's kind of a puzzle but mostly just a murder-puzzle, and then you reach the Anvil. At this point, you meet Caridin himself, who is a giant steel golem and he's like “hey so I invented this a long time ago, but you have to murder a dwarf to make one, and after we plum ran out of volunteers, the king at the time started sending prisoners and his political enemies and I got weirded out so he had me made into one but, whoops, he didn't make a control rod for me.”

This is why you don't bring Shale: Shale will help Caridin, and personally, I always side with Branka even though she's a nightmare, because recovering the lost art of making golems seems worth it. It's not like there's any shortage of bad people in the world and the Warden slaughters hundreds of people anyway; this is just a more practical use for those lives.

Once Caridin is dead (when you get back to camp, you pick the lie option with Shale), Branka's like “hell yeah” and makes you a crown for whichever king you like. She gives zero fucks about politics. You come back, turn in a bunch of quests, and Bhelen and his Bros make a fuss so you kill them real good. Harrowmont is crowned and you're honored forever. Harrowmont makes it clear that he knows where his bread is buttered, and he pledges the dwarven support against the Blight. So now the mages and the dwarves are ready to help.

You head to Warden's Keep, which is where you learn some neat old history and make some choices. Personally, I befriend an ancient blood mage warden named Avernus who's amazing at summoning demons but not so great at controlling them. He helps you and you get a potion from him that gives you some DLC powers but mostly I just like him.

This is probably a good time to swing by Denerim and visit The Pearl, their best brothel. For some quests (long story) but also to meet Isabela, an important character and also one who knows Zevran very well. They are two peas in a pod and she's a delight and you can have a threesome with her and Zevran. Or her and Leliana. Or her and Alistair if Alistair has been hardened. Anyway, it's great, and Dragon Age 2 will remember that if you import this save.

There's some Denerim stuff to do but mostly it involves fighting Rundown Backstreet Boys, and you head to the Brecilian Forest to find a clan of Dalish elves. They're nomadic, and they're led by Tuvok from Voyager who was also the principal on iCarly. He's kind of grumpy but he's 300 years old, which is very unusual for elves who live human life spans. But since they say that elves were once all immortal, they figure that he's just, like, reclaiming his roots better than most. Somehow. Anyway, he's the Keeper of that clan so he's both mage and leader. Turns out that these elves are fighting some Big Sexy Werewolves. Eventually, Principal Tuvok gets you to promise to kill Witherfang, the boss wolf. There's a whole lot of nonsense in the forest including an entire set of Haunted Evil Armor that you can earn but it's not that great tbh. Wynne's old student is hiding in the woods also. You learn about the elves and the Creators, their small pantheon of gods whom they worship but they believe that they were sealed away by the Dread Wolf, their trickster figure who's regarded as a sort of devil but still honored. Oh, the Dalish have tattoos. It's worth noting that this is not the same clan as the Dalish Warden's, if that's your origin.

Also, there's a guy and girl trying to find love, and you can play matchmaker. You can also bang one or the other. You can bang one and play matchmaker. Video games are great.

So, you go into an old ruin where the werewolves are like “yeah okay we'll take you to our leader.” Yeah, they talk. Swiftrunner does most of the werewolf talking because he's the sexiest.

A naked planet lady spirit with POWERFUL Tilda Swinton energies about her is Witherfang, but they call her The Lady Of The Forest. She reveals that Principal Tuvok cursed some humans centuries ago by binding the spirit of the forest with blood magic and linking that spirit to a curse. So he turned a local spirit that was mostly just chill and, like, “hey look, trees” into a naked plant Tilda Swinton who is basically the horcrux to the werewolf curse. At the same time, Principal Tuvok (whose real name is Zathrian, btw) is also a horcrux to the curse, which is why he's lived so long. You fight him but you force him to lift the curse in the end. These werewolves, descendants of the bad humans from 300 years ago, are turned back into wildly less sexy humans. Tilda dies (really she just returns to her former state, maybe in a lesser form). Tuvok dies. The elves are chill about it though since their own people who were infected with the werewolf curse are cured.

So now the Mages, the Dwarves, and the Dalish Elves have pledged their support. But you need the human majority to form an effective army against the looming darkspawn threat, who by this point have razed like half of Ferelden. Oh, you can stop by Ostagar for some Closure and some cool gear too. It's snowier now.

Now it's time for the Landsmeet in Denerim. You go to the Arl of Denerim's estate where you learn that Queen Anora, Loghain's daughter and Cailan's widow, is being held captive by Arl Tim Curry so that she can't oppose her father's plans. Tim Curry has been doing Loghain's dirty work because he's a fucking monster, and Loghain's been giving a stupid number of titles to him.

Anyway, Anora's maid offers you some guard uniforms so that you can sneak in to see Anora, but, fun fact: you can't call the guards if there are no guards.

By this point you're an absolute nightmare to fight. My Warden uses blood magic to immobilize and damage entire rooms, then roasts the immobilized victims. It's a delight. The entrance to the torture chambers is in Tim Curry's bedroom, so that tells you a lot. You find a guy name Riordan who is a fellow warden from Jader (in Orlais, fantasy france). He's naked and not up for helping yet so you keep on killing some folks. You resolve a couple of quests while here, then you kill Tim Curry. It's what she deserves.

You rescue Anora, but then Ser Cauthrien, Loghain's warrior lady, comes with a small goddamn army to arrest you. You can apparently surrender but literally why would anyone ever surrender? Ser Cauthrien is a goddamn nightmare to fight; they should have just sent her against the archdemon she could fucking solo it. Anyway, her escorts die in fire and blood super fast, but she takes a while longer, but I always have two healers for this so you take her down in the end. Then you meet Anora back at Arl Eamon's.

Two things happen there. One, Anora tells you that her dad is doing some fucked up scheme stuff in the alienage, which is the elven ghetto. Two, you guys need to think about how you want the Landsmeet to go. For most players, the Best Ending is going to involve marrying a hardened Alistair to Anora. She's super competent, he's both nice and of royal lineage. A perfect combo.

Now you go the alienage, where there's a “plague.” That plague is in fact just a cover for some slavers from Tevinter to bring in new elven stock. They are paying Loghain a tremendous amount of gold to fund his civil war (not everyone was chill with him usurping the throne, natch) in exchange for who knows how many slaves. The elves figure that something is wrong but it's under the guise of a “quarantine” and they're elves, so it's not like they have rights.

But might makes right, so you show these “healers” your permit (it's murder) and then you kill your way through and free the slaves who were just about to be shipped off. That cuts off Loghain's flow of gold and also it's a thing that you COULD bring up at the Landsmeet, but the human nobles won't so don't.

Okay, so it's the Landsmeet. This can go down a few ways, but the best thing is to mention selective things after having curried favor with the right nobles during your Denerim shenanigans. Denerim is just the capitol city, if I didn't mention it. So one noble will be like “yeah Loghain had my brother tortured” and while Loghain will blame things on Tim Curry, it doesn't look great for him. Anora also puts him on blast.

