#need this on my blog the way a crow needs a coin in a nest

[boltlightning]

after all this time — destiny 2: the final shape

[ask-de-writer]

WELCOME TO EQUESTRIA! : Origin of the Rom, part 2 : MLP Fan Fiction : Part 8 of 8

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~~ ~~ ~~ ~~

WELCOME TO EQUESTRIA!

The second part of the Origin of the Rom

ORIGIN OF THE ROM SERIES in reading order.  (will be completed as the stories are posted in linked form)

Part One : NORE’S CHOICE, which starts HERE

Part Two : WELCOME TO EQUESTRIA! which starts HERE

Part Three : FAIR AND UN-FAIR, which starts HERE

Part Four : ON THE ROADS OF EQUESTRIA, which starts HERE

Part Five : THE FIRST ROM HEARTHWARMING,  which starts HERE

Part Six : SANDO’S LAKE, which starts HERE

Part Seven : A BRIEF HISTORY OF THE ROM, which starts HERE

by

De Writer (Glen Ten-Eyck)

13716 words

© 2015 by Glen Ten-Eyck

Writing begun 08/09/15

All rights reserved.  This document may not be copied or distributed on or to any medium or placed in any mass storage system except by the express written consent of the author.

TUMBLR EXEMPTION

Blog holding members of Tumblr.com may freely reblog this story provided that the title, author and copyright information remain intact, unaltered, and are displayed at the head of the story.

Fan art, stories, music, cosplay and other fan activity is actively encouraged.

~~ ~~ ~~ ~~

Nore waited until the constable led away the limping and protesting Foulip.

Nore quietly poured another, bigger cup of tea and hoofed it to the filly.  “Here, little one. See all these things on the board?  Help yourself to any two of them. If you want to, use the dip sauces there at the end.  If anypony asks you where you got them, tell them that you got them here.”

It was a much happier filly who left the booth.  

Nore went out for her turn at dancing.  The tune was a complex one, using two different flutes, all three of our lyres at different points and Sarel playing drums.  The crowd was thick about her.

As Nore’s set came to an end, there was a regular shower of coins tossed to her.  Panting just slightly she gathered up the coins and came back to the booth to count up.  The next set was just starting to get underway.

The constable returned.  “Foulip and all the other merchants are saying that you are stealing their customers.  That is a violation of fair rules.”  He hoofed over an Unfair Practice complaint.  It really was signed by all the other fair merchants.  Glancing up the midway, I noticed some of them pointing our way and laughing.

Nore looked up from counting the different kinds of coins in her  take and replied mildly, “All that we have done is here, at the very end of your … midway, do you call it?  I am sorry, but your language is new to me.

“Foulip is not the only pony with a booth to actively try stopping ponies from coming to US.  We have done nothing of the sort.”

I pointed up the busy midway. “Take a look, constable.  Is that busier than the usual Summer Fair?  Looks so to me.  Looks more like a big Autumn Harvest Fair. This in spite of the flood that has done so much damage.

“They have made a complaint. Loss has to be documented.  Town has tax records on all of them.  Do a forced count up to document their losses.

“As a matter of curiosity, since you had to close Foulip’s booth, what was his count up?  Last summer, he was crowing like a rooster with two sunrises about making seven gold, nine and six.  Most he ever made on a Summer Fair.”

The constable said wryly, “He had fifteen gold, five and nine.”

I pointed out, “Right.  Some interference.  In less than a half day, he had MORE than twice his BEST TOTAL Summer Fair take.

“Still, there is an easy test for whether we are helping or interfering.”

I turned to my lovely young wife and admired her beautiful chestnut coat for a moment before saying, “Nore, put out our baking fires.  Please get Rom.  Tell him that we are going to pack and leave immediately.  Other vendors have made a complaint.  We are moving to the wayside just out of town, to the south.”

The constable blinked.  “Just like that?  Giving up without protest?”

I batted my big donkey eyelashes at him and said with a grin, “I expect a BIG PROTEST!  Just not from us.  Look at the overall crowd behavior.  When they come in, they make a beeline for our encampment and booths.  Then they work their way back up the midway, shopping up everything from snacks to new plows.

“I am just pulling out our exotic attraction in compliance with THEIR complaint.  The other merchants can then reap the benefits of the unusually large attendance without our interference.”

The constable nodded thoughtfully.  “I am sorry that the others are being so greedy.  I have been overhearing their chatter about how much they are making. I wish you well.”

“Thank you, Constable.  We wish you well, too.”

Rom came over and I explained what we were doing.  His question was amusing.  “Do your laws and rules allow us to sell and dance at the wayside?”

The constable nodded sourly, “Yes.  You can do that.  The road and waysides are Royal property and it is within Crowns Law.  You will forfeit your space fees if you leave.”

Rom stepped over to the musicians and our current dancer first.  Then he went around to our booths.  Quietly, our little merchandise got packed away.  Sales boards and booth parts were being carefully put into storage in our caravans.

Nore continued to sell our stock of Ka'chek based snacks but made no more.  Shortly the last of the tea was sold.  The pots and pans were getting cleaned and stowed between customers.

An orange coated customer asked plaintively, “What’s going on?  We came because we heard about the music and dancing!  The neat snacks and all!”

Nore smiled sadly at the complaining orange pony and pointed up the midway.  “They complained that we are taking their trade.  By the agreement that allows us to be here, we must reach a settlement with them or leave. We have done no thing wrong and do not wish to give them any of our coins.  We are moving to the southern wayside, outside of town.”

She paused a moment and gave him a broad grin.  “You might tell the others that you meet where we are going to be.  We should be set up by early afternoon.  I can promise that there will be more of our dancing, music, snacks and handicrafts.”

He nodded sourly.  Nore hoofed over two of the Ka'cheks and pointed to the dips.  “Thank you for your understanding of our predicament.  There is not much of the sauces left.  Help yourself to them.”

While we were putting up the rainflys a frowning group of pastel ponies tromped down our way.  The very ponies who had signed the complaint.  “What is this nonsense! You can’t just leave like this!  You signed in for the whole fair!”

I gave them a saccharine smile and said, “Yes, we can leave.  There was a formal complaint about taking your trade.  Our only alternatives are to reach a settlement with you all, giving you some of OUR earnings, or leave.  We are complying with the complaint and leaving.

