#nicely drawn strawberries op :)

[whump-town]

Here’s your fluff-- not sure if it’s good or really fluff but no one got hurt and it’s done and it’s as good as it’s going to get

After cases like these, David Rossi feels a sense of encroaching disbelief in the good of the world around him. To see Spencer’s floppy hair dangling in front of his face, cheek resting on Derek’s shoulder. Both oblivious to the world around them as they succumb to peaceful slumbers and shared body heat. Across from them, JJ is curled into the seat, knees are drawn up and a blanket tucked around her. It won’t be long before she joins the other two and finds some rest.

At the other end of the jet, Dave can hear Aaron’s soft laughter. A sound he thought extinct but was just hibernating for a safer time, a better crowd. Emily’s voice, too soft for him to make out, is the source of the laughter and he can see the two of them hunch down within themselves to chuckle on about whatever it is that they’re talking about. He smiles as he pulls out his phone, pulling up Garcia’s contact without a second thought. It’s a simple text, he won’t rupture the peace with a full conversation. Besides, all he needs to say is summed up nicely with the simple words: “he’s laughing”.

Just putting the words to use bring tears to his eyes and he clears his throat as he looks up from his phone to watch Aaron and Emily get up from their end and make their way to him. He rubs his eye and closes his phone, raising a suspicious eyebrow at them. Emily takes the seat right beside him and Aaron across from him. She bumps shoulders with him and asks softly, though beaming, “wanna have a drink when we get back?”

He can feel the mischief pouring off of her, knows the longer Aaron spends with her the way it’ll trickle off of him. He’s the one Dave has to watch. Emily can get herself into all kinds of trouble but when Aaron throws his own hat in the ring it spells nothing but minor heart attacks for Dave. Throw one 6’2 repressed drunken goofball in there with Emily Prentiss and she will find a way to corrupt him.

The last time he took them out like this he had to walk home in the pouring rain. That wasn’t necessarily their fault-- they’d gone for a drink and had a little too much so they’d had to walk to the closest apartment but he’d like to think he can find some way to blame it on them. The unruly children that they are.

“Do you promise to behave?” he asks. What has he done too pitifully in his life to be over sixty-years-old and actually having to inquire if two grown adults can behave themselves for a few hours? It feels like the sort of thing he should have cleared decades ago and to think he’s asking Mr. Big Bad Aaron Hotchner and an ex-spy Emily Prentiss these things even more ridiculous.

That being said, the last time they went out, yes while it was raining, Emily convinced Hotch to climb a tree they passed. Why? Probably to try and kill him because of course, he wasn’t okay with Hotch hefting himself up into some random tree. The idiot is likely to fall out and he’s hit his head far too many times as is. Only once he reaches as high as he could, had Hotch come down upon Dave’s frantic request. Hotch jumped down. He fucking jumped, landed in a pile, and got up laughing. Emily cheered him on.

Dave can’t stand them.

“No piggy-back rides,” he says to Emily. There’s no real danger there but they get too rambunctious and it makes him feel old to have to parent them. Though, he supposes, he does also find it sweet. They used to be at each other’s throats and now Emily holds her hands over his eyes as he stumbles down the sidewalk-- op, see? Emily helps Aaron make such bad decisions.

“And no tree climbing.” Hotch looks a the table, a soft smile giving away his secret amusement in having done it in the first place.

Emily bumps Dave’s shoulder, “so is that a yes?”

He’s already preparing in his head what he’ll need to make in the morning. Aaron likes orange juice but won’t be able to stomach the eggs Emily likes. Both will devour mountains of waffles and he thinks he has strawberries and blueberries (and did he really just think I have to sneak in healthy foods where I can??) to throw in the batter. Does he have that creamer Emily likes or enough syrup for the ungodly amounts Aaron will use?

With a sigh, Dave nods. “Yes but I mean it about--” his final warnings are lost to the two of them. He has a sneaking suspicion that while right now he’s so worried about Aaron climbing up another damn tree, Emily will come up with something so much worse.

He really needs to make some friends his own age.

But as Emily tugs Hotch back to get some tea and steal a bag of Reid’s pretzels, he watches the ease they have. Emily leaning across Hotch and Hotch offering her his own mug when they find the pot too dwindled in supply to make two. The casual way they just are and he knows that even if Aaron tries to scale up the side of a building (oh God, don’t give him ideas) or if Emily decides to see if she and Hotch could win in a three-footed race by tying their legs together with Hotch’s tie (again, don’t give them ideas) he’d love them regardless.

Because love really is such a silly thing.

[volfoss]

how about ranking bucciarati's team?

regret to inform you that ur gonna get a very long answer bc i have passionate feelings about them all! also trish is in this bc she is part of the team and no one will tell me otherwise and will also include some rambling bc it is me and i have so many feelings towards these characters and none of them r cohesive

under the cut just in case (post writing yes it was long)

Giorno Giovanna:

way way more complex than ppl normally give him credit for (i will not go into feelings on how a majority of the fandom treats him unless ppl want me to then i will in fact make a very long ranty post and will not be stopped)

mildly op (esp at the beginning with how hes kind of able to just use his stand really well w no problems altho i think thats true of most of the jojos that we have seen animated?)

i am emotionally attached to him and want to give him a big hug

hes just a kinda goofy kid and is maybe a bit not good with figuring out hey this is a semi dangerous situation maybe i shouldnt be taunting him (leaky eye luca for example)

has the actual best theme

i love how he works off the rest of the team so well (even w members who do not like him)

is in my top 3 jojos i love this kid sm i would adopt him if he was real

7/10

Bruno Bucciarati:

the fucking way his character develops from licky man to best dad material is my favorite thing

his outfit is so so so good i would die to wear it

in general this man is one of my fave jojos characters and i get a lot of comfort from him

hes just really neat and has a good taste in music

he did his fucking best and i will always love him for that

imo the way that his death was drawn out was genuinely one of the most heartbreaking deaths in the entire series and fucks me up each time i think of it

i feel like he really is the one to hold the team together in a way that everyone feels cared for and saved

def has a savior complex tho for sure

dilf but im ace

also manga superiority bc he either makes the stupidest faces or looks very nice (anime has a lot of weird animation in regards to his face) and also because its lingerie there instead of a tattoo that changes thickness and placement every second

10/10

Leone Abbacchio:

guilty pleasure liking man

i am obsessed with his vibes and wish to become him

i cannot physically express just how much i love him but hes one of my faves of all time (not obvious by my theme at all wdym)

i miss his manga palette but also the colored manga isnt my beloved but also black lipstick abba

hot take maybe but anime abba looks better than manga minus the lipstick debacle

hes so so tall and i will steal his height in a nice way

his past man his past it fucks me up

his death fucks me up normally but when i was rewatching recently, i saw he gave this tiny lil smile after helping the kids get their ball and i could not take it anymore

him and brunos relationship (canonically and out of canon too) is one of my favorites in the series

also fandom hot take as i guess i am doing those for everyone- but ppl either have him as cosntantly trying to murder giorno or being like good son and v out of character, and it is really weird? not sayign that ill do better when i write them but also like im convinced some ppl havent seen the show or smth

i will steal both him and bruno and marry them both <3

this man is beloved i love him to death

10/10

Pannacotta Fugo:

i cannot spell his first name to save my life

also fandom take- ppl make him constantly only angry boy all the time and it really irks me. ik araki did not give him 2 much to work w in terms of canon personality but its frustrating

the light novel purple haze feedback is so so so good and adds sm to his character and i really like it for that!

