#no pressure of potential rejection but I’ll still get to do something haha

[pizzaqueen]

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[ri-ahhh]

hi can you write about spending a valentine’s day with gray pls?

valentine’s day smut w/ gray? + more haha sorry couldn’t put them all in

A/N: I’m sorry this is a day late. It was supposed to be 90% smut but somehow it took on a mind of its own and turned into this monster.

warnings: smut, extremely cheesy, way too long

***

It should be a given understanding that Valentine’s Day is the dumbest, most antiquated, overrated holiday that’s ever existed. That had always been your take on it, even as a little kid — the worry of spelling your classmates’ names correctly on cards imprinted with cheesy Scooby Doo and Spongebob puns; the expectation to dress up nice in the hopes you would get asked to be someone’s Valentine in the hallways of middle school; the potential embarrassment of being the only person in class who didn’t get bought one of those stupid roses from a ‘secret admirer’ in high school.

There’s simply too much pressure surrounding the idea of professing your love or even your mere fondness for anyone and everyone in your life. The fear of rejection if you do, and the judgement if you don’t. It had always made you anxious, whether you had someone to share the day with or not.

But this Valentine’s Day, as a young twenty-something, you were actually (secretly) looking forward to it. Conner was your first adult relationship, with the title of ‘boyfriend’ and ‘girlfriend’ and labels and commitment. He’s cute and smart and charming and yours. So, sue you if you were quietly anticipating wearing that SavageXFenty set beneath a brand new dress while you went to dinner after being greeted at the door with roses and a box of chocolates.

And yet here you are, on February 14th, hood of your sweater drawn over your head as you rummage through your freezer with a clear target in your mind. Your eyes are blurry and swollen, but you find the pint of birthday cake Nada Moo with ease, and you slam the freezer door closed a little harder than you really mean to as soon as it’s in your grasp.

You’ve just popped the lid off when your phone buzzes on the kitchen counter where you’ve plopped down to eat your depression snack in a more acceptable place than your bed or the couch.

You see Grayson’s name accompanied by a goofy, up-close picture of him smiling filling the screen, and hesitate. He’s one of your best friends, and clearly done nothing wrong, but you’re not sure you’re capable of handling anyone of the male species right now after...everything.

At the end of the day, though, it’s Grayson. He knows heartbreak almost better than anyone, and you’ve coached him through it on more than one occasion. Maybe he can spew back some of your own advice if it comes to that.

You swipe the bar at the bottom of the screen, and your ceiling suddenly replaces the image of his silly, handsome face. “Sup?”

“Yo. Am I interrupting anything? Sorry, just remembered what day it is.”

You swallow. “Uh no, you’re not.”

“What’s wrong?”

You bite your lip hard, digging your spoon into the softened ice cream. Was it that obvious just from your voice that you had been upset? Or does he just know you that well?

“Nothing.”

“You sound like you’ve been crying.”

“I’m fine.”

“Don’t lie. Let me see your face.”

There’s a beat of silence, and you concede. “No. I’ve been crying.”

He’s quiet, and you can’t bring yourself to look at his own face in the corner of the screen. You shove the chunk of ice cream past your lips, and after a moment he says with a softer tone, “Crying on Valentine’s Day is never a good sign.”

You’re glad that you’ve gotten so much of your tears out already, because you feel the inevitable prickle behind your eyes that would have been full-blown waterworks a few hours ago. You scoop another bite. “Conner cheated on me — has been, cheating on me. I found out last night.”

Grayson sighs your name, and something about the genuine sympathy in his voice makes you even more emotional. “Fuck. I’m so sorry. What a piece of shit.”

You shrug even though he can’t see, and sniffle past the lump in your throat. “It’s whatever. I’m still in shock more than anything. Hurts like hell, though, still. I let him have it when I saw the texts and he hasn’t tried to call me once. No texts. Nothing.”

He’s silent, but it’s that raging silence you know oh so well from him. It doesn’t happen often, but anyone who knows Grayson Dolan knows that when his volume comes down, he means business. A loud and obnoxious Grayson is a happy one, but a brooding and quiet one means serious business.

“Do you want me to go beat his ass? I’ll do it.”

A smile cracks your scowl before you know it, and you shake your head. “No thanks, Gray. As much as I’d love to see that happen, I like your face the way it is. And not on a mugshot.”

He chuckles a little, and you feel your chest lift some just hearing the familiar depth of it. “Well, do you at least want me to come over later? I totally get if you need to be alone, but I know from experience sometimes what helps the most is having good friends around.”

You’re a little surprised. “You don’t have a date?”

“Nope.”

“No one from the roster hitting you up?”

“I don’t have a roster,” he argues playfully, but you both know that’s a lie, if not at least a stretch of the truth. “And even if I did, you’re more important. Always.”

You sigh and take another bite. His words make your neck tingle and your toes wiggle, but you ignore it; your brain is full of confusion as it is. “That makes one man in my life who thinks so, I guess.”

You finally prop your phone up against the fruit basket sitting in the middle of your bar so he can see you. Grayson takes in your image, which admittedly must look kind of pathetic, and you watch his jaw clench and release in a way that you can’t deny is utterly sexy.

“Is an hour okay? Tell Vanessa to come, too.”

“Benito took her to Tulum for the weekend,” you say, referring to your best friend and her boyfriend. “She did threaten to get on a plane and come home early for me, though.”

Grayson grins crookedly, but his jaw is still tight. “Well, tell her you’re in good hands. See you in an hour?”

You give it one last quick consideration; you already feel this much better just talking to him on the phone. Nothing bad could come from him being in your apartment, and you trust him. “Yeah, that’s fine. But just so you know, I’m already at the stage of eating ice cream at 10:30 AM.”

“Did you forget you’re talking to the emotional ice cream eating champion? No judgement here.”

You finally let out a giggle, your spirits officially lifted. “I’ll see you soon.”

**

True to his word, Grayson arrives at your door about an hour later, his arms laden with milkshakes from Monty’s, a gift bag decorated all over with sparkly hearts, and a gorgeous bouquet of flowers.

You’re stunned. The only thing you’d managed to do in the time it took him to get here was take a quick shower in attempts to rid your face of some of the puffiness, throw on some shorts this time with a fresh hoodie, and toss the used tissues scattered around your place into the garbage.

Before you can say anything, he holds out the flowers. “They were out of roses. But I know you like pink.”

You reach out for them slowly, eyes wide, your fingers brushing his when you grasp the plastic wrapping. His cheeks are a similar color to the petals, and it makes both your heart and your lips smile.

“Peonies are my favorite,” you say truthfully. “And yes, especially pink ones. Thank you, Gray.”

“You’re welcome,” he says, sounding relieved.

As he crosses the threshold of your door, he leans down to kiss your cheek, and you can’t help but hum quietly and pull him in for a hug. “That gift better not be for me, either,” you mumble into his chest.

Grayson pulls back, his eyes sparkling, but keeps you close with an arm wrapped loosely around your shoulders. “Oh, this? No, this is for my other best friend I’m trying to cheer up on Valentine’s Day.”

You slap his arm playfully, and lead him into your kitchen, pulling out a vase from the cabinet beneath your sink for the flowers.

The bag has a few gifts in it: a new Comfy (“I remembered you ruined yours when that ketchup bottle exploded all over you the other day”); a huge bag of watermelon sour patch kids (“I know they’re your favorite. Also ice cream gives you brain freeze after the first pint or so, trust me”); and a heart shaped box of your favorite chocolates (“you can eat them or burn them, I wasn’t sure which you’d appreciate more but either is fine with me.”)

You appreciated all of it, more than he would ever understand. All you can do is fling yourself at him weakly, completely overwhelmed. “Fuck you, you’re gonna make me cry all over again.”

Grayson envelops you in those huge, muscular arms, cooing behind that laugh you love so much. “Is that a really backwards way of saying thank you?”

You grunt in affirmation, and with you still wrapped up in his arms, he starts waddling the two of you back the short distance into your living room.

“Here,” he says, coaxing you down into the blanket nest you had created on the couch. “You chill and find a movie. I’ll make popcorn.”

You do, and he does, and the next few hours are spent lounging about in your apartment. Having him here with you is doing wonders from keeping your mind from going down the paths you’d been spiraling towards ever since you saw the messages between Conner and no less than four other girls on Snapchat. You don’t believe in snooping, but finding the first one had been an accident when he received the snap while you had his phone, and your finger happened to press the icon at just the right moment. 

In your eyes, though, the image of one pair of tits that weren’t your own was enough justification to see what else you could find. 

“I hate to admit it, but I’m kind of relieved,” you told Grayson a while later, Shrek playing on the TV quietly. He’s sitting next to you, far enough apart for there to be couch space between the two of you, but close enough to share the oversized blanket thrown over your laps. “Obviously what he did is so fucking shitty and I’m not justifying it in any way, but I can be honest with myself now and realize I wasn’t in that relationship for the right reasons. There wasn’t anything there emotionally at the end of the day.”

“You still have every right to feel hurt by what he did, though. It’s a huge violation of trust,” Grayson assures, reaching out and squeezing your hand gently.  

You squeeze back and grimace at him. “Yeah.” You let out a little mirthless laugh and shake your head, heat flooding your cheeks. “It’s so embarrassing, too. And finding out the day before Valentine’s, no less. Like, I just wanted to look cute, have a nice dinner, have some nice sex, and just... I don’t know. Have an actual Valentine’s day for once. No pressure or anxiety or anything.”

Grayson stares at you in that way he does — so intense and almost intimidating if there wasn’t a genuine warmth behind it. You’re suddenly aware of his thumb brushing the back of your hand slowly. He squeezes your fingers again. 

“So, let’s do it, then. You and me.”

You arch a brow at him, smiling at the rosiness in his cheeks when he realizes what he might have implied. “The dinner part, I mean. And the dressing up. Even though I think you look plenty cute right now.”

You roll your eyes, but for the countless time that day, your heart flutters happily. Looking back, you can’t remember the last time Conner had complimented your appearance, let alone after hours of crying and lazing around in sweats, sugar crystals stuck to the corner of your lip. 

“That would be great, except there’s no way we’re getting into any restaurant at this point,” you remind him. “Probably no delivery, either.”

