#no editing we die like um . uhhh;

[trainingdummyrabbit]

anyway if anyone wants loose notes on team control team but librarified uhhhhhh

libraryifies them cutely…. control team sticks with rolang in gen works :] order goes:

Jacob

takes it about as well as anyone Could tbh, being the first librarian in. feels kind of odd about the whole killing People thing (its much different than abnormalities, theres less dissonance there…) but hes good at just keeping his head down and doing what he needs to. honestly kinda thrives with the Actual Library Work though. receptions are easier for him if he frames it as a defensive thing, which… it almost is, he guesses. he finds he doesnt much like many of the guests that come in (due to being rude or unruly) and justifies himself that way. hes trying his best to be a good support for his team, but well… everyone is taking it Very differently and Very intensely in ways he cant quite help them with, and its… kind of distressing. hes never been much good at helping with that– in fact his blunt approach seems to just make things worse more often than not. but… hes gotta keep trying. 

re: roland (1) - is a bit confused roland seems to kinda know whats going on, even if he seems cagey about it. but jacob trusts roland, and thats enough. he will talk when he feels safe to, until then he will simply do his best to support him. re: roland (2) - respects the guy enough. thinks he was stupid trying to break in without a plan once he hears about it, but it is what it is. roland probably thinks him a bit odd, but not too bad. just… a little hard to talk to, sometimes. also gives off narc vibes… 

re: angela - he didnt really know angela besides the occasional mention and maybe a visit or two, but he knows shes pretty important. he assumes some sort of mutiny, which… well, i guess. he wont make any assumptions, but again. he does as he must. (not his business Why, he just… he just Goes. yknow.) 

John

is… highly confused and at least a little disoriented for a while. he takes this new life as a blessing, though. (he wasnt really ok with dying there either. that didnt really feel… right. fair. to him.) he quite enjoys slacking off on librarian duties, just on account of having something to slack off On. (his actual work ability is still just fine. quick and efficient, if he gets there. tends to get distracted by reading sometimes though...) receptions are fine enough for him. is what it is. he will do his best, yknow. (doesnt so much like the ‘forgets he can respawn’ thing, but afterward hes fine. its like a nice little surprise, until he forgets again. keeps him humble, keeps him appreciative. having no consequences is obviously doing wonders for his hubris.) 

re: roland (1) - knows Something is up with him making him so nervous. he Wants to poke and pry, but knows the guy will Immediately put up walls. all he can do is snoop around… he makes it his special little priority. he started acting weird on their last day, and then didnt even address it after? somethings sus man. hiding shit is no use to anyone, yknow. re: roland (2) - likes the guy pretty quickly honestly! they probably slip off to hang out with netzie every so often, john does a Great job at distracting jacob. picks up the Thats That and This Is This attitude pretty quick, which obviously has. Implications. (read: The Problems)

re: angela - honestly? cant be too mad at her. honestly hes kind of happy she took them with, but he wont tell anyone that. he honestly wouldve done the same thing in her position, he thinks. hes honestly just confused everyone Else is upset.

Jose

tttthe problems and difficulties. goes through all this drama trying to come to terms with their own mortality, works until he can finally feel (maybe) satisfied with his life, and then… its again. thats cruel. again, again, again. he cant stand the thought of having to die Again. again again again. hes upset for everyone that got left behind. hes upset for everyone who has to keep running. hes… hes almost upset about everything He was put through, was that all honestly Nothing? but… at the same time, he… hes happy to see his teammates again. even if hes still figuring out if its… real. if he’s real. if theyre all just dreaming. is this purgatory? this surely must be worse. um, right, books again. he cant think about it too hard or he might have a panic attack. get derealization beam’d idiot. library work is… fine, he guesses. its fine enough, he can just end up zoning out really easily and spiraling. he cant do it for too long without company. receptions dont make him very happy at all. he hates having to be responsible for taking more lives, for putting himself and his team in danger again. even if they come back, thats still… its not ok. but, again… what can he do but keep running? 

re: roland (1) - roland is upset about something. he assumes its just their reality, and finds some solace in that hes not the only one struggling. he tries to passively make things easier for him if he can, even if he doesnt need it. re: roland (2) - the guy is awfully lax for someone whos forced to do… all this. he honestly doesnt take him very seriously. hes reliable enough, but… well, how flippant he is kinda sets him off, even if he does seem to care. he tries giving advice but it just doesnt help. he… appreciates the gesture, he guesses. 

re: angela - he… doesnt… hes not very happy with her. to just toss out all that work and effort was… well, it made him angry. or well, about as angry as he can get. and to give up all that for the sake of making More sacrifices and taking More from people, he just… didnt get it. (at the very least give them some sort of choice…) truthfully though, as much as it all weighs on him, he cant honestly find it in him to be truly Angry. to really Hate her. because he was scared of that eternal slumber as well. she wasnt given a choice much like they were. he doesnt agree with her, but… he understands a little, at least. hes rather conflicted about this.

Mabel

ohhhh buddy noooooo. he Hates the idea of having to be Used again, after thinking he and his buddies were finally free from being shaken around like that. even if they were to die at the end, at least theyd come to that acceptance together. now, it was like tossing the whole thing out, rewriting it. as well, he no longer is tied to mimicry’s ego, which is a bit of a relief, but… but he isnt as strong now. people cant rely on him like they did before. and whats worse is that he still feels just as disgusting as if he was still… a Thing. he is so much weaker now, which is the intent, which he Hates. he just wants to go from one point to another, brute force, but he cant because thats not the point but that rule is so arbitrary in his mind and AUGHGH. library work is tedious and difficult and he just holds everyone back. reception work makes him feel Horrible about himself– not necessarily because of the Killing, but because hes so… awkward now. he cant move the way hes used to, how he wants to. (the line between him and mimicry got verrrry blurred.) if anything, receptions are best for him to take out his frustration. its a little scary to watch. hes gone back to feeling like the weak link on the team, and he hates it. this sucks. this is awful. 

re: roland (1) - roland doesnt seem nearly as upset with angela as he should be, and that pisses him off. its like he doesnt even care that they have to go through all this. like what lies ahead isnt Anything to him. (he doesnt know.) he doesnt really wanna be around him. cant stand it. cant stand that he cant stand it. re: roland (2) - hes just some guy that showed up, so he doesnt have to care about him. in fact, he doesnt. at all. straight up refuses to listen to him more often than not. it isnt His fault any of this happened, but… well, hes there, and he has no other outlet for frustration, so… sorry roland. (not to mention how buddy-buddy he is with angela. he doesnt know what they had to go through, so why should he care about him?)  he doesnt Like being mean to the guy, but he just… cant help it. he makes it too easy. ends up avoiding him to stop feeling guilty about it. 

re: angela - cannot stand thinking about her. he refuses to even entertain the thought of seeing from her perspective. probably the most likely to Actively challenge her, mostly because he doesnt actually know just what her role is/was. (doing so would obviously, inevitably, make him more upset.) he cant see past her actions that one day, mostly because he’s still caught up on coming to terms with everything. if he were to hear more about the situation, he would honestly… still be kinda pissed off. mostly just on the fact that it had to happen to begin with. hes still mad at her, he just feels a little bad about being mad at her. he very much has his own issues to tackle before he can start to unravel that mess. (he eventually ends up deciding to stick around for the sake of his team more than for the sake of Her. but he does eventually simmer down about it. Still kinda upset, but he gets her a bit more now. hes more upset about the Situation than Directly At Her. the fact that she was able to fight so hard to make something of herself… it gave him hope, even if he refused to say so, refused to realize. if she could push herself through all that and come out a better person, then…)

the struggle with trying t pick up writing again is that inevitably it goes "i need an idea to work off of" -> "oh but i wanna get the details right, let me take a minute to write down some notes on how things work." -> 10 Paragraphs Of Notes And Nothing Else

[prentissluvr]

i dont have all of my sam thots and dean thoughts just yet but I had to send in this bc I completely forgot about meg! sam

and its a damn shame that we didn't see more of that bc it solidified my stance on being a sam girlie

we got at least 3 episodes of demon dean (i have not seen him yet i've only heard about it) but we got like less than half an hour with meg! sam and honestly we deserved more with him

meg! sam made me feel lots of things LOLL

(i wanted to be jo SO BAD in that episode LMAO)

now i need your thots on him please :p

KJDFSJL NO BECAUSE... NOOO I CANT thinking about the amount of meg!sam edits i've seen in the past few days. thinking about the one saved in my camera roll. thinking about throwing up pissing my pants projectile vomiting and passing the fuck out. i reiterate tho, i'm normal!! i'm so so so normal and i don't feel things about it!!!!!!!

i'm honestly still like borderline unsure about how nsfw i want to get on this blog, but uhhh i'm just gonna start typing and see where my dirty fucking mind takes me!

cw : highly suggestive!! no smut, but still absolutely no minors!! MDNI!! contains condescending/mean/possessed sam, but also sweet sam too <33. use of gendered terms, but it is gender inclusive to fem, masc, and gn as much as i could make it! horrible writing it's genuinely just me going feral :))

sooo basically for me the worst (best) part of meg!sam was his voice! it's so bad (never have i ever heard anything hotter in my life). IDK I DONT EVEN THINK I CAN FORM A COHERENT THOUGHT OVER THIS NOT GONNA LIE. uhm uhhh ummmm uhhhh uhmmmm.

so basically so basically, essentially, wwowowowowowowowifjhshf alright lets focus on one thing at a time.

we'll start with that goddamn voice of his. the way it goes from teasing, condescending to deeper, more gravelly and matter-of-fact and then back to condescending LIKE WHOO IM GONNA NEED TO TAKE A LAP. idk just thinking about his large hand on the back of your head, maybe tangled in your hair if the way you wear it allows for that, and his veiny forearm visible through your peripheral vision as he says "open up.. that's a girl" like he did to jo😭😭😭 (or he's says "thaaat's it" to keep things gender neutral, dragging out the "that's" for an extra second, that extra gravel in his condescending tone).

and while this is in possessed!sam context, he'd definitely say things like that normally, i do personally envision him to be less condescending and more sincere. either way, hot as fuck if you ask me. also this isn't meg!sam, but in season seven he says "good girl" and i do listen to that clip several times a day, i am so serious when i say that and i have no shame about it!! i have daddy issues so i do not care!!! so yeah he also says good girl/boy/whatever variation you enjoy best <3 uhmmm yeah but the main point is his hot as fuck voice, right next to your ear with his breath tickling you sensitive skin. especially with that whisper. oh god the whisper😭 and along with "that's a girl," there's atta girl and he'd use that one too so i'll go die in a hole :))) but yeah he genuinely thinks you're so good for him so expect that praise, whether you want it sweet or mean.

then we also have his facial expressions!! the smirk he uses to rile you up or that he flashes you, all mean and haughty because he knows he's getting to you. the fake pity too!! lord help me, once again the utterly fake pity just falls under that condescending persona that was so hot about meg!sam. i'm just gonna use photo evidence and you can imagine him looking at you like that!! enjoy!

last thing i have to say about meg!sam is manhandling!! ahahaahahahaahahah i'm normal and okay!! (this is a cry for help i need him so bad). um yeah while i hate the context of the manhandling of jo in the episode because it's crossing so many boundaries, i will still enjoy the fact that he is hot. so yeah! have fun thinking about sam whirling you around and pinning you between his chest and nearest surface, hand on your forehead to tilt your chin up and give him full access to the skin of your neck. his other hand is pinning your wrist to whatever surface is behind you, and your own free hand is tangled in his hair and he lays wet, desperate kisses all over your neck and collarbone. that's all hahahahaha :)))) feeling so sane right now!!

[hazelcephalopod]

Some thoughts on Carnival Row (spoilers both seasons)-

- this show feels like a remake of a late 90’s to early aughts cartoon but with a gritty adult vibe. I say this with affection.

-I think if this was maybe a movie or maybe they had just gone a slightly different direction this would have really taken off. Even as is though it think it’s vastly underrated, like it has problems -oh boy does it-, but the steampunk-ish early 20th century vibe plus fantasy set in an entirely new world is cool. Just the vibes, they are great. (Ps it could actually be gaslight punk or something).

- I really hope the “New Dawn” revolutionary group from the Pact might be good guys? Like not perfect, but I’d like the communists to maybe make some lasting good change on the world? I’m probably putting my clown make up on with that a little. On the other hand I am deeply pessimistic they are going to also be the villains. I hope I’m wrong, I hope they are a nuanced faction which does offer support but maybe is doing some fucked up stuff too, which just pales in comparison to the rest of the world atm.

- I wish the Fae were more like, visibly on screen queer and poly instead of just minor lip service to back up the mostly obscure world building for that. The poly part I get is slightly more… a sign of some progress in that even talking about it as a good thing is a positive. But this could be more queer. (I got a whole thing about how it seems like Amazon especially doesn’t like mlm on screen but that does extend to queer people as a whole).

- there is a fuck ton of worldbuilding and I’m sad we won’t be able to see much more of it. I think it could be really neat.

Ok so, plot opinions time.

- I enjoy Imogen and Agreaus but they really are just in a different show, I’m hopeful their involvement with the New Dawn is going to lead to them being used to support the Row and the Fae in the Burgue. Tbf I’m not really annoyed by them just off doing whatever, I just think it’s kinda funny, but it is a show.

- plot point 2. Flying into the Burgue State dinner was… a choice. A very dangerous and likely deadly one. The core “show them what is happening to us and how we are suffering” is good but like… these people are just inches from, uhhh, mass murder -well, more of it? Dahlia deciding she *had* to be the one to go was odd to me, because it seemed like a death mission right? The power play of showing up to that dinner, when they aren’t even supposed to be able to leave the Row, well that’s a threat and like I said solutions in the Burgue are, um, very death oriented at the moment. Which, I thought maybe Dahlia might be smart enough to try a “how about you do that and I will coordinate from here (and hopefully you die because I hate you)” to Vin. But, nope she went herself with a handful of others most of whom died -though I think it wasn’t at the dinner, I need to rewatch. The woman with Bas Dubh (is that black death? It’s not translated for me, but it’s pretty much just Irish yea? I don’t recall the meaning of “bas” If any [edit yea it’s Black Death]) anyway she was shot. So. Idk if the garnering sympathy worked. Personally I think maybe a gathering of both common people and some of the politicians would have been most ideal. But I know the point was stopping Philo, bringing us too-

- Philo, really dude? You hid you half fae status your entire life -because the discrimination is so bad in the Burgue- and now it’s “oh now that I’ve revealed that, I can totally uh, convince all these violent bigots to listen to me -someone they no longer see as a person- that their leader is, illegitimate and murder-y?” What? Again, the solutions are very murder oriented and idk, doubt they will listen. Maybe I’m being the asshole pessimist here idk, but I just don’t think that’s how a systems like that works.

- counterpoint to the general murderous political environment in the Burgue. Primarily from seeing some of the Burgue owner class being like “this whole confining our workforce with a police state is really hurting our bottom line” was something. I hope, but doubt, it will be explored more. For instance, some of them should be plotting a coup. B/c when the government begins to threaten their bottom line many companies will decide “how get rid of this?” And choose “overthrow the whole government, consequences be damned”.

- I think it’s was a Pact (feudalist) dignitary or soldier who shot the woman with Bas Dubh, which could indicate that they are in fact the worse guys in that conflict and the New Dawn could be primarily helpful later on.

[ceaseless-watchers-special-girl]

love having mutuals who are also into angst because we'll really say "😭😭 i'm crying FUCK YOU how could you???" and then retaliate with even WORSE angst.

edit: i'm pretty proud of this actually i'm tagging the gang. @smidgen-of-hotboy @urjover @one-joe-spoopy @the-private-eye @waters-and-the-wilde uhhh @demonic-panini sorry for the tags guys i just need you to see this

juno wakes in a room colder and crueler than the voices of those damn executives, feeling like he'd been run over by a ship ten times the size of the carte blanche and it had gone back over his head for seconds. he tries to lift his arms to massage the splitting pain running through his brain like a laser, but they're tied behind his back to the chair he's sitting in. he's not sure he'd have the strength to move his arms anyway.

suddenly, a flash of emotions cuts through to the core of him, fear and pain and sorrysorrysorrysorrow and the relief that runs through him clashes horribly with the ruby's distress.

"ruby? you're alive?"

the ruby whistles softly to agree, and if nothing else, the pain in juno's heart lessens. "what— what happened, back there? are you— are you going to be okay?"

the ruby stutters when it responds, like it's not quite sure of the answer, but juno's getting the general sense that it's not going to die, and right now, he'll take what he can get.

"where's the rest of you, can you feel it? is it safe?"

ruby whistles the affirmative again, but there's more, this time. like it's trying to tell him something. it sends a message straight to his skull, and juno winces as he feels the searing pain of being split in half once again, but there's something beyond the pain, now. a voice.

b-boss? the— the ruby's sayin' you can hear me this way. are you alright? can you say somethin'? please, mista steel. i need to know.

juno almost cries with relief.

rita's voice is full of tears, which isn't the most unusual thing, but it's different, this time. deeper. juno hasn't heard rita this upset in so long, he's almost speechless. not entirely, though. he owes it to her to let her know.

"yeah, yeah, rita, i'm okay. in pain, and i got caught, but okay for now. i think i'm alone. are you alright? did everyone get out of the facility okay?"

yeah, they're— they're all out, boss. at least, that's what miss melee told me, i don't know how many people they were keepin' in that place.

juno feels some of the tension bleed out of his shoulders. the shift hurts a little, and the ruby whistles in protest — juno should probably stop moving so much, if it's keeping the link open between them, it can feel his pain. he tries to make it quick.

"okay, rita, that's good."

we're coming to get you, boss. we're workin' on a plan right now — we ain't gonna leave you in there, just hang on, alright?

"i know, rita, i know. just be careful, okay? and, uh, i-if nureyev's there, tell him not to work himself into the ground when he comes to get me back. playing the hero's supposed to be my thing."

there's silence from the ruby for a while, and juno would think it's cut off the connection, or passed out, except he can still feel it's pain cutting through his core.

"rita? you there?"

i don't think mista nureyev's coming, boss. he's not been doing much of anything since he got here.

oh.

"oh. um..." juno tries to think of something to say, something quick and easy, a joke, maybe. something that will let the ruby rest and let rita get to work and let him pretend that nureyev was still coming for him.

i'm sorry, boss.

"don't be. you're doing everything you can. and hey, rita?"

yeah, mista steel?

juno chokes back a sob. "i'm sorry i'm not there with you. but i know you'll bring us home."

the ruby cuts him off, and juno waits, and hopes that fate won't make his last words to rita a lie.

hey who else was made PHYSICALLY SICK BY THIS??!!!??!?

[whump-me-all-night-long]

Jeweler!Sapphire AU (not canon)

Welcome to 3k words of this amazing AU idea that may or may not become a multi-parter. No editing, we die like.. idk. Please let me know what y'all think!!

Tagging the usual group (let me know if you only want to be tagging in canon stuff): @newbornwhumperfly @unicornscotty @itsleighlove @whump-scribbles @getyourwhumphere @skunkandgrenade @penny-for-your-whump @lektric-whump @just-a-whump-lover @thelazywitchphotographer @restrainthenmaime @angstyachesplus @lilbitwhumpy @leaderofthebeanarmy @aquard-skaii @whumprincess @thatgaysnail @finaldreams1106 @reveriedeludesme @kemonoinuzuka @circlingravens @whumpasaurus101 @spicy-wendigo @femmewithadhd @wafflestakethecake @lonesome--hunter @as-a-matter-of-whump @broadwaybabe18 @whumpinggoodtime @temporary-whump-sideblog @dumb-and-lesbian let me know if you want to be added/removed!

CW: talk of death (in a pretty disrespectful manner), talk of human trafficking, intimate whumper, hair pulling, noncon touching, some pretty noncon vibes near the end, uhhh Saph/Dustin is a real asshole, let me know if I need to tag anything else!

Masterlist

---

The sound of a ringing phone woke Dustin. With a groan, he rolled over in bed, blankets tangled around his legs. Blindly groping along his nightstand, he found his phone and answered the call, from an unknown number, blue eyes squinting against the flash of the bright screen.

“Yeah?” he answered, stifling a yawn.

“Is this Mr. Moore?” a timid male voice said.

Rubbing a hand across his face, Dustin sat up, glancing at the clock with a groan. “Yes, this is he,” he responded, voice tight. “Now who the fuck is calling me at four a.m.?”

