#never trust anyone online completely heck never trust anyone completely

[my-mom-named-me-duck]

hehehe I'm a horrible person

[generalluxun]

This is an interesting read. My gut reaction was 'First Time meme here'. 🤣 (but I didn't stop with gut reaction or I wouldn't post!)

It's probably a mix of Age+interests but I've seen this sort of wave happen several times. Take videogames. No, I don't mean the recent expansion and gamergate drama. No, I'm talking way back when consoles 'happened'. (Xbox Era, I know they existed before PCs but the death of Atari killed them off for a while) suddenly dudebros were everywhere, CoD and Madden and all sorts of people who had *beat up the people who played videogames* sprawling all over our corner of the world. These guys had never sent an entire computer lab of C64's into If-then loops when a teacher walked out! They were just using our beloved section of the world to facilitate their own mainstream 'masculine' fantasies in new ways. They ate up budgets that could have gone to other games! There was no internet-fandom like there is now then, but they ate up print-media space. They demanded the platform cater to their needs.

Just one example of many. RPGs, Anime, scads of niche hobbies pried open so that the 'normies' can lay all over it and tell us how it should be changed to better suit them. This isn't a rant against these things, it's just an observation that it's not very new, even when not looking at the equality struggle elements.

So what's my point? Well first let me say what's it's not. This isn't a wagging finger and admonition about how you should or should not feel shamed or utilize your own content. It's more a 'food for thought' I'm not drawing a line here, I'm just trying to add more ideas in for people to utilize when drawing their own lines.

-And aha I have come up with a coherent conclusion, so this won't JUST be a ramble by the end.

Bad actors are always a thing. If someone wants to steal content, making an account is no barrier. Weaseling in to find 'good' content to steal is probably even more efficient in the long run. If someone wants to be awful they will too. As someone who at one point years ago had someone using multiple accounts to accuse me of things I not only didn't do, but was physically incapable of doing... trust me. 😅 The idea is advanced that Lurkers are a good thing, and I would go one step further to say they are essential. Stagnation is the bane of all creative spaces. Closed ecosystems stagnate. Lurkers who decide to step in are your fresh infusions over time. How many will turn away if they must pass muster before they can even digest the content? I'll even go one step further. Tourists are essential now too. Why? Because as has been stated, everyone is online. Tourists are everywhere. Lurker is no longer the first step. A tourist who hangs about ends up being a lurker. That lurker over time might become a creator. They might not. Heck, lots won't. And yes some are going to be very 'Touristy' this is our new pipeline though.

If we start closing gates and locking doors as a fandom, we stymie that flow and the fandom will suffer in the long run.

So I think there's a better question than 'Should we as a fandom, gatekeep?' I think the answer to that is just 'no.' It's not healthy in the long run. That's setting aside the concept of slippery slopes, fracturing, etc. etc.

Now what *IS* an extremely important and valid question is 'Should I, personally, gatekeep for my mental well being?' THAT is something only you can answer, and the answer to which may even change and change back over time. No one should fault you for it. At the end of the day it's your stuff and your heart/head. I've got comment moderation on for my fics because I've had people post some things I felt were completely unnecessary, beyond the one-time personal attacks. (Character spite, etc) Anyone can look, and anyone can write something I see, but the *fandom* space I will try to keep clean. That's my personal 'line'. It's no more or less valid than anyone else's personal line for their work.

There's a tendency to universalize our experiences. It's perfectly normal. No one wants to be the 'odd one out' no one wants to be the person locking their gate when others leave them wide. I think though this is a case where we need to recognize what is healthy for the individual and what is healthy for the collective can diverge. They can diverge but they can also coexist.

Fandom can do a little gatekeeping. As a treat.

So I finally decided to archive-lock my fics on AO3 last night. I’ve been considering it since the AI scrape last year, but the tipping point was this whole lore.fm debacle, coupled with some thoughts I’ve been thinking regarding Fandom These Days in general and Fandom As A Community in particular. So I wanna explain why I waited so long, why I locked my stuff up now, and why I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m a-okay with making it harder for people to see my stories.

Lurkers really are great, tho

I’m a chronic lurker, and have been since I started hanging out on the internet as a teen in the 00s. These days it’s just cuz I don’t feel a need to socialize very often, but back then it was because I was shy and knew I was socially awkward. Even if I made an account, I’d spend months lurking on message boards or forums or Livejournals, watching other people interact and getting a feel for that particular community’s culture and etiquette before I finally started interacting myself. And y’know, that approach saved me a lot of embarrassment. Over the course of my lurking on any site, there was always some other person who’d clearly joined up five minutes after learning the place existed, barged in without a care for their behavior, and committed so many social faux pas that all the other users were immediately annoyed with them at best. I learned a lot observing those incidents. Lurk More is Rule 33 of the internet for very good reason.

Lurking isn’t bad or weird or creepy. It’s perfectly normal. I love lurking. It’s hard for me to not lurk - socializing takes a lot of energy out of me, even via text. (Heck it took 12 hours for me to write this post, I wish I was kidding--) Occasionally I’ll manage longer bouts of interaction - a few weeks posting here, almost a year chatting in a discord there - but I’m always gonna end up going radio silent for months at some point. I used to feel bad about it, but I’ve long since made peace with the fact that it’s just the way my brain works. I’m a chronic lurker, and in the long term nothing is going to change that.

The thing with being a chronic lurker is that you have to accept that you are not actually seen as part of the community you are lurking in. That’s not to say that lurkers are unimportant - lurkers actually are important, and they make up a large proportion of any online community - but it’s simple cause and effect. You may think of it as “your community”, but if you’ve never said a word, how is the community supposed to know you exist? If I lurked on someone’s LJ, and then that person suddenly friendslocked their blog, I knew that I had two choices: Either accept that I would never be able to read their posts again, or reach out to them and ask if I could be added to their friends list with the full understanding that I was a rando they might not decide to trust. I usually went with the first option, because my invisibility as a lurker was more important to me than talking to strangers on the internet.

Lurking is like sitting on a park bench, quietly people-watching and eavesdropping on the conversations other people are having around you. You’re in the park, but you’re not actively participating in anything happening there. You can see and hear things that you become very interested in! But if you don’t introduce yourself and become part of the conversation, you won’t be able to keep listening to it when those people walk away. When fandom migrated away from Livejournal, people moved to new platforms alongside their friends, but lurkers were often left behind. No one knew they existed, so they weren’t told where everyone else was going. To be seen as part of a fandom community, you need to submit to the mortifying ordeal of being known, etc. etc.

There’s nothing wrong with lurking. There can actually be benefits to lurking, both for the lurkers and the communities they lurk in. It’s just another way to be in a fandom. But if that is how you exist in fandom--and remember, I say this as someone who often does exist that way in fandom--you need to remember that you’re on the outside looking in, and the curtains can always close.

I’ve always been super sympathetic to lurkers, because I am one. I know there’s a lot of people like me who just don’t socialize often. I know there’s plenty of reasons why someone might not make an account on the internet - maybe they’re nervous, maybe they’re young and their parents don’t allow them to, maybe they’re in a bad situation where someone is monitoring their activity, maybe they can only access the internet from public computer terminals. Heck, I’ve never even logged into AO3 on my phone--if I’m away from my computer I just read what’s publicly available. 

I know I have people lurking on my fics. I know my fics probably mean a lot to someone I don’t even know exists. I know this because there are plenty of fics I love whose writers don’t know I exist.

I love my commenters personally; I love my lurkers as an abstract concept. I know they’re there and I wish them well, and if they ever de-lurk I love them all the more.

So up until last year I never considered archive-locking my fic, because I get it. The AI scraping was upsetting, but I still hesitated because I was thinking of lurkers and guests and remembering what it felt like to be 15 and wondering if it’d be worth letting a stranger on the internet know I existed and asking to be added to their friends list just so I could reread a funny post they made once.

But the internet has changed a lot since the 00s, and fandom has changed with it. I’ve read some things and been doing some thinking about fandom-as-community over the last few years, and reading through the lore.fm drama made me decide that it’s time for me to set some boundaries.

I still love my lurkers, and I feel bad about leaving any guest commenters behind, especially if they’re in a situation where they can’t make an account for some reason. But from here on out, even my lurkers are going to have to do the bare minimum to read my fics--make an AO3 account.

Should we gatekeep fandom?

I’ve seen a few people ask this question, usually rhetorically, sometimes as a joke, always with a bit of seriousness. And I think…yeah, maybe we should. Except wait, no, not like that--

A decade ago, when people talked about fandom gatekeeping and why it was bad to do, it intersected with a lot of other things, mainly feminism and classism. The prevalent image of fandom gatekeeping was, like, a man learning that a woman likes Star Wars and haughtily demanding, “Oh, yeah? Well if you’re REALLY a fan, name ten EU novels” to belittle and dismiss her, expecting that a “real fan” would have the money and time to be familiar with the EU, and ignoring the fact that male movie-only fans were still considered fans. The thing being gatekept was the very definition of “being a fan” and people’s right to describe themselves as one.

That’s not what I mean when I say maybe fandom should gatekeep more. Anyone can call themselves a fan if they like something, that’s fine. But when it comes to the ability to enjoy the fanworks produced by the fandom community…that might be something worth gatekeeping.

See, back in the 00s, it was perfectly common for people to just…not go on the internet. Surfing the web was a thing, but it was just, like, a fun pastime. Not everyone did it. It wasn’t until the rise of social media that going online became a thing everyone and their grandmother did every day. Back then, going on the internet was just…a hobby.

So one of the first gates online fandom ever had was the simple fact that the entire world wasn’t here yet.

The entire world is here now. That gate has been demolished.

And it’s a lot easier to find us now. Even scattered across platforms, fandom is so centralized these days. It isn’t a network of dedicated webshrines and forums that you can only find via webrings anymore, it’s right there on all the big social media sites. AO3 didn’t set out to be the main fanfic website, but that’s definitely what it’s become. It’s easy for people to find us--and that includes people who don’t care about the community, and just want “content.”

Transformative fandom doesn’t like it when people see our fanworks as “content”. “Content” is a pretty broad term, but when fandom uses it we’re usually referring to creative works that are churned out by content creators to be consumed by an audience as quickly as possible as often as possible so that the content creator can generate revenue. This not-so-new normal has caused a massive shift in how people who are new to fandom view fanworks--instead of seeing fic or art as something a fellow fan made and shared with you, they see fanworks as products to be consumed.

Transformative fandom has, in general, always been a gift economy. We put time and effort into creating fanworks that we share with our fellow fans for free. We do this so we don’t get sued, but fandom as a whole actually gets a lot out of the gift economy. Offer your community a story, and in return you can get comments, build friendships, or inspire other people to write things that you might want to read. Readers are given the gift of free stories to read and enjoy, and while lurking is fine, they have the choice to engage with the writer and other readers by leaving comments or making reclists to help build the community.

And look, don’t get me wrong. People have never engaged with fanfic as much as fan writers wish they would. There has always been “no one comments anymore” wank. There have always been people who only comment to say “MORE!” or otherwise demand or guilt trip writers into posting the next chapter. But fandom has always agreed that those commenters are rude and annoying, and as those commenters navigate fandom they have the chance to learn proper community etiquette.

However, now it seems that a lot of the people who are consuming fanworks aren’t actually in the community. 

I won’t say “they aren’t real fans” because that’s silly; there’s lots of ways to be a fan. But there seem to be a lot of fans now who have no interest in fandom as a community, or in adhering to community etiquette, or in respecting the gift economy. They consume our fics, but they don’t appreciate fan labor. They want our “content”, but they don’t respect our control over our creations.

And even worse--they see us as a resource. We share our work for free, as a gift, but all they see is an open-source content farm waiting to be tapped into. We shared it for free, so clearly they can do whatever they want with it. Why should we care if they feed our work into AI training datasets, or copy/paste our unfinished stories into ChatGPT to get an ending, or charge people for an unnecessary third-party AO3 app, or sell fanbindings on etsy for a profit without the author’s permission, or turn our stories into poor imitations of podfics to be posted on other platforms without giving us credit or asking our consent, while also using it to lure in people they can datascrape for their Forbes 30 Under 30 company? 

And sure, people have been doing shady things with other people’s fanworks since forever. Art theft and reposting has always been a big problem. Fanfic is harder to flat-out repost, but I’ve heard of unauthorized fic translations getting posted without crediting the original author. Once in…I think the 2010s? I read a post by a woman who had gone to some sort of local bookselling event, only to find that the man selling “his” novel had actually self-published her fanfic. (Wish I could find that one again, I don’t even remember where I read it.)

But aside from that third example, the thing is…as awful as fanart/writing theft is, back in the day, the main thing a thief would gain from it was clout. Clout that should rightfully go to the creators who gifted their work in the first place, yeah, but still. Just clout. People will do a lot of hurtful things for clout, but fandom clout means nothing outside of fandom. Fandom clout is not enough to incentivize the sort of wide-scale pillaging we’re seeing from community outsiders today.

Money, on the other hand… Well, fandom’s just a giant, untapped content farm, isn’t it? Think of how much revenue all that content could generate.

Lurkers are a normal and even beneficial part of any online community. Maybe one day they’ll de-lurk and easily slide into place beside their fellow fans because they already know the etiquette. Maybe they’re active in another community, and they can spread information from the community they lurk in to the community they’re active in. At the very least, they silently observe, and even if they’re not active community members, they understand the community.

Fans who see fanworks as “content” don’t belong in the same category as lurkers. They’re tourists. 

While reading through the initial Reddit thread on the lore.fm situation, I found this comment:

[ID: Reddit User Cabbitowo says: ... So in anime fandoms we have a word called tourist and essentially it means a fan of a few anime and doesn't care about anime tropes and actively criticizes them. This is kind of how fandoms on tiktok feel. They're touring fanfics and fanart and actively criticizes tropes that have been in the fandom since the 60s. They want to be in a fandom but they don't want to engage in fandom 

OP totallymandy responds: Just entered back into Reddit after a long day to see this most recent reply. And as a fellow anime fan this making me laugh so much since it’s true! But it sorta hurts too when the reality sets in. Modern fandom is so entitled and bratty and you’d think it’s the minors only but that’s not even true, my age-mates and older seem to be like that. They want to eat their cake and complain all whilst bringing nothing to the potluck… :/ END ID]

-

“Tourist” is an apt name for this sort of fan. They don’t want to be part of our community, and they don’t have to be in order to come into our spaces and consume our work. Even if they don’t steal our work themselves, they feel so entitled to it that they’re fine with ignoring our wishes and letting other people take it to make AI “podfics” for them to listen to (there are a lot of comments on lore.fm’s shutdown announcement video from people telling them to just ignore the writers and do it anyway). They’ll use AI to generate an ending to an unfinished fic because they don’t care about seeing “the ending this writer would have given to the story they were telling”, they just want “an ending”. For these tourist fans, the ends justify the means, and their end goal is content for them to consume, with no care for the community that created it for them in the first place.

I don’t think this is confined to a specific age group. This isn’t “13-year-olds on Wattpad” or “Zoomers on TikTok” or whatever pointless generation war we’re in now. This is coming from people who are new to fandom, whose main experience with creative works on the internet is this new content culture and who don’t understand fandom as a community. That description can be true of someone from any age group.

It’s so easy to find fandom these days. It is, in fact, too easy. Newcomers face no hurdles or challenges that would encourage them to lurk and observe a bit before engaging, and it’s easy for people who would otherwise move on and leave us alone to start making trouble. From tourist fans to content entrepreneurs to random people who just want to gawk, it’s so easy for people who don’t care about the fandom community to reap all of its fruits. 

So when I say maybe fandom should start gatekeeping a bit, I’m referring to the fact that we barely even have a gate anymore. Everyone is on the internet now; the entire world can find us, and they don’t need to bother learning community etiquette when they do. Before, we were protected by the fact that fandom was considered weird and most people didn’t look at it twice. Now, fandom is pretty mainstream. People who never would’ve bothered with it before are now comfortable strolling in like they own the place. They have no regard for the fandom community, they don’t understand it, and they don’t want to. They want to treat it just like the rest of the content they consume online.