“I’ll cook for you,” he counters, throwing the blanket off his legs and standing up with a groan. He stops to stretch, and the way his arms go over his head makes his shirt ride up at the bottom, exposing a chunk of hard muscles and golden skin. 

You swallow, eyes trailing up the rest of his torso appreciatively. “I don’t have much.”

He’s already rummaging through your pantry, though, and pulls out a half-full box of pasta, a jar of marinara sauce, and a leftover chunk of sourdough bread. “You got salad stuff?”

You nod, and he opens the fridge to find some lettuce, peppers, and other salad fixings before setting them with the pasta ingredients on the counter. “Go get dressed, look as cute or not cute as you want. I’ll take care of this.”

He’s absolutely unreal. “Gray-”

Grayson holds up his hand. “Ah, no, I’m doing this. You deserve it. Also, I’m hungry. It’s a win-win.”

Your stomach growls as well, and that’s all the convincing you need. While he gets busy in the kitchen, you tidy up the living area some before heading to your room. You feel a little silly, making your third outfit change of the day, but you also like the giddiness in the pit of your belly at the thought of Grayson doing all of this for you. You might as well take advantage of having someone like him in your life. Show him some Valentine’s appreciation of your own.

You forgo the slinky red number you had planned to wear to the restaurant with Conner, and opt instead for a rather unsuspecting blouse-jeans combo, which happen to both respectively frame your tits and ass perfectly.

The lacy, bright pink set in the back of your closet might have made it beneath your clothes, though. The prettiness of it made you feel that much better, even if no one else was going to see it.

Maybe.

Padding back into your kitchen after running a flat iron through your hair and throwing on some concealer, mascara, and lip gloss, you find Grayson draining the pasta into a colander in the sink. 

Grayson does a double-take when he sees you standing there admiring the flex of his bicep as he holds the pot. “Hey! You look amazing.”

“If you say so,” you joke, bumping his hip with yours as. You pass him to pull plates and bowls out of the cabinet.

“I do,” he insists quietly.

Arm outstretched mid-reach, you look over at him, locking eyes with his hazel ones. He looks a little surprised by the words that left his mouth, like he meant for them to stay inside his head. There must be some kind of challenge in your gaze, daring him to elaborate.

He busies himself with the pasta again hastily, his voice low. “Conner is a fucking idiot. To do that to you. To let you go. You don’t deserve that. Especially not today.”

Plates in hand, you rest them gently on the counter with your lower lip caught between your teeth, and peer over at this handsome man you’re so proud and lucky to call your best friend. He’s everything you thought Conner was — cute and smart and charming — but so much more — beautiful and good and kind.

And he’s been right here in front of you the whole time.

You reach out and touch his elbow softly. The hairs on his forearm are crisp but soft, and you follow them down to that gleaming watch on his wrist.

“You know,” you start quietly, fingers tracing the links of the band before flipping his hand over to trace the lines of his palm, “you keep talking about what I deserve today. But you deserve all that and more. You deserve someone’s love that matches your own.”

He watches your delicate fingers on his large, calloused palm, then trails his eyes up to yours when he feels their attention on his face. A piece of hair flops into his eyes, and you reach up without thinking or any hesitation to push it away again with a little smile playing on your glossy lips.

You look down and lay your palm flat against his, admiring the difference in size between your hands for a moment before interlocking your fingers with his.

“I love you.”

Your eyes flit up to his in surprise; he beat you to the words.

“In case that wasn’t obvious,” Grayson continues, turning towards you. “And I hope that’s not too much for you to handle, with everything you’ve had hap-”

“I love you too, Gray,” you interrupt, stepping that much closer to him so you’re nearly chest-to-chest with him.

“Yeah?” He sounds almost boyish in his astonishment, and it makes you want to hold him tight and never let go.

“Yeah,” you giggle. “A lot. I’m sorry it took me getting dumped to realize it.”

He shakes his head, his hand resting on your cheek gently. “Can I kiss you?”

You nod once before he’s swiftly ducking down to claim your lips with his. They’re soft and pliable, and you feel their effects from the nerves in your scalp all the way down to your bare toes.

“Grayson,” you breathe, lashes fluttering open as he pulls back just enough to look at you concernedly.

You smile, bigger and brighter than you have all day, and cup his stubbled cheeks with your hands, scratching your nails gently against his jaw. “I just wanted to say your name.”

Grayson grins now, too. He kisses you more insistently now that he’s got the taste of you on his tongue, which he flicks against the underside of your top lip as he breaks the kiss. “Say it again.”

“Make me,” you challenege, voice breathy and excited, eyes closed as you savor his sweet breath against your lips. “In my room.” You feel him tense up a bit, and you open your eyes to meet his questioning gaze, biting back a smile at the inevitable hope also shining there. “I’m sure.”

With that, Grayson hauls you up into his arms, and you wrap your legs around his waist with a squeal as he buries his face into your neck. He starts making the way to your bedroom, cooked food left long forgotten in the kitchen behind you.

“Are you wearing my signature scent?” he asks, inhaling your skin deeply.

“Mmhm,” you hum, threading your fingers through the back of his thick hair. It’s so long again, and you give the dark strands a sharp tug that makes him grunt. “Part one of my gift to you. Since you got so many for me today.”

“Part one, huh?” he says, crossing the threshold of your room. “What’s part two?”

“What I’m wearing underneath this,” you whisper in his ear, giggling loudly when he lies you down on the bed with more of a toss than he might have intended. “If you want it, that is.”

He looks at you like you’ve lost your mind at the mere suggestion that he wouldn’t, and you take that as enough encouragement to tug at the bow tying your forest green silk wrap blouse together.

The folds part open and expose your chest, clad in that pink lace demi-cup bra with the cage detailing over the tops of your breasts. Grayson moans and dips down to nuzzle your cleavage, breathing in the scent of your warm skin. His hands trail up your sides, from your hips to your rib cage, until they settle in the dips of your waist. His touch ignites you, makes your back arch and your hips grind up against his thigh between your legs, just from the sensation of his hands on these new parts of your body.

“Grayson,” you sigh, and he smirks up at you with his chin on your tits when he realizes that’s all it took for you to say his name again.

You grab his cheeks and kiss that smugness away, shifting your legs so they’re wrapped around his waist once again, pushing down on the small of his back to get your centers to meet.

Both of you gasp into each other’s mouths when his erection rubs against your pussy, even through all the layers of clothing still on your bodies. You reach down blindly, still attacking his mouth with yours, and feel around for his belt.

His pants come off, followed by yours, and he sits you up enough to push your blouse off your shoulders rather gently considering the intensity of everything. Once the garment is tossed over his shoulder, you’re down to nothing but that pretty lingerie and he in his boxer briefs.

There’s a moment of pause and clarity for the two of you, staring into one another’s eyes as the reality hits of what you’re about to do. What it means to both of you. Grayson stares down at you, and places a hand over your rapidly thumping heart.

“Beautiful,” he says quietly, dragging his hand up your chest, over your throat, until he’s cupping you’re cheek and stroking your lip with his thumb.

You smile in return, then part your lips with your eyes locked on his, encouraging him silently to slip that digit in your mouth.

Grayson’s eyes darken, and he offers you his pointer finger instead, swallowing hard when you suck and swirl your soft, wet tongue around it.

Suddenly, he’s rolling the two of you over, switching positions so he’s on his back and you straddle him. You smile happily, taking your turn to duck down and attach your lips to the pulse point his neck, grinding down on his cock with a slow, steady rhythm.

“You’re so amazing, Gray,” you tell him, nipping at the lobe of his ear before kissing the underside of his chin. “Can’t believe you’re all mine now.”

“Can’t believe you’re mine,” he growls back, cursing when you trail your kisses down the center of his body, giving each one of those moon’s their own special attention before continuing down.

When you get to the waistband of his underwear, you trail your tongue on the edge of the elastic and watch his abs contract with each shaky breath he takes. One little move of your hands, and you’ll finally get to see what he’s really packing.

But before you can even hook your fingers there to pull down, he’s tugging on your hair. “Fuck, fuck, c’mere. Please.”

You pout, but follow his lead, licking back up his muscular torso until he’s able to drag you to him for a deep, wet kiss.

“Sit on my face,” he demands, shuffling down on the pillow to make more room for you.

That takes you off guard. “But—”

“Do it. Please. I fucking have to taste you.”

Your body must be working ahead of your brain, because before you know it, you’re straddling Grayson’s face, his tongue is sweeping through the wetness in your slit, and his dark eyes are peering up at you from between your thighs.

“Oh... oh!” you cry out when his tongue starts flicking against your clit. He goes back to swiping up all your arousal, then suctions his lips around your clit. He’s using one hand to hold the lace of your thong aside, and the other dips first one finger, then two inside of you. “Oh, fuck, that’s so good...”

Grayson moans, the vibrations erupting around your clit and sending you right to the edge already. You reach back and palm his cock, rock hard in his underwear still, and squeeze as he makes you cum all over his mouth.

He gets his fill of your cum as he groans and keeps up the motion of his fingers, the pressure of his lips, the softness of his tongue as your pussy pulses with each contraction of your orgasm. You wait for him to start letting up, but something about the way he’s working you just makes those waves stay steady rather than die down again. Maybe that’s his intention, because when you drop your head down to look at him with your mouth wet and agape, there’s a sparkling mischief in his eyes has he eats you out like his last meal.

Your hips grind against his face of their own accord, and you delve one hand in his hair while the other supports you on the headboard. You gasp out a quivering, breathless laugh as it all becomes just too much, and you try to lift off his mouth.

Grayson isn’t having it, though. He wraps his arms around your thighs and holds you down, reveling in the moans and whimpers and squeals as he makes you cum again.

“Oh my god — enough, enough, I can’t...” you whine, shoving on his forehead until he releases you and drops his head to the pillow. You could already see it by the crinkles in the corners of his eyes, but he’s smirking wide, chest heaving as you slink your way down his body.

You collapse next to him in a daze, and he rolls on top of you smoothly, peppering little kisses to your cheeks, your jaw, your nose. When you’re back in your right mind, you nudge blindly at his face so his lips find yours. He tastes like your pussy, and you sigh happily as you lift your heavy arms to wrap around his neck while his scoop beneath you, holding you close.

