#nevertheless I am having a very visceral reaction to his presence

[tangledinredstring]

My reaction to FHJY episode 13

Ah cool, lore and info dumping. I love it, give it to me, I NEED to know more about everything. And all the dads, a whole pantheon of Dad-hood going on here, excellent work, fabulous art, 10/10 no notes.

*final 30 seconds of the episode* Oh wait, ooh no, oh nooOOOoo, oh, I don't like this guy, his voice is doing unpleasant things to my brain, it's as if a sound could feel slimy.

*stinger* NOOOOOOOOO!

My only hope for Bobby Dawn is that he is still around when Aguefort comes back from the Time Quangle, so we can see what insane thing is done as punishment for existing.

[aminiatureworld]

Musings of Thanatos

Characters: Zhongli, gn!reader

Word Count: 1,640

Warnings: Suicidal ideation, in depth conversation surrounding death

Premise: In which the reader doesn’t want to grow old.

Author’s Note: I’m going to reiterate that this is a fic talking about death and a character that, regardless of capacity, actively wishes to die young. I hope that for some people this fic can bring catharsis but if you aren’t sure that you can handle this then please don’t read it. I know that it can be like “lol I can read it” when the back half of your brain is screaming at you not to. This time you should listen to that part of your brain. I am not going to pretend that this doesn’t have the potential to be incredibly triggering. Not only if you experience suicidal ideation but if you’re afraid of death. I think it might cause a very visceral reaction.

And if you feel similarly to the reader then let me tell you, I understand. I can understand the future being completely terrifying, I can understand not wanting to stick around. But though I understand I still urge you to give the future a chance. Happiness might only come in glimpses now, but I promise it will come again in the future. There are moments in life that are euphoric, and everything except death can be changed.

That being said, I hope whoever’s reading this can find something out of this fic. Please enjoy

Zhongli

“Zhongli, do you ever wish you were mortal?”

The day was a lazy one in Liyue, the calm after the storm. Glaze lilies waved gently in the breeze. Soon they would show their petals, gently gracing the evening with their presence before once again closing their buds to the sun. Then again, these were only the glaze lilies that had managed to survive. The others has disappeared slowly, becoming more and more rare. You had only seen one real glaze lily once. It was gone after a day.

“I suppose I’ve never thought of it my love. I cannot really imagine a mortal life. I suppose it would have some advantages. Yet I think everything has their place in the world. I would make a poor mortal as I am now.”

“If you say so.”

“Why do you ask?”

He was beautiful, your lover. Even now, having seen the rise and fall of kingdoms, not a strand of hair on his head was shot through with grey. Of course time had wrought change on him; even from standing far away there was an aura about him that was somewhat untouchable. If fate had deemed to keep him statuesque, then surely it had also put the distant darkness into his eyes, had molded his features into a mask through which one could see a deity tired of seeing so much life. Nevertheless you had to envy him. For surely he wielded a stronger hand than you had been dealt.

“I don’t know. I just, it’s been on my mind.”

“What has been on your mind?”

“What it means to grow up. I mean, you’ve never experienced it. Not really, not the way we do. Growing up, it’s terrifying. You look at all the people walking down the street, the old people I mean. They’re all… wrinkly!”

You had to laugh, a bitter, sharp sort of sound. Indeed how they did look strange. Bones and muscles twisted like branches of a tree, knobs visible in the guise of liver spots and still joints. Their faces, how terrifying their faces were. You always found it odd when someone called an old person beautiful. You weren’t sure you had ever seen one who fit the definition. Rather, it was like looking upon an utterly different sort of people, a transformation that you knew one day you would have to undergo. When you emerged, it would be like a butterfly shifting back into a caterpillar. There would be no going back.

“Perhaps they are, but it is a sign of old age. Of wisdom. Humans who grow old, they are survivors.”

There was a hint of displeasure in Zhongli’s voice. Not that you could blame him. It was quite heretical to insult the old, surely even more so to one who would never experience such a thing. Then again, perhaps that was why he could act that way. He would never know.