And then they’re surprised when those of us who understand fandom culture get upset. Fanworks have existed far longer than the algorithmic internet’s content. Fanworks existed long before the internet. We’ve lived like this for ages and we like it.

So if someone can’t be bothered to respect fandom as a community, I don’t see why I should give them easy access to my fics.

Think of it like a garden gate

When I interact with commenters on my fic, I have this sense of hospitality.

The comment section is my front porch. The fic is my garden. I created my garden because I really wanted to, and I’m proud of it, and I’m happy to share it with other people. 

Lots of people enjoy looking at my garden. Many walk through without saying anything. Some stop to leave kudos. Some recommend my garden to their friends. And some people take the time to stop by my front porch and let me know what a beautiful garden it is and how much they’ve enjoyed it. 

Any fic writer can tell you that getting comments is an incredible feeling. I always try to answer all my comments. I don’t always manage it, but my fics’ comment sections are the one place that I manage to consistently socialize in fandom. When I respond to a comment, it feels like I’m pouring out a glass of lemonade to share with this lovely commenter on my front porch, a thank you for their thank you. We take a moment to admire my garden together, and then I see them out. The next time they drop by, I recognize them and am happy to pour another glass of lemonade.

My garden has always been open and easy to access. No fences, no walls. You just have to know where to find it. Fandom in general was once protected by its own obscurity, an out-of-the-way town that showed up on maps but was usually ignored.

But now there’s a highway that makes it easy to get to, and we have all these out-of-towner tourists coming in to gawk and steal our lawn ornaments and wonder if they can use the place to make themselves some money.

I don’t care to have those types trampling over my garden and eating all my vegetables and digging up my flowers to repot and sell, so I’ve put up a wall. It has a gate that visitors can get through if they just take the time to open it.

Admittedly, it’s a small obstacle. But when I share my fics, I share them as a gift with my fellow fans, the ones who understand that fandom is a community, even if they’re lurkers. As for tourist fans and entrepreneurs who see fic as content, who have no qualms ignoring the writer’s wishes, who refuse to respect or understand the fandom community…well, they’re not the people I mean to share my fic with, so I have no issues locking them out. If they want access to my stories, they’ll have to do the bare minimum to become a community member and join the AO3 invite queue.

And y’know, I’ve said a lot about fandom and community here, and I just want to say, I hope it’s not intimidating. When I was younger, talk about The Fandom Community made me feel insecure, and I didn’t think I’d ever manage to be active enough in fandom spaces to be counted as A Member Of The Community. But you don’t have to be a social butterfly to participate in fandom. I’ll always and forever be a chronic lurker, I reblog more than I post, I rarely manage to comment on fic, and I go radio silent for months at a time--but I write and post fanfiction. That’s my contribution.

Do you write, draw, vid, gif, or otherwise create? Congrats, you're a community member.

Do you leave comments? Congrats, you're a community member.

Do you curate reclists? Congrats, you're a community member.

Do you maintain a fandom blog or fuckyeah blog? Congrats, you're a community member.

Do you provide a space for other fans to convene in? Congrats, you're a community member.

Do you regularly send asks (off anon so people know who you are)? Congrats, you're a community member.

Do you have fandom friends who you interact with? Congrats, you're a community member.

There’s lots of ways to be a fan. Just make sure to respect and appreciate your fellow fans and the work they put in for you to enjoy and the gift economy fandom culture that keeps this community going.

[schizofficial]

Do you make friends easily? No? Neither do I. Trust me, you have a hard time making friends now, it doesn't get any easier as an adult. I'm sorry to burst your bubble, but that is just the truth of the matter. Unless you are social butterfly, expect delays at the train station A LOT.

When you are at school, you are surrounded by people to talk to. Most of the time, there are at least one or two people that share your same views. If you get truly lucky, you find a TRUE best friend in there somewhere. I'm not saying that it's like that for all of you, but nine times out of ten, that's the case. You walk through the halls with these same people for years sometimes. You have to pair up with these people on projects. You go on field trips, personal outings, whathaveyou. What I'm trying to get at is, you're surrounded by people, so there is usually an opportunity to make some kind of friend(s).

But in all honesty, if you do have friends, how many of those people are REAL friends? I mean, really analyze the way they treat you on a day-to-day basis. I bet you've ignored the red flags surrounding certain people. Let some people skate by treating you unkind the majority of the time, yet they play it off as "a joke." You've let them trash talk you right in your presence yet stay quiet. You get ignored in conversations. You get added to group chats as the butt of the jokes. You're "the friend" that they dump all of their problems on, but you can NEVER come to them with anything because they say you are being self-centered or the like. The racial jokes could be unbearable, but you grin and bear it. Are any of these hitting home? Should I keep going? I really would rather not because it is really upsetting even typing red flags of horrid people. None of these things I have mentioned are things a true friend would do. They aren't even things a generally good person would do, to be honest.

Okay, let's talk. Mom to you. Just like I do with my own. These people are not your friends, and YOU DO NOT NEED THEM IN YOUR LIFE. Yes, it will be a little bit lonelier. Yes, your phone notifications will be a little bit quieter. But guess what? The toxicity is gone. You will feel lighter, and your mind will feel clearer. Your complaints will be less. Honestly, how many of your complaints in a day are about these people that we speak of? What did they do today to piss you off? I'll wait for the list because I know it's long. I know it's bubbling up inside of you right now and on the tip of your tongue. It sux to feel this exhausted about people that you supposedly label as a friend. And you let them treat you this way. You allow them to do this to you. You tell them everyday this continues that it's okay to put your self-esteem a little further down into the toilet. Is that okay? Is this the metaphorical neon sign you want plastered above your head for the rest of your life? Because this will only continue and get worse and be what you attract. I don't want that for you. You definitely shouldn't want that for yourself.

You deserve a true friend. And despite what anyone will tell you, you don't always find that right away. You might walk the halls alone for a while. Friendships are hit or miss. You don't have to keep people around. Friendships are trial and error, much like a DIY project. And yes, some people are seasonal in your life, only there to stay for a short period of time and drift away a while later. It happens. Ebbs and flows happen. It's okay. Friendships are NOT a marriage. There is no contract, and they definitely are not conditional. Sometimes they can be business oriented, but that is completely different. There is definitely no "build-a-friend" workshop where you get to pick only the traits you want. You take the person as they are or not at all, but you do NOT get to change them into what you want. (No Chik-fil-A orders here.) Heck, be your own friend first, your best friend.

To those of you that have entered the world of online friendships, I say this to you. PLEASE be careful. Not everyone has good intentions, and not everyone is who they say they are. And this is not my paranoid nature coming through, this is just where this world is right now. This creepy, morally bankrupt world. I don't want to sound like a counselor's poster, but internet safety exists for a reason. Sharing too much personal information too soon. Trusting too much. Being way to friendly and generous. These are all things you need to keep close to your person. (I mean, this even rings true in face-to-face relationships as well. Duh.) Don't be that person that "ends up on the back of a milk carton" or as an Amber Alert passing through mass texts. Please practice internet safety.

Now, how do you make friends? Umm...I'm even asked this at home, and I don't have a concrete answer for this. Does anyone have a truly solid answer for this that is tried and true for all individuals? I don't think so because EVERYONE works differently. If someone cannot accept you being your normal self, your masking self, your quirky self, your whoever-you-decide-to-be-that-day self, then do they honestly deserve your time? As long as yourself isn't full out b' mode with a hint of a-hole, then you're probably lovely. Anyone should be honored to be your friend, and vice versa. Just sayin'.

[skellebonez]

With the prompt list, how about someone seeing MK with Monkie King with number 15?

Picking prompts back up with a nice dose of Dad Wukong! I needed some fluff! This is set in *shrug* post-season 2 because despite us only having 2 episodes so far I’m going to pretend season 2 wraps up just enough to give us a hook for a possible 3rd season but everyone is doing ok. For now. I just want everyone in the show to be safe and happy dang it!

Oh god, you’re just like your dad.

"Where to next?" MK asked, looking around the shopping district in excitement. It had taken him so long to convince Sun Wukong to actually join him on a day of just hanging out, outside of a couple short trips to the Anti-Gravity Arcade, and he wanted to cram as much into the day as humanly possible. "Video game store? Cheese tea stall? The new bakery, th-!?"

"Whoa, Bud, slow down!" Wukong eased with a smile. "We have all day. We can go wherever."

"And you’re sure you’re doing good?" Despite the Monkey King's soft tone, MK couldn't help but practically vibrate in equal parts excitement and worry. "There aren't too many people or anything?"

His concerns weren't unwarranted. Sun Wukong had been nearly completely isolated for centuries, company kept only with the monkeys of his mountain home and the odd outing into the world outside. And, of course, online correspondence with his lawyer after a time. Typically he was transformed in some way, a butterfly or bird or cat or something easy to blend in, and though he had made a couple short stops in a human disguise in the past. A quick drink here, a bun or fruit cup there. Nothing that required more than a quick transaction, however.

Now he was in the city, Wàn Qiān Chéng, in that human disguise and staying around. In jeans and a t-shirt and jacket (that MK was genuinely shocked to know he owned, until he realized that they were all branded Monkey King merchandise... including his jeans). Surrounded by people and cars and all manner of things the Monkey King would typically avoid. Despite the gradual introduction to being out and about MK was trying to ease him into, he couldn't help but worry that it would be overwhelming.

"Like I told you before, I'm doing fine!" Wukong put a hand in MK's hair, ruffling it gently with a soft smile.The sudden contact was... well, not that unusual actually. Nor was it unwelcome. The Monkey King always seemed to be a tactile person after all. "But, uh, now that I think about it I am getting kind of hungry. There was a little food stall pretty close by that I’ve been to a few times..."

“Oh, yeah!” MK exclaimed in glee, any place that his mentor frequented (however rarely) must be somewhere nice and he absolutely wanted to experience that! “Lead the way!”

Wukong laughed at MK’s exuberant response, smile softening as he indeed lead the way. “It’s, uh... actually the only place I’ve gone to for food when I’m checking in on you. So don’t be surprised, they’re going to recognize me.”

Ah, that made sense in MK’s mind. Had this been a few weeks ago MK might have been surprised to know that he was being checked in on, Heck, if this was before the Lunar New Year festival he would called anyone who told him a liar. Sun Wukong was not protective of him and he always left MK on his own because he trusted him!

And that last statement was very correct. Wukong did trust MK, more than enough. He knew he could handle just about anything that he would have gotten thrown at him. But not protective was a lie. Maybe it was Macaque, or maybe it was the Spider Queen, but after a while something in his mentor changed. He went from being aloof but helpful to being nearly non-existent (and when MK learned exactly what he had actually been doing he was not happy) and then “I’m just checking in, Bud, my dude, my student who I am not at all protective of what are you talking about” upon his return from his “vacation”.

Wukong trusted his student to handle himself. But that didn’t mean he didn’t worry about him now that the full extent of the danger he had put him in was known. And while some parts of it had been frustrating at times (he had been way too eager to stay at the Noodle Shop at first for Pigsy’s liking) it was kind of nice to have him around in just a casual way. Like when they watched the fireworks.

But beside that point, they finally arrived at the food stall. It was a street vendor, the booth decked out in bright colors and rows of food on offer, mostly...

“Baozi, should have known,” MK chuckled. The Monkey King didn’t make a lot of food at his home, but he made more than enough. Baozi was one of his favorites. “Well, they have got to be good if you keep coming back!”

“They’re not the only reason!” Wukong replied as they stepped up, the lady vendor doing a double take before smiling wide at him. “Hey!”

“Mr. Cheung!” She smiled wide, turning her full attention to the customers. “Well isn’t this a pleasant surprise, you’re a day early! Would you like your usual vegetarian order again?”

“Yes, please!” Wukong’s smile was wide, and if his tail had not been wrapped around his waist MK was certain it would have been swishing wildly. He’d clearly gained some kind of rapport with the vendor of this stall if they were on a “human disguise name” basis. “And, uh, something for my bud here too. Doesn’t have to be vegetarian for him though.”

“I’ll take whatever you think is tasty!” MK stated excitedly, nearly bouncing on his heels in the spot.

"Oh god, you’re just like your dad," the vendor laughed out with a smile as she turned away from them, and Wukong froze beside MK in response.

MK froze in response.

The Monkie Kid was almost certain he had never seen his mentor go this still. Ever.

" Oh no, he's n-"

"He is, huh!? Peach doesn't fall far from the tree!" Wukong laughed almost giddily and almost excessively loud, suddenly wrapping an arm around MK's shoulder and reaching around with his other arm to ruffle his hair once again. “He’s kind of embarrassed anytime someone points that out.”

MK could hear the vendor chuckling and responding with something else, but he couldn’t really understand it as he mulled over what Sun Wukong had just said.

“He is, huh!?”

He didn’t deny the vendor’s assumption at all. He just... went with it. Sun Wukong... just went with someone assuming MK was his son...

He barely paid attention when they were handed their food, the vendor insisting that since he was such a loyal customer that it was free of charge for finally introducing his son to her. Wukong did not deny it again, making pleasant conversation for a short while before they headed off. Wukong’s free hand was firm on his back as he led him away.

“Bud?” Wukong said once they were out of earshot, his tone oddly soft and uncertain for someone of his status. “That uh... I mean... you see... I wasn’t expecting her to just...”

“Have you been bragging about me like I’m your kid to a street vendor every time to check up on me?” MK asked softly, unable to keep the hopeful tone out of his voice.

“... maybe?”

“... you adopted me and you didn’t tell me?” MK asked with half joking offense in his tone, pointing his baozi at his mentor. He couldn’t keep the smile off his face as he said it.

And it seemed that somehow the combination of the way he said that and his exuberant expression drove the Monkey King into a fit of laughter that drew the attention of many passersby.

(The baozi were, as expected of a place that Sun Wukong would frequent, some of the best that MK had ever tasted in his life. Though, perhaps, they were made all the tastier knowing that he was eating them with someone who he had long secretly considered a father figure to him who had seemingly adopted him without meaning to.)

[kirishimas-manly-eyeliner]

A full, entire list of headcanons for a day with:

1. ☼ waking up with him ☼6am-8am

LISTEN UP Y’ALL

IF YOU DON’T SIMP FOR EIJIRO, JUST THINK:

YOU WAKE UP EVERY MORNING TO SEE HIS BEAUTIFUL, MESSY, CHAOTIC BED-HEAD WITH HIS HAIR DOWN AND HIS ADORABLE TIRED LIL’ SMILE

now if THAT doesn’t make you simp, you CONFUSE ME

anyways, so-

if there’s one thing that kirishima chooses to do, it’s to wake up early. i am so sorry to those who enjoy sleeping in, but hey, it’s the price we gotta pay to simp 😔✋

but omfg y’all, is the sweetest baby ever when you wake up with him! kirishima would most likely cuddle you first thing in the morning (…as in like 5 am-) and pull you in closer, planting a kiss on your forehead

“’morning, my beautiful pebble, d’ya sleep well?”

butcanwepleasetalkabouthowcutehisvoicewouldberightwhenhewakesup

you’ll also probably wake up to an insane amount of talking and chatting with him, and by six o’clock, he makes sure that you’re ready to be on your way

the sun is still rising where you guys are, so it’s actually pretty dark where you guys are

he ruffles your hair as he takes you on walks outside, hand in hand, no matter how tired you are

expect him to piggy back you, saying that it’s manly bc IT ISSSSS

2. ✎ doing online school with eijiro ✎ 8am-12pm, 2pm-4pm

“i think i’ve lost complete and utter trust in everything,” you groan. “i can’t even trust my video and mute button, and i need to trust those!”

kirishima grins at you as he plants a kiss on your forehead. “how ‘bout i buy you something tasty during break, huh?”

“kirishima, we’re literally broke,” you deadpan, half-joking but half speaking realistically.