You continue to indulge in each other for a while, in the kisses you hadn’t been allowed to share until now. There’s something exciting about his familiarity and yet also this strange newness that has you absolutely desperate for him in every way.

“This is crazy,” you say when you pull back for air, studying his face hovering right above yours. You push back that stubborn chunk of hair that keeps falling into his eyes with a soft smile. “How did we end up here?”

Grayson turns his head to press his lips to your palm. “I don’t know. Is it too much? Should we stop?”

You shake your head vehemently, and he grins. “No, please. I think I just have to grasp that you’re really... mine now.”

He chuckles. “How do you think I felt watching you with that loser for five months?”

The mention of Conner makes you feel nothing — nothing other than gratitude for Grayson, that is. You slide your hands down his back, over his ribs, across his abs until your hand cups his dick.

His hips thrust into your touch, and you grin up at him demurely as you finally delve your hand past his waistband until you’ve got his length completely in your grasp.

He’s hot and hard and thick, and you start stroking him just to gauge the reaction in his face. He doesn’t disappoint, his jaw gaping open slightly, his breaths picking up, a flush rising to the apples of his cheeks.

Without warning, he reaches down and grasps your wrist. You pout, but he asks hastily. “Are we gonna have sex?”

You smirk. “Hell yeah.”

Grayson grins and shakes his head. “Alright, then you gotta stop.”

“Already?” you tease, letting him sit back and hook his fingers in the tiny string of your thong at your hips.

He gives you a look as he pulls the scrap of lace down your legs, then stands to push down his own underwear. Your mouth waters at the sight of him, and you wish he’d let you blow him some before you hit the main event, but he says, “I’ve wanted you for too long to take any chances about screwing up the first time.”

You melt a little, reaching for him as he climbs back on the bed. “There should be some condoms in the drawer there. Just to be safe after... you know.”

He nods and dips down to kiss you before leaning over to riffle through the top drawer of your nightstand. He comes back with a purple square, which you take from him.

“Gotta practice an activity safely,” you wink, tearing open the condom and rolling it down his shaft quickly.

“Shut up.” Grayson rolls his eyes, but smiles softly as he settles between your legs just right. “I love you.”

“I love you,” you whisper, gasping as he starts to sink inside you.

“Oh, fuck,” he whimpers as your walls suck him in and grip him tight.

He goes slow for a couple of minutes, allowing both of you time to adjust to each other. He stretches you out so much better than anyone you’ve ever been with, and you can’t help but clench around him when you see those tattoos and smell his cologne and hear his voice — all things that remind you that this is Grayson fucking you.

He growls the first time you do it, then sits up hastily, pulling his face out of your neck when you do it again. He tucks his knees beneath him, sits on his heels, and hauls your hips into his lap as the speed of his thrusts picks up incrementally. Until he’s fucking you for real, and your tits bounce in your bra with every upstroke.

You shove an arm beneath your pillow, enunciating the curves of your body, and watch his expressions as he fights to hold back. His hair is disheveled, lip caught tight between his teeth and muffling his deep, satisfied sounds that mingle with your open higher-pitched ones. He catches your eye and his hands on your hips grip you so tight for a moment that you’re sure little bruises will be there in the morning — not that you mind.

“Fuck,” he whispers harshly before slowing his hips and shifting down to give you a deep, sloppy kiss. “Turn over.”

You moan into his mouth, then follow his order, rolling onto your front as soon as he pulls out. You expect him to haul your hips up into the air, but he moves your hair off your neck and trails sweet kisses from shoulder to shoulder, his hand sweeping down the subtle curve of your back until he’s gripping your ass.

Grayson’s hand moves down your thigh and pushes it up and out once he’s cupping the back of your knee. The angle encourages you to twist your upper half until you have sight of him once again in all his angled, sweaty, muscular glory.

“Fuck me, baby,” you beg him, already anticipating the fullness inside you again. Needing it.

“Want me to fuck you?” he asks needlessly, pushing into your pussy once again. You moan loudly, either in confirmation or from pure pleasure, it doesn’t matter. The angle is tighter, the tip of his dick hitting a spot so perfectly accurate inside of you that you can’t concentrate on anything other than how good he’s making you feel. “Yeah. So fucking sexy. So beautiful...”

“Gray.. oh fuck yes, right there,” you whimper, catching onto his arm as he leans over you and gives you those hard, steady strokes.

“Open your eyes, baby, lemme see them when you cum,” he growls out.

You open them as much as you can, your vision blurry, but you can still make out those handsome features soaking in the pleasure on your face. Watching and waiting for you to get yours so he can get his.

As soon as you’re clenching like a vice around him, Grayson is letting go into the condom. You can vaguely feel the throb of him as he cums in spurts, the sound of his masculine, drawn-out groans making you shiver and tense up even more on his dick. If it’s possible for anyone to sound as sexy as they look, Grayson achieves that in spades.

He collapses on the bed next to you, and you have just enough strength to roll over until he’s got you gathered in his arms. You nuzzle into his chest and try to process everything. You had been hoping for nice sex today, and instead you got the best sex of your life.

After a few minutes of comfortable silence while you both catch your breath, after he pulls and ties off the condom, you smile into his cooling skin with a satisfied sigh.

“Thank you for making this the best Valentine’s Day of my life. Especially after it was starting to look like the worst.”

“You made this the best day of my life, period,” he says, kissing your forehead. “Happy Valentine’s Day, sweetheart.”

“Happy Valentine’s Day, Gray.”

[fannishcodex]

Unpopular Opinion Maybe: Kipo had an Identity Crisis in S1

More and more I honestly get bothered when people are all like “ooh Kipo wasn’t affected by being a mega mute lab experiment due to her parents experimenting on her it’s so refreshing compared to other cartoons LOL” because it’s completely glossing over season 1 where Kipo absolutely freaked out over her body suddenly physically changing and suddenly looking like a mute for no apparent reason. Tad Mulholland gave her a dream that was largely about this, Wolf almost left her over this. Kipo was absolutely affected by this, it absolutely caused an identity/existential crisis for her, it absolutely freaked her out.

Kipo absolutely freaked out when her body started growing fur and exhibiting other extreme physical changes and showed indications she was somehow suddenly changing into a mute for no apparent reason. (This in no way indicates she ever harbored serious anti-mute feelings. This is literally about her body suddenly physically changing for no apparent reason.) So much of Tad Mulholland’s dream reflects her anxiety and yes, angst, about these sudden physical changes. Kipo’s allowed to get upset when her body suddenly starts physically changing and she has no idea why; and it’s happening on top of an already stressful situation where she’s separated from her father and the rest of her people in a world that’s still brand new to her and filled with as many dangers as wonders, etc. Kipo again has angst, or is reasonably upset over the whole thing when Wolf realizes she seems to be part mute and seemingly lied about it, and apparently rejects her for it; Kipo pours out her sadness and frustration and emotional turmoil to Jamack, who comforts her, and of course Jamack couldn’t comfort her if Kipo wasn’t upset or had angst and an identity crisis.

Kipo’s not automatically a cheerful sunflower all the time. She’s largely positive because she makes a concentrated effort to be (for example, Kipo does seem tired and ready to leave Jamack, but she decides to go back for him). Kipo’s an actual character with feelings and should be allowed to experience all emotions, even angst, because she should be allowed to get upset.

The only “refreshing,” actually different thing about this is the order--Kipo freaked out and had an identity crisis and angst when she got signs of an extreme change in her body before she learned the truth behind why this was happening.

I’d argue Kipo’s reaction is more about being so relieved to finally get some kind of answer for why her body’s been physically changing that she doesn’t try to challenge it too much, and that she’s also in denial about the gravity of the situation when she gets the revelation about what her parents did to her, and she also ends up pressured by time crunch/emergencies and just pushes her actual feelings over this aside because there’s no time. Kipo learns what her parents did to her, and then has a like a week to save her dad and her people before Scarlemagne’s coronation. Kipo really doesn’t have time to fully process the revelation; she has to focus more on using her mega mute jaguar powers for the practical use of saving her father and people, not actually take the time to really consider how she really feels about them and what her parents did to her.

And even when she’s just focused on practically using her mega mute jaguar powers, Kipo is in fact stressing and angsting over it. She may say she’s fine and express enthusiasm for her mega mute jaguar abilities and act impressed with what her parents did, but her mega mute jaguar abilities do adversely affect her whether she directly admits it or not. In the Deatherstalker episode, Kipo does show signs of the emotional pressure her mega mute status has put on her; with these mega mute powers, she has the power to help her dad and her people, so she keenly feels she has to, she feels responsible for this and probably feels that there’s no one else she can really turn to fully take this burden (of course she loves her dad and people and wants to protect them, and of course this is an all ages show with a number of kid protagonists, but still, she just turned 13, and lived a pretty normal, safe Burrow life until her home was attacked), and she stresses over suddenly being asked to successfully do a thing she’s never done before; Kipo gets super freaked out when her mega mute powers accidentally hurt Benson; and of course the Chevre Sisters have warned Kipo that she can lose her mind if she fully transforms, and much of the season is devoted to making sure that doesn’t happen. And later Kipo gets a concrete example of that threat when she learns her mother has been entirely absent in her life because she’s lost her mind to a mega mute transformation for 13 years and was also under Emilia’s control. (And while this probably needs its own post, to sum up: a lot of this is also again Song and Lio’s fault because of their experimenting, Song exposed herself to mutation, Emilia’s the worst but it doesn’t seem like she would weaponize Song if Song didn’t turn herself into a mega mute monkey susceptible to puppet pheromones torturously taken from Hugo.)

While it’s nice feeling like you’re seeing something new and refreshing, I feel like sometimes people fall into overly reactionary trends and don’t look at things on an individual basis or think of characters as their own individuals. Maybe people want to think it’s refreshing that Kipo’s not affected or not having angst over being a mute lab experiment due to her parents (but again, she has been affected by this) because they’re comparing this to other cartoons, but what about Kipo as a character herself and the show as its own story?