A throat was cleared on the other end of the line. “Sorry to disturb you, sir, but I’m Nicholas Jameston.” There was a pause, as if he expected Dustin to recognize the name. “I’m your uncle’s lawyer.”

Dustin blinked, brow furrowing in confusion. “My uncle? You mean.. Uncle Spence?”

A curt “Yes, sir.”

“Okayyyy,” he drew out. “Listen, I haven’t talked to him in years. Since I left for college at least. Probably before even high school. You see, my dad and him, they didn’t really get along-” He cut himself off. Why was he telling this man anything? “Anyways, there must be some confusion. I don’t know why he wants his lawyer contacting me all of a sudden.” Shit, he thought. Did I break or steal something last time I was at his place? Is this what this is about?

There was an awkward beat of silence before the lawyer cleared his throat again. “No, sir, there’s no mistake or confusion. You see, you’re Mr. Spencer’s closest remaining blood relative.”

Dustin was really not awake enough for this conversation. “Just say what you need to and be done with it.”

“Your uncle is dead,” the lawyer finally said. “And you’re his sole heir.”

-

Dustin pulled up in his car, a shiny BMW he’d bought using his dad’s life insurance money a few years ago. He squinted against the darkness of early morning, checking the address again. This place looked less like a family home and more like a fortress. A prison.

He wondered, for the millionth time since getting rudely awoken and told that a man he’d met only a handful of times was a) dead and b) giving him everything, what exactly he was doing here. His dad must be rolling over in his grave. Not that Dustin particularly cared about that.

He knew that the brothers had never gotten along, that his dad, the older brother, had apparently “abandoned” the family business because it was “amoral,” but Dustin had never really been privy to the details. He rolled his eyes just thinking about his dad and his need to be righteous and perfect all the time.

That apparently had gone out the window at some point, but the bastard was too proud to go back to his brother - their parents were already dead by that time - and instead decided to start his own company, selling.. who knew? Certainly not Dustin. No, the young twenty-six-year-old was perfectly content enjoying his bachelor playboy lifestyle, feeding off mommy and daddy’s blood money.

“Mr. Moore?” A man was standing on the doorstep, fidgeting nervously with a thick manila envelope.

Dustin took one look at him and barely withheld a sigh. This man, short, balding, oily, was a lawyer alright. He raised one lazy eyebrow. “Jameson, I presume?” he called back, making his way slowly up the path to the door.

“Uh, it’s Jameston, sir,” the man corrected quickly.

Dustin didn’t bother to hide his smirk. “Whatever. Let’s just get this over with. It’s early and I have a busy day ahead of me. Left a pretty girl waiting for me to call. Wouldn’t want to disappoint.”

Not bothering to wait, Dustin stepped up to the door and opened it, stepping inside a grand foyer. He whistled softly, taking in the shimmering chandelier, the sweeping staircase, with a gold-woven rug running down the middle, and the many large and well-furnished rooms branching off from the entrance.

“Now this is a nice playhouse, huh?” he said, grinned indolently.

He saw Jameston’s jaw tighten fractionally. “Yes, sir,” he responded. “Now, I can give you a complete tour of the house now. However, Mr. Spencer’s real estate agent can do that when she arrives here in-” he glanced at his watch - a fake, Dustin had noticed - “a couple hours or so. Furthermore, there was a, erm, rather sensitive matter that Mr. Spencer tasked me with familiarizing you with personally.” He adjusted his tie slightly, clearly nervous, before motioning Dustin down one of the smaller hallways to the side.

His curiosity piqued, Dustin followed. “What do you mean? Oh, don’t tell me, was the old man into some shady illegal business? Drugs? Girls?”

Jameston shook his head, Adam's apple bobbing. “No sir. Your uncle, he was an.. art collector, of a sort. Well, he created his own art, really. However, it was not necessarily, um, legally acquired.”

Dustin barely held in a laugh at the lawyer’s clear panic. “Of course it wasn’t,” he scoffed. “Do you know how much shady shit has gone on in this family?” He couldn’t stop the bark of laughter this time. “Of course you do, you’re the lawyer.”

Jameston’s face flushed but he remained quiet until he reached an indiscreet door at the end of a short hall. If Dustin didn’t know any better, he’d assume it was a closet or something. Jameston cleared his throat as he opened the door. “Welcome to the Jewelry Box, sir.”

-

Carnelian sighed, his head falling back against the wall as he stretched his legs out along the small bed. The only sounds in the large room was the occasional movement from one of the others.

“That’s it,” he muttered, standing up and marching over to the glass wall. “Is anyone else wondering where the bastard is?” he called, frowning as he caught the gazes of several of the others.

Emerald just shook his head, silently warning him. Amethyst, however, scoffed, picking at her nails intently. “Why do you care?” she snapped. “It’s not like you’re ever doing anything but yelling and cursing.”

“So?” Carnelian shot back. “Aren’t you at least a little curious as to what’s going on?”

As if to answer his questions, he heard the door hiss open. Turning his gaze towards it, he felt his lips tugging down into a frown.

“Here we go again,” he muttered. “I knew the bastard would be back before long.”

Then he met the gaze of a stranger, arrogant and lazy and startlingly bright blue. Eyebrows flicking up, he blurted, “Who the fuck are you?”

Smirking, the stranger glanced at a smaller man next to him, one Carnelian had glimpsed down here once or twice before, always with the Jeweler. “I think I’d like to ask you the same question.”

The small man cleared his throat and began speaking, quietly enough that Carnelian couldn’t hear. Instead he took in the stranger, as if he couldn’t quite tear his eyes away.

The man was attractive, annoyingly attractive from Carnelian’s perspective. His skin was a bronzed tone, clear and smooth. He was tall, probably taller than Carnelian, with a lean, slightly muscled body. He had on a dark t-shirt that clung to his body and somehow looked expensive, with form-fitting jeans and some Converse high tops on as well. His dark brown hair was slightly wavy, with the top grown out long and falling into his face. Carnelian’s eyes drifted down towards his mouth before he forcefully pulled them back up to his eyes, which were-

Still on him. Carnelian felt himself blush and then scowl as he met the man’s gaze. Already he was getting on his nerves. And where the hell was the Jeweler? Was this stranger some new client of his, looking to buy one of them? At that thought, Carnelian felt a flash of panic through him and glanced over at Emerald, who was looking subtly at him as well, clearly thinking the same thing.

Carnelian tuned back in when the stranger exclaimed, “Are you shitting me right now?” The stranger was now looking at each of them, studying them more intently.

His gaze almost completely skimmed over Diamond and Ruby, both of them still curled up in their beds, watching with wary and confused gazes. He barely even noticed Amber, the new one still drugged to high heaven after mouthing off to the Jeweler yesterday. Carnelian doubted the kid could even remember their own name right now, much less stand up from where they were sprawled in their bed. He took a bit longer looking at Emerald, his defensive stance, wise eyes, then Amethyst, with her crossed arms and haughty expression, before finally settling on Carnelian.

After several long, tense seconds, he looked back at the other man. “So you’re saying,” he drawled slowly, deliberately. “That this, all of this, the house, the business, the.. Jewels-” his mouth twisted into a cruel smirk- “they’re all mine?”

Swallowing, the other man nodded. “Yes sir, that’s what I’m saying.” He drew out a piece of paper and, clearing his throat, began to read. “‘I hereby give the entirety of my properties, including my family home, my businesses, and my Jewelry Box, to my closest remaining blood relative upon my death.’ That would be you, Dustin Moore.”

There was a gasp from one of the other cells, where Diamond had stood up, flying to the window, eyes wide and frantic. “Death? Wait, no, Sir, he- he can’t be-” They dissolved into sobs, sliding to their knees on the floor.

Carnelian glanced around at the rest of the Jewels, the only sound coming from Diamond. The rest of them had frozen as well, not sure how they were meant to respond. Carnelian was reeling, glancing down as he took a shaky breath. On the one hand, he was glad the bastard was dead. On the other, well, the Jeweler had never looked at him the way the stranger, Dustin the other man had said, looked at him. The Jeweler looked at him like some prized object, something to be shown off proudly and then put back into storage. The Jeweler treated him less than human; Dustin’s gaze said he knew precisely how human Carnelian was, he just didn’t care.

Before he knew it, Carnelian was raising his head to glare at the other man, only to find him still looking at him. As Dustin slowly moved forward, he asked, “Did my uncle give these.. Jewels any names? Because I think I’m seeing a theme in them.” He stopped a couple feet away from the glass, his head tilted slightly. “The only one I can’t seem to figure out is this one.”

Carnelian’s lip curled. “Stay the fuck away from me,” he snarled softly, looking him up and down before raising his brows slightly. “Bastard jr,” he added.

Dustin almost seemed caught off guard before letting out a laugh. “I thought you said that he trained them to be all submissive and whatever,” he called over to the other. “Jameston, this one seems to be a bit feral.” He stepped even closer, lifting one hand to touch the glass. Carnelian fell back a couple inches, eyes still narrowed.

Jameston cleared his throat yet again. Carnelian would almost feel bad for the guy, if it wasn’t for the fact that he was complicit in letting him stay kidnapped. “Yes sir, your uncle had his ways of training them. However, he didn’t train them all the same way. He found that one’s fight to be..” He skimmed his notes quickly. “..rather appealing, sir.”

Carnelian made a noise of disgust as Dustin grinned. “I can’t say I blame him.”

Carnelian barely breathed until Dustin stepped away, turning back to Jameston. “Well, I’ve seen them all. Let’s go back upstairs now. I think I saw a nice liquor cabinet that I’d like to raid.”

Once they were both gone from view and the door had hissed shut, Carnelian leaned his head against the cool glass.

“You okay?” Emerald asked.

Carnelian just shook his head, a sudden lump in his throat. “The way he looked at me,” he said softly.

“I know,” Emerald murmured back.

He glanced up to find the older man looking at him with concern and pity.

“Well then,” Amethyst said loudly, breaking the silence that had fallen thick and heavy. “That was certainly something.”

Diamond sobbed loudly. “That.. that can’t be true. Can it?” They looked up, searching the others’ faces. Carnelian felt a twinge of pity for them. After over a decade of being trapped down here, they had been reduced to a mere shadow of whoever they might have once been. At whatever they might’ve seen on their faces, Diamond dissolved back into inconsolable sobs.

Resting her head on the wall, Ruby quietly asked, “So what happens now?”

There was a beat of silence before Emerald replied, “Now we wait.”

-

Back upstairs, Dustin was finally alone after getting rid of that annoying lawyer. He had had to practically shove the man out of the house to get him to leave. Even then, he had only left with promises to call later about the details.

For now, Dustin was sprawled out in a large, overstuffed armchair, a bottle of expensive whisky and a half empty glass next to him. He was already on his second glass, and he had no plans on stopping any time soon.

His mind drifted to the one who had glared and cursed at him. The smaller one, with the hard gaze, numerous freckles, and bright curly hair. The one Jameston had said was named Carnelian. Dustin looked up the stone and smiled at the pictures that were pulled up. Bright, fiery stones, of varying shades, Dustin had to admit, he could see the resemblance.

Pouring himself another glass, he sunk down further into the chair. He supposed he should be more concerned with the fact that there were six human beings locked in some creepy basement that he had apparently just inherited. But, after living the life that he had lived so far, Dustin had to admit that this was far from the craziest thing he had seen. He knew plenty of friends whose families had, well, less than legal people working for them, and now that he thought about it, he swore he could remember some show a few of his friends had gone to where the host had all his pets or whatever they were called designed as gemstones.

He laughed softly, quietly murmuring, “Carnelian, huh?” before draining the glass and pouring one more.

-

It was hours later when Carnelian awoke in the darkness. The bright lights, luckily, were still on their automated timer, so they had shut out at their usual time. It had been hours since Diamond’s sobs had slowly petered out and since the others’ quiet, stilted conversations had dwindled. Now, everyone was asleep.

Well, everyone except Carnelian. It took him a moment to figure out what had awoken him, a soft tapping on the glass wall of his cell. With a soft groan, he rolled over, out of the bed, squinting in the dim light.

In front of him stood the silhouette of a man. A couple seconds later, Carnelian recognized him as Dustin, his new.. owner. He almost snorted at the title. This man wasn’t any older than Carnelian, and he looked and behaved like an entitled, overprivileged frat boy.

Carnelian slowly walked closer. “What the hell do you want?” he whispered, because he didn’t want to accidentally wake the others and unleash the chaos that would bring with it. It took him a moment to realize that Dustin was fiddling with the lock on the door.

Without answering him, Dustin finally figured out how to unlatch it and swung the door open. He looked back up at Carnelian and made a silent motion for him to follow as he padded back towards the door.

Frowning, Carnelian carefully stepped out, towards him and the hallway beyond, where he could see light spilling out from the door. Knowing it probably wasn’t very smart, Carnelian walked into the hallway, squinting slightly at the suddenly bright lights.

Before he knew what was happening, there was a hand fisting in his hair and pushing him up against the wall. Carnelian looked up, eyes wide, to find Dustin standing much too close to him and several inches taller than him.

Feeling his breath stutter and his heart skip a beat, Carnelian breathed out, “What the hell do you want?” He barely dared take his eyes away from Dustin’s.

With the hand not pinning him to the wall, Dustin leaned closer and wrapped a curl around his finger, pulling until Carnelian wince slightly before letting it go, watching it bounce. This close, Carnelian could smell the whisky on his breath.

“Are.. are you drunk?” he asked, swallowing hard when that steely blue gaze met his, hazy yet surprisingly clear.

“That’s irrelevant,” he said, smirking as he pushed closer to Carnelian, who tried to pull away, but one vicious yank on his hair had his eyes watering and stilled the rest of his body. Dustin raised a hand and slowly traced over Carnelian’s cheeks, ending with one finger following the outline of his lips. “You’re Carnelian.”

Carnelian barely resisted the urge to squeeze his eyes shut and instead held his breath, eyes wide and searching Dustin’s. He didn’t dare to breathe, much less speak, so he didn’t ask why Dustin had said something he already knew the answer to.

It felt as if an eternity had passed before Dustin pulled away, shoving Carnelian roughly back towards the door. “I’ll see you in the morning,” he said glibly, pulling the door shut once Carnelian was through, leaving him back in the darkness.

Immediately, Carnelian went back to the one place he never thought he’d call safe. Once he had pulled the glass door closed, hearing the lock click, he curled up in his bed, as far away from the door as he could get, the thin blanket pulled over him as his heart beat in his throat.

He didn’t sleep a wink for the rest of the night.

[thesomberfest]

Star Wars: Timestamps and Thoughts; The Empire Strikes Back

Salutations to all. Welcome back to my blog thing? Anyways today is the one and only The Empire Strikes Back which I think may be the most iconic Star Wars movie. But, don’t quote me on that. I’m only saying that as someone who has heard about Star Wars movies from the outside and honestly out of all the movies The Empire Strikes Back is the one movie I’ve always heard about; name-wise. I don’t think I know any spoilers about this movie, so we’ll see. I’m new to this and I don’t know what I’m doing so please have mercy and help a sister out, thanks. I have some idea based on what the movie is about based on the name but I’ll just take what Disney Plus tells me. I honestly have nothing to say. Should I start writing predictions before writing the timestamps and writing my reaction if I’m right or wrong based on the last movie I watched. Does that make sense? I can’t think of any other way to word it differently but if it makes sense then okay, let’s continue. This isn’t a prediction but um is this the movie where Luke finds about his parentage? Or is it a bit too early? Am I too early? Oh well. While adding timestamps I thought it would be a cool idea to add a “Favorite Scene” section under my “Final Thoughts” sections, I hope y’all like it.

03/9 Edit: Y’all sorry this is late but tomorrow is my birthday and I decided to not do my schoolwork and instead watch Star Wars and write. Before y’all get any ideas: yes. I am in fact still a minor. thanks. 04/3 edit: I AM SORRY THIS IS LATE I HAVE NO EXCUSE

Movie: Star Wars: Episode V - The Empire Strikes Back

Release Date: 1980

Summary(?): So obviously the Empire is going to strike back right? And Luke has to find Yoda to learn the ways of the Force? No? Oh and a final show down with Vader? Am I wrong again?

Warning: spoilers (yea no duh bibi) and mild language on my part

Timestamps

00:00:06- 20th Century Fox is here, hello.

00:00:22- the words on the screen have made an appearance

00:01:41- the iconic words have left, bye-bye

00:04:28- Han Solo

00:04:43- It’s Chewie

00:05:04- Ya’ll it’s my queen Leia. She’s looking badder than ever

00:05:22- so the guy we first saw was in fact Luke, whoops.

00:05:40- Han is leaving? What about Leia? Am I missing something?

00:06:00- Okay so I’m convinced that something happened between Han and Leia, right? She looks pissed, he also looks pissed. Uhhh...

00:06:03- Oh shoot, she called out his name and went after him.

00:06:27- the way Leia feels about him? Sexual tension?

00:06:34- does Han want Leia to admit she has feelings for him? Does she have feelings for him?

00:06:42- “Afraid I was gonna leave without giving you a good-bye kiss?”- woah there Han

00:06:47- yeah, something did happen. I’m calling it

00:06:53- YES 3PO and R2

00:07:12- Oh shoot, Han doesn’t want to talk to Leia no more

00:07:19- ain’t nobody know where Luke is

00:08:06- aw Han said Luke is his friend. Character development

00:08:36- um is that Luke being hanged upside down?

00:08:47- uh oh, it’s the abominable snowman, let’s uh call him Yeti for short

00:09:00- Lukie-boy that might be a bad idea 

00:09:34- he’s using the Force to get the lightsaber, nice

00:09:40- oh no, the Yeti noticed

00:09:48- he got the Lightsaber yayy

00:09:50- did he just cut off Yeti’s arm???

00:10:00- run forest run

00:10:40- aw R2 :( I want to give them a hug

00:11:58- Leia looks really nervous. Uh-oh

00:12:53- I’m sorry but Chewie wailing/crying a few minutes earlier makes me sad.

00:13:42- omg Yoda? Han found Luke I repeat he found Luke

00:15:16- I wondered where they filmed or if this was effects or something.

00:16:01- are they going to be found? oh I hope so

00:16:13- yay! Found at last!

00:16:35- i’m sorry. is that a man baby???

00:16:48- oh wait was that man baby Luke? Oh god i kinda feel bad now

00:17:02- aww Luke and Han. Their friendship gives me life (junior)

00:17:05- my queen!!!!

00:17:15- ok but seriously what happened between Han and Leia? I know something happened.

00:17:25- I know Han did not just call my boy Chewie a FUZZBALL, please

00:17:31- alone? South passage? was that when Han claimed he was leaving? Her TRUE FEELINGS

00:17:50- why does Luke look sad? Is it... is it because HE HAS FEELINGS FOR HER???

00:17:58- (lets out a female lead in horror movie scream) OH MY GOD. I KNEW A KISS WAS TO HAPPEN BUT SO SOON? AND ON THE MOUTH WITH A PEANUT GALLERY LEIA HAS SOME BALLS. SO IT WAS NOT A PECK LIKE I’D ASSUMED HUH OMG tho I feel bad for Luke ‘cause (i think) she only did it to spite Han also if my math is correct IT WAS FOUR SECONDS LONG. But like is this the only kiss between the two or is there more cause ummm...... AREN’T THEY RELATED? SIBLINGS? TWINS I THINK? *Sweet Home Alabama now playing*

00:18:13- why why does he look so smug? also Han about to kill Luke a man

00:19:14- idk what’s happening

00:19:18- pew pew

00:19:44- THE IMPERIAL MARCH omgg yess... I live for the movies music

00:20:32- oh no, the music ended

00:20:38- wait nvm it’s continuing we stand

00:20:40- breathing problems much?

00:20:52- It’s Darth Vader

00:21:47- wait, didn’t he (Luke) almost die? shouldn’t he like oh I don’t know RESTING?!

00:22:47- have i mentioned that I live for the Imperial March? ‘cause I love it

00:23:39- OH

00:23:51- he really dying in the background huh

00:23:57- so he’s like dead, right?

00:24:02- what’s happening? Are they gonna go against Vader?

00:24:12- what the hell is a stardestroyer?

00:24:44- i’ve been told the dark side has cookies so uh peace out. If you would like to reach me please send me a letter via mail. thanks.

00:25:39- once again shouldn’t Luke be resting???

