#nemo & panini writings

[nemoandpanini]

A Love So Secret

Title:  A Love So Secret

Pairing:  Bucky Barnes x Reader

Song Inspiration:  Secret Love Song by Little Mix (feat. Jason Derulo)

Word Count:  3,148

Date Written:  Sunday, January 15, 2017

Date Posted:  Friday, January 20, 2017

Author:  Emily

Author’s Note:  Oh my godness!  Another Avengers imagine!  Sorry to those requesting Peaky Blinders!  Those are coming soon!  I absolutely love my Bucky imagines.  And since I don’t have school Monday, I will be writing more imagines!  You guys should request things, so we know what you want!  Also, I’ve seen a couple asking for a Part 2 of Meant to Be with Steve, so that is coming soon.  Should this have a Part 2?  So many writings, so little schedule time!  I love you all and hope you have an amazing day!   Change someone’s life in a goodway.  Make at least one person smile!

Warnings:   Angst??  Sadness for sure, maybe.

“We keep behind closed doors,

Everytime I see you, I die a little more,

Stolen moments as the curtain falls,

It’ll never be enough,”

Today’s mission may have been the easiest of them all.  You easily fought off the HYDRA agents while Natasha and Clint were getting the information for SHIELD.  When you returned back to base, the whole group went to debrief to the Captain.  

You could still feel energy coursing through your body.  You had decided it would be nice to have a Avenger family dinner.  You had told everyone dinner would be done in three hours and not to come until then.

After inquiring what ingredients you had, you started to cook mozzarella-stuffed turkey meatballs with red pasta sauce with a side of caesar-chicken salad.  You were almost done with it.  You had just put the garlic bread in the oven to toast.  You were humming and swaying your hips to the beat coming from the radio.  You felt a pair of arms that you were quite familiar with.  You leaned back into Bucky’s embrace and sighed happily.

“It smells really good in here doll,” Bucky whispers into your ear, allowing his head to nuzzle into your neck.  He groans, “But you smell even better.  How about we skip dinner and head up to my room.”  

I laughed and moved away from him immediately missing his warm, comfortable arms.  “I don’t think everyone else would be happy with that, Barnes,” you said.  You head towards the sauce and taste it to make sure it was just right.  Once you tasted, you closed your eyes.  “That is some good sauce right there.”

“Hm, let me be the judge of that,” he says before sauntering towards you.  He cups your face and pulls you in for a kiss.  You moaned allowing him entrance in your mouth.  You wrapped your arms around his neck, as his hands slid down to your waist pulling you closer.  

Before anything could move on further, you both heard the group coming towards the kitchen.  Bucky pulled back from the kiss quickly.  To say that didn’t hurt would be a lie.  You turned around preventing Bucky from seeing the hurt in your features.  

You shouldn’t be hurt by this.  You knew what would happen when your relationship with Bucky had begun.  He had told you when you went on your first date that he wanted to keep it between the both of you.  He didn’t want the whole group to make it such a big deal out of it.  He just wanted it to be shared between the two people it mattered to.

It has been six months since the both of you started dating.  No one in the group knew.  They would always suspect it, but one of you would always reject the idea.  You two were just good friends.  

“(Y/N), you’ve got to cook more often for us!  You’re cooking is too good not to share with us!”  Sam complimented you, along with the rest of the group agreeing with him..  You smiled at him and thanked him.

You catch Bucky looking at you from across the table.  He smirks and winks at you.  You looked down at the table and felt immediately flustered.  It doesn’t matter how long or how often you’re around Bucky, he always seems to make your heart flutter like a little school girl all over again.

When dinner had finished, everyone retreated to the living room to pick a movie out and watch.  You had volunteered for dish duty.  You told everyone you were fine doing it alone and preferred it to do it alone.  Bucky was putting the last of the dishes into the sink.  

“Dinner was amazing, and I’m all ready for dinner.  What do you say?”  He asks while flashing you the cheeky grin.  You laughed at him and went back to cleaning the dishes.  

“You sure are something else, Barnes.  What makes you think your getting dessert?”  You asked, quirking an eyebrow up.  

“How can you resist this?”  Bucky asks, as he starts to kissing you, sucking and nibbling at your neck every here and then.  You closed your eyes enjoying the sensation, biting back a moan.  

Before you could give him your response, Steve calls for you the both of you, “Buck!  (Y/N)!  The movie is about to start!”  

“Let’s go, Sergeant before they have to come here  and get us,” you said and pulling his hand towards the living room.  You heard a small ‘one more’ before he pulled you into a soft kiss.  He pulls away while you both smile at each other.  He places one last small kiss on your forehead and then heading into the room first.  You’re mind’s left in a hazy daze from the feeling Bucky gives you from just a simple close.

“It’s obvious you’re meant for me,

Every piece of you, it just fits perfectly,

Every second, every thought, I’m in so deep,

But I’ll never show it on my face,

But we know this,  we got a love that is homeless,”

You woke up to a stream of light peaking through your curtains.  You could hear soft snores from beside you.  You turned towards the noise and smiled adoringly at the man beside you.  You could never understand how this man who wears his favorite Supernatural cast member shirt that a typical fangirl would wear.  You giggled remembering how ridiculous he was when you first saw him wearing it.

You’re laying in bed and scan through the movies on Netflix trying decide which one would be a good one for tonight.  You texted Bucky to come to your and making sure to bring snacks.  You acquiring all the blankets you had and put them on your bed.  

