#no one has suggested this it's just my mental arguing with myself | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

yayeetsonny · 9 months ago

Text

One can only take so much… before they break

(Alex Morgan X OC)

Hi, yes i know i’ve been away for a very long time, but I wanted to give this writing thing another shot to see if I still had anything left in the tank. Hopefully this isn’t the most dreadful thing you’ve ever read. So sorry if it is. Please be advised this one deals with some very strong emotions and topics. Implied mental abuse, Suicidal ideation and just overall sadness and anxiety. This will be a multi parter as my fingers got away from me lol.

This one is 99% Alex x OC, although the character’s name is never dropped as I wasn’t sure if I was going to make this an x reader fic or not. If anyone has any name suggestions at the end I’m all ears. And future parts will definitely be more USWNT x OC

3.4k Words

Everything is your fault. It always is. Why can’t you do anything right?! It all fell apart because of you! You know that, and so do they. They hate you for it. Your own mother won’t even talk to you.

“Hey, kid… Kid?…Dude!” I was so lost in thought I didn’t even hear one of my teammates calling out to me.

“Huh? What?” I looked up to see Alex looking down at me worriedly.

“Are you okay little duck?” She said squatting down so she was eye level with me. She put her hand on my cheek rubbing it softly raising an eyebrow when i didn’t say anything immediately.

“Hmm? Oh yeah, I’m fine.” I said softly, making a poor attempt at a smile but I’m fairly certain it came across as a grimace instead. I looked down and refused to look back up even though I could feel Alex trying to get me to look at her.

“Hey… what is it?” She said moving her head so she could look into my eyes, which at this point were watering and I was doing my very best to force the tears away.

“I-It’s nothing… I-I’m fine.” I said, my voice breaking. I brought my hand up to rub my eyes and I stood up and tried to make a quick get away, but Alex wasn’t having it.

“Stop, what’s going on? What’s wrong?” She put her hands on my shoulders to try and stop me from leaving but I pushed her off and started to walk away.

“I said I’m fine, just drop it Alex. Please.” I gave up trying to stop the tears, they were freely flowing now and i let out a sob as I broke into a full sprint when I heard her starting to follow me, calling out to me. I ran passed several of our fellow national team, teammates who were watching everything unfold.

I beat her to the locker room, grabbed my stuff and made a mad dash to my car, getting in and attempting to regulate my breathing. The tears were still coming in full force, sobs racked my body as I tried and failed to calm myself down. How pathetic is this? Crying like a big baby, because your mommy made you sad? I really am weak aren’t I? No that’s not true. The girls always tell me I’m strong and that I’m their brave big girl. Yeah it’s a bit baby-ish but it gets the point across. I wrestled with my own thoughts and was so engrossed in arguing with myself that i didn’t even realize I made it back to my apartment already. I also didn’t hear my phone ringing incessantly while I drove. I hesitated a bit seeing as it was Alex, probably trying to figure out where i went. It almost went to voicemail before i decided to answer.

“Hello” my voice was raw from all the crying I did, but I sounded more tired than distraught now.

“Baby, where did you go? What happened back there? Why did you run away? Please talk to me. I’m worried about you.” She said all in one breath, I bit my lip contemplating my answer. Then i took a deep breath and decided to just bite the bullet and be at least partially truthful.

“I… um, I was going thru a-a lot during the break between camps, I mean I guess I still am going thru a lot right now, given my very apparent meltdown earlier. I-I’m sorry Alex, I’m so sorry. Please forgive me. I won’t do it again, I swear.” My damn voice started breaking again as the tears started back up.

“Hey, hey, hey… little one, please breathe, you’re okay. You have nothing to be sorry for. Take deep, slow breaths, in and out.” she said gently, guiding me thru some breathing exercises until my breathing was less erratic. “Can you tell me where you are please? I’m going to come get you and we’ll talk this through and maybe we can order a pizza and watch movies, what do you say?” She asked, I could tell she was trying to remain calm but I could hear her voice quiver just slightly. She was scared, and rightfully so, this isn’t the first time I’d run off and usually when i did, I became self destructive at worst and let myself rot in bed for a week at best.

“I’m at the apartment.” I said and she let out a sigh of relief on the other end of the line.

“Okay good. I’m on my way, be there in 10. Stay there, please.”

I took one last deep breath before I got out of the car and made my way inside. I intended to sit on the couch and wait for her to get home but then the more i thought about having to talk to Alex about what’s been going on the more anxious i became. I started pacing and started mumbling to myself about what i was going to say and how I was going to say it. I wanted to let Alex in but I knew if I wasn’t careful I would let her in too much and I wasn’t ready for that. Being 17 and all my ability to regulate my emotions and understand them wasn’t the best as I’m sure you’ve already figured out.

10 minutes went by quickly and Alex was there before i knew it. She quickly made her way inside and dropped her bag by the door, coming up to me and taking me by the shoulders again to get me to stop pacing.

“Stop, please. You’re spiraling, what’s going on?”

“I just have a lot on my mind.”

“Like what? Is it your family? Soccer?”

“Family.” I mumbled, attempting to yank myself out of her grasp but she just wrapped her arms around my torso tightly so i couldn’t run away. “Let go Alex I can’t do this. Please let go.” I kept fighting against her hold but she wasn’t relenting, and while i would’ve denied it in the moment, I needed that.

“Shh, shh bub, just relax. I’ve got you. I’m here now it’s all gonna be okay, okay? I promise. Please just let me help you.” She said softly and I finally just allowed her to fully pull me against her chest, she relaxed her grip just slightly moving one of her hands to the back of my head, stroking my hair softly, resting her chin on the top of my head. “You’re okay, you’re safe now.” She whispered, and she continued to mumble reassurances to me as she rocked me in her arms slightly.

“Do we have to talk about this?” I mumbled.

“Yeah kid unfortunately we do. You know the rules when you decide to run away like you did earlier.” She kissed my head before picking me up with ease and moving us to the couch. She kept her hold on me and let me curl up into her lap, I tucked my head in the crook of her neck.

“I don’t want to.” I attempted to say firmly but it came out as a whine.

“Remember what I said? It’ll all be okay. I know this is scary but I’m not going anywhere and anything you tell me isn’t going to scare me away. I promise you. You’re my brave big girl, hmm?”

“I’m 17, you know?” I said in an attempt to seem tough.

“And that’s why i said you’re a big girl. But you’re still the baby on the team and little one to me.” She said chuckling softly. “You can do this.” she said after a moment rubbing my arm gently.

“I can do this.” I repeated to myself. I moved myself out of the safety of Alex’s arms slightly, putting some distance between us and turning to fully face her, steeling myself for the tough conversation ahead. I’m a very sensitive and emotional person so these conversations always make me cry no matter how much I try to stop it.

Do you want me to call the rest of the girls? Is this something they should know about too?”

“Too many people. Not ready, I think it’s better if I tell you everything first and then maybe only tell them the gist of it after.”

“Okay, then that’s what we’ll do. Whenever you’re ready.”

“I guess I’ll start at the beginning. So you know how in between camps and during off season I go home to be with my family? Well I went and everything fell apart, and it’s all my fault. Just like everything always is.”

“Hey, no don’t say that.” She cut me off, she hates when i am self deprecating.

“Its true though. I fucked everything up. You know how my brother and I work at the same place right? Well and you know how my shift is closing? So I work 1-10pm? Which my mom hates.” She nodded her head as I was talking to let me know she was following along. “Well one night it was bad… The weather was horrendous because in my hometown we get a lot of snow. A-and so one of the days I worked I was one of the f-few people to show up and, when everything was all said and done there was a huge mess left behind from the disaster of a day we had….” I was beginning to become emotional just thinking about what had happened that night, and i hated that it still made me feel such strong emotions.

“It’s okay, do you want to keep going?” Alex asked me softly, stroking the back of my head softly. she knew sometimes that talking about things was hard for me and that i needed to take breaks in order to get the whole story out.

“Yes i need to. I can do it.” I said determinedly. Blinking away the tears.

“Anyways, it was a mess and being a “Back up Team lead” sometimes i made a decision to send everyone else home and clean up. And since my brother worked on overnights I called him and asked him to come help me clean up so that i could go home at a semi-reasonable time. He came over to help but when they wanted to send him back to his normal area he refused and he s-started arguing with his boss about how he was going to choose family over his job at the moment and they d-didn’t like that so they sent him home for the night, and he didn’t have a car so he called my mom to pick him up…” I stopped to catch my breath as i realize I hadn’t been breathing

“Shh, easy baby, nice, slow deep breaths, you’re doing so good.” She said. I hadn’t been looking at Alex very much this whole time but when I finally did I could see unshed tears in her eyes. I knew it was hard for her any time i was upset or emotional in a negative way. She gently wiped away the tears that made their way down my cheeks.

“My mom came to get him, and then she called me, and she was angry, she demanded I come home so I did and when I got there she told me she had a lot of opinions about what happened but she was just going to keep her mouth shut. She told me to get out of her sight so I did. She wouldn’t even look at me. Just like that I was transported back to when I was a little kid and she would get angry and she would just tell me she didn’t want to look at me. It felt like a knife to the chest. I didn’t understand what i did to upset her so much and I knew she wouldn’t tell me. All part of her “healing process.” I said bitterly.

“Fast forward to the next morning, I woke up to the news my brother had been fired. I called him to apologize and I asked him what our mom said to him and he said that she blames me for him getting fired. She said I should have known better. I knew how much he needed that job.” My hands were shaking and my breathing was ragged as I played with the strings of my hoodie.

“That wasn’t your fault, you have to know that.”

“Yes it was. It is. He hasn’t found a job since and he-he’s struggling again. You remember what happened last time he was struggling don’t you? I can’t do that again, I can’t! Everything he does, every decision he makes that’s not good is my fault. My mom wants me to be “an example” for him but he’s older! How fucking twisted is that?! Why are things never his fault?!” I yelled standing up suddenly startling Alex.

“Okay, okay let’s take a break hmm?” Alex stood up holding up her hands to show me she meant no harm.

“No! You don’t get it! Everything is my fault! My own mother thinks so! I know he’s struggling but can’t she see I’m struggling too?! ” I threw a plastic cup that was on the table across the room.

“Stop. Now. We don’t throw things when we’re upset, do you understand?” Alex said sternly.

My lip wobbled as I started crying again. “I’ve spent the last 4 years trying my very best to hold my family together through everything we’ve been thru. I got my brother the job working where i do and now I’m the reason he lost it. And now he and his girlfriend risk being homeless because she doesn’t have a job either. And if they lose their apartment they move back home with my mom, which means I’ll probably have to move back to be there with her because I can’t just leave her there by herself with them. It wouldn’t be fair. Which in turn means I’ll have to put my life on hold. The life I finally made for myself.”

I’m so tired of being emotional exhausted. I can’t keep doing this. I don’t even want to be alive anymore.”

“Woah, hold on… what do you mean by that?” Alex’s eyes widened as she processed what i said.

“I mean what I just said I don’t want to be alive anymore okay? I want the pain to stop. I need it to stop.”

The silence that followed was long and tense. I immediately regretted saying what i said. But realized i couldn’t walk it back. Alex finally took a deep breath and began speaking again.

“How long have you been feeling this way? Do you- Do you have a plan?” She asked quietly, her voice breaking as she did.

