#nimiwrites

[cravingmarvel]

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Pairing: Bucky Barnes AU x Fem!Reader Warnings: Attempted Suicide, Talk About Suicide, Hinted Eating Disorder, A Lot Of Swearing, Being Mean And Vicious. (If you have any issue with the warnings I would highly suggest you stay away from this!) Summary: This is not a love story A/N: This is a little one shot I wrote because I am sad. This is a lot to handle, so please make sure you read the warnings!!

Please leave some feedback and remember to Reblog! Have fun!

MASTERLIST

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You walked through the hallways, wanting to get a new bottle of water for your room. It never occurred to you to take the entire six pack since none of the other Avengers liked sparkling water.

The low lights running through the hallways marked the end of the day, everyone asleep and the tower so quiet you heard your footsteps bouncing off the walls. It is strange, walking around this late. The rush of the day gone, former deadly assassins and war heroes all slumbering in peace. Or so you thought.

You turned the corner, whispers and whimpers cutting through the deadly silence.

You knew exactly who it was as you walked up to his room. Bucky was wide awake.

It crossed your mind to knock or at least ask F.R.I.D.A.Y what was going on behind the door, but the fear of being shoved away verbally concerned you. It is far too dangerous not to take immediate action.

So, you turned the handle, pushing the door inside gently, the painful voice of Bucky Barnes getting clearer; he was in pain. Quietly, you closed the door, watching as Bucky stood at the window, his back to you, shoulders shaking.

There was something eerie about this situation, something very wrong. You have heard him being in internal pain before, his cries for help, someone to take the evil out of his brain, but no one could do anything but to tell him he will be alright. Those demons come out quite a lot and it is always just as painful as the last time.

You inched closer to him, whispering. “Bucky.”

His shoulders stiffened, his cries disappearing in the air with one last echo. Bucky turned and your blood ran cold.

His face glistened with tears; he must have been crying for a while. His sweater confirming it with stains. In his hand, a gun. You assumed it was loaded.

Your eyes widened, the man you have come to adore more than a friend, now stood in front of you, ready to fire that gun. “What are you doing?” You said, a little firmer this time, in need for the answer to confirm what your brain was telling you.

“Just stay away. Get out.” Bucky said, your eyes widening.

Now you could not go, even though he did not say it, you knew he wanted to point that gun to his head. You inched closer once more, trying your best to close the distance between you and Bucky, without being invasive.

He let you.

Though he was still stiff, he let you touch his wrists, keeping his hands steady where they are. You are not stronger than him, but you wanted to try.

You looked away from the gun, looking into his eyes. The red rim around them, fresh tears falling. You felt powerless. But you wanted to try.

“Please don’t.”

“Why not?” Bucky fired back.

“Because there are a lot of people here that don’t want to see you dead. A lot of friends who do not want to discover your lifeless body in the morning. And I don’t either.” You squeezed his wrists.

“I don’t care, y/n. I want out, I can’t do this anymore.” Bucky’s words turned to a whisper, almost unable to detect.

“It doesn’t matter what happened and it doesn’t matter what will happen, all that does matter is right now, Bucky. Stop being so selfish.” You knew it would hurt one way or another and you saw it in his face. “No matter what you tell yourself, there are people who care if your alive. I know you want out, but this will only inflict permanent damage to the people around you.”

Bucky closed his eyes, tilting his head up. “I don’t have a reason to stay.”

“Yes, you do. Think about all the books you have not read, the stories you have not told. Think about the family you will never have if you do this. Bucky-“ You let go of his wrists, holding his face, forcing him to look at you. “- Your life isn’t over just yet, Buck. I know it’s hard, but it’s better to feel pain than nothing at all. Me and all the others will be here for you every step of the way.”

You took the gun in your hands, slowly placing it on his desk next to you. Bucky leaned closer to you and you wrapped your arms around him, running your hand up and down his back. Both of you stood like this for a moment, embracing each other. Letting the silence wash over you and just be here.

Unwrapping your arms from his body, you took his hands in yours, leading Bucky to the on-suit bathroom.

You gestured for him to sit on the edge of the bathtub.

Once you pulled his sweater over his head he apologized, looking up at you. A sting ran through your heart, you never wanted to see someone like this, like you did a few years back. Broken to pieces, without a cure to piece them together. A hole inside your soul, taken away by years and years of pain and suffering. A time you would never get back.

You ran your hand through his hair, smiling weakly to reassure him that you were ok.

Once you fished a new sweater from the bottom drawer of his dresser, you pulled it over him. Bucky leaned his forehead on you stomach, holding you with his arms around your middle. You knew it was shame, that he was hiding from judgement.

“You decided to live tonight and that’s all that matters to me, Bucky.” You cradled his head, holding him close to you.

You held him that entire night, making sure he knew. You wanted him to know that you were present. And you were, until the morning sun broke through the night.

-

A week after that night you encouraged him to go out, to get in the crowd and meet new people. You were afraid he would dress himself with sweatpants for the rest of his life, so you helped him put on something more complementing to him.

He went to a local bar, without the whole Avenger entourage, he was almost invisible, blending in with the people around him.

That is when he met Jenna.

A woman out with her friends, celebrating her birthday. More enticing than you will ever be, you thought as you met her for the first time.

Bucky had thanked you, because without your encouragement he would not have met her.