“so what?” you’ve been working so hard lately, i figured that you at least deserve something as a reward.” he squeezes your shoulders from behind your seat (don’t worry, your video’s off for now :))

you raise an eyebrow. “…something?” ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

“yeah! like maybe we could go for a walk, or-” he stares at your expression before he realizes what you implied. “baby, this is a sfw blog, we’re not allowed to-”

kirishima also most definitely pulls up a chair next to you in class, even though he doesn’t even know what you’re doing. he might not be in that class, but he’ll be right next to you the whole time in case you need help

when you do need help, he peers over your shoulder and helps you solve whatever problem you have right away

the sweetheart also gives constant reassuring reminders to drink water, i LOVE HIM

but when he leaves, he also says, “study and work hard, y/n! i’ll be right here for you during break!”

he promises you a kith and a hug if you keep on striving during online classes 🥺

kirishima likes to come in during class when your video is very much on, and he peeks his head in, waves, and then smiles before heading back out of the frame

“y/n, how do you fight villains, kick butt, literally stand up for an entire school, but you still rehearse how to say here?”

“shhhhh, i’m trying-”

another scenario, “y/n, can you please answer question four?”

“sure. the book that i chose for my report was the fault in our stars by john green, which implies the message that-”

“BABY, YOU GOTTA SEE HOW LOUDLY I CAN CLAP MY HANDS IF I USE MY QUIRK-”

you mute yourself, “DON’T YOU DARE-”

he makes online school almost exciting, and he just makes everything so much more enjoyable

kirishima also takes your hand, squeezing it tightly as he kisses your knuckles. “i’ll start making lunch. good luck baby!”

3. ♨ meals and afternoon walks with eijiro ♨ 12pm-1pm

HATE YOU BREAK IT TO Y’ALL BUT EIJIRO KIRISHIMA CANNOT COOK FOR THE HECK OF IT

y’all have seen him in the training camp thing,, right??

kirishima might not be the best at cooking, but you can count on him to take you somewhere!

man knows the best places where you live, and he just about literally gets whatever you want

you guys probably leave for a walk during break at noon, and kirishima makes sure that you feel safe and comfortable around him no matter what

afternoon walks are probably the most interesting part of your day, and the way lets you put your hand in the pocket of his hoodie just- 🥺🥺

i think something that isn’t stressed enough is people who seem less vulnerable being attacked by predators, so if anyone even dares to approach you, kirishima will LITERALLY POP OFF

not like the quirk pop off-

“HEY! that wasn’t very manly of you!”

as you walk along the way, kirishima makes sure to never let go of you and make sure you feel completely safe with him

you two probably stop by a nearby restaurant and get some sort of food to-go before heading back and eating during class, but shh your teacher doesn’t have to know-

he’s such a sweetheart like honestly

kirishima makes every meal taste like 50 times better, and he makes sure that you eat and drink lots of water!

but if you’re honestly having trouble with your appetite, kirishima makes sure not to push you too hard

he holds your hand if you ever get scared, he tells a joke ease your mind a lil’ 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

eijiro makes sure that no matter what happens, he holds your hand and tells you to take it easy, but also encourages you whenever you need it

he’s so sweet, please keep him

4. ◪ crying + evening naps ◪ 5pm-7pm

crying

kirishima knows that crying is just something that’s natural, whether it’s that you’re frustrated or just feel so tired, he understands

and it’s not even like you’re having a full blown panic attack or anything. you just gotta have your daily cries, ya know?

please tell me i’m not the only one who has like scheduled daily cries-

“it’s okay, crying’s healthy for you, anyway! it’s definitely better than keeping it bottled inside you. c’mere.”

he kisses your scalp as he rocks you back and forth, occasionally wiping away a tear

kirishima reminds you that reacting some way to a bad situation is natural

“if someone was in your shoes, they’d most definitely feel that way, too! don’t feel like you’re the only one, baby, because you’re not. i’m here whenever you need me.”

after, he takes your hand and drags you to get a glass of water. “if you ever nee to cry again, you gotta stay hydrated,” he winks

he’s also so caring and soft when he sees you upset, he gives you the best cuddles as he plays with your hair. kirishima occasionally, when you’re crying, whispers in a compliment.

“your eyes are so magical.”

“you have such a beautiful smile.”

“you’re so… beautiful.”

naps

for naps, kirishima omg please jUST BE REAL FOR ONE SECOND

PLEASE HOW DID MY LIFE COME TO BEING IN LOVE WITH A COLLECTION OF PIXELS-

that beautiful, loving, emotional support shark is who i’m in love with and it’s insane

you rest your head on his chest, breathing in his scent as he places his hands around your stomach

(also kirishima would most definitely adore plus-sized people and stretch marks/acne. he loves every insecurity that people growing up may have, and that just gives me SO MUCH HOPE-)

everything is just so insanely peaceful as he has soft music playing in the background, kissing your nose and cuddling in closer with you

the blanket is directly over you, and after a long day at work, you two decide to take a break together

kirishima also most definitely makes sure to wake up earlier for the nap than you so that he could get you a cup of water

he plays with your hair and gently shakes you when you need to get back to work 🥺🥺

5. ☾ going to bed + cuddling headcanons ☽ 10pm-12am

OKAY SO I KNOW I ALREADY DID SOMETHING LIKE THIS HERE

but i literally canNOT STRESS HOW MUCH LOVE I HAVE FOR THIS INDIVIDUAL

he usually doesn’t mind if you stay up late, but as long as you take care of yourself while you’re at it, that’s completely okay!

kirishima usually likes to make sure that you have a consistent sleep schedule though, even if you look at him in the face and go,

“excuse me? sleep schedule? who’s that?”

eijiro just laughs in such a pure way before he helps you tie your hair or keep it up when you’re brushing/rinsing

while you brush your teeth though, he kinda just wraps his arms around your waist in such a gentle way 🥺🥺

he’s such a gentleman and just wants you to be happy

after, he gets you a cup of water and sits next to you on the mattress

he sometimes likes to play old rom-coms or films while cuddling next to you, or maybe some fancy lil’ disney movies

sometimes he’ll pick horror movies and say “i’m manly enough, i can take it!” and then you’re completely unfazed while kirishima SCREAMS

“b-being vulnerable is manly!”

“oh golly i love you so much.”

something i absolutely adore about kirishima is that he has so much respect for women, enby’s, whatever it is, he just wants them to feel safe and comfortable

he makes sure that it’s okay for him to wrap his arms around you, and makes sure to respect your boundaries

there’s no better place to be than in his arms when he’s wearing a hoodie and your face is rested in the crook of his neck

his chest rises and falls as he turns off the lights, and he might play some light music in the background

kirishima likes to play with your hair and makes raspberry blows into your neck aND I PERSONALLY THINK THAT’S HILARIOUSLY ADORABLE

he’ll make sure that no matter what, you feel safe and comfortable around him

you two sometimes end up having really deep conversations at like 2 am with him

for no apparent reason, you two just start talking away like it’s nothing

he holds your hand and runs his hands through your hair, before whispering comfort into your ear

“you’re so, so beautiful,”

“you have the most beautiful smile,”

“has anyone told you how nice your eyes were?”

“i love you.”

[all0nsyidjits]

Guess I'm going to out myself here just a bit. I'm a Lokean. In fact I'm a Godspouse have been since July of 2011. I came to realize who the imaginary friend I had as a kid who never really went away was via pop culture. Before you roll your eyes and dismiss me as a Marvel Loki fangirl let me explain. I didn't fall in love with Tom Hiddleston or his version of Loki. In fact a whole other fandom brought me to Loki. See I'm a fan of the show Supernatural and a favorite character was Gabriel who starts off as the Trickster then it is revealed that he is really the archangel Gabriel who skipped out of heaven and hid his true identity by pretending to be a trickster god, Loki to be exact. I wanted to write a fanfiction about Gabriel's time posing as Loki but I knew shit all about Norse mythology aside from the names of some of the Gods and Godessess. So I started researching and reading the lore and by accident stumbled across a few Lokean blogs. Shortly after Loki showed up and I proceeded to start to question my sanity. I'd gotten into Wicca in my early teens so I had some concept of Pagan deities and all things woo. Still having a god show up and just want to hang out and talk freaked me right the heck out. When he started flirting I was sure I'd completely lost my shit. Slowly he calmed me down and earned my trust. I found others who had been His for a long time and they helped me navigate this new relationship.

Then the Thor movies came out and suddenly everytime I went online there was a new Lokean Godspouse. Loki is not one to waste free PR I guess. I stayed active in the community for awhile but then the cattiness of some in the community made me decide to go solitary. Years passed I rarely missed the community. Loki and I just did our own thing. Sometimes Loki would be gone for some pretty long stretches. Still he was here and things were good.

Then 2020 happened. Look in all honesty I can be a bit of an introvert. I tend to withdraw from people if I sense to much conflict or tension. It's not so much my true nature but more a trauma response to withdraw. My childhood was well complicated. But I'm getting off track here what I mean to say is 2020 was a really shitty year for me and my family. In June I cought Covid 19 I never got all that sick, but the body aches and fatigue never quite went away. Then at the end of July my husband who is diabetic and has neuropathy stepped on a tac and ended up with MRSA. He nearly lost his foot and could have died. He was hospitalized for a month and out of work for three. I worked myself to a frazzle. At one point I had three jobs and was on the clock for 23 hours and 45 minutes one day. I was headed for a breakdown. My husband physically seemed to be on the mend, but his personality was no longer the kind, easygoing affectionate, man I had known for nearly twenty years. Then came the suicide attempt. Like I said it's been a rough since about this time last year.

When my husband made the suicide attempt Loki showed back up worried about both of us. Loki and my mortal husband know about each other. They like each other so please nobody suggest that Loki is trying to get rid of my mortal husband. When we married the priestess who married us was well aware that Loki was part of the ceremony and that I was marrying the both of them. We've been happily married and Loki always felt like I would be okay during his absences because I had someone else that he trusted there with me.

At first Loki tried to be my distraction from all the stress, he's really good at that. Then Loki started to worry I worried about mortal hubby and Loki worried about me. Many pleas to slow down before I had a breakdown too and Loki finally put his foot down I had to learn to say no and I had to take care of me if I was going to take care of anybody else. Finally the tears and the exhaustion came after my husband told a lie that made me look like a very bad person. My mother-in-law went off on me I had been up for three days with only about four hours sleep and those weren't even consecutive hours and I was reduced to a sobbing mess. Like so many times before Loki was there to catch me He let me cry, He let me rage, when the worst had passed I looked at Him.

"So I guess being the God of change you're going to tell me to throw away twenty years of my life and file for divorce." I asked.

"Oh you think you know me so well Little One." Even at a such a solemn moment Loki can't resist using an old nickname from back in my childhood when he was the imaginary friend who took me on wild adventures far away from whatever was going on at home at the time. It had went from term of affection for a child he had chosen to protect to a teasing dig at my 5'3 height compared to well all of Them.

"Well aren't you?" I asked.

"Little one besides being the God of Change what else am I?" I start to rattle off titles and associations.

No let me rephrase that Little One who am I married to who are my Wives his voice somehow conveying the capital W that lets me know it is Sigyn and Angrboda he speaks of.

"Sigyn and Angrboda" I say.

And what Little one is my precious Sigyn the Goddess of?

Fidelity I answer and then it hits me She had stuck by Him through far worse.

So I'm here I'm staying but there are days when I just wish I had someone to talk to. Someone human.

This year has been hard the isolation brought on by Covid 19 precautions is wearing on everyone in one way or another I think. Add to that the fact that I live in a very rural, very Conservative Christian area where I have to hide my witchy ways. Knowing full well just how many people in my life would utterly abandon me if they knew about Loki and my true beliefs. I can't talk about Him to well anyone besides my oldest and there are things about being a godspouse you wouldn't want to discuss with your kid. I used to have my husband but now talking to him about the most mundane things is a cross between walking on eggshells and navigating a mine field. I got lonely, really lonely.

Against my better judgement I decided to dip my toe back into the Lokean Community after walking away from all the groups, blogs, message boards ect in about 2013. So about 7 years as a solitary Lokean witch and I was ready to test the waters again.

I found a Lokean on social media (I don't want to draw any negative attention to this person because they are doing a fantastic job with what they are doing) so much of what they were saying resonated with me and I wanted to talk. Hey maybe I could make a friend. I commented maybe a bit too much. I meant no harm I was just excited to talk to someone after so long keeping it all to myself. Well that went spectacularly wrong and I ended up with someone who I'm pretty sure thinks of me as a rival or an enemy now. Loki being Loki was quick to remind me that my ramblings don't offend everyone. I had commented on a completely unrelated post about Him a few days earlier and within hours of the well I fucked up incident I'm reading a post by someone thanking me for talking about how I experience Loki because it resonated with them an affirmed a few things.

Then Loki was like I want you to start talking about me. I want you to rejoin the community. I was like oh hell to the no. Well you can see who won that argument. So here I am hoping I don't come to regret this.

[paintmelikeoneofyourfrenchpoodle]

((Alright, so this is probably way overdo.

Why the heck Jade gets so weird about sex sometimes:

Alright, so this is going to be a little ridiculously long, but if you want to know? I’m putting it under the cut. Also, TW: there is a brief mention of abuse. Not of her, but its relevant. I’ll also put another warning when that part is about to come up. 

Okay so, I’m going to start of with some context. So for anyone who might not know, this Jade is pretty old. I started rping her as her back in… I think late December of 2015 or early January of 2016? Either way, it was a few months before Homestuck actually ended. At this point obviously we had no idea how it was going to end, or what was going to happen to the characters at that point. Heck, if I remember correctly GIGAPAUSE, or whatever it was called, was still going on.

Anyway, didn’t know they were going basically jump start civilization and jump into the future, that’s for sure. So, not knowing how things were going to turn out for Jadey girl here, I basically made some educated guesses based on what we knew at the time, and mixed in my own ideas and head-canons to create the timeline this Jade now exists in. This included the loss of the meteor lab, building a new civilization from the ground up (and actually sticking around to help build it), and having everyone live in a fairly small, tight knit community. Mind you, some minor things have changed to reflect the retcon John did, but mostly I’ve kept things fairly the same.

So what does this mean for Jade or have anything to do with her sexuality? We’ll get to that, but I’m going to prelude things by saying it isn’t just sex she gets worked up about. It’s relationships and intimacy in general, and there isn’t really one set reason why. There is a gosh darn list.

1) She doesn’t have the best social skills. Growing up on an island with the only human contact being through the internet isn’t exactly the best way to nurture healthy emotional development. To top it all off, she spent those 3 years on the ship basically alone thinking she killed John and Davesprite. She isn’t a complete social ignoramus obviously, but she has her awkward moments and she KNOWS it. Which, can give her some major social anxiety in general. And as far as relationships, even friendships go, she is constantly worried she is going to screw things up. She also just wasn’t used to people in general for a good while. 

Mind you, it’s almost been 10 years since the end of the game now from her perspective so she has improved drastically, but there are still some hangups that she has. For example, she doesn’t handle crowds well considering she was so used to being alone. Can Town is full mostly people she is familiar with and the population is only 1,000ish, so she is mostly in her comfort zone still even during busier occasions. However, notice Jake and her chose to move outside of town when they got the chance? There you go. 

2) She isn’t used to physical touch. Which… is really sad considering how much she actually loves it. Again, this is something that has improved over the years, but she still doesn’t like being messed with by people she doesn’t know.

3) She honestly thinks that in the end she will end up alone. Jade, hasn’t exactly had the best luck with romance. Remember, her timeline is fairly small, and pretty much everyone she might be compatible with already paired up with someone else. To top it off, she had (and still kind of has) a massive crush on her timeline’s Dave, and built up a lot of false hope that something might eventually happen between the two of them thanks to John telling her about Davesprite and Davepeta kissing her that one time. Yeah, that didn’t happen. He ended up getting with Karkat finally when they were around 22, and while she is happy for them and supports them in any way she can, it kind of broke her heart. 