“Maybe; but all the wisdom in the world couldn’t prepare me for growing old. I mean, who wants to be around an old person? Who wants to be an old person? You can’t do anything for yourself anymore, you’re basically a baby again. Except this time there’s nothing to look forward to.”

“My love, surely there are many things to look forward to in old age. The knowledge that one has gained, the ability to look back on the past. Those who you have grown to love will gather around you. Above all, when one has grown old one finally has been granted the privilege to rest, to think, to do what one wishes.”

“Is that why you gave up your gnosis?”

The wind rustled your hair slightly as you gazed at your partner. There was no reply to your question, but then again you weren’t expecting one. There were just some things too painful to speak of, some things that you couldn’t understand. Just as there were things your partner couldn’t understand, the things you were trying to explain to him now.

“Anyways, I’m not sure if any of those things are worth growing old for. Worth becoming immobile and forgetful and ill for. Honestly, I’m not sure if I ever would like to grow old.”

“Well you will one day, my love. Such is the nature of time.”

“Well I wish time would stop, or better yet that something would come and put me out of commission before then.”

Silence again. You had made an error, or perhaps you were simply seeing the natural reaction to your declaration. You loved Zhongli’s eyes, the way they glowed and shifted and reflected the light. They were almost dragon-like, not that you had ever seen a dragon before. Now, however, they seemed muddied, bogged down. It was as if you’d thrown muddy water on them, and now you were seeing the natural consequence.

“Do not speak that way.”

“Why not? It’s what I think.”

“Then I hope that you soon change your mind. Even if you cannot see the merit in growing older now, to react so… violently. It is alarming.”

“How would you know? It’s not like you’ll ever experience this, this fear. You’ll never wake up in the middle of the night, heart racing. You’ll never have to hear your mind scream in fear of ageing. You’ll never have to think about the years stretching in front of you, each a painful sentence of pain. You’ll never have to think about losing your mind to age.”

A pause. There was a frown slashed across your lover’s face. It looked entirely out of place.

“What would you want then, my love, if you could have it?”

“I would like to be young forever, like you.”

“Would you really? Would you want to see person after person die, while you can only watch? Would you like to exist isolated from those you love? My darling, even love is dangerous when you are destined to eternity. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of, of when the inevitable will happen. When I will once more wait for the end of eternity.”

“If I were like you, then you wouldn’t have to think of that.”

“If you were like me then you simply wouldn’t be as you are. Why is it that mortals are so much more prone to action, so much more emotional and bright and determined? It is their very mortality. Death is what creates authors and artists and the great heroes upon which we rely. A life without them, it would be a very drab world indeed.”

“So you want others to suffer for your own good?”

“Do you think that the way out is to ask for death my love? Truly? The death of a human is the death of a universe. Would you throw that universe away to be remember as young, whatever that may mean? Would you give up the ability to see, to feel, to think, to exist? My darling, if you truly think it is worth it then let me convince you otherwise.”

It was warm, the world. The world was burning up and you were stuck, staring into the eyes of the person you most loved.

“I don’t know.”

“Then don’t say these things, even in jest. I, I cannot understand it. It frightens me a great deal.”

“Why? I’m just, I don’t know. It shouldn’t bug you that much, I mean, I’m not about to go jumping into the sea or anything.”

“Today perhaps, and tomorrow too? If you truly were only saying these things in jest, would you be so firm in your questions and in your arguments?”

Too many questions, he was asking too many questions. They made your head swirl and throb as you tried to wrap your brain around them.

“I don’t know. I just, it, it scares me.”

“More than death? More than the annihilation of your senses and your thoughts? I realize that you are experiencing a fear that I myself will never carry. My burden and yours are opposites, they will never intersect, except perhaps to think about what the other will do when time eventually shows itself. Yet, my love, I cannot help but feel that, when that comes to pass, it will be better to have experienced age, to have experienced every phase of life, every moment that you possible can, than to be stuck in someone’s memory. We glorify the young dead, we do not remember them.”

