#no story spoilers here just the old man looking tasty as fuck

[bracken-black]

He is my squeaky toy I am chewing him to pieces

[anavatazes]

Learn to be a Texas Southern, From Austin.

Ok. First of all, I love you all. I truly do. I adore my fan fic writers, especially if you write my Joel crack... um, stories. *cough* The man keeps me in a bear hug and refuses to let go. Not that I am complaining ;).

BUT, for the LOVE of all that is holy and good and Joel, STOP using any American TV show or movie for reference to how things are in Texas as far as the food, the way they talk, the way the weather is, how and what a BBQ is, and I swear if I see another one with snow...

Like I said, I love you all. Yes, fan fiction is fantasy. You can write what you want. How you want. That's what is so great and wonderful about it. Get creative, get wild. Go crazy! But don't sit there and act like you do your research and are an accurate little miss that can do no wrong. Nuh-uh. I will find a slew of little old ladies that will Bless Your Hearts from here to Oblivion if you call Ribs with BBQ sauce proper BBQ in Texas. Believe you me. Every State in the Union has their own form of BBQ, and in the Southern States, it's a fucking religion akin to College Football and Jesus.

American TV and movies are pretty generic when it comes to the accuracy of our own culture and will take great liberties when trying to pass off one area for another. This includes accents, ways people speak, and how the areas they are in truly are. I touched on this briefly when I went over the whole Bless Your Heart phrase and how it does not mean what you think it means and it can get pretty offensive quick. American TV likes to go for the shock value, and the drama more than it likes to go for the accuracy and really doesn't care who it offends in the process. And older shows, like Dallas, Southerners don't talk like that anymore. Except maybe a few left in Kentucky... Maybe. Watch play-throughs of the games if you want a feel for how Joel speaks. Especially the first one. Stay away from the second one if you are trying to avoid season 2 spoilers for the show.

No Outbreak!/Pre-Outbreak!Joel will spend Saturday mornings with Sarah hiking. And there are next to no hills (unless man-made) in Austin. It's all flatland. No mountains. A few rivers, and Lake Travis isn't far away. A lot of trails all around Austin from 1999 to 2013, depending on when you wanted to have Outbreak Day if you wanted it at all. They'd probably go to one of a trillion restaurants in Austin for lunch, depending on their taste. It is canon that Joel can't cook. Tommy, Ellie, AND Sarah all bring it up in Pt. 1 and Pt. 2, if you know where to look. I would say one of their favorite places would be Home Slice for some great pizza. Or maybe even Torchies for a wide variety of tasty Tex-Mex food. Maybe even pick up some Brisket (Texas BBQ) to take home to get ready for an afternoon spent watching the University of Texas football game on the TV, if we're in August to January. Honestly, May through the beginning of October, they probably aren't doing too much hiking. The temperature of 100° plus (in Fahrenheit) is all the rage at this time. And you might have high humidity one day, with non-stop thunderstorms that might seem like a hurricane, and can spawn a tornado, but really isn't a hurricane. Then the next day, be the dryest heat that you've ever experienced in your life. Though, from what I've heard, the latter rarely happens now. More humid days are common now.

Texas BBQ.

If you are ever in the Southern United States, do yourself a favor, and just do not call anything related to the grill BBQ, ok. You will be better off and have a nicer visit, and life overall. If you like to live dangerously, go ahead and call the grill a BBQ. Call a cookout a BBQ. Go ahead. I'll wait. I'll have the tissues ready and waiting for the passive-aggressive politeness from the ladies and the open hostility from the not-so-gentlemen. You have a Cookout, or you Grill out. A BBQ is a way of life and means something different in each state (and will start a war in North Carolina because they are so special, they have two kinds of BBQ). Most everyone in (at least the South) can agree that BBQ food is some sort of slow cooked meat. In Texas, almost 99% of the population agrees it's Brisket, and the rest are wrong. (That's another Southern thing, they are right, and everyone else is just wrong. Drives me nuts when they use it in an argument). Now, they will have different ways of preparing it, and they will have fights over it (have witnessed several), but they all agree on Brisket.

Being close to the Mexican border and Texas' history as a part of Mexico once upon a time means that there is a heavy Mexican influence in Austin. As much as Texas likes to claim to be white bread, it really isn't. From the food to the people to the names of streets, cities, etc, there is a heavy Mexican influence. The idea that, somewhere, that Joel and Tommy have Latino blood is not far-fetched. Especially on the show. At the very least they would have a basic understanding of Spanish. That is being from Austin, regardless if they share any Mexican heritage or not.

Politeness and the True Southern Gentlemen.

I hate to break it to you, but there is no such thing as the great Southern Politeness and Hospitality. In fact, if a guy comes up to me and says he's a True Southern Gentleman, I'm running the other way. That "Gentleman" is 9/10 times a walking sexual assault case. This is not to say there are no nic+e and polite people in the South, but it is no different from any other place in the US. But, I will tell you, from the upper middle class on up, they can be some of the most passive-aggressive mother fuckers you will ever meet. From the Mid-Middle Class on down, the more hospitable they will be, and they fit the stereotype the upper class has somehow gotten. It's a mess.

Religion

Not everyone in the South is Christian, or devout, but will say a phrase that will make you think they are. I touched on this in my Bless Your Heart post. As God as my Witness, Good Lord Willin', Christ Almighty, and others are common phrases you will hear in the South. It DOES NOT mean the speaker is religious by any means. Trust me.