She also hasn’t had the best luck with people she’s been interested in online/from other timelines either. Usually, by the time she realizes she might be interested in someone they end vanishing, dating someone else, or they actually… end up being kinda awful people she shouldn’t have liked in the first place. (*cough*Venom*cough*) Also, she has a habit of dwelling on the whole “space players are destined to be alone” thing from time to time. Over the years she has genuinely started to think that she just isn't cut out for being anyones partner romantic/sexual/otherwise, and that people aren’t ever going to be interested in her for whatever reason. She’s built up this shell around herself, this illusion that she has come to terms with things, so that when that eventuality happens, she’ll maybe not be hurt so badly. So when someone shatters that illusion? She panics and gets flustered, and remember… she is related to these guys:

(Mind you Jake had plenty of reason to act like that, but it was the only one I could find with a quick google search.)

But yeah, I think big reactions kind of runs in her family.

4) She’s inexperienced. Three times as of this point. Yep. Thats it. That’s all she has done. Ever. Don’t get her wrong, she has really enjoyed it and really gets into things once she was able to get over the jitters. Plus, she was the one that asked for it each time. But she doesn’t like not knowing what she is doing, and it wigs her out because she doesn’t want to mess things up. Also fun fact, she’s never been on a non pale date before. Just throwing that in there.

5) The whole being part dog thing. As much as she loves being part canine, she actually can be real self conscious about it at times. Also, she *hates* how people will sometimes look at her as a fetish, and gets worried that if someone is interested in her its because she is a dog girl, and not because of who she is. She does enjoy indulging in her dog side (girl likes being pet), but she wants to make sure someone to see her as herself first and foremost. Being part dog should just be a bonus.

6) She’s a bit of a hopeless romantic. She wants to actually have a connection with people, and honestly is that so wrong? One night stands, flings, or casual whatevers aren’t completely out of the question, but at least give her a chance to be friends with you first geez. 7) She’s scared of being hurt. This is kind of caused by a combination of things up top, but she genuinely is afraid of the idea of being fucked and dumped. She’s got enough emotional issues as is, and does not need that on her conscious as well. Getting intimate with her in any way can take a lot of trust depending on the person. Additionally… 

*Okay, so here is the part I warned about up top.* She has had far too many friends who have been taken advantage of and abused. There have been several people that she has been close to over the years that have been seriously messed up by their partners. Jade’s smart and she knows it, but she also knows she can be really naive about certain things as well. It’s kind of the cherry on top of all her paranoia.

Okay bad part over

So yeah! This is ridiculously long, but there you go. I feel like it is important to note that Jade does really enjoy being with someone intimately and/or sexually given the chance. It just can take some work getting her out of her shell. It’s something she knows she needs to work on, and would like to. However, she hasn’t really ever had many opportunities to.

Also, her behaviors really only apply to herself for the most part. She might get a little embarrassed by other people talking about their own stuff from time to time, but she actually can get a real kick out of it sometimes as well. Has been known to have lengthy conversations with people about their own preferences, sexual interests, habits, ect. She will even tease other people about it! It’s when it gets flipped back on her somehow that she starts getting worked up. Heck, she is normally fine with people getting her flustered because she *knows* a lot of her own behavior is ridiculous, and that when people pick at her it is usually harmless friend banter.  She also usually knows when people are being truly malicious towards her and WILL defend herself. Don’t think she is a pushover just because she looks like she is an easy target. This girl has some bite alongside that bark.

Anyway, there is probably some more I could add to this but again it is stupid long at this point. I hope this isn’t too confusing and explains a few things.

[thegingerpowers]

Why do online Doms play with subs feelings? They entice them with their words and posts! Yet they aren’t like that really. They manipulate. Make you believe. you end up trusting them. For them to tell say they are playing! You have a play session what do they do? They leave straight after. No after care! Because it was online does that not effect a sub? Forget sub space it’s more like sub drop! Is a sub not allowed aftercare because it’s online? Then GHOSTED like you never existed

online or RL.. he’s not a dom.. he’s a fucktard.. 

 That being said, subs have to be very careful before we put ourselves out there. Vet your potential partner as much as possible before taking part in any play. Never rush into play with anyone. No matter what they say. And definitely pay attention to any red flags that pop up in your consciousness. Heck, as far as I’m concerned they need to show you a copy of their driver’s license while they are holding it up next to their face during skype. Do a simple google search to at least make sure they aren’t a complete loon. And online you can always ask around to the other subs. Maybe they know of him. Bottom line, we have to take responsibility for ourselves before we can offer the job to anyone else.  

Very sorry if this has happened to you. It wasn’t right and now we can all assist you in helping him rot in obscurity if you share his name in your personal circles. 

[arc852]

Not Your Average Coffee Shop AU

Warnings: (Look in the tags for the warnings! I don’t want to spoil anything so I’m not putting it here).

Summary: Virgil workes at Starbucks when an interesting customer comes in. They strike up a friendship.

_______________________________________________________

 Virgil had been cleaning the same spot on the counter for the last ten minutes now. He glanced at the clock and mentally groaned as he realized he still had another two hours to go. It wouldn’t be so bad if it wasn’t so slow.

 But it did make sense. After all, who would want a coffee at 7 o’clock at night?

 Virgil heard the familiar jingle of the door and turned to greet the customer. He paused slightly, taking in the appearance of the man. He was definitely a new customer, Virgil having never seen him before. He wore a black polo and a pair of glasses. He looked like a teacher if Virgil was being honest. 

 “Hi, welcome to Starbucks, what can I get for you today?” Virgil recited, trying not to sound as bored as he felt. The man looked up at the menu, eyebrows furrowed.

 “I am...not actually sure.” Virgil looked from his screen to the man. Unlike other customers, who he would be annoyed with, this man actually looked genuinely confused.

 “Is this your first time coming to a Starbucks?” Virgil asked, raising a brow. The man looked at him and cleared his throat sheepishly. 

 “Actually, this would be my first time having...coffee. In general.” The man admitted. Virgil’s eyes widened. This guy, who couldn’t be older than Virgil himself, had never had coffee.

 “Well, I could always give you what I think you would like. If-If that would be okay?” Virgil asked, rubbing the back of his neck. The man’s eyes widened slightly and he nodded.

 “Actually, that would be great. Thank you…” He glanced down at Virgil’s nametag. “Virgil. How much do I-”

 “Oh no, it’s on the house.” Virgil cut him off, already sliding over to the bar to start making the drink. “You know, just in case you don’t like it.” The man blinked but gave Virgil a small smile.

 “Thank you, that is very kind of you.” Virgil shrugged and finished making the drink. He was nervous as he handed it to the man over at the handoff plane. The man took it, sipping it slowly. The man’s eyes lit up.

 “This is quite good.” The man said, after taking another sip. He looked back up at Virgil. “What is it?” 

 “It’s a White Mocha with 1 pump of regular mocha and caramel drizzle.” Virgil shrugged, looking away slightly. “You seemed like the type of person who likes sweet things but never gets them.” The man blinked before a small smirk appeared.

 “That is actually very accurate. I’m impressed.”  He looked like he wanted to say more but his watch beeped. He looked down at it with a frown. “Unfortunately, I must take my leave. Thank you again, Virgil...I hope to see you again.” And with that, the man left the store. Virgil watched the man go, hoping that he would see the man again.

 But for now, he had some dishes to wash.

***

 The man ended up coming again and several more times in fact. Virgil had come to learn the man’s name was Logan and at this point, Virgil could probably consider him a regular. It was about two weeks after their first meeting that a bit more than greetings started.

 “Hey Logan, your usual?” Virgil said, already typing in the order. Logan nodded, pulling out his wallet. As Logan paid, he seemed to look over Virgil.

 “I don’t mean to pry but what do you do Virgil? Outside of work, I mean?” Logan asked suddenly, causing Virgil to pause.

 “Oh, uh...I mean, nothing much really. I go to college online and work and that’s...basically it.” Virgil winced. He sounded pathetic when he put it like that. Virgil moved over to the bar and started to make the drink. Logan slid over as well to continue talking.

 “Interesting.” Was all Logan said. Which was probably him just being polite, because Virgil was not interesting. 

 “What about you? What do you do outside of getting coffee every day?” The barista asked as he handed the drink over. Logan hummed in thought as he took a sip.

 “I...work from home, I guess you could say.” He took another sip. “I actually just moved here a couple of weeks ago. Things are definitely a lot different here.” Virgil smiled, glancing towards the front to make sure he didn’t have anyone.

 “That’s cool, working from home I mean. Where did you move from?” Virgil watched as Logan’s eyebrows furrowed, as if he was suddenly in deep thought.

 “Well-” The door dinged and Virgil looked to see a few people coming up towards the front. He sighed.

 “Sorry Logan, but I gotta go. Duty calls and all that.” Logan nodded and Virgil went to ring up the new customers. When he had the chance to look back towards the hand out plane, Logan was gone.

***

 It was another two weeks after that when Logan asked him something that threw him off guard.

 “Would you like to go to lunch with me sometime?” Logan asked, completely serious and it caused Virgil to stutter.

 “W-What?” He asked, hand lowering from the screen. Logan adjusted his glasses.

 “Sorry for the bluntness. It’s just, I have been enjoying our conversations. And was wondering if you would be willing to join me in a setting where we wouldn’t be interrupted?” Logan asked again and slowly Virgil found it head nodding.

 “Um, yeah, yeah that sounds great,” Virgil said, smiling a little. Logan nodded, returning the smile.

 “Great. How does lunch at that diner around the corner sound?” Logan asked and Virgil nodded as he finally finished typing in Logan’s order.

 “Yeah, I can do tomorrow if that works for you?” Logan smiled as he handed over his money.

 “Sounds perfect.”

***

 They sat down for lunch, Virgil feeling a little weird seeing Logan outside of work. But he couldn’t deny that he was looking forward to getting to know more about the man.

 “So, Virgil.” Logan started, pushing his food around with a fork. “I can’t help but notice that we may be the same age?” Logan asked and Virgil hummed.

 “Well, I’m 22,” Virgil answered with a shrug. Logan nodded and took a bite of his food. He had gotten a caesar salad with chicken.

 “I’m 24, so fairly close I would say.” Virgil was glad to know he was right. “Do you live at home then? Or with roommates?” Virgil shook his head.

 “Nah, I live alone. It’s a little crappy, but it’s mine.” Virgil suddenly looked down. “I uh...my family isn’t the greatest. And I don’t exactly have...friends.” Virgil winced. Why was he telling Logan this? The man was going to think he was so pathetic.

 “I’m sorry to hear that but it is admirable that you have managed to live on your own. That is not an easy feat.” Or not. Virgil sent Logan a shy smile and Logan returned it. “I live on my own as well, though I will admit I have some help with the payments.” Virgil nodded, that was understandable. 

 After that, they fell into a nice steady conversation. Talking about their lives and their pasts. Virgil was sure he had never told anyone so much about him. But Logan...he just felt like he could trust Logan. 

 Near the end of their little lunch hangout, Logan leaned in closer, locking eyes with him. “You are very fascinating Virgil.” Virgil blinked, taken aback a little. 

 “Oh uh...thanks.” Not long after that, the two parted ways.

***

 They started having lunch dates at least twice a week. It was fun, the highlights of Virgil’s week if he was being honest. Was this what it was like to have a friend? Virgil was beginning to suspect so. 

 During one lunch date that happened to be at the same diner from their first, Logan brought up something different once again. 

 “I was wondering if, for our next lunch, we could have it at my place?” Logan asked. Virgil hummed in thought but honestly, he didn’t have to think too hard. He nodded. 

 “Yeah, that sounds like fun.” And that’s what brought him here, in his car and listening to his phone for the directions to Logan’s place. He made a right turn before pulling into the fourth driveway as stated by google maps. He got out of the car and looked at the house. Man, it was nice. He was glad Logan had suggested his place and not Virgil’s.

 Virgil came up to the front door and knocked. He waited a few moments before he heard a voice from inside. “It’s open!” Logan called out, voice faint. Virgil smiled and opened the door.

 A bright flash of light filled his vision and then nothing.

***

 Virgil groaned as he felt himself starting to wake up. What had happened? He weakly moved his hands closer to him, taking notice of the cold metal below, and pushed his head up. From his position, all he could see what a slick metallic wall. Virgil’s eyebrows furrowed. Where on earth was he? 

 The last thing he remembers was going to Logan’s place. He made it to the door but then...nothing. His mind just goes blank. Did he pass out? Where was Logan?

 “Yes, the target has been acquired.” A voice spoke out suddenly, much louder than it should be. It was also...familiar. 

 “Logan?” He groaned out and he started to move himself up slowly. Whatever had happened to him, he was still feeling the effects of.

 “It shouldn’t be too much longer now. I’ve just passed the belt, so it should be clear from here on out.” The more the voice talked, the more Virgil knew it was Logan. But what the heck was he talking about? And why wasn’t he helping him? 

 Virgil finally managed to move into a sitting position.

 “Oh...I must go now. Vir-I mean, the subject has woken up.” Virgil heard a click sound and, strangely, he felt the floor rumble a little. As if a small earthquake was happening…

 A shadow fell over him and Virgil finally turned his head to the right, now noticing the giant window. The most important thing he saw, however, was behind the window.

 A giant. 

 And one that happened to look just like Logan.

 “Hello, Virgil.” Holy crap it was Logan. But it didn’t make any sense. None of this was making any sense. He scooted back until his back was pressed against the opposite wall. “I am sure you are quite confused.” Virgil found himself nodding.

 “W-What is happening? Why are-why are you…? Where am…?” Virgil found he couldn’t get it out. Logan sighed.

 “Things will be clear quite soon. But just know that no harm will come to you.” Logan looked away for a moment. “I am very sorry about all this. But you happened to catch my attention and well...I was not lying when I told you I found you fascinating.” Virgil felt himself pale at that, remembering when Logan had said that to him. 

 “L-Logan…?” Virgil practically whimpered, scared out of his mind. “Please...what-what is happening…? Why…?” Logan looked at him sadly.

 “I suppose it would be better if I showed you.” Logan stood up and pressed something to the right of where Virgil was. And then Virgil watched in horror as the glass window opened up. He screamed when he saw a hand start to reach in for him.

 He tried pressing himself into the corner but it was no use. Logan’s hand easily wrapped around his body. The feeling sent chills running up and down his spine and he immediately started to struggle.

 “Please calm down Virgil.” He heard Logan say but Virgil didn’t stop. Tears started falling down his face.

 “Let me go!” Virgil yelled. He had no idea what was going on but he wanted out. He was lifted out of the room and into the open. Virgil’s eyes were shut tight, too scared to see what layout before him. He felt Logan start to walk, taking him somewhere before stopping fairly quickly. A second of silence went by, only broken by Virgil’s shortened breaths.

 “Virgil, open your eyes.” Virgil didn’t want to but he knew he had to eventually. It wasn’t helping him at all, not being able to see. So, ever so slowly, he opened them.

 His struggles ceased.

 Logan had stopped near a window. A window that showed him the night sky...all around them. Literally, everywhere he looked, he only saw darkness and stars. Below, above, to the left and right and straight ahead. They were...in space.

 “I was sent to Earth on a mission to learn as much as I could. I was sent with a cloaking device that shrunk me down to a human’s average height.” Logan held up his free hand and Virgil’s eyes were drawn towards the watch on his wrist. “Technically, it was to be a simple observational mission. I was to live as a human for a month or two and take notes on the things that I saw...but then I met you.” Virgil tensed as the hand holding him moved up and turned so he was now face to face with the giant alien. He cowered.

 “You were just so...interesting. I couldn’t place why but the more I talked with you and got to know you, I knew I would not be able to leave you behind.” Logan sighed and turned away from the window, letting Virgil get a good look at where he was. Which he now assumed was inside a spaceship. All Virgil could take in at the moment was that a lot of hi-tech stuff was going on and that it was very, very big.

