#neil josten cant catch a break

[iqueenlost]

Part 3/5 of my Andreil fake dating au

Check Part 1 Part 2

Buckle up guys!

@dreamerthinker @folkit @lalalaets @julesghouls98 @tesadoraofphaedra @objectifymecaptain @holyshitthatsilegal @ourshadowstars @bumpingbees @madrasiiuvu @lillyndra @themundanemudperson

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In anticipation of the date he planned to take Andrew Neil didn't have a good night of sleep. Too much energy coursing through his body begging to be let out. So as soon as the sun began to peek on the horizon Neil got up and went on a run, hoping that it would make him less jumpy until Andrew was ready to get up. He planned to let him sleep in and rest from all the long nights he pulled in the last month. 

 After running almost the double of miles he usually did in the mornings and still having not wasted half of his energy, he stopped at the cat cafe to kill time until it was close enough to a reasonable hour to get Andrew out of bed. When it was almost nine he began to make his way back to the apartment after buying Andrew his favorite heart attack-inducing concoction.

The apartment was silent and dark and Andrew was still asleep when he stumbled in a few minutes later, so he busied himself with showering and having breakfast. He had just put on some music at a low volume and was scrolling through his social media for a while, checking what his friends and students were up to when his phone rang. 

“Shit, shit, shit.” Neil chanted while trying to pick up the call or just turn off the damn sound before Andrew woke up with all the noise. 

Uncle Stuart's name read on the screen. “Why are you calling so early?” Neil asked when he finally picked it up.

“Oh, I thought I would check on you. As I always do. On every Saturday. It’s not like you don't wake before sunrise anyway.” He said, sarcasm dripping from his rasping voice.

“Andrew’s sleeping,” Neil said in a hushed tone, as if he spoke in a normal volume Andrew would wake up, even though his room was on the far end of the corridor and the farthest from the kitchen.

“Are you in his bed perhaps?” Stuart wondered.

“What?” Neil squeaked, heat tracking down his neck. Just what the heck was Stuart thinking? “Of course not.”

“Of course,” He repeated dully. “Then it doesn't have any relevance.”

Neil clicked his tongue, his finger tapping on the counter in annoyance. “Good to know you’re still an arse.”

“It’s genetic, as you may know.”

That seemed in fact to be the case, Neil couldn't count the times he had relished in being difficult just for the sake of being difficult, and Stuart was one of his preferred victims. 

“I hate you,” Neil said, without any heat in his tone.

From the other side, Stuart sighed and Neil heard a door opening and closing.

“So you have said, multiple times. It’s almost like being back in time.”

“Did you want anything or just be a pain in the ass?” He asked as he crossed his arms, a frown settling between his brows.

“A little respect would be good.”

“Sorry, we’re out of those.” He smirked.

Stuart sighed and Neil's smirk transformed into a full-fledged smile.

“Anyway, Lisa wants to know if you are coming for Christmas.”

Lisa was Uncle Stuart’s platonic life partner, they have been living together since Neil’s senior year. They had met when Stuart traveled to Australia for a work conference and instantly hit it off. They were the closest thing to soulmates Neil had ever seen and the fact that they didn't need to have a sexual relationship to be happy together had once been a comfort to Neil.

“Christmas’ still weeks away.” Neil voiced in doubt.

“You know her and her infatuation with the damn holiday.” Neil could almost see the frown on Stuart's face from his tone. For all his grouchiness about Christmas, or any other holiday for that matter, he always went along with whatever Lisa wanted to do.

“Tell her I have to check with Andrew.”

Andrew used to go to England with Neil instead of spending the holiday with his brother, as Aaron spent Christmas with Katelyn's family. It had started before Nick moved back from Germany with Eric, so it was convenient for Andrew to make the trip down to Germany and spend the New Year with them. The last two years though since Nick had come back Andrew opted for not going and Neil had been a little less excited to visit Stuart and spent weeks away from him.

“You do know you can come without him, right? It’s you she wants to fawn over, not him.”

“I know–”

“Your codependency is getting worse and worse,” Stuart interrupted. “And you haven’t even won him over yet”

“I’m hanging up,” Neil announced, suddenly annoyed with the conversation.

He heard Stuart clicking his tongue as he complained. “It’s like you don’t even respect me anymore.”

“Never really did, it shouldn’t be a surprise.” Neil sassed back.

“Bog off, you prat.” He said, hanging up himself and Neil laughed.

Sometimes he really missed Stuart, even though when Stuart chose to go back to England in Neil’s sophomore year of college Neil had felt like he was gaining freedom. Stuart tended to worry and hover too much about him after they found their foot in their relationship and became closer. It had taken some time but by the time Neil was seventeen he and Uncle Stuart had developed a special bond. Neil was grateful Stuart had chosen to take him instead of dropping him in the foster system, even though he had to uproot his life in England to take care of him. Neil knew he would not have the life he had now had Stuart made a different choice back then. He would never have met Andrew or his other friends. He couldn't imagine the path his life would have taken then.

He got up to put his plate on the sink when Andrew’s voice came from behind him, making him jump a little. “You Uncle?”

Neil turned back smiling brightly at him. “You up! I thought you would sleep in today.”

“Uhm.” Andrew hummed before going for the coffee machine.

“I brought you coffee.” Neil pointed to the to-go cup on the counter. “Or should I call it dessert?” He grinned.

Andrew made a gimme gesture opening and closing his hand. He looked soft, having just woken up, with hair sticking up in all directions, eyes only half open and a sleep line running down his left cheek.

Neil could feel that he was smiling as he observed the softness on Andrew’s face and marveled at the domesticity of their life. A few years ago when they met –when Neil had just moved to Palmetto and started his sophomore year– if someone had told him he would fall in love with Andrew he would’ve laughed hard at them. At that time Neil could see no light in sight. Even one year after the trial his father’s shadow still blocked every little speck of light from reaching him and the fact that his mother cast him aside and fled their nightmare without him was still an oozing infected wound in his chest, impeding him from ever thinking of trusting someone again. To this day he still didn't know where she was and deep down he hoped she would never return, there was some hurt that time couldn’t heal.

He felt the smile on his face slip away at the prick of pain that shot to his heart. Andrew took a step in Neil's direction, gaze locked on him as he placed his now empty cup on the counter beside Neil “What is wrong?” He asked in a concerned tone that no one but Neil would have been able to perceive.

There it was again, Andrew's superpower was his ability to read Neil's microexpression. “Nothing, just thinking.” Neil smiled sadly. “About how time flies, it seems like it was yesterday you were threatening to kick me down the school’s roof.”

That’s where they met for the first time. Neil hiding from everyone and his hurt and Andrew skipping a class he thought was dreadful to smoke on the roof.

Andrew's nose wrinkled. “Don't get sentimental on me.”

“Oh, you know me. Love to reminisce.” Neil smiled wide at him. “Breakfast?” He changed the subject as he walked to the fridge. “We need to go grocery shopping sometime soon, can you on Monday? I have classes only in the morning.”

“Dick Dylan gave me a three-day leave, so I’m back only on Thursday.”

Dick Dylan, who was actually named Richard Dylan O'Connell, was what Andrew called his boss, the district attorney. They had started on the wrong foot when Andrew first got the job but although they now had a decent work relationship the nickname stuck.

“That's good,” Neil said. “Scrambled eggs?” He asked, already taking the egg carton out and looking back to see Andrews nod.

They worked together like a well-oiled machine to make Andrew’s breakfast as Neil had already eaten. Afterwards, they moved it plus armfuls of snacks and Andrew’s favorite flavor of ice cream to the living room to watch TV for the next few hours.

Neil dropped to the couch and put his feet on the coffee table getting comfortable. “What are we watching?” He asked as he turned the TV on with the remote. To his delight, Andrew chose to sit right beside him instead of moving to the end of the couch.

“Anime,” was Andrew's response so Neil chose a random anime from the most watched list from their streaming platform.

