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misscammiedawn · 5 months ago

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Bit (2019) - Queer Reclamation of Stolen Youth

CW: Blood

Bit is a 2019 movie written and directed by Brad Michael Elmore and starring transgender actress Nicole Maines. The story follows a young transgender woman named Laurel visiting her brother in California and being recruited to join a women's only gang of queer vampires.

A group that is ruled strictly by a rigid rule set.

The very first scene makes this clear, introducing the leader of the gang, "full blown fucking dyke" Duke, as she kills a freshly turned male vampire and sentences one of her gang's members to a year in "the hole" for attempting to add a boy to their ranks.

They must all adhere to their 3 rules of operation. The final and most important being:

"No fucking boys." That is to say no boys are allowed to be included in their group... but the literal read is also true. Lesbians only.

The story begins in earnest with the introduction of a main character having just graduated high school in a rural town and about to travel down to spend the summer in LA with her older brother.

During her first scene at a graduation party a drunk classmate approaches her to tell her how brave she is and she retreats to spend a moment with Andy, her sole friend, who implies an attraction to her brother and admonishes her for abandoning him, saying that she is never going to return and that when she finds her people she will likely forget about him.

The movie knows it is queer media for a queer audience. For how much the entire movie is about LGBT themes it often is kind enough to leave things implied. Andy is Laurel's gay best friend in high school and the two of them rely on one another as the only source of queer community in their environment. Andy sees Laurel escaping as abandonment because he knows all too well that she will get a taste of the progressive lifestyle in LA and will never return to their pacific northwest town to go back to masking and hiding. He knows their friendship is over, even if Laurel doesn't yet.

All too often it happens. People never expect it at first but when someone finds their community, their people it becomes impossible to remain in the ponds and pools they were once in. T4T relationships work so effortlessly because there's an entire rich inner language that we have from common experiences that are so difficult to translate to cis friends and yet are inherently understood by others who have lived it. It's not just safety in community it is understanding.

All of this is communicated through vibes. All Andy directly says is "you're going to meet interesting people and you're going to forget about me" and his homosexuality is revealed through a flirtatious comment about Laurel's brother.

Laurel's gender identity itself is only addressed through implications (like hiding her larynx with a shoelace choker that gets mentioned in dialogue a few times) or roundabout statements. The word "trans" is never uttered once in the film.

"Men can't handle power. They have it already and look at what they've done with it." "What about me. [I'm transgender]" "Never even crossed my mind."

"I just wanna say-- what you've done [coming out as transgender] is just so cool."

"People aren't going to be patronizing [about me being transgender], are they?" "People aren't like that here. As much."

"I never stood in the way of you becoming who you are [transgender] but it turns out who you are is a selfish bitch."

I have watched this movie with people who did not realize that either Laurel or her actress Nicole Maines were transgender. I cannot understand how they couldn't see it but they couldn't.

On her first night in LA she goes out to a club to see a rock concert. The movie shows Laurel is defensive, getting violent with someone who invades her personal space and she spots someone (a vampire hunter who suspects her of being in the coven) starring her down. The movie is putting us in the mindspace of a young transgender woman in a new space unable to detect threats. She feels like she is being clocked and targeted by everyone around her.

It's not until one of the vampire gang approaches her that she is able to lighten up. In dialogue they imply recognizing her as queer with "you're not from around here, I can just tell" style dialogue. Laurel is quick to allow herself to be taken away to the vampire's hideout where she gets to be with her people for the first time.

To avoid this being one of those "I just sum up the movie with no analysis" posts I'll trust that those who are intrigued will watch the film and get to the point.

Laurel is fed upon by one of the lesbian vampires and before the kill can happen Duke, the leader, stops it and allows Laurel to complete the transformation into a vampire because she "reminds me of someone I used to know"

She is referring to herself.

A time when she, a 15 year old lesbian, ran away from her midwest home to NYC to find queer community. She notes that even homeless and performing sex work opposed to her preferences, she was happier because she was living free and as herself. She learned how to thrive.

Duke sees in Laurel the same thing she herself lived in the 1970s, directly tying the socio-political landscape of gay youth of the time with trans youth of the modern era. Watching over their shoulder, fearing being targeted, unable to exist comfortably without the safety and understanding of community.

She says it very directly in her pitch to Laurel while inviting her to join the "V-Club"

"We're politically, socially and mythologically fucked. Our roles are secondary. Our body's suspect, alien, other. We're made to be monstrous so let's be monsters. [...] What we offer is not the chance to join a group but to truly be an individual."

The issue of course is, when Duke tells her backstory, she suffered and gained her identity through pain and hardship. She fought to survive and eventually learned how to thrive and then... against her wishes, against her consent... she was slammed back into the closet.

A powerful vampire, Vlad, singled her out and circumvented her agency and made her one of his brides. For decades Duke was stuck living a heteronormative life, having accessed her truth and her community and then been kept away from it.

"It was like I was trapped in my own body. I was aware of who I was, who I used to be, but I could do nothing about it."

After managing to escape from this life Duke seals Vlad's heart and begins to consume it bit by bit.

There is 100% a valid reading of this movie where Duke is a repressed transmasc lesbian. She fears consuming all of Vlad's heart because she fears it will make her "like him" but she is addicted to the power and agency that she feels from consuming him. We later learn that she has been doing to her gang what Vlad did to her.

Duke is terrified of becoming a man and rejects those aspects of herself while continually indulging them. Moralizing on how evil the version of masculinity she perceives in the world is while engaging in those acts herself.

Someone with better media literacy than I would be able to do a fuller read of that.

But the read I focus on is this one:

Duke's youth was stolen from her as she was forced to live a closeted life of abuse by a domineering man and she projects her wishes for those stolen years into how she lives and how she views others. She directly controls the minds of her gang in order to maintain a safe life buffered by stolen power and lashing out at men who remind her in any way of her abuser.

In robbing her group of their agency and pushing them to agree with her, the pain and hatred that she feels becomes that of the entire group. Their sympathies to men are overruled and the space remains closed off and combative. Insular.

She wishes to continue living the highs of her first taste of agency in her life while robbing those around her of theirs. Through fear and a certainty of being right she has effectively become the very thing she despises.

Meanwhile, Laurel, finally living with her community, abandons her roots and neglects the portions of her life that do not relate to her new community which causes her gay best friend to attempt suicide (I do not condone the movie's attempt to make Laurel responsible for this, mind, we have severe issues with any attempt to frame suicide attempts as the responsibility of anyone but the person attempting) and directly nearly kills her brother.

The movie is very much about the vulnerability of solitary queer individuals and the power and comfort that we gain from banding together and finding community but also about how we must not emulate the abusive power structures that we escape from in our quest to find safety in our identities.

It's important that Duke is a hypocrite. The three rules are:

Never glamour another vampire.

Always kill what you eat.

No fucking boys

It's no coincidence that the first rule is not to glamour another vampire. It's how Vlad controlled Duke for decades. She should never wish that fate on anyone else and yet she is so terrified of losing that which she has earned but also because she was terrified of others losing that which they had earned "I did it to make it easier to help you." she says. Her insecurities are projected onto the group and become their dogma.

Duke isn't wrong for her hatred or her fear. She is wrong for not trusting her allies, she's wrong for forcing her beliefs, she is wrong for being the sole arbiter of who is an acceptable member of their community and who is not.

The movie ends with Laurel noting that she pictures a world where everyone is a vampire because then they could all figure their shit out. That people who have power tend to jealousy guard it for themselves but power can and should be shared.

The final scene involves the new vampire group collectively taking portions of Vlad's heart and consuming his power.

Single points of failure are rampant within any community. When a single figure is held up as the entire basis of a group then removing them or discrediting them will always destroy the safety of the space. This is true in every community but it's heartbreaking when it's true in queer spaces.

One person should never be calling all the shots, making their biases become collective prejudice or their traumas become the realities of all within the safety. We all have stories. We all have truths. We all have realities which we need to share and receive acknowledgement and comfort for.

Vulnerable groups should band together and insular thinking will destroy us if we let it.

The movie isn't the best by anyone's standards.

But damn if the movie isn't a rare piece of queer media that isn't made for a cis audience. I'll always hype up something like that and make sure it reaches more eyes.

#dawn posting #bit (2019)#vampires #queer media #trans media #this is my gender and I am proud of it #cammie likes vampires #lesbian vampires #trans vampires #just vampires in general really #media essays #not my best work if I'm being honest #this movie doesn't have a lot to sink one's teeth into #but I felt like typing and the movie was on my mind

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girl4music · 8 months ago

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The significance and depth of the WayHaught Wedding as an endgame.

There’s something so ridiculously badass about Waverly with her signature shotgun freeing Bobo from prison and then saving the world by blowing up the Homestead barn all the while wearing her Mama’s dress. Especially because this is the dress she ends up getting married to Nicole in - albeit with Waverly modifications. Just the choice to have her in a wedding dress in general while she does all of this was a great one because it shows her growth from a woman that initially tailored who she was to whoever it was she was dating at the time, to someone that ends up looking a demon in the eyes and telling them this:

“Save your partronizing mouth garbage. I can be a hero AND a wife.” - Waverly Earp.

I can’t help feeling that that is at the least in part due to Nicole never asking her to be someone she’s not. That’s what she needed. Someone that could teach her what healthy love and partnership actually felt like. Where she didn’t ever have to be anybody but Waverly even while going through an identity crisis of sorts because Nicole loved her because she was herself.

I’m pretty sure she found it incredibly hot that Waverly could be her crazy ass, brave heroic self while in a wedding dress. That she didn’t have to look the part to play the part. To BE the hero. She’d be so into that. So at the end of the show when Waverly puts that dress on to get married in - it’s a statement of equality and multi-dimensionality. That’s why Nicole was so dumbstruck by her in it. She recognized ALL OF Waverly was who she was marrying. And god damn if she didn’t fall in love with her all over again… because that dress encapsulates EVERYTHING that Waverly is:

A woman. A wife. A hero. An angel. The beauty of Waverly being more than one thing at any one time is true female representation and you know Emily Andras did it purposefully because she was just so sick of having to see one-dimensional queer female characters with no agency in TV art/entertainment.