That's all I have for now. I could go on, as there is more. And please remember, fan fiction is fantasy, it's creative. Write what you want. This is just to help out those who are looking for more accuracy. And as it has been a while since Austin for me, and you are from Texas, and more specifically Austin, and you wish to add more info, and/or correct anything, feel free, please. There are a lot of differences among the Southern States, and it can be a pain to keep it all straight. So I have no problem in receiving help to keep in all in line :).

[neonravengames]

what do u think of the new dragon age game? i’ve been hearing so many mixed reviews over it. does it still feel like dragon age? is bioware back?

Okay so there are a few things I want to say about Dragon Age but it’s important to share that these are MY feelings. The long and short of it is yes I think BioWare is back, there are things I wish were fixed (the lack of DLC is annoying to me) but god damn this is what I’ve been missing. I think this is as good as we could have hoped to get considering everything.

1) holy hell this is the trans rep I’ve wanted. I made my character a man with top surgery scars and selected the options to say I’m trans and his story? Where he shared how he discovered he was trans? It was so close to my own and I just cried. Plus you get to bring it up! Repeatedly! The use of the terms trans and non-binary were a little shocking at first but… I like it? It’s like my term isn’t a ‘bad word’ it fits fine. (Side note, I was almost done making my character when I noticed I had made the male version of my very first character on accident. Being able to have him be trans like me just felt… right.)

2) Speaking of bringing it up, I made a Mourn Watcher and it comes up all the time! Now sure you’re not getting a radically different narrative depending on the origin, but that’s not a realistic expectation. It’s flavor! And it’s damn tasty.

3) For the story, I’ve really liked it. There are lots of spoilers id love to talk about but as a day 1 (I got DA Origins like two days after it released) elf lore enjoyer I am very happy. I don’t know where exactly we’re going from here but I can’t wait.

4) this feels… like a love letter to dragon age. I know that’s been said but it really does. Sure the world state stuff sucks but fuck I’m not ready to leave this world behind. They’ve said there will be more games and I really think based on the reception of Veilguard there will be.

I think… if I had to sum this game up, it’s mostly like reuniting with an old friend. We’ve both changed, grown wiser, experienced things separately but we just fit together. I can’t say your experience will be like that, my love and enjoyment of this series will be different from your own, but for me this is it. This is why I make stories, why I love creating. This is where I discovered parts of my identity, and they were welcomed, not shunned. I can’t say any game has ever captured that, even BG3. I’m still not sure who to romance haha but I’m glad that no matter what happens we got this game.

My advice is to take it slow, sink into the story and world. Let go of what might have been and look at it for what it is. I hope you enjoy it and if you don’t that’s okay.

[manifestoonmoralmanlove]

Soulless Riffing: Brainless Epilogue

I got a supernatural action/romance book series as a gift that’s just riddled with stuff that I hate….and as a steampunk Victorian London action romance story filled with werewolves and vampires…it’s yeah gonna be easy to poke fun at.

I just want to say, it’s totally cool if you like this story or ones like it!  It’s certainly a better caliber than a lot of what I make fun of…however…I can’t help but want to make fun of it.

Over here for the 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7+8, 9, 10+11, 12, 13, and 14.

HERE’S THE FINAL CHAPTER, STRAP IN MY HEARTIES!

Epilogue

So, dang, this epilogue’s pace is the worst.  It’s so bad, if I recounted the events in the order they appeared I feel as if this riff would have a bad pace itself.  

So there’s this detached, braggadocios tone that describes two separate portions of the wedding in two totally separate parts of chapter.  I can boil it down to this actual quote, “The wedding was hailed as a masterpiece of social engineering and physical beauty.”

It starts off with almost an entire page of describing the dress.  I mean sure, but fashion isn’t my thing so my eyes glaze over.  Also that they had to redesign the dress at the last minute cause Maccon gave her a hickey that needed to be hid.  And I mean, isn’t that what we need to educate our young women about?

Man’s every careless sexual impulse needs to be catered to even if it greatly inconveniences everyone else. Why can’t you just cover it up with make-up?  Why is this adult novel treating a marriage of adults like a middle-school dance? WHO KNOoooOoOoooOooOOOWS?????

BUT THIS WAS ALL FOR THE BETTER cause the neckline of her dress inspired London’s fashion for a whole 3 weeks.  

Here’s an accurate attempt at me trying to understand this, “I guess it’s nice to have rich idiots incinerate and rebuild their wardrobe because of a thing you wore once.  But why stop there? I’d create an army of genderqueer flannel-babies out to hate read harmless fiction.”  Yes Faps, your interests are clearly superior to those who like to dress feminine.  Way to go!

We have a full page on the food which was more interesting but in a limited way because I have not had guinea fowl, aspic jelly, pigeons, sole, woodcock pie, pheasant, or grouse. But like, I’m not uncultured or anything! I’ve had alligator meat before! ….oh damn my American is showing real bad right now. DON’T MIND ME I’M JUST GOING TO HIDE BEHIND A WALL OF IMPERIALISTIC WAR CRIMES! But that’s okay cause the British can relate to that.

Personally I’d much rather the story brag about delicious food it’s likely the audience has had before, than just throwing out stuff that sounds period appropriate.  Cause honestly? My imagination does not think any of that would be tasty.   My dream wedding is definitely forcing near a thousand people (most of whom I’ve met only once) to pick at gamey meat and envy my dedication to an inconsiderate buffoon.

