#no fucking way I get to read 100000 words of this I’m gonna vomit’

[unnamed-proxy]

When the fic is so good I have to stop reading it

[bae-science]

it’s t-t-t-t-time for another newt bae-science fic rec extravabonanza! same rules, same boys, same bullshit! let’s get into it:

a beginning; a second chance by @dykesword

other newt and i have a long and intricate ritualistic battle to become the alpha newt, but i gotta give credit where it’s due. if you like to annotate your books for fun, this fic will give you a looooong comment you’ll want to write, and for good reason! there’s a lot of really well done metaphor and character detail in here, while still keeping a very soft, melancholy but with a hopeful edge tone. and also, like, the care and detail in which newt’s mental state in the aftermath of the precursors’ abuse is depicted is so so good, and delightful to read

husbandly duties by @kingeiszler

i am soooo biased with this one bc technically it was made for me but GODDAMN it’s good. this shit has everything: gottlieb trio sibling dynamics, vanessa in giant femme earrings, hermann yearning, newt and karla infodumping together, newt’s terrible and accurate gaydar, gay crime, the newmann dynamic and why it works boiled down to its bare essentials, pride and prejudice glasses touch, and neon green acrylics. required reading for the vanessaverse

Say That Again by @robertfrobisherslover

WOOF. if you like mutual pining and lack of communication from men with rocks for their emotional processing centers, and guncle (gay uncle) newt and hermann and KILLER artsy sex scenes, and themes of words unsaid in a story about LANGUAGE..... oogoogogoogouhufug. the writing style is clear and well paced, i LOVE little mako’s scene she’s such a cutie, and there’s like. a line. that’s a play on the whole “it’s always been you” trope. that lives in my mind rent free forever.

speak right to my heart without saying a word by @thekaidonovskys

i’m just gonna paste the comment i left on it here, because that sums up what is so absolutely incredible about this fic the best:

so sometimes you stumble on a piece of fiction that you add to your little collection of stuff you would show a person if you wanted them to understand a part of you that you can't quite explain eloquently, or it would take too long, etc etc, and i've never really found something like that for my autism until now, which, like, poggers. and i'll be as straight up as i can while still being the biggest lesbian in the great state of ohio (not a hard feat but alan invented computers so i love continuing on the autistic tradition of being a living miracle), the chameleon effect hit me like a mack truck. catholic school in the deep south is the most potent and effective form of ABA therapy imaginable :/. so sometimes i wonder what i would be like if i didn't have such a strong ability to pass, and here's where we finally get to the part of this comment where i just vomit compliments at you: you nailed it. you got it. i don't know if you're on the spectrum, but either way, well fucking done. trauma therapy research talks a lot about healing fantasies, which are fantasies, usually in the form of daydreams, that abused/neglected/traumatized/etc people create that directly address a struggle they have and take the form of a scenario in which that struggle is helped in some way. it could be an abusive parent repenting and showering them with the love they never had, or someone finding them during a panic attack and somehow knowing how best to comfort them without having to ask, or being intimate with someone and having a scar or physical deformity they've been shamed for be given attention and care. and i think you have created the ultimate perfect healing fantasy for autistic people, or at least those with """"high functioning"""" autism. it has a character who is visibly and undeniably on the spectrum having the pain and trauma going through life like that causes being acknowledged and validated, they are purposefully paid attention to because person b genuinely likes them and wants to understand and respect who they are and how they function in the world, and thus get The Mortifying Ordeal of Being Known as well as the eventual rewards of being loved, person b makes a genuine effort to help teach them social skills in a way they can understand and learn through and is there for them when these skills are being practiced, their space and boundaries are respected but they aren't infantilized or thought of as an emotionless robot, and they receive love and comfort on their own terms not despite of but because of who they are, even specifically being asked not to change the way they are because that way is lovable. they are openly desired. writing is my fucking JOB and it's still difficult to put into words how much you got 100000% right about the dream with this fic. i have been in the EXACT and i mean EXACT same situation as hermann when he asked newt if it was his personality itself that made people not like him, because i deadass made a spreadsheet of all my personality attributes i thought could be preventing me from making friends in college, and then asked my fellow nd friend to see if there was anything i was missing. so i guess what i'm trying to say is that this amazing, and i'm bookmarking it and putting it on my next fic rec post, and maybe one day way way in the future if i ever get a partner i want to explain the whole autism thing to, i'm gonna have them read this.