“The town gets the whole balance of our fees in lieu of tax.  That is in the fair contract terms.”

“You don’t get it, Marchhare! The crowd is already thinning out!  Word is all over that your damned dancing horses are leaving!  Ponies are turning away even before they get to the fairground.”

Pinching my nostrils shut as if at a vile odor, I replied, “How is that OUR problem?  We have been formally requested to stop our unfair practices or leave.  Our only practices were music, dancing, snack sales, and handicraft sales, which we registered when we arrived.  Stopping them means doing nothing.  In compliance with the complaint, which YOU ALL SIGNED, we are leaving.

“You have the entire remaining trade of this whole Summer Fair to yourselves.  Much good may it do you!”

Nore gave the whole greedy bunch a sad look and said softly, “We had hoped for a better welcome to Equestria than this.  It appears that you are more like Ground Nest than the goodness of Sunbreak or even the constable here.  I am sorry.”

I turned my back on them and continued to fold up our rainfly awning with Nore’s help.  One unicorn in the group started pulling our folds apart with his magic. The whole bunch were snickering at the prank.

Without warning, Nore lunged under the visible line of his magic and touched his foreleg at the shoulder joint.  He screamed and fell on his face in the dirt of the midway.  He was struggling to rise, calling, “My leg’s on fire!  It hurts!”  

The constable was watching unsympathetically and did not interfere.

I mildly admonished, “You need to be careful with that Gyptian Death Touch, dear.  Two inches over would have killed him.”

As we refolded the awning, Nore, who is a quick study, replied, “I know that.  That is why I did not hit him two inches over.”  She gave me a steely eyed stare and added firmly, “You should not say such things in front of hostile hor …  ponies.  I am the one with a SASH OF ART in Death Touch.”

We stowed the neatly folded awning and secured our hitch.

The others were all ready to go, so Rom called cadence, “Ready for the Road!  Lean Left!  Lean Right!  Pull left!  Pull right!  Pull, Pull!”  We were underway, all in step.  Our finest colorful sashes flashing in the sun were making a great show as our whole caravan got moving.  A substantial number of ponies followed us.

We reached the Royal Road and turned south.  I was totally floored by what I saw.  There was a big parade of ponies following us.

–THE END–

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[beeblackburn]

Who do you think is the tall and terrible woman beside Euron in Aeron's vision? I've heard lots of theories, from the TV show hinting at Cersei, I read an interesting blog about The Mad Maid of Hightower, and a film theorist video about Dany going mad. Who do you think it is and how do you think it will affect the rest of the series.

Thanks for the question, @chocolatewitchharmony​!

First, the show isn’t the books.

Second, there’s a caveat in that, as amazing and mind-blowing as The Forsaken was, it’s not the final copy yet and liable to changes and revision. Meaning, that tall and terrible woman could possible be written out of the story. I definitely think it won’t because it’s a very evocative image, but the possibility could happen.

So, with all that said, I’ll say my piece on the chances of those women you mentioned as the “tall and terrible women.”

Dany isn’t going mad. And while one could take symbolic representation of Dany with the woman being “long and tall and terrible” and Dany’s taste in men lean towards people like Daario and Euron, both men having evocative parallels and similarities, (though I don’t blame her when her golden standard was Drogo…), even Dany recognized Daario was awful:

Dany was appalled. He is a monster. A gallant monster, but a monster still. “Do you take me for the Butcher King?”

“Better the butcher than the meat. All kings are butchers. Are queens so different?”

And Euron is far worse in terms of seeing humanity as chattel and butcher’s meat. He openly practices Valyrian-style slavery and atrocities (all men are meat, anyone?) As much as Dany is fully capable of exercising cruelty onto slavers and innocents (the wine-seller and his daughters), she’s committed herself to ending the slavery institution that her ancestors were masters to.

Dany and Euron are foils, two sides of the Valyrian coin, two ways of utilizing “fire and blood.” While Euron unleashes unrepentant suffering to fuel his magical ambitions (the true heir to Old Valyria), Dany has unleashed the dragon’s fire to consume the slavers and dehumanizing institution that has reduced men to meat in service to the slaves, her people and children.

I just don’t see Dany go that extra step of stamping her foot into darker depths and accepting Euron as a paramour or partner… willingly. I definitely acknowledge magical detainment as a possibility for Dany (though I hope not) with all the deep-seated sorcerer atmosphere emanating from Euron and I certainly theorize Dany’s certainly going to be tempted by him after she blows up King’s Landing… but no, she’s going to burn him as a final test before facing off the eldritch slavers, the greatest dehumanizing masters of them all: the Others.

Cersei, I don’t see either. Besides the fact that Cersei has her own rich story of a queen laboring under patriarchy, a woman dealing with misogyny, both others’ and her own internalized kind, a victim of fate wanting to break destiny’s knees and a daughter who’s going to destroy herself trying to be her father’s heir, as @poorquentyn​ pointed out the other day, she’s not going to cut it for Euron. He’s got his eyes on this prize:

“So are the contents of my chamber pot. None is fit to sit the Seastone Chair, much less the Iron Throne. No, to make an heir that’s worthy of him, I need a different woman. When the kraken weds the dragon, brother, let all the world beware.”

“What dragon?” said Victarion, frowning.

“The last of her line. They say she is the fairest woman in the world. Her hair is silver-gold, and her eyes are amethysts … but you need not take my word for it, brother. Go to Slaver’s Bay, behold her beauty, and bring her back to me.”

Now, Euron emphasizes Dany’s beauty as a factor and it’s possible for someone to think that might lead him to Cersei… but I think Euron was emphasizing how Dany appears the very ethnicity that once dominated the world and sees marrying her as another step closer to realizing his role as Old Valyria’s heir. Plus, Euron’s political platform was this:

“I know as much of war as you do, Crow’s Eye,” Asha said. “Aegon Targaryen conquered Westeros with dragons.”

“And so shall we,” Euron Greyjoy promised. “That horn you heard I found amongst the smoking ruins that were Valyria, where no man has dared to walk but me. You heard its call, and felt its power. It is a dragon horn, bound with bands of red gold and Valyrian steel graven with enchantments. The dragonlords of old sounded such horns, before the Doom devoured them. With this horn, ironmen, I can bind dragons to my will.”