 “So I spoke with my superiors and got the clearance to take you with me.” Logan looked back down at Virgil. “And so here we are.” Virgil could only stare wide-eyed at Logan. 

 “What-What’s going to happen to me?” Virgil stuttered out. He hadn’t resumed his struggles, knowing it was pointless. Logan stopped and thought for a moment.

 “Well, my superiors made it quite clear that you would be my problem. So, I am not sure. Though I have already said, you will not be harmed.” Logan could say that all he wanted, it didn’t make Virgil believe it anymore. 

 A couple of beeps sounded from the main screen and Logan looked over at it. “It looks like we’ve entered the atmosphere, I’ll need to take the ship off of autopilot here soon.” He looked sadly at Virgil before going back over to where Virgil had woken up. Now that Virgil was looking, he could see that the mini room was embedded into the wall.

 He was placed back into the room, the window door quickly shutting behind him. He watched as Logan walked back to the computer and took a seat before proceeding to push several buttons.

 Virgil sat in the corner, curling in on himself. 

 As his tears fell, he couldn’t help but wonder why.

[inanawesomewave]

FIRST THING I NOTICE IN A POTENTIAL PARTNER? THE AUDACITY.

Hi, me again, and today I’m here to talk to you about dismissive/avoidant attachment style. Get comfortable and steel yourself, because if you have this attachment style, I’m about to make you feel very seen, and this is only because I had to endure this recently when I was bored and idly doing online quizzes about my own brain because I might not be able to emote healthily, but I sure as heck can over-intellectualise the feelings I should be having whilst I’m distracting myself by doing online quizzes instead. 

Attachment Theory was formulated and popularised in 1958 by psychoanalyst John Bowby, and supposes that the first attachments we make (with whoever our caregivers may be) will form the blueprint of the attachments we do or don’t form over the course of our adult lives. My therapist said to me that these attachments begin to be cemented into us when we are pre-verbal, and I thought - well that can’t be right, but sure enough before we can speak we are of course seeking attention and affection from our caregivers with smiling, crying, babbling, cooing, clinging, following etc, and how those behaviours have been responded to will tell us how we should or shouldn’t attempt to attach to others. It’s worth reading up on, if you’re interested in that kind of thing, and I recommend the Strange Situation Experiment in which attachment theory was explored in infants depending on how they responded to being with a parent, without a parent, with a stranger, and alone. 

So when I was doing all these online quizzes, I learned a bunch about myself. Did you know I have lots of dark triad traits? That I might be a narcissist? That I am possibly a sociopath? I know, news to me too. I had to sit down. I also learned that if I were a tyrant I would be Col. Gaddafi, and that i have more masculine traits than feminine ones. I have an oral-aggressive personality type, and also: I have a dismissive/avoidant attachment style. And that’s what I want to talk about today, because if you’re reading this blog, you possibly either have it or you care about someone who does. 

Dismissive/avoidant types typically grew up without a secure base of safety at home. We had to meet our own emotional needs because it was more reliable and less painful than repeated rejection from our caregiver, and we have disconnected from our own needs for closeness as a means to avoid the shame of feeling dependent on anyone but ourselves. I relate to this hugely, and now I know what my attachment style is, I can pinpoint exactly where I have gone wrong in my close relationships, and why I find it hard even now to really get close to anyone. So, what are some things a dismissive/avoidant person might do? I’ve made a list of mine, and I’ll talk you through some examples. I hope this will help you understand yourself, or the sociopath in your life who seems to be extremely stubborn when it comes to guarding their own love in a miserly way. No judgement: I am that miser. 

I will undervalue the importance of anyone’s feelings but my own. I accept I have a complex emotional world, I just don’t find it very easy to access it, communicate it, or assume anyone else has it. Maybe this was because my mother was very cold and emotionally insincere, or maybe it’s because I was always told I was, but that’s the truth. Yes, it’s selfish, but it’s how I’ve always gone about things. Example: arguments in which I rant about my feelings being ignored or dismissed whilst, you guessed it, I refuse to address the emotions of the person who is currently being told how my emotions are being dismissed in quite a heavy-handed way. Not cool.

I have very little space in my emotional world, and I therefore expect perfection in that space. I live by a secret code of etiquettes and ethics that for some reason I have forgotten to tell anyone else about because I had thought for a long time that the way I thought was normal. I thought everyone had these standards that I have, but really they’ve been tricks and pitfalls that partners have fallen down. It’s never been intentional, I just think that things are done a proper way and a wrong way; acceptable or unacceptable. I didn’t realise this for a long time, but I am really good at enforcing what I believe is acceptable, in a wholly unacceptable way. This is why I nitpick and find faults in others, it’s a good way to keep someone at arm’s length. 

I say I don’t want commitment whilst silently fully committing to someone without ever letting them know. I have refused to move in with a partner until I have had nowhere else to live and it was the only option left. I had a fiancee who proposed to me four times before he got a yes. I wanted to say yes the first time but I didn’t. Why? I didn’t want him to get too close. It felt like an invasion. Traditionally, when I enter a relationship, I’m the asshole who says, “look, it is what it is, yeah?”. I’ll talk about my disdain of marriage and cohabiting, and then I’ll casually move in and tell you it’s purely logistical. I will be with you for years, maybe a lifetime, and I’ll act completely like this all happened because of chance and circumstance. I will even believe this myself. 

I don’t really want to share my feelings with you. I don’t know what they are, I don’t know how you’ll react, I don’t know how they’ll come out and I don’t know what you’ll do with them. It’s much easier and safer for me to keep it all in and then just blow up when you haven’t secretly guessed what they are. You had to guess because I couldn’t tell you, because I didn’t know. You think I’m disconnected from you? You should hear how disconnected I am from my own self. 

I will dwell on the past instead of focussing on the future.  The future hasn’t happened and I don’t know what it holds. The past is concrete; I have lived it and learned from it. Normally what I’ve learned (perhaps wrongly, because of our old friend confirmation bias) is that all my fears and suspicions are correct and nobody can be trusted. That’s solid, I can take that to the bank. I will very much live in the past where we were briefly unhappy instead of looking to a future where we could be endlessly in love because it feels unrealistic to me -- love feels unrealistic to me. 

I’m much better at sexual closeness than emotional closeness. The sex will come first, then the feelings, perhaps. You wanna bone down? Nice. Me too. Do you have any fantasies you never explored before? I bet I know what they are, and I bet I’m into it because there’s a reason I sought you out. I could sense it. I want to never get out of bed, I want to do all of it all the time. For some reason it is much easier for me to feel extremely close and connected to you whilst we are having sex than it is moments later when you are lying next to me wanting to cuddle. I have a healthy relationship to sex, let me be clear -- I’ve always felt perfectly fulfilled in casual set-ups, even one-night-stands. Early on in relationships we’ll do it all. Our relationship will survive for a very long time if the sexual connection is good, even if the emotional one is a shit-show. This is a closeness I feel safe with. Find another time to tell me you love me. You probably don’t even mean it, is what I’m thinking. By this point I’ve fooled myself that you’re in some kind of sex-trance, that I’ve merely fucked you into a relationship you didn’t want to be in. So I’ll tell you that you’re free to leave. I’m told this is hurtful, because if you’ve developed feelings for me, I never saw that coming. I promise. In fact, when I’ve had my “first times” with people I know I might end up loving, I’ve had to be some level of drunk. Not blind drunk, but enough to ease my nerves. I can’t be sober in that environment, I need Dutch courage. And, once the sex disappears on any level, I’ll begin to pull away completely because after that, I begin to believe we are merely friends, and if we are merely friends, then what’s even the point? 

I will sabotage a relationship when vulnerability is required of me. This one is quite standard and kind of explains itself. When I find I’m getting very close to someone, when talks need to be had, I make a lot of jokes and when the jokes run out or the person I’m having this intimacy with isn’t laughing, I’ll just dip out in any way I can, and it’s much easier for me to frame myself as the villain because then you’ll hate me and that’s a good job done -- if you hate me, you won’t want to get anywhere near me ever again. I’ll get drunk and say awful things, or I’ll stay out with my friends all night, or stop answering the phone. For this same reason, I don’t tend to love personal displays of affection because then I’m being vulnerable with you in front of everyone. Again, I don’t think any of this is warranted, and I’m not making excuses. I’m just explaining. 

I am prone to pining after a partner I have already discarded and have inexplicably begun to idealise. Okay, this is a very hard one to write but I’m going to just write it and I’m going to give an explanation from a personal experience I had that I regret and do feel remorseful about.  I used to date someone I fell in love with. He was the first person I’d ever really felt immediately attracted to, someone I could identify very quickly that I was in love with, and that hadn’t happened to me before. I had been in two very long, very serious relationships before him, with people I never felt especially close to. They were a fine example of what they describe as “parasitic lifestyle” in the DSM-V criteria for ASPD: it’s not that I didn’t care about them, but the benefits outweighed the costs - they gave me a place to live when I had nowhere to go and gave me the basic affection I craved. But they both felt like some kind of arrangement after not very long, and whilst I did initially care, I stopped caring, but didn’t leave. I had nowhere else to go so I played the part. It’s worth mentioning too that the first person turned out to be horribly abusive.  Then this new man crashed into my life and he was everything I didn’t know I wanted. Our connection was immediate and he had very real, very sincere love for me that he had no issues whatsoever communicating. He’d write me poetry and songs, he was happy to slip into a submissive role completely consensually as I took the dominant role. On paper and in life, it was perfect.  We broke up a few times and the first time was because... I can’t explain it. I was head over heels in love with him so one morning when we woke up together after a night of cuddling and talking and laughing, I asked him to leave and not come back. I feel pained about this on reflection, because I remember the look on his face. He left. He got drunk. He drunk-called me. His brother reached out to me. His friends started looking at me with contempt because I had hurt someone they really cared about just months after he told them how happily in love with someone he was with someone he felt was perfect for him, and after I had been making it known that I felt the same. I just told him to leave, and he did, and for whatever dumb reason, he came back. And we were happy again, for a time.  He ended up sleeping with someone else after about a year of me doing everything to push him as far away from me as possible on an entirely subconscious level, because I really thought at the time that we were vibing really well. I know the night he did it, and it was the night I told him to leave me the fuck alone and never speak to me again after an argument that we were both raging through (I’m not going to pretend he wasn’t also without his demons, it’s why we were attracted to each-other, after all), the argument was specifically to do with my tendency to push him away after all he’d done for me. And he was right, completely. He’d done a lot for me. And for some reason, I had a massive problem with that. I had become suspicious to the point of paranoia, accusing him of all sorts. I remember telling him how stifled and suffocated I felt, I wanted to know why he was moving so fast (and was he? Really? No, not at all). So, after a long weekend of yelling and crying and frustration and “is this the end?” talks, it reached a peak and I told him to just get the fuck out of my face and stop with all this pressure and bullshit. He went out. He got blind drunk. He fucked someone else. And that still somehow came as a surprise to me, after all, the sex was non-stop, so what could we possibly have had to really worry about? But he had a point when he said I was talking fucking nonsense with all this talk of being stifled. Because when I ended up moving in with him, he gave me my own room because he understood my need for solitude. We would spend most nights together but sometimes I’d need to slope off to my own space, he was seemingly fine about it. When he drove me places I would sit in the passenger seat sometimes on the phone, sometimes just listening to my music with my earphones in. He understood. He said he knew I was an anxious person. I’d sit there ignoring him and occasionally letting him know I was still there with a smile and he’d smile back. Sometimes when we went out walking to the shop or whatever, I felt I had to walk a little bit in front or behind. Not because I didn’t want to be close to him, but I was falling so hard for him that I needed to protect myself via isolation and any desperate grabs for independence I could find. We argued a lot. I started most of those arguments, and sometimes when he fought with me out of sheer frustration, I saw this as petulance and dismissed it completely. When he did cheat, I felt heartboken, but weirdly vindicated in walking away. This was the break I needed from loving and being loved. We broke up for good this time, and what followed was two years of me and him sneaking around behind future partners’ backs to continue sleeping together. And here’s the kicker -- when we were no longer in a relationship and merely having affairs together, I had no issues whatsoever telling him how much I loved him and how much I wanted to be a positive influence in his life, help him through his own neuroses, hold his hand through his own mental health struggles, care for him and protect him. So long as we had this casual relationship, I could finally reveal to him how I felt. I ended up in a terrible relationship after him and I was much happier staying in that terrible relationship with someone who also was very avoidant (though he was also fearful, so had bouts of clinginess and neediness whereas I was more likely to run away). In fact, the person I ended up settling with was also high-key abusive, but so long as I had my ex to run to, I didn’t mind. I had my cake and ate it too -- I had the fucked up security of settling down with someone completely inappropriate, and the escape route of sleeping with someone I was absolutely crazy about. And whenever he, the real love in my life, asked me if we could start again, I was able to play my trump card, the thing that got me out of the commitment: you cheated on me. It was almost too perfect, that I had this perfect excuse to never get close to him again and, in doing so, I could be as close to him as I liked. He took this opportunity too, and we just went on being in love for another two years. We’d go away together, talk about our future, name our kids, plan the wedding we were never going to have. I proposed to him when I was dating someone else. He said he couldn’t take that offer if I wasn’t going to be with him (which is... extremely reasonable). I saw this as another vindication: aha! You just rejected me! I NEVER have to commit EVER AGAIN! And what did I do when everything went to the shit? I idealised him. I pined. My God, I lived in my memories. I never stopped thinking about him. I wrote a fucking book about how much I loved him and had it published. My biggest writing credit to date, dedicated to this one person. This weird bout of romanticism I suddenly had for someone I had spent years pushing away and, someone who inexplicably took this pushing away for what it was. He’d even say things to me like, “why are you so frightened of loving someone?”, “why won’t you just let me love you?”, “what happened to you?”, “what can I do to support you?”. He understood the small things, like the time he wanted to take me away for the weekend and said to me: “I’m just going to leave you in charge of planning where we go to eat for all the meals” because he knew I needed to have that control and he was fine with it, and when I was endlessly boring the hell out of him thinking out aloud about why this restaurant would be good but this one would be bad and this one doesn’t have a menu available online and this one is okay but it’s too far from the hotel and all of that relentless, constant meaningless babble revolving around ultimate control, he just laughed and said: “I’m being patient with you because I understand you”. And he did. And I loved that. And sure enough, I hated that. Time to do something unpredictable, probably. And the wily fucker always saw it coming. The burden of reciprocated understanding, love and patience, right? What a bother. 

