#no one told me how badly the first christmas after a breakup would feel

[a-dose-of-comatose]

Christmas

Single this year

Mistletoe long wilted

Tree left bare, ornaments dusty

Alone

[caughtthedarkness93]

So my first ex was pretty awful. It was my first relationship, and I was an impressionable autistic teenage boy who wanted to be loved, but didn't know what healthy love looked like, didn't know how to set clear boundaries, and felt I was so unworthy of love that the instant someone actually offered it to me, actually showed me genuine interest, I leapt at it, first nervously, then enthusiastically.

She was sweet on the surface. Bubbly, energetic, about a head shorter than me if not more. Absolutely adorable. Loved animals. She was also controlling, manipulative, and could be quite vindictive. Whenever something didn't go her way, she found a way to make it someone else's problem. She would make huge decisions that affected both of us without talking to me about them, once deciding we needed to go on a break and declaring that it was happening without having even alluded to the possibility beforehand.

And when I finally dumped her, she raised such a fucking stink about it. Sent me passive-aggressive messages on Facebook for months. She left a letter at my door on Christmas Day that I never read, but my mom and my sister did - according to them, it had a bit about her falling in love with my autism before she fell in love with me. She told people we mutually knew with a kind of hate and venom in her voice that people weren't used to from her that one day I would "Realize my mistake and come crawling back to her."

Every time I'd say something that even alluded to the possibility of a breakup, she'd set into a routine about how she needed me, how if I left her, she'd never love again. Her happiness was dependent on me. If I left her, I'd be condemning her to a lifetime of loneliness. She'd do this even after we'd discussed after she'd seriously crossed a line with me (The break) that it was a second chance and things needed to change. It succeeded at guilting me into sticking around for a really long time.

That was the kind of relationship this was. It's a lot of prelude, but I want my experience in this relationship firmly established when I say that probably when she tells this story, I'm the bad guy. In fact, I am downright certain that I am because I saw her social media posts and she talked about it in vague terms. I don't know how she's made me the bad guy, I don't know what specifically she says, but I know she's talked about the guy she went to prom with in negative terms.

And I'm the only date she ever had to prom.

I am the villain in her story. And it's hard to learn to live with that. Wherever she is, whatever circles she runs in, there are probably people who believe her side of the story - after all, they've not met me, they have no counterpoint for the vision of the monster she's made me out to be.

Learning to be ok with that was hard. But I also found it super easy to just...look at her social media accounts every now and then. Tempting even. I did it a lot. Even now, writing this, I feel a curiosity and a temptation to look again. And I think I know where it comes from. A part of me still wants to see her regret her choices or be humbled. It's hard to look at someone who hurt you that badly and not still feel pained or a little angry.

But the best thing I ever did was block her from everything. I don't see stuff from her anymore. It doesn't solve everything, and of course, it took work to get past that reality.

But it has helped a lot.

unavoidable that you will be the villain in someone else's story. You will be painted in an unfavorable light. You will be the irredeemable one. and all of this will happen despite how nice you might usually be or how kind or how respectful or how warm. and you will just have to move on.

[earnestly-endlessly]

*flies in like magneto* can i get some exes to lovers™?

Do I have some exes to lovers fics for you? Yes I certainly do. It seems that the cherik fandom loves some exes to lovers cherik and I don't blame anyone because this ship really calls for all the angst. I hope you enjoy this list.

Exes to Lovers AU

Bound – FuryRed

Summary: Is there anything worse than someone else’s wedding? Well, perhaps your sister’s wedding- where the groom just has to invite his boss and that man just happens to be your ex-boyfriend; a person you had an extremely passionate and tumultuous relationship with that ended badly.

Charles hadn’t seen Erik for a year by the time Raven had told him about the wedding. He wasn’t looking forward to the occasion, particularly when Raven explained that they would be celebrating the event with a two-week extravaganza at a luxury hotel, meaning that Charles would be forced to spend a whole fortnight with the man who he’d given everything to; the man who had ultimately broken his heart…

Preheat to 350 (just for you remix) – ikeracity

Summary: Charles realizes he's in love with Erik. But there's one tiny little problem: he just broke up with Erik.

Thread Through a Needle – Black_Betty

Summary: Erik and Charles are broken up. Neither of them want to be.

Carry Me Anew (Frost & Darkholme Remix) – kianspo

Summary: While working as a model for Raven and Emma's clothing line, Erik experiences a strong attraction to his shoot partner. These things happen, except Erik has a boyfriend, who does not take this at all well.

Linger like a tattoo kiss – ikeracity

Summary: Six months apart gives Erik a lot of time to think about what he really wants.

(Erik's POV from Carry Me Anew (Frost & Darkholme Remix) by kianspo)

Symphysis – ikeracity

Summary: After Charles and Erik broke up four months ago, Charles convinced himself he'd never see Erik again. But life has a funny way of bringing people back together.

Call/Response – phalangine

Summary: Charles and Erik have a real conversation for the first time since breaking up. Charles is looking to avoid confrontation. Erik is not.

Regression Therapy – Fantine_Black

Summary: O, God, he’d made a terrible mistake. Whatever he’d expected to find here, Erik was still Erik, a man he’d moved continents to avoid. In retrospect, that felt like a rather good idea…

Four years after Charles walked away from Professor Lehnsherr, the two meet again for a drink.

Because things are better the second time round, aren't they?

Forever is Only a Drunk Dial Away – bettysofia

Summary: Charles is sad and drunk and stalking Erik's Instagram.

Shop Space – Caradee

Summary: Charles and Erik break up but still meet at their favorite coffee shop and manage a completely friendly relationship. The kids who work the coffee shop don't understand it, Charles' overprotective twin brother doesn't understand it, and even Charles doesn't understand it. Then, Erik shows up with a new date, someone who seems to be everything that Charles is not.

How will the Professor handle the surprising heartbreak that comes seeing Erik with someone else?

Mutant House at Dead Kings College – mabyn

Summary: When it comes to romance, Charles has terrible timing.

Can You Feel My Heart – FuryRed

Summary: Erik Lehnsherr hates Charles Xavier.

It’s as true as the words written on the wall in the bathroom at the university that Erik attends. Erik sees them one day- accompanied by a crude drawing of Erik and Charles glaring at each other- and recognises the truth of the sentence, and smiles.

He hates Charles.

Probably…

Believe (One More Time) – luninosity

Summary: For the prompt, Charles and Erik dated during college and had a bitter break-up right before graduation. It's five years later and they both meet again at their class's reunion for a weekend. Someone was even stupid enough to have them room with each other for the weekend...

Old Flame Burning – TurtleTotem

Summary: It's ridiculous for Charles to dread meeting the best man at his sister's wedding, just because he shares a name with Charles's ex. It's not as though it could possibly be the same Erik.

Don’t speak to the bartender – Wild_Imagination

Summary: Logan is a bartender, it's a gloomy evening, and in his bar there's someone with a broken heart. But this is not a movie.

Right?

Somewhere I’m Going & Have Never Been Before – Yahtzee

Summary: In late December 1984, Charles falls victim to the terrible pandemic sweeping across the globe. He's sick, probably dying, and utterly alone in an isolated cabin...until he's not.

Walking in a Winter Wonderland – TurtleTotem

Summary: Charles hasn't seen Erik since their devastating breakup ten years ago. He's certainly the last person he expects to run into at a Christmas lights display.

Lean On Me – SpiritsFlame

Summary: Ten years ago, Charles and Erik split up, dividing their six kids between them. None of them expect them to meet at summer camp. And no one could have predicted the results.

It was a yellow umbrella spring – ikeracity

Summary: Three years after Charles left for Oxford, Erik discovers that Charles is coming back to New York.

Second chances are wonderful things.

My heart above my head – annejumps

Summary: Emma thinks her coworker Erik and her friend and fellow telepath Charles should get together. No one expects things to get so intense so quickly.

The Edge of What Doesn’t End – populuxe

Summary: When a mysterious object appears on the moon, Moira MacTaggert calls in two experts with very specific mutations to investigate.

Unfortunately for everyone involved, after years of breaking up and getting back together again, those two experts have finally broken up for good—and they’re the last people in the world who should be stuck together on a spaceship.

Exit Wounds – LemonadeGarden

Summary: It's been eight months since Charles and Erik had a fight that broke apart their marriage. When a mutant rights protest goes awry and Charles begins to get sick, past memories and present obstacles begin to blur the lines of their ideological differences.

Alternatively: Charles and Erik learn how to fall in love again in troubled times.

Note: Unfinished

11 Days, 8 Hours and 12 Minutes (or Bruises, Stupidity and Anger Management) – ximeria

Summary: For six months, Erik and Charles have been the disgustingly happy couple of the school. Considering their pigheadedness and general communication skills (or lack thereof), things are bound to go boom at some point.

Moon Song – ikeracity

Summary: Werewolf AU. When Charles is captured by hunters, Erik and his pack go after him. It turns out there might be some room for redemption left for both of them after all.

I will Never Stop Loving You – swoopswoop

Summary: Erik and Charles split up three years ago but Erik never really got over it and then one day when the man who walked out of his life three years ago is walking down the street towards him, Erik sees an opportunity to mend fences.

Please leave your message after the tone – ikeracity

Summary: Spending his evening getting shitfaced and pining over Erik seems like a totally productive use of Charles's time. Luckily, it turns out to be a better idea than it sounds.

When the Spell Breaks – kianspo

Summary: Erik, a high-profile lawyer with a successful career, meets a 21-year-old grad student in a bar, and within a few short months marries him. He and Charles are blissfully happy, until Erik's boss runs a background check on Charles and discovers he's been cheating on Erik. Charles denies everything, as there was no affair, but Erik doesn't believe him and throws him out. As Charles tries to figure out how to survive and stay at school that he can no longer afford and makes a lot of bad if not plain dangerous choices, Erik has to fight his own battle of discovering the truth and winning Charles back.

We have not touched the stars, nor are we forgiven (the things you love don’t last remix) – hllfire

Summary: Charles hands Erik the signed divorce papers, but Erik has changed his mind. Too late, it seems. All he can do is go forward with the divorce.

A year later, Charles comes back, and Erik can't help but wanting to see him. The only problem is things don't go like Erik had planned.

Suddenly There’ll Be a Blizzard (Let it Snow Remix) – kianspo

Summary: Charles was never at his best while jetlagged, but locking himself out in a snowstorm while barely dressed might be a new low. The last thing he expected was to be rescued by his high school nemesis, the man he hadn't seen in over ten years, who might have broken his heart for good once upon a time.

Write this number down (you can call it anytime) – pocky_slash

Summary: When Erik upsets his children, they have a habit of running away from home--and straight to Charles' school for cookies and consolation. Charles doesn't mind the visitors, but as they appear more and more frequently, he realizes that sooner or later, he and Erik are going to have to talk about what happened on the beach and what it means for their future and the future of Erik's children.

All we do is break up (and make up) – Stuckyl0v3r

Summary: "So instead of making the most out of this next months, because you don't know where either of you is going to end up, you decided to stay away from each other to get used to the feeling?" Hank summed up, stopping in front of the class. Charles nodded his head confidently and beamed at him, but somehow his smile didn't reach his eyes.

"Yes, something like that."

Well, that was the most idiotic plan Hank's ever heard.

Three wheels of cheese and a Great White – ximeria

Summary: Charles and Erik were friends with benefits in college.

They went their separate ways and 18 years later, they run into each other in New York.

The sex was never a problem back in college - and sex was all it had been. But now Erik is a divorced father and Charles has admitted to himself he needs more than just sex in a relationship. So in their usual round-about way they try to navigate becoming friends after so many years. The whole quest is aided by Raven, Edie, Wanda and Pietro (and a large number of shark jokes).

[heywardsarchive]

Lie to me

Summary: Draco pushed away his love and watched her move on as his heart broke more and more.

Warnings: angst , fem reader

word count: 2.9k + 

Listen to lie to me by 5 seconds of summer to feel the story more. Memories are in italics

thanks to the amazing @pregnant-piggy​ for proofreading this!

this is for @iliveiloveiwrite​‘s writing challenge! im sorry it took so long prompt is in bold.

**** Draco regretted that day more than anything in his life. He pushed away the only light in his dark life. He remembered the day as if it was yesterday although it happened more than 6 months ago.

"Draco! Stop." Y/n told him as he walked away from her. He ignored her and continued walking. He had a mission to fullfil. Nothing could stop him. Lost in his thoughts, he didn't hear y/n run toward him. "Draco Lucius Malfoy you listen to me right now." "What y/n! I have places to be." "Yeah. Of course you do. Never have time for me. YOUR GIRLFRIEND!" "You are not the only person in my life y/n." Draco said rubbing the bridge of his nose.  "Alright then. I'm not going to be in your life anymore." She told him, eyes watering slightly. "We're done." She turned around, her hair slapping Draco in the face.

6 months ago Draco was still a dumb fifth year. Now as a sixteen year old who had been given a deadly task, he was drowning in his own head even more. He walked into the great hall and sat down on his seat at the Slytherin table. His eyes unconsciously drifted to the gryffindor table where y/n sat with him. Him being Dean Thomas. They started dating about a month ago and she looked happy. Happier then she was with him.

Draco sat at his table poking at his food, not really eating. His eyes couldn't help but keep flitting back to her. He watched as y/n rested her head on Dean's shoulder and giggled at something he said. She never smiled that big when she was with him. She did infact. In the beginning of their relationship was quite sweet. When Draco asked her out her face lit up and her smile was so bright, it could rival the sun.

"Hey y/n!" Draco came up behind y/n while they both left their shared transfiguration class. "Hi Draco, what's up?" He looked a bit flustered and rubbed the back of his neck. "I uh had to ask you something." "Ask away." She smiled at him and Draco swore he almost got blown away by the beauty of the girl in front of him. "Will you uh go out with me?" She were slightly shocked to see the Draco Malfoy nervous. But at the same time y/n was delighted! She had been crushing on him for a few months after all. "Yes ofcourse I will!"

Draco almost did a happy dance on the spot. (He actually did) Y/n laughed at him and leaned in to give him a kiss on the cheek, but Draco turned his head and she accidentally kissed his lips. She pulled away immediately looked completely red and flustered. "Sorry that didn't mean to happen, I'm so sorry i-" Draco cut her off with another kiss. A proper one this time. She ran her fingers through his hair as his cupped her cheeks. "See you in hogsmeade." She smiled and left. Draco was never happier in his life.

Today Draco decided to stay back, not going to hogsmeade in order to try and find a way to complete the task given to him, for if he failed he would suffer. Very badly. He sat in the courtyard watching happy couples and students walk toward the carriages. He held in his hand a paper with everything he had thought of. They weren't very good plans. Draco didn't want to actually kill Dumbledore, but he had to pretend to do so.

Y/n walked past him clinging on to Dean's arm, Seamus walking beside them. Draco had never hated anyone more than he hated Dean Thomas at that very moment. He wanted nothing more than to strangle him and pull y/n into his arms and kiss her again. But he knew he couldn't. She didn't love him anymore. He wished she did. He wanted to ask her. He wanted to hear the words leave her lips, even if it was a lie.

He stood up quickly, dropping his things in the process. She looked toward him looking for the source of the noise. Their eyes met for a split second before she looked away. He had never wanted to see such hurt and malice in her eyes, especially when looking at him. But he did what he did and nothing could change it now.

Draco decided to walk to the astronomy tower where it would be silent. He sat down looking out of the window. His first date with y/n was here in the tower...

"Draco! Where we going?" Y/n asked him, giggling slightly. "Shh love, you'll get to know soon enough." He held on to her hand tighter and brought her to the astronomy tower. He had set up an elaborate dinner on a picnic mat with the help of the house elves. "Wow, Draco I, this is amazing!" She turned around and kissed him passionately. "Anything for you lovely." She giggled.

They sat down on the mat and enjoyed each other's presence. "You remembered my favourite food!" She said, holding draco's cheek. "Ofcourse I did." He kissed her palm and they continued eating the excellent meal. After they were done, they lay on the mat and looked at the stars. " Thankyou Draco. The date was amazing. But next time, let me spoil you instead." He smiled. "Oh darling, that won't be possible when you're with me." She simply tightened her grip on his hand.

Draco shook his head, pushing away the memory. It hurt too much. He had to get out of the tower. Everything reminded him of her. He ran out of the door, tears slowly falling down his cheek. He didn't know where he was going, he just went where his feet took him. He ended up on the seventh floor. There wasn't much there. He saw a door and opened it. The room was large, filled with chairs and tables. In the centre there was a cupboard. The vanishing cabinet. He finally had a good plan but he didn't know if he wanted to execute it.

He sat in the room for a while pondering his choices and decisions. He shed a few tears and as he sat, his gaze on the cupboard, he wondered if he could ever get over y/n. He could never hate her, no. It was not her fault and he still loved her. Love, it's a strong word. He remembered the first time they said it to each other and felt his heart break a tiny bit.

It was the last hogsmeade weekend before break and Draco and y/n walked hand in hand in the snow. Christmas was coming soon and they were yet to buy gifts. "Alright dray, you go your way and I'll go mine, we'll meet near the three broomsticks after one hour alright?" "Ok." He pulled y/n against him and kissed her cold lips. "Bye." She giggled pushing him away.

That evening, the two of them sat togetherness and wrapped all of their gifts. Draco's looked very neat and had no creases. "How is yours so neat?" Y/n said, her eyes wide. "Mother made sure I had the skill of wrapping gifts and unwrapping them with class since I was about 6." She nodded and looked at her own gifts. They weren't that bad, they were just a bit messy at the edges. "It's ok love, what matters is the sentiment." He smiled lovingly at the girl in front of him.

The next morning, they were leaving for the home. At the breakfast table, y/n had brought down draco's gift for him. "I wanted to see your reaction when you opened it." He felt so loved by the small gesture. He opened the wrapping paper and in it was a small ring, shaped like a snake. "I charmed it so that you could come to know if I was happy or sad or whatever. And with my ring I can come to know about you." She smiled triumphantly showing Draco her ring that was shaped like a flower vine. "It will turn pink for in love, red for angry, blue for sad, yellow for happy and you get the picture." Draco's heart swelled with happiness. He knew she was the one for him, or atleast he thought at that point of time. "I love you." He blurted out. Y/n's face turned red and Draco thought he messed up. "I'm so sorry, you don't need to say it back. I-" she cut him off and kissed him. "I love you too silly." Draco sighed in relief and kissed her once again. "Come on let's go now, or we'll miss the train." The ring glew pink.

Draco remembered that old memory that occured around a year or more ago. He pulled out the ring from the chain around his neck. It was silver, there was no glow coming from it, mostly because there was no connection to it anymore. He put the ring away, wiped his tears and walked away.

*****

Draco spent most of his time in sixth year locked in myrtles bathroom. He had finally fixed the vanishing cabinet. He didn't know if he was happy or sad about it. Today was the day the death eaters would break into Hogwarts and watch him kill Dumbledore. He wanted to warn y/n to stay away from the astronomy tower, but he'd have to confess in that case. He knew she didn't love him anymore, why was he afraid of disappointing her? He knew she fell out of love way before they broke up.

They were constantly fighting and blowing each other off a few months before y/n broke things off with him. "Not now y/n." It was mostly Draco. She did try mend things but there are things that cannot be fixed. Their relationship was one of them. Draco watched her fall out if love with him, though he didn't pay much attention to it. He was far too caught up in his own head. Yes, he loved her, but that wasn't enough. His ring rarely glew pink they way it used to. He knew their breakup was inevitable but nothing could have prepared him for it.

He stood with his wand in his trembling hand. He disarmed Dumbledore, but could not bring it in him to kill the old headmaster. He closed his eyes and pictured her face. She would hate him even more if he went through with his task. He started lowering his wand when Snape walked in front of him killing Dumbledore instead. Everything that happened after was a blur. He was being dragged by the arm with Snape as they left Hogwarts grounds. He was apparated home where the dark lord.

He spent a large portion of the year alone in his room. The rest of the house was far too gloomy for him. He had no company and no privacy. He fiddled with the trinkets lying around his room, not paying attention to the screams from below. They were a regular occurrence and Draco had learned to tune them out.

That was until one day, he heard a familiar sound. He knew he had heard that voice before. It was screaming obscene words and cries. He ran out of his room and looked at the living room below. There in the mercy of his wretched aunt Bellatrix, lay the only girl he had truly ever loved. He wanted to call out her name, but that would only bring her more pain.

So he waited. They threw her in the dungeon after a few hours of torture. Draco wanted to go see her but he was probably the last person she wanted to see. It was a few days later when he was given the task of bringing meals to the prisoners that he faced her after nearly two years. He silently went about his task. He placed the plate in front of her. He wanted to say sometimes, anything but no sound came.

He was about to get up and leave when she stopped him. "Draco, wait." He looked at y/n and took in her appears. Her face was scarred and thin. She looked pale and weak. But she was anything but in his eyes. "You don't look too happy." She said. "I'm not. But there's nothing anyone can do to help me." He croaked out. They sat in silence for a few minutes. "I feel like you want to tell me something." She said suddenly. "Why?Why did you leave ?" He said. "Oh Draco." Y/n shook her head. "Didn't you see we were bad for each other? I loved you and so I let you go. I didn't know what was going on in your head because you didn't let me in. I thought we lost that spark, which indeed we had. I know it hurt at first but look, here we are now. Sitting in a dungeon. Draco, I loved you. But that's in the past now. We have to hope for new beginnings and a better life. Maybe one day, if I survive this, I'll start my own bakery." She sighed wistfully. Draco took it as his cue to leave. "Take care.' he said patting her hand.

About a month later, Harry Potter was caught and brought to Malfoy manor. He and Ron and Hermione managed to break out the prisoners and escape to a safe place. Draco only hoped that y/n were safe and alive.