Asha laughed aloud. “A horn to bind goats to your will would be of more use, Crow’s Eye. There are no more dragons.”

“Again, girl, you are wrong. There are three, and I know where to find them. Surely that is worth a driftwood crown.”

And his talk with Victarion reveals this to be a personal ambition as well:

Euron seated himself and gave his cloak a twitch, so it covered his private parts. “I had forgotten what a small and noisy folk they are, my ironborn. I would bring them dragons, and they shout out for grapes.”

“Grapes are real. A man can gorge himself on grapes. Their juice is sweet, and they make wine. What do dragons make?”

“Woe.”

Cersei can’t give Euron dragons. And he doesn’t want to rule Westeros so her being queen doesn’t matter. Euron’s grasping eye is looking to devour something beyond the physical. On a metaphysical level, he wants to be Old Valyria’s heir, consuming the world and bringing woe to countless people. A dragon will help elevate him from ironborn king to draconic slaver.

Malora Hightower … I don’t see it. I mean, The Winds of Winter might give more grounds to this theory, but it seems the evidence leans more towards her trying to save humanity as a whole in the long-term while neglecting it in the short-term with her father:

“To be sure. Lord Leyton’s locked atop his tower with the Mad Maid, consulting books of spells. Might be he’ll raise an army from the deeps. Or not. Baelor’s building galleys, Gunthor has charge of the harbor, Garth is training new recruits, and Humfrey’s gone to Lys to hire sellsails. If he can winkle a proper fleet out of his whore of a sister, we can start paying back the ironmen with some of their own coin. Till then, the best we can do is guard the sound and wait for the bitch queen in King’s Landing to let Lord Paxter off his leash.”

I personally think Malora and Leyton are tragic figures, people trying to handle and tap into the magical and metaphysical, all in an effort to save humanity from the Long Night… but ultimately end off neglecting humanity from its immediate time of need and paying the price for it in the end, laying the metaphysical minefields that’ll ignite upon Euron’s descent into Oldtown.

So, what I do think personally? Well, my first gut instinct was that it was either Dany or Melisandre, given the possible textual evidence than the others:

Slender she was, graceful, taller than most knights, with full breasts and narrow waist and a heart-shaped face. Men’s eyes that once found her did not quickly look away, not even a maester’s eyes. Many called her beautiful. She was not beautiful. She was red, and terrible, and red.

Melisandre cried, “We thank you for Stannis, by your grace our king. We thank you for the pure white fire of his goodness, for the red sword of justice in his hand, for the love he bears his leal people. Guide him and defend him, R'hllor, and grant him strength to smite his foes.”

She was stronger at the Wall, stronger even than in Asshai. Her every word and gesture was more potent, and she could do things that she had never done before. Such shadows as I bring forth here will be terrible, and no creature of the dark will stand before them. With such sorceries at her command, she should soon have no more need of the feeble tricks of alchemists and pyromancers.

That being said, I shot this down. Melisandre is a religious zealot and ex-slave with a genuine desire to save the world who’ll commit to unsavory means to net-positive ends. She doesn’t take pleasure or emotional catharsis in suffering. She causes suffering through her burnings, and that’s worth condemning, but it’s for her notion of the “greater good”, not out of joy.

The very notion that Melisandre would work with Euron, who is essentially an Other in human skin… it just doesn’t work. I can cite logistical problems, but, from a character-driven level, any working relationship between them doesn’t add up. Maybe a female follower of R’hllor, given the white fire that Melisandre ties with R’hllor, but otherwise, this just doesn’t work for me.

So, after thought, this is what I’ve decided: a female representation of the Others that Euron’s going to colliding together with.  

Shadow?

Will saw movement from the corner of his eye. Pale shapes gliding through the wood. He turned his head, glimpsed a white shadow in the darkness. Then it was gone.

“We have white shadows in the woods and unquiet dead stalking our halls, and a boy sits the Iron Throne,” he said in disgust.

“The cold gods,” she said. “The ones in the night. The white shadows.”

Long and tall?

Tall, it was, and gaunt and hard as old bones, with flesh pale as milk. Its armor seemed to change color as it moved; here it was white as new-fallen snow, there black as shadow, everywhere dappled with the deep grey-green of the trees.

Sword-slim it was, and milky white.

Terrible and laughing at human suffering?

The bear was dead, pale and rotting, its fur and skin all sloughed off and half its right arm burned to bone, yet still it came on. Only its eyes lived. Bright blue, just as Jon said.

A horse’s head emerged from the darkness. Sam felt a moment’s relief, until he saw the horse. Hoarfrost covered it like a sheen of frozen sweat, and a nest of stiff black entrails dragged from its open belly.

The watchers moved forward together, as if some signal had been given. Swords rose and fell, all in a deathly silence. It was cold butchery. The pale blades sliced through ringmail as if it were silk. Will closed his eyes. Far beneath him, he heard their voices and laughter sharp as icicles.

A woman?

The gathering gloom put Bran in mind of another of Old Nan’s stories, the tale of Night’s King. He had been the thirteenth man to lead the Night’s Watch, she said; a warrior who knew no fear. “And that was the fault in him,” she would add, “for all men must know fear.” A woman was his downfall; a woman glimpsed from atop the Wall, with skin as white as the moon and eyes like blue stars. Fearing nothing, he chased her and caught her and loved her, though her skin was cold as ice, and when he gave his seed to her he gave his soul as well.

He brought her back to the Nightfort and proclaimed her a queen and himself her king, and with strange sorceries he bound his Sworn Brothers to his will. For thirteen years they had ruled, Night’s King and his corpse queen, till finally the Stark of Winterfell and Joramun of the wildlings had joined to free the Watch from bondage. After his fall, when it was found he had been sacrificing to the Others, all records of Night’s King had been destroyed, his very name forbidden.

As for the pale, white fire, a fair counterpoint. I assume a Others-friendly glass candle because how would Euron otherwise make his deal with the Others, given the distance between them? And there’s some precedent, textually:

Alleras nodded at the glass candle.

Sam stared at the strange pale flame for a moment, then blinked and looked away. Outside the window it was growing dark.