“No I don’t have a plan, I just sometimes think about how much easier it would be if I wasn’t here anymore. And sometimes I think about hurting myself but i haven’t acted on it. And i’ve been feeling this way since last year, when my mom and i got into that big blowout fight at Thanksgiving. You know she didn’t even want me moving out here? She’s never really let that fight go.” I laughed hollowly.

“Thank you for telling me, and being honest with me. I know that wasn’t easy. Why didn’t your mom want you to move out here?”

“She thinks you and the girls have too much of an influence over me. She thinks you guys are “changing” me. She threatened to force me to quit playing soccer all together.”

“What? Why didn’t you ever tell me any of this?”

“It didn’t seem relevant.”

“Didn’t seem relevant?! How’s that? If i had known that I would’ve just had you move out here permanently!”

“Alex…”

“No I’m serious! I understand you’re still 17 but you’re out of high school and you should be able to decide your own path.

“I’ve been trying, but the situation with my brother gives her more reason to say i should just quit playing.

Alex goes quietly again and I can tell she’s thinking. I can tell she’s angry. She has never really liked my mom and visa versa, their relationship is courteous at best.

“I think sometimes you forget that you’re still a kid. I know that you have had a lot put on your shoulders and that a lot is expected of you, but your brothers choices that night are not your fault and I’m sorry he’s having a hard time and he might have to move back home, which yes will be hard for your mom but that doesn’t mean that you have to give up your life for them. They will be okay. I promise you.”

“You don’t know that.”

“Yes i do, you wanna know how I know?” She said and I nodded meekly.

“I know because your brother is strong, and so is your mom. And while i’ve never met her I’m sure his girlfriend is too. You don’t have to hold anyone else up but yourself. Not anymore. Their emotions and their… predicaments are not yours to try and fix. i don’t want you going home for a while okay? It’s clear that it’s taking a toll on you and to be frank, This is your home. Here with me, With the other girls. We have you okay? And we will never leave you. Ever.”

I turned away from her and tried to calm myself completely. I was so over all the crying and I bet you are too.

“You’re probably so sick of me crying.” I said chuckling quietly. Alex Vehemently shook her head and wrapped her arms around me, kissing my head.

“Not at all, you needed to get it out. it’s never good to hold it all in like you did, you know that.”

“I know, I just…”

“Have a hard time letting yourself be vulnerable. I know love. I know. So here’s what we’re going to do. I think writing your thoughts out might help what do you think?”

“Maybe…” i said hesitantly.

“Don’t worry no one else will read it but you. And the only way anyone will ever know anything you write down is if you tell them. And I know you going home for part of the year is to help you be able to pay your half of the rent but don’t worry about it okay? I will cover any excess we have from the missing income okay? I meant it when I said your home was here with me.”

“Alex you don’t have to-….”

“Yes i do. You’re very important to me, and I care about you and the things you need. And right now you need a bit of a break.”

“Thank you. That means a lot.”

“Anything for you kid. Now listen I also want you to really consider talking to a therapist or a mental health professional about how you’ve been feeling okay? I won’t force you but I think you might benefit from it. And please talk to me, or one of the other girls if you feel like hurting yourself. I don’t want you to think you have to go thru that alone okay?”

“Okay i will.” She’s right, it’s probably about time i go to therapy, I’m still hesitant as sharing my feelings and the things i keep inside has never been my strong suit.

“Now, how about you go take a warm shower to calm down a bit more, I’ll order some pizzas and get the girls over here?”

“I’d like that.” I smiled softly and headed upstairs to do as she suggested.

About an hour later I was showered, comfy and sitting on the couch sandwiched between Alex and Christen. A “Chrislex” sandwich if you will. Tobin was on Christen’s left, Mal, Sam, Kristie, Rose and the rest of the team were laying as close to me as they could get and spread out through out the living room. Pizza was also spread out through the room as people shared with one another. We had Moana on as the girls said I could pick and that’s my go to movie. I was so focused on the movie i almost didn’t notice my phone buzzing at my side. I looked at the text that came thru and my heart dropped as I realized who it was from… My mom.

“You need to come home.”

Is all it said. My hands instantly started shaking and I had that panicking feeling rising in my chest again. Alex looked over at me curiously and I forced the fakest smile i could muster onto my face. I’m in deep shit now…

To Be Continued…

There will be a part 2 and the rest of the team will be in that one more, promise. Please let me know what you think!

#uswnt imagines #uswnt #christen press #uswnt x reader #imagines #writing #alex morgan #uswnt x original character #alex morgan x orginal character

114 notes · View notes

masquerade-of-misery · 9 days ago

Text

Just some mental health rambling, because I need to let this out somewhere.

If you are sensitive to topics like depression and self-loathing, feel free to keep scrolling.

In the past pair of weeks I've been spiralling deeper into depression again.

A lot has been happening in my life which affect me badly. I feel trapped, hopeless, disappointed, miserable. About life, about myself, about people.

It feels like whenever something remotely good happens, I can start worrying when that good thing will end, when it will turn bad, or what kind of "punishment" life will give me for having a moment of peace and joy.

I've been keeping so much to myself. Even with my family, whom I'm the closest with, can't share certain things, because they just simply wouldn't understand. I have only one person "in real life" that shares my love for Twst and who I can really talk to about everything. We live together, and she's an immigrant living in my country. Every 5 years, the terror overwhelms us when it's time to reapply for her residence permit. We live in constant fear of losing each other, of her application getting rejected. We are each other's life support and have known each other for 10 years now. If that gets taken away... I don't even want to think about it.

My parents and brother always tell me I can share everything with them, and they are here for me no matter what. And I know that, but... I also know that they would never understand my love for Twst and my deep love for Lilia. They would just suggest I see a damn therapist.

They would like to see me in a happy romantic relationship, but I have lost all my interest in meeting people honestly. I have never been lucky with men, and don't think I ever will be. I've been betrayed and ghosted by friends countless times, so I'm tired of trying to form friendships as well.

Also, I have huge self-esteem issues. I hate everything about myself. Every part of my body, my voice, my clumsiness, my social awkwardness, my struggles with verbal communication, my stupid blushing for no reason... I hate it all. I see my reflection in the mirror and have to tear my eyes away from it, because I despise the person looking back at me.

Last weekend, I had to realize just how different my brother and I have become, too. We've always had a strong bond, we were like the "prepare for trouble and make it double" duo. We argued and fought a lot as kids and teens, but we always have been a strong unit. But last Saturday, it became clear that basically I cannot say anything he considers "negative", "hateful", or "complaining", because he will turn it into a goddamn lecture. And the way he tells you his opinion is so condescending as fuck and makes you feel like you are a stupid kid who knows no better and needs to be taught. Even if his intentions are good, he still comes across as... arrogant? Mocking? And then when I said something nice about someone, it basically made me a hypocrite? So, no matter if I cuss at a stranger under my breath or make a kind comment about them, it's a problem??

I don't even know what topics to talk about with him, because our views on life and people have become so vastly different. His heart would also shatter if he found out I don't want to become an aunt and deal with kids, even if they are related to me by blood.

So, I just shut the fuck up from now on and keep most of my thoughts to myself. Even here, on my own damn blog, I'm not sure if I'll find any understanding. People are so damn sensitive nowadays, you cannot express any "negative" thoughts, can't get angry or sad, because then you become "toxic" and "hateful".

And then everyone is surprised why there are so many depressed, lonely, miserable people who don't want to or cannot open up. Or worse, they reach the point where they off themselves.

I'm tired. I'm just so exhausted. Even sleep can't bring me full peace, because my brain just plagues me with disturbing, disgusting, or simply depressing or nonsensical dreams.

I can't see the man I love even in my dreams. I can't hug him, kiss him, laugh with him...

I don't see the point in anything anymore. I just want to disappear.

25 notes · View notes

scarabsinthestardust · 4 days ago

Text

Tender // Ch. 4

MASTERLIST

word count: 2200+

CHAPTER WARNINGS: language; mentions of drinking/alcoholism; arguing/one-sided arguments; depression; anxiety; unspecified undiagnosed mental illness; tiny little spoiler for Better in the Morning, but nothing that will be a shock to readers that are caught up on it

The trouble with things going smoothly is that one tends to get complacent. They get comfortable and let their guard down. They make mistakes and people suffer for it, mostly the ones they never wanted to hurt in the first place.

Josh and I have been going strong for the last six months. We’ve not so much as bickered since the first argument. He’s somehow convinced me, on some uncertain level, that maybe I do deserve this happiness. The fear is still there, of course, but Josh has found a way to quell it, and suddenly I don’t feel like I’m drowning. He’s my spark, my ever-burning flame, and I think maybe I might be able to keep it from going out.

I never wanted kids, and that hasn’t changed, but watching Josh light up around them only increases my love for him. It’s no different with his new niece. He’s been fawning over Kya and Jake’s baby nonstop since she was born and has made it his life’s mission to ensure he’s the ‘favorite uncle.’ He talks about her constantly, and I’m surprisingly not put off by his incessant chattering these days. But I suppose all good things must come to an end.

We’re in his kitchen, cleaning up after dinner. Although I still have my own place, I find myself spending most of my time at his house. He’s talking a million miles a minute about his day, and his most recent visit to Kya’s. He tells me practically everything the baby did, which isn’t much considering she’s, well, a baby, but Josh is excited, so I let him have his moment. Then he says something that makes my heart stop.

“Jake said they’re probably gonna go to West Virginia soon to visit… uh, whoever you guys know up there. I thought maybe we could tag along, make it a whole family trip.”

“No. I’m not going to West Virginia.” Bile is rising in my throat at the thought, and I’m infuriated he would even suggest it.

He reaches out to touch my arm. “I mean, I’d be there with you the whole time. I think it’d be-“

“I said no.”

“I want to see where you grew up, and whatever happened out there, we can-“

The last remaining calm in me dissipates, and I snatch my arm from him, slamming my fist on the marble countertop so hard it shoots pain up to my elbow. “Drop it!”

He blinks at me in shock, and I pretend I don’t notice the way he flinches. I’ve never raised my voice like this toward him, but now the dam has broken, and I can’t stop. “Why can’t you ever just fucking leave shit alone?”

“Finn…” His voice is so small and soft that I almost feel bad. Almost.

“Stop. Fucking. Talking. For once in your life shut the fuck up. I don’t understand why you always have to keep pushing and pushing for shit you know nothing about! Maybe no one’s ever told you no, you’re so used to getting everything you want, but it doesn’t fucking work like that. And you don’t even understand one piece of what you’re prying for. So, stop acting like a spoiled fucking brat, and quit digging!”

I know he doesn’t deserve any of what I said, but the damage is already done. His eyes are filling with tears, and he takes a step away from me. His jaw tenses and he nods, refusing to look me in the eyes. “Fine. Okay.” He doesn’t argue, the first indication that I’ve truly hurt him, only turns away and disappears down the hallway.

My heart’s racing, my skin feels like it’s on fire, and I’m squeezing my fist so tightly my nails are digging into my palm. The house is too small; the walls might be closing in on me. I don’t hear anything, and Josh doesn’t come back out. I should go apologize, but it seems like such a daunting task that will only result in more confrontation, and will inevitably lead me to hurt him more. That’s the last thing I want to do, so I grab my keys, slam the door on the way out, get in my car, and drive.

