#nd smth is always happening over there

[cutemeat]

Do you play neopets?!?

i do not </3 i liked online games, but neopets was so overwhelming for me, i tried to play it when i was like 8 n i was so dramatic abt it the first time i ever opened the map i started freaking out. i rlly do not know why, looking at the map now....? but no one around me ever rlly played the game so i was never properly introduced to it by someone who knew what they were doing....

but it was the only online game i could think of that had such a high level of detail esp with its character customization..... cuz wyatt tells me abt the game n shows me stuff... but i do not play it myself :,<

[spinninhavs]

reckless

matt sturniolo

ꜝ haven’s notes / thank u guys sososooso much for 500 !! i love u all so much dearly. i have a rlly busy week next week so i wanted to give u guys smth as a thank you:) also sorry if this is supa short

ꜝ genre / angst (no happy ending)

ꜝ warnings / yelling, cheating, crying, y/n used like twice (im sorryyyy), random names for the characters (audrey and fey), slight cursing, nd thats it! tell me if i missed anything

your friends have been on your tail recently about matt’s (your boyfriend) new friend who was a girl named audrey. they have been all telling you how he’s cheating on you with her but, you refuse to believe it. you met her a few times, she’s the complete opposite of you and shes perfect. you didn’t mind it that much whenever she tagged along on you nd matt’s dates, but the thing that pissed you off was the fact that they always left you out. he even ditched you a few times to go to her house to hang out without you.

its been a few weeks since the last time you saw audrey, which you were sort of glad about. but matt has been more distant recently. you laid on his bed as you waited for him to get out of his bathroom. he came in with the towel hanging low on his hips. “matt?” you say, watching him get his clothes from his dresser. he hummed back in reply, not turning to face you. “why have you been so distant lately? is it because of audrey?” you ask softly with your hands fidgeting with the hem of your shirt. “what are you talking about? of course not baby. don’t worry ‘bout her, you know i would never hurt you like that.” he explains while turning around now to look at you. “just have been stressed with filming and back to back meetings.” matt smiled while walking over to you nd sitting on the edge of his bed. “oh, okay” you say softly while sitting up. “‘m gonna start heading out, you wanna come over tonight?” you ask him, tangling a hand in his wet loose curls. “can’t, hanging out with chris nd sam.” he said as he leaned into your touch. “ohh, thats okay.” you sound a little disappointed but you understood that he was gonna be with his friend. “i love you, have fun” you smile while getting up from your spot and kissing his cheek gently. “love you too”

you ended up just going to your bestfriend’s house the nd you slept over there. your now sitting on fey’s bed while you both are silent nd scrolling on your guys’ phone. after another few minutes of the comfortable silence mixed with the sound of rain tapping the window before fey gasped. “hm?” you hum curiously while perching your head up on the palm of your hand. “uhm.. where did your boyfriend say he was going last night again?” she asked while looking up at you. “he said he was going out with chris and sam, why?” you say, getting up from your spot to sit next to her instead. she angled her phone so you could see it. a photo of matt and audrey kissing at someone’s party. “what?” you whisper under your breath, grabbing fey’s phone slowly to analyze the picture. “i hate to say it y/n but, i told you this was gonna happen.” she said while hugging your shoulders softly. you stay silent for a bit before handing fey the phone back. you stand up from her bed nd put your shoes back on. "where are you going?" your bestfriend asks from her spot. "going to matt's house." you mumble as you bite back tears.

"w-what?" fey said while getting up and moving next to you. "gonna go talk to him, i'll talk to you later." you say before leaving her room nd going downstairs. you get into your car, but you didn't start the car yet. you sat there nd just thought. he said he would never hurt you, but here we are. you make your thirteen minute drive to his house, parking your car behind the minivan. you slowly get out of the car nd make your way to the front door. you were met with nick, eyes filled with worry. "matt here?" you ask quietly. you got no response, but just a hug from him. "dude, im so sorry." he says softly. "nick please. is he here?" you ask again while pulling the brunette off of him. "y- well yeah bu-" the second nick said that matt was there you quickly push him to the side and you start walking to matt's room. upon opening the door, you saw audrey on top on matt’s lap, the two of them making out. your eyes soften to the sight, the brunette boy pushing the girl away. "y/n! nono it's not what it-" he quickly starts trying to explain himself. "i guess my friends were right." you say while slamming matt's bedroom door shut. "what?" he asks while standing up. "my friends matt. they all told me that you could be cheating on me with her. they were fucking right." tears start to form on your waterline as you pointed to audrey who was watching this entire thing go down.

"baby please. you know i never meant to hurt you." he says gently when he notices the tears forming in your eyes. "but you did matt! you just did! you told me that you were gonna hang out with chris nd sam but no!" you start to speak louder, your words laced with tears. "you went to a party nd someone saw you with her last night." you say again as you didn't even give matt a chance to defend himself anymore. "i know i know. can i just explain myself?" he says quietly. "no matt. because in this case you fucking can't." you say in a tone that matches his. "i didn't even know you could be this reckless with someone's heart." you whisper while turning your back to the two nd opening the door to leave. of course, matt chases after you. "y/n! wait!" he said while running out of the room, audrey for some reason, following behind. "matt i don't wanna hear it! you wrote me this long letter saying how i was the only girl you'd ever want in your life. but was that all to waste? now you're over here, ditching me nd lying to me to go hang out with another girl." you say a bit too loudly with your mascara staining your cheeks. your eyes flicker between matt nd audrey then they landed back on matt. "i hope you both go to hell." you mumble before walking downstairs with chris nd nick walking after you.

ꜝ taglist / @mattscoquette @mattsluttywaist @luverboychris @mxqdii @sweetstars-posts @xoxo4chrisss @conspiracy-ash @submattenthusiast @strnzzvsp @bambi-slxt @deftonesmatt @s7urnscc

[house-on-sand]

this song gives me jason vibes lowkey

dude

this IS jason vibes thank you (apparently id heard this song before but never knew the title or anything? so double thanks bc i like it a lot)

theres so much here that screams jason to me i fear this may turn into a long post 😔

"all the things you told me where they meaningless? i needed to know" <- jason and his thoughts abt like. his place in bruce's life yknow? especially with the whole good soldier thing i think. just wanting to know if he was cared about, if that stuff was real, or if it meant nothing and he really was just another soldier in batman's mission.

"told you i ain't mad, so let's stop before we crash / cause i don't wanna run anymore" <- DUDE this is so utrh coded specifically what do you mean!!! it's like his whole speech there!! nd the whole confrontation!!!! & that confrontation does signal the end of jason's running!! bc he's back in gotham and he's finally at the big finish of his plan!! this line drives me insane bc i can see it so clearly in like an edit or something. bc it works so well to me.

