#ngl internally i'm shitting myself over this a lot

[queervegancryptid]

Can anyone give me more info on this? Particularly the passport thing. When we talk about trans people who are trans on government documents, what does that mean exactly? I updated my name but never changed my gender marker. But I have Medicare and (Florida) Medicaid and my medical records are splattered with ICD codes that make it really obvious that I'm not cisgender.

I'm sorry if this is a dumb question, but honestly, I don't know how paranoid I should be right now. I live in Florida and am kinda freaked out right now in general. If they come for medicinal marijuana too, I am not going to be okay. Besides that, I also want to know so I can pass the info if someone I know needs it at some point. I can't be the only person with this question.

Sorry for adding on btw. I'm not trying to hijack the post. I'm just freaking out lately and trying to understand my options. Thanks to anybody who sees this and responds 💜💜💜

The State department has changed LGBTQ to LGB.

If you claim to care about trans people now is a good time to show genuine ally ship.

[obitoanon]

I think we need to have a serious discussion in the fandom about the misogyny that permeates every corner of it.

Sakura. Ino. Tsunade. Karin. All the female characters that are pitted against the male characters.

Ok without wasting time with a preface because this crap is as old as Shippuden, this is why I'm speaking out:

Calling Sakura ugly is misogyny. Calling her ugly and wrinkled and a pedophile by loser "fans" just to push Sasuke with Karin, over a SHIP. Is very disturbing. I'm aware that most of the fandom is polluted with kids who learned how to talk to a girl through 4chan. But these kinds of blogs deserve to be called out.

The word misogyny gets thrown around so much it now means nothing to most users. So I'm going to go with prepubescent twinks who hate women and speak on women in the most derogatory terms, because they were raised on the internet and have never had any real interactions with women outside of anime characters. The same kind of fans who call women they know stupid. The same kind of fans who laugh at women in public for dressing in clothes. The same kind of fans who call girls SLUTS for taking birth control. For having periods.

So for those asshats who don't know how braindead and ABUSIVE they sound, here's a common sense reminder.

Hateful:

Calling female anime characters ugly, wrinkled, pedophiles, bitches, whores, cunts, sluts, useless, predatory, whoresluttramps, sexual props, pussies, commenting on their ages, props for the men in various colorful language, tramps, using immature phrases such as "sakura is a bitch who needs to shut her whore mouth" "ino is so tough she's practically a dude" "karin has no point but to be sasuke's bitch" etc. Using ludicrous degenerative made up canon bs like sakura is a pedophile for pursuing Sasuke. Posting lewd over the top sexual art of the female characters (often AI), though there's so much of that in anime and manga it's basically a part of anime culture.

Acceptable:

I don't enjoy sakura's character bc she does this and this action. She tends to be aggressive (which I can argue with but whatever). She uses whatever tactics to get her way. I don't enjoy Ino's character bc of whatever [personality traits].

Pathetic and Cringe:

I hate Sakura bc she's a female character and female characters in anime tend to be stupid.

Welcome to the "I am misogynistic to the bone and I have never learned how to respect a woman in my life" club.

Acceptable:

I stan Sakura/Ino/Tsunade etc BC she's a female character and BC they are hot. I love and respect pretty anime girls!

Hateful:

I stan anime girls because they're sex objects and I don't see a point to them otherwise.

Yikes.. rapey much?

I don't care what you ship. Who you ship. Which characters you deathly stan to the nth degree. Take a long hard look at your internal misogyny because I will bet most of the fandom at some point has had hateful thoughts about any of the Naruto females. To the point where you will make endless posts defending WHY Sakura ESP is so "annoying".

How we talk about fictional women says a lot about how our brains developed and for the user above, it is very, very disturbing that fans are ready to BASH females so readily just to defend Sasuke to be with whoever. That is textbook misogyny. It's very often just brushed under the rug.

Women have enough hate thrown at us by rapey guys IRL to come online and see this absolute trash. And I've been in this fandom long enough to see the evidence. I've seen all of it and enough of it.

I'm not removing myself from introspection. But, I honestly could care less who Sasuke fucks or marries or has babies with. I don't ship anyone (except Obirin and possibly Konan/Yahiko and Kakashi/Iruka is cute ngl, secretly Kakuzu/Tsunade, and well Mads/Hashirama BUT NOT TO ANY REAL DEGREE (except obirin).

I will be calling out blogs I see who are blatantly hateful of the female characters. Count on it. Tobi doesn't stan that shit. As a person with a brain we all should.

And before Sasuke fans come at me I didn't say it's ok to call Sasuke any of that either. Sasuke isn't abusive. He didn't lead Sakura on. He's not a bad dad.

AND IF ANYONE COMES AT RIN TOBIOBI WILL MURDER!!!!!!! 🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸

[zarkishere]

Meet... Ruben Connor!

My dumb dumb stupid idiot I hate <3

(i do wanna say a lot of the things he does is based on how I play RDR, so yeah HAJKSGHKJASG)

(yapping time. this is your fault.)

HE'S SO SO DUMB I LOVE HIM I'M SO SERIOUS. GOD. HE MAKES ME SO MAD. idk if I'll ever tell the full story, buuut I'll tell a bit rn :)

He was born in Brazil to a Brazilian mother and a Mexican father, but when he was young his dad got sick and wanted to see Mexico one last time so they went all the way there...and mf died like a week after and then wtf like what are they gonna do that's crazy

ANYWAY, SCARS AND RANDOM FACTS!!

ion wanna explain where he got these, but I WILL say the arm one was kinda because of Dutch....yikers

he loves animals. Like. God. Keep him AWAY, or he WILL try to get close to the cute baby (cougar)

is into embroidery!!

he overthinks a lot and sometimes just starts eating to distract himself, so Grimshaw taught him how to do embroidery so he had somth to do with his hands other than Cut Up Random Shit or Eat

comes home soaked in blood so often he has to buy new white shirts every few days (it's a real problem, he spends so much money, god help him)

has forgotten most of his Brazilian, and it actually makes him very upset

Next, relationship charts! (THIS IS A VERY SELF-INDULGENT OC LEAVE ME ALONE)

what he thinks of others

notes!

Ruben sees Arthur, John and Tilly as siblings!

