#none of you (who aren’t in the discord servers i’m in) really know the characters enough to have merch of them

[mangledscrimp]

hmmm… thinking…

[unhappytimeleaper]

Word Count: 1,320+

Yes. This is self-indulgent because I already had half of it written on some Discord server from my 1 am ramblings, and I was thinking about it again. 

I left the server I was in that initially kinda took up all my focus from writing; I don’t know if that means I’ll post more or not cause really, I’m just back to feeling lonely and not motivated. It means now I just don’t have people to talk to about games or other media I love, but oh well. I’ll force all of you to listen to that I was replaying Our Life and XOXO Droplets, and I love the characters. All I wanna do now is play those games on repeat.

Also, so like, platonic yandere’s aren’t always my favorite to write, but I love platonic yan Ortho. There is something so fun and scary about it. It is kinda ironic, but Ortho and Kalim are some of my favorite yandere in TWST; not really my favorite characters, but I think they are so scary in a fun way in a non-traditional way, but both kind of align in the same vein. Regardless I do plan on focusing on Ortho in this post, but one day maybe I’ll get to Kalim.

Ortho Shroud; Unedited. Gender Neutral Reader.

Warnings; yandere content, light manipulation and guilting if you’re sensitive to that. Incase you can’t read and need to see it again this is platonic; think more babysitter-siblings dynamic.

This blog is 17+ please have your age in your bio or tagged; any ageless blog and below the age asked for will be blocked at the end of the week.

What makes Ortho stand out is that he is a kid. In every sense, as fancy as his technology is, as much as it's hard to perceive him as just a kid under all that gear, that's what he is. It's easy to forget since he can come off as ‘beyond his years’ at time. Even more than that, it's easy to forget how needy kids are. In every aspect of what it means to help others grow into essentially good adults, although there is the problem, Ortho will never reach that stage, and no matter what positive approach you take to his overbearing habits, they end up blending back too much with the childish sentience he's adopted.

Ortho probably has learned a handful of his more harmful traits from Idia, although we can't say the negative aspects from other students probably haven't also caused some damage. However, where certain things might differ is that Ortho's actions never come from a place of wanting to harm you or even anger, unlike some of the others whose yandere traits are brought forward more when experiencing an influx of negative emotions they wish to also make your experience. Ortho takes all of these emotions and processes them through a childish lens— one who becomes horribly clingy and desperate for attention/validation. As much as technology can help download guides about emotions, the "proper" way to handle jealousy/fears/loneliness, and worse, access the opposite files of what should be done for immense feelings, none of it can be put to practical use. Reading about it doesn't solve the problem; instead, Ortho can only verbatim read out information rather than put it to use from what is left of his little kid brain. Much like any young person, just hearing about how to handle situations regarding emotions doesn't actually mean they can use those tools until taught. Ortho just lacks someone to teach him how to process these feelings and the ability to innately comprehend them.

It's not like anyone has an issue with Ortho, they always play nice, but Ortho can tell it's not the same as how they treat each other. He feels it in his... gears... and hears it in their voices, he may be unable to verbalize the differences, but it's something he is at least cognisant over. He knows his brother loves him, and he loves him too, but Idia is locked away so often it gets lonely. And it's hard for him to connect with others on campus other than when trying to help; most don't want to play babysitter [even if everyone is well aware that’s not what Ortho needs or wants but how else are you gonna have a friendship with a kid], and even then, knowing how to interact with a dead child-robot AI is more than a little… off-putting at times. The world is at his fingertips, and no one really has worked with Ortho on what is left of his human side, making everything personal hard to connect with.

So if Idia needs his… space… Ortho comes clinging to the next best person. You! The newbie; the person who seems to not really have a preset concept of his creation and works to mainly treat him for what he is. A kid. And for the most part, he's great to have around— he's kind, easily fascinated [thus easily entertained], and genuinely seems to want to help those around him without expecting anything in return. It's an enjoyment to what, in your terms, would be similar to babysitting the lil robo boy, even to the point you might go to Idia asking if it's okay to take him off his hands to do something. What once was an occasional thing slowly started becoming routine. While it's easy to treat him like any other kid, there are some benefits you get to reap having him being some sort of "friend," like him helping you with the bit of school work you might have [his searching functions are so much better than trying to use some textbooks that probably are growing something].

Well, it's all great until his little brother tendencies get out of hand. Overtly clingy and easily jealous of anything that can take your attention away. Trying to read? Sorry, Ortho wants to play; you'll help him with this techno thing he found. Right? He reaalllly wants to do it together, please? Your other dorm friends come to hang out? But you said you'd spend the day with him [even though you're pretty sure you didn't], and he has a hard time fitting in when you all hang out… didn't you say you'd take him to the amusement park after Idia got too nervous about going?

The grip he has with his arms around yours is starting to hurt, bone-crushing and cutting off the circulation to your hand… it's hard to not give in to him just to get him to loosen up. The grin he has when you agree, noting you'll let the others know you can make it results in a fractured smile. You know he doesn't mean any harm, and you are genuine with that sentiment. He doesn't know how crushing his grip can't get or that you don't want to play babysitter 25/8. That as much as you like spending time with Ortho, it's the same as others— you can't really be "friends" in a traditional way and sometimes want to connect with others your own age. It gets to the point though Ortho doesn't see this as a friendship. No, you're more like another sibling to him, right. One who can do all the others sibling things, Idia cannot deal with his own issues-- you aren't replacing Idia in his life but adding onto the experience. And now you have a family here, which makes it much less isolating than when you just have friends. There isn't a reason to try to find a way home now; you have one with your new brother. Ortho likely doesn't even know his actions are manipulative or isolating; he's just a very needy kid who lacks motivation beyond wanting a connection with someone. Anyone. But it's hard to bring up these issues with someone so young, who, when you do, barely can understand and, when pushed as you've been warned, can do severe damage from facing these "big emotions" like rejection. Being robotic and so powerful doesn't mix well with the feelings of a small child; these fears only experienced with Idia being in what was considered danger before but have grown to include you. More than just danger now, too; it's jealousy, it's rejection, it's anxieties.

Before you know it, you're pretty much completely isolated. Ortho is so, so happy to have a new friend, and over time, you've gotta pretty close with Idia as Ortho loves dragging you to spend the day with him too. It's gotten to the point where updates and equipment for Ortho can only be done if he knows your nearby as well. It's comforting to have his… psudeosibling… best friend there when he's done. And as you sit there weeping at how much of a mess it's become, Ortho will be there to comfort you— he doesn't understand why you're upset, but it's his duty to make you feel better, and he'll go as far as he can't to bring back those happy days spent with him. This time Idia can really be involved… don't cry anymore. You have the two of them to make it all better. Right?

Also, things get really bad; Ortho tries to play matchmaker with you and Idia. Make the sibling thing official. That creates a whole different mess. This could go two ways depending on if Idia is also Yandere, but I also think it's funny to explore an Idia who has no interest in you romantically, but little yan Ortho just wants you to be officially connected to him. Not just some weird babysitter-friend but family! Official family, then you really wouldn't be able to shake him from your life. Of course, all of that is suited to a different post.

[sleepy-shutin]

i think it would be very cool if we could stop acting like fictives are a universal and expected experience of DID. especially if you use escapism to cope.

like, not to invalidate fictive-heavy systems or whatever, but i used what i’m calling ‘maladaptive escapism’ (not a clinical term afaik, i just made it up), to cope with my trauma and abuse for years and years, and even now, i’m still using it, and i don’t really have any fictives outside of a piece of media that i was particularly invested in very heavily for several years. 

i have alters that kinda sorta look like fictional characters from medias i like, but aren’t fictives. don’t have any kind of identification with any of the media. i am one of these parts.

in fact, it was the *expectation* that i would split fictives from medias i really liked or used escapism, (especially ‘maladaptive escapism’), with that hindered me the most in the beginning of figuring out i had DID. i thought i had alters i didn’t have, i got my parts so confused i couldn’t tell which way was up with my DID.

...until i scrapped my entire system list and started over, ONLY documenting the parts that i was 100% sure existed, or who documented themselves over the course of about a year.

and... imagine that. i didn’t have pretty much any actual fictives outside of a piece of media that was/is a special interest i maladaptively indulged myself in as a coping mechanism for some pretty horrific bullshit for several years. 

the expectation that you split fictives at the drop of a hat or just because you use media to cope or as escapsim is annoying at best and damaging at worst.

don’t even get me started on the term “brainmade” and how it came to be *because* of the massive fixation on introject alters.

if that’s your experience, then that is your experience alone, and your experiences are not universal. even if you’re in a group of some kind full of people with similar experiences related to escapism leading to more fictional introjects to form, that does not make the experiences of your group universal.

in fact, systems like this and groups like this tend to be outliers according to the current DID research and how most introjects are introjects of caretakers and abusers the patient knows personally. but there’s a different discussion to be had re: the lack of clinical information on fictives.

i’m just so sick and tired of seeing people *expect* fictives, and be shocked or weirded out when a person has few, or even none at all. i could say so much about the discord servers i’ve seen where the “new alter help channels” (something i hate with a passion) pretty much had akinator and a list of popular medias a new alter “could” be from (and i’m not joking about the akinator, not even a little bit).

tldr;

the expectation that people are going to split fictives first and foremost over non-introject alters to the point where the term “brainmade” was created has damaged me pretty heavily personally, especially when i was just figuring out about my DID, and i’m absolutely sick to death of people acting like fictives are universal for DID, and being shocked and confused or weirded out when a person doesn’t have many, or any fictional introjects, when that is in fact the clinical norm for DID.

[reap-the-game]

FFXIV LFRP – Gia Gabriella

Be sure to read the bunny’s rules and detailed about too! I rp in multi-para/novella style on Tumblr and on Discord and you might be able to talk me into in-game meetups on NA data centers.

This is a sideblog to avaritia-ffxiv.

THE BASICS

Name: Gia Gabriella

Age: Rough equivalent to mid-twenties

Nameday: 6th Sun of the 3rd Umbral Moon

Race: Viera, Rava

Gender: Male(ish)

Sexuality: Pan

Marital Status: Shipped

Server: Gilgamesh, Aether DC

PHYSICAL APPEARANCE

Hair: Black with red highlights, lengthy

Eyes: Red

Height: 175 cm

Build: Average in practically every way

Distinguishing Marks: Long scar crossing his right eye, black markings at the inner and outer corners of his eyes.

Common Accessories: Often wears a mask of some sort.

PERSONAL

Profession: Adventurer, an escort in a pinch

Hobbies: Archery, knitting and crocheting, drawing, singing, running

Languages: Speaks common with an accent

Birthplace: Golmore Jungle

Residence: Eorzea

Religion: Nothing anymore

Patron Deity: Will claim Rhalgr, the Destroyer

Fears: His past finding him again, becoming physically or mentally crippled, getting close to others, losing his freedom, heights and small spaces, beetles of any kind

RELATIONSHIPS

Spouse: None

Children: None

Parents: Ada Falshki (mother). Father’s exact identity unknown to him.

Siblings: None from his mother, probably some from his father, but doesn’t know for certain

Other relatives: Some, none of particular importance

Pets: None

TRAITS

Extroverted / In Between / Introverted

Disorganized / In Between / Organized

Close Minded / In Between / Open Minded

Calm / In Between / Anxious

Disagreeable / In Between / Agreeable

Cautious / In Between / Reckless

Patient / In Between /  Impatient

Outspoken / In Between / Reserved

Leader / In Between / Follower

Empathetic / In Between / Apathetic

Optimistic / In Between / Pessimistic

Traditional / In Between / Modern

Hard-working / In Between / Lazy

Cultured / In Between / Uncultured

Loyal / In Between / Disloyal

Faithful / In Between / Unfaithful

HABITS

Smoking Habit: None

Drugs: Mild ones recreationally, but rarely

Alcohol: Rarely

CHARACTER HOOKS

Wanderer’s Life for Me: He rarely stays long in one place. While one side-effect of that is that he can incredibly hard to get a hold of when you want to, it does also mean that he covers enough distance on the regular to be found practically anywhere within Eorzea. So, no matter where you’re at, you might just meet him.

Sheer Apathy: Are you in trouble? Don’t expect him to step in. Are you making trouble? He might hang around to observe. How would you react in either role? What manner of trouble was it? Really, you could be torching a village and he still wouldn’t make a move to stop you.

Garlean Antipathy: Forever caught in indecision between staying as far away from Garleans as he possibly can and butchering any Garlean he comes across, Gia’s feelings towards the Empire aren’t exactly warm, to say the least. He wouldn’t wish to admit to his fear, but it tends to be obvious anyway. Expect the unpredictable and oft violent reactions of a cornered animal.

Of the Jungle: Although Golmore Jungle is long behind him, he does at times, perhaps even often, yearn for those simpler days. Are you a fellow Viera, Rava even, that would bring a piece of that old home with you?

Voidbound: Reaper by trade, his soul is tied to the Void through his Avatar. Are you someone who knows of the condition? Share it, even? You’d pique his curiosity instantaneously; he hasn’t met a great many Reapers in his time.

OUT OF CHARACTER

Mun is located in Northern Europe.

Discord is available if we’re planning to rp together.

As a general rule there’s nothing I'm entirely unwilling to write, but let’s discuss everything and make sure we’re on the same page. I’m also cognizant of in-character consequences and might refuse to rp something as a result. However, I am particularly open for dark content with Gia, so if you have any ideas, do share.

Open-ish to ERP with the disclaimer it’s an IC dead-end. I also won’t rp it only for the sake of rping it. Not particularly open to shipping because Gia already has an OTP and I struggle to see him with anyone else.

I mostly write in a single timeline, but I’m not completely opposed to AUs.

[rrtfs-official-blog]

Welcome To The Railroading Tales From Somewhereica Official Blog!

After taking a poll on my other American railroad centric account (@american-railroading) it seems there was some interest in my silly oc project so here we go! Come in and stay a while, I’ve got nothing but time and passion to talk about and show off things from this series! So without further ado…

Welcome to Somewhereica! The 51st state in the USA. It’s a bit odd as a lot of people would describe it as chaotic and sporadic. But the residents are friendly and there’s plenty of train watching so why not stick around? Here we’ll be talking about some of the more behind the scenes and work in progress parts of the series, that being drawing, writing, and just chatting about characters and engines they’re based on! Getting to know the characters is key to getting invested or understanding a series, SO DON’T BE ARAID TO SEND ASKS EVER I LOVE TALKING ABOUT THIS SERIES!!!

Refer to me as Jak/Jac/Jack, whichever you prefer, doesn’t matter to me! Pronouns also don’t matter much to me! I’m sure if you’re asking about the series I’m sure I’ll know you’re talking to me anyway! I just figured I ought to give y’all a name to go with the blog.

What Is RRTFS Exactly?

The best way to describe it is sorta like Thomas The Tank Engine. The engines are alive and have faces, and depending on the engine, how experienced they are, and all kinds of factors they can run themselves to some extent. BUT, unlike TTTE, this series is not aimed at little kids. With swearing, blood, character deaths, and very descriptive moments, I’ll be covering some of the less fortunate side of railroading and how bad wrecks and accidents could really be. But, I’ll also be writing more silly and nonsensical stories as well as the realistic ones. After all, this series started off silly so might as well stick to those roots even when some of the shorts take a darker turn! So following the engines will be both harrowing and funny! (Hopefully at least, I’m not a professional writer and I’m always willing to take suggestions!

Where Can I Find The Stories?

As of now, I haven’t posted the links. They’re on a Google Doc that I have given access to anyone who has the link (viewer/commenter only, no edits for obvious reasons). That document goes with three others, the informational document which I wrote down character personalities, short ideas, and the general timeline for the series (it is also accessible to anyone who has the link), the spreadsheet which I use just when I need more technical information/need to know fast what engines I’ve added for what railroad (also public), and the super secret document where me and my co-writer (he’s not on Tumblr sadly) actually write up the shorts, which then get copy and pasted to the actual short document (this one is NOT public, only me and him have it). So for now, they’re just stories on a screen (I can and will post the links when/if someone asks, I’m just too nervous too right away). Me and my co-writer, who has Trainz have talked about animating at least some of the shorts at some point in time, which will not happen for a LONG time, as he only has so many models of some of the characters, some aren’t the best quality, some haven’t and likely won’t be made without special commissions, and none have faces. If this ever changes I WILL SAY SO, as he’s going to try and learn how to make his own models so they all match and we can fill in the gaps!

Is There Anywhere Else To Discuss This?