I don’t have a destination, I just need to get away. It’s already dark; the bright oncoming headlights in the opposite lane make my eyes water. Or is it the guilt and anxiety? I very much wish I could go back and do things differently. Maybe it’s not too late to salvage my relationship with him, but I can’t return to him like this, when my mind is still mottled with rage. I don’t trust what I might do. Instead, I’ll do what I do best – run.

JOSHUA

When Josh told his twin he was coming over, Jake wasn’t expecting to find him with bloodshot eyes and splotchy, tear-stained cheeks. “Shit, what’s wrong?” Jake ushered him inside and directed his attention to Josh, concern painting his features.

“Finn and I got into a fight. And he didn’t come home. It’s been 24 hours. His phone’s going straight to voicemail. I checked his place, and I don’t think he’s been there either. What if something happened to him? What if-“

“Josh, calm down. I’m sure he’s fine.” Jake coaxed his brother to sit down on the couch. He gently reminded Josh to keep his voice down, so he doesn’t wake the baby. “Did he say anything before he left?”

“No. No, we argued… he was so pissed off so I tried to give him some space and he just left.” Josh didn’t want to elaborate on the details; he knew how Jake would react to Finn being the primary aggressor, and he didn’t want to make his boyfriend out to be the bad guy. He blamed himself for it anyways. “I don’t know what to do. I’m worried about him. And I checked the weather, there’s another storm coming through. What if he gets stuck out in it somewhere?”

Jake shook his head. “What are you talking about? He’s not a fucking dog, Josh. It’s just rain. He’ll figure it out.”

“No, he’s right to be worried.” Kya’s voice came from behind them; they didn’t hear her come around the corner until she spoke. “He’s always been terrified of storms. I don’t know why. He used to hide in the closet when we were kids, until it passed. But that also means he watches the weather like a hawk. I’m sure he’s found somewhere safe to hunker down until it passes.”

“Is this normal for him, to just disappear?” Josh’s eyes pleaded with her for some kind of reassurance.

Kya shrugged sadly. “He’s always been a little ghost-y, I guess. But I didn’t think he would just drop off without telling you. What… was it that bad of a fight?”

Josh swallowed as he fought back tears. “It… no, it was stupid. And I’m the one that upset him. I started it.”

Kya watched him carefully; there was something he wasn’t telling them. But she didn’t call him out on it. She figured if it was something serious, he would have said something. “He’ll come around,” she said. “He doesn’t handle confrontation well. I’m sure he just needs some time to cool off and clear his head. He’ll come back.” She didn’t let on that she was suddenly doubting her own words.

When Josh eventually returned home, dejected and depressed, he curled up on the couch under a soft throw blanket. He held his phone close and made sure the volume was turned up in case Finn did call him back. He wanted to stay up, wanted to wait just a little longer, but exhaustion won out and he soon drifted to sleep.

It’s barely dawn by the time I make it back to Josh’s house. His car is here. He’s probably asleep, which makes me falter. I don’t want to wake him up, but I know the longer I stay away, the harder it will be. I’ve rehearsed a hundred different conversations in my head, like memorizing a script that will change based on how Josh responds to each line. I’m honestly quite terrified. I considered just staying gone, but I know Josh well enough to know that kind of uncertainty would only hurt him more. If I’ve lost him, at least we’ll both know it.

I ring the doorbell. I know where he keeps the spare key, but I don’t feel like I’ve earned the right to use it. I don’t realize I’m holding my breath as I wait for a response. I’m surprised at how quickly he comes to the door, and I’m even more shocked when he throws his arms around me so hard I almost stumble backwards.

“Where the hell have you been? I was so worried about you. I thought… I thought something happened to you.”

He was worried? About me? I coax him inside so I can shut the door. I’m not keen on providing intel on our private lives to the neighbors. He sniffs and rubs his eyes with the back of his hand. When I finally get a good look at his face, my chest aches. He hasn’t slept; he looks exhausted. I know he’s been crying, and I hate that it’s my fault.

He allows me to lead him to the couch, but instead of sitting with him, I kneel on the floor in front of him. “I’m so sorry.” It seems like a good place to start. “I’m sorry for how I treated you. You didn’t deserve that, Josh. I lost my cool, that’s all on me. And… I understand if you want me to leave, if you don’t want this anymore.”

“Where did you go?” he asks quietly.

“Uh, Wichita.”

“Kansas? What the hell is in Kansas? Or… who?”

I’m mildly taken aback at the implication, but if the roles were reversed, I’d be thinking the same thing. “I promise you, it’s nothing like that. I didn’t plan to go to Wichita, I just ended up there. I…” I hesitate to tell him the whole truth. Hiding it is easier, and he may not ever forgive me. But maybe he’ll pity me instead, and that’s almost worse. “I messed up, though.” I pull my AA chip from my pocket and place it in his hand, careful to avoid his eyes. “I’m sorry. I know you’re probably disappointed in me. I found a meeting before I came back, but if you don’t want-“

“I don’t want you to leave.” He looks at the chip in his palm before holding it back out to me. “This doesn’t define you, Finn. You’re allowed to make mistakes.”

Mistakes get people killed. “You deserve better,” I admit. I’m giving him an out, an escape route, and the small piece of me that is still decent wants him to take it. I slip the chip back into my pocket, although it feels dirty now, contaminated somehow.

He’s staring down at the carpet, and I can see the wheels turning. “You weren’t drunk, though.”

“I got drunk. I went to a bar, and-“

“No, I mean before you left. You weren’t drunk when you screamed at me.”

“No,” I whisper. “I… I can’t go back there, Josh. You trying to convince me to, it… it triggered something in me, I guess. I can’t stand feeling like I don’t have a choice.”

“I didn’t mean to upset you.”

“I know you didn’t. I’m working on it, though. And I know it’s a lot to ask, but I promise if you give me another chance, I’ll do better. It won’t happen again.”

He stays quiet for a moment, sniffling as he considers my words. I’m still not confident that he’ll forgive me, and I brace myself for the worst. But instead, he leans forward, resting his arms on my shoulders and pulling me to him. “I’m sorry. Just please don’t leave. Let me help you,” he practically begs.

I give into his pleas, and we stay like this until he asks me to come to bed with him. “Will you just lay with me?” I hold him then, neither of us saying a word. His fingers absentmindedly trace my skin, just under the hem of my shirt. They trail along the small scar just above my right hip and I tense up involuntarily. The little patch of marred flesh is just a reminder, another in a long line of stories I will never tell him. He’s learned to quit asking about it, now.

I don’t think I really sleep. Josh eventually drifts off and I’m left alone. I don’t want to admit it, but my gut is telling me this is wrong. Something in me is screaming to get away from here, from him. Except it’s not because I’m in any kind of danger. It’s because I know he is. No matter how many promises I make, how many times he forgives me for the things I’ve done, or how much he pleads for me to stay with him, I will inevitably hurt him over and over again. There is no doubt in my mind that everything he’s tried to build in himself, I will bring it all crashing to the ground. I do love him, more than I’ve loved anyone this way. Some say if you love something, you need to let it go. But my love for him, and my own selfishness, is why I know I never will. I’ll hold onto him for as long as I can, even if all I do is drag him down with me to the pits of wherever the hell I end up.

///

@hollyco @fleetingjake @musicislove3389 @hailthegodsong @josh-iamyour-mama @katuschka

TAGLIST

Let me know if you want to be added!

#greta van fleet #greta van fleet fic #greta van fleet fan fiction #gvf #gvf fanfiction #jake gvf #jake kiszka #josh gvf #josh kiszka

14 notes · View notes

zoeykallus · 2 years ago

Note

Hi Zoey,

Thank you so much for your head cannons.☺️ Our Queen of Head cannons! Anyway today has been kinda a bad day for me; and since your stories have always cheered me up. Some backstory so you can understand what I’m asking: when I have bad days I have a hard time forcing myself to eat. Would you be willing to write a hc about it. That would be wonderful if you would. Gn character with bad batch and anyone else you would like to write with it.😇🤗 Thank you! Even you don’t write it that’s ok.

Aloha! First off, I have to apologize for taking so long. This request dates back to February 😨

Apart from requests piling up, the time between January and April was hard on me. Sorry! Enough with the excuses, let's get to work...

The Bad Batch x Reader HCs - Take Better Care Of Yourself

Warnings: Suggested Eating Disorder

__________________________

Hunter

As patient as he can be, he doesn't like it when you neglect yourself. Especially when he perceives it repeatedly, he intervenes. "I know you're not feeling very well right now, but you need to keep up your strength". You can argue or whine back and forth all you want, you see Hunter standing in front of you, arms crossed in front of his chest, brows drawn together critically. He won't listen to any excuses. He doesn't want to grumble, and he knows you're not really doing it on purpose, but from his life with his brothers, he only knows the path of severity in situations like this. "Eat at least half, I don't want you to pass out on us here," he finally growls, also making sure you do just that. He takes you aside later, massages your shoulders and talks to you gently, trying to relax you and bring you to other thoughts, hoping that he can drive away the gloomy thoughts and maybe stimulate your appetite again. He will leave no stone unturned to help you.

Echo

He can't take a joke when it comes to food, especially since he puts so much effort into preparing it. And Echo is a fantastic cook. When Wrecker is already reaching for your portion because you're not eating again, Echo slaps him on the wrist. "'Stop that! That's not your plate." "But-" Echo's critical, stern look makes the giant fall silent, pouting. You can't help but feel guilty, Echo has a knack for just looking at you and making you feel guilty about food or generally how well you take care of yourself. However, Echo also knows that he can't force you to do anything and might even make things worse. Instead, he'll prepare a picnic basket filled with all sorts of things you like best and arrange to whisk you away to one of your favorite places together at the earliest opportunity, hoping to stimulate an appetite there. He'll also take you up on that food problem. "How can I help you? What can I do to make you feel better, love?"

Wrecker

At first, he doesn't think much of it. There are rare moments when he loses his appetite, but he has already experienced with his brothers that this can happen. He gladly accepts the extra portion you offer him. But he notices that this pattern repeats itself, and he starts to worry. "You can have my portion too." Wrecker frowns, you see his expression suddenly look worried. "Again? Aren't you hungry?" "Not really," you admit. Wrecker seeks advice from his brothers before discussing the problem with you. He tries everything possible to stimulate your appetite. He gets your favorite snacks, creates a special ambiance, takes you hiking to make you hungry, gives you relaxing massages. Wrecker has no shortage of ideas. Wrecker wants you to be healthy and happy, he makes it his mission to make sure you have everything you need. In this, he is very persistent and lovingly determined.

Tech

The first few times, Tech doesn't say anything, but he notices and makes mental notes. In fact, he keeps a sort of mental log of all your mannerisms and things you do, among other reasons, to better understand you. Finally, you do it again, leave the food, and Tech looks up from his datapad. "You have an eating disorder." Surprised, you look at him. "What?" "Your strange behavior, regarding your food intake, indicates that you have an eating disorder. To be honest, that worries me greatly," he says matter-of-factly, pushing his goggles with his index finger and examining your body with his gaze. He explains to you in gruesome detail how this can affect your health, what diseases and disabilities can be triggered by the lack of certain essential nutrients over time, how they show up, the symptoms, and the less-than-pleasant end results. Tech doesn't hold back on this, even though he sees you squirming. He thinks it's extremely important that you're aware of any consequences. "Perhaps we should consider therapeutic measures before it gets to a point where we may be left with invasive, medical options. Force-feeding, is probably extremely uncomfortable." He may seem very matter of fact and maybe even cruel, but Tech is worried, he is approaching this in such a logical, almost clinical way because that is his way, that doesn't change the fact that underneath the matter of fact facade sits an anxious Tech who is in agony out of fear of seeing you suffer or even losing you. Communicate with him, tell him what is bothering you, what exactly is preventing you from eating. Give him the opportunity to work with you to find a way to address this problem.