fugo is one of those that imo deserves a lot and didnt get that

genuinely the vibes between how he treats narancia is v interesting to me, like its clear he cares about nara but nara not doing great w math really frustrates him

i love their interactions and how he is genuinely a kind person at times

the manga colors r superior here, my strawberry boy <3

i just really love and appreciate him a lot and wish that ppl gave him more love

i keep getting assigned him on kin quizzes

very smart good boy

ALSO ok fugo did not do any wrong by leaving

unsure if thats a hot take but i genuinely dont blame the character one bit for leaving and again purple haze feedback really delves into that and why he did it

if ur a fugo fan go read it

his past is really upsetting esp in the anime i will cry over it

his stand is adorable and i wanna hug it

his vibes r fun and i wanna gift him strawberry dangly earrings

8/10

Narancia Ghirga:

this boy i am also adopting (i am adopting most of them sorry)

i really hate how ppl act as if hes stupid bc bad math skills do not equal stupid like did ppl not see the fight w formaggio??

the way he just fucking dove into the water after the boat and how brunos face went all soft and happy it will never not make me cry

he is constnatnly making me wanna cry if i think too much about him for 2 seconds i love him sm

how can anyone not adore him when he set an entire street on fire yk

hes just happy despite his past and it makes me sad i love nara sm

torture dance is one of my favorite memes from the show

ALSO ok the way he died so suddenly absolutely broke me bc the remaining team members r really just seeing everyone die in front of them so quickly

his goofy and laid back moments r my fave

i love just how loyal and caring he is to his friends

his stand is really cool and again the fight w formaggio was so fun to watch

8/10

Guido Mista:

probably my least favorite member of the team for a semi good reason:

the jokes towards trish are really really uncomfy and how fugo doesnt wanna be involved but he is pushing him to do something that makes him uncomfortable did not make me like him a lot

hes goofy but not goofy enough for me to be ok with the repeated jokes about that esp in the body swap episode (ik it was supposed to be funny but it just felt off)

his vibes r good but i wish we got to see his hair

the fandom interpretation is normally pretty good of him overall?

despite not loving him a lot, i really enjoying writing for him (one day might open up headcanon requests or smth but unsure)

hes someone id wanna watch movies w but his taste in movies and mine r very different

love how he and his stand get along

honestly has very very good comedic potential

i really like how he and giorno interact as the series goes on (in a platonic way i need to clarify that i love their friendship)

again him in purple haze feedback was really interesting

probably a 5/10?

Trish Una:

beloved and deserved better

her first outfit in the manga > outfit in the anime

actually in general i believe in manga trish superiority like her hair in the manga looks so cool

her stand her stand her stand i love sm

if u dont include trish in the group i am murdering u <3

HER CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT!!!! IS SO GOOD!!!!!!

fandom gripe is how people either pretend she does not exist or has the trish first introduction thing where shes using her defense mechanisms and acting a bit spoiled

OK but her in purple haze feedback!!! mild spoilers but how bruno was taking care of her post the ending of vento aureo makes me so happy each time i think of it

very mad that she canonically didnt really get an ending and yet again PHF my beloved actually gave her that

how spice girl starts out as a stand thats helping her thru a very stressful situation is so cool and i love it

DAD BRUNO DAD BRUNO DAD BRUNO *frothes at the mouth*

but more seriously how she leans on bruno and begins 2 trust him and nearly point blank is referring to him as a father figure always fucks me up

esp because of the resulting fight afterwards

and the very ending of the arc that ends w bruno being like bye gonna go in the clouds and look ethereal now, oh man it makes me so sad

bc giorno is the only one that knew what happened and people that were closer to bruno due to knowing him longer didnt

i wanna see how trish coped w that personally

despite being introduced not at the beginning i think her arc and character in general were as well paced as it could be!

9/10

finally done! sorry that took so long but oh man i have so many feelings towards these guys its not even funny

[dokidokivisual]

Gochiusa BLOOM episode 5 impressions

Previously: 4 - 3 - 2 - 1

Welcome to another installment of my Gochiusa BLOOM episode reviews. At the end of last episode Cocoa finds out about Chino’s intention to go to her school, so this episode opens with some sort of ceremony to celebrate this fact. Despite a reference to alcohol, this ceremony might seem innocent, but it actually has a dark connotation...

First off, Cocoa is asking if everyone is holding a sakazuki. Sakazuki is a special traditional sake cup, which was apparently so important that it even has its own kanji  盃. A real sakazuki is actually more like a saucer than a cup, and holds very little alcohol. The girls are holding regular coffee cups, while pretending they are sakazuki. But what is the importance of sakazuki here?

The hint comes from Chiya’s description of the ceremony: 義兄弟の盃 (gikyodai no sakazuki) which literally translates as “sake cup of sworn brothers”, though kyodai can be used for siblings of any gender. The origin of this type of ceremony lies in Chinese 14th century novel Romance of Three Kingdoms, where the so-called Oath of the Peach Garden has transpired between three major characters. However in modern times, this type of brotherhood ceremony is mainly used by organized crime syndicates known as yakuza. So what you’re supposed to be seeing in this scene is literally Chino being initiated into a gang. If you’re interested, here’s a video of gikyodai sakazuki ceremony of Yamaguchi-gumi, the largest yakuza organization.

The ceremony is interrupted by Aoyama Blue Mountain who somehow got behind the counter. Soon, Mate Rin comes in looking for her, but she’s already gone. Before this point I didn’t know yet what the part B of the episode will be about, but this intro definitely provides a hint about it. Rin also gives a business card to Chiya, but it’s a bit difficult to read. Thankfully, there’s a better shot of it later in the episode.

Cocoa remembers there’s a marathon tournament, and Chiya is horrified when she learns that it involves running. However Cocoa persuades her that as Chino’s recently sworn older sister and senior she should run the whole distance.

Chiya’s motivation for participation in marathon was changed compared to the manga, the chapter in question (vol.5 ch.7) opens with Cocoa and Chiya doing exercises during PE class (a scene sadly cut out from the anime) and has to deal with Chiya and Cocoa’s friendship bond. This is why Chiya wants to finish the race with Cocoa so badly.

Chiya starts training by herself to get ready for the marathon. The location where she trains (some sort of clearing being overlooked by a bridge) is quite interesting, as it also appears in season 1 episode 5 (where Cocoa and Chiya practice volleyball) and Sing For You OVA where Chino uses the same tire excercise as part of her special training.