Did you regret it? Yes. Did you feel guilty about it? Absolutely.

Why should your happiness be any more important than his?

They were happy.

-

It did not seem like a big deal, but Jenna was everywhere. Whichever turn you took, a room you entered, she was there. Sometimes sitting on Bucky’s lap, sometimes close to chest laying on the couch. The only room she did not invade was your own.

The guilt washed over you, Bucky could be incredibly happy with Jenna, possibly for the rest of his life. Is that not what you wanted than night he decided to stay?

You spend your days in your room, only coming out if you felt like facing the pain of your heard dying once more.

This was one of them, standing in the kitchen, preparing food you had no interest in eating, but knowing you eventually had to.

The hole in your stomach grew wider with every second of the day, but you could ignore it, you had spent your teenage years training for you to do so. This sandwich you prepared was sorely because Tony told you to, he always noticed when your body looked more fragile than it had a few days prior.

“Y/n!”

You turned to see Jenna walking towards you, her perfect curves agonizing you. “Jenna.” You gave the sandwich your full attention again.

“I just wanted to thank you, for moving Bucky to leave this tower. Without you, I would have never met him.”

There was a small part of you, a tiny voice echoing in your brain telling you to throw the sandwich away. “Sure, no problem.” You were glad she did not see your hands shaking or the food you had just made being thrown away as she turned and walked out.

You were happy for Bucky, but not Jenna.

-

The coffee you were holding in your hands cooled down quicker than you wanted to. Staring off to the distance, out to the city beyond the glass.

It had been exactly a month now since that night. Jenna was usually the one helping James through his nightmares while you stood outside the door, feeling useless in his life.

He smiles at you now when you pass each other by in the hallways, she seems to be good for him. But that awoke an ugly part of you, a monster you could not control. Jealousy took the best of you, manifesting itself in your mind.

As the clouds thickened, painting the sky a shade of grey, you felt your heart do the same. There was really no point in opening up about how you felt.

“Y/N!”

You turned your body to the one screaming: James.

He quickly walked over to you; anger written all over him. The other Avenger sitting in the common room turned their heads to your direction quickly.

“What the fuck is this about?” He stopped right in front of you, holding the screen of his phone to your face.

Still sitting, you read the article: Bucky Barnes, The Winter Soldier, Deals With Suicidal Thoughts.

Your shoulders dropped and so did your jaw. The article was disturbing, revealing James’ mental health issues with no problems of wild interpretations thrown in there. The breath you were trying to exhale got stuck in your throat. Never did you go to the public with this and he should know you did not. Where is this coming from?

“I- I don’t know what this is, James.” You stood from your seat.

“I’ve only told you about this, y/n! You’re the only one who knows about me wanting to kill myself!” You have seen him kill other people, but now he looks more dangerous than ever.

Tony came forward, requesting to know what this was all about. James showed him the article, all eyes on you. You felt interrogated, all you did that night was help him and now he’s accusing you of telling the world about it.

“James, I swear I didn’t say anything about that night!” There it was the monster fuelling your emotions. “Why would I do that If I too have once tried to do that myself, huh?”

“It doesn’t fucking matter if you tried to kill yourself! What matters is that you went to the public talking about my problems. You hear me? My problems!”

“You are delusional! You were so selfish to try and put a bullet in your head, not giving a shit about what everyone else would feel. News flash, James, you are not the only one with problems! You ride this self-pity train for way too long, oh poor you! No wonder half the world fucking hates you, you’re a psychopath who violently murdered people including Tony’s parents!”

Your blood was boiling to a point where you could feel your skin turn red, as if it were about to melt off your skin. Your mouth spitting words without your brain cooperating. James on the other hand looked like all the blood was strained out of his veins. Mouth agape, staring at you.

“You can stop playing your victim card, James. I didn’t say shit, psycho.” You stepped out of the room, making sure to hit his arm with your shoulder.

There was someone you needed to have a talk with, someone you had a feeling could have said something: Jenna.

It is not hard to find her; James’ room was the only place she could be at right now and you were right. You took your phone out and hit record.

“What the fuck, Jenna? Why would you tell the tabloids about B-James?”

“Jesus you scared me, y/n.” Jenna chuckled, sliding off the bed, naked. She threw on one of James’ sweaters and sat on the edge of the bed. “Just between you and I? Was good money, paid me like five grands for this information.”

Jenna smiled wickedly; you felt your face fall. You ran your hands over your face dramatically.

“Don’t be upset, y/n. Once this all blows over you can take over as his therapist again.”

As if nothing happened, nothing had been said, you smiled right back at her. “Thank you, Jenna.”

-

Wasting no time for Jenna to register what had happened or what your plan was, you sprinted down to your room, packing only the necessities, everything else you planned on taking later.

With the duffel bag in one hand and your phone in the other, you walked right back into the common room. Everyone turned silent as they heard you enter, all eyes on you. But you went straight to James.

“There, next time pay better attention to who you fuck.” You pressed play, sweat collection on your body. All eyes now to your phone, Jenna’s voice piercing through the air. You knew to James, it was poison.

As soon as the recording reached its end, you put your phone into the pocket of your jacked. James stared at the spot on the table where your phone laid, he wanted to speak, opening, and closing his mouth.

But you did not give him the chance, walking out of the room, down the halls. The voices calling after you are fading with every turn you took. Soon enough you were out of there, walking down the street.