Has called Arthur and Charles dad more than once while drunk (don't mention it he gets really embarassed)

generally /pos with everyone :)

you see, Ruben is very much a yes man and is sometimes wayy too easy to trust, so for him to think negatively of you, you gotta be some fucked up bastard 😭😭

Likes referring to people by nicknames based on animals. Like, Javier is coyote, Kieran is patito (YES IM STEALING FROM MYSELF), John is Lobito (he fucking hates it), etc.

calls Dutch dad when he needs something, calls Hosea dad when he's genuinely upset

in general, Hosea is the favorite parent (to no-one's surprise)

...what? what about Javier? Oh, uhh...it's complicated. (aka, they're two men in 1899. They're never giving what they have a label they're just Something) (they are really gay tho like damn get a room)

actually really disliked Javier at first! (internalized homophobia + being forced to go with him since "they're both Mexicans") (yeah Dutch said that, and while Javier brushed it off Ruben Did Not Forget) (he got over it eventually tho)

what others think of him

notes!

most people think he's too reckless, tbh.

he is tho ngl LMOA--he'll run in with only a knife if he's all out of bullets, will accidentally throw the dynamite at his feet and panic or other bullshit like he's a bit of a bloodthirsty idiot

Micah doesn't absolutely hate him cuz he finds enjoyment in seeing the fool do fucked up shit

Charles often gives him That Look when he's doing something wrong, and he'll immediately know to stop

alright idk what else to say HJKASGHJKASGJKASG I could yap on FOREVERRRR, but you don't care so it's okay

this is YOUR FAULT for telling me I should post about my rdr2 oc okay

anyway, thank you for telling me that, it's made me happy <3

[stormoflina]

Call me selfish but I want all the boys just to rest and not play international. City players always magically pull out of international for injury and then are suddenly fit for premier league games

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

im with you, anon 😭 especially with our South American players with the upcoming Copa América.

as a south american myself, it would be wise if they didn't travel (while it would be amazing to win la Copa, i don't expect my country to get too far in the tournament cause my dearest Lucho cannot do everything by himself) cause shit gets ugly reallyyyy fast in our football. players over here loooooooove their dirty tackles especially those from certain countries that know that they can get away with many things cause they are more successful than others (just like certain countries in other regions lol). many of our matches are aggressive and borderline violent when you see how hard they play each other even without dirty tackles 💀

i will never forget Copa América 2015 and 2016, those two tournaments were filled with fights almost every single match. competitiveness here seems to jump straight from normal competitiveness to violence within like 5 minutes of the game starting lmao.

i remember one Colombia vs. Brazil match ended in a fight after tensions just kept rapidly rising as the match progressed. the whole thing exploded when Neymar kicked the ball just so it could hit a Colombian player and in retaliation a Colombian player came running and pushed Neymar which only helped to make things go even crazier. the whole thing became a meme and many were kinda happy cause goddamn, Neymar was so fucking annoying during that tournament 💀 (not that he has changed tbh, he seems to be getting worse as he gets older).

and oh my god, while this specific moment was not really aggressive or anything, there was this one match (Chile vs. Uruguay) where a Chilean player put a finger up an Uruguayan player's ass (Cavani, out of all people 😭) and the one who got sent off was Cavani after he lightly slapped the other guy and he, as football players do, dramatically fell to the ground holding his face as if he had just gotten punched within an inch of his life. However, the match as a whole was aggressive as hell. Crazy match tbh.

later, the whole thing got reviewed and the Chilean player got suspended for like three matches lmaoo. some look at him or hear his name and go "oooh, that's the guy that put his finger up Cavani's ass".

i remember watching that match with my family and we all just looked at each other all confused cause "did that guy really put his finger up Cavani's ass??? 👁️👁️" and then got mad when Cavani got sent off as if we were Uruguayans cause no one but Chileans were rooting for Chile during that tournament lmaooo.

- long ass rant anon with south american gossip lolololol 🇨🇴

My lovely anon, thank you so much for providing the South-American gossip, this was so amusing to read!!

I confess, I don’t watch a lot of South American football, but when I do, it always leaves an everlasting impression lol. Those players truly play football like they are in war, but hey, violence can be entertaining - especially if the drama is not happening to your favorites, but rather rivals haha. I’m so afraid of this international break, ngl, my favourite ever player is finally back from injury in our nt after 1,5 years and I just know if he goes down even with the lightest tackle I will be clutching my pearls lol. And of course with Domi too, or any players really. They also suffer from the passion disease and act like they are fighting for our country’s independence or something. It’s just a friendly, please protect yourself!!

And hahah, no, I actually remember the Cavani ass touching incident. I didn’t see the whole match but rather the videos and meme after that haha, crazy stuff. Which countries are the favoured ones in your opinion? I'm nosey and live for the drama 😭

[hussyknee]

I'll never get over how much privilege the damn chicken shit shit shows and the fucking perspectives they give like. "It's just a chicken sandwich. If you can't live without it, you're not a true ally. It doesn't even taste that good!!! So you're just hurting people for a some basic chicken sandwitch!!!" I'm so glad you think everything has the ability to make decisions on what to eat like that, that there couldnt possible be any reason, that maybe thats all there is around some people. I'm disabled, I can not cook most of the time, and i can't pay for my own food most of the time and even when I can options are extremely limited because I'm dead broke and disabled. There is a demon chicken place near me and the salads are higher quality than the ones at McDonald's if they even carry salads anymore. So sorry for eating a dirty chicken sandwich when there are times I can't even buy an item I want when I AM paying because the abled person with me decided to be controlling. So sorry I buy the Demon chicken because it's what's on the way home that isn't the over priced local place with a thousand mile line. So sorry not everyone can fucking cook at home.

*hugs* I hate how many times that post came up on my dash. This is exactly the case with food franchise joints– it's a matter of access, especially for poor and disabled people. I'll never understand people who're like "yeah yeah no ethical consumption under capitalism EXCEPT for <cherry picked example of mass consumption>".

Ngl, "demon chicken" made me laugh. 😂

We don't have Chick-fil-A in my country, and fast food is an expensive treat for us, but I know that they're aimed at a lower earning, overworked class demographic in the West. I have a really difficult relationship with making food choices and feeding myself, especially when I'm in a flare or stressed out or really depressed and will live off literally anything that will deliver cheap enough or on my way home, which are not a lot of choices given that I live in Bumfuck, Suburbia.

But also like....why are these people singling Chick-fil-A and not Nestlé or Coca Cola or child slavery chocolate or Chiquita or or or. My country's main exports are tea, coffee, textiles and spices. Do y'all know how those workers are treated? Which multinationals send refuse back to dump in our country, so that our soil and water are poisoned and our people die from disease? Why is funding homophobic lobbies in the West worse than literally killing BIPOC (with death squads in Nestlé's case)? That's what I think about every single time I see those posts. That my people's deaths are unavoidable, but if everyone doesn't make an exception for this one brand or issue, then we're all --phobes and --ists who don't care. And what's special about that issue? It also impacts white people in the West. The minute white middle class folks are affected it becomes an international emergency.

