#neuvillette tries to prosecute the archons

[nocherrybombs]

Nobody Told Him Part 2: Sometimes the Problem Solves Itself

Neuvillette: Greetings, Acting Grand Master of the Knights of Favonius. I wish to issue a court summons to a man with whom you are familiar... Venti, I believe, is his name.

Jean Gunnhilder, exhausted from her 15th straight day of working overtime: Why, what did he do this time?

Neuvillette: He is charged with possession of stolen property.

Jean: Damn it, again?! ...fine, but you'll have to wait until tomorrow. Venti is currently spending the night in jail for public intoxication.

Neuvillette: ...your deity has been incarcerated?

Jean: What else should I have done with him?

Neuvillette: I see. And this is a common occurrence?

Jean: Common enough. Honestly, it's for his own good. At least if he's in jail, Diluc can't throw him out of the second story window of the Angel's Share a third time.

Neuvillette: Good heavens. I may as well leave Barbatos here. Whatever you're doing to him is a far greater punishment than any sentence I could hand down.

[inamemyselficarus]

Fun idea for an unusual meet-cute with Mr. Hydro Dragon himself:

It's been a trying day (haha) at court and Neuvillette is a bit depressed about the parade of human avarice and stupidity that he's seen. He looks down to read the next case on the docket and sighs. Aggrevated assault. Wonderful.

He does a bit of a double take when you come down to sit in the defendant's box with a stubborn look on your face. He checks the schedule to make sure he's read things correctly. He has read things right, but he can't quite believe it -- you look far too adorable considering the charges leveled against you.

A scrawny man wearing a Sumeru scholarship uniform and an incensed, triumphant look that was more than a bit tempered by the truly vivid black eye he was sporting moved to the plaintiff's seat along with a trio of very expensive lawyers.

Half of Neuvillette's attention remains on you as the man starts describing the "indignity of an unprovoked assault" in a high, nasal voice. Your face runs through a series of dramatic expressions, scoffs, and truly bombastic side eye. He chastises himself for having to fight back a smile -- he must remain impartial.

When the prosecution finally finishes, he asks if the accused wishes to speak. You stand up, slamming your hands down on the wood in front of you. You make direct eye contact with Neuvillette.

"Thank the Archons he's finally done talking. I'm a little impressed that literally none of what he just said is true considering this happened this morning." You roll your eyes. "I was just minding my buisness, taking a stroll when I see this foreign idiot" you punctuate the words with an exasperated gesture in the man's direction "harassing a melusine. Something about non-human creatures and research subjects that was somehow both incoherent and offensive. Of course I tried to tell him to stop, but it quickly became apparent that he was too stupid to understand simple words like 'no.' So yeah, I punched him in the face. I admit it. In fact, I'd do it again." You leveled a glare at your accuser that had him trembling in his seat.

Neuvillette, internally: ..... holy shit I think I'm in love.

You end up a bit shocked that you not only got out of going to jail, but somehow scored a date with the Iudex himself. Your new melusine friend/adopted daughter is thrilled.

[nocherrybombs]

Nobody Told Him Part 5: Tempted by the Promise of Natural Spring Water

Neuvillette, surrounded by Natlan's heroes: So what you are telling me is that none of you know where the Pyro Archon is?

Citlali: Why would I? I'm not her mother! She's a grown woman, she can go where she wants.

Neuvillette: Yes, of course she can, but surely one of you must be close enough to her to have an idea of where she went.

Xilonen: Sorry, man. Best advice I can give you is follow the sounds of a giant rock smashing into a volcano. If that doesn't work, look for motorcycle tracks and you'll find her eventually.

Neuvillette: ...what is a motorcycle?

Xilonen: It's a... hmm. How do I describe the Flamestrider? Okay, think of it like this; if you see a roughly-human-sized fireball mounted on a big armor-plated wheeled thing racing across the plains of Natlan, then that's probably her.

Neuvillette: I am dismayed to hear that she is using her misappropriated elemental authority to engage in such frivolities.

Mualani: Ooh, speaking of frivolities, do you wanna come visit my tribe? We're holding free surfing lessons this week, and afterwards you can relax in the hot springs!

Neuvillette: Do not attempt to bribe me, mademoiselle. Justice shall not be delayed or denied.

Mualani: Aww, are you sure? The water is perfect this time of year. And call it a guide's intuition, but I get the feeling that the Koholasaurs would absolutely love you.

Neuvillette: Well, ah... I suppose that spending a bit of time to reconnect with my kindr- ahem, I mean, your saurian companions couldn't hurt. And it should not take more than a few minutes to sample the local spring water...

Mualani, pulling Neuvillette away by the hand: That's the spirit! Come on, if we get going now we can still make it there in time for dinner!

Later...

Mavuika: The Iudex of Fontaine was here? Where the hell did he go?

Kinich: Mualani got her claws in him and set him up with the "Meztli Extended Super Deluxe Hot Springs Vacation" package. We'll probably never see him again.

[nocherrybombs]

Nobody Told Him About The Puppet

Neuvillette, preparing to judge Ei: I apologize, please explain to me again why I cannot have an audience with the Electro Archon.

