#nobody does guilt like a repressed catholic does guilt

[thywheelof-fate]

if left alone for long enough I will once again think about Modern!Durge as a deeply, deeply disturbed private Catholic school student whose father is the principal of the school

Durge being allowed to do awful bad wrong things because Father aims their hand towards the weak and unworthy, the sinners that need to be purged from this Earth. Durge on their knees in the confessional booth knowing damn well that the words they utter will find their way into their Father's ears. Durge drinking the wine and drinking blood and staring up at the crucifix thinking, yes, children were born to suffer for their Fathers.

They're pushed to excel in every field, to bring good honor to their family name, to never be caught unawares for who knows when the Lord will come to take them. They pray every day, hands clutching rosary beads tight enough to draw blood.

Father doesn't want them distracted, ridding their world of modern comfort (work of the devil) that could distract them from being God's Holy Knife. What use does a tool have for such things? They think that Father must have begged God to be Adam, fashioning a perfect heir out of his own rib.

They are strangled by the tight rope of purity: the only way another person would stain their skin is with their last breaths. They snap angrily at casual brushes, rushing to wash themself clean and raw lest Father find out through their scent alone.

Father always finds out. They take his 'forgiveness' with grace.

There is a boy from the public school only a few streets away. They see him at fencing matches, catch a glimpse of him during debate competitions, see him dressed in opposing school colors during soccer games. They're falling into each other's orbits slowly but surely, and they want to gouge his eyes out as much as stick their tongue in between the seams of his lips.

They'd properly meet at a regional debate competition. It was painfully unsexy and awkward, but Durge didn't know anything better and Enver didn't want anything better. He whispers understanding against their skin. It is the first time that someone has touched them and they do not feel the need to burn the touch off.

They pray for forgiveness, but neither Father in heaven or earth will forgive this. Perhaps that is for the best.

[diazisms]

k but rewatching 2x01 and it's gotta be Buck's pov of ugh, this new guy who's all handsome and perfect or whatever

Be curious about Eddie's pov bc I feel like it would be 70% Panic like omg pls don't mess this up and also 30% Gay Panic like why doesn't the pretty guy like me :(

(fair warning, this may have spiraled past 2x01......a lot. bear with me.)

i don't think we've ever gotten eddie's pov the way we've gotten buck's (2x01 and 7x04 for example) HOWEVER i do think we more or less know who buck is from eddie's pov through his actions.

which, considering their characters, tracks so hard.

buck didn't realize he was queer until a man quite literally kissed him on the mouth. seeing eddie from buck's pov is safe because buck has no idea what his feelings are. we watched buck's complicated feelings of jealousy towards eddie unfold TWICE and neither time did he realize what the feelings actually were (physical attraction and y'know. being in love with the guy). buck's pov is one we're allowed to see through as the audience, because it's not actually gonna tell us much, seeing as buck hasn't realized anything.

eddie, though?

reservoir of catholic guilt eddie? the guy who had panic attacks about the idea of being married to his girlfriend? the same man who was diagnosed repressed by a cardiologist?

he knows. he knows and he's been pushing it down since he and buck met, and if we were to ever see buck through eddie's eyes it'd give away everything. the eddie we've seen through buck's pov is just. pure golden sunshine, laughter, love, and buck's best friend in the whole fucking world. buck's best friend that he's in love with, sure, but buck hasn't put those dots together yet, so we, as the audience, won't see that.

buck, to eddie, is home. is family and warmth and comfort. and, obviously, eddie is the same to buck, but eddie knows this. eddie is fully and completely aware of who buck is to him, he's just shoving it all the way down. eddie gave buck a place to land ("it's eddie's house, i'm not really a guest"), eddie trusts buck wish christopher more than he trusts his parents with christopher (ramon and helena saying to eddie 'don't drag him down with you' and him leaving for LA -> eddie saying to buck 'there's nobody in this world i trust with my son more than you' after the tsunami), eddie let buck in when he was at his absolute lowest.

and, you know.

the will.

we've talked about it a half dozen million times in this fandom but we're gonna talk about it again because it's brain melting. we've never seen buck through eddie's eyes but we've seen exactly who he is to eddie through his actions. eddie trusts buck. eddie needs buck to know he has a reason to stay, that eddie and chris are his reasons to stay. eddie told buck flat out that his life means something. that buck thinks he's not worth anything but he's wrong because he means everything to eddie. eddie loves him.

eddie loved him when he held his hand when buck got pinned under a firetruck and eddie loved him when he dropped chris off before the tsunami and he still loved him when the water went back to the sea and eddie loved him when buck sued the city because the worst part of the whole lawsuit was how much he fucking missed him and eddie loved him when he was trapped under a well and all he could think about was his son and how, if he goes too soon, christopher deserves to be with someone who will love him the way eddie does and eddie loved him when he thought buck was the last thing he was ever gonna see, bleeding out on the streets of los angeles and eddie loved him when he told buck in the only way he knew how to (because, evan) and eddie loved him through panic attacks and mental breakdowns and lightning strikes and new girlfriends and a broken ankle and a new boyfriend because there is no version of eddie diaz that isn't in love with evan buckley.

and eddie knows that.

which is why we don't see it.

[aziraphales-library]

Hiii! First of all I wanted to thank you all for the amazing work that you do. Your suggestions are always on point. Now, for the question, I was wondering if you know any fics that are similar to secondhand smoke. Maybe about Catholic guilt and/or coming out? Thank you :))

Hello! We have a #religious guilt tag you might be interest in. Here are some religious conflict/coming out fics...

Cappucchino Readings - A "Good Omens" Univeristy AU by Jelly_Jenkins (T)

When Aziraphale took the job at the campus library, he didn't think anything of it. Of course he was excited to make some extra money and such, but he never expected to get out so much more.