At this point, it becomes clear that Loghain is paranoid that this is all an Evil Orlesian Plot because like 30 years ago Orlais had invaded and were shitty to Ferelden. Well, Orlais is under new management and Loghain is just a dick.

The Landsmeet votes, and Loghain wants to duel. If you're marrying Alistair and Anora to each other, you should do the duel. Only if you're planning to marry Anora (as a male Cousland) should you let Alistair duel Loghain, as Anora is fine with deposing Loghain but a little squeamish about marrying the dude who cuts off her dad's head.

Just as you're about to behead Loghain, Riordan comes in and is like “oh we have the stuff to do the Joining, we could make him a warden??” And the game let's you say no but doesn't let you yell obscenities at Riordan for even saying something so stupid to you. Because Loghain was a hero once but he's, um, the worst.

Like, Zevran tried to kill me, but only once, and that was before he knew me. I have limits on how many times you can try to kill me, and all of Loghain's attempts were after meeting and speaking with me. Avada Kedavra, bitch. (Keeping Loghain alive has various consequences and I don't want to get into it)

So after Loghain's beheaded, everyone makes haste to prep to fight the darkspawn, which involves rallying the bannorn at Redcliffe. You fight some darkspawn there, but it's not the main horde.

In the mean time, Riordan is like “oh by the way, Warden and also Alistair, whichever one of us kills the archdemon will also die, that's the only way to keep it from respawning.” So fuck. But then you go back to your room, and Morrigan is there because she's WONDERFUL. Anyway, she did know this all along, but she knows a magic sex ritual referred to in the fandom as the Dark Ritual. If a Grey Warden knocks her up that very night in this ritual, she'll conceive what the fandom calls an Old God Baby. Basically, the zygote will bear the taint (even though wardens can't usually reproduce at all), and when the archdemon is slain, she can draw the no-longer-tainted soul of the tainted old god into her womb and create a healthy, non-tainted child with the soul of an Old God. “Some things are worth preserving.” I agree but also I'd never turn down Morrigan, so I do it because I make good choices.

If you're a lady warden, you have to talk Alistair into it, which is just delightful. He and Morrigan don't get along but he takes one for the team.

So, after this, everyone marches for Denerim, where the darkspawn horde has headed. Denerim's seen better days. It's on fire. The archdemon is there, and it looks like a fucked up dragon with, like, some kind of spiky cancer? It's not good. It breathes purple fire which is honestly goals, though. Riordan manages to damage the dragon's wing during the battle, but then he dies. Alas.

But his sacrifice makes the archdemon need to land on the top of this huge-ass fortress, so you just have to murder every darkspawn in the city and the every darkspawn in the fortress until you get on the roof, where you fight the archdemon.

Your recruited allies are fighting along with the human army, of course. You can call for help on the rooftop. Personally, I call the mages because they're my boys. Anyway, you do eventually kill the archdemon. You can choose in advance who should do the killing blow, and if you didn't do Morrigan's ritual, that person dies. Yes, you can order Alistair to die.

Then there's a celebration. You can ask for a boon from King Alistair (I always ask for the teynir of Gwaren, which was Loghain's but he's dead now). Sten is going back to Qunari lands and Shale is planning to adventure with Wynne.

DRAGON AGE: ORIGINS: AWAKENING

Gonna keep this one extra brief. Like, six months after you ended the Fifth Blight in like a year, where most last decade at least, some new talking darkspawn show up in Amaranthine, the former arling of Tim Curry, which Alistair has granted to the Wardens. You head over to take over and the castle is under attack, which is honestly kind of funny because you killed an archdemon six months ago and you haven't gotten LESS powerful since then. Awesome Lady Who Will Die helps you fight, and you encounter Anders, an apostate mage who's a talented healer, and Oghren, who for some reason couldn't just live his dwarf life and had to show up in this fucking expansion, who's decided to become a Grey Warden.

So you kill darkspawn and you encounter one of these talking darkspawn which is unsettling, because that's not normal for these things. Once the castle is purged, Anders and Oghren take the Joining and so does Awesome lady Who Will Die, but she doesn't make it.

Oh, remember Arl Howe (Tim Curry?). Well, he had a son named Nathaniel who is real good at archery and sneaking, and he tried to break into the castle to kill you before you even arrived. He's under the impression that his dad was killed for, like, political reasons, and not because his dad was a fucking monster.

In a creepy forest, you meet Grey Delisle As An Angry Elf Mage and recruit her because she's trying to find her sister. You meet the Architect, a weird darkspawn spell-caster whose design is unique and who seems like a huge nerd. You even get the impression that he means well. But he does not join you, for sure.

In a haunted fucking swamp called THE BLACKMARSH there was this awesome Orlesian baroness who lived there but was Bathorying it up to stay young, and she cursed the whole place, but to be clear it was already called THE BLACKMARSH, fuck. This is the place where you find out what a BLIGHT WEREWOLF is and I cannot emphasize enough how absolutely unacceptable that is to me. You fix all of that stuff but it's still THE BLACKMARSH. Here, you met a spirit named Justice (it's literally an embodiment of Justice) that eventually possesses the corpse of a fallen Grey Warden.

By this point, it's clear that there are two factions of intelligent, “Awakened” darkspawn. One works for something called The Mother, the others work for The Architect.

You go into the Deep Roads (ahhhh) to an abandoned thaig that was used for making certain types of special golems back in the day, but is now full of darkspawn of course. You meet a member of the Legion of the Dead, a group of dwarves who hold a funeral service when they join because they exist only to fight darkspawn. Her fellows were slaughtered and she ran and feels weird about it but you let her join you and she becomes a Grey Warden, too.

During all of this, you're making political decisions and sitting in judgment and shutting down a rebellion by local nobles and doing some city quests in Amaranthine proper. (Amaranthine is on the northern coast, by the way)

Well, The Mother's forces attack the city and it's awful but you kill them. You go to fight her, and you can let the Architect help you. I can kill him but . . . eh. Oh, by the way, he can fly.

The Mother is a broodmother who was once human. The Architect “awoke” decades ago and was like “hmmm, why are other darkspawn so fucking dumb?” And he discovered that he could make them drink Grey Warden blood and it would give them awareness and, like, personhood. But when he tried it on a broodmother, who was not born a darkspawn but made that way, she was full of agony because she could no longer “hear the song.” So she's just being awful and lashing out.

(lots of things, from certain mind-control magic to lyrium to the call of the old gods, is referred to that way)

It is revealed during the final fight against The Mother that the Architect accidentally caused the Fifth Blight when he tried to safely awaken that Old God without tainting it but accidentally tainted it in the process. Shucks.

You kill The Mother and the day is saved. Again.

DRAGON AGE II

Remember the (doomed) town of Lothering that you visited in Dragon Age: Origins? Well, there was a buff af person named Something Hawke there who had younger siblings (twins) named Bethany and Carver. Bethany is a mage, Carver hits stuff with a sword, Hawke can be male or female and any class. No matter which Hawke you choose, they're a ridiculous disaster.

(Mine is a male mage)

The Hawke family's mages (your dead dad, Bethany, and anyone with a mage Hawke) are all apostates. Bethany and Hawke have never seen the inside of a Circle, and they've all hidden in plain sight in Lothering for all of their lives.