That was how they spent most weekends that Andrew didn't have to work. Jumping from show to show until they found something binge-worthy that led to hours in front of the TV. But today Neil had a plan. First, he had to flirt with Andrew and then convince him to go on a date. So, even though he felt like a teenager, halfway through the second episode of the bloody ghost horror anime they had landed on he stretched his arms out and put it on the backrest of the couch being careful to not touch Andrew as he gauged at his reaction.

Neil’s heart said goodbye to life when Andrew glanced at him for a minute before adjusting his position so he was now leaning a little into Neil’s arm, almost cuddling. He had to remind himself that he had been this close to Andrew before and that just because he was feeling different about it, it didn’t necessarily mean Andrew did as well.

Over the years Andrew had become more and more comfortable with touch. He still had days where he couldn't stand the feeling of someone close to him let alone putting their hands on his body, but there were days where he accepted a pat on the shoulder from Aaron or hugs from Nicky, Renee, and Bee. Neil was in another whole category, Neil was the only person Andrew ever let lay down next to him without moving away.

Sometimes Neil felt guilty, Andrew trusted him enough to let his guard down with him yet every time he did Neil thought about touching him or kissing him. Someday Neil felt dirty that he would even think of that while knowing everything Andrew went through, that he would even think of that when Andrew had no idea what he was imagining in his messed up mind. Although he would never hurt Andrew and he always asked if Andrew was okay when he touched him, he still felt guilty.

He tried telling himself that it was different. He loved Andrew, always had and always would, his feelings for him went above just lust or sexual attraction. He was pretty sure he only desired Andrew because he loved him. So he asked every time he wanted to take and never took what Andrew couldn't give him. That’s why he needed to confess, to see if Andrew also wanted him. Whatever Andrew wanted he would give without a second thought even if what he wanted was for Neil to go away.

“Can I touch your hair?” He asked when the credits of the episode rolled up. When Andrew looked up at him blankly he spoke again. “Yes or no, Andrew?”

“Yes.” Andrew breathed, voice so small and unlike his unapologetic and monotone way of speaking. As if he also felt the pent-up tension in the air. As if he also was bracing himself for what it all could mean. Neil asked himself if it was possible that Andrew finally caught up to what was really going on here.

Time seemed to slow down and the air between them crackled with electricity as Neil moved the arm around Andrew’s shoulder so he could slip his fingers into Andrew’s soft hair. Neil felt Andrew shudder when his fingernails scratched very lightly at his scalp. The whole time Andrew’s eyes never strayed from Neil’s. His intense golden eyes pierced through Neil as if reading Neil’s soul and figuring out all his secrets. After years of being invisible and overlooked, being known had an addictive thrill to it.

The loud opening music from the anime startled them out of the moment they were having and Andrew's gaze moved back to the TV, where it stayed glued to the screen. Neil bit down on his lower lip to avoid laughing out loud but his finger never stopped moving, feeling up and down the length of the locks on the top of Andrew’s head.

They watched two more episodes while Neil continued fondling Andrew’s hair before Neil finally proposed the idea to Andrew. “We’re going out today.” He said, barely containing his enthusiasm. “On a date.”

“Why would we?” Andrew asked, looking extremely cozy in his nest of blankets and cushions and head now fully placed on Neil’s shoulder. He had to turn his head to look up at Neil’s eyes. Their faces were close enough that if Neil bent his head a little their lips would touch.

“Because our friends are coming for dinner and we have to act like a couple so we should do coupley things,  like a date.” He said innocently, even when his mind supplied him with the memory of Allison telling him that the two of them already acted like a married couple.

But that wasn’t relevant now, today he would blow Andrew’s mind with an unforgettable date that would ruin all other dates for Andrew, making him completely captivated by only Neil and no one else. Then his only choice would be to date Neil. Bold statement, Neil was aware of it, but what he lacked in experience he made up in determination.

“That doesn't make any sense, and they’re your friends.” Andrew rebutted, sadly moving away from Neil's embrace.

“Renee’s coming,” He pointed out.  “And she’s been your friend and sparring buddy long before I even joined the group.”

“I still see no correlation,” Andrew stated seriously and a small smile blossomed on Neil’s lips. Renee was the only one Andrew never denied being friends with. It was cute actually, the bond between them.

“We’re going," Neil insisted, hitting Andrew with the best puppy eyes he could muster. “We can have breakfast food for lunch or a dessert feast, just like when we were in college.”

Andrew looked at him in silence before sighing. “You're paying.”

“Of course.” Neil grinned. “What kind of date would I be if I didn’t? I let you know I was raised right.”

He hadn’t and Andrew knew that but what was important was that he had a whole plan thought out, starting with lunch at a nice bistro that had opened recently and looked really good when he passed it on the way to work. It was right next to a used bookstore that was obscure enough that it would probably be almost empty and allow them to browse for books in peace after lunch. Then they would walk to a roller rink, where Neil would teach Andrew how to roller skate. It would be the perfect opportunity to get close and touch him without making Andrew uncomfortable. It was also a good opportunity to get Andrew to maybe kiss him. It was going to be perfect and by the end of the day, Andrew and him would be a true couple.

— — —

The truth was that things started to deviate from the plan the moment Andrew and Neil arrived at the bistro. The trip there was good, they talked and listened to Andrew's emo rock road trip playlist, and Andrew even sang along to the lyrics with Neil.  But when they were just about to enter the bistro a voice called out for Neil. “Yo, Mr. Josten.” The boy –that Neil recognized as being Ajax– hurrying over to them said cheerily. “Yo, Mr. Josten’s friend.” He added nodding at Andrew.

Neil did not want to meet someone from school right now, in fact, it was the last thing that he wanted to happen that day.

“Ajax,” Neil said flatly, sending daggers Ajax’s way in the hope he would get the memo and scram.

The little shit grinned with an evil glint in his eyes. Neil was sure he got the memo and didn't leave just to annoy him. “Are you guys going in? Can I join you guys? I haven’t eaten yet and I’m hungry.” He circled his arms over his belly dramatically.

Andrew shrugged and went into the bistro. Ajax sent Neil a little wink before following him in. Neil pinched the bridge of his nose, a vein pulsing in his temple. What the hell? He was sure some entity in hell was laughing at him right now but in the end, Neil had no other choice but to enter the bistro following behind Ajax and Andrew.

Neil had passed this bistro numerous times and always thought it looked good from the outside.  As for the inside, the first thing he noticed when he entered was that the place was really nice, with warm light wood flooring, cushioned chairs and cabinets in a mint color, dark wood tables, and a lot of plants distributed throughout the space. The windows that faced the street went up almost to the ceiling and allowed in plenty of natural light. Neil didn’t know much about decor but he liked the homey feeling of this place.

Andrew chose a table with four chairs on the far end of the room beside one of the windows and Ajax sat down on the chair on Andrew's left, backing the rest of the restaurant, so Neil chose to sit on the chair directly in front of Andrew.

He turned to Ajax as soon as he was seated trying his best to not sound too grumpy. “What are you doing here?”

“My father was supposed to spend the day with me but he left halfway through brunch because Tara called and said Eli didn’t feel so good. It’s probably a lie because she doesn’t like him spending time with us. I mean, me specifically, I look too much like my mother for her liking. 

Neil never met or saw a photo of Ajax's mother, she’d died when Ajax was seven, and apparently, his dad burned everything she owned and every photo in a fit of grief-stricken anger –at least that's what Jason had info dumped on Neil at the beginning of the school year. It was a fact though that Ajax was very different from the rest of his blonde-haired, green-eyed family. Ajax's hair was a mess of oak brown curls on top of his head and his baby blue eyes always looked bright with amusement, even when he was feeling down. His sharp features were all angles and almost no softness, making him look like a mischievous elf.

He was shorter than Neil, about Andrew's height but Neil could tell he had some growing up to do. He was ready to bet that next year Ajax would go through a growth spurt and come back to school much taller than Neil, it was all in the hands and feet, that were disproportionately large for his small body.