The Day You Eat of It by K1ngB (E)

It all started as it will end... at a summer camp (with strangely religious undertones). In Aziraphale's mind, the best part of summer was those two weeks spent with the children. Just as eager to absorb new information and experiences as he was to teach the next generation same as he was at this same camp nearly ten years ago. A lot has changed since then, namely the amount of blatant proselytizing but some things always stay the same. In Crowley's mind, he gets to see the apple of his eye for two weeks every year, and he'll be damned if he doesn't make the most of it. He sustains himself on the discreet glances, the creeping blushes, and the inevitable banter of his favorite camp counselor. He is prepared for the long game and was nailing it if he was being honest... And then he got caught wanking in the showers and it's all downhill from there. or Summer Camp Counselor AU. Crowley is a sappy pining fool and Aziraphale has no idea what's going on.

search terms by Vagabond (M)

Aziraphale expects it to be a quiet night working in the university library when a flashy red haired, foul mouthed, panicking student needs to find credible sources for his paper and can't figure out how to use the search. Little does Aziraphale know that meeting Crowley will lead him on a path to self-discovery, and give him the family he didn't realize he needed. From a prompt on tumblr: College AU - You’re REALLY GOOD at using the right search terms for the academic databases and I’m on a deadline.

Opposites Attract by Pal456 (M)

The Eastgate family hated the Crowley family. Hated them so much, that their children were not to spend any time together. That never stopped Aziraphale and Crowley being drawn to one another time and time again even though their families would pull them apart. As years go by, Aziraphale tries to do right by his parents in order to take over the family business one day, but it seems like the Almighty might have a different, ineffable, plan that brings the two together every chance they get.

Out of Suffering Into Love by Slow_Burn_Sally (E)

Aziraphale is a sexually repressed man who grew up in a religious household. Crowley is an artist with a sordid past. Both of them are afraid to love and be loved.

One and the Same Fall by ElliottRook (E)

Aziraphale Fell is a UK student attending an American Catholic school on exchange, an escape from a strict, conservative family. Anthony Crowley is a juvenile delinquent on his last chance, sent to live with his uncle and attend a school that promises to shape him up. When they cross paths at St. Bernadette's, they nearly instantly become friends, and nobody likes it--not the teachers, not the old-money students, not Aziraphale's family--but it's the best thing that's ever happened to either of them. Hanging over their heads, though, is Crowley's plan to flee the moment he comes of age, and what will happen after they're no longer trapped in the same gilded cage.

And the one you mentioned...

secondhand smoke by PaintedVanilla (T)

you're second hand smoke, second hand smoke i breathe you in, but, honey, i don't know what you're doing to me mon chéri the year is 1990, and anthony crowley is looking for a church in london that might be tolerable. the one he winds up attending isn't exactly such, but he decides to stick around for one reason. said reason happens to own a bookshop that crowley begins to frequent, much to the surprise and delight of anathema device and newton pulsifer, who seem quite convinced that crowley could use something else to focus on besides gardening, their campaigns, and visits to tadfield.

- Mod D

[eddiegettingshot]

okay that ep was so. not good. that for now i'm ignoring it and dumping an eddie thought i've had stuck in my head for days i hope that's okay

so while i LOVE a self-discovery arc for eddie and alllll the potential there i've been kinda obsessed with the idea that he just. already knows and didn't mention it bc "it just never came up i guess" and "nobody asked"

like maybe he realized he's bi during his time in the military (which yikes must be a hard place to have that realization) and he was already married so "it didn't really make a difference right?" AND we have confirmed massive catholic guilt from him so it makes sense (to me) that he'd just. avoid it even though he's not ashamed per se. just... a tad repressed lol plus there'd still be a coming out scene just not so high pressure for eddie

and THEN the important realization we'd get is that it's buck he's into and it's buck he wants to wake up next to and how did that happen and when and now that buck is out? there's potential that was never there before and eddie can't stop wondering and ugh idk there's something about eddie being confident and happy with himself (as he should) but still feeling like uncharted territory with buck his best friend. idk there's a flavor there i think #ifeelobligatedtoincludeahashtagnow:/

eddie thoughts are LITERALLY ALWAYS OK!!

but you have to be in my brain because literally yeah it would never happen but eddie always sort of knowing and just choosing to take the route he feels he "should" be taking and telling himself it's really not a big deal, he does like women! except his problem isn't that they're women but that they're not shannon and more importantly, THEY'RE NOT BUCK. the idea that he's been reaching out in small ways all these years and thinking nothing of it... the idea that he's got too much riding on this to do anything except bite his tongue while buck gets it figured out. because he knows buck, and he knows that buck wouldn't know what to do with all his love! not yet! it would break his brain!

delicious...

[onlineproblems]

@jjohnnyutah okay I'm out of the shower. here goes, the xfiles word vomit

i wish i remembered more of season 1 and i guess 2 but i started watching like a year ago and i wasnt sure how i felt about it at the time and sort of half paid attention to the majority of the episodes. i plan to rewatch anyway but most of my excitement for the show peaked around mid-late season 2, when i felt like i knew what was going on (that didnt last) and i understood the dynamics between all the characters.

nobody could ever guess /s but i ADORE scully. i love and identify with her repressed catholic/survivors guilt and inability to express herself and the way she puts too much of herself into a quest that wasn't even hers to start with. and then finally opens up and leaves her shell and gets to be silly later in the show with a wry, dry humor that complements mulder's goofiness.

i think the baby arc is one of the dumbest things i've ever seen (not that i've seen all of it yet, but jesus it's so dumb). maybe it's because i'm a bitter childless hag but i dont relate to her intense desire to have children and i feel like when she got pregnant the writers absolutely mauled her personality to death. ffs they already put her through every other torture they could devise, why not a lobotomy? everyone knows motherhood makes you weak-willed and stupid. i mean im exaggerating but it's because the anger is fresh lol.

I'm so so scared to watch the revival because i don't want it to warp my nostalgic understanding of the characters. i love them and want them to live forever in a little bubble in Vancouver, fighting the moth men (yes that ep was so good) and getting up to shenanigans while CSM and Krycek does his incompetent bullshit off to the side.

