#night-slayerxo

[anything-advice-blog]

Hello, I’m writing because I’m unsure to whether or not my friendship is toxic. I’m in a group of five friends, myself included, where I’ve known two of them since primary school. They also happen to be super close identical twins. The other two (H and C) I’ve made friends with since being at secondary school. One of the girl’s © I’ve become friends with showed controlling behaviour since the beginning. It was only ever me and her at the time (she didn’t like me hanging out with the twins and the other girl then) and she would always be telling me how I should act and when we would eat, etc. At the end of year seven I remember so clearly the twins and my other friend telling me they hate the way that I was being treated by this girl. At the beginning of year eight though, a new girl arrived. I was soon replaced by my controlling friend for a new mind-controlled minion. At first I was relieved, I could have my friends back, right? No. My controlling friend wanted us to be a trio and that’s when I started being bullied. The new girl at first looked innocent and sweet - just fresh from Norway and acted like she couldn’t speak English - but she soon began to exclude me from things. Again, I relieved that I was being pushed away by a duo now so I can finally be with the twins and my other friends but the new girl was always there saying things behind my back. Year nine was the worse. My controlling friend and her minion decided that they wanted to be part of my friendship circle. I was pleased that my controlling friend finally wanted to know who my lovely friends are but I was just filled with constant anxiety with the new girl sat next to me at lunch every day, having to put up with her gossiping and making rumours about me - right in front of me. At this point none of my friends said anything. They would let my controlling friend and my bully just hurt me. I didn’t get it, I don’t get it. By Christmas, the twins had fallen out with another girl that was part of our group which really put a dent in everything. When you upset one of the twins, you upset the other, and when you upset the other, you upset (H). There is no way out of it because if you want to speak out in my friendship group, you’re on your own because the twins and (H) will side together every time. You can’t break it. So this Christmas time I decided that I just wanted to be the mutual friend. My mother is the head of science at my school and always helps me by pointing out the nice girls but these, these aren’t nice girls. Just because I didn’t side with them it was like when the other girl left the group, I was forced out too. (H) took the twins to Winter Wonderland as well as taking ©, the controlling girl. It hurt, a lot. (H) was my friend. I’d done nothing but be nice to her and I was the one who introduced them to ©. They didn’t like © before my bully came along. The rest of year nine was a blur but welcoming at the same time. But now I’m in year ten and I had no idea what was coming. During year nine, my bully decided that she wanted to control what went on between her and ©. She soon became the more dominant one, no surprise, and was becoming rude to us all, even though she was budding up with (H). At the start of this year though, she done something that caused police calls between her and ©. Thankfully, they’re now enemies but honestly, even that’s still toxic. © was willing to do anything she could to get my bully into trouble at this point by making (H) give statements and forcing me into admitting all the bullying. I didn’t want too. It wasn’t my place and at this time in my life my homelife was really unstable and she knew that. She wouldn’t stop pushing me till I went to see the only teacher I trust, after my mother of course, but I kept it professional. I don’t know if my friendship is toxic or not because only then did the twins, (H) and © want to address everything I’ve been through. It hurt me a lot. More recently an incident happened during a Physical Education class and I was injured badly. None of my friends appeared to be there for me (© claims she was, but all I remember is her walking away with disgust on her face after I was injured). This clearly upset me and when I went to the twins for comfort, who I’d say are my closest friends at the time, they were just laughing with each other. At break time it ended up with me in an argument with one of the twins. For the rest of the day none of them say a word to me. Thankfully it was a Friday but the most heart-breaking weekend of my life and not because of that. I really needed a friend so on Monday I went to school with a clear mind but of course, they didn’t. © didn’t say a word to me and I was friendly with the twins. I’m a good girl and never take my phone to school and as my mum works at my school I stay pretty late in the science labs; by the time Monday night rolled around and I was finally home I faced the most horrific text messages. I was being accused of plenty of blasphemy and sin I had no idea what I was reading. None of them even replied to my texts. I have Asperger’s and I’m autistic which makes it really hard to me to cope in social situations sometimes as I can’t tell body language very well and I’m very quick to adapt anxiety in times like this. The next morning when © finally spoke to me it was painful and the twins wouldn’t even tell me what sinful things I’d done. The next week the four of them were going to the movies together, another thing I wasn’t invited too. Lately I’ve been really wondering if my friends like me and if my friendship is toxic. (H) and © are besties and the twins are as thick of thieves which always leaves me on my own. They always want to talk about TV shows they know I don’t watch which forces me to not be part of conversations and when I try and pick up on things they look at me like I’m crazy. There are days when I just stand with them like a lemon when none of them have said a word to me. Is this normal? I wish I had the guts like the girl they kicked out did because she’s moved on and found better friends but I’m not like that. I’m always polite and shy and I don’t know what I’ve done for my friends to do things this half term without inviting me. They even asked me what days I’m free before half term started, convincing me they wanted to do something. But instead all I see is them posting pictures of what they’ve done when they’ve been “busy”. They have a group chat I’m not part of which they always refer to and no one ever messages me. That part doesn’t bother me but I wish they’d just keep it to themselves because I’m not sure what they want out of me. I’m sorry this has been really long  but I feel like in order to understand my situation you need to know the whole story. I’m no longer being bullied but I’m unsure if my friends are. I’m at a point where I want to move away and never come back. I just want to have friends that care about me instead of how many likes their insta photo gets. Sorry. Thank you, Night-Slayer xo