I also actually think the idea of Kipo getting upset over this makes more sense than many other cartoons and has much more impact, because her situation is actually really severe when you think about what the story’s done so far in terms of events.

I’ll probably do another separate “unpopular opinion” post on this, but to sum up: Lio and Song unnecessarily experimented on baby Kipo without her consent and pushed their own ambitions of “making the surface safe for humans” on her, also without her consent. It was canonically a dangerous experiment because they failed to realize Kipo could’ve lost her mind and been stuck as a mega mute, something that did happen to Song for 13 years; Song was accidentally mutated, and again the side effects were gravely underestimated because Song had a dramatic transformation where she not only lost her mind but destroyed the DNA Burrow, and Kipo could’ve been killed in that accidental rampage (and Hugo/Scarlemagne was literally scarred from it, he suffered literal physical damage from it--which also implies worse than injuries and physical scars could’ve happened).

I’ve read some people essentially say “well, not every cartoon has to get this emotional, it could just be cheerful,” and that just makes me think 1) then a cartoon should be written so that the more 24/7 cheerful tone fits, and 2) there are several cartoons you can already watch that don’t get so emotional. Just deal with the cartoons that do choose to be emotional, because cartoons can have a wide variety. 

And I don’t think KATAOW is the place to pull “oh haha she’s not affected by all this even though it’s super messed up because let’s be just different from others and not think about our own story and cast we’ve just gotta go against an apparent so-called trend without laying down the groundwork to actually support that reactionary rejection of an apparent so-called trend.”

And I do really hope and still think that on some level the show is actually gonna pull through and address this and do something really neat. Because while Kipo acts like she’s fine with what her parents did to her, again there was her severe freak-out in season 1 when faced with actual consequences of what they did and with no one to give her any explanation for what the hell was happening, and there are her struggles with her experimental mega mute jaguar side in season 2; and just as importantly, Wolf and Benson seem alarmed by what Lio and Song did. I think that’s critical. Even if Wolf and Benson aren’t explicit about it, it’s pretty clear that they look uncomfortable with what they learn from the Project Kipo notebook, even if they’re more focused on going along with Kipo’s cheer. I just feel like that will be followed up in season 3.

And it’s a 3-season show. Writers have said that they have told a complete story with the show over 3 seasons. I can imagine that in season 3 they’ll follow up on this in some way and better challenge what Lio and Song did and let Kipo finally freak out over what her parents did, as much as she freaked out by herself in season 1.

Because that also gets to me. As things stand now, Lio and Song have avoided the worst of the direct emotional fallout of what they did to Kipo. They did not get to see their daughter have a gradual meltdown over the sudden changes in her body, her confusion and emotional turmoil and fear that her friend-sister Wolf rejected her over the whole thing. Kipo’s only ever acted like “it’s fine” to them about it. And I find that really unfair, especially to Kipo. She should get to be upset, she should get to be upset with her parents and make them better realize the consequences of what they actually did to her. Lio and Song should also just deal with even more consequences. 

P.S. I also don’t really buy the half mute/half human as mixed race metaphor because it’s too deeply rooted in scientific experimentation on babies without any possible consent (and Kipo is already actually mixed race with a Black father and a Korean mother), and I have more thoughts on what it’s more about and its potential as a more unique story that’s specifically tied to the world of KATAOW, but I think that’s another post too.

[channelmono]

A lengthy, LENGTHY post on keeping yourself mentally safe AND politically active during this time of racial/political unrest

I wasn’t expecting the need to do another writeup again, but here we are, haha Taking this break day to discuss the NEW giant elephant in the room: the US has flared up in a gigantic racial conflict again after the high-profile death of another black American at the hands of the police. There’s no beating around the bush since everyone’s already talking about it, and if you haven’t heard about it til now (which hey, my analytics say some of you are pretty young, so I wouldn’t blame you), it’s been a greatly aggressive mess that everyone is feeling the pressure of getting involved in. Now, I usually don’t like getting publicly political, but that doesn’t mean that I as a creator am not a political person. Far from it; the moral matters of how people should be treated, what constitutes as “justice” and what to do when “injustice” is committed, are all very important subjects that we eventually learn to form our opinions on through life experience and interacting with the world, and will always remain relevant due to how we exist in the world under governments and cultures. It’s dishonest to say we have no belief in stuff like that, and ultimately unhelpful to deny our say in it. Politics are very important, and they matter. But I’m not here to get into a full filibuster about why you should support Black Lives Matter and be informed of the protests going on and what motivates them. The thing is that I trust all you lovely monitors and have the faith that we’re generally on board with at least adjacent beliefs in how the world should work -- the life of innocent people matters, racism and other forms of hatred are bad, killing people is bad, the misuse of authoritative power is unjust, etc. If someone asks me to explain in a multi-paragraph spiel why I believe people should believe these things since they think otherwise… I’ll kindly tell them “no”. Instead, similarly to my COVID-19 writeup, I just want to talk about some tips to help deal with the day-to-day of this ongoing conflict; not necessarily discuss politics in deep detail, but rather the handling of politics in your everyday life, especially during times of controversy. This is a VERY rough time for many people, online and off, and I think it’s as important to keep yourself healthy during this time of extreme tension as much as it is to stay strong regarding the conflict in which we are all in one way or another embroiled in. This writeup might be a little cluttered and clunky since many of these points are greatly interconnected, but just bear with me through this, and I hope the points I make will make sense in the end.