When Bucky had arrived, his arms were full of random snacks.  He dropped in onto the pile.  You picked one up that had a sticky note and rolled your eyes.  “Bucky, this has Sam’s name on it.”

“Yeah, I know,” he says snickering, nudging you over to give him room to lay down with you.  

When you looked up at him to tell him to return it, your mouth fell agape at his shirt.  You blinked your eyes a couple of times making sure what you were seeing was completely correct.  You closed your mouth, you covered your mouth trying to contain your laughter.

He tilted his head in confusion.  His brows scrunched together.  “What’s so funny?”  He asks, placing his hands on his waist.

You burst into laughter.  You couldn’t help it.  In your whole entire life, you’d think this would be the last thing you would see him wear.  When you stopped and began to catch your own breath, you questioned, “I-Is that a Sam Winchester t-shirt?”  He looked down and shrugged his shoulders confused why it could be so funny.  “Please, explain why you have this.”

“What?  I like it.  It’s a good show!” He tried to defend himself.

“Buck, do you not remember what you told me when I first showed you the show?”  He tried to look confuse like he didn’t understand what you were talking about.  “You said the show was stupid.”

“Whaaat?  I said that?  I don’t think so.  I’m pretty sure I would remember saying that,” he cluelessly said.  He nudged you over and laid down next to you.  

“Mhm, suure.”  You both continued through the night, often bothering each other every now and then.  You would make jokes about his shirt, and he would retaliate with tickle attacks.

You trail your finger down along his jaw and admire his beautiful creatures.  How could someone be so scared of someone as precious as Bucky?  If you had not known about the his previous past, and someone tried to tell you about it you would have never believed it.

As each minute passed by, you could feel yourself falling in love with the man before you.  How can someone be able to fulfill your heart but crush it at the same time?  Every touch, every word he spoke to you make the whole world seem like nothing to you.  How he warms your with such a happy feeling, you can only hope it lasts forever.  

But this love between the two of you, can hurt you two.  Sometimes you question if this is just a fling for him, or possibly be feeling the same way you are.  If he felt the same, why would he want to keep it between the two of you? 

Bucky begins to move around preventing from your mind wandering into more unanswered questions.  He opened his eyes slowly, smiling when he sees you staring.

“Mmm.. Maybe take a picture, it’ll last longer,” he says.  You gasped and swatted at him only causing him to laugh.  “I’m just kidding, doll.”  He intertwined his hands with yours, slowly tracing small circles onto your hand.  It was like your hand was meant for his.  How your fingers interlocked with his so perfectly like they were meant to be there.  “I could get used to this.”

“Oh, yeah.  What is it that you can get used to?” You questioned with an eyebrow raised.

“Your crazy bed head.  And the way the drool just dried up around the corner of your mouth,” he says, “But that morning breath has to go.”  You eyes widen in horror.  He cracks up at your expression.  You scowl at him before punching his square in the shoulder.  You huffed and turned around, your back facing him.  “Ow. doll!  I was just messing with you!  I love every aspect of you in the morning.

You turn back around, continuing to scowl at him.  “I hate you.”

“No, you don’t.  I saw the way you were looking at me earlier,” he cockily said.

“You are way too cocky for your own good, Barnes.”  You said placing your hand on his cheek.

“I thought that’s what you liked about me,” he said.

“It might be the reason I kick you out of here,” you said, smirking.  He looked at you with the look ‘oh, yeah?’  Before you could comprehend what was happening, Bucky held you down and began his assault of tickles.  You writhed around and tried getting him off of you.  It seemed like forever before he finally stopped his attack.  You both lay there laughing, while you tried to catch your breath.  You looked at Bucky and couldn’t imagine yourself waking up next to anyone else but him.  

“Watch it, doll.  If people catch you looking at me like that, they may just say that you could be in love with me.”

You rolled your eyes.  “Shut up and cuddle me before I kick you out,” you told him.  He wrapped his arms around you as your laid your head on his chest.  You focused on his heartbeat thinking about what he said.  You had to mask it better on what you were feeling.  If people found out that there was more than a friendship between the both of you, you wouldn’t know what would happen.  Bucky could just end it before you two could experience it in the public.

Bucky’s POV

“When you’re with him, do you call his name

Like you do when you’re with me, does it feel the same?

Would you leave if I was ready to settle down?

Or would you play it safe and stay?

Girl you know this, we got a love that is hopeless,”

Tonight, we were dragged out of our rooms to attend one of Tony’s stupid parties.  I always hated these things.  I would rather prefer to be in bed with (Y/N) talking about random things that would wander into our minds.  

I watched as (Y/N) was talking to an agent from SHIELD, Natasha had set her up with.  Her whole body showed she was uninterested with the man before her.  I laughed as he tried to ‘casually’ show her his muscles.  We all knew that if she really wanted to, (Y/N) would have the down on floor in five seconds.

She looked over at me and mouthed ‘help me.’  I pretended not to notice and her.  I took a sip from my drink.  When I peered over the glass, I found her glaring towards me.  I winked at her, causing her to huff and turn her attention back to the man.

She then pretended to be interested.  She placed her hand on his arm, showing fake excitement over how muscular he was.  She then laughed loudly at something he said.  She began to lean in closer to the man, whispering something in his ear.  I watched as excitement filled his eyes.