Carver is a buff warrior guy but he has a huge and arguably well-deserved inferiority complex from being Hawke's baby brother and, let's face it, from not being a mage in a family that has mages.

Bethany is absolutely darling and extremely easy to get along with. Just, like, be nice and don't oppress anyone.

The game stars with all three siblings and their mom (Leandra) fleeing from the Blight back in 9:30 Dragon. Darkspawn are on their heels. You fight mostly hurlocks, but then you run across a Big Strong Ginger Woman named Aveline and her husband, who is a templar but he's too Dying of the Blight (contamination caused by darkspawn blood) to care that Bethany and perhaps Hawke are mages.

Unfortunately, you guys eventually fight an ogre, and darkspawn got a redesign after Origins, so ogres are no longer quite as sexy as they once were. Anyway, if you are a warrior or a rogue, the ogre murders Carver. If you play a mage, as I do, Bethany gets murdered before your eyes, which is why I waited a year before playing DA2.

You also have to euthanize Aveline's dying husband because otherwise he'll either die super slowly or, more likely, become a ghoul which is just a tainted person who feels compelled to serve the darkspawn. It's gross.

Then even more darkspawn attack, but then a big ol' dragon flies in and roasts them and then shapeshifts and it's . . . Flemeth! She's no longer dressed like a poor old lady but like someone's slutty battle-grandma and it's amazing. Flemeth talks to you for a bit and then makes a deal with Hawke—you take this little necklace that's Totally Normal to Keeper Marethari of a Dalish elf clan that's near Kirkwall, since you guys are headed to Gwaren to catch a refugee ship to Kirkwall (a city-state in the Free Marches, which is north of Ferelden across the Amaranthine). In exchange, she'll escort you across Ferelden, incinerating any darkspawn that give you trouble. That's one hell of a deal.

You arrive at Kirkwall, which still has huge statues of slaves in anguish everywhere. The city was once the center of the Tevinter Imperium's slave trade, and it is full of yikes. The city's Circle is on an island fortress called The Gallows where slaves were broken, so the mages are, uh, not living their best lives. Like, there's no such thing as a good internment camp, but this is probably the worst one. It's gonna come up a lot.

So, you're a refugee, and there are plenty of people in Kirkwall who are like “Ferelden isn't sending their best. They're sending crime. They're sending drugs. They're rapists” etc so the gates are shut. But your mom's whole reason for coming here is because she's from Kirkwall, and she's like wait I have a brother who lives here and his name is Gamlen. Well, Gamlen is no longer a noble even though their whole family was. He is in fact a a gambler, which has to be where his name originates, right? So he lost the Amell Estate (her maiden name was Amell, the same surname as a human mage Warden) and he lives in a little hovel in part of Kirkwall that's called Lowtown. So basically, you make a deal to work as either a smuggler or mercenary for one year to get into Kirkwall and to get a Fantasy Green Card. Oh, and you're working off some of Gamlen's debts in the first place. Nice uncle.

Fast-forward one year, and it's the beginning of Act I. You're done working off your debt, but you're like “wait . . . I need a job, fuck.” You, your sibling, your mom, and your mabari hound (not a companion character this time, but an NPC whom you can summon into battle as a battle pet) are all living in Gamlen's little hovel. However, a smooth-talking dwarf character named Varric Tethras, recognizable for lacking a beard but having chest hair instead, has a proposition for you. He and his shifty, President Business brother are going on a Deep Roads expedition, and by now, Hawke has worked up a reputation for himself while Carver has impressed fewer people. Classic Carver. So he says that if you become an investor, you can come along and split the reward. Oh, Varric has a Super Advanced Crossbow straight out of, like, Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters.

If you've played The Witcher, Varric is just the gem fusion of Zoltan and Dandelion. He's a dwarf who talks too much. But he's also good at business. He's a surface dwarf. Very likable.

Well, you set about trying to make money. One thing that you also need is to contact a rumored Grey Warden in town. By this point, the Blight has been over for months and the legend of the Hero of Ferelden has spread to the local NPCs. You go into Darktown, old mining tunnels and sewers beneath the city where the homeless live, where a rumored Grey Warden apostate mage has set up a clinic to heal the needy. It's Anders, from Awakening!! He's a little—a lot—more serious, now. He still loves cats. Also, remember the spirit of Justice? He lives inside of Anders now, but it's voluntary.

You also recruit a pirate named Isabela. She's my favorite companion in DA2 because she's a treasure. Her ship crashed in Kirkwall a while back . . . around the same time that the Qunari shipwrecked and Kirkwall just gave them a walled off part of the city by the docks to live. Hmmm.

Aveline now works for the city guard, making her ideal for Kirkwall/Brooklyn Nine-Nine comparisons, and she'll help you with her sword and shield. She's great.

You also end up going to visit the Dalish to fulfill your end of the bargain. You recruit Merrill, from the Dalish Elf Origin Warden. She's the Keeper's First (apprentice) but Keeper Marethari is sending her away because she keeps trying to restore what the elves have lost, and Marethari doesn't trust Merrill to not fuck it up and doom them all. Which is unfair, because Merrill is WONDERFUL.

Merrill helps you fulfill your deal with Flemeth so she takes the necklace up to this cursed as fuck mountain and Flemeth pops out of the necklace. It was a horcrux. Remember when you “killed” Flemeth in Origins? Surprise bitch. Anyway, Flemeth has some vague things to say to both Hawke and Merrill and then she just jumps off the mountain and turns into a dragon to fly back to Ferelden to do whatever it is that terrifying dragon-witches do for fun.

Merrill, by the way, is a blood mage. Which is to say that she uses blood to improve the power of her spells and to perform some spells that an ordinary mage cannot do. Good for her.

You also recruit Twink Wolverine. He's a brown-skinned elf with platinum blond hair and lyrium tattoos all over his body which gives him special powers and he lost his memory as this special magical metal was implanted in him but now he can kill people by ripping out their hearts.

You get a quest from a handsome blue-eyed fellow named Sebastian, but he is arguably the least fun person that anyone has ever met in their lives. He'll join your party in Act 2. He was noble-born and he used to be a huge Party Slut but now he's dedicated to the chantry but not entirely a part of it he just really likes Grand Cleric Elthina but he's torn because his family back in Starkhaven (another city-state in the Marches) has been murdered so he's like Do I Love Fire Jesus More Or My Responsibilities???

You reclaim the deed to the Amell Estate, which by the way was never Gamlen's to sell he's just a little shit. Your home was bought by slavers because it's connected to an extensive wine cellar that they could use to smuggle captive slaves out. How nice. Anyway, that'll be great once you have money again.

Eventually, you amass enough gold to buy in to the Deep Roads Expedition. You get to choose which characters come with you, which is great, except that your choices are actually pretty limited. First of all, Varric is coming along, so there's your rogue. Anders is a Grey Warden, so it only makes sense for him to come along, and he'll be very important later. Finally, your sibling. If Carver stays behind while you spend weeks underground, he'll join the templars. Ostensibly to protect you from within, but really because his life is directionless and he's, bless him, stupid. Worse, if Bethany stays behind, she will be captured by templars and brought to The Gallows. The game does not dance around how absolutely appallingly awful the lives of the mages are there. Better for her to risk her life in the Monster Tunnels than get carted off to Sexual Assault Island. If you bring a sibling to the Deep Roads, you absolutely must bring Anders.