The next time Draco saw y/n was at the battle of Hogwarts. She was fighting a death Eater when another three a curse at her from behind.  "No!" Draco cried he threw y/n out of the way and saved her from possible death. "You're ok." She said softly. "I'm ok." Draco nodded. He grabbed her hand. "For what its worth, I'm truly sorry." She sighed and shook her head. "It's alright now."

******

The war was over. Harry Potter had won. Everyone could finally breathe a sigh of relief, not him though. Due to draco's families affiliation with the dark lord, he would most probably be shunned the rest of his life. He walked into the great hall and looked as all the happy couples reunited, siblings and parents found each other. Everyone had someone to be with after the war.

Draco watched y/n as she burst through the door and ran straight into Dean's arms. He couldn't but wish it were him instead. He shed a few tears and left. He didn't know where he was going but he had to leave.

****** 6 years later

Draco did leave, he travelled to France, Spain, Greece and Ireland. He stayed in small cottages that he rented in every small town he stayed in. He tried dating occassionally but he never really felt anything like he felt for y/n. He worked in a bakery in one of the towns he lived in (I used to work in a bakery hehe) he learned many skills in his travels He enjoyed the change in scenery but he knew he had to return at some point.

The first place he went to once he returned was a small coffee shop which he loved since he was a child. To his surprise, he saw y/n and Dean over there. He wanted to run, but that would be rude and he did want to talk to them. "Hey." He tapped y/n's shoulder. "Oh Draco, hi!" She gave him a short hug and then he shook Dean's hand. "It's been a long time mate, we thought you disappeared." Dean told Draco jokingly. Draco smiled sheepishly. "I needed to get away for a while." "Yeah we totally get it. The war took a toll on everyone." Y/n said seriously. Draco looked at her hand. It had a shining ring on it. He felt his heart break a bit. All those years and he still wasn't able to move on. "Alright, we'll talk soon. I have to go now." Draco said. "Wait!" Y/n called out. She shared a look with Dean. He nodded. "We want you to come to our wedding. It's next week, it will be great if you came." He said.  "I'll think about it and let you know." Draco said with a small smile.

Eventually, Draco did go to the wedding. It was a small one, but it was beautiful. There were purple and white flowers everywhere and the centrepiece of the table was a small elephant with a candle in its back. As Draco sat at the back, watching the ceremony, the bride and groom saying their vows. When they were about to kiss, Draco glanced at his hand, at the snake ring he still wore. It glew yellow. He didn't know why y/n wore her side of the ring but she had and Draco could see she was happy. Maybe it was finally time to move on and be happy himself.

*****

taglist: @kashishwrites​  (send an ask to be added to my taglist!)

[hermannsthumb]

Could you do #40 cancelled holiday party? Thank you!

40. i just found out that a friend of a friend of a friend isn’t hosting their annual holiday party this year, so now how am i going to have my annual run in with you?

from winter writing prompts here

happy xmas eve, if you celebrate it!

-------------------

Newt doesn’t really have many friends, and certainly not enough to warrant a flood of party invitations come December, but for the past few years he’s been able to rely pretty consistently on at least one. Back when the band was still together, his drummer had a pretty cool girlfriend who would sometimes let them tag along as the entertainment for parties around town, and her brother (who was almost as cool as her) ended up liking the way they sounded so much he invited them back to his own parties a couple times. Then he dated Newt’s guitarist, and then he broke up with Newt’s guitarist, and then he dated Newt, and then he broke up with Newt, and it sort of fell apart from there (and so did the band), but the breakup was actually pretty amicable, and he’s never failed to extend the invitation to Newt for his annual holiday bash as a courtesy. And Newt’s never failed to make an appearance. What’s there not to like, you know? It’s free booze, free food, and the chance to not feel like a total loser loner for once. Plus…well. Another reason.

But this year isn’t looking too good for Newt.

“Sick?” Newt says. “What do you mean he’s sick?”

“I mean,” Newt’s ex-drummer says, irritably, “he’s sick. Caught the flu or something. I don’t know, Jackie just wanted me to call and tell you, she didn’t give me any details.”

“Couldn’t he have called me himself?” Newt says.

“No,” Newt’s ex-drummer says, “I told you, he has the flu, he’s totally out of it, man. Party’s off this year. Hey, did you get our Christmas card?”

“What? Oh. Yeah,” Newt sighs. He tacked it up on his fridge: the two women with their arms around each other, one pink-haired, one blue-haired, holding up their cat in the middle like it was their son or something. Clever. Quirky. Newt just makes a generic Tweet mid-December wishing everyone a happy holiday season and calls it a success—less effort. “Yeah, it was cute. It’s definitely cancelled? He can’t just, I don’t know, take some Advil or something and—”

“Newt,” she says.

“Yeah, okay, fine,” Newt says. “Tell Jackie to tell him to—get well soon? Soon enough for New Year’s, maybe? Because it would be great if—”

She hangs up on him. Newt probably deserved it.

He stalks Jackie’s brother’s Facebook for a bit after the phone call to make sure he’s not just lying about the flu to get out of inviting Newt to the holiday bash he’s definitely having. It becomes clear pretty quick it’s pretty legit—he’s made exactly one post in the last few days, and it’s a selfie of him looking absolutely horrid in his bed, advising everyone to not be like him and get their flu shots. Not lying, then. Damn it. There’s not even going to be anything for Newt to crash.

“Damn it,” Newt groans, and slams his laptop shut.

In all honesty, Newt’s not pissed about missing the party itself. He’s pissed about missing the party guests. How else is he going to have his annual spat at the snack table with his mortal enemy, Dr. Bitchy, British, Badly-Dressed Gottlieb?

Mortal enemy is too strong. Rival, maybe? Though certainly not a friendly one. He’s fond of Dr. Gottlieb, really, in some insane, backwards kinda way, like he’s a specimen Newt would love nothing more than to cram under a microscope and study up close. What makes him tick? What makes him scowl like that, yell at Newt—more or less a stranger—like that, attend the same party year after year like that only to stand in the darkest corner like a vampire and avoid every single other person? The first time they met was at the party three years ago, when Dr. Gottlieb loudly accused Newt of deliberately snagging the last cucumber finger sandwich because he somehow knew Dr. Gottlieb was eyeing it up, too, and only did it to annoy him, and it’s only gone downhill from there. Or maybe uphill. He fascinates Newt.

He’s also insanely attractive to Newt. Bitchy, British, Badly-Dressed, but, my God, what a set of cheekbones, what a set of eyes, what a big ‘ole mouth that Newt can only assume would be awesome for kissing. And only a few inches of height on Newt, too; he wouldn’t even need to stretch up that far to test out his hypothesis.

Since Newt has Facebook open, he does another search for Dr. Gottlieb—Dr. Hermann Gottlieb, technically, though he’s furious whenever Newt tries to call him anything other than his full title. If Newt was normal, he’d just shoot the guy a friend request or something. A simple message. He just stalks his page instead, which makes him feel the sting of the cancelled party even more keenly: Dr. Gottlieb doesn’t post, like, any pictures of himself, but the ones he’s been tagged in by his company and someone who appears to be his brother make it very clear very fast that he kinda just got even hotter over the year. He’s started wearing his oversized glasses on a librarian chain, and his haircut—which had always been a severe sort of undercut—has grown out up top to be adorably poofy. Tragic.

He shoots his ex-drummer a text later. Can you ask Jackie to ask about that Gottlieb guy that’s there every year? Like, what’s his deal?

The reply comes later, while Newt is reheating some leftover Chinese takeout for dinner. they’re friends w gottlieb’s younger bro. mostly invite him to be nice.

“Figures,” Newt mutters.

Well, if there won’t be a party at which to have their annual run-in, Newt is simply going to have to orchestrate a run-in himself. The first step is finding out where Gottlieb works.

Newt picks a miserable day to set his plan into action. A snowstorm swept through the city a few days prior, and before the sidewalks were even finished dethawing, a sleet storm followed and turned them into eighty-percent sheets of ice. And then more snow comes. Newt slips and slides all the way to the cafe across from Gottlieb’s humble little robotics research facility, cursing himself for not having invested in proper winter boots yet. Docs are practical and cool, but they could be warmer, and Newt’s are so old the treads are basically nonexistent. He orders himself the most expensive coffee on the menu as a reward for his troubles and claims a chair near the large shop window in front, underneath a hanging fern. He would simply wait and watch for Gottlieb to walk out. The man had to walk out eventually. Lunch break, or coffee break, or even just clocking out for the day. He had to.

“Would you like to see our sandwich menu, sir?” a waitress asks Newt. “We have a new—"

“Nah, no thanks,” Newt says. He doesn’t tear his eyes away from the window. “You don’t have to call me sir, by the way. It makes me feel old. Does a Dr. Gottlieb ever come here?”

The waitress snorts involuntarily; she flushes a second later. “Sorry,” she says. “It’s just that—yes, Dr. Gottlieb comes in a lot, and he’s kind of…”

“Awful?” Newt grins.

“Particular,” the waitress says. “He has us remake his coffee if it’s not perfect enough for him. And we have to write out the whole thing, Dr. Gottlieb, on his cup, every time. He tips really well, though, so we don’t really mind.”

“Has he come in today yet?” Newt says.

She opens her mouth as if to answer the question, but then furrows her eyebrows. “Why do you want to know, anyway? Are you guys friends?”

“Not really,” Newt says. Deciding it’s not worth the effort to explain the complex homoeroticism of his dynamic with Gottlieb, and to random waitress who probably doesn’t give a shit at that, he amends “I mean, yes. Good friends. I’ll see that sandwich menu, actually.”

Newt has a nice breakfast of avocado and egg on a bagel, and pretends to do work on his laptop for a few hours, but—to his disappointment—Dr. Gottlieb doesn’t come in for a coffee. Newt doesn’t catch sight of any familiar dark-haired, scowling men walking in or out of the institute, either. Gottlieb must have off today. Maybe it’s for the best, anyway; Newt’s not totally sure what he would’ve done if he ran into the guy on the street, or how he would have even explained why he’s there to Gottlieb if he did. He was just sort of operating under the assumption he’d figure it out in the heat of the moment. He calls it quits around three in the afternoon, not wanting to walk home in the dark after sunset. “Happy holidays,” he tells the baristas gloomily, and steps out into the snow with one last cardboard cup of coffee.

He mulls it all over in his head as he avoids ice patches and passersby on the way home. Should he ask for Dr. Gottlieb’s number? Is it weird to ask your ex, or even his sister, for the number of a guy you’re sorta-interested in? Newt supposes it’s weird to invite your ex to a holiday party in the first place, but he really wasn’t lying about it being amicable. Maybe he wouldn’t care. He could always just send that fucking Facebook friend request. Or he could just wait until next year. It’s just a year.

He’s so distracted that he doesn’t notice the patch of ice directly in front of his apartment until he’s already stepping on it, and his stomach flips in a way that lets Newt knows he’s just fucked up; his worn-out boot loses traction, his arms pinwheel, his coffee goes flying, and he lands—

In someone’s arms?

Well, even that’s not totally right. He lands mostly in someone’s arms, but he hears a little oof, an exclamation of surprise, and then they both topple over and into a snowbank. The coffee lands somewhere next to Newt’s head. “Bugger,” a familiar voice groans.

Newt sits up. Dr. Gottlieb is laying on his back next to him, wrapped in a green parka and about three scarves. To Newt’s relief, he doesn’t look angry. More embarrassed than anything else. “Apologies,” he says. “You were heavier than I’d anticipated. Or perhaps I was not as strong as I anticipated.”

“I appreciate it anyway, dude,” Newt says.

He gets to his feet, locates Gottlieb’s cane from where it’s somehow landed on the other side of the sidewalk, then tugs Gottlieb to his feet as well. Gottlieb makes a face as he rights himself. “You ought to watch yourself, and be more careful,” he says. “You could break your neck next time.”

“Worried about me?” Newt says. He dusts some snow off Gottlieb’s shoulders. “What are you doing outside my apartment, dude?”

“Er,” Gottlieb says.

He goes a strange shade of pink, and clears his throat. “I fancied…a walk. In the snow. Fresh air. And I just happened to be—er—” He clears his throat again. “I happened to discover you lived here, and my walk happened to take me by. I wasn’t looking for you, if that’s what you’re implying. Or waiting for you. I have better things to do with myself.”

“Really?” Newt says. “’Cause I was looking for you.”

“Oh,” Gottlieb says.

He really is cute right now, with his red-tipped ears, his dumb coat, his dumb scarves, the snow sticking to his back and his poofy hair. Sticking to his long eyelashes. It’s the first time Newt’s ever seen the guy not, like, at least mildly annoyed at him; it’s doing something funny to his heart. “Hey, you wanna come in for a coffee or something?” he says. “Mine kinda spilled, and I could go for another.”

“I couldn’t possibly,” Gottlieb says.

Newt grins. “Come on, I know you want to. It’s cold as shit out and you’ve clearly been out here for a while. We can order a pizza or something, too.”

“Well,” Gottlieb says, and he ducks his head as he finally smiles back. It’s worth the wait, because my God, is it cute, all broad and crooked. Newt has the feeling not too many people get to witness it. “Perhaps for a bit. I was hoping to discuss your latest article with you, you know, and was very put out when I learned I wouldn’t be seeing you at the party this year.”

“Oh?” Newt says. He holds out his hand, and Gottlieb startles visibly a moment before taking it. Newt can feel how cold Gottlieb is even through his thick red mitten—he could use a little warming up. Newt can light a fire in the fireplace he rarely uses…maybe break out some wine…it’ll be nice and romantic… “Did you like it?”

“Not in the slightest,” Gottlieb says cheerily.

“Just what I was hoping,” Newt says. “After you, Doctor.”

[notnctu]

jaemin + 18 (angst to fluff bc i think i will crY again) 🤭

ahhh thank you for requesting lovie hehehe and i didnt make this one too sad so hopefully no crying HAHAHA you can read it under the cut!

-author doie ❀

p.s. soft reminder to everyone that requests are now closed. we apologize for the wait and are doing our best to finish them all! thank you for your patience :) 

neighbor!jaemin x reader (i know it sounds weird but trust me lol) prompt #18 - “I’d be lying if I said I didn’t love you.” genre - slight angst, fluff

jaemin, the sweetest boy next door --- literally. jaemin has been your neighbor your entire life and shared fond childhood play dates together out in your front lawns, like for example, learning how to ride a bike for the first time. and you two watched each other grow up into two very beautiful individuals.

while jaemin’s family has always been kind to yours, you never really knew how to repay their generosity. in fact, they practically raised you with your parents’ busy work schedule. despite never attending the same schools, jaemin and you remained close.

when jaemin finally got his license and a car, he’d swing by your high school to drive you two home. and when you stirred awake at night, he’d come over wrapped in a blanket to keep you company. oftentimes, your families spent the holidays together because you were all simply happier with one another.

jaemin is your home, your safe haven to run back to after a long school day, your comfort to seek when times feel weary. and even though he’s oblivious to how much he means to you, you’ve pondered the thought of whether or not he feels the same.

and you wished things stayed the way they are, that change didn’t have to affect this one part of your life, that jaemin was going to be right next door whenever you wanted to see him. that your story was always going to stay open on this chapter.

for the past two months, you had been keeping a secret that eats away at you whenever you see his shining smile. your parents got amazing new job offers that required them to relocate. and so, you are moving away to someplace far, too far from jaemin.

your heart hurts at what you two could have been and the memories that could have happened. for nights, you recalled past traditions that you’ll miss continuing. but most importantly, you’ll just miss jaemin.

it’s a friendship like no other. you have best friends from school, family friends that visit here and there, but all of which go back to their respective homes several miles away. jaemin is and always has been right next to you, within reach.

while you appreciate your friends picking up your calls after the first ring, jaemin answers the door within seconds of the door bell. he’s the first to hear your bad days, your good days, horrible breakups, and experience several growing pains, some that you’ve even experienced together.

on this very saddening day, you finally have to face the truth that you’re leaving him permanently. it’s the day before the move and your house has no ounce of familiarity left. boxes line the hallway and if it isn’t telling enough, a moving van parked outside at the curb.

“judging by your expression, you bring me bad news?” jaemin leans against the door frame with his arms crossed and dressed in comfortable attire. a messy bed head that also implies that he’s been in bed the whole day.

“how can you tell just by reading my face?” you want so badly to keep a lighthearted front.

“the dip in the corners of your lips and the tiny creasing between your eyebrows.” as he pokes at the space between your brows. you sigh while diving into him and he welcomes you with a heartfelt embrace.

“we’re moving, tomorrow. my parents got a job offer someplace far.” you speak into his chest and you can feel him tense underneath your hold. there’s a long pause before he does or says anything. then, he sees the van parked on the curb and the lack of lawn decor on your side.

however, he holds you a little tighter which has you suffocating in his natural scent. “you finished packing?” and if it isn’t for the crack in his voice, you probably would have thought jaemin is unaffected by the news.

“yeah..” you trail off and when you try to pull away from the hug, he doesn’t allow for it and actually squeezes you into him more. the air is quite stiff when you hear the small sniffs and the hiccups that jump at his chest.

“i can’t tell if i’m heartbroken that you’re leaving me or...” jaemin is clearly choked up as his words fade in and out. “... that you didn’t let me help you pack.” he inhales deeply, finally pulling you away from the embrace and gripping you by the shoulders. his thumbs rub nurturing circles.

“maybe both.” jaemin’s lip quivers. but a sincere smile grows through his tears and it tugs at your heartstrings. his tear stained cheeks and wet eyelashes, the face of a sadden angel.

“i’m sorry that i didn’t tell you sooner. i couldn’t get myself too.” you are regretting the decision of telling him so late, but this is the exact thing you had wished to avoid. jaemin crying is the last thing you’ve ever wanted.

“so you lied to me about getting matching christmas lights?” jaemin scoffs jokingly, still being the playful boy that he is.

“don’t put it like that! but.. in a way, i guess.” your voice drops later in your sentence, with an apologetic gaze that dip to the side momentarily. “we can still match. i’m going to get them for the new house, i promise.”

“i don’t blame you for it.” he wipes away any remaining droplets and you blink up at him with a longing heart. “i guess i’m a liar too and now that you’re going away tomorrow, it’s now or never to tell you the truth.”

“you didn’t actually want to get the lights?” jaemin laughs warmly at your clueless, puzzled question. his hands drop down to intertwine with yours, and your heart pounds at your rib cage.

he shakes his head, “i’d be lying if i said i didn’t love you.” you’re speechless, stunned at his confession. na jaemin, the boy next door, just told you he loves you. all this time when you looked at him with an aching heart, he looked back at you with fondness.

you can barely process this news, but jaemin is moving all too fast. he’s pulling you in for another hug, he’s saying his final words. it’s like your book caught the wind, and it’s flipping rapidly through the pages.

“wait, jaemin!” you stop him as he’s midway through saying goodbye. “i don’t know if what i feel for you is love, but ... i know it’s very close to that. i like you so much and all this time, i was prepping myself to let you go. mainly because i was moving away, but also because i wouldn’t have guess you liked me back.”

“i told you when we were twelve that i had a crush on you...” he looks slightly offended, but of course, it’s him being over dramatic and maintaining the humorous friendship you two shared.

“we were twelve!” you throw your hands in frustration at his ridiculous statement.

“and it never went away.” he smiles, pinching your cheek gently. “instead, my feelings for you only grew stronger.”

“but you’ve had relationships throughout the years...”

he rolls his eyes, “..and what am i now? single and still hung up on my neighbor, who is now moving away and taking my heart along too.”

“you’re no better. you didn’t re-confess your feelings until now!” you stomp, but jaemin thinks you’re absolutely adorable.

he pats your head and says softly, “i thought i had more time.” the single line drills a crack in your heart. “but... i just had an epiphany.”

and jaemin’s smile heals once again, gluing the breakage back together to make you whole. “i’m going to love you no matter where you are.” and you fall into him like a sacred place that will always catch you. jaemin feels like home. jaemin is your home.

[valaks]

Hey Valaks! I love your blog and your writing!

Please could you do 1, 10 and 18 for the writing asks?? 🌺

Thank you for the ask! I have added a cut to hopefully not be that person clogging up the feed XD

1. Tell us about your current project(s) – what’s it about, how’s progress, what do you love most about it?

I have a few collabs outstanding like Gemini and a Kabir/Alex sequel to Reunion (It’s rated T at the most so still kid friendly) with Lupin and Devil Went Down to Georgia with Galimau. My utter love for both of my collab partners for pulling me through at a time when I’ve been really struggling. I have a WIPs List but I’ll confess to not having touched most of them in quite sometime (partly from life, partly because I’m not sure how interesting they’d be to anyone else other than me which influences my writing more than I would like to admit):

Good Intentions: Smithers never thought he’d be anyone’s moral compass, he was no angel to sit in anyone’s shoulder but trying to keep Alex Rider from following in the ruthless footsteps of his father or worse his former handler, Alan Blunt is as close to hell as he can imagine. (Wherein Alex becomes head of MI6 we watch his morality slip away form the eyes of an increasingly frustrated and heartbroken Smithers - it all culminates when Alex uses a child “just as an informant, simple information gathering” but hidden behind the charming smile of John Rider and the brutal coldness of Alan Blunt’s words is Alex Rider dying as he says them (Smithers just hopes there’s still a part of the boy he once knew in there to mourn)

Walk the Line: Alex thought he was done with SCORPIA. But they kept creeping back into his life in the most unexpected of ways. He thought he could at least count on it being on the other side until he gets teamed up with Walker, his former classmate and current CIA spy. Unfortunately he still hasn’t been able to figure out whose side Walker is really on - attempted deep cover op like his dad, repatriated rogue spy back on the “good” side, or SCORPIA double agent? He doesn’t know but at least he’s nice....in that obnoxious American way.