00:25:53- aww I want those binoculars. Is that what they’re called? Idk but I want one

00:26:05- what the hell are Imperial Walkers?

00:26:27- oh. are those Imperial Walkers? Those robot-looking dogs? omg I thought they were talking about Stormtroopers.

00:26:30- laser beam robot doggies did not hesitate

00:26:40- aw look at Luke being leadership material

00:27:09- wow these walkers are slow huh as to be expected

00:27:50- OH NO DAK bruhh nooo

00:28:09- are those robot dogs really gonna win?

00:28:21- LANDING? You mean Vader isn’t even fighting down there? Is he going to join? Or just find Luke and kidnap him and spill the beans? Or is that just my active imagination running too far?

00:28:39- the music...*beautiful*

00:28:58- tying the feet and tripping the doggies seems to be the moves huh

00:29:15- ooh and face first into the snow. how embarrassing...

00:29:20- I just know someone is losing their job or life like that one dude from before

00:30:18- i like the explosions

00:30:52- while one of the those little planes fall i’m sitting here thinking: most book/movie/tv shows that have the whole two sides thing (good vs bad) there always seems to be a traitor which makes me wonder if the good guys have a traitor? possible plot? idk, we’ll see won’t we?

00:31:18- the way these little doggies walk keep reminding me of some eerie Tim Burton movie and idk whyyy

00:33:04- two robot doggies down one more to go

00:33:25- man I just know someone from the Dark Force is gonna be dead fired

00:34:08- are those stormtroopers? They run funny

00:34:12- Darth Vader!

00:34:45- wait i’m dumb. did Vader invade the building/camp they were hiding at?

00:35:18- what does Vader want exactly? Princess Leia? Luke? the so-called “rebel plans”? What am I missing?

00:35:42- they really said: “peace out”

00:36:30- not regrouping? and what the hell is the Dagobah system?

00:37:30- did two ships just crash?

00:39:10- the music really makes this asteroid field detour awesome

00:40:25- did they--did they just go in a asteroid? Orr..?

00:41:18- and just what the hell is Luke thinking? he putting my baby R2 in distress?

00:42:04- where in the HELL are they?

00:42:21- did my baby R2 just fall in the water? Can he even swim? Is it safe? Is he going to die? Idc how cute Luke is, I will hurt him if 2D dies!

00:42:33- what. how is R2 okay? I thought--

00:42:53- Is that R2 whistling?

00:42:57- oh god, is that Nessie? oh no--

00:43:10- OH MY GOODNESS DID NESSIE JUST EAT MY BABY R2 WHAT THE FUC--

00:43:41- R2 MY BABY WHAT HAVE THEY DONE TO YOU

00:44:01- YEA LUKE it was a bad idea going there! You put my sweet summer child R2 in danger! He almost got eaten as dinner!

00:44:18- ughhh the music is just AMAZINGGGG

00:44:38- whose brain is that? Is that what’s left of Mr. Anakin Skywalker? ooh now that I think about: what does Darth Vader look behind the helmet? I feel dumb for never thinking about that

00:45:34- hey you leave my man 3PO alone Solo

00:45:46- oh did Leia just fall into Han’s arms? ooh

00:45:56- “Captain, being held by you isn’t quite enough to get me excited” Leia woke up and choose violence 

00:46:56- oh OH Luke is looking for Yoda?

00:47:22- omg it’s YODA

00:47:48- man idk but lighting does wonders for Lukie-babe

00:48:26- is Yoda mocking Luke? ‘Cause I’m here for it

00:48:57- why is Luke lowkey being a pushover?

00:49:09- I KNOW Yoda isn’t hitting my baby R2 with a STICK the disrespect I-

00:49:56- at this point Yoda is just pulling on their legs for kicks and giggles huh

00:51:02- oh? alone? Leia and Han? my oh my

00:51:30- oh so now they hand-holding?

00:51:50- OMG when did they get so close to one another? I’m nervous

00:52:00- KISSING KISSING KISSING I REPEAT LEIA AND HAN ARE KISSING OH MY

00:52:04- ofc it’s 3PO to be the one to interrupt the kiss

00:52:14- oop-- Leia just left the crime scene. She’s going to pretend it never happened isn’t she?

00:53:04- wait. Vader isn’t emperor? Someone else is omg. I’m so dumb eye-

00:53:07- ew his side profile is not so good

00:53:10- the front is even uglier 

00:53:23- “young rebel”? my bby boy Luke?

00:53:25- “offspring of Anakin Skywalker”? wait a damn minute. Isn’t Vader oh idk ANAKIN SKYWALKER? Does that “emperor” guy not know? Or have I been lied to? WHAT AM I MISSING?

00:53:57- does this mean Anakin is considered to be a different person from Vader? I’m confused, someone explain please!

00:54:00- “could be turned���? say like Kylo? *dun dun dun* orr am I thinking too far?

00:54:16- “master”? you mean to tell me that Vader isn’t even the one pulling the strings? how embarrassing...

00:54:34- WHY WOULD YOU LEAVE R2 IN THE COLD RAIN?!

00:56:07- Luke my beauty dumbass just realized that Yoda was with the whole time

00:59:19- What is it?

00:59:29- Mynocks

00:59:35- oh hell no. I’m out

01:01:39- satan works hard but man does Luke work harder

01:01:57- “skinny boys are still the best oh i love when they slam and sweat.”-- Jack Off Jill, Lollirot (jolly good song) this one sentence describes it all :)

01:04:19- idk what’s happening but man does he look good. How long until y’all get tired of me simping over Luke?

01:04:40- wait WAIT THE FINAL SHOWDOWN IS IN THE FOREST? I THOUGHT-- I WAS TOLD--HOLD UP

01:05:01- but like, why it feel fake? Is this a dream? 

01:05:09- OH--[luke just decapitated Vader I-]

01:05:20- wait. it couldn’t have been that easy. This feels wrong-

01:05:29- omg. it’s luke! Wait what does this mean?

01:05:50- when i enter a room I would like the Imperial March to play, thanks.

01:06:26- uh, is that Boba Fett? If not I’m so sorry I’m new.

01:06:52- y’all I have a cofession to make: I have a fear of driving and my mother is forcing me to. How does this relate to the movie? Well, Han is steering the ship(?) so...

01:09:16- titanic part two?

01:10:31- my poor baby luke

01:11:37- luke please don’t give up :(

01:12:32- my man yoda showing up luke huh

01:13:35- uh oh. just like the first guy, he dead too. they’re just dropping like flies huh

01:16:05- and another kiss. a small peck, luke.

01:16:34- so is that Boba Fett or not? someone tell me please.

01:16:38- someone please run my baby R2 a bath

01:16:44-y’all the only time I can do a handstand is when I’m underwater (fun fact: i don’t like the pool)

01:16:51-[R2 is being levitated rn] if he falls and BREAKS into tiny pieces i’m quitting star wars

01:17:28- R2 good, he good “... I saw a city in the clouds.” you mean heaven?

01:17:37- “friends you have there” THEY’RE ALL GOING TO DIE WAIT--

01:19:50- they’ve [leia, han, chewie, 3PO] landed they’re safe, for now (i think)

01:20:25- [chewie replying “gahh!” to han] tell me why I laughed. I actually laughed like Chewie made a joke oh my...

01:20:34- uh oh [some dude just called han a slime(y)]

01:20:49- [they’re hugging now?] oh, wait. so they good now? or is this a joke?

01:22:01- i like the interior design of the building

01:22:49- [3PO gets blown up I think] what the hell just happened? 

01:25:13- he’s not coming back is he? [luke left to save han and leia]

01:26:13- finally. someone save 3PO or what’s left of him also I like leia’s new hairstyle it’s pretty

01:26:44- was 3PO decapitated? dismembered?!

01:26:55- good for chewie to fight for the parts of 3PO hopefully it’s all of his parts

01:27:35- my man 3PO in a box freaking dismembered and Lando out here flirting? 

01:28:30- what the hell? [its vader sitting at the head of the table] wait did Lando say a deal? as in turning in the princess? I--this is all happening so fast

01:28:41- [han and co. are now surrounded by boba fett and troopers] i bet they wished they’d stayed back in their rooms huh

01:30:31- oh so i’m assuming it was a stormtrooper who shot 3PO. what are they doing to han? omg is han being cooked alive?

01:31:33- wait I thought boba fett was a good guy? what the fvck.

01:32:05- what happened to han? mans looks traumatized 

01:32:34- oh leia...

01:34:14- i had also assumed all these years that vader was top boss and now i’m being told about some emperor guy? what 

01:35:18- i don’t understand why does boba fett want with han so bad? it can’t just be money, can it?

01:35:54- oh and another kiss and with an even bigger peanut gallery

01:38:22- what’s gonna happen to han now?

01:40:30- wait, is this where the showdown happens?

01:41:06- why is vader (his breathing) so loud?

01:41:10- OMG red vs. blue lightsaber

01:41:19- so this is it

01:42:01- oh, is lando helping them? does he feel guilty?

01:42:17- [chewie is currently choking the life out of lando] fuck yeah chewie

01:43:14- oh thank god R2 & 3PO have reunited once more

01:43:34- is it too late to save han now?

01:44:01- [back to the showdown, luke just lost his lightsaber] uh--this is why you never get too cocky too early, luke

01:44:27- [luke just flew?!] did he just fly like superman? what

01:44:31- who’s the emperor? I had assumed it was vader but i’m being told it isn’t?????

01:44:56- this showdown is a beautiful fight and those lightsabers are freaking cool 

01:46:15- it’s a beautiful dance and the Imperial March is giving me chills

01:46:32- [vader is throwing random objects at luke] aw that’s cheating. and nobody likes a cheater.

01:46:42- luke just flew out the window oh wait he good, now i think

01:47:12- hold up I just realized that they (han, chewie, leia) put 3PO in a fishnet bag (?) chewie really running around with 3PO like a backpack

01:47:49- [the citizens (?) are running] i’m getting titanic vibes and idk if i like it 

01:49:17- i hate to say it but these stormtroopers have really bad aim.

01:50:26- [vader just cut off luke’s hand] *shock* I-omg. He just did that. But, at the same time, I now understand the ERB Harry Potter v. Luke Skywalker so much more, make sense.

01:51:08- “father”? oh my...

01:51:17- “i am your father” oh my god. people this is not a drill, it happened, it happening uhh---

01:51:28- i feel so bad for luke. he looks like he’s about cry.

01:51:41- probs a bad time but luke’s kinda an ugly crier

01:52:14- [luke just fell & left vader standing] luke really said “i’d rather die”

01:54:04- wait, how does leia know where luke is? this some kind of force thing? maybe twin thing?

01:54:37- oh thank god they found luke

01:58:01- does vader care for luke? I mean probably not a lot since he DID chop off his sons own hand so idk

02:01:58- credits/the end

Final Thoughts? Wow. No yeah, I totally understand why Empire Strikes Back is a loved by all. It was amazing. I understand why it’s so talked about. This movie is beautiful; Leia/Han romance, 3PO and R2 banter, the good action. The soundtrack-THE SOUNDTRACK is SPECTACULAR and I would often fins myself rewinding scenes just to listen to the music. The visuals were so striking and appealing and it really showed during the showdown between luke and vader. 

Favorite Scene? Luke meeting Yoda and not knowing that Yoda was Yoda and every scene that included the Imperial March in the background.

If you have made it this far, thank you. I hope none of you people get tired of me fangirling over the Imperial March whilst simultaneously simping over Luke. Thank you for joining me on my adventure of watching Star Wars for the first time. If there’s any grammar mistakes I apologize. Also I got a cute R2 lego keychain from the lego store. Also if you want leave some comments I’m lowkey lonely. Thank you once again for joining me.

x bibi

[starkerkeyz]

i need a serious crack of the vibrator charging thing for real, i’m gonna die

YOU AND ME BOTH NONNIE but I see you and your arousal pleases me so we in it-

Warnings; D/s, throat fucking, oversensitivity, crying, cockwarming, vibrators, choking, and uh sub drop at the end? Oh and Thor technically listens in on Tony edging Peter to death but he doesn’t know SO UH whatever that is.

Enjoy!

Edited to add A MOODBOARD! 🤩🤩🤩

“I see you’re getting comfortable, kid.” Mr. Stark’s words don’t immediately register as abnormal or dangerous until Peter turns and sees the leer directed at his PS4 and-

Oh. 

Oh.

“Oh, my god, Mr. Stark, uh, you weren’t, uhm- you weren’t supposed to see that?” Peter’s cheeks are flaming so hot it kinda hurts or maybe that’s just the humiliation of having his toy found by his…his…of Mr. Stark seeing his hot pink vibrator out and charging at his PS4 dock. 

He hurries over to unplug and hide the evidence and is stopped by a hand on his wrist. Peter looks up and partially over his shoulder, not turning his body but paying attention. 

“It’s okay, sweetheart. I want you to feel comfortable.” Mr. Stark caresses the thin skin over the wrist he’s still got. He moves behind Peter and gently, slowly, trailing his fingers up from wrist to elbow to shoulder and down, his hands migrating to Peter’s hips and holding on confidently. Peter melts when he feels the first kiss at his neck and Mr. Stark’s heat along his spine.

“I want to use that on you, right now, too. Is it charged enough for a little fun, Babyboy?” Tony says the words wetly, following it up with a gentle breath along the spot he’d been sucking and tonguing between kisses. 

Tony rubs at Peter’s hips while he waits; hands sliding forward and back, forward and back, forward and just barely into the hem of Peter’s pants, then back far enough to thumb the dimples above his ass, and forward again- just a little deeper into his pants and then- back again, back toying with the hem above his ass now, and Peter’s started rolling into it so he’s thrusting into empty air at Tony’s tempo. 

“It’s, uh…it should be…” Peter isn’t paying attention to the conversation anymore. His entire world is narrowed down to where Mr. Stark is touching him. The older man hasn’t gotten more than a fingertip beneath the hemline and Peter already feels like he’s going to cream himself from anticipation. Everytime those rough hands drag backwards his body follows eagerly and Mr. Stark isn’t shy about letting Peter feel just how affected he is by what he’s doing. 

Somehow Peter’s been led into a rhythm where he grinds himself against Mr. Stark’s erection and then fucks forward in little rabbit bursts. His cock is leaking in his jeans. 

“Think you’re too sensitive to play for long? You’re being so good for me you deserve a reward but Daddy doesn’t want to expect more than you can give, sweetheart. Give me an answer and a color.” Mr. Stark’s asking a question but Peter’s distracted by the haze of pleasure and his hyperfocus on following his Daddy’s touch by feel alone. The idea that he’s being good and that his Daddy wants to play with him long enough sensitivity might come into question penetrates through the fog of lust enveloping him. Peter blinks his eyes and tries to concentrate as hard as he can on something other than Mr. Stark’s cock. 

“Green. I can do it, Daddy. Please let me show you I can do it.” There. He can use his words. Bucky would be so proud if he were here.

“Go grab the toy then, gorgeous.” Tony slaps Peter’s ass from out of nowhere and grins when he gets a gasp in response. Peter’s already keyed up to eleven and they haven’t even got his dick out. “Then turn on your set up and grab your headphones and lube; I know you and Thor were going to play Fortnite in about an hour but I can guarantee you he’s on now and would play with you if you asked.”

Peter does as he’s been told and tries his best not to rub at his erection or relieve the pressure. He’s got a pretty good idea of what his Daddy might have in mind and if he keeps thinking about it he’s going to explode way too early and ruin the night. 

“Perfect, baby. How do you normally game with Thor?” Tony watches Peter put his headphones around his neck and pull out his phone to show him his Discord account. He nods; he’s never used the app himself but a quick glance shows it’s not much different from all the other messaging apps out there. Perfect for the game they’re about to play.

“Get on the couch, put your headphones on, undress from the waist down, and log in for me, baby.” Tony orders. He grinned to himself when Peter hops to it; the boy is eager to please at the best of times and it’s only magnified by the hero worship now being combined with cock worship. Not that Tony is complaining when he gets to enjoy such a responsive and obedient sub.

Peter feels hot and prickly all over but especially wherever those dark eyes trail across his bare skin. He curls his toes into the soft carpet of his apartment’s living room floor and shifts, feeling the material of his couch under his bare ass and thighs. He bites his lip when his knees are pulled apart and his hips slip forward until he had to balance his feet on the coffee table to keep from sliding right off and onto the floor. 

“Beautiful.” Tony is looking at him; at his bared cock, at his flexing thighs, at the T-shirt with the dumb Fortnite meme Thor had bought for him when he declared them ‘brothers in arms both real and virtual’. Peter’s arousal only amps up from the smothered urge to cover himself under that intense gaze. 

The stare off is broken by Peter startling upright a little and letting out a small yelp when his headphones start ringing in his ear with a Discord call. He looks up at Tony with a deer in the headlights look. The answering shark-grin he gets back makes him feel distinctly like prey. 

“Go ahead. Answer it.” Tony lifts and lowers one leg so he’s standing with Peter’s left thigh between his own, the TV at his back and Peter in front. He grabs the lube Peter had gotten as instructed and leisurely begins unbuttoning and rolling up the cuffs to his dress shirt without breaking eye contact. “But I’m not going to stop.”

“H-hi! Hey, yeah, hi, uhh, Thor! Hi.” Peter babbles complete nonsense as his brain goes offline. The crinkle of amusement at the corner of his Daddy’s eyes only makes him feel dumber and hotter and his tongue is heavy and thick in his mouth. “I’m, um, showing Tony a few rounds of Fortnite, if, uhhh…”

Tony’s taken his cock out and Peter’s mouth is now wet and empty and what was he saying-?

“No, no, he won’t be playing. Not really, uhh, not really…his thing.” Peter’s eyes aren’t even on the screen as he starts the game. His character would have walked right into a wall if his teammates hadn’t collected it for material. There’s so many other players nobody notices -or they assume he’s new or a troll- that all he’s doing is collecting in the same small area he fell into at the start of the map. Peter’s only tangentially aware of the goings on of the game. 

Tony’s finished rolling up his sleeves and eye-fucking Peter in his place and moved on to stroking lube onto Peter’s pink vibrator from base to tip. The promise in the motion, in knowing he’s getting fucked with that very soon, makes Peter suck in a quick breath that pairs with his dick jumping on his abs. 

“Oh! I’m, just, uh, was being, was under fire, you know? It’s fine!” Peter’s voice cracks when he says the word ‘fine’ and he blushes down to his throat and collarbones. In the next second his character is taken out by the enemy and he’s left spectating his teammates carrying on without him. “Oops?”

Tony looks over his shoulder at the screen, taking a moment to read the layout and figure out what the problem is. When he does he turns back to Peter with a raised eyebrow and a tilt of his head in question. Peter blushes under the presumption implied in that look and ignores how his balls throb from his Daddy’s attention in any form. 

“I’m normally better, sorry Thor. Just a little distracted tonight.” Peter hastily explains -to Thor- and then stops paying attention to his friend’s reassurances when Tony lowers his hand down to dick height and crooks his finger at Peter in the classic come hither motion. He sits up eagerly, licking his lips when his Daddy’s cock is pressed against them, the mic lifted just enough to give his dick room. Fingers wind into the curls at the back of Peter’s head and he’s so ready for this. 

“Keep talking.” Tony orders, low enough not to carry, and then doesn’t slide his cock in any further. Just rests the head against Peter’s lips so he has to keep feeling and tasting while he talks. It’s frustrating and humiliating and all Peter can think about is how deep he can take him and how fast he can make him cum. 

“Tony is checking out my new apartment. Yeah. Bucky convinced me that May would be fine. He’s out with Steve and Sam. Oh, yeah. I’ll ask him to join next time.” Peter’s glittering eyes skate up to his Daddy’s and he lays a wet kiss on the crown. Tony gives him a knowing grin, smearing pre-cum across Peter’s chin deliberately and then pushing him back into a recline.

“Leave it.” Tony strokes himself as he orders it. Peter keeps both hands on the controller and squirms his legs further apart, hard and dripping. The next round starts and Peter plays it without any physical interruption from Tony. He can still feel the sticky streak on his chin every time he sees his Daddy thumbing the tip of himself. It’s distracting but this time he manages to get a weapon and survive half his teammates before being taken out. 

He’s expecting it when Tony crooks his finger for him, already halfway sitting up and mic positioned upwards. His back arches into the grip at his hair and his eyes go half lidded. He forgets himself and lets out a soft kitten sigh loud enough for the mic to pick up.