Precedent, motive, characterization, textual support, a representation of all the sorceries Euron “demon in human skin” Greyjoy wants to conquer and take over is the perfect mate. Who better to help herald in the apocalypse for a man who wants to consume all the metaphysics and reign as king over the dragonfires and, with this mate’s help, the frozen lands?

Hope this helps!

[thetradeway]

Session 43 31 May 2021: “This is a local ship for local people.”

I’m a bit late, so are Duncan and Sophie. What were we doing? Oh yes, we killed some sirens. It turns out that the boat we are on is 190ft long and not 200 as advertised; clearly Captain Beckett felt the need to exaggerate a few things.

Ed has read the blog so he’s all caught up. (Yay me!) Tarragon mentions that Popcorn was very cross that someone killed his shark, so Kessler offers to throw him a few fins. He is suitably mollified.

The crew of the Fallen Star are scanning the ocean around us for more threats; the First Mate (Aegea) is still looking horrified at the violent deaths of two of her crewmates. We are told the sharks shouldn’t be this close to land. She also says that although she’s heard tale of sirens, she’s never seen one before today. This is not a typical voyage for them at all.

(Could this be something to do with Sea-Bitch? I forget her name.)

A kid runs up to Aegea to tell her she’s wanted below deck. Tarragon heals Ahleqs and casts Lesser Restoration on him and Gideon for the lowered HP max situation.

Aegea reappears and asks if one of us is a cleric; Brother Charity, Ardvack, says he will do whatever she needs. (Hm.) What god does he follow, she asks? Helm, he says. He’ll make it as multi-denominational as he can.

They need to bury the deceased. He says he needs about an hour to get ready. We help clean up the deck during the hour, and are invited to attend the ceremony afterward.

(Ardvack asks Gideon for a quick word in private, but Ed has gone to make coffee because he’s flagging. Matthew decides that means he’s agreed; why would he not want a clandestine meeting with Ardvack?)

The crew pitch in to help clean the deck; Aegea is attaching shells to driftwood; we do Investigation checks. They are painting symbols on the wood - split waves, symbols of Umberlee. (Sea Bitch!) There is also a lightning symbol - we’ve seen Gunna wearing that. It’s a symbol of the Captain of the Waves. Melaina only recognises the dolphin symbol - the elven god of the Underseas. They are attaching candles to the driftwood; these effigies will probably be put out to sea in lieu of bodies.

Ahleqs thinks it would be nice to be able to cast Prestidigitation, but he doesn’t have the spell. He tries to cast it anyway and the DM makes him roll on the ToC table - 73, a random creatures within 60ft of him becomes poisoned for 1d4 hours. He casts Mage Armour for when his unfortunate victim attacks him. No need, because he’s poisoned himself, and we all just assume he’s seasick. He retreats to the poop deck, just in case, and lays down and presses his head against the deck because it’s cooling.

The sailors start coming up from below deck after the hour.

Kessler asks who’s on watch while all this is happening? We’ve already been nailed once, she’d hate for it to happen again. The captain, first mate, bosun, quartermaster, even the cook are all on deck so they can watch.

Beckett approaches us; he looks unwell. Tarragon and Kessler inquire after his health; he says he’s fine. He asks if we’ve seen Brother Charity - he’s still in the surgery. Gideon is still with him.

Meanwhile, in the surgery...

Ardvack: “I expect you’re wondering why I’ve called you here.”

Ed, who has just come back from making coffee and might not have heard the part of the session where he was invited to the surgery: “Errrr…”

Charity thanks Gideon for being the only one of the party who have made him feel welcome; he gives him a scroll and says he wrote it himself. (Oh boy.) It’s a scroll of disguise self; Gideon is relieved as he thought it might be poetry. Ardvack says he thinks it might come in handy. Gideon can copy it into his book; Charity says he hopes Gideon will think of him when he casts it. He says he will put it to good use.

On deck, we are discussing doing something with the shark; Ahleqs throws up over the side.

Charity emerges on deck. The crew have finished their offerings. Charity starts the ceremony for the fallen: Christopher Moistloins and Brian Tetheradick.

He recites a short piece of his own creation and invites the crew to say a few words; he will be sending Carl around with an alms box for their families.

Matthew reads the following:

(We all hear a big sob from the aft castle from Ahleqs.)

Charity burns some stuff in a brazier. Some of the crew and the captain tell stories about the fallen crew, and some put coins in the alms box. We all add some too.

We hold a wake on deck in the evening with rum. We roll perception checks; Ahleqs at Disadvantage because he’s poisoned. He also still cannot get drunk; his body has no idea what’s going on.

The crew are whispering that the Captain was not on deck for the fight; this is unusual. Aegea says the Captain was sound asleep when she got to his chambers and he had to be woken magically. Hmm.

The wake goes on for several hours, after which we retire - some of us for healing and then rest. Ahleqs follows Charity to the surgery, very green and hugging a small metal pot he’s found.

Charity asks him to describe his symptoms; he vomits. Everything is spinning, and this rash is new too. Charity prescribes a course of leeches. He makes a Medicine check - an 18. The Tides of Chaos turned his stomach contents foul. (Ew.) Charity makes a check with the Healer’s Kit - a 21 - and hands him a glass vial that looks like pepto bismol (and smells like it). Ahleqs chugs it and feels much better.

Gideon wants to play dice with the sailors; Melaina and Tarragon help with the watches. Tarragon takes a long rest first, and helps with the last of the watches. (Mina struggles to type the right command to do a long rest; we cheer when she finally gets it.)

Tarragon and Melaina ascend to the crow’s nest. The evening is clear and beautiful. I get all of my good rolls out of the way nice and early with a 25 Perception check. In front of the ship, we see unnatural looking storm clouds. Tarragon shouts to the crew; a lad climbs up the rigging and takes a look through the telescope, pales, and runs to get Sparks. (Mina, OOC: "Is he singing 'This Town Ain’t Big Enough for the Both of Us' as he goes?")

We could have sworn we saw something very large break the surface of the ocean ahead of us. (Me, Melaina, and Charity still have water breathing, so we can drown as slowly as we like.)

Sparks arrives and looks scared - Tarragon points out the big shape but Sparks can’t see it. What did it look like? We aren’t sure. Could it be a whale? She goes back down the rigging and goes to get the Captain.