-

Time passed quickly with the move into your friends’ apartment. The decision to leave the Avenger came easily and within a week, you were no longer apart of the group you called family. The people who you thought had your back.

Your friend Adam was shocked when you told him the news, taking you in until you could afford something of your own. It was strange, indeed. A home that is not the tower was new to you. There were not people just roaming the rooms, a person always to be found somewhere within the living quarters.

The workers below the living space, swarming out of the building were swapped with elders living below you.

But despite the heartbreak you endured, you were determined to take back your live and a night out in town sounded like the best idea at the time.

With sweaty people all around you, mind fuzzy from the alcohol and the outfit you wore showing just the right amount of what you have to offer. Something he apparently did not want. You needed to have a smoke, a habit you picked back up after leaving the team. With no need to stay healthy and in shape, the need to keep your breath for fighting, the cigarettes made its way back into your life.

You shuffled through the crowd to get a breath of fresh air. The music from inside still buzzing out on the street, you had no way of hearing the car pull up beside you. Just as you were to light your cigarette, a man called your name.

You turned to see Steve walking towards you, he did not look to pleased.

“Get in the car.” He said as he put his hand on your arm, pulling you towards the direction he wanted you to go. The cigarette that was between your fingers dropped to the floor as he whisked you away.

“No, I’m not coming with you.” Despite the protests, Steve managed to seat you in one of Tony’s cars. You knew what was coming from the buildings you passed along the way. Familiar skyscrapers and shops along the street, brought you back to the place you left well behind.

The car ride was strange. For a person you have known nearly three years, the silence appeared to depict the end of that friendship.

Steve parked outside the tower and you shook your head frantically.

“Y/n, you have no idea what you’ve done. Bucky has never been this broken before and you’re going to try to fix this.”

Even though you did not want to go into that building, Steve did not let you have a say in this matter.

You walked right behind him, your heels clicking on the floor. Steve lead you to James’ room and stood aside for you to enter.

Was there a small, ever so tiny part that felt the need to apologize? Yes. But doing it is always the hard part, admitting to yourself that you’ve done something terrible.

The knock was easy, but as James gave you permission to enter, your feet seemed to be made of cement, every step heavy.

The room was dark, curtains closed to amplify the darkness, to keep any and all light out. James laid on his bed, his back turned to you.

“Steve, leave me alone.”

You inched closer, your heels giving you away. As you reached the bed, he turned around to you, but you could not make out any of his features.

“I came here to apologize.” You said, quiet.

“Get out of my room. Now.” James went back to his previous position, his voice muffled by the duvet. “I hate you, y/n. I hate you.”

For a moment it was still and silent. The salty tears falling to the floor as you stared into the darkness. A feeling of nothingness overtook you, leaving you empty in every aspect imaginable. You inched away from the bed, taking one last look into the room, despite not seeing anything.

Closing the door behind you, Steve asked you what happened, but you could do nothing but shake your head. Steve pulled you into him, embracing you. The cries that left you, agonizing in your ears.

“Can you cry somewhere else?” James called from his room.

Your stomach dropped to the floor, your heart with it. You held tighter to Steve hoping to feel something.

You wanted to feel his embrace, his warmth.

But you felt,

Numb.

- 

Fin!

A/N pt.2: Just as a disclaimer, what the reader says to Bucky in the case of her wanting him not to commit suicide, is personal to what I have been told in that situation. That is not me saying that those words will save everyone. 

If you do have issues with any type of mental disorder, please talk about it! 

Talking to a friend is the start, but talking to a professional is the goal! Stay safe and be kind.

[cravingmarvel]

This was so fun! This was my first writing challenge I agreed to and I’m so so happy I did :)

Thank you for doing this! xx 💖💛

4k Writing Challenge Masterlist

So here it is! Everyone who participated in the challenge, thank you so so much! You are all amazing writers and I love reading how your mind unravels! To all those I’ve missed, please let me know I looked through all your blogs and maybe I couldn’t find yours 

Prompt List

(Fics below the cut)

Keep reading

[parineetiofrp-archived-blog]

It had been three months, two weeks and eleven days. That long since you had walked out the door. I never understood why I wasn’t enough. Not after the way you kissed my scars... Told me that I was the only one you would ever want. I hoped you would return after work, that day, That you’d call to say that you would bring dinner So I wouldn’t have to cook. That you’d walk through the door, Kiss me like you did every night and I hoped. Foolish little me, I hoped. I thought of you last night. I hated it. I hated it because I hadn’t thought of you in a week, And suddenly, at two am, I did. And I cried. Oh, how I cried, because I didn’t know how I didn’t think of you every minute since you left. Oh, they called us dependant, and yes, They called us sickening When they saw the way we looked at each other. Yes, my heart still pounds and hurts When I think of you, and I do. I do think of you, my love, I promise I haven’t forgotten you. Last night? I thought that I could have dealt with anything. Anything but the thought of you. Because I know that you are my weakness. You will always be my weakness. And I don’t know why you’re not here. I wish you were here today. I wish you could hold me, And tell me that you would be here The minute I needed you. And I know you want to say that. The worst part of it is that I know you. I know you want to be here. But they took you away. They ripped you away from me, Kicking and screaming. And now, You're watching me. I know you are. You’re watching me, sitting up there, And you’re wondering if I was always like this. I wasn’t. It started when you walked out the door. Three months, two weeks and eleven days ago And never came back

"Three Months, Two Weeks and Eleven Days"

--n.d.