I've seen several people talk about Jewish Mulder and i think the idea makes a lot of sense, and didn't they even reference it a time or two in the show? like the ep with the golem? i got mad when they gave him a Christian burial lol.

i like mulder's appreciation for the beauty in the weird and how he doesn't give a shit for what anyone thinks of him except Scully. i like that he's so wrapped up in the wonders out there but is also staunchly atheistic.

i didn't want Samantha's disappearance to be solved because it seemed like such a trite ending to mulder's trauma and the ultimate mystery in his life. i guess it was a good enough solution, but her abduction was what fueled him and gave him meaning and to wrap it up with a bow felt...idk, dismissive almost. i wanted closure for him but not necessarily answers. if your life's meaning is to search for answers, and suddenly you can have all the answers to the universe, where do you find meaning then? I may not be making sense lmao

and i think that's when i enjoy the x files most, when it's not trying to package things all neatly. maybe it's trying to ask a question, or maybe it's just trying to have fun, or both, but it's not trying too hard. the mythology is too much for me and frankly detracts from my enjoyment of... it. they wanted something epic and mysterious and then couldn't make any sense out of their own cryptic bullshit.

self-contained episodes like clyde bruckman, asking a question about determinism and big stuff like that without getting preachy or condescending, are excellent.

there's a hundred other things i could say but... that's enough for now lol.

[obscureoperations]

Martin likes to have protected sex ... or unprotected by filling his partner with his cum?

Booyyyy.. listen lmao. I have my own hot take on this scenario. Martin definitely has a breeding kink. It's nothing that would ever dare to admit..it's just a small concept at the back of his mind.

He would hate possibility of accidentally impregnating his partner and would insist on wearing 'one of those things'. Or maybe insist is a strong word, but he would definitely suggest it. He just doesn't want to make a mistake..it was his responsibility not to pass on the sickness. He didn't want to drag his partner into such an ordeal, so it was best to avoid it entirely.

He does thourally enjoy the idea in cuming inside..it adds a whole other layer of intimacy. The fact that his s/o trusted him that much, he couldn't believe it. It was such an incredible feeling of freedom.

Not to mention, the sensation itself..blushing profusely as his partner demands he ''fill them up''. With their legs wrapped around his waist..unrelenting until he releases on top of them.

Hot take:

Martin cums a lot. No reason.. Just a feeling. Blame the eons of repression...or perhaps his diet. The act of self gratification was always a chore. He just couldn't stand the clean up..it only intensified the Catholic guilt. It was almost a no go when he was living with Cuda. He mostly resorted to waiting tell he had a shower--or when he was off and had the house completely to himself.

He was mortified the first time he got together with his partner.. There was just so much. Frantically pulling out as he buried his face against the sheets. He wanted to disappear..he was sure they'd be disgusted. Nothing could have been further from the truth..they claimed it was the hottest thing they had ever seen. They often insist on getting him off manually ..they wanted him to make a mess all over their hand. 👀🤭

Okay..so they might have a bit of a fetish themselves..but it was totally fine. After a while Martin got used to it. It took awhile for him to get past his initial hesitation of letting go while he was inside. The most incredible feeling.They trusted him completely. Was this what he had been missing out on all that time?

When they'd move to straddle his hips, urging him to lay back as they milk him dry. Ordering him to keep his hands glued to the bedposts as they use his body to attain release. Like one of the fantasies buried deep at the back of his mind...He never thought to question you. Cheeks burning bright red as he watches the stuff leak out of you. He knew nobody else got to witness you in such a state.

[picsofsannyas]

Osho says. Hein Steff, there is nothing wrong in being homosexual.

BELOVED MASTER, I AM HOMOSEXUAL. I FEEL TERRIBLY OPPRESSED AND STRICKEN BY THE STIGMA OF HOMOSEXUALITY. IT SEEMS FALSE TO ME TO COME HERE TO FIND A WAY TO COME CLOSER TO MYSELF AND AT THE SAME TIME NOT TO HAVE THE COURAGE TO SHOW MYSELF THE WAY I AM. THEN I WANT TO RESIGN AND RETURN HOME SO THAT I DON'T HAVE TO THINK ABOUT IT ANY LONGER. WHAT CAN I DO?

Hein Steff, there is nothing wrong in being homosexual. You need not feel guilty about it. One certainly has to go beyond sex, but that is as much applicable to heterosexuality as it is applicable to homosexuality. Heterosexuality or homosexuality are just styles of the same stupidity! You need not feel guilty.

In fact, looking at the population of the world, homosexuality should be supported. At least you will not be increasing the population of the world, you will not be loading the earth more. It is already loaded too much. Homosexuality should be valued, respected -- it is pure fun! Heterosexuality is dangerous. And what is wrong? If two persons are enjoying each other's bodies, nothing is wrong. It should be their concern; nobody else's business to interfere.

But the society is continuously interfering in everything; it does not leave anybody any privacy. It enters in your bedroom too. Your society is not a free society. It talks of freedom and democracy and all that rot, but it is pure slavery. It is a big prison. And your priests and your so-called God are all Peeping Toms. They are all looking into your private lives, what you are doing. It should be nobody's business.

What is wrong in loving a man or a woman? Two men can love each other, two women can love each other. Love is a value in itself. And fun should not be condemned. Life is already such a burden, such a drag, such a boredom. Leave at least something in life so people can feel a little less bored.

Here you need not feel afraid to show yourself the way you are. My whole approach is to help you to be the way you are because that is the only way to help you transcend it. Feel guilty and you will remain the same. Guilt never transforms anybody.

And homosexuality is such an innocent phenomenon. Why is it so much condemned? The reason is that if it is not condemned, the fear is that almost everybody will turn homosexual because every child has the tendency. Every child passes through the stage when he is homosexual. Every boy, every girl, passes through a time when boys like boys and girls like girls. The fear is that if many people turn homosexual -- and particularly in the past when the population was not big and every society wanted more numbers because numbers meant power.... To allow homosexuality was dangerous; it had to be condemned, absolutely condemned, so much so that in a few countries it is the greatest crime.