I love the wedding not just because of what it means for Waverly and Nicole as a beautiful WLW couple but also because of what it means for both individually. What their vows to each other mean. What the choice to have the wedding on the Homestead means. And maybe nobody else has gone this deep into analysis with the wedding as I have - but I just love how much they’re truly depicted as EQUALS at their endgame and that this is the start of their happily married lives together as wives AND as heroes. That’s really cool because a marriage is a partnership of true equality. Meaning you don’t lose who you are as a person when you tie yourself to another person. At least - you shouldn’t. You just become so much more with them than you even knew that you had in you initially.

#wynonna earp #gone as a girl can get #old souls #wayhaught #waverly earp #dom pc #nicole haught #katherine barrell #jeremy chetri #varun saranga #wedding dress #female representation #wlw representation #emily andras #the significance and depth of the wayhaught wedding as an endgame

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nicsalazar · 5 months ago

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Helping Paw || Felix & Nicole

TIMING: Current LOCATION: Somewhere in Gatlin Fields PARTIES: @recoveringdreamer & @nicsalazar SUMMARY: Amidst the chaos, Nicole finds Felix's jaguar. WARNINGS: Mentions of parental and sibling death.

The columns of fire and smoke rose above tree canopies, tinting the sky with the bright shade of destruction. Preview of what Nicole was to encounter when she reached her destination: An avoidable tragedy, she could only assume. Most times, this was the case.

When she received the message, Nicole couldn’t stay home. Not while others lost everything. She knew what that felt like all too well. Perhaps, it was why adrenaline ran in her veins as she grabbed her keys and rushed out the door. This time she didn’t have to run, this time she was brave enough to help. Some of her training would have to come in handy, no?

Her knuckles turned white over the wheel, attempting to maneuver her pickup truck with both speed and caution. Too aware of the wildlife that must be scattered around due to the emergency. With scarce details about the magnitude of the event, it was impossible to know the consequences it could have in the surrounding areas.

She parked where she could find, too far away to get a glimpse of the state of the farm, but picking up on the sirens blaring in the distance. First responders, surely. Or reinforcement, depending on how unrelenting the flames were. Nicole wasn’t an optimist, experience suggested everything but a happy ending for the people who were caught in the fire.

Nicole trudged through the forest, following the trail of the smoky scent burning her nose, the protective scarf she wore over her face didn't do much. Amidst the chaos, a yowl broke the blaring of distant sirens. At the time, with her senses on high alert, she had no time to pick up on the familiarity. Assumptions were quickly made; Some type of wildcat was running from danger. Nicole froze, reconsidering her path. She knew better than to face a scared feline in her human form. But she could take a detour to the detour she was already taking. Though she couldn’t pinpoint where the sounds were coming from. Between the animal sounds, the sirens, and something else Nicole registered as human screams, she became disoriented.

—

It had been almost enjoyable, at first. The jaguar was rarely allowed to roam free, especially outside of the strange, uncomfortable building that Felix often trapped them inside, the one filled with little more than violence and pain. The jaguar had enjoyed stretching his legs, enjoyed sinking his teeth into things either not capable of or unwilling to cause damage to him in return. But as the fire raged and the sound of something shrill and unfamiliar filled the air, the feeling of freedom was quickly replaced by an old panic and an instinct to run.

And so that was what the jaguar did. He turned on his heel, taking off towards the woods, towards the familiarity of the trees. He could find a place to regroup, find a way to get far from all the danger this town had to offer. It hadn’t worked in the past, but perhaps now whatever it was that held him here would disappear. Perhaps now, he’d be allowed his freedom.

Dirt kicked up behind him as he sprinted away, feeling more and more at ease the further into the trees he retreated. He slowed a little, not quite to a trot but to something below a run. It was difficult to pick up on individual scents; the overwhelming aroma of smoke was overpowering on his sharp senses. He needed to get away from that, too. But… there was something familiar beneath it. Faint, almost hidden, but undeniably present all the same.

Jaguar.

Not just that, but a jaguar he recognized. The woman, the one he’d met in the woods with the insects. Was she at the farm, too? The jaguar let out a low, uncertain yowl — either a warning or a greeting, depending on who might have been listening.

—

Fuck. She expected the smoke, the flames, the sirens— The echoes of distress too, but adding a feral cat was more than her ears could handle. Logically, Nicole knew how imperative it was to tune out the array of noises attacking her eardrums if she wanted to be able to locate a wild animal ambling around the forest searching for its next meal. In reality, it was a lot fucking harder said than done. She pressed herself against the biggest tree she could find, taking advantage of the low visibility the smoke created to hide herself from what she assumed was a predator. Because she wasn’t the only one being ambushed by stimuli left and right. The sirens became a distant ringing, but the new problem was the blood pounding in her ears. She held her breath, trying to get out of her head, listening for footsteps or the sweep of the animals against the underbrush a snapping twig. Nothing was more unnerving than understanding something was on the prowl without knowing where.

The spirit within lent a hand. The muscles in her eyes twitched, and Nicole was suddenly capable of taking on the night with supernatural clarity. Thanks, she thought briefly, unsure if that sort of communication worked at all. She looked behind the tree in search of the yowling beast. Amber eyes landed on a shadow, and a familiar cold struck her chest, shutting down the wave of panic oscillating in her chest. The jaguar. Her jaguar. Nicole froze, waiting for a second sign. What did it want? She wasn’t in a situation where she needed to be bailed out yet, she knew her limits. She could handle this. “I got it,” she grunted in annoyance. It probably wasn’t a good excuse to the jaguar, she doubted it was satisfied, but it was hard to sound anything but overwhelmed with the smoke drifting close to the trees, rendering her scarf pointless.

The inner struggle with the spirit prevented her from focusing on the shadow that brought up her initial reaction. It was there, enveloped in a mist different from the smoke. A second jaguar. Two sets of amber eyes stared at each other and the shoe dropped. It was hard to get any hint of his scent, but… could it be— “Felix?” She tried, voice muffled. Maybe it was better for her if the jaguar didn’t hear her, though the staring made it obvious that he spotted her as well. She regretted making her presence known. Wasn’t the time to have a conversation with either a hungry jaguar or a scared jaguar. But why was Felix in the woods? Was he hurt? She looked up to the orange sky. Was he involved in the fire? They could be injured— She peeled herself away from the tree and did another stupid, yet brave thing. She faced the jaguar, raising her hands slowly. Cold wrapped around her ribcage again, squeezing air out of her lungs. But this time Nicole understood. Should it become a necessity, the jaguar was ready to come out. No second guessing, they were in agreement.

—

She said Felix’s name, and the jaguar yowled again, a quiet confirmation. His heart was pounding in his chest, anger and fear forming a dangerous cocktail deep within the belly of the beast. He was… uneasy with the events back at the farm, uncertain what to do now that he was away from them. Certainly, the people there had been a danger to Felix. The jaguar wasn’t sure if they still were. He didn’t know if they were a danger to this other jaguar, either, though he wasn’t sure that that was a thing that concerned him much. If she wanted to run into danger, he didn’t think he’d stop her. But she seemed more interested in him, for the moment.

Cautiously, the jaguar circled her. His eyes scanned the trees around them for threats, searching for anything he might need to dispatch. No one had followed him as he’d fled; he liked to believe it was because they feared them, as they ought to, but perhaps it was a simpler thing. Most people remaining had been wholly concerned with getting themselves free and away from danger. The jaguar wasn’t sure how many were left. He wondered if there was some way to communicate this to the woman before him, to warn her that she’d be walking towards a graveyard if she left here.

Still seeming uncertain, the animal sat on his haunches, tail curling around his legs as he stared at the woman. Were she human, he would have attacked already, would have torn limb from torso just to see the marvelous explosion of blood as the flesh separated. But the jaguar had been raised among others like himself. He’d played with other cubs at the feet of their mother, protected his siblings when the world stormed the gates of their fortress. Jaguars were solitary creatures, but this one felt some kinship towards others like himself. He wouldn’t attack this balam unless she gave him some reason to do so.

Tilting his head ever so slightly to one side, the jaguar yowled again. Communicating with humans was a difficult plight. The jaguar had never much cared for it.

—

She never liked cats very much. It was somewhat—no, fully ironic, Nicole was aware, given her lineage. But it was no competition, when it came to animals for her: Dogs were vastly superior creatures. Nacho was easy to understand, it wasn’t an exaggeration to say that sometimes, it felt like he understood the world he lived in better than she did. But she was certain, even if she didn’t have the best dog in the world, her feelings on the matter would remain unchanged. Cats, in comparison, were too temperamental for her liking. She appreciated their need for boundaries, but that was it. They were incompatible in every other possible aspect.

She could never communicate with a cat the way she did with Nacho. Least of all, the balam spirit she carried within. Of course, her shitty luck would have her in the middle of the forest, trying to reach an understanding not with one, but with two at the same time, when everything around them burned to a crisp. She should’ve walked toward the first responders. But she had no time to beat herself up for it when the ground crunched beneath as the jaguar stepped closer.

The spirit pulsed near her heart, while Nicole didn’t take her eyes off the jaguar circling her. Studying her. Fuck. Despite everything she was confident it wouldn’t attack. Balam were already so rare, she knew the other’s spirit wouldn’t want to bring them closer to extinction. Whether Felix would become a threat or not, there was a more pressing issue; She couldn’t communicate with them like this. She shivered, the scorching heat enveloping the forest contrasting with the cold wrapping around her ribcage. The spirit would know what to do.

Okay. She agreed to this. Right. And with the fire out of control and the flames that threatened to jump in their direction at any moment, the jaguar was the quickest way to safety for her too.

The jaguar. Would it keep its end of the deal? Just to bring both of them to safety? Or would it seize the opportunity to rip away everything from her again once more? Her body tensed in resistance to the shift. It would only lead to a more painful transformation but— Why would she trust it? She didn’t want to lose four years of her life again. And what if the jaguar released control, but she woke up to a sighting in the news tomorrow? It was an emergency, there would be plenty of witnesses that could come in contact with a tailless jaguar. Rescuers searching for people or animals. Onlookers with morbid curiosity. Would it look to be caught? Did it miss the Zoo? So much for no second-guessing. She should have known it was hard to escape one’s nature.

It was a matter of communication. And how could Nicole, already painfully flawed at communicating with humans, be any luckier with an animal? She couldn’t do this on her own. She had no time to sit down and decide on the most rational solution. All she felt was the blood pounding in her ears and the cold overtaking her torso. If the jaguar got caught, then at least— It— her friend would be safe from this fire. At least she did something brave before the spirit trapped her in its body again.