I rolled my eyes.  I knew what game she was trying to play.  Because I refused to help her, she wanted to make me jealous.  But I knew all her moves on the man meant nothing to her.  I see the way she would look at me.  It’s the same look I give her when she’s not noticing.  A look of love.

I had never planned for this relationship to be kept a secret for so long.  It was only a few weeks in when I wanted to boast to the whole tower that we were together.  I’m not ashamed to be in a relationship with (Y/N).  She’s been the greatest thing to happen to me ever since HYDRA.  She was a blessing I didn’t deserve.

I’ve contemplated to myself many times that we should go public.  I want to be able to kiss her whenever I felt like it.  I was tired of watching out for anyone that could catch us.  I knew (Y/N) was tired of it too.  I would catch how disappoint she got when we would further our distance when someone was around.

But I liked our secret.  I never understood why people had to know when there is a relationship.  The love is shared between the two people, not their friends or family.  Will she stay if I tell her I’m ready to be public?  Or would she leave realizing what a bigger commitment it would be.  Would she be ashamed a man who was once a serial killer?

Your POV

“And nobody knows I’m in love with someone’s baby,

I don’t want to hide us away,

Tell the world about the love we’re making,

I’m living for that day,

Someday,”

“Buck, do you love me?”  You asked as you played with his fingers.  

Bucky paused the movie you both were watching and looked to you confused.  “Why you asking?”

“You didn’t answer my question,” you said, placing his hand down.  You looked at him waiting for an answer.  He sat there thinking and it made you anxious.  

“Yes, I love you, doll.  Now you have to answer mine,” he said pulling your hands into his.  

You sigh before answering, “Why do we still keep this a secret?  It’s been eight months, Bucky.  I’m tired of hiding what we have, Buck.  I love you and I want everyone else to know that.”  

He nods to what you’re saying and places a hand on your cheek.  “Me too, doll.  Soon, though.  I just want to enjoy it between us before people start putting their own inputs into our relationship.  I want to reminisce in this with you.”  You nod your head and look down.  He places a finger under your chin and lifts your head.  He places a loving kiss on your lips.  “Just wait.  Our day will come soon, enough.”

“Oh, why can’t you hold me in the street?

Why can’t I kiss you on the dance floor?

I wish that it could be like that,

Why can’t it be like that?

Cause I’m yours,

Why can’t I say that I’m in love?

I wanna shout it from the rooftops,

I wish that it could be like that,

Why can’t we be like that?

Cause I’m yours,”

“Bucky, I’m tired of the same, old excuse you keep giving me!  I’m tired of having to hide this relationship, okay?  You had the perfect opportunity to tell everyone about us, but you didn’t!”  You shouted at Bucky.  

You both were on your balcony.  You had stormed out here after dinner.  Everything was going fine until Tony brought up the subject of you and Bucky.

“Oh, come on!  You two are telling us there is nothing going on between you two?  Nothing?  Zilch!” He said.  You laughed and looked down at your plate and begun playing with your food.  “Bucky?”

“No, we’re just good friends, Stark.  You guys come up with the craziest of ideas.  Right, (Y/N)?”  Bucky asked, nudging you with his elbow.  

You looked up at with sadness in your eyes before replying, “Yeah, just friends.  You smile sadly at everyone.  When they had saw your expression, they stopped meddling and tried to change the conversation.

“Okay, you’re right.  But you know how I like to keep this betw-,” Bucky began before you cut him off.

“I told you I don’t want to hear of your excuses anymore, Bucky.  I am so exhausted of having to keep an eye for someone when I want to kiss you or hug you!  I want to be able to walk the streets with your arms around me protecting me from the New York breeze!  I want to be able to have a nice, slow dance with you and kiss you at the end of the song.  I want to go and watch movies at a theater!  I don’t want our dates in one of our rooms.  I want us to stop sneaking around at night, so we can sleep together.  I want to be able to shout ‘I love you’ without having you to be so paranoid about who’s listening to us?  I want to be able to have no flying fucks about any of this!”  You shouted at him.  You stopped and took deep breaths, out of breath from your speech.

He looks at you with sadness.  “Is that how you really feel, doll?”  

You looked at him and laughed.  Laughed because you felt so stupid that you had to tell him like this.  “Yes, Bucky.  That is how I exactly feel.  So, now you have the option.  You can keep this a secret, but I can’t promise you if it’s going to last.  Or you could man up and at least tell our friends that we’re together,” you said, beginning to walk away.

“You know I love you, (Y/N).” He said after you.

You stopped and turned around, “If you really loved me, you would want to tell everyone else us about like I want to.”  You gave him one more glance over and walked away.  Only your heart hoping that it wouldn’t have to go through a heartbreak.

[the-scot-blog1]

Scrolling through Twitter one afternoon, I stumbled upon an amazing little feature by blogger Liam McNally – he had posted a text post with a number of different film titles from each year of his life. Bloody brilliant.

So I’ve decided to give it a go. I’ve been on this wonderful planet for almost 19 years now, and although I wasn’t alive for the release of Jurassic Park, there have been a fair few phenomenal films in my lifetime.

This is my longest post to date – I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. (2730 words – bloody hell).

  1998: Pleasantville

Oh my God. I didn’t realise how difficult this post was until I searched ‘1998 films’ into Google. The Trueman Show, Saving Private Ryan and The Wedding Singer all in the one year? God, anyone alive and kicking back then must have been having the best year of their lives.