*heavy sigh*

And I hinged on this lost love for a long time. It felt like pain, it felt like a void. I felt like, with him gone, I might never love again. In my head we’d had this windswept romance that never faltered. I seemed to forget all about the non-stop arguments, I began to understand his infidelity, I excused it, I loved it, I loved him unconditionally once it had all crashed and burned to the ground. So then why did I love him this much after it was all over? So I could continue this cycle of dismissiveness and avoidance. If I was in love with the past, I’d never need to love anyone ever again or let anyone love me. I could resign myself to a lost history and refuse to get close on the grounds of being hung up with my emotional baggage. I used the disaster of that relationship to sabotage future attempts at closeness. I used him as the benchmark to how lovers in future should treat me -- with what, a masochistic acceptance of my push-and-pull approach? It’s terrible, and I hate it. But that’s how that went down. I think a lot about the love I gave to him in spades right before it all went away, and whilst I know in my heart he knew that I really did love him, I will never stop regretting that I didn’t just make it easier on us both.  *** I know deep down that my mistrust and disdain for personal relationships, romantic or otherwise, is borne of a fear that I don’t truly believe my own needs are worthwhile or even real. I find myself doing it with friendships, I get close to someone and in my head I start finding fault with them, and I have to stop and ask myself: has this person really done anything that bad, or am I looking for excuses to just not like them? And why am I doing that? Is it because yet again I pride my solitude over anything else in the world? Because my inner monologue is always going crazy with thoughts such as: you don’t actually need anybody, where has needing anybody ever got you before? You’ve got to protect yourself, nobody else will do it for you. Keep some of yourself to yourself, it’s unwise to share who you are with anyone. If you get too involved you will end up disappointed. And, whilst we’re on it, why is this person demanding all my time and energy? What’s wrong with them? What’s their game? I don’t love me, so why do they? What do they want from me?  And I know it’s because I was over-controlled and under-loved as a child, teenager, into adulthood, by my mother. She didn’t like me having friends or partners, would chide me for spending time with anyone but her, and whenever I loved anyone else (such as my father), she would go to great lengths to try and blacken that person’s name to me with lies and accusations, try to give me reasons that this person was in fact perverse, hateful, not to be trusted. I carried that into my adulthood, I let it control everything about me. It made me extremely suspicious of any intimacy and closeness and, just like my relationship to empathy, there is a large part of me that will always believe the expression of interpersonal love is some kind of scam designed to catch idiots like me out, and I must always be on my guard. For years I had a folder on my phone full of incriminating screenshots of conversations I’d had with those close to me, people I actually loved, because I never knew when I would need to hit back against them. I needed to have evidence that anyone who loved me was as my mother told me they were -- perverse, hateful, not to be trusted. I deleted that folder when I began therapy, and when I resume therapy again very soon, I have a new goal: I need to learn how to love people and let them love me. No pretending this time, no mask. Teach me how to actually do it. Because I cannot keep hurting the people I love just for loving me, or worse, because I love them. There is no goodness or acceptability to lashing out at those who love you, it’s abusive. It’s completely wrong. There’s no excuse good enough. But now I know why I do it, and I can go fuck myself if I think I’m passing this onto my children. I would never push them away or treat them as my mother did, but they still cannot learn from my example. 

So, there it is. My dismissive/avoidant attachment style, and how it looks, and what it’s done. I hope this helps anyone with this attachment style understand themselves, and anyone who loves anyone with this attachment style to understand them -- not so you can put up with it, but so that you can just leave if you need to. After all, if someone is pushing and pushing for you to go, then we should not be surprised when you go. It’s what we’re aiming for.

[kuratoki]

Changes FINAL

THIS IS THE END!! It feels so good to be done with this ^_^ I hope you all enjoyed it and I would love to know what you guys think :) Thank you to the Anons for cheering me up when I was burning out and thank you to someone for letting me blurb all the ideas for Distance to you. I should be posting the first part in the coming days so make sure you look out for it!

Changes Masterlist

Do you agree that things change in time? Well four years abroad would tell wouldn’t it?

Pairing: Reader x Jeno ft. NCT`

Words: 4025

Warning: Swearing

It had been a week. A week since you got back from your bonding weekend with Jisung and Mia, a week since Jeno told you off in front of almost everyone at the airport, a week since you’ve spoken a word to him. Worst of all, a week since you told your third period instructor that you weren’t going to be able to complete the term project for some unknown reason but apparently, the instructor had seen it coming and allowed Jeno to perform the term project solo.

He wasn’t going to admit it but he was jealous seeing the Instagram posts with Jisung. He was upset that you decided to get on a plane and spontaneously fly somewhere with someone he didn’t know and someone he didn’t completely trust. Granted it wasn’t a twelve hour flight but still. You didn’t tell him and that upset him. Was he being childish? Maybe. So here he was, in one of the schools practice rooms, wallowing in his thoughts instead of practicing his solo piece he’d have to present instead of with you.

“You know, the mirror might break if you continue glaring at it.” Jaemins voice came from the door and Jeno turned to see him, Renjun and surprisingly Yukhei watching him with interest. He was used to seeing Yukhei around at this point. Renjun said that he had made amends with you and him in the last few days and Yeeun was also slowly becoming part of your girlfriend circle.

“Shouldn’t you be with your girlfriends right now?” he asked trying not to sound bitter and the group of boys only laughed at him as they walked in.

“They’re all out with Y/N and Jisung grabbing dinner. So we thought we would have this little intervention and ask…” Yukhei started gently but Renjun cut him off.

“What the fuck is wrong with you idiot!!?” he exclaimed, “I know you and I are working on a friendship right now but Y/N is still my best friend and comes first!”

“Renjun, calm down.” Jaemin said being the only rational one, “We just want to know what’s up and why you yelled at her in front of all of us at the airport that day only to drop her off at her house and not speak to her for like the whole week.”

“I would rather not talk about it.” Jeno muttered with a huff, “It’s none of your business anyways.” 

“That’s kind of where you’re wrong.” Renjun corrected, “You’re upset that she hopped on a plane without telling you again right?”

“How are you NOT upset that your girlfriend did that?” Jeno shot back and Renjun shrugged casually knowing that his assumption was right. It didn’t take a rocket scientist to figure it out.

“Cause it’s typical Y/N and Mia.” he said as if that explained everything, “I warned you about their friendship, how they can be spontaneous from time to time. Heck, Y/N and Mia used to disappear for days when we had our breaks without telling anyone but they post on their social media to show that they’re okay. Jeno, they went to Ireland in the middle of the season for no reason but to take pictures once. Xander and I were about to have a heart attack!” 

 “Guy’s Jeno’s not only upset about that okay.” Jaemin said, “It’s Jisung too right?” he asked his best friend, “The fact that Jisung was with them the whole weekend and you don’t know what happened or what they talked about. They came out of the terminal arm in arm with Mia and you blew up on Y/N without a greeting. It was obvious.”

“He’s also lucky Yuta and Sicheng were there to hold Jisung back from smoking Jeno in the face.” Yukhei commented, “I would’ve done the same thing.” 

“You hit me in the eye.” Renjun reminded him, “Anyways, you should know that Mia was the one who suggested they go to Japan. Y/N and Jisung went along with it.”

“You should also know something else.” Jaemin said and looked at the other two who nodded, Jaemin was going to tell Jeno because he was the only one who would be able to calm him down if he got angry, “What you’re doing right now...is all according to Jisungs plan.” 

Jenos head shot up, “Excuse me?” What plan did Jisung have?

“What do you think you’re doing right now?” Jaemin asked, “You’re literally pushing Y/N towards Jisung by not talking to her. By not talking to her, she’s starting to lean on someone else because she’s confused. She’s tried to talk to you multiple times right? She never got mad at you when you yelled at her in front of everyone and she apologized to you but you ignored her.” 

Jeno stayed silent knowing that what came out of Jaemin’s mouth was the truth. You didn’t get angry at him, you tried for three days to talk to him but he kept brushing you off. Leaving for school later so you wouldn’t run into each other and ignoring you during your shared classes. It wasn’t until the third day he realized that you stopped trying all together. Suddenly, everywhere you were, Jisung was too. In the library where you worked, the practice room when you and Renjun would fool around with Mia, Jisung was always there.

Jaemin let out a sigh at his best friend's silence, “Listen...Hana had a talk with Jisung earlier this week and I’m not even supposed to tell you about this. She found out that he applied for the study abroad program the day Renjun and Y/N got the offer. He had no interest in the Selects team until Y/N mentioned that there was a high chance of her going back.” Jaemin let out a breath, “Jeno, I really don’t think Jisungs feelings for Y/N are as platonic as he claims they are.” 

“What are you talking about? This whole time he’s been trying to push me towards Y/N. What does he have to gain now?” Jeno asked in disbelief. He was already wary of the boy but the things Jaemin said didn’t make sense.

“A lot.” Yukhei said, “If you really want proof, ask yourself this. If Y/N was faced with a difficult situation right now at this very moment, who would she turn to? You? Or Jisung? If she ended up in the hospital right now, who would she go to for comfort? You or Jisung?” 

Before Jeno could answer, Renjun’s cellphone went off and he was quick to answer it.

“Hey babe.” he said into the receiver and the four boys could pick up a hints of distress in Mia’s voice and Renjun let out a sigh before throwing a glare at Jeno, “Is she okay? Okay and which hospital are they taking her to?”

“Hospital?” Jeno whispered, his eyes shot to Renjun but he was no longer paying attention to anything since he was busy getting up and seemed to be in a rush.

“Hana, Yeeun and Jisung are still with you right? Okay, Then you’ll be fine. I’m on my way now, tell the Doctors I can tell them everything they need, be it over the phone or when I get there. Call your Mom and let her know too okay?” he said in a soothing voice, “For fuck sakes Y/N” he muttered to himself, “I knew I should’ve made you stay home this week.” he shook his head as the three others watched him with concern, knowing the phone call was about you, “I’ll be there in twenty tops. Okay, love you too.” 

After hitting the end button, Renjun let out a huge sigh and turned to glare at Jeno, “You are a fucking moron. I can’t believe my girlfriend supports a guy like you in Y/N’s life. I can’t believe I supported you! If it were me, Jisung would’ve been a better fit. At least he doesn’t over react over stupid shit.” 

“What’s going on with Y/N?” Jaemin asked as Jeno tried to find the words to speak but the words Y/N and hospital seemed to freeze him in time.

“She collapsed when they were leaving dinner. Actually straight collapsed, she didn’t fall or anything cause Jisung caught her in time. I have to go to the hospital because I’m apparently the emergency contact on her file for fuck knows why but at least I know her medical history.” Renjun explained and let out a huff, “You guys can tell this stubborn asshole the rest but I gotta go.”  He looked at Jeno once more and if looks could kill, “Don’t show up at the hospital. She’s going to be too weak to even deal with you. Take this as a warning or I’ll really let my fury off on you.” and with that, Renjun flew out the door literally leaving the three boys in silence, “WONG YUKHEI I SWEAR YOU ARE A CURSE”

Jaemin, who had received a text from Hana sighed, confirming Renjuns explanation. “Jeno…’ he put his hand on his best friends leg, “Y/N’s leaving after the Christmas party this weekend...She decided to go early instead of waiting till the New Year…” Jaemin said softly and hesitated to continue when he felt Jeno tense under him. Looking at Yukhei, he silently asked for reinforcement, “It’s been decided that Jisung and Mia are going to go with her.” 

“What the fuck?!” Jeno suddenly said springing up causing the two boys to jump slightly, “Jisung wasn’t supposed to leave until next Semester.” 

“He’s going to finish his classes online and his instructors gave him the okay to take off early. As of next week, Y/N and Jisung are both gone for the next six months.” Jaemin stated, “It could’ve been prevented too, if you actually TALKED to her.” 

“Dude, I know I may have a sketchy past with Y/N but Jaemins right...the way Jisung is around her, is too much for something platonic.” Yukhei said, “You need to talk to Y/N, tell her how you really feel. I know you guys confessed to each other but make her yours, OFFICIALLY. Tell her about how you feel with Jisung around.” 

This suddenly made Jeno agitated, extremely agitated. He trusted Jisung, he was so supportive of the two of you up until now and he wondered what changed. Where did things go wrong? Or was Jisung playing this whole time? With both of you? You were supposed to be with him, that’s how it was supposed to end. He saw you first, you were his childhood friend, you were his first love...and plus, you didn’t like Jisung that way did you? After all the conversations you had, he assumed Jisung was nothing but a brother to you, but he knew that there was a chance that his feelings changed. 

Unfortunately, a lot of his thoughts he thought he was keeping in his head actually came out and Jaemin had to resist the urge to slap his best friend on the head. 

“It doesn’t matter if you saw her first, you idiot. He’s going to be there with her physically while you’re a twelve hour plane ride away. You trust her...but do you trust him” Jaemin said getting up, “FYI, Y/N’s getting discharged from the hospital. She had a high fever and her iron levels dropped beyond normal so she’s in a weak state. This is your last chance, you have one week to talk to her because I know for a fact Jisung won’t let her change her mind on leaving early. Like I said, it was all part of his plan. He knows you Jeno, he beat you at your own game.” 

“And in the end, only one of you can have Y/N and unlike Renjun, I think you two suit each other quite well.” Yukhei commented, “But it’s on you to make things right. She’s in the hospital BECAUSE of you.” 

“What do you mean because of me?!” Jeno asked, furrowing his eyebrows and clenched his fists, “I literally haven’t talk to her all week. You know this.”

“Yea...but she also waited for you outside your place in the rain for four hours when you decided to avoid your house for a while. Yuta told me.” Jaemin snorted, “With the stress from her current responsibilities, the argument you started and having to deal with a lost loved one, her immune system probably screwed her over and she got sick.” 

“She..she waited outside my house for me?” Jeno whispered, eyes wide, feeling guilty. He had no idea.

“Why do you think Renjun has been such an ass to you? Mia, her mom and Jongin are all staying at Y/N’s house until they have to leave again. Mia and Renjun tried to convince her to go inside after an hour but she was adamant...she wanted to fucking talk to you Jeno. She really tried and you blew her off.” Yukhei said shaking his head, “Yeeun tried to get her to go home on multiple occasions today but she kept insisting she was fine. She threw herself into her work because the one person that she wanted to lean on decided to ignore her. Now she suffers the consequences.”

“And Jisung…” Jeno whispered, “I have to go…” 

“I’ll see if Hana or Chenle can distract Jisung for a while.” Jaemin said pulling out his phone, he knew what Jeno was feeling, Despite him being an ass to you all week, Jeno actually had a strong guilty conscience which was why Yukhei said what he had to say, “Just don’t fuck it up.” 

“I wont.” Jeno promised and ran out of the room and towards the direction of your houses.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Guys I’m fine!” Jeno heard you say and assumed that you had people smothering you, “I just need to breath. Take a break AND GO TO SLEEP!” 

The more you talked, the louder your voice got and soon the door opened and you walked through, almost slamming it shut. Noticing the extra occupant in the room you groaned. That wasn’t the reaction he was expecting.

“What the fuck are you doing here?” you asked tiredly placing a hand on your forehead, “Please...just leave...I’m tired, I’m sick, I just need to be alone and you being here isn’t helping.” 

“I-” Jeno tried to speak but you continued your ramble, abruptly cutting him off.

“I don’t care if you take the door or the window. I just need to be alone and away from you.” you grumbled, leaning against the door where you felt another headache coming on and covered your face with your hands. Why were the lights in your bedroom so bright?

Instead of speaking, Jeno got up from your bed and gently grasped your wrist, pulling you into his embrace. You were too weak to fight him off and the scent that you missed for the past week invaded your senses. 

“I’m sorry.” he whispered, burying his head in your air, inhaling your sweet scent, “I...I was jealous…”

“Why would you be jealous? You started hanging out with my friends the moment you met them.” you grumbled weakly, trying to pull away but Jeno was too strong and held you in place, “But the moment I go somewhere with Jisung and Mia you have a freak out.” 

“You didn’t tell me.” he emphasized, “You got on a plane without a message, call, smoke signal...do you understand how scared I was?”

“Mia’s mom, Jongin, Yuta and Sicheng knew.” you muttered weakly, “If I told you, you would have insisted to come with us. Why do you think Mia didn’t tell Renjun? Same reason.” 

“Why though?” he asked, letting out a breath, “Why was it so important to go with just the two of them?”

“It’s Mia’s way of getting to know someone personally. She’s going to be helping run training camp and she wanted to get to know Jisung. Taking him to Japan, putting him out of his comfort zone was the best way to do it.” you explained, “The only other time they met was this past summer when she came to visit me with Xander and Jisung was taking care of me. Jisung and Xander spent almost the whole night talking and I guess Xander told her good things and she wanted to find out if everything Xander told her was true.” 

“Were they? Was she happy?” Jeno asked.

“Jeno...I have a headache, a fever and I feel like I’m about to pass out again. Why are you asking me all these questions?” you asked, your voice getting weaker and Jeno could feel your body sway so he held you tighter.

“I just…” he hesitated for a second and let out a sigh, burying his face into your hair, “I just don’t want to lose you to him.” he muttered, “I don’t know how he feels about you and the fact that you guys are so close bothers me…I already lost you once Y/N and you’re leaving again...I just...I know a lot of things happened in the last few weeks and I know I was an idiot for blowing up and ignoring you...but I really don’t want to lose you...to him or anyone else.”

