#no more wanting to obliterate my consciousness with weed and alcohol

[sanguinifex]

I think we need to talk more about getting on meds for mental illness and stop just relying on stopgap coping mechanisms.

Untreated anxiety or OCD? Can fucking kill you.

Untreated depression? Can fucking kill you.

Untreated bipolar? Can fucking kill you.

Untreated schizophrenia? Can fucking kill you.

There are medications available for all of these things. For the first 3, there are lots of treatment options. Treating schizophrenia is often a bit harder, but even most people who don't respond super well see some improvement, and the FDA just approved a new treatment for people with schizophrenia who don't respond well to conventional antipsychotics.

It is literally a million times easier to exist when you're on the right medication. You just...exist. And do stuff. And before you know it's been months and you haven't wanted to die at all.

A lot of people are scared of medication because they think it will make them gain weight. A lot of meds don't actually do that, or have only very little weight gain. Wellbutrin, an atypical antidepressant, can sometimes make you lose weight. Buspirone, a maintenance medication for anxiety disorders, isn't associated with weight gain. Lithium, a treatment for bipolar mania, isn't associated with weight gain. Second-generation antipsychotics, used for bipolar mania and schizophrenia, are associated with weight gain, but any of the first like 3 you'd be prescribed aren't going to make you gain more than like 20 pounds.

And so what if you do gain weight? You might need new clothes, and it sucks to have to replace all your pants. Healthwise, you're better off 20 pounds heavier on medication than you are with an untreated mental illness. If you're anorexic, the anorexia will be less bad if you're not depressed or OCD anymore.

Some people are worried about being involuntarily committed. Health systems generally avoid doing that anymore. Unless you're actively in crisis, they won't. Even if you go in involuntarily, their goal is to stabilize you and get you out of there as soon as possible because that's what makes sense for their revenue cycle. Insurance/medicaid only pays so long. I went in for a manic episode and was out in 10 days, and the last like 4 were because they needed to get my lithium level stable. Also, the hospital food was actually good.

Seriously. Just ask your doctor or go to urgent care and ask about medication. It will be so much calmer in your head, and you'll be able to do things you never thought you could do. I'm in graduate school now. I'm getting good grades. I still get doubts about myself but they pass. I'm going to do things with my life. And it comes down to four medications to treat four mental illnesses that I thought would send me to an early grave.

Be the person you can be. Take the damn meds.

[someonetotaketheedgeoff-blog]

10.07.2017 – Journal; The Wave.

The internet’s chaos reflects our mind’s chaos. I think it’s why it’s so hard to focus when using the internet. I feel my ability to procrastinate goes well goes beyond my awareness. I don’t even know what I’m procrastinating right now. Stand-up? Writing stand-up? I’m not procrastinating exercise – I’ve been doing that but am I using it to procrastinate doing other stuff and it’s giving me the illusion of productivity? I wish I could write material like Stanhope, Hicks, Bruce, Sun, C.K., Lee, Burr, Power, etc. But it’s when you try that nothing comes out. You just suck. If you try to be overly clever like Stewart Lee you sound retarded and if you try to be dark like Stanhope you sound fake. Seems forced. I’m too much in my own head right now. I’m pissing around in my mind. I’m avoiding fear. To be progressing is to be terrified and to be terrified is to be uncomfortable and right now I’m comfortable as fuck. Fear is the thing to look for. I know exactly where it is. But I’m not facing it because I’m a coward.

I had to snap out of it just then. I was sitting, scrolling mindlessly through my newsfeed listening to a WTF podcast episode and I wasn’t even in my own brain. I was fucked. I mean I was listening. But not really. I created this limbo state where I don’t have to do anything or engage in anything fully. Like families that watch TV while they eat. 2 things happening at once, both senses being stimulated – it removes you from reality.

Still a tiny part of me that misses smoking when drinking (I’ve quit smoking). When drunk you smoke constantly. The 2 combined creates some freedom from reality. Or maybe a distraction from reality. Add music and enjoyable conversation and you’ve got yourself some sweet relief. It’s probably a load of shit and I’m nostalgic.