Temperamental: (Sequel to Sentimental which isn’t all that popular and you would need to read it for the sequel but basically amnesiac Yassen whose memories stop pre John’s betrayal set during the Stormbreaker mission and features him trying to come to grips with the use of chemical weapons against children and how to handle Alex once he snaps back to reality which is where this starts) Yassen had promised Alex Rider that he would be safe from the world of spying but fate had other ideas. In the days after Sarov’s failed plan, Yassen scrambles to find where MI6 have hidden his wayward charge without drawing Rothman’s attention. A request from one of their existing clients to look into suspicious activity at his son’s former school prompts Yassen to investigate under the guise of offering security. He should have known where there was trouble there would be Alex.

10. How would you describe your writing process?

Lordy do I ever not have a good answer for this. Typically it involves an idea hitting me and then the determination: would this idea work better as a short to post on tumblr (because the set up would take away the tension or would require a multi chapter which is not really my strength), as a prompt to lob out into the ether for someone better and brighter to touch on, or a fic. Once fic is decided I determine whose perspective the fic would be the most interesting from either because it would create the most tension or their internal monologue/background knowledge would add the most to it. Then the summary is written and a title is chosen. If it’s something I’m really passionate about and I already have it in my head I tend to write it all in one go, if there’s more I need to chew on then it’s a series of dates with the Evil Writing App. The final determination is whether it’s good enough for Valaks or if it gets sent to an alt account.

18. Do any of your stories have alternative versions? (plotlines that you abandoned, AUs of your own work, different characterisations?) Tell us about them.

Allegedly. I’ll try to go in order of posting -

Ruthless has a sequel where Alex just goes *quiet* once the initial dust as settled it’s unnerving to everyone because they’re not used to having to wonder just what Alex is thinking, at least not behind closed doors but what happened isn’t exactly something that can be recovered from easily, not when Alex isn’t sure who all’s in on it no matter what they’ve told him. Failure is the AU where I considered what would happen to Alex to make him want to torture.

Alibi was originally going to have Yassen show up in the end but I found it far more fascinating if MI6 was just testing Alex so out went Yassen and in went Ben. The sequel to it was torn apart and turned into Warm Reception because I wanted to trope flip SCORPIA comes to Brooklands and decided that it was more logical to have a small fight in Mrs. Bedfordshire’s lobby than anywhere else and I wanted to explore some side characters instead of Ben.

Providence’s sequel thoughts ended up inspiring Gentleman’s Agreement but I did write a small short for it “Yassen and Alex encounter each other on mission. Surprisingly they are working to mostly the same goal - Yassen needs to kill the millionaire who Alex needs to get information from. “I suppose I could answer some questions for you, Sasha. /In Russian/“ “Is now really the time for a language lesson?” he ground out in frustration but the man pointedly ignored him “/Fine but I don’t know some of the words/“ “/Then there is no better way to learn/“

I mentioned the Sentimental sequel but changing Sarov to come first and probable for almost a month before Yassen figures out he’s missing made the most sense. It was also a bit of fun at the Yassen would absolutely take Alex away from MI6....just to throw him in a school and throw away the key. Almost had him send him to Point Blanc but decided that wouldn’t quite fit all that well and wouldn’t be as interesting as if Alex had already gotten his feet back under him with MI6 and now sees that Yassen was right that MI6 would just use him until he’s dead but that doesn’t mean Alex wants to be anywhere near Yassen. Julia Rothman might have other ideas when she finds out what her newest second in command is hiding.

Gentleman’s Agreement.....there’s a lot of thoughts on Sequels and AUs, a lot of them have been written by better people, but that fic was written in 45 minutes so there wasn’t much time to recharacterize or change scenes. It did get Turncoat aka the Alex saves Yassen fic I wanted so badly.

Blood Brothers is a fic I really worked hard on considering how John would feel about his son being thrown into SCORPIA assuming Alex was of age. A rocky marriage was characterization that didn’t quite fit what I imagined would have happened but did fit the story so it stayed in. It was a fic that was supposed to get expanded on - the competition between Hunter and Yassen and Nile and Alex who is desperate to beat his Dad and his “apprentice”. I think two teenagers thrown against each other with a bit of a bone to pick, especially Yassen and Alex who can both hold a grudge even if one runs hot and the other runs cold, would have been compelling and a little fun but the premise and specifically John’s characterization doesn’t quite work out to me.

Found and Legends both have their plotting done but it’ll never see the light of day

Little Moments and Sweetest Thing were my guilty pleasure writing pieces for a while and I have about 1000 DMs of scenes for both of them that are lost to the sands of time and an embarrassing amount of self indulgence

Mates has a follow up ending for those who needed resolution in the comments of it. I’m not sure I did a good job of showing that Tom was in a semi abusive relationship since a lot of people seemed to blame him for him and Alex’s breakup. Most of my headcanons for how their relationship goes have them splitting much sooner just because of Tom’s own home life and either being unable to relate/talk to Alex and drifting away because his Mom throwing a plate at his head isn’t being hung over crocodiles but that doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt or because Alex is just too dangerous/jumpy to be thrown back into a school environment and lashes out even unintentionally especially not under the pressure of being seen as a failure. School is also a barometer of just how much he’s lost of himself and his childhood, bonus points for Alex being completely upfront with Tom about everything he’s done

In My Sights has an AU where this is all post Christmas at Gunpoint and Yassen is there because he knows Ian is already at Sayle’s factory and will have to be...handled. So two weeks of just getting Alex trained for the protection he might need, connecting him to resources, etc. Ian finding out that Yassen had been there was part of a draft at one point which was included Alex wondering about an all too sincere goodbye from Ian “who never hugged him” but I can’t find the snippet anymore ;__;

A Warm Reception was an alternate version. Originally I wanted it to be Alex watching his last chance at normality slip from his fingers and then the crushing realization that it was something that was his own doing, not even MI6 but Skoda who he had picked a fight with and the accompanying breakdown but then decided that Mrs. Bedfordshire was the right way to go upon writing the summary. Because everyone loves some Outsider POV

Adopted was supposed to be a one chapter throw away trope flip of K Unit adopts Alex. I kept it pretty consistent with Amitai and Lil Lupin’s K Units, tried to add in some more characterization just in how they treated some of the details. It has an alt ending/chapter where they find out Alex is Cub when they pull him from Three’s tender mercies almost by accident. I was persuaded into light humored fluff via guilt trip.

The Truth and Other Deadly Weapons has Ben acting exactly like he think he would in front of everyone but my AU was that this interaction happened in the field and absolutely shattered Ben’s trust in him partly because he had worked for the other side and partly because even if it ‘wasn’t as bad as it looks’ it showed a severe lack of judgment. It also featured several chapters of Alex running into the glass ceiling that is having “Member Malogosto Class of 2004” on your resume. Was going to feature Alex running into Walker as well and into problems within MI6 and the CIA but that was eventually cut and it was kept to one chapter.

Guardian....Guardian holds a very special place in my heart. I was given the prompt of a Monster Fic and I wrote what I knew but the interesting parts were all the ones that come after the story but might come across to a general audience as Hogwarts School of Prayers and Miracles. The plotting done post this was going to feature baby Angel Alex reuniting with his parents but...they were strangers to him and so he stayed with Yassen more and more, followed him, learned from him....it encompassed everything from the dynamics of broken families to reflections on theology and references from the Good Book....which is why it’ll never see the fandom but has a very special place in my heart.

In another, more perfect world Glocking Around the Christmas Tree is the Die hard fic this fandom deserves but as Lupin and I untangled the plot of the movie more and more we just couldn’t make it into anything that would be coherent on paper so it was changed and changed and is now a half finished sad abomination that sits on my works list only because Lupin would kill me if I took it down.

Hot Shot was supposed to feature my current favorite character that is not Nile Abara, John Crawley but I wimped out and changed it at the end because I swore I would write the Crawley fic that we all need. Hear me out: John Crawley knew and worked with John and Ian Rider, was respected by both of them, was recruited by SCORPIA within one year in the field, is the Chief of Staff of MI6, the man who “no one gets a knife in the back without him signing off” and is also the man who walks his dog to check on Alex. There’s a mentorship waiting to happen there, preferably in a nice work study program during college where Alex finally gets to see the repercussions of his missions and Crawley helps try and pull him back from the black mark that SCORPIA would have put on him.

My personal fluffy favorite is the spinoff of Devil Went Down to Georgia where Joe Byrne did pull Alex out post Skeleton Key and brought him home. There’s a pretty extended one about where Tom ends up after Mates. There’s also an actual sequel but ask me no questions and all.

Skipping a few collabs and Febuwhump fics but Burning Questions was just supposed to be Branded - a fic where upon being captured by Razim he is brought in and forcibly branded to differentiate the appearances of Alex and Julius (since Razim has decided to have him killed after shooting the Secretary of State). As a result of the pain levels spiking when Alex actually sees that the SCORPIA logo is branded onto his cheek Razim considers that emotional pain might be something to investigate. There’s a couple thousand words on it, one day I might polish it up.

First Impressions is supposed to be a mirror verse of Alex working for MI6 which includes Three as Blunt, Rothman as Jones and of course Sagitta as K Unit while he’s up against his father as Yassen and Yassen as Crawley. But it was cut down significantly even if the ideas are pretty fun to consider.

Sorry this was probably more than you bargained for but it was fun to get everything out there so thank you for asking

[waywardodysseys]

Unconditionally - Chapter Two

Warnings: fluff, cussing, slow burn/foreplay, SMUT

Word count: 4.4k

Author’s note: because everyone deserves to be loved unconditionally; part 2 of ?; sorry not sorry for this; enjoy!!!

Unconditionally: Chapter 1

The maître d’ at The River Café in Brooklyn guides you and Pedro to your table, which is nestled in a corner in front of the expansive window with its magnificent view of the NYC skyline and the Brooklyn Bridge. The city at night is before you across the East River. You had never seen the city like this before from this angle. It was a beautiful sight to behold – like the man who was mere inches away from you.

The ambiance of the restaurant is romantic, serene. Piano music plays softly throughout the dining room. You had sneaked some peaks at other people, wondering if they knew who was sitting beside you. If they did, they kept to themselves. Everyone was focused on their food, the view, or the person sitting across from them.

Once you began glancing over the menu, a waiter approaches the table in a formal uniform of a white dress top, black tie and black pants. “Good evening. May I start you two out with something to drink?”

You wanted no alcohol. “Just water please. With lemon.”

“Same,” Pedro states.

After the waiter is gone you glance sideways at Pedro who is sitting next to you, not across. “If you wanted a cocktail it doesn’t bother me.”

“I want to look at you with clear eyes.”

Where is that fucking water?, you think as you smile at Pedro. A wave of heat courses through your body. You are not prepared for this, for him. Oh, god.

“You and Kendrick met with Netflix?”

You clear your throat, “yes.”

Pedro smiles. “How was it?”

“Good.” You say as the waiter sets down the glass of water. You reach for it and take a big gulp. “They want to start shooting in March. Kendrick is setting up meetings with directors, casting agents. We have four episodes already penned. I just need to finish the last two.”

“What’s the show about?”

“Families. Drama. Death. Love. You know, basically everything that defines a dysfunctional family.” You take a sip of water.

“Do you plan on being around for majority of the filming?” Pedro asks.

“Some of it. I’ve been hired to work on the last couple of episodes for Dearly Beloved.”

“You started there, didn’t you?”

“Yes. They reached out to me even before they announced the final season. They feel I can give everyone a good send off.”

The waiter reappears. “Ready to order?”

“Amish Chicken.” You say lightly.

“I’ll have the Niman Ranch Strip Steak,” Pedro says.

The waiter smiles and nods, grabs your menus and walks away.

Pedro reaches into your lap and grabs your hand, interlacing his fingers with yours. Your eyes are focused on the sweat from the water glass as he leans over and presses his head against yours.

You want to shriek back; you were never one for PDA. Your free hand fidgets with the silverware on the table because your nerves had been on overdrive. But his touch keeps you calm. Your nerves had stopped dancing once he held your hand in his.

“Y/N,” Pedro whispers.

You swallow and breathe. His voice is kind, you hear the light hint of his accent more clearly. He could say your name over and over, and you would never tire of hearing it. You know if you speak your voice will squeak. The heat pulsating through your body makes you feel overly warm in the dress you are wearing. How could this man be so allured by you?

The piano music stops for a moment. The next melody it begins to play is the same one you and Pedro had danced to at the night of the Christmas party.

Once the notes become familiar to you, you glance at Pedro. “Please don’t ask me to dance.”

With his free hand, Pedro grabs your chin, strokes your jawline with his thumb. His touch is sending additional waves of electricity through your veins as your heart bumps rapidly inside of your chest. “Your heart is pounding Y/N.”

“I, uh,” you pause. “No man has ever been so…intrigued by me before. It’s a little overwhelming.”

“Do you want me to stop?”

Never. “No.”

“Have you been hurt in the past?”

“We are all broken Pedro. In one way or another.” You whisper.

“How badly?”

“He believed someone else over me. And we were together for six years. We were engaged too.”

“When did this all happen? The breakup?”

“Last March.” You look down. “Kendrick cancelled everything for a week to be by my side. My roommate was there for me too. Those two are the closest people to me besides my family. I don’t think I would’ve survived, moved on if it weren’t for them.”

“If I am going too fast, please let me know. I don’t want to rush into this unless you know you are ready.” Pedro says as he presses his forehead to yours. “I want you to know if you fall, I will catch you.”

You appreciate Pedro’s honesty. You feel in your gut his words are sincere, you also feel he doesn’t want to hurt you because he’s enamored with you. You know you are ready. It’s been ten months and you were ready to dive back into dating. “I told you I was ready to dive in,” you reach out and cup his cheek.

Pedro grins, “well hopefully not into the East River because it would be freezing!”

You laugh and smile as he places a chaste kiss against your lips. He pulls away from you slowly, but you reach out and pull him back in, not caring what the other patrons of the restaurant are thinking.

Someone clearing their throat breaks you two apart. The waiter smiles down at you two while he places dishes in front of you. “Enjoy.”

You blush as you turn and face the plate of food in front of you. Pedro swipes his thumb over the back of your hand. A gesture, you were beginning to feel, only meant for you.

-------

The waiter clears both of your plates after finishing dinner. The Amish Chicken was the best thing you had ever tasted, except for the man sitting to your left. You wonder how the other parts of his body would taste and at the thought of this, you drink some water.

Your mind thinks back to last March. The moment you had opened the door and seen Will’s face. His look was of pure anger as he stormed in.

“You’re having an affair?!” He had shouted.

“What? No.” You had said with a calm voice. “Will, what are you talking about?”

He had paced before turning to you saying, “Chris came by and told me – him and you have been sleeping together!”

“I am not sleeping with Chris Evans! I don’t like him that way!” You had shouted back as you walked up to Will and took his face into your hands. “I love you!”

“He says you two love each other! It’s been going on for a while.”

Tears had begun flowing from your eyes. “I’ve never slept with him, or anyone else while we have been together.”

“He showed me pictures Y/N!”

“What the fuck are you talking about!?” You had retorted.

“It doesn’t matter! It’s over!” Will had calmed slightly. “It’s over.”

You had tried to stop him but he stormed out of the apartment like he had when he first entered. You had closed the door behind him and sank to the floor. After that night you had stopped working with Evans who eventually admitted to you, months later, “he wasn’t good enough for you. I was, I am.”

“You ruined my life,” you had whispered to Chris. “I despise you Evans.”

After the dreadful night of Will lashing out at you, you stopped working with Evans on his script. Didn’t even accept his calls or answer his texts.

Will had asked for the ring back. Kendrick took it to him and stopped talking to him. The two had worked together on Blue Bloods. Will and Kendrick were more acquaintances than friends.

“He hurt you sweetie.” Kendrick had told you. “He doesn’t matter to me. You do.”

Your mind returns to the present as you watch Pedro sign the check. You wonder what would happen to Kendrick if this relationship doesn’t work. Kendrick’s your best friend, but also a friend of Pedro’s. They had worked on Equalizer 2 together, even Graceland. Kendrick had told you Pedro was in NYC for his birthday party and that’s why he had invited him. Kendrick had told Pedro who was going to be there, your name came up.

“He said he had heard of you.” Kendrick had said.

“So you figured it best to set us up?” You had laughed. Both of you were having dinner in Los Angeles, on the same night you had bought your dress.

Kendrick had shrugged. “He seemed interested. Figured invite him and go from there.” Kendrick had glared at you. “But you walked away from him before you two could have an actual conversation.”

“Uh, you do know me right? Quiet, reserved.” You had retorted. “Besides he’s now a hot commodity because of The Mandalorian.”

“Please tell me that’s not going to stop you!?” Kendrick had hissed.

You had shrugged. “I don’t know. Will was low key, and now Pedro…,” you had paused. “Pedro’s going to be known more and I’m just not into the whole major celebrity thing.”

“You’re beautiful Y/N. You may be bookish, quiet, a fabulous writer who prefers to be behind the scenes, but you are beautiful. Inside and out.” Kendrick had squeezed your hand in a reassuring gesture. “You shouldn’t care what the world thinks as long as Pedro is by your side.” Kendrick had grinned. “And me too, of course.”

You smile, knowing you love Kendrick and cherish him as your best friend.          

“What’s going on in your mind?” Pedro’s voice cuts through your thoughts.

“Nothing.” You squeak out. Did your voice just really sound like that?

“Tell me.” Pedro says.

You smile at him. “Not telling you.”

Pedro shrugs and stands, “let’s go.” He isn’t too taken back by you not telling him. He’ll eventually get it out of you soon enough.

You nod as you stand then follow him towards the front of the restaurant where he grabs both of your coats. He helps you into yours before putting his own on. The two of you walk out into the gentle winter wind where you walk down the pier and towards the street where Pedro hails a cab.

“Where to?” The driver asks, as you two settle into the backseat.

Pedro and you look at one another. Neither of you had discussed where this night would go, where you two would end up. Pedro was about to open his mouth, but you blurt out your address before he could make a sound.

You smile sheepishly at him as he pulls you against him.

“Do you want me to say goodnight at your door?” Pedro whispers.

Part of you did, part of you didn’t. You had told yourself you weren’t going to put out. But this man beside you, he’s a game changer. Was he worth the risk? You have a sly smile on your face as you let out a breath saying, “walk me to my door and we’ll go from there.”

He cups your cheek as he says, “what were you thinking about?”

“You.” It was sort of the truth.

Pedro raises an eyebrow. “Tell me.”

You swallow. “No. I will never tell you.”

“Tell me on our fifth date.”

“Think we’ll last that long?”

“Even longer.” He smirks. “At least I know it was me.”

You pull him towards you and capture his mouth with his. You feel his arms wrap around you, deepening the kiss, holding onto you. You wanted no one else but him.

-------

Around 20 minutes later the taxi stops outside of your building. Pedro escorts you to your floor, then boxes you, with you facing the door, in between him and the door. You fidget for your key inside the wristlet as Pedro runs a hand up and down your side.

You squirm as you say, “stop.”

“I can’t.” Pedro whispers.

“You’re making this extremely difficult to say goodnight to you once I open the door.”

He brushes aside some of your hair. “You shouldn’t have ran your hand up and down my chest in the taxi.” His voice teasingly adds, “among other things.”

If he would’ve been looking at you, he would’ve seen your cheeks turn bright red. You couldn’t resist it, resist him. You were making out with him in the back of a taxi. You had never down that sort of thing with Will, or any other man before. You had also, absentmindedly, might have undone a button or two on his shirt.

You turn and face him. See the top two buttons undone on his shirt. Yeah, you definitely unbuttoned those. How long has it been?, you think. Pedro presses his lips against yours as you recall it’s been months.

“Y/N,” Pedro growls against your lips. One hand is still on the door, while the other is on your lower back.

This is your apartment, you remind yourself. You make the rules. If he says no then he’s toast.

“Promise me one thing if I let you in and we go through with…”

“Ask away.”

You caress his cheek as you press your forehead to his. “Promise me you’ll be here in the morning.”

He pulls you into his arm and kisses you. “I promise.”

Without waiting you pull away and open the door. You pull him into your apartment by his hand. You close the door behind you and fuse your mouth to his again as you place the wristlet on the entry table. You unbutton your coat as Pedro keeps his lips on yours and his hands travel under your coat. You throw the coat off to the side, not minding where it lands. Your roommate is gone for work down in Jersey, she’ll be there all weekend.

Your hands grab for Pedro’s jacket, helping him shrug it off. He tosses it to the floor as your hands travel up his white button-down top. Your fingers scrambling to unbutton the rest of them.

Pedro unzips your dress and reaches in to touch your skin. It’s feels as delicate as the inside of a flower pedal against his warm hands. He hears a soft, mouth gasping moan you let out at his touch. “Hermosa,” Pedro whispers against your mouth, “beautiful.”

You reach up and trace Pedro’s jawline, feeling some of the light fuzz along his cheeks. You sigh contently as you look at him saying, “I’ve never done sex on the first date thing Pedro. I,” you pause, “you—you are worth the risk I am taking. Hoping you stick around for more than just a one—“

Pedro crushes his mouth to yours. He pulls away slowly as he looks into your Y/E/C eyes, brushes some of your Y/H/C hair out of your face and behind your ear. “I don’t intend making you a one-night stand Y/N. I intend on making you the one I need and want for the rest of my nights, for the rest of my life.”

Pedro’s blunt admission surprises you, overwhelms you. You two know each other but don’t know each other well enough to stake a deep valid claim on one another; yet Pedro had done just that.