But despite the 10 minute long decision process, I’ve decided on Pleasantville. I watched it when I was very young and hadn’t ever worn a bra, much less watched anything like that bath scene. Despite my mortified eyes however, the film will always be one of my favourites. I remember seeing the main character for the first time and just constantly thinking god, this is a weird film for Spiderman and Elle Woods to be in.

  1999: 10 Things I Hate About You

Again, this year is bloody difficult. The Iron Giant, The Mummy and Toy Story 2 – they just don’t make films like them anymore. Although I wasn’t a fan of Star Wars Episode 1 – it has to be one of my least favourites. Anyway.

10 Things I Hate About You was one of the first chick-flicks I ever watched. I knew Heath Ledger as ‘the strangely cute singing guy from that movie’ before I knew him as the Joker. I felt like I related to Kat – I wasn’t big on getting a boyfriend, and I was pretty much destined to be a wee bit strange since birth. Plus her name is so cool.

  2000: X-Men

At the time of watching, I was right into Harry Potter. I loved the idea of special schools dedicated to supernatural people – it made my own secondary school even more boring. I’d often just sit in class and daydream about being able to fly or have the ability to imitate people.

But in all honesty, the one person I was most envious of was Quicksilver. And not because I wanted to save the world or any of that pish. No. When I sat in my third year physics class, the smells from the cafeteria always decided to sneak up the vent and attack my nostrils. I would get so unbelievably hungry, and my stomach would always tell my classmates just that. So I used to daydream about running faster than time, sprinting down into the dining hall, grabbing a steaming hot spicy chicken panini (and maybe some soup, if I could manage) and munching it before heading back up to class. Yeah – I wanted superpowers so I could eat my lunch early.

  2001: The Princess Diaries

AH. I’ve got a feeling film directors are deliberately messing with me right now. Legit, I had a look at the films from 2001, and I was floored. What an amazing year. The first Harry Potter movie came out this year – the beginning of an absolute era. Shrek debuted as well – but I was always slightly offended when people heard my Scottish accent and compared me to a giant green ogre when I travelled abroad. The first Lord of the Rings film came out as well – see what I mean about them messing with me?

But despite all of my favourite film franchises beginning in this year, I gotta say, the Anne Hathaway/Julie Andrews combo that is The Princess Diaries absolutely stole my heart. I had never related to a character more – I had frizzy hair, buck teeth, oversized glasses and a tendency to prioritise spending time with my cat over hanging out with real-life friends. So when she went through her beautiful princess transformation, I was floored. I mean, I’m still waiting for that to officially happen, but I’m still holding out hope that I have a long lost relative that’s gonna tell me I’m a princess (no, not you mum).

  2002: The Pianist

Originally, I had written the first Spiderman as my favourite film of 2002. But that quickly changed.

The first time I watched The Pianist, I was 13 years old in a stuffy history classroom. I still hold the belief that this was definitely not the right time to watch this film. It felt as though my teacher didn’t have any material to convey how horrific the Holocaust really was, and so instead she stuck on one of the most distressing and hauntingly beautiful films of all time. I didn’t fully appreciate it back then – I cried when I watched the horrors that took place in the ghettos, and got even more upset when immature people around me started to laugh.

But I watched it for a second time a few years later. Although I cried again, I gained a much deeper understanding of the film. I still listen to the soundtrack when I want to write a particularly moving or sad chapter of a book. The film has such a disgusting beauty to it, it is astounding – it makes me question my morals when I say it is one of my favourite films.

  2003: Peter Pan

Again, there were so many amazing films this year – I can’t explain my guilt at not choosing Finding Nemo or the last instalment of the Lord of the Rings trilogy.

But I found my first love in the live-action remake of Peter Pan. Just a few years after it was released, I found myself watching it time and time again. I was young, and there was a boy with messy hair and a fairy to keep him company. Honestly, I was head over heels. I grew to absolutely despise Wendy Darling. How dare she take away my Peter, with her stupid bow and annoying accent. And the fact that Lucius Malfoy was Captain Hook just made it that little bit better.

  2004: Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

You’re lying if you say that this isn’t one of your favourite films.

Again, it was tricky not choosing The Incredibles or Mean Girls – even The Notebook made it to my shortlist. But the way the Weasley twin’s hair sat and the introduction of the marauders just made my life complete. Except for Pettigrew. Fuck you, Pettigrew. I’d read the book before I saw the film, and while I was slightly disappointed with the previous two, I didn’t stop talking about PoA for months. In fact, I still talk about it. It’s great.

  2005: Sky High

This year was going to be beautifully simple – I absolutely love Star Wars Episode III. In fact, it was possibly the only film I was certain of when I started this post. But, never the less, I looked at the list of 2005 films anyway, and was reminded of the best thing I’ve ever watched. Ever.

Remember earlier in the post when I said that I frickin LOVE schools for supernatural people? WELL HERE WE GO AGAIN. I watched Sky High recently with my friend Ross, and even although the acting was abysmal and my cringe levels were off the chart, I couldn’t help but smile. As if the flying school bus wasn’t enough, the euphoria I felt when Will and Warren won Save the Citizen was something I don’t think I’ll ever feel again.