Being young, you don’t do enough because you think you’ll live to 80 – you think you’ve got time. You have 60 good years on average. Years 70 – 80+ seem like shit if your body’s a mess. My life’s already a third done. Depressing. What the fuck’s is this existence? I’m surprised people aren’t all in psychiatric wards. How are we all not lying in beds by the millions just going - ‘What the fuck dude?!’

I’m a terrified person. I’m terrified of nearly everything. You say this out loud to people and they react like – ‘Come on mate? Why you being a pussy?’. How’s it that people can be so well adjusted? In their tight bodies and tight clothes. How is everyone so OK with everything? We’re all afraid and we’re all bored. That’s why we all drink. Liquid courage mate. That’s what frightens me – that people are OK with this. That’s a true horror movie. I think maybe that’s why I watch horror movies. They tell you what’s scary and you go ‘yay or nay’ all the while the true horror is the reality that your sitting in to watch the film.

I don’t even know if I’ll actually die. Maybe some weird shit’ll happen. I’ll probably die. It’ll be as if nothing ever happened. My whole life - nothing but a dream. Nothing but a meat computer freaking out for ‘x’ amount of years. I’m banking a lot on my Christian friends getting me into heaven.

The Wave

Excerpt from Facebook messenger:

Me: your in the original hoooooooooooouse?

Her: Yes Come pound me

Me: Yeaaaaaaaaaaah im coming

Her: Yayyy. U know I'm menstruating

Me: i know

Her: Yaaaayt

I loaded my phone with mostly Radiohead. Some of my favourites; 4 Minute Warning and Videotape. 2 utterly emotionally obliterating sad songs. The depressive thoughts from yesterday leaked into the current day. I wasn’t in the mood to fuck. But being a dude… of course I jumped on the opportunity.

I got the train to the city. Feeling emotionally horrendous. I started to consider the fact that even when I keep good mental hygiene; meditate, exercise, drink less, smoke less, go to bed at an OK time, wake up at an OK time I still inevitably feel very depressed throughout the day. But without reason. I can feel real dark without thinking about anything. Not suicidal, just very low. Do I have a chemical imbalance? Who knows but I’ll never take your fucking pills Mark Zuckerberg! Fuck you man! I have my reality straight. Hold the rocks.

Ironically the more depressed I am the more I write. Not much inspiration comes from a happy mind. It’s because if you’re sad you must get it out of you. You need to release something. Most people are content just to tell their close friends their problems. But I must smear them all over the internet like shitty graffiti in a public toilet. At least I put a lot of time into editing.

On the train, I read the book my girlfriend bought me for my birthday. I Swear I’ll Make It Up to You by Mishka Shubaly. A memoir by a musician, poet, artist, alcoholic, friend of my favourite comedian, Doug Stanhope, and writer of some of the best drinking songs/songs I’ve ever heard.

So far, it’s a fucking brutal read. On the train, I read about how a shooting happened in his school when he was a bit younger than me. Some wayward punk kid that was a bit weird and intimidated everyone asked this guy, Mishka, if he could get him a gun. Being in America I guess that’s not such a weird question. Mishka thought nothing of it and got him a gun. The next day he shot up the fucking school. Wounding a bunch of people and killed a kid and teacher. I read this while Thom Yorke wailed in my ears.

It took forever to get to her house. One of the trains cooked itself and I had to go back to the city and catch a tram. The longer the journey became the dumber I felt. I eventually got there. She came and let me in and took me to the lounge room where her friend/roommate was.

I sat down on a camper bed on the carpet. They were in the process of moving house. I was introduced to her friend and immediately forgot her name.

‘Want a bong?’. She asked laughing.

‘Sure’. I said.

It had tobacco mixed with the weed but I didn’t give a fuck at this point. I asked if it was strong – they laughed and said I’d be fine.

I smoked the bong carefully. Going slow as to not start coughing all over the place.

They said they’d been high for 3 days. All day. I asked how they felt. ‘Terrible - like we’re losing our minds’ – they laughed. ‘I know what you mean’ I said.