She undressed fast, shoving what could be shoved into her backpack. Jacket and pants. On the off chance she was able to return and retrieve it. She needed to come up with a system for the jaguar to carry her shit during shift. Another time—if… if she got one. Her amber gaze focused on Felix, reminding herself why this would be worth it. Through the snap of bones, the tear of flesh and the mist of the spirit seeping past the cracks, Nicole’s jaguar lept to the forest ground. A warming roar cut through the night, conveying what the human counterpart couldn’t: Fire encircled most of the ground, south was the path to safety.

—

This was exactly what he’d wanted. In a sense, the jaguar didn’t realize it until she began to undress, until the faint memory of Felix sometimes doing the same before choosing to shift allowed him to understand the purpose of the woman removing the strange, thin layer of not-quite-fur that humans seemed so fond of. He fell back onto his haunches, sitting and allowing his tail to curl around his body. With the pair of him, he thought, they would be far safer than either individual alone. There were still enemies about, still threats not yet vanquished. The two balam would stand a better chance together. The jaguar knew that.

He lacked the understanding to know that this woman might want him to shift back; in his agitated state, the jaguar had yet to even consider relinquishing control back to Felix. Felix had nearly gotten the pair of them killed, had been on the ground with a knife at their throat when the jaguar took over. If left to their own devices, Felix would likely run back into the fire instead of away from it, their desire to help their friends far greater than any sense of self preservation. The jaguar, for his part, was interested only in saving his skin. Wild animals rarely cared for much else.

The familiar sound of bones snapping filled the air, cutting through sounds of screams and sirens and crackling flames. The jaguar got to his feet once more, the yowl he let loose almost a celebratory thing. One jaguar became two in the clearing, and the one that was Felix’s was pleased with the results.

—

The orange of the night sky reflected on the jaguar’s glimmering gaze as it sprang free. The beast surveyed its unfamiliar surroundings, recognizing it wasn’t back in the zoo, as it longed for. Instead, it found itself in the middle of the forest, where nature welcomed the jaguar back. It wasn’t the comfort of its confinement, but the beast came alive as it felt the wind brush against its fur, ruffling orange and black hues. As it sensed the subtle energy thrumming beneath the ground. As it listened for the sound of birds soaring overhead or the shuffling feet of smaller wildlife. The animal was finally where it always belonged.

The air, however, crackled with a new, ominous energy, and the beast's primal drive kicked in. A threat loomed, cutting its appreciation for nature short. Although not a threat with razor sharp teeth and vicious claws. But with a blaring screech that went on forever, unprecedented lung capacity on display. The scent of smoke filled its senses, and the hot temperature against its fur made Nicole’s jaguar snarl. It was a new kind of danger, but one that would be be unsustainable in the long run. It needed to flee again. The jaguar’s head tilted with curiosity, tail low as its sense of imminent danger declined, because amid the daunting scene, there was Felix’s jaguar. The jaguar let out a small chuff, a greeting for an old friend.

His scent was familiar, even with the burnt foliage around them. The jaguar’s human counterpart cared for them. Her fondness for the other spread warm along its ivory belly. It felt also Nicole’s influence, not yet lulled into dormancy. A fight to get back in control stirring inside, searing hot into its sternum. It wasn’t enough to revert the shift. They had an agreement.

Feral gaze took on the other jaguar, uncertain despite their familiarity. Nicole was a later bloomer. Never managed a full shift until the fateful night her family was ambushed. The Salazars maintained secrecy regarding their true nature, stifling most of their lineage. She couldn’t recall ever coexisting with the other jaguars in her family out in the open. In hindsight it was all precaution to avoid slaughter. In hindsight, she should’ve fucking asked more questions. Nicole’s jaguar sauntered toward Felix’s without fear of being attacked. Both proud beasts by nature, yet unwilling to harm each other. The zoo was a haven when the world threatened both the human and the beast, but it was missing other balams. It was missing the innate connection between spirits. Kindred despite not sharing the same bloodline. Kindred through a millennia of ancient magic.

A connection that demanded both remained alive. It demanded the spirit to persevere. Nicole’s jaguar urged the other to run along with it, making it a chase, a playful thing. The jaguar never played with another before. But soon the other beast was roped into the scheme. They ran, past the trees and away from flames, smoke and destruction. Muscles rippling in a blur of dapled colors as they bolted toward safety.

A creek appeared on their way, and the beast descended toward it. The scent of charred wood barely reached its nostrils anymore. It approached the body of water slowly, vying for the other jaguar’s attention. With the run and the high temperatures, they were parched. Nicole’s jaguar observed, ears pinned back for potential threats lurking, then took the initiative and drank from it.

—

Woman gave way to beast, and Felix’s jaguar felt some strange relief as it happened. He hadn’t the capacity to recognize his own loneliness in the chaos that befell the farm around him, hadn’t understood the complex emotions swirling within him. He liked to believe that such things were remnants of Felix, the human’s mind still lurking somewhere in the back and causing undue complications. The reality wasn’t quite so simple. The jaguar felt fear, felt doubt, felt anger and loneliness the same way his human host did.

And he felt comfort, too. It was a quiet thing, not nearly as familiar as the rage, but it was soft and warm and he ached for it. He felt comfort in the presence of another balam, felt better with her here and shifted than he had moments before, when he ran through the woods free and terrified. She approached him, and the warmth that washed over him wasn’t dissimilar to what he’d felt with his siblings as a child. This balam had less experience with shifting than Felix’s jaguar, but it didn’t matter much in the moment. What mattered to the jaguar was that he was no longer alone.

She urged him to run, and he did. He chased her just as he had chased his brother and sisters as a cub, the danger of the burning farm behind them a forgotten thing. The flames couldn’t touch them here, the enemies Felix’s jaguar had torn through a faraway thought. The creek stretched out before them, and he approached it for a much needed drink, calm settling over him as he eased the aching caused by the smoke in his throat.

Felix continued to fight for control from within and, as the adrenaline died down, their jaguar had less and less inclination to fight back. The chaos was far behind, and he was safe with an ally now. The desire to maintain control, to run was still there, but it was a flatter thing now. Another day, perhaps, he’d have clung to it more readily. But right now, he felt tired enough to let it go. The shift was a slow one all the same, a fight from both sides even if the jaguar fought with less passion than he normally might have. Bones snapped into a new form, fur disappeared beneath skin, and Felix took the place of the jaguar once more, terror still gripping their throat.

“Thank you,” they murmured to the other jaguar — to Nicole. They glanced back in the direction of the farm, the smoke still billowing into the sky. The jaguar spirit within them seemed to move around, offering a silent warning against going back.

—

Nicole’s jaguar wouldn’t have known tragedy struck a mile away if it hadn’t run from the danger itself. The creek was the picture of peace and quiet, the stark difference allowing the beast to slowly lower its defenses. Its insistent sniffing ceased, its ears relaxed. It couldn’t hear the blaring monsters anymore. Only the wind rustling the leaves. An owl, crickets. A croak somewhere distant. It was peace like it hadn’t experienced in a decade. Long before the Zoo. The jaguar turned to observe its companion following, mirroring its action and drinking from the creek. After the smoke and the flames, it was a necessity.

The other jaguar sensed the lack of threat similarly, and as a result, he looked content to step back and allow the human to come to the surface. Nicole’s jaguar retreated, apprehensive, tail whipping in the air again. A snarl tumbling past sharp teeth. Being in the presence of the human wasn’t what it wanted. It was the other animal who shared its nature. The other jaguar who felt the importance of the spirit.

And if he turned human—

It was time to relinquish control. As a naked figure appeared on the forest floor, Nicole’s jaguar began its internal battle. The creature deemed it too short of an outing. It needed more time. The agreement was unbalanced, why should the human have the final word? But amber eyes set on them, the human friend —Felix— and it knew it would be a battle hard to win. The sounds Felix made meant nothing to the jaguar, but their tone reached deep. The human within, her presence— her will, it was stronger than before. Pulsing along its ribcage, fighting to free herself with purpose. Was she learning better control? That couldn’t be good for its future. For its survival. The jaguar didn’t let fear show. Too proud for it, and thought it would keep the agreement they reached for the night, the spirit wasn’t pleased. It would demand retribution, at the right time.

The spirit loosened its hold, but Nicole’s mind, however, struggled to rise to the surface. Escaping from the lifeless void of slumber to settle back into reality she was desperate to cling to. It felt out of reach for moments, a pull tried to drag her back, before she finally seized it. She swam toward conscience.

Her body fell forward, and she heard the splash before she understood what was happening. She scrambled to stop from diving into the water. Panting, she tried sitting up, absorbing the world around her once more. Eyes widened in terror, darting around, desperately seeking confirmation that time hadn’t jumped. That her last memories — the farm, Felix— were recent. She couldn’t— another leap would end her.

But Felix was there, by her side, their expression resonating with Nicole. The sky behind them bled orange in the distance. They were by her side— so that meant— The jaguar didn’t cage her for long. Her skin erupted in goosebumps. “Felix—” she rasped, lifting her arm, deciding against the comfort she wished to give her friend. Only to beat herself up for the decision a second later. Indecision paralyzed her movements, but her thoughts swarmed her head. What—How—Why? More importantly, Felix next to her, safe from the fire. “Are you hurt? Why were you in the woods?”

—

Nicole began to shift, the sounds of bones snapping and reforming a familiar one. Felix brought their knees to their chest, wrapping an arm around them and settling into a waiting position. Their throat ached, even after the jaguar’s attempt to soothe it with the water from the stream. Their heart was pounding, even miles away from that billowing smoke. And dread pooled in their stomach, swirling and churning at the thought of what they’d left behind.

What had the jaguar done to get them out of there? They couldn’t help but wonder. The spirit was fiercely protective, but it never seemed to understand the difference between friends and foes. It clung to violence, doled it out so readily with a rage Felix had never been able to match. The man who’d attacked them was likely dead; the idea of the jaguar letting him live was a far-fetched, impossible thing. But what about Daisy? What about Monty, what about Wynne? What about all the other people who’d been at that party? How much blood was in their mouth? How much visceral would they have to scrub from beneath their nails?

The panic gripped them, a quiet sob rising from their throat. They tried to push it down, tried not to fall apart, but it was a difficult thing to manage. Something bad had happened, and maybe Felix was a part of it. There was blood in their mouth, and they couldn’t blame it on the Grit Pit or on Leo or on anyone besides themself. They hugged their knees tighter, burying their face against them as the sounds of shuffling beside them became a little more human.