And yeah, the BIPOC also affected can ride in on those coat tails, but they're not gonna benefit from white allyship. They'll be trotted out to buttress their talking points when it's convenient and then promptly forgotten about and left just as disenfranchised once the white middle class element get theirs. "But it affects me and I'm not white!" and yet they're the only reason you're able to choose guilting and shaming as your advocacy tactic. If guilting and shaming worked for Black, brown and working class people's issues we wouldn't have half our problems. The reason we don't choose that approach is because it has never in the history of activism worked. The reason it's specifically a white middle class tactic is that they're so used to the world bending down for them that they can't fathom that it won't once they're part of a marginalised group. That, and it does work– on people as or more vulnerable than they are. Shaming and guilting and ostracizing is about the illusion of power, not emancipation. Emancipation involves solidarity building, mutual aid, education and harm reduction. The current state of leftism in the West can be blamed directly on the fact that middle class whites found themselves sharing socio-economic oppressions with BIPOC (always overrepresented in the working class) and immediately pushed themselves to the forefront of every issue. And then Western BIPOC absorbed all that hyperindividualist neoliberalism and respectability politics.

Eat your fill of whatever food you can procure, friend. The demons aren't in the chicken. They're in the system that overworks and underpays people, guts disabled and social welfare, plan your cities so that all you can reach are chain stores, and prices out the rest of the competition. They're in the legislative system where it's legal to create and fund lobbies to take away human rights.

[marlowethelibrarian]

Writeblr Interview!

tagged by @saturnine-saturneight [here] !! Thanks for the tag!!

Short stories, novels, or poems?

I've written short stories and I'm working on a novel!! I think my short stories have all been pretty ass tbh. I think most of the ones I wrote were trying to be novels actually. I think I should read more short stories before I write them.

I'm not a super poetry person though lol

What genre do you prefer reading?

I read a lot of fucking fantasy. Other fiction too, but fantasy is pretty much where I sit in the readersphere.

Are you a planner or a write as I go kind of person?

I think I'm a bit more of a write as I go kind of a person in that my best ideas tend to pop up in the process of writing though I usually have a larger structure I'm vaguely following.

I've done enough reading that I think I've internalized some things about pacing and story beats that it just flows out.

What music do you listen to while writing?

Villain playlists on youtube. I don't really think about the songs too much in general tbh, I just want a catchy beat.

Favorite books/movies?

Stuff that makes me think!!! I love a good grip on character and an examination of why people Do That. The locked tomb book series is such a vibe for me rn, and I really liked Everything Everywhere All at Once. That shit laid me right out.

1000x Resist is also a video game that has it's fucking grip on my soul rn.

Any current WIPs?

I've got Project Cannibalism and the summer leagues OCT right now! I'm playing with some other ideas rn but that's just play atm.

If someone were to make a cartoon out of you what would your standard outfit be?

Wizard outfit.

I do, in fact have a wizard outfit I made myself, because I'm a huge nerd and a LARPer. It's why my little sphere self has a wizard hat. It's because I'm a wizard.

The wizard hat is a brown wool with a gold hat band and gold bead and chain dangles from the brim. The hat is a long maroon red duster with gold embroidery on the cuffs.

Create a character description of yourself:

Marlowe's round, expressive face grins wide and laughs a touch too boisterously, the short floppy crop of black hair bouncing over the brow framed lenses.

Do you like incorporating actual people you know into your writing?

Not on purpose! I often feel like I am exploring a type of person as I write a character and trying to portray someone I know already from the outside in feels counter productive to that.

Are you kill happy with your characters?

There's more interesting ways to make characters suffer than killing them.

Coffee or Tea while writing?

I just forget to drink, honestly.

Slow or fast writer?

As it turns out, I write pretty damn quickly.

Where/who/what do you draw inspiration from?

I think I draw a lot of inspiration from going like wouldn't be fucked up if a guy hit another guy with a rock?

Also tbh from rps I've had with my partner, books I read, questions I have about life, or people. I like looking at the natural world and being like wow how about that thing no fantasy author would have made up in a million years that actually exists in our actual factual world?

But sometimes it really is just

wouldn't it be fucked up?

And to explore the implications out from there.

If you were in a fantasy world, what would you be?

Wizard!! We've covered this, I'm a little wizard guy. I'm a library wizard. Wizard is my gender, I'm a wizard.

Most fav book cliche:

Idk, usually i prefer execution over cliches. I do enjoy a good enemies to lovers though.

Least favorite cliche:

Right now I'm pretty tired of reading about revolutions ngl. I think it's overused, especially by people who don't actually understand what it means to do a revolution. Especially YA revolutions where it's like some kind of metaphor for finding yourself and the evil government is like wantonly murdering their own subjects because they "failed at their jobs" or whatever.

1000x Resist managed to do a revolution I wasn't immediately rolling my eyes at though, possibly because it was a story about a revolution and not necessarily a revolution about other things. It was rooted in real life politics and it didn't pull its punches, didn't romanticize the idea of revolution.

1000x resist is honestly so good everyone go play it.

Favorite scene to write?

I really like writing scenes that make me cry and will hopefully hurt any reader's feelings ngl. I also quite enjoy a fight scene!

Reason for writing?

Idk I just do. I like to write and I've been writing since I was 10, typing my first self insert naruto fanfiction out on word and being excited that I was the one who was making the characters do things. I'd been a voracious reader since even before I could read myself, bothering my parents to read me books constantly. Trying the magic myself seems kind of inevitable.

I'd like to be published some day though! I'm hoping to shop Project Cannibalism around to publishers though I'm not opposed to self publishing either.

tagging: +open!!!

[lnights]

Heeey Awkward

Hope you’re having fun and not too overwhelmed. I’m going to word vomit at you as I’m stressed and my family aren’t helpful and I’m having an internal battle of anxiety and autism vs wanting to push myself and try new things and you my favourite bat are unfortunately getting my anxious meandering drabbles right in the neck- sorry batty I’ll draw another bat in repayment 😂😅🤦‍♀️

So I want to go to Helsinki as ngl sounds fun and the people are chill (I’ve heard.) I can afford it and there is stuff I’d want to do and arty stuff I’d enjoy which can entertain my adhd self for hours. BUT and it is a BIG BUT I’d be going alone, having never navigated an airport alone, I’d be going over my birthday and have zero safety net if I get anxious, panic or get sensorially overwhelmed. I also forget to eat and don’t notice feeling hungry (ta ADHD) which means I can pass out randomly. Not ideal in a foreign city where I don’t know the language.

Now I am desperate to push my self, see new stuff and meet knew people (not easy as a neurodivergent) and in general escape the political shit storm which is the UK atm.

As well as loving art and new places are so fun for that and adore getting lost in new cities. But bottom line I’m fucking terrified Awkward and don’t know what to do as my gut/brain (where my anxiety residing currently) and my heart are at war as I always been a think with your head person.

I know you can’t make this decision for me and I know I rarely regret something which makes me anxious and I know I want to do this but fuck me i scared. Equally if any Finns read this and think this is a horrendous or brilliant ideal hmu 😂

Apologies again, love and eternal fluffy bat hugs

Anxious 🖤🦇🖤

Anxious dearie.

You can yell into the void of my askbox anytime, I don't mind.

Going to a foreign country by yourself sounds like a lot, I would be anxious too.

Passing out definitely would be a worry, can you set alarms to remind yourself to eat and hydrate?