“Pedro,” you whisper. You weren’t sure if you were ready to dive as deep as the deepest point in the ocean. Yet here was Pedro revealing his honesty, revealing his intentions, and clearing revealing his heart to you in this vulnerable moment. You had just told him he was worth the risk. You didn’t want to break his heart; you don’t ever want to break his heart. You know, you feel you want no one else, just him. Just Pedro. No one else will ever do after him.

Your reach out and run your fingers through his hair as you kiss his lips. You then kiss along one side of his jawline then down his long neck. You reach down with one hand and run it slowly up his chest as you pull faintly away and look up at his coffee colored eyes. You see the kindness, sincerity in them. You’re at a loss for words. For the first time in your life you are speechless. You’re looking into his eyes with the same kindness and sincerity, with a sprinkle of gentleness.

Pedro knows you want him. He knows he laid out his intentions, almost bared his entire heart to you – something he hasn’t done in years. Not with any woman who has caught his eye and held his attention for the handful of short-term relationships he has had in the past after he had his heart broken by the woman, he thought was the one for him. You look at him as though he is being seen for the first time. You look at him and he feels his heart yearning to heal since his heart was broken all those years ago. Pedro looks into your eyes and knows you are willing to dive deep like he is.

He cups the back of your neck and brings his mouth crashing down onto yours. He feels your hands loop around his neck, feels you returning the kiss just as feverishly as he is. Senses you moving your legs, you walking him back towards your room without you lifting your soft mouth from his.

Once inside your bedroom, you pull away from his mouth and look into his eyes before you travel your gaze down. You place on your hands on his soft stomach, your fingers moving lightly over his skin. You then proceed to move your fingers up his chest slowly. Your hands traveling under the shirt as you move your hands over his broad shoulders. You push the shirt down and off him.

You swallow before he pulls you up against him. He travels his hands slowly up and down your back before grabs the fabric of your dress, slowly pulling it away from your body. His fingers glide over your shoulders, tracing the outline of the V neckline. You moan as his fingers touch the spot between your breasts. Pedro pushes the dress down off your shoulders, revealing your black strapless bra. He pushes it further down and lets it pool at your feet, revealing the black lace panties you’re wearing.

Pedro cups the back of your neck, bringing you to him. He crushes his mouth against yours as you reach down to his pants and begin unbuckling his belt. You remove it quickly, then your fingers are scrambling at unbuttoning and unzipping his pants.

You reach in and find his cock hard. Pedro moans loudly at the feeling of your hand around him. He bites your lip teasingly as he walks you back towards the bed. You continue stroking his cock lightly and slowly, your thumb swirling around the tip as he leans down and nuzzles your neck. The sensation of his mustache is sending more pleasure waves throughout your body. You wonder how that mustache would feel on your breasts, your stomach, your inner thighs.

Pedro reaches around and unhooks your bra as your legs touch the bedframe. He slowly bends a knee on the mattress as he envelops you in his arms, both of you fall back on the mattress as Pedro dips his head into the curve of your neck, he groans lightly as you remove your hand from his hard cock. He reaches down with a hand and palms your core. He feels how hot and wet you are.

“Pedro,” you whisper as you feel his hand against your pussy. Then you feel his hand snake under the panties. His fingers opening your folds, and he begins rubbing your clit with his thumb. You moan loudly at his thumb on your clit. Fuck, is all you can think.

“Y/N,” Pedro whispers as he begins kissing down your chest, down the valley between your breasts. He kisses you down your stomach, he stops once he reaches your underwear.

The prickliness of his mustache is sending your body into overdrive. The sensation of his mustache and light fuzz scrapping across your skin excites you. You arch your back as you feel him kiss your stomach, his mustache tickling you as he travels his mouth further south. You feel him hook his fingers under your panties, you feel him move them down over your hips and your legs, and finally off your body.

Pedro kisses his way back up your stomach, over your breasts. He licks a spot at the curve at your neck. A spot where you make a soft, gasping moan, a sound he only wants you to make for him. He is enjoying all of you, drinking you all in. He’s ready, and he knows you’re ready too. He kisses your swollen mouth. “Please tell me you have a condom.”

You blush in the darkness and smile, “yes. In my wristlet…but that’s back—”

He kisses you soundly, “don’t. Move.”

Pedro runs quickly from the room and is back seconds later. He’s unwrapping the condom and placing it over his cock. Before he kneels on the mattress, he takes in your naked body. It’s all his. Mine, he possessively growls in his head. He had never felt an instant connection with no one until he laid his eyes on you and shook your hand. He thought you weren’t interested when you had politely excused yourself only minutes into the short conversation you two had been having, but days later Kendrick had told him you were a reserved person, someone who enjoyed their solitude more than anything, and he wanted to know you even more. He had to see you again. And he was forever thankful to Kendrick when the Christmas party had arisen. Pedro had waited to hear your name from Kendrick, but he avoided your name all together until Pedro finally mustered the damn courage and pointblank asked him if you were going to be there. When Kendrick said you were, Pedro had begun counting the days until he laid his eyes on you. And now here you were, naked and ready for him. How quick, and slow, a month could be, he thinks.

Pedro kneels on the bed between your legs. He sees you watching him with your Y/E/C eyes. He keeps his eyes locked on you as you sit up and pull his mouth down and fuses your mouth his. He wanted to taste you elsewhere, but he didn’t want to go too far this go around.

You kiss Pedro and pull him down on top of you. “I’m ready,” you whisper as you place your hand on his cheek.

He nods as he widens your legs, strokes his cock along your folds and enters your wet pussy slowly.

“Pe—Pedro,” you moan as your pussy opens for his cock and conforms to his girth and length. Your hands travel up his stomach and chest, resting atop his broad shoulders as he begins slowly thrusting in and out of you. You know he wants to make sure you can handle his entire length. Your fingers reach up into his hair as you arch your back when Pedro’s hard cock is completely inside after slowly entering you inch by inch with his slow thrusts.

Pedro nuzzles your neck; his teeth nips at your skin. You are so tight around him, so wet, so hot around his cock. He doesn’t want to move as he feels your pussy clench around his cock. He growls lowly as he feels your hands travel down his back and lightly touch the ridge of his ass. “Y/N,” Pedro grounds out at your featherlight touch.

You nip back at his neck as your fingers travel back up his back and thread through his hair. You roll hips up and back down. Pedro begins thrusting as you begin rolling your hips.

“Fuck,” Pedro growls. You rolling your hips and him thrusting into you is causing his orgasm to build up inside of him quickly. He doesn’t want to cum too quickly but knows he can’t hold on too much longer.

Your orgasm is cresting inside of you as you and Pedro begin finding the same rhythm, begin moving as one. “Pedro,” you breathlessly whisper. You make your soft gasping moan sound as your climax begins to rollover your body. “Pedro,” you moan lowly as your fingers move from his hair to his back. They dig into his flesh as you feel Pedro thrust into you a few more times.

“Y/N,” Pedro moans as he thrusts into you. The feeling of you orgasming with his cock inside of you drives him off the cliff and he cums. Pedro looks down at you and sees your Y/E/C eyes looking up at him. He sees you smile widely at him as you reach up and touch his cheek. He takes your hand and kisses the inside of your wrist. He kisses down the delicate skin a couple more inches then returns his lips to the inside of your wrist. You sigh as he leans down and captures your mouth with his.

You loop your arms around his neck as you pull him down on top of you completely. You don’t mind the weight of his body on yours, don’t mind feeling his hot skin against yours.

Pedro returns you greedy kiss and rolls you both onto your sides. His cock slips out of you slowly. He keeps his mouth glued to yours for a few more minutes before pulling away and stroking your cheek with his thumb. “I’ll be right back.”

“Not going anywhere,” you whisper as he leaves your bed.

You’re snuggled into the sheets when he returns a couple of minutes later. You feel him wrap your arms around you, you feel he has placed his underwear back on as well. You burrow into his warmth as he kisses you atop your head. You fall asleep satisfied and sedated.

When you wake up in the morning, Pedro is still there with his arms wrapped around you. Your heart soars as you smile. He kept his promise.

Chapter Three

[jalapeno-princess]

It Should’ve Been Us

Mark Tuan X Reader X JB

Genre: Angst, Ex-Lovers, Love Triangle?

Word Count: 5.8k

Summary: It’s been almost two years since your breakup. You and Mark are brought together again because your mutual friend Jackson is getting married. However, Mark hasn’t seen or heard from you since the night of the breakup. When you finally come in to view, he couldn’t take his eyes off of you. Although he would always get distracted by your beauty, it was the bump that was forming on your stomach that caught his attention. After a few shots, he admits things that he would never tell you sober and makes you rethink all your decisions. 

A/N: I tend to listen to songs and get inspired to write a fanfic about it. I kept streaming Harry’s new album and something about this song stuck with me so here it is. I have a bunch of Christmas fics I didn’t finish and honestly I think this one is shit (I can’t write angst to save my life and no matter how hard I try, the reader will always end up with Mark in the end. I actually hate myself. Or I love Mark too much idk which one it is.) Please enjoy!

He knew it was inevitable that he would see you again. It was Jackson’s wedding. Of course you would be there and being Jackson’s best friend, it was mandatory for Mark to be in attendance as the best man. He didn’t want to be that guy who prevents his friend from inviting his ex girlfriend to his wedding. But seeing you after a year and a half made things difficult for Mark. It’s not that the break up was bad. The two of you even attempted to stay friends, but you knew you could never be just friends with someone you were in love with. Someone you’ve spent almost five years with. It was impossible and over the course of two months, the two of you drifted apart. Neither of you understood where it went wrong, but no matter how much you love and care for someone, sometimes things just weren’t meant to be. No matter how badly the both of you really wanted it to. 

As soon as he saw you walk in to the dining hall, his heart sank to his chest. You looked breathtakingly beautiful. You were a sight for sore eyes and Mark couldn’t stop staring at you. His eyes started to wander and just so happened to land on the baby bump you were sporting. If he thought seeing you again for the first time in almost two years was heartbreaking, seeing you with a baby bump was a lot to take in. A part of him wanted to run away from the wedding. Jackson would understand right? One of the other guys could totally take Mark’s place. He knew he wouldn’t be able to stay in the same room as you, especially when you were pregnant with someone else’s baby. He wished he brought himself a plus one, but he’s never been with anyone since breaking up with you. You were all he knew and all he wanted to know. 

His eyes never left you the minute they landed on you, so seeing Jaebum walk towards you and place a soft kiss on your lips infuriated him. He’s heard the rumors about the two of you. It’s not that you cheated. You could never have done that to him and Mark knew that. But after your breakup, he knew you would find comfort in Jaebum like you always did when you and Mark would fight. There were times in your relationship when Mark would get jealous of Jaebum and you would constantly reassure him that you loved him more than anything else in this world. But once the two of you broke up, he couldn’t control who you decided to date, even if it meant one of his closest friends. He couldn’t understand why Jaebum, someone he’s been friends with since they were kids, would go after the girl he thought he was going to marry. Seeing you pregnant with a baby that wasn’t his was quickly tearing him apart and that’s why he found himself heading to the bar and taking multiple shots of tequila.

The two of you were together for five years and here you were, pregnant with Jaebum’s baby after dating for less than a year. Did Mark really mean that little to you? You always told him you weren’t ready to have kids just yet, but you were so quick to have one with someone else. The idea made his heart sink to his stomach. The two of you planned so much of your future together. You both wanted to move to the beachside, wanted at least five kids and even had their names prepared. You’d look at the kind of houses you wanted, the cars you only dreamed of having and even started planning your wedding. He was still holding on to the engagement ring he bought for you only months after dating. It didn’t take him long to realize you were it for him. From a young age, even before the two of you started dating, Mark knew he wanted to spend the rest of his life with you and after years together, he knew you felt the same. But after that fateful night, where you both decided there was no longer a spark there, that he no longer sent butterflies to your tummy like he used to, that your presence didn’t warm his heart like it used to. After you completely moved out, he would stare at that ring in disgust and even threw it at the wall. But as soon as he did, he was quick to run and pick it up. When he first purchased it, he was so excited to see your reaction. It was your dream wedding ring and he was so excited to give it to you. Mark thought you deserved the world and more and all he wanted to do was give it to you. He knew that marrying you was no longer in question. No matter how badly he wanted it to be you. He wanted to try and make it work. But what could he do when your hearts were no longer completely in it anymore? 

“Hey man, I think you’ve had one too many shots. The reception hasn’t even started yet. Did you even eat? Why are you trying to get drunk?” Mark rolled his eyes at his younger friend and continued to drink his sorrows away. It was in that moment that Bambam took a look around the dining room and it didn’t take him long to notice you. But he wasn’t surprised. He was still very close with you and Jaebum, so he was fully aware of your pregnancy. Since all of your friends knew, he was sure Mark did too. Even if Mark didn’t, Bambam didn’t have the heart to tell him. Especially because he knew Mark was still madly in love with you. “Mark...” He shook his head and stood up. “I’m fine. Don’t worry about me okay? I’m totally fine. I’m just trying to get in the mood. We’re celebrating Bambam! Don’t be such a downer!” He started tipsily walking back to his table but before he could do so, he took one more look at you. He really wish he hadn’t done so. Jaebum was looking at you with so much love and adoration in his eyes. His hands were on your baby bump and you were laughing at something he said. Tears were brimming at his eyelids and he could no longer handle being in that room. This was supposed to be a happy day. His best friend was getting married. But he couldn’t help but feel upset and wished it was him getting married. To you. 

I, I confess I can tell that you are at your best I'm selfish so I'm hating it I noticed that there's a piece of you in how I dress Take it as a compliment

He took notice of your navy colored dress and frowned. Of course you were wearing navy. It was your favorite color. You were so in love with anything navy and most of the things you owned were navy. Your comforter, pillows and even the couch was navy. When you moved out of your shared apartment, Mark kept all of it. No matter how much it reminded him of you and taunted him the more he stayed at home, he didn’t have the heart to change anything. He had a tiny bit of hope that you would come back. That, the distance would make the two of you realize how much you could not live without one another. But it was obviously too late. He looked down at the suit he was wearing and sarcastically chuckled. You were practically matching. As the best man, he had the choice to wear whatever he wanted and his immediate choice was a navy suit. Even after almost two years, you still had that affect on him. You’d always have an effect on him. Everything he did, ate, wore, was indirectly influenced by you. The longer the two of you were together, the more he found himself copying your mannerisms, wearing things similar to what you wore, watching all the shows you’d watch and even ordering his coffee just the way you liked it. Even after your breakup, he continued to do everything just the same. 

You were glowing, there was no doubt about it. He knew how badly you wanted kids. But you never felt ready. You wanted to be married, have a stable job and have a house before doing so. So what made you change your mind? And why did you decide that you wanted everything you planned with Mark, to happen with Jaebum? Everyone was coming up to congratulate the two of you and Mark could feel his blood pressure rising. That should be him sitting with you, kissing your beautiful face and rubbing your adorable baby bump. He was afraid the liquid courage was going to make him do things he was going to regret. The wedding felt as if it was going by so slowly. Bambam, Yugyeom and Youngjae did their best to distract their older friend, but there was nothing they could do to prevent Mark’s wandering eyes. Mark was extremely curious if you saw him and how you felt after seeing him if you did. If seeing him brought back any feelings or memories and if you were suffering like he was. 

You knew you shouldn’t have attended the wedding, but you were still friends with Mark’s friends and Jaebum was included in their group of friends. You were afraid of bumping in to Mark and even more afraid of his reaction when he saw that you were pregnant. It’s not that you regretted getting pregnant, nor did you regret the fact that you were having a baby with Jaebum. You truly loved your boyfriend. But there were days that you missed Mark. Hell, you dreamed of going through all of this with him. Jaebum took such good care of you and tended to your each and every need. But Mark is where you kept your heart and although the two of you were no longer together, he still owned it and probably always will. You didn’t want to come between his and Jaebum’s friendship, nor did you date Jaebum to spite Mark. But Jaebum was there for you and consoled you for the first three months after you breakup. 

As soon as the two of you broke up, you were a complete mess. You got drunk before noon every single day, you would cry and scream, begging for Mark to come back. But you knew the damage was done. Your hearts and minds were made up. You stayed with Jaebum all those months and you found yourself falling for him in such a short amount of time. You weren’t in love with him the way you were with Mark, but he made you feel safe. He made you feel as if things would be okay again. Your pregnancy came as a shock to the both of you. The two of you weren’t dating for that long, and you were both very safe when it came to sex. However, no matter how careful one could be, things happen. When you found out you were pregnant, your mind would constantly think about Mark even if you tried your best not to. You were with Jaebum now and you were having his baby. But this is what you wanted so badly with Mark.

As bad as it sounded, no matter how happy you were to finally have a baby, you felt as if you’d be happier if you were sharing this moment with Mark. After taking multiple pregnancy tests and seeing that all three showed positive, you sat and cried for hours. They were both tears of happiness and sadness. You were afraid to tell Jaebum, but he was so excited when you finally did tell him and even if he was nervous, he didn’t show it. A part of you felt like you were doing something wrong by having someone else’s baby, even if you were no longer together. But there was nothing you could do. It didn’t take you long to see him. His laugh was one of your favorite sounds and seeing his eyes light up made your heart race. He looked so handsome, as per usual. Even to this day, you thought he was the handsomest man to exist. Sure, Jaebum was literally a greek God. You couldn’t stop fawning over his cute little eye moles or the fact that his jaw was sharp and well defined. His lips were also very plump and cute, but you couldn’t help and compare him to Mark. Even with personality and preferences, you’d find yourself comparing the two and dating Jaebum only made you realize how much you missed Mark. 

Jaebum was everything you could want in a boyfriend and more. Sure, to other people, he seemed stern and intimidating. But with you, he was nothing but a softie and did whatever he could to make you happy. However, no matter how hard you tried, you knew you could never love him the way you did with Mark. You had asked Jackson’s new wife prior to the wedding to make sure you and your boyfriend were seated far away from Mark. But it was only because you were afraid of what would happen if you were to see him again. And you had every right to. Seeing him made all the feelings you had for him come rushing back. Not that you ever stopped loving him, but you tried to push the feelings you had for him away the minute you started dating Jaebum. 

Your heart warmed seeing his choice of suit color. He never understood your love for navy blue, but he never questioned it. You felt a sense of sadness when you saw him drinking so much at the bar. Mark was never one to drink. Even at parties, he would only drink soda. You knew he was upset over something and your bones were set on fire at the thought of you being the reason. But you couldn’t think like that. You were no longer a couple. He had no reason to still be hung up on you. It’s been two years, you were sure he moved on. Mark could get anyone he wanted and the thought upset you. How could you be so selfish? Here you were, dating and having a baby with someone else. Why did you care about what Mark did? You no longer had control over what he did and didn’t do. 

When Jackson and his new bride went out to dance their first dance together as a married couple, your boyfriend had asked if you wanted to go and do the same. As much as you loved the music the Dj was playing and loved partying, pregnancy made you exhausted. Therefore, you motioned for him to go and have fun with his friends. He left a soft kiss on your lips with the promise of not staying away for too long. Although there were red flags going off in his head, Mark found himself getting up from his table and walking to you. This was his only chance. He didn’t know what the outcome would be, but his heart was yearning to talk to you. 

Seeing him walk toward you made you feel nervous all of a sudden. You were with this ethereal being for five years, why all of a sudden did you feel like a school girl seeing her crush walk by? When he smiled at you, you could feel shivers go down your spine. His smile could light up an entire room. You were sure of it. “Hey.” You returned the smile and motioned for him to sit down. “Hi.” He brought his fingers to your cheek and placed some of your hair behind your ear. Your heartbeat started to increase and you could feel yourself tearing up again. As much as you wanted to blame it on the hormones, you knew it had to do with the devastatingly handsome man right in front of you. “You look so beautiful y/n. You’re actually glowing. I didn’t think you could get more beautiful than you already are but here you are, proving me wrong as always.” You lightly chuckled and you were sure there was a blush on your cheeks. Mark never failed to make you shy from his compliments. 

“How have you been?” He released a long sigh and you took that as his answer. “Do you want the truth? Or can I lie?” You gave him a knowing look and his smile immediately faltered. You were his biggest weakness. If anyone needed a favor from him, all they had to do was ask you to talk to him. He would do anything you asked him to. That’s why he was Bambam’s personal driver and still made Yugyeom’s doctors appointments. He could never say no to you. “I don’t think we should have this conversation here so I’ll just lie and say that I’ve been good. How are you? How um..how far along are you if you don’t mind me asking?” You wanted to laugh at how awkward the two of you were acting. As if you didn’t spend a big chunk of your lives together. “I’m four months. I’m not too big just yet but I get tired so easily. That’s why you don’t see me showing up everyone on that dance floor right now.” This earned you a laugh from the older boy. He knew how much you loved dancing and how competitive you’d get. That was one of the things he loved the most about you. Your passion, your drive. Your need to outshine everyone. Although it was Jackson and his new wife’s day, you were probably stealing the show. You radiated this energy that no one could compare to. As much as he missed talking to you, he could feel words coming up to the surface that he knew he was going to regret. 

“May I?” He was motioning towards your stomach and you smiled at the thought of him wanting to touch your growing bump. His eyes lit up at the sight and a smile grew on his face. However, his heart sank knowing that the love of his life was carrying another man’s baby. And thinking about anyone other than himself holding you, kissing you, loving you, touching you in ways only he did made his blood boil. But he didn’t want to start anything, so he tried his best to stay calm. “Jaebum must be excited, he’s wanted kids for a while.” So did I. With you. It was always you. And it’s always going to be you. I wish that was me so badly. “Yeah. He actually started setting up the nursery just a few days after I found out the news.” I wanted nothing more than to start a family and spend the rest of my life with you. I hate that things didn’t work out between us. 

Does he take you walking 'round his parents' gallery?

