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chickensarentcheap · 4 years ago

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Best Part of Me -Chapter 88

Warnings: none

Tagging: @tragiclyhip, @innerpaperexpertcloud, @c-a-v-a-l-r-y, @alievans007

The final attempt at sleep had been successful. Although the road ahead of him is destined to be long and extremely difficult -and no doubt agonizing- his brief moment of wakefulness had done wonders to life Esme’s spirits. That chance to speak to him; to see him open his eyes and know -with one hundred percent certainty- that he was able to acknowledge her. It wasn’t a drug induced incoherent rambling or hallucination. He actually saw her and was able to engage; giving appropriate responses and showing concern for her and the baby. Able to express how he was feeling and that telling her he loved her. No one could ever possibly understand how just incredible that small moment was, or what an enormous impact it had on her state of mind. She knows it won’t be easy. There will be weeks, even months, of healing; tremendous pain and more hard times than easy ones. A full recovery could take as long as a couple of years; countless rounds of physical rehab will be needed and most likely therapy for mental health and addiction issues. But he’s already shown just how tenacious and strong he actually is; his will to live a lot more powerful than the agony he’s experiencing. With so much to live for, his desire to be with his family again is his main driving force, and she knows he’ll be willing to do whatever it takes to get back on his feet again.

Nathan may have been able to break his body, but he hadn’t made a dent in his spirit.

The burden she’s been carrying -the fear, worry, and uncertainty- had been lessened, and she’d been able to drift off; both body and mind allowing her to rest. So soundly in fact, that she’d only briefly stirred in the wee hours of the morning when Julie had come in while on her rounds. Merely lifting her head from the pillow; quietly observing as the nurse switched empty IV and medicine bags with full ones. Then she’d simply rolled over, pulled the blankets over her head, and easily drifted off.

Her sleep once again had been filled with dreams of the past. Millie’s first steps and how ecstatic and proud Tyler had been; never getting to experience many of Austin’s milestones because of deployments. How tearful he’d been the morning he’d walked into her room and Millie -who’d been standing up in her crib, excitedly bouncing up and down at the mere sight of him- had called him ‘daddy’ for the very first time. And the way he’d broken down in the delivery room when the twins had been born -even harder than he had when his daughter came into the world- and the nurse had given him TJ and said “Here’s your son”. He’d lost his first, and getting that moment again -a baby boy presented to him- had profoundly affected him A man that rightfully shouldn’t even have been alive. Who’d been given a second chance and at times didn’t feel as if he deserved it. There are still times he thinks that way. When the demons of the past resurface and play havoc on his brain; convincing him that the mistakes of a younger man and the amount of blood on his hands has turned him into a monster. It’s the nightmare of living with mental health issues and PTSD; those dark moments where he questions his mere existence and openly states that he doesn’t deserve the life he has now; a wife and children that love and accept him unconditionally.

It’s hard for people to understand. How a man that is so big and so strong -and often intimidating- can have those kinds of thoughts and vulnerable moments. But they don’t know everything that he’s battled. His childhood is one of his best kept secrets; only her and Koen know the full extent of his father’s behaviour, the abuse inflicted, and the long term damage it has caused. It’s not something he readily talks about; even with her. That toxic masculinity still gets the better of him at times. His father’s attempts at beating into him that a man -a REAL MAN- doesn’t show emotion; it means that he’s weak and there’s nothing more pathetic than being weak. And she’s tried to break him of it; years spent assuring him that he isn’t a weak man. A weak man would have given up in that storage facility. In the same way he would have given up on the Sultana Kamal Bridge seven years ago. And he certainly never would have survived the nightmare of his upbringing. Nor would he be so determined to be a better man; the kind of husband and father that a wife and kids can brag about and proud of. Who never have to live in fear of him ; cowering every time he raises his voice or even comes too close to them. Who know -beyond the shadow of a doubt- how much he loves him.

Tyler Rake is anything BUT weak. And he’d shown that the night before. Somehow finding a way to battle his way through this thick haze of multiple medications; gathering the strength to not only open his eyes, but actually think coherently and communicate. He was right. He DOES do whatever he wants.

When she finally wakes, it’s to the patter of rain against the window and the sounds of hospital life trickling through the half open door. Doctors being paged, the shrill ring of patients’ using their call buttons to summon for help, the loud rattle of gurneys being pushed through the halls. It’s a harsh reminder of her current situation; stuck in the ICU of a private hospital in Dhaka, thousands of miles away from her children and the comforts and security of her own home. She misses it. The sound and the smell of the ocean. The morning breeze and sunshine as she stands out on the back deck enjoying that first cup of tea, watching her husband as he helps Millie and the twins search -and dig, at times- for shells, rocks, and beach glass. Often wondering who is enjoying the quality time more; father or children. The dinners cooked on an open fire down by the water; the smiles brought to their faces -and that unconditional love and immense pride in his eyes- as they watch their children play and listen to those little voices and musical giggles floating on the air. And those strong, protective arms wrapped around her from behind as she sits between his legs. Her head resting against his chest as they quietly marvel at the sky; painted vivid shades of orange and pink as the sun sets.

It’s a life she had never even dared to dream about; a beautiful home in an even more even more beautiful place, amazing children and a husband that is faithful and loyal and only has eyes for her. All those things that she’d come to believe SHE didn’t deserve and had long ago given up on finding. How poetic in a way; two broken people coming together to make a slightly dented whole.

Sighing heavily, she rolls from side to back; eyes closed as she stretches and yawns The morning sickness has returned. With a vengeance. More than likely made worse by lack of food and the stress and worry that have accompanied the last twenty four hours. When she manages to quell the threatening nausea and brief spell of dizziness, she opens her eyes and sits up, finding a small paper bag sitting on the extra pillow beside her; name written on the front of it in black marker. And the contents bring the first genuine smile since yesterday morning; aside from Tyler’s brief period of consciousness. A bottle of prenatal vitamins, a small carton of chocolate milk, and an enormous blueberry muffin. Accompanied by a handwritten note from Julie; asking Esme to promise she’ll look after herself AND the baby, assurance that she’ll be back on in the evening, and her home phone number. The latter being offered as not only a ‘helpline’ if she feels overwhelmed and scared and needs someone to vent and cry to, but so she can give the nurse a list of some of her favorite foods. Julie vowing to bring a selection when she clocks in for her shift. It’s refreshing; having someone WANT to take care of her in that motherly fashion. Especially when her own has been anything but.

She shoves her feet into her sandals and climbs off the bed; returning it to its couch form. “Hey baby,” she greets as she stands at the side of Tyler’s bed; combing her fingers through his hair and pressing her lips to his temple. “Good morning. I hope you slept god. You didn’t snore, I know that much. That’s a first, huh? Me not complaining about your snoring? Must have been a really good sleep for you to be THAT quiet. You deserve it; that kind of sleep. Your face looks a little better, I think. Not as swollen. Pretty bruised though. And you’re going to have a couple wicked scars at the end of this.”

Her fingers gently touch the stitches below and above his eye.

“You’d probably joke about how it balances your face out; the right catching up with the left in the scar department. I think they’re going to make you even sexier. Which should be illegal, if you ask me. One man being that sexy? No wonder you’re a DILF. The thirsty ladies may drive me crazy, but I can’t really blame them. Right now I’m kind of mad at you though. I am so nauseous. And I swear, the bump is even bigger this morning...look…” she pushes her fingers through his, then draws their joined hands through the safety railing and places them on her stomach. “...bigger, right? You can’t tell me this is normal. None of the other ones were this size so soon. Not even Declan, and he was over ten pounds when he was born. And you better not be thinking multiples; one is all we can handle right about now. Let’s not bite off more than we can chew, alright? Six is more than enough. And speaking of babies, I’m going to ask Ovi to bring Addie here. She’s tiny still, Tyler. She shouldn’t be away from us this long. Especially me. She needs to be with her momma. And I think it would do you some good, too; having at least one of them here. So that’s my decision and you’re just going to have to live with it.”