[nikithapar]

For days I simply wondered why I Unknowingly, gave you the power to Control me and then ruin me. forever. Kind of like a tattoo, forever marked by a sign of my own Youthful foolishness that Often is, as a simple fact, Undeniable.

--n.d.

[cravingmarvel]

When We Were Young - Part Three

Pairing: Bucky Barnes AU x Fem!Reader, Steve Rogers AU x Fem!Reader

Warnings: Reader being confused ab feelings but what’s new, 

Summary: Friends since they can remember and falling in love like they’re meant to. But sometimes life just isn’t what you expected. People making decisions, mistakes and saying things they shouldn’t when they’re young. When it comes to love, someone always gets hurt. Always.

A/N: Wow ok, first of all, let me just say a huge massive thank you to Mun ( @buckisthatyou​ ) and Ari ( @shurisneakers​ ) for giving me advice, criticism and wise words I needed. Without these two, this chapter wouldn’t exist now and I appreciate their opinion so so much! 🥺 Thank you all for waiting for this one I know it’s a little overdue but I have a pretty clear plan on where I want to take this series! This is part three of @spideywhiteys 1k writing celebration STILL! lmao sorry I’m dragging this out so much, love u!

As always, please reblog and comment! Enjoy!

Masterlist // Bucky Barnes Masterlist

When We Were Young ��� Part Three

I swallowed the painkiller, hoping for the pounding headache to be gone faster. Although I haven’t had anything to drink at the engagement party, Steve and I drowned our heads with multiple glasses of whiskey as the hours went on and now, I pay the price for it.

Perhaps the fact that what I had said to Bucky didn’t grand me a lot of seep adds to the hammering in my head. After getting to my hotel, my night was spend tossing and turning, tangling the sheets with my limbs, hoping that a change of position would pull me to sleep faster. Now that morning has arrived, I feel the lack of sleep mangling with my hangover, mixing in my head to form the worst headache I’ve ever experienced.

I laid back in the bed, covering my body with the soft duvet, ready to take this day as an opportunity to sleep and rest my body, before I have to catch my flight first thing in the morning.

My phone started ringing on the nightstand and I groaned, unplugging my phone from the charger and looking at the caller ID: unknown. I picked up waiting for the person on the other end to start talking.

“Y/n? This is Bucky.”

I sat up immediately, shocked to hear his voice. I knew it was him the moment he said my name. “Hey.”

“I’d like to invite you for coffee and lunch if you’d like. Just wanted to talk, y’know?”

Images of last night flashed through my head and it seemed no secret to me what he wanted to talk about. I looked out of the window to my right contemplating whether it would be a good idea to sit down with him, alone. The sun peaked through the spaces between the buildings as I had laid in bed lazily. It wouldn’t be such a bad idea to get out of this room and walk through the city, maybe even meet with Bucky.

“Sure, why not.” I replied.

“Great, uh, there’s a café called ‘bloom’ do you know it, or should I send you the location?”

“No, I can manage.”

“Great, great. So, see you there? In an hour?” Bucky questioned and I noticed the distraction in his voice and the noises in the back, he must be busy.

“Great, see you.” Not wanting to keep him occupied longer we said goodbye and I hung up, sitting in bed for a moment before it dawned on me. I’m going to lunch with Bucky, the man I had just yesterday confessed my love to.

Without wasting any time, I got ready quickly, putting on a pair of black jeans and a white t-shirt, tugging it in. I opted for a green jacket and matching coloured sneakers, ready to leave.

Pulling up the place Bucky had told me about on google maps, I grabbed my bag and walked down the many streets the gps guided me through. I had hoped he would’ve forgotten about last night and the disaster that occurred, but I hoped wrong. My nerves were growing the closer I got, and I couldn’t ignore my hands shaking, the sweat collecting on my palms.

I saw the café in the distance, scrambling up the little confidence I have and taking a deep breath in before I opened the glass door.

The small place Bucky chose was adorable, walls painted pastel pink, flowers hanging from the ceiling with strings of lightbulb shaped fairy lights. Not a place I would’ve pictured him in back in the day. I’m sure young Bucky would have make fun of the Victorian windows or the uniforms of the waiters. He wouldn’t be able to shut his mouth about it for at least a day.

I slowly looked around the room, scanning the many faces to recognize one of them as his and as I walked in further, anxiously playing with the strap of my handbag, I finally spotted him further into the room and he jumped up from his seat by the wall, a small smile gracing his lips as soon as he locked eyes with me.

All the confidence I gathered outside evaporated into thin air immediately as I reached him, unsure of what to do now.

I smiled back at him as he leaned forward to pull me into a hug. The embrace lasted seconds. If he held me this close – too close – any longer I would have moulded into his body, became one with his fingers on my back, tight muscles on his chest melted together as one. But, seconds later as we parted, I felt the air flow steadily back into my lungs.

As I sat down the weight of the moment rested on my shoulders. I haven’t sat down with Bucky like this in a long, long time, but although all these years stood between today and the last time I had seen him did nothing to the familiarity of the moment.

“What would you like, it’s on me.” He spoke as a waiter approached us and I looked at the menu briefly, catching my attention back.