“I can’t believe Jackson’s actually married. Remember how he would flirt with every single one of your friends? Now he’s tied down.” Like how I should be, to you. That should’ve been you walking down the aisle to me. “Yeah. Lia looks so beautiful. Her wedding dress is an actual princess gown.” One I planned on wearing if we were to get married. “How’s your parents? Oh and I heard Jaebum’s parents finally opened that gallery they’ve been wanting for years.” You nodded. “His parents just set it up. I’m not being biased because it’s his parent’s gallery, but it’s really nice. You and I both know I’m really not in to art, but some of the pictures he took are on display. As for my parents, they’re doing good. My mom actually asked about how you were doing. She still has lunch with your mom from time to time. I’m pretty sure she hates me now, but I can’t blame her.” He quickly shook his head. “She could never hate you. She always talks so highly about you. I’m the one who gets the earful about how it’s my fault she’s missing out on such an amazing daughter in law.”

Hearing him say that pulled on your heartstrings. You were always so close with Mark’s family. Especially his parents. His mom treated you as if you were her own daughter and sometimes she would only reach out to Mark to see how you were doing. “Mark..” Before you could say anything, your boyfriend hesitantly made his way towards the two of you. He saw the two of you talking and although he wanted to give you both your space, a part of him didn’t want to. Jaebum wasn’t stupid. He caught you looking at Mark multiple times throughout the night. He also heard you crying a few times when you thought he was asleep. He knew you still had feelings for Mark and he didn’t think it was wrong of you for doing so. You were together for 5 years and you were friends for years even before that. It was only natural for you to still care about him. But he was jealous when he saw Mark rubbing your belly. He knew he shouldn’t feel that way, but it was hard not to. 

“Hey baby, done dancing?” Mark tensed up at the term of endearment you used to use on him. He loved your voice, and he loved anything that came out of your mouth. Especially any pet name you’d use on him. That was his favorite thing that you’d call him. It always made his insides warm. But hearing you call someone else that made his skin crawl. “Yeah. Yugyeom is the dancing machine for a reason. Either that or I’m getting old. Hey Mark. Looking good man. How are you?” It’s been a while since the two of them have seen each other too. As much as Jaebum wanted to be there for his friend during the breakup, he felt weird trying to console Mark knowing he was still in touch with you. So ultimately, he ended up choosing you. Mark gave him a fake smile. You knew Mark like the back of your hand. You saw right through his smile. Whenever he was uncomfortable or talked to someone he didn’t like, he had this certain look in his eyes that only you knew of. His jaw clenched and you were afraid things were going to go south from here. Mark was never someone to start conflict, nor did he like confrontation. But if one of your close friends started dating him right after the two of you broke up, you would’ve been pissed. So he had every right to punch Jaebum in the face if he wanted to.

“I’m fine. I should actually go. The best man usually does a toast and the nights about to end so I’m going to take this as my cue. It was nice talking to you again y/n. I wish you nothing but happiness. You deserve it. And congratulations on the ba..baby. I’ll see you around.” Your heart broke when you heard the sadness in his voice and you saw the tear slip before he left. But you didn’t want Jaebum knowing it had an effect on you. You wanted to pull him in to your embrace and tell him how badly you missed him. Even if there was no chance of you two getting back together again, you missed his presence. You missed his warmth, his comfort. You missed Mark. But there was nothing you could do. “Hey, are you okay?” You looked at your boyfriend and nodded. He smiled at you and placed a gentle kiss on your forehead. Mark went back to the bar, took one more shot and made his way to the stage. 

Bambam gave Yugyeom a nervous look. He knew Mark was tipsy and seeing the two of you talk again for the first time in two years was sure to make him do something stupid. He tapped a glass with a fork to try and grab everyone’s attention. “Hi. I’m Mark. I’m Jackson’s best friend. I’m really not good with speeches and if I’m being honest with you all, I had a couple of drinks. But I’m fine. Or I’m not, but I won’t fuck up I promise. Shit. I just swore didn’t I? I’m sorry. Anyways, I’ve been friends with Jackson for almost my entire life. I’ve never seen anyone look at someone the way Jackson looks at Lia. Well. I have actually. I used to look at my ex girlfriend like that. Hell, I still do. But enough about me! Lia, you are an extremely lucky woman. Jackson is such an amazing man and I know he loves you with everything he has. I remember when we were kids, he would do anything and everything for me and he��s actually the one who introduced me to my girlfriend. Oh sorry. Ex girlfriend. But like I said, we’re not here for me or to listen about my nonexistent love life we’re here for the wonderful couple. You two are perfect for each other. I wish you both nothing but happiness, health and success for the future. Jackson, you better take good care of her and never let her go. It’s going to be the biggest mistake of your life and you won’t stop regretting ever letting her go for the rest of your life. You’ll only realize how madly in love you still are with her when it’s too late. Especially when you see her in the arms of someone else, four months pregnant with his baby...hey Jinyoung what are you doing? I’m not done...” 

You we’re practically waterworks by the end of his speech and although you were mentally thanking Jinyoung for taking the microphone away from him, you couldn’t help but repeat his words in your head. He was still in love with you and he was regretting losing you. You had no words, no emotions. You felt numb. You didn’t know what to say or what to do. Jaebum squeezed on your thigh to get your attention but to no avail. “Babe. Baby. Y/n. Hey. You okay? You wanna go? We should go.” He stood up so he could help you but you were frozen. You could feel all the eyes on you and you wanted the ground to swallow you whole. Jaebum took this time to get your things ready and gently tugged on your wrist. “Come on baby. Let’s go. Before something else happens.” Something in you wanted to go find Mark and talk to him. Especially because you knew there were things he wanted to tell you, but Jaebum came and interrupted your conversation. You were torn. You didn’t want Jaebum knowing that Mark’s speech mentally fucked you up, nor did you want an argument to start between the two of you. You just wanted to go home and sleep. 

Mark was drunk. He didn’t know what he was saying. So you followed Jaebum out of the hotel, no matter how badly you wanted to hear Mark out. It’s been years since he last talk to you, and in less than one night, Mark managed to fuck everything up. Jinyoung brought him to the bathroom to ask him what the fuck that was, but seeing his friend break down prevented him from saying what he wanted to say. Everybody and their mothers knew how head over heels in love Mark was with you, so everyone that was at the wedding who knew the two of you understood why he was acting the way he was. He was practically sobbing at the top of his lungs and wanted to go home. “Jinyoung, fuck. I made a mistake didn’t I? It’s just seeing her..pregnant..laughing..kissing Jaebum..That should be me..She probably thinks I’m so stupid. I made a complete fool of myself and ruined Jackson’s wedding. Please take me home. I don’t want to be here anymore. Tell Jackson I’m sorry. I’ll pay for their entire honeymoon or something I just need to get out of here.” 

As soon as you arrived back to your apartment, Jaebum helped you take off your makeup, your dress and prepared a bath for you. Neither of you knew what to say. He didn’t want to force you to talk about what went down tonight nor did you want to continue overthinking this whole situation. You just wanted to go to bed. After helping you get in to the bath, he sat down on the floor next to you and intertwined your fingers. He let out an exasperated and brought your hand up to his lips and placed a soft kiss on it. “You still love him don’t you?” His sudden but gentle outburst didn’t come as a shock to you. Especially with how transparent you were with your emotions. But you weren’t prepared to give him an answer. Of course you still loved him and yes, seeing him brought back your feelings for him. However, you didn’t want to admit that to Jaebum. How could you tell your boyfriend that you were still in love with your ex boyfriend?

“Jaebum-“ He shook his head and placed a soft kiss on your lips. It was more so an attempt to calm himself down. Jaebum was infatuated with you. Even before you and Mark started dating. But he wasn’t the type to sabotage a relationship. He got over you after he realized how in love you and Mark were. However, once the two of you broke up, he couldn’t lie and say he wasn’t happy about it. Sure, he loved the two of you together and you were both his friends. But the love he had for you was even stronger. He didn’t think the two of you would end up together and he didn’t give you a shoulder to cry on in the hopes of becoming your boyfriend. But when he finally did, he was over the moon. So of course his heart broke a little after thinking about everything that went down tonight. He knew there was a chance you would see Mark tonight and an even bigger chance that the two of you would talk. He didn’t think things would end the way they did though, and he didn’t think it was selfish to want to get you out of there before you came to the conclusion that your heart was still with Mark. 

“Forget I said anything okay? I’m sorry. It’s just, I saw the way you were looking at him the entire night and it didn’t take me long to notice him staring at you either. And I tried my best to let you to talk to each other. You have every right to want to talk with him, even if he is your ex. I just couldn’t help but get jealous and worried that you might regret dating me and getting pregnant with my child. I love you so much y/n. I’m sorry.” You frowned at his now defeated posture and ran your fingers through his hair. “I love you so much okay? There’s nothing to worry about. What me and Mark had was in the past. If we were meant to be together, we’d still be together. But sometimes, lovers fall apart. No matter how long they’ve been together. I’m sorry you feel this way baby, but we’re going to be okay. I love you Jaebum.” After Jaebum helped you out of the bath and helped you prepare for bed, he went to take a quick shower and placed a chaste kiss on your cheek before heading back in to the bathroom. You could feel yourself slowly falling asleep but before you could completely close your eyes, your phone went off.

Mark: I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that and I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. But please know that everything I said is true. I’m still so fucking in love with you and I miss you so much and as much as I want to be happy for you, I can’t help myself from wishing that it was me having a baby with you. That it was me who gets to hold your hand and kiss your pretty pink lips. Me who gets to hold you at night and whisper sweet nothings in your ear. God y/n, it’s been years and I’m still so crazy about you. But can you blame me? You’re all I want for the rest of my life. We planned everything together and if I could go back in time, I’d make sure to change things so our breakup didn’t happen. I saw the way you looked at me, I know you’re still in love with me too. But I also know that you love Jaebum. I’m not going to ask you to leave him for me, but if you could, would you? Do you still think about me the way I think about you? I was fine. For the last two years, no matter how much I missed you, I accepted your absence for what it was. But seeing you tonight just fucked me over and I don’t know what to do. I love you and I’m sorry. Have a good night.

Mark: By the way, you looked very beautiful tonight. I know I mentioned it a few times but I just want you to know. You’re breathtaking.

Mark: You’re going to be an amazing mother y/n I just know it.

Mark: I hope Jaebum treats you the way you deserve to be treated. The way I should’ve treated you.

Mark: You know what? Please disregard anything I said earlier and try to forget everything that happened tonight.

Mark: Take care y/n.

Don't you call him "baby" We're not talking lately Don't you call him what you used to call me

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #298

“i don’t like what i am becoming  /  wish i could just feel something”

Do you have sensitive skin? Very. Do you wear necklaces or earrings more? Just my tragus piercing, really. I only ever wear a necklace sometimes if I'm taking a "nice" picture. Rings or bracelets? I currently don't wear any bracelets, but I do always have one ring on. How many toilets are in your house? Two. Is your current crush younger than you? By just a couple years. Are you a lighter complexion than your father? Yes; he's very tan, especially his arms from being a mailman. Ranch or barbeque sunflower seeds? I don't like sunflower seeds. Do you know the first five books of the Bible in order? No. Do you have a pet fish? Nah, they're not my thing. Do you believe being gay is a choice or a "disorder"? Neither; I believe it's a genetic mutation. It defies biology and the very motive for life, but I always say that a mutation does not, in any way, equate to "wrong." I am extremely adamantly pro-gay rights and bisexual myself, so I can't shit-talk it. What are some of your favourite sounds? Crunching leaves, rain gently tapping on windows, windchimes, birdsong... mainly nature sounds. There are others, I'm just blanking right now. Are you a warm weather or cold weather person? Cold, 100%. What time do you wake up? What for? This spans over a massive gap, honestly... I can wake up as early as 5 or as late as 9:30. Most often, it's pretty early, and I call that my "trial" of being awake, lol... because I will almost without fail go back to sleep for a couple more hours. Hell, that happens even if I sleep on the later side. Do you ever listen to music to fall asleep to? I used to do that in middle and maybe some of high school, I think; I'd fall asleep with my iPod on and earbuds in. I haven't done that in a very long time, though. Could you spend the rest of your life with someone who had bad taste in music? ... Yes? Their taste in music has nothing to do with them as a person???? Do you still talk to the person you fell hardest for? No, and it's best I don't. Have you ever wanted to get drunk and get your mind off everything? Yes, and that's how I found out I'm far from a lightweight. I wasn't going to drink more than I actually wanted to drink just to get wasted. Did you love playing hide and seek as a kid? Yeah. Who is the last child you held? My youngest niece. Have you ever woken up not knowing where you were? Maybe for a few moments after my surgery? I don't really recall. When is the last time you made the wrong choice in anything? Every fucking day when I decide what to do with my time. What is the most interesting thing in the room you are in? My snake, I guess. She's a champagne morph ball python. When washing your hands, do you wet your hands or put soap on first? I put on soap first. When was the hardest you ever cried? What was the circumstance? Probably when Mom literally dragged me home after I tried to walk to Jason's to talk the night of the breakup. I lost my fucking mind. Which gift cards do you have in your wallet? I don't think I have any. Coke or Pepsi? Coke. I hate Pepsi. What is better: cute smile, or amazing eyes? A cute smile. What song are you listening to? "Drilled a Wire Through My Cheek" by Blue October is on currently. Name your best friend(s): Sara. Do you know any mechanical stuff about cars? Nope. Last night you felt? I wasn't suicidal, but still kinda wanted to die lmao. Do you still watch Disney channel? No. How do you like your eggs? I only enjoy them scrambled, and preferably with cheese. What’s your all-time favorite song? "False Flags" by Massive Attack. If you could be any TV character, who would you be and why? Idk, I don't watch TV enough. Maybe Donna from That '70s Show. Very strong and independent, outspoken, and not to mention she has great taste. I find her to be a good female character to look up to. Do you ever come up with really good ideas for stories or movies? Do you do anything with them? Yeah; I'll try to integrate them into RP characters and plots. What sort of things do you post on your Tumblr? Vintage photos, screen caps, girly things? It's a Markiplier cesspit lmao. Sometimes I'll reblog shit I find funny. I've been very inactive on it, though. Have you ever had a dream that you couldn’t shake, even for days after you woke up? Oh yes. When was the last time you felt like a nuisance, or unwanted? Recently, I'm sure. When was the last time your dreams were crushed, or at least hindered? I dunno. How’s school going? I'm not in school. Are you angry at anyone right now? Myself. The last person to say they loved you? Mom. When is the last time you laughed hard? Hard? I'm really not sure. Are there any words on your shirt? No, it's just a blank black tank. Does it take a lot to make you cry? NOPE. Do you tell your parents everything? No. Do you get bored easily? I'm bored to the point of thinking being dead would be more fun at some point almost every day. I have anhedonia badly. I'm honestly starting to think I've over-medicated to a numbing degree so am trying to wean off some things. Have you ever burned someone's picture? No. How long was your last nap? Maybe three hours? I was really, really tired, though. Can you name the last time you felt happy? Probably when Sara and I talk-talked for the first time in a while. When was the last time you played with sidewalk chalk? Oh, I have zero clue. Probably not since I was a kid. Do you have friends obsessed with World of Warcraft? Bro wtf don't @ me. Have you ever punched a hole in the wall? No. Have you ever told someone you hated them? The only time I've seriously said that was to my dad before we reconciled after the divorce. What was the color of the bridesmaid dresses of the last wedding you went to? I actually don't remember... Favorite thing to do on Facebook? See The Memes. Do you wear flip flops, regardless of weather, all the time? I SAID don't @ me. What is in store for your future? I both do and don't want to know. Have you ever seen a live bat? Yeah. I adore bats. Do you chew on straws? No. Do you have any trophies? Yeah. Who’s the last person that creeped you out? Some guy who walked into the store I was at with Mom, continuously looking back and forth. Would you believe an ex if she/he said they love you? Well, that would depend on the person. Have you ever been kissed in the rain? Yeah. Anything exciting happening soon? My half-sister and her kids are visiting tomorrow and staying for a few days. It's a surprise for Mom. Do you keep a diary or journal (offline or online)? You could say these surveys kinda are. I don't have a designated "diary," though. When was the last time you took a painkiller? What was it for and did it work? I had womanly issues a few days back, and yeah, it helped. Have you ever had to go and rescue someone because their car broke down? When was the last time that happened? I mean, I've driven /with/ Mom to do so. I myself don't drive. What’s one sweet/candy you miss from your childhood? Is this item something you can still buy or has it been discontinued? Y'all remember Baby Bottle Pops??? 'Cuz I do, and I love those fuckin things. I still see them sometimes in gas stations. When was the last time you used some kind of moisturiser? A few days back for my hands. They were painfully dry. If you’re under lockdown/stay at home orders at the moment, are you struggling or managing okay? A bitch is s t r u g g l i n g. Has anything positive come out of the pandemic for you? Fuck no. Do you wear a watch? Is it analogue/digital? Does it it have things like a step-counter in it? No. Do you have any gifts from Christmas that you still haven’t opened or used? Not used, yes. Well, then some things are still in their boxes, but they're unwrapped. Do you know how to tie a tie? If so, who taught you? No. Who was your last missed call from? Did you ring that person back? Some number I didn't recognize, so no. When was the last time you had some kind of problem with your internet connection? Is this something that happens often? A few days back. It has occasional instances where it'll go out but come back on shortly. Do you have a favourite celebrity chef? No. Do you prefer pizza or pasta? Pizza. Have you ever volunteered anywhere before? What was the reason behind doing so? Once at PetSmart when they had dogs to adopt out, which was for school volunteer hours. I spent time with them, giving them attention and taking them outside. I also had two other animal-related volunteer days, but each was only a few hours because my fucking weak-ass body couldn't handle them. Have you ever been truly obsessed with something? What was it and how did you come to feel that way? I have an incredibly obsessive personality; I could probably name near on a dozen or so things I've been genuinely obsessed with. I don't know what it means to love in moderation. Some are/were pleasant obsessions, some aren't/weren't. Does it bother you when people turn up at your house without asking or waiting to be invited? Yes. Are you taller or shorter than average height? I'm the average for an American woman. Do you have any family members whose beliefs or ways of life completely embarrass you? YUP YUP YUP YUP. Are you scared of heights? Yes. When was the last time you lost something of great sentimental value? Did you ever end up finding it again? I don't know. Have you ever injured anyone in self-defense? No. What food do you find to be the most filling? Is this something you eat a lot of? In relation to its portion sizes, oatmeal or eggs. I can't have a whole lot of either. I wouldn't say I eat either a lot, but oatmeal is more common. Have you ever heard people talking badly about you behind your back? Did you confront them about it? Yes, and in at least two instances. Do you consider “home” to be the place you were born, or is it somewhere you create for yourself? I consider it to be my childhood home; not the one I was actually born in, but only because I was way too young to remember and we only lived there like, maybe two years into my life. Have you ever experienced having to leave your home due to a fire, or due to the threat of fire? No, thankfully. When was the last time you felt you were in a dangerous situation? When we had a serious tornado warning Christmas Eve. Yes. In winter. Are there any superstitions that you believe in? Which ones and what are your reasons for doing so? No. Are there any series of books/films that you never finished - either because you got bored of waiting or just lost interest? Oh, I'm sure. I Wouldn't say I lost interest in a lot though, I just wasn't interested enough, like for The Hunger Games. Which theme park is your favorite? I haven't been to nearly enough to know. Like, just one. Do you eat healthy? I try to be, at least. Though I've been doing very poorly about it lately because I'm a emotional goddamn eater and am having a very hard time. Do/did your parents fight often? They're divorced for a reason. Do YOU fight with them often? No. Would you say that you're respectful? I hope so. Are you a fan of Green Day? Yeah, I love them. Would you rather have 4 kids at one time or never have a kid? Jesus Christ, never. I don't want any anyway. Do you think 'friends with benefits' relationships really ever work? No. Do you or have you ever known a drug addict? Yes. Do you turn off the water while brushing your teeth or leave it on? I always turn it off. No reason to waste it. Do you have any nieces or nephews? Lots, if you include my half-siblings. Are caterpillars more cute or disgusting? I tend to find them cute. What's your homepage when you bring up the internet? Google. Was the last book you read for fun or was it for some type of assignment? It was for fun. Have you ever dated someone you met online? Yes. Would you go on a date with someone right now if they asked? Depends on who's asking. Do you own any band tees? Oh, I have lots. Off the top of my head, some that I frequently wear are Metallica, Otep, and Korn. Do you know someone who wears a wig? No. Have you ever kissed someone under fireworks? I don't think so. What kind of dressing do you eat on your salad, if any? I strongly prefer the Olive Garden kind, but I also enjoy ranch. What genre of music do you listen to the most? Metal of some sort. Have you ever dated someone who was way overprotective of you? No. Do you personally know any cops? No. How many different colleges have you gone to? Three. How much stress can you handle? Not much at all. How confident are you in achieving your dreams? I ain't got the slightest clue by this point in my life. What is one thing you thought you’d never do but have done or are doing? There's a lot of things, most bad, some good. Do you have to take medication for any mental illness? A lot. Do you like looking at pictures? It depends on what's in them. Specifically pictures from my past, that's usually a big no. Do you believe the dead can have connections with the living? I guess in very vague ways. Which family member do you get along with the most? Well, define "get along with." I by far have the strongest relationship with my mom, but we fight sometimes. As for who I stay on the most stable ground with, that's probably my dad. Would you ever be able to become a vegan? I know I couldn't, but I'd love to. How did you meet your newest friend? Who even IS my newest friend... Have you ever watched the show Teen Mom? What did you think about it? No, and I think it's an awful fucking idea for a television show. Put a spotlight on and money into teen pregnancy, yeah, that's a genius plan. Are you old enough to remember MySpace? Yeah. Do you think you’ll be a good mother/father? I wouldn't be. Do you have trouble deleting your text messages? I don't need to. Is there something that you haven’t told anyone that you actually would like to tell someone? No. Have you ever been called a tease? Yeah. Do people ever make fun of your religion or lack thereof? No. Do you say/do things a lot for shock effect? No? What was the last compliment you gave a guy? I probably told my nephew Ryder he was a good brother. Was one of your grandpas in a war? Maybe? Idk. I never knew either well at all. Have you screamed in a pillow before? Yes. What do you like more, acoustic or electric? Electric. Have you ever ordered something off a commercial on television? No. What's worse, having someone mad or disappointed in you? Disappointed. Do you still consider Pluto a planet? Yes. Didn't they reinstate it as one, anyway? Right now, are you at a high, leveled, or low point? What's lower than "low?"