Yes! Technically there is! I have made a discord server for the series! As of now, only me and my co-writer are in it. I will not be posting the link publicly for the time being. I want to try and ease into moderating a server and I don’t want a bunch of people I don’t know entering it right away! BUT, it is open! If anyone wants to join please DM me about wanting the invite link and I shall supply! After getting comfortable talking to you of course, I want to make sure I don’t let anyone with ill intentions into the server, and I don’t want to be nervous in my own server! There’s also asks! Please send asks here! I love talking about the series and a question you have that I find difficult may just lead to more worldbuilding and fleshing things out! So it’s always appreciated!

Am I Allowed To Make Fanart/Fanfics Of The Series?

Absolutely! Just please credit me as the original creator of the characters and any stories/material you use from the series! I’d love to see fanart and read stories you guys come up with! Just try to be respectful with it and don’t do anything too bad with them! I’d rather not have their faces associated with something bad, but still, by all means go right ahead and come up with trauma inducing stories and edgy art or whatever you have in mind for them! Just tag me if it’s art or when you post about posting a story somewhere (AO3, Wattpad, etc) let me know! I’d love to read it! And who knows, I may take inspiration from you and a similar story could become canon! ;)

On a side note, you’re also allowed to suggest thing for the series! Characters, locations, stories, anything! It may not be used, but ideas are always appreciated and it’s always nice to get an outside perspective on things! So don’t be shy to speak up about something you’d like o see used or done at some point! Also don’t be scared to reference actual events that have happened on railways all around the world, as I’m sure I could use some elements of it in a story set in Somewhereica!

If any of the above questions I already answered didn’t answer your question please let me know! I will answer them, although maybe not right away! Please be patient, there’s only one of me and who knows how many of you!

In the meantime, these are the other blogs I run just in case you’d like to check the them out!

@kindashywriter (although my main blog, I’m behind on posting art so be wary of that, might try to catch up soon!)

@american-railroading (my other sideblog I posted the original poll to! Mostly just pictures but there may be rants and videos and what not!)

Have fun! And don’t be shy to talk to me and send asks! Stick around as long as you like! I hope you enjoy this series as much as I’ve enjoyed working on it!

[aeolian-mode]

A rant I wrote in a Discord server but because of the recent BNHA chapter I thought I'd post it here. TL;DR it's about "All Might slander" in the fandom and why I find it a bit trite.

I feel like the "All Might slander" side of the BNHA fandom is comprised mostly of young kids or people who just aren't good media critics. They want BNHA to cater to their own personal interpretations and headcanons, and often their interpretation doesn't have citable support from the actual content of the story. Horikoshi missed the mark on a lot of BNHA's storytelling but there are a few themes and symbols that he's extremely intentional about. All Might's character arc and what he represents, juxtaposed with Midoriya, is one of those things he's clearly planned out very well. The All Might critics often fail to take into consideration the medium of BNHA. for example: yes, on the surface, in a real-world setting, a responsible 55 year old adult shouldn't leave a middle school child stranded on the top of a roof after telling him that his dream for the future is unrealistic. What actually happened: All Might is a superhero who just launched himself flying through the air with the sheer force of jumping and a middle school child clung to his legs and went sailing through the sky like a slapstick bullet before somehow landing unharmed on a rooftop. He immediately tells this overworked superhero (who just captured a dangerous villain in his pocket and needs to immediately get to the police station) that he also dreams of being a superhero even though he doesn't have a superpower. This superhero then reveals that he's missing half of his internal organs because of ridiculous superpowers in this world and warns (wisely) that Midoriya's dreams will lead him, a quirkless kid, to absolute annihilation. He then leaves Midoriya alone, which is admittedly a bad choice on his part, but it's probably the worst decision he made here- NOT telling Midoriya his dream is unrealistic. Because: none of this that I just described is feasible in an average, realistic, slice of life, run of the mill Earth setting. BNHA is a manga/cartoon for children that takes larger-than-life, exaggerated anime slapstick in a world full of superpowers that would realistically destroy any normal human upon use. (Like, come on. Nitroglycerin sweat??? Bakugo's skin would ignite or explode upon contact with any open flame throughout his life. Sure you can use an excuse that maybe his superpower specifically compensates for this by providing him with some sort of self-protection mechanism, but at that point you can make the "superpower" excuse for virtually any observed loophole.) We're dealing with cartoon physics here, and a cartoon world often creates a wider barrier for suspension of disbelief between the audience and the media.

Some major themes of BNHA are: the definition of heroism, friendship, and the power of community/working together to achieve a common goal. They're very common themes in shonen anime, and the way BNHA handles it offers a few unique perspectives, but ultimately what we have here is a shonen cartoon for teenagers. so yes: you're going to have slapstick, exaggerated cartoon violence, characters behaving badly without realistic consequences, and unscientific/unrealistic super powers.

(such as: there's SEVERAL instances where Aizawa takes his scarf and briefly chokes one of his students. If this happened in an actual real life setting, Aizawa would be criminally charged with child abuse, lose his teaching license, probably go to jail. Also, he regularly naps during class and is still somehow a respected teacher at UA.)

So a whole lot of the All Might criticism can be viewed in the same way: you can't really keep 'calling out' this cartoon superhero for his perceived missteps on the standards of what would happen in real life. We are already dealing with a cartoon universe where the laws of reality don't apply.

One of the common criticisms of All Might is the fact that he gave Midoriya a superpower knowing full well that if Midoriya used the power before he was ready, he would explode his bones and potentially kill himself. Like, no, in real life: don't give a child a loaded gun. Anything that they could kill themselves with if it was misused. That's Bad.™️ I don't think ANY All Might fan is arguing that he made a good decision if we were judging him on the grounds of reality.

When Midoriya uses the power during the entrance exams to explode the 0 Pointer robot, All Might looks on at his student with pride, instead of abject horror at watching the boy explode all the bones in his arms and legs. Because BNHA's storytelling is not operating in the realm of reality! At all! The scene where Midoriya explodes his bones by using All Might's power is directly correlating to the main theme of BNHA's storytelling: the definition of heroism. Cartoon physics aside, it's about being selfless. Midoriya exemplified selflessness here, a virtue that All Might also exemplifies and values in his disciple. But: watch this show and try applying real-world consequences to every single character's behavior and you'll find something "callout worthy" in virtually every scene, from virtually every character. People who hate All Might just want to hate All Might (and often do so divorced from context). Disliking a character is completely fair, everyone's got their tastes in characters and stories. And you don't have to justify your reason for disliking them. If you want to write a 20 paragraph dissertation on why you don't like them, totally go for it. That's why I'm writing my own 20 paragraph dissertation on why I do. :P Anyway all I'm doing with this dumb rant/post is to just point out that folks are arguing over a colorful superhero cartoon for teenagers. Instead I prefer to take a peek at the core values of what Horikoshi wants to show us with this story and examine whether or not he's successful with that.

[renegadewangs]

Enigmatic Gnomance

Last night was movie night in my Discord server and we watched Sherlock Gnomes. Needless to say, things escalated very fast and I wrote a 2000+ words one-shot regarding the ending. Everyone liked it for some reason??? So here it is! (I’m not an expert on the gnome cinematic universe, please forgive me if I got a little detail wrong.)

Characters: Sherlock Gnomes, Watson Fandom: Sherlock Gnomes Pairings: (Lord help me,) Gnomes/Watson Warnings/rating: None. Summary: With the movie’s events behind them, Sherlock Gnomes ruminates on difficult matters.

Enigmatic Gnomance

The sun had set on the backyard when at last, Gnomes and Watson returned to their little home. Mrs. Udderson was nowhere to be seen, for which Watson found himself quite grateful. After all that'd occurred tonight, he wasn't in the mood for her invasive mooing. Gnomes hobbled over to the nearby armchair and settled himself down there. The deep crack in his leg instantly caught Watson's eye. He wasn't really a doctor- such a title was no more than an accessory in the world of gnomes. Even so, he found himself yearning to fix the injury somehow. He was responsible in a way, he felt. He'd been weak and he'd gotten cocky, which had made him a blind and unwilling pawn in Moriarty's little scheme.

But there was nothing to be done about it now; porcelain would never heal. Even with glue, Gnomes ran the risk of losing his leg forever if he were ever reckless.

Watson hesitated for a moment, then approached the armchair. His gaze wasn't being met. Gnomes had folded his hands together and was now peering towards his own feet. "Gnomes, ah... Are you alright? Can I get you anything?" he asked awkwardly.

Even with their reunion atop the bridge and their agreement to continue being partners, Gnomes still hadn't quite acknowledged the betrayal. It was maddening. Why wasn't he scolded? For Gnomes to come to terms with his rude dismissal of others had been the entire point, that much was true. However, to not see the gargoyles' true nature and be used by their master... That had been worthy of a good scoff, surely. Or at the very least an indignant sniff. Gnomes could have died, all due to Watson's own naivety. Sure enough, Gnomes didn't reply. The silence was worse than anything else he could have said.

"Gnomes..." Watson trailed off for a moment. Then he decided there was nothing to be gained by keeping his feelings bottled up. That was what'd caused this whole mess in the first place. "It's only us, now. Please, just talk to me."

"... I was ruminating, Watson," said Gnomes, still staring at his feet.

"Oh?"

"Yes, indeed. Ruminating. Quite deeply, I might say. My mind palace lost an entire dimension, attempting to process these hectic thoughts of mine. However, I'm afraid I'm drawing a blank. Perhaps, if you would be so kind, you might refresh my memory?"

The sober, forward nature of Gnomes's words caught Watson off guard. He hadn't known his friend to be so earnest, nor so willing to ask for help, for a very long time. Perhaps the day's events had made a difference after all. But then... Had it been Watson to make Gnomes see sense, or had it been Moriarty's doing? It was best not to think too hard on that, so he attempted to force the notion out of his mind.

"Of course, old friend." Watson placed a hand on the back of the armchair, smiling meekly. "If you need my help, you need only ask for it. Though perhaps... A bit more politely than you used to."

Gnomes uttered a chuckle, bitter as lime(stone). "Hah, quite right," he admitted. "I was wondering... Whether I actually took the time to say how sorry I am."

Watson felt his eyes widen and his body stiffen. Had he heard that correctly? Surely not. "Sorry" was a word not uttered aloud by Gnomes in a long time, short of demanding it from others.

"... What?"

"Quite a bit happened tonight. Moriarty is nothing if not a distraction. I'm certain I said quite a few things- to him and to you. However, it's all a bit of a blur, you see. Did I? Apologize?"

Watson shook his head fiercely. This was all wrong. This was what he'd wanted, and yet... No, he didn't deserve it, did he? "Gnomes- You aren't the one who needs to apologize. I put innocent gnomes in danger- I put you in danger. Moriarty could've won, all because I-I... I thought you'd..."

A hand on Watson's wrist caused any other words to vanish. He looked down to meet Gnomes's eyes. Even more out of place than the gnome's apology was the expression on his face, which Watson couldn't recall ever having seen once in all their years of partnership. What was it? Some sort of turmoil, certainly.

"My dear man, you were right to confront me with my attitude. To treat others in such dreadful a manner is already mortifying to me, in hindsight, but you... You deserved so much more and I fear I took your companionship for granted for the longest time. I'd forgotten just how brilliant you are, and so, you played the game quite well."

"Gnomes... Truly, you don't need to-"

"I am sorry, Watson. More sorry than even my own brilliant mind could ever begin to formulate."

Watson sighed and placed his own hand atop Gnomes's own. "I know. And I'm sorry as well."

For a long moment, nothing was said. Gnomes's eyes merely flitted towards Watson's hand and lingered there. Then, at last, he found his voice again. It had cracked almost as badly as his leg. "... I don't deserve a partner like you. Should you follow Irene's example and find your luck elsewhere, I would not blame you."

"Don't be a fool," Watson replied straight off the bat. "I did not go through so much trouble to teach you a lesson, only to toss away the benefits before I could reap them."

"You were perfectly content to abandon our partnership earlier."

"Well... It wasn't quite a partnership earlier, now was it?"

Gnomes appeared dumbstruck, though only for a moment. Then his lips carved themselves into a grin. "... Fair enough."

Watson took another shuffling step closer to the armchair, leaning forward and eyes narrowing into a bit of a squint. "Are you alright? Your leg... It looks quite damaged."

"It's only a few surface cracks," Gnomes replied, sticking his nose up in the air. "Nothing to worry about. The great Sherlock Gnomes is nothing if not resilient. It is a shame, though. That was my favorite leg."

Watson chuckled dryly. "I don't believe there's anything in this world you love more than yourself."

But Gnomes didn't reply. He merely stared ahead blankly at the wall. Had he gotten lost in his own thoughts again? Watson hadn't thought he'd said anything worth contemplating, nor blocking out.

"... Are you certain you're alright, Gnomes?" he asked.

"I... Yes." Gnomes blinked fiercely and rapped the fingers of his other hand against the armrest of the chair. "It's curious. You are quite clever, Watson, but then... Perhaps, unable to decipher the very same enigma which plagues me."

"An enigma, Gnomes?" Watson repeated. What was there still left to solve, at this point? It must've been significant, if Gnomes himself still struggled to put a finger on it. How tragic, then, that he would assume Watson would be unable to decipher it also. Were the learned lessons being foregone already? He hoped not.

"The time I spent with Irene... Well, surely you recall. It was a jolly good romp for a while, but I always knew she would come second place to the mysteries and the chases. And she came to know this as well. So in the end, a jolly good romp was all it was. I did not think I could ever love someone the way she expected me to."

Indeed, Watson did recall those 'jolly good romps'. He remembered the pain on Irene's face, which grew more severe with every instance where she'd been snubbed. He also remembered her resolution on the day she decided she would get over him. It was so very easy to rope her into his plans because the two of them related to one another. They both knew just how painful it was to be dismissed by Gnomes. They both agreed that the lesson had needed to come sooner and there was nothing left to salvage, but then... Watson hadn't given up quite as much hope as Irene, it turned out. It was a good thing that he hadn't.

"Indeed. But what's that got to do with another puzzle?" he asked.

"When I saw you fall and I heard that dreadful smashing sound... Well, I didn't want to think about it, really. I pushed it from my mind before it could ever take root there, because if I'd allowed that... Well, I'm sure I would've been quite useless for the remainder of the investigation."

"Oh, Gnomes, I didn't mean for you to-"

"It was a clever ploy, of course. I fell for it. Didn't even stop to consider you might catch yourself. That warrants another apology, I believe."

"No, really, it's fine. Perhaps I'd gone too far with that."

Gnomes's hand curled around Watson's wrist more fiercely. He turned his head upwards once again, brow furrowed, features pleading. "Watson," he began softly. "If I'd lost you... If you were truly gone, what would I do with myself? That's what I was ruminating on, you see. It pains me simply to envision the hypothetical, which is to say nothing of what would happen if it were a reality. I've never felt anything of the sort for Irene. So will you tell me, please?"

The situation was surreal. To hear words like that coming from his old friend... Well, the plan truly had been far more effective than Watson had expected it to be, though the result was overwhelming. Perhaps even unnerving. To earn Gnomes's respect and partnership was one thing, but to hear that his presence would've been missed so very dearly... That was more than he'd ever bargained for, or even dared to wish for. He didn't know how to feel now. He didn't understand what was being asked of him.

"... Tell you what, Gnomes?"

"Isn't there someone I love more than myself, or the thrill of the hunt?"

Watson's mind went blank. He felt quite cold, all of a sudden. But then... Also hot at the same time, as if he were standing out in the blazing sun of a warm summer's day. Gnomes's eyes were still on his own, waiting, perhaps deducing. Watson didn't dare look away. He was cornered now- trapped in Gnomes's intense stare.

Before tonight, his response would have been clear. He would have laughed bitterly at the question, then turned away from it. But then... Before tonight, it never would have been asked. Gnomes had never taken such things into consideration until he'd been forced to. To have Gnomes reflect on how much he'd always relied on Watson, that had been the goal. An unexpected side-effect, then, was that Watson now had to reflect on how much he'd relied on Gnomes. He'd wanted be looked at, to be acknowledged, to be praised- to be close to Gnomes, the way he used to when they first began to solve cases.

"I think that... The only one who could ever answer that question is you, Gnomes," he ultimately said.

"I... I need a hint, I believe," Gnomes replied in a bit of a stammer. "Just a clue, a morsel. The tiniest bit of guidance when it comes to deciphering these feelings."

"I'm not much help there, I'm afraid. I may be just as lost as you are."