The storm clouds are getting nearer. The Captain appears on deck and beckons us; we scramble down. He says we don’t have time to turn away from the storm, so we don’t want to be in the crow’s nest when it hits. Tarragon runs to the cabins to wake the others; with no idea what social niceties even are, she bursts into their rooms without knocking.

Ardvack, rolling over in bed to face her, crossly: “Tarragon, I’m not interested!”

Tarragon leaps onto his bed and starts kicking him, furious. “There’s a storm approaching, get up and help us!”

Ahleqs casts Mage Armour.

The ship is lurching by the time we all get back on deck. Tarragon casts Water Breathing on as many people as she can who don’t already have it. We make DEX saves for the lurching deck; all of us except Tarragon deal with it pretty well. She falls prone.

The crew are running around; the deck is chaos. Spark’s eyes are pure white - she’s concentrating really hard. The storm seems not quite as bad directly around the ship. The waves are bigger outside her sphere of influence, and the lightning doesn’t strike within it. Ardvack decides he’s going back down until he’s advised it might be worse down there. He looks for a rope to lash himself and Carl to a mast.

We make Perception checks. Those of us who roll 15 or over hear what sounds like a horn over the rain and thunder and crashing waves. This storm does not seem altogether natural.

Kessler has Ahleqs cast Light on one of her crossbow bolts; she fires it in the direction of the horn that we heard. It flies in a straight line, is taken by the wind and disappears. But she has invented the first signal flare crossbow.

Ardvack finds a place to shelter. Literally all of us except Melaina roll super bad on our DEX saves and are moving at half speed for this encounter. Ahleqs uses Tides of Chaos to give himself Advantage and rolls a nat 20, but then rolls 100 on the d100 - we all panic until he says he ‘regains all his expended Sorcery Points’. Because he rolled so well the DM lets him give a pass to one of his team - he chooses Tarragon. "Barbarians need to move to get closer." (Yeah!)

We roll Perception again. Those who roll ten or more hear the eerie horn again - this time it’s much closer. Should Kessler try her flare bolt again?

(Gideon is worried this might be a ghost ship…) Anyone who rolled 15 or more can roll Perception again at Advantage. Ahleqs sees something and falls down in fright.

The horn sounds again and we all hear it this time. Aegea shouts, “Sea Devils! We have to keep them away from the Captain and the mage or we’re all fucked!” Tarragon runs toward Sparks. The others place themselves where they want to be, and we roll Initiative. I get a nat 1! Fuck! Melaina hides near the mast so she can do some cowardly shooting at a distance.

(We may need to figure out now which of the crew have Water Breathing. Three of ours already had it - Tarragon, Charity and Melaina - and Carl doesn’t need it, so she casts it on Ahleqs, Kessler and Gideon. She can get 7 more.) DM says I got: Captain, Sparks, Aegea, and a couple of the crew. The bosun is not on deck.

Melaina makes a Perception check - a 23. She sees, out of the ocean and scurrying up the side of the ship, a sea-devil!

Ahleqs is up first. He waves to the sea-devil. “Hello! Uh… How are you? Can we help you at all?” He’s using his Retail background. (Sophie, OOC: “This is a local ship for local people.”) He makes a Persuasion check.

It snarls at him and says “Those who are eaten should shut up.” Its voice is raspy, throaty.

Ahleqs holds his hands out: “I’m sure we can come to a mutual arrangement that will benefit all of us,” and readies a Firebolt. If anything attacks any of us, he will attack it.

Ahleqs, Gideon and Melaina - actually most of us, this thing’s big - Thanks Joe - see this, crawling up the side of the ship:

A Huge sea-devil. Well, shit. (Gideon’s only complaint so far is that it doesn’t have webbed digits. It does seem to have webbed armpits. It must get through a lot of deodorant.)

Carl is killing it today - he rolls a 17 for his Dex save. The ship lurches as if something very large slams into it, which is likely exactly what happened. Gideon and Ardvack are knocked prone.

Kessler is up. She shoots the first sea devil with her crossbow, vowing to eat it if she gets a chance. 16 hits, for 8 piercing damage. It screeches, sounding more angry than hurt. That’s okay, this is just the opening salvo. She fires another shot - a 9, which misses.

Tarragon sees another sea devil scale the back of the boat - because it’s feeling friendly it throws a net at her, rolling a 20. Well shit.

Melaina hides and shoots at the bigjobs - a 20 hits. she only - only! - does 25 damage.

Another sea devil runs up to Tarragon in her net and grabs her, running back toward the railing. Shit!

(Duncan complains that all of the sea devils who are attacking are doing so behind him where he can’t see them to unleash his Firebolt; Joe says he will move one that Ahleqs can see. Ahleqs: “I didn’t mean it…”)

Gideon goes on operation Rescue the Druid - well he tries, but he’s prone at the moment. He uses half his movement to get up and goes as far as he can, but can’t quite reach her. There’s still stuff to kill elsewhere though, and she tells him not to worry too much as she has a plan. There’s a pause; is he trying to remember how big a Fireball is? Ed, OOC: “Not yet.” He decides to Grease the deck. This may help or hinder, but he’s doing it anyway. He’s trying to trip the one dragging Tarragon over the side. Hopefully it will hit the railing groin-first in a comical manner, taking 10 cloaca damage. It has to make a DEX save; it rolls a 5 and falls over, yay! Tarragon rolls out of his grip - she’s lucky there’s a railing around the edge.

Thanks Gideon! Grease Wizard to the rescue!

Carl’s turn. (Does he smell bad, by the way? Yes, Matthew tells us. He was already desiccated, and the sea water hasn’t done much to help. He might want some herbs to freshen the air around him or we could all get nosegays.) He uses his turn to dash.

Tarragon rages and uses the Rage to get Advantage on her Strength check to get out of the net - she rolls a nat 20 and does a big roar at the sea devil, forearm veins bulging as she does so. She uses half her movement to stand up.

The sea devil nearest Ardvack throws a dart at him - it rolls a 5 and misses. Ardvack doesn’t even notice it over the noise of the storm. It’s his turn. “Carl, what on earth are you doing?”

Duncan, OOC: “Well, I think we’ve established that they don’t want to be mates.”

Ardvack does Bonus Action Shellegblghlslehhlhlsfghh, then does a Very Holy Eldritch Blast. One hits, the other misses. (The hit definitely doesn’t heal it for 7HP. He’s turned on us!) It screeches, showing rows and rows of sharp teeth. Ardvack, unimpressed: “How gauche.”