"cause you know i wear my heart on my sleeve" <- THIS ONE IS REAL TO ME AND REAL IF U UNDERSTAND JASON AS A CHARACTER AT ALL I SWEAR! LISTEN! YES HES CLOSED OFF AND SHIT BUT HE DOES! SHOW HOW HURT HE IS AND HOW ANGRY AND THIS JUST MAKES SENSE TO ME BC JASON IS SUCH AN EMOTIONAL PERSON N NOT EVERYONE SEES THAT! HE FEELS THINGS SO BIG! ND HES NOT ALWAYS AS GOOD AT HIDING IT AS HE THINKS! NOT EVEN RELATED REALLY BUT IT REMINDS ME THAT JASON IS AN ANGRY CRIER!!! IVE GOT SO MANY THOUGHTS I CANT PUT INTO WORDS ABT JASON TODD AND EMOTIONS!

"you'd be praying on my downfall with each and every phone call / just to see if i'd stay away / you and i could never break this never-ending focus of seeing who could keep playing games" <- very rhato 2016 to me. specifically like around #25 & the annual n stuff. idk if anyone else will see the vision or if it's just smth in my head that makes sense but yknow. bc rhato #25 is the big batman and red hood fight that ends with jason leaving gotham with roy and at the time he's pretty much Banned from gotham bc he'd broken the rules (not really) and batman made it clear that if he did that there'd be no more red hood, jason wouldn't be allowed to do as he wished anymore and all that shit. the whole stay away part is very much abt how jason is sort of Banned and stays out of gotham for awhile. idk can't articulate this one as well

"you lie through your teeth, feels so incomplete / wait for your story to take you too deep / and i call out your name" <- THE FIRST PART IS THE VICTIM BLAMING NARRATIVE AROUND JASON’S DEATH!!! THAT EVEN JAY WILL ADD ONTO BC NO ONE BLAMES JASON TODD FOR HIS DEATH MORE THAN HE DOES!!! U CANT CHANGE MY MIND!! BUT SERIOUSLY EVEN FROM A META POINT ITS ABT HOW EVERYONE ACTS LIKE ITS ALL JASON’S FAULT HE DIED BC HE WAS RECKLESS N SHIT ND MAYBE HE WAS A LITTLE BUT ITS NOT HIS FAULT! IT IS IN NO WAY HIS FAULT HE DIED! HE DIDNT TURN HIMSELF OVER TO THE JOKER AND HE DIDNT BEAT HIMSELF OR BLOW HIMSELF UP! IT WASNT HIS CHOICE TO SUFFOCATE BC OF ALL THE SMOKE HE WAS INHALING!! HE WAS JUST A KID!! AND HES TREATED LIKE THIS CAUTIONARY TALE IN UNIVERSE SO OTHER ROBINS (MAINLY TIM AT FIRST) KNOW WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU DONT FOLLOW ORDERS!! JASON DIED AND WAS TURNED INTO AN EXAMPLE! ITS ALL FUCKED UP!

then the calling out your name part is so. it's so evocative of the panels of jason in his grave waking up and realising he's trapped and calling out for bruce!!! it's so. it's got me fucked up

this is a very jason song to me now

[neurodivergantizzetwitch]

ive been hearing a lot of legitimate criticism of will wood and his fan base from people who like his music, but see him as a pretentious white guy, and his fanbase as an extension of that.

now i havent been in the ww fandom v long, but given the depths i have gone in it i feel at least somewhat comfortable saying im not sure exactly where this impression is coming from.

i see him writing very eclectic erratic and idiosyncratic songs, and people having a variety of interpretations of them, and i can see how that might come off as pretentiousness, especially bc some of his fans really do cross a line in terms of a gatekeepy parasocial attachment to will

but i haven't really seen anyone going THIS IS THE ONLY WAY TO INTERPRET THIS SONG YOURE STUPID IF YOU DONT SEE IT or smth to that effect

i acknowledge tho that there is also some legitimate background to this perception, bc what i have seen is:

-will playing characters live and joking w his audience in ways that are often either easily misinterpreted or clearly just someone with extreme mental health issues

-will being maybe mildly annoyed at how his fans often... over analyze his songs and upset when they overstep boundaries, and sometimes expressing that in non ideal ways.

-wills fans being incredibly obsessed with him and his music, which to the outside observer can be annoying i think (but honestly this to me reads more as a bunch of nd ppl w who have hyperfixated/have a special interest related to him)

-the lyrics to wills songs all being very confusing, especially the farther back in his discography you go, and his fans acting like their meanings are obvious on a first glance even when they arent (which is all the time)

-will pulling references from sources that can be seen as pretentious and off putting, esp when coming from a white guy (taoism, it's always sunny, modern psychology, 'classic' films, name dropping authors of philosophy, etc.)

-wills stances often being contrarian and often (especially on first glance) seemingly being that way purely for the sake of being contrarian

-will explaining his stances in fancy and grandiloquent language (a note on this one in particular: i think of this as not really a sign of being pretentious, potentially bc of my own struggles w it. i often accidentally use a bunch of complicated words and descriptions that wouldn't make sense to me if i was the one hearing them, not because im trying to be exclusionary or come off as ✨intelligent✨, but bc it was explained to me in those terms and i went through the process of studying it in that terminology and being told i had to use that terminology, and now im too dumb to translate what im thinking back into language that's actually comprehensible)

but i feel that a lot of these things are really overstated in how often they happen. by and large, i think a lot of this response is a misreading of the facts that his fanbase is really passionate to a somewhat obsessive degree, will is very passionate about the things he likes and the things he believes in, and both will and the majority of his fan base are pretty mentally unstable and/or neurodivergent.

from what ive seen, will isn't trying to be pretentious in any way and is legitimately just expressing himself. his fanbase despite their occasional issues are ultimately pretty much just very passionate people. and also he does not hate them! to quote the man himself

"guys, i don't hate you! stop telling people i hate you! stop doing that; i like you people! 99.999 percent of you are really good, and 99.999 percent of the people who piss me off are just going through it! i don't know where people are getting this idea the whole like 'will wood hates his fandom' yeah i know i said i hate you all in that song but... you know, it's a song! i like you guys."

if you have counter info/arguments though id love to see them. im always looking for new perspectives, and as i said ive *just* started listening to will wood and looking into his lore. i couldve totally missed smth and id love to hear it if i have.