"Oh... Are you really?" Gnomes paused for a moment, lips pursing and nose crinkling as he mulled it over. "If we're both lost in the same manner, does that not imply we both experience these same feelings?"

"Ah..."

And still, Watson had no true answer to give. Just as Gnomes's brilliant mind failed to form an apology strong enough to do the sentiment justice, so too did Watson's own fail to translate his feelings into words.

-Feelings? Were there feelings after all?

After about ten seconds, Gnomes tore his attention away from Watson's eyes and returned to gazing at his own feet. "Perhaps... It would be presumptuous to expect an answer to this riddle this very night. We are both taken by exhaustion, I'm sure. Delirious with it, perhaps. So..."

Still, no cohesive sentences came to Watson. Even so, he did have a reply, he thought. It wasn't a very clever one, but it was a reply all the same. He leaned forward to press a kiss against Gnomes's cheek. The gesture clearly shocked his friend, for he made a rather funny noise and attempted to jump up out of the chair. His bad leg, however, had other plans. Gnomes slumped backwards before he could ever fully stand upright and Watson caught him by the shoulders with both hands on instinct, cushioning the fall.

"Whaa- Whaaaat... son....!" Gnomes tilted his head backwards to peer up at him. "What...?"

"That was the small clue you were searching for, which ought to help you decipher these feelings of yours," Watson explained with another wry smile.

Gnomes appeared stunned. However, he soon relaxed in Watson's hold and eased himself back into the chair properly. "Indeed, that was quite helpful," he said. "Whatever would I do without your assistance, dear fellow? You truly are indispensable."

"It's good of you to say such things out loud, Gnomes. I expect to hear much more praise in the future."

"Of course!"

Indeed, they were both exhausted and had more than enough time to continue 'ruminating' on their feelings. For now, Watson was quite content to leave it that. Immense progress had already been made, and aside from that... Mrs. Udderson was still lurking high above them.

[rovelae]

Behind the Scenes of “Hologram”

           Today marks exactly one year since I posted arguably my most popular fic. “Hologram” is a postgame Saiouma one-shot about escapism, loneliness, and running away from the past. I put a lot of myself into this fic and I’m blown away by all the love it’s received, not only on AO3 but in Discord servers and other social media. All that excitement made me keep thinking about it, so I thought I’d share a (very self-indulgent) behind-the-scenes of sorts about how I wrote it, as well as what I think of the story.

           This essay will contain spoilers for the whole fic, so if you’d like to read it first, you can find it here. Of course, if the tags scare you off, that’s valid, but you might want to skip this post too since I’ll be quoting it throughout (so, just to be safe, expect the warnings I’ve posted on AO3 to apply here too).

           If you’re a Lorde fan you’ll recognize the lyrics in the fic summary – “Nothing’s wrong when nothing’s true,” from “Buzzcut Season.” The inspiration for this fic came to me while I was on my way to an early shift at work, and I needed a good song in my head to give me the will to live for the next eight hours. Not sure why I chose that song in particular, but maybe part of it is because I like imagining stories to go along with the songs I listen to, like AMVs playing in my head, and I’d never been able to pin down exactly what this song reminded me of.

           The mood of the music is really what compelled me – there’s something lonely about it, and the lyrics sound like the singer’s trying to convince herself that everything’s okay even when all evidence points otherwise. There are “explosions on TV”, and “The men up on the news / They try to tell us all that we will lose,” but “we live beside the pool / Where everything is good.” Despite everything going wrong, despite the notes of fear creeping into the pre-chorus, the character will “play along… in a hologram with you” and “never go home again.”

           From there, it was an easy jump to “postgame Saiou” and that was that.

             There’s a cloud of seagulls hovering in the air around him, and a dozen or so more standing just out of reach, staring him down with beady black eyes. Kokichi takes a slice of bread from the loaf he’s holding and tosses it to one of the birds, watches it catch it and stumble under the weight, watches its head bob as it tries to swallow the whole thing at once. It gets remarkably far before four other birds descend on it, shrieking wildly.

           “Mine, mine, mine,” he mumbles into his folded arms, wondering if Shuichi would get the reference.

           He really wishes Shuichi was here.

           Kokichi upends the rest of the loaf of bread onto the sidewalk and laughs at the resulting chaos until his chest aches.

             To start off, I wanted to create the same lonely mood from “Buzzcut Season” in Kokichi’s simulation. He’s not exactly trapped there, but he’s refusing to leave, because as long as he’s on the fake Jabberwock Island, he can pretend the killing game never happened. The trade-off to that escapism is that the only people he can talk to are the NPCs, who aren’t complex enough to be remotely interesting to him, and Usami, who… well, tries her best, but is more of an informational / moderation program and can’t offer him what a therapist could.

           The only thing Kokichi has to look forward to is Shuichi, who he’s convinced is an extremely lifelike computer program rather than the real thing, because the real Shuichi would definitely hate him for everything that happened during the killing game. He’s so locked into this line of logic that he doesn’t let himself consider that Shuichi has forgiven him – he doesn’t even have a good answer for why the Future Foundation wouldn’t just keep the supposed Shuichi AI on indefinitely, believing it’s their way of baiting him into leaving the simulation.

           It’s not a healthy or sustainable lifestyle in the slightest, but Kokichi stubbornly refuses to do anything but wander the islands aimlessly, passing the time with ice cream and feeding seagulls until the next time he can see Shuichi.

             He dreams that DICE is here in the simulation with him, smiling and carefree as they explore the weird music venue. One of them has gotten the karaoke machine working, and another found a box of kazoos and maracas in the back room. Kokichi already pities anyone unfortunate enough to walk by the building tonight.

           “Not going to sing, Joker?” one of his DICE asks (over the sound of their youngest member shrieking through seven kazoos at once), sitting on the bench next to him.

           “Some games are more fun to watch than play,” he answers, leaning back on his hands and sighing.

           “Like a killing game.”

           The warm dream-atmosphere turns cold then, and Kokichi’s head snaps over to look at him—but his brother is gone and Kaito’s looking back at him instead, blood in his teeth and face ashen pale.

           “You... we don’t have to do this, man,” Kaito says, but it’s a lie and they both know it, and he doesn’t want to look behind him because he knows the machine’s looming over him with its unyielding steel and slow slow slow descent—

           “You’re not real,” he snaps at dream-Kaito, who doesn’t respond except to lift him up again. “Nothing’s real, none of—PUT ME DOWN! LET GO OF ME! DON’T PUT ME BACK IN THERE!”

           “Death is more mercy than you deserve,” Kaito says, and Kokichi claws and bites and kicks his way out of Kaito’s grasp like a wild animal, only to end up in front of a prison cell full of—

           DICE, his beloved DICE, trapped and hurt and afraid, bloodied and beaten and helpless.

           “Why didn’t you save us, boss?” says his second-in-command, clutching the bars with bleeding hands. “Why didn’t you do more? Now we’re all dead and it’s because of you.”

             Moments like this are my reference to Buzzcut Season’s pre-chorus, where the not-okay starts to creep into the illusion. Despite Kokichi’s valiant efforts to forget, he’s still dealing with the aftermath of seeing his family hurt and in danger, watching his friends die, orchestrating the deaths of two of them, being killed himself— and then being told every bit of it was made up to entertain an audience who sees nothing wrong with that picture. Running away is not the way to heal from trauma, and one day soon it’s all bound to come crashing down around him.

             “Do you know what this … island paradise represents, Kokichi?” [Hinata] asks, and Kokichi’s really not in the mood for a lecture but he continues anyway. “Jabberwock Island … was the setting for the fiftieth season of Danganronpa. The golden anniversary, they called it. It was my season.”

           Kokichi hunches over, hugging his arms over his torso and stifiling a scream. He does not want to think about this right now—

           “They wanted it to be the best season of all, which, unfortunately for us, meant it was also the bloodiest,” Hinata says. “Twice as many participants, deadly traps hidden across each of the islands— they even changed the way the motives worked, like when they told Fuyuhiko to cut out his own eye so Peko could have a quick death instead of suffering for days.”

           “Do I look like your therapist, porcupine-head?” Kokichi hisses. A sharp pain is pounding into his skull, and there’s a bitter, metallic taste at the back of his throat. A taste like poison and blood.

           “There was so much going on that the simulation malfunctioned,” Hinata says. “When people died, their Ultimate talents downloaded themselves into me. I’m told that the stress of so many personality grafts came close to liquefying my frontal lobe. I’m lucky I woke up at all… especially considering more than half of the others didn’t.”

           “Why are you telling me this?” Kokichi grates out through the static building in his head. If he opens his eyes, will he see the beach or the dull chrome of the machine closing in on him?

           “Because I know how much you want to forget about what happened,” Hinata says. “Believe me, I get it.”

           ….

           “These things that happened to us… we can’t erase them, no matter how much we want to. Some things have to be remembered.”

             I’d mostly like to leave Hajime’s season up to interpretation, but there are a couple things I wanted to say about it. I imagine Danganronpa is like the Hunger Games in that it’d go all out for big anniversaries. So, there were twice as many participants for the Jabberwock Island beatdown that was probably subtitled “Bloodbath Bay” or something equally appealing. The game’s formula changed from a focus on the mystery and the trials to “look at all these kids massacring each other a la Lord of the Flies,” and since the VR system wasn’t equipped to handle that many people and their deaths, it malfunctioned, giving Hajime way too many Ultimate talents and putting half the cast into comas from which they never woke up.

           Viewers either absolutely loved or absolutely hated this season, depending on whether they were DR fans because of the “blood n’ guts” factor or the “mystery and psychological thriller” aspect. Team Danganronpa faced quite a bit of backlash for actually causing the real-life deaths of half its participants, but were able to weasel their way out of serious legal repercussions because of the waivers the participants had signed beforehand (plus a lot of bribery and falling back on their longstanding popularity). So, the cast of Season 50 failed to end the killing game, but helped provide great evidence for the “Danganronpa is morally wrong” argument.

           Hajime works as a victim liaison for the Future Foundation and has been trying to take down Danganronpa since he got out of it. He’s like that in a few of my fics, actually; I like the idea of Hajime acting as a big brother of sorts to the V3 cast. It’s especially entertaining to imagine his interactions with Kokichi— though maybe not so much in Hologram, since to Kokichi he’s a representation of the past he’s trying so desperately to forget and the future he refuses to acknowledge.

             “SHUT UP!” He launches himself at Hinata, his hands wrapping around the other man’s throat as he uses his momentum to slam him to the ground. “SHUT! UP!”

           “Ko— ghk—” Hinata coughs, eyes wide with surprise, but aside from moving his hands up to grip Kokichi’s wrists, he doesn’t seem all that worried about fighting back.

           The thought only fuels Kokichi’s rage until he’s choking Hinata so hard his knuckles are white. “If you want me out of this simulation so badly, you can kill me,” he snarls. “I’m never waking up! I’m never leaving, do you UNDERSTAND ME?”

           Hinata grimaces, the outline of his avatar flickering, but he still doesn’t struggle, and Kokichi hates him all the more for it, despises him with a seething malice that festers low in his stomach. He wonders distantly if he’d actually kill this man in real life. Or if he’d be able to stop himself, feeling like this.

             Kokichi’s breakdown here is more out of fear than anger. Like I mentioned, Kokichi sees Hajime as another piece of what’s hurt him, and no matter how Hajime tries to help, Kokichi will always remember Danganronpa whenever he sees him.

             Warm yellow-orange light casts a relaxed, cozy glow over the dining hall. It’s an ambience compounded by the flickering candles on the table, which seems overly idyllic, but Kokichi will let it slide because of the adorable way Shuichi flushed when he noticed them as they sat down. Well, if he’s being honest, everything about Shuichi right now is adorable, from the way his hair keeps falling into his eyes to the way he’s nervously fiddling wth his chopsticks. Kokichi wishes he could keep staring at him forever.

           Ah, not… not in a weird way, though, just… because Shuichi’s beautiful, and when Kokichi looks at him he can forget everything bad that’s ever happened, can create some new and brighter world to exist in.

             This is an idea I wish I’d had room to explore a bit more in the story— that is, just how far Kokichi will go to pretend everything’s fine. I thought about making him border on delusional, like having him talk to people who aren’t there or forget what’s actually happening around him because he’s so lost in his fiction-within-a-fiction. It would have creeped Shuichi out a whole lot.

           Unfortunately, there wasn’t much room for that past the plot I’d already nailed down, so I focused on his loneliness and escapism instead. I do touch on it later in this scene, though— the couple paragraphs where he slips into fantasizing about being a phantom thief having a surreptitious meeting with his detective under the not-so-subtle supervision of his DICE. There would have been a lot more of that if I’d gone with the ‘delusion’ stylistic choice, to the point where even the readers would be confused about what’s real. Maybe I’ll look into writing something similar in a future story.

             Eventually, Shuichi sets down his bowl and looks away with a little sigh, and Kokichi clenches his teeth because that’s the sigh he does when it’s time for that conversation.

           “Um… Kokichi?”

           Kokichi’s only response is to exhale the breath he’d been holding in a quiet hiss.

           “I-I know you don’t want to, but… but I really need to talk to you about something,” Shuichi says. “Please?”

           “My Mr. Detective can talk about whatever he’d like!” Kokichi says with a lilt to his tone that makes it sound more sarcastic than he wants it to. He takes the last bite of curry and wishes that it burns hot enough to hurt.

           “It’s about Kaito.”

             This more serious part of the date scene is meant to reflect the little bridge in “Buzzcut Season”:

“Cola with the burnt-out taste

I’m the one you tell your fears to

There’ll never be enough of us.”

           It’s a part of the song that sounds especially bittersweet to me, a bit of self-awareness between the insistence that everything’s okay.

           Really all I think I managed was to reference it when Kokichi’s internal dialogue comments on his drink being “so sweet it tastes burnt” and then later not tasting like anything. But hopefully the mood’s still there.

             “Tell him… that I have nothing against him,” he says.

           “That’s … not a lie?” Shuichi presses.

           Kokichi shakes his head idly, still not raising his gaze. “I wanted to wreck the killing game and he wanted to save his friend. We both got what we wanted. I’d say the end more than justifies the means.”

           Was that a lie?

           (I don’t want to die Shuichi I’m sorry I’m sorry save me Shuichi please I’m sorry ithurtsmakeitstop—)

           His fingers tighten into clawlike shapes, nails digging sharply into his forearms.

             I really don’t think Kokichi would have anything against Kaito, even if here he’s not being completely honest with how much he’s affected by what happened. It wouldn’t make sense to him to hate Kaito for something he himself proposed, but I think there’d still be a subconscious barrier between them. Too much history.

             “Don’t go, Shuichi, I’m so sorry, I— that was so dumb, what I said, please don’t be sad anymore.” He’s not sure if he can’t breathe because of the exertion of running or because of the hysteria boiling over in his head. “Please don’t go, I didn’t mean to hurt you— please don’t leave, Shuichi, I’m so sorry.”

           “Oh, Kokichi….” Shuichi’s tone is strange, soft and pitying, like he sees something Kokichi doesn’t, and he shakes his head slowly as more tears follow the paths of the others.

           Kokichi goes to his knees, ready to grovel if that’s what it takes, but Shuichi follows him down, closing his other hand over Kokichi’s, and then they’re both crying and he doesn’t know why, and all he can do is repeat a mantra of I’m sorry and hold on as tight as he can.

           It’s horrible. Shuichi’s horrible. Shuichi’s wonderful, and kind and lovely and perfect and Kokichi hates him, Kokichi adores him, and it doesn’t matter because Shuichi’s not actually here but Kokichi doesn’t want to be alone, just let me pretend some more, please, please let me have this—

           “I’ll… I’ll stay,” Shuichi says at last. “I can stay a while longer.”

           You shouldn’t, Kokichi wants to say, but his mouth won’t obey him. You shouldn’t stay if you don’t want to. I don’t deserve having you here. I’m not worth your mercy.

           But there on the bridge, crying tears of relief, he soaks up as much mercy as he can get and hopes it’s enough to drown him.

             I wanted to create a contrast between them that highlights just how the isolation and trauma Kokichi’s experiencing has affected him. He has an almost unhealthy reliance on Shuichi as “the only thing that makes this world bearable,” and panics when faced with the prospect of being alone again so soon. Part of why Shuichi’s crying is because he’s realized the extent of Kokichi’s desperation. It’s not that he thinks Kokichi’s apology is insincere, but that he’s hardly heard him apologize for anything before, so Kokichi going this far has him realizing how bad things really are.