=========================== 1) JUSTICE IS THE BOTTOM LINE =========================== Let me establish something as clear as I possibly can right off the bat: The ultimate goal of rebellion (especially this one based in activism towards the better treatment of black lives) should not be to create stress to psychologically destroy everyone in the vicinity, but to inspire change for the better. The systemic allowing of authorities to misuse their power for hateful purposes should not merely be a seen as an excuse to get angry at the world, but an injustice that must be corrected, and the bottom line of protest is not merely agitation, but actual change. I feel like this should ultimately be pretty obvious for a lot of people, but because change is a very difficult thing in general and because the protests have provoked turbulent response, it’s very easy to lose sight of what we’re actually doing and why, especially for the young adults whose first exposure to complex and nuanced politics is through times like this. Make no mistake, at the end of the day, getting justice for George Floyd and the countless other African-Americans lost to police brutality is the goal. So… why is this controversial? Well, because... =========================== 2) POLITICS ARE COMPLICATED (AND WHY WE MUST BE CAREFUL AND PATIENT WITH IT) =========================== Kind of an obvious statement, but politics are VERY complicated, often to the degree that they can be extremely overwhelming, especially to the young and inexperienced. So I want to start by just making some sense out of the chaos to make what we’re all dealing with more digestible for later. There’s a lot of ways politics can be controversial that I feel should be obvious on a fundamental level of “not agreeing”, but the facet I want to focus on is the fact that in discussion about what’s “morally correct”, morals are not synonymous with the rhetoric and methods with which they’re presented. Often times, people who agree on the same target goal will disagree on the actual means of getting to that goal. We’ve all been in the situation where we got angry at someone for saying something in a really bad way, and frustrated because we also thought “...they still have a good point,” but the delivery made both of us look bad. This is everywhere in politics, and is also just a fact of life and humanity; everyone will have their own opinions on what to do and why to do it, and they may not all be completely the same. That doesn’t mean that people who you don’t 100% agree with are definitively less worthy of being on your side, nor does it mean that people you don’t 100% DISAGREE with are suddenly worth your time. The point is that nuance should be expected… and that’s not unforgivable, contrary to what some people might want you to believe. There’s a frustrating narrative that’s sadly common (or at the very least, disproportionately vocal) within activist movements which social media isn’t helping with, and it’s the classic “you’re either with us or against us” philosophy. Again, this can manifest in many ways, but the prevailing modern take is the oft-unspoken assumption that anyone that doesn’t immediately qualify as an ally must be considered an enemy, ignorant, and/or at the very least worth showing contempt to unless they do something that suddenly makes them qualify as an ally. In other words, assuming the worst of people until proven otherwise. I’ll go into more detail about this further down, but simply put, I do not agree with this approach at all because it inherently roots itself in the presumption that personal philosophies are set in stone, and that it requires a Herculean amount of effort on the other party to change for you. Yes, YOU, the absolute moral victor who not only never needs to change or rethink anything by virtue of being the victor, but also gets to choose what counts as acceptable in the first place. This is not to say that activism is inherently dishonest or bad, merely that again, politics are complicated. This current Black Lives Matter boom and the various responses to it are very complicated, and despite this movement being a thing for a while now, not everyone is an expert on everything that happens and why, especially as it continues to develop. The most egregiously unhelpful part of the “people who are ignorant are enemies” assumption is that it forgets not only that ignorance is the default state everyone born into this world starts as, but also that everyone is perpetually still learning, and no matter what, it’s always possible to change your mind, whether you're 15 or 50. In turn, this implicitly encourages the rejects people who DO want to be accepted as an ally to a cause they ultimately believe in to rush into action just to stop being antagonized for not “getting it.” For your own safety: DO NOT RUSH INTO POLITICS, especially since the current-day responses to some of this conflict can get dangerous. It’s not even a case of getting peer-pressured to getting into a live protest only to do something that gets you shot at with rubber bullets -- you could end up saying something you didn’t realize was insensitive until it was too late, you could mistakenly contribute to a false charity fund or untrustworthy organization merely posing as an activist group, or basically anything that only affirms peoples’ perception of you as ignorant. Please, take your time. As sucky as it is to deal with peer pressure from the toxic people on your side, also remember that you’re not alone. Not just in the sense that there are people who want to understand and become better and more informed like you, but also that there are people who are on your side who WANT you to become better and more informed and will understand if it doesn’t come immediately. Being able to safely say you holistically “understand” is a process that requires a lot of time and thought ruminating about your morals and your place in the world (like, to adulthood at the least, basically), and I can say for sure that many people involved in these activist movements have grown up still understanding that. Also (and this is just a thing on life in general), don’t let mistakes damn you. While everyone should strive to do their best, especially regarding matters as critical and controversial as racial inequity in the justice system, mistakes should not be completely inescapable dead-ends, nor should they be seen as such. Every misstep is a hidden lesson. Did you fall into the trap of misinformation? Give yourself new perspective of what misinformation looks like to avoid it in the future. Did you realize that you’re being strung along in potentially negative action you don’t understand? When you’re skeptical, do your research. Did you end up in a confused place because the causes you followed have come into conflict? Give the time to reassess what you fundamentally believe in and why. In short, Be patient with what the world throws at you. Your friends and allies will love you more for being careful and smart than merely being the first to say something. =========================== 3) REMEMBER TO BE PATIENT WITH YOURSELF TOO =========================== Now I realize that the suggestions I just shared in that last section might read off as being easier said than done, which... yknow, it is. Again, change is difficult not just on a system level, but on an individual, personal level, even when they have to do with the same thing. But now with all that backdrop out of the way, let’s talk directly on mental health. Again. I’ve already discussed my thoughts and tips on keeping your mind healthy in the context of the COVID-19 lockdown (which still is important since the pandemic is still going on, LINK: https://www.twitlonger.com/show/n_1sr7go6 ), and most of the stuff mentioned are still applicable to this new climate that I generally recommend still being practiced on a personal, self-care level: understand that even at the darkest, there will be dawn, keep yourself stimulated with regular activity, and be sure you get plenty of healthy sleep so you don’t spend your waking days tired and unable to lift yourself up. Of course, this is a new situation where the priorities are a lot different, namely that rather than merely keeping your sanity during a very passive time, this new situation is about social interaction, participation, and in general being active in big, drastic ways. That said, I don’t believe the fields are mutually exclusive -- I believe you can act for the greater good while preserving your own health, despite what some might be saying. Going back to that bit of internal gatekeeping of “you’re seen as an enemy until proven otherwise,” another part of what makes this thinking ultimately harmful is that the “line” which “separates” ally and enemy can be incredibly hazy and effectively whatever it wants, with the biggest narrative as of writing being that “silence means you’re complicit in allowing evil, and that if you don’t ever speak up, you’re a bad person.” Now there’s a lot to unpack from this, because this is a case where there is a good point, but it’s buried in vitriol. There ARE valid reasons for why someone would stay quiet, namely that not everyone has the same emotional/psychological bandwidth. Maybe people are having breakdowns because everything in the world angrily and violently collapsed onto them at once. Maybe they had burnout because the exposure dulled them of their usual ability to care. Heck, maybe there’s a way more corporeal issue in that they’re afraid for their own safety because of what they do or don’t say and are afraid of the consequences being literally dangerous, like they might lose their job or are gonna get targeted IRL. But does that constitute a free pass to sit this entire movement out? Well, as nice as it would be, the answer is “no”. Once again, the point of this movement is achieving justice, which I believe is a very worthy cause to take part in should we have the ability to, and I’ll be sharing stuff further down for those who can (and I believe most of you can). But the important thing to know now is that we and our brethren are not completely equal in terms of how smart, vocal, durable, or ultimately able we are, and that's FINE. I want you to know that just because you might not be as big in that regard as your peers, that doesn’t instantly make you “less” of a good person who can do great things, and I don’t think it’s at all wise to see action in a "flawless", black/white way. We all matter. And now is a time to do our best to stand united with our friends to affirm that black lives matter. Now, before I share in tips on how to go about being an active participant, since you’re here reading this huge-ass essay, this is a good time to reflect on where you stand from a mental health perspective, which is just as important and should be regularly checked upon as brushing your teeth. In addition to more visceral emotional reactions like secondhand trauma, other things like burnout and depression don’t just suddenly APPEAR. They creep up on you over time through prolonged stress, and they should be identified before they become a really crippling problem. No matter how passionate you are about advocacy and how much you believe in yourself, recognize that we are all still human, and that there are times that we need to stop, relax, and breathe. (like, literally! Take slow, deep breaths!) Ask yourself: are you physically feeling fatigued? How often? Is your overall morale good? What is your frequency of good to bad days, and is there any correlation you can find that dictates when they occur? Do you get instantly anxious and depressed when receiving certain stimuli like bad news? What about “good” stimuli like being empathetic or compassionate? Give yourself a patient, honest answer: how “well” do you feel? Like from my COVID-19 post, I want to remind that I am not a doctor who can necessarily prescribe things like therapy or give definitive treatment for every individual who reads this based on how they’re doing, and these suggestions are more stuff that I believe will help cope and take care of yourself just from experience. With that being said: • If you are feeling constantly exhausted, finding yourself unable to consciously self-care or work, I cannot recommend a healthy, regular sleep schedule enough. Do your best to be honestly consistent about it, your body and mind will thank you so much for good rest! • If triggering topics are festering in your head, learn how to practice meditation and grounding techniques. Meditating and grounding can be regularly used to help sway your mind away from the harsh topics your mind may wander into and fixate on in any given moment, and can be very helpful in allowing yourself to clear your mind from stress, as well as to refocus on what you’re really experiencing in the present. There are so many ways to approach these forms of treatment to try out, but just some online resources to get started: https://www.theawakenetwork.com/free-online-meditation-resources-for-the-time-of-social-distancing/ --- https://www.healthline.com/health/grounding-techniques • If the constant exposure to these ongoing, intense news and their discussions are becoming too much for you, it is completely within your right to turn off your social media, news, and halt your advocacy in general for a bit. Again, these are important, crucial topics which we ultimately fight for because we believe that things should be better, but if you start to feel legitimately traumatized and unable to properly handle new information to work, you don’t need to continue exposing yourself to it. Give yourself a break from it, you can join back any time once you feel strong again. • Stay connected to the people you trust. I firmly believe that empathy and friendship are more powerful than any kind of indirect threat like peer pressure in helping you stay productive while happy. You were probably already doing this because of the COVID-19 stuff, but now is especially a good time to come together with your friends and loved ones. No matter what, we all need our safety, reassurance, and love, and while we may not always be able to unload all our grievances onto each other (everyone has a right to their own mind they should take care of), there is nothing to be ashamed of in seeking out solidarity. That is a big thing with a movement like this, after all! • If you really believe you need professional help for constant distress, then genuinely good professional help is out there. If you have concern in finding proper mental health treatment (especially for black people), programs out there specifically with it in mind. https://twitter.com/mayarichardsun/status/1265676677549559809 One last point: it’s also important to understand that coping isn’t exactly the same thing as “self care”. We all have an obligation to act in ways that can in one way or another be seen as stressful, but also understand that not all methods to cope with it are equally healthy. What I suggested are very low-maintenance, low financial cost techniques, but there are other techniques like spending cash on clothes or (for some of us), binging on alcohol or other substances. Techniques like that aren’t strictly invalid as coping tools in moderation, but understand that ultimately, self-care is a form of reducing the harm you receive, and it isn’t necessary to cut into your finances or physical health just to not feel bad. Be safe about how you cope! =========================== 4) READY? GET SET. GO! =========================== There are so many ways that you can help with the Black Lives Matter movement that honestly, I’m kinda nervous about going in great detail about all of them since I feel like I might misword stuff that explains themselves very well already, haha. But here is a big, constantly-updating resource that I currently trust and follow: https://blacklivesmatters.carrd.co This Carrd page by @dehyedration is a very extensive page on “Ways You Can Help”, with links of direct support and additional educational guides for those who wish to be further educated (which should be all of us!). Included are: • Petitions to sign for justice not just for George Floyd, but other victims felled to police brutality (very low-cost and contains details for international). • Text/call contact info towards local govt. representatives who can bring George Floyd and others to justice. • Links to donation funds towards the victims, the protesters, to black-owned businesses, and other charity institutions (includes a segment for international links!). • Guides for live protesters, compiling resources for understanding your legal rights, links for assistance (including access to pro-bono lawyers), and tutorials on how to stay safe and treat injuries should things get hairy. • Additional resources on educating yourself on the topics of Black Lives Matter’s rhetoric and goals, the issues of systemic racism at large, debunking of common misinformation and outright hoaxes, and more! There are MANY way to contribute to the cause right now, and a surprising amount of it you can do in virtually no time. Signing the petitions alone can be all done in 5-10 minutes (give or take, given how many tabs you can open and keep track of at any certain time haha), and even if you can’t donate, there are so many ways to you express your support without needing to have to deal with pointless fights against Twitter trolls. Once again, I firmly believe that contributing to and being aware of a powerful, meaningful cause and keeping your sanity are not mutually exclusive. We can act for the greater good, and we can be healthy about it, so long as we remember to be patient with the world as much as we should be patient with ourselves, and together, we can do amazing things. And one final reminder: just because this is an important subject we should all do our part to get involved in this, that doesn’t mean you must sacrifice everything else in your life right now. As important as the discussion is and as critical a time it is for it to be visible, that doesn’t mean that you should be completely engulfed in it. You can still enjoy what makes you happy, healthy, and motivated enough to take part in this movement. To paraphrase many a wise men: take it, but you can take it easy! I’ll be leaving you with a link to a Twitter thread I found of a bunch of nice news regarding the ongoing protests, which contrary to what a lot of the media might say, is not all looting, fires, and tear gas. The people out there ARE there as a show of solidarity as much as much as support, and it's genuinely beautiful. https://twitter.com/tomakeupwityou/status/1266947871686959106 Stay safe, and stay healthy out there, lovely monitors! (and keep washing your hands!) 🖤🖤🖤

[purplesurveys]

866

What year were you born? 1998.

What holiday is closest to your birthday? I’d say Easter. Last year it even fell on the exact day of my birthday.

What is your name if you spell it without the letters "e" "y" and "t"? Robn.

If you named a band after your birth-month and your pet, what would it be? It would either be April Cooper or April Kimi...I feel like the first one would only remind people of Alice Cooper lmao, and the second one doesn’t have enough oomph I think.

Who is your 9th contact in your phone? Aw it’s Angela heheh.

Have you had your birthday yet this year? Yes. It was during the peak of the lockdown but I’m really glad things fell into place that day. My parents got me a cheesecake (the store only had blueberry, but mom scraped the blueberry stuff off and my sister grated Oreos on top to make it an Oreo cheesecake) and Angela surprised me with a box of all my favorite sushi. :)

How old will you be in 5 years? I will beeeeeee 27. That age has always freaked me out because that’s how old my parents were when they had me, and I am nowhere near that point.