On top of those very practical reasons for taking a Varric-Anders-Carver squad, Merrill is used to living in the woods and Isabela gets claustrophobic and Aveline has a real job. Fenris could come, sure, but you'd have to leave someone behind and that sucks.

So, you explore for a while, and Varric's brother, President Business, is grumpy about everything. After a lot of exploring, you guys find a room with a curious red idol. President Business takes it and locks an old, rock-solid dwarven door to trap you guys in so that he can reap the profits. His name is Bartrand by the way and anyway he sucks. So you guys have to find your way out, which means a lot of fighting and nonsense. You do find some Big Treasure so that's cool, but not as cool as living, so you need to make it to the surface.

Unfortunately, Carver starts to get sick towards the end. The darkspawn taint. Not wanting him to die, Anders will guide you to some Grey Wardens and you persuade them to take him and give him the Joining before it's too late. But Carver leaves your party. By the way, DA2 is actually evil because when someone leaves your party, they just take all of the equipment that you were wearing, so you'll want to save often and, when the time is right, just strip Carver of his weapons and equipment.

So you return to the surface without your twin but you, um, hope he lives. But you're rich, bitch. President Business has fled, presumably with his riches. And you now have lots of money and move into the Amell Estate, which is now the Hawke Estate. Your mom is happy-ish. Honestly, the game was rushed, but I wish that the interior of the estate had been less symbolic because it's only like three rooms. You go into similar buildings elsewhere in Hightown and they're huge and nice and have courtyard gardens. Anyway, that's all fixed in Dragon Age Inquisition. And in our imaginations.

Act 2 begins, and you can get Sebastian to join you. He does Archery for Fire Jesus. The big issue this time around is the Qunari. They're still here. It's been three got dam years and they're still just loitering in that one part of the docks. Fuck. Also, the Viscount's son Seamus is almost certainly getting fucked by one and the Viscount is just like “look it's fine that he likes Big Horned Bois but it looks bad because the Qunari aren't Andrastian.” This bitch Sister Petrice also keeps trying to rope you into doing “good stuff” but surprise, it's bad stuff. Anti-Qunari sentiments are riding high. Seamus dies. Petrice dies. There are other shenanigans.

In Act 2 you can finally romance people. After three years. The timing of things in this game is odd and also Fenris is extremely difficult to romance for no good reason. He, by the way, is still on the run from his former owner, a Magister who gave him his tatoos. Again, Fenris is literally just Twink Wolverine on the run from Weapon X. Fenris, Isabela, Anders, and Merrill are all bi romances. You can choose whomever, but feel free to headcanon a beautiful poly thing going on with all of them. Sebastian, by the way, is a chaste romance for a female Hawke who sides with templars. Mind you, this isn't an ace romance, this is explicitly an “I'd love to bang you, I would, but Andraste doesn't want me to be happy” arrangement.

The biggest event is that a magical serial killer (for whom you've searched before) kills your mom. His name is Quentin and he cuts off her head and sows it onto a Frankenbody and is like “ah, yes, finally I've made my perfect wife” and so you have to kill him and then your frankenmom has a few moments of agonizing awareness as she dies in your lap. Fuck this.

By the way, Gamlen visits sometimes but he doesn't even live in the estate with you. Lol.

There's some other stuff. Hawke cleans the streets (murders thugs) on behalf of the Friends of Red Jenny, a mysterious organization for whom The Warden also once did a favor. Hawke explores the Wounded Coast, earns a stake in a mine called THE BONE PIT by killing the problems that arise there, and enters the Fade to help a young Dreamer mage. Those are mages who are just super good at Fade stuff. You help some mages with freedom stuff. There are also some Tal Vashoth (ex Qunari) hanging out beyond the city but some of them are up to no good because they've never been allowed to make choices before and aren't making good ones.

You help Isabela recover something from a former acquaintance, and then she leaves you. But she's wonderful and can do whatever she likes.

At the end of this Act, you have the unenviable task of making a demand of the Arishok. Because these qunari who have washed up here, though they haven't explained why they're here, are there with the head of one entire branch of their government. The Arishok is the head of the Qunari military, though of course he's every bit the slave to the Qun itself as everyone else. When you insist that he turn over some criminals, he's like “you know what? I guess it's time to murder everyone” so the Qunari go on a Big Horned Boi rampage and kill lots of guards. In the end, Hawke and Aveline and the templars and mages fight their way to the Viscount's Keep, where the Arishok has taken the Viscount's head. They're planning to forcibly convert the entire city-state but, if you think about it, they didn't have the numbers to hold that forever. It seems like the Arishok, who like all Qunari believes that existence is the only real choice, was committing suicide because he'd failed on his real mission: to retrieve the Tome of Koslun. Since the rules prevented him from returning empty-handed but he was losing his damn mind in Kirkwall, he waited for an excuse and went for it.

Isabela comes back and gives him her secret prize—the Tome of Koslun, which she had stolen to begin with and that's what she had when she and her Qunari pursuers were shipwrecked during a thunderstorm. She lost it and the Arishok didn't have it so they were both in limbo. Anyway, now Isabela's like “here's your fucking sacred book leave please, look at me I'm responsible!!” and Hawke's heart fills with joy but the Arishok is like “cool also we're taking Isabela we're gonna, you know, torture her until she dies or joins the Qun probably” so he and Hawke (if Hawke has earned his respect, which he has) will duel and it is TERRIFYING but you win eventually. You get declared Champion of Kirkwall just as Knight-Commander Meredith of the templars comes in. She's like a combat Jessica Lange if that makes sense. You can basically see the Kill Bill sirens going off in her head as she sees you getting celebrated by the nobles. She's the head of the worst group of templars in all of Thedas, so she's about what you'd expect. She's less openly sinister than some of her subordinates, because she seems like a true believer. More of a Mike Pence than a Ted Cruz, if that makes sense.

Act 3 technically has a lot of content (you see Carver again, now a Grey Warden—you also saw him during the Qunari thing—and you see Nathaniel Howe, also a Grey Warden) but it feels like it goes by faster than the previous two. This one is all about Mages VS Templars. Obviously, people are welcome to RP any kind of characters they like. Maybe one who would oppress innocent people for political capitol or whatever. But this isn't a “gray morality” situation. Literally one group is imprisoned for being born because they are, as people, potentially dangerous. The other group isn't a law enforcement group, they are literally just internment camp guards, with a side of a-youth-pastor-who-is-also-a-cop.