             The door rumbles and slides open when they approach, revealing the bright light of the log-out point that took Shuichi away every time, that would wake Kokichi up in his real body if he walked into it. Shuichi stops just a step away from it, biting his lip as if searching for something to say, but before he can find it, Kokichi reaches out to tug at his sleeve.

           “Shuichi?” he says, distant as the waves on the beach that he can still hear if he listens closely enough. Shuichi turns back toward him. “Before you go, can I be selfish one more time?”

           “Huh…?”

           Shuichi doesn’t move when Kokichi steps closer, reaches up to ghost his fingertips over Shuichi’s jaw and around the back of his neck. He lets Kokichi tilt his head downward, lets him hover inches away, close enough to feel their breath mingle in the night air. Kokichi pauses there to give him the chance to pull away. He doesn’t.

           So Kokichi closes his eyes and the distance between them.

             That last line is a ZEUGMA! It’s a literary device where one word refers to two more in a different way. A popular example is the hyenas’ line “Our teeth and ambitions are bared” from The Lion King. It’s my favorite grammatical trick and I’d love to see more of it in fanfic.

             Slowly, he slides his hand down to Shuichi’s shoulder, using it as leverage to push himself away. That hurts even more. He can’t seem to open his eyes, and he feels so weakened, breathless, fragile. Cracked open, hollowed out.

           When he finally does open his eyes, Shuichi’s are wide with some mix of astonishment and a dozen other emotions. Kokichi bows his head, taking a deep breath to ground himself. “Sorry,” he whispers. “I just wanted to know.”

           “Kokichi,” Shuichi breathes, like a bullet through his heart.

           “Goodbye, Shuichi,” Kokichi says, and shoves him into the light.

           Shuichi’s little yelp of surprise cuts off abruptly as he falls through the door, vanishing into the glow, and all too soon, Kokichi’s alone again in a dream that suddenly seems far too vast. Alone, with the faintest taste of Shuichi’s lips still lingering on his own.

           And he thinks, It was enough just to know you.

           It’s a lie.

             Nothing to say here except that this is my favorite scene and I’m so happy with how it turned out.

             Fake sun rises over fake ocean, fake seagulls glide through fake sky while fake wind tousles fake palm fronds. Kokichi lies on his stomach in the fake grass and talks to his fake family in the fake notebook. Gives them fake names and runs through everything he remembers about them. Apologizes, over and over, wishes he could hug each of them goodbye one last time. Wonders if it would be more painful to die or to never have existed at all.

           He leaves the notebook of his memories on the seat of one of the Ferris wheel cars on the fourth island, because one time he promised them they’d steal the London Eye together.

           He buys a can of fake soda from the fake convenience store on the first island and sits on the fake beach watching the fake waves. Wonders when he’d hit the end of the simulation if he started swimming, or if he’d drown first.

           White sand, blue sea, bluer sky. Washed out, like an amateur watercolor painting.

           He opens the soda can and raises it to his mouth, but … even the thought of drinking it makes him sick to his stomach. He sets it down in the sand and flicks it over, watching the bubbly liquid run down and sink into the sand. The color’s all wrong, like blood streaked against a metal floor.

           He walks the fake streets of the fifth island, passing fake skyscrapers and fake commuters and their fake conversations, until he finally stops outside the factory he’s never been able to bring himself to go into. Smells like oil, and metal and machines and he can hear the sounds and he’s immediately back in the hangar, dizzy on adrenaline and desperation and leaning heavily on Kaito so he doesn’t keel over and die then and there. Kaito says something about how maybe he should sit down for a minute, and Kokichi didn’t agree back then but he does now, goes down on all fours and dry heaves.

           When his vision solidifies and he can stop gasping for breath, he sits up and presses his back against the factory wall, covering his ears and hiding his face in his knees. Tries to convince himself not to imagine Shuichi’s there with him, holding his hand again, promising everything’s going to be okay.

           “I’ve got you. No one’s going to hurt you anymore,” or maybe, “Breathe with me, it’ll be over soon. You’re safe now.”

           I love you.

           He laughs until there’s nothing left in his lungs. He called these little daydreams obsession, before, but now they just seem sick and insane.

             I wanted to indicate throughout this scene that Kokichi’s gotten substantially worse. Instead of halfheartedly interacting with the NPCs or finding something to spend time doing, he’s aimlessly wandering the islands, focused on how fake all of it is. Not even talking to his sketches of DICE can make him feel better. The suicidal ideation starts to slip in even if he doesn’t realize it— a fixation on wondering what death is like, purposefully triggering himself by walking by the factory….

           The thing I want to talk about most though is the italicized I love you. I left it outside of quotation marks and dialogue tags on purpose because I wanted it to be ambiguous as to who’s saying it. If it’s Kokichi’s line, it’s sudden and almost out of place, like he couldn’t hold back from thinking it anymore. But it could be Shuichi saying it, too. Since it’s outside quotation marks, unlike the previous dream-Shuichi lines, it’s more vague, almost a whisper in Kokichi’s thoughts— like he can barely bring himself to imagine it and even feels guilty doing so, because there’s no way it could possibly be real.

           Which do you think?

           Eh, I don’t have an answer. When I hear it in my head, they say it at the same time.

             “How did you know?” he finally croaks.

           Shuichi’s breathing still sounds shaky, too. “Because you said ‘goodbye,’” he says.

           Kokichi finally looks up at him in a silent question.

           “You never say goodbye,” Shuichi says, rubbing his sleeve over his eyes. “It’s always….”

           “‘See you later,’” Kokichi finishes for him. Despite himself, a tiny huff of astonished laughter escapes him. “I didn’t even know, not until a couple of hours ago. And you figured it all out from one word?”

           Shuichi bites his lip at that. “You kissed me,” he says.

           Kokichi’s stomach twists and he looks away. “I said I was sorry—”

           “No.” Shuichi squeezes his hand into a fist and lets it fall to thump against Kokichi’s chest, like he’s trying to knock some sense into him. “It was so honest, and vulnerable, and… and I know how much you hate showing how you really feel.” Another tiny sob catches in his throat. “And so it felt like … like something you’d do if you weren’t going to s-see me again.”

           “Shuichi….” Kokichi trails off as Shuichi muffles his cries in his hand again. He’s so breathtakingly smart. There’s no one else in the world who thinks that way, no one else who could possibly be that attentive and that clever. Not a programmer, not a team of shrinks… how can an AI manage it? How is it that Shuichi always manages to take him by surprise? How can he see straight through him when he least expects it?

           Kokichi’s hand reaches up to Shuichi’s cheek. Reverently traces the path of the tears falling down it.

           “I wish you were real,” he confesses in a whisper.

             Kokichi’s stubborn. So, so stubborn. And he’s not used to being cared about, if the way he does everything by himself is any indication. So it makes sense to me that he’ll refuse to believe anything good can happen to him even in the face of convincing evidence. He’s pretty self-hating for someone so arrogant.

             Kokichi’s weak, deep down to his core, weak for this man. Already knows he’d do anything for him, and the thought is terrifying—that one person could have that much power over him, even if he doesn’t realize it.

           But what if he has realized it? Couldn’t this all be an elaborate ruse, a lie he knew Kokichi would be so desperate to believe that he wouldn’t bother questioning it?

           …Shuichi’s never hurt him, though. Only that one time, when he really deserved it. Shuichi wouldn’t … betray him, even for what he thinks is Kokichi’s own good. They’re… different from each other, that way.

           But still….

           “I’m so scared, Shuichi.” It’s barely a whisper. “I don’t want to be alone anymore.”

           “You won’t be.” It’s so hard to be skeptical, lost in his eyes. “I’ll be right there with you, for as long as you want. I won’t let you feel like this anymore.”

           Promise me, he wants to blurt out. Promise you’ll stay. Promise me you’ll never leave me, Shuichi, he wants to demand, but that’s wrong, that’s manipulative and selfish and everything he doesn’t want to be for Shuichi anymore.

           Shuichi, of course, says it anyway.

           “I promise, Kokichi.”

…        

           “Kiss me again,” he says. “Please?”

           Shuichi leans in close, then pauses, his brow furrowing the way it does when he catches him in a lie.

           “I’ll kiss you again in the real world,” Shuichi says. “Okay?”

           Kokichi shakes his head. “Shuichi, please.” Please, I don’t think I can do this. Please, I don’t want to wake up to a lie. Please, one last kiss for me to remember in case it was all fake.

           Shuichi reaches out to tilt his chin up and Kokichi closes his eyes, savoring every second, burning it into his memory.

           Shuichi’s soft breath ghosts over his lips.

           “Trust me,” he murmurs.        

           Kokichi’s eyes flutter back open, searching his face. Shifting him around on the white board in his head, seeing what categories he fits into this time. Weird, of course. Suspicious, maybe not. Trustworthy?

           Trustworthy….

           “I do trust you,” he realizes.

             Kokichi’s still hesitant to accept all of this— Shuichi kissing him didn’t magically fix everything. He’ll still doubt all the way to the log-out point, but at least now he realizes that this simulation is only hurting him— that if things are to get better they’re going to have to change, too. He’s got a long way to go before he’s all right, but he’s not going to have to face it alone anymore.

             And that’s a wrap!

           Once again, I’m really proud of this story, and I feel like I grew as a writer because of it. There are a few things I would change if I wrote it again, but for all its flaws it’s still my baby and I like how it turned out.

           Thanks again for all your support for “Hologram,” and thanks even more if you actually waded through all this nonsense of a director’s cut. It’s a huge confidence-boost to think that people liked what I wrote, and even wanted to hear what I had to say about it. If there’s any interest, I’d love to review some of my other fics here, or theorize or brainstorm or whatever else  you’re into. (Ask me what Byakuya’s Thing is in my superhero AU, I dare you 😉)

           I do have a WIP in my folder of bits and pieces currently titled “boy finally gets that kiss”, and it’s a post-Hologram scene from Shuichi’s point of view to just sorta… tie it all together, have them talk things over again… and kiss, of course. We’ll see if anything comes out of that.

           Until next time!

[painted-crow]

Hey I hope this isn’t awkward but that post about your burned badger (lion?) secondary really hit home for me. I’m pretty sure I’ve had the same burned model in the past - I think I started off with a healthier badger/lion model (I can’t figure out which and am still figuring out my sorting anyway) and some external life stuff going on later, I’m really just pushing through and getting stuff done with all the delicacy of a brick. And same here with the emotional rollercoaster ... 1/2

And same here with the emotional rollercoaster of it between panic/apathy. And the burnout. And the ignoring physical pain. And I can see now how this was uh. Pretty unhealthy actually but it really was just so. effective especially given the circumstances and I kind of miss it in a way. It would be nice if I could get back a healthier version of whichever model it was. Anyway I love reading your blog you always have such insightful things to say thanks for reading this ramble <3 2/2

💙💙💙 :D

Not awkward! I'm glad that was useful for someone, rather than just being an angst dump on my part lol

Emergency secondary mode, Badger or Lion?

Links to previous posts:

- post describing my emergency secondary mode (cw for burnout stuff)

- the worst version of this post (cw for terrible memes)

So, after a lot of consideration and chatting with some lovely SHC people (looking at you @mooglesorts and you @magpie-of-a-birb), I've come to the tentative conclusion that I have a Lion secondary performance.

Which is not something I ever expected to say! I've long had a knee-jerk "aaaaa scary!" reaction to Lion secondary, but actually I think that's because I have this performance and I've had to use it in unsustainable ways.

I should probably put a trigger warning here for self harm through overwork... yeah.

So, I found this song:

(While it is a bop, it is also x2 trigger warning combo for self harm ahaha)

This song's primary is exploded Glory Hound Lion--that's not what's relatable about it to me tho. What I wanted my friends' opinion on was the secondary that's displayed here. Sounded familiar. So I brought it up on the SHC Discord server (which is out of beta, dm me for an invite link if you wanna join!).

I was thinking it might actually be the fully Burned "anything that works" secondary, but Magpie was like "no, that's a Lion sec with a Snake model" and I went "huh..."

...and then Moogle was like no that's a snakesec with an unhealthy Lion model, the masks aren't working so they're busting out Lion--and especially there's the focus on the character feeling powerful because they can hurt themself with it and keep going anyway

And I was like "oh shit that tracks more than I was expecting it to... whoops"

Badger hits different without unhealthy pressure

I do have and use a Badger secondary model, and I used to think my emergency secondary mode was just my Badger model taken to unhealthy extremes. But I don’t think so now.

First, because I actually think that my emergency mode is/was often a product of my exploded Badger primary model, which itself idealized Badger secondary.

I'm still picking through that thing's shrapnel and finding its influence in old memories and automatic reactions I still have and stuff like that--not to mention rooting it out of my system. Which is to say, now that I know what I'm looking for, I'm still discovering how far back this thing goes! Turns out I've been trying to whack this piñata for years, and it used to be so much worse.

The self-destructive "I'd rather run myself hard into the ground than fail" nature of my emergency mode makes a lot of sense in retrospect. When you tie your self-worth to achievement... well: the lyrics "I'll never lose / I'll never die" from the song seem less "I have achieved immortality!" and more "I basically equate failure with death." This song really straddles that edge of relatable but also obviously messed up. It's... something.

Second, my Badger secondary model is very different when it's not under pressure from the 'splodey primary model. I'm kind of having to figure out what it's like without that and it's weird. It seems to be a whole lot more chill and also I'm getting more Courtier than I'm used to?

Yeah, turns out if you dig out "you should help other people to justify your existence, but don't accept help back or it cancels it out" from your system (because damn, there's a system piece I didn't look at closely enough) it might have been holding up Courtier potential you haven't been using.

What's the difference?

I don't know who pointed this out first, I think I read it somewhere, but Badger secondary is very process focused and Lion secondary is very results focused. (Bet you this was from @wisteria-lodge. I'm not sure, though.)

Badger usually shows up as a few main things for me: mirroring, chipping away at big projects, picking up life maintenance and self care type tasks (especially when Bird secondary is burned), and caregiving/service stuff. It can also Burn on its own, which is its own brand of "motivation is a cryptid" exhaustion. None of this looks like Lion, so where does the confusion come in?

The only time my Badger model starts to look like Lion--and here the line really blurs with the performance--is when I've tried to get it to do tasks it's not really meant for. There are things I need Bird unburned in order to tackle (perhaps it's the presence of burned Birdsec that gets in the way? That injured confidence can be really debilitating) and I can't do them with just Badger.

I'm sure actual Badger secs know how to, say, learn Adobe Illustrator's unbelievably complicated controls while under deadline using Badger, but I have no clue. I powered through using probably the least efficient controls possible. (If you're using the nudge tool as a form of measurement, you're probably doing it wrong. I'm guessing.)

Needless to say, that's exhausting. I think there's some point in the project timeline where it stops being "well it's not efficient but at least I'm making progress!" and starts being fueled by raw stubborn determination and a little bit of spite. The contentment with the process goes out the window. I'm fighting my own perfectionism (and usually losing) because I just want this thing done.

Which, that's not necessarily a bad thing! Sometimes it's really useful to be able to go "screw it" and charge. It becomes a bad thing when you ignore all your other needs to do it, possibly because you've tied success and/or productivity to your self worth, and also you're still clutching your perfectionism and hissing "my precioussssss."

also:

It's not always obvious, but I sometimes use Lion secondary in ways not connected to the splodey Badger primary model.

(Occasionally it is obvious though... haha)

I do have this one story about realizing my younger brother might be in danger and charging off to find him, armed with a heavy wooden coat hanger against potential assailants. I went from Bird situational analysis to "this is the best weapon I can find on short notice" in like 30 seconds. In my defense, I was very sleep deprived at the time.

(It makes more sense in context.)

(Sort of.)

so.

I think the emergency secondary mode is a Lionsec performance.

This post took me like a month to write even after figuring it out. And then another few weeks collecting dust in my drafts, because how do you edit something like this

But I've been sitting on it for way too long and I'm tired of saying I should finish/post it, and tonight I'm feeling bored and a little impulsive... so, screw it--I'm calling this done.

(can you hear it? it's there... fighting my Birdsec/Badgersec model perfectionism again.)

(this time, I will listen.)

[noctualilith]

What Friends Are For

This was a gift for the lovely @bkfstclubmember as a part of Hazelnoots Discord Server’s Secret Santa 2020! She listed a few wishes and one of them was Leo&Remus friendship, which my muse practically jumped at! The story works as a stand-alone, but is also a continuation of the LoganLoveLetter collab and would be happening a few days after Never Get Enough Of You if you want to read the story of the love letter mentioned ;)

My Santa hat is off to @jacklighting for running the magical place that is the SW/C2C Discord server and for organizing this Secret Santa exchange!