For example, in Ayatollah Khomeiniac's country, Iran, it is one of the greatest crimes. You can be imprisoned for your whole life or you can even be sentenced to death, just for being homosexual. It seems absolutely absurd, ridiculous, but in the past there was some reason in it. Every society wanted to be more powerful. It was a constant struggle -- a struggle between groups, struggle between tribes, struggle between clans -- the deciding factor was your number, how many you are. If people become homosexual, then the population will decrease; hence it has to be condemned as the greatest sin.

It may have some meaning if you think of the past, but in the present it is absolutely meaningless. In fact, the whole situation has become just the opposite: now heterosexuality is the danger; less numbers are needed. If humanity goes on growing this way, then we cannot support humanity, we cannot live any longer. By the end of this century the population will be so much, the poverty will be so much, that there seems to be no way out except a third world war which will kill almost everybody -- so that a few people can start the whole story again.

I have heard a story, a twenty-first century story: The third world war has happened, and a monkey is sitting on a rock taking a sunbath. A female monkey comes with an apple and gives the apple to the monkey. And the monkey says, "My God, are we going to start it all over again?"

Homosexuality is condemned because there is every possibility that if it is not condemned many more people will turn towards it. The inner tendency is there in every person. In fact, the person who is against it... the more he is against it, the more he has the tendency. Deep down, unconsciously, he knows it is there. To repress it he has to be very much against it; he feels disgusted by the very idea.

But nobody is telling HIM to become homosexual. If others feel attracted, then it is not your business to interfere or to condemn them. It is their freedom, and they are not doing any harm to anybody. It is a harmless game -- stupid, certainly, but not a sin. But as far as stupidity is concerned all sex is stupid, for the simple reason that it is a biological urge and you are not the master of it, you are just a victim.

And you need not be so much worried about it, Hein, because homosexuality has a very beautiful origin: it originated in the monasteries. It is something religious! The first homosexuals were monks and nuns -- Christians, Buddhists, Jainas; all great religions have contributed their share to it. It was bound to be so because there are monasteries even now in existence where no woman has ever entered.

In a Catholic monastery in Europe, Mount Athos, for one thousand years no woman has entered; not even a six-month-old girl has been allowed to enter in. What kind of people are living there? A six-month-old girl and they are afraid even of that! What can they do? But repressing sex creates fear, so the whole monastery is full of men; and homosexuality is a natural by-product if only boys are together or only girls are together.

Religious people have contributed greatly. Educationists have contributed greatly, because boys have to be educated separately. They have to reside in different hostels specially for them and girls have to stay aloof in separate hostels, in separate schools. If you put too many girls together they are bound to become lesbians, because when the sexual urge takes possession of them and they cannot find a boy, then anything is better than nothing.

In zoos even animals turn homosexual -- only in zoos, remember. In their wild state they don't become homosexual. There is no need -- females are available. But in a zoo, if females are not available, they become homosexual. A zoo is worth studying. I used to study zoos because the zoo gives you many indications about human society. The human society is a big zoo because everything has become so unnatural.

Go to a zoo and watch the animals and you will be able to see many things. They become homosexuals; they never become homosexuals in their wild stage. They are FORCED to become homosexuals. They go crazy, they become insane, mad. In wild states they never become insane. No animal ever becomes mad in his wild state; he remains sane. But his sanity needs a little freedom.

A lion has a big territory in his wild state, miles of territory, and he is the king of the whole territory. In a zoo he is in a small cage. If you go to the zoo you will see the lion walking up and down the cage, up and down, up and down, the whole day. It can drive anybody mad. He needs freedom, he needs a certain territory. In such a small space he is overcrowded. He becomes angry, enraged, violent.

Many diseases never happen in the wild. For example, no animal suffers from tuberculosis or cancer, but in a zoo animals suffer from tuberculosis and cancer. Strange! In the wild there are no medical facilities for them and in the zoo every kind of medical facility is available. Doctors are there to look after them, great doctors, doing something great! What they cannot take care of on their own -- cancer, tuberculosis -- doctors help them with. Animals become victims of illnesses which they have never known before.

Human society has been so much forced to live in unnatural circumstances -- and the monastery is one of the most unnatural circumstances. It is a zoo, a religious zoo! Homosexuality was born there, so you need not feel very bad about it. You are a religious person! And you have a great lineage of homosexuals....

If you look for homosexuals you will be surprised. Many poets, many authors, many painters, many musicians, many dancers, many great people, many creative people, were homosexuals. Many Nobel Prize winners have been homosexuals.

And don't be worried about enlightenment either, because at least one homosexual I know has become enlightened -- Socrates; he was a homosexual. And there are suspicions about Jesus. I cannot prove it, they are only suspicions -- because he always moved with the boys. Those twelve apostles... who knows? But if he was, nothing is wrong in it. Socrates was certainly a homosexual. Plato was, Aristotle was. Greeks are great people!

One American girl was going to marry a Greek. The mother was very much worried. She said, "Wait! If you can avoid this marriage...." The girl was mad. She said, "No. He looks so beautiful, just like a Greek god!" The mother said, "I know, but after only a few days you will know he is nothing but a goddamned Greek! And one thing more," the mother said, "if you marry this man then remember one thing: never turn your back towards him, never! Whatsoever happens sleep on your back the whole night!" The girl got married. She insisted, and soon she found the mother was right: the Greek god was nothing but a goddamned Greek! And she was also puzzled because he was always trying to tell her, "Why don't you turn over?" -- but she wouldn't turn over; she was also stubborn! After six months all efforts failed. The Greek said, "Listen. If you don't turn over you are not going to have children ever." Then the girl had to turn because she wanted children. The Greek played a logical trick.

Greeks have been homosexuals for centuries. All their great people have been homosexuals. So you need not worry -- you have a great history behind you! Walt Whitman was a homosexual -- one of the greatest poets of all the ages. There seems to be something in homosexuality that makes people creative, or creative people homosexuals. There is something in it and I can see the point. When you stop creating children, your creativity takes new turns, new dimensions. You create poetry, you create painting.