Neil cleaned his throat not knowing the appropriate way of reacting. If this was about one of his friends he could shit-talk the other party to his heart's content but Ajax was his student. He couldn’t very well talk like that about his students' parents even though some of them deserved it, so he chose to change the subject. “Ajax, this is Andrew.”

Ajax turned to observe Andrew with sharp eyes. “You the guy that picked up Mr. Josten yesterday.”

“Very observant of you,” Andrew replied and Ajax narrowed his eyes trying to determine if Andrew was mocking him.

“How do you know Mr. Josten?”

“From high school.”

“Are you a teacher as well? Don't look like it.”

“From when he was in high school.” Andrew clarified. “And what does a teacher look like?”

“Wow! That's ages ago.” Neil did not appreciate the jab, he was 26, and that was hardly old. “ And I don't know, boring?” Ajax shrugged.

“Hey!” Neil exclaimed, offended. First old and now boring? He did not look boring, not at all.

Andrew smirked a little. “Well, thank you.”

“So…” The boy asked as he placed his elbow on the table. “What do you do?”

“Is this 20 questions?” Neil was close to having an aneurysm. He glared at Ajax, forgetting that he had sympathized with him a moment ago, and begged the boy to take a hint in his mind. “And if yes it should be me asking, as this is my date.

“This is a date? I couldn’t tell.” He directed big, innocent doe eyes at them.

“Do you enjoy annoying me?” By the glint in Ajax's eyes, Neil was pretty sure the answer was yes.

“I'm just surprised you're interested in dating.” He turned back to Andrew as he explained. “When the year had just started a few girls asked Mr. Josten if he had a girlfriend. When he said no they asked if he had a boyfriend e do you know what he said?” Ajax inclined over the tabletop in Andrew’s direction with an eager expression, as if confiding a secret.

“Do tell me,” Andrew said and Ajax paused, unsure if he was really interested in hearing the story. It was clear Andrew's monotone was confusing to him, but still, he wouldn’t pass the chance to make fun of Neil. Maybe Neil should be more distant with his students but he enjoyed being the favorite teacher even though the least-liked teacher more often than not was the one who taught math. He liked being a contradiction.

“He said he didn’t swing.” Ajax laughed. “Do you believe it? I could hear their hearts breaking”

“He’s been saying that for years.” 

“Why did you even agree to go on a date with him?” He pointed at Neil with his head as if he couldn't fathom why Andrew would want to.

“He accosted me while we watched anime,” Andrew replied and Ajax nodded in understanding. He was just about to say something else when the waitress reached their table to take their order.

“My name’s Jenny and I will be your waitress for today. What can I get you guys?” She asked in a cheerful way and with a pleasant smile. 

She turned slightly to Neil and presented him with the menu along with a bat of her eyes but Neil didn't give her a second look and immediately passed the menu on to Andrew, who arched a brow at the situation before taking it

“Can you order something for us?” He asked before looking at Ajax. “Ajax, can I talk to you for a minute?”

Neil then led Ajax to a corner of the bistro close to the entrance. “Ajax, I like you a lot, kid, but God help me if you don't go away I’ll make sure you don't graduate from high school forever. I’m trying to do something here.”

“Relax, Mr. Josten. I didn’t intend to really crash your date with Loverboy anyway, I was just having some fun getting under your skin.

“Good, bye then.” Neil turned to go back to his and Andrew’s table but Ajax spoke again. “Make sure to say only good things to Jason at the next teacher-parents meeting. No bullying stuff to be mentioned.”

Neil made a face but at Ajax’s arched eyebrow, he nodded. It would depend on what the other kids were doing to Ajax when the time came. He was always a liar at heart anyway, one more, one less wouldn't make a difference at this point, so he promised away.

When he returned to the table Andrew glanced up from the menu. “You didn't need to send him away. It’s not like this is a real date.”

It hurt a little that Andrew was shrugging off every one of Neil's hints and not seeing this as a real date. Neil didn't know if Andrew was just that oblivious or if this was his way of letting Neil down gently. Was he not being clear enough that he wanted to get in Andrew in his pants? Better yet, he wanted Andrew’s heart because his heart had beaten only for Andrew’s for years now.

Neil forced a laugh before saying. “Ajax is a great kid, but I’m not sure how to act when I meet students out of school. Besides, this is our test drive.”

“Test drive?” Andrew arched an eyebrow at that.

“Yes, if we convince everyone we meet that we are a couple we can convince our friends too.”

“That’s a flawed logic.” Andrew pointed out. “Our friends have known us for years. Those people don’t know how we usually act.”

Neil gave Andrew his brightest smile. “Our friends,” he emphasized. “Thought we were a couple for years.”

Andrew's eyes narrowed and he crossed his arm, leaning back on the chair as he observed Neil like he was the weirdest creature on the planet. “Then what is the point of today?”

“You’ll know soon enough. Now, what did you want to order? Are we doing breakfast at lunch, just dessert, or what?”

In the end, they did not order breakfast food but had pasta instead, along with half the dessert menu. When they were getting ready to leave another unpredictable situation arose. Their waitress, who Neil had not given much thought to during their time there, thought it was a good idea to hit on Neil when he was clearly on a date.

They were preparing to leave and Neil had waived to her so she could bring them their bill when she passed him a note with her phone number and a kiss mark to him instead. “Call me if you want to have fun sometime?” She drawled out in what Neil thought was an attempt at a sultry voice. A poor one at that, 0 out of 10. Not attractive at all.

He gave her a polite closed-lip smile before saying as he nodded his head at Andrew. “I don't think my boyfriend would like that very much.”

“Oh, I'm not jealous, your boy can come too.” She chuckled lightly at her own joke as her hand went up to Neil’s arms and stroked it. Neil faltered at her lack of senses before he tried to shrink away from her touch. Yeah, Neil would not be coming back to this restaurant. What was a pity, he’d liked the ambiance and the food had been really good but staff that didn't get boundaries was a turnoff.

 Andrew's face got dark the second the blonde waitress put her hands on Neil and he slammed his fist at the table, growling when the waitress looked back at him with wide eyes. She was trembling, Neil noticed.

“I suggest you keep your hands to yourself if you don’t want to lose it.” He threatened. His expression was so vicious that he looked like an avenging angel passing on due judgment to an insignificant mortal. That Neil could attest was a turn-on.

“We would like the check now,” Neil informed the spooked waitress, he couldn't even remember her name. “If she acts like this with everyone who comes here for a date she’s not getting much tips.” He said out loud when she went away at an admirable speed.

“Don’t act like you don’t have a mirror at home,” Andrew said evenly, the cold anger in his eyes slowly disappearing.

“Is that your way of saying you think I'm pretty?” Neil asked, batting his eyelashes at Andrew. “Well, thank you, love.”

“Let's get the fuck out of here before I get indigestion.” He changed the subject without denying it, which made Neil immensely happy.

— — — 

After leaving the bisto they moved to the bookstore next door, that part of the date unfolded like Neil expected at least. The bookstore was almost empty and they spent their time there browsing the shelves and reading while laying on one of the couches. In the end, Andrew brought six books and Neil found two books that looked interesting so wrote down the titles so he could buy the audiobooks, as he hardly had the patience for reading but liked hearing the stories while he was running or working out at the gym.

“What did you buy?” He asked Andrew when they walked out of the store.

“Two thrillers, one fantasy book, one horror comic, and two books about legal matters regarding child and family law.”

When they reached the parking lot they stopped by the Maserati so Andrew could throw in the paper bag with his new books before continuing to walk to their next location as it was close enough. Neil looked at Andrew's hand intensely until Andrew sighed and offered it up to him. Neil smiled softly and held Andrew’s hand.

“I thought you weren't interested in child and family law,” Neil commented.

“Bee offered me a job at her non-profit.” He said. “It would be a step down in terms of pay, but–” He cut himself with a sigh. Neil could tell he was feeling conflicted about it.

Andrew had told Neil about Betsy's non-profit. She had always been involved in some kind of charity but last year she had begun her own dedicated to helping abused kids and or parents. They offered free counseling and basic medical help, legal counsel, and shelter to those who found themself in need.