[pumpkinsy0]

its a vague one but ik u always eat with the vague ones... hc for pony getting hyperfocused on something??? (probably writing smth or a book this NERDDD)

omg thank u for having faith in me here im always scared ill fuck up the vague ones and IM SORRY I GOT TO THIS A LIL LATE, i was a lil sleepy bastard last night💔💔 BUT YKNOW WHAT ill make this a generalized thing cause i feel like this happens quite a bit for him that i cant just pin point this to ONE thing if u know what i mean

•fixations for pony r def a roller coaster because chances r it comes from like 3 things, stress (for the future or whatever else), trauma, or its just out of genuine enjoyment from something (ND king here)

•id say how ppl react to how fixation would def push him into to same sphere of him not rlly taking care of himself to some degree, however getting there r two different things and its all based on if its academic or not

•if its academic, everyone is basically pushing him to do better, and he feels WAY more stressed out, it gets to a point where thats genuinely all he can think about and he feels like hes justified in not taking care of himself, cause its for “something good”, he always needs to b reminded or forced into taking care of himself at this point

•so hes more stressed out, but doesnt FEEL that way, he feels like hes just “working hard” and those r the consequences of it

•if its something thats NOT academic, ppl tease him for it and so hes more inclined to hide it and wont fully commit himself to it, so while hes less stressed, he FEELS like hes more stressed bc hes going back to what he SHOULD n doing for his future

•either that or hes worried about if the fixation makes him more or less tuff, he cares desperately for how ppl perceive him

•ALSO, maybe this is y pony was so annoyed w darry for making him flip flop between “doing school work vs letting loose” other than the obvious reason of it like just being confusing for him as for what to prioritize/do, it also just made pony even more stressed because his emotions kept changing over it, he wouldnt consistently feel one thing and that was an outside factor that just rlly fucked him up

•PERSONALLY, i do think he hyperfixated on fire and writing his essay and on fire for a good long while, hes also hes fixated on a few movies before but i feel like hes a pretty picky movie guy so it doesnt happen a lot

•i think the only person who would ever realize that ponys gettin rlly into something is soda bc sodas had/has the same issue, only thing is ppl write sodas off as him just being quirky and pony as being like a “go getter”

•while writing his essay, instead of like writing in small burst, he would write for a good long amount of time, like in huge burst, spend maybe even a few hours without realizing bc it was like 10mins in his eyes

•with books, he doesnt rlly get into like that, like yea he likes books but i dont think its exactly common for that to happen, at least w like story books

•w non fiction factual books, bc its the 60s he does rely on those quite a bit for his other fixations to get the info he wants, u can find a couple books in his collection relating to his interest at the time

[n3v474]

!!THINGS TO SCRIPT!!

Little note: idk where yall are shifting or what ur shiftibg for or if any of these will be helpful but personally i have 2 DRs. Diary of a wimpy kid (rodricks so damn foine😍🫶🏼) and a boarding school with a bunch of characters i like from diff DRs. The boarding school thing would be so fun. Like imagine going to get ice cream with Olaf, or going shopping with Cat Valentine, or skipping class with Sarah Lynn from Bojack Horseman… All in one DR!?!? Idk just seems fun to me. Ok thats enough fantasizing about that dr. TO THE THINGS TO SCRIPT!!

☆Script that nothing traumatic happens !! I saw sb talking about how scripting that you’re immune to bringing trauma back to ur cr doesn't make sense or work so js script out traumatic events?? Idk if that makes sense still tho, tell me if it does idk.

☆if you cook or bake script that cooking is easy for you and you dont make mistakes on accident. Like u dont burn food, dough isnt too sticky, nothing comes out the wrong texture, u dont over/underseason, etc

☆Script that ur hair always behaves omg!! I have curly hair and this is a NEED. Script that its healthy, shiny, desired length nd thickness, CANT GET TANGLED, doesnt get frizzy, etc.

☆Script a cool teacher character, trust me. I think it'd be so fun to have a nice cool (hot😍) teacher. Like that one guy on tiktok idk if anybody else has seen. The hot psych (maybe) professor, like that guy😍.

☆script that whenever u order food it gets done quickly, im not waitin no 45 mins for a pizza !!

✩clothes u order are always high quality, immune to getting stained, stretchy and fit well, etc. For the shien hoes...

☆script that ur desired resturants are near u. I wanna be getting some chicago pizza in my boarding school🤤

☆script short painless periods or get rid of them completely, script that its natural and healthy though ofc.

☆nice school. Clean luxury bathrooms, good lunch, good teachers, good field trips, rooms that are decorated well, etc.

☆script good intuition !!

☆script waterparks, malls, trampoline parks, stuff like that near you. You dont wanna get bored in ur dr ??

☆script naturally good hygiene. If ur super tired one morning and don't wanna shower then ur not gon stink all day!! And if u forget to brush ur teeth or wash ur ass or smth ur not gonna smell, it wont matter.

☆SCRIPT THAT EVERYONE HAS GOOD HYGIENE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD PLEASE‼️

!!SLIGHTLY NOT SO SFW SECTION!!

☆Never get caught doing less than legal stuff

☆dont get nic sick, green out, hungover, etc

☆age to buy stuff (🍺🍃💨) is lower. Its 21 for me, gotta lower that😉

☆“organisms“ are a million times stronger

☆“organisms“ come quicker

☆soundproof walls...yk if u need them for any reason...ion judge🤫

☆bed doesnt move or make noise...incase u need it yk...🤫

☆u taste and smell good, they taste and smell good. Script the taste and smell. Script it tastes like whatever food you’re craving at the time😉

OK THATS ALL FOR TD, YALL HAVE A GOOD DAY/NIGHT STAY SUPER FREAKY HAVE GREAT VAGINA ND HAPPY SHIFTING!!🥰

[t4tbedehopmar]

YEAH. i need to get back in the habit of saying hi to everyone once in a while but im always hit w the Scared for no reason. even tho ive talked to uu lime millions of times HABSBJS

anyways that sounds so ?? cool omg. do uu guys get cool villain outfits nd stuff :O ??????? i have no idea how pokemas works BUT YEAH also thats sucks . . . hopefully ur parents arent too strict when they come back and uu can stay up . . . a lil hehe >:] ( evil )

ALSO IM DOING GOOD !!! lots of good things have been happening so im just like >:D all the time ✨️ alsoalso if ur sleepy go ahead nd go to bed !!!!

NOOOOOOOO DW that happens to me too........ too scary to talk to the mutuals :c we have to keep trying tho. for the mutuals <33

AND YEAH IT IS COOL!!!!!!! the stories are always fun and the villains and other characters get outfits and stuff....... actually it's surprising how hyped i am considering one of the main characters in it is fucking rose (that's everything i'll say if i say anything else i'll start swearing in spanish and no one wants that fkshjdjs) and neither me/bede or marnie are there. but it's ok! boyfie is there so it's all ok <3 plus there's a second part coming in august so yeah >:3 and yeahhhh it does suck they're very strict w our sleeping hour...... no more evil bee arc sobs :c yk it's funny bc my dad knows i sometimes stay up until super late and yet he doesn't do anything abt it? like punish me or smth like that nope he just lets me be huh......