How about in 20 years? 42.

Where was the last place you went? The living room to put Cooper back in his crate for a bit. Playtime exhausted me haha.

Do you have a twin? Nah. My only experiences with twins is that I went to school with several sets of them, but twins don’t run in either family.

What was the last movie you watched? Ah shoot this is gonna be crazy embarrassing but I recently watched that really bad Cat in the Hat film with Mike Myers...I CAN EXPLAIN hahaha there was a Cat in the Hat meme I saw on Twitter and I realized I haven’t seen the movie in like 16 years. I looked it up on YouTube expecting to watch a few scenes but I was surprised to find the entire movie uploaded, so that’s how I killed 1.5 hours the other day lmao.

Are you afraid of shots? Terrified of them. I made a tiny scene when I had to go to the hospital last May and I watched as the nurse prepared the stuff needed for my blood test. I can’t imagine how I’d be if I ever needed a shot as an adult, lol.

What color are the walls of the room you are in? Again, white.

How many letters are in your middle name? Five.

Is your last name longer than 6 letters long? Nope, it’s exactly that many letters long.

If you were in an accident, would you rather lose a hand or an ear? I feel like any answer I pick would be potentially offensive but uh I’d go with ear. I have pretty bad hearing on my right ear as it is so I wouldn’t have to adjust as much as I would have to if I suddenly lost a hand.

Have you ever dyed your hair an unnatural color? I’ve never dyed my hair. I gotta say though, college has this way of making you feel left out if you don’t ever ride the waves of trends like these, but thankfully I never felt pressured to dye my hair or get a nose piercing or try drugs or whatever.

If a gorilla and a horse had a baby, what would the new creature be called? Gorse sounds hilarious, I’ll go with that.

Does anyone call you baby? Yes.

Regular Cheetos or hot? I like the jalapeño ones. The flaming hot Cheetos look so unappetizing to me...

How's your heart lately? I think it’s just really bored around the house at this point.

Favorite fruit? Avocado(-flavored stuff).

Are you scared of spiders? I hate that they move so fast it looks like they jump from one spot to another, I’ll say that. But I’m not necessarily scared of them? though I think it’s because we have much smaller spiders here.

Do you have a piercing? I have ear piercings that haven’t been used in 12 years. By some miracle both are still open, though.

If someone doesn't like you, its usually because...? Probably because I bitched them out at one point.

Do you wear the hood on your hoodie? Only if there’s something uncomfortable happening outside is the best way I can describe it. Like if the sun is too bright or if there are too many mosquitoes flying around my face at night.

How long does it take for you to take a shower? 7-15 minutes.

Do you like being around a large group of friends, or two best friends? I have both scenarios and I don’t know if I have any preference, honestly. In both circumstances I’m with friends, and that’s really all I need to have a good time.

Whose birthday is coming up? JM’s was yesterday, though I’m not really sure who among the people I know will have their birthday next. The earliest next birthday I can think of is my girlfriend’s sister’s, but that’s not until next month.

Do you like roller coasters? Hate them.

Do you have a tattoo? Nah. Still gathering up the courage to face the needle.

What is wrong with you right now? I’m at a new chapter in my life and still a little scared to start scribbling on it yet, and the pandemic is just putting some more fuel onto that fear.

What was the last movie you went to? Knives Out.

Do you care what others think about you? Only when it comes to someone whose opinions I value, like my best friends. They don’t just blurt stuff out to me so if they pull me aside and tell me if I’m being a shitty person or generally not being my best, that’s the only time I’ll listen and care.

Do think you'll be married in 10 years? Yes. I’d want to be by then, that’s for sure. Are you afraid of the dark? If it’s meant to be scary, like a Halloween house attraction.

Do you like your life at the moment? I can’t complain, considering how many others are living in more unfortunate circumstances now. It could be better obviously, but I know better than to complain.

Where were you last night? I was at home and had an early night because I was sleepier than usual.

What kind of shirt are you wearing? Black tank top.

Has someone of the opposite sex ever told you they loved you? My dad, my grandpas, and Andrew are the only people to come to mind.

What are you afraid of the most? Losing the people that I love. < This, failure, and rejection.

When's the last time you wanted to punch someone in their face? Around two Mondays ago.

Do you have a crush on someone? Yup.

When is your birthday? April 21st.

What are you doing tonight? Same old, I guess. I’ll be doing some puppysitting and probably finding something to watch on YouTube, and maybe a survey or two.

Describe life in one word: Wild.

What happened at 10:00 am today? Cooper was napping, so I took one as well to recharge and to be ready for whenever he got up.

[magnaflourious-nerdity]