“Are you sure you want to work there?” Neil asked in concern and Andrew scowled at him. “I’m serious Andrew, this last month was difficult, with Georgie's case and everything. Working at Betsy’s non-profit would put you in constant contact with children in home situations like that.”

“It’s a good cause,” was all he said, eyes cast down so Neil wouldn't get a good read at them. But Neil knew how to read Andrew even if he was avoiding his eyes.

“I know, and I think the work she’s doing is admirable –Hell, I was a kid in a difficult home situation once– but you have to think what is best for you. Can you cope with it without it triggering you, or hurting you? It’s not the time to be altruistic at the expense of yourself. You taught me that.”

“It would be good if I were to foster in the future.” He uttered.

Neil was so shocked by that statement that he tripped on his feet and would have fallen if Andrew hadn't pulled him back by the grip he had on Neil’s hand.

Neil looked at Andrew with wide eyes, mouth hanging up. “You want to foster?” He gulped while he waited for Andrew to respond. This had never been something Andrew had remotely alluded to before.

“I thought about it. I don't know if I could with– with my record, but hell if I know. People of worse history have become foster parents before.”

“You would be great at it, I'm sure.” Neil squeezed his hand. “You have always been a caregiver.”

Andrew scoffed but said nothing more.

They walked in silence for a little before Neil spoke again, “I’m going to support you in whatever you decide, you know that, right?” Andrew hummed. “I meant it Andrew, I'm here and I'm never going away as long as you want me here.”

Andrew looked down at their hands clasped together before nodding. Neil directed him a smile, hoping it would convey everything he couldn't say yet. He even allowed himself to imagine a life where he and Andrew fostered or adopted together. He loved Stuart and was immensely grateful for him but the time he spent in his care wasn't what he could call home, even when Lisa had come along. And Neil desperately wanted it, deep down he knew he wanted the picket fence dream, and he wanted it with Andrew. That thought made him even more determined to end this date on a high note.

He had high hopes when he walked into their last location, the roller rink. The place was new, only about six months since its inauguration. He had heard about it from a few people and Allison and Renee had a date there that Alisson described as one of their best ones yet. Neil waggered it would be a good place for their date, with good activities to do together, good junk food, and good music. It had a few points that could be counted as a con. 

As soon as Neil walked in he was hit with the smell of buttered popcorn and cotton candy that brought Neil back to the time he skipped summer school class to go to the amusement park with Andrew before Andrew went on his university tour trip with Aaron and Katelyn. They were going to visit about six schools even though they most probably would go to USC. At that time he was about to begin his junior year, but he was determined to graduate early so he could join Andrew’s college the next year.

Neil, Aaron, Katelyn, Andrew, and Kevin had decided to spend the day there before they all left the next day. It would have been almost like a double date if it wasn't for Kevin. Back then he had spent half the time angry and jealous of Andrew and Kevin's relationship even though it was clear they were just friends. The second half was better as he convinced Andrew to slip away to go to a haunted house and lose the rest of them.

“Doesn't this remind you of that time we went to the amusement park?” He tugged at Andrew's hand, aiming a cheeky smile at him.

“The one you spent half the time arguing with Kevin.”

“What can I say, he was a pain in the ass back then.”

“This implies he isn't one now.” 

Neil rolled his eyes at that and pointed to the counter next to the entrance. “Do you want to get us the skates?”

Andrew shrugged but walked over to the counter fishing his wallet from his tight skinny jeans’ pocket. Neil observed him go and tried to calm down a bit, now he needed courage and mentally prepared for what he needed to do. He was going to ask if Andrew wanted to kiss him any moment now.

“Oh, Mr. Josten,” A voice called out for him and Neil sighed. Please God, not now, he pleaded, but when he turned a middle-aged woman stood in front of him. “ What a surprise to see you here.” 

“Because us teachers never leave the school,” Neil mumbled under his breath, annoyed to meet yet another person who knew him. Is it too much to ask people to pretend they don't know teachers when they see them in a social setting off-school?

“What did you say?” She asked, oblivious to his annoyance.

“Nothing, it’s good to see you, Mrs. Johnson. How is your husband? And Kate?”

“Good, good, just there, on the rink.” She pointed to the man in the red long-sleeve jersey who could barely stand up in the skates and the teenage girl who was trying to hold him up amid a laughing fit. “Too much of an adventure for me, you see. I could never.” She let out a high-pitched giggle that went straight to Neil’s brain and caused a headache to begin to form. “Is this a friend of yours?” She pointed at Andrew who had returned to Neil's side with their skates frowning in judgment.

Off work, Andrew was very different from his put-together work look. He was wearing black skinny jeans with rips on both knees, a tight black short-sleeved t-shirt, and black combat boots. The tattoos on his forearms peeked out from beneath his black armbands, a pop of red from one of the roses, the only color on him aside from the strands of mussed light blond hair he didn’t bother to comb that morning after Neil’s finger had made it even more of a mess. He had also put on his many earrings, plus the black eyebrow piercing that stood out so much more due to the contrast with his blonde brows.

“You could say that,” Neil paused dramatically. “We’re roommates.” He snickered a little, almost a giggle, and raised an eyebrow at her but Mrs. Johnson didn't get the joke. Not a fan of BL fiction apparently.

Andrew rolled his eyes at Neil’s antics and didn't bother even saying anything to Mrs. Johnson. “Here your death-on-wheels.” He said passing one of the patins to Neil.

Neil directed another fake smile at Mrs. Johnson, who still observed them confused. “It was great seeing you, Mrs. Johnson, but we’re going to adventure ourselves on the rink.” With that, he offered his hand to Andrew who after shrugging took it in his.

“Thank God you came back,” Neil said in a hushed tone. “It’s the second time we met someone I know from school today. We should have snuggled on the couch and watched TV instead, at least it would be just the two of us.”

Neil was beginning to develop a hatred for small towns. They encountered someone at every corner. They stopped briefly at the entrance of the rink to put on their skates before joining the crowd, Neil taking to it with graceful ease and Andrew unsteadily managing to balance himself.

“Remember me, why the hell did I agree to do this?” He grunted.

“Because you think I'm charming.” Neil was starting to believe it to be true as Andrew always went along with his crazy ideas. 

“You’ll be the death of me, Josten.” He grumbled and held tight to Neil’s forearms as his legs threatened to give out on him.

“Come on. Hold on to me and everything’ll be fine.”

“I hate you.”

“You know, you've been saying that for years and I believe it less and less.” Neil chuckled.

 “I’ll kill you in your sleep someday.” He threatened.

Neil’s brows went up and down in a suggestive way. “It would be easier if we shared a bed.”

“Not happening.” Andrew scoffed at Neil.

“Don't knock it till you try it,” Neil said, bringing Andrew closer to him. “Maybe sleeping with me is just what’s been missing from your life.” He whispered softly against Andrew’s hair.

“Can you shut up and keep us from falling and cracking our heads?” Andrew's voice came out rough and Neil's stomach made a cartwheel, a giddy smile rising in his face.

“Don’t worry if you fall I’ll catch you or fall with you. I’ve heard that falling together it's the best feeling.” Cheesy, Neil knew it but he couldn't stop now.

“What has got into you lately?” Andrew frowned and tried to move away to look at Neil’s face but when his skates started to slip and he almost lost balance he clanged to Neil again. “You have been talking nonsense all your life but this is a new level even for you”

“I have never been more aware of what I say, Andrew. Every little word I'm saying right now means something and I would appreciate it if you pieced it together. But now put your hand on my waist.”

“Sorry, what?”

“Come on, we’re dancing, now pull me close like you meant it. Hold tight to me, darling.” He winked.

“There are parents here.” Andrew declared flatly. “And I sure as hell am not dancing on these things.” he motioned to the rollers.

“So? It’s not like just because I’m a teacher I can’t have a personal life. If I want to dance in public with my boyfriend I can very well do that and screw what everyone else thinks. 

“But I’m not,” he said evenly. “Truly your boyfriend.”