Crosshair

He is very attentive and notices your eating behavior immediately. "You're not one of those who stuff themselves with food when no one's looking and then puke it back out, are you?" You look at him in surprise. "What?" Sourly, he says, "I swear, if I catch you doing that then-" Crosshair interrupts himself, he doesn't really know what to threaten you with himself, basically he's just worried and can't really handle it. He's going to ask his brothers and get information elsewhere to find out what he can do. Crosshair wants you to be well, even though it may not seem that way at first. He is not angry at you, but at the helplessness he is pushed into in this situation. It will take a while, but he is adjusting and doing his best to accommodate you helpfully. He will leave no means untouched, whether they are interpersonal, therapeutic, or otherwise medical.

Ko-Fi (If you feel like giving me some coffee)

@rintheemolion

@andyoufollowyourheart @clone-whore-99

@brynhildrmimi @kaliel2310

@misogirl828 @tech-deck

@meshla-madalene

@chxpsi

@thebahdbitch

@nahoney22 @ladykatakuri

@darkangel4121

@ttzamara

@arctrooper69

@padawancat97

@agenteliix

@allsystemsblue

@palliateclaw

@either-madness-or-brilliance

@ortizshinkaroff

@andy-solo1

@hunterssecretrecipe

@heyitsaloy

@greaser-wolf

@extrahotpixels

@hated-by-me

@hunterxcrosshair

@malicemercy

@bebopsworld

@echos-girlfriend

@cpnt616

@dangraccoon

@jediknightjana

@pb-jellybeans

@starwarsnerd111

222 notes · View notes

kuninkaanmurhaaja · 7 months ago

Text

Crystalline (3)

mwIII zombies au ghoap, hurt/comfort find part 2 here ---------------------------

"Alright, Lieutenant Riley, let's see..." the nurse started, looking over the clipboard in her hand. The anticipation as a short silence settled in the room was eating away at Simon, and especially John. Poor Scot was worried more than he let on around the nurse. "From what our researchers have gathered from a sample we took off of you, these crystals seem to be a result of the infection, yet... it's not turning you into a... zombie." She paused and thought her next words out carefully, "Not that you're exactly immune, of course, you just seem to have an odd reaction to it that we haven't seen in anyone yet." Simon nodded along, understanding what she meant, but that didn't give him an idea of the future. How this was going to affect him further than it already has and if it'll, well, kill him. John seemed to get to the talking before Simon could even get his mouth open, "So what does this mean fer him? Can he still even work? Is this going to kill him? It better fuckin' no, I swear on every last one of yer goddamn scientists they better figure this shite out. I'm no letting him die on my watch." The nurse seemed to take this as calmly and professionally as she could. She let out a short breath, replying slowly, "Sergeant MacTavish, trust me they're doing everything they can to understand why he's reacted this way, but it's not easy. We barely even understand the virus itself." She sighed, glancing at her clipboard, but continued, "In the meantime, we'll have to keep him here for testing. I'm sure you understand." Even Simon himself seemed opposed to the idea of being kept in the infirmary, prodded and tested on. That much was clear from his face. He immediately protested, and so did John. They argued there was some way they could do their testing and allow Simon to stay in John's company and do his work. The nurse tried to reason, but ended up with just a compromise, knowing she won't get through to the two men. "Alright! We'll take samples and while the researchers do their tests, Riley can keep doing his work. I know you don't exactly trust us, MacTavish, so when we get results you can be here with the Lieutenant as we read them out to him." She pinched the bridge of her nose with an exasperated sigh. Gathering herself, she set the clipboard down and leaned against the table, crossing her arms and finally coming to the conclusion of this visit, "Lieutenant Riley will have to stay on bed rest as his injuries recover, the gas did some damage to his lung that need time to heal. I'll be going, but you're allowed to stay with him, Sergeant." With that she took her leave and left the two in silence. ---------------------------

I don't really like this but i needed to get something out, and sorry for being gone for so long, I was having really bad mental health issues and needed to take care of myself for a while, but here's part 3. As always, tips and suggestions are welcome. <3

#cod modern warfare #cod mw2 #ghoap #john soap mactavish #simon ghost riley #angst #cod mw3 #cod mwiii #cod mwii #ghost x soap #soap x ghost #ghostsoap #soapghost #ghost mw2 #soap mw2

30 notes · View notes

amysubmits · 5 months ago

Note

Have you ever found yourself in a heated argument with your dominant partner? If so, how do you navigate this situation, especially when rules might be involved? For instance, if you accidentally lash out or swear during an argument, what would be the protocol? Additionally, what's your perspective on swearing in general within the dynamic? Is it acceptable as long as it's not directed at the dominant partner? Lastly, if one partner struggles with quitting smoking despite efforts, is it fair to enforce a no-smoking rule with potential consequences, or how else could this challenge be addressed within the relationship?

Sorry for the delay on this, I forgot about it until another ask came in that made me check my inbox on here. I have childhood trauma that basically caused me to get detached from the 'fight' trauma response. I have a really hard time getting myself to feel primary anger for similar reasons. When others are heated (even strangers) it causes me to shut down and fawn (the trauma response). So, I've never really gotten into a back-and-forth heated argument. The most I've ever done before 'shutting down' is about 3 snips. For example, I snip at him, he snips back, I snip again and then shut down if he snips back. We've never had an argument get more heated than that as I just shut down and freeze or fawn. In general, I think the questions you're asking are totally dependent on the relationship and what has been agreed to. In my opinion, if you're anywhere close to arguing, you should be in a "meta-talk" meaning you are not seeing the sub as having less authority in that particular conversation. Some couples have a policy where someone has to announce or request a meta-talk, others will just say if we're talking about certain topics (including our dynamic) then those conversations are being had as equals in authority regardless of whether we've specifically announced or requested a meta-talk or not.

What's your perspective on swearing in general within the dynamic? We are small town midwestern people who were raised by rednecks. My family is made up of a lot of truckers, factory workers, etc and they swear a lot. I remember being shocked as a kid when I got old enough to realize that "mother fucker" and "cock sucker" had more meaning than I had realized when I was little (which was to basically just think they were made-up words that mean something similar to 'damn it')...but I knew those terms for YEARS before I was old enough to know anything about sex. I don't use the more crude phrases like that (at least not with any regularity), but CD doesn't care if I swear. It's just normal to us for adults to swear in casual settings. so, swearing has never been involved in our dynamic in any way. I wouldn't want to swear AT him in a disrespectful way (like calling him names or insulting him) but that's just about respect it's not specific to swearing or not.

Lastly, if one partner struggles with quitting smoking despite efforts, is it fair to enforce a no-smoking rule with potential consequences, or how else could this challenge be addressed within the relationship?

I personally think it's best to avoid using D/s to try to resolve addiction issues or mental health issues. Smoking is certainly an addiction, often physically AND emotionally. I would not suggest addressing it with consequences as that's likely to add in guilt which can just make the situation even heavier emotionally than it already is. If you're going to do anything with it D/s wise, perhaps some sort of reward system for when they are doing well, or supporting them with alternative coping methods. For example, if they know that they have a spike of desire to smoke when they feel stressed, you could implement some sort of routine for what they do when they notice their stress spiking, like texting you to let you know that they're in need of emotional support and encouragement or something.

#asks #d/s

22 notes · View notes

fiannalover · 1 month ago

Text

bweirdOCtober Day 9 - Relationships

Post-College Medeia - Thread

“You are lost.”

“Mayhaps. But the journey is what matters most, no?”

“It is. Though less so when your destination has a strict time window.”

Once upon a time, there was a witch. Although, that wasn’t the profession she’d use to describe herself. Her long black hair, color that combined with her conversation partner’s attire, was slightly messed up by the wind passing by.

Hearing his answer, she frowned and returned to alternating between staring at her map and her cellphone that held the bare minimum of data, in hopes they made any sense whatsoever. In fact, all her travels carried a time limit, which, thematically, was very appropriate.

“I don’t suppose you could give me some hint regarding where I should go? It is your cult, after all.” She argued.

“I could. But this is your lead and your hunt, Medeia. And in my defense, it was more of a cult to dethrone me than to assist me.” The man accompanying her answered, floating a short answer behind her while wearing a tailor-made suit adorned by punctual, but valuable, rings, watch and jewels. “Of course, you have other tools that you can use at any moment.”

The suggestion was received and immediately thrown away. At the same moment, the spark of realization came to her face, showing she found the desired thread. “No problems, I located myself. Onwards!”

“Right behind you.”

Once upon a time, there was a girl, the kind you'd find anywhere. And her travel companion, Death.

A little village in the middle of nowhere.

Medeia had stopped by many of them on her odyssey,

“Your people really like this kind of place, don’t they?” She asked, while typing away in her notebook, the soundtrack of a tween musical playing softly as she worked.

“They are death cults. You do not think most of them would try to hide away in the midst of the biggest metropolis, do you?” He answered, filing his nails.

“Wouldn’t be impossible. Both of us have already lived in one of the biggest cities of the country. We know very well it’s super easy to hide stuff there.” She ceased typing for a second, pondering over some possibilities. “There likely are a bunch of rich guys plotting stuff right under our noses on some capital. I should go to one after exhausting my current clues.“

“Who knows. I but request you to remember, all business I realized in the world of the living was completely legal and according to the law. Including precious jewels that, officially, I found by pure luck. You cannot blame my own golden touch.“

“Don’t worry, Pluto, I know. You’re my favorite capitalist.“ She said, using the name few mortals were aware belonged to him. Closing her notebook and getting up from the chair, she declared. “Alright, let’s see what we’ll find here.“

-----

“You know, you probably would find the right path more easily if you used magic.“ He suggested, making use of his incorporeality to randomly go through the ruins’ walls.

Writing down all she saw on a notepad, she replied. “I remain only a potion maker and journalist. I clearly have no sanity and am addicted to adrenaline, but I won’t use free magic to make this worse.”

She kept patting around the walls and furniture of the place, eventually making an unnoticed mirror fall to the floor and shatter in a thousand pieces. Welp, just another relic of incalculable historical value.

One of the shards made a small cut on her leg, though, creating a thin thread of blood that would go all the way to her heel. Annoying, but no big problem. Still, she made a mental note to exchange her shoes for bigger boots.

“You know, I don’t think this partnership of ours is very equal.” She said, repeating an argument they made every other week, almost a little inside joke.

“Because it isn’t. I can destroy these magical artifacts and cults at any moment. But I grant you the opportunity to do so yourself, to further your own goals.”

“And for that not quite bare minimum, I’m eternally ungrateful.” After that jest, she finally found a place that looked slightly weird. Taking a small vial from her pockets, she spilled its liquid on the floor, making a stairway show itself. Great. At last, progress.

-----

A salvo of shotguns ringed through the air above the strategically located waist high half-wall Medea was protecting herself with.

“You REALLY can’t help me right now?” She shouted, her cover vibrating from the impact of the guns.