Ironically Rize thinks one tire is “too far” for Chiya, but 5 tires is ok for Chino who was supposed to train her singing. Anyway it’s quite interesting how some locations in town stay consistent, I wonder if the staff has a detailed map of them.

Despite having muscle pain from training, Chiya shows her resolve to finish the race to Cocoa. In this speech she mentions the Whirlwind (旋風) from the title of the episode (”On that day I will make Ama Usa An whirlwind blow”). Interestingly, the title of this manga chapter 千の夜を走る風となる (”run 1000 nights to become the wind”) also mentions the wind.

Cocoa also wants to train, and justifies her ability to wake up early with a helpful diagram (which looks as if she’s born directly from bread). To be fair, her justification that bakers wake up early does make sense, and she didn’t seem to have a problem to wake up in time in Dear My Sister. However when staying in Rabbit House, she definitely tends to oversleep, which happened this time too.

Rize and Chiya start training without her, and start playing shiritori to keep Chiya’s spirit up. Honestly this game appears in pretty much every anime ever, so should I even bother to explain the rules? Anyway, Rize names sweets that she supposedly overate, while Chiya names stuff that would be normally served at Ama Usa. However after saying いちご大福 (strawberry rice cake) she continues even though it’s Rize’s turn, saying 黒豆寒天 (black soybean jelly). This ends in “ん” (n) which is a losing turn in shiritori, since no Japanese words start with ん. Nevertheless, Chiya continues listing off Ama Usa desserts and eventually just switches to advertisement mode. Rize compares her to senden car which is a decorated truck that you can find driving around Japanese cities while blasting advertisements really loudly.

Rize introduces her stamp card here (which is an upgrade over her previous motivation techniques, such as the schedule in Dear My Sister), which gives Chiya an idea for an Ama Usa An stamp card. The reward for completing it is 90 minutes of all-you-can-drink piping hot oshiruko, which is a kind of soup made from red beans. The fact that it’s very hot was for some reason omitted from the official English subs, even though that’s what makes the deal especially ridiculous.

Cocoa still wants to train, so she asks Sharo to run with her. However when the morning comes she still can’t wake up on time. When Sharo talks about Chiya taking up jogging there is a montage of Chiya training with Rize, but at this moment Sharo doesn’t know that Chiya trains with Rize, which is why she gets jealous when it is revealed later.

Sharo’s orange phone with the dangling teacup charm was previously seen for example in season 2 episode 7. The exact model is “Kyocera Honey Bee 201K” and as you can see it’s accurately drawn down to the small details.

This is another repeatedly used Gochiusa outdoors location, seen for example in season 1 episode 6 when Cocoa and Tippy meet Aoyama, and in season 2 OP in the shot with Tippy, Anko and Wildgeese. This is where Rize wants to persuade Chiya to continue training, but Chiya isn’t having it. In the manga this is where Rize pulls out her stamp card (almost filled out) to persuade her, but in anime version we never see how many stamps she acquired.

The marathon starts and we see some of Cocoa’s classmates from the previous episode running by. As expected, Cocoa ended up being less fit than Chiya and had to hold on to Chiya’s twintails to keep up. The manga doesn’t actually show them finishing the race, so watching whether Chiya would be able to cross the finish line was quite suspenseful.

After the race, Sharo is disappointed at being left out, but Rize invites her for special training right away. Rize seems to be interested in some triathlon competition and tried to invite Chiya earlier, but Chiya was scared off by the mere name “triathlon”. A triathlon competition features running, cycling and swimming. Sharo is actually better than Rize at swimming (see season 1 episode 8) and perhaps Cocoa is the best at cycling.

We never see how these two trained, but in the manga there’s an additional illustration at page 65 of volume 5 which shows how it may looked like.

Now the “carefree breeze” part of the episode starts, and it’s based on volume 6 chapter 3, making it the first chapter from volume 6 to be animated. Even though there are 9 chapters between part A and part B of this episode, in retrospect it makes a lot of sense that they were put together. For one, they feature a lot of running. And there are a lot of outdoor locations. Such as the park where Cocoa and Chiya meet off-duty Aoyama.

You might recognize it as the same park where Cocoa meets Aoyama for the first time in season 1 episode 6. In season 2 episode 8, Cocoa and Chiya also walk through this park when returning from school. 

Cocoa and Chiya think Aoyama is going on a date (this is more explicit in the manga) but it seems she doesn’t have anything to do and just dressed up nicely for the sake of it.

She wants to play tag, which in Japanese is called oni-gokko and oni (a demon) is the one who’s chasing the other players. The role of the demon is relegated to Mate Rin who comes to Rabbit House for the second time this episode to search for Aoyama. This time we get a better look at her business card.

The name of the publisher is Seironsha (生論社 - the first kanji is not visible here, but is visible in the manga). Usually publishing companies in Kirara series are parodies of Houbunsha but not this time. I couldn’t find the reason behind this name anywhere. There’s a word “Seiron” which means “sound reasoning” but it’s spelled with different kanji (正論). There’s also a publisher Rironsha (理論社) although it seems pretty obscure. Also a fun fact: Aoyama’s book Bakery Queen (seen in Dear My Sister OVA) had a different publisher 走兎舎 (”Soutosha”?) which means “running rabbit house”.

Rize, Chino and Rin form Shin-furimawasare-tai (“the new at-their-mercy corps”) which is a reference to season 2 episode 8, as well as a few character songs recorded by Rize, Chino and Sharo as Furimawasare-tai. It seems that Sharo is sidelined a lot in this episode...

Next there’s a montage of them unsuccessfully chasing Chiya, Cocoa and Aoyama, which shows off various locations in town. They are not necessarily just random spots. For example the stairs with the statue and the fountain are actually right next to each other, as can be seen in Dear My Sister.

Then they spot Aoyama riding a gondola (a somewhat fancier one than in the beginning of episode 3) and Tippy falls off Chino’s head. Which doesn’t happen nearly as often as you’d think it would. Last time (season 2 episode 6) it also involved boats...

Cocoa, Chiya and Aoyama make a pact to be caught together, but it falls apart rather quickly, as Cocoa gets lured by Chino. The scene of Cocoa being captured was quite expanded compared to the manga, with Chiya and Aoyama trying to discourage Cocoa from falling into the obvious trap, and then lamenting her “passing”. 

Despite the earlier pact to be caught at once, Aoyama and Chiya split up and Rize ends up chasing Chiya. This is where the marathon chapter is referenced, as the teacher ends up chasing the student. Chiya was able to keep up for a while, but hits the dead-end and surrenders to Rize.

Meanwhile Cocoa, Chino and Rin go to some sort of fair, where Sharo finally appears, performing as Phantom Thief Lapin. Rin, being a fan of Lapin comes closer and discovers Aoyama already sitting there, who seems to like Sharo a bit too much... 

I also wonder where did Tippy come from, because it didn’t seem like Aoyama carried him while running away earlier. Next we see the infamous rabbit carousel, which looks even weirder when CGI animated.