  2006: Pan’s Labyrinth

I feel like if I choose any film other than this, my Spanish teacher would kill me. Again, it’s another film that we watched at way too young an age in my opinion. Sure, it looks all mystical with fairies and creepy monsters with eyeball hands, but it has this underlying story-line of the horrors of war and escapism that you can’t fully understand until you’re a bit older.

I watched it again when I was 17 and studying Advanced Higher Spanish, and knew the film as ‘El Laberinto del Fauno’. I could go on for 20 minutes about this film and its director (which I did by the way, in the final exam).

  2007: Ratatouille

WHAT A FILM BTW. I’ve always loved Disney – my sister and I would spend nights staying up way past our 8pm bedtime watching Aladdin and Peter Pan, with a fair few stolen After Eight mints from my mum’s bedroom too. This film just completely blew me away – the animation was new and cool and it was set in PARIS.

Even now, ten years later (omg ten years wtf) I still think about the scene where Remy combines the cheese and grapes, and little fireworks and swirls form in his mind. I once ate a McDonald’s chip and then took a sip of my strawberry milkshake, and legit I’m pretty sure that’s what happened in my mind.

  2008: The Chronicles of Narnia – Prince Caspian

Enter stage left – my second love. At the age of nine, Prince Caspian had everything I could ever want in a guy (or so I thought). He had a sword, long hair, an accent I had never heard before and he fought Peter Pevensie (I seem to hate a whole lot of Peters).

I thought it was the coolest combination of Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter, and it was while watching this that I began to have a crisis about my true Hogwarts house. I had always thought myself a Gryffindor – I had the scarf, the pens and the egotistical ‘I’m-better-than-you’ attitude that all young Gryffs seem to adopt. But I found myself siding with Edmund Pevensie about a whole lot of things. I didn’t fully accept Slytherin as my true house till a good few years later.

  2009: Star Trek

I watched Star Trek before I even touched Star Wars, and I was absolutely hooked. It was what introduced me to science fiction, really. After Star Trek, I moved onto Doctor Who, and although I couldn’t really get into the Star Trek TV series, I found my love of sci-fi growing.

It was my love of Star Trek that caused me to accidentally find Star Wars. My brother would constantly go on about C3PO and lightsabers, and I decided very early on that it wasn’t for me. But after trying (and failing) to find Star Trek online, I accidentally found Star Wars instead, and thus began my love of the Skywalkers and giant wookies named Chewy.

  2010: How To Train Your Dragon

Other than Aladdin, Hiccup Horrendous Haddock III was one of my first (of many) cartoon crushes. I thought he was the most adorable lil guy ever – he was clumsy, dorky, and absolutely loved animals. He was perfect. I thought the animation was absolutely incredible, and the Scottish accents were just a bonus. I much preferred being compared to Gerard Butler than a green ogre, in all honesty.

And don’t even get me started on how he looked in How To Train Your Dragon 2 – oaft.

  2011: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part Two

HPDHP2 is right up there with the Prisoner of Azkaban. I remember heading to the midnight release of the last Harry Potter book – I was decked out in a Scream robe that we’d stitched a Gryffindor badge onto, with curly hair that reached my shoulders. And yes, I won the costume contest. But I remember staying up that night and reading the book until 7am, and having to head to school the next day without a wink of sleep. And yet I didn’t care – I had just finished the last book in a series that completely shaped my childhood.

So when the movie hit the cinema screens, I was praying that I wouldn’t be disappointed like I was with some of the others. And apparently, my prayers were answered. Even although the Deathly Hallows is split into two parts, I always consider them the one film. And it’s most certainly my favourite.

  2012: The Perks of Being a Wallflower

This film really got to me. I bundled up in warm clothes to see it in the cinema with my friend Ailish, and it was the first ever film I had cried at. I’d read the book before hand and cried my eyes out, but the severity and meaning of the story didn’t hit me until I watched the film. Logan Lerman and Emma Watson were two of my favourite stars at the time: I knew Emma from Harry Potter obviously, whilst Logan stole my heart as Percy Jackson.

But what struck me most was the way I related to these characters. I often found myself standing next to the wall in school dances, watching people having a good time but being physically incapable of joining in – it was as if my feet were constantly glued to the floor. It was comforting to know that I wasn’t alone in this, and it lead to me being able to open up to my guidance teacher about my struggles with anxiety.

I also wrote about the original book in my piece ’13 books to help get over a break up’ – check it out.

2013: The Hobbit – The Desolation of Smaug

When the making of the Hobbit was first announced, I was ecstatic. But my excitement somewhat wavered when I heard they were turning into three films. It was a small book – tiny in comparison to the three Lord of the Rings texts – how on earth would they stretch this wonderfully small work into three different films?

And yet somehow, they managed it, and subsequently made one of my favourite films of all time. Why, you ask? The barrel scene. 

2014: Guardians of the Galaxy

Not gonna lie, this one was a toss up between the hilarious Chris Pratt and the absolutely adorable Baymax. But, as much as I love Disney’s tale of superpowers and love therapy in Big Hero 6, it didn’t win this year for me. The best thing about the film is without a doubt the soundtrack – even four years later, I still listen to it when I wanna get psyched.

I wanted to cosplay as Gamora for last year’s MCM Comic Con in Glasgow so bad, but then I realised that I’d more than likely sweat off the green body paint and the leather would more than likely get quite uncomfortable.

