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kmashblue42-blog · 5 years

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Adderall ruined my relationship!! The letter I wrote to the love of my life I was losing.

Our love deteriorated after OUR introduction to Adderall

I want you to know as I’m writing this, I am experiencing emotional waves of helplessness and sorrow. My chest is so tight from trying to hold back tears because my eyes are on fire from another episode of WHATEVER is going on with my body. My eyes are feeling puffy my face is tingling as if someone is pulling my ponytail back and stretching my face beyond its elasticity.. I am literally experiencing SEVERE CONSTANT deep afibs (NOT PALPITATIONS) and I am feeling more lost within myself that I’m scared to go to the emergency room AGAIN because the EKG isn’t picking it up the 1 and a half minutes they are recording it.... I feel forced to sit here outside and talk myself down into not thinking about that I just discovered what I am experiencing is a combination of loosing the man who once ADORED me the way I adored him before our recreational use of Adderall and the fact that i am trapped in a mind that can rationally identify what is happening with my body and the severity of every symptom as well as the correlations of this untreated neglected state with the TOXIC combination of adderall induced depression and anxiety.

I am not able to speak to the one person on this Earth who was interested enough in me and actually believed me when I say I AM SERIOUSLY CONCERNED FOR MYSELF.

I have two girls that need me to survive this and to find ANY hope right now I am not even capable of releasing this dark hopelessness that I have NEVER felt before under any extreme traumatic experience I’ve been though!

I feel trapped in a hypnosis that I feel has defeated me mentally. I am loosing myself at such a rate that I am now depended on the SOLE existence of simple acknowledgement from the one person I could courageously admit to. But you are currently sleeping in a hotel and after my desperate attempt to break through the wall you were talking through on the phone....... you denied me and we hung up.

I am scared to go inside until I collect my self and be able to lay quietly without sobbing next to my girls who have expressed sorrow for me and i can’t bring it to myself to deny them of my love nor show them my sadness.

I am STUCK and I blame Adderall and I can’t unsee what I now see. I have been cursed with an interest in psychology and have retained enough information over years of researching and personal experiences that I CAN NOT unlearn the very thing that is eating me alive. I KNOW what is going on with my body even after a bunch of hit or miss brainstorming and exhausting hours of research in a field I’m NOT familiar with. I KNOW what Adderall has done to us and even if we never touched it again neither one of us can purify what we have already contaminated our love with. We can’t unsee the beast in the beauty because even though we created a chemistry so strong that my love and commitment to you made me wage war within my sole to UNDERSTAND our darknesses laid dormant but our love masked its face... we have now seen that face in each other and it feels irreversible.

It has become the lenses that once was impenetrable and now... after that exposure...it is devastating to feel the confirmation that there is NO spiritual cry of desperation that you can hear of mine anymore.

👁That disconnection from me and your denial itself....has robbed ME from being able to convince MYSELF that even in my darkest moments THERE IS NO ESCAPE from the inevitable.

This is dark and deep I know, but every word my mind has dispatched to my fingers is the strongest and purest form of communication I can give you. I am not suicidal, I am not demented, I am not simply overwhelmed with thoughts I that I can but refuse to cut off.... I am genuinely lost. I’m lost with my body and it’s alerts, my mind and it’s clarity even in the darkest moments, my maternal instinct prison demanding compliance, my what once was an indestructible light and now I miss the feeling of knowing at our worst moments I have your understanding that we carry the same darkness but it did not over power the determination of our love.

I took a moment to sob and my face doesn’t feel like I’m having a fucking allergic reaction again... that itself... what is happening on top of all this other fucking odd undesirable shit is still a mystery. I just don’t care anymore to try and find out. I just trust that if I start to not be able to breath again my mind shuts down and my body takes over to calm itself. I feel a little better now.

To continue where I left off before my break. I miss you! (here comes the fucking tears now.. less restricting and a bit warmer) Just Bare with me through this, I’m literally telling myself I’m talking to you and it’s helping me some..

I miss your twinkle in your eyes. I miss the deepness behind them, the space no one but I can look into... past the beauty that traps a gaze and doesn’t allow entrance. The smile in your wrinkles on those eyes that show their years of denial you have put them through. You can’t deny them anymore and they speak to me. Your finger tips that can penetrate 30 years of skin that has touched a lifetime of earth and yet surfs on every nerve tickling each one with a constant reminder that they are not hidden from your love. I miss the feeling of knowing you are being dishonest and your eyes are scanning for hope I won’t see behind them and me leaning in begging for the moment I can see you courage to finally submit to honesty.. that moment I get that I can exhale with confidence that you are still mine and you have accepted that I love you unconditionally and can understand you only when you are at your purest form. Then and only then am I released from the undeniable compliance to dance with your darkness. You open up to me and I forgive you instantaneously.