But before the wedding officially goes down we have the one and only nice scene.  Alexia wakes up Akeldama early so he can see the sunset before her wedding.  There was no reason for her to do it that day, since it made her late to her own wedding, but dangit it was nice.

However the actual wedding? Phew boy, there is no talk of the actual ceremony.  In fact there’s no cute speeches, dancing, bonding moments between friends or family, or even funny drama of the werewolves clashing with the humans.  I mean it would have been super annoying to have a scene where Alexia’s sister shrieks at one of the werewolves for drinking punch out of a bowl like a dog, and when she tries to rip it from him it spills all over herself.  Cause there’s no reason to cathartically enjoy seeing her sister humiliated but dang…it would have at least been SOMETHING ALMOST FUN!

Three things happened during the reception.

1.)    Alexia and Prof. Lyall hook Ivy up with some BARELY named servant to Maccon and Lyall. Like, you realize the trope of shacking up the side characters is supposed to be this cute little tying together of established characters, usually very different ones? Like it’s supposed to kinda help wrap things up by having separate parts of the story literally cum errr I mean come together.  Like, the obvious and decent choice, would have been Lyall and Ivy.  Hell if you needed Lyall for other nonsense, why not that Haverblink hunk guy Ivy was I THINK drooling over?  Took a fun trope and wasted it.

2.)    Alexia is ~gifted~ the Vampire hive servant Angelique.  Gosh I’m super looking forward to the part where Angelique realizes vampires are chumps and betrays them for the super cool Alexia.  I thought since she was named and pleading with Alexia for help earlier, she’d be damsel’d, or comes back later with more secret info, or was the villain mastermind AFTERALL! NOPE!  This human person with a name, hopes, fears, goals, thoughts, and emotions of her own is given like a decorative silverware basket as a GOD DAMN WEDDING GIFT! AND ALEXIA THINKS THAT’S FINE CAUSE TO HER HUMAN BEINGS ARE PROPERTY AND SHE’S OUR RACISM FIGHTING HERO! HOORAY!

3.)    Sorry to save the most tepid for last but the last thing of note is that Maccon’s werewolf pack, as part of werewolf tradition turn into wolves and just circle around them barking and howling….okay cool cool…but have you considered the more wolf thing to do would totally be for all of them to pee on her. ONE AT A TIME, THEY’RE CIVILIZED!  Her new husband gets all offended that she’s upset at this wholesome tradition.  Alexia secretly plots to bring supernatural genocide back into vogue again.

So on the carriage ride home they fuck but we have an entire book worth of build up for this scene to last 1 page.  Like, I wasn’t even looking forward to it but was still disappointed.  And, of course, this is one of those books that can’t directly mention SEX PARTS which SPOILER ALERT usually makes it confusing if you can’t be fucking straightforward.  Despite being all coy about it there’s the iffy phrase, “had Alexia squirming in such a way as to force the very tip of him inside her whether she willed it or no.”

Yeesh! As hot as you folks may find ravishment, it feels really out of place with a woman who’s supposed to be super horny and into her husband for it to still be written noncommittally like ravishment.

But with a lurch of the carriage he’s blamo balls deep and she says out loud that it hurts.  He DOES look worried and ask her if it still does. So kudos!  However there’s this infuriating line

“Something extremely odd and tingly was beginning to occur in her nether regions.”

Okay you weren’t aroused until he was balls deep, and we’re going to describe this as if a 26 year old woman (whom by the way has described being aroused by this man before, and describes being fascinated with her dad’s dirty books) is bamboozled that a dick in her made her horny.      

(Man looking confused and a bit suspect as he says okay.)

Also “It culminated in the most intriguing second heartbeat emerging around the area where he had impaled himself.”

WHAT!? YOU CAN’T SAY PUSSY BUT WE’RE GOING TO THROW THE WORD IMPALED IN THERE?

(Brittney Spears looking cringed out.)

That gives me the yikes.

She flops over after what sounds like 2 minutes of porking to remark, “Ooo,” said Alexia, fascinated, “it shrinks back down again.  The books didn’t detail that occurrence.”

OKAY 1ST OF ALL YOU LEGIT SAW THIS HAPPEN BEFORE WHEN YOU WERE DRY-HUMPING IN THE DUNGEON, BUT EVEN IF YOU HADN’T, WAS SHE UNDER SOME DELUSION THAT WHEN A DUDE GETS HIS 1ST BONER THAT’S JUST WHAT HIS DICK IS NOW?

YOU’D THINK CODPIECES WOULD STILL BE IN FASHION IF EVERY MAN IS SLINGING AROUND HIS ERECTION 100% OF THE TIME!

WHY ARE YOU SO FUCKING STUPID ALEXIA!?

If you wanted a cute little sexy thing to mention…why not, “Oh my dad’s books never mentioned that it throbbed! Or that it could twitch! Or that it got SO red! Or that it got THAT hard, it’s only full of blood afterall!”

LE SIGH!

So the story ends with the prospect of them gonna fuck sum more.

Say something Nice Faps:

I legit really liked that brief scene where she holds Lord Akeldama’s hand as they watch the sunrise, and he’s crying, and she’s got her head on his shoulder and just PRECIOUS!

Out of the things to brag about at a wedding, food is the top of my list, I can appreciate that she dedicated some time to it.