“Welcome to bloom, what can I get for you?” The waiter smiled down at us. It has been a while since I had eaten anywhere else outside of my own café, the pressure of being ungodly kind a little odd from a costumer perspective.

“I’ll take a cappuccino and a grilled cheese on toast, please.” I said to him as he wrote my order down. Bucky gave the man his order, an Americano and a salad, and the waiter walked away to another table.

“I remember you eating those at my house all the time.” Bucky laughed. “Always wondered when you would get sick of them.”

“I don’t think I ever will, and your mom always made it impossible to refuse her famous grilled cheese. Can’t imagine anyone not loving your moms cooking.”

“Well, Nat rather eats at restaurants so.” Bucky shifted in his seat, clearing his throat. “Anyway.”

The awkward atmosphere carried on into an awkward silence on both parts. Bucky wiping his hands on his jeans every once in a while, looking around like he’s just as uncomfortable as me.

“So, how have you been? Steve told me you own his mom’s café now.” Bucky asked, breaking through the silence floating between us.

I nodded as our waiter came over with our order, putting our coffee and food down, smiling politely. “Thanks.” I said in an almost whisper, smiling back at him before he disappeared as quickly as he got here. “Yeah, I knew it was the right thing to do. I love that place and I have an employee, Jenna. She’s great.”

Bucky flashed me another smile. “That’s great.”

“So, how’s Hydra?” I asked as I took a bite of my toast.

“Good, good. Been… really stressful, y’know, with the wedding and all. Sorry.” A smile that didn’t reach his eyes, followed by a laugh that sounded more like a giggle. Still without feelings, but reassuring, nonetheless.

“No, it’s fine.” A heat rose to my cheeks that I tried to hide by taking a sip from my coffee hiding behind the cup. “I wanted to talk to you about what I said last night. I shouldn’t have said that.”

“Y/n, it’s fine.”

“No, that- that was when we were young. Back then.”

Bucky let his head hang, looking down to his lap. “Oh, ok yeah. I wanted to apologize anyway for what happened. I didn’t know how I felt towards you. We’ve been friends for so long that I thought it was the right thing to feel, then I met Nat.” Bucky looked back up at me and I wished he would just drop it already. “I’m sorry, for everything.”

“It’s fine.” I said a little too harsh, forcing a smile.

The waiter came back to our table once again, thankfully. “Is everything alright here?”

“Sure, yeah. Tastes great.” I said to him truthfully. The food and even the coffee did taste great, but it did make me think about my café. Obviously, nothing compares to Mrs. Rogers original coffee blend.

“Y/n, I wanted to ask.” Bucky pulled something from his jacket and laid it on the table between us. “It’s an invitation to the wedding. I really want you to come.”

“Bucky, I-“

“I’ll pay for the hotel and everything else you desire. I just need my best friend there with me.”

Best friend. At this moment I didn’t feel like his best friend, sure back then I was. Back then we would have never been this awkward, but now with all this time between us I wouldn’t call this a friendship even. A part of me wanted to decline, to get up and walk out, but another part told me to accept.

Sure, we’re not the best of friends, but we were a long time ago. I took the grey envelope, staring at it. “Ok, I’ll come, but you don’t have to pay for anything.” I looked up and for the first time since I sat down, Bucky showed a genuine bright smile.

We ate our food and surprisingly, Bucky was the one reminiscing on the old days. He recalled the day we met for the first time, saving me from those bullies. “If I hadn’t been there to save you, Y/n, you would have been screwed!”

“Oh, as if!” I looked at Bucky who raised his eyebrows at me. “Alright yeah.” Rolling my eyes at him in response, I took another sip of my coffee.

We continued to laugh at the time he saw that I had gown boobs over the winter, how poor Bucky was so flustered he couldn’t even say ‘boobs’ without stuttering over every letter. We laughed so hard, we had to cover our mouths because of all the stares from the people around us.

I noticed the stares from a few people not at our loudness but at the silver reflecting the sun rays. It was no doubt that they were staring at his left arm. It’s not like we’re kids anymore, being fascinated by the metal prosthetic.

“How’s the arm?” I asked, looking at the exposed hand.

“It’s doing alright, Stark’s thinking about replacing this one though. Something a little less reflecting.” We erupted in laughter as Bucky turned his hand to cast a blinding reflection at the ceiling. “That and Nat is a little freaked out by it.”

“Why?” I knitted my eyebrows together.

“Well, she just wants something less attention grabbing.” Bucky looked into my eyes and without him having to say it, I knew how much it actually hurt him, despite brushing it off as a joke. He was always bad at playing up a façade, his eyes giving away everything that needed to be said, calling him out almost. It was his weakness. Not the arm, but his eyes. Luckily for him, only a few figured this out, the language his deep blue eyes spoke.

We steered the conversation back to something more cheerful, catching up on our very different experiences of uni. Steve has already filled him in on all the shenanigans we got up to. It was this, the past, that had awoken a lightness from a seemingly decade long sleep, to rise between us. Rivalling the sun, begging for a moment in the spotlight.

It must’ve been around noon as we finished our food and coffee. Bucky asked me if I wanted something else, but I knew that I had to leave, to end this right here. But a desire for him to ask again, to keep me in his company withheld my answer.

I needed to call Jenna, I said to him and he nodded in response. We stood outside the café saying our goodbyes before parting ways.