If you know that you rarely regret going through with things that made you anxious, I would keep that in mind.

I'm sorry you're having doubts, I know it's something you really want.

Personally I would say do it.

Maybe some Finns can weigh in?

[bi-kisses]

It took me 5 years of believing I was trans to realize I'm cis. I fully realized this like in the past month or 2. I never came out irl but everyone online knows me as a ftm so I'm not a detransitioner but I still feel awkward about my online friends. I know they are really chill so they won't give me shit but I feel dumb asf. 1/4 ALSO PLS dont post if I'm accidentally not anon

I really mixed up my self hatred and ngl a bit of internal misogyny for GD. I related to a lot of ftms. I hate my chest, hips, small waist, high voice, got pretty happy when I got called a dude (only like 2 times I've been called one but still), I spend so much time breaking down over being a bio female, I hated it. I wanted to feel normal. 2/4

I have a lot of issues w/ daydreaming and putting my head in the mind space of fictional characters. I just wanted to get away from myself ig I just think it went way too far this time. Idk I'm just trying to accept what I can't change, and try to fix my appearance in realistic ways to make me feel more like myself. ¾

Sorry for the long rant lol I'm just too much of a bitch to say it anywhere else. Ig my point is that I'm glad I found out I'm a gnc chick. It should be embarrassing to find out you were wrong! 4/4

---------------

I’m not sure it needs to be embarrassing haha but it often won’t be easy, especially if you’ve identified one way for a long period of time and have been adamant about it.

I’m also glad you came to the realization about yourself and are working through issues in the way that works best for you! I relate with the daydreaming stuff and that definitely is a huge symptom of a lot of deeper problems for some people, and it can absolutely lead to confusion when you’re desperately searching for some way to not be... yourself. 

If anyone out there is going through a similar situation, I’m wishing you the best! Also good luck to you, anon, and sorry I took so long to post this, I haven’t been on desktop in a while

[paepsi]

EXO as dumb shit I’ve done, EXPLAINED:

Suho: 

See this picture here? This is me before the moving team. I was so fucking proud of myself for strapping the base of the chair to my roof (it wouldn’t fit through the trunk of me smol hatchback). I thought it was funny that it kinda looked like a kip-pah and asked my friend to take a pic for me here (see my lil peace sign next to my face? im v happy of my jew car). Little did I know that after driving to my new apartment with the whole moving team from IKEA unloading shit from the truck, I would be stuck in the fucking car. I didn't have a knife or scissors to cut the strings and I didn't want to make my dumb assery to be noticed; so instead of asking for help... I climbed out the front window and almost fell flat on my ass. When I stood up and turned around, the whole moving team was just standing there looking at me. The assholes knew I was stuck and let me suffer.

Kris & Kai:

so these moments both happened in the same night. I went to a house warming party for my friend and I didn't know what to bring as a gift, so I just bought two big bags of Hawaiian bread. Now throughout the night, the more I drink, the more impulsive I get. 

I started putting the bread on people's shoulders, slowly piling them up until they noticed. Everyone was pretty wasted so there was no surprise when I had a stack of 4 1/2 buns (I ate half) on my friends shoulder. Anyways- fast forward into the night, I'm craving sweets, so I walk into my friends kitchen and find a jar of cookies. At the time I thought it was a brilliant idea to just put the Hawaiian bread in there so the kitchen looked full; a fair exchange, if you will. At least that's what I thought... I found pictures from the party and it turns out I just ended up putting in a half eaten bun sjzjsj

Fast forward into the morning of the next day, I’m hungover and I wake up wearing mismatching socks (one is mine, the other I have no idea). 

I needed to get home because I had work later that day, so I hop into my car and start driving home. The whole time there was this annoying beeping sound that I couldn’t figure out where it was coming from. I had such a bad headache that I pulled over to see what the fuck was wrong. I got out of my car, checked the wheels, checked the under the hood, then hopped back inside. I was so frustrated that I banged my head on the steering wheel and just rested my eyes for a sec. When I opened them to look straight ahead at my dashboard, the brake light was glowing bright red. I cried.

Chanyeol: 

One summer evening, I was hanging with my sister and her friends around a campfire. We were roasting marshmallows, drinking, having a good time etc. Eventually later into the night we started getting bored and one of my sister’s friends suggested playing hot potato with the coals from the fire. We’re all game like FUCK YEAH LETS DO THIS. Then we start tossing it around and realize that it’s way too fucking hot, so instead of tossing it’s just everyone spiking the coal to the next person. FYI, I have terrible hand eye coordination and I wasn’t wearing my glasses that night. Every single time the coal was spiked my way it would miss my hand and fly straight into my hair. The next day I woke up, looked in the mirror, skipped breakfast and headed straight to the salon. still looked cute or w/e so I ain’t mad

Kyungsoo: 

Ahhhh, this one is actually pretty personal and happened not too long ago! My mom finally left this dirt bag she’d been married to for the past 16 years. When I say dirt bag, I mean a manipulative, abusive piece of shit. My mom was so tired during her session with the mediator for when they were deciding who was getting what; she took 30-45 minutes to talk alone with them and he took 3 fucking hours putting on this sick sob story. The mediator was so done with him too that they just let him do whatever he wanted. That meant he had the “right” to pick and choose what belonged to him in our apartment. The fucker took EVERYTHING. He took the furniture, the bedroom sets, all the electronics, the spices- HE DOESN’T EVEN COOK. However, a week before then, I bought a huge bottle of vanilla. I needed it to make edible cookie dough, which I was doing everyday out of stress. The day before he finally moved out, I came home from work to see everything wrapped/packed up. I started to get worked up and went to the kitchen to make my cookie dough. When I opened the cabinet to get my vanilla and saw it completely empty, I lost it. I literally screamed and started tearing up all the boxes, finding more shit that belonged to me and stopped when I finally found my vanilla. I went back to the kitchen, happily made my cookie dough and kicked back on "his” couch with my dirty shoes on. Later that night, the asshole came home and screamed at me. I shut him up tho when I told him I’d suffocate him with a pillow in his sleep if he dared to touch me or any of my things ever again. He didn’t stay in the apartment that night lol

Baekhyun:

I think this one might be my favorite story. It all started when a package from my mom in the mail never showed up even though the UPS tracking said it had already arrived on my doorstep. I assumed in meant the package was stolen and got really bummed about it since it had some essential items in there. My roommates felt bad and decided to cheer me up by throwing a house party (woohoo! cue the alcohol!). It started at like 3pm and went on all the way until 4 am the next day. Somewhere within that time frame while it was still light outside, slightly tipsy, I found a ladder on the side of the house and had a strong urge to follow it up to the top; and who am I to deny every desire that comes across my pea sized brain. I was half-way up to the roof when one of my roommates spotted me (let’s call him Big Ned; there were two guys named Ned in our house so we just called them Big Ned and Little Ned; Big Ned is like 6′3″ and Little Ned is like 5′4″). Big Ned started yelling at me to get down and I told him I couldn’t because it was my destiny to reach the top. He decided that there was no use arguing with me and ended up following me to the roof (even though he’s afraid of heights; bless his BFG heart). He’s kinda hard to miss, so when he started making his way up to the roof with me, it grabbed a lot of attention. Some joined us. Meanwhile, I decided to walk around and look into my neighbors yards. I saw a mess of papers in one of the alleys between our houses and joked “lmao that’d be funny if that was my package”. We laughed for a bit then looked a little closer until we realized oh fuck that’s my package. My body moved on it’s own and just kinda scrambled across the roof trying to figure out the fastest and least painful way to get off the roof. Thank the stars for Big Ben holding me back by the collar of my shirt and preventing me from jumping down onto the neighbors fence. Little Ben ended up running over and jumping the fence to get it for me. We still don’t know how it got there.