It’s evening now, but if you look back at Rize chasing Chiya scene it’s clear that the sun is already beginning to set by then, and the sky becomes darker in the Lapin scene. There are all sorts of colorful lights in the background, which creates a proper fairgrounds atmosphere.

The lighting gets even more fairytale-like as everyone gets on the carousel, with bokeh effect being created by all the lights at the fair. Interestingly, the word “bokeh” comes from Japanese where it means “blur”. This entire scene looks quite amazing with CGI and special effects blending in with 2d animation very well. I bet it used up more budget than the rest of the episode, but it was worth it.

One of the interesting shots here was this one, with Chiya riding alone and looking pensively at Rize and Sharo, which made me feel bad for her. At least in the manga version, Chiya was riding with Rin so she didn’t look as lonely.

Aoyama and Rin are reminiscing about their past, and there’s a flashback of Aoyama in high-school uniform thanking Master (Chino’s grandfather) for lending her a fountain pen (a callback to season 1 episode 9 where she loses this pen). Unbeknownst to her, Master is sitting right in her lap, as Tippy. Maybe if Aoyama kept track of when she hears Master’s voice and Tippy is around, she’d have figured it out by now...

Anyway, that was another great episode of Gochiusa BLOOM, and check in next week for my review of the next episode which is coming out this Saturday. Seems like it will have more rabbits than usual...

[patchwork-panda]

If A Moment Is All We Are (30/?)

AO3 link: HERE

OP theme: HERE

“Ah, Kusunoki-san!”

I turned my attention away from my computer and looked up to see Atsushi and Kyouka arriving at our shared work area. I’d finished cleaning myself up a little and had changed into the spare clothing I’d kept in my locker and was now poring over emails before I went out for the day.

“Good morning!” Atsushi called, smiling brightly.

He dropped his bag on his desk as Kyouka quietly bobbed her head in a tiny bow behind him. I grinned and waved, my eyes on them but my mind still on Kunikida’s smile.

“Good morning Atsushi-kun, Kyouka-chan!”

I gestured to the plastic bag on my desk.

“Want some bread? The manager gave me extra, so I’ve got a few too many...”

Atsushi’s golden eyes went wide.

“Really? Can we?” he exclaimed as Kyouka immediately zipped over to my side and reached into the bag.

“Uh-huh! There’s tea and coffee too. Help yourselves.”

“Thanks!!”

As Kyouka went back to her desk, already munching on a freshly opened strawberry roll, Atsushi took his time and hung around, picking through the bag for tea.

“You look like you’re in a good mood this morning!” he said, his eyes sparkling. “Did something good happen earlier?”

“Ah, sort of?”

I fidgeted a little in my seat, my face growing warmer as I thought about the training session with Kunikida this morning.

“Yeah? Do tell.”

Without warning, a bandaged hand dropped down from above and plunged into the bag of treats I’d brought for the office.

“Oh! You’ve got ramen in here!” Dazai exclaimed, looking excited. “And it’s crab flavored, too! Don’t mind if I do.”

“Hey!”

I reached up to snatch it back but I was a second too slow.

“That’s my lunch—”

“Hmm? Instant ramen? But I thought Kunikiiiiida-kun wanted you to eat more vegetables,” Dazai said, tossing the cup of noodles up and down in the air.

“What’s it to you? Give that back!” I snapped, snatching the cup of noodles from him mid-toss.

But as I returned my attention to my computer, I felt a weight settling in near my elbow and looked back up to see Dazai actually sitting on my desk.

“You never answered my question,” he said.

His expression was suddenly gleeful, curious. He clapped his half-bandaged hands together and wiggled around in front of me like an excited schoolgirl.

“What did you and Kunikida-kun do this morning for your first time together? Did he go at it one-hundred percent? Did he pin you to the ground?”

“Dazai-san!!”

I flushed. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a piece of bread fall out of Kyouka’s mouth. Atsushi was suddenly choking on his tea.

“What kind of question is—”

“What are you doing sitting on Kusunoki’s desk, Dazai?”

I snapped my head around so fast I nearly got whiplash. The tall blonde detective had appeared just in time and for some reason, Dazai suddenly looked more gleeful than ever.

“Hey, Kunikiiiida-kun!”

Dazai hopped off my desk at once, a grin so wide it could only be described as manic stretching across his face. He skipped around my chair and threw one bandaged arm around Kunikida’s shoulders, forcing the taller man to duck down to his level.

“Perfect timing! I have a question I need to ask you!”

Kunikida sighed, looking irritated but resigned.

“What is it, Dazai-san.”

Dazai’s dark eyes glinted with mischief.

“Did you like the way she fought?”

Kunikida stared.

“Huh—?”

Something clattered to the ground and as one, Dazai, Kunikida, Atsushi and I turned to Kyouka, who’d knocked over her empty bottle of juice and was now pulling her kodachi out of her kimono.

“I can’t believe,” she said hollowly, the light fading from her ice-blue eyes, “that I thought Kunikida-san was an honest, upstanding person...”

Blood lust radiated off every inch of her tiny frame. The blade of her kodachi gleamed vividly in the light.

“But it looks like a man is just a man after all. Let me teach him a lesson for you, Kusunoki-san.”

“Wait! Kyouka-chan!” I cried, throwing myself between them as Kyouka advanced on Kunikida (who was hastily ripping a page out of his notebook) with her weapon drawn.

“This was a misunderstanding! Kunikida-san was teaching me self-defense. It was just a training session, that’s all, I swear!”

The tiny assassin hesitated, her weapon faltering in her hand.

“Really? But Dazai-san said—”

“Don’t listen to him!” I groaned as Atsushi nodded fervently and Kunikida slowly put his notebook away. “He was just trying to cause trouble so that...”

I trailed off and glanced at my desk, where the bag of ramen and snacks had suddenly disappeared along with any trace of the bandaged maniac.

“So that he could steal the rest of the food,” Atsushi sighed, slapping his palm against his face.

Seething, I hurled my notebook at the ground.

“Dazai-saaaaaan!!”

***

In the end, I never managed to hunt down Dazai or my lunch...

I sighed and hiked my bag a little higher over my shoulder, trying not to think about the horrifyingly suggestive questions Dazai had asked me and Kunikida and the way Kyouka had reacted.

Dazai, that asshole... all that just so he could steal my ramen.

I briefly thought about putting my lunch tab on him before coming to the conclusion that if I did, I’d only be adding to poor Shimeko’s worries. According to her, Dazai hadn’t paid back his tab at the Uzumaki Cafe for nearly eight months now...

Pausing to check the map on my phone, I glanced up and examined my surroundings.

Nomura said the university’s history department should be located somewhere around here, but...

I spun in a circle, looking around at the tree-lined streets and sighed.

Thanks to all the heavy greenery, it was hard to see the buildings, much less the tiny lettering embossed next to the entrances. If the map was correct, I needed to take a left here and head deeper into the campus if I wanted to reach the main library.