The sex had a bit of that ravishment flavor but Maccon does check in, and she admits she enjoys it.

IT’S OVER!

[jq37]

okay so I meant to send this on anon and I think I might have accidentally done so off but then I tried to cancel it and idk if it worked?? anyways! the point is, I’m the anon who doesn’t have dropout rn so! what’s the tea on the new ep? what did I miss? :)

**spoilers for arcade ambush**

Now, I know I use the word wild a lot, but don’t let that take away from the fact that this episode was truly wild.

Biz had such an interesting power set. He has the wings so he can fly, he has all the weird mesmerization type powers (I was picturing that old bager, badger, badger, mushroom video when he was multiplying himself to trip up Fig). Fighting him is like being stuck in Toon Town but in the worst possible way. Then there were the game cabinets sucking people into them and the ghosts possessing people and forcing them to flee. It was really a brutal fight.

(Sidenote, are we to believe that the ghosts that he raised were nerds who died in arcade? Morbid, if true. Also it would have to be a different arcade since that one was new.)

Anyway, this def was an ep full of frustration. They were constantly getting frightened and forced to run or trapped in games or whatever. It’s a good think Ally casted Guardian of Faith before the fight because they were, once again, a life saver. I was a little surprised the arcade game fights were one and done Box of Doom rolls but I guess there was a lot going on.

“Well I’ll just shoot him.” Riz getting a nat 1 trying to shoot Biz point blank was so painful. 

Riz: Hey guys, Biz is a bad guy./Adaine: Yeah, no duh! 

Everyone making the most mediocre rolls to check out the prizes in the prize cabinet. And Brennan just getting more and more like, “Come on y’all.” I wanted someone to pick up the sneakers. I felt like they were gonna be some kind of stealth bonus item.

Gorgug got a nat 20 charisma! My boy!

Oh, side note, they updated Adaine’s mini with her boss new jacket which is super dope.

Fig and Kristen actively antagonizing the corn god who’s saving their ass.

“Fucking nerd.” Adaine, who has been pretty savage the past few episodes.

Fabian who has never been denied anything in his life looking at the million credit sword: I’d like it.

Trevon

Everyone being furious at Riz being stuck in the game but also impressed by the design of the set.

Gorgug calling his parents mid-fight! Which seems wild but actually is the SMARTEST THING ANY OF THESE LITERAL CHILDREN HAVE EVER DONE.

I feel like Brennan def read up on his philosophy quotes after the last fight because he was back in business this ep.

Cleric is an underrated class y’all. Ally is really rocking it.

What a bad time for Adaine to finally fail a panic attack roll. She’s had a really long run without them though.

I love that Lou always curses as Fabian by saying, “Christ,” completely ignoring that doesn’t make sense in this world, but like. That is what Fabian would say, you know?

Fabian getting stuck in DDR instead of Punch Out is personally offensive to him.

“Hell yeah I take a disengage”

Sidenote: Divination is a really cool ability.

Ugh, Riz. What a terrible time to fail an investigate check. HE GOT PALIMSESTED.

Aww at Lou giving Murph the, “Hang in there, buddy,” shoulder rub after that happened. 

Gorgug getting trapped in whack a gnome is MESSED UP. Also, the fact that whack a gnome is a game that exists in a world where gnomes also exist is SUPER MESSED UP.

Adaine: Fuck, I’m fucked! 

PROTECT YOUR WIZARD BETTER.

Fabian having to have a dance off in the middle of the fight.

The girls getting downloaded periodically throughout the fight was so freaking ominous. 

“I’m under the influence of two ghosts.”

Fabian and Adaine both terrified and running into each other and yelling like freaking Scooby Doo.

OK, while Fig was possessed, Brennan made her read a card that said “Wow. A lot of strong feelings to process here.” And I am told (but can’t confirm) that that’s a line that was said in ep 1? Maybe by the guidance counselor? And then it’s not resolved in this episode. So that seems important.

Emily upon hearing that Riz is stuck in the crystal: Piss in it.

“Do you have any clue about how to get out of here, I mean, clearly you don’t.”

What would Fabian do without that bike, man?

I love that Emily uses Kristen’s full name for no apparent reason half the time.

Kristen channeling the power of friendship to turn undead.

Gorgug is a bottomless pit of HP.

Ally: Is it good to get in the game?/Literally everyone else: NO.

“A tasty walk?”

The philosophers going, “Verily,” to Fig’s base playing and then her moonwalking away.

Siobhan immediately irl cringing at being called a lovely lady by Biz.

HELLISH REBUKE. HELL YEAH FIG. HELL YEAH EMILY.

Penny’s scene with Riz in the palimpsest was like legitimately touching. 

But again, Murph gets the nat 20 at the most story appropriate time! Just like last week.

OK, so the girls’ downloads are getting sent to the AV room in Aguefort. Not necessarily suspicious considering that Biz is involved, but interesting to note.

Gorgug pulling an Odysseus and cranking his tunes to ignore the games. 

Also his, “Sup nerd?” to Biz.

Kristen absolutely crushed this fight y’all. She basically got out without a scratch. 

Siobhan saying sick like Brennan is hilarious to me.

Gorgug being so mad at Biz’s pronunciation of meme.

“Hot topic nerds hate AV club nerds.”

Nothing bothers Emily more than not being able to take an action.