It felt odd to crumple to his arguments, perhaps it was only momentary. He hadn’t explained anything particularly well, hadn’t been able to cross the divide between the two of you. Perhaps it was how awfully old he looked in that moment, how he seemed to age a thousand years, so much you could almost imagine him hunched over and grey and wrinkled. Maybe he did know more about age then you thought he did.

Besides, you couldn’t leave him, or Liyue. Not truly. And if that was only your survival instinct kicking in then it was doing a damn good job of it.

Slowly the roaring of the cicadas was replaced with a chorus of crickets. The glaze lilies turned their pale faces towards the light of the moon. Laying your head down in Zhongli’s lap you studied your lover’s face, trying to piece together the strange conversation that had soaked up all other conversation. As if reading your thoughts Zhongli’s eyes met you. Though a smile still refused to breach his expression, he leaned in to bring his hand to your cheek. You relished the warm of shared connection.

Maybe none of this would last the night, maybe tomorrow you would think the same thing you had before. But right now you very much wanted to stay. And right now was all that mattered.

[astudyingreer]

Some good old-fashioned psychological horror for y’all. It’s been a while.

TW: Check tags :)

---

“Isn’t this nice, all of us together? Feels like a proper reunion.”

Anti sighed, his tongue tracing the inside of his cheek as he looked between his two captives. Chase leaned against the kitchen counter, hands and feet bound in rope, and Stacy sat tied to one of the chairs at the table opposite the room. They were both gagged, but their eyes were locked in a desperation that was palpable in the air.  

Their house--well, Stacy’s house--was a perfect replica, but Chase knew it wasn’t real. This dream was different than usual, but he had gotten good at spotting them. Dreams felt right, but wrong--there was always an impending fear, a prickle on the back of his neck, but the demon standing between them was the thing that proved it.

“I like this,” Anti hummed, craning his neck to look back at Chase. “It’s different. Maybe next time I’ll even invite the kids, hm?” His figure was tall and spindly, bending and spasming as he moved, and every movement was fluid and perfect. His eyes, boring into Chase’s, burned with a horrible perverted sort of light. 

Chase only scowled up at him, the tears clinging to his eyelashes betrayed his terror and disgust. Anti chuckled at his own words, sweeping his hand upward and summoning his knife out of nowhere. He turned the tip absentmindedly on his pointer finger.

“You know,” the demon continued, approaching Chase with agonizingly-slow steps, “I don’t know why I didn’t think of this earlier. A little variety, a little surprise... and it gives you a break, which I’m sure you’re very happy about.”

Fuck off. Fuck off. Fuck off.

Anti crouched down in front of him, and his breath was warm against Chase’s face. His voice dropped as if he was telling his victim a secret. “Though... I’m not sure if Stacy’s having as much fun. Does she always cry like that?”

Chase’s eyebrows knit over red, irritated eyes, but he didn’t move. His rage radiated off of him.

Anti shrugged, drawing a long breath. “Maybe she just misses you,” he mused, waving his knife. “We were getting up to all sorts of things before you came, you should have seen it. I didn’t even have to use this and the bitch was screaming her head off.”

Suddenly Chase jerked forward in his binds, as if to tackle Anti, and a tear dripped off his eyelash down his chin and over the duct tape on his mouth. Anti watched his futile attempt with a growing smirk, still absent-mindedly waving his knife. He bounced a little where he crouched.

“She’s still all fresh and clean,” Anti purred, and his eyes flashed dark as pitch, “but I can fix that. I guess you’ll be taking the backseat this time around, Bad Dad. Try not to get jealous.”

Chase watched helplessly as Anti stood, walking toward Stacy with a casualness that could only be deliberate. She watched him with wide, unblinking eyes, her breaths becoming more and more ragged the closer she got. Wordlessly he walked around behind her, leaning one hand on the back of her chair and resting the other on her shoulder. She grimaced, and Chase felt like he was going to throw up.