[biillyhargroves]

re: this ask, I’ve been thinking a lot about the idea of Billy as a parent and more specifically Billy and Steve as parents and boy howdy do I have some Thoughts to share with y’all. 

like, how Steve has probably always wanted a family in the general “it’s what you’re supposed to do” kind of sense, because it’s what his parents did, and what their parents did, and so on and so forth and to him that’s just the natural progression. you get older. you get married. you buy a nice house and have some kids and complain about taxes. 

and Billy. well, he just doesn’t think that’s the right thing for him. because, sure, his parents did it and their parents did it, but god isn’t his whole family more than a little fucked up? he can’t fathom doing any better than his parents, he thinks his whole bloodline is cursed- or it might as well be -and that maybe the Hargrove name is better off dying with him. 

oh, but then they fall in love. slowly, and then all at once, if you’ll forgive me for quoting John Green. and Billy keeps telling himself that this won’t last, that it’ll end eventually, that Steve should be with someone more his speed (read: his status, because Billy’s family is not what you’d call wealthy and even sans-small-town-homophobia, he can’t picture Steve’s parents being all too thrilled with Steve shacking up with the likes of him). but it doesn’t end. they even move out of Hawkins, find a tiny apartment in Chicago. the rent is too high and the heat doesn’t always work but they each find jobs and they make it work. they use the birthday and Christmas checks from Steve’s parents, and the ones that Susan sends when she has the money (because she’s divorced from Neil now, filed the papers after Max went off to college because, with both kids out of the house, she felt safer, like she wasn’t putting them in danger if she pissed Neil off). Max goes to school nearby, visits them frequently, even helps them decorate because, let’s face it, they have terrible taste. years go by and that little apartment becomes cozy, starts to feel like home, and one night- after they’ve been drinking, of course, when their inhibitions are lowered and their tongues a bit looser -Steve starts to talk about starting a family. and Billy freaks out. changes the subject and hopes that Steve is drunk enough to forget ever having brought it up. 

he can’t stop thinking about it, though. he talks to Max about it- she admits that she never saw him as a family man, not until she saw him with Steve, and after they talk she starts asking when he’s going to make her an aunt; he talks to Heather- who has been his best friend since the summer of ‘85 and who gushes at the idea of him being father, of him and Steve being fathers. and Steve doesn’t forget. he just doesn’t bring up because he’s afraid it’ll scare Billy off for good, so imagine his surprise when they’ve laying all tangled and sweaty and messy in bed and Billy softly murmurs that maybe, just maybe, having a baby isn’t the worst thing they could do. 

they have to think about their options, of course. a surrogate? if so, who should it be? Max? Billy is uncomfortable with that. they could ask Robin, they think. perhaps Heather? they bring it up to her and she’s head over fucking heels. hell, she’ll give them an egg if they want it. and so it’s decided. and, of course, they keep telling themselves not to get their hopes up, because this is still a new science and it might not take, the doctors have told them this through every step- from the consults, to the check-ups, to the moment they handed over the check and Heather made the appointment. I mean, Steve’s hopes are definitely up. that’s how he is. and Billy knows it. he doesn’t sleep for a whole week, because he’s so scared of what might happen, he’s so scared of Steve being disappointed. Steve wants this. Billy knows how badly, but he doesn’t realize how much he wants it himself until he’s sitting outside the bathroom door waiting for Heather to take the pregnancy test. his heart is in. his fucking gut until she comes out absolutely beaming because it worked!!! she’s pregnant!!!

and, of course, Steve and Billy treat her like a goddamn queen throughout the pregnancy. she stays with them for a few nights a week; they get to feel the baby kick for the first time, they help her through morning sickness (which is, unfortunately, all-hours-of-the-day sickness for her). Heather officially moves in, and Susan and Max come to visit, in the last few weeks. they’re all there in the hospital when Heather gives birth, and my god, does she have the most beautiful baby girl you could ever imagine. Steve is the one to cut the cord, the first one to hold the baby; Billy is too scared to hold her, she’s so tiny, she fits right in the palm of Steve’s hand, and Billy is terrified of hurting her. it takes a lot of encouragement from both Heather and Steve for him to finally pick her up, feed her, burp her, change her. 

they hyphenate her last name; Hargrove-Harrington (her middle name is Holloway, because they wanted to include Heather- they wouldn’t have their baby without her, of course) (her full name is Rosanna Holloway Hargrove-Harrington, because of course Billy wanted a musical name, and maybe Heather was playing Toto a lot while pregnant, and maybe Steve mentioned that he liked the song) (they call her Rosie and Rosa as a child, but she goes by Ro when she’s older) (yes, I’ve thought about this in too much detail). 

Robin and Dustin road trip it to Chicago and decorate the apartment- they put up a big banner that says “Welcome Home Triple-H”, because that’s the name that Billy and Steve kept throwing around when trying to decided what to about the baby’s last name ( “Come on,” Steve said, “all three of us? Baby Girl Hargrove-Harrington-Holloway.”, to which Billy replied, “That’s too fucking long. Imagine a five year old learning how to write that fucking nightmare of a name.”, and Steve said, “Fine. A new last name: Triple H.” and Billy would just walk out of the room.)

the first few months are bumpy, but the six month check-up they’ve really gotten the hang of it. Billy isn’t scared to hold her anymore. Steve often finds them asleep on the couch together, or hears Billy singing to her in the next room (and, okay, he’s prefer that Billy didn’t sing fucking Motley Crue to her, but she likes it, and it’s so goddamn sweet that Steve can’t be mad). 

and Max loves being an aunt. she is with that little girl all. the. time. (and, yes, Aunt Max is totally there when her niece goes through her first breakup, and yes she absolutely brings her to the mall (Aunt El in tow, of course) to get her mind off, and I quote, “stupid boys”). Heather and Robin are wonderful aunts, too. Heather showers the baby with so much love. she lives with Steve and Billy until the baby is weaned from breastfeeding, and she drops by for visits every week. Robin is the baby’s favorite, though. she’s the one who never fails to get down on the ground and play with her, to wrestle with her, to teach her three different languages so that they can have secret conversations without the dads knowing (it’s all innocent, usually talking about Father’s Day plans or what Ro wants to get her dads for Christmas, but boy does it drive Billy up a wall - Steve thinks it’s funny, of course). 

and eventually they’re in a good enough spot to move into a house, and it has a white fence and Billy builds and swingset in the backyard and, god, how did this become his life??? when Steve casually mentions, one night after putting their daughter to bed, that maybe they should have another kid, Billy is surprised when he says yes. even more surprised that he’s the one that suggests adopting, because maybe there’s some kid out there like him, some kid that just needs some help. they know it’ll be hard, that adoption is already a difficult process without being a same-sex couple, but they go for it. Max, Robin, and Heather all write them recommendations, and Susan and Steve’s mother both vouch for them (they want more grandbabies, okay?). it takes time, so much time, but eventually they get a little boy. a little brother for their daughter, a new son, and they can’t wait to get him home. 

he’s a baby, just a few months old, and they name him James (James William Hargrove-Harrington, at Steve’s insistence, because “he’s going to be just like you. trust me. I can tell.”) after the police chief that helped them so much back in Hawkins- because you can’t tell me that, even Upside Down shit aside, Hopper wouldn’t have protected those boys if he could) their daughter loves her new brother. she dotes on him constantly, always wants to hold him, is the Best Big Sister. 

and Steve is so stupid happy. he thinks about how crazy, insane, stupid happy he is every night when he sees Billy sitting on the floor, the kids at his sides, reading them bedtime stories or playing them music, whenever he sees those kids look at Billy like he hung the goddamn moon, because, yeah, he always figured that a family was in the future, because it was supposed to be in his future, be never thought it could be this good. that it could be this perfect, that he would love it this much.

and Billy? he knew that Steve would be a natural. he’s proven right every time he finds Steve awkwardly folded up in one of the kid’s beds, having been dragged there to protect them from a nightmare; every time he sees Steve helping with homework, or tying a shoe, or when Steve becomes a nervous wreck when it’s time for them to learn to drive. but he never expected to fall so head over heels in love with his children, never imagined that he’d have a family, let alone that he’d stick around to watch it grow. he struggles. he struggles a lot. he still has a temper that takes a lot to control, and there are bumps in the road, but he has his family now- he has Steve, and he has their kids, and my god, if he isn’t the luckiest man in the world. 

anyway that’s what I've been think about lately, hbu. 

[you-did-well-moon]

questions tag :))

i was tagged by the lovely @bearboyunho thank uuuu

relationships: I was in one for a maximum of three hours dkejek. Ill explain in the breakup question. This is definitely not a relationship im proud of. It caused me too many problems considering how short it was...

break-ups: I have so many trust issues and insecurities, i think i still have a long way to grow before i can enter a relationship, besides i havent met anyone yet. I didn't lead this person on, i treated him as a friend. And i usually spent more time with him since we were both in track. He caught feelings for me which i honestly knew about but i didnt say anything bc i didnt have feelings for him. One day during lunch with all my friends at the time he asked for a relationship. He later confessed to me he did this on purpose because he knew i would feel bad saying no to him, and that paired with the pressure of my friends, i said yes. He held my hand, and it just didn't feel right. Everything didnt feel right. So three hours later i got him alone and told him i wasnt ready for a relationship but that we could still be friends. He took it relatively well, but he avoided me. His cousin confronted me and told me he cried all weekend, but she said she understood and that she was glad i said no in the end which i was confused about but didnt question just wanting to leave it behind. Then it all started the next year. Out of nowhere he texted me, which was ???? Bc i never gave him my number, but i talked to him believing he was doing this on friendly intentions. lol i was a dumbass. Later my friend revealed to me he had lied to her and said i was paired up with him during a project. I also found out he asked her for pictures of me. His cousin which im friends with also told me she was sure he was not befriending me on good intentions, and that she was creeped out by him. My friends had continuously told me he would speak about me as if we were together to other people, and that he stared at me for weird periods of time. At this point im fucking scared and confront him and say i dont want to be friends with him and that i dont think us talking or being friends is healthy for either one of us. He continued texting me, making me feel bad when i didnt respond asking me if i hated him i had to eventually block him. He gave me a present on both valentines and Christmas which i rejected but he forced me to accept them. After class i always packed up my stuff slowly bc i had a good relationship with my teacher and talked to her. He stood in front of me and just stared at me while i packed. We actually had a kpop club, and one day he showed up. I was part of student council, and at the middle of the year he started attending. He sent me kpop memes to try to get my attention. I felt so unsafe i told my English teacher. Eventually he gave up when i started being firmer in my silence and overall attitude towards him. so yeah.... a relationship that didnt even last a day caused all this. I genuinely wish i had been more careful. The red flags were there from the beginning and i tried ignoring them bc i wanted to be nice. Dont do that, if someone maked you uncomfortable please dont feel bad and cut them off for as long as you need to. Anyways- nExT quEstiOn.

kids: i dont have any but i want twins so badly it's stupid. I honestly dont mind having kids that aren't twins. I just want two tbh. A girl and boy.

brothers and sisters: i have one sister who's five years younger than me. Im very close with my two cousins tho so theyre like sister to me too. They're older than me by more than five years.

pets: i have three dogs. Two shih tzus Otis and Bella, Bella is mother to Otis. He's the only puppy we kept from when Bella had puppies. I have Rocky a very clumsy english bulldog. I also have a beta fish called Suho.

surgeries: Ive had two. One when i was four to get my tonsils removed because i got sick a lot, and last year i got my gallbladder removed because i had gall stones. That one was so painful i couldnt laugh or do anything without everything hurting.

tattoos: None but i would like one. Not big ones, just small meaningful ones.

countries i’ve been to: Mexico....i miss it

been in an airplane: my family is not in the class where we can take an airplane to travel or even travel to other states. Ive only been on it twice for a contest i won.

been in an ambulance: Twice as much as i can remember. Once for my sister who had a really bad seizure when i took her to a doctors appointment and the other when they had to transport me to another hospital when they first found out i had gall stones.

i sing karaoke: no but you can usually find me singing along to a song on the radio or randomly around my house.

ice skating: I would love to try. The closest ive gotten is rollerblading. I can't do any fancy tricks but i can balance, but oh no i havent gone in such a long time. My poor rollerblades are collecting dust in my garage.

been on a cruise: ..... this is a joke right? Let me have enough money to buy groceries first.

driven a motorcycle: ah i would really like a motorcycle, but no never.

ridden a horse: Lolol all the time. When i was young my uncle helped out at some stables that were literally at the end of my street snd and he always took me a long with him. A lot of my family especially in Mexico and in the valley have ranchos which means they have horses and you can usually find me hanging out with the lovely animals.

stayed in a hospital: I once went because my head was killing me and i found out it was migraines. I had gall stones for seven months and stayed in the hospital about two times a month so yeah i was there a lot. And for the surgery of course.

favorite fruit or berry: Watermelon and Guayaba. Also green grapes.

favorite color: peach and aqua.

last text: "ye ok" it was from me to my cousin since i was gonna go to her house but she was with my grandma who tested positive for covid so we both decided it would be safer for me to keep my distance.

coffee or tea: coffee. i need it to survive. As long as it has sugar im ok. But tea is great for when my stomach hurts. I just prefer coffee. I could drink it any hour.

favorite pie: Pecan, especially with ice cream its so good. Key lime isnt bad either.

favorite pizza: i dont really care? I like all of them but when i was little and we'd go to the mall my dad would always get this big pizza that was big enough to have things stuffed inside it and it tasted so good. Its a good memory.

cat or dog: dog but i really want a cat.

favorite time of year: Chritmas and Thanksgiving always. I love it. Especially Christmas when my family gathers together and we play games and everyone brings a traditional Mexican dish. We stay until like 4 am and its always great.

met a star: That one woman who had an affair with george bush. I met her. That doesnt really count. Yeah no one, i met basketball players but i dont remember from which team or who they were. I met ted cruz. Cool story tho my english teacher knew one of shinee's choreographers.

flown a helicopter:..... umm. nO..

been on tv: Nah. Probably in the backround of some news things.

broken my leg: no ive never broken a bone surprisingly.

seen a ghost: i had sleep paralysis it was close enough.

been sick in a taxi: never even been in a taxi. Ive been on a uber tho.

Tags: @doyoungbunnyagenda @butterflybam @brighttragedy @saturnsluna @waterfallsandrosebuds @jooheonyonehunnit @leecherryyong

[queerchoicesblog]

One Coffee And A Life Lesson (OH, Harper x F!MC)

So, since we will probably have the chance to have a proper chat with Dr. Harper Emery, the dashing Chief of Medicine of Edenbrook Hospital in OH book 3, here’s a fic with a hint of Harper x MC. I mean, we get Ethan, why can’t we get her too? xD

Obviously, since we barely get to see her and she’s the Chief, I could only picture their relationship as a slow-burn. So here we have Meredith (obviously MC xD) and Harper sitting down for a  friendly chat and Dr. Emery gives the intern a piece of advice.

Disclaimer: This fic contains references to panic attacks, loss...and on a brighter note, hints to my personal theory about the reasons behind the breakup between Harper and Ethan.

Word Count: 1778

Perma Tag: @brightpinkpeppercorn @bbaba-yagaa @abunchofbadchoices @silverhawkenzie @bhavf @begging-for-kamilah @melodyofgraves @crazypeanat @kennaxval @strangerofbraidwood

Harper Tag: the one and only @korrasamixlover 💕

__________________________

It was a bright new day at Edenbrook Hospital and Dr. Valentine was walking towards her next patient's room, scanning their chart on the way when she felt suddenly lightheaded. She blinked twice and headed towards the wall for support. Her heart started pounding in her chest leaving her short of breath.

As she was almost there, someone carefully placed a hand behind her back.

"Hey, are you okay?"

"Yeah, it's just-" Meredith said, hoping to sound as reassuring as possible and way more confident than she actually felt at that very moment.

She turned towards the kind stranger to see the Chief of Medicine supporting her and scanning her face.

Crap!, she thought. Who else would it be if not the Chief I’m supposed to impress, huh? My lucky day...

"I don't mean to alarm you, Valentine, but you're getting paler." Dr. Emery said, brows furrowing in slight concern. "Why don't you take a seat and take some deep breaths? Will you do that for me?" she added guiding her to a seat.

"I'm fine, really..." Meredith politely protested but as her legs threatened to fail she did as the woman said and took a seat.

Harper gestured one of the nurses to get a glass of water then she handed it to Meredith, sitting beside her.

"Thank you" the intern said, her hands shaking a little as she reached the plastic cup. "Gosh, this is embarrassing" she winced, blushing slightly.

"You have nothing to have been ashamed" the other woman commented.

Then she gave her a clinical look and inquired, dropping the tone of her voice:

"Have you ever suffered from panic attacks?"

Meredith turned and gaped.

"No! No...I mean, not so far!"

Harper checked if anyone was even involuntarily eavesdropping their conversation then smiled apologetically.

"I know you have a lot going on, the pressure of the competition, your patients, your rounds...you're surely dealing with a significant amount of stress and situations like this can trigger panic attacks. You feel overwhelmed as if the world is on your shoulders and you crumble under his we-"

"But I can't have panic attacks! I'm gonna be a doctor!" Meredith interrupted her, eyes widened with concerns.

Dr. Emery took a deep breath and checked the time on her watch. Then she turned to the intern again and offered her a hand:

"Come with me"

Meredith looked at her in disbelief.

"My break starts in five minutes and I bet you skipped your breakfast this morning, am I right?"

Meredith diverted her eyes.

"Typical" Harper rolled her eyes then offered her a smile to signal she wasn't mad at her. "Every single intern makes this mistake sooner or later. Let's head to the cafeteria, I need a coffee too".

----------------

Twenty minutes later Dr. Emery placed a steaming mug and plate in front of a frowning Meredith.

"Coffee and key lime pie. My favorite"

"I...you really didn't have to, Dr. Emery, I'm so sorry-"

"Quit apologizing, Valentine, and please, grab a bite of that pie" Emery ordered, but the look on her face wasn't stern

Meredith obliged and the taste of lime and cream exploded in her mouth. It was her first snack since...yesterday's lunch.

"I must admit, I was hoping to get to know Ethan's favorite"

Dr. Emery gave her an unreadable smile. Am I in trouble?, she thought. As she tried to find the right words to answer that, the other woman spoke again:

"Don’t act so surprised, it's rather obvious. I'm sure you've noticed how grumpy Ethan is and he's all smiles and kind words around you."

Is she jealous? I should have expect-

"Generally, everyone who dares to make him reason getting in the way of his devoted mission to save the world receives only scolds and harsh words" she explained, breaking eye contact to stare into the distance.

Meredith couldn't refrain herself from wondering if the Chief talked from experience. And if she diverted her eyes to hide a wound.

"Hm, we all took the Oath of Hippocrates...what's wrong with wanting to save lives?" she tried to articulate her thoughts.

Harper turned back to her.

"Nothing, Valentine." she smiled weakly. "Unless it becomes an obsession"

Meredith wasn't expecting that kind of answer.

"What do you mean? If...if I may ask"

"Listen, Valentine, I don't know what you've heard of me or what Ethan told you about me, but-" the other woman started saying but stopped mid-sentence as if pondering her next words.

She took a sip of her coffee before speaking again, her voice calm and steady as usual.

"I'll tell you a story. Now I'm a quite famous neurosurgeon-"

"The greatest surgeon of your generation" Meredith beamed.

Harper gave her a quick smile, recognizing the words every intern had whispered about her for ages in complete awe, probably hoping to be like her one day.

"Reaching the top wasn't easy. It's a male-dominated environment and requires absolute devotion to your career. You're forced to sacrifice much to follow that dream. But that's not what I meant to say now." she cleared her throat as if to push away unpleasant thoughts or memories.

"Back at the time, I was making quite an impression in the medical world and my boss probably wanted to test me. I was assigned to a pretty tough case, to put it mildly. A young patient with a grave illness requiring a very complicated surgery. Alexander Evans, that was the guy's name. I studied his case for weeks and I was about to prove my talent to the world and hopefully help Alex start a new, happier life. All I had to do, all he needed was in my hands"

Harper took a pause. She looked straight into Meredith's eyes.

"Do you wanna know what happened?"

The intern nodded.

"The day of the surgery, I was standing by the sink in the antechamber of the operating room and my hands were shaking. Shaking badly. It never happened to me before. I started spiraling down and my heart was racing in my chest. I had a panic attack. I'd spent weeks immersed in Alexander's papers and charts, I empathized with him, I got involved with his story, his suffering...I wanted to free him from his ordeal: I felt I had that power but out of the blue, as I was washing my arms out of routine a thought crossed my head. What if I fail? Alex would die or keep living an awful life and it would be my fault only" she lowered her eyes, reminiscing her younger self.

When she raised them again, she continued.