And the people who have been condemning homosexuality for ages are also condemning it for one more reason. As far as the man/woman relationship is concerned it is always on the rocks, because man cannot understand the mind of the woman, the woman cannot understand the mind of the man. They are poles apart. That is their attraction, but that is also their conflict, constant conflict. If homosexuality is allowed, accepted, the fear is that many people will settle into it because a man can understand another man more easily -- they have the same mind. And women can understand each other more easily -- they have the same mind.

That's why homosexuals are called "gay" people. They are really gay! The heterosexuals look so sad. Whenever you see a couple you can immediately know whether they are married or not: if they are sad they are married, if they are looking dull and dead they are married. Marriage kills all joy for the simple reason that it creates so many conflicts. Hence all societies have condemned homosexuality, for the simple reason that if it is not condemned, what will happen to reproduction? In the past it had some meaning, but now it has no meaning.

Now the day has come when homosexuality CAN be accepted, should be accepted as a natural outlet of your sexual energies. I am not against it, I am not for it either. I am simply saying that if you have to live your sex you can choose your style, you are free to choose your style. If you decide to be stupid, at least you should be given the freedom to choose what kind of stupid you want to be! I give you total freedom.

My effort here is to help you to go beyond it, so if you are homosexual you have to go beyond homosexuality, if you are heterosexual you have to go beyond heterosexuality. And there are other people also who are neither, who are autoerotic, autosexual. They have to go beyond their autoeroticism. Man has to transcend sex, whatsoever kind of sex it is, because unless you go beyond your biology you will never know your soul. But meanwhile -- before you go beyond -- it is your freedom to be whatsoever you want to be.

You say, "I am homosexual. I feel terribly oppressed and stricken by the stigma of homosexuality."

There is no need to be "terribly oppressed." You must be accepting people's condemnation. Deep down somewhere you are also against it; otherwise, why feel oppressed? If people are against, let them be against! You need not declare to everybody that you are a homosexual. You need not move with a flag that you are a homosexual! You can remain a homosexual. Of course, you cannot hide it because your sex style changes your body language. The way the homosexual walks is totally different from the heterosexual; the way he talks is totally different. And he looks so gay, so happy!

So you will have to remain a little less happy, that's all. Don't look so happy, and walk a little more consciously, that's all. Don't feel oppressed and don't feel stricken by the stigma of homosexuality. That is all nonsense! And you say, "It seems false to me to come here to find a way to come closer to myself and at the same time not to have the courage to show myself the way I am."

What courage are you talking about? Here there is no question of courage. If you are homosexual you are homosexual! Here it does not need courage to declare it. Here you can write on your shirt, "I am homosexual." Nobody will take any notice of it. People will say, "So what?"

This is a totally different world. Here we accept all kinds of people: sane, insane, crazy -- we have no objection. Unless you start harming others we have no objection. And homosexuality is a harmless game, absolutely harmless. But you think that this is courageous that you are declaring that you are a homosexual. Here it is not; anywhere else it will be. And I will not suggest that you declare it anywhere else; there is no need. Why brag about it? Accept it silently, relax into it.

But you wanted to say it because it is boiling within you. Don't be worried what others say. Just look within yourself, what you are saying to your own homosexuality. You are not at ease with it. The society has corrupted you, contaminated you. The society has given you ideas. It has created a certain conscience in you and that conscience is pricking, continuously feeling hurt. Now you say, "Then I want to resign and return home so that I don't have to think about it any longer."

Just by going back home you will not be getting rid of it. Neither you will get rid of homosexuality nor will you get rid of the stigma or the feeling of being oppressed. You will have to drop your conscience that has been created by the society in you. You will have to understand yourself and clean yourself of all ideas imposed by others; only then will you be able to relax.

You ask me, "What can I do?"

Hein, don't make a problem out of it. Nothing has to be done about it. I don't tackle individual problems. My whole approach is that there are millions of diseases, but there is only one cure, and that cure is meditation.

You meditate -- homosexual, heterosexual, bisexual.... You meditate. You become more still and more silent. You create inner emptiness. You become more transparent, and then things will start changing. You will be able to see what you are doing to yourself. If it is right you will go on doing it with more joy, with more totality, with more intensity, with more passion. If it is wrong it will simply drop, just like dead leaves falling from a tree.

So I cannot suggest any specific method because to me all the problems are arising because we have become minds and we have forgotten that deep down there is a space within us which can be called no-mind. Entering that space, no-mind, will give you perspective, vision, clarity.

Meditate. Sit silently watching your thoughts -- homosexual, heterosexual, whatsoever they are, it doesn't matter. You watch, you become the witness. Slowly slowly, a distance will be created between you and your thoughts. And one day suddenly, the realization that you are not your mind. And that day a revolution has happened within you. After that day you will never be the same again. A transcendence has happened. After that, whatsoever you do is right; you can't do wrong then. And before that, whatsoever you do is wrong. So when I say I have nothing against homosexuality I am not supporting it, remember. I am not saying, "Be homosexual." I don't have anything against heterosexuality either, but I am not supporting heterosexuality. I am not supporting anything. These are all mind games -- and you have to go beyond all the games.

Your mind is created by the society.

Fifteen-year-old Bobby was running out of a theater where he had just seen a porno movie. The manager stopped him. "Why are you in such a hurry?" "My mother told me," said Bobby, "that if I ever looked at anything bad I would turn to stone -- and I have started!"

Two members of London's exclusive Explorers Club were discussing a mutual friend over large brandies and soda. "Well, I'll be damned," said the first old boy. "You say Parkhurst has gone to Africa and married an ape?" "Quite so, old man." There was a pause and the first clubman asked in a discreet tone, "A female ape, naturally?" "Of course," came the reply. "There is nothing queer about old Parkhurst."

The mind functions as an agent of the society within you. To go beyond mind is to go beyond society. To go beyond mind is to go beyond the whole history. To go beyond mind is to go beyond past. To go beyond mind is to enter into God. And then whatsoever happens is good, is virtue.

Osho.

The Dhammapada: The Way of the Buddha, Vol 10

Ch. 12. Question 3.