B99 and The Good Place

YES. THANK YOU!!!! I LOVE THE GOOD PLACE AND BROOKLYN 99 SO MUCH. AND NOBODY EVER WANTS TO TALK TO/WITH ME ABOUT TGP. I made my friend watch it with me just so I could talk about it with someone lol. Also because it's just a genuinely good show. (Next up I'm gonna make her finish iZombie with me too, haha.)SO! For B99Favorite Main Character:Its gotta be either Rosa or Jake. You know I'm in love with both Andy Samburg and Stephanie Beatriz. (especially Stephanie Beatriz, *dreamy sigh*)Fun fact! My favorite side character is Kevin. Whether it's in B99, The Good Place, or on the Thrilling Adventure Hour, I love the deadpan humor of Marc Evan Jackson. He is, after all, a naughty bitch ;p. Favorite Female Character:Oh, for sure this goes to Rosa Diaz. I love her so much and Stephanie Beatriz plays her to absolute perfection. it's so cool to be able to see such a badass lady cop on TV, who both plays to and subverts the typical Strong Silent Badass™ trope. Rosa is from a cooler world than any of us.OTP:I know it's a boring answer, but it's gotta be Jake and Amy. From the jump their relationship was built on mutual (if, admittedly at first, somewhat begrudging) respect and trust. They were friends, which is so rewarding to see. There have been couples like that on TV before, but usually it's all a lot of 'will they, wont they- which can be fun too if done right, like seasons 1 and 2 did -but it's refreshing to see it played in such a different way. Jake just straight up told her and didn't expect anything to come from it. He didn't pressure her to like him back and he didn't even hate on Teddy (until he got all weird and creepy in later seasons, and even then he was polite) while he was dating her. He respects her and treats her well and I will forever remember the scene where he tells everyone why/how he decided to propose to her, it was perfect and truely sweet. Jake and Amy make each other better. He helped her to loosen up a little and compromise without getting rid of her take- charge, eager-to-please attitude or her independance, and in turn she made him into a (slightly) more mature person. Amy helped turn Jake into a (somewhat) functional adult, but she didn't force him to lose his fun, childish side either. They genuinely care for each other in a way that you dont often get to see on TV between Het Couples. Like the episode where Amy takes the Sargent's exam and Jake says he always knew Amy would be his boss one day? HE RESPECTS HER SO MUCH. Almost any other sitcom would have Jake's arc for that episode be about him feeling insecure at the thought of his future wife being his boss, but B99 didn't and I love them for it. Their love is so sweet and believable. I even teared up a little during the wedding scene because I'm an absolute sap like that. I also really, really like the chemistry between Rosa and her potential new girlfriend Alicia (as played by the also amazingly beautiful and talented Gina Rodriguez.) They had immediate chemistry- which I'm huge on -and Alicia seems like a genuinely cool and sweet woman. Anyone who can make Rosa lose her composure in front of people she cares about has gotta be something special. I'm hoping in the next season NBC will let them bring Gina Rodriguez back and she and Rosa will become TV's gayest and most dynamic power couple. That would be pretty sweet. Sorry that this has turned into Rosa and Jake fest. But if it helps, Holt and Kevin are definitely couple goals too and I'm glad Kevin'sgetting so much more screen time. I agree with Jake: I also want them to be my two gay dads. Not that I dont love my dad, I'm just welcoming in the extra role models, lol. Lord k ow I probably need it.NoTP:I love that the show steered away from it, because I wasn't really much a fan of the Boyle/Diaz Dynamic of season 1. But, I do honestly love them as bros together. It's another trope the show subverts since Charles is the one who's super in touch with his emotions and helps out Rosa in her relationships when she has trouble expressing hers. I just... I really love relation/friendships built on trust and respect. It's my jam.Favorite Other Pairings:I know she's not your fave but I do like Gina and Rosa together, they have a fun, snarky vibe together and Gina does genuinely care for Rosa and respect her opinions, way more than she does with most other people. Except maybe Holt. Also Amy and Rosa. I love episodes where the two of them team up together. Basically, what I'm saying here is that I just want Rosa to date ALL the girls on the show, haha.Least Favorite Character:I hate to say it, but I want a huge fan of Pimento? Like, he was dangerous and rude and I know he went through a lot of trauma undercover, but dude needed some help, and I mean just that, really. He needs to be in therapy for his PTSD because it's affecting his relationships and his whole life.I'm not too big a fan of Hitchcock either, just because like... Okay, so, Scully is dumb and occasionally rude, but at least he tries to be nice most of the time and even tries to contribute; Hitchcock is... kind of a jerk most of the time? I know that's the point, but still... like, fix yourself my dude.Also, I do really love to hate The Vulture. He's insufferable, but his dynamic with the team and their hate for him is so much fun to watch. Of course when I say least favorite, I still like these characters, it's just that if I had to pick, it would be these three.Favorite Season/Episode:I actually really like this past season a lot. Like, so much happened! ROSA CAME OUT! JAKE AND AMY GOT MARRIED! HOLT AND KEVIN GOT QUALITY SCREEN TIME AS A COUPLE! It was pretty amazing.I love the episode where Rosa came out to her parents. It was so sweet ♡ and I think it's really important that it ended in such a medium place. Like, that happens to people sometimes other TV shows, sometimes parents dont either accept you wholeheartedly or kick you out and denounce you. Sometimes, you just get stuck in a crappy in between place (note: not deflection btw, my parents are cool with my identity, but I has happened to people I know and it sucks watching them try and get through it without sacrificing the relationship between them and their parent[s]). And we never get to see that because TV likes to focus on the extremes. And Rosa found out that you can find your own family if you need too. Which, as you know, I am always up for in my media. Found family tropes for everyone!Who Would I Date:I mean... look how many times the words Jake and Rosa have come up in this post. In your heart of hearts you know the answer to this question.Rosa (whom I have to separate from her actress because I love them both, and for different reasons) would be a little hard to date for me, just because she's so closed off and sometimes ya girl needs some validation of affection. But she's so...so cool. She does the right thing, even if she'd rather hit the problem in the face with an axe, and I know she's a police officer but it still counts, damnit. She has all these layers to her, like the dancing and the gymnastics and stuff. She doesn't reject traditional femininity, it just doesn't appeal to her. Also I bet she'd make anyone feel hella safe. She's... honestly the best word I can come up with right now is dreamy. Rosa Diaz is a Dreamboat with a capital D, and I'm sorry, but if you dont think so you're wrong.Jake is kind of the polar opposite. The only thing I would see becoming a hypothetical issue in the hypothetical relationship is that I can also be immature and messy and garbage at being an adult. We'd be too similar and it wouldn't help anyone, unlike with Jake and Amy. But he's so sweet and caring and funny. He's a genuinely great guy who respects everyone who deserves it, and sometimes even people who don't. Plus he's definitely a good cuddler and I like being the big spoon, so that would work out well for us.----------------------As for The Good Place:(WARNING! Spoilers for The Good Place are below, so if you're asking me but haven't seen it yet, I highly recommend skipping this until you do watch it, because I don't want to spoil anything for you. It's that good.Favorite Main Character:How, actually, do you choose on this? How?!? I love them all so much, truly. Chidi is a nervous smol (though also very tol) beanpole. Eleanor is always a Mood™ and she shows so much growth over the course of just 2 seasons (same with Michael, but that'smore over the course of 1 season. I'llgive him a pass though because it was entertaining as hell when he finally realized the concept of mortality). Jason became so much more lovable and sweet in season 2. Janet is my favorite omniscient NonBinary robot ever. And Tahani is, to quote Eleanor directly, "A sexy, tan rapunzel. The dream." Plus, she really knows how to go all out with something, which is fun. I loved how into her role as Rhonda Mumps she got. Plus, watching her tell off her parents was so good.I think I'm gonna have to go with Either Chidi Eleanor or Janet. That's as much as I can narrow it down though, because I am weak.Favorite Female Character: Well, since Janet is not a girl, but instead- as mentioned above -an omniscient NonBinary robot person, I'll go with Eleanor. I think I just really relate to her character. Which means I should probably shape up my life, lol. But it's so nice to see a smart, funny, unladylike and kinda sleazy character, who ultimately has that heart of gold and a desire for self-improvement played like this by a woman as a main character. She's like the likeable, morally gray sidekick in so many romcoms, but she gets to be the focus for once. I dig it. Also, I tend to flock towards bi-coded characters. Have you seen Eleanor's collection of flannels (Janet could literally get her anything to wear, but mah girl craves that bi aesthetic)? Any of her interactions with Tahani? That girl is bi af, if not pan. OTP:Oh, for sure it's Teleanor (Elhani?). Like, the chemistry between Jameela Jamil and Kristen Bell is so thick. They're so good together! And I swear if I dont get a flashback to attempt #218 at some point I will cry. 2nd OTP is Chidi/Eleanor because a) they're super cute together, B) they make each other better, and C) LOOK MA, ITS AN INTERRACIAL COUPLE AS THE MAIN FOCUS OF A SITCOM WHERE THE POC IS A DUDE! I've heard tell of it in legends but never seen it before in real life! I joke, but seriously, it is neat to see.Runner up: J² (aka Janet & Jason). What can I say? I'm a sucker for cute, oddball couples who shouldn't work but ultimately do.NoTP:I wasn't very keen on Tahani/Jason. Like, it was a fun distraction, and it did lead to the scene where Tahani tells her parents she ate a cheeto, and it also gave us some much needed Janet screen time/character arc stuff, but they just didn't work for me as a couple. I think, though, that that was kind of the point? Like, they needed to make that mutual mistake together so they could get to where they needed to be. Jason grew up a bit and learned to problem solve and Tahani gained confidence and the personal growth she needed to tell off her douchey parents.Favorite Other Pairings: Is it weird to say Shawn/Michael? I feel like it is, but I would still read it. Also maybe Janet/Eleanor. That could be fun.Least Favorite Character:This is slightly less tough than the questions above, but if it came down to it and I had to pick, I'd probably say it's pretty much just amounts to a few of the characters that the show designed for me to hate.Figuratively, everyone in Tahani's family is a garbage human being. And not in like, the fun, likeable way that say Eleanor or Jason were 'garbage people,' but in the awful, 'I would gladly punch you in the face' kind of way instead. Same goes for Eleanor's parents and her roommates (Though the one who remained her friend after she switched up everything in the season finale was okish in S2, what little I saw of her). It's super weird, but I actually do like the demons for the most part. Shawn is amazing to watch, which I, in large part, chalk up to Marc Evan Jackson's performance. And I even liked Vicky and Trevor, in that same, The Vulture from B99 sort of way. So literal demons are more likeable than the characters mentioned above, which should tell you something.Favorite Season/Episode:Season 1 was amazing and that first Cliffhanger twist was wild and awesome and I didn't figure it out until about 30 seconds before Eleanor did because it was so good, but it wasn't just a twist for the sake of it either, like, the season was built around it and makes sense with it, which is really cool to see in a sitcom. HOWEVER, all things being equal and with that said, Season 2 was EVEN BETTER SOMEHOW?!?! they ditched the formula and changed it all up! It's a sitcom! They never do that! And they only spent like what, 1 to 2ish episodes replaying the new attempts? And they focused on some of the Bad Place characters too while they were doing it, so it didn't get boring. That could have so easily happened too, if it hadn't been handled as well as it was by the writers. But it was handled well and they kept changing things up and giving us more info on the characters lives and their deaths and all that good juicy character development stuff I love so much and it was so, so worth watching.Episode wise, season two had my favorite episodes too, starting with the big neighborhood-ending party and all the way up to the finale (the episodes before then were also great, obviously, but that run towards the end had me captivated so thoroughly I almost called in sick to work to finish them, haha.)The stuff where they infiltrate The Bad Place was golden. If I had, had, had to pick a single episode... yeah, nope, I'm still not able to because it comes up a tie between the one where they leave the neighborhood behind or the finale. There was so much good character stuff, and lots of little found family type moments and Mindy even got a little bit of a reward at the end! (Side note: something deep inside of me loves Mindy St. Claire so much and wishes I could have more of her confidence and fuck it attitude). The demons were hilarious and Judge Gen was a delight to watch! This show is just so good, it makes me want to cry a little. Just a bit. I'm so excited for season 3!! Less than a month left yeah! ♡Who Would I Date:It would probably come down to either Janet, or Eleanor. Tahani has potential, but she's too...aristocratic to actually date for me, I think. Chidi would be an amazing partner, but I feel like we're both such anxious people that it would quickly become an unmanageable tornado of stress and bad decision making, lol.Janet would be cool because she's weird and fun and chipper and so sweet, plus she has all the knowledge in the universe which is neat. I do love a smart cookie. And with Janet since I'm more demi/ace-ish and since she doesn't have sex parts, that would take a weight off my mind I think. So check off 'would date a self-aware, omniscient robot' on my list of weird character traits.Eleanor would also be a good candidate too because she's relatively down to earth and laid back, as well as being fun and relatable and just... kind of a cool chick. Plus, I know deep down she actually does care about things and is a decent human being, which is sort of a must in a partner, lol. The only drawback is that we might make each other worse because we'd probably let each other get away with a lot, so it might be somewhat counterproductive to the point of the show, haha. ----------------------Thank you so much for asking these! And for letting me rant and rave over my two favorite sitcoms in what has, apparently, turned out to be a fucking essay on 'Things I love about Brooklyn 99 and The Good Place'. Sorry I got so verbose about it. I'm also sorry that I, as a person, always fail so completely at making choices and narrowing things down, lol. But this was fun! Hopefully you've seen TGP, I'd absolutely hate, hate, hate to spoil such an excellent and surprising show for someone. Assuming you have, I'm gonna run over and ask you about this one too. In fact consider this an open invitation: if you need someone to talk to about B99 or TGP, consider me your gal!

[missartus]

Mich’s 25th Tell-All

I just turned 25 last month, and to be honest, it’s been the most stressful and anxiety-induced birthday EVER. 

Well probably because I’m now officially into the mid-twenties category, and with that, I feel like there’s an automatic pressure of having to have it all figured out by this age. And of course, I don’t have it all figured out. Which then makes me so anxious and frightened weeks prior to my birthday. 

But then I eventually turned 25. And I mean, it wasn’t that bad. I think, in general, I just became more reflective on life and I’ve really begun to find more substance into most of what forms me as me -- my faith, my career, my relationships, my mental health, myself.

My self.

So here I am, about to write down all my thoughts, fears, and hopes into this blog that I’ve had as an outlet for YEARS. Hoping that this would at least help me ease my mind and my heart even just for a tad bit.

Career

I’m now almost 3 years into my company, and man is it quite a rollercoaster ride. I’ve formed impressive work ethics here and I’ve really developed into someone that I never thought I could possibly become. From a regular copywriter, I’m now a Content Team Lead. It wasn’t easy getting here. I actually kinda had to be a little bit brave in order for me to be promoted. But regardless, hey (look, ma) I made it. This is the company where I’ve stayed the longest thus far. And I don’t think I’ll stay here this long if not for the unusual yet cool setup we have (stay-in and work from home privileges, time to time trips to Singapore and other countries as well, etc.) But I think more than that, what really made me stay here this long is the people. Cheesy but true. I’ve found real, good friends here. And the team’s got this insane potential that I just can’t let go of because doing so is like letting go of amazing possible opportunities. 