There are a couple of big DLCs, however. One is Mark of the Assassin, where Felicia Day thoroughly explores the Uncanny Valley as Tallis, an elf who serves the Qun. She wants you to join her on a HEIST. And Hawke is like “sure! Fuck rich people!” but Hawke is a rich people. Anyway, you go to Chateau Haine to a big ol' party by a fancy Orlesian noble, but this chataeu is in the Vinmark Mountains so it's still in the Free Marches. You're genuinely a guest. You seduce the host's son so that Fantasy Felicia Day can get some keys or something. There's a wyvern hunt. You fight some little gremlin things called ghasts that come up so little that you wonder if they're canon or just something that Hawke hallucinated. But in Inquisition, Blackwall mentions them in a bit of party banter, but you only hear that if you voluntarily take Blackwall to many places, so . . . I sure didn't hear the line. I just know that it exists. It turns out that Tallis lied to you, and this Heart of the Many thing isn't a gem, it's a list of Qunari sleeper agents throughout Thedas and your host is planning to auction it.

Now, fuck the Qunari, I'm fine with that, but she says that some of them are just retired. And technically, Iron Bull would be one of them, so whatever it's fine I guess. You fight some Tal Vashoth but also kill your host.

The other DLC is more Plot Important, because you and Carver are both being targeted by mercenaries who want to kidnap you because, like the Red Cross, they need your blood. Unlike the Red Cross, they're probably not a shady organization that can't seem to account for the donations that they receive. They're just straightforward kidnappers.

Anyway, some Bad Dwarves hired them to kidnap you, and these dwarves have lost their got dam minds and also have been drinking darkspawn blood to deliberately taint themselves because they've been hearing the call of some entity. You end up helping an old Grey Warden named Larius or something like that. See, Malcolm Hawke, your dead dad, was once kidnapped by Grey Wardens and forced to reinforce some old blood magic seals on a magical prison. No Grey Warden could do it. So he did and they let him leave. Now, these bad guys need your blood to break these seals. To solve this, you enter the prison level by level, discovering in the process that the reimagined darkspawn known as genlocks in DA2 are less like squat little hurlocks and are now more like magic-resistant gorillas. Yikes. Anyway, there's another Grey Warden faction in play but it doesn't matter. You reach the end and there's a unique-looking darkspawn who, in his dreams, had been trying to draw you to him. He was imprisoned during, like, the First Blight by Wardens in this special magical prison. His name is Corypheus, and he says that he was one of the Magisters Sidereal who entered the Fade in the flesh and found the Golden City empty, and felt tricked and betrayed by the Old Gods. He had been High Priest o Dumat. Now he's just super confused. He does get his wits about him and fight you, and it's one hell of a fight, but then you kill him. Then you see Larius walking away with a sinister smile for the camera. So, you know, that's fine.

Back in Kirkwall, the mages-vs-templars thing is even more intense because Meredith is the worst. Did I mention that Cullen, from Ferelden, is part of Meredith's group of templars? He's super anti-mage at this point because of what happened in Ferelden and he actually says “mages are not people like you and me” to Hawke. First of all, awful. Second of all, hilarious when speaking to a male Hawke. Anders has been doing Underground Railroad stuff which is more and more popular as the treatment of mages gets worse and worse.

Oh, and there's a haunted house where President Business was for a while. Varric has his brother, driven mad by the red lyrium idol, sent to a sanitarium, but it's clearly dangerous stuff and left a house feeling haunted.

Long, long story short, Meredith tightens her fist even further (all mages are confined to their rooms at all times, basically, and more and more are made Tranquil every day, it seems). But First Enchanter Orsino feels that he has no choice but to go along with it because otherwise she'll just kill him and maybe everyone else. Well, this is when Anders blows up the chantry with Grand Cleric Elthina, who's just sort of letting all of this play out instead of taking action, inside. Anders' goal is to force the mages to fight off their oppressors instead of going quietly to either die or to continue to live like this. Anders then offers to let Hawke kill him. You totally can, but my Hawke is always like “lol know I just wish you'd told me so that I'd know that I was helping you, but I get it.” Sebastian wigs out and vows revenge but literally who cares.

Meredith declares the Rite of Annulment, which is when you kill every mage in a Circle, including the children. Anders is not and never has been part of the Kirkwall Circle but that's hardly the point. You all go fight to defend the mages. There's a stupid thing where Orsino turns into a boss fight because EA felt that they needed another boss battle, but that's dumb. Anyway, you fight off Meredith and then you learn that she purchased that red lyrium idol from President Business and had it fused to the hilt of her sword. Templars use regular lyrium to fuel their anti-magic powers, but red lyrium clearly has different effects.

Meredith is the final boss fight, and her sword makes her tough to fight. It also lets her animate some nearby statues. Sure. She turns into a red lyrium statue at the end. Yikes. You guys can leave on Isabela's ship.

Varric has told all of this to his interrogator, Cassandra Pentaghast, a Seeker who answers directly to the Divine. Cassandra meets up with Leliana, who also works for the Divine, perhaps partially out of wlw solidarity. They're looking for the Champion of Kirkwall (Hawke), but just like the Hero of Ferelden, he seems to be missing.

DRAGON AGE: ASUNDER

A novel. In it, Wynne's son who is a mage and spirit healer like his mom (from whom he was separated as an infant because the templars are the worst) is in the White Spire, the #1 Circle of Magi situated in Val Royeaux, the capitol of Orlais. Unfortunately, there have been mysterious murders said to be carried out by some sort of Ghost Twink. Turns out, it's a boy named Cole and he's not invisible, he just makes people forget him. But Rhys, Wynne's son, remembers him. Everything is stricter now because of what happened in Kirkwall. So, a brief summary:

-Cole the Ghost Twink is a spirit who took the form of an abused boy mage who died because templars literally forgot that they'd locked him up in his cell. The spirit didn't know how to help him so it just became him. It's been killing people who want to die, which is a huge bummer.

-the Divine secretly ordered a Tranquil to investigate whether or not Tranquility could be cured. It can be

-Grand Enchanter Fiona, Wynne, and Shale help start the Mage Rebellion, which spreads all across Thedas and includes the knowledge that Tranquility can be cured. Shale personally smashes the phylacteries that templars would be able to use to track down mages when they leave.

-the Templar Order and the Seekers leave the chantry because they feel that the Divine is too soft on mages

-a nice templar (relatively) named Evangeline falls in love with Rhys. She gets killed but Wynne, who held a Spirit of Faith in her ever since the Bad Events in the Ferelden Circle during the Blight, transfers that Spirit of Faith into her to save her. Wynne dies but Evangeline lives.

-the current Lord Seeker is planning to crush the mage rebellion. Cole kills him. It's what he deserves.

DRAGON AGE: THE MASKED EMPIRE

A novel. Empress Celine is Orlais' ruling lesbian and she encourages art and scholarly pursuits and enlightenment. She, too, dreams of expansion—like any responsible ruler—but she wants to do it with diplomacy and alliances and the economy instead of just smash-stabbing. Briala is her elven spy chief and also her lover since they were both young. Her bodyguard is Ser Michel de Chalons, a skilled swordsman obsessed with honor and harboring a “terrible” secret. Her rival is her cousin, Grand Duke Gaspard, and he wants to Make Orlais Great Again by conquering Ferelden and Nevarra and beyond.