2015: Star Wars – The Force Awakens

Up until 2015, I was losing interest in Star Wars. I’d watched the films countless times, but as much as I adored them, I couldn’t stop thinking about the shabby effects. So when Finn, Poe and Rey lit up my local cinema screen in December 2015, it was as if I was born again. I suddenly dived back into the world of lightsabers and gun-wielding Wookies, and I genuinely haven’t looked back since.

And although I cried my eyes out when that thing happened, I agreed with it – it was about time.

2016: Finding Dory

I actually travelled Australia for a month last year – I left school and just decided to get away from everything and everyone for a little while. So after I met my brother and we began to explore Sydney, we decided what better place to watch the latest instalment in Finding Nemo than the place where it’s set??

I was slightly disappointed to find out that Nemo and Dory did not, in fact, stay in Sydney for the duration of the film, but even so – it was just amazing.

I was going to write a segment for 2017 but then I realised – I legit haven’t watched any new releases yet. I’ve simply not had any time. And yes, that means that I haven’t even watched the new Beauty and the Beast. For shame.

But even although I haven’t watched anything yet, there are tonnes of films that I’m looking forward to – Guardians of the Galaxy Vol 2, Spiderman Homecoming, and Star Wars: The Last Jedi to name a few.

Hey, maybe I’ll revisit this post at the end of the year and add in my favourite film.

I’m tagging the fantastic Emily and Lucie in the ‘Film for every year of my life’ tag.

What are your most loved films from these years? Do we share any favourites? Or do you think my choices are just downright wrong? Let me know!

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18 films in 18 years: My favourite stories since I was born was originally published on Ellan

[nemoandpanini]

Meant to Be

Title:  Meant to Be

Pairing:  Steve Rogers x Reader, Steve Rogers x Sharon Carter

Word Count:  2,970

Date Written:  Sunday, January 15, 2017

Date Posted:  Sunday, January 15, 2017

Request:  No.

Song Inspiration:  Stone Cold by Demi Lovato

Author:  Emily

Author’s Note:  Let me just say that my hands are cramping!  I had finished writing an essay outline that took two hours.  Then I wrote this imagine and currently 4:30 in the morning!  I plan to post this in 8 hours!  I hoped your guys enjoyed.  I love The Avengers and could watch movies so many times.  Both my brother and cousin are annoyed if I mention them.  And come on, Cap is so freaking attractive!  So obsessed!  Also, I will write the requests sent in soon when I find the inspiration!  It’’s just I’ve been feeling Captain and a Bucky one will come soon!  Also look forward to Jordan’s writing!  She’s found some inspiration!  Love you all and don’t forget to request, so we know what you want!

Warning:  Angst

“Stone cold, stone cold,

You see me standing, but I’m dying on the floor,

Stone cold, stone cold,

Maybe if I don’t cry, I won’t feel anymore,”

The mission you had just gotten back from was exhausting.  All you wanted to do when you got back to base was to soak in a nice, warm and maybe sleep for three days.  The mission had gotten off track when there were more henchmen than was expected.  Everyone left the HYDRA base with a cut or scratch.  You had a bullet graze you on the side.  

You close your eyes trying to find kind of sleep while Bruce had begun stitching you up.  “How ya feelin’ (Y/N)?”  You opened your eyes and turned your head towards him.  “I feel like I could a marathon really, Brucie,” you said, smiling.  He chuckled at your comment while rolling his eyes at his nickname you gave him.

After Bruce finished stitching you up and cleaning the area, in walked Captain America.  You could hear his footsteps.  You had your arm placed on your forehead and peeked one eye open.  “What’s up, Cap?”  You asked tiredly.

“What were you thinking out there, huh?  You could have been killed out there!”  Steve began shouting.  

“It was just a gra-,” you began before he cut you off.

“It could have been more,” he stated, arms crossed.

You rolled your eyes and sitting yourself up.  You winced feeling pain where the stitches were located.  “But I’m fine, Steve.  I’m not some amateur, okay?”   You smiled at him softly, trying to calm him down.  

He nods his head and says, “Don’t try that ever again, (Y/N).  I can have you on desk duty.”  

You rolled your eyes before saluting him,” Yes, sir.”  Steve looked at you looking like he wanted to say more.  He nods his head and leaves the room.  You sigh and lay back down, praying for sleep to wash over you any minute now.

When you arrived back at base, you took your time gathering your things from the mission.  Everyone hurried off to their respected quarters.  You laughed at them and walked off the jet.  You stopped when you noticed Steve’s and Sharon’s encounter.

She had her arm wrapped tightly around his waist while her head was laying his chest.  His arms were wrapped around her protectively as he kissed her forehead.  She looked up at him and was saying something that you could not hear.

It hurt to watch Steve care about Sharon like he did to you once.  You and Steve met when they had first found him in ice.  You were instructed to show him how things worked in this world today and introduce him to the twenty-first century.  You two had immediately clicked.  

You were there for the man when he had no one.  You were there when he had a question about everything around him.  And when you say everything, you mean EVERYTHING.  You actually loved that about him.  How he was this big, muscular man, but he was so innocent and did everything with soft, precise movements.  

Your falling out had began when Steve had found Peggy Carter, his first love.  He would visit her each day, unless he had a mission.  You were understanding.  This was the only connection he had to your past.  You were happy that he found Peggy.

But his visits grew longer.  You had barely felt like he was there.  Dinners were left untouched and cold on his side.  You would go to bed alone.  You had barely felt like Steve was in your life.  To say it did not upset you would be an absolute lie.  Each time you would try and confront him, he would say he’s busy and leave to visit Peggy.  

