#nightmare difficulty slaps btw i love it

[mochiiniko]

redrew some fanart from around 2021 under the cut bc the update snatched me </3

[throtegote]

Bigfoot in Bots

(If you’d like to read this off my wix blog here’s the link:https://erikatriesall.wixsite.com/tlhodia)

I remember a friend advising me to get my prom shoes from Options and thinking, “yeah sure, let me just saw my toes off real quick,” because there is no way I could fit in anything there otherwise.

Hi, I’m Erika. And as you may have guessed by now, I have large feet.

No, I do not wear size 13 Nikes (men’s size 13 Nikes) but by comparison to most people in my country, at a size 9.5/10 UK, I’m substantially above average. Retailers and boutiques here stock shoe sizes from 1 to either 6 or 7 and the larger the size, the harder it is to find it. An 8 in the women’s section is a rarity and a 9 that isn’t sneakers or granny shoes? Get down on your knees and sing hallelujah because that’s a miracle. Size 10 is unheard of. It doesn’t help that there are no specialist stores for women’s shoes here either.

Although it’s easier to shop for shoes if you’re a guy (because the assumption is that because you are a man, you have larger feet than the average woman), if you are a male with a foot above size 9, welcome to the struggle circle, take a seat, because you too, will find it hard to find sizes here. My dad, who’s around size 11, like me, finds it easier to shop abroad. Unfortunately, my parents do not believe in shopping for clothing and accessories online.

I don’t blame these stores, because it’s a thing of supply and demand. If a lot of the population has tiny feet, then why waste cash on stocking large sizes? It’s all about money, and if everyone else is satisfied and buying, then they don’t really need mine. So, as you’d expect, I own a lot of sneakers from the men’s section or unisex, and all my nice-fitting girly shoes are likely imported (which I don't own a lot of because I need to be present at all times to try the shoes on and uh, trips are expensive.).  When I walk into a shoe store, I don’t browse until I ask a clerk what their maximum size in stock is. And that’s when I’m shopping in a place like South Africa because I’ve given up on shoe shopping in Botswana. I just don’t want to waste anybody’s time.

Shoe shopping used to be an absolute nightmare for me and even though there have been improvements in the local market, and I’ve gotten better at it with age, it’s still a frustrating experience. I kid you not; I used to shed tears while shopping as a nana. In my young girl’s brain, being told “oh, we don’t have your size” was on the list of the top 5 worst types of rejection. A lot of store clerks were nice enough to check in the back for a shoe I really liked but some would widen their eyes do the loud “*gasp* So big?! Ah! Men’s section is that side”.

That hurt like a bitch.

About two years ago we had a family trip to Kenya (which is where my dad is from, btw) and my dad had promised me I could get my prom heels in advance from there as well as other stuff because his sisters had larger feet than me growing up and they managed to get shoes with little difficulty. So our assumption was that Kenyan women have larger feet on average than those in Botswana. Yeah no, I still struggled. 4 whole shopping malls in one day and nothing. At my grown age, by mall number 3 I was blinking back tears and I just wanted to go back to the hotel and not waste any more of everyone's time. I felt played and betrayed.

My feet were one of my first insecurities and they’ve been a struggle to keep up with all my life. I just remember going from having normal feet for my age, to fitting very snug in my mom’s high heel shoes to only wearing men’s sneakers. In what felt like a minute.

And as a growing kid I probably pinched a lot on my parent's wallets because I'd outgrow a new pair of shoes in like three months. Oops.

I also remember getting teased quite a bit in primary school too, especially by boys. “Bigfoot” was iconic, I sort of fit all the criteria by being large footed and hairy “like a Sasquatch”. It didn’t help that at over 5"2 I was taller and bigger than a lot of my classmates. At the time it’d get to me so much because my feet were a new development that kept developing and as a kid, the last thing I wanted was to be registered as an anomaly or a freak. Unlike body hair or acne, there’s nothing you can really do about your height or the size of your feet and that fact devastated me. I don’t think any young girl wants to hear their crush referring to them as a gorilla. Just rip out my self-esteem and toss it in the trash on the way out, why don’t you?

Looking back, I think I intimidated a lot of boys in my classes, especially those who believed that there’s a direct correlation between shoe and penis size. (*puts foot next to mine*, “Bro if you were a dude you’d be packing!”… thanks, I guess?) They were probably mad that I was showing more “masculine” physical traits than them- but to be honest they were all little bitches. And that’s on fragile masculinity. jkjkjk... or am I?

Now I’m older and a lot more mature, so I’ve learned to accept my “Sasquatch” feet. I've also learned that they aren’t abnormal at all and in a lot of other countries I’d be able to go shoe shopping freely. As a matter of fact, as a species our feet are growing bigger with each decade on average. Unlike your weight or your haircut, you can’t change your bone structure to give you smaller feet.

Go ahead, tell those nanas that they’re just mad that you’d be packing shmeat if you were a guy. Flex on the girls who think shopping for shoes in the children's section at 16 is a personality trait. Wear those boots; trust me, you don’t look like a clown. Embrace the big feet. Take care of them. Sure, you slap the road when you walk but hey, you get places faster so that’s dope. Your feet don't define your femininity, no matter how many people will try to make you think so.