Michel's “terrible” secret is that he's, gasp, of elven lineage. Biologically, half-elves are just humans. This is meaningless but Orlesian culture is ridiculous and humans are even more ridiculous.

Briala's mentor for many years has been a mage named Felassan who is himself a spy and, despite his tattoos that would indicate that he is Dalish, really doesn't seem to be Dalish at all.

Well, Gaspard outs Celine's relationship with Briala, which causes a scandal. He then ambushes her and her forces while she's vulnerable, but does not succeed in taking her. Eventually, Briala, Celene, Gaspard, Felassan, and a couple of others are separated from their armies and go on an adventure through an eluvian, an ancient elven mirror. Gaspard is honorable but, like, having a code doesn't make you a good person, dude, it just makes you lawful evil. However, Briala and Celene have a falling out, Michel betrays Celene because of his own dumb honor code, and a Dalish clan gets wiped out by a demon named Imshael who insists upon being called a “Choice Spirit” instead of a Desire Demon. There's some really cool magic and lore stuff in this book and I strongly recommend it.

Anyway, Celene makes it to safety, but without her bodyguard or her lover/spymaster. Briala gets control of the Eluvian network (well, part of it) and plans to use it to instantly move groups of elves from place to place to make things better for her people. (Celene has gone out of her way to be pro-elf, by the way, largely from Briala's influence)

Felassan tells Briala goodbye and goes and sleeps and enters the Fade. An unidentified entity approaches him and asks if he got the access to the eluvians. He replies that he did not, by choice. The unidentified entity kills him instantly.

So there's an Orlesian Civil War going on and the elves are capitalizing on it (or trying to) during the Mage Rebellion and also there are some Other Shenanigans.

PS: at one point Imshael possessed a Dalish mage named Mithris. She appears in Inquisition, like many of these characters. But not Felassan because he's dead.

And that's what you missed on Glee.

[samanthasroberts]

21 People Reveal The *Very* NSFW Scene They’ve Run Into In Broad Daylight

1.

Saw a lady accidentally drop her baby face-first in the street.

The baby was not pleased.

2.

So, lived in New Orleans for a while. Worked as a bartender on Bourbon St. I was leaving work around 6:30 am. The sun was coming up and there was a fairly decent mix of people either just starting their day, or going home. One of the strip clubs closer to Canal St. has pictures of scantily clad women on the outside of the building.

There was a homeless guy, pants around his ankles like some little kids do at urinals, straight up dick in his hand jerking it in broad daylight in the middle of the sidewalk to some of the pictures on the building. Did not make eye contact and quickly went to the other side of the street. In hindsight, the sidewalk was probably his bedroom, so…

3.

Homeless lady spraying liquid shit all over a wall.I was walking down the street, rounded a corner, and there she was.

4.

Mine was a Chinese tourist who didn’t want to wait in line for the bathroom, not even in the washroom but right across the hall from it.

5.

I used to live in a second floor flat with an ex girlfriend and the flat overlooked the back garden of the pub next door. One evening I’m in our bedroom and hear a load of noise coming from the pub garden.

I peer out of the window half expecting there to be a fight or at least something of an aggressive nature happening since it was a pretty dire pub. Instead I see a semicircle of people cheering on some stripper who is in the midst of losing her clothes for some guy who’s sat in the middle of this semi circle and on one of the pub benches. Once she’s lost all her clothes she then bends over, arse to the crowd, unzips this guy’s trousers and gives him a blow job right there in the garden.

This was not the most surprising thing. What surprised me the most was while she was bent over, one of the guys watching turns to his mate with a big grin (I can’t hear what anyone is saying, only the cheering)…he then walks up behind the stripper and proceeds to slide the neck of his beer bottle into her pussy and bottle fucks her with no warning whatsoever…

I expected her to immediately back up, slap him and leave. Instead she writhes around and takes it with pleasure, a lot of pleasure! At some point during this show, I’d called the ex into the room and when we proceeded to have a good ten minute show from our bedroom window. That was an entertaining evening!

6.

This was in NJ. I remember before I got my car I would have to take the bus to work. One day it was as usual, I was just sitting about midway in the bus on the right side, next thing you know some guy comes on, pays his fare and sits down.

He proceeded to take his hat off and dry shave his head (he had a hair length of what you’d expect after no shaving for a week, not long) with a razor that looked like an old disposable. I look at him in awe as he’s shaving his head bare like that and I begin to see blood just coming off the parts he shaved with the other parts just being spotted patches of hair.

By the time his stop came, he was bleeding quite a bit, and he just put his hat back on and got off. After that day I never sat down on any public transportation and have also stood up since. Never again.

7.

When I was 11 I saw a junkie get beat to death by two guys with clubs outside of my dad’s apartment.

8.

While on a business trip to Brazil I saw two homeless guys fucking while doing crack in the middle of the sidewalk in a very busy street.

9.

Man vomiting in a bag, grabbing the chunks of food from the vomit and eating it back again.

10.

Another client in the long term adolescent rehab facility I was in went defiant for a few months. Lots of crazy things during this time, but the best (worst?) was out in the parking lot one day.

We’ll refer to him as “D.” D intentionally let wild diarrhea loose which promptly vacated the legs of his shorts and soaked the ass area. D then starts pulling it out of his pants, off of the pavement and back of his leg, and starts throwing it at us, occasionally applying a streak here and there to his own face. Staff of course came after him to subdue and sedate him, and their pursuit was met with spicy molten shitsquirts. There was something really poetic about watching social workers in christmas sweaters tackle and restrain a young man covered in his own shit. You could’ve put “Yakety Sax” behind the whole thing.

D later (like, 2 months later) apologized to the group. He gave weird details in his apology, including the amount of Hot Sauce he intentionally consumed with his breakfast in his cereal that day for the desired effect. The fuck.

11.

Watched a seemingly normal older man walking his medium sized dog, dog stops, takes a dump on the sidewalk and he bends down and picks it up with a napkin and takes a big ole bite out of the turd and continues walking and eating his fresh dog log. I shit you not.

12.

Guy was high on something and came to the factory totally out of it. Too fucked up to work the assembly line, so they had him breaking down boxes with a box knife. He put one box on his thigh, and proceeded to cut a 2 foot long cut through the box and into his inner thigh without noticing it. Well, unless you consider passing out to be noticing.

13.

After school one day (which is close to work I guess ) which was 7th grade I saw a kid stab another kid in the stomach 3 or 4 times with a butcher knife

14.

No nudity involved, but on an NYC subway, very crouded, rush hour, a man clearly had his hand down a womans skirt, and she was biting her lip.

15.

Worked on a court case of a guy who’s was filling syringes (presumably, no needle) with his semen, and squirting them on the legs of young women as they were using the escalator during rush hour.

He would just stand behind them, shoot it up their skirt, and walk off. They wouldn’t necessarily know but he was caught on CCTV because he did this multiple times a day. Before that he had a record for exhibitionism (flashing) and then progressed on to this.

16.

Not sure if it’s nsfw but it was definitely weird and unexpected. A homeless man flipped me off and then put out his cigarette in his eye.

17.

Homeless dude squatting in an alleyway having a dump so bad that he was screaming at the top of his lungs every time he pushed.