Tao:

In middle school, I had to go on this field trip to some ranch out in the countryside of Texas. I remember we were all huddled into a barn with a big stage in the back. The teachers grabbed a mic and got on stage to talk about who knows what. Idk I wasn’t paying attention, talking to my friend, in my own world. When the mics go off, everyone starts chattering. At that moment in time, I was extremely preoccupied with my shoelaces when I got a tap on my shoulder from my homeroom teacher. I think she was mad at me for not listening and told me to head up to the stage along with a few other students making their way over. Being in front of others makes me nervous, but when the teachers put a bib around my neck before I got on stage, I was too confused to think of anything else. When another teacher started handing out baby bottles filled with Gatorade to each student on stage, I had to stop them to ask what was going on. And what do ya know, I’m in a baby bottle drinking contest. Before I had time to ask any more questions, they were already counting down to start. Now listen, I’m not the type of person to back down from a challenge so ofc you know I’m gonna suck the soul out of this bich. The reason I can say this confidently is because up until I was 11 years old, I always drank out of baby bottles when I got home from school. I just really liked the feeling?? For me, nothing beat chilling on the couch, watching Teen Titans and drinking fresh cold orange juice from a baby bottle on a hot summer day. Idk but I guess it came in handy since I finished a 24oz bottle under 35 seconds. The rest of the kids weren’t even close to half way through. There’s a picture of me at the back of my school year book holding up the baby bottle like a trophy.

Sehun:

Remember my sisters friends from the campfire? Well I spent a good long summer hanging with her friend group and ended up getting kinda close to this one of the guys (let’s call him Jake). I have a really broad range of music taste and I guess he digged that so we talked a lot about music together. By the end of the summer, Jake threw a party at his house and invited me over. Ngl I wanted some dick so ofc I’m gonna go all out and break out my hot leather Madonna outfit. I head out with my sis and the house is packed by the time we get there. The whole time we’re pretty much just hanging out, drinking and dancing the night away. Some time passed 1 am (I think), I’m sorta outside making out with Jake on the side of his house. It’s getting really hot and heavy. When we finally broke apart for air, he told me he though he was in love with me. I’m screaming internally, panicking and I don’t know what to do. I could tell from way before that he really liked me, but I didn’t think it was to that extent. It doesn’t help exactly that I don’t feel the same way for him. Don’t get me wrong! He was really hot and sweet, but I just couldn’t see myself with him. So what did I tell him? Nothing. My dumb ass was in such a panic that all I could think of was that I needed to run. I did. I ran back into the house, out the front porch, spotted his skateboard and took off. I didn’t really know where I was or where I was going but somehow I ended up at the train station and eventually found my way back home.

Xiumin:

On my 21st birthday, my roommates took me out to a really nice, 5 star restaurant in the city we lived. They're buying me all the drinks I want cause heck I'm finally legal! Now, I think y'all can see a pattern of what happens when I drink. So when Big Ned got a glass of scotch and I had just finished off my last sip of wine, I wanted some too. I asked him to share, using "it's my birthday" to get my way. Ever the gentleman, Big Ben pours half his glass into my wine glass and keeps his raised for a cheers. The whole group joins in and with a shout of Mozeltov, I slam the wine glass down on the table and toss it back. It wasn't until I finished the last drop and tried to set my glass back on the table that I realized I snapped the stem in half. No one spoke, except for Little Ned, softly, "did you... did that really just happen?" Yeah. Yeah it did. Thankfully the restaurant agreed to keep the broken glass off the bill as long as I left the restaurant immediately.

Chen:

On a Saturday night, I met up with a good friend of mine that I hadn’t seen in months. We bought some snacks and drinks then drove to a marina near my apartment (new place in California). The whole night we spent catching up and throwing rocks in the water. I was still a little tipsy when it was time to go home and my friend ended up driving me back. On the way back, I opened a bag and snacked on some pizza flavored goldfish. I was about a fourth of the way through the bag when I decided I didn’t like it anymore and started tossing them out the window. We pull up to a stop light and my friend is trying to make me stop by rolling up the window, but I stick my leg out before he could close it. Next he tries to compromise and said if I wasn’t going to eat the goldfish, I should just put the bag down and remove my leg from the window. My tipsy ass told him no, I was handing out free food. I turned to look at the car next to me, asked (yelled) if they wanted any goldfish and held out the bag to them. I guess the dude thought it was funny and was just like “yeah sure why not, lifes too short to not eat goldfish from a stranger at a stoplight” alksdjflskdj 

Lay:

When I was about 6 years old, I lived out in the suburbs of Fulshear, Texas. The community is really tiny and everyone knew each other. One time, I was playing hide and seek with my siblings, and decided to hide under my moms bed. While I was waiting for my brother to come find me, I fell asleep. A couple hours later I wake up and it’s dark out. The house is empty. I’m calling out to see if anyone is home, checking all the rooms. I thought maybe everyone decided to tag me “it” since I passed out. After a while of not finding anyone, the phone rings and I pick up. It’s my mom sounding out of breath calling to see if anyone found me and took me back to my house. Turns out I had actually been knocked out for 6 hours. Not being able to find me during hide and seek for 2 hrs, my siblings went to get my mom who also started looking for me. After another hour and no luck, she called our neighbors across the street to see if I went over to play with their kids. Ofc they said no and said they would call some other people in the neighborhood to find out if they'd seen me. A few hours later, the whole neighborhood was out looking for me. Meanwhile I'm at home chilling on the couch watching Teletubbies and eating goldfish (the original babey).