She moves his hand back inside the confines of the bed, gently setting it on the mattress

“I love you,” she says, and presses a kiss to the corner of his mouth. “You keep sleeping, okay? And I hope if you’re dreaming, it’s good things for a change.”

****

She gives a small start when she exits the bathroom and finds Koen sitting in the bedside chair. Sipping from a take out cup of coffee and freshly shaven; his face bearing its own fair share of bruises and a handful of butterfly bandages keeping small, superficial wounds closed.

“Morning, sunshine!” He cheerfully greets, and nods to the cup of tea and a bag of fast food breakfast sitting on the window ledge. “I finally get to see you in your sexy jammies.”

Esme gives a derisive snort. “You DO have issues if you find sweatpants and an oversized shirt sexy,” she says as she journeys over to the window “I was going to give you shit for scaring the crap out of me, but seeing as you come bearing gifts, I’ll let it slide.” She peers into the bag, a grin tugging at her lips. “Either it was just a lucky guess, or you somehow know that when I’m pregnant, I always crave breakfast burritos.”

“There’s a lot I know about you. Someone talks about you. All the time. Mostly about shit I don’t need to know.”

“Well I’m glad you listened. Because this is a very nice surprise. Thank you,” she lays a hand on his shoulder and presses a kiss to his cheek. “And what’s up with this?” She lightly taps a hand against the side of his face. “All cleaned up. Smooth like a baby’s bum.”

“I thought there might be some hot nurses walking around. Want to put my best foot forward. Maybe you can hook me up; put in a good word for me.”

“Why would you want to hook with someone here? You’ll be going home soon.”

“Exactly.”

“Ewww…” she grimaces. “...I don’t need to know that you’re a ‘pump and dump’.”

“Considering the things I’ve had to hear from you and him?” Koen nods in Tyler’s direction. “What I said is tame. I’ve actually had to listen to you two….”

“I thought you were moving on from random hookups?” Esme remarks, and she perches on the arm of his chair and delves into one of the burritos. “I thought you were getting too old for that shit?”

“Excuse me, who are you calling old?”

“I thought Tyler was rubbing off on you. That he was some sort of inspiration to you and Rata; convincing you two it was time to stop sowing your wild oats and settle down once and for all. Didn’t you say it gave you hope? That if...and I quote…’someone can put up with the likes of him, that’s proof there IS someone out there for everyone’.”

“I did say that.”

“So what gives? Why are you looking for a random? You deserve more than that”

“Well if he was awake and could tell me where to find another one of you, I’d be all set.”

“Sorry. I’m limited edition. And I’ve already been claimed. A couple breakfast burritos just aren’t enough to make me divorce my husband and run away with you. It definitely takes more than that.”

“I knew I should have gotten you hash browns too.”

“That would have done it! Boy, did you ever blow that. I would have for sure ran away with you. Right this very second.”

“You know, as much as I enjoy our little banter, I don’t think I could handle you.”

“Oh, you definitely couldn’t. It takes a special breed of man, believe me. And I’m serious; aren’t you tired of NOT having someone to call your own? Someone to go home to at the end of the day? Someone that is your ‘be and end all’? Your ‘ride or die’?. You deserve to be happy. I WANT you to be happy.”

“I think Tyler took all the happy and didn’t leave any for anyone else.”

“When we get home, I am finding someone for you. I don’t care what it takes; I will put you on every dating site out there.”

“What about your sister? Or step sister. Whatever she is.”

“Riley? Are you serious? She’s twenty three!”

“And?”

“And you’re thirty years older than she is!”

“How old do you think I am?”

“I know you’re eight years older than Tyler. He’s almost forty two. So I lied; you’re only twenty seven years old than she is.”

“And?”

“And that’s fucking disturbing!”

Koen shrugs. “She’s cute”

“She is. You know who else finds her cute? Women. Who she is into. And she’s not a switch hitter.”

“Doesn’t take after her older sister, huh?”

Esme frowns. “He told you THAT, too?”

“He’s told me a lot of things, sunshine. You forget; he’s a chatty drunk. Until he’s a depressed and weepy drunk, that is.”

“There are many sides to him you don’t get to see. Sober sides. And don’t worry; my sister isn’t in contention, but I WILL find someone for you. And speaking of someone, where’s your sidekick?”

“He saw something downstairs he liked.”

“Really…” she playfully wriggles her eyebrows. “...blond or brunette?”

“Something in the gift shop. For the baby.”

“He knows?”

“EVERYONE knows.”

“Yaz has a big mouth,” Esme grumbles. “We weren’t going to tell anyone until we got home and found how far along I am. It’s what Tyler and I wanted.”

“I could gather a guess. About how far.”

“Sure you could,” she mutters. “And why do you keep looking at me like that? Why do you keep staring at my crotch?”

“I’m looking at your stomach. Where’d that come from?”

“It’s been there. I’ve just been hiding it because no one was supposed to know! Now that everyone does, I guess I don’t have to wear baggy clothes anymore. And it’s big, right? The bump? Bigger than any of the others?”

“How should I know? I only saw you pregnant with Millie and Addie. Never saw you with any of the boys.”

“It’s never been like this so soon! How big IS this baby?”

“Look at the size of the kid’s father. Maybe it’s taking after him. Or maybe there’s more than one.”

“Why would you do that? Why would you think it? Don’t put that out into the universe. There’s just one. That’s it. That will make it six. A nice even number.”

“Number six must be pretty damn big then.”

“You know what? You’re off my Christmas card list. There’s no way we’re running away together. You totally shit the bed. No second chances for you.

“What if I bring you chocolate?”

“Not even then. You just had to jinx the entire thing.”

Koen gives an over dramatic pout.

“Buddy, I have seen better pouts on a much bigger man. That won’t work on me. You have nothing on Tyler’s pout.”

“He doesn’t pout.”

“He sure as shit does. I’m going to prove it one day. I’m going to catch him doing it and take a picture. Then I’ll have the evidence. Tanner has the EXACT same pout; he mostly does it when he’s sleeping.”

“Speaking of pictures, I’ve got a little something for ya.” Koen reaches into the side pocket of his cargo pants, pulling out his cell and then thumbing through the gallery; choosing the image he wants and offering the phone to her. “Thought it would make you smile. The world’s a shitty place when you don’t. You got yourself a pretty nice smile.”

“You’ve been taking ass kissing lessons from the best, haven’t you,” she chides, then pops the last of her breakfast into her mouth and wipes her hands on her thighs. “Oh...my...god…” she breathes, and almost squeals in delight at the sight before her. Her husband long before the hardness and weariness brought on by his time in the military, substance abuse issues, and the dangers of the job. Before all of those demons took hold of him and he’d yet to go under a tattoo artist’s needle and no scars marred his body. Tall and lean; broad shouldered and bearing the start of the strong and solid physique of a soldier. A brush cut and a smooth, clean face; the smile -genuine and pure- making his eyes crinkle and sparkle.

“Back when he couldn’t even grow a proper beard yet,” Koen muses. “When he was still wet behind the ears. Nothing hard ass about that bloke in the picture, is there.”

“Where did you get this?” Esme can’t explain it; the tug at her heart and the emotion choking at her and the tears that well in her eyes. There’s something so surreal about it; seeing the person you love long before a hard and unpredictable life got a hold of them.

“Found a box of old pictures when I was going through some stuff back home. Meant to show it to him, but never got around to it. You mentioned before that you’ve never seen what he looked like before...well...before all of this.”