The Sweater Weather / Coast To Coast universe and beloved characters in this fic belong to @lumosinlove !

Merry and happy to all you wonderful people <3

“So, how are you doing, really?” Remus’ voice pulled him out of his thoughts and his hand that was absentmindedly stirring his coffee jerked in surprise, splashing droplets across the table. Leo looked up sheepishly, reaching for a napkin to wipe them away before they dried into an abstract painting on the wooden surface, giving himself a second to gather his feelings and try to put them into words. 

He texted Remus way too early that morning, Hey Loops, up for a breakfast later? and got a reply not ten minutes later. Sure! Come to ours? Sirius will be out in an hour. 

He had woken up before dawn and couldn’t fall back asleep, his thoughts circling and spiraling in on themselves, causing a phantom itch right under his skin that he couldn’t shake off on his own. Normally he’d talk to them about it, his two, currently tangled together under the blankets, Logan burrowed between them, head barely visible and Finn’s arm thrown across both of them, fingers pressing lightly into Leo’s ribs as if making sure he was still there, even in sleep. But this was about them and he didn’t know where to start. His eyes burned as he blinked against the dim light of the sunrise trickling through the curtains.

He loved them so much. He’d do anything to keep them. And still a part of him had been waiting for the day when they’d tell him they didn’t want him anymore, dreading it with a panic bordering on vertigo. He had watched them become more open and trusting with each other, their connection growing stronger and deeper with time, ever since that first time he had noticed there even was a connection, at that damn restaurant in Boston. 

Their missing piece, they’d call him. But what if they weren’t missing a piece anymore? Something had changed over the weekend while he was gone, a subtle shift in their energy that made all the difference and he didn’t understand where his place was now. He needed an outside perspective. He needed a friend. 

Taking a sip of his coffee bought him a couple more seconds, but Remus’ question hung in the air and Leo was wildly grateful for his friendship all of a sudden, of his kind but firm no-bullshit approach and his patience. How was he really feeling?

He took a slow breath and then let it out in a whoosh of air. “I don’t really… I mean, everything is fine?” He winced when he heard the question in his own voice. “Everything is fine. I don’t know what has me so on edge. It’s just a-- a hunch. A feeling.” 

Leo felt his hands dance across the tabletop in agitation, betraying the inner turmoil that he hadn’t quite managed to hide from his voice and even less from his body language. Remus leaned forward in his seat, raising one eyebrow and flicking his eyes down to Leo’s traitorous hands and then back up again, waiting him out silently. 

Leo sighed and closed his eyes. It’s been amazing, having Remus’ friendship and confidentiality, being able to talk to someone about their very specific, shared set of circumstances, but sometimes his no-bullshit radar was bordering on scary; especially when it was forcing him to confront uncomfortable feelings that he didn’t really want to unpack. That is why you’re here, Leo reminded himself. 

He needed someone outside of his bubble to tell him it was nothing, just his paranoia, his insecurity causing him to see problems where there were none. The trouble was, he knew his instincts were right more often than not and the rare few times he got lost in his own head, he got untangled quickly, helped by reassurance from Finn and Logan. 

Finn and Logan. He couldn’t put his finger on it, but something had changed. He left on a rainy Thursday afternoon and came back on equally dreary Monday, tired but glad he made the trip and even more glad to be home with his boys again.They had been texting and facetiming every day but he had spent the whole Friday at his cousin’s wedding, surrounded by his extended family and not being able to check his phone all that often. 

Saturday morning was for catching up on sleep and a late brunch with his parents so he only got to call them in the evening, finding them bright-eyed and happy, missing him but keeping themselves entertained and-- they had talked, Logan told him proudly. About their history, about their time at Harvard. Not all of it, but a start, a very good one by the sound of it. 

Actually, Finn jumped in, Lo wrote me a love letter. Can you believe it? It was amazing. I keep re-reading it. Logan turned to stare at him then, You do? Finn just nodded, laughing as Logan blushed and then tried to smother him with kisses. Leo felt the familiar rush of affection for the two boys, his two, but underneath it he could taste the bitter tang of doubt creeping in. The unwelcome feeling that he hoped he had banished for good when it came to the three of them. 

We forgave each other, they told him and he could only smile and tell them how proud he’s of them, that it must have been hard but he could tell they were lighter now, better for it. We love you, Peanut, they said, faces pressed close to the screen, jostling each other and laughing. His heart thudded painfully in his chest when he nodded in response, I miss you both so much. 

“What is bothering you then?” Remus asked him gently, pulling the now empty mug of coffee from his hand. His hands unoccupied, his fingers immediately started plucking on the threads at the fraying hem of his sweatshirt. Finn’s sweatshirt. They both kept stealing his, and he would sometimes pull on one of Logan’s bigger hoodies when they were staying in, but he’d only leave the house in Finn’s or his own clothes, the exception being Logan’s snapbacks that they both took to sharing all the time now. 

They were so intertwined, the three of them; he loved it and he was scared to death of losing it. He wasn’t ready to voice that frightening thought yet, but there were others that he needed to say outloud, if only for Remus to tell him that he was being stupid and there was nothing to worry about. 

“I feel like-- like I’m intruding? It feels like something has changed, like they are somehow even closer now and I wasn’t there for it and now I feel--” Leo closed his eyes and thought back to the first evening after he got back. Logan’s calm joy where there usually was a low current of agitation running through him at any moment, not allowing him to stay still for too long. The almost reverent way Finn was around Logan, constantly pulled into his orbit, unwilling to leave his side and radiating a quiet happiness. Their hands linking every chance they got, basking in this new chord they had added to their harmony and somehow seemingly unaware they were doing it. 

“It feels like I don’t have the right to join in. Like I’m one step behind. It feels so private and I can’t stand to be in the middle of it but it’s driving me crazy to be on the outside, too.” 

Remus hummed and leaned forward, elbows on the table and his fingers steepled under his chin, regarding him thoughtfully and mulling the information over before speaking in a soft voice that Leo grasped at like a liferaft. 

“It sounds like they started to heal some old wounds between the two of them and it also sounds like they would be willing and happy to tell you about it. Though they probably aren’t even aware of how you’re feeling right now. I’d expect them to still be caught up in the emotions of the breakthrough, because it seems to be a heavy topic for them from what you’ve told me, but it is affecting you a lot, too.” 

Remus waited for him to take in his words and Leo nodded, wanting him to continue. 

“What would you need to feel included again?”

Leo let himself think, as he turned his head to the side and stared at the sunbeams breaking through the windowpane and hitting the crystal prism placed on the windowsill in a burst of rainbow reflections dancing across the wall. He felt inwards for the answer and when he stumbled upon it, it rushed out unbidden. Things he had pushed down for later, for maybe even never because they weren’t his to ask for; now they burst forth and he welcomed the flood. 

“I’m not sure, but-- They have this history with each other that I can’t catch up to no matter what I’d do. It just is. I just-- I don’t quite understand it, I think. And it feels so hugely important, it is important to them, but they both weren’t even able to talk about it until now, so I don’t--” Leo sucked in a breath and looked to Remus who was nodding at him encouragingly. 

He still felt like he was grasping at vague shapes in a dark room and having no idea where the door was, but letting it all out might also let some light in, so he barrelled on.

“I don’t really know much about what happened between them back then. Bare bones, yes, but not really enough to be able to understand, or-- help, I guess? They would get this wounded look whenever the topic came up. Logan straight up wouldn’t speak about it and Finn had only told me bits and pieces. Said they weren’t ready to fully talk about it yet. God, Finn would tear up if any of us mentioned his first year with the Lions, after he got drafted. Logan would just clam up and go radio silent, disappear for a few hours.” 

Leo shook his head and pulled the sleeves over his hands, trapping the edges in his fists and then wrapping his arms around himself, the fabric of the slightly too small hoodie stretching over his back and shoulders. It almost felt like a hug, he could still smell Finn’s scent on it when he turned his head and pressed his nose against his shoulder, breathing deeply. “I kinda gathered that it’s better not to ask,” he mumbled into the soft fabric. 

Remus stayed silent, letting him finish his thought, but Leo couldn’t bring himself to speak the words that have been bouncing around his head for the past few days. He was irrationally afraid that they’d become real when he spoke them and the threat, however irrational, brought tears into his eyes. 

“Leo, it’s okay.” Remus rounded the table and pulled out the chair next to him, settling down on it and placing a steadying hand on his shoulder, his eyes earnest and attentive. “That is a tough situation to be in. The way you’re feeling makes total sense in the light of everything you told me so far. So - what would you need from them now?”

Leo swallowed against the apprehension climbing up his throat and stated firmly “I want them to talk to me about it. I want to know more of what had happened between them before we met, at least the parts they’re comfortable telling me. And now they might be ready to tell me more, but I’m scared it has already changed things between us. And-- and I don’t want anything to change! What if they realize they don’t need me anymore? What if--” he trailed off with a gasp, gulping for air and searching Remus’ face, silently imploring him to tell him it’s all just in his head. To give him a solution to stop the rapidly spinning worries in his head. 

Remus squeezed his shoulder in encouragement, and then pulled him into a hug, letting Leo catch his breath and digest the words that were now in the room, fears named and spoken and challenged. Leo thought it would make it worse, saying them outloud, but as they both pulled away from the hug and settled in their chairs again, he had to admit he felt a bit lighter already. 

“It’s perfectly normal to be afraid of change, you know,” Remus said as he reached for their empty mugs and tilted his head in question. Leo nodded and watched him pour them more coffee and drop two sugar cubes into his. “Thanks,” Leo smiled up at him, the gratitude encompassing much more than the coffee. 

“Anytime,” came the answer in kind from Remus who was cradling his own mug in both hands and regarding him over the rim. “The way I see it, it sounds like they’ve had this shared experience that you weren’t a part of and they don’t quite realize how it’s making you feel. But you’re an essential part of their present and their future. Everyone who knows you guys can see it. You should see them when they talk about you, Leo, they both love you so much. Give them a chance to include you and maybe tell them what you told me? They won’t know what you’re worried about if you don’t tell them.” 

Leo groaned, hiding in his hands and then rubbing them across his face. “It sounds so easy when you say it like that. It sounds like something I’d say to them when they argue about stupid shit. Merde. You’re right. I just have to trust them.” He looked up at Remus, letting out a heavy sigh and feeling the resolve settle in his chest. “I do trust them. I’ll talk to them. Thanks, Loops. For the coffee and for the talk. I needed this.” 

“Anytime, Nut. ‘s what friends are for.” Remus’ tone was warm and honest.

Leo was grateful, more than he could say. He felt relieved and clear-headed, the fog of the past few days finally retreating enough to let him think without immediately spiralling out of control. He also felt brave; for talking about it and for deciding to trust the relationship they’ve built and the reassurances he realized Finn and Logan readily offered him anytime he voiced even the slightest doubt. Yes, things might have changed but that could be a good thing. It seemed to be good for Finn and Logan, and now he couldn’t wait to be with them again and find out how he fit into their new harmony. They would figure it out, together. 

The gratitude in his chest made him say it again, “Really, Remus, I mean it. Thank you. How do you always know what to say?” 

Remus burst out laughing at that, and Leo felt his own lips stretch into a smile, welcoming the change of the atmosphere, the heavy topics temporarily put aside. 

“I’ve been accused of that several times already. Seems to be a talent of mine,” Remus’ smile was audible in his voice. 

“Well, I’m glad, Loops.” Leo grinned and settled on his chair more comfortably, dragging his second cup of coffee closer and noticing the rumble in his stomach making itself known, now that the anxiety wasn’t tying it into knots. 

“Now, what about that breakfast?”

[lunarfly]

Honestly, you should check out this Dante Wood fella on Quora. He’s this multi potterhead ship hater who asks many rude and insulting questions on Romione, Harmione, Hinny and Dramione shippers. He’s literally become the bane of their existence. I almost would feel bad for them but then I realize these are the same users/shippers that ask insincere questions to the other ship/shipper. Guess karma is a bitch;)

Hello, thank you for the ask!

Yeah, I checked out his profile and I'm not so impressed. He's hateful and spiteful. But I must admit, he has got a very fair point. Before I talk about that though, I'll just bring up a few things:

Even though he often underlines very important issues with our fandom's "ship wars," his account still shouldn't exist. He's rude and he goes the wrong way about sending his messages. He keeps spitting venom out of his mouth when he should try to be logical and explain his points without any insults and attacks. But when do respectful people ever get anything, it's always the drama and over exaggeration that draws people's attention.

He's hypocritical. He says he hates the fact that shippers constantly generalize the other sides of the fandom but he also generalizes shippers himself. He calls out shippers collectively, as if we were all to blame for a few people's toxic behavior and generalizing tendencies. He generalizes us (the shippers) by saying we all generalize each other (the other shippers).

He hates on Harmione/Romione/Hinny/Dramione and only justifies his hatred by the shippers. But just hating it isn't bad at all, everyone's allowed to hate something. The thing is, he also claims that all of these ships "suck" and are all "garbage." He never presents any arguments or constructive criticism, he just says they're objectively bad ships because they have bad shippers. I'm pretty sure everyone can see the problem with this logic.

Now about his messages. I must say, I agree with him a whole lot. So many people in this fandom tend to generalize everyone. Examples of this?

"Harmione shippers haven't read the books! They only ship it because of the movies!"

"You only ship Hermione with ___ because you use her as a self-insert tool! You ___/Hermione shippers only want to project your own feelings onto her, you don't actually understand her character!"

"All Romione/Hinny shippers are toxic! None of them respect our ship!"

"All Harmione/Dramione shippers hate Ron and Ginny"

And much more.

While many of those claims do apply to many shippers, they don't apply to everyone. And generalizing a group of people while talking about them negatively is obviously wrong and harms both sides of the "war."

The ridiculous argument that "Harmony shippers haven't read the books" started (or gained popularity) in 2005 when J.K. Rowling said this in an interview:

JKR: Well I think anyone who is still shipping Harry/Hermione after this book –

ES: [whispered] Delusional!

JKR: Uh ’ no! But they need to go back and reread, I think.

That one simple comment still affects the H/Hr shipping community to this day, even after JKR admitted the possibility of H/Hr in 2014.. People are still calling us dumb and delusional, people still claim that we haven't read the books - and this argument has been expanded after people started noticing how the movies were sort of pushing a H/Hr narrative - people still make fun of us and many don't take us seriously. But people were shipping Harmione long before the release of the movies and they (including me) have written countless analyses pointing out moments from the books and reasons why Harry and Hermione would make a good couple but this ridiculous generalization, a kind of rumor, is still around and I don't think it's going to leave any time soon.

The Ron and Ginny bashing rumor is more understandable since a huge part of the H/Hr fandom absolutely hate the two gingers and will find anything to tear them down and make them seem as cartoonishly evil as possible. But we still shouldn't apply this to everyone. I, for one, love Ron and Ginny and know many Harmione shippers who feel the same way.

(In the following paragraphs I am talking about the HP fandom generally but obviously these things don't apply to every person individually.)

The majority of the Harry Potter fandom these days only truly accepts book lovers into discussions and their "main" fandom (people who solely make video edits or such are in a different kind of fandom). But everyone who's a book lover and doesn't ship Romione/Hinny or dislikes Ron/Ginny will slowly be forced to either liking these or leaving the fandom. Because, according to most of the fandom, if you don't like these characters/pairings, you haven't read the books, you're toxic and you're stupid. If you like Harmione, you're automatically labeled with "Movie Watcher," "Weasley Basher," "Toxic Garbage." People will start making assumptions about you and your work before they know you. Even if people learn that you're not any of those, these generalizations won't stop. No matter how much you do, no one will take you seriously, no one will care, no one will accept you, no one will explore your work. You will only be acknowledged in the book-loving fandom if you ship Romione and Hinny or if you're an extremely toxic person (that way you'll get mocked for every word that comes out of your mouth, but you'll deserve it if you're really a toxic person). This fandom also tends to misunderstand the words "toxic" and "bashing." Any sort of criticism is labeled with "bashing" and the author of that criticism is labeled with "toxic." Not that there aren't people who are toxic and hateful but our fandom tends to fail to see the difference between constructive criticism and hate.