What’s your odd experience with shoe shopping/ big feet? We’d love to hear. Like, comment and follow for more stuff like this

xoxo

Erika

[bastionkeeper]

Could you do 102 for Connor and Hank but switch it around for Connor to be drunk somehow? (Btw, I was the one who request Connor and North with the nightmare and I loved it)

Ayyy that’s so funny I just posted a drunk Connor one, one more coming up! Also I’m glad you liked the other one

102. "Are you… Drunk?"

Connor stumbled out of the police gala, his gyroscope failing him when he needed it most. He’d come outside at the recommendation of Officer Miller who thought Connor looked like he ‘needed some air.’

As Connor stood on the step outside, a glass still held in one hand, he wondered exactly why the air outside was so much more beneficial than the air inside, and when it was supposed to start working.

“Hey, Connor!”

Connor tried to turn around at Hank’s voice, but underestimated the speed at which he was turning and stumbled backwards down two stairs before catching himself with pinwheeling arms. He noticed with some annoyance that the way he had moved his arms had caused some of his drink to spill from the glass and wet his shirt sleeve.

“Whoa, you alright?” Hank asked. Connor kept examining his shirt sleeve.

“This is… uncomfortable,” he decided to label the feeling of wet clothes against his skin.

“Jesus you smell like a bar,” Hank said, wrinkling his nose. “S’that what I usually smell like? Damn. What happened to you? Stand too close to Reed and his little drunk crew?”

“Hell no,” Connor snorted, thinking it was fun to speak like Hank. “Hate that guy.”

“Look, Fowler’s almost done with his windbag speech, so you better come back inside and be seen clapping,” Hank said, jerking a thumb at the doors. “Come on, let’s get in there.”

As they walked back, Connor had difficulty finding where to put his feet. Hank looked at him with a mixture of confusion and annoyance, seeming to see the glass in his hand for the first time. “Wait a minute… are you drunk?”

“What?” Connor chuckled. “Hank, that’s ridiculous. I’m an android...”

“So android’s can’t get drunk?”

“... my tolerance is much higher than yours.” Connor shot Hank a wink, and that sealed it for the lieutenant.

“Yeah, you’re gone.” Hank shook his head in disbelief. “Fuck kid, if you were going to throw goody-two-shoes Connor out the window you could have at least let me know! I didn’t know you could hang!”

“I told you,” Connor said, pulling out the ‘you’ into a long whiny syllable. “I could be your buddy to drink with. You never invited me. That’s rude, Hank. You’re rude.”

“Alright,” Hank laughed. “Maybe we should just get you home, huh?”

“No!” Connor said hastily. “I’m being social! I’m having fun! I’m doing the… the… person thing.”

“The person thing?”

“The person thing!” Connor said again with more emphasis and a swift hand movement as if that explained what he meant.

“If the ‘person thing’ is puking all over my shoes, I’ll pass,” Hank said.

“I won’t ‘puke,’” Connor said, using air quotes around the word. He suddenly felt that he was too high up, and to compensate he crouched down and put a hand on the ground to steady himself. This soon turned to falling into a sitting position and throwing his head down against his knees and closing his eyes to keep the world from spinning. “Hank. Help. My gyroscope is broken.”

“I don’t think it is,” Hank said, more glee in his voice than sympathy. “C’mon. Get back up. I’ll help you get to the car.”

“I can’t,” Connor squeaked helplessly. “I’ve been poisoned.”

“You sure have. Now up.” Hank grabbed Connor under his arms and struggled to get him into a standing position. “Christ you’re heavy.”

Connor clung to Hank like a lifeline, making a little sound of distress everytime he stumbled even a little. Hank thought surely the universe was paying him back for the slap in the face wake up call Connor had given him so long ago. “You’re almost at the car, son, c’mon.”

Connor fell into the passenger seat heavily, swaying slightly. By the time Hank was in the driver’s seat and buckled up Connor was already dozing against the window, looking like a little kid that had fallen asleep on a long road trip. Hank chuckled, and hoped to god androids got hangovers too. He was curious to see how Connor liked getting woken up with shouting and lights when he was hungover.

[moiraineswife]

can you pls make a post abt your autistic nesta headcanon :o

Suuuure friend. It’s kinda personal in the sense that, like, this isn’t an argument for canon it’s just…where I see autistic things in Nesta/things that I’ve chosen to interpret/headcanon as autistic things. So this isn’t an attempt to “convince” anyone that she’s autistic it’s more just…An interesting way of twisting the canon a little bit for the sake of some headcanoned autistic rep. (But like I do love this hc so much, u can pry it from my cold, dead hands, I will talk about it endlessly, it’s great.)

Okay this is literally just going to be like…a list of things Nesta does that are so much more interesting to me when viewed through an autistic lens SO, onwards and upwards. This is long btw, and pretty messy?? Things are roughly sectioned out but also not really. #ITried. 