ALSO I'M GLAD UR DOING OK!!!!!!! ur so lucky lately nothing rlly interesting has happened to me :') ok actually that's a blatant lie but it feels like the only things i do here is go to the beach and eat dkdhdjsj 💔💔 ANS NO i have to be strong and stay awake..... at least a bit longer......... flops over and dies

[onlyjaeyun]

MAMAS i just read the update and oh lord oh lord how do u do it. no srsly how do u get me to swoon over jay EVEN more with every and each text i don’t get it 💔 cuz like that whole “i’ll never make you the other woman baby you’re the only woman” made me stare at my wall for a good 6 minutes just like 🧍‍♀️ woah. i literally fall in love deeper w each text like jongseong the man that you are. 🧎‍♀️ anywho just saw that one ask about jiwoong & history in human form POSSIBLY planning smth like evil witches 🤨? first of all pipe it down gargamel 😨 what’s all that about maam… 😕 cause like i trust jiwoong & all that and he said he wanted to be friends so what 💔 and to that bitch who’s still delusional on GOD you’re not gonna break them up apart bro ON GOD ON HEESEUNG DUDE ITS NAWWWTTT GONNA HAPPEN STOP BEING SO DELUSIONAL 🤣💯 jay already having everything planned out for the worst case scenario that is if his sperm donor DOES infact make him lose his position is just sO SEXY TO ME. like not only are u so fucking hot and respectful and sexy and beautiful and understanding and literally have a soul made from pure gold you’re also a business man a ceo a really fucking intelligent one and i’m like 🤭 literally twirling my hair 🤭🤭🤭 like id actually love that to happen for him to start his own business and surpass his dad’s and then marry yn and then they become THEE it couple of seoul like COME ON NOW 🙏🏼 anywho shiah im in your fucking walls bitch count your goddamn days cuz when i see you it’s on SIGHT 🤼‍♀️

anywho ! sending u lots of love & kisses zadie i hope you’re taking care of yourself <33

-⁉️

my goal with this smau is to make y'all fall in love with jay and never ever fall out again and im glad it seems to be working out 🫣😊😊😊😊 AND PLEASE NOT THE GARGAMEL THE WAY I CHUCKLED 😭😭😭😭 i literally love your asks so much they ALWAYS make me laugh and i feel like you portray everyone's genuine feelings about this fic way too well so thank you so much baby 🤒💞

and omg if i had the patience and time i'd actually add another plotline just for jay to actually build his own business but dont worry ive got smth similar planned nd know you guys will eat that up 🤭

thank you so much for these baby, always so grateful for every word i love you so much 🥺💞

[casualbluebirdmentality]

this post is literally just me ranting about my own gender experience/questioning as an afab person.

(despite all the cws and tws, it's really not that overwhelmingly negative-- moreso just yelling my confusion into the void lol. i'm just really paranoid abt accidentally ruining someone's day by not tagging smth, hence the literal max 30 tags.)

you can read it if you want but if not,, understandable lol. either way, enjoy this picture of a quokka that i got by googling "cute animal":

...ok.

figuring out ur gender as an afab person is so weird, cuz it's like:

am I uncomfortable w my tits (always have been) for Gender Reasons, or is it the societal conditioning that they're sex objects/will make ME be viewed as a sex object if they're "too noticeable"?

is the visceral discomfort that I've always had (literally since childhood) at even the THOUGHT of having a period a Gender Thing, or is it the societal taboo that makes it impossible to speak/think about it?

do I like the idea of being perceived as masc for Gender Reasons, or bc I know it will make people take me more seriously and make me less of a target for abuse/harassment?

do I feel like a boy in disguise/an imposter when surrounded by other women/in female spaces bc I actually am more masc in my actual gender, or because gender roles and their "boyish interests/presentation" and "girly interests/presentation" have been so ingrained in me that it feels like if I don't match up with That Exact Image of being a very femme woman, then clearly I'm just not a woman at all? (/s for that last phrase)

(A more specific/personalized addendum to that last one: I've got a sister and we both did a lot of performing arts stuff VERY frequently growing up, especially as a duo, and whenever the roles were a boy and girl (which wasn't most of the time but still happened fairly regularly), I'd always be the boy bc she was more femme than me & always wanted to be the girl, whereas i didn't really care-- so like, was that because I'm inherently more comfortable as a more masc person? Or did I just not care either way at the time cuz I was a damn kid just having fun playing a role, and now from years and years and YEARS of doing that I've just conditioned myself into thinking of myself as "the guy one" when paired with a woman/surrounded by women??????)

And THEN for me personally, you throw in the fact that both Nate/ND Stevenson (creator of the first show that ever made me feel Seen as a queer person, to the extent that it broke my brain a little) and Elliot Page (right after/while playing his Umbrella Academy character, who was the only "female" character I've EVER felt I could truly relate to in such a full, overwhelming extent for some reason I couldn't name, and whom my friends at the time literally said "had big [my name] energy," without having been told anything about my feelings at all) BOTH came out as transmasc. So it's like,, am i transmasc? All Signs Point To Yes, pretty much. And I distinctly prefer when my tits are squished firmly against my chest, which sounds a whole hell of a lot like chest dysphoria.

...Except that when I got a binder to try it out, threw a hoodie on over it, and looked in the mirror, it was just like,, weird. And a minute or so later when I caught my reflection in the mirror out the corner of my eye without thinking and my brain automatically perceived my chest as like, FLAT flat for the first time, it pretty much shouted "WRONG WRONG WRONG" and started clanging pots and pans until I took it off.

But, irl my nickname is a typically "male" short-hand (as in, someone reading it would assume it's a guy 99.9999% of the time) of my (feminine) name, and I much prefer it. So like I guess I'm just generically nonbinary... but I also really don't want to say that I'm not a woman? But that reluctance could just be reluctance at relinquishing what makes me "valuable" in society's eyes, or in accepting that I've "failed" to be what I was "supposed" to be. Or in losing my ability to "speak authentically" about things like sexism, even though I Know Full Well that that's not how that works, like, at all. So it's just... ????????????????????

The only thing I have been able to figure out is that I definitely want to be more buff and athletic, and definitely make my body at least a little more masc in that regard. So like, Buff Sword Lady definitely, at least. (I do quite enjoy swords. A lot.) So maybe I just want to be butch?

But I don't look like that yet, and it's so hard to figure this kind of thing out without actually being able to physically see yourself that way, without being able to actually feel it first-hand and compare. So I'm just, like, here, a fantasy writer doing muscle work-outs alone in my room every day, hoping that micro-dosing on jock culture will help me finally feel Right lmao.

[caruliaa]

deciding if i want my text post about my father for today becuase too many would be whiny to be about how i get very terrifed anytime he raises his voice and thats prob not normal (which i already knew but yk) or a snarky "how come my dads on discord i though that site just pushed and agenda and tricked people into thinking theyre gay? that why i wasnt allowed it right?"

[bixiaoshi]

yeah no. it still makes me kind of sad

[starglow-xx]

(About the brother!atsushi) aRE YOU READING MY MIND MISS?! Because that has been on my mind for MONTHS. TYSM For writing it was amazing!! If you don't mind, may I request (if requests are open) atsushi, still an older brother, but with a sister that's 10-13 yrs old? It's totally fine if you don't wanna do it. Keep up the good stories, ily mwuah!