18.

I saw this lady on the train making sexual noises into her cellphone on the train the other day.. it was disturbing. then she dared all the passengers to say something to her about it.. someone did. it was entertaining. gotta love DC.

19.

Well, I was once swimming at Wreck Beach in BC and there was a gay couple float-fucking in the water a few hundred yards off the shore (that’s NSFW but not the point of the story) pretending like the whole beach wasn’t seeing them.

Well, the whole beach continued not to see them as they floated directly into a floating wastewater slick from a passing Chinese oceanliner.

20.

I was at a college party in my dorm my freshman year. I was drinking with a few friends in the courtyard, which was packed with people. I walked around the corner with a buddy and there was a girl eating another girl out. There was quite a crowd forming around them.

21.

Downtown Seattle – you see bums shitting in the street fairly often. Well one bum was mid shit, stopped, and proceeded to pop the largest syst or zit or whatever the hell this ungodly thing was, resulting in the most puss I’ve ever seen come out of another human.

Source: http://allofbeer.com/21-people-reveal-the-very-nsfw-scene-theyve-run-into-in-broad-daylight/

from All of Beer https://allofbeer.wordpress.com/2017/12/27/21-people-reveal-the-very-nsfw-scene-theyve-run-into-in-broad-daylight/

[adambstingus]

21 People Reveal The *Very* NSFW Scene They’ve Run Into In Broad Daylight

1.

Saw a lady accidentally drop her baby face-first in the street.

The baby was not pleased.

2.

So, lived in New Orleans for a while. Worked as a bartender on Bourbon St. I was leaving work around 6:30 am. The sun was coming up and there was a fairly decent mix of people either just starting their day, or going home. One of the strip clubs closer to Canal St. has pictures of scantily clad women on the outside of the building.

There was a homeless guy, pants around his ankles like some little kids do at urinals, straight up dick in his hand jerking it in broad daylight in the middle of the sidewalk to some of the pictures on the building. Did not make eye contact and quickly went to the other side of the street. In hindsight, the sidewalk was probably his bedroom, so…

3.

Homeless lady spraying liquid shit all over a wall.I was walking down the street, rounded a corner, and there she was.

4.

Mine was a Chinese tourist who didn’t want to wait in line for the bathroom, not even in the washroom but right across the hall from it.

5.

I used to live in a second floor flat with an ex girlfriend and the flat overlooked the back garden of the pub next door. One evening I’m in our bedroom and hear a load of noise coming from the pub garden.

I peer out of the window half expecting there to be a fight or at least something of an aggressive nature happening since it was a pretty dire pub. Instead I see a semicircle of people cheering on some stripper who is in the midst of losing her clothes for some guy who’s sat in the middle of this semi circle and on one of the pub benches. Once she’s lost all her clothes she then bends over, arse to the crowd, unzips this guy’s trousers and gives him a blow job right there in the garden.

This was not the most surprising thing. What surprised me the most was while she was bent over, one of the guys watching turns to his mate with a big grin (I can’t hear what anyone is saying, only the cheering)…he then walks up behind the stripper and proceeds to slide the neck of his beer bottle into her pussy and bottle fucks her with no warning whatsoever…

I expected her to immediately back up, slap him and leave. Instead she writhes around and takes it with pleasure, a lot of pleasure! At some point during this show, I’d called the ex into the room and when we proceeded to have a good ten minute show from our bedroom window. That was an entertaining evening!

6.

This was in NJ. I remember before I got my car I would have to take the bus to work. One day it was as usual, I was just sitting about midway in the bus on the right side, next thing you know some guy comes on, pays his fare and sits down.

He proceeded to take his hat off and dry shave his head (he had a hair length of what you’d expect after no shaving for a week, not long) with a razor that looked like an old disposable. I look at him in awe as he’s shaving his head bare like that and I begin to see blood just coming off the parts he shaved with the other parts just being spotted patches of hair.

By the time his stop came, he was bleeding quite a bit, and he just put his hat back on and got off. After that day I never sat down on any public transportation and have also stood up since. Never again.

7.

When I was 11 I saw a junkie get beat to death by two guys with clubs outside of my dad’s apartment.

8.

While on a business trip to Brazil I saw two homeless guys fucking while doing crack in the middle of the sidewalk in a very busy street.

9.

Man vomiting in a bag, grabbing the chunks of food from the vomit and eating it back again.

10.

Another client in the long term adolescent rehab facility I was in went defiant for a few months. Lots of crazy things during this time, but the best (worst?) was out in the parking lot one day.

We’ll refer to him as “D.” D intentionally let wild diarrhea loose which promptly vacated the legs of his shorts and soaked the ass area. D then starts pulling it out of his pants, off of the pavement and back of his leg, and starts throwing it at us, occasionally applying a streak here and there to his own face. Staff of course came after him to subdue and sedate him, and their pursuit was met with spicy molten shitsquirts. There was something really poetic about watching social workers in christmas sweaters tackle and restrain a young man covered in his own shit. You could’ve put “Yakety Sax” behind the whole thing.

D later (like, 2 months later) apologized to the group. He gave weird details in his apology, including the amount of Hot Sauce he intentionally consumed with his breakfast in his cereal that day for the desired effect. The fuck.

11.

Watched a seemingly normal older man walking his medium sized dog, dog stops, takes a dump on the sidewalk and he bends down and picks it up with a napkin and takes a big ole bite out of the turd and continues walking and eating his fresh dog log. I shit you not.

12.

Guy was high on something and came to the factory totally out of it. Too fucked up to work the assembly line, so they had him breaking down boxes with a box knife. He put one box on his thigh, and proceeded to cut a 2 foot long cut through the box and into his inner thigh without noticing it. Well, unless you consider passing out to be noticing.

13.

After school one day (which is close to work I guess ) which was 7th grade I saw a kid stab another kid in the stomach 3 or 4 times with a butcher knife

14.

No nudity involved, but on an NYC subway, very crouded, rush hour, a man clearly had his hand down a womans skirt, and she was biting her lip.

15.

Worked on a court case of a guy who’s was filling syringes (presumably, no needle) with his semen, and squirting them on the legs of young women as they were using the escalator during rush hour.

He would just stand behind them, shoot it up their skirt, and walk off. They wouldn’t necessarily know but he was caught on CCTV because he did this multiple times a day. Before that he had a record for exhibitionism (flashing) and then progressed on to this.

16.

Not sure if it’s nsfw but it was definitely weird and unexpected. A homeless man flipped me off and then put out his cigarette in his eye.

17.

Homeless dude squatting in an alleyway having a dump so bad that he was screaming at the top of his lungs every time he pushed.

18.

I saw this lady on the train making sexual noises into her cellphone on the train the other day.. it was disturbing. then she dared all the passengers to say something to her about it.. someone did. it was entertaining. gotta love DC.

19.

Well, I was once swimming at Wreck Beach in BC and there was a gay couple float-fucking in the water a few hundred yards off the shore (that’s NSFW but not the point of the story) pretending like the whole beach wasn’t seeing them.

Well, the whole beach continued not to see them as they floated directly into a floating wastewater slick from a passing Chinese oceanliner.