Luhan:

My dad took me and my siblings to the beach almost every summer in elementary school. We would always stay at this Holiday Inn right across the street from the sands. At night, we would go “hunting” for crabs with a flashlight and a fishnet. But on some nights when my dad was too tired to go out, my siblings and I would hang in the kids room at the hotel. We were fooling around and just being kids. Then we found a big case filled with tubes of paint. I was excited to do some finger painting but before I could reach for a tube, my brother stopped me to say he had an idea. He dared us lay down our sheets of paper and paint them by jumping on the tubes. Being the youngest of four, I thought this was a brilliant idea and immediately got to work. Set my paper down and lined up the colors I wanted to use. I jumped.... Only a spec of paint made it onto the paper... The rest beautifully decorated the off-white walls of the kids room. We all just froze because oh my stars we’re gonna be in so much trouble. Turning to each other, we made a very strong pinky promise to not tell a soul what happened. The next day when we returned to the kids room, the case was gone, faded splotches of green and purple remained on the walls, and a big paper taped above reading “NO PAINTING ALLOWED”.

Fun fact: my eldest sister used to write about my adventures for her creative essay homework’s in middle school.

[skin-slave]

Jfc kid, if you don't want to interact with me, stop. If you're trying to make friends by being a dick but also demanding attention, it's not a very adult way to go about making friends.

Oh we aren't enjoying your content. Don't worry about that. I'm literally only here to defend survivors' autonomy and flush ignorance where it belongs. Sorry you have bad taste in ppl, tho. She's amazingly talented, kind, and hilarious. ✌️ (Lub u bud)

Maladaptive daydreaming is difficult. I hope you're getting support for that. It's also not the same thing as writing fic, as it's an internal process, disrupts life, and is distressing.

Writing fic (speaking for myself) is significantly external. There's a lot of interaction that happens before and during writing. It's almost a team effort, as I'm able to reach out and say, "uhm, do you sometimes feel like this?" And they say, "omg I've been waiting to talk about that, I thought I was the only one!" After posting, I get feedback from my buds, leading into more interaction. It's not a thing that happens in my head. It's a thing I do, mentally, emotionally and physically, with my loved ones at my side.

It doesn't disrupt my life, and it's not distressing. Sure, I get absorbed sometimes, but it's not an obstacle. Fic has enriched my life. It acts as catharsis and brings me joy. It has helped me to become more assertive and expressive, to ditch so much undeserved shame, and to grow as a person. It's not a problem. It's an asset.

Here's the thing... You aren't in charge of coping mechanisms. You don't get to hand them out and take them away. It could not matter less what you think the "best" options are. They aren't yours to choose. And coping mechanisms are not healthy vs unhealthy. They're a spectrum. Is cutting objectively good? No. Is it better than suicide? Yes. Would a therapist steal a client's tools and forbid them from cutting? Sure, if they want to destroy whatever trust they have and ensure that the cutting continues in secret. Even if a coping mechanism is objectively destructive (writing isn't), even if there's a therapy relationship (there isn't), it's still counterproductive, cruel and insulting to take that away.

I get that that can be frustrating that we are all individuals with individual - sometimes conflicting - needs. I have a bud who works out for catharsis. Is it healthy in her case? I have no way of knowing, and it's none of my business. What I do know is that workouts for catharsis become self-harm for me. I can't do it safely. And I can't see the "no pain no gain" stuff. It's not healthy for me. Ngl, I have a knee-jerk that it will become self-harm for her. That's a narrow perspective, but humans have those sometimes. I'd love to tell her to stop doing it, just in case, but it's so incredibly not my place. The discomfort I feel is mine to handle. So we don't discuss it and I block gym tags so I don't accidentally see what I know I can't see. Works a lot better than trying to dominate her and take away her coping mechanism just bc I can't use it myself.

I hate the word "innocent" when it comes to kids. It implies that kids don't have any adult shit going on in their lives, and that's wrong. One of my nieces has been telling blood-and-guts horror stories since she could talk (much to her parents' dismay, bc they control the kids' media and didn't expect her to know about that stuff). My nephew is already having romantic feelings in grade school. Most ppl lose their virginity as teens. Kids aren't full of cartoons and clouds. They're complicated and smart and end up ass-deep in adult thoughts and feelings long before their parents want them to. That's normal. What you're trying to say is that they're uneducated. Which is true. But being uneducated isn't purity or goodness, and it's a thing that changes over time.

As a kid, believe me, I got into shit I wasn't ready to see, and stuff that ppl from different demographics might not have. Some of it by accident. Some of it bc I was seeking it out, bc kids get into shit they shouldn't on purpose, and it's important for their development. Some of it was just normal life stuff that I wasn't ready for. My schoolmates, who were statistically unlikely to all have been abused as well, also saw shit that didn't sit well. We talked about it with each other and worked it out. And when I was really distressed, I went to my mom, a teacher or a counselor.

Funny thing is, none of it was fic or art. Didn't have home internet until high school and didn't get into fic until college. We just did normal things like accidentally witnessing ppl we knew having sex, finding porn, looking at dark literature before we were ready, sneaking into adult movies, seeing dead bodies, fooling around with each other, helping out with animal husbandry/butchering, etc.

Not having fic looming over us like a boogeyman didn't keep us from needing to talk to someone about the stuff we experienced. Bc having experiences that are gross/weird/scary/upsetting is a thing that happens to kids. It always has and always will. Your options are to roll them in bubble wrap and keep them in a dark basement until they get married... or teach them how to do the best that they can, including how to get help.

(Not to be "that lady," but if my non-traumatized siblings could spend their 1st grade summer breaks holding entrails and listening to my parents bang and come out ok and raise my beautiful, well-adjusted nieces and nephews... And if I can make it to my ripe old age, having lived the same life with added, repeated trauma and illness... Where are you guys getting these new model kids who are just ruined forever from seeing a torture fic? I'm worried about your kids' fundamental resilience. I'm not being sarcastic. If parenting and community aren't instilling resilience, these kids are being set up for failure. That's cruel.)

That is a very good point, and I support anyone who tailors their fic to have simple, obvious moral delineation and easily digestible stories for kids. It's my opinion that kids who are old enough to navigate the internet with reasonable supervision should at least be in the process of graduating to work that requires critical thought, bc it's a skill that they will need a firm grasp on when they hit adulthood. But there's nothing wrong with a simplified story, esp if you're talking about little kids.

I don't write for kids. My audience is my friends, family, and any other adult who wants to read it. My fic is behind an age/consent check. It's properly tagged, bc it's not consent unless it's informed consent. I add summaries, to give the tone and add in context if I think it's needed. That's my responsibility, and I take it seriously.

By the time you get to my fic, you've been told multiple times what it is and you have given your consent, as an adult, to see it. That's where my part ends. Can someone lie and click on it without checking the tags? Sure they can. But that's not a thing I can be aware of, verify or prevent. I've done far more than any commercial artist is required to do, and I have done it to the very best of my ability. The responsible adult at that point is the reader or the reader's guardian.

Putting this one out of order bc I want to address it next. And again, no. It's my job to not perpetuate it. Not perpetuating it ≠ stopping it. It's not my responsibility to go from house to house, parenting everyone else's kids, interviewing adults and searching their computers and policing their activity. Even if, for some loony reason, I wanted to, I don't have the right. And even if I wanted to, and had the right, it wouldn't stop anything.