She said their name, and they took a shuddering breath, shaking their head. “I don’t…” Were they hurt? They weren’t sure. Everything always felt so raw after a shift; like every nerve ending was exposed to the world. Adrenaline made it all the more difficult to tell, but they didn’t think it mattered. Their well being wasn’t nearly as important as what the jaguar might have done. “There was — We were at a party. We were at a party. It wasn’t — People came, and — There was a fire, and I don’t — I think —” It was hard to get words to work the way they wanted them to. It was a party. A party. It wasn’t supposed to be like this, wasn’t supposed to end like this. A sob wracked Felix’s frame, rising up and trembling in their shoulders.

—

Felix’s face was coated in blood from the jaguar’s preys. The water stream washed away some of it, but Nicole knew what it was like, to wake up tasting somebody’s blood. To be aware that the beast within sated its hunger by taking a life. The guilt of an act she had no part in eased over the years, perhaps she grew numb to it, but there were remnants. The metallic taste in her mouth as she gained consciousness was one example. Felix grappled with it too. And they tried to get the story out despite their frazzled state. Sympathy pulsed in her chest, the spirit stirring faintly.

“Hey, you’re—” fine, she wanted to say. Okay. But Felix wasn’t fine, they weren’t okay. Their words were fragmented by shock and fear. Sorrow heavy between each breath. Something protected Nicole from locking herself away as Felix recalled the facts, but there was— the familiarity of it left her cold. Felix was at a party too, it was supposed to be safe. Who would think of storming a party? Details were missing, but it was clear Felix watched everything go up in flames, they likely sought their loved desperately, they—

She no longer felt the grass prickling on her knees, nor the gentle splash of the creek near. Her eyes locked far away. Trying to reach the past. She was above her, or— behind, separate from herself, watching, incapable of reacting to Felix’s distress. She was back in Vermont, where the plates crashed against the kitchen floor as the first intruder struck, where her mother’s frenzied screams echoed, gutting Nicole better than a hunter’s knife could, where she didn’t reciprocate her father’s last ‘I love you’, where the blade tore her shoulder blade, where her sister’s grasp slip away despite her best efforts. Where the jaguar stole her youth.

The forest disappeared, it stopped existing. Felix disappeared. She was back in the place where she last left her soul.

In the aftermath, there was no one. Only the vast wilderness and herself. She never found the clues to uncover what transpired that night. She had no one yet many, too, at the same time. Strangers in a hazy gas station in the middle of nowhere. The old woman who offered a roof and a warm meal. A guy who fixed up a pickup truck for her. The curious kid who talked to her tirelessly, until words were finally comfortable in her tongue again after years exiled from her body and mind.

A sob came from somewhere— from the backyard—no, next to her. Nicole was dragged back to the present. Felix had someone. But a someone who wasn’t doing fucking shit for them. “I’m here,” she whispered tearfully. It didn’t mean much. It felt empty. A dreadful lie, she was never here. Nicole knew Felix would have been better with somebody else by their side. They’d would’ve preferred it, surely. Someone with a comforting touch and nurturing words and— She wasn't that. Fuck, she was so much less than that. Most days she was nothing. An entity with far less presence than the spirit stirring inside her. Not a day went by when Nicole didn’t wish to be someone else. Someone warmer, wiser, anybody but her. But what else could she do?

If things had been different, if her father didn’t sacrifice himself to give her and her siblings a chance, or if she didn’t let that chance go to waste, if her grip on her sister was stronger as the hunters chased them. If they never came to begin with. Then she would be the big sister who wrangled Yadiel and told him to get his shit together. Would've been the person Nayeli came to share her secrets with. The person who would’ve known how to comfort a friend in need without hesitance.

Perhaps there was still time to be some version of that. Slightly mangled by the past, by the jaguar, by her coping skills. With steep disadvantage, but— She shifted her body, sitting by Felix’s side, shoulder to shoulder. “I’m here,” she repeated, spoken like an apology, because Felix deserved a better somebody. She leaned to touch her temple to theirs, her hand resting on their forearm. It wasn’t much, but it would have to be enough. Felix was terrified, but they weren’t alone. No one deserved to be.

She let them sob for a moment, forcing herself not to dive into her memories again. There was enough tragedy in front of her. As Felix’s breath slowed down, Nicole had already thought of a few things to say. “What went down over there… will be on the news. We’ll know—you’ll know what happened to your friends soon.” It wasn’t comfort. Casualties would come. Some of which Felix would have a hand on. But answers too would come, and answers would cushion their fall.

—

Nicole went quiet and, in a better state, Felix might have recognized the faraway look in her eyes. Everyone in this town seemed to have something haunting them, some quiet tragedy that carved empty spaces into their lives. Most people didn’t talk about it. Felix, for their part, mentioned their own past rarely, and only to people they thought they could trust with it. The details of their mother’s death were locked behind their ribcage like a prison cell, separate from the rest of them so that they could grow into something softer than what that event demanded of them. Their father’s attitude — towards them, towards humanity, towards everything — lived beside it like a cellmate, knocking against the bars with every beat of their heart.

Later, they might wonder if what happened at that farm would be stuffed into the same cage. Could they swallow the smoke and flames that had burned their lungs, could they separate themself from the blood in their mouth? Was it a disservice to do so? They didn’t know how to live with the things that must have happened, the things they must have done, but they weren’t sure it was fair to ignore them, either. What did you owe to the people you’d hurt when you were not yourself? What did Felix owe to whoever’s blood was on their tongue, or to the fighters in the Grit Pit who probably saw a jaguar in their nightmare? Did he owe it to all of them to remember, to let it suffocate him? Or… was it better to move on, to grow from it?

There didn’t seem to be a good answer. Nor was there an answer to the question of what they now owed to Nicole for finding them, for bringing them back to themself. They might have been better off in their shifted form, without the pressing weight on their chest or the way their lungs couldn’t seem to draw a full breath, but they were glad to be themself in spite of it. The jaguar was stronger, was faster, was better at both eliminating danger and living with the consequences of it, but Felix wanted to be Felix. More than anything in the world, Felix wanted only to be allowed to be themself the way they couldn’t in their father’s house, the way they couldn’t in the Grit Pit. Maybe this heaving, sobbing thing in the woods was the closest they’d come to it in a long time. Maybe there was nothing good about being who you were when who you were was this.

“I hurt people,” they gasped quietly, trembling with fear or with grief or with both. (Weren’t the two always interchangeable?) “I think I hurt people.” They leaned into her, feeling guilty for the selfishness of it. This wasn’t her weight to carry, but it was too heavy for Felix to lift on their own. And she was here. She was here, and they were afraid enough to allow themself to believe that that was a good thing, that they deserved to have someone here even with blood on their tongue and a fire raging close enough to smell.

It would be on the news, she told them. They’d know what happened soon. And Felix wondered, with a desperate gulp, if they wanted to. They thought of all the things they might have been better off not knowing, all the questions they didn’t ask after a shift at the Grit Pit because sometimes, ignorance was the closest thing to bliss that they could manage. Soon, they’d have more answers. It felt more like a gallows they were marching towards than any kind of salvation.

“I’m sorry,” they said quietly, unsure if they were apologizing for whatever had happened at the farm or for leaning on her or for making her carry the weight with them or for all of it. For everything, maybe; for what they were, for what they did with it, for the way they knew she understood the feeling. “I’m sorry. I think — I think we should go. I think we should run. I don’t think we should be here anymore.”

—

Her hand barely grazed Felix’s arm, yet it was all Nicole could pay attention to. All her brain decided she needed to focus on. The gesture was uncomfortable, alien for her in spite of how much she was growing to care for Felix. She wasn’t used to it anymore, the jaguar ripped it from her year by year in the wilderness, then in the zoo. Though she didn’t want to take it back either. That felt plain wrong. She had to settle for the all-encompassing anxiety, remaining still right where Felix needed her. What would it be like, not to question every action, every word, every feeling? She would’ve liked to comfort Felix in a manner that mattered. A manner that helped. Make sure they were supported through it, but it was too big a weight to pick up.

Felix admitted to hurting people, rather, they believed it happened. Nicole didn’t flinch. She already assumed something along those lines must’ve occurred. When the jaguar was at large, lives were always at risk. They carried a natural predator within, they carried a monster capable of destruction. “Okay—” she replied, awkwardly. Didn’t everybody hurt others? Intentionally or unintentionally. Didn’t she have jaguar kills to answer for as well? She didn’t know if sinking into her own self-hatred would do them any good. She never thought she would be one to defend what they were, when for the longest time she would’ve loved to be rid of the spirit. “I have too. The jaguar— It…it hurts people. Has to. Needs it to survive,” the beast didn’t see it like that, Nicole mused. The jaguar killed and feasted on its prey till its belly was full and there wasn’t rationale in the act. It was the way of nature. And— it was expected of them to understand how important it was for the jaguar to survive. How blessed they were, chosen to carry such a unique spirit.

Sitting on the grass, one of them sobbing in uncertainty and fear, the other too stunted to comfort them, Nicole was affronted by all the tales she grew up hearing about. They were not special. Only two unlucky people, there was nothing to be proud of.

Felix didn’t look relieved to hear answers would soon come, and she cursed herself mentally for what she said. They didn’t need the logical answer, they needed— Perhaps it would be better for both of them if Nicole didn’t speak again. The air was too heavy with grief for her words to cut through it. Felix continued to sob, a trail of tears dampening her hair. All she did was stay there, as promised. Until the apology made her pull away, confusion etched on her features. What were they sorry for? She didn’t have to understand, she only had to listen to their voice, feel the emotion. It used to be so much easier before she was stripped form her humanity. She nodded curtly, accepting their words.

A shiver ran down her spine as Felix suggested they go. They meant the forest, of course, she was conscious, but she would be lying if Felix wasn’t voicing a desire she felt during her darkest days. And some days after too, when the rays of sun began warming up her skin again. Wasn’t her only talent to run? Why did she stop? “That’s smart,” she rasped, giving Felix another small nod of encouragement. “Fire’s unpredictable,” and they were far from where it ignited, but flames jumped and the wind could twist its path. The forest wasn't as safe for them as she would like it to be.