Suddenly Anti reached down, slashing her bonds with one fluid motion. Then he grabbed her arm, Stacy was a sobbing, snotty mess as he hauled her to her feet. Almost immediately her knees buckled and she fell into him, but he caught her. His expression through his eyelashes was almost gentle, towering over her.

“There you go–shh, that’s it, it’s okay,” he cooed, reaching up to wipe her tears and eliciting a groan of anger and disgust from Stacy through her gag as she tilted her head away from him. Her eyes were wild, fixed on him with unfathomable terror.

Anti eased himself down into her chair with a contented sigh before guiding Stacy in front of him. She tried to resist and he clicked his tongue in some mocking form of sympathy. “Come on, it’s all right,” he said gently, and every word turned Chase’s stomach as he finally coaxed her to sit down on his lap. She shrunk away from his touch, looking to Chase as if for help.

It’s not real, Chase, it’s not real.

Anti grinned, grabbing Stacy’s bound wrists and slashing the ropes binding them. Once free she raised her fists to hit him in a weak attempt at escape but he only shushed her, grabbing her hands and holding them in place. 

“Come on, baby, it’s okay,” he soothed, locking eyes with her. “Hold this for me, all right?” Slowly he opened her fingers, placing his knife in one hand and making her sobs falter weakly. Then he looked to Chase, raising his eyebrows in a sickeningly triumphant grin.

“Are we all comfy now?” he asked loudly, shifting a little in his seat and wrapping one hand around Stacy to pull her to him. His legs were splayed in casual relaxation. “I sure am. Except now I have to stare at your face, Chase. God damn. You know how that feels for me? It’s irritating. It’s like nails on a chalkboard for me. Actually--you know what, it’s more like this.”

Chase’s eyes darting desperately between Anti and Stacy as that demon turned to face her, flashing her a cold smile.

“Honey, cut your arm for me, mm?” he purred. Chase’s body had a visceral reaction. He thrashed against his bonds, even though he knew it was futile... god, this was all exactly how he wanted it...

Stacy’s sobs increased and she slowly lifted the blade, her unwilling hand shaking uncontrollably as she brought the blade to her arm. Anti watched, raising his eyebrows in anticipation until the moment she began to slide the knife across her skin--

“Stop,” Anti told her, and she let her hand drop as her choking sobs turned to wails. The demon ignored her, turning to Chase who was hyperventilating so hard he could’ve passed out.

“See?” Anti said. “It’s like that. That’s how excruciating it is to be in your presence, Chase. Not like Stacy here, we all know she’s a good sport. Isn’t that right?”

He reached out, snapping his fingers and causing the duct tape over Chase’s mouth to evaporate into nothing. His mouth was dry and sour as he gasped for breath, swallowing hard and feeling a new wave of tears overwhelm him.

“Stacy, I’m s-sorry, I’m so sorry,” he forced out, trying to sit up in his compromised position. He knew she wasn’t real, of course none of this was, but the words tumbled from him nevertheless.

Anti nodded slowly, squinting as he looked up at Stacy. “What do we think about that, baby? He seems upset.”

Muffled weeping was her only response.

“Mmh, I agree,” was Anti’s musing reply. “I don’t know why we’re supposed to give a shit.” God, he was so arrogant, his words were just dripping with triumph.

“What--what do you want, Anti?” Chase demanded, voice thick with sobs. “Come on, what, you want me to watch you t-torture some fake version of my wife, for what? How is this any more painful than any, anything else you do? Why are you doing this?”

“First of all, ‘wife’ seems like a stretch nowadays. Second of all, you’re talking, but that’s just pissing me off even more,” Anti spat, and for the first time real hatred sparked in his eyes. “I’m starting to regret taking your gag off. Hey Stacy? Cut your arm.”