“For now I’m saying you are. You can act like that whenever you want, you can even kiss me.”

“That’s not funny, Neil.” Andrew's face grew cold as he peered at Neil.

“I thought we had already established that I don't have a sense of humor.”

“This fact becomes more and more evident.” He said, before mumbling so low that Neil almost didn't catch what he said. “Just like you becoming more and more cruel.”

Neil faltered for a moment. He couldn't understand what Andrew meant so he asked, “What does that mean?”

“Nothing for you to know.” Andrew dismissed with a flick of his hand.

Neil pondered over it for a moment but came to no conclusion, so he just whirled them around the rink to the rhythm of a disco song avoiding the crazed teenagers that flew past them. Andrew's hands held tight to Neil in apprehension as if Neil was the only thing keeping him standing– which he pretty much was.

Neil was having the time of his life as he moved backward smiling the whole time. When they stopped in the center of the rink and a new song came on, Neil took the initiative to bend his head in Andrew's direction until their foreheads were touching, breath coming short at their proximity, and heart pounding in his chest. He was going to kiss Andrew now. It would be magic, he could already tell just by the way fireworks ignited on his stomach and his heart somersaulted out of his chest cavity. His palms became humid with sweat and his mouth dried out, but he was going to do it anyway. 

He leaned in, his mouth approaching Andrew’s until it was a hair away, and waited for Andrew to pull away. When he didn’t, Neil went for it. Just as their lips were about to touch Neil heard a loud whistle above the music and a cacophony of voice yelling. “Get it, Mr. Josten.”

His head snapped back to where six of his students were pillowed on top of one another on the bleaches at one side of the rink laughing and pointing at him. He looked back at Andrew to find him with a vacant gaze, blank face two shades paler than usual, looking as if he was going to be sick or pass out.

To be honest Neil didn't remember the last time he cried but right now he wanted to cry from sheer frustration, he was so close. He just wanted this day to be about him and Andrew. But instead, he encountered someone who knew him from school in every location he had planned. This was supposed to be the day he made Andrew his and instead, he now had his school kids making fun of them and ruining their first kiss before it even happened.

“Let’s go home.” He sighed, at least at home it was just the two of them, well that is until Allison and the other arrived for dinner.

They scurried away from the rink still hearing the chant of the noisy teenagers and Neil vowed to make the rest of their senior year hell. He would squish every little spark of joy from them with surprise tests and impossible-to-complete assignments until they cried and begged for mercy.

The walk and drive back home were silent, a gloomy cloud of self-doubt and loathing hovering above Neil’s head that grew bigger with each passing minute. Why wasn’t Andrew saying anything? Neil was sure he noticed what he was going to do on the rink. Andrew hadn’t pushed him away or given any indication that he didn’t want Neil to proceed and kiss him. But maybe he had just been too shocked to react, he had looked the closest to terrified Neil had ever seen him after the kid began to goad them to kiss.

Neil waited in agony until they reached their apartment and stopped in the middle of the living room before turning back to Andrew and questioning him. “Do you like me? Like, like-like me?” He said, immediately regretting it. Way to sound stupid on the most exhilarating and yet terrifying moment of his entire life.

Andrew blinked at him for one long, excruciating second before crossing his bulging arms. “What are we, twelve or something?”

Neil glared at him, a deep scowl on his face. “Stop deflecting Andrew, I need to know. I'm tired of waiting and waiting for you to piece it together.” His heart tumbled on a beat as he stepped closer to Andrew. He was going to do it, let it all out in the open. “I like you, Andrew, I’m head over heels for you.”

“Since when?” Andrew asked in an even voice and for the first time in their friendship Neil could not for the life of him read Andrew's face.

“I realized it on the day you left for your university touring trip. I still had two years until I could join you and the thought of not seeing you every day, even though you would be just a few hours away, terrified me. That was the sole reason why I applied to graduate early. But again when I think about it I guess I liked you way before that, I just didn't know what the feeling was at the time. Maybe even from the very first time I saw you. You just intrigued me so much”

“You’re ace, Neil.”

“That doesn't change what I feel for you. Asexuality is a spectrum, Andrew. It has always been you for me.”

Andrew said nothing, his eyes panning around the room at everything but Neil. If this was a cartoon smoke would be coming out of his head. He was malfunctioning.

 “Are you going to say something, I feel like I’m dying right now.” Neil’s voice cracked but Andrew still didn't look at him.

“I think this would be a bad idea.” Andrew started and Neil's heart broke in a million little pieces. His chest became a hallowed black hole and he felt panic slamming over him like a wave threatening to drown him and lead him into nothingness. 

This was a rejection. He put his heart on Andrew's hand and, even though he was sure Andrew would never purposely hurt him, he had just squeezed and crushed it until it no longer had any pulse. And the worst thing was that Neil himself broke their friendship ‒just like Andrew was breaking his heart‒ the moment he fell for his best friend. Now things would never be the same. It would be awkward and none of the easy understanding they had between them would be left, because right now Neil couldn't even look at Andrew without dying a little more inside.

He had hoped. But the thing about hope is that people are so enthralled by it that they forget its destructive power. And Neil hoped and then he forgot he was unlovable.

Andrew opened his mouth to say something else when the doorbell rang like the cry of a dying animal in the silence of their home.

----------

— Don't hate me guys —

— What do you all think is going to happen next? What does Andrew mean? —

— This one here was ambitious, by the end I had a 13 page document more than the last two part together. I spent so much time adding and editing stuff out. I cogitated splitting it in two parts to update earlier but decided not to. I think it turned out okay. Let me know what you guy think —

Check Part 4

[ifitmeanslosingyouthenno]

au in which nathaniel is married to riko

okay so

in this universe there's no mafia, the moriyamas are just filthy rich businessmen, but nathan still is a serial killer

things go a bit different in the sense that nathan kills mary when neil is 10 bc he loses his temper and keeps neil practically captive in that house, torturing him endlessly until nathan slips up and somehow the fbi finds the evidence they need to raid the house when neil is idk 15 ish and they end up killing nathan and neil is sent to foster care

he doesn't have as bad a time in foster care as andrew did, some parents like slapping him around, but some are genuinely nice people

ultimately tho he's not adopted by anyone by the time he turns 18 (he tells himself he doesn't mind, who would want a damaged and quiet and sketchy and flighty kid in their family anyway?)

he's left on his own, to figure out how to be a real person, an adult, with no home, no place to stay, no friends, no family, nothing but himself

he goes through a few years where he just lives on the streets, spending the little money he has left on food, going to shelters when he can, traveling through states until he gets to new york

he's attacked and harassed by some guy at some point outside a bar or something and he's so dazed he cant even fight back, but someone fights back for him

and its riko moriyama, famous fucking exy star and professional athlete

he saves neil and he takes him to his place, where he lets him stay and recover and hey, he's actually kind of sweet, and he really cares about neil, and maybe it wouldn't be so bad to stay with him? and when riko kisses him the first time maybe its not so bad? and maybe when they start dating he's incredibly loving and he gives him gifts and it's the happiest neil has been? and maybe when riko proposes neil says yes and they get married and they're happy? genuinely happy for once?

except that at some point, the love becomes anger, the sweet gestures become punches, the care becomes jealousy and control and pain, and what was the best thing in neils life becomes a nightmare once more

(and maybe he blames himself, maybe its neil thats the problem, maybe its him who brings out the worst in people, maybe he's doomed to this cycle of abuse)

its not until riko beats neil withing an inch of his life that neil runs

OH SHIT WAIT LMAO I FORGOT TO SAY

neil doesn't actually go by neil throughout all of this, he still goes by nathaniel, his legal name, nathaniel wesninski is married to riko moriyama not neil josten

so neil runs and runs and runs with what little money he could steal from riko and he adopts neil josten's identity until he physically cannot keep going

luckily for him, his collapse happens far enough, all the way in seattle in the same pharmacy that medical intern aaron minyard was buying some supplies

so yeah aaron freaks out and almost calls an ambulance but neil stops him bc he's scared bc riko might not have mafia connections in this universe but he has so much fucking money

and it takes aaron and katelyn and abby on the phone for them to fix a heavily beat up neil who should definitely go to the hospital but this is the best they can do