I started talking to her – just mundane shit really. Her personality was all over the place. She’d jump from one emotion to the next. One topic to the next, have an opinion and contradict it flippantly, tell you to shut up and the cycle would repeat. I couldn’t tell if it was her version of fun. It felt kinda stressful. It didn’t feel real. Was sort of thrilling but so is nearly slipping down the stairs and catching yourself. Felt like her personality was sand slipping through my fingers. I was high.

She commanded the lounge room like an MC with strong energy but lacklustre material, like she was MCing a gig she didn’t give a fuck about�� Too 2 stoned people. I tried to engage with everything she said as per usual which was jarring to the situation.

Her friend was so calm. Sitting upright in the middle of the room hugging a pink water bottle. She had big thick glasses and a cute fringe. One of those fringes that’s straight the whole way around, they’re always cute. She was so relaxed sitting next to this ball of intense energy.

I smoked a few more bongs. The nicotine lightly coursed through me. I was high but still in control. Didn’t feel horny or calm, or relaxed. Somewhere In the middle of all those things. Unpleasant.

Eventually I had to comment on this girl’s insanity.

‘What’s going on dude? What the fuck is this? You’re all over the place… are you OK?’. I asked.

Her friend answered for her – ‘Hey man just relax… it’s just like… how do I explain this… you know when you’re on drugs yeah…?’

‘Yeah?’. I said.

‘Well… you know when something fucked up happens when you’re on drugs… and you think… like… oh no… I’m having a bad trip… yeah?’. She said.

‘Yeah…?’. I said.

‘Well you know… you just ride it out yeah? It’s like a wave. Like a wave at the beach. She’ll look at you, say you’re pretty and a good person, then she’ll snap and be like fuck you! Then she’ll go hang out with Bubby (her cat). Then she’ll go on her phone. Then it’ll repeat. Again, and again… like a wave at the beach yeah?’

‘Yeah I think I see what you mean…’. I said and slowly turning to her, half in horror half in fascination.

Her face softened. Her mouth readjusted around her braces. Adorable but now a little scary. I was looking at her differently. I looked in her eyes as hard as I could manage. It was freaking me the fuck out. Kinda made me sad. I realised looking at her I didn’t really want to fuck. Not tonight anyway. I’d prefer just to talk. But talking seemed like work right now. She seemed so insane in that moment.

I’m endlessly attracted to crazy girls. Don’t know why… and when I say crazy in no way am I saying I’m normal. Or more normal than her or anyone else. I don’t want to be overly harsh - I feel mean saying she’s crazy. Maybe she was going through some shit that night? It’s just how I felt at the time.

There’s something so attractive to me about an unstable mind inside of a cute body and face. I could see myself committing and putting up with this insanity for the high that came with being around someone like that. It freaked me out how open she was about her selfishness - ‘I only care about myself’ she said. It made me feel alone.

Crazy in the head, great in bed. That’s what they say isn’t it?

Why? I think it’s because it’s the opposite of intimate. If you’re crazy it’s like you’re not even there half the time. Ever talked to a crazy person? There’s no consistency. You tend to treat them unlike a real person, even if subconsciously. It gives you confidence because you feel like no one’s recording this shit -  their consciousness is flawed, they have a faulty memory emotionally and generally. So, when you fuck a crazy girl and she’s wailing on your dick like it’s a sexy exorcism you feel like you can try shit you’d usually be afraid of trying. Not because you’re on the same page but because she’s in a different fucking book. My first long term girlfriend was completely mental - the sex was great.

If you’re on the same page and you know each other it can be awkward to give away your kinks. Because you respect each other. I don’t want to tell my girlfriend what I want if it’s a bit fucked. We’ve got to have muesli in the morning and look each other in the eye. Obviously, I just have a lot of intimacy problems.

It seems people are one or the other. Super open with strangers. Totally comfortable with their sexuality, having a sick time, fucking a bunch of different people. Do they have long term committed, monogamous partners? No. Long term excitement with a singular person seems hard to maintain… or people don’t really believe you if you say you’ve achieved it. It’s fucked dude. It’s like everything’s in the dark. No one has any real answers. Because you get mixed messages from both parties. No one seems to have a common truth. No one seems to have sorted it. The closest I get to truth are in Doug Stanhope’s bits. But is there a complete answer? No. I don’t so.