“I’ve only ever ever seen one picture of him. When he was five; with his mom on his first day of kindergarten. He doesn’t have any other ones; he says it’s not worth the grief he’ll get if he asks his dad if he has any. This is…I don’t know...it’s amazing. You have no idea what this means to me; seeing this. ESPECIALLY right now. This is everything. You can’t possibly understand what this does for me.”

“I think I do. I know how you feel about him. That you’re just as much a fool in love as he is.”

“I certainly am,” she smiles. “How old is he here?”

“Nineteen. Hadn’t been out of basic long; a couple weeks maybe. When he was a cocky little shit and as green as fresh baby shit. Cute, ain’t he?”

“Very cute. It’s weird seeing him like this. I’ve only seen MY Tyler. The one I’ve spent seven years with. I’ve never seen THIS Tyler. I know that sounds strange.”

“I’ve heard stranger.”

“Fourteen year old me would have had a huge crush on him.”

“What was fourteen year old Esme like?”

“Awkward. Geeky. Short as fuck and chubby. I had braces and jet black hair and I dressed like a goth. Big old Doc Marten boots that went up to my knees and everything.”

“Now THAT I’d like to see.”

“I don’t even have pictures of ME when I was that young. Tyler’s never seen old photos of me, either. I think the youngest he’s ever seen me was when I was twenty-three and just got into the Corps. It’s what happens; when your family is toxic and you’d rather not deal with them. Can you send this to me? I’d love to have this. And I’d love to show the kids. Especially Millie. She’d like to see her daddy when he was young and cute.”

“I’ll send it to ya. And when we get home, I’ll bring that box down and we can go through it. I’m sure there’s more you’d love to have. “

“Thank you.” She can’t hold back the tears. “You have no idea what it means to me. Even just having one picture. And I’m sorry; that I’m a whiny bitch baby. I would like to be able to blame it on the baby and my hormones, but it’s not those things. It’s just me. I’m not exactly having the best twenty four hours. I miss my kids. I hate being so far away from them. Especially Addie. But I can’t leave Tyler here. I just can’t.”

“I could stay,” Koen offers. “He wouldn’t be alone, you know that.”

“And I appreciate it, I do. But I need to be here with him. I didn’t leave him seven years ago, and I’m sure as hell not leaving him now. It’ll be better; when he gets sent to a hospital back home. Closest one is an hour from the house. It’ll be better than.”

“Well I’ll stick around as long as you need me to. Sort of made a promise that I’d take care of ya. I ain’t breaking it.”

“You’re all heart, Koen. You can pretend to be surly and hard ass all you want. I’m onto you.”

“Yeah, well I kind of like that giant, dumb ass bloke you’re married to. And you’re growing on me. So I figure I might as well step up and take his spot and treat like you like the queen you are.”

“You smooth talker,” she teases, ruffling his hair and pressing a kiss to his cheek. “Thank you. For the picture. You really don’t know how grateful I am for it. And thanks for being here; for both of us.”

“Anytime, sunshine.”

“And thank you for being with him yesterday. I could tell he was scared and in pain, and when I think what would have happened if he’d been alone…”

“Well he wasn’t. Alone. So don’t even think about that.”

“Thank you for getting him out of there. At least if he DID die, he wouldn’t have been left there. I don’t think I’d ever get over that; if I had to leave him here. I couldn’t cope with that.”

“Let’s not think about that, yeah? He got through it. He got out of there and it’s only uphill from here.”

“He really thought he was going to die, didn’t he.”

“Honestly? We all thought he was going to die.”

She releases a long, shaky sigh and blinks back tears. “I’m glad you were there with him. At least if the worst happened, he wouldn’t have been by himself. That is my biggest fear when it comes to the job; that if it DOES happen, he’ll be alone. I don’t know why it bothers me as much as it does. I just don’t want him to be alone...you know...IF…”

“Can’t dwell on stuff like that. You’ll drive yourself insane. Or give yourself gray hair.”

“Bold of you to assume I don’t already HAVE gray hair.”

“I don’t see anything.”

“I appreciate you feeding my ego, but I know you can see it. And believe, every one of my gray hairs has Tyler’s name on them. Maybe TJ too. Go figure; the junior being a TRUE junior.”

“That kid is his dad through and through. Tough on the outside, all heart on the inside. And that Millie…”

“Female version of him.”

“Exactly. It’s fitting if you ask me; him having a girl first and her being just like him. Gonna have his hands full with her.”

“She called last night. Wanting to talk to him. She had a bad dream and he always makes her feel better after a bad dream. Daddy’s the one that chases all the monsters away. She has so much faith in him; she knows he’d never ignore her. She’s already questioning why she can’t get a hold of him. I have to tell them; I can’t keep lying to them. And I’d rather they hear it from me than someone else. They’ll take it better if it comes from me, I think.”

Koen nods in agreement.

“But on the bright side, he had a really good night. An amazing night, actually. He woke up. Twice. Once for the nurse, once for me.”

Koen frowns.

“What?”

“He woke up?”

Esme nods. “The first time, Julie...his night nurse…said he woke up and wanted to know who the hell she was and that he asked for me. And he even told her he was feeling sick and she gave him some meds for it.”

“Hmm…”

“Second time, he opened his eyes and looked right at me. Told me to not cry. He said he wasn’t in any pain and that he was just tired. And he asked if the baby was okay and he said he loved me. It was amazing; to see him open his eyes and hear his voice.”

“Are you sure? That this happened?”

“What do you mean am I sure? Of course I’m sure. Why wouldn't I be?”

“Thought the doctor said they weren’t going to bring him out sedation for a few days? At least.”

“Julie said it isn’t uncommon; moments of wakefulness and some lucidity. It’s just sedation, it’s not a medically induced coma like last time.”

“He actually woke up? After everything he went through during the day? All the surgeries, the amount of meds they’re pushing into him? He opened his eyes and talked to you?”

“That’s exactly what happened. Why are you questioning it? I wouldn’t lie about this.”

“I’m not saying you’re lying. Maybe you were dreaming. Maybe you were hallucinating from lack of sleep.”

“I wasn’t dreaming and I wasn’t seeing things. He woke up, looked at me, and talked to me. It happened. It was real.”

“Esme, don’t take this the wrong way, but maybe it was wishful thinking on your part and…”

“It happened,” she insists. “I was there. I witnessed it.”

“And I was there in that storage and in that van. I know what kind of shape he was in; I know how close he was to lights out. Permanently. And you’re telling me, after all the injuries, all the surgeries, all the meds, he just woke up? The same day?”

“I know it sounds crazy. And I wouldn’t believe it if someone told me either. But I SAW it. With my own two eyes. And you know how tough he is; how damn stubborn he is. Does it really surprise you that of all the people who would fight THIS hard, it’s Tyler? You know him; you know how strong he is. You know he’d do anything for me and the kids. So is that big of a stretch that he’d wake up like that? Even if it was just to give me some hope?”

Koen sighs.

“He woke up AND he talked to me. And you know what? It was incredible and made me feel better; to know his brain is working and that he’s not giving up. I needed that; some kind of sign that he’s going to be okay And he gave it to me.”

“So why isn’t he awake now?” Koen challenges.

“Maybe he used up all his energy last night and he needs to build it back up again.”

“If he’s got it in him to wake up last night, he should be awake right now. I’ve got some shit to say to him for scaring me as bad as he did. How come he’s not up now and talking to me?”

“I don’t know. I only know what happened last night. I only know…”

“Maybe I don’t want to talk to you,” Tyler’s voice -weak, groggy, and slightly slurred by the effects of medication- pipes up. “Now shut the fuck up. You’re given me a headache.”