(aaron just assumes he's homeless, and he cant pay the hospital, and he's a fucking softie deep inside so he does everything he can to help how he can)

and maybe when kate catches neil sneaking out one night, she does everything to stop him and offers him safety and maybe the exchange some truths, maybe kate guesses that neil had someone that abused him, maybe someone he loved and neil is scared and he doesn't feel like he can trust anyone but something about kate makes him break down and tell her what he can while making sure he doesn't reveal much

and im taking too long but basically aaron and kate take neil in and they introduce him to the foxes and to the legendary kevin day and andrew minyard, professional exy players for the seattle exy team

and well it takes time and lots of trust before neil lets himself open up again

but its in the form of andrew minyard and the way they can both respect each others boundaries, and neil tells andrew about nathan, but never reveals the truth about being married or anything about riko moriyama

until andrew asks neil to marry him and well

it all goes to shit lol

neil cant bring himself to tell andrew the truth and it all becomes a mess and andrew breaks things up and neil becomes a mess as well

(bc its true, it's on him, its always on him and god he never learns, he never fucking learns, he doesn't fucking get happy endings, he doesn't fucking get good things)

and he tries to leave aaron and kate's place again, and he's successful this time and he's on his way out of seattle when he stops by a gas station to get some food and he has no idea of where he's going and he hesitates for a while, until he catches the eye of andrew on his car outside, and andrew just looks away and leaves and-

and if neil was hesitating before he's sure now and he has to leave for good and he has to leave and get away and never come back and

and he runs right into riko moriyama as he's leaving the store

to be continued maybe??

part 2

[writingpuddle]

adding a part two to this essay because you know where weve seen this technique before?

thats right, its your boy, neil josten!

this is almost immediately after drake. aaron just killed somebody, for andrews sake. and neil comes sauntering in and takes the most uncalled-for shot in history. and just like neil in the cabin scene, aaron reacts with instinctive fury

but critically, just like the later scene at the cabin, the initial shot wasnt the point at all. their goals are different, but the method is the same. and unlike aaron, in a rare show of transparency, neil spells out his point exactly

for the most part up till now, neils been pretty ambivalent towards aaron. theyre not particularly antagonistic or friendly; aaron is just sort of around and neil is more focussed on kevin and andrew. neil obviously does not care very much about the trauma of aaron grappling with having killed someone (or at the very least, his own experiences with death have made him wildly less than tactful dealing with someone who is currently going through it. his empathy muscles are kinda fucked. no sense of what a normal reaciton to murder is, this guy. like, give aaron a chance to catch his breath, holy shit dude.).

but neil does care about andrews well being. whether neil understands it or not, he knows that the twins relationship is critical to andrew. it doesnt matter that he himself is sort of in a take-it-or-leave-it state with aaron at the moment - up till now theyve actually not interacted much - but this matters to andrew. so neil will walk in and launch his own grenade at aaron. a aaron who just found out that andrew, who he thought was an cold, unfeeling wall, is not invincible. an aaron who just realized that maybe everything he knew about andrew was wrong. an aaron who just saw a mans brain splatter across the wall, and who has never seen death like this before.

its this moment, when aarons world is on such shaky footing, that he could maybe actually grasp the point. i think if neil had tried this even several weeks later, it wouldnt have worked so well. he could fall back on old habits and dismiss the idea. its aarons shellshocked vulnerability that makes the hit land. aaron denies neils point in the moment, but the seed is planted. he cant unknow it now. neil dragged aaron kicking and screaming to the conclusion and then pulled the blindfold off at the last moment so aaron was forced to realize that they werent really talking about drake at all.

in the cabin scene aarons trick is left implicit, but here neil says it directly; his opening statement was a lie. thats because in the cabin scene the point aaron was making was to himself, not neil. in the post-drake scene, neil was trying to force an understanding between aaron and andrew about tildas death. in the cabin scene, aaron was trying to convince himself that neil was serious enough about andrew that their relationship would be an effective bludgeon for breaking their deal.

and then somehow these two pushy, manipulative, tactless jerks somehow pull off the greatest scam of all (happily ever after)

i wanna talk about this scene because its one of my favourite character moments for both aaron and neil. theyve just gotten to the cabin, only a handful of days after nathans death, and aaron gets neil alone and says this:

now listen. maybe what aaron is doing here is exactly what it looks like. maybe he is concerned that neil is exploiting andrew, and this is him being a protective brother. and i do think theres a part of him that is. he could also be reacting badly due to homophobia, and maybe a part of him is too. but mostly -

he's testing neil.

see, aarons not totally heartless. in that moment in baltimore, when neil was bloody and beaten to shit - aaron was horrified with the rest of them. he might not like neil particularly much, but when you see someone you moderately dislike tortured past the point of human endurance, youre going to put aside your dislike for a second. youre going to take their side, and aaron does. when the foxes claim neil, aaron is right up there with them.

but unlike neil and andrew, who spend the next few days in the emotional wringer with the feds, aaron had several days to process. to really process what allison pointed out to them.

and he realized he could use it.

maybe thats callous of him, but mostly its inevitable; this is how the twins have learned to communicate, to leverage each other with bribes and threats. he watched andrew nearly kill kevin, pick a fight with the feds, grip neils hoodie like he might disappear if he didnt hold on tight enough, and he understood that there was nothing andrew wouldnt do for neil.

meanwhile, neil is still coming off of weeks of telling himself, gritted teeth, its fine so long as andrew doesnt care about me, its fine so long as andrew doesnt care about me, its fine so long as andrew doesnt care about me...

hes barely begun to acknowledge the much less dangerous fact that he has feelings for andrew. less dangerous because if andrew doesnt care about him, then neils death wont hurt him, and neils feelings cant be hurt if hes the one that dies. but if andrew has feelings for him, then this whole time hes been risking that his death would break andrew - break the very person he most wants to protect.

so neil denies it. hes made the first wobbly step towards freedom, but he hasnt yet dealt with the moriyamas. he could still die at any moment. wrapping his head around his fathers death hasnt given him enough time to break those weeks of conditioning himself in the dark. andrew doesnt care about me. andrew cant care about me. neil will go to war for andrew but the idea that the converse is true is too dangerous to look at directly. to protect andrew, to protect himself, he denies it.

but when aaron asks neil if andrew will fight for him, he's not really asking. we can see it in the casual way he shrugs off neils denial. he doesnt care what neil says. he wants to see what neil does. he already knows - or has a pretty strong bet - what andrew will do. what he needs to know is if neil is serious.

listen, i am personally of the belief that if andrew released aaron from his deal for neils sake and then things went sour with neil, andrew would respect the broken deal anyway. but i dont think aaron sees that - he hasnt yet fully internalized that andrew does things out of his own brand of fairness, and not out of malice. so he needs to know; andrew will fight for this. will neil?

so he lobs a grenade at neil, a loaded accusation, and neil comes back swinging. and theres aarons answer. neil isnt exploiting andrew, hes not just playing around. hes as viciously protective of andrew as andrew is of him and those two repressed assholes might not be saying it with words, but aarons not stupid. andrew gave himself away when neil went missing and now neils showed his hand too.

neils right. he has been had, and hes just lucky that what aaron wants is exactly what neil wanted anyway.

[luvbug724]

hiii ive been thinking abt neil running post-tkm whatre ur thoughts on that 🤨 i feel its not Too common but it comes up often enough in fandom and is always triggered in neil by something so he runs and either comes back or doesnt but i cant rlly see that happening? also similarly do u think neil would have some troubles w accepting permanence in his life? i was thinking hed def have some habits he wouldnt need anymore but w main threats gone + a life he wants to keep it wldnt be a huge issue..