“I’m, um, dust? There’s dust. In the air? Allergies? Clearing my throat because of dust allergies!” Peter trips over his words. Then Tony pushes forward and fills his mouth with his cock and Peter has to listen, in stereo, to Thor assuring him that he ‘needn’t play if he’s feeling so unwell, little spider’ while his mouth is too full to counter-argue. The satisfaction of finally getting what he wanted mixes with the titillating realization that he’s sucking cock with Thor listening in and it’s a good thing his Daddy is already gagging him or he might have let out the needy moan growing in his chest.

Then Tony pulls him off and he’s leaning back against the couch cushions and the game’s started again and-

He’s dead already.

His Daddy ‘tsk’s at him and doesn’t even lower his hand to signal Peter closer. Peter feels his chest go cold and squeeze from disappointment but he gets the game now. He’s being rewarded for how long he survives. The longer he lives each round, the better his reward will be. 

So, he’ll need to up his game if he wants to get that dick.

He tries to ignore him when the next round starts and Tony must sense that he’s cottoned on because he’s back up in Peter’s space this time instead of hanging back. He reaches down and wraps a hand around Peter’s dick, giving it a stroke from base to crown and back again to squeeze in a tight circle. 

Peter makes it more than halfway through the round but this time Tony doesn’t stand up and present his cock for him. Now, instead, he’s turned the vibrator on and is trailing it up and down the shaft of Peter’s dick, the lube from earlier gliding the way. 

“Oh, my god, I-I-I-” Peter drops the controller and looks up at the ceiling. It’s too much. It’s so good. He doesn’t want to cum and he probably can’t with how tightly his Daddy is collaring the base of his cock with his fist but the waves of pleasure still feel like they’re building to a crescendo inside of him. It just never ends.

“Pay attention.” The vibrations stop and Peter actually feels a quick prickle of tears. They’re gone before he can even get his hazy gaze back on his Daddy. He licks his lips and nods and wonders if it’s a good or a bad thing that the answering smile he gets makes his neck warm and chest hot. “Good boy.”

This repeats for enough rounds that Peter is both desensitized to the vibrations and can carry on a conversation with only minimal stuttering and gasping and keyed up to the point the skin of his inner thighs won’t stop twitching for minutes after Tony’s turned the toy off. Peter curls his toes and waits for (dreads) the next round to start, bottom lip red and swollen from how badly abused it’s been by his teeth to keep his noises in check. 

It comes as a shock when Tony changes their routine by sliding a finger inside of Peter. It startles him enough that he cries out and the mic definitely picks that up from the immediate heckling and ribbing that starts up. None of them have guessed the real reason for his noises, but some of them have gotten close and Peter’s cock throbs. 

“S-sorry, Thor! It’s, it’s, it’s…a spider!” Peter closes his eyes and wishes his brain didn’t float off into the clouds the second Tony Stark’s dick was involved. He’s so turned on he doesn’t remember anything beyond this bubble they’ve created together. Each time he has to pull his attention onto the screen and control his character comes a little bit slower, takes a little more effort as a little bit more of him stays with Tony. 

Then the toy is slipped inside in place of the fingers that had steadily opened him up and Peter bolts upright, dick jumping in a valiant effort to cum around his Daddy’s grip. He’s shocked speechless from the intensity of the sensations inside of him and can only squirm, rocking his hips from side to side, balls drawn up tight and sweat plastering his shirt to his body. When the round is finally, finally over Peter squeaks out a quick breath of relief and reaches for his phone.

“B-bathroom break, gonna mute!” Peter hit the button on the side to mute before he could hear if Thor had responded. He spread his legs and thrust his hips, lifting a hand to place on his Daddy’s wrist. “Daddy, Daddy, green- but I’m gonna cum if you keep-”

“Oh, the vibrator inside is too much? We’ll give you a break then, Baby.” Peter suddenly isn’t sure if this was the better alternative because his Daddy is slipping the pink toy out of him and standing up with it and walking to put it away without another word.  He gets a parting smirk instead. He had been close to cumming but the promise in that single, wickedly curled smile, had him simultaneously hotter than ever and bearing down on nothing in too eager sensitivity. 

When Tony comes back he’s not holding anything in his hands but he is fisting his cock one handed while the other rests in his pocket. Peter’s mouth waters. Then his eyes widen when, instead of stepping up and using Peter for a blowjob like he’s been teasing about doing all night, he reaches into his pockets and produces a small black rubber cap that had two silver bullets attached to the sides and a remote. 

“Once your break is over I’m going to put this,” The black cap is waved a little to draw attention. “On that pretty little cock of yours. Then, I’m going to sit you on my cock and you’re going to tell Thor you’re back and ready for another round while you warm my cock. The bullets vibrate at different settings but if you need me to hard stop because you’re about to cum or otherwise need to stop without using your safeword, tap my knee twice. Color?” 

“Green, Daddy.” Peter’s voice is breathless and shaky and eager all in two simple words. Tony could listen to him for the rest of the night like that. If only he didn’t have plans to keep breaking his babyboy down bit by bit- next time, maybe. Bucky could join in; Tony has been dying to see the man’s mouth wrapped around Peter’s cock from up close ever since that performance for him on the gala balcony. 

Definitely next time.

“Unplug your headphones from your phone but keep them on. Keep the mic down and lay out on the table for me, sweetheart.” Tony watches Peter move for him. His shirt is stained from the amount his erection has dripped onto it during their extended play. His pale skin is flushed and glistening, overheated and oversensitive. He’s beautiful. 

“I’m going to fuck your throat, sweetheart.” Tony kneels by Peter’s head where it hangs over the coffee table he’s had his feet propped on. Peter’s cock is so hard it’s pointing towards his belly button. Tony’s words only make it twitch and leak worse. “You’re not going to touch yourself and you’re not going to cum. Think you can learn to be Daddy’s good little cocksucker?”

“Yes, Daddy. Please teach me.” Peter’s wanted to learn how to deepthroat ever since he saw Tony do it. They’ve worked at it and talked about technique and expectations (turns out a lot can go wrong if you try just shoving a dick down your throat without prep) but this is the first time they’ll put one of the positions into practice. 

“So good for me, baby.” Tony praises. He grips himself and aims for Peter’s waiting mouth, sliding in past Peter’s usual gag reflex easily from the way this opens his throat up. He pulls back and gives the younger man a moment to breathe, to get used to what just happened, and then he does it again. He doesn’t go slow but he does go steady, smooth dips in and out of Peter’s throat, training him to relax and take it one inch at a time. 

“Just look at you. Fuck, I’ll never get over how well you take it.” Tony pauses, fully buried down to the root. He can see the bulge his dick is making from the outside of Peter’s body. He traces his fingertips up the shivery skin, from collarbone to stretched out lips, enjoying the feeling of himself under his palm when he wraps his hand around Peter’s neck. He squeezes enough to feel the constriction on his cock as he pulls back. 

“Green, sweetheart?” Tony asks casually. His hand is still on Peter’s neck when he nods. He strokes the tender skin lovingly, caressing gently at the red forming where his fingers indented. Then he bears down and fucks his hips forward, burying himself deep inside Peter’s throat and fucking into his own hand at the same time. 

“Such a good slut for Daddy. You’ve learned how to suck cock so fast. I’m so proud of you for being able to take all of me like this.” Tony lays on the praise as heavily as he’s laying into Peter’s mouth. If only he had the stamina and cocaine of his youth; he’d love to cum down his throat and fuck him ten minutes later, too. 

“Break time’s over, baby.” Tony teases as he eases back. Peter’s a wreck; his face is red and his chest is hitching like he’s been crying or running a marathon. His eyes are hazy and far away as he sits up and follows Tony’s directions back onto the couch in a fog. 

Tony kneels and preps the little vibrator cap, kissing Peter’s bare knee and then upwards all the way to his dick. He slips the rubber over the sensitive tip, grinning at the way his babyboy’s cock jumps from the sensation. Tony pushes the remote into Peter’s hands. “Hold this, baby.”

Tony gets up off his knees and onto the couch beside Peter. He fists his cock for a second but doesn’t otherwise undress before patting his lap with a grin and a crinkle at the corners of his eyes. Peter moves over, letting rough hands grip under his thighs and lift him up and over the crown of his Daddy’s cock. He’s still wet and fluttering from the leftover stimulation of his vibrator and it’s all he can do not to squirm down and try and blindly catch it on his rim himself.

Then Peter’s being lowered down his Daddy’s bare dick and it’s so much better, so hot and solid but flexible and rubbing his sensitized walls so good. He tips his head back onto a firm shoulder and bites his knuckle to keep in his moans. He settles in Tony’s lap, the older man’s cock buried to the hilt, his pants scratching at Peter’s bare and sensitized thighs. 

“Turn it on. I wanna know what you think of it.” Tony orders directly into Peter’s ear. Peter’s finger hits the button before he’s finished registering and then he loses the ability to think.

“Oh, fuck yeah, Babyboy. Just look at you.” Tony slid his hand around Peter’s waist, touching lightly to the younger man’s stomach. Even through the shirt he can feel the deep, full body contractions that ripple up Peter’s abdominals with each gentle pulse from the bullets. Peter’s finger is still caught between his teeth but each surge from the toy drags out a broken gasp or stuttered, choked off keen.  It coincides deliciously with the way Peter’s inner muscles are grasping onto Tony’s cock in time with the toy. Tony pets at Peter’s quivering belly for a moment just to enjoy the feeling.

“Now, listen up, Gorgeous. You’re not going to move during this round. Nothing but your fingers on the controller is allowed to move, babyboy. You can keep clenching and pulsing just like that for Daddy but you’re not going to squirm or whimper or beg. They’re listening to you, Baby, so you have to be quiet and you have to be good.” Tony picks up the phone and the remote and flicks the mic down on Peter’s headset. He places the controller back in Peter’s grip. 

“Daddy, I- I can’t, this, this-” Peter’s shaking and he can’t stop it. His entire body is lit up from the inside out and he wants to be good but his Daddy wants so much from him. He’s finally, finally gotten Tony’s cock inside of him but now he can’t move? 

“Color?” Tony turns the bullets’ off. Peter feels the tears he’s been fighting the entire night spill over. He wants to be good and he will. For his Daddy.

“G-green. Green, Daddy.” The remote is flicked back on and Peter sobs harder. He looks up at the TV and can barely see the screen through the tears and the pleasure coursing through him. The pulsing really is spaced out but Peter’s sense of time has spaghettified so much it feels endless. He’s holding perfectly still like his Daddy asked but his thumbs and fingers are flying. He has no idea what’s going on beyond his rim fluttering and grasping onto Tony like his body is determined to milk him dry without Peter’s conscious input. 

Distantly, sounding far away and right in his ear, Peter hears his Daddy talking.

“He’s just very invested in his character, Thor.” Tony says it calmly, with just enough deadpan delivery to make everyone laugh and go back to the game. He thumbs the tears off one of Peter’s cheeks at the same time and nobody in the chat has any clue. They think Peter is some weird germaphobe having a breakdown over dust in his new apartment. They have no idea that Peter is one second away from throwing the controller across the room and begging to be fucked into the ground. 

Peter’s so lost in his own head that he doesn’t understand at first what’s going on when Thor starts congratulating him. Does he know? Did Tony tell him what they’re doing? Peter’s so far under that even Thor telling him ‘Good Game’ in that booming voice of his makes him preen and warm in the chest and stomach and dick. 

But it isn’t Thor praising him for being such a good cockwarmer for Daddy. It’s Thor praising him because somehow…

Somehow they’ve won?

“Good job, guys. It only took you, oh,” Tony checks his watch with the hand not petting Peter’s stomach. Peter can tell he’s grinning even out of his mind with pleasure and on the brink of the best orgasm of his life. “Two hours for you to win a round?”

Peter stops tracking when his shirt is pushed up and his nipples (ignored until now) are pinched. He didn’t think he could feel anymore but he was wrong and it’s so good. Tony twists and pulls and flicks with one hand while the other is on Peter’s stomach, holding him close, keeping him perched in Tony’s lap crying his eyes out. 

Peter follows directions and keeps holding still no matter how hard the tears start coming.

“-think we’re gonna call it a night. End it on a high note, you know?” Tony’s words register and Peter realizes he’s missed a chunk of the conversation entirely. He doesn’t care; he’ll apologize to Thor later. Right now he’s keyed into Tony’s every move -inside and out- and can’t concentrate on anything besides the bliss coursing through his synapses. The headphones are slipped off and Peter’s body tightens up. 

“You did so good for me. You deserve to cum, don’t you, babyboy?” Tony slides his hand down from Peter’s stomach to his cock. He kisses him on the side of his neck and grips him, stroking and praising and kissing his wonderful boy. “Go ahead. Cum for me. Show me how much being good for Daddy gets you off.”

Peter wails when he cums; spurt after spurt rockets out of the openings in the cap, dribbles following after, balls throbbing and squeezing out more than he’s ever managed before. His entire body locks up for a solid few seconds that feel like an eternity. He feels like he’s floating and everything is warm, soft, and good.

“That’s right, sweetheart. You’re good. You’re so good for me.” Daddy’s words don’t really penetrate so much as permeate the fog. He’s wrapped up in it like a blanket. He hopes Daddy came, too. He’s so wet and tingly he can’t tell. 

“I did, baby. I came when you did because you looked so gorgeous I couldn’t help myself. You were perfect. Can I wash you up now, sweetheart? Daddy’s made a mess of your pretty hole.” Tony can tell this session sent Peter off the charts. He’s proud that the kid trusts him so much that he could let go like this. 

Now it’s Tony’s turn to take care of someone in need. He smiles looking down at the blissed out, half lidded gaze looking up at him.

He’s going to enjoy pampering Peter.

.

This was so much fun omg edging is my JAM and stupid ideas being done seriously is my JAM and Peter crying is my JAM and Tony fucking his throat is my JAM and-

[curiosity-killed]

general 1, characters 1, story 3?

wow okay these are hard??

mdzs ask meme

general 1: If you had to join a sect, which would you join?

ugh oh god. i mean, first instinct is Yunmeng Jiang? they seem lively and i do love archery and swimming. i get the (not super canon-supported) feeling that the vibe there is a little reminiscent of how i grew up (i.e., high expectations but also encouraged curiosity and hard work)? 

Definitely not Jin — thru our admittedly biased view of them...I don’t know what aspect would draw me to them lmao; Nie feels a little too hardcore; Wen feels like I’m either choosing between doctors or evil megalomania? so...hard pass; Lan sect is actually a strong second bc i am a perfectionist who makes lots of dumb rules and legitimately loves studying/learning but I feel like it would feed into a lot of less healthy idiosyncrasies and habits lol

characters 1: If you could date any character from MDZS, who would you pick?

this feels dangerous ahljksd um maybe xiao xingchen? (not touching the main cast’s romantic lives with a ten foot pole bc lbr That Way Danger and Tragedy Lie) like he’s tragic and fucked up but maybe could be drawn away from Awful Sacrifices and Misplaced Trust??? unclear this is like russian roulette of romance

edit: I’m an idiot and forgot about Mianmian. Sorry, Xiao Xingchen, you’re beautiful, but Mianmian is too and 3 million times more functional. I would absolute go farm with Mianmian in the hills and maybe we can adopt some (not babies) children and it’d be dope

story 3: You can bring one character back to life, but you must pick someone else to die in their place. Would you do it? How would this affect the story?

uhhh welp let’s go with my standard and bring Yanli back and then fuck things up by having Jiang Cheng die in her place at Nightless City. 

still think wwx would definitely die in this case — he’d be too horrified to live with himself after seeing either of his sibs die, and idk if I believe Yanli would be enough to stop him in that moment. yunmeng jiang would wind up under yanli’s leadership which i think could be interesting because she’s stronger and more ruthless than ppl give her credit for but she’d be reeling from basically the second massacre of her whole family — only this time, the blood’s on her little brother’s hands — and that would def fuck her up a bit. 

so i think the jiang sect would struggle, their head cut off twice in a handful of years, and i think the jin would be better poised to manipulate yanli and the sect, especially in the early years. even if she grows more suspicious/etc. in later years, i think the first 2-3 years especially would be dangerous for the whole sect which could lead to a foundation-deep rot that comes out later on

with yunmeng jiang in their pocket, jgy might be less cutthroat in other matters? like assuming the widow of Jin Zixuan is a pretty sympathetic figure, ppl w/i Jin sect might be more easily led to support him because she supports him/etc. so maybe Qin Su gets out of this a little better off, or maybe Mo Xuanyu is never brought to Carp Tower, or maybe Mingjue doesn’t have to die, or maybe it’s still not enough in the face of his father’s greed and he winds up committing all those sins anyway

jin ling still grows up between lotus pier and lanling, but his mother is quiet and brittle, like she walks a step outside the mortal world, and so he leans more on his xiao-shushu and is more susceptible to his manipulations. 

i think the worst outcome would be that wei wuxian is never brought back and the jin sect simply spreads its power across the sects through alliances, manipulations, and deft shell games until they’ve really created a cultivation empire and can more openly flaunt their use of yin iron/etc.

in that case, there’s the opening for someone to try to summon wei wuxian back to fix it, and i think he’d feel an obligation to help fight back due to his innate sense of justice & his role in the start of all this but that it would wind up being a pretty pyrrhic victory if they did topple the jin. kinda feel like he’d wind up as yanli’s guard dog, just this toothed shadow that haunts lotus pier, always trying to figure out a way to bring back the brother he killed

[echodrops]

The Promises I Made (2019 Edition)

For the past thirteen years, I’ve spent every New Year’s Eve compiling a list of fifty promises I intend to keep or fulfill over the next twelve months. The results have been truly amazing, and I have kept some promises I never thought I could. 2019 was… a nightmare that I can barely believe I survived, but I still kept some promises that I honestly did not expect I ever could.

This year, for New Year’s, there will be a new set of promises for to me keep, but here are the old ones, for review!

The Promises I Made (2019 Edition)

1) Be more proactive about tracking and following up with struggling students to decrease the number of students who drop from my class when they realize they cannot pass. Status: Somewhat broken? I tried really hard to be proactive with my students; however, there were some massive issues outside the classroom this year that made it extremely difficult to keep the focus on the students. When administration drags your attention away from the class, there is not a lot you can do…

2) Find a place to put in volunteer hours because uhhhh like this is actually important to my work evaluation and I definitely need something to write in that section… Yikes, this spring is my last chance to do this!! @_@ Status: Kept. I volunteered with the Utah Shakespeare Festival and it was super fun!

3) Install the fire escape window in the Utah house, no matter how much it might cost, because I can’t get a totally unrelated tenant in that basement without said window… Status: Somewhat kept. Okay. This one is a LONG story, but to be fair to me, I worked my ASS off to try and make this happen; just every single thing in the world prevented me from completing this promise, up to and including the city telling me I needed a permit AFTER I had already dug a massive hole in the ground for the window…

4) Buy sod to add grass to the front portion of the lawn so that it no longer looks like garbage. Status: Broken, but I did buy grass seed and put that out there. Unfortunately only some of it sprouted, but there is indeed SOME grass now growing there…

5) Fix the bricks near the windowsills on the Utah house to prevent long-term damage. Status: Broken. After dealing with the stupid window disaster, I had no time for this at all.

6) Get a watering system for my roses at the Utah house because I think my bro is probably killing them and that’s just not cool. Status: Broken, see above.

7) Work on the patio at the Utah house before it just flat out falls down. Status: Somewhat broken. Again, I tried to make progress on this—I called a patio guy to come out and assess how much it would cost to fix the patio—but the price I was quoted was so high that there was nothing I could do at the time.

8) Paint the stairwell so that there’s no chance of anything like lead paint or asbestos being exposed. Status: Broken. The leftover wallpaper glue continues to confound me…

9) Trim the backyard bushes so the neighbors don’t hate us anymore… Status: Broken. We trimmed a few bushes and at least got to the trees out front, but definitely a majority were left uncared for.

10) Move into a new house in Texas where I can get real internet, please for the love of god… Status: Kept. I moved into a very nice house with no scorpions!

11) Save money for my upcoming trip to Japan! 2020 baby! Status: Uhhh, broken. I’m not sure how I thought I’d be able to move into a new house AND save money for an international trip at the same time…

12) Get my wisdom tooth removed because it’s still there and still killing me, yikessss. Status: Broken. AUGH. I’m an idiot.