The Facts With Newton Geiszler, PhD by what_alchemy (NSFW)

storytime: i read this fic a few years ago, completely forgot the title and author, and ended up thinking about the part where hermann admits to having fucked a trailer hitch when he was a teenager, at least once a week. last november, i say to my friend samara on twitter, head of the BSHCU (buttslut hermann cinematic universe), hey this seems like something you’d have read, do you remember a fic where... and samara says FUCK i do know what you’re talking about lemme find it. so if the fact that i have been looking for this fic for like, two years, and that it contains a moment so iconic all i had to say is, “hermann says he fucked a trailer hitch” and she IMMEDIATELY knew what i was talking about, does not convince you to read this... go back to catholic school i guess.

Feeling Blue by TempusPetrichor

fics where newt goes back to work as a biologist, especially a xenobiologist, post pru are really interesting, and usually have something neat to say about recovery, how it isn’t linear, how it often involves us returning to things we love for comfort, etc. this one sure does! some good emotional and physical h/c, LOVE the use of the ghost drift, and it’s always fun to see post pru fics use dialogue very obviously taken from dbt, trauma-specific therapeutical texts, and anything that shows the author has experience with, or did their research on, ptsd therapies.

You’re Everyone That Ever Cared by KlavierWrites

you know a fic is good when it’s an only 9k slowburn and still manages to reach infinite regress levels of are you fucking KIDDING GO TO THERAPY. newt “acts of service” geiszler may have a little misplaced misogyny due to his broken woman-centric gaydar. as a treat. the fucking. post-drift scene where hermann subtextually screams “LOOK IN OUR BRAINS YOU FUCK I’M IN LOVE WITH YOU I JUST HAVE AUTISM AND CAREER IN STEM DISORDER” is soooooo. god just hermann in general in that scene is great. if you like classic mid 2010s era newmann, ghost drift romance, and good ole mutual pining, this is a treat.

Baby, You're Hotter than my Bunsen Burner by SkySongMA

moronosexual hermann representation is something that can actually be so personal

Times of Stress by RadioMoth

the boys are processinggggggg. man what a good, quick and powerful punch to the gut. if you like post-pr1 catharsis and physical h/c, AND are the one friend that likes to comment at the end of the movie that hey newt got beat the fuck UP, check this one out.

black tea by @faggotcas

okay first of all, god fucking tier url, lee. second of all, food as a love language is my SHIT. i love the very slow relationship development here, where you see them making a genuine effort to get along and that in turn leading to feelings reigniting. it’s such a sweet little moment of a fic, with a nice atmosphere and tone to fit it

now here’s the part where i usually drop my latest fic, but i haven’t written one this month because i’ve been busy launching an audio drama! you can find it here, it’ll be right up your alley if you like cryptids and gay scientists and enemies to lovers and good ole americana, but since this is a newmann post, i’m gonna recommend the pacific rim audio drama duology i did a while back! part one is called conversations from the brink, and it’s a little slice of the pr3 we better fucking get from streaming that godawful looking anime. love and lesbians to everyone ❤️

[writhingcreature]

Warning: Long post that's basically just me word vomiting and not editing or sorting my thoughts at all. It's very confusing and depressing and 100000/10 not worth reading. I just have to get it off my chest and post it so I can let it go. Sorry to clog your tl.

-

I'm tired of "If Only" from fucking Discendants of all places hitting so goddamn hard.

Like, internalized homophobia really comes CALLING everytime I realize how in love with my girlfriend I am and how happy she makes me and how excited I am to be with her irl and live with her and be able to kiss her and hold her hand and hear her say my name and talk to her in person

I'm just chilling and then my heart goes "her 🥰" and my brain goes "that's gay 🤢" and honestly YEAH BITCH IT IS GAY SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!! IM GAY!!! YOURE GAY!!! WERE ALL GAY!!!!