And there are also those "big" accounts who are praised for every word they say. They can bash any ship or character they want to and the majority of the fandom (the book-loving, canon-ship-loving one that I explained) will agree with it and spread their words around. When they say something about one shipper, it will automatically be applied to everyone who ships that. If they say that any ship with Harry and Hermione that isn't Romione and Harmione suck, the majority of the fandom will accept it as objective truth and since they have most of the fandom supporting them they feel comfortable repeating and accepting these things. As a result of these things being accepted as common knowledge, the people who don't agree feel isolated from the fandom. For example, I do. I follow lots of people who ship Romione and Hinny or love Ron and Ginny because I also feel the same way about these characters and pairings. But I can't go a day without seeing at least one of them degrade Harmione and send hate to the ship + shippers. The more hate my ship gets, the more these rumors, labels and arguments spread around. And Harmione shippers get called stupid for loving a fictional pairing, so I constantly feel invalidated in this fandom, even if no one addresses me specifically. The ideas that Harmione is a horrible ship and its shippers are toxic and so on are so engrained in our fandom that they're seen as almost "rules" of the fandom and no single person can change that. I constantly feel like I'm invalid for liking Harmione and this isn't normal. Our fandom pushes the idea that the only intelligent people are those who support the canon pairings and disapprove of ships like Harmione, Fremione and etc. I understand the hatred against Dramione and every other toxic ship, but I can't for my life figure out why people feel the need to tear down every healthy fanon ship. But they do it anyway. They consider everyone who disagrees with them "stupid" and unintelligent. I feel like I don't belong every time I see comments like "Ugh, how can someone ship Harry and Hermione? They're like siblings, people! You clearly haven't read the books." or "Anyone who ships this doesn't have a brain, they're too strongly influenced by the movies. They clearly don't understand Harry and Hermione." Sometimes I see my own friends calling H/Hr "strange" and such and they clearly don't help me feel any better. I feel the need to go in Harmony-only spaces to recharge myself and regain the confidence and get the validation I need. Otherwise, I feel completely isolated and invalid.

I can't blame only one side of the fandom though. The shippers have been divided for decades now and they have been throwing insults at each other ever since. It's a never-ending war. The bad side of this today is that the book-loving fandom (the "main" fandom) has merged with the canon ships fandom and now these are inseparable. If you like the HP books, you must also like the canon pairings and dislike most of the others, otherwise you're never going to feel like you belong. So now anyone who ships Harmione won't be able to properly interact with the "main" fandom because nobody thinks their opinions that Harry and Hermione are a better match than Ron and Hermione are valid. Same thing with Dramione shippers. Do you see how Dramiones and Harmonians don't really engage in discussions or just don't interact with the "main" fandom in general (unless they're defending their ship)? They have created their own spaces, separated from the "main" fandom and that's where they are most of the time. That's where I go when I need more positivity and validation. I have the discord server and the Harmione subreddit to go to. That's the only place I'm really comfortable in. If I go to a more "general" part of the fandom like the main HP subreddit or some of the biggest HP books fan accounts, it will affect me negatively because I will mostly see Romione and Hinny be glorified and Harmione treated like trash. Not only my ship but also the shippers. Which is probably the main reason I find the fandom toxic. All of this just ties into the stupid generalization and name-calling that causes the rift between OBHWF and Harmione shippers which leads me to seeing both sides of the fandom be attacked and bombarded depending on which space I choose to spend my time in.

I'm not going to pretend that the Harmione fandom is full of angels who are oppressed by Romione shippers. Because whenever I go to a Harmione-oriented space, I will find anti-Ron/Romione/Hinny/Ginny (and their stans) posts. Harmonians will often call Romiones toxic and hateful and will basically do everything in order to insult them. And they return the favor excellently. This happens with the majority of the fandoms so both of the sides just think every shipper is like the toxic shippers they interacted with, causing generalization and all of the problems I talked about above. And that forms a toxic environment.

I generally just talked about my experiences with generalization and insulting but there are many more things wrong with the fandom, so I definitely agree with Dante Wood in that aspect. But again, I don't think every single shipper is toxic and hateful and I most certainly don't think that Romione, Harmione and Hinny are trash (Dramione just might be). I pointed out all of my reasons for disliking his account at the beginning of my post. I just wish he fixed those problems with his account, then he would have such a great one.

I almost would feel bad for them but then I realize these are the same users/shippers that ask insincere questions to the other ship/shipper. Guess karma is a bitch;)

Here's where I get confused. Why did you send me this message? I am not one of those people who go and attack a part of the fandom I disagree with. I don't constantly attack Romione and Hinny, nor their shippers. I actually love those ships. I might criticize Dramione and other toxic ships but I'm not the one at war with them. I know I wrote a post basically calling Dramiones brainless once and I regret that. I think I'm a better person now. No matter how much I hate this ship I won't send hate to its shippers (P*dophilic ships are a different deal though, those ships are even more serious). So how exactly is this a consequence for what I've done when I've done basically nothing? And even if I did, how is Dante Wood's account supposed to affect me? He talks about the toxicity of shippers while being toxic and hateful himself. Am I supposed to take that seriously? He calls us hypocritical and proceeds to do the same himself. That's not the kind of person I take criticism seriously from (ignoring the fact that many of his posts aren't even criticism, it's just hate).

Anyway, thank you for taking your time to send me that message! Sharing my thoughts on Dante Wood's thoughts and account was fun! :)

[jebazzled]

troubleshooting: common quandaries and thots to overcome

It's no surprise that people whose major hobby involves writing, the internet, and fandom are often people who carry a lot of anxiety and tension around with them. For many of us, writing is something we do to escape, relax, unwind, and flex creative muscles we might not get to use at work or school. I get it.

For many of us, however, it also seems like forum rp is a stressor, a cause of great anxiety and insecurity. We've all seen or known people who go through a major rp-related crisis.

Sometimes, these crises are truly major - catastrophic falling-outs and permanently damaging rumor mills and etc etc. But a lot of the time? Well. It's not that it's "in your head," because obviously what you are feeling is very valid. But I think sometimes the way we think of internet spaces fuels dysfunctional thinking.

This isn't quite a tutorial; it's more in the vein of my tough love re: writer's block. I'm going to talk through some common scenarios, anxieties, and other issues I see in the rp community, and offer my (fully unsolicited) thoughts and advice. As always, your mileage may vary, but I'm trying!

Topics covered, because this one is a LONGBOI:

Insecurity & thread reactions

Insecurity & completionism/ Being Liked

Jealousy (especially ship-related)

The server is not therapy.

So here's the thing about the internet: for better or worse, it's for everyone.

On the far end of the spectrum, this means that the internet is a great incubator for toxic garbage. See: right-wing radicals, etc. But for most of us, this means that there is room on the internet for weird little me and my weird little hobby. You can find a community to talk about virtually any interest. You, for example, found the rp community.

So here's the thing about the internet: for better or worse, it's for everyone. This means that while you can find a community to talk about virtually any interest, you are never going to find a community that is completely without flaws.

There will always be people who annoy you, rub you the wrong way, or who you think are mean-spirited and negative. There will always be someone you don't get along with. There will always be people who disagree with you.

I have been in servers where members come to me time and time again to complain about other members, as though I am going to boot someone for wanting to talk about x just because they, personally, are sick of hearing about x. I am not going to tell someone to change their personality because someone else, personally, finds it annoying.

Offline, you wouldn't tell your manager at Starbucks to fire Susie because you don't like talking to her. You would simply not talk to her outside of a professional context. You would simply not take your break at the same time as her. You would simply not make small talk with her when the store is quiet and would instead, like, read the liner notes on whatever CD is at the register. (Does Starbucks still sell CDs?)

There will always be people in your community who you do not like and whose logic does not make sense to you. If they are not doing anything genuinely abusive, they have as much right to be in your community as you do. There is, in fact, likely someone in your community who finds you somewhat annoying. C'est la vie.

A community is not an environment custom-curated to your exact specifications. It is a community. You are not entitled to it being perfect. You are entitled to a space free from harassment and bigotry. If the space is free from harassment and bigotry and you cannot enjoy the space because someone else in it is existing harmlessly in a way that you dislike or find irritating, you have the option to leave the community. Discord server links are not a binding contract!

This is all to say: I think a lot of us expect far more of our online communities than is fair. Remember that every single person in your server is an individual human being with an interior life as rich as your own, and a list of neuroses possibly as extensive. None of them, yourself included, are perfect.

Oh, speaking of that list of neuroses! Let's tackle it, babe.

Your neuroses are not anyone else's problem.

It is on you to work through and overcome your anxieties and insecurities.

It is kind of other people to accommodate your growth, or to modify their behavior so as not to trigger your anxieties and insecurities. They are by no means required to do so.

Note: they do need to respect your triggers, if you have them and list them.

So here we go: troubleshooting frequent freak-outs. Buckle up!!!

Insecurity & thread reactions (or lack thereof)

Some people experience a lot of anxiety and insecurity around how their writing partners react to their threads. This might surface in the form of feeling unappreciated/disliked if the thread partner doesn't drop an emoji react on the link in your server's tag channel, or in feeling like no one likes your writing because they aren't swooning over it in #affirmations/ #thread-shoutouts/ #quotables/ etc.

You are serving as both texters in this meme.

So... you don't actually know what's going on with your thread partner at any given moment, you know? Personally, here are some possible scenarios with me as your thread partner:

You tag me and I put a passage from your post in #thread-shoutouts: I am at my desk, on my computer, not engaged in active DM conversation with anyone, and your post either made me cackle or it made me emo

You tag me and I DM you to gush about it: there's a lot happening in the server right now/ I don't want to derail a public conversation

You tag me and I react with an emoji: I am at date night with my girlfriend and she is in the bathroom. I have had time to read your post. I probably haven't put it in my tracker and will try and remember later, when I find it in one of 100 tabs open on Safari on my phone.

You tag me and I don't react at all: I am swamped with work and read your post in between emails. Instead of taking a second to react I immediately jumped into my tracker to log your reply, and now I am back to emails.

You'll notice none of these rationales are: "I don't react at all because I dislike you as a human." "I actively chose to quote Susie in #thread-shoutouts and not you because I want to hurt you." "I don't DM you about our thread because I hate our thread."

It doesn't have to be that deep! Stop hurting yourself. Let yourself assume the kindest option. After all, don't you want people to assume the best of you, too?

If your thread partners know you value emoji reacts or thread shoutouts, it is kind of them to do them. But it isn't inherently unkind for them not to, either. You're better off trying to kick that need for public validation.

Overview for addressing thread reaction insecurity:

If your server has a thread shoutout/quotables/etc channel, mute it. Don't look at it. Stop giving yourself something to fixate on.

When you are worried that someone hates a thread because they aren't giving emoji reacts, instead of building a narrative in your head that may or may not be true - communicate! "What beats do you want us to make sure we hit in this thread?" is a good introductory question to see if a thread is doing something for either or both of you, and gives your partner a chance to say something if they do want it to go in a different direction and would be more excited.

If someone is continuing to write with you, regardless of whether they post an emoji, it is probably because they enjoy writing with you!

Be deliberate about your thread premises! In my experience, threads done "just because" without a specific purpose (e.g. building chemistry between ship partners, introducing a subplot about a cursed hairbrush, kidnapping a house elf) are the first to lose steam and lose interest. It's entirely possible that someone likes you, likes writing with you, and simply doesn't prioritize this thread above their others because there's nothing meaningful to prioritize!

Keep your eyes on your own paper and stop reading so much into what other people do or don't do. It's probably not that deep!

Insecurity & completionism/ Being Liked

You would not be the first person to exacerbate their own problems because of a sense of duty to the spirit of completionism. Here's the thing, friend:

You do not need to write with every member.

You do not need to plot with every character.

You do not need to be in every subplot.

You do not need to have a character in every member group.

People fall into this trap thinking that if they can be everything to everyone, it will make them popular/important/beloved/a truly included member of the site.

But quantity is not the same as quality. You might have a thread with every character onsite but if half those threads are under a "they're on the same bus" premise, then yeah, people aren't going to want to keep up with that thread, and it's going to contribute to your thread reaction anxiety!

Write characters you are excited about. But more importantly: write plots you are excited about. Write threads you are excited about. You can be friends with people in your server without writing with them! You are better off writing a smaller number of really well-plotted, juicy plots that everyone involved feels heavily invested in than in writing a lot of watery threads for the sake of writing with every single person. It's hard to believe, but many people would rather NOT have a thread and wait until there's a juicy reason to than write a thread that doesn't have any development relevance simply for the sake of it.

If you're finding that it's hard to find juicy or plot-driven reasons to thread with many people, that might be a hint to write different types of characters. While yes, people exist who are very self-contained and isolated, the purpose of rp isn't to be a direct mirror of real life. It's to have fun while writing with other people. If your character is not fun to write with other people, they are probably not a good fit for an rp setting.

RP is not a popularity contest. This is not high school. No one is voting for prom queen. Be kind and be open to ideas and collaboration and people will like you. People will enjoy writing with you! People might even go out of their way to write with you. And they will be writing things that matter to both of you. That's winning, dude.

You might be tempted to pinpoint a "popular group" in the server and fix your sights on becoming one of them. This is also a failing proposition: often the "popular group" you might first identify is incorrect, and you are mistaking "exclusivity" for "importance." Sometimes sites have a small, tight-knit group with intricate inter-group plots and a very visibly closed-off dynamic. Since that dynamic mirrors the popular girls you were raised watching in teen movies, I can understand why you would assume that these people are the most important people to befriend on a site. They're not. They're cliquey and exclusive, and trying to get them to make room for you when they have intentionally and performatively set themselves aside from many other members is like... lmao, dude, it's not going to work.

Not only that, but the fact that these people are hard to pin down? It's not a selling point! The most beloved members on any site are not the ones who make you beg for a scrap of their attention. The most beloved members are the people who are friendly and kind. THAT is who you want to Get In with.

Overview for addressing completionism tendencies and "what if I'm Left Out" woes:

This is not a popularity contest, and you are a grown up. Focus on having fun and enjoying writing. That is not something you can do if your first priority is Getting In with the people you think are a site's "Popular Crowd."

You do not need to be everything to everyone. You cannot be everything to everyone.

In fact, everyone will appreciate you more if you do less and you do it well.

Focus on the positive. Who cares if Susie and Sally won't write with you? Sarah and Sam love writing with you! Yes, it would make sense for Susie to plot with you because your characters work together - but again, this is a hobby, not real life, and if you and Susie don't vibe, your characters don't need to interact! Why write with people who make you feel insecure? Trick question; there's NO reason to!

I understand the drive to be well-liked. Trust! I, too, desperately want to be well-liked. You'll have better luck if you don't try so hard. Be yourself and make friends with people who genuinely like you. Stop worrying about what the site's yearbook will look like. There isn't going to be a fucking yearbook.

Jealousy (especially ship-related)

Do you ever find yourself feeling a spike of anxiety or resentment when one of your favorite writing partners writes with someone else?

This reaction is especially common where ships are concerned: when one partner writes AU ships with their character, or has a plot with their character's previous partners before their OTP, etc.

It's a bit territorial, and it's not a good look, friends!

Your writing partners get to write with other people. How much they enjoy writing with other people has nothing to do with how much they enjoy writing with you. How much they write with other people has nothing to do with you. What they write has nothing to do with you. It's not all about you!

It truly doesn't matter how anxious you feel when your writing partners write with other people. They are entitled to write with whoever they want! What makes you nervous about them writing with other people?

In a forum rp environment, the best way to secure fulfilling, satisfying character arcs for your character is to plot with multiple others. That includes you, on both fronts: your writing partner needs you for their character's development as much as you need them! They aren't going to just stop writing with you arbitrarily.

If they do stop writing with you, there is probably a reason! Are they still on the site? Are they still writing? Are they going through something in real life that might impact their muse? There could be a hundred reasons why they are writing more with Susie now than they were with you, and they could be anything from "Susie is out of town this week so I want to give her a lot of replies to come home to" to "a ladder fell on my head and I am recovering from a concussion" to, possibly, "your territorial behavior makes me uncomfortable, and I would rather write with people who do not make me feel bad about writing with other people."

This behavior is especially weird in a ship context, and is something worth unpacking. When you write ships, do you resent/get anxious about your ship partner writing AU ship threads? About their character having previous partners? About their character having crushes that they do not act on?

An AU ship is an alternate universe specifically because it is not real. Susie and Sally shacking up in a space AU has no bearing over whether or not Susie and Marco end up together as finals.

Just like human beings have romantic history, it makes sense for characters to have romantic history, and these plots give your writing partner an opportunity to write plots that they might not get with you. For example, your writing partner might want to write a breakup plot with weird friendship tensions, which might not be a relevant vibe for Susie and Marco. But your partner can explore that with Marco and Sally. Again: it's not all about you, and your writing partner gets to write what they want, and you do, too.