-Poor at readingpeople’s intentions/non-verbal communication:

See: the argument with Feyre at the beginning of ACOTAR.Feyre is being practical and factual when she tells Nesta why she won’t be ableto marry Tomas Mandras as she wants to because his family can’t afford it. Nestadoesn’t see what she’s actually projecting/intending and assumes that she’strying to hurt her/hit her where it hurts the most (Nesta feeling like a burden to those around her, which is a massive insecurity of hers) so she snaps back. She takesin the content of Feyre’s words and nothing else, slapping her owninterpretation over them and responding in a way she thinks is appropriate.

Also:

Teasing my sister,poking fun at her … I snatched a seat at Nesta’s side and murmured, “They meanwell.”

This bit I enjoy for two reasons a)- more proof Nesta doesn’tunderstand people’s intentions (which explains so much more why she goes on thedefensive about everything – she doesn’t get tone or body language orintention, she just goes purely on the content of what people are saying to herand if it sounds bad she takes it that way and assumes they’re trying to hurther, regardless of how it’s actually meant)

b)- the relationshipdevelopment between Feyre and Nesta. Feyre now understands Nesta better andknows how she tends to respond to things like this and so she quietly explainswhat Nesta can’t pick up on herself and reassures her that the Circle aren’treally mocking her, they’re more…including her? But it takes Feyre explainingthat for her to get it.

-0 concept of socialprotocols/rules. Like literally fucking none.

See: “Nesta only said,“Why do your eyes glow?” Little curiosity—just a blunt need for explanation.’  

[…]

 “They neverdared ask me that, either.”“Why.”“Because it is not polite to ask—and they are afraid.”

Never in all her days has anyone asked Amren that becausea)- it’s not polite and b)- they can pick up on the Do Not Do This vibe Amrengives off. Nesta gets none of that. She has a question. She asks it. No frills,no mess, no fuss. The autistic way. Lucien is literally having a heart attackin the background, Feyre and Rhys aren’t breathing but Nesta isjust…Completely chilled because she genuinely doesn’t get why this might be abig deal.

(And the fact that she actually asks why no-one in the who knows how many years Amren has beenalive also implies this lack of social knowledge and understanding. Not onlydoes she blurt out the question in the first place without thought but she hasto ask why no-one else has ever thought to probe Amren on this because she still hasn’t picked up on the atmosphereof ‘girl pls stop ur going to get murdered’ that’s going around the room. She doesn’t understand that she’s crossed a line here and is being impolite, genuinely. She was curious. She asked a question - one that no-one’s ever asked before, which baffles her because, as far as she’s concerned, it’s a pretty practical/intuitive question like come on people why is no-one asking this?)

And:

“What do you want?” I felt the blow like a punch to my gut.“At least immortality hasn’t changed some things about you.” Nesta’s look was nothing short of icy. “Is there a purpose to this visit, ormay I return to my book?”

You can read this asher being mean or deliberately pushing Feyre away but based on previously citedevidence this is just…Nesta, to me? There’s this constant focus on pragmatismand purpose with her and this is just…Kinda like the Amren thing, a bluntattempt at understanding something she doesn’t –ie why her sister has come tosee her/if she needs/wants anything.

It’s practical, like her questioning Amren. The “emotional aspect”(for lack of a better phrase) the curiosity/the cruelty is missing. All there isis a blunt need for explanation. I don’t think she’s trying to hurt Feyre Ithink she’s just blunt and has no concept of social rules and why this Isn’tThe Done Thing. There are a lot of social niceties required here and Nestadoesn’t get/do any of them.

She’s reading, Feyreinterrupts, she assumes there’s a reason for this and she wants to know if sheneeds anything and if not if she can go back to her book. This comes across ashurtful to Feyre because she doesn’t get the way Nesta processes interactions. ToNesta this isn’t rude or cruel it’s just…Practical. It’s a fairly simple Aleads to B leads to C type pattern of thinking that misses out the socialfrills and expectations that most people have to…Hide the A leads to B leadsto C pattern of their own interactions because simply saying exactly what you feel/think in situations like this can come across as rude or cold.

-Difficulty socialising/interactingwith people:

-The bluntness is an aspect of this but Nesta isn’t exactlythe world’s biggest people person. She only really has Elain (likely becauseshe understands her and has learned to read her/understand her so she’s comfywith her – Elain gets Nesta in a way I don’t think anyone else truly does – noteven Feyre, (see: the way that Elain goes to Nesta after her and Feyre’sargument in ACOTAR. Fandom condemns her for “siding” with Nesta over Feyre, but Ithink it’s because Elain understands that Nesta was deeply hurt, which was why shelashed out, something that Feyre does not notice) so Nesta is more comfortablearound her)

-Nesta also seems to have trouble making and keeping friends. She’sconstantly shown as being isolated and alone in ACOTAR. When Feyre returns tothe manor it’s clear that Elain has slotted back into the noble social circles again but Nestahasn’t. She’s withdrawn from their friends, the staff, from everyone, really, and Elain comments:

 “She hardlytalks to anyone, and I feel wretched when my friends pay a visit, because shemakes them so uncomfortable when she stares at them in that way of hers …”

Part of this has to do with Tomas’ recent assault and herdeliberately distancing herself from other people. But Nesta making peopleuncomfortable and ‘staring in that way of hers’ are totally autistic things,especially the staring. Autistic people can have some issues with eye contact; either making too much or too little. Nesta is on the ‘too much’ side of things(this is something she does quite a lot, too, it’s not a one-off thing, as implied by ‘that way of hers’ and the fact we see her do things like this several times in canon).