The gang actively mocking and taping Biz as he tries to mesmerize them.

Aww man Murph failing that roll before Penny was downloaded. Heartbreaking. 

Everyone visibly recoiling every time Biz talked.

Zac reminding Brennan about advantage and then him picking up every dice he owns. “LIE NEXT TIME DUDE!” He has a cool ass shock of white hair now though. Like, not good but kinda rad.

I feel like Ally has gotten really comfortable with the game mechanics as we’ve gone on. 

Kristen hugging Gorgug to protect him is such an adorable image. 

“I’m still full health because God exists!”

Shoutout to the SFX guys. They were especially on point this ep.

“Can I just use mage hand to plug the machine out?”

Kristen as Fig getting is her ass kicked by the doppelganger Figs: KISS ONE OF THEM.

The guardian that killed Biz throwing down his cig like a true French philosopher. 

FABIAN. 

Kristen was the MVP of the fight but Fabian was the MVP of the episode y’all. Like I said, all that promo yelling was either gonna be a TPK or the raddest thing ever and it was option 2! 

Shoutout to Siobahn for getting Lou that advantage roll because that saved his ass.

Lou just pretending to get up and leave because game over y’all.

Brennan starting to just narrate assuming failure. 

Zac being like, “Well at least try.”

Lou doing them 1 by 1 for the drama of it all, just like Fabian would want it.

Getting a ten first, exactly half of what he needed.

Then the absolute CHAOS that erupted from the table at the 20. By this point, I was pretty sure he was gonna get it because that shot from the trailer hadn’t happened yet and it was near the end of the episode but DAMN it was satisfying. Moments like this are what MAKE RPGs.

Being showered with gold coins sounds extremely painful but that’s beside the point here. 

Fabian coming back and lying that he was fighting ghosts outside and everyone totally buying and being like thanks for having our backs man.

I love how much Fig loves her two dad situation now. 

Emily and Ally evil mischievous smiling at each other when Emily requests to kill Biz.

Everyone Else: NO.

Brennan: He’s dead, bruh.

Ally like Grinch smiles when Brennan announces that Biz is dead.

“Would she be able to casually get him out of a palimpsest?”

“I still have these handcuffs.”/”Where’d you get those?”/”Uh, nevermind.”

Every time this group has to interrogate someone they escalate all the way immediately.

 But MAN Riz was doing some serious drug cartel interrogation on Biz, shooting off fingers and stuff!

Adaine REFUSING to feel bad about bullying Biz (she’s right and she should say it).

“If I were to have a morsel such as yourself stuck in a palimpsest–” IMMEDIATELY slapped by every party member. Bro, you GOTTA stop perving on Adaine IN FRONT OF HER.

Brennan full on RPing unconsious Biz.

“I’m not a bad guy.”/”YES YOU ARE!”

“Fucking Aelwen again!” Same, girl.

OK, so Biz has false memories of coming up with this idea, but what does that mean exactly? Was he manipulated Inception style or actually forced? Because I come up with bad ideas every day. Doesn’t mean I act on them.

“Blow your fuking nose!”

“You see his dick glows for a second.”

Nice of Adaine to ask for permission to do her brain jitsu, even though she didn’t have to and she had all the extenuating circumstances in the world to just break in.

Biz speaking to Penelope on the regular. Hmm.

Siobhan/Adane’s look when Biz says, “I’m cool too.”

So his memory was cut out the day before the Hudol party. Interesting. 

Adaine getting a clear threat on her family’s life: THEY CAN BURN MY FUCKING HOUSE DOWN I DON’T GIVE A SHIT.

AND THEN IT ENDS THERE

So two things:

1) Siobhan keeps getting KILLER end lines.

2) I threw a lot of plot info at the bottom without analyzing it because I’m going to look at that and the promo in another post (prob tomorrow) so stay tuned! 

[pinksweatergettingbetter]

warning, the following has mainly snarky (and possibly furious) opinions on Spirit of Justice. Reader discretion is advised.

alright. part two, here we go

-

“she’s safe”

“I’m afraid you’ve lost me”

the words ‘maya’ and ‘safe’ do not go together in phoenix’s dictionary 

-

...Phoenix’s phone has caller ID??

-

ooh a phone vocal-blip. cute

-

ok fuck you how is the Benefactor keeping tabs on them?? Did Atishon use his One Phone Call to report to headquarters or something???

-

“I admit, I didn’t see that coming”

well spoilers guys I know who the benefactor is, and they have to be pretty fucking stupid not to know that a spirit medium is needed for this.

-

“its your friendly neighbourhood dragon”

no dhurke, youre not cool enough to be spiderman.

-

“you cant lay a hand on maya fey, and i mean literally”

>foreboding 

-

[sighs deeply]

guys. just. fucking call edgeworth. he’s chief prosecutor of america and his sister is part of INTERPOL. call edgeworth and just. fix the fucking problem. right now.

-

“No time to explain”

ggghhghghhghghgh

-

...oh. there’s edgeworth

...............now watch him be completely fucking useless

-

.......ARE YOU KIDDING ME

PHOENIX /DID/ CALL EDGEWORTH THE MOMENT MAYA WAS KIDNAPPED AND HE STILL WENT THROUGH HIS FUCKING “DUHHH BETTER DEFEND THIS OBVIOUS CRIMINAL” SHIT??

-

oh edgeworth. you and your chartered planes.

whenever he does that i like to imagine he hired MJN air.