And no, it wouldn't have made me safe. The only thing that could've made me safe is if my abusers chose not to abuse me. Their choice had nothing to do with fiction, or the availability of porn, or mental illness, or the makers of the gifts I was groomed with (candy, toys, money, kid-friendly activities), or the other ppl in my life who didn't see what was happening. Every speck of responsibility for my trauma falls on my abusers. They wanted to harm me, and they chose to do it. That's it.

It wouldn't have made me feel safe. I never felt safe. I have very few memories before the effects of my first abuse became noticable, and no memories before that abuse started. I didn't have a "before" when things were safe. As I get older, I've come to realize that the ppl I grew up with also understood the world to be dangerous from a young age, just not in the visceral way I did. Bc we were all taught that the world is dangerous. Bc it is, and it's horrible to withhold the truth from a person who needs to know. Having the world stripped of fanfic would not have mattered bc I knew that there was "bad" stuff out there. What difference would it make what the "bad" stuff was?

More applicably, it wouldn't make me feel more secure regarding my nieces' internet usage. That attitude is bizarre to me. I don't want them to never see "bad" stuff until they turn 18. I want them to know what to do when they see "bad" stuff, who they can go to for help, what red flags are, the difference between fiction and reality, how to think critically, how to make their own choices, and how to understand the consequences. I do not want them to be dumped into adulthood, where they would suddenly see all the "bad" things, without giving them what they need to handle that.

Why is there such an obsession with creating a sterile world where kids don't grow up??? Growing up is a good thing! It's the point of being a kid! And it's not having X number of birthdays. It's learning and honing skills, collecting experiences, developing a sense of self/family/community. Raising a child is giving them those tools.

Why is that not the goal? Why is it "close the candy factories" and not "teach the kids to recognize grooming"? Only one of those has a snowball's chance of helping, and you know which one it is. Predators will find ways to prey on kids. We help them by teaching them what that looks like and what to do if it happens. (And by supporting ppl so that they don't become abusers, but that's another conversation)

I didn't say you were a fake fan. I said you were expressing a hypocritical view. And you are. (I also didn't say "exploitative." I said "explorative.") Slipknot's art is awesome. It's amazing, particularly from a trauma standpoint. It is what he needs it to be, and it speaks to the ppl who also need it. It's also problematic af.

"This guy can do all the stuff I just said is mega bad, but not you, bc I said so," is a hypocritical take. Either dark trauma art is ok, or it's not. Either it can be shared, or it can't. Either it's self-harm to partake in any trauma art, or it isn't. Either some random stranger has the right to take art away from survivors, or they don't.

It's not different bc he's a vocal survivor. We cannot require receipts of any kind to "verify" that artists have the right to art. Firstly, bc it's not a right that can be withheld. Secondly, bc it forces ppl to be out about their histories, medical information, personal lives, etc. That's unsafe and we never force survivors to put themselves in danger. Thirdly, bc it doesn't work. When survivors do bare their souls, they just get called anything from liars to predators. And that makes them fair game for even more abuse. So that argument is dead.

It's also not different bc his art has a wider audience. That audience comes from marketability and a desire to be marketed. That has nothing to do with the value of the art.

It's also not different bc commercial artists are doing something special to protect ppl who can't safely consume their media. Bc they don't. At all. It's just out there, randomly popping up whenever, irrespective of who's listening and whether or not they would consent to hearing it. Zero protection.

Darkfic writers who archive on AO3 go above and beyond the standard that commercial artists like Slipknot are held to. They do the same thing, for the same reasons (catharsis and expression, not fame and money). Their art helps the ppl who need it, just like every other piece of art on the planet. The idea that they should be treated like shit while Corey gets a Funko Pop is an amazing double standard that I hope you take a minute to examine.

people will say “how will i cope with my trauma without using ao3 to show me that i’m less alone???” and like i’m gonna be gut punchingly honest. you are not alone, and there are ways to understand that without seeking out people who glorify and romanticize your trauma. if you are a survivor, giving kudos to “proshipping” pedophiles is not going to heal you. it’s going to embolden and enable them to traumatize more people. coping is about harm reduction, not re-exposing yourself to harm and allowing others to be harmed.

there are ways to cope. you deserve to heal. i am taking your hands and looking into your eyes, survivor to survivor, telling you that there are constructive ways to help yourself. there are resources for you. there is a community for you. there are ways you can cope with this besides reading porn on a website that acts as a free for all for the types of people who once hurt you.

you can call the confidential RAINN hotline at 800.656.HOPE (4673)

if you’re in the US, you can find support near you through the national sexual violence resource center.

you can look for a therapist near you or find a professional to speak to digitally

you can look into dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT) resources in real life or online

you can seek out survivor forums and support groups

there are ways to cope with this. but retraumatizing yourself and potentially exposing others to traumatizing content is not one of them.

[bubonickitten]

So what do you think are anders best traits (other than him worrying about mage rights and him being a compassive healer?) I really love him and I love the way you write about him so I'm just curious.

There’s a lot I love about him :0

I mean, on a personal level, he’s a really relatable character for me, so that’s part of why I like him so much.

But I also like him as a character in general. (I’ll put this post under a cut bc it got long.) 

Him being a compassionate healer and being incredibly passionate about mage rights are huge parts of his character and they’re honestly two of the biggest things that make me like him so much. 

Like, here’s a person who was subject to systemic abuse for most of his life, who knows full well the repercussions of rebelling against the status quo, but does it anyway, because his convictions are just that strong. He knows that the Circle and the Chantry are fundamentally wrong. He’s experienced and witnessed firsthand what happens to people who fight back. Hell, when we meet him Awakening, he’s only just recently been released from a year of solitary confinement for running away - he just got out and as soon as he was able to, he ran again. If he gets caught and sent back to the Circle again, he’s going back into solitary confinement at the very least, and by the time he’s in Kirkwall, he’s also possessed by a spirit, so he’s risking just being killed outright. He’s risking everything by fighting back so openly and actively, but he does it anyway. 

And it’s not just Justice’s presence that makes him so willing to fight. Even when he was running, he was fighting back, because by constantly running away, he was refusing to submit. But in Awakening, Anders did feel like he couldn’t have any impact on the status quo - he believed that things would change eventually, he believed that the way mages are treated is inherently and fundamentally wrong and one day things would be different, but he didn’t think he’d ever see it in his lifetime, and he didn’t believe he of all people could do anything to enact change. Justice helped him realize that he could be an agent of change, but that fire and that strong sense of right and wrong were already there - it just needed to be validated and encouraged, which Justice did for him. 

And I do like that Anders needed support to be able to get to that point, bc I feel like that’s... realistic, y’know? I don’t like the idea that everyone should have to fend for themselves and not have to rely on others to stand up and fight. He couldn’t do it alone, and there’s nothing wrong with that. He hasn’t gotten much support from others throughout his life, so I like that in this instance, he had someone to lean on. (And I still wish there were more opportunities to support him more actively in DA2.)  