13) Make an appointment with an eye doctor for like the first time in years. Good job, Yehn, good job. Status: Kept. I got my glasses fixed and even got a new pair of glasses too!

14) Get my prescriptions refilled because I’m dwindling on asthma medicine and like… I could die from this… I should never have been left to care for myself; I’m not mature enough for this responsibility… Status: Kept, surprisingly. But I still need a new doctor because the last one I was going to wouldn’t give me any refills…

15) FINISH THE GIVEAWAY PRIZES I PROMISED LAST YEAR because holy shit I am incompetent and the worst and everyone has permission to hate me for starting things and never finishing them, fuck. Status: Broken. So broken. I am the worst.

16) Go dolphin watching in the Gulf for real this time. Seriously, it’s $10 Yehn, you can do this. Status: Kept, amazingly. It wasn’t as impressed as hoped; however, there was a lovely sunset.

17) Return to the Channel Islands to take better pictures. D; Status: Broken. T_T

18) Level all my classes to 70 in FFXIV before next expansion, please. Status: Somewhat broken. I didn’t have everything to 70 before the expansion, but I kind of feel like I should get credit for this one, because HEY, look at me now:

19) Organize and properly label all the photos on my computer so that I’m no longer desperately combing through folder and folder in blank confusion, looking for a single picture in a sea of thousands… Status: Kept. It took me like eight hours of work, but I actually did this.

20) Update Home and a Half more than once? PLEASE??? The guilt I feel over this currently is crushing. Status: Broken. And the guilt grows…

21) Complete the online American Literature class I am designing on time and with no corrections needed. Status: Kept. I’m counting this as kept even though TECHNICALLY there was one thing I forgot to finish and it came back and bit me in the ass; however, I was approved with no corrections needed.

22) Earn 100% completion for Kingdom Hearts III. So excited! Status: Broken. Um… This just didn’t happen.

23) Update my calendar with important dates—holidays, birthdays, etc.—and be productive about sending cards and well-wishes. Status: Somewhat kept. I wasn’t any better about sending cards really, but I did at least save all the birthdays in my phone so I remember them.

24) Get the garbage disposal in the Texas house fixed ASAP so I don’t have to wash the dishes by hand anymore because I absolutely hate that particular chore. Status: Kept. Then I moved, so it didn’t even matter.

25) Finish all the books my coworkers and friends bought for me recently so I can thank them for their recommendations! Status: Broken. So broken.

26) Actually move into my new place instead of leaving it completely undecorated and lifeless. Status: Remarkably, kept. Nothing has plastic on it, unlike at my old house where the nightstand didn’t get unwrapped even after two years of living there lol.

27) Try hard to get Creative Writing into a different area of the general ed. core so that more people will enroll in it. Status: Kept. I’m counting this because I did my darn best, but we are still waiting on the state to tell us whether or not the class will be accepted.

28) Get caught up on my Ebird reports, even the old, old, old ones I never put in because I was slacking. Status: Kept, actually. Whoo.

29) Throw away/return/sort all the stacks of old mail in the house (OMGGGG they’ve made me look like paper hoarder and I’m nootttt). Status: Broken. There’s just… a lot of papers to go through…

30) Clean up the garage before moving so that I don’t have to fight spiders to move when the time comes. Status: Broken, in that I did not clean up the garage in advance and did, in fact, have to fight spiders when it came time to move.

31) Find a way to boost grading productivity so that each class takes only two days to grade, maximum. Status: Somewhat kept. I was definitely better this year than last year; however, I really think the “two days per class” thing was too optimistic, so for the future semester, I allotted myself three days per class and I think it will work better.

32) Go to a totally new restaurant and try their food. Status: Kept. We went to a Mexican restaurant and I had trompo tacos (al pastor) which is probably not anything special to anyone else but it was my first time so lol.

33) Cancel old credit cards to make sure my credit is good before trying to buy a house (although I just checked my credit score and I’m in the great range already, so this is mostly for posterity’s sake). Status: Broken. But it didn’t affect my loan, so I guess it was okay. And it ended up being good I didn’t cancel my Best Buy card because I was able to get good financing on the new appliances I needed for my house.

34) Get official contracts from my tenants so I can use my rental income in my next loan calculation. Status: Broken, but I ended up not using that as part of the loan calculation anyway >_> so…

35) Talk to an HR rep about my retirement savings so that I can consolidate all my retirement accounts into one. (Man, look at all these ADULTING promises.) Status: Broken. Look at me failing all these adulting promises.

36) Really finish decorating my office so it looks super cute and all my students want to visit me. Status: Broken, but I think it sucks that I have to write this because it was really not my fault I couldn’t finish decorating my office. Our offices were all moved and disrupted by building remodels so I spent the entire year basically working out of a couple cardboard boxes.

37) Not sign up for ANY more new responsibilities at work in the spring semester. This is the biggest challenge. D; Status: Kept, by technicality. I was able to avoid signing up for anything new in SPRING… But fall… was a whole other story. XD

38) Migrate all the rest of my books to the new Texas house instead of leaving them in Utah… SOMEHOW. Status: Kept. I’m going to count this as kept. The only books left at the Utah house are my manga—I managed to bring literally every other book, which is very impressive considering I had only my small Camaro with its tiny truck space.

39) Use my twitter account more often to make it worth following. I will try!! Status: Kept… sorta? I mean, since I didn’t use the account AT ALL before, making even one Twitter post kind of counts as using it more, right? >_>

40) Keep my hair cut nicely so I look less like a mess (than I really am). Status: Somewhat broken. Although I think I got my hair cut more often this year than before, I don’t think I looked any less like a mess. XD

41) Successfully find a bridesmaid dress for my friend’s wedding that matches the rest of the wedding party. Status: Actually kept! It was incredible. The wedding I was in was even featured in a magazine because of how pretty it was!

42) Make sure my skin is in good condition for the wedding so I don’t look like a disturbing ghost… Status: Kept? I mean, in the end, looking like a ghost ended up being the whole point since it was a Halloween themed wedding so I kind of won either way.

43) Complete my BNHA manga collection. Since my bro bought me a bunch of the volumes for Christmas, I might as well. Status: Broken… I bought like… one volume. XD

44) See a groove-billed ani. (It’s another type of bird.) Status: Broken. Very illusive bird. T_T

45) Respond to messages, asks, and comments more quickly. I promise I’m not ignoring people… D; Status: Um, broken. I left many people on read this year, sorry.

46) Lose ten pounds so that I feel more fit and comfy. Status: Broken. I didn’t exercise at all this year, uff.

47) Pay down credit card debt by at least 1/3. Yikesssss, I really need to do this quick. Status: Broken. It’s hard to pay down a credit card when you pour all your money into buying a new house…

48) I will finally fucking finish that chapter 73 analysis of Noragami… I swear to god… Status: Broken. Uh yeah. This didn’t happen. V_V

49) Reach 1700 followers on Tumblr. You should follow me—I’m only marginally a waste of time and space! Status: Kept. Over 2500 followers now!

50) I will keep these promises. LOLLLLL. Status: Somewhat kept/somewhat broken. One year I really will keep them all…

 Totals Kept promises: 18 Broken promises: 24 Somewhat kept/broken promises: 8

Well, there are more kept promises than last year at least… It was another really hard year, what with moving in the middle of the year, over-working, dealing with so much drama with the reaccreditation on our campus, and just EVERYTHING all at once this last year… I keep thinking things are going to calm down and then they never do. Please 2020… just let me rest…

My new set of promises will be up on the 1st!

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #240

end of the year one!

What did you do in 2019 that you’d never done before? Uhhhh. Wow. I honestly don't really know; not a lot. Uhhhh... oh, I was sexually involved with a girl, I worked at a deli for A WHOLE TWO HOURS!!!!, I'm still a shameful shit that being on that damn pill actually drove me to masturbating for the first time (yes, I know it's not "bad," but), OH! I very recently found myself to relate to Neo-Paganism so kinda identify as that now, I finished a full semester of college, and uhhh. It's funny, '18 and '19 kinda blur together for me, so I can't say with certainty when some certain things took place, so it doesn't even feel right putting them here? Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I didn't make one; I pretty much never do. This year, however, I just might. Like I've always thought "dude it's just another day there is literally no actual difference," but I want to focus on the actual symbolism. No, there is no physical difference, but it's the idea I want to appreciate. I want to make something about self-improvement this year, probably mostly about AvPD and its "I'm embarrassed by myself omg people think I'm weird" factor irl, because that FUUUUCKS WIIIITH MEEEEE. I want to be comfortable as me, y'know? Oh, and I should definitely work on independence. Did anyone close to you give birth? No, but my sister is pregnant. Did anyone close to you die? My dog Teddy. What countries did you visit? I didn't leave and have never left America, yaaaaay. Fun. Adventure. What would you like to have in 2020 that you lacked in 2019? An income. Let photography go somewhere or some shit, please. What date from 2019 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? November 28th, when Teddy was put down. That's something I can never forget. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Said lasting a college semester!!!! I failed my math course as I expected to, but I mean, I lasted. What was your biggest failure? To ME anyway (people have assured me otherwise from their perspectives), it would be the first "professional" wedding I shot. I put so much into that day and the DAYS of post processing, and they never bought any of the pictures. Said they were going to discuss which ones they wanted and get back to me and then poof, vanished. I was very suspicious by another person, I think family, being there taking pictures pretty much just as much as I did, even posing people, and by now I'm pretty sure they used me (or her, idk) as backup. My only guess is my pictures weren't what they wanted so they chose the route of not paying, which, TECHNICALLY, isn't against my terms of service; you just have to pay the sitting fee, you see previews w/ watermarks, and THEN you pay for each photo you actually WANT. That's a loophole I probably need to fix, because I can honestly say $20 did NOT cover my time, hyperhidrosis e x p l o s i o n, anxiety, and my previously-mentioned DAYS-long editing period. Not to mention I was and still genuinely am proud of how the pictures turned out. OKAY WOW I'm seriously ranting but yeah I'm obviously still tilted. Did you suffer illness or injury? Did I? I don't think so. At least nothing serious. I did have a fall, but the resulting bruises and twists were negligible. What was the best thing you bought? A fuckin honeybun from the school snack machine lmao. I don't have my own income, so I just get little cash from Mom if needed for when I go out or anything. Where did most of your money go? See above. So, food lol. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Sara coming on my birthday, Ozzy re-announcing his tour for next year (WITH MANSON Y'ALL!!!!!!!!!!) and Mom and I being like "um fuck yes we're going," and that's all I can think about right now. It's not common I get like, THAT excited. What song will always remind you of 2019? *shrug* None off the top of my head stand out. Compared to this time last year, are you: Happier or sadder? Older or wiser? Thinner or fatter? (I've been at a weight loss stalemate for two fucking years now, so neither.) Richer or poorer? (No personal income, and I don't know the exact financial position Mom's in compared to last year.) What do you wish you’d done more of? See Sara and Dad much more, reach out to more friends, exercise, cleaning alksdjfawei, studying. What do you wish you’d done less of? Sitting on this computer gahhhhhhhhhhhhhh- I honestly would prefer to just not dwell on this "I wish I had..." subject. How did you spend Christmas? Breakfast and gift opening with Mom and my younger sis, then we went to my older sister's house that afternoon to celebrate with her and the kids. What was your favorite TV program? I didn't watch TV. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? No. What was the best book you read? The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood. What was your greatest musical discovery? Hm... I don't believe I discovered any new bands, but I got waaay more into Motionless In White. What did you want and get? Making it through my first semester in college, Teddy reaching his 13th birthday, seeing my grandmother for probably the last time, seeing Sara for my birthday, uhhh other things that aren't coming to mind. What did you want and not get? Lose more fucking weight for a change, more photography growth, new glasses, the courage to drive more and get my license, SEE SCARY STORIES TO TELL IN THE DARK AS WELL AS THE LAST HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON, other little things I don't wanna dwell on. What was your favorite film of this year? I do NOT get the hate of the live action The Lion King. I fucking adored it. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I don't remember other than hang out with Sara and the fam and probably eat at Olive Garden for dinner. I turned 23. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Photography reaching the level of being able to call it my *real* job. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2019? Pajamas. Just... pajamas whenever possible lmao. What kept you sane? My mom and Sara, MUSIC, gaming, Mark and the other YTers I love way too much, school getting me out of the damn house. Oh, and medication lmfao. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? The day I don't answer this with "Mark Fischbach," I IMPLORE you to commit me. What issue stirred you the most? I'm guessing you mean political? If so, the Amazon wildfires and how the fucking SA government handled it. NOTHING in the political world has ever had me that livid, heartbroken, and ashamed of the greed of the human race. Who did you miss? A good number of people, plus Teddy of course. Who was the best new person you met? Good question. Probably a teacher or adviser at school. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2019: I think more than anything, there's been a lot of focus on the fact that you can't always run at the first sign of trouble/stress. That's one of my biggest weaknesses: I flee the moment I'm under stress, but now with school, I've had to learn to fight this. It's an ongoing process, but I'm getting there. Some battles need to be fought to reach a better place.

[youmeanlove]

UM. i litrally havnt written in abt 1 year so pls........ this is jus a rough draft i didnt edit 2 remind me that i know english i promise ill get betterHFJKSF if any of u say anything mean ill straight up hijack a yacht and crash it. put me on a list governmence....aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. my insert is dominik bc i cant handle using my own name in this kinda stuff 

“You know...I don’t think we ever had a prom.”

“Huh? Yeah, we did. It was, uh..with the dinosaurs, or somethin’. ‘Run With, uh...The Guys’—“

“Walk with the Promosaurs - No, I mean we had one, but..” Dominik propped himself up off the bed on an elbow. He quickly grew tired of the ‘effort’ and flopped back onto Matt’s chest. “Like..we never had one.”

Matt winced at the sudden impact of his whole ass boyfriend on his whole ass solar plexus before resuming his ever-present grumpy squint at the sun peeking through his blinds. “....What, did you want to go? You said it was-“ he used the hand not trapped beneath his boyfriend to tug at the collar of his hoodie, putting on a more nasal tone of voice for an abhorrent impersonation of his boyfriend. “ - ’Just some exhibitionist fantasy for all the student body kids to guh-guh-grind on each other for an hour’.”

Dominik quickly slapped Matt’s hand away, expression feigning one of serious offense. “I don’t s..sound like that!” His hesitation only encouraged Matt’s laughter and Dominik shifted even more of his weight onto THAT GUY, making sure his hip was especially bony in Matt’s side. “I stand by that! but why should we miss out on a good time just cause the kids w-uh..with the pom poms won’t shut up?”

“Not going was your idea, poser! ‘ts not like we woulda danced anyway.” A pause. “Too lame.”

A lopsided frown crept its way onto Dominik’s face, despite the giggles bubbling up as Matt shoved his hand beneath his hip. For cushioning. Duh. “We so would have danced...It-“ The bang of a door closing downstairs startled the both of them before they has a chance to say more. At least for a minute or two.

Once they could breathe again (Run-ins with either of the boys’ families never proved the best when the two were together) Dominik gave Matt’s forehead a pat and rolled back onto his side, cheek mushed into a pillow.

“We so would have danced,” he repeated. “Like.. check it.” His hands moved to take Matt’s, fingers interlocking as he pulled their arms side to side. “That we are living! In a material world! And I am a m..material girl!” Matt’s immediate protests were cut off with an even louder tone deaf serenade. “Only boys that somethin’ pennies somethin’ somethin’ day-ay!”

It was only a few seconds before Matt started to mumble along, head bopping as best as he could from his position on the bed. He shifted closer to Dom - close enough that they both had to cross their eyes to see each other. “Li-ving. In a material. World.” His voice was rough from misuse and soft-spokenness, but Madonna wouldn’t care. She probably would, actually, but Matt could care less about Madonna! Or something like that. “If you really care that much, we could go next year.” He attempted to pull Dominik’s hands in the opposite direction. “We’d have to flunk this year, though. Do a repeat.”

“How romantic,” Dominik teased. “Failing all his classes, just f-for me and my slow dance. I’d do that for you. Probably. ‘cause I like you.” Matt opted out of a response - Out loud, at least. The blush creeping up to his cheeks told a different story - with another hum. “Or we could sneak in..That’ll be easier.”

“Gettin’ attacked by a school security g..guard is way easier, yeah.”

“I mean..I’d totally get arrested for your prom. ‘cause I like you, too.”

UHHH AND THEN THEY LIKE FUCKING DIE OR WHATEVER I GUESS BYE LOL.dont look at me.....

[itsthwippingtime]

Fav bloggers and why?

dahskhkasj theres so many!! how am i supposed to,,, uhhh okay i love every one i do if youre not on this list it does NOT mean that i don’t love you

without further ado and in no particular order (okay I’ve noticed some are longer than others and if youre anything like me you’ll read way too much into that but please don’t i don’t mean anything by it i love you all so so so so much) 

im so sorry for how long this is. every person tagged in this; i love you so so so so much and thank you so much for just being there for me and just being a presence in my life i am so grateful for our friendship. that applies to everyone, no matter if we’ve talked every day or never, i love you all so so SO much!!! 

@anidiotwithapen - my first friend on this site (literally) and they live in Germany so we don’t get to talk as much as i would like cause ugh timezones but i love them so much, a walking disaster, the Clint to my Nat (wait am i Nat? have we discussed this yet?) the number of crack head canons that should be canon and ideas we’ve come up with like wow. i love them so so so so so so so so much. amazing artist like wow check out their art blog @neraidamira

@hraewordsmith - my babes my aunt i love her so much IM GONNA MEET HER ASJKDHASJKHDKASHJKA Rae is literally my rock one of the most supportive, loving people (persons?) I’ve ever met i love her so so so so so so so so muchdasjhkjajzkjashdjk 

@keep-a-bucket-full-of-stars - Leah. my babes. an angel on earth i love her so much!!!! I’m gonna meet her too!!! so supportive and loving and encouraging, an amazing writer, an amazing person i mean what else can i say about her???

@starkravingparker - my wife!!! my name twin!!! Ava May i love her so much and I’m so so so proud of her she is so strong and amazing every day she faces demons and battles but she never ever gives up truly inspirational to  me i love her so much and I’m gonna meet her one day maybe years from now but we’ll meet definitely and she’ll have to show me all her favorite places to go and things to do!! an amazing singer ( @starkravingava) an amazing writer ( @stparkerwrites) and amazing at making icons/edits/that stuff that i know nothing about ( @starkravingshuri) truly a talented wonderful person i love her to death. she deserves so much love and happiness and I’m so proud of her jsdajkdjlksa 

@loubuttons - lou. what can i say about lou. the sweetest person ever. always there to love on you and encourage you and hear you complain and be there to rant and shkjadsahjkska i love her so much literally an angel i cannot,,,, an amazing painter and writer and just deserves all the love in the world i love her so much 

@marvelbased SOPHIA I LOVE HER I LOVE HER I LOVE the Bucky to my Sam i could not live without her she’s constantly making me laugh i wish i could give her the world because its what she deserves i love her so much she always supports me and encourages me and we’re gonna meet one day too i know it ill die if we don’t!! dsjkhasjk i just love her!!!! 

@cartwheelandfaceplant - we don’t talk much but i love them!!! everything they reblog, marvel or not, is the Quality Content i signed up for and at least a third of my likes is probably posts from them amazing blog amazing person just amazing amazing amazing!!

@tonyintexas - ah Taylor. my partner in crime when it comes to a certain person i love her and her humor its so amazing Taylor is literally crazy but the best kind of crazy and she honestly has me cackling i love her so much

@smallittlebee - the sweetest ever!!! we don’t talk much but literally so so so so so sweet and um CHICKENS!!!!!

@peterparkerisntdead - literally Gwen’s tags and semi vague shit posts throw me into a fit every time i should expect it but i never do i never know what to expect from her she’s like a hurricane so unpredictable sdaljkasdakjsd i love her k so much!!!!!! just !!!!!!

@irondadgroupie - IM SORRY I HAVENT REPLIED TO OUR HEADCANONS IN SO LONG IM SO SO SO SORRY if maybe if you don’t mind waiting until May? my exams are over mid-may and I’m gonna try to have the out before then but its really getting stressful over here and I’m just so sorry for all the shitty excuses and me ignoring you you have no IDEA how sorry i am. i love you so much i love the head canons we come up with, so so supportive and has always supported me with my writing, since the very beginning and it means the world to me dsjakjhsjak i love you babes!!!!