“In your age’s terms, nope. Work your magic, alchemist.” He replied, noticeable only to her.

She needed no magic. All that mattered was resources, ingenuity…

And many wiles!

At a spot, the noise surrounding her faded ever so slightly. Realizing her assailants were reloading, she quickly grabbed a potion bottle and threw it towards them as strongly as possible. With the cracking sound of impact and their surprised noises, she knew she hit her target.

Alright. Let's face the music!

-----

"Food poisoning. All considered, you suffer from that very rarely, for someone who is always traveling." Death pointed out.

"Hahaha. Very… urgh." Medeia remained on her knees, holding back nausea while facing the lunch she just finished throwing on the side of the road. "Very funny, Plu-"

The girl couldn't finish the sentence, instead returning to throwing out her own stomach. Truly, a lesson to never trust divine-looking beef.

Throughout the entire experience, her travel companion used one of his hands to hold her long black hair, keeping it from dirtying itself, while the other hand calmly pet her head or back, soft, calm words comforting her all the while.

It was a parental care she long didn't feel.

-----

In an almost desert, with no visible reference points, Medeia evaluated her maps and information. She could keep riding down the road with her bike, no problems, but having some idea of how long it would be before she got anywhere would be handy.

She somewhat asked herself how it would be like to be made of the same material as clouds or have the same wings birds use to fly. And in doing so, she noticed she was really, really bored.

"Why do you follow me?" She asked.

"We have known each other for a very long time. Old friends, practically." He answered.

"You can say that to a lot of people, not just me. Even within the occult means, I'm sure I'm not the only one."

"You are not. But you're also dedicated to solving terrible incidents being built with me in mind, be it in homage or against me."

"I am. But you're Death. You don't need my help to fix these."

"No, I do not. However, your motives are unique enough for me to consider them worthy of my support." He explained, putting an end to their little back-and-forth with a more in-depth explanation. "Mages are creatures of extremes. Many, as you know within your own blood, aim to deny me, destroying the natural order of our world. Others still seek to wreak great destruction, thus ignoring the equilibrium of life. You, not being a mage, are a very sensible person, Medeia. And your reasons for seeking passageways to my kingdom are approved."

And so, he vanished, leaving her with her own thoughts for a while. But she knew he was close by, as always. He was many things, but not a hunter unbeknownst to his prey.

Looking at her map again, she noticed she should go east. As she prepared to put it all back inside her bag, she found a piece of obsidian, which would easily finance her next hotel.

"Thank you, Pluto." Closing her baggage, she kept on going.

-----

Entering the new set of ruins, defeating the local cult with a sleep potion, a wool scarf and a high jump kick from really sturdy boots and finding the relevant magical artifact was, all considered, rather easy, with the maze she traversed to get there having unraveled in front of her experienced gaze.

Incense and liquids she brought now adorned an altar surrounding a curious mirror that, soonly, would cease having a connection to a world beyond.

"Alright, I think I neutralized the portal enough. How long can I make use of it?" She asked.

"Roughly ten minutes. Unfortunately, I cannot allow it to remain open any longer than that." Death informed her.

"Less than I got last time. Welp, it's enough. The cops are getting in eighteen or so to pick them up anyway." She reasoned. Picking up a brush and a hand mirror from her pockets, she looked at her own appearance for a bit, before deciding she was satisfied. "Let's do this."

The potion maker put down a feather and a golden coin in front of her, then lightly cut her own hand, letting blood fall on the proper place. Then, holding on to the mirror, she let her magic activate its restrained power.

Her reflection quickly vanished as the portal activated. In its place, were plains in eternal spring and, within them, a girl with the purest tranquility in her face.

It couldn't be traversed. It was but a camera, microphone and audio system, traversing the greatest of distances between two people.

Noticing the portal, the girl turned around and greeted the person standing on the other side with the greatest possible smile on her face.

From the deathly catacombs where she found herself at, Medeia theatrically bowed and proclaimed. "Fair maiden! Many dangers and journeys I faced to see thy lovely face once again!" With the overkill court provoking the desired laughter, she stood up straight and affirmed. "You're as beautiful as ever, Ariadne."

Carrying that special smile, from within her peaceful eternal rest, she answered. "And you're as courageous and smart as the last time we saw one another, my Medeia."

At the end of day, there is only one that truly makes life worth living.

And so, each and every day, she would search for her love's thread.

#bweirdoctober #fian's ocs #medeia camille #ariadne saint-saens

11 notes · View notes

redditreceipts · 1 year ago

Note

I've been a very staunch supporter of trans ppl for years. I have learned to swallow my discomfort around some of the things said in those circles. When they said it was transphobic for lesbians to not like dick, I bit my tongue. I told myself, "this is just the loud minority" and to be fair I do think that is the minority but still ... as a lesbian I wasn't even able to talk about people who argued that because "it never happens. No one says that. That sounds like a transphobic lie." And I hate the constant assertions that gender is real, innate, and that everyone feels it. I can't describe my own experiences with growing up as a woman without someone telling me that maybe I'm nonbinary ... no thanks I tried that for a while. I respect everyone's gender, or I want to, but apparently doing that also requires me to put that oppressive structure onto myself and act like it's liberating.

The final snapping point for me was a trans woman telling me that I'm privileged for being a cis woman because I've never experienced dysphoria ... except I have. I grew up with intense thoughts about my body and hating my vagina and breasts. It was never that bad but I would often imagine mutilating. I'm in a better place now but I still feel some discomfort over my body sometimes. And when I expressed this to her, she asked me if I was really cis or was still questioning ...

They act like misogyny doesn't exist or something. I just ... I disagree with a lot of radical feminists beliefs or at least I think I do. But for years I have felt like radfems were the only ones even talking about misogyny anymore so idk

Anyway what I wanted to say is that I really like your posts and perspectives and thanks for this blog. I want to learn more and question more and your blog has become a helpful resource to help me start thinking critically about some things

Hey :) thanks for writing to me and sorry for the late answer.

And yeah, you are totally right. I have also spent such a long time justifying gender ideology because I really wanted it to be right. I’ve excused so much weird behaviour with weird mental gymnastics because I didn’t want to accept that I had been wrong for such a long time.

The entire “that never happens” thing - and then you show them an occasion where it happened, and they say “well, it doesn’t happen that much”. And yeah, people have suggested me being non-binary as well. I mean, by strict gender definitions I am non-binary because I don’t identify as a woman lmao. Just as the “you’re uncomfortable in your body?? what about fucking cutting it up??!!!!” thing.

And for disagreeing with feminist beliefs, the thing is that being a feminist is not a package deal. You are not being some sort of heretic if you disagree with certain things, and I know that I am most probably wrong on a lot of stuff myself. If I wasn’t, I would be the first person who is always right in human history. And yes, even in feminist spaces, there is sometimes some sort of imperative to follow every single belief or you are not a “real feminist”. But being a feminist is not an identity, it is an action. It is an action towards yourself, in the workplace, in interaction with other women and men, in your consumption, in your voting, in how you support women in your personal life and how you do political action. So yeah, I would say that it is less important whether you follow every rule of the radical feminist catechism and more important to support women in your life (which includes yourself). At least, that’s my opinion.

So if you want to learn more, you can look into literally anything Julie Bindel says on Youtube, I really like her perspective. And cool that you’re here!

51 notes · View notes

somekindofsentience · 8 months ago

Text

OCD in Hello Charlotte 3, or why Charles Eyler doesn't (necessarily) have Dissociative Identity Disorder

MAJOR SPOILERS FOR HELLO CHARLOTTE 3

CONTENT WARNING: Discussions of severe mental illness, including intrusive thoughts and psychosis. Please be warned if this may cause you to spiral out of control, and take care of yourself.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of this is coming from my personal experience and understanding of OCD. While I do not experience DID, I don't really focus much on it in this, more reframing Scarlett Eyler as a character. You can take Charles' experiences however you feel is accurate.

I feel like the fandom gets tripped up when Charles calls Scarlett Eyler a tulpa.

I've seen a lot of people state that this quote directly implies Charles has DID, and that's therefore canon. But I'd actually like to propose a different take, that Scarlett is a physical manifestation of Charles' intrusive thoughts.

First of all, a tulpa implies a sense of desire - it is willingly created through spiritual meditation. Scarlett is, in no way, a desired existence that haunts Charles. There is some debate as to whether or not the game was originally in Russian or English, but regardless, tulpa just may be what Charles refers to the phenomenon as. It's not as if this directly confirms anything, as we know in-game Charles is only diagnosed with autism, and takes medication for psychosis.

Charles experiences many symptoms of OCD, contamination OCD in particular. He is intensely preoccupied with purity and disease, insisting that the majority of the population has a "parasite", aside from a select few people (Vincent being one of them, and by the end, the only one).

OCD and psychosis have several unique overlaps when acting as comorbid conditions. It has a relatively high comorbidity, due to both conditions often suffering with heightened paranoia. I couldn't find any research which suggests it can cause the hallucination of intrusive thoughts, but OCD does make people more susceptible to hallucinatory disorders, and vice versa.

Many people with OCD, especially those who have experienced symptoms since being a child, start to conceptualise these thoughts as a being - appearing as imaginary friends which act and react negatively. It definitely happened to me - I genuinely thought I had DID for a year or so of my life, because I had this voice in my head that hated me, and it didn't feel like myself. As a child, it just felt like my own mind was trying to bully me, and I didn't understand why.

We know that Scarlett Eyler is the instigator of "punishment" for Charles' actions...

This sort of "punishing" is very reminiscent of OCD. The rule-breaking itself is confusing to an outsiders, and the punishments even more so. However, I find this rule-and-punishment system very relatable, and I'd argue that some people with OCD might have even more confusing rules and punishments - for example, I can't watch very specific youtube videos, I can't explain what the rules I have surrounding them are, and I have strange punishments for this (that which I will not disclose).

Scarlett also doesn't exhibit typical alter behaviour. She never takes over, Charles doesn't seem to lose time, she does little more than act as a harsh observer, and also physically threaten Charles. She seems very real to him, aside from the fact that he knows taking pills will make her "disappear".

For Charles, Scarlett is simply a being who threatens and instigates intrusive thoughts, but in a particular way. Charles still experiences other intrusive thoughts - Scarlett never discusses the parasites, even though that's a very prevalent fear of Charles'.

Scarlett is the manifestation of intrusive thought that Charles is a failure, rather than being a separate existence to Charles.

my little rat analysis lmaoooo. this was my first hello charlotte one, i've always loved charles, he's just peak gender in so many ways, incredibly relatable.

hope your little polycule goes well salutes

#hello charlotte #hc 3 #hello charlotte 3 #charles eyler #hello charlotte analysis #game analysis #actually ocd #etherane #sentience's stuff

32 notes · View notes

yourhealingjournal · 3 months ago

Note

Hey.

I'm really struggling with PTSD related anger lately and it has ruined a lot in my life. I feel like crap for unintentionally hurting people and feeling like I have to defend myself to the death. Do you have any advice or reassurance for dealing with mental illness and anger?

Thank you!

first of all I AM SO SORRY FOR JUST ANSWERING THIS. i didn’t get notified by tumblr dot com that i have an ask on my inbox waiting my bad

my first thought reading your ask is that anger does not make you a terrible person. & i would argue you’re not a terrible person because i have the proof of you sending in this ask which to me shows: a) you’re aware of the hurt you’re causing as a byproduct of your anger & b) you want to change and be better about it.