Shrugging, I stuck my phone back into my pocket and went left.

Right now, I knew pretty much nothing about the mysterious “Kei.” I didn’t know when he’d died, whether he’d actually killed himself, or if “Kei” even was his real name. If I wanted to get that police report, to check if Nomura had a good reason to be suspicious, then I’d need to learn Kei’s full name. And the only real lead I had so far was Kei’s connection to Professor Shin Matsuyama...

So I came here, to Nomura’s university, hoping I could find some more information on Professor Matsuyama at the history department’s library. I’d spent a couple hours doing some digging online but the professor was either highly secretive or not very well-known. If his research was on the obscure side, then there would be no way of accessing it outside the university. Moreover...

I opened my notebook, where I’d stashed some printouts before I’d gone out.

Apparently Professor Matsuyama had been a student here at the university before deciding to teach at the history department. If Nomura’s memory was correct, the professor looked to be around our age in the photograph he kept in his office. And if that was true...

I stopped before the nearest building on my right, a squat, white-tiled structure marked, “World History Department,” by a tarnished copper plaque.

...Then it was quite possible that Kei had been a student here as well.

I checked the map again and made a face.

Great. Low signal. Must be the trees...

I pressed refresh on my maps icon and waited. But even though the seconds dragged on and on, the three dots in the middle of my screen refused to fade away. I sighed and slipped my phone back into my pocket.

Guess I’ll have to ask for directions...

Unfortunately, no sooner had I picked up my feet and turned to the left than I walked right into someone mid-stride. Or rather, someone walked right into me.

“Ack—!”

I was on the ground before I even knew what hit me, my bag scuffing heavily against the ground and my butt bruising painfully beneath me. I heard the rapid clicking of thick, chunky heels hitting the pavement as the person who’d bumped into me came rushing over.

“Oh my goodness!” a woman exclaimed, her voice sounding strangely nasal and muffled. “I’m so sorry! I didn’t see you there.”

She knelt down at my side, folding her long, cream-colored dress beneath her legs, her light, airy clothing rustling softly as she moved.

“Are you alright?”

A pale, delicate-looking hand stretched out towards me and I looked up to see an elegant, well-dressed woman in her late thirties kneeling beside me in the dirt. She was fairly tall and slender, with long, wavy hair the color of desert sand and long lashes that curled beautifully over large, expressive dark-brown eyes. There was a strange red mark over her nose and a very thick book under her arm. As I took her hand and allowed her to pull me to my feet, I realized her voice had sounded muffled earlier because she’d been reading her book as she walked and had hit herself in the face with it when she bumped into me. However, even with the red mark over her nose, she was still very pretty.

“I’m fine,” I mumbled.

I took a moment to keep my Ability suppressed before rising to my feet.

“Thanks.”

The woman’s dark brows knitted together as she studied my face.

“Are you sure?” she asked, searching me for any sign of injury. “There’s a clinic on campus for injured students if you need any sort of treatment.”

“I’m sure,” I insisted, brushing off my clothes. “Really. I’m fine.”

“What a relief,” the woman sighed, her hand flying to her chest. “To think I could’ve hurt a student—and during exam week, no less!”

She sighed heavily, hanging her head.

“All because I had my nose in yet another book.”

“It must be a really nice book,” I said, smiling slightly.

“Oh, it is!” she gushed, flipping it over so that I could see the cover.

“...D. Keene?”

I squinted at it.

I’d never heard of this author before...

“He studies Japanese literature,” the woman said, “specifically modern Japanese literature. It’s a paperback version of one of the required reading books for the history students.”

She laughed a little as she tucked it back under her arm.

“I know it’s not the sort of book people find so fascinating that they can’t put it down but, well...”

She made a sort-of shrugging motion, her smile turning shy.

“I’m still really happy my husband is letting me borrow it for so long. Most people aren’t allowed to take university library books off campus but...”

Her eyes sparkled and I was once again struck by just how pretty she was.

“I suppose they make exceptions when you’re married to one of the faculty members.”

I studied her.

The wife of a faculty member... with special access to the history department library... It couldn’t be...

Could it?

“Which... professor are you married to?” I asked.

The elegant woman beamed at me.

“Professor Matsuyama Shin,” she said. “He teaches modern Japanese history here.”

She bobbed her head in a quick bow and I rushed to do the same.

“My name is Matsuyama Natsuki. Are you one of his students, perhaps?”

I shook my head.

“I’m actually not,” I admitted, surprising Natsuki. “But my friend, Nomura-kun, is and—”

Natsuki’s eyes widened.

“You’re one of Nomura-kun’s friends?” she asked, bringing her fingers to her lips.

I was taken aback.

“You know him?”

“Of course I know him,” Natsuki said, covering up a small laugh. “In fact, he’s very close to my husband. To be honest with you, he’s almost like a son to us. Such a kind, well-mannered boy...”

She studied me, her smile softening.

“I’m glad to see he’s making friends his own age. He comes over to the house so often that I was starting to worry he didn’t have any...”

“I see...” I said, suddenly feeling awkward.

Friends... huh?

Something about her words nagged at me, making me feel like I was forgetting something—something important in regards to Professor Matsuyama...

“...He keeps staring at this picture in his office and talking to it... When I asked him who was in this picture, he answered, ‘Natsuki and Kei...’”

I gasped.

That’s right...!

If Natsuki and Kei were both in the picture with the professor, then that meant Natsuki might know Kei. Maybe I could ask Natsuki for Kei’s full name so I could go and get that police report I needed.

But there was just one small problem with that...

I chewed my lip.

Thanks to Dazai’s meddling, I’d missed a tiny, but important detail on the first page of the case briefing. Due to the sensitive nature of the case, Nomura had requested that I try not to let any of the professor’s close friends or family know exactly what I was investigating. Made sense considering I was looking into a potential murder...

I studied the kind, friendly woman standing in front of me.

And now that I’d met Natsuki, I completely understood why. If I let the wrong thing slip, the results would be disastrous. If Nomura’s suspicions proved wrong, then I could potentially be wrecking Natsuki’s marriage for no reason. And if he was right...

I shuddered slightly.

I didn’t even want to think about what I’d have to do if he was right...

“Are you okay?” Natsuki asked, her pale brows furrowing together. “Are you cold? I could let you into a building to wait for Nomura-kun, if you’re here to meet with him.”

“Oh, no, I’m fine!” I said quickly, trying to put the smile back on my face. “Just... thinking about things...”

Natsuki blinked at me.

“Things...?”

I wasn’t going to have an opportunity like this again. I needed to ask her about Kei... but how was I going to do that without raising suspicion?

Okay, think... What would your mentors do here?

What would Kunikida do?

“Y-yeah, you know, exams, projects...” I trailed off.

Kunikida would probably go for the direct approach. He’d just ask her point blank if she knew someone by the name of “Kei,” and then prepare some way to deal with the consequences if things went south.

I crossed my arms and looked down.

No, that wasn’t going to work. I couldn’t come up with a contingency plan as fast as Kunikida could and I really wanted to spare Natsuki as much as possible.