“W-wait, wait--!”

Stacy raised the knife again over her forearm, dragging the blade slowly across her skin. Chase froze in terror, waiting for Anti to stop her or say something, but the silence was deafening. She dragged the blade over her skin, slowly and shakily, and the muffled moan that escaped her constricted Chase’s stomach into a knot. A small, shallow line of red appeared on her arm and she let her hand drop as Anti’s hold was released.

Anti hummed in satisfaction, tapping his outstretched foot on the floor as he smiled at his prey. 

“I think she might’ve liked that one,” he noted in that sick, quiet tone of his. Chase let his head fall, unable to look at her face anymore. It didn’t matter if this wasn’t real. It was too much.

“You’re sick,” he whispered.

“Maybe she does like it,” Anti mused coldly. There was a part of his demeanor that exhibited that carefree facade of constant humiliation and shame, but a deeper side was beginning to show. Real detestation and loathing.

“Maybe I’ll make her like it,” he continued, eyes darkening. Somehow even looking down Chase could see them. “If that’s what I want. After all, this reality is mine. Your reality is whatever I want. So buckle in, sweetheart.”

[allthefilmsiveseenforfree]

Once Upon a Time in Hollywood

Quentin Tarantino is a divisive fellow. Love him or hate him, you have to admit, he belongs to a short list of contemporary directors who have earned true auteur status. I really really hated his last offering, The Hateful Eight, but my hopes were higher for his 9th film, Once Upon a Time ... in Hollywood. This movie has everything. Leonardo DiCaprio as a washed up actor, known for playing a cowboy in a 50′s tv show; Brad Pitt as his chilled-out stunt double/errands man; Margot Robbie as the ill-fated Sharon Tate; and a combination of 60s tunes and bitchin grooves that make the summer of 1969 come alive in the way only Tarantino can achieve. There is a lot, and I mean a LOT going on here, so is this more of a cool pulp fiction classic, or a hateful way to spend an afternoon? Well...

While its pacing is definitely uneven (and definitely indulgent), I loved this movie. I loved it so so much. The atmosphere, the humor, the creeping dread, the sun-slick sticky sweet days of a California summer - it’s all here, and it’s all being acted out by incredible actors who are really giving it their all. This may not be QT’s best, but I would argue it is the best example of the particular kind of leisurely, sharp-tongued fun that he does so very well.

The film is divided into two lopsided sections: the first 2 hours take place in February 1969, and the final 45 minutes take place in August 1969. Rick Dalton (DiCaprio) is trying to shake up his image by taking a new acting gig more seriously. Cliff Booth, his stunt man (Pitt), is running errands for Dalton and runs into a hippie girl (Margaret Qualley) who takes him back to the Manson family’s ranch. Sharon Tate (Margot Robbie) is also running errands and stops into a theater playing her film, The Wrecking Crew. It’s all a slice of life, setting up a mood and a time and place in a way that makes you feel nostalgic for a time that you (in my case) were never alive for. 

Some thoughts:

One thing I loved was all the tv, movie, commercials, and songs included as artifacts to specifically build a sense of time and place. All of these things are woven into the fabric and the language of the film seamlessly - as a rabid consumer of culture, there’s no one better to distill and cultivate those cultural artifacts into a feeling than QT. Say what you will, QT is damn good at creating a #mood. I love all the details about how 1969 feels. Also these fake Rick Dalton movies are incredible. 

I love seeing a couple of QT’s usual suspects - Michael Madsen! Zoe Bell (who was also the stunt coordinator on the film)!

I wish I had a gif of this Hullabaloo sequence on repeat behind my eyelids at all times, it brings me such great joy.

THIS MOVIE FEATURES THE BEST GOOD DOG OF ALL THE GOOD DOGS. Cliff’s dog Brandy is a giant red pit bull who is perfect and beautiful and so smart and so brave and I love her so much and want to bring her home with me and give her many face rubs and homemade dog treats. There are moments in which Brandy is in danger, but I promise you, Brandy emerges from the encounter A-OK.