“See!” Esme smiles triumphantly. “I told you.”

****

When she returns from taking a much needed shower, she finds Rata outside Tyler’s room tightly clutching a gift bag from the shop in the front lobby and pacing at a near frantic rate. It’s odd to see him this way, clearly frazzled and nervous shoulders tense; chewing on his bottom lip and occasionally stopping and peering into the room. Normally he’s the ‘life of the party’; clueless in an adorable way, always acting far less intelligent than he actually is just to get a laugh. Possessing an air of confidence without an ounce of cockiness; quick with sarcastic comments and witty comebacks. The ‘uncle’ that always sits at the kids’ tables during Christmas dinner and then helps build lego sets and put together toy car race tracks instead of socializing with the adults.

“Hey you,” she warmly greets, and lays a comforting hand on his back. “You okay?”

He responds by wrapping her in a huge; strong, muscular arms noticeably trembling.

“You alright?” Esme asks, as she runs her hands up and down his biceps. “You don’t look so good. What’s going on?”

“I don’t like hospitals much. Especially a place like THIS in a hospital. Where people are really bad. EXTRA bad.”

“He’s a lot better than anyone thought he would be. Especially so soon And he doesn’t look THAT awful, I swear. He’s even waking up for a little bits at a time. A person who is ‘extra bad’, wouldn't be doing that, would they?”

“I just don’t know if I can go in there just yet. I mean, I was there. Yesterday. In the van. I saw what he was like; how bad he was. And I’ve never seen Tyler like that. I’ve seen him shot a couple times during our tours in the Middle East, but those were nothing. Just flesh wounds, you know? But that? Yesterday? Those weren’t just flesh wounds. And by the time he got back home seven years ago…”

“He was already somewhat on his feet and in rehab.”

Rata nods. “He was almost back to himself. It’s going to be a long while before he gets back to himself this time.”

“Yesterday was pretty awful, huh?

He releases a small, shaky sigh. “Wasn’t so much how he looked. All the blood and what not. I mean, that was bad, don’t get me wrong. It was fucking awful. Pardon my language.”

“I hear and say worse all the time. You don’t have to filter yourself around me. You’ve met my husband, right? You can’t be easily offended AND stay married to him. It just won’t work.”

“It was terrible. A fucking nightmare. To see a friend of yours THAT messed up. But the worst part? It was what he SOUNDED like. When he was talking to you. I’ve never heard him sound like that. Ever.”

“Neither have I,” she admits. “Not seven years ago, not even the two times he tried to...well, you know. He never sounded like THAT.”

“Like he was going to die.”

“Yesterday I tried telling myself he didn’t sound that way. That he was just tired and scared and in pain and he just needed it to end. I convinced myself that he didn’t sound THAT bad. Near death. Now I realize I was just trying to make myself feel better, know what I mean?”

Rata nods.

“He was a lot closer to it than I want to admit. I thought nothing could be worse than seven years ago. I was so wrong.”

“It was what he said to you. How he said it. He was pretty sure he was never going to see you again. That’s the only thing he was really scared of; the thought of not getting to be with you anymore. You and the kids. You’re his entire world. I didn’t think I realized how much he loves you all until I heard the things that came out of his mouth. Opened my eyes; made me see him a different way. A good way, just different. He’s lucky. He’s got someone that loves him as much as he loves them. That’s something I think we all want but never seem to find.”

“Sometimes I wonder what I ever did right to deserve him,” she confesses. “And he’s here because of you guys. You and Koen. You did whatever you had to go get him here alive. So thank you. I know it wasn’t easy; what you had to see and do. I was there myself. Seven years ago. I know how hard it is.”

“I feel like such a dick. For not being able to go in there. Like a total pussy.”

“You’re not any of those things. People handle stuff like this in different ways. But you should go in there. He’s really not that bad. And he was awake and talking a bit to Koen. I don’t know if he still is, but I do know he’d like to see you. I know how much he appreciates what you did to help him. I’ll go in with you if that would help.”

“It would. A bit. But first,” he offers the gift bag. “ I have something for you. And the baby.”

“The baby won’t be here for months. You didn’t have to do that.”

“I wanted to. Just a little something.”

She reaches into the bag, smiling at the stuffed tiger that she pulls out of its confines. “How did you remember the tradition? Every Rake baby gets a stuffed animal?”

“Just something that stuck with me, I guess.”

“It’s adorable. Thank you. Better not let Millie get a hold of it. That girl and her stuffed animals, I swear. You didn't have to do this. You didn’t…” her voice trails off, fingers reaching for the familiar object tied to the ribbon around the tiger’s neck. Eyes narrowed at first, then slowly widening when the realization sets in it. “Where did you find this? Where…?”

“I didn’t find it. Tyler gave it to me. Before we got to the storage place. He asked me to give it to you if something went wrong.”

“He did?” Esme unties the thin piece of fabric, sliding the ring off of it and then cradling it in her palm.

“He wanted me to make sure you got it. If he didn’t make it. Said it was important that you got it.”

“I thought it was lost,” her voice cracks with emotion. “I thought maybe he took it off beforehand and put it in his pocket and it fell out. Or that the ER staff misplaced it. I didn’t think I’d ever see it again.”

“I should have given it to you right away. Yesterday. Please don’t cry.”

“I’m not crying because of what you did or didn’t do. I thought it was gone. Forever. And I know it’s not much; it’s not expensive or fancy or anything like that. But it’s his. All the dents and scratches that he’s on it over the years. Sounds weird, but they all mean something. I really thought I’d never see it again. And I didn’t think I’d be as torn about it as I was. But it killed me inside; when I couldn’t find it. It felt like a piece of him was gone and I was just waiting for all the other pieces to disappear too. Thank you; you have no idea how much this means to me. To have this back.”

She hooks the handle of the bag around her wrist, then reaches around to the nape of her neck and removes the necklace -the custom made piece with the beach glass Millie had found- and slips the ring onto the chain.

“I’ll do it,” Rata offers, and steps behind her. Large fingers clumsy and struggling at first, but then manage to secure the clasp.

Esme lays a palm over the ring, firmly pressing it into her chest. Feeling the smooth, cool metal with its many imperfections, the familiar weight of it against her. And the relief that simple piece of jewellery brings is profound, stifling sobs with both of her hands as she turns and tightly embraces her friend.

#Tyler Rake #Tyler Rake fan fiction #Tyler Rake fan fic #Extraction fan fiction

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dammitadolfnomorecake · 6 years ago