His answer shocked you. The Jeno you knew was confident and sure of himself but the Jeno in front of you right now was vulnerable. In your lifetime of friendship, you had only seen this side of him as a child and when he got older, he got a lot better at hiding his emotions in front of people, including you. 

You felt yourself wrap your arms around his waist and nuzzled into his chest. You were exhausted and even though you were annoyed with him, you were leaving soon and a staying mad wouldn’t solve anything.

“I don’t want to lose you either.” you muttered against his chest but he was lucky he heard it as you felt your legs go weak, “I need to…” you let out a shaky breath and Jeno picked you up bridal style, placing you gently on your bed.

“Rest.” he said gently, pulling the covers over you. “I’ll go get you some stuff and come right back okay?” You were sick and knowing that you were going to leave in a few days, he wanted to be the one to take care of you. He wouldn’t let Jisung, even if he tried.

“Are you going back to your house?” you asked weakly, looking up at him as he nodded, “Can you bring Nal then? I could use some kitty cuddles.” 

“How about you stay home tomorrow and spend the day at my place? No ones going to let you go to classes anyways and then you can cuddle all three.” Jeno suggested, “Would Jeno cuddles work for tonight?” 

“Only if you never refer to yourself in third person again.” you answered tiredly, “Come back soon…” 

“Close your eyes and I’ll be back before you know it.” he said placing a kiss on your forehead and really feeling your temperature and was shocked to see how hot you had gotten.

Leaving your room, he was unsurprised to run into Mia and Anne-Marie who had a basin of water and a face cloth in her arms. Items he was just about to get. The two smiled at him and gave him some medicine along with the basin. 

“Thank you for letting me in.” he said to Anne-Marie who had been at home when he got to your house, “How did you manage to keep the guys away?” 

“Renjun knows you’re here but won’t try anything. Chenle reminded Jisung that he had to pack everything for his semester abroad so that’s what they’re doing now. Just try to be asleep by the time they get back so they can’t do anything.” Mia suggested, “Y/N has to head into the city tomorrow night to finalize the Christmas party stuff so she needs all the rest she can get.” 

“I’ll drive her. I know you guys all want to stay at the hotel where the Christmas party is being held but I’d like to take her to my place which is near the venue if that’s okay.” Jeno said, he already asked for permission to take an extra day off school for the event, “I’m not ready to let her go yet…Also, thank you for letting the NCT Club members attend your Christmas party.” 

“Jongin is an alumni of that club and you’re going to be one of us soon anyways.” Anne-Marie said giving Jeno a motherly hug, “And that’s completely fine with us. We understand that letting her go won’t be easy but think about it, you’ll be seeing us sooner than you think.” 

“Then...I guess I’ll get back to her then.” Jeno said and gave the two a slight bow, “Thank you again.” he then disappeared into your bedroom, with his hands full, he couldn’t shut the door and it gave Mia and Anne-Marie a clear view of his affection towards you. 

“You know Mia, I have never met two people in my life as young as you who have remained so devoted to the other regardless of distance…it really must be the stars” Anne-Marie said with a smile, watching Jeno soak the face cloth, dabbing your face with it before repeating the process and placing it on your forehead.

“I agree Mom, maybe Xander was right...Jisung might be a good dance partner for her but her heart always belonged to Jeno.” Mia agreed and she gently shut the door to give you some privacy.

A few hours later, Jeno heard the sound of a door opening and a slight gasp. Judging by the voice it had to have come from Jisung. He popped one eye open and his suspicions were confirmed. He saw the look of shock and then annoyance cross the other boys features and held in his snicker, pretending to sleep. When he heard the door shut, Jeno shifted and smiled, feeling your arm tighten around his stomach area. He could still feel your temperature was high but he had you in one of his hoodies and a really thick blanket so you could sweat the sickness out. 

Closing his eyes once more, he pulled you tighter against him and felt you snuggle into his chest. He would have to wake you up later to change but for now, the best thing was for you to rest.

In the coming days, you would have to leave but in the coming months, he would see you again. It wasn’t going to be four years this time and he was definitely not going to let a day go by where he didn’t remind you how much he cared for you. There was Facetime, text messaging and social media. No matter what, he would remain devoted to you even if you were on different continents. A part of him was  uneasy because Jisung was going to be there with you physically but he trusted you. Plus, Soonyoung, Renjun and Mia were going to be there too and judging by how Soonyoung had explained things to him, the only time you would ever cross paths with Jisung was if you and Renjun decided to step in and check on training camp or when you guys were at home. 

He didn’t like that Jisung was going to be staying with you at your apartment that you had bought with your own money but he was glad that Mia and Renjun would too be staying with you and again, he trusted you. When the right time came and the two of you could be together once more, then he’d ask you to be his. But for now, you had your own path to walk and he was willing to wait. At least it wasn’t four years right?

[islamicrays]

Dear Parents,

We need to talk.

It's about your teens.

And specifically about your teen girls.

Here's the thing. This culture is destructive to teen girls. They're being sexualized and infantilized at the same time. The society around them tells them to aspire to every type of adult behavior imaginable and to look up to women who put their sexuality on full display 24-7, but at home and in their religious communities they are told they are "too young" to know things and are in constant danger of being harmed.

Do you know what these opposing messages do? They chip away at their self confidence, self worth, and most importantly their trust in YOU.

Why? Well, the obvious answer is because you're the minority. The other reason is because there are plenty of other external sources and individuals who are ready, willing, and eager to TELL THEM EVERYTHING they want to know which makes your silence seem like a betrayal or a statement of distrust in them.

See how shaitan works?

He knows better than anyone that kids, teens, heck even adults, we all have one thing in common: WE WANT TO KNOW WHAT WE'RE FORBIDDEN TO KNOW.

That curiosity is not something that can be switched on and off by your command. It's there all the time and every time new information comes to them, no matter how big or small, their ears perk up and they are completely tuned in.

So, the point of all of this is you need to PLEASE stop thinking that restrictions are the only answer to keeping them out of trouble.

They're NOT. There are other ways!

When you keep them uninformed but restrict their every move, you make them vulnerable and susceptible to being manipulated, deceived, and misinformed because Iblis is right there in their ear egging them on to find other ways of satisfying their curiosities.

So what's the solution? FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, PLEASE HAVE HONEST CONVERSATIONS ABOUT FEMALE SEXUALITY AND EMPOWER THEM TO KNOW IT IS A GIFT TO BE CHERISHED AND PRESERVED, NOT A CURSE OR A SHAME TO BE HIDDEN & EXPLOITED.

Framing female sexuality like it's something dirty and wrong or ignoring it all together and pretending it doesn't exist is precisely what leads to a lot of young teen girls struggling with controlling their urges, impulses, and curiosities. They eventually turn to external sources like friends, media, and/or the Internet/social media for understanding and answers.

And this is when things can quickly turn bad.

When young teen girls feel things they don't know how to manage but have access to social media which is nothing more than a gateway to a plethora of other problems, they are likely to fall victim to predators.

I said earlier that this society is destructive to girls, and I stand by that. It's also destructive to boys, but in a different way. For girls, they are bombarded with so many messages that dupe them to think their bodies and their sexuality can be used to acquire power. This is a LIE. The truth is they are lambs sent to the slaughter, and who's doing the slaughtering? Boys and men.

Just as girls are duped this way, boys are duped to define their manhood and masculinity in quantifiable terms; the more conquests, the stronger, the better, the manlier.

So when I say that girls are likely to fall victim to predators, I am talking about toxic boys and men.

These are the ones lurking in the shadows, waiting to find the weakest among the prey. They look for discomfort and distress, because they're signs of weakness and that's how they know to strike.

So they scroll through IG feeds, Snapchat feeds, FB, and whatever other platform they have access to, and look for the girl who was NEVER taught she had power and she could preserve it. They look for the girl who is taking selfie after selfie, each time revealing a little more skin, a little more desperation in her eyes. They look for the girl who looks lonely, insecure, and hungry for validation.

Offline, at school or elsewhere, they look for the girl who is a little more "approachable", nice, attentive; the one who seems awkard with her body. She's the one who doesn't seem to carry herself with confidence because she's uncomfortable in her own skin. She might slouch, she might wear skin tight clothing because that's what's in style and what she's been duped to think makes her look good, but she's terribly insecure and constantly fidgeting, checking herself in every mirror she passes, etc.

Think about why this happens? Maybe because YOU taught her the WRONG message about her body, her sexuality, and the definition of modesty. Maybe because YOU taught her that if she's a "good girl" she feels shame with her body and hides every sign of her changing body because of it and never utters a word about it.

This is PRECISELY WHY she's confused and sending mixed signals whether online or out and about!

BECAUSE THERE ARE TOO MANY CONFLICTING MESSAGES.

Imagine a prey in the wild being called in one direction and then another, constantly. Is it any wonder why they get hunted down so easily?!

Do you get it?

Your daughter(s) is feeling things she doesn't understand without any outlet or healthy coping mechanism (because you've shamed her into silence), but is simultaneously being BOMBARDED by every other influence in her life to look and behave as an adult female would!

We have to change our way of communicating with our young girls about their bodies.

We need to STOP delaying or denying our kids the right to be informed.

We need to have healthy, balanced, and NON-puritanical conversations about sexuality.

And we have to better define what modesty is and teach our girls that ...

Modesty is about EMPOWERMENT.

Modesty is about HONOR, not shame.

Modesty is about SELF-RESPECT & DIGNITY.

Modesty is about BASHFULNESS before One's Creator.

Modesty is about understanding DECORUM and PROPER PLACEMENT.

Modesty is about TAQWA.

Ya Latif, there is so much more to say. I spent hours today talking to a group of moms and then a couple about these very delicate topics, so my heart is heavy. Forgive me for the length of this post.

Please look for part 2, coming soon, where I will discuss how to teach your daughters about "The Predators [Players] Playbook" and how to avoid becoming the prey, in sha Allah.

May Allah ﷻ protect our youth and guide us all. Amin.

Ustadha Hosai Mojaddidi

[just-things-things]

why did you start this acc?

So, this ask has been sitting in my inbox for a couple of days now. I keep coming back to it and just never knew how to answer. Now, I’m giving you a too long answer for such a simple ask:

More under the cut

Back in seventh grade, ( I’m a sophomore now, so this would have been about three years ago ) I ran an Instagram fan page for a completely different fandom. I thought it was successful, even if I only reposted other people’s work, ( Which I’m not proud of ) but I was really happy about how everything turned out. 

One day, on the bus ride to school, I told this one girl - we’ll name her Isabella - about my fan page. She had been a friend since kindergarten, and I trusted her. During lunch, she went and told the rest of the “friend” group. They bashed me all day for being a “nerd,” “stupid,” and an “attention seeker.” It sucked.

When I went home that day, I went online and passed the account on to someone else. I asked them to change the password and “take good care of it.” I never went back to it, even today I don’t know the password. I don’t even remember who I passed the account to. Heck, I don’t remember the name of the account. I never even looked for it. I went from going home everyday to a loving community with a great fan page to nothing. I felt like something was missing, but it was “okay” because now I was “normal.”

For the next year and a half, I lived in my own little world with fanfiction and the occasional scrolling on Pinterest. I kept it a secret, knowing I was weird. It wasn’t about till the end of my Freshman year that I was reading fanfiction at about 3 a.m. when in the end notes was a link to join a discord server about the ship I was reading. It took a couple days of convincing, but I finally joined. I was inspired.

Everyone there was so nice and welcoming. Those people convinced me to do something that made me happy, which resulted in this account. As all things do, the account started off slow, with only one or two notes for each thing I posted. I was discouraged and ready to quit, but one person reblogged a post and the account blossomed. I don’t think people realize how important it is to reblog things, it helps people grow. Ever since then, Tumblr has been a safe place and people have continued to support everything I post. 

On that note, I love each and everyone of you. We recently reached 430 followers in only four and a half months. ( Which I’m proud of! ) I’d really appreciate if you guys, girls, and non-binaries would send me asks! I take prompts and will answer any questions you give me, please don’t hold back! Also, if you’re lonely or want to talk to someone, DM me! I don’t have internet friends and would love to gain some, hit me up!

Now that that is done, I hope this answer was enough, and if you are starting a new account, or if your’s isn’t doing as well as you thought it would, that’s OK! Give it time, and never let anyone tell you your passion is “dumb.” It’s not. 

Love you all!

@justpeterparkerthingsgirl

[elliot-orion]

Can you answer 1, 5, and 44 for all those characters you mentioned?

heck yea! thanks! this is going to get very long tho so brace yourselves lol. I’m going to do them grouped by characters.

Ben

1. What is one word to shut them up?

I’m going to assume this means like a word that gets them to stop talking for a not so great reason and not just “quiet!” but i might be wrong and just be in the mood for some angst. For Ben, it’s kind of moot because they don’t talk, but saying anything at all with an angry tone would definitely get them to freeze up.

5. List 3 fears; one surface-level fear, one repressed fear, and one deep dark fear.

Oh my god you have no idea how perfect this question is because fear is a Huge aspect of this story considering Ben is Nightmare and their powers completely revolve around fear. Ok so, surface fear is sleeping, which has a very not surface level reason, but i’d still count it. They will do fucking anything to not sleep (tho funny enough they don’t drink caffeine, it sends their powers all wack). A repressed fear... hmm im not sure if this means like a fear they don’t acknowledge or fear that they have but don't know the reason for. I’m going to go with it just being a slightly less bad but still big fear, and/or something they don’t know the reason for but still are afraid of if i can think of something. So for repressed fear, it’d be showing their wrists. They don’t know why it’s so anxiety provoking for them, they never cut and their only bad scars are on their neck not their wrists, but if they aren’t wearing long sleeves or dont have bracelets covering their wrists then they get antsy and anxious. For Deep Dark Fear, i could list just about any of the fears Carter left them with, sure, but the Carter shit really falls under the “trauma” category rather than simple “fear” category since the reason they are afraid of shit like making noise and people being mad is because of their trauma. So i’m going to go with their powers. Their powers scare the shit out of them, partially bc they literally see and hear everyone’s worst nightmares whenever they are near someone. they are constantly surrounded by fear and always have been. that’s fucking awful honestly. but also bc when THEY get scared, other people suffer since they are an empathetic type. and they dont want to hurt anyone. So... yea.

44. What’s one thing they wish they could do more often, but can’t?

We’re back to the sleep thing here. god this kid needs a five day nap, they are always exhausted. But dreams are Carter’s domain, and if they sleep, he can find them, hurt them, whatever he wants. So they can’t, not until Carter is gone.

Oliver

1. What is one word to shut them up? 

Ollie has a few words/phrases that almost always will send them into the past at some point. “Duck!” or “Grenade!” or anything that might be shouted on a battlefield, certain quotes from historical figures, some names or dates, stuff like that. He goes nonverbal when he’s particularly lost, so that’s a surefire way to get him to shut up.

5. List 3 fears; one surface-level fear, one repressed fear, and one deep dark fear. 

Ok so, surface-level is ovens. He will not use an oven, or any microwaves, or any kitchen appliances that could start a fire. He also refuses to take a bath and prefers someone being in the other room when he takes showers. This is 100% because he gets lost in time so easily that he’ll forget what’s going on in the present time. I cannot stress to you how many times this kid has almost set his house on fire bc he got lost in 1620 and forgot he had the oven on. Baths usually make him head back to a time with lots of water, be it in the middle of a fucking ocean or during a flood or whatever, and he hates that bc usually, he doesn’t show up in a nice safe place and he’ll feel exactly like he’s drowning even if he isn’t physically drowning. Showers he slips a lot in for similar reasons, hence why he prefers someone who’s listening nearby. For repressed fear, he’s afraid of dying, even if he acts fine with it. No one acknowledges it besides the other Elementals, but Oliver is the Time Elemental. Time isn’t a recognized Element, but the Elementals just Know. Even though he’s just 18, he’s only got a few years left, and he’s just got to put on a brave face bc there’s not much he can do about it. For Deep Dark Fear, he’s terrified of losing the remaining time he’s got left. Even though he’s only 18, because of PlotTM, he’s only got a couple of years before he burns up, and he’s terrified to lose it.