The distance had only grown further when Peggy had passed.  Steve had completely changed to a whole new person.  He kept to himself and barely had a conversation with you.  The only answers you could get was either a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answer.  You stilled stayed with him.  You seemed to convince yourself that it was just a phase.

But you had totally given up on the relationship, when you had found Steve and Sharon kissing.  You felt your heart break into a million pieces.  You had had enough then.  You left the home you shared and returned to live back on base.

You both had resolved your issues when he returned back to base.  Tears were shed, and screaming ensued.  But in the end, you both shook on being friends.  You wished  time would let you heal and get over Steve.  You have not, of course.  

In the current moment, you could not tear your eyes away from the couple.  It only breaks you heart more.  You feel the stinging of tears in your eyes.  You blink quickly trying to rid them.  Sharon notices you and waves with a smile.  Steve turns around and smiles at you and nods.  You feel yourself give a robotic smile and wave before walking away..  The further you distance yourself, the faster your pace is to your room.  When you make it the elevator, you say to yourself, “Don’t you dare cry.  The pain is going to fade soon enough if we keep it in.  Don’t you dare break, (Y/N).  You repeated this to yourself the entire night.

“Stone cold, baby,

God knows I tried to feel

Happy for you,

Know that I am, even if I

Can’t understand, I’ll take the pain,”

It was movie night at the Avengers Tower.  Everyone had huddled into the movie theater with their own sets of blankets and movie snacks.  You had snuggled between Wanda and Clint using both as pillows.  In front of the three of you, were Steve and Sharon.  

It is not you tried to be bitter when the pair were together.  You wanted to be happy for the both of them.  Every time you tried, you found yourself putting your own feelings first.  

What was it that made him want her?  Her beautiful, blonde hair?  Her big, brown eyes?  Could it be her athletic build or how she held herself?  What had Steve so hypnotized and deeply in love with Sharon Carter?  Were you just a distraction before he could find the one.  

You thoughts were covered with questions and insecure thoughts.  You tried to push it aside and be happy for him.  He deserved your support.  He was your friend.  Just a friend.  As if he knew you were thinking about him, he turned around and smiled at you.  

Your heart fluttered at the sight.  If it could only mean more.  You smiled back and motioned him to focus back on Sharon.  He nods his head and turns towards her, kissing her cheek.  He snuggles her closer and whispers something in her ear.  She tries to hold back a laugh.  You could only smiling imagining it be being on of his many bad jokes.  If they were happy, you should be too.

“Stone cold, stone cold,

You’re dancing with her, while I’m staring at my phone,

Stone cold, stone cold,

I was your amber, but now she’s your shade of gold,”

You and the rest of the Avengers were invited to the governor’s ball.  You had begged for the rest to leave you at home and let them have your fun.  You had even gone as far as pretending that you were sick.  Of course, they had seen through your facade.  Wanda and Nat had forced you into a gown and dragged you to the car.

That is how you found yourself at the bar, moving your cherry in circles in the glass.  You glanced out at the couples and found Steve and Sharon dancing.  You smiled softly at the couple.  They were very beautiful together.  Sharon’s gown complimented Steve’s eye.  The way he looked at her had only brought back memories.

You were in the kitchen cooking dinner.  Steve was helping you tonight.  You smiled at him as he hummed along to the songs.  Your favorite song, Thinking Out Loud by Ed Sheeran, began to play out the speakers.  

“Ugh!  Steve listen to his angelic voice.  The way he sings can swoon any girl right off her feet,” you said, closing your eyes and swaying side to side.  

You felt Steve’s arm slide around your waist, while he took the opposite hand in yours.  He began to dance around the room causing you to laugh loudly.  “Steve!  I can’t dance,” you said, trying to escape his grasp.

“You’re doing fine, just let go,” he said.  He dropped your hand and wrapped both arms around your waist.  He snuggled his head into your neck, humming with satisfaction.

You rolled your eyes and replied, “Great thing to say to a control freak.”  You had reluctantly wrapped your arms around his neck and let the beat guide you both.  

‘And darling I will be loving you ‘til we’re 70,

And baby my heart could still fall as hard at 23,

And I’m thinking ‘bout how people fall in love in mysterious ways,

Maybe just the touch of a hand,

Oh me I fall in love with you every single day,

And I just wanna tell you I am,’

You could live this moment and play it ten million times over.  You felt that a World War III could happen, and you would be completely safe in Steve’s arms.  It felt like the whole world had diminished around you both.  In that moment, it was you and Steve, as he hummed the song in your ear.

When you both looked at each, you could feel yourself falling yourself into a deep, deep hole that you could never dig yourself out of.  The look in his eyes could only confirm what you both were feeling.  The warm feeling inside your and how your heart beats faster with those piercing blue eyes.  Oh, how you wish you stare into them forever.

“I love you,” he says quietly for you to hear.

“I love you,”  you repeat back to him.  You both lean in and it feels like the first kiss you both ever shared all over again.  You wish to have that memory written down in history as you both shared your first ‘I love you’s’.  

You were bought back to reality when Tony had shook your shoulder.  “You okay?”  He asks with concern plastered on his face.  

You look down and see your tears on the bar.  You looked away patting your eyes.  “I’m fine.  I just need to go home and get some rest.”  You hurried out of the seat before Tony could question you any further.  Before you could leave the ballroom, you looked back at Steve.  You watched the way he stared at Sharon, as it had been the same look he had when he told you he loved you.