I walked down the street, pulling my phone out of my handbag, dialling Jenna’s number

The sun set behind the buildings of London, declaring the end of another day and another day done for Y/n. The calm pace of the city didn’t match that of the growing crowd in Captain’s Coffee Cup. Hectic customers running in ordering coffee to go and leaving just as quickly with their paper cups in hand, dispersing into the streets.

For Y/n it meant that she had to be quick on her feet, almost transporting to different places in an alarming pace. She had no explanation on hand as to why it was so busy that day, a weekday, but morning to evening busy all the same. It’s indeed worse on the weekend and every Saturday she woke with her back and knees already screaming in pain.

The constant switching between taking orders, making them and bringing the ones to the table that were enjoying their coffee in the café. Y/n could not decide if her feet hurt more than her back or vice versa. Being the only waitress and barista made for an interesting challenge and she had no idea what losing Steve as a partner would mean.

But as the day finally came to an end, she thanked the sun for going down after all. Y/n was busy cleaning tables, putting up chairs, cleaning the floors and the bar on top of all the things she needed to do at the end of another shift. After three hours of resetting the events that occurred at the café, she was glad to take her apron off.

A tiny detail Y/n almost always forgot was the paperwork, so with a huff and a groan, she took herself to the back and into the office to do the managing side of the job that she hated.

And upon almost falling asleep on the desk, an idea struck her, hiring someone would take away half the work Steve did. Someone who would help her out without doing the paperwork.

So, she got right to work and wrote down on paper an ad for the position.

Y/n hung the ad on the door of the café in hopes that someone walking down the streets would see it and apply, that even just one applicant would help her out.

But that’s not what happened. Seemingly a dozen applications were either handed to her personally or ended up in her mailbox. Y/n had a hard time believing that so many would consider working at the café, but she was indeed grateful.

After work she piled through the applications and that’s when it dawned on her; she had no idea who or what qualifications she was looking for. Y/n has never been a leader, someone to tell other people what to do. The challenge of finding people to work for her ended up being quite a difficult task, but she took in on, nonetheless.

Y/n narrowed it down to ten applicants, inviting them to an interview, day after day a new person to question and day after day another one eliminated. Y/n was sure to give up at this point, the process taking more time than expected, but that day Jenna walked in, second to last applicant to be interviewed.

Y/n saw it as she sat down with Jenna that she was send from god herself. Experience in both being a waitress and a barista, but the best part was, she knew how to manage a café and that was a quality none of the other applicants had.

Beside her qualifications, she was sunshine personified. Bright and motivating, both headstrong and polite. Y/n couldn’t have wished for anyone better than Jenna and the qualifications translated from paper better than expected.

Soon Y/n and Jenna became close friends after working four months together. It was more a partnership than Jenna ever being an employee. She brought something to the table that Y/n wanted to learn from and quickly realized that instead of bossing her around, she could open her ears and listen to what she suggests, open her eyes and watch her work to learn more.

Because after all, Jenna was the one with more experience and Y/n appreciated the bond that formed, hanging out after work sometimes a bottle of alcohol between them as they sat on the counter talking for hours on end.

It was one of those nights, a bottle of rather expensive liquor, a luxury they could afford and talking about university. Jenna telling her about the shenanigans she had done in her days, but she always knew she wanted to work at a café, despite the reputation. Jenna confessed to her, her wish of having a café of her own and Y/n’s heart bloomed.

It was getting late and Y/n offered to call a cab for Jenna, but she declined.

“My girlfriend is picking me up.” She said as she put her coat on, throwing her purse over her shoulder as the little bell over the door chimed.

A petite woman walked in, confidence in her step. Her hair free laying atop her shoulders, her skin a dark tone of ebony just like Jenna’s. She smiled as Jenna walked towards her, pulling her into a tight hug, followed by a kiss.

“Y/n, this is my girlfriend, Dina.” Jenna said turning, keeping her hand on Dina’s back.

Y/n was slightly confused but still shook her hand introducing herself. It wasn’t the shock that Jenna was gay, it was that she had never mention Dina. Y/n was never one to judge, that much she learned from life. It was the fact that Y/n worried Jenna couldn’t confine in her about her relationship, but it wasn’t that, Jenna said to her later, she needed confirmation that she could trust Y/n completely.

Y/n went home that night thinking about the trip to New York she would endure in a month time. If only she had a love like Jenna and Dina, the happiness they radiated was something Y/n has never experienced. The only thing she could compare to that kind of love was the love she had for the café.

“Hey Y/n, what’s up?” Jenna spoke on the other end and I was so glad to hear her voice again.

“Hey, sorry didn’t think about time zones.” I laughed as I remembered that it must be around eight pm in London, afraid to be intruding her night time routine.

“No problem I’m just in the bath. So, what’s going on in New York?”

“Well, I went to the engagement party and it didn’t go all too well.” I sighed into the phone, slowly strolling along the buildings beside me. The was no need to pretend I had called for another reason in the first place.

“Oh god, what happened? What did he do?”

“No, it’s more something I did.” I bit my lip, knowing full well she wouldn’t be too impressed with my confession or the reason why I called her. Jenna was silent waiting for me to go on. “Well, I kinda told him that I loved him, back then of course I’m not that big of an idiot.”

“Oh, shit.” She blurted out.