-

Edgeworth...

A) Why are you letting Dhurke be involved? Just cut him out, send Franziska and Lang in with a team of guys and kick the shit out of the enemy

B) You don’t need to conceal someone on a charter jet. You chartered it. You can do whatever the fuck you want with it. Besides, Dhurke got into the country p easily, he can get out the same way.

C) Dhurke is a criminal. Depending on what he’s done as a rebel, he could be as guilty in your country as his home country. Why are you acting like he’s innocent? Aren't you kind of by-the-book?

-

oh yeah and despite the fact that they’ve updated Phoenix’s sprite, Miles still looks like a frozen plank of wood. Thanks :\

-

Apollo: Sorry Trucy, guess you have to hold all the unnecessary evidence and hold down the fort and be LEFT BEHIND FOR A CHANGE AAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

-

oh. this is a really nice garden.

the drama theme is kinda harshing the mellow tho

-

o hai rayfa

-

um. what the fuck. that mask must make it pretty difficult to do shit pal

-

Garan, whilst ordering her henchmen online: drama queen or king preferred 

-

UR DIARRHOEA, GAH-RAHN

cool theme, love the use of the royal “we”. 

-

“what about those guards over there”

“ohh, just prepared to fuck shit u–– iii mean help you haha.”

-

yeahhh... I'm not buying her super calm “my husband is a kidnapper” attitude. 

-

UIGSFILGFLIS DHURKE YOU FUCKING MORON

god he’s such a useless piece of shit. unless he’s trying to get taken so that he can be taken to... idk, wherever Maya is held in some sort of Gambit, he’s a real moron for just up and outing himself like that.

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BAAAAARBED HEAD. YOU HAVE SOME SPLAAAAAAAAININ TO DOOOO

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man why do they even give us other options if we can’t use them???

-

“Dhurke... I sure hope he’s alright”

hey apollo wanna hear a secret

i dont 

-

Phoenix externally: Patience, Apollo, patience.

Phoenix internally: we are so screwed at any moment the queen could be all “OFF WITH YOUR HEAD” and i’ll never see trucy or maya again jesus holy mother buddha help me

-

i love that Garananana is kinda just chilling with them. You got more important shit to do, queenie. like being evil 

also open your goddamn mouth once in a while, sheesh

-

Apollo: I hope no one gets hurt

The entire series of ace attorney as a whole: oh honey

-

wait ... INGA HAD A RATTAIL?!

-

ohhh yesss listen to those punches

why couldn’t they have animated it too ;w;

-

phew. im glad Maya’s ok. 

-

yeesh... poor Rayfa.

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i love that even apollo’s like “fuck dad, you didn't kill him, did you?????”

its a beautiful contrast to how adamant he was about Trucy not killing Manov. 

-

um, soundtrack, now is not the time for Grand Revival. I know Edgeworth is on screen but the shit he’s saying is far, far from uplifting.

-

“it seems prosecutor sahdmadhi has grown quite fond of her”

nooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

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“they’ve almost become a team of sorts”

ok so mark Ema down on the list of AJ characters who will never be seen again after this game.

fuck man i’d even take Klema over this 

-

can you imagine if they'd split up Apollo/Phoenix  Edgeworth/Athena instead

i really wonder how Athena and Edgeworth would interact. Athena’s spunky enough to be a bit like Kay I suppose, so maybe similar to that.

-

again, Kooraheen’s detention centre theme is really quite pretty

too bad i have to look at Dhurke’s face while listening to it

-

...a tasty... hash house

i

oh apollo’s up for that

well tbh if i was him i could use some hash after all this shit

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yEAH YOU TELL’IM APOLLO

SMARTEN THAT BASTARD UP

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god apollo he’s not worth it. i’d say leave the fucker to his fate but i guess it is important to find the real killer... sigh

-

apparently queen Amara liked insensitive fuckbags with masculinity issues

oh well. to each their own.

-

>:( don’t compare Dhurke’s story to Phoenix’s, Apollo 

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“you ran?! but why?!!”

oh i dunno, athena, maybe the fucking death penalty?????

-

hang the fuck on

are you telling me that Dhurke started making trips to his shitty abandoned law office via sewer... while Apollo was still with him?!

Like what fucking reason would he have to drag him down there?! The place is an archive/resistance base, but Apollo and Sadmad lived in the mountains as children; why the fuck would he take his /kids/ into town at the risk of having them all arrested at once?!

WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM, DHURKE

-

that orb better be a fucking laser or some shit cause I'm really tired of hearing about it 

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oh......... hi sadmad..................... what a pleasure to see you........... again................

just as fucking pleasant as ever

-

i love that Dhurke is like “what happened to fighting the man, son??”

like even if he is a double agent he can’t very well just be like “psst I'm still on your side!!!!” in front of the fucking guard 

i hate that dhurke’s face is so placid during this too.

“Son, why did you betray me? Also how was the sports game?”

-

“The Nahyuta you knew exists no more”

yeah sure sadblackworth, whatever you say

-

oh well that was abrupt 

meh, onwards to the tomb

-

“No, that’s the holy mother. She’s the one who brought spirit channeling to Khura’in”

oh so you mean Ami Fey.

-

oh ema... i’ll miss you while youre off being Sadmad’s lapdog 

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“You mean His Ephemeral Holiness?”