A sea devil multi-attacks Carl at Advantage because he’s flanked. The bite hits with a 17 for 3 piercing, and the spear hits at a 14 for 2 piercing. Carl is now their friend, as is their custom.

Anther shiny new friend joins us on the boat. It has a vajazzle!

(I delete myself off the board by accident. Whoops. Benevolent DM puts me back on the board, and in the turn order; sorry, thank you, sorry.)

The new she-monster barks at the others: “Spare the honoured one!” She’s feeling friendly, so a magical looking trident appears in front of Ardvack and takes a swing at him. Just as soon as her spell sheet loads. Ardvack is against whatever’s going on here.

It’s taking forever, so we move on to Ahleqs. He was going to ask - he thinks it’s important to have a conversation about Fireballs and ships. It’s about our third day on the ship; since we’ve been here a while, DM says he knows by now that the ship is warded against fire damage. It’s not immune, but it won’t take full damage.

If he places it right, he will do minimal structural damage. What he’ll do then is first turn around to see what horrors are going on behind him. He sees Gideon’s Grease, and casts Fireball at level 3. Joe makes some DEX saves. two 9s, a 16 and an 18. The 9s fail and take 34 fire damage, and 17 for the rest.

Here is the good news - he’s killed three and injured two more. Nice! The big one was still over the side and was therefore protected from the blast, which is the bad news. He moves, but not too close to the edge 'in case a tentacle comes'. He hunches a little bit and cowers. Ardvack takes the attack from the trident - 18 hits, so he takes 4 Force damage from the she-monster’s Spiritual Weapon.

Another sea devil throws another dart at Ardvack and misses; again he is utterly oblivious. The big bastard one dives back under the water. He is appalled at our treatment of them as guests.

Another comes out of the sea and climbs on board; DM: “Because that’s fun.”

(Tarragon has her back to all of this, and has no idea exactly how bad things are behind her.)

Kessler asks Tarragon if she needs any help, and receives a mindless roar in response. She shoots at some of the creatures - 11 misses, 24 hits.

(Carl is disappointed to find out that the devils aren’t Small; he wanted to grab one by the face and swing it at another one.) We make more DEX saves as the ship lurches again. Ardvack gets a 3 and goes over the side. He can breathe water at the moment, but he’s not a strong swimmer. As he hits and goes under, he catches a glimpse of something:

Oh Christ. Oh no. It’s labelled ‘Enormous Shark’. He’s now keeping Ardvack company in the sea. It’s almost like someone doesn’t want us to reach our destination…

22 hits Tarragon with a poison dart; she takes 3 piercing damage and has to make a CON save - if she fails by 5 or more she is Unconscious. The DC is 13 and she rolls an 8; she is Poisoned and Unconscious (But not at 0HP.)

Melaina Hides with a 24 and shoots at the priestess - 18 hits, for 40 damage with Sharpshooter. (She is a god among women, isn’t she.) Now that she’s attacked, she is visible - the priestess says points at her and says, “Brethren, unclean one!”

The nearest one picks Tarragon up and flings her overboard. Rude. She awakens when she hits the freezing water though, so not entirely bad.

Gideon has two party members in the water. “Well… crap. Okay.” He eventually decides to scamper across the deck (I can’t see where as I’m in the water and facing the wrong way) and do Aganazzar’s Scorcher to try and catch two of them. They both save and take half damage, 7 Fire. The one closest to him is killed. Gideon: “oooh. Fried fish.” It smells disgusting apparently; he uses his bonus action to plug his nose.

Carl turns slowly and ominously to his new buddy, and his hood is blown down, exposing his pallid dead flesh and his milky eyes. He does a, and I’m quoting here, “double-handed splat on him”. Open handed on the top of the head, he rolls a 21 Slam attack to compress it into the deck. He and it make contested Strength checks; Carl wins. The devil is Grappled. Carl would like to squeeze until his hands meet in the middle or something bursts; maybe his head?

(Ahleqs looks at Carl and thinks of the picture he drew for them. Matthew, OOC: “As I said, Carl has a rich internal life. There’s a lot going on.”)

A devil shoots a dart at Melaina and misses; Sophie, OOC: “Twats.”

Tarragon rage-climbs up the side of the ship, using her Action to Dash, and ends her Rage. Everyone is surprised by this; we didn’t know you could do that.

Can Ardvack see the shark? No, because he’s back on the surface of the water. (It turns out that he can see in the dark, but none of us know that in-game. Huh.)

He rolls a nat 20 Perception check. He can now target the shark; it’s 30 feet long. Holy fucking shit.

Matthew, OOC: “It’s a dumb idea. It’s a dumb idea. It’s a very bad idea.” What is? He was thinking he could Misty Step and cling on to the back of its fin and, again I’m quoting, “pester it”. Perhaps he could pump air into it with a hypodermic needle…?

He doesn’t know if Ardvack is that much of a reckless maniac. Can he cast spells with a verbal component underwater while hanging on to the back of a shark, since he has Water Breathing? If the spell has a Somatic component he would have to let go. If he was a retired rodeo champion, the DM might let him try.

He could Misty Step into the shark and pester it from within…? Matthew, OOC: “That sounds like a one-way trip.” He Misty Steps onto the back of it, and he’ll see where he goes from there.

Duncan, OOC: “How fast can a shark go? Are we ever going to see Brother Charity again?”

The shark has almost armour plating; a knife likely won’t go in. Ardvack attempts to cling onto the fin. His Gunna is showing, and the DM approves. He awards Ardvack Inspiration; “That’s ballsy.”

Is that you done, Matthew? “Yes. I have made a terrible, terrible error.”

Contested Strength checks for the devil and Carl; Carl fails this time. The fish man is off; he does not enjoy this. Carl raises his hood in fury. He will take this out on something else close to him on his turn.

The priestess casts Mass Healing Word on her sea-devils. She drinks a potion, because Melaina ruined her day. She calls out to her comrades: “We who eat! Quickly, attack those who are eaten!”

Ahleqs does Eldritch Blast at one of them, using Tides of Chaos for Advantage; 23 to hit, and a dirty 20 to hit for 5 total Force damage. He rolls on the Table of Joy and Wonder: 30. He teleports up to 60 feet to a space he can see. Every space he can see is worse than the one he’s in, though. He teleports to the least dangerous one.