& then you mentioned two things i’d address separately:

re: feeling like defending yourself constantly - i don’t know what you’ve been through but it must have been really tough and exhausting. i hope you’re far away from the situation that hurts you & i’m also so sorry that the effects of it still isolates you. feeling the urge to defend yourself often is one of the unfortunate consequences trauma can leave behind.

i think defensiveness that comes out from trauma often stems from a belief that a part of you is being threatened. this can be from you or your choices always being questioned or scrutinized (threatens your security of self), not being believed (threatens your sense of reality) / having to explain yourself constantly but not still being understood, not having a safe place to live (threatens your physical security), etc. it can also be feeling threatened for your own self and survival when you perceive the threat to be too big or strong for you to handle. most trauma modalities argue any of the 4Fs are survival mechanisms that ultimately serve to protect us one way or another.

unfortunately, even after we’ve removed yourself from the harmful environment, our nervous system requires time to catch up. anger is a form of fight & like you said it feels like constantly defending yourself.

my advice (if you’re at a point where you’re ready to process your trauma & can do so safely) is to not shame your anger, but ask what is it so angry about (not in a judgmental way, but a curious one). you can keep track of an anger log to see what triggers that anger to come out. what event did it remind you of that you have the urge to defend yourself now? the roots of our current responses are wired in the past.

anger can also be a presentation of resentment that was built up overtime so you can also ask what you’re resenting about the other person or situation. i’d suggest not thinking too deep about any of these questions — writing or typing might be easier to just get the thoughts out. you may find a deeper understanding of where your anger comes from, from the process alone.

if you’re not a place to process it deeply, you can start with accepting that your anger exists. i think all our trauma responses really boil down to needing safety & comfort & protection so each time the anger comes, i hope you give that acknowledgment and comfort to yourself. it can be difficult to have gratitude for a part of you that responds in a way that can put you in a disadvantageous situation, so you can start with a neutral statement like: “I see you’re trying to protect me.” or “you don’t have to be angry any longer. you can let the anger go now. i can protect you.” (i’m borrowing a bit from IFS parts work’s framework of thinking). my point is yes your anger can be misplaced, but your anger did come from somewhere so it’s not something you need to shame yourself over because also to your other point:

re: you feel like crap, you said, because you know the anger wasn’t the response you wanted to emulate at that point in time. you can fix that. my only advice for this is to apologize once you’ve calmed down to the people you unintentionally hurt. (not saying you don’t already do this by the way) if you’d like (&it seems appropriate to disclose that in your relationship with them), you can also tell them it’s something you’re working on (e.g. let’s say you got angry at someone you barely know or only know as your work buddy, you can say ‘sorry about the other day, it was a long one’ v.s. If it’s someone you’re close with like a friend, then you can say “sorry about x event. i’m working on my anger”). you dont have to disclose the why you have the anger in the first place, but if you feel that beneficial to your relationship, go forth.

with other people in the equation, the solution is not so much to isolate but to titrate. by that i mean:

first, if you can limit the amount of contact from people who trigger you (e.g. a well meaning relative but really they push your buttons), do so for the time being.

if however these are say a deeply beloved friend who you haven’t seen each other in a while or a situation where you can’t limit contact with them (e.g. work, etc.), when you start to feel frustrated, remove yourself from the environment if able. make an excuse like needing to use the bathroom, “let me check and get back to you”, etc. if it’s not feasible and you have to stay in the room or you don’t want to draw attention to yourself, distract with doing something that can delay your response. for example, drinking your choice of beverage, walking away to get something before returning, etc. ideally we all can leave & disappear when something triggers us but that superpower hasn’t been invented yet.

i didn’t say “triggered” and use “frustrated” because sometimes there’s a build up to one snapping. build ups can range from not getting enough sleep the night before, being hungry, & anything else that can impact one’s mood regulation. the acknowledgment of where you are on the scale of being on top of your mood regulation game is dependent on you checking in with yourself daily. you can do this in the morning / afternoon / evening where you just ask yourself where you are on the scale of tolerance. mostly it’s to let yourself know like “hey i didn’t get much sleep last night so i might be a little bit more prone to being angry so let’s make a plan around that (eg. limit contact with people who trigger you, don’t watch the news if you know the news tends to make you feel bad, etc.)”.

i also think if you don’t find the idea of check-ins appealing, you can also do this retrospectively so at the very least even if you find it difficult to accept your anger, you can validate your emotions. let’s say you got angry at someone, you can ask yourself the basic checklist questions like; when’s the last time you eat? drink? sleep? any physical discomfort? all of these do contribute to our mood. maybe the coffee machine broke that day & when it happened it didn’t make you upset but it is one thing that didn’t go the way you expected so it’s another drop on the tolerance meter. & then you’ll find that wow of course you lost your cool: you didn’t sleep, your body aches, a customer was being a bit difficult even if not hostile, a lot of little things add up and then the neighbor just had to mow the lawn when i’m trying to sleep. like idk if i were you i’d lose my shit too. did the neighbor deserve it? no. could i have responded “better”? yeah but i get why i’m upset.

which brings us to the second part of titrating: mood regulation. this is a whole other thing i can get into but the gist is accepting & validating what your mood is right now (eg yes i’m angry & it makes sense as to why i’m angry — even if the situation you’re not in makes sense like the scenario above, your anger comes from somewhere. maybe you don’t even know why you’re angry but that anger is still valid. you can say: ok i’m angry right now idk why but i am and that’s okay.) then process it with whatever method works for you. trial & error. counter to what i mention about the anger log: you don’t always have to know the reason behind your anger to process it.

some activities to process anger & if you’re simply asking how to deal with anger when you feel it once you’re alone: movement helps. exercise no matter how low intensity it is still works. walking. venting to yourself on a voice note then deleting it as a symbol to delete the anger can also work. punching a pillow. squeezing a stuffed animal. screaming to a pillow. screaming to the void. needlepointing. knitting. plonk keys on the piano. crying is another option. that’s all i have for today.

now once you’re in a better mood and headspace & more equipped with skills, you can relax rule no 1 of limiting contact. ideally i’d also suggest doing some somatic work to rewire your nervous system but that’s a whole other post.

ps. sorry i get a bit sassy & humorous at the end with the scenario. i wanted to get this out asap but it’s 4 am and i am running on 2 hours of sleep. i hope this answers your ask.

#messages #anger

8 notes · View notes

gwydionmisha · 1 year ago

Text

Personal: For Profit Healthcare and Me

So remember how Peacehealth drove all the independent offices in four specialties out of business, thus forcing everyone to use their clinic, then closed those clinics to force everyone to go to their central clinic two counties to the south? And remember how both the Doctors who were running that clinic made a deal to operate out of a clinic a regional medical conglomerate was opening near the hospital? so instead of me spending all day on a sixty mile each way trek for my treatment I was using the last three months of skeleton crew treatment at old clinic which ended the last Thursday in September? Remember how they said we could all follow our doctors there?

Yeah, about that.

I've been dutifully calling ever two weeks to see if they were letting people schedule appointments yet. They sent out a letter saying they were open. I stayed up Tuesday to get in sorted. it was a whole drama because the automated maze to get to the scheduler was as much of a hassle as Peacehealth's and prone to dropping calls, forcing one to start from scratch each time. so that was frustrating and tine consuming.

Apparently they have no access to our health records, so it was a start from scratch situation. Me, mentally: Shit! This is going to be HOURS. Only it wasn't for all the wrong reasons. They take Medicare, but not Medicare Advantage. So if I want it covered I have to lose most of my benefits including having Medicaid pay my big Medicare copay. O.o. Or I can pay for expensive treatments myself as uninsured.

I was upset, but I remembered superstar medical social worker lady personally calling around town to talk dentists into taking medicare dental coverage for me thus opening up my small city so that medicare patients can now get root canals and crowns instead of learning to live without chewing.

So I still thought it was salvageable. Problem is she's gone and the woman replacing her is a busy supervisor who likes to call me two hours into my sleep cycle without warning and then gets angry at me for not being charming. Previous lady asked when was best to call and would schedule calls in advance for a time when I was able to be awake and functional. it is a lot easier for me to be charming when I wasn't just ripped out of REM sleep and am now being interrogated about something.

New lady is a supervisor and super busy with supervisor things and is made of no and is snippy. I can not make her understand that not only is a 120 mile round trip over mountain passes dealing with the traffic mess along the highway in the major metropolitan area where I once got caught in a four hour traffic jam and couldn't get off to pee, is an entire exhausting day for me and that plus a treatment would not only mean i could do anything useful that day, but the next day to. She can't grasp how much pain is involved in long car trips or how much treatments take out of me. She keeps hard selling me on this and then calling me resistant and recalcitrant like I'm the one being unreasonable for considering this basically insurmountable at my level of disability.

She did not fight the in town clinic for me. She did not try to argue them around.

Her, repeating a suggestion she has made over and over since the closing announcement: You should just get your GP to do it.

Me, explaining for at least the third time because we have this conversation every time we talk: I asked my GP last spring like you asked. They can't do it. It can't be administered by a GP. They'd need to hire a specialist and build new facilities for compounding and for special storage of medication.

Her: Well just ask you GP to give you a different treatment.

Me: There are no other treatments. I have medications to manage symptoms. These treatments are the cure. There is only one cure.

Her: You are being recalcitrant!

Me: There is literally only one cure. No new ones have been invented since last February. The cure is working. I'm getting better. i will get worse again with only symptom management.

But she kept arguing with me because I was being stubborn about facts being facts. My GP can't pull an entire brand new treatment regimen out of her ass. She would not let it go or let me go and I was exhausted because it was hours past when I would normally be asleep at this point and also what was the point of her hard selling me on demanding the imaginary alternative treatment or the 120 mile trip. I ended up giving and and saying something like, "I have to go now," which I know is rude, but we spent this entire conversation with her neither listing not understanding and basically acting like I was the asshole here.

So I'm fucked and I'm frustrated and angry. I was literally at the point where I was going to get better really quickly if I kept doing treatments, but if we stop now I'll be back to square one with it all to do again if another clinic opens.

And it's all like this because Obama and Biden didn't have the balls to stick to their universal free healthy care guns and decided to adopt the capitalist give away Republican health plan in pursuit of bipartisan buy in they did not get, which anyone paying attention told them they could not get, which Mitch McConnell vowed they'd never get as part of the project to make Obama a one term president at all costs. They burned all their political capital on a bullshit give away to insurance companies when they could have taken the same or less of a hit just giving up a developed country level health care system. No fucked up website needed for sign ups. No red tape or copays or catch 22 shit like I'm dealing with now.

#Personal

33 notes · View notes

dib-thing-wannabe · 1 year ago

Text

The Evil and The Genius

Chapter Two: Unexpected Outcome

<<<previous

(In this fanfic, Evil Jimmy is mainly referred to as either Jack or Jackson.)

It has been around an hour since Jimmy Neutron and his evil clone, who has just been renamed Jack, have made the agreement that Jimmy would try and reform him, who has already proven to be a pain about the process, despite being the one to have originally thought of the idea in the first place. They have barely even started it, just discussing the rules that Jack would have to follow for, at the very least, the beginning of his reformation.

"C'mon, you can't just take away all the fun stuff, Whippy-Dip! That isn't fair!" Jack whined after they had just finished going over his ruleset.