Yes, Ema, fight it!!! Fight it!!!!!!

“But when he manages a smile and compliments my work, it’s hard to say no.”

...nuts. 

-

wait what do you mean the defendant is someone you know

you met Dhurke like once a day ago 

-

aw apollo took the locked-room-mystery words right out of my mouth. i love him so. why are they going to take him away?

-

 alrihgt back to this shit after like a 3 month hiatus or something 

-

i love how chill everyone is talking about Maya’s kidnapping 

“oh yeah he brought her here to the tomb so nobody would see. sensible thing to do. oh also maya almost died but i guess that’s nbd”

-

casually opens a tomb

casually opens the sarcophagus hangings  

casually tries to open the sarcophagus when told there’s a mummy inside

apollo, you're contracting douche-itis from everyone else. this old family of yours is a bad influence.

-

...we’re gonna yeet this sarcophagus arent we 

-

i love that Amara’s just kinda. depicted standing there as she’s burned to death. i mean i guess theyre trying to preserve her beauty and dignity in death but it also makes her look like an idiot who didnt try to escape the flames. 

ooh i like that last one though

-

pff thats a pretty well-equipped corpse line

-

“Where’d the other three bullets go?”

“Maybe Dhurke ate them?”

if he did they'd better have a VERY good explanation 

-

“the poor guy”

EMA

HE WAS HOLDING MAYA HOSTAGE

-

“the cuffs of justice”

love it

-

“just one of those traditions people do and they dont know the reason why”

“like rolling up your sleeves?”

“or your psychology, if we’re going there” HE FUCKING WENT THERE

OOOOOOOOOOO I LOVE YOU APOLLO

-

“he said grape juice has something in it that helps you relax”

are we going into grape juice lore here

"Really? ...Um, are you sure he was talking about regular, plain old grape juice?”

Yes, actually, Athena. It’s canonical that it is /actual off-the-vine welsh’s good ol’ sippy cup grape juice/. It’s not a metaphor or a censoring for kids, it’s just juice.

Of course, this is written by the DDSOJ staff. And considering the intense, dark n’ gritty action makeover the series got, I wouldn’t put it past them to retcon the juice into the... “fermented variety”. thanks Athena.

Yayyy not only do they write shitty dads, but they have to retroactively en-shitten Phoenix as an alcoholic father. Gosh, I sure do love these guys.

(obviously this isn’t a dig at anyone who head canons gj as wine, there’s a difference between head canons and malicious retconning.)

-

hmm interesting mechanic for this chair. i guess since you can’t stuff it in your inventory you cant do the ‘look all over’ thing. but on the other hand, they REALLY wanted to impress you with that hidden blood.

-

Ema: [performs a blood test in 2 seconds] I didn’t get a match!

Well probably not in that time, babe

i have to commend them on the little cutscene though that was nice. 

-

again, i guess Amara really liked emotionally stunted fuckwads

the devil horns are a bit much, though.

-

oh damn.

thats a nice ass pendant 

...oh thats blood

well, it sets off the pink and gold quite nicely. and its a butterfly... seems like something Dahlia would wear

-

“speak of the devil...”

speak of the devil indeed. hiiiiiii sadmad... its been a while.

-

oh ok he didnt say anything 

also i find it funny that apollos like “Wait!! wait!! damnit, after him!”

and then you just. go back into the talk menu with Ema. bit of a moment killer, there.

-

“why does everything have to be so difficult with you?”

cause hes a prosecutor, apollo. thats just how it is on this bitch of an earth 

-

“the law is the law. placing personal feelings above it is beyond reprieve”

ah but placing religion above it is totally fine. gotcha yuts

-

“And the winner is... prosecutor Sahdmadi!”

helpful, athena

-

“it’s like he’s trying to cover something up with his pretty words!”

oh did you mean the inevitable reveal that he's actually a good guy and we have to forgive him for being a shitwad? 

-

oh wow. that joke post about sadmad developing generalized anxiety was actually based on a legit thing that happened 

is it ok if i hate him even more for it? i mean how did he figure it out? he didn’t let apollo use it in court so where would he have gained the knowledge? unless he knows about Thalassa’s abilities...

...also, how /is/ he doing this? the way Perceive works isn’t just “i can sense that you’re uncomfortable”, it’s that people who can use it have extremely good eye-sight and see tiny little movements in other people. If they’re smart about it, they can tell that the movements mean the enemy is lying. Apollo just happens to get tense when he notices this, most likely because he’s kind of straining his eyes.

But then again that brings up the fact that his power would act up CONSTANTLY, either because EVERYBODY FIDGETS, or Apollo himself could just be stressed and making the bracelet squeeze on its own.

So thanks, SOJ. Not content with ruining Apollo’s canon, you’ve also got to ruin his cool lawyer power. Gosh, you’re just the gift that keeps on giving, aren’t you? 

-

“Powerless in the face of the Holy Mother’s blessings”

SOJ team is now nicknamed the Holy Mother. Or possibly the Unholy Mother.

-

“Looks like your power won’t work against Sadmadhi. Guess we’ll have to try something else.”

“Yeah, let’s ask Dhurke...”

Yeah. Because you obviously don’t have someone with you RIGHT NOW who ALSo has a special power. You dont even have TWO POEPLE with you with a special power. Guess we’d better talk to the man who birthed this shiteater.

-

“I won against Mr. Wright”

yeah in a completely rigged trial where losing would be the worst option. thats not really something to brag about, you know.