-The only time we ever see Nesta fully relaxed is when she’sbeen on her own, reading in the library in the House of Wind. She’s not aroundother people and she doesn’t have to try and figure out protocols and shit, shecan just be. (There’s an argument to be made here for sensory things too –librariesare typically quiet, comfortable places that don’t have many things in the wayof uncomfortable sensory things that can overwhelm, they’re safe spaces for autistics in that regard. But more on that later) Assoon as people reappear, she instantly and visibly tenses up again.

Also this line like just…speaks to me:

“You don’t mind fixingthe wall or going to the Court of Nightmares, but speaking to people is whereyou draw your line?”

Because…Yup. What Feyre is asking Nesta to do,essentially, is be at the centre of social attention, which is obviouslysomething she’s not super comfortable with. Nesta doesn’t like feeling out ofcontrol of herself and in a situation like the one Feyre is suggesting, whenshe’s poor at communicating with people and reading them, this automatically puts her on her offfoot, which she doesn’t like. It also puts her in a new place in a room full of strangers she has never met before and is in no way comfortable with, which is yet another autistic related thing that would put her off this kind of thing. 

(putting in a cut for length, more of the same below) 

Black and whitethinking

-This describes Nesta’s attitude towards…Pretty mucheverything but it’s a fairly common autistic trait too? Seeing things in veryblack or white/right or wrong type standards and struggling with abstracts. Autistics tend to have their own sets of Rules and it crosses over into that idea as well. Italso applies to the way she is with Feyre in ACOTAR. It’s all very pragmaticand very stark and clear-cut as far as she’s concerned:

“But I knew—with asudden, uncoiling clarity—that Nesta would buy Elain time to run. Not myfather, whom she resented with her entire steely heart. Not me, because Nestahad always known and hated that she and I were two sides of the same coin, andthat I could fight my own battles. But Elain, the flower-grower, the gentleheart … Nesta would go down swinging for her.”

There’s a lot of stuff in here I’ll pick through bit by bit inthis context.

First that pragmatism, that black and whiteness, in Nestaknowing that Feyre doesn’t need her and is capable of fighting her own battles (not just in this instance).Nesta doesn’t waste time making a show of things or pretending. It’s quitesimple. Elain needs her; Feyre does not – Elain is where she directs her focusand attention. Nesta dedicates herself fully to one thing, the thing sheactually needs to do, rather than tearing her attention between two differentthings when one isn’t necessary in apractical sense.

This also ties in a bit with the socialniceties/expectations thing because the kind of socially acceptable thing herewith regards to Feyre hunting/looking after herself is to fluff things up and‘oh Feyre, shall I help you?’ and offer even if she knows it’s going to berejected – which it would be, because Feyre doesn’t need her help and wouldtell her that. (Incidentally, that rejection would also reinforcing the fact that Nesta is of no real use around the house/in terms of keeping them alive). 

Nesta is perfectly aware of this and doesn’t see the pointin wasting time/words asking when she already knows the answer (and has done for like…five solid years at this point) – even though it’d bemore ‘polite’ of her to do so and be refused because then it shows she cares. 

Social rules are what dictates this way of showing you care, however. To Nesta this is just an entirely empty and pointless gesture. Black and whitelogic dictates that Feyre can take care of herself so Nesta dutifully turns herattentions elsewhere to where she’s actually needed – in this case it’sprotecting Elain. 

When Feyre does need her, however, such as when she’s beentaken by Tamlin, but Elain is comfortable and safe, Nesta moves heaven andearth for Feyre while leaving Elain to her own devices – this is not anElain-exclusive attitude; it’s just the way she is. The same way that she protects Cassian at the end of ACOWAR, and the way she agrees to put herself in a situation she was deeply uncomfortable with (sharing her story with the High Lords) and becoming the human’s emissary because she did not want them to be forgotten. Nesta, like Cassian just fuelled by wildly different motives, protects those who cannot protect themselves; and leaves those that can to do so. 

-Then there’s the other aspect to this black and whitenessin the way Nesta views the world and those in it – for example how she sees herfather. Her morality/sense of good and bad is shaped a lot by this kind of thinking too. There isn’t anything tempering her resentment or her hatred of her father in her eyes. Hedid bad; he’s a bad person, she rejects him, it’s as simple as that. He let hermother die, he lets them starve, he doesn’t even try. Line crossed. Caseclosed. She hates him, fully and completely without any mitigation, end ofstory. (And her feelings here are entirely valid, I am in no way saying thatthis is the ‘wrong’ way of viewing things, it’s just Nesta’s way, and she’scompletely and utterly entitled to it.)