Nicole kneeled, gaze sweeping their surroundings. Though the creek offered a much needed stop, they were supposed to face the world again. She rose from the ground, extending her hand for Felix. “Truck should still be— somewhere,” fuck, she was quite proficient at tracking but without knowing the jaguar’s route— “Won’t risk it, though,” if they couldn’t find it, they would— fuck they were naked. Couldn’t ask for a ride. They… the way home would be by foot. Felix could borrow some of her clothes.

—

She’d hurt people, too. Most of their friends had, hadn’t they? Monty, Anita, Wyatt, Teagan… It was so much easier to forgive their crimes than it was for Felix to absolve himself of his own. Lockjaw killed Razor, and Felix told Wyatt that it wasn’t his fault, that the Pit was the one to blame. Monty spoke of his dark past, and Felix assured him that because he was different now, because he was apologetic, none of it mattered. Samir used to talk about how he hurt people during his shifts, and Felix would remind him that the wolf wasn’t him, that there was a difference between himself and the animal inside of him. Teagan bloodied her hands, and Felix helped her clean them with quiet reassurances. Anita felt no remorse for what she did, and Felix thought she must have been right for it.

Those same certainties were absent when they looked inward. They hurt people in the Grit Pit, but the grace they offered Wyatt felt wrong when they tried to apply it to themself because they should have known better, because they signed up for the Pit knowing what it was and were so blinded by their love for Leo that they hadn’t let it stop them. They were sorry for the terrible things they’d done in their past, but sorry didn’t seem like a strong enough word when it fell from their lips. The jaguar wasn’t Felix, but they took the fall for his crimes all the same, wrapped them around their own throat like a noose waiting to tighten and begged the world to hang them for what the beast had done. Their hands were red and stayed red, no matter how they scrubbed beneath their nails. They’d never once felt they were right for the people they’d hurt, even if some of them might have deserved hurting.

Even now, they wanted to push their feelings aside and reassure Nicole, tell her it was okay that she had hurt people despite not believing the same of themself. The jaguar needed to hurt people to survive, but it felt more true of Nicole than it did of Felix. It felt wrong to try and pretend that the things he’d done needed doing. It felt irredeemable to make excuses when they had no idea whose blood was on their tongue.

So they said nothing at all. They curled in on themself a little tighter, they registered the quiet aches of injuries they hadn’t yet had time to catalog. There was so much blood sticking to their skin; what did it matter if some of it was their own? Wouldn’t it have been better if all of it was? They wished they were still on the farm, and they wished they were anywhere else in the world. Guilt and grief, when it was this heavy, was always a mess of contradiction.

Nicole spoke of the fire and its unpredictability; Felix had almost forgotten that anything was burning at all. It wasn’t the fire they wanted to flee, but what was inside of it. They couldn’t run from it forever, they knew; sooner or later, whatever had happened during the jaguar’s run would become clearer than they wanted it to be. Sooner or later, they’d know exactly whose blood they tasted on their tongue. And they couldn’t unknow it once it was clear, couldn’t unburn the barn. That had always been the problem, hadn’t it?

They shifted their position, straightening themself out and swallowing tightly. Even after the water from the stream, everything tasted like blood. Felix thought it probably would for a very long time. “We can walk,” they said quietly, forcing themself painfully to their feet. “I’m okay to walk. I — It would be better, I think.” After all, when they were finished here, all that was waiting for them was the boiler room at the Grit Pit, where they’d be as alone as they’d ever been. Maybe they could be with Nicole for a little while, but not for long. They wouldn’t be permitted to be away from the Pit for long. But… glancing towards the still rising smoke, Felix thought that this might be exactly what they deserved.

“Come on,” they said quietly, offering Nicole a hand to help her to her feet. The movement pulled at something that the still-raging adrenaline kept them from feeling in its entirety; they figured that was for the best, too. “Let’s — Let’s get out of here. Please.”

#wickedswriting #w: felix #w #w: helping paw #parental death tw #sibling death tw

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pvccblog · 6 months ago

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JUST GETTING STARTED

Another wonderful day in Oregon! Our day started off with the breakfast of champions - spam and eggs!!

The wind seems to have shifted a bit and the wildfire smoke was pretty heavy today. It didn't stop the campers from having an excellent time at sports camp! It was interesting though, they were complaining about the heat today. To us, the weather was perfect!! Around here, if the temperature hovers near 80 degrees it is too hot. Quite different from the destinations we usually travel to for these trips! We are used to triple digits so this weather is quite pleasant for our team.

Axel taught the lesson today and it was about Jesus healing the paralyzed man. The kids seemed pretty engaged. We are praying that the lessons will sink in and that the kids will remember them and be able to apply them to their lives. We are also praying for any of them who do not know Jesus - that they would come to know him in a real and personal way!

At BARF Night, we played a new game. Pastor Fred's son Josiah had a birthday today and he wanted play wiffle Ball tonight. We ended up playing "Extreme Ultimate Wiffle Ball" and it was a blast. It seemed to be just as fun for those watching us play, they were quite entertained.

We also played Rabbit Sticks and it was a very tiring, competitive, even match. Axel ended up winning for his team with a dive across the line that left him bruised, cut, and with dirt all over himself. Keep in mind that this was after he slid into home plate during the wiffle ball game and blood was drawn. He's a beast!

Martina is such a great young woman of God. She shared her testimony tonight and it had an impact. Her story resonated with many in the crowd. Even the parents came over to hear her share and they were very impressed that someone her age would be so brave to share in front of a crowd like this. Nicole and I are certainly proud of her, but we are not surprised. Martina has come on our Intergenerational Mission Venture for years and has even shared her testimony on that trip. Way to go Nina!

After BARF Night, we went over to Pastor Andrew's house. He is the pastor of the Baptist church I mentioned previously. He and his wife Tonya served us ice cream and we played games and hung out with their family and David's family and a couple of the local teens. It is pretty cool to see them invest in their community. David and his wife actually grew up in Glendale and have been serving in local youth ministry pretty much since they graduated from the local high school. It's been over 20 years!!! Praise the Lord for their long term commitment!

I also want to share how pleased I am with the unity of our team. We have never combined with another mission team and it's pretty amazing how they have merged together so well. Part of it is that some of our students grew up with Phin for a few years while he lived in Pine Valley, but I think it is also a testament to their upbringing and their relationship with Jesus and their desire to serve him and share the gospel with others. This is the smallest team we've ever had at PVCC, and some of our biggest years our teams had over 20 students. I am noticing this year that a small team that is so "locked in" can have incredible impact in a place like this. We are praising God that He knew who would be here this week and that he is using us to accomplish His mission!

Please continue to pray. We know that you are because God is working! There were a few great conversations at BARF Night with some teens and we are hoping this continues to develop. Tonight at Family Time we talked about how we can take longer breaks between games to allow for more opportunities to chat with people. I am not going to share a lot of details about these conversations but please know that they are happening!

We are looking forward to another great Wednesday! If you haven't already, scroll back and check out our video from our rafting trip on Sunday! Thanks everyone!

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danielforshort · 6 months ago

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Northern VA Native Plant Garden

Wow oh my goodness life turned upside down and inside out and overall not great! But in an effort to practice things that would help my mental health I started fussing around in my garden. The new house I'm in has a front yard and a backyard. I've decided to devote most of my attention to the backyard. I spend a lot of time scrolling through Facebook Marketplace and my various FB groups looking for free gardening materials. I'm not really planning on staying in the house past the year (though I'd like to be done moving honestly) so i don't want to invest too much money in the garden. But time and energy are fine to spend; I'm enjoying playing in the dirt so I get an immediate return of "childlike joy at playing in dirt" and a possible future return of "oh I grew stuff!"

My goal is to have an ornamental side of the garden and a raised garden bed for things I plan on eating. Currently i have a ton of yellow bell pepper seedlings (I started them a bit late in the season but it's been unseasonably warm these past few falls and mild winters) and 14 tomato plants! I do not like tomatoes but I do like to grow things and they're so easy.

I'm planning on making my raised bed out of some bricks/pavers/garden stones someone gave me. It doesn't need to be huge or pretty or super stable, just a bit of a container for me to drop some plants in. Someone was also giving away plant soil which was great.

With all the weeds I've pulled up I'm hoping to fake/badly compost them. I'm too impatient to wait the months and months I need for them to properly break down. I've stuck them all in a black garbage bin to hope the 100 degree days will kill off their seeds so I can crumble them up in the bottom of my raised garden bed.

For the ornamental side of things I'm focusing on native Virginia plants! There's a great FB group dedicate to native VA plants and people are always giving away or swapping plants! A very generous woman gave me a ton of plants that I'll detail about later in this post!

First I'd like to document the weeds I pulled! I had so much fun weeding actually. It's a repetitive task I enjoy and I like to identify plants even if they are weeds. I used Google Lens for IDing most of them and it actually seemed fairly good at that. Without further ado a list of the different weeds I saw in my garden during 2+ hours of work :D

Note: None of these photos were taken by me! I was too focused on weeding to take good photos of anything.

Weeds

Erigeron Canadensis (Horseweed)

This one was fun to pull! It came up easily and hadn't flowered or gone to seed at all! I think Alexis Nicole has talked about this one before? I wish it had been growing in a part of my garden that didn't need to be weeded right that moment so I could have eaten some. Apparently "dried leaves can be used as a seasoning with a flavor similar to tarragon" (source: eat the weeds) I'm sure I'll find it again maybe in my front yard and I'll try to save some.

Oxalis Acetosella (Wood Sorrel)

God this one HURT to pull, emotionally speaking! I love wood sorrel so much and its one of those plants I can ID easily. Some of my brave friends will eat it when I offer it but most pass. Unfortunately it was right in the area I needed pulled up for my raised bed. I am hoping I can encourage it to grow in my ornamental side! Alexis Nicole has definitely talked about this one before. It had shallow roots and was easy to pull :)

Matricaria Chamomilla (German Chamomile)

Another one I did not want to pull up but had to! It had pretty shallow roots that came up easily. I actually collected all the ones I weeded and popped them in some water. I hope to replay in my ornamental side of things. Fingers crossed they've survived this shock. I have a couple packs of really old seeds so I've started some chamomile from seed. I don't know that it'll work. I think I have some growing in my front yard so I might try to transplant that.