“Yeah, and now he asked me to stay here to attend the wedding as well.” My feet carried me along the sidewalk without me thinking about it. The headache forming back again in my brain made the sun shining between the concrete skyscrapers a curse.

“What are you going to do?” Her voice sounding more concerned on the other end.

“I told him I’ll attend the wedding, but if you need me at the café I’ll catch the next flight-“

“No.” Jenna said, interrupting me through my stutter of words and excuses. I stopped walking, giving her my full attention. “It’s not that, I’m just worried about you digging yourself a deeper hole.”

“What do you mean?”

Jenna exhaled. “Every time you talked about Bucky the feelings you had for him didn’t seem to be in the past. I’m worried you’re doing him a favour that will break your heart.”

I felt bad, dragging her into my life like this, having her worry about my life when she had her own to live. I picked up my pace again, dragging my feet along the sidewalk. “But maybe this is a good way for me to end this chapter. To move on with my life because frankly, Bucky is in love with Natasha and I can’t just run away pretending that she never happened.”

“Maybe, but don’t get too involved. Go to the wedding, have fun and then go back to your life. If you want I could come to New York and ask Dina to-“

It was my time to interrupt her. “No, I can’t ask that of Dina.” I shook my head.

“Ok, fine, but Dina is helping me out at the café anyway, been stressful alone, don’t know how you managed to do it so long.” Jenna chuckled and I heard the admiration in her voice, filling my chest with pride.

“Yeah, me neither, but let me pay her for her work, I won’t take ‘no’ for an answer.” I knew Dina would refuse, but I just couldn’t let her work for nothing. That woman has more energy that Jenna and I combined, and her kindness shouldn’t be just swept under the rug.

“Alright, take care of yourself, Y/n. Enjoy New York, you deserve it.”

“Thank you, Jenna. Tell Dina ‘hi’ from me and ‘thank you’.”

“Will do, bye.”

I stuffed my phone back into my purse, seeing Steve’s apartment building to my right. I was about to ring the doorbell as a man stepped out of the building, letting me in and I walked up the few flights of stairs to his apartment. The closer I got to his door, the clearer the loud voices became.

I got to the door and the voices got louder, my brows furrowed together as I heard a woman shouting just as loud as the other, I recognized instantly as Steve. Unsure of what to do, I stood opposite the door, waiting for an idea to strike me, but I just didn’t know what to do.

The door flew open and a blonde woman I recognize from the photo Steve sent me all these years ago as Sharon walked out of the apartment, her head burning red with anger and Steve behind her in the living room. She stormed down the stairs without so much so as a glance towards me.

I walked in carefully, a little scared. “Hey, Steve.” I said quietly to catch his attention and announce my arrival, but not startle him.

Steve turned around to me. “Y/n.” His tone undefining, unfeeling.

I couldn’t help thinking that coming over unannounced wasn’t the best idea I had. Steve walked around the couch, sitting down, letting his head fall back. He looked defeated, hair messily framing his face, brows furrowed together.

“Do you want to talk about what just happened?” I started to play with the zipper of my jacket out of uncomfortableness.

“No, I don’t.” Steve said with a deep exhale, not as angry anymore, his face and body relaxing.

An awful silence filled the room, me standing in the middle of it, looking around the room I was in just last night, drinking away my problems. The sun started to slowly creep behind the buildings marking the end of another day.

Today seems to be full of awkward silence.

“God, I’m sorry, do you want something to drink?” Steve said suddenly, making me jump. He got up from the couch walking over to the kitchen.

I followed him, putting my bag on the couch on the way. “Steve, it’s ok. I can get something myself.” I smiled up at him, trying to dissolve some of the awkwardness.

He sat down on one of the chairs at the breakfast bar and I opened the fridge taking a carton of juice out. With my back turned to him I stared pouring the juice in a glass I found in one of the cupboards. “Bucky invited me to the wedding, guess I’ll be staying for a little longer.”

I put the carton back into the fridge and turned to Steve, watching as his eyebrows shot up. “Are you really going? And what about the café?”

“First of all, yes and second of all, Jenna and her girlfriend Gina are taking care of the café.” Steve tilted his head in confusion and I almost forgot that he didn’t know about them. “Jenna’s my employee and Dina’s her girlfriend, been a huge help since we’re kinda popular around London.” I explained to him with pride, my chin tilting up.

“I’m really happy to hear that. And if you need a date for that wedding, I’ll sacrifice myself.”

We both laughed and I couldn’t believe how many years were between us. The amount of time that passed without hearing from another. The things he didn’t know about me nor the café. The popularity it gained over that period of time. But what hurt me the most was the fact that I didn’t know a lot about him, what he had been through.

“Aren’t you the best man?” I questioned.

“Yes, but that doesn’t mean that I can’t bring a date.”

I turned my head away from Steve. It’s been swept under the rug that we had a slight romance in the past but that seemed to be where it belongs, the past. My mind wandered off to the possibilities of being his date for the wedding. It would make me appear less lonely, having someone by my side that I’ve known for years. It would hopefully distract me a little from the event at hand.

I looked back to Steve, watching me with curious eyes. My lips curled up to a smile I couldn’t hold in. “Sure, why not?”

Steve walked around the breakfast bar, wrapping his arms around me. I wanted to ask, to clarify the intention behind the question. The words laying on my tough, breath and tones, but they couldn’t find their way out.