And then I listen to "If Only" and it hits soooooo hardddddddddd like let me break this down for you!!!!

"A million thoughts in my head- should I let my heart keep listening? Cause up till now, Ive walked the line. Nothing lost- but something missing." like, I fought my bisexuality my whole life. I was raised LDS (Mormon) and most of not all religious kids in general will tell you for years how much they still how evil that shit is into you and honestly between my programming and what I know in my very bones, it's so???? I'm so???? p u z z l e d!!!! I hate the chaos and the way it all tears me to pieces this is fucking ridiculous

"I can't decide what's wrong, whats right. Which way should I go?" AGAIN!!!! WITH THE TARGETTING MY PROGRAMMING!!! I've been taught my whole life that God Hates Gays so like?? If I'm happy and in love and feel safe and secure that's?? Bad? I've spent my whole life being miserable doing what I've always thought was the right thing and like, after watching Frozen 2 and adopting that "just do the next right thing" mentality, I'm sitting here genuinely wondering what that is? And sometimes I wonder if I'm gonna go to hell and drag her and my boyfriend with me and that's so heartbreaking but like why should I be miserable my whole goddamn life? Just for a supposed eternal happiness that's supposed to happen? I've already lost so many people and I cannot ha del just being friends with her so if we're not dating then I guess we're not in each other's lives and that's fucking unacceptable. Like being happy SHOULD BE THE RIGHT THING WHAT THE FUCK RELIGION

"If only I knew what my heart was telling me. Don't know what I'm feeling; is this just a dream?" Like daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamn do I feel that. Is it telling me to leave everyone behind and completely restart my life? Is it telling me to ditch my family and live the life Ive always wanted? Or to ditch my partners and lead the life I've been told I should be living? Because honestly I can't fucking live both and as it's going, I'm eventually going to have to either give up my family or my girlfriend and I have to tell you where I'm standing now it seems my family is g o i n g and that's so fucking tragic. Re: Ive lost so many people and losing all of them? Like the idea that I have family in the afterlife waiting for me is the only shit that kept me going and now I have to abandon all of it just to be happy for two fucking seconds? But then, that same family abandoned and neglected and brutally abused me so really why is the choice so hard? What the fuck???

"If only I could read the signs in front of me, I could find a way to who I'm meant to be." Am I hesitant to leave my family because I've been programmed to think they're all I have? Do I have to ditch them at all? Can we all just chill and cold to an agreement or is having them in my life always goikg to be them reminding me I'll always "be a girl" even though I'm enby and that bisexuality is fake and that homosexuality is evil even when I'm happy? They're so toxic but maybe they're not? Maybe I'm just not leading my life the way I should be? What do feelings mean? How do people decifer this shit?? How does one make Good Choices?

"Every step, every word. With every hour I'm falling in. To something new. Something brave. To someone I have never been." AM I CHANGING??? IS THAT A GOOD THING??? AM I BECOMING WORSE OR BETTER????? SHOULD I BE CHANGING DIFFERENTLY?? Is what I knew about myself no longer applicable? How will I know what's good for me if I don't even know who I am? And if I don't know who I am or where I'm going how am I suppose to know which decision to make and which person to become? How do I know what's good for me if I don't even fucking know who 'me' is???

"Am I crazy? Maybe we can happen. Will you still be with me when the magic's all run out?" AND ANOTHER THING! How much will change between me and her when we're in person? Maybe the distance is whats keeping us togerher. She doesn't have to deal with me in person. My depression. My anxiety. My triggers. My strong opinions. My neediness. Having sex with me. Sharing a bed or a room or even just a house with me. What if I'm as much a burden to her as I am to everyone else? What if she ends up hating me, and all this worrying was for nothing because I'm on the completely wrong path and I just don't deserve happiness anymore. Maybe my viewpoint is completely wrong and she'll see that and start hating me???????

Like honestly I have so many doubts - mainly about me because she's amazing and so is my boyfriend. Maybe they'd be happier without me. Maybe everyone would be happier if I just didn't fucking exist at all.

And that's literally on internalized (or just general) homophobia and how absolutely toxic and destructive it is. End it now so that people in the future don't end up like me.