"Is it fun, or is it dangerous? Because most of what we have discussed was mainly about the safety of you and others." Jimmy said to him, already getting tired of his behavior. He knew that it was a mistake to agree with this plan right from the start, but there really wasn't any other choice to choose from.

"Pfft- Same thing!" Jack scoffed, as if Jimmy was being unreasonable with his statements.

Jimmy sighed as he rubbed his furrowed eyebrows to try and soothe himself as Jack continued to be a pain. "Oooh, will I feel bad for whoever will end up living with you in the future, whether you've changed your ways or not." He mumbled to himself as he slowly shook his head. "Speaking of that, I feel compelled to ask about your living situation currently. Where are you currently staying and sleeping, since you have been here for at least a full 24 hours."

"Huh? Um.. please specify what you mean by that." Jack said awkwardly, feeling stupid about not understanding what he meant.

"I mean, where have you stayed at ever since you got back? Where do you live?"

"Oh, nowhere, really. I've only been here since yesterday, and last night I just slept on one of the roofs in the town." Jack said casually to him as he laid back on the couch in Jimmy's lab, holding his hands behind his head.

"R-really??" Jimmy questioned him, as if he didn't hear him correctly. "Well, if that's true, then we need to change that. Can't just have you homeless at this time." Of course, he meant what he said. If they were as to attempt to give him better morals, they cannot risk him being in a situation where his mental health could lower at all. Not only that, but it's also easier to keep an eye on him if there was a general area that he lives in at and not constantly moving, like he would need to if he didn't have a real roof over his head.

"Alright then, cool. How about I just build myself my own place?" Jack said, still laying down.

"I would say that, buuuut you cannot be trusted to do things like that just yet. I know that you'll add a few rooms that you would use yet shouldn't use if you were to make a house of your own." Jimmy said, turning his back from Jack as he looked at the lab. He really needs to clean this place soon, maybe he should make a cleaning robot once he gets the chance to.

Jack groaned at his statement, yet can't argue against it, as that was his exact plan. "Fine. You make the house then."

"I would have already suggested that if I was able to. I truly am low on all materials to make anything from scratch, so I cannot do that for you at the moment." He told him in an annoyed tone. His current annoyance wasn't necessarily because of Jack in this case, it was just in general.

Jack groaned louder at this as he sat back up. "Then what should I do?! It's not like I have any money to buy one!.." He then got a sly grin on his face as he looked to the side. ".. Unless I rob someone who has a ton of mon-"

Jimmy cut him off by smacking the back of his head. "Ow!" "No, you cannot rob people! That's one of the most simple laws that you know not to do! Besides, considering both your reputation and, more importantly, your age, no one would sell you a house anyways."

"Alright, alright! But seriously, what am I meant to do then?" Jack huffed as he crossed his arms, frustrated that his plan of fooling everyone ended up being harder than he thought it would be.

"I honestly don't know.. but I do have an idea." Jimmy told him, pulling out a flip phone from his pocket. "Maybe if I inform my mom about the current situation, she will be willing to give me the amount of money for me to be able to make you a place of your own!"

Jack chuckled as he heard Jimmy mention his mom. "Awww, is someone calling their mommy for some help?"

Jimmy rolled his eyes as he got belittled by Jack, dialing his home phone number into the phone. "Shut it, Jackson."

*Riiing* *Riiing* *Riiing*

As the home phone rang, Jack started getting closer to both Jimmy and the phone, as if to listen in on the conversation. "Jack, back away right now-" "No, I wanna hear what she's gonnasay." "Still, no need to be so close to me. Back UP-" "NO-"

"It's taking a while for her to answer the phone.." Jimmy thought to himself as he tried to push Jack away from him. "I can only hope that it's not who I think it is that's going to end up answering the phone."

After a few more rings on the phone, Jimmy heard the house phone being picked up. Instead of his mom though, he ended up hearing his dad's voice on the other end. "Hello? Helloooo? Who's there?" His father Hugh asked through the phone.

"Fuck, not him-" Jimmy muttered quietly yet quickly away from the phone as he realized that it was his dad, not wanting his dad to hear him curse. Jack, taken aback by his sudden cursing, started laughing as Jimmy continued to try and push him away.

"Heeeey dad! Say, is mom over there right now? If so, please hand the phone over to her for me!" Jimmy asked, trying to sound as normal as possible, though there's hints of nervousness in his voice as he gotten worried that Hugh might hear his clone in the background.

"No can do, Jimbo! Your mother just went to go buy some groceries! Say, maybe I could call her and ask her to grab some pie while she's at the store.." His dad answered in his normal cheerful tone, seemingly not hearing anything that Jimmy doesn't want him to hear on their end.

Jimmy sighed out of annoyance and frustration. Hugh usually comes up with a completely different and ridiculous plan then Jimmy's whenever he asks him for help, and it can get difficult to get him to listen at first. But considering that it's involving a villain this time, or rather a 'recovering' villain, it wouldn't hurt to just ask him this time instead of calling his mom's phone, right?

"Whatever, you'll do for now then. To put it bluntly, I need a lot of money. Right now." Jimmy told him.

"What? Why do you need a ton of money, Jimmy? Ohh wait, I think I know! You need money to buy some plastic blue flamingos, right?" Hugh said happily, as if his guess was correct.

Jimmy pulled a face of confusion before shaking his head quickly as Jack snickered at Hugh's terrible guess. "Um- No, dad. I need it to build a house."

"Oh? Jimmy, aren't you a bit young to be moving out? I'm not sure that your mother will be happy about you leaving so soon."

"Well, you see... it's not for me. Let's see, how do I explain it.. do you remember the clones that I made? And how one of them was evil and tried to erase the entire world by making an evil version of it? Yeah. He's back." Jimmy told him in a professional manner.

"Heeeeey!" Jack said into the phone smugly.

"Quiet." Jimmy told him, shushing him with his finger. "Anyways, he ended up escaping the dark matter dimension, but I have a plan for him. I am going to be making an attempt to reform him from a villain. He is now going by the name Jack rather than Evil Jimmy so that it's not only easier to differentiate between us, it's also the start of the process of making him into a better person. Since, y'know, evil isn't in his first name anymore?"

After a second of silence on Hugh's end, he spoke up, not having a single change in his tone of voice. "Aaah, I see, you need to build a house for the clone! Oh, Jack's his new name, you said?"

Jimmy softly smiled, believing that the plan was going to work fully as intended, despite it being discussed with his father instead of his much more rational mother. "Mhm, that's correct! And since he doesn't really have a place to stay at in this current moment, I need to make one for him. So please, can you-"

"Wait Jimbo! I think I have a better idea!" Hugh said, cutting Jimmy off. Jimmy only responded with a groan as he waited for his dad to continue speaking.

"How about you just bring him over here, so that I can see for myself if my idea really is better than your current one, Jimbo?"

This caused Jimmy and Jack to simultaneously raise an eyebrow in confusion and intrigue as they glanced at each other and then back at the phone. ".. Allllright then. Anything else, dad?" Jimmy said with a skeptical tone.

"Nope, that'll be all that I need. Just bring him over quickly! I'll be in the living room waiting for you two! Bye bye!" Hugh told him before hanging up.

"... Sooo.. do we just mindlessly go to him now?" Jack said while looking to Jimmy, still trying to figure out what his plan could possibly be.

"Might as well. Besides, going to meet with him will most likely be the only way to further convince him to give us the money if we prove that whatever his idea is, it's worse than our original one." Jimmy responded as he grabbed Jacks wrist and started walking out of the lab. Honestly, he's just happy that his father is at least trying to test his idea out before doing it. Means that he's learning his place when it came to intelligence.

"Do you really have to drag me to him though?? I do have a few of your memories as your clone, so I know how to get there-" Jack asked Jimmy once they exited the lab.

"It's not that I don't trust that you can't get there yourself, it's that I don't trust you to not run off." He responded, still dragging him towards his living room. Jack mumbled something under his breath about it, but other than that he didn't retaliate against it.

"Dad, we're here!" Jimmy yelled out as he walked through the back door, with Jack in tow behind him. "Now can you please tell us what this 'plan' of yours is?"

"Ah, Jimbo! You two got here quicker than I thought you would!" Hugh said, peaking his head around the corner. "Now, come here.. Jake?"

"It's Jack. Or Jackson, if you prefer." He responded as he walked up to Hugh, still confused about what he was planning but more intrigued than anything.

Gently, Hugh grabbed Jack's face and examined it, as if to check for any marks that he might have gotten from being in the dark matter dimension. Though Jack's face and body language didn't change from his usual prideful and smug look, Jimmy could tell that he strangely liked the way Hugh gently held his face due to his eyes slightly dilating when he grabbed it.

"Hmm... good, good.. Now, tell me, how willing are you about the idea of becoming a better person, Jack?" Hugh asked him after a few seconds of silence.

"How willing am I? Well, considering that I was the one who proposed the idea in the first place, it's safe for me to say that I am infact very willing to do this." Jack answered, glancing over at Jimmy to see if he had any ideas about what his dad was planning yet.

"I can also reassure you that he isn't lying when he says that. He was, infact, the reason the idea was even brought up at all." Jimmy added, walking up to the both of them.

"Oh really? Well, does that mean that you won't be breaking anything, stealing anything, and overall nothing harmful to anyone or anything?" Hugh asked him again, still having a cheerful tone.

"I cannot guarantee that I wouldn't end up doing any of those things, but I definitely can say that I will try to the best of my abilities not to." Jack responded, basically trying to tell him that he probably would end up doing it often without actually saying it. This caused Jimmy to give him a stern and annoyed look, as he could tell what he meant by his words, yet didn't say anything.

Hugh clapped his hands together, looking pleased with both himself and Jack. "Well, that settles it then!"

The two young geniuses gave each other the exact same confused look before unintentionally looking up at Hugh in sync, which make him chuckle as he watched them mirror each other.

"What settles it?" Jack asked, slightly tilting his head as he continued to look up at him.

"Are you referring to whatever your idea is?" Jimmy also asked him. "You haven't even told either of us what it was in the first place."

"Ah right, I didn't! Well, as you know, Jimbo, we recently did some spring cleaning and realized that we had just way too much space then we really needed!" Hugh started explaining to the two. "So, instead of just spending all that money on building an entire place for good ol' Jambo here.." He motioned towards Jack as he says this.

Jimmy and Jack continued to look up at him, waiting for him to finish his sentence. Jimmy glanced over at Jack, who had an extremely confused look. He was just barely used to his new name, nonetheless having a nickname based on it. Didn't help that the one he decided to give him just sounded so, so dumb. This made Jimmy start audibly struggle not to laugh, eventually having to cover his mouth to try and avoid laughing loudly as Jack side-eyed him, even though he himself began to struggle on not laughing.

"I thought that we can just have him live with us!" Hugh said excitedly, clapping his hands together again.

"What." They both collectively said immediately after, completely stopping their laughter. Jack's voice was filled with confusion while Jimmy's was filled with shock.

"Yeah! It'll help save a ton of money, and we have plenty of room for it to work for everyone involved!" Hugh told them, seemingly looking brightly into this supposed future.

"D-Dad, I don't- I don't think that we should do something like that! You haven't even told mom about it to see if she agrees with it!-" Jimmy objected, trying to convince his dad otherwise about his plan. Jack was already a giant pain in his backside just from this small amount of interaction alone, he doesn't think that he would be able to handle it if he had to deal with it 24/7. Not only that, it also means that he could more easily sabotage Jimmy if they lived in the same house.