@imveryobservant - ahhh Jessie i love her toooooo!!!!!! we don’t talk a whole lot but when we do its always so much fun!! there are two (2) things that make me think of Jessie: thank u, next and the muppets (i also think of Gwen when i think of the muppets)

@lovelyspidey - LIXI!!!!! Lixi and i don’t talk a whole lot either but i love her so much and she’s like the one person i can freak with about Spider-Man PS4 (LIXI YOU NEED TO FINISH IT HAVE YOU????) and she’s always been there and supported me from the beginning i love her. also my go-to girl for Tom fic recs ;)

@drowningfandoms - okay but literally idk what to say because i remember seeing your URL repeatedly in my notifs at the very beginning, and like sending me asks and stuff and it was so strange that one person liked me and wanted to interact with me. and look how far our friendship has grown!! i love you so so so much!!!! I’m so grateful for you and our friendship and just your presence in my life

@underoosstark - this bitch makes some of the best videos i have ever seen in my entire life!!!! please watch them!!! ugh your mind babes!! we don’t talk a lot either but always amazing and supportive and loving and so sweet and kind andjaksdhjksahdjkashjksahjkd 

@messedupfangirl05 - this bitch exposes me in the best ways i love her so so so much she is so kind and supportive and just so funny and I’m so so proud of her and everything she’s done. i love her and the way she writes and just EVERYTHINGS!!!!!

@tominhoodies - STEPH!!! BABES!!!! k i love Steph so much she’s an amazing writer and i love her so so so so so much she’s so funny sometimes she disappeared for days or weeks but i know she does it for her and its whats best for her and i respect and admire the amount of self control she had i love her so much okay don’t talk to me

@knife-wielding-tentacle - listen. if it weren’t for this bitch right here i would have never been introduced to the glorious head canon that is Winter Soldier!Peter and i love it so much (okay I SWEAR I’m gonna answer those asks soon but when have you known me to ever do anything on time) i love them so much jdsakjaskdjlaksjkaklsadjkl please never stop with the head canons they give me life

@adaisyspetals - DAISY!!!!!! i love daisy so much!!!!! she sends me pictures of her cat and dog and i love them too!!!! so sweet and so supportive and i love love love her writing!!!! agasdgjhsags just so amazing i love you so so so much babes!!!!

@mostly-marvel-stuffs - hi!!! we used to talk a lot more than we do now and thats okay but i miss you lots babes!!!!! um just an amazing person altogether i love them!!!! we once calculated how long it would be to do a Disney marathon with all most of the Disney movies so we’re gonna do that one day when we can stay up for a week straight (how long did we say it would be?)

@protecthefuckingbees - idk why they follow me cause they’re literally like the coolest and I’m like,,, not but i love them so so so much so supportive and kind and loving and sdjkhajdhjkahdajk i just love you sooooo much!!!!!!

@tomhollandswhore - we talk like every three days but i cherish those conversations, literally so sweet and kind and supportive and a New Friend cause we don’t know each other super well yet but i already know i love them!!!!! 

@tonystarkdadmode - oh my gosh okay so sweet and so amazing and so supportive and just so amazing i love love love them!!!! i love their header (its so iconic go look) and just dsjkasjkdasjkhdsjkadsajk love you so much babes!!!!! 

@spider-boiii - the creator of my icon, always has me cackling, super amazing, really nice, I!!!! LOVE!!!!!! THEM!!!!!!!!!

@spookyclooky - k amazing artist first off! also like the only person i can talk to about Detroit: Become Human and (possibly) other PS4 games (we need to play GTA online one day i feel like that’d be a lot of fun haha!!!) i love them so much they’re so sweet and very patiently put up with my incessant questions about DBH, as annoying as they were

@sup-mr-stark, @mysteryavengers, @death1by3thoughts, @tamaranianprincess, @tomhollandeu @tomhollanders2013, @ebonyheartnet, @avengvr, @anxieteandbiscuits, @theincorrectavengers, @spiderman-homecumming, @my-babies-are-ash, @she-loves-her-queens-of-whump - these blogs… we don’t talk a whole lot and i really wish we did, but we all just kinda stand by and support and love each other even tho we’ve had like 3 or less conversations BUT THEYRE STILL ALL AMAZING AND HAVE AMAZING BLOGS AND ARE JUST ALTOGETHER AMAZING PEOPLE I LOVE THEM!!!!

[tracle0]

22/11

I was tagged by @joyful-soul-collector​ (thank you this is possibly one of my favourite tag games) ... Okay also also before I could finish this up, @hyba also tagged me so uh it’s 22/11 instead, ty ty. You two might want to check the tag list cause uhhh you might be there who knows not me c:

The rules are: Answer the 11 (22 this time but hush) questions, make up your own 11 and then tag... I think it’s 11 people but I don’t know 11 people who I haven’t already tagged so...

I sort of started spamming pictures to answer a question so I’m gonna... put the pictures under the cut. 

1. Have any of your OCs ever stolen something? What did they steal, and why? Oh yeah sure - the first one I can think of easily is Cain. He used to live on the streets so had to steal to survive. But he’d also work for money. He’s not heartless, just desperate. 

Also now I’m thinking about it, Tag would definitely be the kind of guy to just... hey I know I’m meant to hand this gear in but... no-one will miss it so.... he steals to amuse himself with the gadgets he gets. 

2. Did you ever have imaginary friends as a kid? What were they like? I copied my sister in having pretend animal friends, but not really. Who needs imaginary friends when you have real-life ones lol I was a lot more liked as a kid.

3. Do any of your  OCs have a favorite article of clothing? Why is it their favorite?

Uhhhh

Um.

Yeah, you could say that. 

Andy likes his hoodie because it’s a thing that is only his. He didn’t get it from Murdock, I honestly don’t know WHERE he got it from, but it’s his, and the fact he owns anything means a lot to him.

Cain likes his because it’s one of the few things left over from when he was younger and again, it’s his. He didn’t steal it. It belongs to Only Him. He feels comfortable in it. 

4. What do you fist develop about a character when you make one up? Do you think of their appearance first? Their personality? Their backstory?

Honestly? It depends. Backstory always comes after, but personality and appearance often intersect. I know for WIP 3 I thought of personality and traits first, and for Collateral it was appearance first. I think for Sonder it was more.. their role in the story? ‘Oh hey this is the antagonist, this is the protagonist, this is the love interest wait I hate romance, okay, side kick’ etc

5. Fluff or Angst?

If it’s not romantic? Fluff. I made myself angsty enough when I was younger, I want more happiness in my life.

6. Remember the color of that dress that everyone was debating about however many years ago? The one that was blue and black, or white and gold? What colors did you see?

The correct colours.

7. Pick your bubbliest, happiest OC. Now tell me what will make them turn into your worst nightmare. I wanna see what makes them the angriest.

Oh boy, let’s see uhhh... Tag. Tag from WIP 3 who is undergoing the process of a name change. 

Seeing someone he loves die would twist him. Being isolated would eventually break him. Being unable to do what he loves would definitely upset him also. 

Also idk if you’ve heard about it but in his world, there’s a nifty ability called being a silvertongue and I know at least one silvertongue is not gonna exploit this but I also know of another who would even on this19-year-old kid so maybe it’s not by choice but that could make him a nightmare. Just sayin’

8. Now pick your angstiest, most emo OC. And tell me what would make them blush and giggle like an idiot. I wanna see what makes them the happiest.

Okay for this one it’s a tie I write a lot of angsty characters. 

>Andy - seeing something just. Really funny. Oh did Sam just fall over in a ridiculous way? Fantastic. That’s actually how they first have a proper conversation. Sam falls over, he laughs, they talk.

>Cain - anything awesome that Duck does. Oh hey what’s up Goose oh you drew this radical picture? /tearing up/ it’s so great oh my gosh you’re so talented. That’s more being happy than giggling but can you see Cain giggling? No, me neither. 

9. If you could have any mythical creature for a pet, what would it be?

Dragon, next question.

10. What’s your go-to thing for when you’re hungry but don’t have time/energy to cook something?

Fruit! It is! Very good! And tasty! Apples have a good cronch! Oranges are mmmm juicy. Banana? Yes nice thank you. Oh wow we have strawberries? What a sweet treat. Also healthy!

11. Do any of your OCs have scars? Would they be confident enough to show them in public (like at the beach)?

Oh yeah sure man. Andy’s got multiple from... ‘training’. He doesn't show them off. Cain, Duck and Theo have all been badly burnt on the arms, and Cain ‘’shows it off’’ just because it makes him uncomfortable to have his arms covered. And uh Raya probably has some sort of scar on her knees or elbow from rollerblading. Because you do fall over and it does scar.

And now for Hyba’s questions, lez go bois

1. What cultural value do you see in writing/reading/storytelling/etc.?

I think that without storytelling specifically, humans would be so... mundane? We’d be no different to any other animal on the planet. Creating anything, be that stories or art or literally anything is so... human. To take that away would be like taking away humanities soul. The cultural value isn’t really measurable - storytelling makes up the culture. 

2. Do you try more to be original or to deliver to readers what they want?

Honestly, I have no idea. I try to entertain myself, and if other people like it too, then that’s neat. But because I’m writing for myself, I anticipate everything, so I don’t know if it’s original or not. I know it delivers what I want! But is that readers want? Who knows!

3. As a writer, what would you choose as your mascot/avatar/spirit animal?

Crow. Not even as a writer, just... dude crows are so damn cool. 

4.  What do you think most characterizes your writing?

I’m not quite sure about the phrasing so uhhhh represents? Google is telling me ‘describes’. 

In which case, a midnight fever jolting you out of bed, moments before you could fall asleep, and puppeting you to a writing surface so you can splurge ideas onto it sounds about right. 66% of my WIPs have elements in them that were based on dreams. 

5. How do you select the names of your characters?

Mostly? Spite. ‘Oh Trade, you can’t have a bad guy named Andy, all Andy’s are good’ NOPE NOT ANYMORE SUCK IT. I also have a friend who is really good at coming up with names that fit the exact mood of the character so I go to her a lot. Sometimes they’re puns. 

6. Choose one of your OCs (or more). How would they want to be seen by others?

Sam from Sonder wants to be seen as someone people can talk to, but also someone who pursues a science because yes sociology is a science to her, shut up, don’t talk to me if you’re going to mention the words ‘paradigm’ or ‘objective’ thank you.

7. How do you find or make time to write? Are you consistent or do you write whenever you get the chance?

Hahahahahhahha.

In the past few months, I’ve not been writing because I’ve had exams. Before that, I wrote at every chance I had - being a student, I had a fair bit of free time during the day, so I’d use that to write. But for a while, it was a nothing on the ‘what has Trade written recently’ chart. 

Going up again boiiis

8. What does literary success look like to you? Is it important for you as a writer?

Literary success? That’s... a very interesting question. I think I’d be satisfied and feel successful if one person told me that my book helped them through something. 

Jokes on me, I’ve already had that, my books helped me, I have already succeeded, see you losers in hell.

Also fanart but uh who needs fanart when you draw enough for five armies?

9. Are there any scenes that you’ve had to edit out of your WIPs? Can you tell us about them if they don’t spoil the book?

YES oh lord yes okay so in Sonder, chapter 15, I decided around draft 2 that I wanted a scene where Atlas got drunk. I made up reasons for it, asked lots of friends about what it was like to be drunk (as I personally have never been drunk), attended parties to get first-hand research and did so much preparation. 

Wrote the scene, was pleased with it, left it to fester. Two years and two drafts later (now), I’ve come back and realised oh hey that scene is utterly useless and de-rails the plot. Time to remove it I guess. 

I rationalise it as ‘well you wrote it and you had fun but it’s not needed, move on’ and that works well for me. 

10. Would you feel comfortable publishing or sharing your writing using your real name, or would you prefer a pseudonym?

Pseudonym 100%. As cool as it would be to be able to go ‘hey I wrote this’ to people, the terrifying ordeal of being known is horrific, and people being able to track all my past activity from when I was literally seven is my worst nightmare. I wouldn’t even tell family or friends if I could get away with it. 

‘Hey [real name], there’s a book at Waterstones called Sonder? With the exact same characters, plot and writing style as you have? But it’s under [pseudonym]?’ ‘oh hey, really that’s wild. Anyway,’

11. When writing, do you try more to be original or do you prefer to deliver to readers what they want? Do you think that a book can do both? Which is more important to you as a writer?

Oh hey, this is like question two but MORE. Standing by my previous answer, I think a book can do both - people want a happy ending, usually, but you can always be original in how you do that. No two stories can be told in exactly the same way. And hey - even if people do guess what’s coming up, that’s good. 

As a writer? It’s most important to entertain. I don’t try and catch people out, I just deliver the story I have in my head and then edit it mercilessly until I’m pleased. 

Questions!

1) Design a mask for an OC to wear. Would it cover their whole face? Is it a mascarade mask? Is it fancy or simple? Bonus cool kid points if you draw it.

2) Which OCs like spicy food?

3) Which OCs can take care of a plant - an orchid, to be exact? 

4) Do you tell stories in any other medium beyond writing? eg: art or roleplay or...? 

5) Do you have any irl items that you have because ‘oh dude this is something that’d totally be in my story’? Can I see them?

6) What’s the first book you remember buying? 

7) Do you have any weird collections of things? As an example, I have a skull collection and a collection of... what’s best described as doll body parts. Anything just... weird that you have a lot of? Can I see it? 

8) Which OC gets distracted by watching birds and which OC is like ‘dude stop watching the birds we’ve got STUFF TO DO’

9) Have you ever met a published author? Who? 

10) Are you a person who likes tea or are you a person who prefers coffee? If the latter - dude c’mon tea is so much better smh

11) Have you backed up your files recently? Do it now. Please, for the love of god, back up your files. 

Tagging!

@hyba @joyful-soul-collector (dunno if I’m allowed to tag the people who tagged me but fukkit here’s some more questions you eggs) @kaatiba @albatris @timetravelingpigeon @note-katha (hi we have barely interacted but nice new username) @nymph-of-diana (on your main if you want, idm c:) @writing-and-nutmeg @futurity-writing @osteoprecocious and @thatfizzyyyy 

Honestly, the fact I made it to 11 is - wowza. Uhhh if you don’t want to then don’t, if you do want to then PLEASE do and then tag me so I can see your answers, I’m curious. 

Ciao.

[hvlly-blog]

- ̗̀ ❛ muse 22 , kim chungha , she / her . ❜ ̖́- did you hear about the monaco trip ? it’s legendary at ucla. holland “holly” min is going, i’m so jealous. their instagram makes it seem like they’re pretty vivacious and they’re all about an empty locket around a delicate neck  &  strawberry flavored lip gloss. can you believe they’re only twenty-one and they’re going on a free trip to monaco for the summer ? hopefully they don’t let their quixotic side show too much on the trip. 

hello… im xan ( she / her pronouns ) im 21 and its been...200 years since i’ve made an intro post or rped so JSDBJW go easy on me ! fun fact half my keyboard is broken…..so if i take 10 yrs to reply sometimes just kno….a bitch is trying her best ok... literally just winging all of this as i type if u thought i had a plan think again JSDBWB *jungkook vc* lets get it....

pause . before we get it JDBWJDJ we can plot here over ims if discord isnt ur scene !! BUT i am....way more likely to respond to discord messages bc its easier !! so u can find me on there @  A GIRL WITH LUV 💖✨🌙#8172 

idk what is triggering for any of u so if mentions of AGE GAPS, DRUG ABUSE, CAR ACCIDENTS, or SEX ADDICTIONS is sensitive stuff pls proceed with caution !!!

BACKSTORY: so . this is holland but she thinks her name is UGLY so she goes by holly 

she was born and raised in los angeles and her parents both own / run a luxury chain of rehab centers for ppl with $$$ ( u already know i want a plot involving this xx ) they are new money ! so holly really does not understand ... the spoiled lifestyle since her parents raised her pretty conciously on stories abt how they struggled as immigrants coming to a new country & making it & all that jazz

as a kid her parents would host / try to charm a lot of potential donors or clients so they’d make holly “entertain” them like as a kid she’d just be cute or maybe sing a song from chorus or just be impressively well-behaved but the older she got...the more her mom would demand from her /:

as all this was going on her parents started to have issues so instead of working it out.... holly’s dad just started traveling a whole lot to other states & countries where they had a business so growing up he wasn’t really in the picture . rip !

back to holly ! so her mom had a few close business partners and “friends” that where around holly’s family pretty much all the time and there was this one guy who was relatively younger than most of the men but still significantly older than 14 year old holly who had a huge crush. basically this man tried to take advantage of that bc hes UGLY .

one day holly’s mom caught this dude alone with holly and being way too friendly for comfort and instead of flipping on the dude she flipped on holly and was like we could lose our business and i think it’s all ur fault for causing drama” and holly was literally like What the Fuck !!! her mom cut off all ties with the dude but she still made holly feel like it was her own fault woo !!

more stuff her mom did ? yea ! one night when she was 17 she was out with this guy who had celebrity parents just eating at a nice place and drinking after and as he was driving her home, they get into a big car accident. turns out that the guy she had gone to dinner with had a coke addiction & was literally high the whole time & the only reason holly’s mom had set them up was so he’d check into their rehab center bc his famous parents were considering it but she never told holly any of that so holly was PISSED but relatively unharmed from the accident besides some bruising

basically by the time college came a bitch was ready she moved out, trying to have a fresh start away from her home life ! but college was also messy basically over the years holly developed a big dependency issue where she literally...craves attention and intimacy sososo bad bc she never got it from her family so ! she looks for it in other ppl like she needs to feel that validation so bad & she does that with really unhealthy sexual habits low key bordering addiction ! 

oh also ? since her family was never the family vacation type JSBDWJBDJ she’s never left california before so a bitch is VERY excited and if u try to make her feel bad for it . she will tell u to fuck off and let her have this !

PERSONALITY + TIDBITS: honestly one of the most sociable ppl u will ever meet she was literally raised to entertain and please so its super easy for her to make friends !! literally one of those ppl that just.....know everyone and ur like how the fuck !!! an avid social media user...are u even friends if u dont have a snap streak ? not to holly JSBDJWBDJ definitely her guilty pleasure aside from u know...sex ! 

speaking of sex she really.....ho(e)lly gets around ... 100% a chaotic bi but her trust for men is abt at a solid 0 ! she will still desperately seek validation from them though so thats fun ! she can be a gossip bc shes a gemini ... but she never does it on purpose she just ... tells funny stories & realizes half way through she was talking abt a friend’s tinder date horror story ... oops ... share secrets cautiously ! 

for someone who makes friends like its nothing shes pretty hesitant to share any real info abt herself bc she fears being rejected and abandoned ( not just romantically ) more than anything else like shes one of those ppl who ur like “oh yeah i know her!” but if someone asks u to tell them one important thing abt her ur not gonna know wtf to say

also she’s usually very amiable but if ur just .... a horrible person .. shes gonna be honest about it SDBSJWB shes got some strong opinions ! but also very unrealistic expectations in others so a lot of the time shes just ... disappointing herself for hyping u up inside her own head

she was an english major ! bc i love to self insert <3 JSDBJWBJ but she low key wishes she did something with film bc she loves editing videos & making videos abt her friends so if ur her pal ... u 100% have abt 50 videos ur a star in ! she tried to learned to speak french 100% for the aesthetic of it but only remembers like 5 words….she used to play the fucking ukulele but stopped bc her mom was like holly grow UP JSBDSJBJW shes scared of the dark /: like legit scared if she is sleeping alone a light has to stay on....and yea i dont know what else this is long enough JSDBJSWBJW IM SORRY

im out of ... juice UHHH but some basic ideas for plots are stuff to do with her family ( family friends, maybe ur muse or their family is somehow involved with her parent’s rehab center, or ur muse or their family could have been one of those business partners...whew we have possibilities !!! ), shes an only child so i would die for sibling type friendships, hmm also fwbs or just hook up connections bc those can get uhh Dramatic since she is so dependent on sex, also would die for like confidants bc thats rare for holly like sharing her deep feelings or whatever ... enemy plots are sexy but im gonna be real honest here . i suck at purely hateful connections so if u want a mean plot we gotta have depth ! JSXBDSJDB um romatic stuff too also more platonic stuff like best friends or party buddies thats literally enough i’ve been typing for HOURS . plot with me .. or Perish xx

[almaasi]

reaction post typed while watching SPN 13x21 “Beat the Devil”

okay, whoa. dick jokes and also HEART-DESTROYING PLOT TWIST, what a combination

02:30pm

i’m sure it’s 100% intentional but when i hear the title of this episode i just think of “beat the devil’s tattoo” by black rebel motorcycle club

things i want from this episode:

team free will doing things TOGETHER

no women to die

also i have an inner ear infection so if i pause for a long time it’s because looking at things makes me dizzy and seasick (yay)

-

02:46pm

okay here goes!!!