[simptasia]

lost characters based solely on how i portray them in my text post memes

jack: constantly crying and/or screaming. no emotional stability. no social skills. terrible bedside manner. endearingly bland. into powerful women. loves the red sox... a lot. daddy issues. doesn’t believe in himself. has shitty tattoos. being crushed under the weight of everybody’s expectations. more or less hot. he is not cool at all. repressed attraction to guys. chronic hero syndrome. adorably embarrassing as a dad. passionately and violently overreacts to the mere concept of people believing in things. mansplains but in a non malicious way because he is literally that oblivious. gets into fights a lot. dissociates in mirrors. gets injured a lot but doesn’t wanna make a fuss. thinking about caves

kate: desperate need to protect women. bi. is frustrated by jack and sawyer’s personalities but wants to fuck them oh so much. rowdy. feminist. biceps. will call you out. is love with claire and jack and sun and- she has a lot of love to give. she can be ur angel or ur devil. exasperated. doesn’t understand astrology but she’s trying. she’s the slytherin friend every hufflepuff needs. uses guns. doesn’t know how to cook. go to relationship advice is “dump him” or “suck his dick”.  just because you put things in her vagina doesn’t mean you know her. gemini

hurley: sad clown. haha laughter! hiding real pain! has debilitating mental illness. he’s doing his best to stay positive. virgin. genuinely kind soul. overwhelmed by food. awkward around girls he likes. much smarter and wiser than anybody thinks, including himself. a special boy who we all love. says dude a lot. the only valid rich person ever. doesn’t like himself. sees dead people. kinda silly. also he’s fat (but i don’t joke about it in a cruel way)

sawyer: compulsive need to nickname people. from the south. bewildered by charlie’s english slang. covering up vulnerability with jokes and being mean. loves juliet. is an asshole but a loveable asshole (this varies, mostly he’s an asshole). conventionally attractive to the point of boring. got a Thing going on with miles. can’t stand daniel being smart around him. babies freak him out. treats animals poorly

locke: very supportive and new agey type. i’ve made two jokes about him encouraging people to jack off, that wasn’t on purpose but Okay. he doesn’t know what its like to have friends. he says Deep Sounding but odd things. he’s super duper into nature. he suffers. he’s very forgiving of ben to the point of absurdity and he desperately wants ben to love and fuck him. or maybe they are fucking. Who Knows. he loves knifes

sayid: sexy, suffering shannon fucker. he doesn’t respect boone. his life is an endless parade of misery culminating in going on autopilot. respects women

jin: he has no idea what’s going on and his life revolves around sun

sun: beautiful. perfect. very passionate about gardening

claire: bi. frequently ignored. cutesy and sweet. super into astrology and new age stuff. her cheery demeanour can only hold on so long before she loses it. kinda dumb. has baby. vanilla, at least for now. loves charlie but is kinda frustrated by him. goes feral and “kitten thinks of murder all day” sums it up

charlie: that he needs attention and validation to survive would be a gross understatement. bi. trans. punk. stupid. english. really horny and slutty. adores music more than anything. drug addict (again, i refuse to be cruel). severe jealousy issues. inferiority superiority complex. hates himself but will get offended if you hate him. can’t take any form of criticism. is bewildered by sawyer’s american-isms. bit of a madonna whore complex. smol but will go the fuck off like a terrier nipping at ya heels. catholic and riddled with catholic guilt. goofy and obnoxious and he knows it. passive aggressive. terrified of bees. nice ass. mood swings. did i mention he’s short? anyway here’s wonderwall

ben: ugly. just plain terrible. beaten and bruised. seething with rage and pain on the inside. virgin. liar. just causes problems on purpose. resembles a lemur or rat, rodents in general. loves bunnies. doesn’t think sex is real. just a really bad idea for him to be around juliet. has no friends. doesn’t care about other people. says creepy shit just because. he knows he’s a terrible person. killed people. the friend nobody likes and a general nuisance to the other characters

(also my literal first text post meme about ben was a joke about him eating his parents??? 2014 sapphire, i wanna talk...)

juliet: mom friend. seems very calm but she’s screaming on the inside. basically she’s the This Is Fine meme. depressed. has big tits. low-key kinky. feminist in a very gentle way. has no ill will towards kate and will only fight her for fun. concerned for daniel’s well being. has no chemistry with jack. loves sawyer. flat measured calm way of speaking. she’s breaking apart at the seams but will offer you a nice glass of water :)))

michael: has a son..... uh...... enjoys minecraft?

(i’m sorry)

desmond: scottish. drinks. easily and constantly confused. magic psychic time powers, like visions and electromagnetic dimensional stuff. easily angered. fucked off by the concept of time and destiny in general. hhhhhhhot

smokey: Hello Fellow Humans I Promise This Is My Own Skin Haha

miles: bi. aro. loves money (trying to fill the hole in his heart with money and things). emo/punk. pretends not to care but he really does care. thinks emotions and romance are dumb but of course is emotional... and kinda wants love. but not that he LIKES you or anything. exasperated. thinks everybody else is weird. kinda slutty or at least trying to be. masochist and into BDSM. mean to daniel for no reason. daddy issues. resting bitch face. jaded, bitter and salty. responds to romantic things dan or char say with vulgar or mocking comments. grew up poor. can hear dead people. trying too hard to be edgy. deadpan snarker. Fuck Off I’m Not Sad Don’t Look At Me [cries only around the audience and his mom]

walt: becoming older than 10 was when things went downhill for him

shannon: seems vapid but is more than that. deeply insecure. feels she can’t do anything right. constantly put down as worthless by other people. yeah she’s sad but she Looks Great. wants sayid to pound her (mood)