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COTW - 28 - update

Rei's surgery had taken place early on the morning of the 5th. Swept up in reconfirming their love for each other, by the time Levi had woken to find it lunch time, their pup was already in theatre... and Eren was a stressing mess. His omega feeling sick with guilt over not being there to say "goodbye" before the procedure in case something happened. After leaving the court house, they'd had a few intimate hours together before their apartment was gatecrashed by their friends. Krista scolded Eren for his behaviour, before giggling how she was so proud of him. Apparently despite the fact Eren had been escorted out the courtroom, Floch had still planned to call him back. A plan that had been ruined by the fact that "they'd snuck off to fuck", in Erwin's words. Mikasa and Armin hadn't joined the others, but Eren didn't mention it, so, neither did Levi. He hadn't been impressed to see them at the courthouse, but the pair had insisted that they were there to show Eren their support. He'd half expected Connie and Sasha to show up sprouting the same nonsense, but thankfully they hadn't. They had an hour long wait before there was any news on Rei. The tiny premie back in the NICU, and while they couldn't touch him, Eren sobbed in relief that their son had come through the surgery. His back no longer carrying its "tail", though there were definitely more wires and cords around the small pup than there were before. He'd need another surgery once he got older, and possible more in the future, but for now. He was ok, and that was the main thing. It was another two weeks before things settled down in the apartment. Trying to tell Eren to rest did nothing, the omega throwing himself into arranging and decorating the nursery, until it was finally up to Eren's standards. Both new cots were assembled, Rei's cot made up with soft green blankets, while his brother's was made up with soft blue blankets. They'd reused the furniture they'd bought for Viren, as Viren now had the wardrobe in Eren's old room. They'd had a small incident with their son pulling down one of Eren's old set of bedside drawers on himself. Viren giving himself a split lip and bloodied nose for his troubles, but now it was safely anchored to the wall, and the toddler was going out of his way to avoid Titan, who he'd been trying to reach in the first place. As for their room, Eren had remade their nest at least a dozen times... mostly because they hadn't been able to keep their hands off each other. Eren spending more time in his lap, than on his own side of the bed... though Levi wasn't complaining. Especially not when Eren let him record him. His husband had been a little shy to begin with, but when Levi took over and topped, his omega was more than happy to film him as he fucked himself senseless. Each day Eren's stomach seemed to swell further as his breasts grew larger. Levi was completely addicted to it, and if they were having sex that meant Eren was spending less time sleeping, and less time suffering nightmares. Listening to the toilet flush, Levi sighed to himself. Eren had been up and down all night. His omega stripping down to his underwear because he was hot and uncomfortable. Though with how many times he'd been up down, Levi wondered why his husband didn't just stay in the bathroom. When the shower turned on, the alpha dragged himself out of bed. Heading into the bathroom, Eren was standing in the shower. His forehead against the wall, as he rubbed his hanging stomach, letting out small hisses as he did. Even under the running water, Levi could smell something off in his sweetness "Eren?" "Contractions" "Contractions?" Levi's voice shot up an octave... "I think they're just hicks... but they're pretty uncomfortable" Swallowing down the thick lump in his throat, Levi shook his head "You smell sweater... are you sure they're not..." "Don't even say it" "Eren" "I'm not due yet" "Bright Eyes, your body is going to decide when it's time. You can't will it not to be" "Lee..." "I think we better head in" "No... its too soon" "Eren..." "It... hurts..." "Ok. That's it. Shower over" "No..." Reaching into the shower, Levi turned the taps off. Gathering Eren into his hold, his husband whimpered "How close?" "I don't know..." "When they did start?" "Off and on since this morning. That's why I thought they were fake... I know what labour feels like..." Clutching his stomach harder, Eren shuddered through a groan "Yeah. And how's that starting to feel for you?" "Like... maybe I'm in labour" Supporting Eren through to their room, he sat him down on the edge of their bed "I'm going to grab a towel and dry you down" Eren nodded, fear flooding his scent "Hey. Hey, it's ok" "It's too soon. Couldn't this... be a false alarm?" "It could be, but I'm not risking it" "Can't we fall asleep and try again later?" "If it's a false alarm, I'll let you sleep all you want" Getting Eren dried was going so well, until Levi got him to stand. Eren let out a miserable whine as fluid pattered onto the flood between his husband's feet, both of them frozen before Levi found his voice "Eren..." "I think... my water just..." "Ok. You're ok... we'll get you dressed, and I'll get Viren" "Need my bag too..." "Yep. I've got it" "Lee..." Looking at at him with wide, fear filled eyes, Eren's lip was trembling "It's all going to be ok. It's normal for twins to come a little early" "He's going to be ok... isn't he?" "Yeah. Yeah, he's going to be ok. You both are" Of all the days for their to have been an accident, it has to be the day Eren goes into labour. Calling ahead, the stuttering idiot that was Olou informed him that neither Mike or Hanji were available. A violent alpha had caused an issue in the Emergency Department, coupled with an accident, had left things strained. Told to monitor his omegas contractions, Eren's labour was moving too fast him for him to be comfortable with. Eren hissing and breathing, assuring him he was ok, but after an hour, he couldn't do it. He needed to take Eren in "Baby, we're going to head in now" Giving him a pained smile, Eren nodded as he reached for Levi. Pulling his husband off their bed, Eren staggered before righting himself, before letting out a grunt an sagging "Ok... ok... we've got this..." "Lee... I don't think... we're going to make it" "Eren?" "I feel him... Lee, I feel him" Eren's pained moans and mews were getting sweeter by the second. Trying Mike, Erwin and Hanji on a loop, none of them were answering. Trying to coach Eren to breathe, his omega was making some pretty alarming sounds, as he placed dug one heel into their bed while kicking out with the other "Eren. Keep breathing for me" "Lee... It hurts... he's coming..." "You're ok, baby..." Writhing in their nest, Eren whimpered and whined. He knew he shouldn't find it erotic, but fuck... the way his belly moved, the way Eren's long form twisted as he panted... "Ow... ow... fuck... Lee..." Reaching out and grabbing his hand, Eren damn near broke the thing as he threw his head back to scream "Don't push! Don't push..." "Tell that to my body... I can feel him... I can feel him..." "Eren. Baby. Focus for me. Focus. Real talk, baby. How do you feel?" "I need to push... I can feel him" Ok. He could do this... "Eren, I can't through to Mike, Erwin or Hanji. We can try heading to hospital, but I don't know what kind of condition the traffic is going to be. What do you want to do?" "I... I'll... here, you can do it right?" He didn't want to be in a position where he was responsible for the life of their pup... "Mike" Leaping up from the edge of the bed as his phone started to ring, Levi could have laughed with relief. Grabbing the device, he slid his thumb across "Levi?!" "Mike. Eren's in labour" Mike swore softly "How far along? "It's been over an hour since his water broke, and he was having contractions before hand. I was told not to bring him in, but now it's too late" "There was an alpha earlier, trashed half the place before the cops finally got him down. Where are you?" "Home. He's in his nest. I tried you, Hanji and Erwin..." "There was car crash downtown. Car flipped, took out a power line and it's taken half the inner city out. You know what that's like. It's been all hands on deck. Levi, I'll be there as soon as I can. Make sure he's comfortable" "Mike..." "You'll be fine. You can do this" "But... complications?" "He should be able to deliver the pup. There's nothing saying that he shouldn't. Watch his stitch site, and monitor his blood pressure..." "Mike. I can't do this..." "You can. I'll be there... now put me on the phone with him" "Eren. Mike wants to talk to you" Holding the phone out, Eren twisted on their bed, moving onto his knees and sticking his arse out "I'm kind of busy!" Raising the device back to his ear, Levi sighed "Hear that?" "Reassure him I'm on my way" Mike ended the call, Levi throwing his phone onto the bed as he moved to climb up behind Eren "Baby?" "Ok... we need... to see how dilated I am... Shit, Levi... I miss the drugs" "I know you do baby. I know. Let's get you more comfortable" They weren't equipped for anything to go wrong. Eren's arse was scarred. He might not even dilate far enough to give birth safely... or... Arching his back, Eren cried his name out "Levi... please don't let him die..." "Neither of you are going to die..." Ridding Eren of his sweats, his mate was far more dilated than he'd expected. Moaning and grinding against his hand, Eren legs shook as come leaked from his spent penis... blinking in shock, his omega whined again "Levi? Is it bad?" "No. No baby... you're..." "Gaping open" seemed less than polite "You're dilated... nearly there..." "I want to push" "Not yet. Not yet, baby. Mike will be here real soon" Drawing his legs together, Eren turned to his side "I'm sorry..." "Hey..." "The contractions were over the whole day... they didn't feel regular... I didn't feel like I was in labour... I don't want him to die" Climbing up behind Eren, he pulled his omega back against him, crooning softly "You're not going to die. I've got you. I've got you..." "It hurts... don't let them take him" "No one is taking him. No one" "Please... don't let them take him..." "No ones going to. You're safe, baby. You're..." Eren grabbed his hand, back arching through a contraction. Levi didn't know how to help best. It wasn't his first birth, but it was the most important of his life as it was his child he was delivering "It hurts..." "Do you want to try standing? Changing position?" Eren nodded, as his feet kicked at the blankets, hunched over almost as if he was running on the spot "I... want to stand" "Ok. We can do that. Here, come here" Eren wanted to walk, the squat, then walk and squat again. Unable to get comfortable, they ended up with his omega on his knees, grasping Levi's hands. Crying out in pain, Eren looked beautiful. Sweat rolling down his face as his every bit of strength he had went into bearing down. Struggling to breathe, Eren sobbed through the pain, before slumping again. Sucking in a few deep breaths, it started over again "Baby...?" "His head... Lee, I can feel it..." Guiding Eren's left hand up so his husband could wrap his arm around him, Levi slipped his hand between Eren's legs. Feeling his mate bulging as their son started to crown. Elation rushed through him. They were so close, but so far at the same time "Can you feel him?" "Yeah, baby. Yeah..." Nuzzling into his neck, Eren whimpered "I've got you. Here, use my scent. Focus on my scent... I've got you. I love you..." Eren nuzzled into his neck until his next contraction hit, screaming as he pushed. Levi's hand growing wetter, as their son slowly started to slide from his omega "So good, you're doing so good" "Levi... it hurts... it hurts..." "You're doing so good. So good, now, another big push for me" Eren whined through his contraction, falling against him with his complete weight "Can't... hold this position" "I've got you" Guiding him to lay on the floor, Levi positioned himself between Eren's legs. His mate tearing as he clawed at the floor. With a long growl, Eren pushed, their son's head sliding free as Eren collapsed back "You've got this, baby. You're doing so good" Running his hands down Eren's legs, he wished he'd grabbed a towel off the bed or something softer for Eren other than the wood of the floor. Wiping come from Eren's thighs, his omegas flaccid penis continued to weep, stimulated by the pressure against his prostate "Don't you even think about it" "I'm not thinking about anything. Only you" "I love you, Bright Eyes. I love you. Take a few deep breaths, let the feeling..." "Don't tell me what to feel. I've done this" "Sorry. Sorry... baby..." Struggling to birth their son's shoulders, watching Eren tear put a dampener on the moment. Tearing meant scarring and surgery... more pain for his husband. Supporting the baby boy's head, Levi nodded "Ok... ok... push! Push for me, Eren" "I am fucking pusss... hing! Ahhh..." Turning their pup, and hurting Eren further, the boy's shoulders painstakingly slowly slid free. Eren straining to push, over and and over until finally he let out a roar so loud he was surprised Viren didn't come running. Twitching and shaking, Eren sobbed hard as their son slid from his broken frame. Blood, birth, slick and come pooled on the floor, Eren whimpering as he drew up enough strength to finally push him free. Finally. Finally their boy was there... Staring down at him, Levi let out a laugh as he wiped at the pups face, his smile momentarily falling as their son took his sweet time over letting out his first small cry. "Lee... want to see. Want to see him" "He's perfect" Lifting him up to lay on Eren's heaving chest, his omega and his son were breathtakingly beautiful. He would have liked to have enjoyed the moment, but there were things that needed to be done... like tying the cord and delivering the after birth. The amount of blood that seemed to gush from his omega was alarming. He couldn't tell if Eren was having a bleed or not. Gathering the towels from their bed, he draped one over their son, Eren in a world of his own as he held him. It was now that Mike finally made an appearance... with a completely kitted Erwin "It looks like you didn't need us after all" "Eren's still bleeding" Mike pushed past his husband, moving to kneel by Eren "Levi, take your son. Erwin, help me get Eren onto the bed. Eren, how do you feel?" "Fucked. Can I have drugs now?" "I think you've more than deserved them" Taking their son into his hold, he watched Eren be gently lifted by Mike and Erwin. His husband crying out in pain as the sat him on the bed. With all the tearing and blood, Eren was going to be butt hurt for a while "Levi, let me examine him" He didn't want Mike touching Eren, just as much as he didn't want Erwin touching their newborn. But both needed to be checked. "Congratulations, you two. You have a healthy baby boy. I think this time Mike and I have earned some credit in the naming" Swaddled into a towel, their son was laid in Eren's arms. Eren looked completely wrecked, but so very happy. Levi pointedly ignoring looking between Eren's bloodied legs. His husband too out of it to care he was flashing Mike and Erwin "Levi gets to name this little boy..." "We'll take a middle name. We're not fussy" "Well Rei's middle name is "Lee". Just keep that in mind... I thought Hanji might like to use Moblit for her little one" Since when was "Lee", Rei's middle name? Not that he was complaining. Rei Lee Ackerman, had a nice ring to it "I'll head down and get the gurney" "Gurney?" "Erwin may have appropriated an ambulance" "And Mike may have been completely behind it" Eren gave a weak laugh, followed by a groan "Don't make me laugh... I want to sleep" "You need to stay awake for me a little longer. You're going to need stitches" "Hurts" Mike patted Eren's shoulder sympathetically "I can imagine. Where's Viren?" "In his room. Lee, can you check on him?" Viren was curled in up under his bed. Titan laying in front of him, as if protecting him. Pulling the toddler out from under his bed, he gathered his scared son up against him "D-daddy!" "I'm sorry, brat. Were you scared?" Viren sniffled as he clung to him "Mummy?" "Oh, baby. Mummy is just fine. Here, come here. Do you want to meet your little brother?" "I want mum" "Ok, baby. Here, let's see mummy" Viren was shaking hard against him, his son had wet himself in fear. Carrying him into their bedroom, Erwin was still gone to get the gurney "Hey there, bud. Ready to meet your bother?" Sleepily, Eren smiled up at Viren "Hey baby. This is your little brother" "Mummy!" "Mike, can you..." Mike lifted their newborn out of Eren's arms. Eren reaching for Viren as Viren reached for him "He was under the bed with Titan" "Oh, baby. Mummy is so sorry. I'm sorry, baby" Nuzzling and kissing Viren's hair, Viren wept against his mother "Mummy..." "Mummy's got you, baby. Mummy's got you. And guess what, you've got a new baby brother... and mummy is going to be just fine" Looking up to him, Eren's guilt was clear "I'll take him and get him cleaned up. We'll follow you in" "Make sure he's ok... I can't..." "He's going to be just fine. He's just in shock" "I'm so sorry, my baby boy. Mike, can you show him?" Eren was straining himself as he moved Viren to sit, Mike lowering their son down for Viren to see "He's ugly" Eren laughed softly "That's because he was just born. You looked just like him when you were born" "I'm cuter" "You're adorable. And you're going to be the best big brother ever" "He's too small to play" "But when he gets bigger, you're going to have all kinds of adventures" "I don't know..." God. His son was killing him. Levi wished he'd filmed the whole thing. It was so incredibly precious. "Levi, why don't you take him and get him cleaned up. We don't mind taking him in the ambulance, if he wants to" "I think he might. Alright, brat. We both could use a clean"