-

02:48

CAS NO DON’T COMMENT ON PEOPLE’S FOOD

but also wow cute??? his affectionate smile when he looks at dean??

-

04:49

mary: “john and me used to call him our little piglet”

OUR LITTLE PIGLET

;A;

-

also WOW TALK ABOUT FOOD SHAMING

THIS IS CUTE BUT ALSO NOT AT ALL

-

02:50

AND THEN DEAN BECKONS TO THE PIZZA WHILE CAS AND JACK ARE THERE

and cas obliges

THIS IS SO FREAKING PRECIOUS

-

02:52

now mary’s talking to sam and this is probably a dream either sam or mary is having, which makes my worry that they don’t get rescued 

oh no

-

02:54

gabe wants to extract grace “~in private~“

cas: “so i left him alone in dean’s room”

dean: “whAT. noawww.”

i’m just.............this is so cute??

*u*

but also my brain is like “extracting grace = masturbation... cas sees dean’s room as the masturbatorium” (!!!)

but also extracting grace is not like masturbation but ALSO I’M PRETTY SURE BERENS WAS INSINUATING THAT IT IS

which basically means asmodeus was raping gabe? and metatron raped cas??

which i guess makes sense as a sex/grace parallel since removing it without consent is obviously a big no-no even if you never compared the two

wow this cuteness went downhill fast

-

03:00

BUT ALSO WHY DOES SAM SMILE THE SOFT QUIET SMILE WHEN DEAN SAYS “naoww”

that seemed like a “cas usually does everything in dean’s room” kinda smile

or an “eyyyy not my room” kinda smile

-

THERE’S SO MUCH IN THEIR FACES AND THE EDITING IN THIS FIVE-SECOND SEGMENT

I NEED SOMEONE TO DO A SHOT-BY-SHOT ANALYSIS OF THEIR EXPRESSIONS AND EXPLAIN WHAT IT ALL MEANS

SAM’S ALARMED FACE ABOUT THE “IN PRIVATE”.

CAS’ CONFUSED SQUINTING WHEN DEAN OBJECTS TO GABRIEL BEING IN HIS ROOM.

oh shit?? like maybe cas is confused because “i am an angel, i am allowed to do private things in dean’s room. gabriel is an angel, therefore dean’s room is the place to do private things. wait--! *confusion* why does dean say “naoowww” like he objects? is gabriel different?”

and the bit cas doesn’t get (YET) is that CAS IS DIFFERENT TO GABRIEL BECAUSE DEAN LOVES CAS AND WANTS HIM TO DO PRIVATE THINGS WITH HIM IN HIS ROOM

#nailed it !!!!!!!

seriously this is such a small moment but??? SO MUCH SUBTEXTUAL INFORMATION

-

03:07

i only have 480p video so i can’T READ THE LABEL ON THAT YELLOW PACKET THAT’S GOING IN THE BAG

it’s definitely important

-

03:15

60% sure gabe just walked in wearing dean’s clothes

the leather jacket from the time they went to LA??

when do we get to see CAS in dean’s clothes ;a;;a;a;

-

03:17

gabe: “more than enough to get the job done”

preeeeeeetty certain the portal’s gonna close early without enough grace

-

03:18

HOKAY WOWWWWWW yeah THAT’S NOT SEXUAL AT ALLLLL

-

03:20

cas: “well that was....fast”

sam: “very, very fast”

rowena: “one could even say premature”

JESUSVGDG DGJDFGSDGHGJDJGGD

-

03:23

i recall that meta post saying that everyone’s meeting their abusers this season

sam hasn’t faced lucifer yet

(i mean, since last year in LA)

but also dean hasn’t faced john yet and i kinda wanna hold out for that in a weird way?? idk if i want that

-

03:25

gabriel picks up a book called “laying pipe”

is this episode gonna be..... filled with dick

......jokes

but also what is that book doing in the men of letters library ?

headcanon that it’s a secret vintage gay porn book, which dean keeps hidden in places that aren’t his room ‘cause that’s too obvious if someone finds it. at least if it’s in a public place then he can say “uhhh must’ve been a men of letters thing”

-

03:27

gabriel and rowena: SJKFSD [IMPOTENCE] KSJFGJDGH

OH MY GOD.

-

03:28

rowena: “the three amigos? with their bro hugs, pep talks, and melodrama?”

yep that’s them

-

03:29

WOW ROWENA’S THOUGHTS

news flash: gabriel has a butt

-

03:30

ROWENA’S FINGERS ON THE PESTLE AS SHE LIFTS IT UPRIGHT

ME: /CLUTCHES MY FOREHEAD

-

03:32

oohhhhh she’s gonna get more grace out of him

edit: guess not, just some good ol witch/angel hanky panky

-

03:34

I CN’t hnANDLE THIS and neither can cas

-

03:40

that lucifer-catching thing with gabriel and rowena was kinda fun

-

03:40

lucifer: “hey look all the people i love to torture in the same room”

-

03:43

WHOOP.

is it just me or did dean look kind of into it for about half a second

-

03:46

@ rowena i recommend a silencing spell to shut lucifer up

-

03:56

OH NO

PRAYER CIRCLE FOR ROWENA

-

05:57

ruh roh, lucifer’s in the other world

-

03:59

YEEEEAAH GO ROWENA

STICK AROUND AND HELP

ALL THIS CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT IS GOOD FOR YOU

edit: guess we’ll find out what she did in a later episode

-

04:00

oh right the packet of yellow things must’ve been glow sticks

-

04:06

SAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OH NO!!! THE BLOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

;A;

-

CAs: HE’S GONE”

ofhfh

no 

oh no

._.

-

04:08

i feel light-headed

and idek if its because i;m sick or because of sam

i was not expecting this at all and i’m in like... mini-shock

sam looked very much dead

like actual dead

D:

-

04:11

my heart hurts

because mary but no sammy

-

04:12

oh no

;~;

-

...i .. need a minute

-

04:15

i’m just

i can’t???

i

too much

-

04:16

four minutes of processing/mourning later i return

sam: *gasps alive*

WHAT

WHAT

!!!!!!!!!!

WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

rowena maybe?

-

04:17

oh that’s not good

-

04:20

lucifer: “i want what you already have. a relationship with my son”

well shit

i just can’t help but think about all the actual real people on the planet right now who are in situations like sam is

given gifts they can’t refuse, blackmailed or threatened, and then forced to offer an abusive person a relationship with their child

aside from all the magic powers, lucifer is very much a real character to be found in real life, and my heart goes out to all the sam-types suffering in his oppressive reign

like as lucifer just said, he took his personal moral high ground here, as opposed to just kidnapping jack. what a shitbag

-

04:25

that moment when you realise that yet again, lucifer is the fucking worst

-

04:31

it’s over

HECK

SHIT

FRICKETTY FUCK

THAT WAS GREAT BUT ALSO HARROWING BUT ALSO FUNNY AND INTERESTING AND  ???

I FEEL A LOT AND IT’S ALL VERY NOISY

given the tone of the start of the episode i did NOT see it going the way it did

really enjoying the team free will + gabe + rowena thing

...........oh man i’m exhausted after that

SAM DYING FOR A WHILE REALLY TAKES IT OUTTA YOU HUH

WOW

um

i kinda wanna lie down or something. just to think about this. and breathe. and remember that sam is okay

jeeeeeeeeeeeeeez that really fucked me up for a while

fuck the writers, but like... in a good, congratulatory kind of way ‘cause they tore my heart out but then put it back but then tore it out a little bit again

10/10 tbh, would cautiously recommend, so long as there’s blankets and hot drinks and post-episode fluff available for immediate comfort

...

/sits quietly

with my face like  ( o______o )

[writingthingsisdifficult]

The man in my dreams

This is a story of dreams, of heartbreak, and soulmates. Some fluff, some angst, a little bit of blood, a little bit language...

I worked hard on this, so please let me know what you think. I also have a tag list; so let me know if you want on it. Or if you want off it, I guess. There’s a few people I can’t tag anymore. Let me know if you’ve changed your url or something, yeah?

Edit: I don’t know what the weird symbols are, but they disappear when you click the read more. Also: yes there is a read more - but for some reason it doesn’t show up on mobile. Sorry.

Word count: 7107

He grips my foot tighter as he bandages the wound. It is just a small nick, but he seems uneasy, and I don’t want to upset him further, so I don’t move. “Tell me,” he says, and there’s an emotion I can’t interpret laced in his voice.

“W-what?”

“Your story. Tell me.” He waves his free hand, indicating for me to get on with it. “From the beginning.”

“Uh…” I clear my throat, and try to ignore the burn from the screaming. “M-my first memory is…” This is harder than I thought it would be. I’ve always had dreams and aspirations, but it’s not to die by the hands of some nutter who gets off on people’s sob stories. Of course I’m not my usual top self.

Growling, he gathers a fistful of my hair and yanks, pulling my head backwards. The pain brings tears to my eyes. “Now!”

I let out a long breath, and a plan of sorts forms in my head. Maybe I can distract him long enough to work my hands free of the rope. And then? Let’s worry about that later. “Y-yeah… hhhhso. First mem-memory. Uhhh… I remember waking up, screaming from a nightmare where I was covered in flames. If I close my eyes I can still feel the heat on my face… I screamed so hard my throat ripped and I could taste blood on my tongue, and… and Dad spent hours trying to calm me down. Heh… it wasn’t until he started humming along to the soft rock radio station I finally closed my eyes and drifted off into an uneasy sleep. I guess I must have been around three or something.”

He nods, and his apparent calm encourages me to continue. I brace myself and bring forth the story I intend to tell him.

“I had a very happy childhood. I did. My parents loved me, and I never wanted for anything. Yet I always felt something was missing. Like I wasn’t whole. I tried not to think about it too much, because like everyone else, I just wanted to be normal and accepted.

But sometimes this longing crept out; when I was sleeping and had no control over myself. When I turned five the dreams became more frequent, and I started to recognise a pattern.” There’s always a pattern, if you know where to look, and it didn’t take me long to see it.

“’Momma! Momma!’ My cries were followed by frantic footsteps on the soft carpet. I think there was a sharp crack, then a low curse being thrown into the room, but I’m not entirely sure. I was too scared to care that Mom had trodden on one of my favourite Barbies.

‘What is it, pumpkin? Another nightmare?’ Mom’s voice was like a soothing blanket over my frayed nerves as she picked me up and held me close. Yes, it was another nightmare, but it wasn’t an ordinary nightmare. My six-year-old brain recognised that much.

Wiping my nose on Mom’s shirt, I sniffed and blinked away the tears that stuck to my eyelashes. ‘Uh-huh. The same… A dark, um, monster was coming in through the window, and he was so scared, and… and then someone was shooting…’ The flash of flames from the gun was what woke me up. To this day, I’m still terrified of… of fire.”

I sigh, and try not to think about my current predicament. Right now a little fire almost seem like a good thing. “Anyway. So Mom stroked my hair and smiled softly. ‘Oh,’ she said, as if she was holding back. ‘You were dreaming about, about S… Sander? again?’ She always struggled to remember the dreams I’d told her about before, and for some reason that annoyed me exceedingly.

But I didn’t know how to tell her that, of course. I was only six, so I banged my fist weakly against her chest. ‘Sam, Momma. His name is Sam.’

Mom gave me a sad smile, and kissed the top of my head. ‘Sorry, honey. It was just a dream. There’s no such thing as monsters –“ I’m interrupted by a low chuckle, and I frown at my captor, who has seated himself at the bottom of my chair, with his feet crossed, and his head in his hands as if I’m reading him a fairytale.

“Nothing,” he smirks, and nods for me to continue again.

“Uh-huh. Well, Mom told me to go back to sleep. She said that nothing could hurt me in my bed. Then she tucked my blanket tight, but there was something about her face that made me suspicious. Like she wasn’t telling me the truth. But then again, Mom always said I wasn’t a very trusting child, so I archived the feeling in the back of my mind where all the other weird ideas I had would eventually end up; like ghosts were real and that werewolves really looked like ordinary people. Oh, the look on Mom and Dad’s faces when I told them. Of course they knew better. There’s no such thing as ghosts – the only monsters out there are…” You, I want to say, but I’m not sure how he’ll react to that, so I sniff, and cough.

“May I please have a glass of water?” I ask, my mouth so dry it hurts to smack my tongue.

“No,” he simply replies, and straightens his back.

Right. My story. Pri one, obviously. “Some dreams are vague like feelings or memories of colours swirling over a blank canvas, or emotions etched into my mind for forever, but without context or a story.

Others, uh, others I remember as if… as if they happened just minutes ago, like those piercing, yellow eyes. So cold, so… evil. I never really saw who they belonged to, but they frightened me so much Mom and Dad thought about sending me to a professional. I wonder what would’ve happened if they did. Those eyes still haunt me sometimes. Sometimes I even feel I can see them when I’m awake… But in the middle of them all stands Sam, like a pulsing beacon of light and safety. Even though his face is blank in my dreams, I always knew it was him, you know?”

He fidgets and shifts on the floor, looking uneasy, but he quickly hides his emotions behind a stern façade. “Tell me about the dreams about Sam.”

“Hum, okay. In those dreams he was there, sometimes almost as we were the same person, or sometimes we would meet and do stuff together. It never, uh, never struck me as weird when I was little, that I never saw his face. It felt natural, and those times I saw others, it was like watching them through a filter, or maybe through his eyes even.

Dean appeared often. His brother. Sometimes like a knight or a caped hero,” I smile from the memory of the tough looking kid in a Batman cowl and the cape flowing behind him as he ran through the streets. “He… uh, would swoop in to save us when we’d gotten lost. Flowers sprouted and blossomed where he walked, and wherever he went darkness cowered. I always liked Dean. He made Sam happy.

Sometimes older people appeared too. At least when I was younger. A man named Dad felt strong and safe, but sometimes he felt distant and sad. Those dreams always made me cry with the heartache Sam tried to hide away.

There was another man too. A gruff, but kind looking old man. Sam called him Uncle Bobby.” There comes a low growl from the floor, but I ignore it. “His hugs scratched my chin, but they were bigger and better than I’d ever known before. Sometimes Uncle Bobby was Uncle Dad. Those were not happy dreams. Well, the dreams were. Usually filled with fun stuff like soccer or baseball and ice cream, but they were almost always immediately followed by a pang of inexplicable guilt and embarrassment before I was rudely ejected from the dream.

Those nights I used to gather all my stuffed toys in my bed with me and place them meticulously around me so they’d know I loved them all equally. That wasn’t entirely true, though. My stuffed gorilla, Hannibal, was my favourite, but I would never admit it out loud so my toys could hear it. But Hannibal always slept in my arms. He knew all my secrets. Like when Dad left with another man when I was seven, and uh…” I let out an uncertain laugh. I hadn’t meant to tell him that. But it’s like I can’t stop myself from it.

“Anyway. When I was nine, I remember the dream so vividly… I was in this, this meadow, I think. So unfamiliar, I’d never been there before, but at the same time I knew exactly where I was, and that there was something important there. Everything was so distracting. The colours were so vibrant I was pretty sure I could touch them if I tried; the air buzzed with excitement, and all around me birds chirped and danced over the tree tops.

Next to me flowed a small brook, and the bubbling reminded me of laughing babies. I followed it. Nothing bad could happen if I just followed the brook, right? Just as I skipped over a rock to cross the water, a shadow flitted across the corner of my eyes, but when I turned, all I could see was a bright green fern stretching to lick the sun.

The water ran upstream, it seemed, but I didn’t think much of it. It was as it should. Eventually I got to a waterfall that flowed upwards, but I was too preoccupied with the table laid out with every candy I could possibly imagine – and quite a bit more, I believe. Sam was there too, and another man I couldn’t really see. They were laughing. I’d never seen him that happy before.

When I approached, Sam got up and hugged me. I was so surprised I totally lost the ability to speak. He introduced me to his friend, I-I’ve forgotten his name, but he was so proud of Sam, and he told me that I was good for looking out for him. Then we gorged ourselves on candy and marshmallows and junk food, and watched cartoons and played Twister.

When I told Mom about the dream, she ruffled my hair and smiled, but under her breath she muttered: ‘That poor boy. He must be feverish –‘ But to me she said: ‘It was only a dream, honey.’

You know… I nodded, pretending I hadn’t heard her, but that’s when I understood: she believed me, even though she didn’t tell me the whole truth. I decided to ask the wisest person I knew the next day: my best friend at school, Lou. He was a year older than me, and he knew everything there was to know about everything worth knowing.” I exhale through my nose and shake my head. The picture of Lou in the schoolyard is almost absurd. And it was so long ago. How young we were.

“Lou folded his hands in his lap and looked at me with the air of a benevolent ruler who’s just about to educate his favourite subject on a very serious matter.

‘You have a soulmate,’ he said matter-of-factly. Several of the onlookers gasped. Some sniggered.

‘Nuh-huh!’ Tilly from science protested. ‘My Mom says there’s no such thing.’ We could practically hear her roll her eyes.

‘Then your Mom is wrong,’ Lou countered, and I huffed in agreement. He’d clearly won the point, even though I didn’t really know what he was talking about. ‘Just because she hasn’t got one, doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist!’

‘You know those are just stories, right?’ Maggie chimed in. She was in Lou’s year, and pretty much ruled the school. She cocked an eyebrow and crossed her arms.

“Yeah, no, I’m telling you it’s real.” I was desperate for Lou to be right; I never liked Maggie, and besides nothing would ever convince me that my dreams were just dreams.

“Well, my mom says that it’s just a fairy-tale Nana used to tell to make us go to bed without arguing.”

Lou got to his feet and crossed his arms too. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Maggie shrank back a bit, because he was like a head taller than her, and probably weighed twice as much, but it only took a second or two for her to bounce back, with Tilly in tow.

I don’t remember what Tilly said, but I do remember throwing a few punches. It’s a miracle we didn’t all get suspended. Got detention, though. And it felt so unfair. Because Tilly deserved everything she got. She was a despicable… Anyway. I went home and asked Mom. Mostly because I was sure the teacher was going to tell her what the fight was about anyway, so I figured I’d beat her to it.

The answer I got wasn’t what I expected. I think I thought she was going to deny it and tell me my mind was running away with me again, and that Lou shouldn’t have lied like that. But she sat me down and ran a hand through her hair. ‘It’s a controversial topic,’ she began, ‘and many believe it’s untrue, or that it’s a threat to free will. It’s a rare condition. That’s why we don’t talk about it. But wouldn’t it be wonderful to know someone out there is made for you?’

‘Like you and Dad?’ I asked, rubbing the bruise on my forehead.

She looked at me with tears in her eyes. ‘Honey, I… your father and I kept it quiet because… well, you see, your father and I weren’t – I never had the dreams, though he did. We worked hard to make it… work, and we never thought that… because we, uh, sorta thought it would… uh, that it would…’ She obviously struggled to speak about it. In hindsight I realise that it hurt her greatly, but back then I was just a stubborn brat with insensitive questions.

Trying her best to swallow the lump in her throat so that I didn’t see, she coughed, and moved the cushion half an inch to the right, then back again. ‘It seems silly now,’ she continued after a while. ‘Thinking his soulmate would appear just from us talking about it… As if we could keep him away just by keeping quiet,’ she added with a huff, more to herself than me. “Anyway… those dreams… yes. Sam’s your soulmate, but I can’t tell you when – if – you’ll meet him. Nature is, I wouldn’t exactly call it evil, maybe more tricky. And there hasn’t been much research on the subject, since it’s pretty rare to begin with, and… well, since it’s about love and all. But I think I read somewhere that it’s most likely hereditary. There was a research paper published, I think about twenty years ago, that claimed that only males carry the gene, but I’m not sure. I don’t know.’ Her voice was soft and airy, more vulnerable than I expected a Mother to be.

Mom always did that when she was sad: spoke to me like I was a grown-up, and I always nodded and practised my “understanding” face, but truth be told I didn’t understand half of what she said.