(gee, that was dark)

richard: very old and ageless. sees ben as a son figure. really not holding it together. seems smart but he has no fucking idea whats going on. cult mindset. quips curtly back at miles’ vulgar jokes. in love with miles based on very little interaction. misses his dead wife. has a cute giggle. is also hot. overwhelmed and just wants to go into the jungle and scream

frank: doesn’t understand what anybody is talking about. the only normal person here. doesn’t understand these kids today with their weird kinks. just wants to sleep. pilot. bit of a conspiracy theorist

boone: bi. stupid. soaked in blood a lot.  (L I T E R A L L Y all of my boone jokes are about him being dumb and bi and horribly injured and combos of those. i haven’t even made any incest jokes! what the actual fuck)

ana lucia: “[with tears in her eyes] DO U WANNA FIGHT??”. highly volatile. lesbian. bros with jack but will roast him. angery, sad and underloved

daniel: bi, agender, neurodivergent, just, just especially brain weird. The Scientist trope but kind of a shitty scientist. smart. in love with charlotte. in love with desmond. likes rats a lot. talks weird and soft spoken. withdrawn and polite but with bursts of bitterness. his mom won’t let him live the live he wants to live. time travel weirdness. loves music. gifted kid burn out. has a mental and emotional collapse. thinks a hydrogen bomb will solve all his problems. skinny. touches people a lot. he’s not okay. romantic. overwhelmed. memory problems. his lack of life experience and softness is used to contrast miles. takes some statements literally. pretty vanilla (for now) and doesn’t know what certain kinks are. likes that charlotte is Tough & Rowdy. doesn’t swear much. bad hair. was unhinged in college. has radiation poisoning

libby: neurodivergent and in love with hurley

eko: yeah... i’ve legit only used him for jokes where charlie says something EXTREMELY vulgar and eko says “go to church”

charlotte: bi, loud, passionate, beautiful, angery, knows All The Languages, huge nerd, loves daniel and thinks he’s a Snack, outspoken feminist, archaeologist/anthropologist and wants to explore some fucking ruins, The Lost Lenore trope, loves chocolate, exasperated, great smile, subtly insecure, doesn’t get that she could just tell daniel how she feels, has had many indiana jones like adventures (off screen, of course), for example: crashing her dirtbike into all 7 wonders of the world

danielle: french and unhinged, has seen some shit

alex: just a young lady with no chill

jacob: suffers from terminal apathy. has little understand of human behaviour. doesn’t care about people. he just plain sucks. has no endearing qualities. causes many problems. beats the shit outta richard. doesn’t like technology. so removed from humanity that he’s a touch uncanny valley

christian, eloise, charles and anthony jokes each have their own kind of flavours but fuck it, i’ll sum them all up as: contemptuous cunts who deserve to die

aaron: just a baby boy. does baby things. has like 5 parents

vincent: a dog. a good boy. does he know more than he lets on? is he mysterious? no, he is just a dog

[goxwestxpastxmakemake]

Hi everyone! I’m Speedy and this is my tired boy (tm) Gravi. Cook and owner of Arroz con Gandules, your local one stop shop for authentic Puerto Rican Cuisine. Oh, and guardian of his extremely small, extremely unpredictable cambion sister who he looses too much fucking sleep over because sometimes she just ~poof!~ dissapears and she’s fucking three! That’s fucking terrifying! :) Closeted but will sleep with anyone because he desperately craves feeling s o m e t h i n g. Ex- Addict & convict but is drug-free now and /not/ going back. Stays away from drugs and alcohol but /is/ a chain smoker, nobody’s perfect. He knows he’s got shit to work on but, for what it’s worth, he really does try his best. His sister is his life, even if she’s an actual demon.

The most important info is bolded under the cut! ~

drugs tw; prison tw

CHARACTER NAME: Graviel De La Renta

AGE & DATE OF BIRTH: 28 (July 1, 1987 - Cancer)

GENDER & PRONOUNS: Male, he/him

OCCUPATION: Owner of Arroz con Gandules, Restaurant and Bar

ABOUT.

> The second son of immigrants his parents did their best for Gravi and his brother Luis. They had big dreams and so did he. He let them down and juggles that guilt.

> He was always in the kitchen as a child but never thought he’d be taking over the family business. To be fair, Gravi never thought he’d be anywhere near where he is now but life has a way of knocking you on your ass.

> He struggled with school and was an extremely lonely kid. And despite his parents hope that he’d turn out better than Luis, who was never really around to be, well, a big brother (instead Luis was hanging out with the wrong crowd, doing drugs, and dropping out of school) Gravi started to check out. Not to mention his parents' relationship was straining. Maybe they were lonely in their own right, Gravi isn’t angry with them anymore.

> At this point Luis already had multiple run-ins with drugs and alcohol, anything to muddle his teenage trauma, and Gravi was left alone more often than he likes to remember. They’ve repaired their relationship as adults, but that doesn’t mean Gravi doesn’t continue to harbor repressed memories of their shitty interactions as kids.

> Because of Luis, drugs and bad choices were never too far from his grasp. And Gravi so desperately wanted the attention and approval of his brother. He didn’t start hard use until he had graduated high school (barely, by the skin of his teeth), after the overwhelming feeling of his life going nowhere washed over him. He was uninspired, broke, and living at home. Working at the restaurant with no degree and absolutely no motivation. It was just too easy to lose control of everything. He started dealing. Sometimes he slept on random people’s floors or under bridges just to get away from home. His early twenties were dark.

> At first, prison seemed like a relief but turns out it’s no fucking fun. He felt even more like a disappointment, his parents, his mother especially, had tried so hard to keep him and his brother in the cell next to him out of this exact circumstance. On top of that angst, Gravi had to suffer through the withdraw. Alone. Sweating into a shitty prison cot and getting catcalled at through the bars. It was close to unbearable. He was extremely paranoid, he couldn’t sleep, he couldn’t concentrate on anything for too long. 

> The icing on the shit cake was his parents' deportation. As luck would have it, right before Gravi was released from prison. So he and his brother were all they had. And when his Luis finally started being an actual big brother Gravi was too tired and broken to tell him to fuck off. Shitty that it was prison that brought them together but what the hell. It was Luis that pushed Gravi to sign up for the baking/cooking program the facility offered, after all. And that had been Graviel’s saving grace.