Sometimes I think we can trace the territorial side of ship-oriented plotting to toxic monogamy culture, as described here. Particularly relevant are the below:

the idea that you should meet your partner’s every need, and if you don’t, you’re either inadequate or they’re too needy

the idea that commitment is synonymous with exclusivity

the idea that your insecurities are always your partner’s responsibility to tip-toe around and never your responsibility to work on

the idea that your value to a partner is directly proportional to the amount of time and energy they spend on you, and it is in zero-sum competition with everything else they value in life

Your writing partner is not cheating on your ship by giving their character other ships. If it feels that way to you, you are getting too emotionally invested, and you should probably back off of ship-oriented plotting for a while to unpack why you are feeling this way.

That said, of course be clear about boundaries. This applies both to M-rated content and to parameters of plotting. For example, you might tell your partner that you are not interested in a plot whose core conflict is "will they or won't they." You want to write these characters with the longevity of their relationship never in doubt. You might not want a plot where one character is cheating on the other. You might want these characters to be monogamous. That's fair! It's not fair for you to expect your writing partner to limit the plots they do that do not actually involve your character to avoid triggering your insecurities.

Overview for dealing with jealousy:

It's not all about you! Your writing partners deserve to have a good time as much as you deserve to have a good time. They can enjoy writing with you AND writing with someone else.

Be very clear with your boundaries. If there are plots between your character and another character that you cannot write, let your partner know before they accidentally step in a minefield.

Be willing to step away from ships. There are plenty of plots that do not involve ships. If ships make you a jealous and anxious mess, you should stop writing ships and work on that journey. It is more important to be a good writing partner than it is to write romantic ships.

Writing is such a personal thing, and we all of course connect very deeply to our characters - it only makes sense that we be invested in their outcomes! But if your gut reaction is one of jealousy, this is something that you need to work on, not something your writing partners should need to tiptoe around.

The server is not therapy.

Because rp is an online hobby, it can be easy to forget that every person you interact with in the server or forum is also a whole ass person on the other side of the screen. Which is to say, your rp friends do not exist to be your emotional support.

Of course they can be supportive - some of my closest friends are people I have met through rp! But online as in real life, you need to remember that everyone is always going through something. You are never the only person in the world who needs support, and you need to be thoughtful in how you engage with your friends here.

Do you listen when they share their problems, or do you immediately change the subject to talk more about your own? Do they not share their problems at all - is this a one-sided close friendship? Are the majority of your DMs to them seeking comfort, advice, affirmation, validation?

If you need a text-based counseling service, BetterHelp can connect you with a therapist. A therapist is a person whose job is to listen and ask nothing from you for their own personal emotional needs.

Your friends - online as in real life - are not therapists. They will not always have the bandwidth to help you. They will not always feel comfortable helping you. The internet breeds a sense of intimacy, the idea that regular chat conversation makes for a deep knowledge of another person. And of course this is sometimes the case! But in many cases, the person you are asking for psychoanalysis in the DMs on Discord doesn't actually know you very well. And if you have been relying on them for emotional support, you might be wearing them out.

Overview for not treating your rp friends like therapists:

Be thoughtful. If you have something heavy you want to talk about, first ask if they have the bandwidth. For example: "Hi Susie! Do you have the energy to give me some advice on x work issue?"

Listen. If your friend wants to talk about their issues, stop thinking about how you can relate and it sounds just like that time you... and just LISTEN. If you want to offer advice, keep it about them. If you don't know how to help, commiserate. "That's rough, buddy."

Self-check. Look at your chat history as though it's between your friend and someone you've never met. What do you think of this person? Are they a good listener? Do they reciprocate the support they get from your friend? Do they remember things your friend tells them about their own life? Or is this a one-sided conversation? If you're realizing that you're leaning too much on this friend, give them some space. If you're realizing you've gone way overboard leaning on this friend, maybe apologize and promise to be more conscientious going forward.

Be considerate. Remember that every person you know from the internet is so much more than what you've seen - I don't mean that in a "all internet users are creeps" way, I mean that in a "even if you've chatted in a server with some every day for six months, you still don't actually know them super well." Think of other people you've spent Some Time with. Think of your lab partner in 8th grade bio. You shared a desk with them for an hour a day five days a week for two thirds of the year. How much of your life did you share with them?

This tutorial got LONG - sorry, friends! Lots to talk about. I'm always happy to give Real TalksTM like this one. Feel free to drop into my askbox if you have a topic you'd like me to cover. I'm full of thoughts and feelings, and it would give me great joy for y'all to ask for them for once.

I hope this is helpful, and wish all y'all the best. Happy writing!

[bokunoheroanalysisforthefuture]

Alright, chapter 8! And man is there a lot to talk about here. I don’t really have any pre-content things to say, so we’ll just hop right into it today!

[No. 8 - Rage, You Damned Nerd]

I swear, this first page has a LOT to talk about on it, so I’ll go from panel to panel and do some rambling thoughts on each segment. 

First off, UA doesn’t actually handle the costumes the kids get! It’s support companies affiliated with the school that does - which makes sense, since the school has to focus on teaching their support students before letting them get their hands on actual costumes that these kids might be fighting in.

I mean, they seem to be allowed to practice on like, minor support stuff (read: Mei making Izuku his new gloves post-Nighteye or somewhere around there) but not full costuming, which is… actually a bit reassuring? But also explains some of the lag time in getting costume repairs / upgrades since they’re probably busy companies. It also explains why there probably aren’t major alterations to any costumes besides between the summer and winter variants, since it would be time-consuming to remake these costumes so regularly.

(It still doesn’t excuse some of the costumes the kids got, but that’s more on the whole ‘eye candy’ thing for readers than actual practicality, so whatever.)

(Also, I can’t get over the fact that Snipe has a support company. Fucking Snipe. Guess we know another canon or likely-canon Support teacher.)

Next we get a preview of what the kids sent in for specifications for their costumes:

We get a bit of insight into a few of the characters - as background stuff, we get Shouji, Mineta, Aoyama, and Sato. Mineta got pretty dunked on for char design and costuming, and Aoyama’s costume almost looks like a magical girl outfit like this, which honest to god would have been fantastic to see him in. More interesting (at least to me) are the other three: Ochako, Tenya, and Katsuki.

Ochako first, because that pressure point thing is interesting, and I dunno how often those actually come up in fics besides a passing mention, like. What if her support bracelets / neck piece broke during training / a mission / whatever? Would she suddenly have to fight through the nausea? By the point of current canon (War Arc) she’s probably trained enough that she doesn’t need them as much, but man, it could be an interesting little thing to explore, like, post-Kamino.

Tenya is a bit surprising, since we know he comes from a well-off hero family. Logically, this was before the whole Hosu / Ingenium plotline was really developed, so Tenya didn’t have that to fall back on, or it could be argued that the support company that Ingenium is associated with also works with UA. Alternatively, it could be that either Tenya didn’t want to rely on his family (which seems silly when they’d know how to work with his quirk best) or UA is very firm on ALL costume stuff going through them…

But then again, Katsuki. Oh god, Katsuki. What fucking support company looked at this kid and went ‘yeah we should give him a way to store more explosives AND give him bombs’ and just. Did so. Why did UA not vet that. Maybe the support company didn’t realize how strong his explosions were without the gear, but UA, man, I just. I suppose they had no way of knowing how reckless he’d be with them, but honestly, after the battle trials, they should have been fucking yoinked from him so damned fast. 

Anyways, onto other parts of Katsuki’s costume, we see he’s a fucking dork. Possibly what lowered their guard. ‘Something scary’ and ‘Dynamighte all over’. What the hell, kid. At least your designer stuck close to your design… including the huge-ass clunky gauntlets. Man, the Musketeer Trio movie poster ones are so much better looking and so, so streamlined. Works of art, they are.

Moving on, we get a bit of a flashback to ~three weeks ago, which by the calendar would be around March 20th? So a few weeks after the Entrance Exam. And Izuku is only NOW getting around to updating the quirk registry? Izuku baby seriously, how the FUCK did none of the UA staff notice the ‘quirkless’ on your application form at any point before this?

But yeah, he’s worried about his registry, so he calls Toshinori, who explains the update process. It gives the example of someone who might alter their stuff with updated information, with one or two allowed - though major ones aren’t accepted. Toshinori then says it’ll probably be okay since he started with nothing, then tries to correct himself to ‘definitely’, only to get cut off because Izuku accidentally hangs up in a panic when Inko calls out that she’s home. Haha poor Toshinori, and poor Izuku, the two anxious dumbasses. 

Anyways, moving on from that is Inko showing off the jumpsuit she made, with Izuku surprised. She admits it’s not the coolest, but she based it off of the design in his notebook (the one we saw back in chapter 1). She tells him she regrets giving up on him back then, and how he never quit regardless of her faith. She apologizes and says from there on she’ll be cheering him on with all she’s got. 

Izuku’s narration notes that it’s a symbol of his mom’s love, and that he couldn’t wear anything else, even if it’s not ‘efficient’ or ‘cutting edge’. (Or even at all decent looking.) And it’s also hinted through the present thoughts on it that it’s meant to be an homage to All Might (the smile and the hair pieces) which is just such a dorky thing.

We get to the wide-spread of hero costumes, which- wait a second.

That’s Momo’s initial hero costume design???? Why did Hori not stay with that??? It’s a LOT better than the stuff we’ve seen her in later! Like, sure, it’d still be improved with the main opening being her stomach and not her chest, but this still looks like actual human clothing and not a sexy Halloween costume variant of her hero uniform. Fucking hell, now I’m even more mad.

Tsuyu’s costume meets the approval of the discord server as basically ‘no changes needed’ asides from maybe the goggles being a bit bulky.

Tenya’s costume, I’m sorry, I know it’s an homage to your brother / family, but were the additional pipes really needed? Also, the helmet isn’t a bad idea since he goes fast, and bugs in the mouth/teeth have to suck, but it just looks so damned Gundam-y I can’t help but laugh a little.

Shouto… nah, too easy a target.

Aoyama is Aoyama. I’m actually a bit disappointed now that it’s not a magical girl costume, but alas, I suppose even Hori couldn’t be that brave.

Kaminari… I forgot he had that headset thingy. 

Don’t really have much else to say about anyone else, so let’s move on.

Izuku bugs out a bit about Ochako’s costume/appearance, while she compliments his more practical looks and laments not being specific, saying it’s a bit too puffy and curvy for her. Which means it’s more the accessories which seem to be her issue with it over the main costume itself? Huh.

Anyways, after All Might confirms they’re all there, he notices Izuku’s headpieces, which are a match to his costume, and has to turn to muffle a laugh for how obvious a reference it is. Tenya steps up, asking whether they’ll be doing cityscape maneuvers again since it’s the same field used in the entrance exam. Izuku thinks to himself how cool Tenya’s costume is, while All Might explains that they’re moving onto step two - indoor anti-personnel battle training!

He explains what while villain battles are most commonly seen outdoors, statistically the worst crimes and villains are more likely to be found indoors. Confinement, house arrest, black market deals… the clever villains luck indoors to avoid heroes. Which is why the class will be split into teams of two and pit against each other, heroes versus villains style!

Ah, Tsuyu. Calling him right the heck out, as expected. All Might then notes that in this scenario, the fight won’t be against disposable robots. 

This entire page is just fucking hilarious. The class and all their questions while All Might is shaking with nerves. The fucking cheat sheet he uses to try to get back on track. Him being questioned on the lot drawing, and shaking while Izuku accidentally ends up covering for him. I just. All Might was not prepared for this mess and it shows. He was doing so much better when it was the one on one stuff with Izuku.

But yeah, Izuku notes the scenario is like from a western comic plot, and he’s also the one who ‘realizes’ the lots are like when heroes from different agencies have to team up for emergencies without prior warning. 

Lots are drawn, and we have our teams:

Izuku’s so stressed out because he still can’t really talk to her, while she’s excited to be teamed up and calls it ‘fate’ that it happened. All Might draws the first two teams to participate, and… team Izuku and Ochako (as the heroes) versus team Katsuki and Tenya (as the villains). Both Izuku and Katsuki are alert from this development…

Which makes this a good point to cut off, since it’s halfway through and we got a lot of information to chew on already. Second part should be out this weekend (hopefully). 

[jamgrlsblog]

2020 Fic Roundup

When I started 2020, I had no idea I would write as much as I did! I was starting my first Ineffable Wives fic, which became a theme of the year 😂. When I finished District of (un-)Certainty in 2019, I thought that would be my last idea (except for a sequel I started and never finished: whoops). Instead, I completed 8 fics and 2 podfics and wrote a little more than half of an ongoing WIP I still haven’t finished. That’s a total of 11 works listed under 2020 on AO3! (And 130k words.) Here’s a roundup ☺️.

Peaches, Apples, and Other Forbidden Fruit (Fic & Podfic) 

55k, E

This was my first wives fic and started with a prologue that just popped into my head one night. I really wanted to write about what it was like to be a woman, with all those little vanities and insecurities that complicate self image, and with a deep connection to classic books about women influencing and shaping how she might interact with the world. And then I made it Southern and threw Aziraphale into a sorority with Crowley 😂. And it became about internalized biphobia and about unlearning biases and about love formed of long time friendship and deep knowing.

I decided to podfic it as I was writing because I wrote Crowley as dyslexic and I decided, out of honor for her, to make a more accessible version of the fic 😅. This was a total whim- I had no idea what I was getting into, but boy did I learn on the job! I read the entire fic in a Southern accent and had a lot of fun. I also drove my spouse crazy because I made him stay quiet while I was recording, but he bought me a “how to podcast” book for Christmas, so maybe you’ll get more podfic in the future 😉.

I made friends, thanks to this fic, including @miss-minnelli and @tawnyontumblr, who I can’t imagine not knowing now! I also made friends with @leoswork, who made 3 art pieces inspired by this fic, which I am still amazed by!

Oil Paint Stains

498 words, G

This was written for a “Name that Author” game in the Good Omens Events discord server and was such fun! I hardly knew anyone at that time and threw myself in anyways. It was a great way to get started making friends and a great little challenge to write a fic under 500 words! This, I think, is when I firmly established myself as a Wives writer 😂. 

Class Action

500 words, M

Listen, this was another “Name that Author” game, and I wanted to try a new pairing to change things up (I knew if I wrote wives again, I would be known) and I wanted to try writing exactly 500 words as an extra challenge. I didn’t know I would post it. I certainly didn’t know it would have the most kudos of 2020. Literally just a silly Warlock/Adam thing.

Strawberries Aren’t Forbidden (Fic & Podfic) 

8k, E

This is a companion piece to Peaches, Apples, and Other Forbidden Fruit about just how Crowley was doing all that time that Zira was pining 😂 (hint: she was also pining). Writing this on the side tempered my writing of the first fic by helping me remember how Crowley was feeling the whole time! This is pretty angsty, tbh, but we’ve got a fun and happy ending. I podficced this because I had to to keep with the first one! This one is in Crowley’s valley girl accent (aka, mostly just how I usually talk 😅.)

Summer Swims and Strings

5k, M

I wrote this for @suvroc as part of the Wives October gift exchange. This was my first exchange and I was so nervous about my giftee liking it! I really enjoyed writing reconnected lovers. The general tone and feel of this fic was heavily influenced by Folklore, which I was very into when writing this, so we’ve got a calm, reflective, and full of love lakeside fic!

Frights and Feelings

4k, T

This one was for @sk3tchid, also for the Wives gift exchange! I got to do something spooky and Halloweeny, which I was thrilled about. I took a big risk with this fic- I wrote two stories in one fic. I decided “ooh, what if they are watching a spooky movie!” so I could somehow fit spooky and cozy homey feels in one fic. And it worked? I guess 😂. Regardless, it was lots of fun!

cowgirl like me

6k, T

This fic started as me shouting about Evermore on the Wives discord server and I happened to mention that cowboy like me was giving me ineffable spouses feels, and being on the wives server, I got the response of wives? Wives! And I was like, nah, I don’t have time. And then I thought, well, and I wrote this fic over the course of one weekend. @tawnyontumblr made it readable 😂.

lover

4k, T

This was a companion to cowgirl like me. I had just gotten married and was having feels about Crowley and the late husband I invented for the first fic (which is Eric the Disposable Demon! So cute!) and also feels about marriage in general. So I wrote this little vignette thing, and my first f/m fic! I didn’t think anyone would read it, but @tawnyontumblr encouraged me to write it anyways ☺️. She really made this readable. I gave her a skeleton of a fic that she encouraged me to actually flesh out!