"In the end, the operation was a success, but we almost lost him once. I did the best I could, we all did the best we could and Alex still sends me Christmas wishes every year. He invited me over for a family dinner when I was in Phoenix for a conference. Do you wanna know what made me stop shaking and walk through that door? It was my mentor. He spotted me struggling and came to me. He grabbed my hands and held them until I calmed down" Dr. Emery mimed that gestured taking Meredith hands into hers "He asked me to take deep breaths then met my gaze and told me a truth I've cherished through all these years. The only real medical truth I know: to save a life you have to save yourself first. Let your demons get to you and you're done."

"You're telling me to keep my demons at bay..?"

Dr. Emery withdrew her hands suddenly aware that someone might have been watching.

"Who do you wanna be, Valentine?"

"A good doctor" Meredith answered without thinking twice. There was a fierce determination in her voice.

"Then don't let fear overwhelm you and cloud your judgment. Work hard, go above and beyond to cure your patients or to ease their suffering but don't become obsessed with it. Save as many lives you can but learn where to stop and accept the inevitable. That's the toughest lesson to learn in our field of work, I assure you. Mourn your losses when it happens and walk in the day after: you can still make a difference in someone's life. But please...remember we're human, not Gods. And this world is hardly fair. Carry it upon your shoulders and you will only succeed in hurting yourself. You'd be on way to become the angry version of yourself, mad at the world for not playing by the rules and frightened by failure. But you are not alone, you’re never alone: don’t let pride or some absurd self-martyrdom plan prevent you from asking for help if needed"

"Are you telling me to be careful with Dr. Ramsey as he has some kind of Atlas syndrome?" Meredith tentatively asked, thinking back to the initial rudeness of her mentor and the desperate determination in his eyes when he told her about Naveen. Maybe it was all making sense now...

Dr. Emery stood, her professional look was back on her face.

"Let's say, this was just a friendly life lesson, Valentine" she gave the intern a polite smile. "I'm afraid my break is over and so is yours."

Meredith would have never got another word from the Chief of Medicine, it was clear. So she thanked her once again for the snack and the talk.

However, Harper was walking towards the door when she stopped and turned towards the intern once more.

"Oh, I almost forgot. Willow and Rowan would like to thank you personally before they start the experimental treatment you signed them up for"

Meredith met her gaze. Before she could think twice another question crossed her mind and left her lips.

"Did you go to Alexander's family dinner? When you were in Phoenix..."

Harper was caught off guard but didn't lose her composure. Her voice was slightly softer than usual when she answered:

"Of course I did. Alexander is an excellent cook"

Meredith flashed her a bright smile: she was secretly hoping to hear that.

"Thank you, Dr. Emery. I'll meet Rowan and Willow as soon as I finish my rounds".

The Chief nodded and headed towards an elevator. As the door closed the hint of a smile still lingered on her lips. After all, Ethan's favorite wasn't bad at all.

[leigh-kelly]

If the Fates Allow: Part 13/13

Thirteen part Christmas fic loosely based on Life As We Know It. After Santana and Brittany’s best friends die, leaving their two kids behind, the ex-girlfriends are forced to move in together and raise their godchildren.

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9 Part 10 Part 11 Part 12

Epilogue will follow on New Year’s Eve.

December:

After Ava’s encounter with Santa Claus and the sadness Santana saw in her eyes when she told her that Santa wasn’t very good at being Santa, Santana just felt awful. Truth be told, she’d felt awful since the day she moved out of the house, but every day it just seemed to be getting worse. She missed seeing the kids every day, she missed the routine they had gotten into, and though she would try to deny it to herself, she missed Brittany. Over the ten months they had been living together, they had rekindled something that had been missing in Santana’s heart for a long time and she felt a little sick that it had all been thrown away.

Because they wanted to make Christmas a nice day for the kids, they agreed to do it together. Santana was going to come over on Christmas morning, they’d have breakfast, the kids would open their gifts and then she’d stay for the day. She realized that if there was one thing she and Brittany were actually really good at, it was co-parenting. Even if they’d had their spats in the time they were living together, the kids actually seemed to be well-adjusted and were in so much better shape than they’d been in the first months after John and Cassidy died. All Santana wanted was for that to continue…or really, all she wanted was for everything to feel right inside of her again. But she didn’t know how to make that happen.

On Christmas Eve morning, she went out and took Daisy for a walk. She just needed to clear her head, even though it was cold outside, and she realized the one thing that she couldn’t clear from her mind was Brittany. She thought about their eight-year relationship, she thought about how they’d never resolved their breakup, she thought about how even after two years apart, she hadn’t been able to explain to Brittany how awful she felt when Brittany had assumed she was cheating on her. So much was left unsaid between them and she didn’t know how she was ever going to feel like she was right in the head until she actually got it out. Then, she thought about Ava. She thought about her Christmas wish and how really, she was the only thing stopping it from coming true.

All afternoon, she stewed in her thoughts. Then, after eight-pm, she knew what she had to do. She couldn’t wait any longer to talk to Brittany, she needed to lay it all out on the table and just…see where it went. When Brittany had almost kissed her back in September, she’d felt that the spark was still there. It was in Brittany’s eyes, it was in her own heart as it thump-thump-thumped against her rib cage. She realized then that they were never going to be over, that all the breakups and movings out and everything else didn’t stop the fact that she still loved her and she was never going to be happy until things were fixed. So, she went in her room to get something out of her drawer, she put Daisy in the car and she drove over to the house, knocking softly on the door when she got there so as not to wake the kids.

“Santana, what are you doing here?” Brittany asked when she answered the door, snow falling around them like some kind of cheesy Christmas movie. If she were in Love, Actually or something, she would have swept Brittany off her feet right there. She would have pulled her into her arms and kissed her, she would have dropped down on one knee and proposed, but they weren’t in a Christmas movie. They were in real life and there were real life things between them that they needed to talk about.

“Can I come in?” Santana shuffled between her feet and looked down.

“Uh, yeah, sure.” She stepped back and let Santana step inside, eyes never leaving her as she slipped off her coat and hung in by the door. “Do you want tea? I just made a cup.”

“I’m good. No, that’s a lie. I’m not good.”

“What’s going on? The kids are in bed.” Brittany walked into the living room and sat down on the couch, the lights from the Christmas tree reflecting in her blonde hair.

“Here.” Santana reached in her jeans pocket and pulled out the box she’d taken from her dresser. She didn’t open the box, she just handed it over to Brittany and took a deep breath. Not letting her eyes move, she watched as Brittany opened it, her eyes widening as she saw the diamond ring inside.

“What…what? What are you doing?”

“No, no…I’m not…it’s not like that. I just wanted to show you. You kept asking me to tell you and I kept refusing to talk about it. That’s why I was so secretive. I just…wanted it to be a surprise.”

“Santana.”

“I know it means nothing years later, but I was going to propose to you. That’s why it hurt me so badly when you thought I was cheating on you. I wanted to give you everything and…you couldn’t even trust me.”

“It wasn’t you…it was me.”

“That…explains nothing.”

“You were doing so well in your career, I was still teaching beginner ballet for twelve dollars an hour. I wasn’t doing anything that I wasn’t doing in high school and all I could think of was that I wasn’t good enough for you. Why wouldn’t you want to leave me for someone else? It consumed me, Santana. When I felt you pulling away from me…”

“I never would have cheated on you, Brittany.”

“I know. I knew it when you walked out, I was just too stupid to see it before I said something.”

“You weren’t stupid.” Santana felt the walls she’d build up around this come tumbling down as she moved closer to Brittany on the couch. Just being in her proximity had the effect on Santana and she thought maybe the Christmas lights reflecting in her eyes were making it even more so. She wanted everything to stop hurting, she wanted everything to be good between them again. She never wanted to lose Brittany.  “You were scared.”

“So scared. The way I loved you…the way I still love you is the scariest thing I’ve ever experienced. I just don’t know how I can feel so much for one person.”

“You…still feel it?”

“I never stopped.” Brittany shook her head, wringing her hands in her lap and Santana sort of thought it might be so she wouldn’t reach out and touch her. “Why do you think I don’t date? No one will ever compare to you.”

“For the record, I have dated, and no one will ever compare to you either.”

“What are we doing?” She whispered.

“I…don’t know. I didn’t think that far. I just had to come here and see you. I had to know whether or not we still had some kind of chance.”

“Is it okay if I kiss you right now?”

“Please.”

The Christmas lights on the tree flickered as Brittany moved in slowly, trying not to break the moment, Santana thought. When their lips pressed together, Santana felt like she was coming home. She felt like everything she’d done in the past three years didn’t matter, it was all just leading up to the inevitable moment where they found each other again. It was Santana who deepened the kiss, Santana who wrapped her arms around Brittany, Santana who just wanted to melt into her and make everything magically better. It was Christmas, after all, shouldn’t there be some kind of magic?

“I’m sorry.” Brittany murmured. “I’m so sorry that I thought the worst of you when all you ever did was try to be the best. Will you ever forgive me?”

“I think…for the first time, I’m finally able to heal my heart.”

“I love you, I don’t know if that was clear.”

“It was totally clear.” Santana laughed. “And I love you too.”

“Where do we go from here?”

“If you’ll have me, I’d like to move back in. I hate living across town, I feel like I’m missing out on everything and now that I know you love me back, I don’t think I can bear to be that far away. We can take things as slowly or as fast as you want. All I know is that I’m done being without you.”

“And what about the kids?”

“I think Ava has more of an idea than anyone. She’s been pestering me about you for months.”

“What do you mean?” Brittany furrowed her brow.

“She point blank asked me if I love you.”

“What did you even say to that?”

“I told her that I cared about you a lot. What else was I going to say? I do care about you a lot, I always have. I know that I didn’t exactly show it the night of your birthday when I freaked out, I just didn’t expect you to almost kiss me that night.”

“I didn’t expect to almost kiss you either, but I feel so much when I’m around you that it was so hard for me to control. As much as we were angry with each other when we first moved in here, I still felt things for you. Then there were all those complications with the movie premiere and the reunion and I was so jealous of you dating Wendy that I couldn’t even stand it. I’m still jealous of you and Wendy…”

“Wendy and I aren’t a thing. I broke up with her that night I didn’t come home. My car got locked in the garage and all I could think about was getting home to you and the kids.”

“I’m sorry I accused you.”

“I know, I wish you wouldn’t do that.”

“I promise you, I won’t anymore. Santana, you’ve seriously always been it for me. I know you stayed here for two weeks after we broke up, Cass told me, but I went back to Lima and stayed with my parents. I didn’t know how to be apart from you and maybe, now that I do, I can love you better.”

“You always loved me best, Brittany. That’s why no one else could ever compare.”

“I think of all the time we missed…”

“Don’t think about it. Think about all the time we have ahead of us. I want you to hold onto that ring and think of it as a promise. I’d be crazy if I proposed to you right now, but one day, I’m going to ask for it back and I’m going to get down on one knee and ask you to love me forever.”

“You don’t have to ask me to love you forever, I already do.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

There was the patter of little feet on the stairs, but Santana didn’t make a move to separate from Brittany. Instead, she took her hand and squeezed it, turning to see Ava standing there in her pajamas, hair a mess from bed and rubbing her eyes. She smiled at her as Daisy ran up to her and licked her feet and Ava blinked rapidly, trying to figure out what was going on. She looked at the Christmas tree to the gifts that Brittany had carefully arranged under there, then she looked to the couch where Santana and Brittany sat close together. A smile lit up her face and she kept blinking, as if her eyes would clear and she wouldn’t see what she thought she was seeing.

“Did Santa come?” She asked, looking between Santana and Brittany on the couch. “Did he give me my wish?”

“That’s up to Aunt Brittany.” Santana smiled, though she was certain she knew the answer even before Brittany said it. Maybe wishes did come true, maybe Christmas magic was real. “If she’ll have me back, I’ll come home.”

“Santana, I couldn’t ask for a better Christmas present.”

[abnerpory]

YNTCD & Brave: kaleidoscope heart---of memories ( a novel)

First and foremost as a disclaimer, I am a firm believer in Kaylor/Gaylor. If you are not a believer you best unfollow me right now because we are diving DEEP into the pits of speculation.

Dexter Mayfield was a featured dancer in YNTCD.

This same Dexter Mayfield was a featured dancer in Sara Bareilles’ 2013 video for “Brave”—a song that was written by Sara and Jack Antonoff.

Brave came out April 23, 2013. Sara was inspired from the struggles that a close friend dealt with in regard to coming out as an adult. The lyric video features a bunch of young girls (very 22 vibe) making music and taking POLAROIDS. Who do we know that likes to make music and take polaroids???--NONE OTHER THAN MISS TAYLOR MUTHA FUCKIN SWIFT

The lyrics are really interesting:

You can be amazing

You can turn a phrase into a weapon or a drug

Taylor creates phrases with her lyrics that are often the constant discussion of debate. Could this also be future potential inspiration for the Don’t Blame Me lyric: My drug is my baby

You can be the outcast

Or be the backlash of somebody’s lack of love

Taylor is constantly facing backlash for her relationships ending badly.

Nothing’s gonna hurt you the way that words do

And they settle ‘neath your skin

The media and the GP mock Taylor and we know that Taylor is known to be sensitive (according to Todrick), which is why she doesn’t google herself.

Kept on the inside and no sunlight

Sometimes a shadow wins

Taylor is too afraid to be her true self with the public, which is why she is constantly surrounding herself with men. Shadows referring to her doubts about coming out. If we want to go REAL EXTRA DEEP and predict the future: daisies need sunlight and remember to “step into the daylight and let it go”

Everybody’s been there, everybody’s been stared down

By the enemy

Fallen for the fear and done some disappearing

I see this as Taylor who in the past ignored the possibility of disappearing, but eventually during Rep came to the realization that disappearing is something she has to do. Everybody who's ever came out has had to do some soul searching. She planned her next step to being BRAVE enough to come out and disappeared before Reputation came out based on this advice from Sara.

Maybe there’s a way out of the cage where you live

Maybe one of these days you can let the light in  

I don’t think this foreshadowing and inspiration needs to be explained further...  

Innocence, your history of silence

Won’t do you any good

Did you think it would?

Let your words be anything but empty

Why don’t you tell them the truth?

Taylor, as we know in her early days, was not vocal about her views and was very much portrayed as “America’s Sweetheart”-- innocent. Eventually she was scrutinized for it. Obviously, keeping her silence is something she can no longer do. Taylor can’t keep the act up...so, now we have this whole Lover Era where she is anything but silent. Let your words be anything but empty is definitely a reference to her songs that are about women that she masks as songs about boys.

Taylor sang Brave with Sara during the Red tour on August 19, 2013 at the Staples Center in LA. The performance is quite awkward. Taylor acts like an adorable fan girl. 

In her May 9, 2019 Entertainment Weekly interview Taylor says:

“This time around I feel more comfortable being brave enough to be vulnerable, because my fans are brave enough to be vulnerable with me. Once people delve into the album, it’ll become pretty clear that that’s more of the fingerprint of this — that it’s much more of a singer-songwriter, personal journey than the last one.”

Umm...yeah, she said BRAVE

Both Sara and Taylor performed at Stonewall Inn on June 14, 2019. Sara sang Brave and Taylor sang Shake it Off.

Stonewall Inn is shown in the YNTCD music video and now we have come full circle. 

After this Brave revelation I started digging deeper into other potential influences by Sara Bareilles on Taylor. 

Taylor’s album RED came out October 22, 2012. Considering that Brave came out April 23, 2013 I think it’s safe to say the empty words Sara was referring to in Brave could be lyrics from RED.

Speaking of RED, did you know that Sara has a song called RED?????

“Red is a chapter about my year abroad living in Italy. I spent my junior year at UCLA abroad… living in Bologna, Italy. It was an incredible year but also a very emotional and isolating year. And it was going through those difficult things for the first time that actually solidified my relationship to music as a songwriter. So it was me discovering Joni Mitchell and discovering my own voice as a songwriter.”

“For me the song Red, as soon as I wrote that, that was the turning point for the record. That was when I realized this could be something different, this could be something unique. This is a song that makes me open up all of my ideas of the possibilities of where this album could go. It’s a song about a relationship that was wrong and difficult and complicated and hard and impossible; but you can’t forget about it, because it was Red... and it was passionate and in a lot of ways. It touched you in a more real way than you had ever experienced before and I think that kind of relationship really inspired a lot of the songs on this record.”

“The Lucky One is a song that I wrote while I was in Australia; and it kind of talks about some of my fears, through telling the story of other people I was inspired by. But, more than their stories being told I’m pretty much singing what I’m scared of in that song...Ending up kinda caught up in this whole thing and lonely and feeling misunderstood and feeling that when people think you’re lucky you’re really not. So, it kind of expresses my greatest fear of having this not end up being fun anymore of having this end up being a scary place. And some people get there. Some people end up there. So, it’s a story song and it’s something I’m really proud of because it kind of goes to a place that I’m terrified of. “

Both Sara and Taylor share feeling of loneliness. Is Taylor lonely and feeling misunderstood as a gay woman in a straight world?? We also need to remember that eventually Taylor did go off the grid so she could see what her life would be like if everything was gone. 

Taylor, like Sara, is a fan of Joni Mitchell:

Even as a child.. (for some reason I can’t insert the video but follow the link to watch Taylor sing River as a child) 

It's coming on Christmas,

They're cutting down trees.

She grew up on a god damn Christmas tree farm!

I'm gonna make a lot of money

Gonna quit this crazy scene.

She’s going to be a successful singer and leave her small (christmas tree farm) town life.

She tried hard to help me,

She put me at ease.

She loved me so naughty,

made me weak in the knees.

I'm so hard to handle,

I'm selfish and I'm sad.

Now I've gone and lost the best baby

That I've ever had.

Oh, I wish I had a river I could skate away on

The song is about the breakup of a romantic relationship and longing to escape her emotional bonds as they are painful to her. She tried hard to help me, She put me at ease could, for Taylor, refer to her mother... but She loved me so naughty, made me weak in the knees could very well be a first girl crush that broke Taylor’s heart.

Are you still here?? Ok, next you have Joni’s song Blue (losing him was blue like I’d never known)

Songs are like tattoos

You know I've been to sea before

Crown and anchor me

Or let me sail away

I mean, COME ON, she’s going to sea...possibly drowning from her “anchor” and is wearing a BLUE dress.

Ink on a pin

Underneath the skin

An empty space to fill in

As we remember from Brave: Nothing’s gonna hurt you the way that words do, And they settle ‘neath your skin . Also doesn’t an empty space sound like a BLANK SPACE? 

And how many times has Taylor referenced some sort of crown? A LOT!

Now my readers, if you are still with me (I know this is a lot), let’s discuss Sara’s album Kaleidoscope Heart because we all know how much Taylor loves her kaleidoscope references.

Walkin' through a crowd, the village is a glow

Kaleidoscope of loud heartbeats under coats

“I think when it's all over it just comes back in flashes, you know? It's like a kaleidoscope of memories; it just all comes back. But he never does."

Kaleidoscope Heart was released on September 7, 2010--plenty of time for Taylor to become influenced by it for RED, a little over 2 years later, and now ME!.

Sara says,

“I love the imagery of those words, and they’re really representative of how I envision my heart. It's a colorful but fragmented, ever-changing sum of all the bits and pieces that make it up. A kaleidoscope is the tool that helps make sense of the mess. Or at least makes it nice to look at."

Taylor’s mess is of course her relationships. The bits and pieces that she is trying to make sense of and make to look nice are her pubic dating persona (with men) and her private dating life (with women).  

According to this article that got its information from Google: 

A dream of a kaleidoscope "refers to a connection to your childhood". The kaleidoscope symbolizes a "release of blocked creativity and gives you the opportunity to see yourself in the bigger scope of life."

Going back to Taylor’s EW interview she shares her admiration for (very gay) King Princess...

nostalgic adjective

a : longing for or thinking fondly of a past time or condition

b : evocative of a longed-for past time or condition

King Princess sounds like a connection to childhood if you ask me. Taylor’s released block is obviously the fact that she has to write these straight songs when she’d rather be BRAVE and write about her truth.

IN CONCLUSION: 

This is probably just a coincidence but Todrick just announced that he’s going to be in Waitress—a broadway musical composed and lyrics written by SARA BAREILLES

[unapologeticallyjaylos]

“Merry Christmas, Darling” - Jay x Carlos

HI ALL! MERRY CHRISTMAS IF YOU CELEBRATE! 

Here’s my secret santa contribution (put together by @descendantssecretsanta) for @stanfouqueen!!!! 

The spiked eggnog tasted pretty good.

Mostly because the liquor contents in Jay’s glass way overpowered the actual holiday drink.

That night, the weather was less “sparkling snowflakes” and more “biting frost”, but he found himself on the front porch anyway, staring out at the neighbors’ Christmas display across the street. The lights blinked and glowed in the frigid darkness. To anyone else, the indoors would’ve seemed incredibly inviting - with the warm lights spilling out of the windows, followed closely by the sounds of laughter and classic Christmas carols playing on that record player someone had gotten during a gift exchange several years ago. Evie’s Annual Christmas Party was in full swing.

Except Jay didn’t feel like laughing or socializing, and how could he listen to Christmas Carols when the same person who gifted Mal that record player was now a hundred miles away doing who knew what?

What would Carlos be doing right now? Jay thought, taking another sip and letting the alcohol warm his insides. He’s probably already decorated one of those strange, lopsided shelf trees that he always picks.

His boyfriend always insisted on picking the one tree no one ever wanted, arguing that it deserved to be dressed up and brought home for Christmas just as much as any of the other perfect trees. (“The misfits were valid too”, he’d always say. “I’m a misfit, and you like me, remember?”)

Oh, Jay remembered alright. Especially now that the correct title for Carlos was technically ex-boyfriend. Even four months after their split, he still caught himself forgetting. This time, he would blame it on the drinks. 