-I’m also using this to aggressively explain away the endingof ACOWAR and the horror show that is Nesta’s conflict with regards toher father. Things are very easy for her to work out while they’re in simpleblack and white/good and bad terms. Her father continues letting them starveand never tries for them, that makes it very easy to consider him as bad andmove on with life. He never does anything to contradict that; there are noconfusing good actions blended in with the bad to swing her focus/feelings. Whenthings become more complicated she struggles with the abstracts. When herfather brings ships named after his daughters to help them and dies right infront of her supposedly defending her this muddies her previously crystal clearwaters.

She has all of this hate and resentment that she’s had forall these years and it makes it impossible to just shift gears and consider himas good because he’s done this good thing for her now. He’s a mix of good andbad now, she has good and bad ‘evidence’ for her feelings towards himand she can’t cope. There’s no easy way to quantify this and put it in a nice,neat little box of ‘good’ or ‘bad’ ‘hate’ or ‘love’ and she gets conflicted andconfused and upset as a result because she can’t work out her own feelings(also an autistic thing) because things aren’t simple stark concepts anymore. She has almost a decade of bad things, but his last act was a good one, and this makes it difficult for her in the absolute way she sees things because suddenly he isn’t an absolute any more and she can’t process it. 

-Also, as I said, this is pretty much Nesta in a nutshell.She deals with things in very definite black and white extremes most of thetime. An answer is either yes or it’s no, the word ‘maybe’ does not exist inNesta’s vocabulary.

“What happened toTomas Mandray?” I asked, the words strangled.“I realized he wouldn’t have gone with me to save you from Prythian.”And for her, with that raging, unrelenting heart, it would have been a line inthe sand.

Earlier on in the book Nesta stated that she loved Tomas.Whether she did or not is debatable but she was fully ready to move out of thecottage and marry him and she pulls a complete U-turn on that because of thisone realisation – a realisation, moreover, that’s based fully on this idea ofcommitment and the black and white nature she sees the world and how she drawslines in the sand with people. This one ‘bad’ action alters her feelings towards him from being willing to marry him, to leaving him on the spot. She deals in absolutes. It’s how she sees and weighs the world and those in it. 

Dislike of change:

-Nesta handles both the death of her mother and the loss oftheir fortune arguably much worse than either of her sisters. Feyre knucklesdown and lives in the moment, Elain looks forwards to a brighter future. Nestagets stuck in the past. These are two massive, massive changes and she doesn’tadapt well to either of them.

She blames and hates her father for her mother’s death andnot doing more to save her (more black and white extremes in there (though alsoa fairly typical reaction to grief/loss, but the extent Nesta takes it to andthe sheer absoluteness that she looks on it with still strikes me. She doesn’tonly condemn her father for this she hates him for it with every inch of herbeing)) and she continues to act like a noble lady even when she lives in arun-down hovel and associates with peasants as opposed to nobility, and hasdone for years. She doesn’t adapt well at all, she continues to live in andlong for the past and she refuses to properly transition into their new life.

But she can’t slot back into her old life either once shegets it back, either, because that’s another change and another upheaval. She becomesisolated, pushes people away, and can’t stomach the social niceties andsmothering rules that come with those social circles and way of life. She does not fit and she cannot adapt in the seamless way that Elain and her father do with the sudden change of their fortunes. She again remains stuck in the past (quite literally, since she fights the glamour and remembers what happened while no-one else does) 

This pattern of her isolating herself when she can’t copewith changes is pretty common, too? She does the same thing after her Making. Ialso think that she projects being more okay with what happened than sheactually is. Nesta has this need to feel in control of herself and when shedoesn’t I think she projects this feeling of being in control even more thanusual in order to try and feel that. But I don’t think she adjusted as well asshe appears to have done, and I think there are hints at that but I won’t gointo all of them here, it’s too long and not relevant enough to delve into. 

She does isolate herself again, though. As she did in the cabin, as she did returning to the manor. She doesn’t really try andactively engage with her new life she just keeps doing what she does; same patterns, different setting. Shedoesn’t try to get to know the Circle or explore Velaris or integrate herselfinto being fae. She remains wearing her old human clothes, doing the things shewould have done as a human, like sitting alone in the library and reading. Sherefuses to train with Cassian and she refuses to acknowledge her new abilitiesor work with them because these things are new and different and overwhelming.  

She clings to the past again. She continues wearing her olddresses and doesn’t change into things more appropriate to the fae world. Sheeven turns up to training and tramps around war camps in her typical dressesbecause they’re familiar and comfortable. (wearing the same clothes over andover again is also a pretty common autistic thing in itself, hence the focus on it)

 The human worldalso remains at the forefront of her thoughts – she remembers to compare thefood the first time she eats with Feyre and the others and she names herself anambassador for the human realm and declares that she hasn’t forgotten them.

Prioritising actionsover words/disliking social niceties:

I’ve kind of mentioned this already but this is in aslightly different vein. Nesta is very actionorientated. She shows how she feels about people in the things that she does,not what she says. She’s very straightforward and I think one of the reasonsshe comes off so poorly is that she puts all of her efforts into doing things (see: the whole going tothe wall thing for Feyre) but she doesn’t back it up with social niceties. (I talked about this earlier; Nesta is living in a world that operates under different social rules to everyone else. Typical social rules dictate that social niceties are a way to come across well and caring - such as offering to help even when she knows it’d be rejected. Nesta doesn’t demonstrate her caring in that way, but she does demonstrate it - in her own way, in terms that she understands and responds to) 

Nesta doesn’t soften herself or attempt to be somethingshe’s not; she doesn’t try and charm people with sweet, flowery words the waythat Elain can, she isn’t made that way. She comes off as cold and rude when inactual fact she just isn’t burying what she says under sixteen layers ofexhausting social protocols that she doesn’t understand. 