44. What’s one thing they wish they could do more often, but can’t? 

Watch documentaries. Funnily enough, Ollie is a massive history nerd, always has been, and he used to watch a ton of documentaries before he got his powers. But even nature or space ones will inevitably make him forget when he is, and so he can’t watch any. He also can’t read any historical fiction books (which sucked when he was younger, his favorite book series had been the Magic Treehouse) for a similar reason. He can read history textbooks, though, since they just list facts and dont show footage or make it seem like it IS that time. 

Morty

1. What is one word to shut them up?

hmm. tricky... Let’s go with Hotspot. If you’ve read sparks fly, you get why.

5. List 3 fears; one surface-level fear, one repressed fear, and one deep dark fear. 

Surface level is probably dogs. He’s been attacked by multiple dogs, multiple times since most animals don't vibe with his whole dark aura of death thing. But getting attacked by dogs is the one that stuck most. He gets nervous around Ollie’s service dog, Edison, but Edison is so well trained he just doesn’t care and being near him actually helps Morty with that fear. Repressed fear is definitely death. Which yea, i know, that’s weird considering he’s the death elemental but hear me out. 1 unlike sparky who gets overwhelmed by too much electricity, Morty gets basically drunk when he’s around too much death. Hospitals, battlefields, large graveyards, etc, and the thing is, he loves that feeling. and it scares him how much he loves it, partially bc he knows what the last death elemental was like and doesn't want to be like them (for reference, the guy went on a mass murder spree and started a couple of civil wars since the death elemental will live until the high rates of death stop, even if it’s past when Elementals normally die and you know they didn’t want to die). 2 Morty’s very existence is a sign that mass death is coming but there are no wars going on and that scares the shit out of him. 3 One Eye literally planted the fear of his powers, killing, and death in his mind to try and limit the damage he could cause and to prevent another situation like the last death elemental. For Deep Dark Fear, Morty is terrified that he can’t trust his own memories or even what he knows about himself. One Eye manipulated his memories and mind so so much and for so long. Morty’s always doubting what he knows and what he believes bc its not like One Eye HASNT planted shit, and he’s always on edge bc he doesnt even feel safe in his own damn mind.

44. What’s one thing they wish they could do more often, but can’t?

As of the start of the story? Be with Ben. For most of the time the two have known each other, they were online friends, until they both ran away together when they were 17. But about 4 months ago Morty left to go back to the SA headquarters, even though it’s literally part of his biggest fear to go back, because Ben was facing a double threat of either Carter getting them, or the SA, and Morty is determined to get the SA to leave them alone (ok technically the Supers Association and Heroes do leave them alone bc One Eye is scared shitless of Ben, but they send assassins like Scout and Hall after them all the fuckin time, and not all of them have sorta morals like the triad). In general tho, hear Ben’s voice. He just wants Ben to feel safe. (Morty is a fucking romantic no matter how tough he likes to act i swear)

I’ve got to do my interview now and this post is long enough as is, so I’ll do the same questions for Matty and Blue afterwards!! thanks!!

[beamergirll11]

01: Do you have a good relationship with your parents? Don’t talk to my dad at all never really have. Stepdad didn’t like that he is Mexican or moms exe. He married got a new family didn’t make a effort. My mom is dying of cancer and I choose not to talk to her. Last time I visited her husband sexually harassed me put me down screamed all in front of my child she defended him.

02: Who did you last say “I love you” to? My child.

03: Do you regret anything? This girl online popping out kids like a bitch eats tic tacs. Hates all vaccines any kind and hates birth control. Also talks about how she has depression her as voices etc. She also put down George Floyd saying how the heck did he not breathe because of his nose. She has niece who’s half black, She was upset about getting fixed going on her 6th kid at 27. I told her the truth how I felt and everyone jumped me…I regret it because despite her faults she was kind but addicted to pregnancy.

04: Are you insecure? About my the acne on my back right now can’t reach that shit.

05: What is your relationship status? Married.

06: How do you want to die? In my sleep or Suicide.

07: What did you last eat? Hawaiian bread.

08: Played any sports? Nah ew.

09: Do you bite your nails? Yes.

10: When was your last physical fight? Nah.

11: Do you like someone? Yes.

12: Have you ever stayed up 48 hours? No.

13: Do you hate anyone at the moment? No.

14: Do you miss someone? My grandma.

15: Have any pets? Sawyer isn’t mine but I love him so much.

16: How exactly are you feeling at the moment? Stressed so so stressed.

17: Ever made out in the bathroom? I fucked in one lol.

18: Are you scared of spiders? Yah.

19: Would you go back in time if you were given the chance? Yes I wanna see my grandma.

20: Where was the last place you snogged someone? Bed.

21: What are your plans for this weekend? Nope I have no life.

22: Do you want to have kids? How many? 1

23: Do you have piercings? How many? I want a septum but my partner won’t let me.

24: What is/are/were your best subject(s)? World History.

25: Do you miss anyone from your past? My Friend Poptart.

26: What are you craving right now? No.

27: Have you ever broken someone’s heart? Plenty

28: Have you ever been cheated on? Plenty

29: Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry? Plenty

30: What’s irritating you right now? People not standing up against someone who endangers others and themselves.

31: Does somebody love you? Yes.

32: What is your favourite color? Blue.

33: Do you have trust issues? Nah.

34: Who/what was your last dream about? Cats.

35: Who was the last person you cried in front of? Partner.

36: Do you give out second chances too easily? Oh yeah.

37: Is it easier to forgive or forget? FORGIVE.

38: Is this year the best year of your life? NO THE WORST SERIOUSLY.

39: How old were you when you had your first kiss? Dk

40: Have you ever walked outside completely naked? Yep

51: Favourite food? Medium rare steak

52: Do you believe everything happens for a reason? Dk

53: What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night? Fanfiction

54: Is cheating ever okay? To keep a marriage going maybe

55: Are you mean? Yep I want to change

56: How many people have you fist fought? None

57: Do you believe in true love? Yep

58: Favourite weather? Fall

59: Do you like the snow? No

60: Do you wanna get married? I am

61: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby? No

62: What makes you happy? My meds

63: Would you change your name? No

64: Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed? Yes

65: Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? No thanks

66: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around? Yep send me photos of his sex time

67: Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to? Partner

68: Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? Dk

69: Do you believe in soulmates? Yes

70: Is there anyone you would die for? My child

70 horrible questions ... Fuck it

01: Do you have a good relationship with your parents? 02: Who did you last say “I love you” to? 03: Do you regret anything? 04: Are you insecure? 05: What is your relationship status? 06: How do you want to die? 07: What did you last eat? 08: Played any sports? 09: Do you bite your nails? 10: When was your last physical fight? 11: Do you like someone? 12: Have you ever stayed up 48 hours? 13: Do you hate anyone at the moment? 14: Do you miss someone? 15: Have any pets? 16: How exactly are you feeling at the moment? 17: Ever made out in the bathroom? 18: Are you scared of spiders? 19: Would you go back in time if you were given the chance? 20: Where was the last place you snogged someone? 21: What are your plans for this weekend? 22: Do you want to have kids? How many? 23: Do you have piercings? How many? 24: What is/are/were your best subject(s)? 25: Do you miss anyone from your past? 26: What are you craving right now? 27: Have you ever broken someone’s heart? 28: Have you ever been cheated on? 29: Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry? 30: What’s irritating you right now? 31: Does somebody love you? 32: What is your favourite color? 33: Do you have trust issues? 34: Who/what was your last dream about? 35: Who was the last person you cried in front of? 36: Do you give out second chances too easily? 37: Is it easier to forgive or forget? 38: Is this year the best year of your life? 39: How old were you when you had your first kiss? 40: Have you ever walked outside completely naked? 51: Favourite food? 52: Do you believe everything happens for a reason? 53: What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night? 54: Is cheating ever okay? 55: Are you mean? 56: How many people have you fist fought? 57: Do you believe in true love? 58: Favourite weather? 59: Do you like the snow? 60: Do you wanna get married? 61: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby? 62: What makes you happy? 63: Would you change your name? 64: Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed? 65: Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? 66: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around? 67: Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to? 68: Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? 69: Do you believe in soulmates? 70: Is there anyone you would die for?

[adoubleshotdepresso]

And so it began.

I saw the light, and decided to be born. Not really, but I assume that’s how it goes.

hi, hello, my name is Em. There’s a few more letters to the name, but all my friends call me Em, so I thought it was appropriate to introduce myself as that, to you, the reader, whoever you are and wherever the hell you may be.

I was born in 1993, in Busan, South Korea. And that’s basically all I know regarding where I’m from. I was put up for adoption, and my parents adopted me when I was 12 weeks old. I don’t really have much to say about my time abroad, mostly because I was an infant and don’t remember, but also because it doesn’t make me who I am, and has not had any influence on who I am today.

So, adoption hey. You’d be surprised how many people you know are actually adopted. I know a handful myself, and I think it’s a pretty amazing thing. The first question I always come across is; “Do you think you’ll ever want to go back?” And “do you miss or want to find your biological parents?”. And look, depending on the day and how I’m feeling, the answers may vary. Slightly. But realistically, the answer is absolutely not. I have the best family anyone could ever imagine, and my parents are my best friends. I have an older sister who was also adopted from South Korea, Seoul. She’s 6 years my senior and is also one of my best friends.

My family is tight, yo. And we’ve always been that way. My mum is the most dedicated person you will ever meet. She puts her heart and soul into absolutely everything she does. I might be completely biased here, but I’ve never met someone who loves her family so fiercely and would do absolutely everything possible to make sure we are happy and well. She’s always the first person I call when I feel myself go under. She’s a pretty great woman. I know I can always count on her to be there for me and my family no matter what, and one day I hope to repay everything she’s given to me.

I’m so lucky to have a father like mine. He has always supported my decisions and even though some of them have been dumb, he’s never judged me for them. I mean, I get the whole “I told you so” every now and then, but that’s understandable. When I first started having issues with my mental health, dad didn’t really understand what I was going through, as he never really grew up with it nor had any involvement in the area either. But as I got older he really made an effort to understand me more, and ended up being my biggest support beam in my adult life. He’s the sort of person who tells you “I’m just a message away” and actually means it. At my lowest times, it’s nice to know he’s always got my back.

I have one sibling, my oldest sister, who is YOU GUESSED IT, one of my best friends. Our relationship has not always been easy, and there have been times when we wanted to rip each others eyeballs out, but now we’re both a bit older and understand each other better, we couldn’t be closer than we are now. She moved overseas for a while, met the love of her life and married him while still living in America. I went over there a couple of times to visit her, and to be a part of her special day, She’s been back home for a couple of years now, and though we don’t see each other frequently, I know I can talk to her about my struggles too. She’s had her fair share of mental problems, and she still gets through every day, and for that, she’s my god damn hero.

Now we’ve gotten the introductions out of the way, lets get into it. My childhood was pretty normal to be honest. My parents both had stable jobs, weren’t addicts or assholes whatsoever, so we always had food, hot water and a sweet bed to sleep in. Between my parents and their parents, we always had somewhere to go and never had to use babysitters or after school care, which is pretty extraordinary.

Primary school was whatever. And that’s about it. Girls are assholes, and boys were the most fascinating thing in the world. It was average, nothing that bad happened, and nothing spectacular happened either. But shit got real when high school started. For the first year of high school I attended a fancy private all girls here in town, and that was honestly the worst. Not the worst of my life, but for “back then” Em, it was pretty damn bad. I dealt with the usually bullying thing, and I think that’s when all my problems started. Which is kind of crazy because I was probably only about 13 years old when I started to develop depression and anxiety disorders.

Not only did I lose trust in my “friends and peers”, I also lost faith in the teachers and the other adults who were supposed to be there for their students, and to protect them while on school grounds. Well, what a load of shit that was. After holding out for a year, my parents finally agreed I needed to move schools. I was accepted into another private school, but this time it was a co-ed school, and much smaller in size. All in all, it was a pretty good school, but unfortunately I was a very had teenager to please, and hated every single second I had to be there

I started skipping school, chucking sickies every week and avoiding homework, study and assignments. I found it very hard to concentrate, and because of the first year of high school education for myself was an absolute damn nightmare, I had zero interest in my education. I started smoking cigarettes and nicotine at some point in this time, and found it hilarious to drink until I vomited on myself. Looking back now, I should have realised it was something more than adolescent behaviour problems, but what kid goes, “wow, I’m extra cranky today, I must have clinical depression!”. So I kept on being an asshole to everyone around me, not caring about my studies and doing whatever the heck I wanted to do, which included going to parties, seeing boys and lying to my parents. I would tell them I’d be staying with a friend, but lets be real, I was really at a party, getting hammered and kissing lots of boys.

So, high school eventually came to an end. It felt like it was going for an eternity, but I look back now and I wonder where the time had gone. And I think that’s when I realised I was having some real mental health problems. I had a full time job at a chemist, and stayed there for many years, 10 to be exact. I loved my job for a very long time, and stayed there up until a couple of years ago. I don’t think it helped my mental stability, and close to where I resigned, I felt myself crying and having panic attacks in the back room of my work place. I wanted to call in sick every day, rather than go into work and have to face customers and certain staff. I wouldn’t blame work for what happened to me in the end, but I’m sure it didn’t really help either.

That brings us the last few years of my life. And did SHIT GET REAL, my friend. I’ve had the worst days of my life, but have also experienced some of the best. Some of the worst you say? How much time do you have? There’s been a few doozies, that’s for sure. I was in a relationship that started off beautiful, but ended up being the absolute downfall of my mental stability. So many things contributed to my depression, but I dare say the break up, and the loss of my grandmother definitely was the icing on the cake.

I’m not going to point fingers and blame someone else for what happened, but okay I am. The break up I experienced was enough for me to want to die. Literally. My grandma who I was very close with was dying, and my ex didn’t really care. We used to fight all the time, even at the beginning of our relationship, but it only got worse. And even evenB when I thought it wouldn’t get worse, it definitely did. I started drinking a lot, and abusing prescription medication, Valium mostly, but also some sleeping medication too. One day, I was feeling very low, and begged my ex to come back home. I told him every 10 minutes he didn’t respond to my calls or text, I’d take another pill. And I did. I also felt like it was necessary to extinguish cigarettes on myself. The physical pains of the burn was a welcoming distraction to the storm raging inside my head.

After that, it was all a blur. I overdosed a couple of times, some I was able to manage myself, but two more times to come I would need medical attention. The first time I was hospitalised, I called a bunch of friends for help because I thought I was about to die. I don’t remember making the call, and I hardly remember leaving my home in ambulance. Once I gained consciousness again, I was forced to go see a therapist even when I declined. And let’s just say, therapy is not my thing. I have tried again and again to go, and to find that connection with a therapist but never really got remotely close enough to ever trusting one.

The last few years have definitely had its up and downs. I bought a house a few years ago, the house my grandparents owned when I was growing up, and not long after I moved in, I met my parter. I had known him for a couple of years before we started seeing each other, and not long after that, I asked him to move in. It was only a few months into our relationship, but it felt right. You know when you know and I can’t really explain much more than that.

I’m not going to sit here and lie to you and say everything gets easier when you’re older, and your problems you experienced before seem to fade away, I’m here to tell you the truth what it’s like to live with a severe depressive and anxiety disorder. Not every day is easy, and sometimes, the bad days feel like they’re never going to end. It’s easy for some people to hop online, and talk about how easy it was to get out of their own heads, and all you have to do is look on the bright side of life.

Because no. It’s never as golden as what influencers try and tell you, and it’s definitely not as glamorous as you see and read online. Some of the worst days I have experienced have made me feel like there is no possible way out. So, hold onto your seatbelts, and grab your Kleenex, because shit is about to get real.