*sobs* you’re so kind thank youu 🤧🤧

i wrote this a bit differently i hope that’s okay anon! at first i planned for this to be mainly abt atsushi and the reader, but i decided to add in relationship hcs with the agency bc i ran out of ideas

if you guys liked this don’t worry! im planning a special part two for this one so be the look out for it hehe

atsushi with a tween! sister

ft. the armed detective agency

like in my baby sister hcs, you’re still the most important thing to him period

the two of you got picked up by dazai and kunikida when he was 18 (obviously) and when you were 12

for a 12 year old, you were a bit small bc of malnourishment (which makes atsushi feel so bad) so both dazai and kunikida thought you were a bit younger than you actually were

they assumed you were about 9-10ish

you and atsushi both share a favorite food !! chazuke :)

so when kunikida treated the two of you, he made sure you got more bowls bc like i mentioned above, he feels really bad that you were malnourished and under weight

(don’t bring this up but kunikida felt bad too hehe)

when dazai went with your brother to the warehouse, you were with kunikida

imagine the surprise of the other ada members when kunikida came in with a little girl dressed in rags that popped out from behind him

kenji was the one who vocalized his thoughts 

“kunikida-san you have a daughter?! wow! i didn’t know that! :D”

when you found out your brother was a tiger, you were a bit concerned but you were actually kind of excited

you were even more excited when you found out the two of you were going to be taken in by the agency

anything was better than the stupid orphanage

and besides!

you got a tiger for an older brother and a bunch of other super powered agents to take care of you! who could want anything else?

at your age, you’re very impressionable and can be influenced easily so atsushi makes sure to teach you more in depth of good morals and the importance of kindness

his heart swells with pride and relief when he catches you being kind to others

pride bc he’s proud that even after all the two of you have gone through, you still ended up being a good kid and having a bright view of the world

and relief bc he hasn’t failed as a big brother

pfftt like he could ever fail

but please, from time to time reassure him that he’s perfect and the only big brother that you’d ever want bc he rlly needs that kind of validation

with his salary and savings, he tries to buy nice things for you

what a sweetheart 🥺

he saw you eyeing that one dress at a store window? fast forward abt a week and half and it’s inside a pretty gift bag for you

you wanted to try that dessert from the nice bakery? that’s dessert after dinner at one point

but other than buying you things, he sets money aside for you

like all the time

(y/n), here have this, you might need it”

“but nii-san you just gave me—”

“take it”

#1 spoiler

also your #1 confidant and source of physical affection

you tell him anything and everything (except crushies and those kinds of things)

atsushi loves it when you talk abt your day and he can see the big smile on your face and the sparkle in your eyes

it gives him the strength to keep going 😖😖

the two of you aren’t as touch starved as you’d probably think, but that’s only bc the two of you had each other

in your opinion, no one can match the hugs of your big brother

and it got even better bc YAYY he has tiger arms now ٩(◕‿◕)۶

if you ask, he’d carry you around too hehe

you also get nightmares quite often so he’ll always be there ready to calm you down, talk if you need to, and rock you back to sleep

god i love him 🤧🤧

atsushi will do everything in his power to protect you and make sure you get to grow up happy, supported, and loved

port mafia attack? oop he’s already taking you to the nearest escape route

someone is starting to harass you? they just got suckered punched into the next week

you want to go out to have some fun? he’ll go ask the president for a day off

you’re not feeling well? he’ll take another day off and take care of you

whatever you want to do, he’ll do it with you! (as long as it’s within reason)

will always be your #1 supporter! and he’s the president of your fan club hehe

he loves you so so much and will do anything for you; your life and happiness will always be more important to him

you are his reason to keep going

agency head canons !!

atsushi is your big brother, but kunikida is most definitely some sort of father figure

everyone can see it

except kunikida of course

kunikida scolds you lightly if he thinks your manners need work or if you make a mess in the agency

you listen to him of course and in turn as some sort of a reward, he’ll give you pieces of stationary

he always gives you the nice, good quality kind and you’re over the moon

atsushi adores it when you come running to him showing your new notebook or fountain pen and blabbering what you’re going to do with it

sometimes it isn’t even as a reward for being a good child; he’ll just give it to you and he’ll say smth like “i noticed you’ve used up your last notebook quite quickly, so here’s another one” or “did you run out of ink? here have this then”

he usually has a soft spot for children in general, but he most definitely has a soft spot (or a thousand) for you

yosano is kind of like a motherly figure to you

she gives you the guidance a mother should and goes on shopping trips with you!

atsushi always gets dragged along by you, but he thinks it’s worth it seeing you look so happy

yosano being a doctor also tries to teach the things you should know, or things that would be helpful to you

she’ll teach you the basics of cooking, sewing, how to treat a cold/fever, etc

also gives you excellent advice 1000% of the time

“remember (y/n)-chan if someone hurts you come tell me and then i’ll chop them into—”

“yOSANO-SENSEI DONT TELL HER THAT—”

fukuzawa is like a father to most in the agency but you see him more as a grandfather figure

bi weekly tea and gossip sessions hehe

along with cat talk!

most of the time though, it’s just you talking and him listening to you, but the two of you enjoy it nonetheless

“and then kunikida-san ended up crashing into a pole and dazai-san started to laugh at him and i did too because it was really funny but we ended up getting scolded—”

“hmm i see...”

he’ll let you stay in his office as he fills out paperwork; you’re usually doodling or drawing in your notebooks

sometimes he’ll meditate and you’ll join him, but 4/7 times you’d fall asleep

you always wake up with a blanket over you

dazai is like a cool but a highly concerning and kind of high maintenance uncle

frequently takes you out with him when he ditches work

walks in the park, eating at uzumaki so he has the excuse of treating you so he doesn’t have to pay his tab avoiding kunikida and sometimes chuuya and akutagawa, all that fun stuff

also tries to not talk abt suicide in front of you especially if it’s just the two of you alone

he knows that you mean the world to his pupil and that said pupil would probably hate him for putting suicide inside your brain

he teaches you random but useful things like how to pick a lock, how to steal kunikida’s notebook if you’re looking for some information, how to sweet talk your way out of things, etc.

is also the one to tell you that if you ever get a significant other to introduce them to the agency first

he always wants all of your gossip; some of them work pretty well for blackmail

“dazai-san! dazai-san! did you know that kunikida-san lost his glasses and he was looking for them for nearly an hour when he was just holding them the entire time??”

“woah really (y/n)-chan?! hey hey can you say it again into this recording device so kunikida-kun would believe me when i tell him—”

always ends up giving kunikida a heart attack when he says that you’ve been with him all day

ranpo is also like a cool but a highly concerning and kind of high maintenance uncle

will share some of his snacks, but don’t push it or you might not get anything at all

loves it when you compliment him

if you tagged along with him and your brother on a case, he will show off to impress you

“...and that’s how the crime happened”

“UWAHH RANPO-SAN YOU’RE SO COOL”

atsushi is lowkey and kunikida is highkey stressed that ranpo’s eating habits will rub off on you

“ne (y/n)-chan do you wanna try this highly caffeinated drink and this concerning amount of sugar filled snack?”

“can i really?!”