Nesta just is. She’s just unapologetically herself(which, in the context of this hc, I adore, because so many people, girls especially, miss out ondiagnoses because they force themselves to learn to appear more socially adeptthan they feel/with what lines up with their experiences with people becauseit’s expected for girls to be soft and polite, and very well-mannered and Nestadoesn’t do that. She is unapologetically herself. She places no stock or valuein social niceties and she doesn’t bother wasting time on them or mincing herwords to try and appease those around her when she just doesn’t get it/care forit herself)

“ I never have togo back to those sycophantic fools over the wall. I get to do as I wish, sinceapparently no one here has any regard for rules or manners or ourtraditions.”

There’s a couple of things in here – one the ‘sycophanticfools’ comment which implies what I was saying about her disregard for socialniceties and that forced, excessive politeness that’s common in high societycircles. In her culture this is just the way that people are and the way theytypically communicate and behave but Nesta refers to them as ‘sycophantic fools’because she isn’t operating under the same rules as they are and just sees themas pandering and false which she dislikes. I can’t see Nesta being particularlyadept at that and I can see her accidentally offending people with the way sheis, awkward silences and shutting down of conversations and completely missing out all of the fluttery, excessive politeness that’sexpected of ladies of her station.

Also the slightly negative connotation in ‘apparently no-onehere has any regard for rules or manners or our traditions’ – implying that shedoes. Autistics tend to be quite rule orientated and routine orientated too,both of which get covered by ‘rules and traditions’ here. Even if they arearchaic and backwards and limiting due to her gender, she finds the completelack of them distasteful/negative because it means there’s no order and nostructure in this world, which doesn’t fully sit right with her.

-Empathy/Emotions:

Autistic people tend to have variations in this (notnecessarily always less than allistics) they can either be hypoempathetic (lessthan typical) or hyperempathetic (more than typical) in different ways. Thereare different types of empathy, believe it or not: cognitive empathy, which isbeing able to understand/know what someone is feeling without them telling them,usually via non-verbal communication, things like tone, body language etc(Nesta, with her poor reading of people’s intentions and body language etc would,arguably, have less than normal cognitive empathy) Same with affective empathywhich is basically, you feel the same emotion you’ve identified in someone – ifthey’re sad, you get empathetically sad too. Nesta doesn’t seem to have a hugeheaping of this either (she has a lot of intense feelings, but they don’tnecessarily mirror the people around her), so she’s hypoempathetic when itcomes to cognitive and affective empathy, as far as my headcanon goes.

She seems to have a fair amount of compassionate empathy,however, to the point of perhaps having too much. Compassionate empathy is,basically, the desire to help people if they’re having problems. She leapfrogsover the non-verbal understanding of what someone is feeling, and she doesn’tempathetically feel what they feel either, but the depth to which she feels theneed to help people is definitely in there. See: the scene where she begs thequeens to give up the book to Rhys and Feyre and the scene where she tellsCassian that she can’t leave him on the battlefield, and the lengths she goesto to try and help Feyre after Tamlin takes her away etc etc etc.

Nesta is said many, many times to feel things a lot moredeeply than those around her. This is, as far as I’m aware, a fairly commonautistic experience, especially because she’s very poor at showing it. In theWings and Embers short she thinks to herself: 

‘She felt it all—tookeenly, too sharply. Hated and cared and loved and dreaded, more than otherpeople, she sometimes thought. Could sift between them all in a matter ofmoments, like she was trying on different sets of clothes, and no one couldtell or care.’

In addition to the depth of feeling thing, the no-onenoticing how she feels is pretty telling. Autistics struggle to read otherpeople but can also suffer from people struggling to read them in turn, whichis something I think Nesta gets a lot of since she feels these things so, sodeeply but no-one ever notices it and she gets brushed off as beingcold/withdrawn (also common to autistics) when in actual fact she’s the preciseopposite. She just doesn’t communicate it in the same was as everyone else, sounless they know her very well and/or are very socially switched on (ie Cassianand Elain) they don’t notice and don’t understand her.  

-‘Learning’ bodylanguage/social rules:

-There are a few places where Nesta seems to be reasonablysocially adept – I’m thinking Wings and Embers where she correctly hits onCassian’s sore points but I don’t think this disproves  this headcanon. Autistics are capable ofunderstanding and reading body language it’s just not something that’sinnate/built-in. But there’s nothing to stop them learning it. A lot ofautistics learn how to ‘pass’ as neurotypical (sometimes evenunintentionally/unconsciously, they do so to try and fit in) by activelylearning to read those around them (which is why some autistics are good withinteracting with people that they know, but struggle a lot with strangers) andlearning social rules and mimicking those around them. The way that Nestawatches Cassian and has to work to consciously gauge his reaction to her inWings and Embers is telling.