I miss the colors of the tones only you have a key to unlocking. I miss them so bad, they are tones that my inner child has been deprived from my entire life and can only be seen through your happiness. I miss the focus you give me when I say your name, the fixation on the tone of seduction or fear. The same fixation you have shown me through intimacy. The confidence you infect me with and so effortlessly. I miss you missing me in these ways I miss you. I know that with any of our previous trials, regardless of manner, origin or intensity that our love could not be penetrated until we allowed Adderall into our lives. I’m not talking about the chemical formulated into an latter form of a tablet. I’m talking about the control of our limitations. The slow consumption of our subconscious that kept us from allowing our darkness to take light for the other to see. The parasite that attached itself and once allowed, without boundary now....Able to come and go as needed tearing each other apart with our tongues and disgust. Speaking to each other in such manner that seemed natural in that come down state after excessive use of what we thought was enlightening us.... the come down of Adderall. I miss the moment I cried to you in the bathroom when I looked into your black dilated eyes searching for my safe haven and couldn’t get access too, being forced to expand my vision to see the shrinkage in my beautiful mans facial structure... the moment I became scared of a darkness I have seen in my past that constantly preyed on my defeat. That moment I cried and called into you and you cried out back to me. The moment I found courage to not run and demand your innocence back to protect me... I wish I would have said more and I wish I would have declared more so we would have never touched it again. That was the moment I knew regardless of the deepest darkest appearance of something that has taken so much from me... and stunned my core like a cold coma ...had no control over the love my man had for me!

I forced myself to find courage to be so vulnerable to you that I could allow you to transform me into the soulmate you were destined to create with me. And I fought so hard to try and demanded you to acknowledge that you loved me more than the darkness I was seeing and experiencing throughout the past 6 months that I forgot I wasn’t speaking to you with the same tongue. That in fact, I was speaking the same language you were speaking through Adderall. Our highs and lows, our filth to each other, our resistance that became the shield over our clarity. I was infected with the same dark parasite that I was trying to convince you you had. And in turn, opened up the one thing I could never take back..... my innocence to you. YOUR kryptonite. So you see.. EVERYTHING around us reminds me of the beauty we have created so magically..and created such a comfort with your presence that HOME is felt and not just said for me and my girls.... now reminds me of what we have destroyed TOGETHER.

I miss you so much it’s tearing me apart internally and I feel like I am now succumbing to the reality that I have no control of nothing in my body or my mind because I lost the control to defend our love even against my own defeater. I have to live every moment with the understanding that I can not escape to your comfort anymore from the fear of life even with my weakest cries.

I love you like I love the craving to touch the dewy clover patch from the morning sunrise.

Like the taste of the letters from long anticipated book creased open for the first time.

I love you like I love the rivers in my hands that I have stared at every day of my life with pride. Watching them grow deeper. The bends and breaks from every movement that now has purpose, reason for forming through years of wear meant to protect the nerves that only you were meant to activate.

I loved you more than I have loved myself and by doing so has made me aware, that by not only loosing you I have now lost myself. Because the idea now of happiness and all the beauty that I require to create that happiness is only accessible through the love I saw I gave you.

I love how you take movement and time away when you look back at me from a distance, just long enough to tickle my adolescence. Creating an internal countdown defaulting as the hand never moves..until I can see you again.

I love the way your face changes it’s structure to caress mine so softly that my jaw is forced to relax to feel its warmth. Feeling your touch demanding it’s presence in the most delicate form without negotiation. You have always controlled my body line a puppet.

I miss the you I thought I was protecting by demanding you to endure cleansing that I thought would force you to recognize failure towards me but actually I was creating self preservation by pushing you to the point of jumping that I had not first secured with comfort. You slipped away Further each time I demanded closeness through admission of guilt.

I miss you and I’m sorry for the deepness but I do feel like now I can breathe a little bit better and can go to bed with the girls now. I’m scared and I’m lonely.... I’m companied with everything we have created and everything I crave and I felt compelled to tell you how I felt even in the most novel way in hopes for you to understand the wickedness I see has been shown. And I am sorry for allowing you to see the part of me that was never meant to be seen and I’m sorry that has also allowed me to bring out that part of you as well. I do not omit what has been said and done to me from you but I am forced to acknowledge even the deepest regrets that I have......... that I allowed myself to provoke that darkness within you and that is my failure as well.

I’m taking a smoke intermission before closing.

I’m going my ass to bed. I’ve had enough of everything and to be honest I wish I could wake up and you be here outside waiting on me with coffee like the old times forcing me to smile so big my dry lips chap from just waking up.

The reality is I’m just STUCK. You know... now that I write it all down.. I guess it must be a lot like how MawMaw Sue got stuck, in the last memories that mattered the most, that could never be recovered after her love and her life and everything she gave herself to had been tainted by darkness. I don’t want to end up like that. Where you’r stuck in a loop of reality of stolen identity. Stolen by something not of your Pureness.

Like Adderall... and our relationship after it.

#adderall #adderallruinedmyrelationship #whattheydonttellyou #thedevilspill #lovedrugged #drugs #neverwilliever #regretfulspeeding #relationship #lost

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