A sea-devil shoots a poison dart at Melaina - it misses. Does Ahleqs want the good news or the bad news? He opts for the good news: he is told he 'ain’t gonna be lonely no more'. The bad news is that he’s joined by the Big Bastard, who has clambered back on board. It does a multi-attack at him. The bite hits for 9 damage.

Duncan, OOC, with hope in his voice: “Is that it?”

DM, with no trace of remorse: “Nope. not so much.”

It gives him a quick prod with its trident - Ahleqs uses two Sorcery Points to Bend Luck - the attack misses. Phew. The Big Bastard prods him again, but rolls a nat 1. “That was fortunate.”

A devil chucks a net at Carl - 22 hits, and Carl is netted. Carl’s other friend scoops him up and slings him overboard. He’s full of corpse gas, though, so he floats. Naturally buoyant. He looks very avant-garde, floating around in his net.

Aegea has a go at killing one of them; she manages it. Woo! Kessler is up. She shouts at Ahleqs to cower (“already all over it”) and shoots her crossbow over his head at the Priestess for 4 damage. She takes a shot at the one that just escaped Carl’s clutches with a dirty 20, for 10 piercing. He is looking ropey; she can see his opal-y flesh through his scales. She then yells at the big bastard to try and get it to attack her instead of Ahleqs.

We all make DEX saves except Ardvack who makes a STR check as the shark slams into the ship again. Tarragon rolls a nat 1. Ardvack is thrown from the back of the shark and is now floating in the ocean. The shark uses some of its movement to dive down.

DM, sounding entirely too gleeful: “You’ve seen the thing on documentés where it comes up from below, right Matthew?”

Melaina wants to pour oil down the mast to make it slippery so the devils can’t climb up. She can cover half the mast if she uses her action. That’ll give them a DC15 to climb. She does that. Two of them slide back down. She attempts to hide but rolls a 12.

The sea devil in Gideon's Grease uses half his movement to stand up, rolls a DEX save which he fails and falls back down. He uses the rest of his movement to stand up again. Amazing.

Gideon uses his fancy new spell on the Big Bastard - Phantasmal Killer. (oooooo!) It makes a WIS save and fails, taking 24 Psychic damage and is Frightened. At the end of each of his turns, he must succeed another Wis save or take 4d10 further Psychic damage. Woah. Wait - it doesn’t take damage yet.

Carl frees himself from the net and starts to climb back on board, ending his turn about halfway up. A devil shoots a dart at Melaina and misses.

Tarragon wanted to cast Greater Shillbblldhdlgslfslgghhh, but finds out at the last second that she doesn’t have it prepared, so she just runs up and hits a devil for 5 damage, and throws a Healing Word to Ahleqs at second level for her bonus action.

Ardvack isn’t sure what to do; he can’t go up against a shark, he’s a tiny little man! He swims away - away?! - from the boat. (He has another character prepared, right?)

He holds his action so that when the shark comes, he will teleport onto the boat. Actually, wait - he has another idea that’s even worse. If you opened up a Bag of Holding underwater, would it fill with water and stay the same size? DM, dubiously: “�� Yes… Where are you going with this?”

He wants to get in the BoH, filled with water which he can breathe, and wait for the shark. He will hold his action and wait for the shark. Then he wants to wait for the shark to eat the bag, and do something even dumber than that. The DM warns him that the shark might decide that a bag is a meagre prize, and go for something else.

He decides instead to chum the water a bit - he is bleeding. Perhaps some smaller sharks will distract the big one.

Nope - he decides to go half in, half out of the bag. That’s his turn with his held action.

Does 18 hit Gideon? He is just an elderly dwarf in a dress. We wait for Ed to reply, but it seems we’ve lost him - oh wait, there he is. 18 does hit. He takes 3 Piercing damage and is Poisoned. Nope - he succeeds on his CON save and is not poisoned. He makes a CON check to maintain concentration on his spell and fails; Phantasmal Killer fails and does no damage. Booh! We ain’t dead yet, though.

The Luscious Lovely of the Sea comes down to the mast, and casts Hold Person on Melaina. Ahleqs does Counterspell - and blocks the spell. The priestess thinks that’s incredibly rude, so she uses her bonus action to move her Spiritual Weapon towards Ahleqs. She attacks with it - and misses. Yeah!

Ahleqs casts Burning Hands on the Big Bastard - at 4th level, because he’s terrified. (The DM remembers that these things have Blood Frenzy, so technically they have advantage on attacking us if we’re injured. All of us: “Thanks, Joe!”) The Big Bastard makes a DEX save versus Burning Hands, and rolls a nat 1. She takes 21 Fire damage. DM: “You swine!”

Ahleqs gibbers a little bit. The Priestess looks cross, so he cowers and says, “sorry!”

A devil claws its way up the mast and slashes at Melaina - a multi-attack, both of which hit her. She takes 5 damage total. “Little swine!”

Does Ahleqs have all his HP back? Duncan, OOC: “What’s it to you?” He does, because Tarragon healed him, so the Sea devil doesn’t have Advantage on him. It does a multi-attack - 18, 18 and 21 all hit. He uses a Sorcery Point to Bend Luck on one of the 18s, but it doesn’t do anything. He takes 24 damage total. Ouch.

This ain’t looking grand for us. Aegea will try to run for reinforcements on her turn.

More poisoned darts - Melaina dodges it again. Aegea, to Gideon: “Have you got this for a second? Protect the Captain and Sparks and I’ll get help!”

Kessler is going to do something incredibly daft. She leaves melee range of one of the sea devils and takes an attack of opportunity - which misses - and marches up to the Big Bastard, stowing her crossbow. “Leave the squishy one alone!” She goes for an attack to the face with her Thunder Gauntlet - which hits. 9 points of Thunder damage. Second attack is a nat 20! She does an anime sequence before she hits. Stunning blow - Max damage, and the target must make a DC14 CON save and is stunned on a fail. He rolls a 26. Well, shit. Still though, if he tries to attack anything else he’ll be at disadvantage, which is good news for Ahleqs.