Star of the Wooded Mountain

WIP, 46k+, T

Listing this one last, even though it was 4th to start posting and the 2nd to start writing. I started posting this in June!! I actually believed that I would be able to write and post my entire summer camp fic during the summer and it would be like “ooh, seasonally appropriate!”. Lol. I’ve got 6/10 chapters up currently.

This is part of the Good AUmens event and how I was introduced to the Good Omens Events discord server!! I’m so glad I signed up for this event because this server has become such a huge part of my life and has been a place where I’ve made so many friends!

I signed up for the event saying I was going to write a wives fic, as was my 2020 theme. But when I actually sat down to write, I started writing Crowley as a non-binary/agender character instead. This fic became an exploration of gender and identity and navigating early adulthood. I met @parmejeannecheese thanks to this fic, who stepped up, never having sensitivity read before, and has put so much time and thought into helping me with this fic. I cannot overstate how amazing they are and how lucky I was to find them. 

I have learned so much writing this fic!! And it has become so much bigger and better than I could have imagined. I’m excited to keep posting this one into 2021 ☺️.

And that’s all my fics of 2020! I hope some of you have enjoyed them or might enjoy them in the future! Here’s to what may come in 2021! Maybe I’ll write a husbands fic again one day? Literally wrote none in 2020 😂.

[foundthe8wing]

I know exactly what I mean when I say “the dndads team is endangering minors in their spaces,” but I think from the outside, seeing that sentiment repeated, it’s easy to interpret it as rhetoric or as something like “if you’ve ever mentioned the existence of sex you’re a danger to children” when that isn’t the argument here at all. So I want to do my best to lay out why we call it dangerous.

CW: discussion of grooming (a bit more specifically than in previous posts of mine)

For context, these are the rules for the dndads patron server, at least as of October 4:

[ID: a discord message from Freddie:

In order to keep this a safe and welcoming community, we have some rules and guidelines everyone must follow.

If you need help or if anyone makes you uncomfortable (in chat or in DMs), the mods are here for you! You can ping them in the chat by using @/moderator, message the group using @/ModMail, or if you’d prefer to discuss a matter privately 1-on-1, you can also PM the community manager @/Ash or moderators directly.

Listen to the mods! They enforce the rules. Infractions are handled on a case-by-case basis. Breaking the rules will result in you being muted for a duration determined by severity and infraction history. 

We’ve enabled nicknamed editing on the server, so please feel free to append your preferred pronouns at the end of your username.

Always remember these basic guidelines:

This is an 18+ space. Per Patreon’s policy, you must be 18+ or have parental permission.

Keep conversation polite. NSFW content is not allowed!

Stay on topic! If you find yourself drifting off topic, move to another channel. When in doubt, go to #shoot-the-breeze or #shoot-the-breeze-2 /End ID]

You’ll note the policy against NSFW content, but damn, I don’t know what kind of world they live in where linking kink tests and writing erotica are SFW activities. Definitely wouldn’t fly at my job, I’ll tell you that. Anyway.

I’m not saying that everyone who’s ever discussed sex in the presence of a minor is a predator, or that these discussions are always, definitely a slippery slope to kids getting groomed. But I’m saying that when the cast says things like “Grant has never jerked off in that house” and “there’s so much sexual tension between Bella and Dr. Cullen” and “Glenn definitely looks through Nick’s porn history,” among other things; and when they then allow people to regularly discuss sex acts and share kink test results and erotica in their server (yes, even if it’s meant as a joke), they’re making it much easier for predators to approach minors, and much harder for those minors to then be able to tell when lines are being crossed. 

You know the saying about how you can boil a frog and it won’t hop out of the pot as long as you heat it up slowly? The server is getting uncomfortably warm, and it makes it that much easier for someone to turn it up a few degrees in private. It contributes to things like, for example, 9th grade me not pushing back when a then-20-year old made comments on all the “sexual tension” between me and one of my classmates (in response to me telling a story from when we were eleven). 

I believe that if a 14-year-old in a position like the one I was in said “hey, this person keeps asking invasive sexual questions and I’m uncomfortable,” the mods would do something (though whether it’d be handled well is still questionable), but I don’t feel confident that that hypothetical kid has a good reason to believe that’s the case. If I was in a similar situation, I can’t cite anything that would make me feel like I’d be supported and have my concerns addressed, or that would validate my discomfort with the situation, and I can actually point to a lot of things that send the opposite message. 

Because if that kid takes a look around the server and sees that plenty of adults here are bringing up sexual topics in this all-ages space anyway, that no one in charge is objecting to users sexually discussing 13-year-old characters, that Anthony considers “why, did the podcast make you nut” a perfectly acceptable thing to say unprompted . . . it doesn’t give a great impression that whoever they approach will take them seriously if they ask for help. It doesn’t give them a good basis for trusting their instinct that something is off with the way they’re being spoken to. That piece is vital, and it’s where the cast, community manager, and moderators have failed over and over and over. 

Simply saying “if anyone makes you uncomfortable (in chat or in DMs), the mods are here for you!” isn’t sufficient when it’s not coupled with a direct statement that adults approaching minors about sexual topics isn’t okay. It’s not cool for adults to be having explicit conversations with or around minors. There is no good reason for an adult to be asking or speculating about a minor’s sexual behaviors, or discussing their own sex life with minors, or sharing/discussing explicit media with them. Make that clear. It’s not the kid’s job to automatically know this; it’s your job to tell them. 

(Which isn’t to say that an action has to definitively cross that line in order for someone to express discomfort-- “these things aren’t okay, and if you’re unsure, you can reach out anyway” would be a good approach in my book, but the second part on its own isn’t enough.)

Right now, if a teen in the dndads server is being groomed, all of the responsibility is placed on this teen to:

Identify the fact that they’re uncomfortable (and then choose to examine that discomfort rather than immediately downplay it)

Articulate why this is bothering them

Convince themself (and, potentially, whoever they approach about it) that it’s a big enough deal to bring up at all

Speaking as someone who’s been there: it can be really fucking hard to do. But it’d be a hell of a lot easier if the cast said anything to the effect of “hey, adults shouldn’t be initiating this kind of conversation with you,” or if they made any effort to rein in the “spicier” conversations in the server. 

Adults detailing their kinks in the presence of kids isn’t cool, even if none of those kids say they’re uncomfortable. I need an indication that a single person managing the dndads patron server understands that and is taking it into account. 

Nobody wants to be the killjoy who says “hey, I’m not comfortable.” Especially not in an environment where there’s a pattern of such concerns getting dismissed and belittled. Double especially when the behavior is coming from some of the most influential members of the community. It’s not fair--and not safe--to foist all of that pressure onto an uncomfortable kid, and it’s absolutely crucial that the people with power get ahead of it and take on the responsibility of calling out and shutting down unacceptable behavior.

In order to be effective, “reach out if you’re uncomfortable” needs to also be coupled with an apology for the way they’ve been conducting themselves. Because if they don’t apologize for things like the examples I listed above, for the ways their content and actions have contributed to harmful ideas about consent and about sexualizing kids, for allowing the server to exist in this state for so long, then they’re implicitly saying either that those things were okay, or that they’re above those standards. Not a great look no matter how you slice it.

TL;DR: allowing this level of sexual discussion around minors, especially in the absence of any type of messaging or warning regarding grooming, makes it easy for those minors to get preyed on. And saying “we’re here for you if you’re uncomfortable” doesn’t on its own count as actually making the server a safe or comfortable environment. 

[lottsoluv]

I used to be a mod on Dangan-Happy

This is going to be a very long post because there’s so much that happened, and I felt the need to expose the truths hidden behind the positivity everyone loves so much. Everything seems so fine and dandy on the surface, so consider this a callout post. Thank you to my friends that helped me create this.

For context:  I was Mod Chiaki, Mod Rantaro, and Mod Shuichi after a friend of mine left the blog. I would always sign my posts with emojis.

I was in a discord server made by the creators of Dangan-Happy before the blog was created. Both creators run another danganronpa blog focused on writing imagines, and I joined their server because I loved their writing and was interested in making new friends, and that I did.

When Dangan-Happy was created back in July and a link was posted in the discord server for mod applications, I applied for Chiaki immediately. I enjoyed her a lot as a character, and I knew I’d be good at emulating how she spoke through writing, and I got to make people happy while doing so. Though, before this, I had never been apart of a blog like this, I just had this blog, one that I’ve muddled in since 2013, so it was a brand new experience for me. 

I was accepted and after a couple of other people who were accepted as mods started joining the monomonomayhem discord server, the two admins created a separate section in the discord server for the mods of Dangan-Happy to communicate, away from the eyes of the fans of their original imagines blog. Everything started out fine, seeing as we barely had any asks coming in, as expected, and I became good friends with a couple of the mods that joined us. 

Around the middle of August was when things started going down hill. I became really good friends with our first Mod Izuru, Beep, and we were discussing our grievances we had with the blog, which wasn’t much honestly, such as how mod applications worked or how some of the asks were behind or just how we didn’t think some of the mods wrote their characters well, and it was all in moderation, we were just having a chat between friends, it was nothing serious and only stayed between us. None of the other mods really had any idea what was going on either, we were all just thrown to the wind.

Then, the two admins came up with a rule that no one was allowed to post asks unless either of them specified that they were ready to be sent, which became sort of a problem, seeing as they weren’t always online. Beep and I were usually the ones, at least in the beginning stages of this blog, who tried our hardest to make sure the asks got done and got posted, outside of the two admins. It felt sort of like a punch to the face, to be quite honest, but there was no animosity held toward the two admins. We still tried our hardest to help out, but the list of mods was growing and our list of asks were growing as well, we became buried underneath the voices of the newer, inexperienced mods.

Beep was a sort of hard person to get along with, and as our list of mods on Dangan-Happy grew, they had a harder time getting along with people or trusting people, so they created a group chat to talk and hang out with the people from the server that they trusted, and this eventually grew into a server, one that was not created by either of us but created by Dangan-Happy’s Mod Akane. Collectively, we agreed that the server that was created was a sort of “safe-haven” for Beep, so we only added people to the server that they trusted. We started a “rebellion” of sorts, because what we wanted was change in the way the blog was run, though we never actually did anything, it was more of a mindset. We never had any hatred toward the admins or any of the other mods.

About a week or two passed and one of the admins, Mod Kaz, updated all the mods on their current irl situation. Beep and I then told Mod Kaz that if they needed any sort of help with the blog, they should ask for it, and that the older mods that have been on the blog longer should be allowed to help more with it, and he agreed, making a new role in our discord server titled “Mid Mod,” who’s individual roles were broke up into specifics, such as “tag checking,” “grammar checking,” “overall checking,” etc. All was fine and going well, and I’ll restate, Beep and I held 0 hatred or animosity for Mod Kaz, we were only concerned for his well-being and the well-being of the blog.

Then, on September 9th, the old Mod Byakuya/Ibuki/Nagito left the blog. That being said, it was well known that Beep was an “unwilling Nagito kinnie,” and they would say all the time that they regretted not taking Nagito when they had the chance. They even covered for Mod Nagito a couple times beforehand. They were working on a Nagito mod application, when a new person joined the server, the new Mod Nagito. This alerted many of us in our little “rebellion” server. At that moment, Beep, the old Mod Miu, Mod Akane, one of the other mods, and I were in a voice chat in that server. We were just hanging out, not really doing anything in particular, when we were just all caught off guard. It hadn’t been even an hour when the mod applications were opened for a new mod Nagito. 

This topic was a hot debate between the admins and the handful of us. We were told the mod applications were “first come, first serve,” which is still just preposterous in my opinion, and that it didn’t matter how well someone was at writing a character. If they submitted the application first, then they were that mod, and no amount of refutation could convince them otherwise. This angered Beep because they were working so hard on the application, and none of it mattered. There is no anger or hatred toward the new Mod Nagito, I personally think they’re pretty good at writing Nagito and I’m glad they were chosen, but the system that the admins had set up showed its true colors. It didn’t care about quality, only quantity and efficiency. 

Beep’s anger was understood by me and the others in the voice chat with them, but that empathy did not carry over to the other mods and admins in the discord server, who decided to start their own group chat discussing whether or not to ask Beep (and I, for some reason) to leave the blog. The reason I, and the others in the voice chat, know about this conversation is because they added Mod Akane to the said group chat. Mod Akane, who was the one who created the “rebellion” server we were voice chatting in. 

At this point, we five: Beep, the old Mod Miu, Mod Akane, one of the other mods, and I, had all agreed that there were systemic flaws in the blog we were apart of, and were all relatively upset with the recent events. It was rage-inducing, watching people we worked with talking about how “mean” our friend was, even though they’ve previously stated publicly in the server and apologized for any sort of misunderstandings. I even re-read all the screenshots that were sent to us by Mod Akane before writing this (October 17th,) and it got me really angry again. During this, I talked privately with Mod Kaz about Beep’s behavior, trying my hardest to smooth things over, and again, I never once came to hate him, even after all this.

Then, finally, Beep left the blog, extremely angry after reading the group chat messages relayed by Mod Akane. Even after all of these events had transpired, the rest of us still wanted to work on the blog because we enjoyed roleplaying as these characters and enjoyed giving people advice and making them happy. Sometimes, working with some of the mods was trying, but that’s just how it is when you have such a large group of people working together. Not everyone is going to get along, some people aren’t going to like some of the others, and it’s not something people can just force. The best thing to do in a scenario such as this, at least this is what I did, is to lay low and just do your job, which I did indeed enjoy doing, despite what some of the other mods might have thought.

In fact, that’s what all 4 four of us agreed to do, just lay low and do our jobs as advice-giving roleplayers. Mod Akane was given an important role in the server, where she would stay on all of our butts about getting our asks done in a timely manner. And, that’s all fine and dandy, but she explicitly stated that she wanted to watch the blog crash and burn (along with the rest of us) after the events that transpired the day before. None of us, aside from Beep, had any sort of actual hatred toward the admins and mods themselves, only what everything was becoming.

We were all fine with this arrangement for the most part. We even, all five of us, created a separate blog, where we could roleplay as characters that we wanted to, and it was quite fun. We were all planning on leaving Dangan-Happy after it got up and running, but it never quite took off. We were all busy with our lives, and subsequently, toward the beginning of this month, October, Mod Akane had a falling out with our friend group. We both made separate servers and invited who we wanted and that should’ve been that, fair enough right?

The very next day, Mod Kaz direct messaged me and told me I was kicked from the blog. The reasoning given was that he didn’t want to work with people that hated him. To quote him: “I'm sorry to say this Tea. I had a great time working with you but due to some unforeseen circumstances and some review of your behavior I must ask you to leave the blog. I'm not going to keep fighting to run a positivity blog with someone that holds so much contempt for me. Leave the blog, I'm not going to argue or budge on this.”

In response, I told him fine. I’ve literally never held any contempt for this man, but he really deeply thinks that I’ve hated him this entire time, no matter how much we bonded over similar interests. That’s the part that bothered me at first, being kicked off a blog I loved writing for over someone thinking I hated them. Then, the bit about “review of your behavior” caught my eye. I told him I had barely said a word in the server purposefully so that I don’t hurt other people with my perceived “negativity.”

Then, I realized the problem might actually lie with the “unforeseen circumstances” portion of their message. A day earlier, there was a falling out between Mod Akane and the rest of my friends. I connected the dots, Mod Akane must’ve told Mod Kaz about everything that happened, about my friends and I getting upset over things happening surrounding the blog. It just makes no sense otherwise. I personally believed I wasn’t a problem at all concerning the blog. I tried my hardest to get my asks done on time and in character. I was good at what I did, and I loved doing what I did. And, I was outcasted, thrown out for seemingly no valid reason.

I’m not asking you to harass people, I’m just trying to explain my side in a way that these mods will see and understand. I’m just angry and confused, and I want a real, genuine answer, because I never hated Mod Kaz ever up until this bullshit. Sure, I was upset at the way things were run, I was upset with some decisions that were made, but I never hated him. And, if Mod Akane told him otherwise, I have the screenshots to prove she did the exact same as me.

This post is far from perfect, I apologize. My friends and I are just very upset and hurt. We put so much time and effort into a blog we cared for, and it turns out it’s all bullshit behind the scenes. A fake environment ruled by a toxic positivity, if you have different opinions in the way things are run, you just get removed. It’s fucked.