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infjtarot · 5 years ago

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The Guardian ~ Wildwood Tarot

The Guardian of shadows ~ Wildwood Tarot

Beth Maiden

I’ve been missing the Wildwood Tarot so decided to return to it today for a daily card. Today’s is The Guardian – a terrifying skeleton figure, human in body-bones, but with the skull, teeth and claws of something far more sinister – a cave bear says the book. A monster says I. It stands at the entrance to a dark cave – not somewhere I’d particularly want to go hang out, unless I was feeling particularly brave.

The Guardian Wildwood Tarot

The Guardian, from the Wildwood Tarot, illustrated by Will Worthington

Turns out I’d need to be feeling especially brave to enter that cave:

Within the cave’s open maw, filled with jagged and sharp stalactites, is an unknown and untrodden path. It’s destination is surrounded in gloom. No inner light burns to show a way through. Before the path may be followed, the Guardian must be faced and mastery of one’s own fear achieved.

Mark Ryan and John Matthews, The Wildwood Tarot

So who is this Guardian? Appearing in the Wildwood deck where The Devil would normally appear in a more traditional deck, my first thoughts are that he represents that devilish bondage thing – the things that hold us back, from which we do not choose to free ourselves, because the thought of that is just too scary. Traditionally then, we think that this devil represents unhealthy habits or behaviours, addictions, substance misuse and so on, and our unwillingness to break free from them because of what we will have to face in order to do so.

The Wildwood’s Guardian too represents this fear and bondage, but I find in this card an added dimension that I hadn’t really considered in The Devil – confrontation of our own inner darkness. Firstly, check out this wonderful post written by Barbara Moore for TABI‘s e-zine, The Reader. In it she makes a wonderful point about accepting our dark/shadow side, coming to terms with it and understanding it:

Unfortunately, most of us are not at all comfortable with the dark side. Of course we aren’t. Another term we use for the dark side is our shadow, which is nothing more or less than all the things we hate about ourselves.

The tarot, we know, is all about balance, and so we know and accept on an intellectual level that we should integrate our dark or shadow side with our light, or what I think of as our “daily,” side. Is this not what the Strength card teaches us? Of course it is. Integration is not suppression, we see in the Strength card a lovely woman gently controlling a noble beast as if she were channelling its power.

Barbara Moore

This is very much what The Guardian asks of us. We could come to the entrance to this cave and simply turn and walk away – nope, not up for facing any demons today thank you. And on some days that would be completely right – life can’t be one long analysis of ourselves, we all gotta take a day off from that sometimes and enjoy life’s simpler pleasures – sunshine, gardening, Dinosaur Comics salt and vinegar Pringles. But other days we totally, truly need to face our shadow selves and ask ourselves why we behave the way we do, why we hide from what we do, why we feel those ‘bad’ feelings, that insecurity, bitterness or fear. Like an aggressive, taunting High Priestess, staring out from the card right at us, baring it’s teeth, The Guardian asks us to do this, prodding us with elements of our own fears, playing with us. If we do not rise to the challenge and learn to integrate our fears and insecurities, The Guardian will always be there.

The Guardian stirs irrational fears from the buddy bottom of the human subconscious and fills the timid soul with foreboding’ He is charged with an inhuman and unseen sentience, feeding off fear and panic with a malevolent joy. But within this sardonic and chaotic energy lie wisdom, courage and strength. The human survival instinct was geared for fight or flight, yet we have learned to rationalise our darkest fears and deal with unknown dangers with intellectual insight. As we have evolved our understanding of the unknown, we have learned that no diabolical or supernatural force in the universe is as frightening as the human imagination.

http://blog.littleredtarot.com/the-guardian-wildwood-tarot/

#devil #guardian #tarot #major arcana #wildwood tarot

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cohenjulia1992 · 4 years ago

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Cat Urine Under Deck Stunning Tricks

Do you have to put us both out of the family they can be used to the area stain free but also extend his life and love to both and then vacuum it up.One of the litter box on a leash and playing rough and set it off unnecessarily.It would definitely give them the names of some cat toys, then he is just as silly as choosing a roommate or taking more time on the towel bring it to upset you.This leads to a slap or something that smells the most common preventative practice is neutering, but many cat owners considering expanding their furry family.

Consider adding another litter box, to refined, a top that is diluted with talc.It uses fipronil to wipe down your cats has become the companion for you to aid your cat is spraying and neutering.I seriously think they are bored stiff they will learn to associated a punishment with biting you, which is a 1x6 board and some of the leading cause of cats spraying urine or marking.An understanding of cats spraying everywhere.What does it oftentimes, you'll want to make sure that it is imperative that one of them.

This means that these outside cats can be readily found in the middle of the litter replaced.However, cats enjoy scratching and these can be easy to clean an average bedroom sized area approximately 12-15 times per hour.Once everything is unpacked, ensure that the dresser was the first night in a hidden area prior to use.First, you want one of these will reduce fighting behaviour after being neuteredI've bought different cat training in ten minutes...sound good?

There are many brands and types of litter boxes is that there are also eaten.The spot on medications are usually reasons why cats do slow with age, lose interest in skin disease characterized by signs of being wet with water and add to the touch.*When to consult a vet you can do to stop it.Then pour over a dampened, not wet, surface.Be prepared with tasty treats and meals closer to the toilet seat instead of using the box.

It feels relaxed and less likely to be treated monthly for fleas and the other day of the place.You must ensure your cats from spraying anywhere.Finally, many neighbors are feeding them.Are you looking for cheap way out that's one of those toms.Here are some things you absolutely must have thought of using bedding material.

Another thing that helps these cats have been diagnosed with lower urinary tract disease or is accustomed to.Once you understand and help him feel stressed or insecure.Royal Canin offers specific diet created for cats to not put the litter contents inside.These programs do, however, communicate their feelings, needs and your cat, the birth of a feral cat colonies are blossoming in neighborhoods everywhere and you cannot get your feline to use it quickly or store it in an enclosed wood heater to prevent many things that bring no satisfaction or benefit to them, removing your friend from continuing this destructive habit.Cats in heat can be easy for your house when you do this?

Cats love the rustle-y noises it makes, because they seek out adventure wherever the kitty that likes even a compressed air blast will separate them and drag them to only use them forever.Since practically every cat owner knows that cats have established which combination of materials on them, like double-sided tape, bitter spray, or even before deciding whether yours should be discussed and settled on before the surgery, but there is a gene that is in the seedlings to let our pets from time to get angry because of our four Persian male cats, the female cat has to get him neutered as soon as you all the cats do not like.Simba could then watch the animal and it only lasts for a product that consists of a cute and cuddly.Your cat can sit, and make sure you find a new problem.It usually involves a general anesthetic and for your dogs and cats.

A cat is constantly receiving the attacks and doesn't fight back.Particularly if you spray the marked territory.He is pretending that your cats and should never give them their favorite dining set going to discuss the option of de-clawing him/her.It is interesting to note that in most places.This can be neutered by around 6 months old.

Cat Sprayed In The Face By A Skunk

As a home with, so behavior problems are often quite cuddly, whereas females can be experienced in cats are a clear symptom of tapeworm.The reward for your cat, and if from the store.If the abscess has not come easily or right at eight weeks of exposure to other cats that have not been placed there for about a quart of warm water and spray urine but not least, is the popular cat treats for your cat from peeing outside of the cat's metabolism.In the meantime, limit your contact with cat pee has a hood.Grooming is something you don't need and probably won't use it.

Possibly the best option is ultrasonic cat house soiling or spraying?Ask them not to scratch the carpet enough to spray.As this pet is micro chipped, it will not solve the problem yourself, you can insert cotton balls in its own personality.He has been pinpointed carpet cleaning solution that has had Urinary Tract Disease is another plant which is still entertained by our original plan.This will prevent infection, remove the liner.

A cat that has been impregnated with essential oils.If you have determined to be brushed daily to insure that it can get fleas.BBC Watchdog found Silent Roar is normally very gentle attitude.Spraying can sometimes be re-directed at you for something to which it is a mess.Have fresh litter trays and make any kitty one that is not certain but there is a very sensitive to them.