> Working in the kitchen helped him focus. It slowly became a necessity, for him to be in front of the stove instead of, say, making license plates. He started to find an appreciation for his culture and the food his parents used to create a life for him and his brother again. And it was food that got Gravi probation, and into a culinary reentry program. It’d been an adjustment assimilating back into society after years behind bars but he would do it all again if it meant he got to fall in love with cooking and save his parents restaurant. And it was because of his dedication and care to the craft that he was able to rise to the top of his class. That he was allowed to get his degree in culinary arts. That he got out. He finally felt like he was doing something he was proud of. Like he had some sort of purpose that isn’t scaring up his arm or feeling shitty about himself.

> That is until one fateful night three years ago when he was locking up the doors of Arroz that he was greeted by a literal infant swaddled in a carrier. Remember when I said his parents weren’t exactly in a happy marriage? Well, it turns out the year before Gravi was released from prison his mother was having an affair. With a demon. And now that cambion child was Gravi’s -- the guy who literally just got out of jail and was trying to figure out how to run a restaurant on his own now had an infant to look after too.

> Needless to say, it was a whole fucking lot. Raised a devout Catholic, Gravi didn’t even believe in the supernatural until Sofia came into his life. And he’s still learning.

> As far as the veils are concerned he just wants his sister to live as normal a life as possible. That’s all. If that means never meeting other demons then so be it. He’d rather she didn’t.

I think that’s all folks! I apologize this is so sloppy. I’m always down for plots so please don’t hesitate to reach out! 

Click for > CONNECTIONS <

[avallcnis]

I think there’s a lot of reasons why Merlin says he’s emotionless, chiefly because I think he believes at this point that he is. If you tell yourself something is true for long enough then, sadly, you tend to start believing it and this is something Merlin has been telling himself for a very very long time.

Fair warning this will be a long post.

Merlin has always known exactly what he is, and whilst his mother can be inferred to have loved him/done her best by him she was the only one. Merlin was bullied as a child because of this, and I really do doubt that it was only children being like this to him. He was essentially treated like a monster as a young boy;

In the dispute Dabutius said to Merlin “You fool, do you presume to quarrel with me? Is there any equality in our birth? I am descended from royal race, both by my father’s and my mother’s side. As for you, nobody knows what you are, for you never had a father.

I don’t think altercations like this were uncommon, especially if we take into account the fact Merlin is actually a Prince himself given his grandfather was a King. It’s obviously inferred here that Dabutius is also royalty, but even then you don’t usually casually run around insulting the grandchildren of Kings. The fact no one bats an eye to this or suggests Dabutius not being an asshole is.... also fairly telling. People past his mother didn’t care about him, arguably they didn’t want him near them and were by on large cruel to him. People are generally unpleasant to what they don’t understand, and I really do think Merlin is lucky to be alive more than anything. Especially being that he is half Demon in an era which is really quite heavily Catholic.

To say he spent most of his formative years treated like a monster is fair, which to a child would unquestionably cause so much damage. It becomes easy to believe the majority telling you this/treating you that way, especially when your father was a ‘monster’. Sadly he is a product of this treatment, finding it easier to take their words at face value than continually end up distressed trying to argue with them on the matter.

It’s hard to say exactly how old Merlin was when he met Vortigern, the illustrations being in that old style that makes everyone (even cats?) look like 50 year old men. From his stature though it can be inferred he was probably about 15.

Vortigern obviously wanted to kill Merlin, told him as much when they met, stating he wanted to use his blood because his tower wouldn’t remain standing. By this point I think Merlin already believed his own inhumanity and, as a result, was grappling already with a repression of emotions. We see him bursting into tears when he gives Vortigern the prophecy of the two dragons (and you can argue that could just be for dramatic writing effect, something I agree with. However in the application of this to a character which is being written ‘dramatic effect’ isn’t a solid explanation to such an emotional reaction from a child), which i think is largely due to the fact he’s really struggling to cope with it all.

Merlin obviously ends up in the service of Vortigern, a man who was notorious for his cruelty as an individual. When Vortigern dies he ends up in the service of Aurelius, and from him Uther. All of these men were often described in bestial and animalistic ways, being people who inspired fear before respect. Merlin survived because he was useful to them, because his ‘inhumanity’ made him something of an asset. Exposing weakness to men like that would have been foolish, showing emotions giving them a leverage he was scared to offer. If Merlin hadn’t managed to shut himself down on an emotional level before these 3 he certainly managed to do it during his time under them.

Then comes Arturia, someone Merlin ends up loving. His dialogue in FGO when paired with her is indicative, expressing what I really think is a genuine happiness for being near her again; he has no reason to lie here, there is nothing to be gained by him acting happy if he is not. Merlin loved her, but I think he was and is far too damaged to do better than he did. Yes he has his clairvoyance and knew how things would end, but clairvoyance of the future is shown to show the individual many possible futures and does not always give a complete picture. Merlin thought he knew what he was doing and objectively he did, but she made him feel for her and suddenly he’s faced with the fact he’s caused all kind of damage to this girl and now there’s nothing he can do. His realisation is too late, and it’s crushing.

When she ends up stuck in that awful limbo of hers this is made worse, his guilt consuming as he makes himself watch because it is the least he can do. The least he owes this girl. When she is summoned to fight he hides Excalibur, doing what little he can but knowing it’s not enough. He watches her torture for a millennium and a half, watching someone he loves tortured essentially because of him. This, for someone who has 0 emotional intelligence for all he has the capacity for emotion still, is so far beyond what he is able to deal with or reconcile with. Garden Of Avalon goes on to describe how awful he finds the entire thing, but that he cannot look away due to his own guilt.

It is not until the end of the fifth grail war that we see a shift in Merlin, the conclusion spurring him to kick Cath Palug out of Avalon to go and find ‘beauty’ such as that he himself had seen. Before this point I think Merlin had truly lost sight of how beautiful the world was, falling into a state probably best described as depressive. With the end of that war he found beauty, found the worth in things again, and wished for Cath Palug to go and find these things too.

In the years between the end of of that grail war and the events of FGO Merlin took to a more positive outlook again, one catalysed by Ritsuka. But... this got very long so that’s a headcanon for another day.