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mosscaps · 3 months ago

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the arguments against self diagnosing any illness sound very funny when you’re a chronically ill guy that’s been trying to get diagnosed for almost a decade with something 90% of doctors don’t even believe in or blatantly don’t care about and they will say directly to your face “yeah so you have all the signs of this and we’ve ruled out a lot of other things but we just don’t know enough about it so we cant diagnose you” and diagnosis wouldn’t even get you the resources you need because those resources barely exist in the first place slash we don’t know what would help because, see above, medical professionals deny the existence of this very real condition or set of conditions, and so there isn’t enough funding or research behind it. the ouroboros of a terrible healthcare system should not stop you from trying to determine what resources you need even if that means just saying you have the thing so you can move forward. if you need treatment for xyz symptoms, even if you do not necessarily have the condition most associated with those symptoms, you still need treatment. there is not a real house md out there cooking up the perfect diagnosis to your condition while violating many professional and ethical boundaries that i would absolutely let him violate if he could, you know, accurately diagnose and treat me. instead you have to do what you can do with what you have and if you disagree that it is necessary to “”play the system”” to get potentially life saving care, then you have never had the marginalized usamerican experience and i wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy but if you keep insisting self diagnosis is the problem, instead of like, the horrors of capitalism, i wish you stuck in a doctors office for an hour and a half only for them to suggest you might feel better if you take a multivitamin or lose some weight.

#dr house would take one look at me and say ‘you have cfs. boring. get out of here’ and my life wouldn’t change at all #and i still wouldn’t have access to anything useful for this condition #it’s a perverse thought but i do think that long covid will actually revolutionize how we treat chronic fatigue. eventually.#and that’s only because doctors themselves can and do get long covid.#there is not a doctor on this planet with cfs (i would love to be proven wrong!) and if there were we would already have a million options #any ways #if you know a guy who can get me that diagnose DO tell. in the meantime i’ll just address my situation as it is #and nobody with professionally diagnosed cfs will bat a single eye. we are in the same boat and all we have is each other #continue to uplift chronically ill and disabled people with the time you spend trying to refute other peoples understanding of themselves #everything i’ve learned about how to treat my body better and mitigate my symptoms has been from disabled people/people with cfs #never has a doctor once helped me on this front. it’s only been the community. thank you community you are all we have #sp #fatphobia mention #only in the last bit but bc that’s genuinely such a pervasive inhuman thing doctors do i had to include it

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ladynicte · 2 years ago

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Concept, that during the months where Percy went missing, and the whole Camp was searching for him 24/7, Nico just sorta developed this habit of waiting around Percy's door.

Nico is not really used to spending time in Camp, he doesn't really spend time at Camp at all, and sure, he could go with Dyonisus, or Hestia, but he doesn't wanna bother.

Nico knows, they can tell Percy's dissapearing has really started to affect him.

And sure, he's got his own Cabin now, and he used to be so excited about that, but he's found out, he doesn't really like spending time there, to spend time alone with ghosts and bones, he could just go back home.

But still, Nico doesn't want to leave.

Because, what if they manage to find Percy, or he contacts them somehow, or some other threath comes near Camp, and maybe, just maybe, Nico still has this little hope, that the next morning the doors to the Poseidon Cabin will just suddenly open up on their own, and Percy will come out of them, yawning, with his hair all messy, asking for breakfast.

He knows that doesn't happen, and will never happen, but sometimes, Nico allows himself to dream.

And, Nico knows he could actually just enter the Cabin, it wouldn't even be trespassing, not really, either way, it was Percy who first asked him to stay there with him, who first begged him to stay there, before dissapearing.

But, Nico had said no back then.

And, regardless of whether Percy is there or not, it doesn't really matter, his essence of sea salt is everywhere.

Everything on his Cabin is so quintessentially him, and Nico knows, he knows he could never get too close, he could never allow himself that much indulgence, because otherwise, his bones and blood might just boil, and there will be no more coming back from there.

Nico knows he could get lost on Percy Jackson, and if he does, there will be nothing left to salvage of him, afterwards.

So Nico must tread lightly, stand right in front of the ocean, without ever walking in.

Which, to him, translates into appearing from one of his long travels to Camp Jupiter, jumping out of a shadow, and just sitting down, right in front of Percy's Cabin door.

Nico only allows his back to hit against it, he sleeps with his head between his hands, on top of the blue marble, and that's it.

That's as close to Percy as Nico will ever allow himself to get.

And on the other hand, there's Annabeth.

Annabeth, who's dying of worry, who's hair is greying once more because of it, who feels like everything in the world is her responsibility, and Annabeth, who for the love of all The Gods, just cannot find her boyfriend.

She doesn't let other people see her like this, (Or, she tries to not let other people see her like that, at the very least.) But still, she misses Percy.