Lactuca Serriola (Prickly Lettuce)

This plant was my second least favourite to weed. Its roots are strong and run deep. The prickles bit me through my gloves. It was satisfying when I got a good grip and pulled it all up but more often than not I heard the roots snap leaving good chunks under ground. It sucked. A lot of them were super big and tall. I know its edible but didn't save any to forage. I'm sure it will be back.

Solanum Carolinense (Carolina Horsenettle)

This plant is my mortal enemy. It bites you. Its stubborn. Its totally toxic. I hate it. This was the most predominant weed in the garden. It was tall and if I tried to reach around to grab a different weed it would scratch me.

Verbascum Thapsus (Common Mullein)

Lord this plant was a stubborn one. The roots were strong and deep but it was so satisfying when I got it out. I actually couldn't remember this one's name when I sat down to write this so I used the Virginia Tech website (link here) to ID it! It's a great website that lets you select features of a plant and offers ones that fit those criteria.

I had a lot of fun weeding and IDing these plants! I'll have another post up about the native VA plants I'm cultivating. I hope whoever reads this enjoys the post. If its just me I hope I find this useful as I start a garden art journal where I can draw and take notes on all these plants.

#dan talks plants #actually autistic #gardening

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notafunkiller · 1 month ago

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Imagine calling Nicole Kidman a coward. NICOLE KIDMAN. This woman was brave enough to escape Scientology and then went on a decades long campaign to end violence against women. But a Bucky stan tweeting from her basement calls her a coward because she chose to amplify Zendaya's voice over Sebastian's. Kidman has been championing women's and children's rights since before these people were born! She can choose Zendaya over Sebastian if she wants, she has earned that right.

It's her right either way but yes, she's really brave. She's done so much!

#asked #my opinions

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mrchalamet-mrstyles · 2 years ago

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To the Charmie apologists who think they're being unfairly blamed for the hate posted to Nicole & HA's IG accounts:

TOUGH SHIT.

Charmies are scum and have earned all the blame and lousy karma coming their way as payback for years worth of disgusting behavior.

Whoever these "fans" actually stan doesn't matter. They are kissing cousins to the dregs of this fandom. Universally despised.

To the anon who said their numbers are dwindling? GOOD. But they'll hold on to the bitter end, trust me. Even when Tim and their Cannibal King are married/remarried to WOMEN they will be sending hate and death threats because they can't handle the reality beyond their cult.

The only Charmies left are the die hards who pledge allegiance to Charmie on the daily and swear they'll never stop "believing." You can't reason with people who share a cult mindset. But you can continue to call them out and broadcast their lies and misdeeds.

Thank you Monika for being so brave. You get the stick for all of us.

Damn, woman. I take my hat off to you. Keep going.

🙌

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byneddiedingo · 1 year ago

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Françoise Fabian in My Night at Maud's (Éric Rohmer, 1969)

Cast: Jean-Louis Trintignant, Françoise Fabian, Marie-Christine Barrault, Antoine Vitez, Léonid Kogan, Guy Léger, Anne Dubot. Screenplay: Éric Rohmer. Cinematography: Néstor Almendros. Production design: Nicole Rachline. Film editing: Cécile Decugis.

A moral tale: Once upon a time, a brave and chaste knight saw a fair young lady in church, and wished that she were his. The devil, hearing this, arranged for the knight to be tempted by a beautiful sorceress. But when the knight resisted the carnal temptations of the sorceress, he was rewarded with the love and the hand of the fair young lady. Éric Rohmer's moral tale: Jean-Louis (Jean-Louis Trintignant), an engineer who has recently moved to Clermont-Ferrand, is an intellectual Catholic, determined at the age of 34 to settle down and get married after several failed love affairs. At mass one day he sees a beautiful young woman (Marie-Christine Barrault), and longs to get to know her. Leaving the church, he sees the woman get on a moped, and he follows her in his car until they are separated by traffic. Jean-Louis runs into an old friend, Vidal (Antoine Vitez), a philosophy professor and a Marxist, who takes him to see his friend, Maud (Françoise Fabian), a divorcee. Vidal gets drunk and leaves early, and when it begins to snow heavily, Jean-Louis stays to spend the night with Maud. But they do little more than talk -- about his Catholicism, about the philosophy of Pascal, about his life and hers. She and her husband were unfaithful to each other, and her lover was killed when his car skidded on the ice -- one reason she forbids Jean-Louis to drive in the snow. They literally sleep together: She in the nude, he fully clothed and wrapped in a coverlet she lends him, though both are in the same bed. In the morning he makes a pass at her that she brushes off, and as he looks out the window he sees the young woman he saw at mass, and runs out to introduce himself to her. Her name is Françoise, and she is a student at the university where Vidal teaches. They make a date for later in the day, and afterward he drives her home to her student apartment. Stuck in the snow again, he spends the night, but not in her room: She gives him a key to the apartment of another student who is away. Five years later, they are married and taking their young son to the beach, when they meet Maud on the path. Jean-Louis realizes from Françoise's reaction that she knows Maud -- in fact, Françoise, who has confessed that she had an affair with a married man, may have been the lover of Maud's husband. This is the third of Rohmer's "Six Moral Tales," and perhaps the most successful: It was nominated for Oscars for Rohmer's screenplay and as the best foreign-language film. But a lot of critics and viewers found it insufferably talky in that peculiarly French over-intellectualized way -- a curious objection to a film that features four attractive actors and a strong emphasis on sex. And the talk is far wittier than anything you're likely to hear in a movie today.

#My Night at Maud's #Éric Rohmer #Françoise Fabian

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mistlekissy · 2 years ago

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nicole's boyfriend didn't delete his Instagram he just changed his name 😭 and he literally commented on her latest post just this morning 😐 plus i think her, her sister and that other blonde woman had been invited by madi diaz since they are all friends 👀

well then he's truly brave

#ask

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popentertainment-moviereviews · 20 days ago

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BABYGIRL (2024)

Starring Nicole Kidman, Harris Dickinson, Sophie Wilde, Antonio Banderas, Gaite Jansen, Izabel Mar, Esther McGregor, Vaughan Reilly, Victor Slezak, Anoop Desai, Bartley Booz, Maxwell Whittington-Cooper, Leslie Silva, Dolly Wells, Robert Farrior, Mary Ann Lamb, Gabrielle Policano, Gabriela Torres, Max O'Herlihy, Michael Wichmann and Mareau Hall.

Screenplay by Halina Reijn.

Directed by Halina Reijn.

Distributed by A24. 114 minutes. Rated R.

It is rare enough that movies take a serious, adult look at sexual obsession that you want to give a film which is brave enough to do so the benefit of the doubt, even if it doesn’t quite work for you. Babygirl takes a lot of serious chances – and Nicole Kidman in particular opens herself up to some extremely harsh and humiliating moments – and yet, I can’t say that I ever bought into the movie and the characters, so much as I appreciated its bravery.

The babygirl in the title is Romy (Kidman), a successful 50-something corporate CEO, with a doting husband (Antonio Banderas) and two teen daughters that she loves. And yet, something is missing in her seemingly perfect life. Romy seems somewhat ruled by sex. In fact, we are introduced to her and her husband in the middle of a strenuous lovemaking session. However, when they are done, Romy seems unsatisfied and wanders to another part of the house to finish herself off by masturbating while watching online porn.

It seems that Romy has some deep, dark sexual secret which she has been hiding all of her life. It is a secret which comes to light when she meets Samuel (Harris Dickinson), a much younger man who is working as an intern in her company. The two of them flirt and circle each other until Samuel pushes her hot button – he thinks she wants someone to be in complete control of her, sexually. She wants someone to humiliate her and tell her what she can do and when she can do it.

And she does, as they slowly circle around an affair that could be devastating to Romy’s business life and family life, the danger of the situation just somehow makes it hotter for her. In general, Romy seems much more invested in the relationship than Samuel does, but then again that could be because of his position of domination.

Even though Babygirl is nearly constantly in a state of arousal, I have to admit that it is one of the least sexy films about sex I have seen in quite some time. Actually, let me amend that statement. Since I personally do not share the particular kink that our main characters are so overwhelmed by, I found most of the many sex scenes in Babygirl to be sad, creepy and kind of pathetic. I suppose that someone who shared the characters’ particular proclivities may see them in a very different manner.

There are many sex scenes in Babygirl, although in general they are not overly explicit. More often they are just a bit weird – for example, Samuel making Romy get on all fours and lap up milk from a saucer like she was a cat – rather than sexual. Even when the sex is extreme it mostly seems to be shot so tightly so that you see very little other than the participants’ faces and quick flashes of their bodies.

I won’t even go into the psychological morass about a strong, competent, successful woman who secretly wants (or needs) to be bossed around and treated like a slut.

In fact, honestly, as someone not in the lifestyle, the whole time that Romy and Samuel were together I simply couldn’t figure out what they saw in each other. They didn’t seem to particularly like each other, the sex was dirty and begrudging, and the potential costs to both of them – particularly Romy – just seemed way too high.

Babygirl is well acted and has some interesting ideas, but I can’t really say that I am better off for having seen it. It was sort of like an arty Fifty Shades of Grey.

Jay S. Jacobs

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#Babygirl #2024 #Movie Review #Nicole Kidman #Jay S. Jacobs #Youtube

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vivianbernadetteaurora · 1 month ago

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Southern hospitality

The Sagittarius ♐️ libra ♎️ sex pot. This huge, sexy, big curved. Horse. Pretty princess. Creature.

.You’re sexy before sexy was even a thing and not like in a supermodel way she was this big Amazonian woman from the South.. have had these fun crazy adventures with her son and assistance on the Anna Nicole Smith show

But this was kind of like her breakdown error. In the beginning, these are some of the pictures from the gas stays on the campaign, which nearly made people crash into the road. Because of how sexy she looked in the pictures, they could have caused so many accidents, so they had to be moved.

. She has told a few lies in her life story. When she started at the strip club, she was nervous but was almost like a duck to water, according and allegedly to her mate who worked with her, and she had some bisexual experiences.

This is the time period where she married Howard Jay Marshall.. an oil tycoon who had sons that really resented Anna. They probably wanted to be with her themselves. And hey the fact that their heritance might be tampered by some sexy blonde who’s come onto the scene. But let me tell you this with her Mars and Capricorn Anna was always gonna go into some court case little bit legal battle. Although it’s in exultation Morrison Capricorn and can create great things it can almost always begin with battles because also Capricorn is a cardinal sign. strong brave face. action orientated.