Also this scene:

‘Nesta was watching the volley of words as if it were a sporting match,eyes darting between us. She didn’t reach for any food, so I took theliberty of dumping spoonfuls of various things onto her plate.’

This is the first time that Nesta has interacted with thegroup as a whole. She doesn’t engage with them or join in their conversation(and even when she fleetingly does, she only really talks to Feyre, her sister,who she’s obviously more comfortable with) otherwise she just sits and watchesthem, figuring out how they work, how to read them, how to interact with them. It’sall this conscious process of working people out and understanding them whenthey’re in this new casual setting.

-Misc bits and bobs:

-I can make an argument for Nesta being touchaverse/sensitive. Feyre comments that she’s never been physically affectionatewith her sister. When she and Nesta quietly talk over triggers and Feyre isreassuring/comforting her she does this: 

“Iknew better than to touch her hand. But I said, “When we get home, we’llinstall something else for you.” 

Feyre doesn’t attempt to physicallycomfort Nesta since she knows that won’t go down well. (As an aside, thisdoesn’t get discounted by the Nessian moments a)- Most of the time Nestainitiates their contact and b)- sensory sensitives are weird and with touch,having specific people be exceptions to the rule isn’t uncommon)

-@blogtealdeal gets credit for coming up with thissuggestion but the hc Nesta was reading the romance books that seemed souncharacteristic for her, according to Cassian, being her ‘researching’ romanceand trying to get a better handle on how to handle her relationship with Cassis my new favourite thing ever. If she were doing this it’d be a form ofscripting which is basically rehearsing an interaction before it happens. It alsospeaks to Nesta’s general ‘wtfness’ when it comes to relationships with otherpeople and her attempts at learning them through books is understandable.

- ‘Teaching Nestato paint was about as pleasant as I had expected it to be […] Supplies wereeasy enough to come by, but explaining how I painted, convincing Nesta toexpress what was in her mind, her heart … At the very least, she repeated mybrushstrokes with a precise and solid hand.’

Imagining things/thinking in pictures is something some autisticscan struggle with. Nesta doesn’t actually put what’s in her mind down when shepaints, she just copies Feyre’s exact brushstrokes and does what she does. (Kindalike the whole scripting/mimicking fiction thing from her romance reading) Translatingher feelings to paintings/expressing herself in that way is something she alsoseems to struggle a lot with. Trouble pinning down feelings exactly/knowingexactly what you’re feeling is also an autistic experience, it’s called alexithmyaand it’s something I can see Nesta experiencing without too much effort (especially with the Wings and Embers quote being taken into account as well).

Finally, This:

Amren nodded, more toherself than anyone. “You did not fit—the mold that they shoved you into. Thepath you were born upon and forced to walk.You tried, and yet you did not, could not, fit. And thenthe path changed.” A little nod. “I know—what it is to be that way. I rememberit, long ago as it was.”

This is just….The most autistic thing I have ever witnessedin my entire existence. That idea of not fitting, of trying to but not beingable to, of not being able to fit the expected moulds…And Nesta didn’t? Alsothe fact that Amren didn’t fit with the members of her kind because she feltthings differently to them and perceived and understood the world differentlyto them reinforces this parallel with Nesta being an autistic human whoperceived the world differently to those around her and engaged with itdifferently as well, therefore never quite fitting in.

(It’s also my headcanon (pure headcanon, as most of this is)to explain why Nesta appears to adjust much better to being Made Fae than Elaindoes. In spite of her struggling with the dramatic change, the actual Making she seems to accept better than her younger sister. She’s spent her entire life not quite fitting in and not quite belonging tothe people around her – this is not a new experience for her as it is forElain, who has always been very comfortable in herself/her interactions withothers)

I’m going to wrap this up here or I could genuinely go on forever. Like I said at the beginning of this, none of this is me trying to “””prove””” that Nesta actually is autistic/was deliberately written that way. This is just…An elaborate hc that I have and the above is like…the intricate details of said hc, I’m not trying to say this is the way she should be read/was intended to be read it’s just…An interesting way to choose to read her for the sake of some (really good) rep. 

TL;DR: Nesta is my beautiful autistic daughter and this hc delights me. Enjoy. 

[phoenixfire-thewizardgoddess]

have i mentioned how much i hate the ridiculous way they trap you into taking up shitty jobs, through employment agencies?

like, they will call you or email you at any time with a position no matter how bad it is... and you have to accept it, because if you refuse to at least apply, you lose any governmental assistance for up to 10-12 weeks in penalty for non-compliance.

i mean, the three day life-stealing courses on ‘how to talk to people’ and ‘how to identify fire is bad (work safety)’ are embarrassingly degrading enough that they’re mandatory, but the system they’ve made has literally put people in dangerous positions

for example, an agency kept sending people out to do ‘a trial week’ with a certain restaurant that was basically using these people for free labour, one per week for ages. No one got the position (or feedback) in like 6 months, and this was considered the fault of the people sent out there... rather than blatant exploitation? 