Which meant I’d have to lie to her.

Lie... so that I could protect her...

At once, the memory came flooding back.

“I checked in with Yamazaki-san a few days ago...”

Dazai’s smile was gentle, his chocolate-brown eyes warm.

“She’s doing well... and she said to tell you ‘hi...’”

And just like that, I was back in the conference room again, sitting in a warm, well-lit room with papers scattered all around me and Dazai’s hand slowly drifting towards mine.

My arms unfurled from around my body. My hand twitched upwards; I was already reaching back. But when I lifted my head and glanced back up at the tree-lined path, it was Natsuki, and not Dazai, who was standing there before me.

I put my hand back down.

Dazai-san... Was this why he lied to me that day in the conference room...? To try to spare me the pain that he knew the truth would inevitably bring...?

My hand closed into a fist. I found myself biting the inside of my cheek.

Is this what I would have to do...?

Natsuki chuckled. She didn’t seem to have noticed a thing.

“Ah, I see,” she murmured, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. “Yes, you must have a lot on your mind right now. It’s always a busy time for students, isn’t it? No matter what the season or what you’re studying...”

I nodded, a small smile creeping back onto my face as the gears began to turn.

“That’s very true,” I said, the smile on my face stretching wide. “You’d think I wouldn’t be so stressed, being just a simple art student.”

Think like Dazai. Do what he would do...

I took my phone out and flipped through my gallery. I came to the pictures of Minato Mirai and flipped the phone around so I could show them off.

Mix the truth with lies. Layer them so that it’s harder to tell where one starts and the other begins... Make it so that you can’t tell the difference between them yourself...

“I actually came out here,” I said slowly, “to take some reference pictures of the scenery. Nomura-kun said this part of campus was really nice at this time of year so I thought I’d come check it out.”

“Oh, I see!” Natsuki gasped, leaning in to take a closer look at the photos. “You’re very talented, aren’t you? Um...”

“Kusunoki,” I said, inclining my head in a slight bow.

I felt my smile soften on its own.

“My name is Kusunoki Kyou. Thank you, Matsuyama-san.”

“Just telling the truth,” Natsuki said warmly, straightening back up. “If you want to take some more pictures, you should probably head a little deeper into campus, get closer to the library. There’s a wide field out that way and a small student garden beyond that as well.”

“That sounds great,” I agreed. “But the thing is, I’m not just looking for scenery today... I’m looking for models too.”

Natsuki’s deep brown eyes went wide.

“Models?” she repeated, her hand automatically going to her hair.

I watched as she began smoothing down the wildest of her curls.

“Yeah.”

I nodded and pulled out my phone, scrolling through the apps as if I were looking to open an email or memo.

“I was asked to draw a group portrait of three adults between the ages of thirty and fifty,” I said. “The teacher specifically told us not to ask other students to sit for us because they want us to get used to drawing people all ages and body types.”

I fidgeted a little, trying not to cringe as I thought about how Dazai might ask her to sit for a drawing. He’d probably flirt with her in some grandiose, over-the-top way and then ask her to commit double suicide with him, that maniac...

No, I had a better idea...

“If you don’t mind my saying so,” I mumbled, looking away. “You seem very nice and... I feel comfortable asking you this since you also know Nomura-kun.”

I glanced back up.

“Would you mind letting me draw you and your husband?”

“Not at all!” Natsuki exclaimed, looking flattered. “But I thought you needed three people?”

I nodded again.

“Yes, I do. Do you or your husband happen to have a friend who wouldn’t mind coming over to the campus park for an hour or two? Someone around your age?”

“Ah...”

At this, Natsuki grew quiet. She lowered her eyes.

“About that...”

A shadow crossed her beautiful face and she smiled.

“It’s funny that you should make such a request, Kusunoki-san,” she said, her smile growing wistful. “I actually know just the man to ask.”

I balked.

“Y-you do?”

“Yes.”

Her dark brown eyes flitted back up towards mine.

“But sadly...”

Her lips twitched, as if she was holding something back, something that looked an awful lot like tears. I felt my stomach clenching tightly as I saw the look on her face.

“I cannot ask him to meet with you. You see...”

She closed her eyes and sighed.

“He is no longer with us.”

“I... I see...”

Oh no...

Guilt flooded through my body. I felt the knot in my stomach tightening as Natsuki heaved a breathless sigh and stared up at the leaves that were beginning to rustle overhead. Her eyes seemed to shine with tears...

“I’m so sorry, Matsuyama-san,” I stammered, fidgeting in my bag for my handkerchief. “I shouldn’t have asked—! I didn’t mean to—”

“No, it’s okay,” Natsuki said graciously, her gaze still firmly fixed on the swaying branches above us. “You couldn’t have known.”

Her eyes met mine at last.

“How could you have? When we’ve only just met?”

Yes, how indeed? I thought with another stab of guilt as I pulled the handkerchief out at last.

But I offered it to her, Natsuki waved it away, her smile more gracious than ever.

“I’m alright, thank you,” she said, looking touched. “It’s very sweet of you to be so concerned about a complete stranger like me, Kusunoki-san. Your friends must be very fortunate indeed.”

This time, it was my turn to look away.

Friends...

I’d cut off contact with everyone I knew when I’d become a shut-in all those months ago. Now, the only people I was close with were my coworkers at the ADA. But did they think of me as a friend as well...?

“I... I guess so,” I mumbled, unable to meet her eyes.

Natsuki chuckled, prompting me to look back up.

“You seem easy to talk to, Kusunoki-san,” Natsuki said, tucking her hair back behind her ears as the wind began to pick up once again. “Like a good listener... Perhaps I could tell you about him one day...”

My mouth was as dry as cotton. I could hear my heart beating loudly in my ears.

I felt my lips slowly forming the words.

“Tell me about... who?”

Natsuki smiled.

“Kei.”

The wind began to howl. I clutched my jacket to my body as it tore through the tree-lined path. Leaves and dust and gravel scattered everywhere and I opened my eyes just in time to see a deluge of leaves descend from the heavens in a shower of glittering gold and green. Natsuki looked back at me through the storm.

“Our dearly departed friend Masaoka Kei...”

[180abroad]

Seattle & PodCon 2 (Special Post)

For this post, I wanted to share a more recent adventure of mine. This past weekend, I flew up to Seattle to attend a podcast convention. I went with my friend Heidi (@electricabyss), who actually suggested it to me while I was in Europe with Jessica last year.

We landed at SeaTac early Friday afternoon. The flight was quick and easy, and we didn't have any trouble getting through security despite the ongoing government shutdown affecting the TSA. Getting from the airport into town proved simple--if not exactly speedy--by taking the super-affordable Link train from the airport to the main downtown train station, which dropped us off just a few blocks from the convention center and our Airbnb.

Heidi had never used Airbnb before, so I got to share a bit of my knowledge and experience from using it extensively in Europe. I'd managed to find us a very nice place right around the corner from the convention center and considerably cheaper than a double room at the convention center hotel.