Like, it was difficult for Anders to admit to those feelings of powerlessness - which is entirely understandable, because in his experience, showing that kind of vulnerability could get him killed or worse (if the templars considered a mage to be weak-willed, they might not even give them a chance at the Harrowing and just make them Tranquil outright - and Anders is canonically mentally ill, which I imagine added an extra burden in terms of hiding his vulnerability). So, outwardly, he talked a big talk about only being concerned with his own freedom and pretends to be more apathetic and careless than he actually is. 

This also shows a lot in terms of his sense of humor - it’s a lot of morbid sarcasm, irreverent joking, gallows humor even - because he uses it as a shield and a coping mechanism. Ngl, I love that aspect of him, it’s one of the things that started endearing him to me in Awakening first. I play my Hawke as having a similar sense of irreverent, snarky humor, so they play well off of one another. Humor as a coping mechanism is a character trait I tend to appreciate and relate to a lot, haha. 

Anyway, I think in actuality he cares so much it hurts. It might not seem like it when we first meet him in Awakening, but I think it’s just that it’s easier and psychologically safer for him to pretend he doesn’t care than it is to admit that he does care but feels powerless to change things. It takes a lot of strength (and also support from others, which again, is something that Anders hasn’t had much of throughout most of his life) to be able to confront your own vulnerability and try to channel it into something that benefits others. 

But even in Awakening, his actions often contradicted the “I don’t care about anyone but myself” talk - if you tell him to run away in the beginning of the game, he’ll do so, but he shows back up like five minutes later because he felt like he couldn’t leave the Warden to fight the darkspawn alone (he jokes about being “bad at the whole ‘fugitive from justice’ thing”, which... turns out to be way more accurate than he may even realize in that moment). In the endgame, he’s not eager to go along with the Warden to Amaranthine, but if you do bring him, he’s one of the companions who will argue against leaving Amaranthine to burn - his instincts might tell him to run, but he cares too much about the survivors in Amaranthine to leave them to their fate. 

Not to mention, canonically, spirit healers are kinda rare. They derive a lot of their power from spirits of compassion, which means earning spirits’ trust and cooperation. A person who isn’t compassionate probably wouldn’t be able to earn that cooperation of a spirit of compassion in the first place. Not to mention his interest in being a healer in general - it’s a big part of his identity, to the point where in DA2, one of the things he worries most about is not being able to heal anymore because he’s so afraid that he or Justice will accidentally hurt one of his patients.

I think a lot of his attachment to the healer role is also tied up in his own internalized belief that he has to be a Good Mage in order to deserve freedom - it seems contradictory, it’s something that goes against his stated principles, mages shouldn’t have to prove themselves and be ‘good’ mages according to the Chantry’s fucked up doctrine to deserve freedom and life and love, but he lived in the Circle for at least half his life and he definitely internalized a lot of the hateful messages they taught about mages. Fighting against those teachings is a constant battle for him - which also ties into his occasional crises of faith, because he’s an Andrastian and all the spiritual authorities in his life have taught him that he’s a non-person, that he’s inherently sinful and cursed and deserving of subjugation because he’s a mage. 

So, he has a lot of moments of self-doubt. He has a lifetime of trauma and abuse that affect his present well-being. He has a lot of self-loathing and a lot of fear of himself (the latter esp after merging with Justice). He doesn’t see himself as worthy of love or care, even if he talks passionately about how mages deserve those things - he often doesn’t give himself the same consideration that he’s willing to give others. He has an incredibly complicated relationship with his own anger - because his anger is totally and completely justifiable, but it scares him, because he associates rage and anger with demons and loss of control. (I think a big source of the conflict btwn he and Justice is how they differ re: embracing and accepting anger. For Justice, that anger is righteous fury, it’s justified, it’s a source of passion and change. For Anders, it’s a source of fear and insecurity a lot of the time. I think a lot of their miscommunication is rooted in that fear.)

But Anders works himself half to death trying to help as many people as he can for as long as he can, and even though he’s barely making a dent in all the suffering he sees in the world, even though he’s risking everything, he just keeps going, because that’s how strongly he believes and that’s how much he cares. Every mage he helps escape the Gallows, every patient he helps in his clinic is worth it to him. That kind of perseverance in the face of hopelessness and doubt and a world set against you is really admirable to me.

And I also like how clear it is that it doesn’t come easy to him. It’s not just some inspiration porn “you can do anything you set your mind to if you just try :)” thing. He stumbles a lot. He fails a lot. He spends most of DA2 in a constant state of anxiety and desperation (esp since he really doesn’t get much support from the people closest to him, except like… Justice and Hawke, if you play Hawke in a supportive role). He’s idealistic, but he can’t help but dip into periods of hopelessness and depression and doubt - partly because he has a mood disorder, partly because that’s just… expected for someone who’s seen as much shit as he has. His life is messy and he’s tired and it shows. But even when he’s running, he’s fighting. Sometimes, survival is in itself a form of rebellion and he’s a walking example of that. He is stubborn and although sometimes it’s a negative, it also has its perks. And that passion doesn’t just manifest as rage - it’s also love, because lbh, he is a hopeless romantic (in a dorky, endearing way at times) and in his romance route he loves Hawke fiercely.  

It’s a shame that he didn’t get more positive character development in DA2 (it’s no secret how resentful I am toward the writers, he and Justice really deserved better). I headcanon him over time learning how to communicate and coexist with Justice; learning to practice self-care and be kinder to himself; more fully accepting that he has a right to be angry and he doesn’t have to prove that he’s deserving of personhood or love.

And he has a fair amount of flaws for sure - he has a tendency to project his insecurities onto others (e.g. Merrill), he’s not a good ally to other marginalized groups (e.g. elves), he sometimes lashes out at others when they don’t deserve it (which, although I understand why he behaves that way, it still isn’t fair to others who are on the receiving end), he was manipulative in the ‘Justice’ quest (I understand his motivations but despite his intentions it wasn’t acceptable behavior) - but I think he has an ability to better himself in those areas and I like to headcanon that personal growth for him. (That’s not to say I want him to be a flawless character - nobody’s perfect, and a flawless character would be pretty flat and unrealistic, but I also like when characters are allowed to have personal growth in a positive direction.)

I guess, in all, he’s an interesting, likable, and relatable character for me - I wish the writers treated him better, I have a lot of criticisms wrt how he (and Justice) were written (including how Anders was treated as a bipolar character), and I’m also willing to criticize him where it’s deserved (I have a whole tag full of meta w/ my criticisms of him) - but overall he’s one of my faves.

 Tbh the reason why DA2 is my fave game in the series (despite all of my criticisms of the writing in it, esp Act 3) is the characters. Hawke is my favorite protag and DA2 has probably my favorite companion group - like, Anders, Merrill, Fenris, Isabela, and Varric are some of my fave characters in the whole series - so the characters are ultimately what make me like that game.