“rANPO-SAN NO—”

ranpo definitely does stuff like that on purpose 

the tanizakis are like siblings to you!

a weird set of siblings but siblings nonetheless

the two of them adore you and think you’re precious

atsushi definitely knows how to do your hair whether it’s long or short but he got even better at it when he asked the two

hehe braid trains are definitely a thing + kyouka and kenji (and maybe even dazai)

sometimes you have sibling swap days

you’re with junichiro for most of the day and atsushi is with naomi

strange i know

each of the tanizaki siblings try to make it fun bc they know that the two of you did not at all have a happy upbringing

junichiro likes spending time with you by taking you out to different places that naomi likes to frequent

like the mall, different stores and restaurants, the park, places like those

naomi does the same thing with atsushi so if you ever bump into them, you go out and eat together :)

besides atsushi, the next one in line who spoils you the most would be junichiro (and yosano & kunikida both coming in at a close third)

he honestly can’t help it; you remind him of how naomi was when she was younger

and besides

he’s always been a sucker when it came to the happiness of a little sister

“would you really buy this for me junichiro-san?!”

“of course! don’t worry about it” :)

wanna talk abt boys/girls/celebrity crushes things like that? naomi is your girl

you feel a bit embarrassed to go talking to yosano or your brother abt that and kyouka does not know a thing abt them either

“uwahh naomi-san look at all these people in this magazine! they look so good!”

“right?! but of course onii-sama is still the best—”

you get along with kenji and kyouka quite nicely being roughly the same age as them; they’re also like siblings!

just pure, wholesome vibes from the three of you

you’re over the moon when she finds out that kyouka is staying with you and your brother

atsushi is twice as happy seeing you talk your mouth off and finally having a girl around your age to talk to

“do you think demon snow can change how she looks?”

“hmm... im not sure...”

you and kenji talk abt anything and everything

he even teaches you how to take care of plants!

sometimes the two of you are kind of in the same boat bc you don’t know much abt yokohoma being stuck in the orphanage and kenji doesn’t know much abt cities in general

“wait where are we again kenji-san?”

“ah we’re close to the ports! but im not really sure how close because i don’t know what the symbols on this sign mean”

“don’t worry! neither do i!”

bonus things!

yosano was kind of too late teaching you abt you know what

“NII-SAN IM BLEEDING IN BETWEEN MY LEGS”

you’re sobbing in the agency’s bathroom and atsushi is panicking trying to get you to open the door

“Y/N?! H-HOLD ON LET ME GET YOSANO SENSEI”

ranpo overhears and cackles making everyone around him confused

suddenly atsushi bursts in the agency basically on the verge of tears rambling incoherent sentences abt the bathroom, you, and blood

it just clicked for everybody in the room

(im going to pretend that kenji has sisters back home so that atsushi is the only one who remain oblivious here hehe)

atsushi is genuinely confused and sort of concerned that no one is freaking out with him

yosano waves her hand saying smth like that she’d take care of it and junichiro pulls atsushi to the side to talk to him

fast forward like half and hour and dazai and ranpo are cackling on the looks of both of your faces

honestly not sure who’s more traumatized, you or your brother

“why does this have to happen” :(

“ne ne (y/n)-chan!~ you’re too young but at some point you’re not going to have it!”

“uwahh really dazai-san?” :D

“yeah! but first you have to have ANFK—”

next thing you know your ears are being covered by your brother and dazai is thrown across the room by kunikida

you know

the normal

you’re twelve and have never gone to school, but the agency takes care of that

it’s too dangerous to go to school so they teach you what’s necessary and whatever else they can

kunikida takes care of math (obviously)

yosano takes care of science/biology/anatomy/health (whatever you wanna call it)

ranpo even dragged poe to help you with english

atsushi even got lucy to help you out with english too!

as tanizaki and naomi used to be students, they give you their old work books and they try to teach you all the other subjects

sometimes kyouka and kenji are there learing with you too!

sorry if there’s some errors! i’ll read through it again later :)

and as always, reblogs and shares are appreciated! i hope you all stay safe! and just in case nobody told you they loved you today, i love you! you are enough! <3

writing belongs to me! please do not plagiarize! the reblog button is there for a reason

[udonthreens]

top 5 disco elysium moments i have never played the game but ithink you should explain it like i know everything already anyways

anon uve triggered my autism beam

these r vaguely ranked but also i. i dont promise coherency and if i thought abt it with more brain theyd be different.

5) ok this is the last one im writing and idk. theres so many good scenes and moments and nevermind. the chair. the fucking CHAIR and evrart. it took me 200hrs to see what happens when u PASS the composure check like. tbh failing this check is basically canon. slide down it like a jello shot. again like the megarich container guy this is one of those possible early moments of 'ou this games a fucking weird comedy' and i just. best way to assert dominance with the corrupt commie boss like 'what a great display of... idek what that was' and im pretty sure u lose a rep point with kim if u fail it too like. kim dont be mad this is just my interogattion technique im not giving the rcm a bad rep i promise kim

actually some honourable mentions: lamby, boardgames with kim, joyce pale convo, kim voice dilligent boy, THE CHURCH I DIDNT MENTION THE CHURCH i love doin the dance after gettin shot its so funny. love the rave kids. shivers voice theres a hole in my heart. the fucking 'lookin to score some d girl!' bit with kim & acele thats comedy gold actually. thats brilliant. i might just start listening everything. pinball with kim when u pass it im just like. kim why dyou sound so smitten . the piss and fuck jackets. actually i really like the whole bit with the working class woman that was Devasting. even more so when i realised u could actually tell her ud look for her husband ...... i liked the jamais vu viscal pleasure wheel bit after (i think that was added with the update? yes it was) altho i dont remember specifics just. his brain reconstructin smth as idk.. smth to make him feel better? felt bittersweet. i should go see that scene again.

ok ill fuckin wrap this up. 'are u... a really good detective?' great line and not a moment per say but. the fact that jean just. hangs around the whirling for several days in that fuckin wig like, obvs he doesnt move spots bcs its a video game (despite the edc lines showin that he does do other shit) cuz u need to know where to find him. but he just fuckin commits like. the character building from all this shit for whats technically a minor character. brilliant. doesnt HE have a fuckin job to do. also titus is always in the whirling for the same video game reason so like. yes. yes to that rarepair.

3) communist book club and the tower building that was soooooo cool not to mention the fuckin hilarity of readin bout inframaterialism for the first time nd going "???? is this pseudoscience in the game or can it ACTUALLY fucking happen like wtf"

2) karoke. pass over fail tbh limbic system KILLS it (and its more lyrical spoken word doesnt fit the song nd also i thot id actually hear harrys voice during that scene and we kinda did but like thats a different tangent) and kims support 'detective du bois... it was down right tragic' and the edc or concept check? concept i 5hink that was like 'to him that represented being an rcm member perfectly' like HELLO??? kim bestie its not 2 late for a career change. AND not to mention gartes reaction to it like... u really get the feeling that he Will get rid of the machine if harry fucks it up. however i do like the pass as well bcs a) harrys had enough cringe fail b) jeans deadbeat litany of 'yeah its shit it sucked awful' like. thats how he talks 2 harry when hes being NICE its so funny. het life partners <33

4) mega rich light bending guy. AGAIN the weiss thingymay coefficent where ur like 'is this an actual Thing or is harry just fuckin insane' nd also i crit succeeded on my first playthru real early on when i hadnt seen any of the wacky shit yet nd it just. the -2 if u have the artcop thought the fuckin ultralib shit . u get like 4 ultralib points at LEAST if u pass/fail the right concept check. god not to mention kim earnestly suggesting rcm reforms like kim bestie kim kim my bestfriend kim its not 2 late for a career change. also if u get the 100 real and kims like 'ur full of surprises most of them bad but some of them good' soooo true <33

1) salami man.