WAIT my last ask when i say like permanence ex: neil panicking abt captaincy in tkm do u think hed have similar experiences later on w similar aspects of living in one place? (and this maybe triggering the need to run in turn)

holy cow first of all i got so excited when i got this ask you don’t even know. this has definitely been something that’s been sitting in the back of my mind but it was never something that bothered me enough to share online. SECOND of all, i mean absolutely no disrespect to anybody who might disagree with me on this or has written neil in this scenario-- it’s all fiction we’re all having fun here and my characterization may differ from yours and that’s fine! even if i might not be a fan of the concept i still read and support fics that include it if i like the writing :) this got very long and some people probably won’t be interested in reading it, so my response is under the cut :’)

but as for your question, anon, i completely agree with you. when i got this notification the first scene my mind went to was chapter nine of tkm right after wymack offers neil the vice captaincy. this was, probably, one of the worst sequences of events that could have possibly happened to neil: some of his most fundamental lies are exposed to his team, he’s confronted with his past, he has to reveal some truths that he never planned on saying, and now here’s his coach insisting on a future he so desperately wants but doesn’t think he’ll live long enough to have. neil should have already had a new name in a new country three months ago and instead he’s at palmetto state in the public eye right for the moriyamas and wesninskis to watch. 

and what does he do?

He didn't remember pulling it from his pocket or making the decision to dial out. He lowered it and tapped a button, thinking maybe he'd imagined things, but Andrew's name was on his display and the timer put the call at almost a minute already.

Neil put the phone back to his ear, but he couldn't find the words for the wretched feeling that was tearing away at him. In three months championships would be over. In four months he'd be dead. In five months the Foxes would be right back here for summer practices with six new faces. Neil could count his life on one hand now. On the other hand was the future he couldn't have: vice-captain, captain, Court. Neil had no right to mourn these missed chances. He'd gotten more than he deserved this year; it was selfish to ask for more.

He should be grateful for what he had, and gladder still that his death would mean something. He was going to drag his father and the Moriyamas down with him when he went, and they'd never recover from the things he said. It was justice when he'd never thought he'd get any and revenge for his mother's death. He thought he'd come to terms with it but that hollow ache was back in his chest where it had no right to be. Neil felt like he was drowning.

Neil found his voice at last, but the best he had was, "Come and get me from the stadium.”

andrew grounds him, comes for him, and makes sure that neil can’t run. but this was just one very extreme situation, so here’s how i think his future may play out: no matter how much neil wants to go, he needs to stay even more. and, unlike the above situation, neil now has explicit permission (a command, even) to stay with the foxes, to stay with his family. i think he will be fine for a long while until there comes a moment where he realizes that he’s here to stay and he has a home and he has the foxes and he has andrew and it’s honestly a toss up as to how he would react. the first option would be that it’s overwhelming in a very, very good way and nothing much changes. the second option (which seems way more in character for neil) is instead: he panics, and he needs something to keep him tethered to psu. he might seek out andrew like he did in canon or he might try to hide it to not worry him, but i’d place my bets on somewhere in the middle where he makes sure andrew knows whats going on but tries to downplay its importance. 

anyways, i wrote all this before i even checked with nora’s ec to see if she’s said anything in a similar context and she DID and and it was pretty much compliant with my ideas which i am very happy about:

“He’s more likely to walk away or tell Neil to get over it or look right past whatever existential/psychological crisis Neil is having. Neil’s grumpiness after a loss are brushed aside unimportant, and his aggravation over uncooperative teammates is nothing to pity him for. 

But once in a long while Neil will hit a ledge he has to be pulled back from, and that’s what Andrew does. Like in Baltimore, when Neil is trying to say Do you want me to go, and Andrew catches hold and tells him Stay. This is how Andrew comforts: by being a stabilizing force, an anchor to keep Neil at home, a place to rest his weight and his secrets. Honestly, that’s what Neil needs.” (Andrew comforting Neil)

“Impatience kind of worked in Baltimore, but I guess it’s not a one-size-fits-all kind of ordeal. Forced eye contact and Look at me and a ruder calm down right now. ((Thanks Andrew, really sympathetic of you)) Andrew gives Neil the weight to connect him to the real world: a hand on the back of his neck or fingers hooked in the collar of his shirt to drag Neil home to him.” (Andrew re: Neil’s panic attacks)

now, as for neil adjusting to just a plain stationary life, i think he’d adjust relatively easily. his entire life was fitting in which i don’t think he’d have a big problem with, but the new element of how he’s not pretending anymore, he’s just neil josten, might throw him off a little bit. there’s likely going to be some habits he picked up that he can’t shake and some associations (alcohol isn’t for fun, it’s an anesthetic is one that comes to mind) that he never quite gets rid of but despite how much might get thrown at him, after everything he survived freshman year it’d take a fucking lot to push him to his breaking point.

[ravenvsfox]

Part two of my trc/tfc crossover extravaganza as requested by about 16 humans, this is going to be a trio, so wait for chapter 3 buddds

There’s a knock on the door two seconds before Ronan slits through the doorway shoulder first. Adam feels like the contents of a cardboard box, sliced and opened.

“I fucking hate this,” Ronan says, his whole presence bunched at the entrance, coiled. “Why do I feel like they have more secrets than we do?”

Adam shuffles his feet so he’s contained to one cushion, and Ronan sits down instantly, close enough that his waves eat Adam’s ripples.

“You wanted this.”

“I wanted to play exy.”

“You wanted all of us with you,” Adam adds. “You wanted to not be the most difficult person on a team. You wanted college to be easy and the games to be hard.”

Ronan looks at him closely, then kicks backward onto the couch, head on the far armrest, legs pushing at Adam’s so that they have to occupy some of the same space.

“I don’t need another gang of thugs to tell me what I have to be.”

“Kavinsky’s crew was—“

“I’m not talking about him,” Ronan says viciously. Adam eyes him, then looks at their legs, at Ronan’s hand, lax near his thigh.

“I think,” Adam says slowly, “that it’s too soon to tell.”

Ronan’s eyes are slitted blue when Adam looks down, peering past his own knees to meet his gaze.

“Yeah okay, diplomat. Tell me what you really think.”

Adam rolls his head back, flexing his hands to hear them crack, thinking of the way Neil and Andrew paired off and put their heads together, dark and light, speaking with gestures first, silences second, words last.

“I think that we’re trying to put two plugs together, and we don’t have any sockets.”

“Pretty,” Ronan snarks. Adam ignores him.

“They don’t trust us.”

“I don’t trust them,” Ronan replies easily, and takes Adam’s hand so he’ll stop cracking and wringing.

“I don’t think any of us would qualify for the foxes if we were—“

“Trustworthy?”

“Easy to understand,” Adam continues. “I’ve watched the tapes, Ronan. They’re still fractured at the best of times.”

“We’re stronger,” Ronan says quietly, playing with Adam’s fingers.

“We’re good together,” Adam agrees, and Ronan pulls him down on top of him. Adam falls, and enjoys the falling quite a lot, the way Ronan’s mouth changes when he’s close. “We haven’t always been.”

“That’s Gansey’s fault. He doesn’t know how to introduce people.”

“Meanwhile you made a great case for yourself,” Adam says sarcastically, grinning when Ronan does. “So personable.”

“Hey,” Ronan says, cupping Adam’s face with both hands and squeezing. “You wanna go see what we can do on this shit campus?”

“I want to get ahead on my readings, actually. My grades have to be better than my status, because PSU has zero prestige.” 

Ronan rolls him into the back of the couch and kisses him fast, rubs a thumb over the sting on Adam’s lips. “No, you want to break into the court.”

“We have the keys.”

“You want to legally enter the court,” Ronan amends, pinching Adam’s side so that his ribcage cants up.

“Yeah,” Adam says after a moment. He thinks about the burnished wood of the court and the killing heft of a racquet. He pictures Ronan and Gansey next to him, crowing victory, the sweat and rush and pitch of the finite game, the deadline he can see and count on. Exy decks him and he hits back.

“Good,” Ronan says. “I want to put a dent in their fucking foxhole.”