But I’d be lying if I say that I haven’t thought of leaving. I actually have. Twice. But then, whenever I get into that mindset of having to look for another job, something good happens at my company. Just how I was looking for other jobs when we suddenly had a trip to Bali which made me re-think my choices and I think I’m gonna stay here a bit more. :P

Mental Health

My mental health is something that I’ve been (slowly but surely) opening up to people. Mainly because I realized that there really are people who are willing to help me out and listen to me, and all I needed to do is to reach out. And so I did. And now I can say that I’ve never had such an amazing support system in my life. I was actually fine when 2019 began, I had an amazing therapist, I knew how to handle my anxiety, I was learning how to handle my emotions, everything seemed bearable. Because of that, I realized that I might not need to go to my therapy regularly. Eventually, I stopped going at all. Everything was still a-okay. Until my recent attack, a few weeks after my birthday. 

That’s when I realised the importance of ACTUALLY COMPLETING YOUR THERAPY because a relapse can happen anytime. And now, it’s hard for me to schedule a session with my therapist because my slot’s been taken. Lesson learned.

Relationships

As I’ve previously mentioned, I made an effort this year to actively reach out to people and be more open. Majority of that are my friends. Both old and new. I’ve re-connected and connected. 

February of this year I gained new friends, thanks to my new church. Haha. And up until today, this set of church friends is continually expanding. It’s a bit of a challenge to my introvert self, but I’m loving it nevertheless. 

I also almost fell in love. 

Emphasis on the “almost” haha. This is probably a huge twist to my year, I must say. I wasn’t expecting this to happen, much more, I wasn’t expecting who the guy would be. (I just literally did a facepalm typing this haha) I don’t want to delve into how everything happened, but let’s just say that I was almost willing to let go of my non-negotiables and standards, just to pursue a relationship with this man. All roads were leading to a big “NO”, but for a bit there, I tried to push it a little bit more. Tried to see if there’s something that I can hold on to just to finally be in a relationship again. But it didn’t work out. He was confusing, naive, and I just know him too well given that we’ve known each other for quite a while. In return, I was hurt, and even worse, all my insecurities just suddenly poured out. In wanting to launch this potential relationship, I eventually began to question my worth. Why isn’t he as serious as I am? Why isn’t he pursuing me sincerely? What is it about me that’s holding him back? Am I not pretty enough? Smart enough? Skinny enough? What am I doing wrong? 

I almost lost it. I was desperately trying to read between the mixed signals and actions. It was like, majority of the time I was strategising what to do just to get this relationship to blossom. But he just wasn’t on the same page as I am. He doesn’t know what he likes. He clearly wasn’t ready. And so I decided to end it, also for the sake of the friendship that I desired to save. 

I’m not completely okay yet. But I know I’m getting there. Also, I’m trying to rebuild my friendship with him, so there’s that. I know it’s a pretty complicated thing, but as I’ve said, I don’t think I really, really fell in love with him yet. Soooo yeah. Ugh. Hahaha.

Faith

Despite everything that’s been happening in my life this year, God has remained constant. I cannot fully explain just how present He’s been in my life this year. Since I had my relapse last month, He’s never failed to provide me with the things that I need. He’s orchestrated so many things to happen to me, just to make me feel that He’s actually reaching out to me. There were days when I would just literally be in awe because I could really feel His presence there. I’m attending a new church now and it has helped me so, so, much in my spiritual journey, and honestly, if God didn’t lead me there, I would have backslid by now.

My faith was refreshed this year. And I’m so happy it did. God’s grace has been ever so sufficient to me and I will forever thank Him for all the reaching out He did to me and all the mercy and grace He’s poured out. I’m gonna be totally honest, living with this kind of anxiety and all the other pain that I have is very exhausting. It is. I wanted to give up a thousand times. But God never tires to reach His hand out to me, no matter how many times I neglect Him, reject Him, and tell Him that I don’t need Him anymore. Most times, I would actually tell Him that I don’t deserve His love, but He constantly tells me that He does love me, and nothing in this world can change that. Even I couldn’t accept myself, but He does. And knowing that Someone accepts you even if you don’t accept yourself is actually a pretty big deal. 

---

Overall, I’m still trying to figure out how to fully love myself and be rid of all these insecurities and fears. It’s actually easier to find reasons to hate myself than find reasons why I need to love myself. It’s so, so, so hard. And even though I’ve been working so hard on it, there are times when I feel like I’m not even making progress. But you really have to dig deeper within yourself to find that tiny bit of strength and hope. As John Mayer said (which is the song I’m currently listening to now lol), “So I keep runnin' 'til my run is gone, keep on ridin' 'til I see that dawn, and I will be found. I will be found.”

I’m making a solid effort to accept that I am a work in progress, and that’s okay. What’s important is that I am aware of it, and that I’m constantly working to be the best version of myself, no matter how many times I have to try and try again.

[secondsofhappiness]

I hope beyond hope that we may be a little relived and it won't be as bad as people are making out... I can't see how ED would go there so soon after the wedding 3 weeks ago.. AND that's what would really upset me, that I've been completely invested & they've almost goaded the fandom! If so- they can expect a massvie backlash fully deserved! I'm actually more calm today then I have been,bring it on I say,let's see how they dig themselves out of this, & how stupid are they! I won't be a mug! 😊🙏

I’m refusing to feel anything about it until I’ve seen both episodes. I’m not worrying about the show for days or weeks beforehand when it’s my little daily source of entertainment.

I’ve always said I think it’ll be worse than the spoilers are indicating, just because I had a feeling it would be. So I will be surprised if it is a simple pass at her and she rejects him - I’m really not expecting that.

Would I be angry? Yes. Would I be disappointed? Absolutely. But I wouldn’t be surprised and that’s been my mind set since we got the spoilers. So TBH if it’s not them sleeping together I’m going to VERY pleasantly surprised. But that’s me wing really honest.

I’ve already said my 2p worth - lazy writing, boring repetition and damages a lot of what has come before - but that sometimes doesn’t stop a soap.

The way the show has responded is interesting to me. Their tweet about context etc is still very surprising to me. They have never done that before and it shows that they really heard the backlash they received which is sad but also I’m sure a lot of the arguments were warranted. Again, they release tons of deleted scenes the day before the scenes that sparked the viewers backlash… that definitely isn’t a coincidence.

The show will do what they wish and take the characters in the direction they want. I have already felt quite apathetic about this whole storyline, caring a little less and focusing on the stuff that I have enjoyed like Laurel’s story, Faith returning, Lydia and her daftness, Ness being bad ass as hell etc.

I adore Rob and Aaron (and Liv) but the prison stuff was handled badly in my view and it really made me uncomfortable with the addition of the abuse especially with the scenes from that Monday episode… we’re getting, it seems, very few scenes with Aaron in prison over the next few weeks and it is confusing as to why this is but I have felt a little less invested during this storyline and my focus has shifted to Liv and also Rob being a weird reluctant but strangely effective parent. That’s not what the show wants and I am a long time and passionate viewer.So something has gone awry.

The scenes this week, even if they play out exactly as spoilers indicate, are likely to cause huge upset. The thing is, the show are likely not to care too much because publicity is publicity and the more people about and complain, the more likely the show is to carry on. It’s the switching off that bothers them. If they feel that viewers are in fact turning off then that will prompt a change but if people are just up in arms then that’s great for them, they get talked about and debated…

Also, I think it’s likely that they feel the wedding was enough to appease viewers and that the promise of them always making their way back to each other is enough. For me, it isn’t and for most it won’t be but that is likely their mentality.

Spoilers have been very vague too. Random people apparently keep coming out of the wood work on other social media (much of it I haven’t seen TBH) but it appears they’re causing rumours to spiral. Everyone will view the scenes differently and spoilers have ranged from “it’s a drunken move to kiss” to “one night stand!”. I mean, it’s wild. Then spoilers clam up around next week unless I’ve missed something (I read them and got up to date for this response!!) so that’s unusual. It either means that the appeal causes a pause in the storyline to reflect how it would run in the real world or that the show is keeping stuff secret. I wouldn’t put anything past Iain. I’ve always said his stamp on the show is this sneaky, creative approach and it has been shown in so many ways so far.

That said, I’m expecting turmoil tomorrow regardless of what happens. If the show has chosen to have Rob cheat (as in more than a mistaken pass - and my views on cheating are that this is still cheating it everyone is different) at this point and in these circumstances then that’s a pretty poor decision and will have significant consequences both for fandom and love for the pairing. The show doesn’t want that. But I am expecting it.

Also, I don’t really feel like Rob is suffering all that much. This is going to be a wildly unpopular opinion but I don’t mind. YES, he has pressures heaped onto him but yesterday he was coping ok. He’s a man of action and so far he seems to be stressed out and down because he misses Aaron but he’s not spiralling, he’s not significantly distressed and he seems pretty ok. He is currently as of last night, not a man who is failing to cope and falling into a pit of despair.

So that means that either this evening and tomorrow, things cause a significant down turn. Now, we know he finds out about the drugs and then Thursday’s scene with Aaron in prison is likely to be the thing that causes him to hit the bottle and spiral a little. That said, if that’s how it plays out and it’s looking like it will then that’s not really enough for me. It may be enough for others but I don’t feel like Rob’s really doing all that terribly right now. Nothing he can’t handle. Even if Aaron were to break up with him and refuse to stop drugs (I think one is confirmed and the other is v likely) then I don’t feel that’s enough to convince me that Rob would be low enough and spiralling enough to down a bottle of whisky, trash his house and potentially try to sleep with the person who was the subject of an argument that placed Aaron into a volatile state and caused the whole sorry mess in the first place. That wouldn’t be enough for me and that’s going to be the thing, if anything, that I won’t be able to move past.

As I said, I’m invested but I’m not so invested that I’ll lose sleep or be distraught but many many will (and that’s absolutely natural TBH - i'm just a horrible cynic haha) and I think whatever happens, twitter will be a shit show, overreactions will be rife and it will be an unpleasant place for a few days. I’ve accepted that! I’m ready and willing to be my usual positive self (unless the show entirely cocks it up haha) so I’ll try my level best but I really do think I may be coming at this from an angle of my own and many won’t agree with me! But hey ho, we’ll see.

Thankfully I’m pretty busy in life at the moment but unfortunately fandom isn’t going to be so much fun for a bit… so I’ll try to make the best of it when I’m here :) I don’t know whether that helped or made matters worse but I think the trick is to just wait and see and avoid places that breed negativity.