I’ve heard of this before. A book, a poem, what they call love, but in my reality, this translates to heartache.

-

[parineetiofrp-archived-blog]

It's just really frustrating how the Indian community is still under the impression that women aren't supposed to work or have a voice or anything. On one hand, they worship the Goddess of education and money, but on the other, she is denied her education and sold for money. 

[parineetiofrp-archived-blog]

I look at the half empty bottle Not a bad day. Today, I was happy. Or, I think I was. I don’t remember. Xsbdiel. No—no. That’s not a word. I don’t feel coherent. Cold. I feel cold. And lonely. So very lonely. Tired. Exhausted. I want to sleep.

-- Intoxicate -- n. d.

[parineetiofrp-archived-blog]

Cheeks dusted with pink, I smile, and brush them off On the inside, feeling like this couldn’t be true, My mind tells me that I don’t deserve this. Praise, as it has been and always will be, has never failed to Lie to me. Because the truth of my life has always been that I am not good enough. And I know that Mere words do nothing to change my perception of me. Even though I know that you must mean it. Even then. Nodding along with you, I change the topic, but only after uttering a soft Thank you, all the while, still disbelieving.

--n.d.

[parineetiofrp-archived-blog]

Question her, and you will perish, just like those who were Unfortunate as you. Just as those who were foolish enough to challenge her. Erudite, and steady is her gaze. And may hell fall upon this earth if she were to ever need a weapon other than her eyes. Exuding the aura of power and gracefully elegant in everything she does, and everything that she is, Now, it is only wise of you to relent, and bow before your Queen.

--n.d

[parineetiofrp-archived-blog]

Anyone would fall in love with you. Why don’t you see that? You Are so wonderful and breathtaking, That sometimes? It stops my heart. Your perfection has, So many times, Rendered me stupid. With you, I can be who I am. With you, I feel like I am, At home. Your scent, rich With cinnamon cookies, and lavender, And familiarity makes me feel Like the happiest man on earth. Must you be so stubborn? Why Do you not believe me when I say that I love you? Is it because you know That I am not worthy of you? Or because I overwhelm you, With the intensity of my love? Tell me, my love, how do I control it When you had my heart The very first time I saw you? It was then that I knew That I had to know you. I had to be a part of your life. And I knew, that I might die if I wasn’t.

--n.d.

[parineetiofrp-archived-blog]

Falling in love time and again, Each time, with a different man, I Never thought that falling in love would be like this. A question, if asked to me, will, Have me denying that this is love at all. Or could ever be. Merely like. For I hold a coin in my hand. One side, A temperamental man that I do not, Nor ever hope to love, And on the other? A person whom I know, That I could fall in love with, and maybe, I already am. How cruel fate is, That I am promised to the One that I cannot love. Now, or ever. And yet, I cannot help myself as, I glance over to his brother, Full of shy teasing and coy smiles. I know that one day, I will have to sacrifice my heart, For I know, that I am the reason, That two brothers are at battle. So, I will step aside, and smile at the world. I will reassure them, That I am alright, And yet, all the while, My heart hurting and My mind telling me, That I am truly, Good for nothing, Just as my father had said. Good for nothing, and, unlovable.

--n. d.

[parineetiofrp-archived-blog]

As always, he was right. Right, because I break everything I touch. Because he needs his brother, More than he will ever need me, And I know that I will Sacrifice what could have been for him. Now, I know that this feels like love. But is it? After all, who could love someone such as me? Me, whose touch ruins the beauty of a beautiful soul, and yet, I am able to walk away, unscathed. It scares me, it really does, how he predicted this. And it brings me to question, How many things was he right about? When he screamed at me, Like no father should at his child. But alas. As always, he was right. I break everything that I touch.

--n. d.

[parineetiofrp-archived-blog]

It was a Monday afternoon, in the cold air of London City that I realised that I felt for you, in the depths of my charred Obsidian heart, what many would call, love. Voluptuous, graceful and beautiful, have never been words that describe me. Even so, I hoped that you, with your perfection and beauty, could look at me in a way that every little girl, Yearns for. A look that is full of love and tenderness.

-- n.d.

[parineetiofrp-archived-blog]

As always, when I look into your eyes, all that I want to see, is a Reflection of what mine hold. A reflection of the love that my eyes and heart hold for every part of your being. Maybe it's just an illusion, but sometimes, I convince myself that what I see in your eyes, might not just be a Trick of the light, and that you have in some twisted way, Allowed yourself to fall in love with a creature like me.

— n.d

[parineetiofrp-archived-blog]

Silly, childish and sometimes, A little foolish. No, not sometimes. Because every day of My life, I hear my voice calling myself names, even though now, it is the only one that does so. Even today, I can see his hand rise and aim for me. To punish and hurt me. So that I know that Every thing that I am and will be is worthless. Disgusting. Gone are the days that his presence used to be a Ray of sunshine. Now, it fills me with dread. And yet, I know that he is right. Because what am I if not worthless? Suddenly, you walk into my life, and I will be the first to admit, that on sight, I hated you. No. I forced myself to hate you. Why? Because I knew that someday, my presence would taint you. Just like I have tainted everyone that ever cared about me. Never should I have allowed you to get closer to me. To be able to realise that I am, in all honesty, Good for nothing. And I know that when you realise my worthlessness, my nightmares will feature you, instead of Him.

--n.d.