Somewhere in the distance, a dog barked - answered shortly by another dog. The conversation went on for awhile, each dog exchanging a few yips and an occasional howl from behind their separate fences, and Jay wondered how long he’d been sitting out there. So far, no one had come to look for him, which meant that he either hadn’t been gone long or that they were all too drunk to notice. Probably the latter.

Not that he really wanted them to come looking for him. Tonight, he was okay being kind of lonely because his only other option was pretending - and that wasn’t any better. Evie liked to say that Christmas and loneliness really didn’t belong in the same sentence, and maybe she was right. But people grew up. People changed. People got offered different scholarships to different schools and drifted apart.

I bet he’s studying tonight, the nerd, Jay thought before he could stop himself. In years past, he’d told Carlos to put down the books and enjoy life before it flashed before his eyes while he was staring at some derived equations or scientific theories. But this Christmas, Carlos was probably curled up his dorm room bed or somewhere in a corner, cuddling his dog and sipping hot chocolate, while studying the very same subjects he’d helped tutor Jay in not that long ago. And usually, Jay would choose a party over any night spent studying. But right at that moment? He’d choose the second option without a backward glance. It was kind of pathetic what he’d reduced himself to these days.

The noises of the night interrupted his wallowing thoughts once more. A few houses down, a car had honked and now, the sounds of ecstatic greetings and “Merry Christmas” echoed up and down the block. Family or friends come into town, no doubt.  Everyone reuniting and coming together again. Because that’s what happened during the holidays. People came home. People reunited. People understood that their friends and family had looked forward to seeing them over the holidays and would be crushed and disappointed by a simple text to a group chat that exam studies were just too intense and they wouldn’t make it home.

It’s not his fault, a voice in Jay’s head reminded.

Jay really didn’t want to resent Carlos for not wanting to come home for the holidays. All of his texts (however sparingly and usually sent to Mal or Evie) were filled with glowing reports about school and classes and life on campus. He’d been among of the select five percent of the country that were admitted, so Jay figured the place was probably equivalent to heaven or something. Who needed to come home when you had all the world at your fingertips?

“Yo,” came a voice behind him, sounding only slightly tipsy. “Jay, are you done feeling sorry for yourself yet? Uma’s about to open her gift and trust me, you won’t wanna miss it. I got her a stuffed shrimp; she’s gonna fucking strangle me.”

Without turning around, Jay took another sip of his drink. “I’m not feeling sorry for myself.”

“Oh,” Mal snorted. “My bad. I guess I mistook your sad slumped shoulders and sitting outside of a dope party in the dark drinking alone for self pity. Forgive me.”  

“Fuck you.” Jay wasn’t in the mood for her sarcasm.

“Look.” The wooden porch boards creaked under footsteps as Mal walked over and sat down next to him. “I get it. I miss him too. But this is ridiculous, Jay. All your friends are inside. And I’m sorry, but you gotta man up and stop letting him get to you.”

“He’s not getting to me.” Another sip.

“Really?” The purple-haired girl raised a disbelieving eyebrow. “Because every time you lie, you take another swig of alcohol, so…”

“Mal, I’m not in the fucking mood for your bullshit!” Jay slammed his fist down on the ground suddenly, but the other girl didn’t even flinch. In fact, she looked as though she might be grinning in the dim light.

“Yeah, at least get mad,” she laughed. “Getting mad is at least less pitiful than downing glass after glass of - what is that? spiked eggnog? - and moping around.”

“He didn’t come home,” Jay spat. “He didn’t come home! That’s that! So why would I go inside, huh? What’s the point of going inside, Mal, tell me. I already poured two drinks today out of habit, thinking I was getting one for him, but no. He’s a million miles away changing the world or whatever.”

“Let me guess?” Mal folded her arms. “You drank his glass, too?”

“Can you listen and be helpful for like five seconds?” Jay asked angrily. “Do you really have to be a snarky, sarcastic bitch every second of your life?”

“Always have, always will be.” Despite her answer, Mal stared at him closer. “If you miss him so much, why don’t you just call him? It’s not like you two ended badly.”

“I’m not gonna call him.” Jay shook his head, even though it was something he’d nearly done quite a few times. “It’s just pathetic. He hasn’t called me.”

“Oh, for fuck’s sake,” Mal groaned. “You really think Carlos de Vil is gonna pick up the phone and call you first? The kid who would rather run himself into the ground rather than ask for help?”

“Yeah, well, that’s his loss then.”

“You guys didn’t leave it on these terms, if I recall,” Mal prodded, taking Jay’s glass and stealing a sip. He didn’t really care. “You said you still liked each other, but with both of you at separate colleges, you thought it best that you have some freedom -”

“ - to explore other options, yeah, got it, thanks, Mal,” Jay finished with an angry exhale. “We didn’t want to rush into anything, make anything to serious, especially long distance.”

“You could’ve gone with him,” Mal reminded helpfully, (even though Jay didn’t find it helpful at all). It was something that kept him up at night these days. “He asked you several times. What? Do you think you chose wrong?”

“They weren’t offering me a tourney scholarship to any of the colleges up there,” Jay shrugged. “He got a full-ride to the best university in the world. And I’m stuck here.”

“Oh, please,” Mal snorted. “You’re going to a fine school with a pretty good tourney program. The only reason you’re not over-the-moon is because he’s not here.”

“I didn’t ask you to analyze my damn life.” The words came out bitter and colder than the night air.

“Well, you don’t usually sit around and drink a huge glass of self pity, so sue me,” the girl shot back. “Look, I understand, you feel like being bitchy. Don’t let me stop you.”

“Wasn’t gonna.”

A thick silence fell between them. Jay knew it wasn’t fair to lash out at Mal, but he also didn’t really care. He knew she’d understand; he’d helped her through countless breakups where the roles were definitely reversed.

“Last year, the Jay I knew wasn’t afraid of anything.”

And Jay positively growled. “Why are you out here? Last time I checked, the party was in there!”

“Because I happen to care about you, asshole.” Mal shook her head. “And I wanted to warn you that Uma is giving everyone pictures of their exes for Christmas, so… maybe don’t open her gift for awhile.”

“Great.” If Jay hadn’t been recently singled, he would’ve probably found the whole thing hilarious. Actually, if he’d been recently singled by anyone but Carlos he would’ve thought it funny. Usually break-ups didn’t hit him anywhere near this hard. “Is it least a good picture of him?”

“I swear to fucking -forget I said anything!”

They sat on the steps for awhile longer. Jay figured that at this point, Carlos had probably gone to bed. Or maybe he was up watching those cheesy Christmas movies on the hallmark channel. Maybe he was wearing those horrible striped pajamas that Harry had gotten everyone a few years back that everyone had somehow “lost” except the white-haired boy.

After awhile, Jay let out a long exhale, a puff of white breath trailing out into the freezing air.  “I think I’m gonna head out,” he sighed.

“You aren’t driving home, are you?” Mal eyed the empty glass on the step beside them.”

“Nah.” Jay shook his head. “I’ll walk. Pick up my car tomorrow. As shitty as this night has been, I would rather like to stay alive, you know?”

“Mmm, that’s a relief,” she replied dryly. “Listen, Jay -” Her face scrunched a little. “I know feelings aren’t really my jam, but I’m pretty sure you can’t just drink them away. And I don't want to see you try. Either call him or move on. Got it? Try and go on some other dates. Meet some other people. Like you both promised that you would.”

“Yeah.” He spun one of his rings around for a moment. “I know. We said that we didn’t want to bog each other down doing the whole long distance thing.” He stood up, helping Mal to her feet. “I’ll see you soon, okay?”

“Merry Christmas,” Mal offered with only a hint of a sarcastic smile.

“Yeah, merry. That’s exactly how I would describe this night.”

“Get home quickly. It’ll get better. You’ll see,” she called. And although he detected something underneath those words, Jay couldn’t quite figure it out.  

///

The walk home was better, he supposed.

Jay hated sitting still, even for short periods of time. And his muscles were shouting in protest after being frozen for all that time on the porch. The sleet fell sideways, glowing in the patches of light cast by the street lamps along the way, but now the he was physically moving again, he didn’t mind so much. And his apartment wasn’t far, so Jay would’ve gone so far as to say that he relished the walk.

Maybe I should’ve stayed a little longer at the party, he thought, now that he wasn’t so sluggish. He could’ve at least thanked Evie and apologized for being such a mess. But then he remembered what Mal had said about Uma’s very-funny gift, and decided he didn’t need to open up a picture of Carlos de Fucking Vil tonight.

Climbing the stairs to his apartment building was an ambitious feat, something he only realized about halfway up when he nearly lost his balance. Maybe he’d had a bit more to drink than he’d thought. Luckily, he managed to make it the rest of the way up unharmed. At least physically.

As he started down the hallway on his floor, his phone buzzed. Glancing down, Jay saw it was from Evie.

Heard you were finally heading out. Good choice :) Try and look up. Things will get better; I have a good feeling. Merry Christmas! Love you!

Evie made it all sound so easy, and for a moment, he almost believed her. That things would get better. She had that effect on people.

You and Carlos made the right choice, that voice protested. You both said that you were just gonna let the other one live a little. Go explore. Not be tied down. Is that so bad?

Jay’s fingers were so cold that nearly fumbled his keys, but after a moment of uncertainty, he got them back under control. Pushing on the door that always got a little bit stuck, he stepped into the apartment. The place wasn’t large by any stretch of the imagination, but it could pretty easily house two people. Even if it was only home to one now.

The lights were already on, and he kicked himself inwardly. Electricity bills were high enough without paying to light an empty apartment. And now that he glanced around, he could see several things that, not too long ago, a certain freckled someone would’ve kicked his ass over. The living room lamps were on, the Christmas lights had been left lit, and he still had clothes all over the couch. Although, the kitchen looked a lot cleaner than he remembered leaving it (Jay was like ninety percent sure that he’d left last night’s takeout cartons on the counter), so apparently his sober self had been sporadic in his preparations to leave.

“Fuck,” Jay muttered under his breath. “My bill is gonna be through the roof.”

“Not really,” came a voice. “I only got in a half hour ago. I turned everything on. You know, darkness isn’t really my thing.”

The voice sent a sharp stab of something down to his very core. Sometimes his drunk brain hated him. “Oh really?” he asked the voice. “From where, huh?”

“The airport, idiot.”

Shrugging off his coat, Jay huffed. “Alright, drunk me. You feel like making this night worse? Got it.”

“If you’d just turn around,” the voice insisted. “I think you’d realize that it's got nothing to do with alcohol.”

Standing in the hallway, leaning casually against the wall, was Carlos. Or something that looked like him anyway.

“I must've had way more than I thought.” Jay rubbed his forehead, blinking several times. “Maybe I should've taken a cab. All that walking and those stairs…”

“I'm not denying that you were drinking,” Carlos shrugged. “But I'm not a hallucination, dude.”

Suddenly, there was a pattering of claws on hardwood floor as a dog launched himself at Jay.

“Dude!” Carlos whistled. “You're gonna knock him over. Come here, boy.”

“Wait…” Jay stared at Dude, who was now rushing back to Carlos’ side. “Oh my God…”

“Hi.” Carlos looked a little more apprehensive now, shifting from foot to foot.

“How… where did you come from….” The taller boy held his forehead, wishing he could get a grip. He still wasn't entirely convinced that this wasn't all a cruel dream.

“I still have my key.” Carlos gave him a little smile, but it was quickly replaced by a frown. “And - uh - maybe I shouldn't have just let myself in - maybe that was wrong… I'm not sure….”

“You're really here…” Jay felt his knees weaken a little. “This isn't a dream?”

“No…” Carlos gave him a nervous glance-over. “Evie said that she didn't know if you’d take this well. I can leave if you want. I know we haven't spoken in… well, awhile...”

“Wait…” Jay’s mind raced to keep up with his words. “Evie? She knew?”

“Yeah.” Carlos looked down. “She actually helped me pay for the ticket. Money is tight. Even with the scholarship.”

Jay shook his head again, still trying to wrap her mind around it all. “So she knew? She brought you here? Why didn't she tell me?”

“She didn't know if you'd want to see me,” Carlos shrugged. “I mean… usually seeing your ex isn't what you want for Christmas.”

The word “ex” cut into his heart like a knife. A new kind of dread started replacing his initial surprise. “Yeah, so, um… you seeing anyone new?” He tried to keep his voice level. Carlos had the right to see other guys. “Because… I am. Um, yeah, I totally am. So don't worry about it.”

Carlos stared at him, an eyebrow raised. “Evie didn't mention that. In fact, she - she told me that you hadn't gone out since we…” His shoulders fell some. “Look, this was a mistake, I'm sorry, I didn't know. I told her that you would've moved on. I'll get out of your hair. I'm really sorry, Jay, I am.”

Cursing himself, Jay bit his lip so hard that it bled. Damn his fucking pride. Damn his stupid ego and everything that came with it. Why couldn’t he just look Carlos in the eye and tell him that he missed him? That he was really glad to see him? Finally, after a moment of throat clearing and coughing, he spoke up. “No, Carlos, stop.”

“Why?” The freckled boy continued to gather his stuff. “So I can hear all about your new love life? Jay, Evie didn’t tell me you’d started dating again. I dunno, I figured you were hadn’t like me - uh - and - I can’t stay here now.”

“She was right, ‘Los.” Jay ignored the dizzy feeling the words gave him, and pressed on. “Evie was right.”

Carlos paused for a moment, looking up. “Huh?”

“Evie.” Jay shook his head. “She was right. I'm not - seeing anyone.”

“You're not?”

“No.” Running a hand through his hair, the taller boy sighed. “I'm not. Mal’s been hounding me about it, though. It's been tough without you. Things aren't the same, you know? Like tonight, Uma got everyone pictures of their exes for our gift exchange, and I'm still not used to describing you like that.”

Carlos studied him. “Was it at least a good picture of me?”

A tiny, sad smile threatened to emerge on Jay’s face. “Dunno. I didn't stick around to open it. Mal insisted I go home  - wait, did she know, too?”

“Yeah.” Carlos looked a little sheepish now.

“The little bitch,” Jay realized. “She spent half an hour tonight trying to rile me up about you.”

“Surprise.” Carlos raised his arms half-heartedly. “So… you don't want me to go?”

Inhaling deeply, Jay forced himself to ignore his pride and ego and everything else that would just lead to another huge night of regret. “No. I - I would like you to stay. Here.”

“Mmm, don't hurt yourself.” Carlos glanced up at him. “You don't have to say yes.”

“I want to, though.” Jay took a moment to probe the metallic cut inside his mouth from earlier. “Like I said… things aren't the same without you.”

“Okay.” Carlos let out his breath, relaxing some. “Good. I'd feel badly if I made tonight worse.”

“If anything, you made it better,” Jay promised, sitting down on the couch. “Come sit down for at least a little bit. I want to hear everything that’s been missing from those texts you never send me.”

“Yeah… sorry about that,” his ex-boyfriend sighed. “I just never knew what to say to you. Everything I wanted to say would've gone back on our deal of giving the other space.”

“And here I was thinking you just forgot about me.” Jay pushed some of his clothes from the couch cushions to the floor. “Sorry the place is such a mess. I would've cleaned up if I’d known you were coming home - back. If I'd known you were coming back.”

“It's okay.” Carlos pointed to the takeout cartons on the counter. “I may have finished off the Chinese takeout you left on the counter. Sorry about that. But I also cleaned up the kitchen, so, maybe that makes up for it.”

“You've been here about five minutes, de Vil,” Jay said with a shake of his head. “You didn't need to clean up.”

“It was giving me anxiety.” Carlos folded his arms. “You're still a slob, you know.”

“Maybe I've forgotten,” Jay joked a little. “How can I remember that if you're not around to remind me?” The comment came out a little sadder than he had hoped. He definitely didn’t want Carlos to think that he was anything other than happy these days. “So, how’s school?”

“Great.” The other boy gave him a thin smile. “Really great. I mean, I like all my classes and everyone is really focused and driven.”

“Like you?”

Carlos shrugged, laughing softly. “I dunno, there are some really smart people, Jay. Like so smart. It would blow your mind what they’d all accomplished. This one kid in my hall created a software system that’s standard now for most professional computers.”

“And you can hack into that software with like ten clicks,” Jay pointed out. “He’s not so cool.”

A faint pink spread across Carlos’ freckled-splashed cheeks. “I like that you can do that.”

“Do what?” Jay had no idea what he meant, but he did know that he liked making Carlos’ blush. It was something he’d missed most.

“Make me feel special,” the other boy laughed. “Sometimes… it’s hard to feel special at that school.”

“Bullshit.” The older boy gave him a gentle shove. “You’re way cooler than any of the kids there. Hands down. And I bet their eyeliner isn’t half as straight as yours.”

“Maybe.” Carlos shook his head. “Tell me about your classes here. How are the girls? Is it nice to still go to the same school?”

“Yeah.” Jay didn’t add that it would be better if their threesome were a foursome on campus, but he probably didn’t need to. Carlos could usually understand what he meant. “I mean, Evie’s got orders coming in left and right. Mal’s doing her whole art gig, and I guess that’s great, especially when you have a successful business woman as a girlfriend. We’re all just, you know, living life.”

“You didn’t tell me about you,” pushed the freckled boy. “How are you doing? How’s tourney? It sucked that you guys lost last week, but you lead the team in goals, don’t you?”

Carlos was spot on with the stats, but the fact that he knew them at all surprised Jay. “Wait, how did you know all that?”

“Oh, um, people talk. I guess.”

Jay raised an eyebrow. “About an average university all the way across the country?”

“Not buying it?” Carlos shook his head. “Uh, I may have caught some of the games on TV. And looked up the stats. And followed your team’s Twitter. Does that count as stalking? I just wanted to see how you guys were doing.”

The taller boy hoped his surprise (and delight) didn’t show. “Oh, yeah, that’s cool. Really. Understandable. Totally.”

“It’s really weird,” laughed Carlos softly. “Sorry.”

“No, no,” insisted Jay. “I’m glad you’re still keeping up with the stuff around here.”

“Well…” the other boy shifted some. “I didn’t really care about the other players. Mostly just… you.”

Now Jay knew that his surprise showed. He hadn’t expected such an bold (or emotional) statement from Carlos. “Oh. Um… that’s cool.”

Carlos blushed again, but this time, he looked a more embarrassed. Maybe even humiliated. Clearly that hadn’t been the reaction he’d been hoping for. Once again, Jay had to kick himself.

Let those walls down, he heard a voice say. This time, the voice sounded a lot like Evie, strangely enough. Jay, you spend so much time hiding yourself and your feelings. It’s okay to tell him how you feel.

But Jay didn’t do feelings or emotions, much less talking about feelings and emotions. Mal understood. She hated sappy shit, too. But this was Carlos. If he didn’t say something soon, it might really be too late. Even now, the freckled boy was drawing back, distancing himself, putting his own armor back on.

“Hey, um, Pup?”

“Yes?” Carlos perked up a little at the nickname, but he still didn’t smile.

Jay scratched the back of his neck, sighing. “Uh… I, look, when I said… that things were tough here. I meant it. I’m… not doing too hot.”

“Really?” Carlos tilted his head slightly. “Jay, you don’t have to -”

“No!” It came out kind of loud. “I mean… no. Don’t try and apologize or let me duck out of this. Because I really sort of miss you, and I’m really glad to see you, and I don’t want you to think anything else.” He let out a breathe, that dizzy feeling coming back.

“You miss me?” The smaller boy’s voice definitely sounded hopeful.

“Just like every fucking second of my day.” Jay cracked his knuckles nervously. “I mean, I wanted to be alright, ‘Los, I did. I really tried to go out with other people.”

“How many dates?”

“Well, strictly speaking… none.”

“Wow, you really did try.” Carlos gave him a soft punch to the shoulder.

“Shut up.” Jay felt some of the tension in his chest dislodge. This was Carlos. The same Carlos who sat in the bathroom on the cold tile with Jay after one of them had a mental breakdown. The same Carlos who helped him get his first A. The same Carlos who slapped him on the ass when he changed, or set his alarm twenty minutes later to let Jay sleep after big games.

“So…” Carlos fidgeting with his hands. “This whole breaking up for the better thing hasn’t really gone the way either of us planned, huh?”

“You could say that.”

“So… what now?” Carlos looked around the messy apartment.

“Why did you come home?” The question came out of the blue, and Jay was powerless to stop it from reaching his tongue. “Uh, I mean, back? Why did you come back? I mean… you could’ve said no. Easily. It wasn’t a stretch or -”

“I came home because I wanted to see you.” His ex-boyfriend stared right at him. “Maybe I did wanna sus out how you’d been and… if we’d made a mistake.”

“Mistake.” Jay heard himself echo the word, and felt himself leaning closer. “Yeah, mistake.”

“Maybe…” Carlos said softly. “Maybe we should reevaluate? I think -” but he was cut off by Jay’s lips before he had a chance to finish. Not that he needed to. Jay understood.

He understood completely.

And later that night, when they threw a blanket over themselves and the (sufficiently tousled couch cushions), when Jay had his face pressed into Carlos’ familiar curls, drinking in their familiar smell and feel, the latter started to laugh.

“God, I missed you.”

“Merry Christmas, de Vil.”

“Would you use the word merry?” Carlos jabbed him a little. “I might use a different word to describe what just hap -”

“Shut up. Don’t ruin it.” Jay’s eyes drifted shut, but before he gave into sleep, he had to say one last thing. “Hey, ‘Los?”

“Yeah?”

“When you go back to school…” Jay paused, wondering why the words didn’t seem to want to come.

“I’ll be wearing my boyfriend’s jersey,” Carlos mumbled, sounding sleepy, happy, sated.

“Boyfriend?”

“Boyfriend.”