_____

The lights are on when they get to the court at midnight, and Ronan lets the door fall closed hard behind them. There’s no movement, just miles of clean hallway and the hollow, lived-in feeling of a place that should be full.

They exchange looks, and walk steadily towards the heart of the building. They gear up quickly in the chill of the changing rooms, laughing at each other in their fiery oranges. Ronan musses the bandana from Adam’s hair. 

They poke their way towards the court, and when they’re close enough, the screech and hammer of activity haunts the hallway.

“My bet’s on Day. He looks like he doesn’t sleep,” Ronan says, kicking the door open and catching it before it can swing back.

“That’s a pretty ironic insult, coming from you,” Adam says pointedly, and Ronan grumbles something about involuntary insomnia, but they’re already spilling out into the central court.

He regrets making it this far. He feels so blatantly redundant, a meal that’s mistakenly been delivered to a table of people who’ve already eaten.

It is Day, but it’s also Minyard and Josten, running drills as seriously as they seem to do everything, full gear, full focus. Adam can taste the sweat in the air from outside the plexiglass that swallows the action.

“Fuck,” Ronan says.

“So much for that,” Adam says, drooping and trying to pin himself back up.

Ronan, of course, strides forward and opens the door anyway. Kevin perks up first, holding out a hand to halt the action that Andrew ignores and Neil stares at.

“Did you come to practice?”

“Well we didn’t come to bask in your mediocrity, did we?” Ronan says, and Adam sighs. He has the unsettled feeling that Ronan sincerely enjoys this room full of abrasive personalities. Poison doesn’t pose a threat to more poison. Adam worries for Ronan’s thin armour though, the weak points that grow every day.

“That would imply that you even know what proper exy looks like, which I doubt,” Neil calls.

Adam grabs for Ronan, but he slips from his hands. He looks miles taller than Neil by the time he reaches him, but somehow narrowly less threatening. Andrew bristles and hefts his racquet up, and Adam sees black.

“Can we play?” Adam asks quickly, sifting panic out of his voice. “We want to get ahead.”

“We’re already ahead,” Ronan spits, looking down into Neil’s steady eyes. His scars preserve his intimidation like plastic wrap, but Ronan is one big scar: painful to look at, more painful to have. 

“Good,” Kevin says. “Ronan and Neil can play against me. Adam, get in their goal, Andrew in mine.”

Ronan and Neil squint at each other. Adam bristles at being ordered around; Kevin’s authority grates in a way that Gansey’s only sometimes does. It’s strange, watching everyone line themselves up and sink into their roles like they were already wading into water and just found that they couldn’t reach the bottom with their toes anymore.

Ronan and Neil fall into twin positions. Adam stares at Andrew’s apathetic racquet twirling and thinks Okay. Yes. He can read the mislead in Andrew’s stance, the power in his arms. He can understand Andrew’s faulty concentration, the broken pipe connecting him to Neil.

“Try not to prove Neil right,” Kevin yells, and Andrew hammers the ball all the way downcourt. The rush is instant for Adam, ropes and ropes of adrenaline in front of him, and it all moves so fast that Palmetto and Henrietta and Cabeswater are blurred landmarks outside of his car window.

Neil’s tricky, slippery fast, never trusting Ronan with the ball, goading him back and forth. Kevin has ambidextrous power all the way up his arms and legs, he’s a tank that also did all of his calculations. Andrew is immovable, and unmistakably natural.

Ronan is gorgeous when he plays -- sleek as a BMW, cruel as a hockey player, and he always has more to prove than anyone on court. He steals the ball from his own teammate and makes it look like an act of mercy. He’s the lightning strike and the thunder and the rain all at once.

Adam’s track record is impeccable, but he knows that Andrew is better. Adam pitches a ball at Neil’s legs and Andrew twitches for long enough that Ronan can scoop the ball and slide it home in the corner of Andrew’s goal.

It’s the only goal he sinks. Neil manages one half an hour later, but the opposite side of the court with its two players feels like a concrete wall they’re bouncing practice balls off of.

The way Andrew plays is monstrous, and Adam fights humiliation as he always does, saving face with all of his thin, patchy energy, and his vein-deep desire to win.

Kevin gets four shots past him, all told, making Adam’s failure rate double Andrew’s.

Adam throws his racquet down, regrets it, and feels shame join exhaustion on his face. He senses Andrew watching him from across the court, and the feeling scuttles under his skin. Ronan jogs up to him with some unfathomable remaining energy stores, and waits for him to take off his helmet. He doesn’t try to help him or touch him or comfort him.

“We held our own,” he says eventually. “They beat the best team in the world last spring, and we held our fucking own.”

Adam nods, too overwhelmed to respond.

“What happened to you being ahead?” Neil wanders up to ask, and Ronan breathes out, turns around, and punches him clean across the face.

He stands over him after, looking vengeful and strong, and says, “You lost too.”

Blood pumps, their breathing huffs and trips, runners thud closer, and then Andrew delivers a right hook so brutal that anyone else might have been knocked out. Ronan sprawls, but rolls into a crouch almost immediately, looking thunderstruck. It reminds Adam of his brawls with Declan, the bloody mouth with the devastation behind it.

It’s horrifying, seeing it surface so quickly, blood welling up even after you’ve cleaned the wound.

“Hey,” Adam says viciously, putting himself between Andrew and Ronan.

“Hey,” Andrew replies, looking past him to Ronan. “Do not touch him again.”

“Same to you,” Adam says, trying to get maneuver so that Andrew has to meet his eye.

“I’m shocked that you can speak,” Ronan says, staggering upright, purposefully not checking for damage in his face or hand.

“I’m shocked that you can stand,” Andrew tells him. “Now tell me if you heard me.”

“I heard you. You’re blindly defending your boyfriend when he’s trying to start shit.”

“Is that not what you’re doing?” Andrew asks evenly. When Ronan hesitates he continues, “you lied. Neil called your bluff, you lost your temper. Do you feel like more of a winner now?”

“I don’t lie,” Ronan grits, and Andrew cocks his head at him. He looks mildly surprised by the concept.

“Let’s just change out and go home,” Adam murmurs, temples throbbing. “This isn’t productive.”

“The practice was decent,” Kevin announces. “But the summer made you slow.”

“Insult to injury,” Adam says under his breath, and Andrew looks piercingly in his direction again. Adam doesn’t look away. He’s heard the rumours, read the articles, but he’s not unsettled by them. He’s familiar with the way fear can look so convincingly like anger — there’s no reason it can’t look like apathy too.

“You’re not ready to be a team,” Neil says.

“That’s some bullshit, coming from you,” Ronan says, thick through the blood muddying his lips.

“We take care of foxes, not any asshole who steps on the court. Ae you ready to make an effort? Let any of that glittering narcissism go? Because until you do, I keep critiquing you, and you keep losing that paper-thin temper of yours.”

“We’re serious about this,” Adam says. “We wouldn’t have come here as a unit if we weren’t used to teamwork and sacrifice.”

“You’re a long way from home,” Andrew says. “Teams break.”

“I’m not,” Adam says, instinctive and bitter. “And we won’t.”

Andrew’s eyes are darkly intense, and they stick all over Adam’s face, his ear, his sweaty hair.

“You’re coming to Columbia this weekend, both of you.” His gaze slides to Ronan. Adam feels sickly, like he wants to peel his eyes off of him.

“There’s a club,” Neil explains, watching Andrew closely, his face a flip-book of reactions to the tiniest gestures.

“Was that an invitation?”

Andrew considers. “It’s not optional.”

“Fuck you,” Ronan says. 

Adam says, “We’ll go,” without getting all the way through his furious mental gymnastics routine. He’s curious enough about the foxes that he’s willing to disguise himself as one. Another city, another costume, another scholarship, another sacrifice.

Andrew doesn’t react, just walks away with Neil a pace in front of him. It’s like they’re both listening to the same strange set of headphones, and no one else knows what’s feeding into that connection all day.

Ronan tugs Adam by his single, neat leather wristband, tucked secretly underneath his gloves, and Adam considers that they might have the same thing.

Part One  Part Three