[kimnjss]

Why am I proud of how not creepy horny Hobi is? Like he's horny in the right way and he just kept the conversation flowing well. Idk what's wrong with me.

Anyway, this is why I need Jimin to stop with these over exaggerations about Yoongi because he's saying this shit, Taehyung is buying into it, and then he's still letting Yoongi pursue him. I can imagine Taehyung keeps thinking he'll drop Yoongi when Jimin clearly likes him or at least the attention and wants to play games.

Also I'm happy to see the realization happened relatively quickly. And that his friends weren't total dicks about it. Yoongi's advice was good, but also not good. Because telling her now would stop any weirdness that comes, but also this is just getting somewhere so it could topple everything. It would be best to tell before things can get really serious, but not before YN is more into him than she is now.

he's trying so hard to not be creepy ! bc when you boil it down ., what he's doing IS kinda creepy... but he doesn't want to be so he's trying to respect her ., but at the same time - he can't hide the fact that he wants her .

LMAOO pls ! not you blaming jimin 😭 yoongi do be flirting too much ! tae definitely took that as a sign that he wasn't going to keep on talking to him tho ., which probably made him feel like he was in the clear... but nah ., yoongi is here to stay ! right now it's a mixture of liking the attention nd actually liking the conversations that they have (bc we can't deny yoongi is everything) . nd taehyung hates to see it .

their group chat (just like yns) are always ready to tease each other ., but it's good that they can tell when it's time to be serious . which is why we got the kinda good advice from yoongi when normally he'd say smth stupid nd then just move on . but you're not wrong - it's a bit too early for that ., bc yes there is sexual attraction btwn them ., but that's just it . nd yn is definitely the type to pack up and go without a second thought . so hobi's timing has got to be perfect !

[thisdreamplace]

ashamed to say the 3D reflects our true inner reality, yes? my ENTIRE family has turned against me, after some atrocious conflicts in which they all ganged up on me nd judged me, name-calling, very hurtful things too, provoked me. i been dealing with some serious mental uh 'issues' on my own nd when this happend i was already on the verge of a breakdown nd the good news is while the conflict happened i kept telling myself theyre only reflecting me u can get thru it etc. Later i looked at the hard facts nd realised some of the hurtful things they said were my deep secret feelings abt myself. BUT my question is why the HELL cant they talk to me like normal people? confronting one person vs whole family, why?! i felt so small nd like an object, nd not a single person defended me. am i not a part of the family?

Part 2 is simply its been a week and theyve still been cold towards me as if I yelled AT THEM ABT THEIR PAINFUL 'tRuThS' in front of EVERYONE LMAOOO. At first if i was around we'd have dinner together while they'd all talk to each other like best friends aka sickeningly overly friendly while completely IGNORING me while i sat there. i could tolerate it. I WAS PISSED AT THEM TOO Now its too painful. They're having dinner without telling me, yesterday didnt leave enough food for me knowing i hadnt eaten, serve tea/snacks without my portion. i honestly feel so unspeakably trigered nd sad. worst is these things r reminding me of deep school memories when id feel excluded like this by other kids at parties or class activities nd its like im back there. anyway im glad i controled myself a bit nd didnt counter with horrid things abt them to THEM yet they think they can say the same to me. im so hurt rn i cant even tell u lol i was okay the whole week but now its too much,, ive been crying the whole day

thing is, ik this seems like 'im a victim oh noooo they ganged up on meee'. Nope its more like how do i change myself to change them?! u could say why not talk to them how they made u feel, except whenever ive defended myself in the past regarding hurtful things they/anyone in family did, the siblings/parents would say irritating things like: "oh so YOU'RE the one hurt? Oh thats right, its because YOU'RE right! yes, yes, you're always right. Forgive me for saying anything against the perfect person u are." Or one of them says: "You?! I hurt YOU? What about me? You don't care about me! So you think what ur doing is okay?" or "no, who do YOU think u are to tell ME what to do?" it just goes in circles like this! i dont deserve to hurt myself or do smth to myself even if they dont give a damn, even if years of silent suffering of the 'mEntAL pRoBlEms' (which my lovely parents have already told me is my fault years ago, hence why I NEVER show it to them, unless im crying too much then lol they just mock me, but idc abt THAT bcoz now ik i hav a right to let out my emotions)). i mean this is worse rjan usual. its kinda insane nd when guests come they start talking to me as if nothing's wrong then when they leave, they ignore me!

this whole twisted dynamics, feelijf left out nd helpless is ig some crazy assumptin from childhood of being alone nd unable to defend myself. plus when they argye with anyone, they become overly self-righteous nd over the years its clear they can only scream, blame the scapegoat and never talk abt serious matter like normal ppl. And yes, in the past when i bring this up, they like to reply with stuff like: "no YOU'RE the one who doesnt talk to US bla bla" like, when i do u just shut me down? have belittled my mental 'issues', mocked me when im at my worst, stabbed me with cruel silent treatments nd thinking its alright "bcoz of self-righteousness blegh". Or maybe i think its okay for them to punish me? or whatev? Like law says u get what u r. if these ~~~ keep doing this to me, im doubly ashamed to say this means im the one at fault?! i let this monster assunptin grow nd now idk what to do. the worst thing imo is how i failed to tell them,even if they ignored me in the past, how i feel when anything like this or a conflict happens nd none of them stand up for me, or at least are neutral to me. bcoz now if i do, they say nope, u dont care what we do, YOUR the shameless one :! so yeah they hav the advantage of 'numbwrs' while im too afraid to stand up for myself lol. btw they never apologize nd i suspect they expect ME to apologize to TYEM bcoz everything's already ruined bcoz of 'me'..... i give up on them, i really do, but my heart hurts. Either i harden my heart, nd save up to move out, OR i try to change my self or whatev assumptins i have. But how do i do that? i try afirming: "my familys so nice to me, im respected by them" but it feels so fake tears literally enter my eyes lol

firstly i want to say, thank you for coming here to vent and being open about your feelings. it’s so important sometimes to just let it all out, without holding back. so that way you can move forward more bravely, to create the life you truly want to experience. that being said, i am going to be completely honest with you here in hopes that perhaps it may inspire you and you will be ready to do what is needed for the life you truly want to experience.