What I did understand, though, was that Sam, the boy I’d been dreaming about my whole life was real, and that one day I might meet him. That thought made me giddy and warm inside, and I couldn’t wait for us to play together. I was only nine, mind you. Uh… May I please have a glass of water?” My voice crack, and he slowly gets to his feet. I use the few seconds alone to wiggle the rope a little further.

When he gets back he watches me with… almost fearful eyes, and he gently helps me to drink. The water is cold and refreshing, and I gulp it down greedily. He wipes my chin, and then sits back down. “Now continue.”

“Right.” I want to ask him why, but I don’t think it’ll do me any good. “The years passed, and I no longer wanted to play with Sam. Somewhere deep in my brain the seed that had been planted when I was born began to grow and bloom.

Mom never mentioned anything about soulmates again, and I quickly learned not to bring it up at school unless I wanted to be ridiculed and laughed at. But the dreams continued.

When I was thirteen, and just starting to figure out my feelings and getting confused with more of them, I had this dream that really stuck with me for a long time. I think it was in September, and I remember I struggled with school a bit at that time. Anyway. In this dream, Sam and me, we were at a museum.

I wasn’t entirely sure how we got there, nor did I know exactly where we were, but I also did know that we were in San Francisco, and this was the gigantic Prehistory Museum that obviously had to be there, since that was where we were. Which is funny, because I’ve never been to San Francisco. Incidentally this was when I learned how to pronounce pterodactyl, heh…”

He gives me a dark look, and I hurry to continue my story.

“This museum, it was, I don’t know, round-ish… the huge cylindrical core was made up of glass, the hundreds of windows gave us glimpses of the exhibitions inside, and we strolled down along the walkway that wound itself around it like a giant vine. It felt like walking through a rainforest – everything was so green and lush.

Each floor was home to a new exhibition, and even though quite a few of them looked interesting – I never really got over my dinosaur phase – we didn’t feel like leaving our jungle path. The rooms were too crowded, or too loud, or both, and we just wanted to be together.

Once we stopped by a souvenir cart, and Sam bought me a miniature model of an ichthyosaur skeleton, and I bought him a lollipop in all the colours of the rainbow, because that was what he wanted more than anything.

We didn’t say much, for what felt like forever. Occasionally Sam would stop and point at something new or unusual, and sometimes we’d get distracted by a sound or the sight of traffic outside, but it only took seconds and then we were back together again on the neverending carpeted spiral.

At one point, Sam’s hand brushed mine, and we both jumped. He coughed and hummed, I blushed like I’d never touched another human being before, and then we both looked away. It was the best feeling in the world: my heart hammered, I was on the verge of throwing up, yet I was floating just a couple of inches above the ground, because I knew what was coming.

A wave of courage hit me, and I reached for Sam’s hand just as he reached for mine. The moment we touched the world went darker, as if the sun suddenly went down, but then thousands of tiny lights blinked all around us. One of the lights landed on my nose, and I squinted to look at the firefly. When I looked up again, Sam was closer than he was before. I’m pretty sure there were fireworks too. Wind lifted my hair, and I closed my eyes and leaned in – only to be interrupted by a loud screech from the velociraptor exhibit. We turned our backs to it, but the sound continued, so I opened my eyes and cursed loudly. I was back in my bed, the alarm clock shrieked at me, and I had two hours of history and maths waiting for me.

I think that dream lingers because most of the others were so dark and scary. I can’t tell whose dream is who’s anymore, but I remember dreaming a lot about those yellow eyes. Especially in combination with black smoke and a smell that stung my nose. And sometimes I would comfort Sam, or he would comfort me, and I would wake up with tears in my eyes. I guess it was because our minds were getting used to each other. I dunno.

There were a lot of monsters. But sometimes, sometimes… I recognise the dream as fully mine.” I close my eyes and dip further into the memory. “I don’t know why I was crying. Maybe it was just that time of the month, maybe something horrible had happened that I couldn’t remember, or maybe I was just exhausted from Mom’s constant talk about college. The applications were written, but I didn’t know where I wanted to go – or even what I wanted to do. At any rate the tears wouldn’t stop falling, and soon I sat in a big puddle of water that rose higher with every plop. Kinda like Alice in Wonderland. Heh… that was one of my favourite books when I was little.” I open my eyes and sigh. I feel like crying now. But I guess it won’t do me any good.

With another sigh, I continue; “Suddenly an arm snaked around my shoulder, and Sam’s head leaned against mine. ‘I’m here.’ No questions, no fussing. He knew what I needed: company and silence. I didn’t even have to say thank you, but I tried anyway.

My voice was too raw, no sound would come, but Sam nodded and pulled me closer. ‘Any time,’ he said, and that was it.

We sat for a while, watching the world scuttle past. Piles of baked goods appeared and disappeared again. A small monkey walked on ropes between two dumpsters. In the shadows I’m pretty sure I saw Ross Geller hunt for rats, but I didn’t say anything because it looked like he didn’t want to be disturbed.

Breathing out, I noticed my cheeks were dry: all that was left of my tears was a dull aching in my temples.

The clouds shifted, and we sat inside a rainbow, floating high above the grassy fields I recognised from that school trip in fourth grade when André and Lionel scared half the class by finding a huge slug and running after all the girls with the poor creature dangling from their hands.

‘It’s a nice memory,’ Sam said after a while.

‘Yes. It is,’ I replied, not knowing what else to say. I turned towards him to ask about his school trips, but he was gone. His warmth and scent lingered, but the place he’d been sitting in was empty. I missed him.

That was the last time I saw him for a long while. I guess I was busy with school, and I don’t remember dreaming much at all. Got a boyfriend, though it didn’t last long, because he found out about Sam. Read it in my diary, I guess. Wasn’t too upset to see him leave. He wasn’t too interesting anyway.

But when I was… around twenty, I had another dream. As I drifted off to sleep I felt the fabric of reality stretch around me, and I let it, knowing it would soon settle again. I wasn’t afraid.” Not like now, I almost add, but I bite my tongue. I don’t want to show that… that creep… that I’m scared of him.

“The darkness faded and revealed a rolling meadow filled with all the flowers I’d ever heard of. And probably a few I hadn’t. I immediately recognised the place: it was my safe space. My Ghibli meadow. I’d watched “Spirited Away” with a reverence bordering a religious experience not long before. Nothing could hurt me here.

The sound of the summer breeze harmonised with the birds as the familiar sounds and smells brought me home. Finally I could breathe.

Soon it became clear to me that I wasn’t alone as I expected, and I looked around with my heart pounding in my chest. The colours paled and the shadows lengthened – and then I spotted him: standing a little way away, looking curious and almost shy for intruding.

My heart slowed as I realised who it was, and I smiled and beckoned him over. ‘Hey, Sam,’ I whispered as he came closer, knowing he could hear me. Around us the colours grew stronger again, and warmer, and the sun rose higher in the sky.

Now, I didn’t know much about Sam, I still don’t, but I knew he had a troubled soul. It wasn’t hard to see. Hell, I didn’t even know his face, but I knew he was tall, and I knew that he was beautiful, both inside and out. Even here I had to bend my neck back to look up at him.

‘Hey,’ he said, giving me chills from the big grin in his voice.

‘Haven’t seen you around in a while,’ I replied, hoping he’d detect the longing in my voice.

He looked away into the distance. ‘I know. Things have been… busy. So this is… this is you, huh?’ I thought I could detect guilt in his voice, but I was never good with people, so I didn’t say anything. Instead I focused on the curiosity in his mind, and how warm it made me feel. The flowers around us rustled proudly.

‘This is me.’ I let out my arms and spun around on the spot, almost stumbling over an overgrown bush of berries.

Sam smiled. I could feel it in the sunshine. ‘This is…’ He paused. ‘Nice. It’s nice.’

It was so good to see him again, to be with him. We walked for a while, talking about nothing and everything. He picked a flower and placed it behind my ear, and I blushed furiously.

I desperately wanted to kiss him, but he held back on me. I didn’t understand why, because I saw the same connection we’d always had, but I figured he had his reasons, so…

Well, after we passed the small cabin where I used to go to sort my thoughts, another woman joined us. Um, not joined as such. She wasn’t really there, more of a fleeting ghost or projection of a thought. I’d never seen her before, but her name was clear in Sam’s mind. Jessica. He called her Jess.  And she called to him, and… Sam just… he faded. I…” The memory still stings in my chest. I don’t know if it’ll ever go away. I swallow and blink to stop my tears. He dabs my eyes with the sleeve of his sweater, and stretches. He yawns, and then his stomach growls.

“Go on,” he murmurs. “I wanna hear the rest of it, before…” he trails off, leaving me confused. What has he planned?

“I hated that woman for ages. She appeared in almost every dream we shared. She stole my Sam. But… I knew she made him happy, so somewhere, deep inside – I would never have admitted it then – I was grateful. Dean had… Dean had all but disappeared from Sam’s dreams, and when he did pop up it was usually to argue. At least Jess kept him company. And his dreams were… nice. No monsters, no darkness. But my dreams changed too. They lost their colours. They felt colder too. Once, Sam asked me about it. He said he’d noticed, but I turned away and didn’t answer him.

For a while I dreaded going to sleep. I didn’t want to see her again. Didn’t want to carry that feeling of, of betrayal. I wasn’t… angry… at Sam. I was disappointed, sure, but I didn’t own him. No, I was pissed at the universe for punching me in the gut like that.

Then suddenly, the dark dreams returned. The fire too. It was stronger, burned hotter. I could see the outline of a woman in the flames. Her face was contorted in pain, and her blood trickled down the walls.” I shudder. It had dawned on me one morning, after watching her maimed, burning body, that the woman was Jessica, and that she probably was dead in a fire. My heart had bled for Sam that day. Still does.

“I can barely talk about this. Please. I gotta… I gotta…” I lean back and rest my head on the back of the chair. “It was bad, okay? I don’t know what happened to Sam. He was so happy, and then almost nothing but demons and blood and monsters under the bed. And the torture. Oh god, the torture. I could almost feel how Sam’s limbs were ripped apart and put together again. They plucked out his eyeballs over and over. Cut him, bled him dry… I feel like throwing up just by thinking about it. The images are seared into my brain, and I wish to god they weren’t!

In the beginning, I tried to reach out to him, and occasionally he’d welcome my light, as he put it. He said I made the suffering bearable, but as time went on, he stopped responding to me. And then… nothing. Nothing at all, for a whole year!” My voice breaks and my heart with it.

“It was nothing like before when I didn’t dream about him. Then I’d sorta sense him; know he was there, doing his thing, you know? But now? It was as if he didn’t exist. That was the longest year of my life. What if something happened to him? What if he died?”

He laughs as if the thought amuses him, and I suppress the urge to spit in his face. Yeah, there’s no such thing as monsters, but he’s one alright! Twisted and vile. And there’s no one here to stop him. And if I get my hands free? What can I hope to do?

“My heart longed for Sam, but after so long without anything, I started thinking I’d made it all up. Yeah. I’m an idiot. I should’ve -- But I… I started to come to terms with the thought that maybe he was… The whole romance thing, the idea of soulmates – what kind of nonsense… I mean, not everybody has one, right? But I started questioning it: like what made a soulmate a soulmate and not just two people that were so very in love?

Sure, you have the dream thing, but they say we only dream about people we already know or have seen, so it might as well be a dream about that plumber you saw that one time you went with your mom to work. But then there were the thing with the faces… yeah… I didn’t really believe my own doubts, but I worked so hard on pretending I did, that I forgot. So when the dreams returned, I almost spooked myself awake.

Yeah, the dreams came back. Just as suddenly as they’d stopped. And it was worse than any horror film. They hurt, physically and mentally. Like someone pressed a hot nail into my brain. There was light flashing in front of my eyes, and sometimes it was pitch black, and we could hear something scuttling past just outside our reach.

I remember squeezing Sam’s hand once, and he yelped as if it hurt him. It was all dark around us, and there was not a sound except for the soft pitter-patter of rain on the lawn – no, that wasn’t it.  That was the sound of footsteps. Naked feet slapping silently against concrete floors. I grabbed Sam’s other hand. He was totally calm, but he squeezed my hand in a quiet gesture of safety.  Whatever this creature was, he wasn’t afraid of it. But Something was coming, and Something was going to bring Sam to his knees. I just knew it.

And when it came… oh jeez… ‘You’re a freak, Sammy. A monster. You should’ve died!’ Just the voice was enough to make Sam crumple to the ground. Dean appeared in a haze, his face distorted, but I could see the disappointment still. But it wasn’t him. I knew Dean. He loved his brother – deeply. He would never. NEVER. Say something to hurt him. But Sam never saw this false image. He cowered on the floor, his face buried in his knees and his arms around his head. He was… was rocking back and forth, and I know he was crying. I could feel it. And every word from Dean cut him open.

There wasn’t much I could do. He wouldn’t acknowledge me anymore, but I stroked his hair and told him he was perfect, and he flinched away from me. I told him to not listen to the creature that had taken his brother’s face, but I think he closed his mind to me.

I felt him crumble. I stumbled over his frail form in the darkness, terrified and frozen.

I kinda didn’t recognise him. Sure, he had the same silhouette, and the same homely smell surrounded us, but it was as if he didn’t see me. No: he ignored me on purpose, flinching away when I got too close.

‘Sam,’ I said, trying to keep desperation from my voice. ‘It’s me.’

The only response I got was a low hum, and him leaning away slowly.

‘Hey,’ I tried, softer this time. ‘You don’t have to be afraid of me. I won’t hurt you.’ Why he would be scared of me was a mystery, but the claustrophobic weight of panic descended on us. I could hardly breathe.

‘You’re not real,’ he whispered hoarsely, and I wondered if he’d been screaming. Maybe he was hurt – or ill. He did rub his hand as if it was painful.

‘Are you hurt?’ I asked, reaching for his hand, but he snatched it out of my reach.

‘Not real.’

‘I am real,’ I countered. ‘But this is a dream, so…’ I cut myself off. I wasn’t making it any better. Suddenly Sam started to fade from me. I caught a glimpse of what looked like charred wings before I was engulfed in freezing flames. I woke up panting hard and still feeling the cold spreading over my skin. My heart was dancing in my chest, and high-pitched ringing filled my ears.

It’s hard to separate one dream from another. They continued for a long time. Nothing but fear and confusion, and sometimes cold fury. He was hunkered down in a corner, trying to hide from something. Despair and anger radiated from the shivering pile, but it was so dark I couldn’t see him properly. Still, I knew it was him. The familiar feeling of a tether drew me to him. ‘Sam?’ I asked, as quietly and gently as I could, just as I always did.

His head snapped up, confused by the new presence, but he recognised me too. I think. ‘Who are you?’

Once again he broke my heart. ‘It’s me; Y/N.’ We’d been through this a thousand times, and I didn’t understand how I hadn’t just given up yet. But the bond between us was so strong I don’t think I could have, even if I tried.

‘You’re not real,’ he replied. ‘You’re created to make me… to punish me for…’ He was suddenly on his feet, and I could see he was falling apart. His clothes were torn, and the rags were swaying in a wind that wasn’t there. He had burn marks on his arms, and his face was gaunt and grey.

‘Get away from me!’ There was so much pain in his voice I almost started crying. His words punched me in the stomach, and for a second it was so, so hard to breathe. I felt ill. Frost rose from his mouth, and darkness swirled around us again. Howling winds brought a cold that froze our bones, and I just couldn’t seem to warm up despite the fact that there was a fire burning in front of us.

‘Sammy, Sammy, Sammy,’ a mocking voice sneered. ‘She’s just as real as I am.’

Sam fell to his knees again and started muttering. ‘Go away, go away, go away…’

So yeah… that was a fun time. But I think he got better. He doesn’t avoid me any more. The monsters are still there, but Sam’s stronger now. Still sad, still haunted, but he’s almost back to his normal self. Back to his kind, caring self. I… I have this dog I dream about sometimes, and when they meet, Dog really lights up, and Sam can spend hours playing with him. But I’m…” I look away. The past is hard, yeah, but it’s the past.  Knowing what comes next is… I’m getting desperate. “I’ve tried to ask him where he is. If we can meet, but I never remember his answer when I wake up. And.. I-I think I might never meet him in reality, you know? So when I saw that bar in his dream, and I actually remembered and knew where it was, I…” I give him a flat look. “Yeah. I’m starting to think that was a mistake.”

He’s not gonna let me go. I can see it in his eyes. And now that my story is finished, well… I might not take him out, but at least I can leave a few scratches on his face: I’ve almost managed to work my hands free. Just a few more minutes…

It’s difficult to decipher the look on his face. Fear? Nah, that can’t be it. Pity, maybe. “Aw,” he says after a short pause. “That’s a nice story. I’ll make sure to tell him if I ever run into Sammy-boy. Hell, it almost made me feel for you. But,” he continues with a creepy smile that doesn’t reach his eyes at all, “I’m still gonna eat’cha!”

What??? His statement takes a moment to reach my brain, I mean, really reach my brain, and in that short time a second, pointy, set of teeth has descended over his normal ones, except that is impossible and I definitely need to get my head checked.

I blink, and he’s moved to my throat – what the hell? Does this dude think he’s a vampire or something? Ow! That really hurts! I think I’m bleeding, and… Suddenly he flinches, and he looks up at me with hungry eyes and a wicked grin. “Don’t go anywhere,” he says and there’s blood dribbling down from the corner of his mouth. I giggle. He’s a messy eater – I think I’m gonna throw up, or faint, or… yeah, fainting sounds good right now, and I can sorta feel the floor crash into my head as I topple off the chair, but I really don’t care. I just wanna rest. This has been a crazy day!

When I come to, I’m lying on my back and there’s someone standing over me, pressing something to my neck. I don’t think it’s the same guy.

“Hey, hey… there you go. Wake up. Can you do that for me? Open your eyes?”

His voice is pleasant and feels kinda familiar, but I can’t place it, and I’m too tired to ask. But I do as he tells me, because I want to make him happy; blink a couple of times and shake my head – ow, that hurts!

“Careful. You’ve lost a bit of blood, and you hit your head pretty hard. But you were lucky. That sonofabitch didn’t have time to make a proper incision, so he only drank a little…”

What the hell is he talking about? Oh. Yeah. Crazyboy. The one I thought were going to show me a good time, but instead tried to… eat me. Excellent. I groan and scoot up so the pain in my back goes away.

The skin is raw where the rope cut into me, and I rub it gently, whining from the pain. Nimble hands put a bandage over the cut on my neck, and I try to stretch a bit.

“Sit still, please. I gotta see your hands too.” His fingers brush gently over the bruises, and he wraps a strip of fabric around my wrist. To protect me from infection, I guess, but I get a sudden flash of being tied down, and throw my hands up. I don’t know, maybe I hope to punch him in the nose or something.

He backs away and holds up his own hands. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to startle you. I won’t hurt you. I promise.”

Looking up at my saviour through shielding hands, I see kindness in his eyes. He is oddly familiar, and though I think I’m supposed to be terrified, and I am, I feel unusually calm and collected.

Then I spot the other guy over his shoulder and the world grounds to a halt. Looking from one to another, back and forth, my mind spins so fast I get dizzy. Could this be real? I know I’m not dreaming... but… Standing in the doorway with a goddamn machete swung nonchalantly over his shoulder, is Dean. Dean from my dreams. Brother of…

“Sam?” I whisper, scared that he’ll disappear once I’ve said his name out loud.

He looks at me, the confusion evident in his face – that face I’ve never seen before this moment, but that I’ve loved with all of my heart. His brows knit together, and his lips part slightly – my god, those lips… and he kneels beside me. The cogs in his brain turn furiously. I can see it. Then he lights up. “Y/N?”

“What, Y/N? Like Y/N?” Dean drops the machete and hurries over.

Unable to keep a smile from my face, I nod and roll onto my knees. Before I can stack my feet under me, Sam takes my hand and pulls me up.

“Y/N…” he repeats almost inaudibly. “I half thought you didn’t exist at all.”

Sam smiles at me and my heart soar. It’s like coming home after a long and gruelling hike in the woods. I can relax. And breathe.

I lean closer and Sam follows suit. The moment our foreheads touch, I swear angels sing – even if it sounds tacky!

“This is so weird,” Sam whispers, sending shivers through my whole body. “We just met, but I’ve known you since… always…”

Just as I’m about to answer with something really cheesy, Dean appears in the corner of my eye. “Oooh! Are you gonna kiss now?”

Sam’s face contorts into an expression only ever seen on fed-up little brothers, but I grin widely and reply: “Bitch, we might.”

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