in another case, someone was sent out to the middle of nowhere for a ‘receptionist position’. it was a brothel. they didn’t want a receptionist. no one bothered to google it before pressuring a young lady into going out there. nor did they go with her (which they are required to do under the circumstances). she returned well enough, but that was an easily avoidable scenario, had anyone cared to do their damn job properly.

and the other thing they do isn’t terrible in theory, but execution is very dangerous. they line people up to go out and work for either the council, or charities, free labour and experience right? well, sure, but a lot of people were getting hurt pretty severely because the people in charge of them in the charities were volunteers with no workplace health and safety training. especially at charity A, where my sibling actually ended up with such a severe injury to their shoulder (from being forced to move something with only two people that clearly needed about five or mechanical aid whilst being ‘supervised by a fucking idiot considered competent by sheer fact of being at the charity for like three weeks- a common tale) that it took nearly a year to heal. during which time they were penalised for non-compliance... 

and of course, non-compliance means you have to reapply for: assistance (financial), health care cards, any additional things like Tax A & B (for peeps with kids). also they may slap you with a debt during this time, bc some rich idiot went, ‘hmmm, who will have money if we take it away entirely as a penalty? aha! the poor! yes, give them a debt.’ #fucking genius mate #good job

it’s a domino situation that will never effect the idiots who dreamed it up bc they’re wealthy enough to avoid it all. guaranteed if the minister for unemployment or the PM had to sit in centrelink for six hours to hand in a small book of a form, and then be told ‘no, you missed a page’ or ‘why have you not included parental earnings in this? ...maybe bc we’re both adults susannabeth chadworthingtonne the third. 

then again, sometimes you get penalised for no reason, system error, which kickstarts the whole process over again as you scream unto eternity. but the thing is if these people mess me over, then i do have someone i can ask for assistance, a lot of people do not. and they’re the ones who are in the most trouble if they’re found non-compliant. 

i mean, it’s not a good system.

there needs to be more leeway here. you should be able to say, ‘i see you’ve been pressing (X) position on everyone here regardless of skillset, and removing their assistance if they say no. i am not suited to that position, nor was the last person you approached, have you considered doing your job properly?’

for example, if you are a social worker in a hospital, and a patient needs support with say living at home, and another needs assistance with mobility. you find things to work with them, not tell them they have to use company H, which might be solely about cleaning once per week, or they can just die alone. you feel me?

the whole ‘we have this one position, let us force everyone here to apply or we remove their assistance’ thing is a bit frustrating. because one size fits all, or god help you, has never been that productive of a system. there are people trying to find employment that have twice the degrees, others who barely know english, heavily pregnant ladies have turned up, people who are barely literate... and even a few people who were significantly impaired. and i do not say this in a rude way but, the difficulty they had understanding their ‘obligations’ makes it very clear that if they were forced into a position, either they would not hold it long or they could be taken advantage of and not realise it. 

it’s simply a bad system because it doesn’t cater to the different demographics. and, the people employed to run them are either lovely but ineffective, or the rudest people on earth. 

it seems universal, too. speaking with some people using different agencies, you hear their similar stories of that one employee, usually female, who loses her mind at everyone. >can’t speak english? she’ll scream at you in an angry tone until you ‘get it’. >try to point out you can’t attend something bc you have no transport into town bc taxis are hella expensive (a significant concern in rural areas)? god help you >ask why you have been assigned a ‘how to talk to people’ course in the middle of your placement? get yelled at for ‘thinking you’re better than others’

and, this is bitterness about this one lady but hear me out. the rules in our region are apply for, or follow up with, twenty jobs per month. This was based on an average calculated by jobs available in a huge mini-city not that far away; bearing in mind there are not always twenty positions available, you do have to get creative. (I hear, in the capital city, sometimes they can push the number to 50 jobs/month but there are more opportunities to apply there.) they will accept an almost complete sheet in certain months when there is a predicted employment shortfall. >however, this one woman was a living nightmare. if you filled the sheet, she’d hand you a new one and tell you ‘complete this by the deadline, or i will have your assistance removed’. and she would, btw. once four 67 jobs in a month, mid-final placement, just to ensure i had continuing cash to pay for rent + living whilst completing my degree bc the centrelink computers fucked up and put me on jobseeker in the last three months. she was awful. apparently randomly left and never came back one day, and i would not be surprised if she’s in a ditch somewhere, with that attitude, so good riddance.

the other issue is that they have this anonymous nonsense that i think needs to be lifted. ‘apply for this position in hospitality’ their emails say, 

sure, if you have a client that basically says, ‘fuck you, why should i  have to search for jobs? i’m not doing that!’ then that’s a good enough reason to have a discussion with them about mandatory conditions pertaining to their receiving assistance. and if they remain non-compliant, or get abusive, then you defs need to respond to that correctly.

but it just feels like a lot of the system was put in place without really thinking through how it will affect people. and it needs to be redone with greater emphasis on dealing with individual strengths and needs, allowing for them to provide more compatible opportunities (esp. in rural areas where jobs are scarce af, and it’s not hard to match people) rather than throwing everyone at it to meet quotas, and being surprised when the employers reject all but like one, bc no one else is qualified. as if it is the fault of the people forced into it, that they were not selected, and are then labelled as ‘not trying hard enough’.