Yae Miko: She's unavailable. As for why, well, who knows? She's probably throwing another tantrum because the food cart ran out of Dango Milk again.

Neuvillette: Are you mocking me? I can see her sitting right there. Clearly, she is not presently indisposed or otherwise occupied.

Yae Miko: That's the Raiden Shogun. You said you wanted an audience with the Electro Archon.

Neuvillette: I do want an audience with the Electro Archon.

Yae Miko: She's not here.

Neuvillette, pointing at the Raiden Shogun: If she is not here, then who is that?

Yae Miko: I've already told you, that's the Raiden Shogun.

Neuvillette: Exactly. Why can I not meet with her?

Yae Miko: Oh, you can meet with her all you like, but I wouldn't recommend it. She's truly a terrible conversationalist.

Neuvillette: So I can meet with the Electro Archon.

Yae Miko: No, you can't, because she's not here. But if you would like to leave a message, I'll be sure to conveniently forget to pass it on.

Neuvillette: I am afraid I do not understand.

Yae Miko: Yes, that much is obvious.

Later...

Raiden Ei, leaving the Plane of Euthymia: Mm, nothing like a good, long meditation session to clear the mind and refresh the spirit. Ah, there you are, Miko. Were there any visitors while I was away?

Yae Miko: Only a silly old man. We talked, but the discussion was beginning to drag on, so I sent him away.

Raiden Ei: ...why do you sound like you've just initiated a diplomatic fiasco?

Yae Miko: Oh, you'll find out eventually.

[nocherrybombs]

Nobody Told Him Part 3: She's a Consummate Professional

Neuvillette: The Traveler suggested that you possess information regarding the whereabouts of the Geo Archon. Would you be so kind as to assist me in locating him?

77th Director of the Wangsheng Funeral Parlor and Local Menace Hu Tao: Ah. Hmm. That might be difficult.

Neuvillette: Is that so? May I inquire as to why?

Hu Tao: In case you hadn't heard, Rex Lapis no longer numbers among the living. It's unfortunate, but it happens to the best of us... and the worst of us. All of us, eventually.

Neuvillette: I beg your pardon?

Hu Tao: Yep, he shuffled off this mortal coil a few years back. Actually, it's more like he shuffled out of the sky and crash landed on Yujing Terrace. Nearly flattened the Tianquan, too. You should have seen her face!

Neuvillette: I... have no words in response to that. The Geo Archon is dead? Truly?

Hu Tao: Dead as a doornail, by my estimation. So, anything else I can help you with today? If you're a family member of the deceased seeking closure, I ought to tell you that we don't do grief counseling here.

Neuvillette: I am not here for grief counseling, and I resent the implication that Deus Auri and I are in any way related.

Hu Tao: Oh, then you were his lover?

Neuvillette: What? No! Mademoiselle Hu Tao, I apologize if this comes as a shock to you, but I am almost certain that Deus Auri is very much alive and well. Are you sure you've buried the correct god?

Hu Tao: Am I sure?! Aiya, the nerve of some people... sir, with all due respect, who is the expert on death between the two of us?

Neuvillette: ...you are?

Hu Tao: Exactly! And I can guarantee that our operation doesn’t make amateur mistakes like "burying the wrong god"! Wangsheng Funeral Parlor provides only the best service and the highest level of professionalism. As a matter of fact, I had my trusted consultant perform the funeral rites for Rex Lapis himself.

Neuvillette: Might I speak to this consultant of yours?

Hu Tao: Normally I would say yes, but he just went on extended lunch break right before you arrived. Bad timing, eh? Anyways, while we're waiting for him to get back, can I interest you in our limited time promotional offer? Buy two coffins, get the third 60% off!

[nocherrybombs]

Nobody Told Him Part 4: Navigating the University's Administrative Bureaucracy

Acting Grand Sage Alhaitham, who has not looked up from his book once during this entire conversation: Lesser Lord Kusanali's calendar is booked solid for the next six months. If you want to have your thesis reviewed, you'll have to wait like everyone else.

Neuvillette: You misunderstand. I am not a student.

Alhaitham: Oh, my mistake. I assumed that only an Akademiya student would be dim enough to waste my time like this.

Neuvillette: Monsieur, this is a critically important matter regarding a serious crime. I must speak with the Dendro Archon immediately.

Alhaitham: That sounds like it's not my problem. If you're really that desperate to get tangled up in local law enforcement, why don't you go and talk to the General Mahamatra about it?

Neuvillette: I tried, but I could not get a word in edgewise because the man refused to stop telling me these dreadful jokes.

Alhaitham: So he's in that kind of mood today. You have my deepest sympathies.

Neuvillette: You do not look terribly sympathetic.

Alhaitham: It's an internal sort of sympathy, extremely hard to see from the outside.

Neuvillette: Could I at least leave a message to be delivered to the Dendro Archon at your earliest convenience?

Alhaitham: Again, not my problem. You'll have to work that out with her secretary.

Wanderer, yelling from the other room: Stop telling people I'm a secretary, you lazy piece of trash!

Neuvillette: On second thought, I will send her a letter by mail and return at a time that is better suited to her schedule.