"Oh please! I'm sure she will agree with me on this! Besides, I can tell that she's been wanting something new to take care of, recently!" Hugh told Jimmy, patting Jack's head gently, who looks extremely confused and shocked. He had a plan for himself when he talked about 'reforming', but nothing like this was any part of it, especially without any of his own involvement.

"Dad, please-"

"Oooooh, wait! Maybe I should go grab some pie from the nearby bakery as a way to welcome you here!" Hugh cut Jimmy off unintentionally, talking to Jack now as he started walking towards the front door. "You two stay here and behave, okay? Bye!"

As he closed the door behind him as he left, Jimmy and Jack sat in silence for a moment, still processing what had just happened. After a full minute of dead silence between the two, Jack started to silently laugh due to sheer confusion. "U-um, what just-"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH-"

Jimmy had just started screaming at the top of his lungs out of anger, confusion and a hint of fear. This couldn't be actually happening, it just couldn't be! It had to be a dream, a hallucination, maybe even psychedelics, just anything besides reality. The sudden scream from Jimmy made Jack lose any composure he had left and burst out laughing, to the point where he started to hold his stomach as he laid on the floor because his laughter began hurting his abs so much. Jimmy's screaming lasted for around three minutes until he eventually lost his breath and fell backwards on the floor next to Jack, who is currently coughing because of how hard he laughed.

After a moment of catching his breath, Jack looked over at Jimmy, who's face is in his hands as he let out a soft and quiet groan. "Y-you alright there?"

"No, because he really is going to try and have you live here. I mean, I know that he's below average intelligence, but I didn't think that he'd be stupid enough to try to do this." Jimmy whispered, still hiding his face.

Jack chuckled as he started getting back up on his feet. "Awwww, why so gloomy about it? Do you not wanna be around me?"

"With you being the way you are, no."

"Hmm, shame for you if he ends up succeeding then." Jack said as he gave him a smug grin. "But luckily for you, I recall that your mother has quite a bit more brains in her skull, so there's a very good chance that it won't end up happening."

Jack looked up towards the living room tv and something on it caught his attention. It was playing a movie that looked familiar to him, but he couldn't put his finger on what it was. Not really having anything else to do right, he decided to go to the couch but not to sit on it, but he sit down on the floor with his back against the front of the couch. Jimmy looked over at him as he finally got up and saw him watching the first Jet Fusion movie, one of Jimmy's favorite movies...

"Oh shit, Sheen and Carl have probably been waiting on me for over an hour because of the movie marathon thing we planned." He thought to himself before going over to the phone and dialing Sheen's house number. They've been waiting this long for him and had heard nothing from him, so they definitely needee an explanation for his absence. Besides, it'll be the perfect opportunity to also tell them about Jackson and the current situation with him.

"Y'ello?" Sheen answered almost immediately.

"Sheen, hello! You're probably wondering where I've been right now."

"Jimmy!!! Yeah, where are you?! We've been waiting forever on you!!"

".. It's a long story, so prepare yourself."

*5 minutes later*

"Wait wait wait," Sheen told Jimmy, "So you're telling me that the evil clone guy is back, but since you couldn't do anything because you didn't have anything to use to trap him like you did last time, you've decided to try and reform him?"

"Mhm, that's what I said." Jimmy responded to his question, looking over at Jack, who is currently glued to the tv. He doesn't even seem to be aware that Jimmy was on the phone.

"And his new name is Jack?" Sheen asked him, with the sound of a chip bag crinkling on his end of the phone line.

"That is correct, Sheen!"

"... And as of right now, he may or may not living with you, and you don't know which one is going to happen until both your mom and your dad get back?" Sheen asked another question, eating a chip.

"Yes, that is also true. Now, until the living situation is covered and I can do this myself, I would like you to go around telling people about this so that they may prepare themselves for any chaos that may happen soon. Especially our friends, since they will probably be heavily involved in the process. Got that, Sheen?" Jimmy instructed him.

"Alright! Got it!" Sheen respond, before turning away from the phone and yelling out, "Hey Carl! Jimmy just got a new brother!"

"Wha- Sheen! That is not-" Jimmy tried to retaliate against his claim, but is unable to before Sheen hangs up the phone. He let out a soft groan before mumbling, "I knew I should have called Carl instead..."

As he sat in silence for a moment, he heard voices. His parents voices, right outside the front door. Jimmy once again checked on Jack, who is still not paying attention to anything else other than the movie, before getting closer to the slightly cracked open door and listening in on their conversation while also peaking through the crack.

"I mean.. I don't know Hugh, I just don't see how it's a good idea." Judy told her husband, holding her head in her hand as she had a worried expression on her face.

"C'mon, honey! What's the worse the boy could do anyways?" Hugh said as he lovingly wrapped his arm around her shoulders.

"Hah, weeeell, considering that he's the evil clone of our super genius son, who we both know is a handful already, there's a lot of things he could do!" Judy exclaimed, crossing her arms. "I understand your thought process on why you would think that's a good idea, considering our financial situation at the moment, but it also could be very dangerous if we do! In this case, I'm going to need a little more of a reason than just that, Hugh!"

Hugh chuckled softly before speaking again. "Well, if you say so!" He gently grabbed her chin and had her look up at him. "I feel like you're forgetting something very important about the situation as well though; even though he is a just clone, he's still a boy. He's still just a kiddo, honey buns! What would make you think that if the same laws about school, jobs and childcare still applies to our boy despite his incredible intelligence, that they suddenly just wouldn't apply to that boy right there?" He nodded towards Jack in the living room, still watching the tv and unaware of the two adults infront of the outside window.

Jimmy looked towards the ground at their feet as he slightly nodded his head. His dad does have a valid point with the fact that it'll probably be illegal for them to have Jack live alone. But goddamn it, please don't let him live with them.

"... Well, you aren't wrong there." Judy admitted to him, though she still had a worried expression on her face.

"Mhm." Hugh said, nodding his head. "Besides, you wanna know what I personally believe to be true?"

"What, Hugh?" Judy asked him.

"I believe that with a mother's love, anyone can go from their worst versions of themselves to their best!!" He said cheerfully, clearly referring to her.

She looked around for a moment before looking back towards Jack through the window, who started to remind her of when Jimmy was younger. As soon as her gazed softened and a small smile made its way on her lips, Jimmy knew that he was done for.

He let out a loud and dramatic groan before flopping face down onto the couch, startling Jack out of his trance. "Woah, what happened to you? You're acting as if your life is a living hell."

Jimmy looked at him with an tired and frustrated look before saying, "Because it's about to be." He then rolled over onto his back, still groaning.

Before Jack could question him further on what he meant by that, Hugh opened the front door fully and stepped inside. "I'm back, you two! And I have both the answer to where Jack will be staying and pie!" As the statement is being said, Judy also stepped inside the house.

Jack got up from the floor and mumbled to himself, with only Jimmy being able to hear him due to their close proximity. "I'm guessing that me living with you all is gonna be a no-"

"You are officially going to be staying with us, Jambo!" Hugh said excitedly while Judy chuckled softly at the strange nickname that he already had gave Jack.

Jack had a look of shock and surprise on his face as he looked up at them. He glaced over to Jimmy, who had his face in his hands as he sighed in defeat, and realized what he meant by what he said moments earlier.

"Oh! Why, thank you!" Jack said with a smile, not knowing how else to respond to their choice.

"Oh no, no need to thank us, Jackson!" Judy told him sweetly as she walked up to him. "Now, my question is.. do you really like these hair horns thingys that you have? Or would you like to change it to something different?" She asked him, gently holding his cheek with one hand as she twirled the tip of one of his horn-like hair pieces.

When she held his face, his eyes immediately dilated and he looked to have gotten soft for a second before he snapped out of it and answered her question. "Uh, yeah, I prefer this hair style still."

"Alrighty then! But considering that you still look so much like Jimmy, we need to get you into some new clothes to help tell you two apart!" Judy said this to him as she grabbed his hand and started walking upstairs, with Jack obediently following behind her. "Besides, it's been around a year since you probably were last able to change your clothes! At this point they're probably very uncomfortable and are in a desperate need of washing!"

As they both went upstairs, Jimmy sat up on the couch, still looking as if he was told that he was going to die by next week and there wasn't anything the doctors could do about it. By the time they reached the top of the stairs, Hugh noticed his son's displeasure of the situation.

"Oh, don't be so sour, Jimbo!" He told Jimmy, patting his back as he spoke in his happy tone. "We just got a new member of the family! You should be happy! You have said that you wanted a brother before, after all!"

Jimmy slowly turned his head up at his father and then spoke in a monotone voice. "Father, though I naturally love you deeply and dearly, I despise you with every cell in my body right now."

*15 minutes later*

Hugh was sitting next to Jimmy on the couch, trying to calm him down and see the bright side of it, as Jimmy continued to sulk about the fact that out of all people that his parents could have thought of Jack to live with, it had to be with them. It had to be with him. Once Jack realizes that he could mess with Jimmy even more because of this given position and maybe even get away with it and have zero real repercussions for it, which he most likely already has realized this, he will definitely use it to his full advantage.

"Alright you two, we managed to get Jack into some clothes he likes!" Judy called down to them as she walked down from the top of the stairs. "C'mon Jackson, let them see your new outfit!"

Jack started walking downstairs, now wearing something that's new freshly washed, and more comfortable in his eyes. He's now wearing a maroon turtle neck, a black hoodie that has a large DNA strand branded on the front of it, a pair of loose black jeans, and a pair of dark grey tennis shoes.

"Oh, you look great, Jambo!" Hugh said cheerfully, getting up from the couch. "It suits you well!"

Jack chuckled as he nodded his head at Hugh, as if to nonverbally tell him thanks.

"Now, how about some pie?" Hugh asked, though not waiting for an answer as he walked to the kitchen, with Judy following behind him giggling.

As they entered the kitchen, Jack leaned against the back of the couch, looking down at Jimmy with a smug grin. "Heya there, chief. Like the new look?"

Jimmy glared at him with a giant look of annoyance with it. "Yeah yeah, sure." He then sighed as he held his head in his hands again.

Jack chuckled as he leaned on the back of the couch on his back, looking at Jimmy while he's upside down. "C'mooooon, don't give me that attitude! I didn't do anything to cause this, it just happened!"

After a few seconds of silence between them, Jack ended up flopping onto the couch, holding the back of his head with both hands, smugly grinning up at Jimmy. "But hey, I'm not gonna complain~!"

"You're already planning on making this an even bigger living nightmare for me, aren't you?" Jimmy asked him, taking his hands off his face, but still isn't looking at him and instead looked up at the ceiling.

"Yeeeeep."

"Knew it. And you're not gonna give up on it easily, correct."

"Correct, chief!"

"I hated you before this process started, and I have already begun to hate you more."

"And I'm planning on making you hate me even more~!"

Jimmy finally looked over at Jack and whisper-yelled at him, "... Fuck you, Jack."

"Fuck you too, Jimmy."

next>>>

#jimmy neutron #evil jimmy #jimmy neutron boy genius #hugh neutron #judy neutron #sheen estevez #The Evil and The Genius au #TETG au #nicktoons unite

24 notes · View notes