After a slightly awkward check-in process, we set out to do some sightseeing. We wouldn't have much free time during the weekend, so we went straight for the place we most wanted to see: Chihuly Garden and Glass.

I was vaguely aware of Chihuly as an artist who created beautiful and extravagant glass installations, and Heidi, being an artist, was very aware of who he is. The museum is clustered together with many other interesting museums right next to the iconic Space Needle.

The museum, which was a pricey but tolerable $25, starts with a quick introduction to Dale Chihuly's career, starting with glass interpretations of Native American basket and blanket designs and moving on to his increasingly stylized and larger-than-life works.

After passing under the gorgeous Persian Ceiling, we saw the truly amazing Mille Fiori (Italian for "thousand flowers").

After some more stunning pieces, we came to Chihuli's Ikebana and Niijima floats, featuring boats loaded with floral and sphere motifs, respectively. We found the Niijima float especially tranquil and calming to look at.

On the wall opposite from the floats hangs a series of "Burned Drawings"--mixed media artworks created by Chihuly after he lost the use of one eye in a glass-blowing accident and had to relinquish much of the grunt work to his apprentices. He turned to drawing as a way to channel his visions into reality, using paints, metallic pigments, charcoal, and even an acetylene torch to create some truly unique mixed-media effects.

Yet another amazing display was the Macchia Forest--a series of scalloped bowls made using all 300 colors in Chihuly's workshop.

Moving outside, we wandered through the magnificent gardens, filled with colorful glass tendrils rising from the ground like a beautiful alien invasion.

At the center of the museum is the Glasshouse, which houses one of the largest and most complex suspended installations Chihuly has ever made. It looks like one continuous string of exploding flowers, but from the side we could see that it was actually composed of many smaller pieces cleverly hung together to give the impression of continuity.

And faintly visible through the ceiling, the iconic Space Needle towered directly over us.

Before we left, we got to see a live glassblowing demonstration by a team of three museum employees. They were using a mobile workshop converted from a vintage Airstream trailer.

It was fascinating to watch them work, and the darkening evening made the glow of the molten glass all the more spectacular. Even though they were only creating a simple cylindrical vase, we were enthralled to see them start with a small, egg-sized ball of molten glass and expand and shape it, adding bits of clear and colored glass along the way.

It was especially impressive to see the way the team worked together with practiced ease, each anticipating and preparing for the others' needs.

After the show, we took one last look into the gardens, then headed over to the Space Needle gift shop, where all of the artwork made by the glassblowing demonstrations is put up for sale.

We made our way to the Armory, a food court in the center of the museum plaza. Most of the restaurants were already closed despite it being early evening on a Friday, but we stuck around since we were meeting up with some of Heidi's old college friends. Afterward, we went home on the monorail, which exists solely to connect the museum plaza with the main train station downtown.

That night, as I tried to sleep on the pullout couch, I was reminded just how nice it is to sleep in a real bed.

The rest of the weekend was dominated by PodCon.

It was the second annual PodCon convention, featuring the Green and McElroy family podcasting empires, as well as a host of other great podcasters including--but far from limited limited to--Roman Mars of 99% Invisible, Helen Zaltzman of The Allusionist, Ross and Carrie of Oh No Ross & Carrie, the Hannahs Hart and Gelb of Hannahlyze This, and Cecil Baldwin, Jeffrey Cranor, Joseph Fink, Symphony Sanders, Dylan Marron, and Meg Bashwiner of Welcome to Nightvale.

Heidi and I were mainly fans of the various McElroy and McElroy-adjacent podcasts, but we were excited to discover new great podcasts and podcasters as well.

Saturday started with a fun opening ceremony. Highlights included listening to Hank Green and Travis McElroy talking about being dads of toddlers, Cecil Baldwin encouraging us all to take a break and appreciate floors, and Griffin McElroy passing on the crown of “cronching.”

Next, we saw a live performance of Oh No Ross & Carrie, which Heidi hadn't seen before. Ross talked about his experiment to see if their ban from Scientology had reached this far north, then they covered a Seattle ghost tour they'd taken the night before. There had been a bit of a mix-up with regard to the question of whether there would be a projector in the meeting room, but Carrie kindly kept us apprised of just how much we would have enjoyed the pictures they'd taken.

It was everything I'd hoped for.

We managed to get into a meet and greet with the Smirl sisters of Still Buffering, including Sydnee McElroy, who also hosts the medical history podcast Sawbones with her husband Justin McElroy, of My Brother, My Brother, and Me and The Adventure Zone. (Confused yet?)

I was able to get my copy of The Sawbones Book signed by Sydnee and Teylor, who did the book's fantastic artwork, and Heidi was able to have a very brief chat with Teylor about art school and continuing to do art even when you don't end up being able to make a full-time living off of it.

All three of them were incredibly sweet and wholesome.

After that, we saw a live performance of Buffering the Vampire Slayer, which neither of us had seen before. Hosted by the formerly married Kristin Russo and Jenny Owen Youngs, each episode recaps an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, reveling in its silly awesomeness while also appreciating its relevance to ongoing social, political, and LGBTQ issues. Even having never seen the episode they were recapping, it was very entertaining and accessible.

Last two shows of the night were Still Buffering and My Brother, My Brother, and Me, the two shows we had been most excited to see. They were both very fun, and the episodes have already been posted this week.

After day's events were over, we took an Uber over to Pair, a fine Franco-Mediterranean tapas restaurant in the university district where another of Heidi's old friends works. The food was absolutely delicious, and for dessert Heidi's friend prepared a special "raindrop cake."

It was… interesting.

The second day of the convention, we saw three panels: one on podcasting with family (featuring Teylor and Riliegh Smirl), one on dealing with anxiety and depression as a comedic entertainer (featuring Justin McElroy), and one on telling complex stories in a simple and accessible way (featuring Sydnee McElroy). The last panel also introduced us to the delightful Helen Zaltzman of The Allusionist, a non-prescriptivist podcast about the charms and foibles of the ever-evolving English language.

We also got to meet Clint McElroy, father of the McElroy brothers, co-host of The Adventure Zone, and author of the Adventure Zone graphic novels. He was a surprise guest on the family panel and was more than happy to lead his "disciples" out into the hallway afterward for book signings, photo ops, and fatherly hugs. Like everyone else we met, he was incredibly kind and respectful.

Taking a break, we walked down to the Pike Place Market for lunch. We got chicken katsu and a chocolate and strawberry crepe, both of which were among the tastiest either of us had ever had. We also checked out Golden Age Collectibles, which is apparently the world's oldest comic shop.

Last big show of the convention was Sawbones, where Justin and Sydnee talked about auriculotherapy--a pseudoscientific practice similar to reflexology that claims you can cure just about any ailment just by applying the right pressure, vibration, or radiation to specific pressure points in the ear.