-

“...doomed to be reborn as something lower than a bug or a vegetable”

you heard it here first folks Sadmad hates sustaining agriculture and the bees.

-

>Lang’s scrolls and dickfuckery

>Edgeworth’s by-the-bookishness

>Franziska’s catchphrase

>Blackquill’s backstory twist

These were the ingredients chosen to make the perfect prosecutor. But the SOJ writers accidentally added an extra ingredient to the concoction: BAD WRITING 

THUS UNINSPIRED ASSHOLE WAS BORN!

-

apollo you don’t matter to anyone anymore youre getting the boot. do as your foster pop said when you were a drowning 5 y/o and suck those pussy baby tears back into your skull.

-

welp thats it for part one of investigation day 2. now (i think) we’re headed over to the delicious pandering of Phoenix and Edgeworth, back together. Will it bring me solace despite being an obvious ratings grab?

good god, i hope so.

till next time.

[canna-n-chill-blog]

💨canna.n.chill reviews💨

Show - American Horror Story: Apocalypse

Episode - AHS: S08, E10 (The finale! 😱)

💚

What’s in my bowl - Seatown Lemon Haze by Western Cultured. It’s a cross between Lemon Skunk and Super Silver Haze. Terpenes like terpinolene (found in citrus, all spice) and pinene (think pine trees 🌲 ) turned every hit into Xmas morning, packed full of energizing aromas and taste. Basically, I had my wits about me while I was dodging Michael and the toxic wasteland but if things happened to go south, the euphoria had me like 🤷🏿‍♀️

(If you have no idea what the eff I’m talking about when I say ‘terpenes’, don’t fret—my next scheduled post is all about the wonderful world of #terps!).

💚

Obvs, SPOILERS AHEAD!

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Real talk: I’ve been hella underwhelmed by AHS: Apocalypse.

And that says a lot since I rolled my eyes through most of AHS: Cult b/c of my strict ‘no clowns’ policy. I mean, really...what is scary about —> 🤡

It pains me to even say the words ‘underwhelmed’ and ‘AHS’ in the same breath, considering the fact that:

A: I’m a horror fanatic, and classic AHS is one of my go-to’s when I want to throw on #netflix and just chill, type up a project, escape for a bit

B: Ryan Murphy can (generally) do no wrong.

C: Sarah Paulson can do no wrong, period.

D: It features crossovers with two of my favorite seasons. AHS: Murder House is the best American Horror Story season of all time. Come at me. 😜 And, slavery flashbacks aside, AHS: Coven was pretty epic as well. If people are getting their witch on, I’m signing up and showing up with bells and whistles on. #slytherinforever 🐍

.

Reflecting on this season’s high points for me, I loved checking in with Constance and getting a little update on some of the ghostly inhabitants in Murder House. Thank God Moira finally got to escape. Sleeping with somebody else’s man is certainly frowned upon, but def not worth an eternity in purgatory cleaning up other people’s messes.

.

Alllll of that aside...

.

The ‘big bad’ this season has legendy hair, but! He’s not remotely terrifying or intimidating. He’s the Antichrist. The Antichrist. That title alone is supposed to make the damn ground tremble. And I’m just like 😴.

That being said, one of my favorite moments this season was when Michael faced off with the new Supreme, Mallory (I’m not a fan of my girl SP being killed off so this other chick can rise, but all good things must come to an end). We got this tasty tease, Antichrist vs Supreme-in-Training earlier in the season, and I assumed the finale would contain an epic showdown. Good vs. evil. Or that’s what I’m hoping for anyway, since I was over all the bunker shenanigans before AHS: S08, E01 even rolled the credits.

📺

So, did all the hype, crossovers, and flashbacks pay off?🤞🏿🙏🏿

📺

Yes! The awkward pacing during the first few episodes and whiplash from the flashbacks all came together in a quirky, the-future-is-female witchfest.

👍🏿: Marie Laveau!!! I love me some Adina Porter, but Angela Basset is basically the OG Voodoo Queen. Cordelia’s ‘We are legion’ speech to Michael. Mallory running over teen Antichrist (totally got some Jeepers Creepers vibes from that scene!). The world basically didn’t end...

👎🏿: ...Or maybe it’s inevitable? That rando couple from the bunker that I never really cared about (Murphy hasn’t hit the whole ‘young love’ chemistry out of the park since TatexViolet) still cross paths, this time at a campus protest. They have a baby within a year of dating, move into a swanky ass house (clearly, someone works in tech 😜). This time, with crows circling their house and the sky looking pretty ominous above, their baby is the one that axes the sitter. And the Satanists arrive just in time to save/end the day. So I guess the world is fucked, no matter what. I thought the whole scary part about the Antichrist was the fact that you have to be born of human and spirit world? I guess any old body can be the Antichrist? While I’m a sucker for endings where the good guys don’t win, this one didn’t have the bang that was clearly intended.

Did you watch the finale? What did you think?

📷: FX

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Disclaimer: Marijuana has intoxication effects and may be habit-forming. Marijuana can impair concentration, coordination and judgement. Do not operate motor vehicles or machinery under the influence of this drugs. There are many health risks associated with the consumption of this product. Marijuana products are for use by adults 21 years of age and older. Keep out of reach of children.

This post is not sponsored and nothing is for sale. All views and opinions expressed here are my own. 💚