20.

I was at a college party in my dorm my freshman year. I was drinking with a few friends in the courtyard, which was packed with people. I walked around the corner with a buddy and there was a girl eating another girl out. There was quite a crowd forming around them.

21.

Downtown Seattle – you see bums shitting in the street fairly often. Well one bum was mid shit, stopped, and proceeded to pop the largest syst or zit or whatever the hell this ungodly thing was, resulting in the most puss I’ve ever seen come out of another human.

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/21-people-reveal-the-very-nsfw-scene-theyve-run-into-in-broad-daylight/ from All of Beer https://allofbeercom.tumblr.com/post/169013267742

[allofbeercom]

21 People Reveal The *Very* NSFW Scene They’ve Run Into In Broad Daylight

1.

Saw a lady accidentally drop her baby face-first in the street.

The baby was not pleased.

2.

So, lived in New Orleans for a while. Worked as a bartender on Bourbon St. I was leaving work around 6:30 am. The sun was coming up and there was a fairly decent mix of people either just starting their day, or going home. One of the strip clubs closer to Canal St. has pictures of scantily clad women on the outside of the building.

There was a homeless guy, pants around his ankles like some little kids do at urinals, straight up dick in his hand jerking it in broad daylight in the middle of the sidewalk to some of the pictures on the building. Did not make eye contact and quickly went to the other side of the street. In hindsight, the sidewalk was probably his bedroom, so…

3.

Homeless lady spraying liquid shit all over a wall.I was walking down the street, rounded a corner, and there she was.

4.

Mine was a Chinese tourist who didn’t want to wait in line for the bathroom, not even in the washroom but right across the hall from it.

5.

I used to live in a second floor flat with an ex girlfriend and the flat overlooked the back garden of the pub next door. One evening I’m in our bedroom and hear a load of noise coming from the pub garden.

I peer out of the window half expecting there to be a fight or at least something of an aggressive nature happening since it was a pretty dire pub. Instead I see a semicircle of people cheering on some stripper who is in the midst of losing her clothes for some guy who’s sat in the middle of this semi circle and on one of the pub benches. Once she’s lost all her clothes she then bends over, arse to the crowd, unzips this guy’s trousers and gives him a blow job right there in the garden.

This was not the most surprising thing. What surprised me the most was while she was bent over, one of the guys watching turns to his mate with a big grin (I can’t hear what anyone is saying, only the cheering)…he then walks up behind the stripper and proceeds to slide the neck of his beer bottle into her pussy and bottle fucks her with no warning whatsoever…

I expected her to immediately back up, slap him and leave. Instead she writhes around and takes it with pleasure, a lot of pleasure! At some point during this show, I’d called the ex into the room and when we proceeded to have a good ten minute show from our bedroom window. That was an entertaining evening!

6.

This was in NJ. I remember before I got my car I would have to take the bus to work. One day it was as usual, I was just sitting about midway in the bus on the right side, next thing you know some guy comes on, pays his fare and sits down.

He proceeded to take his hat off and dry shave his head (he had a hair length of what you’d expect after no shaving for a week, not long) with a razor that looked like an old disposable. I look at him in awe as he’s shaving his head bare like that and I begin to see blood just coming off the parts he shaved with the other parts just being spotted patches of hair.

By the time his stop came, he was bleeding quite a bit, and he just put his hat back on and got off. After that day I never sat down on any public transportation and have also stood up since. Never again.

7.

When I was 11 I saw a junkie get beat to death by two guys with clubs outside of my dad’s apartment.

8.

While on a business trip to Brazil I saw two homeless guys fucking while doing crack in the middle of the sidewalk in a very busy street.

9.

Man vomiting in a bag, grabbing the chunks of food from the vomit and eating it back again.

10.

Another client in the long term adolescent rehab facility I was in went defiant for a few months. Lots of crazy things during this time, but the best (worst?) was out in the parking lot one day.

We’ll refer to him as “D.” D intentionally let wild diarrhea loose which promptly vacated the legs of his shorts and soaked the ass area. D then starts pulling it out of his pants, off of the pavement and back of his leg, and starts throwing it at us, occasionally applying a streak here and there to his own face. Staff of course came after him to subdue and sedate him, and their pursuit was met with spicy molten shitsquirts. There was something really poetic about watching social workers in christmas sweaters tackle and restrain a young man covered in his own shit. You could’ve put “Yakety Sax” behind the whole thing.

D later (like, 2 months later) apologized to the group. He gave weird details in his apology, including the amount of Hot Sauce he intentionally consumed with his breakfast in his cereal that day for the desired effect. The fuck.

11.

Watched a seemingly normal older man walking his medium sized dog, dog stops, takes a dump on the sidewalk and he bends down and picks it up with a napkin and takes a big ole bite out of the turd and continues walking and eating his fresh dog log. I shit you not.

12.

Guy was high on something and came to the factory totally out of it. Too fucked up to work the assembly line, so they had him breaking down boxes with a box knife. He put one box on his thigh, and proceeded to cut a 2 foot long cut through the box and into his inner thigh without noticing it. Well, unless you consider passing out to be noticing.

13.

After school one day (which is close to work I guess ) which was 7th grade I saw a kid stab another kid in the stomach 3 or 4 times with a butcher knife

14.

No nudity involved, but on an NYC subway, very crouded, rush hour, a man clearly had his hand down a womans skirt, and she was biting her lip.

15.

Worked on a court case of a guy who’s was filling syringes (presumably, no needle) with his semen, and squirting them on the legs of young women as they were using the escalator during rush hour.

He would just stand behind them, shoot it up their skirt, and walk off. They wouldn’t necessarily know but he was caught on CCTV because he did this multiple times a day. Before that he had a record for exhibitionism (flashing) and then progressed on to this.

16.

Not sure if it’s nsfw but it was definitely weird and unexpected. A homeless man flipped me off and then put out his cigarette in his eye.

17.

Homeless dude squatting in an alleyway having a dump so bad that he was screaming at the top of his lungs every time he pushed.

18.

I saw this lady on the train making sexual noises into her cellphone on the train the other day.. it was disturbing. then she dared all the passengers to say something to her about it.. someone did. it was entertaining.

gotta love DC.

19.

Well, I was once swimming at Wreck Beach in BC and there was a gay couple float-fucking in the water a few hundred yards off the shore (that’s NSFW but not the point of the story) pretending like the whole beach wasn’t seeing them.

Well, the whole beach continued not to see them as they floated directly into a floating wastewater slick from a passing Chinese oceanliner.

20.

I was at a college party in my dorm my freshman year. I was drinking with a few friends in the courtyard, which was packed with people. I walked around the corner with a buddy and there was a girl eating another girl out. There was quite a crowd forming around them.

21.

Downtown Seattle – you see bums shitting in the street fairly often. Well one bum was mid shit, stopped, and proceeded to pop the largest syst or zit or whatever the hell this ungodly thing was, resulting in the most puss I’ve ever seen come out of another human.

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/21-people-reveal-the-very-nsfw-scene-theyve-run-into-in-broad-daylight/