What shocked me the most was probably how funny this was. Much, MUCH funnier than his last few movies. Also, I don’t think I heard the n-word once! Is this a kinder, softer QT? Hard to say.

I always thought Austin Powers’s outfits were an exaggeration, but based on Roman Polanski’s going-out outfit, I guess the whole velvet suit and lace cravat thing was very unfortunately real. 

Speaking of, one detail I liked best is that Roman Polanski as a character doesn’t have like, any lines at all. Because NO ONE gives a shit what he has to say. Good call, QT.

No offense, but in what universe is Damian Lewis hot enough to play Steve Motherfucking McQueen? 

Sharon Tate also has an excellent little grey floofy dog. There are many good dogs present and accounted for. 

I know LA is a car city, but man...there are a lot of driving scenes. Like....too many driving scenes. This movie is 2 hr 41 min long. And don’t get me wrong, those long shots filled with 1969-era radio ads and songs and long, meandering drives through the Hollywood hills DO set the mood in a way that nothing else can but, I feel like we could have done some editing here nevertheless.

Sexuality is a confusing thing, man. I am happily married to Wife, and frankly I don’t feel the same kind of gut-level “oh no he/she is hot” reaction to ANYone like I did in my 20s anymore but. B U T. Shirtless, scar-covered Brad Pitt smoking a cigarette in work gloves may be the hottest thing I’ve ever seen. That says more about me than it does about Brad Pitt, but like. Human beauty. What a time.

Mike Moh’s performance as Bruce Lee is both hilarious and extraordinarily committed in a visceral, physical way. His whole scene is a highlight of the film.

I’m half wondering if Trudi (Julia Butters), the young method actress who makes such an impression on Rick, is partially based in Leonardo DiCaprio’s own experiences as a child actor. He seems like the type to be uh. Real intense about THE CRAFT.

For as funny as most of the film is, my blood did run cold when Charles Manson (Damon Herriman) sees Sharon Tate for the first time. Oh also, lest you be misled like I was, Charles Manson is barely in this. The trailer makes it seem like he will be a heavy presence in the film, and the shadow of him certainly looms large, but for actual screentime, he barely cracks 2 minutes.

A small but significant thing - the footage of Sharon Tate’s film, The Wrecking Crew, has not been altered to put Margot Robbie in it. Instead, the real Sharon Tate’s performance is shown on screen. I appreciated her memory being preserved in this way. 

Nothing takes me out of a QT movie faster than all these gross ass dirty feet. All of these hippie girls in the Manson family hate shoes and they live on a fucking ranch where everything is covered in dirt, it’s disgusting. I have no problem if YOU have a foot fetish, but my god man, does subjecting us to it have to be part of it??

My favorite line in the whole movie might be “Give me evil sexy Hamlet” because that is a vibe I wish there was more of in the world.

In many ways, this movie is a story about friendship and the ways it changes and guides our lives. The deep, intimate friendship between Rick and Cliff is almost like a marriage, and there’s a real sense of respect and care that they have for each other. 

About 2 hours into the movie, I was thinking “Wow, you know, this really hasn’t been very violent at all for a QT movie” but then...

I really enjoyed the stinger at the end, featuring Rick hawking Red Apple cigarettes. 

Did I Cry? At the very, very end. Mainly for Sharon Tate and the senseless violence that was done to her. This film is a love letter to her, a kind woman who did not deserve her fate. 

This features a lot of QT classics with a lot of the rough edges sanded off. Oh sure there’s a lot of the fuck-words thrown around, and there is some sizable violence towards the end, but the whole thing feels downright wholesome in comparison to a bloodbath like Kill Bill or even Inglorious Basterds. QT is very good at what he does, and if you can handle a more meandering, softer touch, there’s no better way to spend a few hours at the movies than letting the magic of a Hollywood long gone sweep you away. 

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