“Give me the truth, me and my heart,

We’ll make it through,

If happy is her, I’m happy for you,

Don’t wanna be stone cold, stone,

I wish I could mean this but here’s your goodbye,”

It had been another tough mission, especially for you.  Your job was to secure the building before it could fall down.  You thought you had it cleared.  You checked every floor and room.  You called out for responses and did not hear one.  It wasn’t until you were out of the building and looking up.  It was then you noticed the little boy waving a white flag.

Before you could register what you were doing, you tried to rush into the building the save the boy.  You felt a pair of strong arms pull you off.  You look at Steve and see his pained eyes.  “It’s too late, (Y/N).”

You kept thrashing against him. “No, it’s not!  I can make it, Steve!  Just let me go!  Please!  I can do it!” You said.  Right as you finished your sentence, you hear the building begin to fall down.  You shout ‘no’ only hoping it could stop.  Steve holds you tight against his chest barely budging.  

When the building had crumbled down to half it size, you turned towards Steve with the most menacing look.  “This is your fault!  He is dead now because of you Steve!  I could have saved him!”  You shouted.  You continued to shout obscenities at him.  You had banged against his chest, ridding yourself of your anger.  When you finally finished, you looked down defeated.  You mumbled, “He shouldn’t have been a casualty.”

“I wasn’t going to let you be a casualty too, (Y/N),”  he said.  You looked into his eyes and saw defeat.  He pulled you in for a tight hug, running his hands through your hair.  You hugged back tightly for him being there.  Knowing if he wasn’t, you’d be in that crumbled mess of a building  You pull yourself apart and walk towards the jet with Steve’s eyes following you.

When you arrived back at base, you were the first one off.  You rushed to your room, only hoping a steaming shower could rid you of today’s memory.  When you finished you slipped on a hoodie and sweatpants.  

You then climbed out your window climbed up to the roof.  The roof was your safe spot after every rough mission.  You find yourself staring at the sky, lost in the dark sky.  You would spot the stars and had only wish to be there this current moment.  

It wasn’t long before you heard shuffling and a body coming to your spot.  You had not acknowledge the presence and closed your eyes, listening to nature at night.

The person stood there quietly.  It was moments until he spoke.  “I saw your window open, and I only guessed that you could be up here,” Steve said, sitting down next to your.  

You sat up and hand you arms on your knees.

“It’s been awhile since I’ve been up here.  This view is still so breathtaking,” he said.  You looked at the skyline and watched all the bright lights.  After a few more quiet moments, Steve looks towards you.  “You okay?  I know this mission was tough.”

You nodded your head.  “I’m fine… I just wish that boy wasn’t one of my casualties.  I should have done my job better.  If I had I would have found him and brought him out.  He wouldn’t be dead, Steve.  He looked so young,” you said.  You took a breath and closed your eyes trying to prevent the tears from falling.

“Hey, it wasn’t your fault, okay?  He probably didn’t hear you.  We all know you did your best out there.  You put your whole self out there on each mission, (Y/N).  Without you, we’d have nothing done.  We’d probably be more injured than I care to admit.   I know you tried everything you could out there.  Believe it or not, you’re the strongest out of all of us..  You could always endure more when it came to missions.  You make us look like wusses,” Steve admitted.  

You laughed shaking your head.  He laughed along with your and wrapped his arms around you.  You smiled appreciating his comfort, placing a hand on top of his.  You laid your head on his shoulder and let the view relax you both.

You had only wished for times to be like this.  After each mission, you two would bring your box of pizza up and talk about endless things.  You had only wished for moments like these.  You yearned for them.

It felt like a lifetime before Steve started moving around.  “I should really go.  Sharon was making dinner, and I said I would help.  Do you want to come eat with us?”  Steve asked, hope in his eyes.  You shook your head, declining his offer.  “Well, I guess I’ll see you later, right?”  You nodded your head before turning back to your view.  Steve had started climbing down when you shouted his name.  “Yeah?”

“Are you happy with her?”  You asked.  You watched as confusion etched onto his face.

“Yeah, she’s made me the happiest man,” he said, smiling at the thought of Sharon.  You nod your head and feel your heart constricting.

“Do you love her?”  You asked.

“Why are you asking these questions, (Y/N)?”

You took a deep breath before replying, “It just got me thinking if I did go into that building, I would be dying with a broken heart and pain.  Pain from our break-up.  If you can convince me that you love her, then you’re helping me move on, Steve.  I need to move on.  I don’t want to hold onto you forever.  I want to find my own love.”

He nods his head thinking.  He replies with, “I love the way she can make me the happiest man with just one look.  Her smile, it’s so breathtaking.  Knowing I’m the cause, I always feel like the wind has been knocked out of me.  I love how she is so selfless.  She could care less about her life.  If she can just another’s, I know her life would be complete.  How her touch can electrify every feeling in my body, awakening in my senses.  I love how she stares off into the distance, and you know she’s thinking about something real hard.  I love no matter what pain she’s feeling, she’ll mask it just so no one will worry about her.  I could shout to the Gods above and profess my love.”

You looked at him and smiled.  “You two were meant to be.  Thank you, Steve.  Have a good dinner.”  You bid him farewell.  He waves goodbye and climbs in through the window.