Hello Night-Slayer,

I honestly wish that you have come to us earlier with this. You should not be subject to this type of bullying for 4 years! My straightforward answer to your foremost question is that yes, your friendship is 100% toxic and you should do your best to get yourself out of the situation. This is not a healthy relationship at all, and you do not benefit from being friends with these girls. You need to remove yourself from the situation ASAP. The fact is, what you have described is all middle school drama. Yes it is so painful kno

wing that people that you put first don’t put you first. Trust me, so many people have experienced this type of situation and have asked themselves ‘What am I doing wrong’ or ‘Should I treat them better?’ The simple fact is that you can’t. These people don’t realize or appreciate what they have in the present moment, and they will continue not to appreciate what they have until it is gone. They will never treat you right, no matter how hard you have tried, and after 4 years, i believe it is time to let go. You are incredibly mature to understand this situation, to step back and access what is the right thing to do, and to understand that hierarchy and popularity is not everything. It is not what your world revolves around. It is not worth being ‘popular’ when you give up your happiness. These ‘friends’ that you allegedly have are not your friends. I don’t want to be too harsh darling, but I’d like to tell you the real truth.

Lets break this down slowly alright? Social situations are never easy! Especially if you have Aspergers and Autism, it is extra hard, but you are dealing with it so so well honey, and I really hope that you do persevere on. There are times when we do want to move away, we don’t want to drag ourselves out of bed to see these people that make our lives miserable. I feel like you’re a lot like me, you forgive and forget really easily, but these people just take our kindness for granted, and they will come to believe that you will forgive them easily everytime. But this is our personality, and that is theirs. It is embedded in who we are and we can’t change that, no matter how vulnerable our personality makes us, we are kind and honest people.

The person that was forced out of your friendship group in Year 9 was the first indicator that this group was an unfriendly group. You should’ve realized this and gotten out as quickly as possible. This is just something to keep in mind for the next time you run into a similar situation. True friends will stick by their friends at all times, they will never intentionally force a friend out of their friendship group. It is mean and it is bullying, and you need to learn how to recognize that ahead of time. It may seem right now like it’s impossible to move on, that you will be alone without these girls, but you will not be. The first few months maybe, but soon you will learn that the world is not that lonely of a place. With 7 billion people in this world, you are bound to find somebody just like you - that is your best friend. The world isn’t over, it’s just starting, and you will meet difficulties such as these in your life, but you have to learn to deal with it sensibly and maturely - like you are already starting to do. If your friend C can find new friends you can too, and I’m going to walk you through how it’s going to be okay?

First when you detach yourself from the group, you need to let them know that you are done. Be mature, and keep your head up, and tell them that you are no longer interested in being their friends anymore. Say that your personalities and your core values do not match, and you do treasure the times that the bunch of you share, but you believe it’s the best if you go separate ways. Be mature, if they decide to attack you, do not attack back. You need to be the better person and not create even more drama for yourself because detaching will be drama itself. You furthermore need to prepare yourself for the bad things that they will begin to say behind your back, you need to make sure you have your own version of the story to tell - the truth, because people will talk. You need to make sure you don’t attack them, because that is the worst thing to do as you will stir up more drama and hatred between you and your former friends that way and you don’t want that. For the first few months when you detach, you need to keep your head down. It is not worth being in the spotlight because the more in the spotlight you are the more people will talk, and the best thing to do is keep a low profile for a month or two. Focus on school, focus on extra curricular activities, make sure your grades are pristine and spend time with your family. Build a strong foundation in your life before you load anything else on yourself. Help people when you can, be open to new relationships and new friendships. Scout the school because there will be somebody. Soon people will recognize your kind heart and invite you to their events, and into their circle. Make friends, and don’t be too afraid of conversations. It’s okay. Furthermore, I’d like you to take notice of the qualities in your old friends and make sure they are not present in the new group of friends that you join. The fact is they took advantage of your generosity, they are unkind and are simply just bullies. Cyber bullying and attacking somebody is bullying and they may not believe it is so when they do it but it is. The world will not be as kind to them in the future.

If you ever feel too much anxiety in the future we have a page on our website that will help you calm down if you ever need to.

http://anything-advice-blog.tumblr.com/navigation

(Look under the anxiety heading!)

Don’t be too afraid of the unknown, but I’d like you to be happy. That is the most important thing right now. The unknown is scary, but it is the best thing for you right now. You shouldn’t be the awkward lemon, you and your best friend should put each other first, you don’t deserve to be treated like the awkward add on, feel excluded. That is not real friendship. Find somebody that is like you. Doesn’t matter how popular they are, in 5 or 6 years, that won’t even matter.

I really hope this helps love,

Chloe x