All this shit I’m whinging about is pointless. When I drink too much and nothing else is going wrong I think my problem’s drinking. If stand-up isn’t going well I think that’s the cause of my trauma. If sex is a problem, If I’m shit with money - It’s a rotating fucking wheel. It’s a wave at the beach. It’s the same for everyone I think. No one’s sorted we just get better at not giving a fuck.

We went up to her room. Because she had her period she chucked a black blanket on top of a bare mattress to keep it safe from the blood. We sat down. I tried to emulate and reflect her insanity back on her.

‘Tell me about your tattoo, what does it mean?’. I asked, pointing at her thigh.

‘…I don’t know what it means I only got it the oth – shut up, too slow!’. I interrupted.

‘What’s the longest friend you’ve ever had?’. I asked, talking quickly.

‘…Um I don’t know … like what do you mean?’. She replied.

‘Shut up who cares. You’re very pretty’. I said, mirroring her bi-polarisms.

‘Are you doing… me!?’ She asked, almost shouting. And fell forward, head onto the bed laughing.

‘Yeah I am. What’s it feel like to be on the other end?’. I asked.

‘I don’t know… no one’s ever done that to me before’. She replied.

We both lay on the bed and looked at the carpet. It was a mess of general bits and pieces. Classic miscellaneous, abstract rubbish you get when you move house. We looked at the bland carpet landscape in stoned fascination. I wasn’t even fascinated to be honest. I just needed something for my brain to latch onto.

She picked up a tiny piece of cylindrical plastic and sort of planted it into the carpet. It stood amongst the carpet trash like a lone cactus in a desert. We then picked up 2 tiny rocks and a bit of blue-tac and placed it around the base. Bizarrely it was almost fun. She took a close-up photo of our sculpture and uploaded it to Instagram with a caption like – ‘$500 to who can guess what this is’.

I edged closer to her. I wanted to touch her but I didn’t know how to start touching her. What’s the protocol on casual sex? When’s it weird? Too affectionate? Or not enough? I have no fucking idea. I’m new to this.

She pulled up her big red jumper to reveal her butt and humped the bed animatedly without saying anything as she flicked through her phone.

I guess that’s invitation enough? Surely… Although I still didn’t touch her. I made ridiculous conversation. Asking her weirdly personal questions. She answered them though. This quickly peated out and she interrupted my bullshit and said - ‘Alright now stick your dick in me’ and spread her legs. I just laughed and said ‘What the fuck man? Are you serious?’. ‘Yeah’ she said. ‘Can I kiss you?’ I asked. ‘No. Just fuck me’ she said.

She picked some music to fuck too, flung her phone away and lay her head face down on the bed.

I held her head down on the bed by her neck.

I tried to generate a dominant state of mind. But the situation was too distracting. The wave. The sand-like personality. The insanity. The weed.

I tried to pretend I hated her. Maybe that’d make it easier to fuck? Fucking shameful of me I know.

I started fingering. Getting into somewhat of a rhythm. Trying to discover a clit from the opposite angle. I felt quite horny now. I felt the adrenaline start to build inside me like last time. I could smell the metallic blood smell from the period.

I realised that I wasn’t getting hard at all. It freaked me out. I started spinning out in my mind. The more I tried to get hard the more impossible it seemed. A weird feeling. It was like when I have dreams that I’m in a fight but can’t throw punches and when I try to throw punches they’re in slow motion and soft. On paper, there’s no reason this situation wouldn’t turn me on. So, it confused me and time was running out.

‘What are you doing?! Just fuck me already!’ She half shouted, slightly muffled, her mouth on the mattress.

I managed to muster a very meagre, mid-strength boner. A boner like a doomed child actor. So much promise and potential but little did it know it was going to crash and burn before it could reach maturity.

I jumped up and removed my fingers from inside her. Being stoned I’d totally forgotten about the period. I looked at my fingers in confusion for a moment and then remembered. I grabbed my jacket haphazardly, making my headphones clunk onto the floor and my book fall out. I threw my jacket onto the mattress. I went to reach into the pocket but stopped again noticing the blood on my hand. I used my other hand which felt unnatural. It took forever but I eventually found the pocket with the condoms.