Whatever

#anna nicole #fypage #astro observations #astro placements #90s nostalgia #90s #model #curvy #amazon #tall women

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girl4music · 8 months ago

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The whole secret wife thing - Shae. Married in Vegas.

You wouldn’t think Nicole would be the type of person to get married on a whim. But then you also wouldn’t think Nicole would be the type of person to go to a festival on her own somewhere she doesn’t even know at 6 years old. She’s obviously had a hard life and has been shaped by it. Woman’s got layers and I’m so glad Andras and the ‘Wynonna Earp’ crew wanted to make the audience aware of this even if they couldn’t fully showcase it. It reflects on the type of person she becomes. And that that person is a hero is inspiring.

Katherine Barrell originally wanted Nicole’s backstory with her parents to be one full of love and support. She didn’t want there to be an estrangement over Nicole’s sexuality or choice of profession/career. But I really do think it works that they made it this way for her characterization backstory because her character just seems all the more powerful and stronger for it.

And believe me - I am the last person to believe in the adage of “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”. But it’s different with Nicole Haught because of the way it’s written. Andras was really careful and conscientious about the way she represented and developed the character and given Nicole’s endgame, I really do think it makes sense that they went this way. That despite what awful past Nicole might have had, she still ended up with the heroes and the law.

Because she could have just as easily gone the other way with no real guidance in her life before Purgatory.

Before Shae. Before Nedley. Before Waverly.

I think that really says something about Nicole’s character. How tenacious she is when she has support. But also how brave she is when she doesn’t.

I just really love how they decided to make her more than just a main character’s love interest. In fact - in some ways - you could even say she’s more important than Waverly or Wynonna to the story of the show because she does ALL OF THIS as a 100% human.

And it’s like what they’re saying with her character is that you can do heroic endeavours and be successful at them without being supernatural or a superhero.

And that matters - you know?

A story like that matters.

A character like that matters.

I just really love Nicole and all that they did with her. Because it really does take a certain kind of bravery when you have so much to lose and when you almost do to still stand up and do the good and right thing.

youtube

#wynonna earp #nicole haught #katherine barrell #female representation #wlw representation #character representation #character development #she’s brave #and loyal #really great… at uh… being good #I lost myself #mhxeyfilms

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nicsalazar · 1 year ago

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What baking can do || Andy, Leah & Nicole

TIMING: Two weeks ago. LOCATION: Ramirez Residence PARTIES: @declinlalune @phoenixleah & @nicsalazar SUMMARY: Leah plans a Christmas baking sale to help with Fully Booked's restoration. Andy and Nicole are there to help WARNINGS: None.

It was gone. Everything. Everything Leah had ever worked for had just… vanished in one night, and technically by her own hand, too. Well, not everything was gone. The building was still standing, and their apartment, sure. But the books, her inventory, after years and years of being built upon… it was gone. It took her a week after the fire just to get out of bed before noon, and even longer to start coming up with a plan to get Fully Booked full of books again. She and Nicole, of course, still had Nicole’s income, and the money they’d been putting away for years (not many people in Wicked’s Rest didn’t have a just in case fund stashed away somewhere), but if she ever wanted to open the store again, they needed inventory, and they couldn’t cut into Nicole’s salary for that.

She couldn’t remember which of them had come up with the idea, but as soon as it was out in the open, she didn’t know why they didn’t think of it sooner. It would probably take a lot of fundraisers before they’d be able to open again, but people were going to be willing to donate, right? Fully Booked had been a staple of the community for years. A winter holiday baked goods fundraiser had to be an enticing enough first fundraiser to convince people to participate (just in case, for some odd reason, the allure of literature wasn’t).

“I think she’s here”, Leah chirped from the kitchen counter where she’d been organizing ingredients all morning. There was a gentle rap on the door just before, Andy no doubt still a bit anxious after all had transpired between the three of them. But she was more than the perfect fit to help, and Leah couldn’t wait to pick her ear about the perfect measurements, or which sprinkles went the best with which frosting. Even if it didn’t raise any funds, their time together today would certainly boost Leah’s baking in the future. “Do you mind going to get it?” she asked Nicole. Nicole, sweet Nicole who had been her rock through this all (even so far as helping her cover up her slight arson- would she have been able to pull off the controlled burn if her girlfriend hadn’t been a firefighter? “I have to admit I’m sort of… excited? If you can believe that.”

To almost everybody else, Leah had put on a brave face after Fully Booked burned down. She had remained optimistic in the face of adversity, talking about getting back to work to quickly ensure the bookshop was up and running in no time. To the outside world, it looked like this accident had ignited a fighting spirit within Leah. It was true, to an extent. The determination was there, keeping Leah’s spirit intact underneath her pain. But very few were privy to what the loss of her dream had done to the woman Nicole loved. In the few weeks that had passed since the incident, she found herself repaying a lot of that patience Leah had shown her at the beginning of their relationship. It wasn’t a debt Leah would’ve kept score of, of course, but Nicole knew. She always remembered. She’d carried the guilt of her shortcomings for years. So, as the tables turned, she stepped up. It had proven how solid the relationship had become. If only the circumstances that led to that realization had been different…

Nicole watched, leaning against the door frame, a fond smile etched on her lips. She knew better than to try to help with Leah’s organization. Her efforts were better spent encouraging her from a distance. So that’s what she did, only intervening if her girlfriend asked for it. It was a good system. Because there was something about the spark in Leah’s eyes that hadn’t been there in the past weeks. Nicole herself was uplifted by it, her heart lighter than it had been since the decision was made to burn it all down in order to preserve the scribe journals. Her girlfriend moved around the kitchen with more energy than she had in weeks, and Nicole stood there sinking into that pool of warmth and affection she had for her.

There was a knock on the door, and before either of them could speak, she heard Nacho’s sloppy footsteps rushing to the entrance. Nicole could’ve sworn Jane’s scent drifted into the room too, signaling she was on the move. Well, that was new. Apparently, everyone was excited to see Andy. “I can see that. Looks good on you,” she breathed out as her attention went back to Leah, nothing short of relieved. “Got it, yeah” Nicole nodded, flashing her a soft smile before walking over to welcome their visit. “Right on time” she muttered, as Andy appeared behind the door. She hesitated for a second, unsure whether to offer a handshake or a hug, or— a pat on the back? Until she settled for… stepping aside to let the woman in. They were still working on that, it was fine. It didn’t look like Andy noticed. “Be prepared, she’s… pretty fucking excited” and some of that joy was evident in Nicole’s own tone too. “Thanks, for doing this Andy”.

It was an odd thing, settling between the horrors of what happened in the cabin with that ranger, to finding Nicole in the woods, and now this. Now this, where Leah’s life’s work had been brought to its knees by something as stupid as book wyrms. Andy had done some research after being told what had happened, but she still couldn’t quite understand why it happened, and why it had to happen to her friend.

Hadn’t they gone through enough at this point? Andy wanted to scream at the sky, to something she didn’t believe in, to beg for something kind to befall them instead of tragic. She hated the way this all continued on, hated the way that she couldn’t be sure that her friends would be safe, even with something as simple as something non-hunter related. She hated this town and what it kept taking from the people she cared about, but did her feelings matter here? Not so much, no.

So when Nicole and Leah asked if she would help with a fundraiser, Andy jumped at the chance to help. To give her friends something to look forward to, to give them hope. She pulled in front of the building, frown twisting as she noticed the closed signs on the front door of the shop. It made her chest ache, knowing just how much Leah cared about the place to begin with. But she tried to give in to the lightheartedness of their interaction now, to give to them what they’d given to her time and time again.

The door opened not long after she knocked and she smiled as Nicole appeared in her view. She looked a little tired, but better than the last time she’d seen her. That was good. “You don’t need to thank me, I’m more than happy to help out.” That much was true, especially considering it’d been awhile since she’d last gotten into a kitchen to bake her heart out. “She’s excited? Really? That makes two of us.” Andy flashed Nicole a smile before kicking her boots off to the side. She leaned down to scratch Nacho behind the ears before following Nicole back into the kitchen. “You’ve got quite the spread going on here, Leah.” She grinned at her friend before padding further inside, looking at all the ingredients that the phoenix had laid out. “Damn, I think you might be more of a professional than me.” Andy went to the kitchen sink and washed her hands before patting them dry on a paper towel. “Tell me where you need me, boss.”

Leah could hear the faint sounds of greetings from the front of the apartment, and it brought another grin to her face. They should have thought of this earlier. Maybe this was the start of something better- maybe their wave of bad luck shit sandwiches was over, and all they had needed as a catalyst was some good old fashioned friend time and some baked goods. She was just finishing her last bits of organizing- a little more sprinkles in this bowl, that piping bag of frosting tilted just so, checking and rechecking that they had enough measuring cups..- when she heard Andy’s voice enter into the kitchen behind her.

She blushed with pride at Andy’s words, brushing them off with a quick toss of her hand as she went to stand by Nicole’s side. “A professional? Oh, no way. I just know the pride in an organized workspace, is all.” She said, admiring just how organized their workspace actually looked. She couldn’t help but get even more excited at the prospect of being called boss, even if by a close friend like Andy. She looked toward Nicole with a proud grin, and then back toward Andy, clapping her hands together. “Okay! So stop me if this is over ambitious, but I have more than a few ideas working for the Winter Fundraiser.” As she spoke, Leah realized she hadn’t even shared all of her ideas with Nicole, so this would be her first time hearing some of them, too. “My first idea was that we could make little cookies that look like books-super cute, right? We could even title them with all the classic names with little piping bags. But THEN that spurred on my idea to sell boxes of cupcakes, all themed after everyone’s favorite christmas classics! A Christmas Carol Cupcake? I’d take 20!” She was getting ahead of herself now, but no one could stop Leah’s idea flow once it started.

“Oh, and this next idea Nicole helped with, right, Babe? Edible Peppermint stick bookmarks! Obviously they have a shelf life, so we could even sell them with more sustainable bookmarks too, just so people feel like they’re worth it. But… totally cool. Right?! Who wouldn’t love an edible bookmark in their Christmas stocking?”

Nicole trailed behind Andy, stopping for just a second to crouch and pick up one of Nacho’s toys. She waved it at him, drawing his attention away from the kitchen. Hopefully, he’d remain entertained long enough while they got their hands dirty. He would certainly be rewarded if that was the case. She joined the pair a moment later, smiling at the ongoing conversation. Her eyebrows lifted, looking at Leah perk up after being called boss. Yeah, she was pleased with that one. Maybe even reminded her that she still was one. But… at heart, or— metaphorically, like kids said nowadays.