Is not just the prophecy, or the end of the world, is not just that the Camp needs both their leaders, and is not just that it's a necessity.

Is that she loves Percy and she can't see him.

So, when she's sure everybody else is supposed to be asleep, and she's breaking the rules once more, just for him, she sneaks out of her Cabin, like any self-respecting Athenea Cabin Leader, shouldn't do, and she runs to the Poseidon Cabin.

And at first, she's not sure if it's the Mist, or it's the darkness, or if she's way too tired, and way too overworked, and her eyes are starting to deceive her, but she's sure she sees it.

A little dark shadow, cuddling to the door, like a puppy begging to be let inside, in the middle of a storm.

Against her own instincts, she decides the best tactic is to approach it gently, later on, she's thankful once more to her mother.

Because, Annabeth doesn't know what Nico di Angelo would have done to her, if she suddenly ambushed him while he was dead asleep.

They decide not to talk about it, Annabeth notices the trees and grass around them starting to die, she wonders if Nico can kill even the plants buried deep under the sea.

She doesn't ask.

Instead, they both sit in silence together.

This is probably the most accompanied Annabeth has felt in ages, which is really odd, because sure she knows Nico isn't a bad person, but he still scares her, like the night, and the spiders, back when she was little.

Nico understands neither of them wants to leave, but he would, if only he wasn't so damn tired all the time, he knows he shouldn't shadowtravel so much, but if his body, and his health, are the toll for finding Percy, then so be it.

This pattern repeats every night ever since.

Nico sleeps on the entrance to Percy's door, but never goes in, Annabeth always finds him, but she never speaks.

Eventually, Annabeth starts noticing the way Nico's bones pop, barely visible underneath his dark shirt, or the way his eyebags seem heavier and darker, like a growing bruise on his face every night, the way his veins show through his pale skin, and the way he never eats, well, anything at all, really.

And just the same, Nico notices her grey hairs, the chunks of it that just randomly fall off due to stress, her dirty clothes, the way she can go almost a week straight without remembering to shower, or brush her teeth, the bruises on her body, thanks to all the excersice she's forcing her body to stand, the eyebags that only grow, and grow.

They both know they need to actually sleep at some point.

And sleep for real, not just pass out from exhaustion on Percy's floor from time to time.

Nico has never been the sort to blink first though, so Annabeth understands, negotiations here, are gonna have to fall onto her.

She tells Nico that they need to sleep, like actually quality sleep.

Nico only nods, he doesn't look like he's paying attention to her, but Annabeth's brain has already come up with the most pragmatic, and powerful strategy, to achieve what she wants right now.

Annabeth stands up, and goes back to her Cabin, not without first warning Nico that she will be back in five minutes.

Nico doesn't look like he believes her. Annabeth understands he has got no reason to believe her, it makes the strategy all the more important.

But first, not without terrorizing herself with what she's planning to do.

She sneaks back into her bed, and quietly opens the tiny backpack, that her dad helped her put together, back in their house, before she arrived back home.

She grabs her precious little bag, she opens it, and she sighs.

Annabeth shuts her eyes, and forces herself, to carry her own plan to fruition.

She comes back to Nico, with Percy's shirt, well-carried, on her hands, well, one of his shirts, his preferred Camp Half-Blood shirt.

Percy had given it to Annabeth, before she left to go live with her dad, as a sorta remember-me-by, and Annabeth had never taken it out of its package, for anything at all.

She took it everywhere with her, like a sacred symbol, of some sort of home.

And Annabeth couldn't lie, and say she wasn't scared, mostly, because Nico's stare scared her a little, she thought, if anybody would be able to call her bluff, it wouldn't be Percy, it would be Nico.

(Annabeth was also sure, Nico had a completely clear sight from birth, but that was neither here nor there.)

Her fear wasn't of Nico, though, her fear was on holding the shirt, and not being able to let go.

Of holding onto it, and ruining it, with her strong warrior hands, and her desperation, that ran organs-deep, because she knew the logical outcome here, once she grabbed it, it would eventually stop smelling like Percy, and she would hate it, and then, the illogical outcome she feared so much, that if she lost this one shirt, she would lose all connection to Percy.

And that, would kill her.

And then, it would be like she had never even met him, gone with the wind, lost at sea, like a dream, she would be left with no way to prove, she once knew a boy named Percy who saved the world.

Who loved her just as she loved him.

After that, what would Annabeth even do with herself, anymore.

That all is completely irrational, Illogical, and impossible, Annabeth understands that too, so she forces her legs to keep on moving.

She stops before Nico, and presents the shirt to him, and it isn't lost on Annabeth, the way Nico almost backs off in surprise, and the way his lips open, just ever so slightly, and the way his one visible eye gets wide, and the way Nico's cheeks get this sorta, cutesy rosey, tint to them.