The last time we fucked. I hadn’t used a condom. This time I was so over prepared it was hilarious. I had a roll of roughly 8 condoms and 2 packs of lube! It reminded me of the time I went for a job interview to be a Lollypop Lady, helping kids cross the street. I went to the interview casually dressed. The only other guy being interviewed turned up in a suit. Ridiculous I thought but he got the job.

I took my pants off to reveal a very underwhelming, lukewarm boner. I tried to hide it. I got back to fingering. But it felt stupid. I gave up and started laughing. I leaned on my side.

‘Dude… I’m really sorry… but I just can’t get hard. It’s really weird… this hasn’t happened to me before...’. I said.

‘Yeah it’s OK. It’s fine. Don’t worry about it’. She said very quickly.

‘… Are you sure I can’t kiss you?’. I asked.

‘No’. She said.

‘OK…’. I said leaning back. Trying my best not to look at my depressed looking dick.

We lay there for a bit. She started playing with her nipples. Both pierced. She told a story about them but I forget the details. The atmosphere in the room softened. I almost felt relaxed. I started to get hard. One final attempt maybe? But it was short lived – my dick retreated. I lay there feeling a combination of intense melancholy and emptiness. I said sorry a few more times and we got in the shower.

I felt a disconnection to her. To everything really. Standing in the shower I let my vision blur. I put my hand close to the spout. We had some mundane chat about the soap and I zoned out. Everything went out of focus like a depressing abstract painting, grey, white, black and her light pink silhouette. Maybe this is where Rothko got his inspiration.

‘Are you depressed?’ – She asked.

‘Um… yeah… sure’. I said absent minded.

‘Are you?’. I asked.

‘Hehe… sometimes’. She said.

I dried myself. Put my clothes back on and sat on the mattress. In hindsight, I should’ve left straight away… for everyone’s sake. But for some reason I just sat on the mattress looking depressed like I just got my Uni results and I’d failed everything.

We said a few more things. She answered while flicking around on her phone.

I jolted back into reality, said sorry for the 20th time and started to leave. We said goodbye. She told me not to worry about what happened.

I walked out the front door and checked my phone. I had like 9 messages from my mum.

‘Liam. When did you do the Ketamine?!’ ‘Liam answer now!’ ‘Please answer!’. I laughed to myself and put my headphones on.

(To clear up. 2 posts ago I briefly mentioned I tried the classic drug Ketamine. I went into no detail. It’s not that interesting and it wasn’t that important of an experience. I talk a lot about suicidal, depressive, nihilistic thoughts in a post in-between that one and this one. I think my mum thinks they’re connected – Ketamine and me being a whining, depressed fuck. It’s hilarious to me how irrelevant and bad timing her pestering about the Ketamine was. It’s sweet though but Mum I’m fine.)

I headed back to the city with a fierce hunger to get obliterated drunk. I wanted to forget everything. I headed to a bottle shop.

Saw a guy wrapped up in a blanket. 2 longnecks wrapped in brown paper either side of him. Sitting right outside the bottle shop. Bottle to his lips and swinging back and forth like Stevie Wonder minus the smile and sun glasses. I looked at him enviously. Soon I thought… soon I could be like him.

Standing in the bottle shop it dawned on me how high I was. I pulled a shoelace undone with my foot. A wave of self-conscious stoner worry rushed through me – did that just look retarded? Do I look super cooked right now? I leant down and tied my shoe. It felt like minutes. While I was down there I could hear reggae quietly plodding away on the store speakers. I turned to the shop keeper dramatically. He looked me in the eye very non-cholent. It relaxed me. I started to browse the beers. Bought 3 longnecks and left, heading home.

The train line was intermittently replaced by busses. I had to wait at a station for 20 minutes while the next train came. I had 2% battery left on my phone. It was cold. The longnecks clinked in my plastic bag as I walked along the platform. I went to the toilet – not even needing to piss and contemplated drinking a longneck in the cubical to pass the time. The door didn’t even have a lock and the Protective Service Officers lurked around the station constantly. I was already high. I decided against it. But I craved it so fucking hard.