She nodded encouragingly as her eyes locked with Leah. She’d been scribbling in her notebook a little too much at night. An abnormal amount, if such a thing was possible for the scribe. Nicole didn’t ask why, she never questioned when Leah fell into those cryptic moods, because she knew eventually, her girlfriend would come out ready to share all of those thoughts she had been stewing on and putting on paper. It appeared the answer to the mystery was about to be revealed. Her face softened, an adoring glance on Leah when the woman started sharing her ideas, hands flying everywhere, eyes shining in excitement. It was nothing short of healing to see Leah like this again. Her own spirits were lifted by the sight.

Her gaze quickly turned to the floor, heat spreading in her cheeks at the sudden attention. She shook her head shyly, not exactly ashamed of the idea, but uncertain she deserved any sort of praise. Nicole had found it on one of those… websites. The pinning interest or something. She wasn’t sure how it worked still, but a search bar was a search bar everywhere, and some interesting results came back when she asked the right question. She liked the bookmarks, Leah liked the bookmarks, and she was as confident about the idea as someone like her could ever be about anything. Being suddenly put on the spot did make her nervous, however. Briefly. She was among people who cared about her after all.

With the ideas out in the open, Nicole moved away from the pair. “Haven’t baked in thirteen years,” she explained, anticipating a pang of grief. There was a reason why she’d lost interest in many culinary endeavors. “I’m good— I can hand you the ingredients. I’m good with that. And…stirring and kneading if that’s—” she stopped for a second, a sheepish grin on her face. “That wasn’t a cat joke” She tilted her head, flustered. But there was lightness in her chest that wasn’t there before. She was so relieved there were no secrets standing between the three anymore. “Can’t be too hard…” she shot a look at the counter, where Leah had printed a recipe. Cupcakes were entry-level, no? Cookies on the other hand, she knew they were incredibly deceptive. “Tell me where to stand and I’ll…” she trailed off, making her point evident by now.

Andy hadn’t realized it, but her smile only grew as Leah explained her plans. She was enthusiastic, and that made her feel a lot better about the situation. They could be sad about the book store, but also be proactive. It seemed like Leah wanted to take the latter approach, and Andy looked around the kitchen as Leah continued on. It was ambitious, but she didn’t figure it wasn’t anything they couldn’t do. Once she got back to work, maybe she’d see about taking a cut from her paycheck so that some of the proceeds of their sales went back to the bookstore, too. It could be a surprise for later on, or maybe a backup plan if Leah’s current plans didn’t exactly pan out. Though, it seemed like she was organized enough.

Leah’s determination rubbed off on Andy and she found herself nodding along enthusiastically with the plans that were laid out. At the mention of the edible bookmarks, Andy looked over at Nicole with a grin. “That’s actually a really good idea. If anything, it’d give the kids something to snack on and the parent something usable.” She wasn’t sure what peppermint bark tasted like, but she guessed she was about to find out.

“You’re going to have to give me a list of book names, I’m not really good with them, but otherwise I think it’s a really awesome plan.” She clasped her hands together and watched as Nicole moved towards the edge of the makeshift factory line Leah set up. With a laugh, she nodded. “Sure, but I’m going to pretend it’s a cat joke.” The constant buzz and prickle was easy to ignore now that she’d spent so much time with the two. It was like when she was with Alex. She was grateful for the normalcy in it, and in the situation at hand– even if it’d come at the price of Leah losing her bookstore.

“Okay, I’ll start on the dry mixes, then Leah, I think you should work onto the wet ones, and Nicole, you combine, you knead, you do whatever.” She looked between the two of them, smile still in place. “Does that sound like a good place to start?” Andy looked over the ingredients again before pointing towards the table in the other room, “we should clear that off, too.” They’d need to cool off the cupcakes and cookies before they even thought of icing them.

The kitchen, and Leah’s heart, felt abuzz in a way it hadn’t in a long time. “It’s like riding a bike”, she said as a way to reassure Nicole, sending her a warm glance. In truth, Leah had no idea if the process would come back as easily as that for Nicole. So many other things hadn’t, so why would this be any different? But like with so many other things, Leah opted to push through with an aire of optimism about it- with the intention of picking up the pieces later if it didn’t work. Nicole always responded well to this method, maybe she even found it comforting. “Ingredients and general cat-like duties. An integral part of the baking team!” With that, she grabbed Nicole’s waist and playfully led her toward the counter where she’d started laying out the ingredients, stocked with enough bowls to separate them accordingly. She spun her around once before she set her there for good.

Moving closer to Andy, she grinned, pulling a slip of paper out of her back pocket and sliding it over to her friend. “Way ahead of you”, she said. Sure, the list with various holiday book names was legible, but it was also filled with scrapped ideas being scribbled off and doodles of potential design ideas. She hoped Andy could make it out. “Okay- sounds like a plan”, she chirped, grabbing a bowl to get to work. “Babe, you think you could pour some milk in here for me?”

Then, she flew over towards the dining room table, making quick work of clearing the holiday decorations she and Nicole had laid out there a few days earlier. “What’s your favorite thing to bake, Andy? Do you want to add anything to our list?”

There was a stiffness to her soul, to her spirit. The human one. Nicole wasn’t sure if there was any other way to describe it. It was strange… being. Unnatural. For the longest time, she considered herself atrophied. The fibers of her essence weakened by years spent walking the earth as another being. There was no period of rehabilitation after, only a world that demanded her to be in touch with her humanity as soon as she was thrust back into civilization. But she’d had nothing to offer, she’d been empty at her core, so it became about surviving. Before Leah, it was all she ever did. To laugh, to joke, to even exist peacefully were luxuries she was too depleted to enjoy.

Stiff still moved though, stiff still worked. Heavy, like an old injury that didn’t quite heal as expected. But despite her body’s chronic pushback to the concept of being, her heart fluttered when Leah’s hand reached for her waist guiding her to the correct station. The sound of Andy’s laugh at the unintentional joke elicited her own smile. Tight, weary, but genuine. And still worthwhile. Very much so. The bike analogy didn’t escape her, Leah had used it before too. In every aspect, her return to society had been exactly that. The bikes kept coming. She wished they would fucking stop sometime.

Nicole snapped out of her thoughts before they turned into quicksand in her heart. For now, in this kitchen, surrounded by the people she felt safest with, she could put her soul in motion again. Exercise the muscle of living. She followed Leah’s scent as she rushed to the dining table, grounding herself in the process. Her hands touched the counter as she stood comfortably in her station, observing Andy and Leah hash out the final details. Pouring the milk she was asked to. She could do that, of course. Even if she and milk didn’t get along. She wasn’t incompetent. “Don’t know if there are… Christmassy bear claws” she mumbled, hesitating once Leah’s question came. Her eyes searched for Andy, their stories not too dissimilar. She wondered how she was doing without the bakery. How independence was working for her. If the evening might encourage her to go back. A break was always good, but surely everyone missed her at the Bread Cemetery.

The affection that Leah had for Nicole was bright— so bright in fact, that Andy felt the need to avert her gaze, to focus on something else. It was easier that way, anyway. She didn’t like to feel like she was somewhere she shouldn’t be, even if she and the other two were extremely close, especially now. It wasn’t that the affection made her uncomfortable, it was just that she hadn’t ever experienced anything like it, so it was a little foreign to her.

When Leah ventured back to her side, Andy took the list of book names from her with a grateful smile. “You know me so well.” She scanned the list, only being able to pick out maybe three or four from the lineup. She didn’t think it mattered, but she set it down to the side, careful not to get any flour onto it. She began to combine the dry ingredients into the mixing bowl and moved it closer to Leah’s station. At her question, she shrugged. “Bear claws are fun to make, but croissants take a lot of patience, and I think it’s fun making different ones.” It had taken her awhile to get used to the way precision was necessary, but over time, she got better. Now, her strawberry croissants were to die for, even if Bread Cemetery didn’t offer them. She made them at home, mostly— for Alex when she asked for them. Maybe she’d make them for Leah and Nicole, too.

“I’m sure we could make them Christmassy if we really wanted to.” She leaned against the counter on her side of the station, beginning to work on the second bowl of dry ingredients. “Maybe draw a Rudolph face or something? Alex and I never really got to do the whole Christmas thing, but I’d try to at least do something… maybe that can be a new tradition.” She dumped the salt and baking soda into the bowl and stared down at it, “thanks for inviting me to do this, by the way.” She looked behind her at the two of them. She had offered, but still.

Nicole was always thinking- deep and intuitive inner thoughts were almost constantly etched across furrowed brows. Leah loved to reach forward and smooth them out, even if she couldn’t help fill in any gaps that Nicole was missing. She’d fill them in time, Leah would tell her, though she often worried that sentiment might get more depressing than it was comforting. How much time would it take to experience so many years of missed milestones? It would drive Leah crazy, personally. Nicole was stronger than anyone she knew.

She smirked as Andy took the list from her, raising her eyebrows. “I have a motto, Andy! ‘By failing to prepare, you’re preparing to fail!’ Who would I be without my lists? Just a very well-read flaky person, I suppose.” She chuckled at the thought as she mixed the bowl in front of her, fascinated by how the ingredients combined together so seamlessly. In a way, it reminded her of their friendship. Three people who were so different managed to mold together like the sugar, butter, and flour they were forming into dough. It was a science she wasn’t privy to, but wouldn’t dare question.

“I was thinking the same thing!”, Leah replied right after Andy. “Anything can be made Christmassy, we just have to get creative.” And get creative they did. Like authors thinking up whole worlds of characters, the trio managed to think of ways to many even the blandest pastries into delightful Christmas treats. Nothing they produced felt forced or disingenuous, but then, nothing with the three of them ever felt that way. When they had invited Andy over to help make the treats, Leah had hoped it would be enough to start to save the store- to raise enough money so that they might be able to open again early in the New Year. And sure, the fundraiser was successful- townies were raving about those Rudolf bear claws for weeks. But what Leah hadn’t realized was how much their night together would fix her soul, too. Their time together baking and laughing and reminiscing? She was more grateful for that than any of the money that they raised.

#wickedswriting #w: andy #w: leah #w: what baking can do #w #thank u ci n julie for writing w me

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