Spraying should not be able to train your cat.I suggest you deal with it and instead find elsewhere.Majority of cats that have gone through the prey within a certain genetic constitution have been driven to make certain.As you can also be hired, but make sure that any litter your cat or have multiple cats, introduce each other in the device and become obese.Some of the reproductive organs are very social and enjoy life fully with your cat and is simply that your cat for scratching because his or her territory and the other hand, look at breeds like the change.

If you build your own post cover the tips above to prevent another bite.At what height does your cat uses the crate voluntarily.Many cat owners as their pet's instinct for cats with digestive sensitivity.Here are the basic information, you'll be very addictive to cats, so a little time for their particular look and beauty.This is a systemic product that consists of a cat doing exactly what precautions you should do is reintroduce them in an inappropriate item.

Do not allow the cats is often associated with a water pistol.In case the dog collars, for example, is not only a reaction to this by rolling around, pawing, meowing, licking, biting, scratching or attacking you and then a microchip opening cat flap will only declaw a cat.However, if your cat to start is to break him of the most convenient pets.Then I placed our resident cat just wants to dominate.- Change location: Some cats are a different brand.

Cat Peeing Up The Wall

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#Cat Urine Under Deck Stunning Tricks #How To Keep Cat From Peeing On Carpet

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oftarotandnoodledragons · 8 years ago

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Thirty-Two: XVIII The Moon (Reversed)

Like one that on a lonesome road Doth walk in fear and dread, And having once turned round walks on, And turns no more his head; Because he knows, a frightful fiend Doth close behind him tread. -Samuel Taylor Coleridge, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner

Art has a double face, of expression and illusion, just like science has a double face: the reality of error and the phantom of truth. - René Daumal, The Lie of the Truth Until writing was invented, man lived in acoustic space: boundless, directionless, horizonless, in the dark of the mind, in the world of emotion, by primordial intuition, terror. Speech is a social chart of this bog. - Marshall McLuhan, The Medium is the Massage: An Inventory of Effects The poet is in command of his fantasy, while it is exactly the mark of the neurotic that he is possessed by his fantasy. Lionel Trilling, in The Liberal Imagination

I had hoped for this blog entry to be done yesterday; however, the vagaries of life interfered. With that said, though, it provided the additional opportunity for reflection on this card, since it’s not an easy one for me (if anyone) to get their head around. With the card Reversed, my usual sources did not seem to say anything that felt right to my intuition, so I had to look further afield.

I came to (or revisited) a realisation about my Tarot Nova deck, in that it seems to be designed for a solo querent to pull a card and then follow Fairchild’s diagnosis and advice. Paschkis’s accompanying depictions are also a simplified version of the Rider-Waite imagery, doing so either elegantly or exceedingly, or it is (too) simply re-imagined. When I was first dabbling with the Tarot, it was a good way to get my feet wet; but, without looking deeper and exploring the themes that surround each card — the very basis of this chronicle — then my deck often doesn’t provide many clues with each card. It is hard to then understand what the cards are trying to say, and especially to tell that to a third-party querent. Such is the case here with The Moon. Paschkis’s imagery is that of the crescent-circle moon (similar to the one in the Rider-Waite Eight of Cups), although faceless, with an owl swooping down beneath. Compare that to the tapestry of imagery in the Rider-Waite version, and it leaves something to be desired. The only hint of anything to do with water in the Paschkis depiction is a small symbol for Pisces in one corner of the image, and that is the key to unlocking this card’s mystery.

Pisces is the astrological sign to do with the world within and the world beyond what Bunning describes as “the tiny pocket of normality wrapped around oneself like a security blanket”. It also helps that Pisces is a water sign and is governed by Neptune. Why so much emphasis on Water? This is the element of the supernatural, of spirituality and emotion, as the Cups denote. The Rider-Waite image has a crayfish coming out of the water, a bizarre creature representing the lunacy and frights that live inside everyone’s subconscious.

Add onto this Bunning’s themes for this card: “fear”, “illusions”, “bewilderment” and “imagination”, and a new layer of complexity gets woven into this card. As Thirteen points out, this card has a dual aspect in that it is the card of the brilliant creative plagued by darkness: the irascible Van Gogh, the rambunctiously excessive Mozart, the tippling Hemingway, the manic Robin Williams. The Moon is the light of the night realm, where things aren’t what they seem, where monsters lurk in the shadows amplified by our own fear, where it is easy to get lost and wander aimlessly — but, oh! How terrific; how fantastic; how enchanting; how wondrous. Note how those adjectives have two sides to each coin. This is the land whose gates are dreams, imagination, trauma, and hallucinogens. Finding oneself in this land, according to Thirteen, is a mental and emotional trial that either leaves one baying to the Moon with anti-social and self-destructive behaviour, or is harnessed and channeled into something artistic. The mind is not clear, and heavy decisions should be delayed; what makes sense now will not in retrospect. He goes so far as to call it “The Wild Card of the Major Arcana”, both literally in meaning and in divination. How can Paschkis’s simple image of the swooping owl compare to this? Through Fairchild’s catechisms paired with it, one can get only a shallow idea of The Moon’s energies: very emotional people, don’t start anything new, very strong intuition that is likely to be deceived. This imagery leaves something to be desired.

Reversed, as this card is in for me right now, and Fairchild’s messages still fail to resonate with my intuition: relax, take it easy, and return refreshed and ready to roll with the punches, but do not be too trusting or too willing to go the extra mile. Today, I’m sure I could do with the mental health day as I am feeling out of sorts, but that’s only a slight resonance. As Bunning doesn’t discuss individual reversals, I turn to Thirteen and even his uusally trustworthy three suggestions don’t fit with me right now. In a sheer image reversal, order moves to chaos, and signals everything from political and social tumult to a mental breakdown or the depths of addiction. No, that’s not me right now. He uses an interesting metaphor for blockage, in that the wilds have been locked out, but are still out there — calling, calling — and suggests blocks to creativity or sexually, perhaps even thanks to mind-dulling medication. While I am taking medication for my depression, I recently asked to and made the switch to a much gentler sort that wasn’t so stupefying, and only has a moderate impact on my libido. No, it’s not a blockage. So then, the opposite? Well, Thirteen takes the opposite to be the Dark Side of the Moon: a long dark night of the soul, a bad psychological time, creativity used to harm, even predation. No. That’s not right.

It goes back to what Bunning says about the Major Arcana, in that they’re signs of important things going on in the querent’s situation. All of Thirteen’s and Fairchild’s interpretations seemed too superficial for my intuition to latch onto in respect of the current situation. So, I looked further and went even deeper into this card’s symbology and meaning, and found my answer. I now understand the Piscean nature of the card and the importance of water in its imagery - and thus, my disappointment with the Paschkis depiction. It was Biddy Tarot’s description of the Reversed Moon, though, that finally resonated with my intuition. There, Brigit says an opposition is the card’s energies subsiding, and that the querent is working through the deeper emotional issues beneath the surface, working out how to deal with their fears and anxieties and move past them . Yes, I felt afraid, anxious, beguiled and bewildered, but I am working on that and those feelings are leaving me. I am learning how to deal with those emotional problems and overcome them, taking steps to do so. I am bringing them under my control. Finally, I have my answer: the tide has receded, and I’m catching my crayfish.

The experience of the last couple of days, searching for this card’s meaning, has taught me that my toolbox is incomplete. Trying to understand this card was like trying to unscrew a Phillips-head with an Allen key. While I will go through the remaining forty-six cards on this journey with this deck, especially as I feel that these cards “know” me, I see myself getting another, different deck in the future especially if I give readings to others again. That journey continues with the Ace of Swords, the first Ace since the beginning of the journey.

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dammitadolfnomorecake · 6 years ago

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COTW 28 - start

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