My phone died as I was listening to Myxomatosis by Radiohead. The song that sounds like all the FIFA games from the early 2000s. I felt retarded. I kept reading my depressing yet very good book until the train came.

Got on the train. Kept reading. Got off the train and moved quickly. Looking at any shrubbery or bench that I could enjoy a late-night beverage and not be interrupted by the bouncers of the universe – the police.

I walked quickly down the street. I crossed the road and thought I’d heard voices in my head. This used to happen when I was super depressed and would walk around the streets of Hobart high at 2am with no purpose, no direction, just trying to not think about anything. Trying not to think about girls I liked and trying not to think about death. I had a little tin that originally held breath mints. I’d fill it with rolled ciggies. I’d smoke 1 every 15 – 20 minutes. Not really enjoying them and I’d listen to Joy Division. I went to the school on the corner near my house. A place with a huge stretch of grass. Perfect for public drinking. You want a good vantage point like a sniper. So if someone’s going to interrupt you have time to get away.

I drank the Melbourne Bitter longneck as quickly as I could while my eyes adjusted to the small amount of light so I could read. It didn’t taste that good. I looked at the Melbourne Bitter logo and said – ‘Yes… I feel very bitter… and I’m in Melbourne’. Which is ridiculous. Implying that Melbourne is the reason for anything bad that’s recently happened. But I guess it’s what our dumb brains do -  simplify shit. The words of a comedian I really admire rang in my head - ‘Don’t go to Melbourne you’ll fucking hate it…’. Thanks for your encouraging words Tim Logan.

I started saying my thoughts out loud. I said – ‘oh yeah no I get it… I get how people become this! Homeless… just drinking on the streets swaying back and forth. Talking to people in their heads.’

In a way, it felt kind of liberating. The idea of living on the street. Normal people pretending not to notice you. Smashing long necks and selling recycled, re-rolled ciggies to other homeless people. Sitting on the street writing my journals while passes by filled my beanie with enough change to fill my MyKi enough to go to an open mic and back. That’s the dream, isn’t it?

A comedian at a party once told me about this philosopher Eckhart Tolle. When he was younger in his late twenties he was going to kill himself, but decided to live in his local park for a few years and loved it apparently. It allowed him to enjoy his existence. Now he’s a successful philosopher – if you can believe that. No idea if any of that’s true.

Even though you could hardly call it ‘being in nature’ the soccer pitch I was sitting on, after a while, started to give me that feeling you get when you go camping. You know when it starts to get dark and you feel yourself getting sleepy at like 8pm? You feel comfort being around the nature.

I kept drinking and reading. The book hit me hard. It made me clench up and moan and push my back into the wall. The whole evening depressed me. I’d smashed 2 longnecks in the space of 15 minutes. I was sufficiently numb. I saved the nicest longneck for my girlfriend, closed my book and headed home.

Excerpt from An Attempt at A Novel – From 2015

This one time I walked up the garden path out of boredom and, I don’t know, loneliness and found three young boys that when I asked what was going on all simply poked out their tongues to show very small, singular square pieces of paper. I’ve never had a question answered with a tongue being poked out. They all disappeared and I was left with this quiet but friendly guy that didn’t say much but gave you a lot of attention.  We sat watching the TV in the lounge room. I think the cricket was on or something. We weren’t really watching it but that’s where our gaze inevitably fell. It’s weird how nowadays people just chuck TVs everywhere; waiting rooms, hospitals, dentists, malls, kitchens, bathrooms, cars and even their own lounge rooms. The Television pretty much governs a lounge room. It’s the ruler of the room. It’s a portal for any occasion, whatever the weather, whatever the time, even when there’s nothing desirable on the fucking thing. It’s like noisy incense that lets off way too much smoke and chokes the mind. But at the same time gives some disgusting feeling of comfort. I don’t know why it makes me so angry or sour, I guess it’s just how casually people turn them on and put them places, especially when they don’t even have the sound on and people in waiting rooms blankly look at the screens while their kids play with the shitty toys provided. Its external meditation; meditation that gives you no calmness but makes you a vegetable for a bit. We were watching the television, or at least looking at it. The lounge room was messy pretty much 80 percent of the time.