#no wonder they're all fucking obsessed with him he could reduce a person to tears with one nice sentence

[brionysea]

currently studying the mechanics of mike being unbearably sweet to his friends until they're blushing and kicking their feet so that I can replicate it in fic form cause I have the best fic ideas

[nova-alien-rants]

trying to finally heal my NPD and dealing with the damage it's caused is so fucking devastating

uhh if you demonize narcs please get off my blog before i launch you into the sun uhh this post is kinda long

it just... it hurts so bad dude. and i feel like my BPD makes it even worse because every time i'm confronted with the reality that i've fucked up those around me so badly, i can end up spiraling into thinking i'm the worst person ever, i deserve to die, i ruin everything, there's no hope for me, etc. it's so awful. i genuinely hate how much i've hurt those in my life.

examples:

i've gaslit my gf to the point where she still feels like SHE'S the problem, even though it's literally been me all along. she kept trying to help me and i villainized her the whole time. i'm disgusted with how i acted. my eyes have been opened and i no longer act the way i did, but the damage has been done and i can't help but cry because of how much i've hurt her these past several years.

my friend became used to me making backhanded jabs and even passive aggressive remarks because i always felt threatened by him. i stopped being mean to him like that, but because he was used to that dynamic with me, he kept up with his own vindictiveness and made me feel terrible that i trained him to do that in the first place. he doesn't do it with anyone else.

i've lost many friends and gotten into baseless arguments simply because i was acting like a giant asshole under the delusion that THEY were the assholes, not me. even though they literally did not do anything. my own ego was wounded and that wasn't their fault. i was such a fool for destroying those relationships.

i feel so fucking despondent so much of the time now, and i keep flip flopping between "there's hope for me and i can help reduce the stigma of NPD" and "i am the worst person ever, i'm a horrible monster who just hurts people, there's no getting better for me." my emotions are so intense. either they're everywhere, or they're nowhere. i also feel so much grief. i could have had amazing relationships with amazing people around me, and to an extent i do now! but so much of the lives of myself and others have been absolutely ravaged by my own self obsession and vindictiveness, and i can't help but wonder what things would be like if i weren't the way i am. honestly i'm so ashamed of myself for letting things get to this point.

whenever i would do research on NPD, i would wonder like... why do people not know they have this condition? how could they possibly not know when it fucks up their lives so bad? i knew about my BPD and OCPD before i even knew what those conditions were called, and those are also ego-syntonic personality disorders! so i was REALLY thrown a curveball when i was told i'm a narc. it felt like my world shattered and i simultaneously could see clearer, but also felt so much shame and sadness. and other things, but i don't even know what in specific. bad things. it seriously changed how i viewed myself and everyone and everything in this world around me.

i remember i would always tell myself i would never end up like my parents, both of whom are narcissists. they were and still are the worst abusers out of all the abusers i've ever had in my life. so when i found out i was a narc, too, i felt disgusted not only because it explained so much of my life, but also because it meant my worst fear had come true. i associate narcissism with my parents. i'd be lying if i were to say i didn't have my own internalized ableism about NPD due to them. at the same time though, i get distressed from sharing physical features with them too, so it's hard to really say. it just sucks all around.

i feel like some kind of evil monster crying crocodile tears upon finally having it click that they actually are, indeed, some kind of evil monster. i've hurt so many people so badly and i was totally blind to it. COMPLETELY. to the point i genuinely believed THEY were the ones hurting ME. sometimes i'm so consumed with shame i literally never want to show my face to anyone ever again. i want to run away and start a new life where no one knows who i am or what my past was like. but alas, such is not feasible, so i am stuck dealing with the consequences of my actions. and accept them i will, of course, because it's the grave i dug for myself, but fuck, man. this feels so awful. i feel so awful.

[ponderingthoughtsblog]

well, it finally happened.

i got my first hate comment from one of my former friends, who wasn't even really my friend at all, we just had a mutual friend. she of course brought up a situation from nearly three years ago so it's good to know she's hated me all along, just as much as i hated her.

and to top it all off, i blocked her but she somehow has access to my private twitter account and sent me screenshots of a post i made concerning the situation and accused me off saying i could out my former friend bc i had insider knowledge. i would never do that bc i know the pain of being outed, bc she herself outed me to all our friends years ago and made it some big whoopsy joke. i have plenty of other ammuniation to use against her, such as her and her brother's heavy drug use, or her engaging in lots of premarital sex which her parents would hate. she's very financially dependent on them in a way im not and telling them anything would ruin her life. but i wouldn't do that bc i'm trying, of i'm trying, to be the bigger person. it's hard.

how can i be the delusional, obsessed one when their tracking and stalking ME on social media? sending me hate and directly mentioning me online? she clearly has told them a made up version of what happened if this is the reaction. i can be content in knowing i was right and i did the right thing. there is no coming back from this and that makes me sad. and the fact that they constantly talk shit about each other to one another and still want to be friends makes me laugh. as long as they can laugh at me privately in their hateful groupchat, i'm good. hate me, love me, i don't really care.

as i said them, i'm just happy to no longer be friends with people who DO NOT LIKE ME. why are ya'll mad at me for taking myself out of that situation when it's clearly what you wanted. and then to LIE and say I owe you and your brother money???? for what????? you nickle and fucking dimed me on my way out of that godforsaken situation you have all the money you need. your poor financial decisions are none of my business and not my fucking problem. just say your broke babe. no wonder your boyfriend dumped your ass. literally good on him for recognizing his worth and leaving you in the dust. none of your friends liked him or were nice to him. ever. only me. and that was bc you begged me to do what i could to make the others see that he was cool.

you're a nasty little cunt who feeds off of other people's success, can't be happy for anyone else, puts other people down to make yourself feel better, shit's on other people constantly (even your own friends), questions and belittles other people over their sexuality, is ok with one of her friends SA'ing another friend and said it was her fault and she was asking for it, screams at me to the point of reducing me to tears/an autistic meltdown, is bitter as fuck over other people's happiness, has no concept of respectable boundaries, makes her problems everyone else's, shitted on me for spending my hard earned money bc it "made her feel bad" bc she wasn't in a place to do that, among so much else shit. this is what i've put up with for literal years. and i finally put my foot down and was ignored, so now i've simply taken myself out of the situation and they're mad at me over it. make it make sense.