Ardvack is splashing around in the roiling ocean. Does he want odds or evens? The shark can attack him, or leap out of the water and bite at Carl, hanging off the side of the boat. He chooses odds - the shark attacks Ardvack. He climbs mostly inside the BoH - with one hand hanging out, holding an Immovable Rod. With his held action, he activates it. He makes a DEX save - if he succeeds, the shark leaps out of the water and swallows the Bag of Holding. It is suspended in the air as the Rod activates. The DM allows Matthew to make his case for what sort of, and how much, damage he rolls.

How fast was the shark moving, first of all? DM googles it, and reckons about 35MPH. Matthew wants to calculate the damage as you would falling damage - a d6 per 10 feet travelled. Duncan has looked up the rules surrounding the Immovable Rod. It can hold 8,000lb. So how heavy is a shark? An enormous one, at that? There’s a lot of talk about sharks and weight and tons versus tonnes. We decide to go with Imperial tons, as that’s what 5e uses. Great whites can get up to 5,000lbs at about half the length, 15-16 feet.

We decide that the shark weighs more than the Rod can hold, so it swallows Ardvack, the Bag, and the Rod - which deactivates. Well… He’s biffed that, hasn’t he? He spends the rest of the round coming up with a new plan. We all saw and heard what happened, sadly for him. Ahleqs will still be screaming when his turn comes around again.

Melaina ignores the devils next to her and aims at the Priestess, but hides first. 13 misses. “Bollocks. Okay, that’s me done.”

No wait - 13 hits! Nice! 34 damage. Bitch is haggard. “She looks in a terrible terrible bad way.”

(Matthew OOC: “I’m inside a giant fish.” Sophie: “You idiot.”)

The devil nearest Tarragon attacks her with a 20 for two damage. She laughs at it, showing the blood on her teeth. Another attacks Ahleqs with a 16 for 2 piercing. Another attacks Kessler - both its multi-attacks miss.

Gideon’s plan is to shoot a spell in a line at three of the Devils - he does Aganazzar’s Scorcher again. They make DEX saves - the first dies outright. “Woohoo!” One succeeds - taking 9 damage - and one fails, taking 18. Gideon sits back and says some encouraging words to Sparks and the Captain.

Carl has another ten feet to climb - which takes 20 feet of his movement. He clambers back on board like Jason Voorhees and does 'that weird shoulder breathing thing' and spends the rest of his turn looking intimidating.

Another poison dart - this one at Melaina, again. It just hits, with her new AC (two added as she’s behind cover). She takes 2 piercing and makes a CON save - she fails with a 2, and falls unconscious. “Awhh!”

Tarragon hits the devil in front of her for 10 bludgeoning; it’s looking ropey. She Healing Word’s Ahleqs again.

Brother Fish Food is up. He doesn’t need his hands to cling on from inside the shark, so good news, Somatic components are A-OK. He clings to the edge of the Bag of Holding and casts Dimension Door to bring himself and the Bag to the edge of the ship where he was originally knocked off. He spills out of the Bag; anyone near him hears him mutter-sobbing: “Terrible idea, terrible bad idea, my books are ruined, I’m never going in the sea again…” and vomiting. DM: "… there was water in the Bag, yes?"

He has flooded the deck with acidic shark stomach contents. Lovely.

Duncan, OOC: “Well, you aren’t in a shark any more, so that’s nice.”

What horrifying event is going to befall the group next? Can’t be anything worse than what Ardvack has just done to himself.

Nothing happens yet; the Priestess Heals her scabby ass so she doesn’t fall down dead on the deck. For her Bonus Action, since Melaina is unconscious, she clobbers the gobbo with her Spiritual Weapon. She rolls a 23, but Kessler casts Shield. DM, frustrated: “God damn you!”

Ahleqs’ turn. “Hello!” Looks like the goblin has things under control, so he can probably run away. The Priestess and the devil are both in melee with Kessler, so no attack of opportunity. He runs for it and turns to throw a Fireball, but changes his mind and casts Shatter instead at 3rd level. He hits the Priestess and two of the remaining devils - they make CON saves. We wait for Joe’s computer…

The Priestess and one of the devils save; 17 for the other and half for the two who succeed. He kills one, yay! He swigs a Healing Potion for his Bonus Action.

Melaina takes a d6 of damage as the devil in the crow’s nest with her picks up her unconscious body and flings it down onto the deck. She wakes, but takes 3 falling damage.

Kessler makes an attack of opportunity as Big Bastard moves to get past her - she smacks it with her Thunder Gauntlet but rolls a nat1. Matthew reminds Joe about the crit-fail table. On the Rebound - Your weapon bounces off your target and strikes you in the face. Take 1/2 the weapon’s damage, and you have Disadvantage on your next attack.

DM, delighted: “I hit her, I finally hit her!”

Does 17 hit Melaina? Yes, it does. Big Bastard is going to have a little bite of her, and then stab her with his trident. He’s at Advantage because she’s prone but at Disadvantage because she’s not Kessler, so a straight roll - an 11 and an 18 for 18 Piercing damage. Melaina is not in a good way, now. Another one comes and bites and claws at her as well, because this lot hate elves. Matthew, OOC: “This seems like racial profiling.”

Aegea returns with reinforcements - including Lolo, to Tarragon’s delight.

Kessler is up. She uses her bonus action to activate her Defensive Shield, giving herself 7 temporary HP. She does her Thunder Gauntlets at Big Bastard again. 6 Thunder damage. She can’t reach the back of his head so she aims for the back of his groin. Ahleqs, wincing: “Oooh, right in the gooch.” DM: “You’ve caressed his dangles.”

We all make DEX saves as the boat lurches again. Melaina is already on the deck, so she doesn’t have to worry about it. Again, Tarragon falls - and Carl goes overboard again. Matthew, OOC: “He had plans…”

Ahleqs expends two Sorcery Points to add a d4 to Carl’s DEX save - he rolls a 2, which is just enough to save him from falling into the water again. Carl feels a warm sense of something - has he wet himself? - No, a sense of community. DM allows him a free Intelligence check to see if he can speak, to mark the occasion - he rolls a 1. Well, he rolls a 4, and applies his minus-three modifier. At least he’s still on board.

Sophie is nodding off and it’s a school night, so we knock it off there. Kessler is going to enjoy kicking the shit out of that Big Bastard next week.