And she's sure she understands, but she cannot make herself deal with that right now.

She tells him "Let's find neutral territory for the moment." She's not sure if she knows what the moment even is.

But still, Annabeth grabs his hand, and against all odds, she's surprised, as Nico allows her to, and she has to force herself not to shiver, because Nico is cold as a corpse, and Annabeth knows way too well, just how quickly corpses get cold.

Nico knows it far far better.

Nico notices. He already knows. He always does.

He doesn't judge her for it, he hates himself too much for it.

Annabeth stops them on a grass patch, some pond nymphs near by, and she can see the nymphs snarling at Nico, and for some reason, she feels so angry all of a sudden, because Annabeth knows, it's not like Nico has ever actually done anything to them.

Annabeth is suddenly reminded of her first big fight with Hera, of screaming at her face, that Nico did belong, back then, it felt so instinctively true.

Now, Annabeth could see the way the Camp died away at his presence, the way the rest of the kids never approached him, unless they needed Nico's help for something.

And yet, Nico did always help them.

Before Annabeth can catch herself, she's already running towards the nymphs, her fists raised, and she knows there was a time where not every single little thing, disturbed her like this, but Nico just grabs her arm, and this time, Annabeth can't hold back the shivers because he's so so cold, and so strong.

Nico quietly tells her, for all to hear "They are just scared, it's fine."

Annabeth knows she can't blame them, because she's scared too, and Nico knows it.

Annabeth slaps her head, forcing herself to back down, she makes herself keep glaring at the pond, but her angry stare just doesn't hold, as she slowly, but surely, forces the shirt done her frame.

Annabeth wants so badly to hold onto it and make it eternal.

The shirt is old, it's only a little oversized on her, it smells exactly like Percy, exactly like the sea.

She's a strong girl, Annabeth doesn't cry, but if she does cry, Nico isn't gonna tell on her with anybody, either way.

After a while, where nobody says anything, where Nico only stares at her:

Annabeth lays quietly on the grass, her eyes wide open, on the moon, and she spreads her arms wide, she can hold them open for an eternity, if that's what it takes until Nico accepts it.

It does feel like an eternity, a little bit like holding the weight of the world in her shoulders, before Nico, looking like a mysterious shadow, slips into her arms.

They don't talk about it, but they can hear their hearts beating way too fast, and way too loud.

Nico has his arms tightly wrapped around her waist, and Annabeth has got to remind herself, that he's holding onto Percy's shirt, not onto her, there's a part of her, that's curious to see, to try to test Nico's limits, to toss the shirt at a fire, and watch Nico chase after it.

But she loves this damn shirt far too much to ever do something like that.

Slowly, Annabeth lowers her own arms, and she's holding onto Nico's hair now, his head heavy between her hands, and Nico is holding onto Percy, which leaves Annabeth wondering, what exactly is her excuse then, in their situation.

At some point, her eyes close, and she doesn't even notice it.

It's the first night of true sleep Nico has gotten in a really long time, for once, not searching for Percy even in his dreams.

The next morning he has breakfast, that he doesn't really eat, but he stays, and it occurs to Annabeth, that Nico staying anywhere, was everything Percy had ever wanted.

She would have to brag about it to him, once Percy got back.

Percy and Nico never admit it out loud.

They understand they are doing something odd.

But Annabeth keeps wearing the shirt, and Nico keeps falling asleep by her side, and there's no excuse to it, anymore, they both can tell the shirt has long since, stopped smelling like Percy and sea salt, and started smelling like shampoo, and Nico's rotten corpse, and pomegranates essence.

Somehow, Annabeth finds, she doesn't hate it that bad.

Nico despises it, but he can't let go of one of the very few soft things he's ever known.

And that's fine, because Annabeth keeps laying with her arms open without asking any questions, and Nico keeps falling asleep, while holding onto her waist, without offering any explanations.

They both know it will never be the same, not ever what they are actually craving, and searching for, because this whole situation has only made them hunt for Percy even harder.

But they can still keep each other company, until they manage to find Percy, somehow, that is.

Annabeth is surprised to find that now, instead of dying, the grass underneath Nico grows mushrooms.

Nico is too.

#percicobeth #percabeth #> percico #pjo #nico di angelo #percy jackson #Annabeth chase #luna writes #this is like a mini fic i suppose #i do like percicobeth but not really in the context that they are all in love with each other but more so in the context that they both #love percy and percy loves them back but its never quite the same and nico sorta hates Annabeth except he could never hate her #and Annabeth kinda gives nico the side eye except she could never blame him for falling in love with the same boy she did #and they both miss him so bad and nobody else could possibly understand so they keep each other company #and until percy comes back they hold the fort down together #luna's headcanons #i think Annabeth would like her hair greying because it reminds her of percy is a thing to hold onto

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