The con ended with a wonderful closing performance. Highlights included an experiment to record an entire ten-episode podcast season in ten minutes (One Question, With Allegra Frank), Roman Mars and Justin McElroy conversing through prerecorded sound bites, and a hilarious and terrifying game where four podcasters had to compete to say catchphrases while wearing a dental mouthpiece. Carrie Poppy handily won, then proceeded to deliver an amazingly drawn-out and over-the-top victory speech--while still wearing the mouthpiece.

I’ve never been much of a convention person. I don’t like crowds, and I don't have a deep-seated desire to share my obscure obsessions with total strangers. Liking the same thing is good fuel for a friendship, but I don't see it as a basis for one. Still, getting to see the live performances and panels was a thrill, and it was truly touching to see people enjoy themselves and revel in their weirdness in a way that they probably don't feel free to in their regular lives.

All in all, it was a fantastic weekend and a much-needed break from the busy holiday work season. I have to say that, while our Airbnb experience was quite positive, in retrospect I probably would have stayed at the hotel instead. It was cheaper than a hotel, but not that much cheaper. Close to the convention center, but still a bit of a walk. And we didn't really have time to take advantage of the kitchen or any of the other amenities. Having a larger space and separate rooms was the main benefit, but the beds really weren't that great.

Anyway, we had a great time, and the trip home was as easy and uneventful as our flight over. In fact, the TSA agents were unnervingly friendly and cheerful--an experience I'd never encountered before in a US airport.

[disparais]

a place apart from time

though i technically have another (fairly short-lived) blog, i decided i need a safe space where i can enjoy the comfort of knowing that i’m, in qx’s famous words, ‘only one but not alone’. a space where i can document myself at my rawest and most vulnerable, without the pressure of anyone i know being likely to seek this place out. of course, i could always make this blog private, but that isn’t quite the same - it feels almost like locking others out. and, i like the idea that someone i know (hopefully someone that matters) might inadvertently stumble upon this place. paradoxical, isn’t it? i don’t want anyone i know reading all this, yet i do.

been wanting to get this blog up for some time but i haven’t been able to justify putting paperscents down. i finally think it’s about time, though. j is the only one with access to paperscents (technically, f too, i guess) and while the idea of being everything to share everything with someone is nice in theory, i feel like lines need to be drawn because some things i just need to process without having to worry about being perceived as a basket case.

fsfsf currently feeling a myriad of emotions i can’t quite place but it’s a distinctly unpleasant/unwelcome cocktail of unease, guilt, self-doubt/insecurity and feeling burdened and violated.

unease: a generalized malaise, not dissimilar to the nonspecific fatigue experienced by anyone with an illness. likely secondary to the other emotions.

guilt: valentine’s was an utter disaster. nothing to do with j - quick dinner at omoomodon + bridge with h8 m1s + cf, nothing much out of the ordinary there. (oh, j sliced a bunch of korean strawberries into roses. pretty impressive knifework and patience. more importantly, the strawberries tasted great.)

(i fell asleep at this juncture and woke up at 12pm realizing i had missed anat tutorial and my com was out of batt. somehow the post autosaved, so i am Truly Grateful.)

anyway, my guilt has everything to do with (most of) the other guys. why is j so relevantly persistent? why can’t m realize that the chemistry between us can never become something more? why did d2 decide there was something worth pursuing between us after a 2-hour conversation at heartbuzz? (he doesn’t like music - that’s a total dealbreaker.) and i hope to god k isn’t even included in this entire mess (i doubt he is? but my gut has been failing me recently.). icing on the cake - i ran into d yesterday at the mrt save me

why do so many people think i’m mysteriously compatible with them? i feel like this has little to do with looks (objectively i know i could have done a lot worse when it comes to looks, but i don’t look remotely good enough to be ec or anything.). the devotion of these guys also surpasses the usual lengths to which a guy ec-ing a girl would go, i think, and that bothers me. do i somehow lead people on in conversations? how is it that i can find a point of connection with so many people? statistically speaking, i like to think in terms of interests and thought processes, i am fairly anomalous. does that help or hurt in this case?

self-doubt/insecurity: reciprocity is important, even in friendships. i can only reach out for so long before i begin to wonder if i’m more of an intrusion/inconvenience than a welcome presence. at any rate, this is out of my hands - que sera sera, and at least there are other friends close by. i haven’t actively wanted to be someone’s friend for a long, long time, so this is a strange feeling.

i’m not sure why she matters so much, anyway - maybe because the glimpses i get into her thoughts and the inner her resonate so deeply with me and make me feel like there’s something about this friendship that i don’t want to miss out on. but i can’t force anything, and i’m certainly not about to trap either of us into a unilateral friendship, so. we wait, and we see.

(funny how i write about friendships like most people would write about romance. i suppose my priorities are a little tilted - but i’m not sure i’d change them. the one thing about this that sucks is that your friends most likely have normal priorities and would drop you in a heartbeat for their partners, leaving you stranded as that friend who cares too much.)

burdened: hacksaw ridge. first things first - it was really nice to finally have time for a date with k; i’m glad we’ve finally made it happen. she was another of those people where i had the gut feeling that i didn’t want to miss out on this friendship, and honestly i’m glad i “listened to my intestines” (shut up, maura.). i had wanted to practice with the explicit purpose of going into humanitarian aid, but looking at the level of risk involved in combat medicine, while inspiring and soul-stirring, definitely made me feel like it’s something i’m not quite cut-out for. is that bad? am i being selfish?

that being said, humanitarian aid is still a lifelong goal - just that i’d rather work in lower-risk areas like disaster relief, or with organizations like ijm, where there are structured stings and such to deal with issues i feel deeply about (human trafficking etc).

seeing doss flee alongside his comrades with a wounded soldier on his back really hammered home the nobility of medicine. the enemy is incorporeal, and we are just as vulnerable as the next man - disease and injury could befall any of us. yet the profession we have chosen adds the burden of somehow preventing and reversing the damage done. (this sounds overly portentous, i know.)

violated: l’accordeur started off nice (schumann’s dichterliebe op. 48 no. 10 is truly haunting) but got really dark towards the end. on a normal day i might just have been left unsettled but after all the violence and chaos of hacksaw ridge, l’accordeur seemed almost traumatizing in comparison. the outright brutality in hacksaw ridge cannot compare to the slimy, insidious darkness that overshadowed and gradually took over the film. classical music is usually my refuge, because the grace, beauty and structure is comforting (not to mention my borderline-but-not-exactly-synesthesia thrives on literally anything classical), but this safe space was not an option for me last night and it viscerally made me sick.

wanted to try to face my anxiety by confronting the source of my fears and going to learn the damn schumann, but ran into d in the lift and he told me guitarpella/jam city were having prac in the flying seed (at 12.30am oh for chrissakes) so i literally just stayed in the lift and went back up to the 3rd floor feeling more frustrated and trapped than ever.

almost felt like crawling out of my own skin because i couldn’t handle all these negative feelings rattling around in my core.

oh well, it’s all out there and i’ve done some processing and i’m gonNA BE LATE bye i might continue this later.