“BUT my question is why the HELL cant they talk to me like normal people?” -> “i felt so small nd like an object, nd not a single person defended me. am i not a part of the family?” here is your question, and here is your answer. i think that being completely honest when venting your feelings can actually be so helpful, because if you read back what you have said, you will be able to clearly find the patterns that are creating your personal hell. FEELING IS THE SECRET. ASSUMPTIONS HARDEN INTO FACT. the true way you feel, becomes your experience. Feelings/assumptions/beliefs come first, and the experiences come second to confirm them. That’s all that’s happening here.

i am glad that you were able to keep your reactions to a minimum! that's wonderful and as many of us know, it can sometimes be hard to do in such hurtful circumstances. but you managed to do it, this shows just a small glimpse of the power you truly hold within. although emotionally you may feel out of control, there is still the choice to choose better for yourself which you demonstrated through your reaction to them. good for you!

the truth is, you acknowledge the victim mindset to seem like you’re not engulfed in it, but no, you’re still very clearly engulfed in it. as i have said before, you can’t be a VICTOR and feel bad about it. feeling bad about taking responsibility, about everyone is you pushed out, about any of these types of concepts automatically shows a victim mindset. talking to them won’t do anything, because there are no second causes. you could talk to them nicely, you could be the nicest person in the world. but you can’t pretend your way out of your inner world. your inner world is the one and only cause of your experiences. until you change the story you tell yourself, they will stay the same. this is a hard pill to swallow sometimes. and it can feel heavily, because it’s ultimately only you’re choice. they can’t change until you do. the heaviness of the situation may make it seem impossible to turn around, but that’s just an illusion. your emotional attachment to the situation makes it seem so real and hard to change, but no. that’s just an illusion too. however, it’s ultimately your choice. Do you want to take responsibility for your life, or do you want to keep being tossed around like your lost at sea, victim to the merciless angry waves? Because we always have a choice. No one chooses your inner world, you do. No one can go into your mind and decide things for you, that’s only your job.

you can harden your heart, but who would be the one who suffers more? It won’t be your family, i can assure you. it’ll only be you. by doing that, you keep that old story alive and therefore you keep experiencing it. you keep those stories alive that are desperately showing themselves to you, saying “LET US GO.” but you remain identified with those painful stories, so you grip onto them tight. you keep on thinking of possible reasons for their behavior, but you could just read your entire ask back to yourself and you’ll see every reason. your reactions, your beliefs about them, your emotional pain. its your refusal to let those things go, and focus on what you truly want that keeps you in this state and keeps them in this state. sure it’s painful to face the responsibility at first, but it’s not a blame game. thinking its about blame is just a misunderstanding of the teachings. it’s not about they’re so perfect and you’re so not, so you have to change your ways. it’s about this is how life works here. this is about... you can ONLY ever experience self. whatever is going on within, will be reflected in your outer world. it’s about how they can’t change, UNTIL YOU DO. so instead of feeling sorry for yourself, you have to decide to give yourself the gift of a wonderful life because you have that power too. you stop deciding they can be in control of your experience, and you decide your experience yourself.

to change your assumptions, stop trying to affirm over them and actually face what’s keeping you from believing in your desires. yeah, it’s going to be painful and uncomfortable. but you need to face the pain that you’re running away from, so that it can finally be released. you have to realize, it only stayed true because you believed it to be true. and if you are to live a life free from that story, and experience a more desirable story, then you must let the pain go. give yourself love and grace as you work through it, and know that there is a more beautiful side of life that awaits for you to accept it in.

No One To Change But Self

There is Nothing to Forgive

How to Sit with Your Triggers

give yourself the time you need, it's not race. the love that you wish to experience exists, allow it in. 💖

[queenangst]

How about a oneshot with touch starved midoriya? Maybe neglectful inko? Like the first positive touch he can remember is all might when he was 15, or aizawa or smth

for my 30 min fic challenge / read more: ‘30 min fics’ tag

a hand in the unfamiliar [read on AO3]

The apartment was quiet when Izuku got up, silencing his alarm with a quick tap on his phone. He sat on the edge of his bed for a moment, looking around his room. Early morning light was only just peering in, the sky still blue-grey. He knew it would brighten and change, but by that time Izuku would be long gone.

Mom never got up this early. He peered at the time. 5:43 AM.

He crept out of bed, keeping his slippers off so they wouldn’t make any sound, and then quickly got ready. Izuku hopped from the bathroom, toothbrush still in his mouth, when he heard his phone vibrate.

All Might 5:45 AM Hope you’re ready for training!

Everything in Izuku was suddenly and wonderfully awake. He’d set the alarms, circled the dates on the calendar, but… this was it. They’d already started training two weeks ago.

He still couldn’t believe he saw All Might almost every day.

Yet—Izuku felt like he’d never get used to this floating feeling. Every step down the hall, though cautious, also felt like he was hovering just a little off the floor. He grabbed an energy bar and the water bottle he’d filled last night, looking around the apartment and listening for the lack of sound that meant Mom was still sleeping.

He hadn’t told her about training yet.

Izuku wasn’t quite sure why. He began the jog down to the beach, the cool morning air greeting him. It was just nice to have a secret—though Izuku had kept plenty from her—that was really, genuinely, just for him. A little something that Izuku could keep in his heart and use as a shield for when the bullies or Kacchan got a little too mean, or when the teachers looked over their desks with those gazes that said you’ll never amount to anything.

But—All Might.

All Might was already waiting for him by the time Izuku came over the first slope of sand, grinning.

“Midoriya, my boy,” he said. He smiled. “You look happy.”

“Just excited to work hard!” Izuku cheered. He bowed. “Good morning, All Might.”

All Might chuckled. “Then good morning to you.”

The greeting sent warmth spreading through Izuku. Over the last two weeks he’d kept waiting for the other shoe to drop. Actually, a part of him still was.

One day Izuku would show up and the thick morning clouds would close in, and at the top of the slope All Might would stand, arms folded. In those nightmares All Might didn’t look like a hero, just a dark shadowy figure even though his silhouette was still recognizable.

He would say, I made the wrong choice. You can’t be a hero.

So far it hadn’t happened. Every day when Izuku woke up, he hoped it wouldn’t.  

“Where do you want to start first?” All Might asked.

Izuku bit his lip and surveyed the beach. His eyes landed on a small section of trash close to them, cluttered with objects of varying sizes.

“Here,” Izuku said, and All Might followed him.

They fell into a familiar rhythm as Izuku began his work. Usually first he worked on the smaller items, sort of like his warm-up, and lugged microwaves and broken fans, bits of litter and broken things up to All Might’s truck. All Might watched carefully.

It made Izuku nervous sometimes, how closely he watched. That was the point of being a mentor, Izuku supposed, and no way was Izuku ever going to tell All Might that it made Izuku a bit uncomfortable. The back of his neck prickled.

Still waiting. Still waiting for All Might to tell Izuku that he wasn’t good enough. Turn around and go back to your shitty excuse of an existence, worthless Deku. That sounded more like something Kacchan might say.

His foot caught on an exposed metal frame of sorts, and Izuku went flying. There was a loud clatter as he dropped the chair he’d been carrying, and Izuku landed in the sand, pain shooting up his arm despite the forgiving surface.

“Midoriya!”

Izuku sat up and spat sand out of his mouth, groaning. Usually training was hard enough that he always showered before heading to school anyway, but this was just gross, and he’d have to put up with being covered in sand for the rest of the session.

All Might crouched next to him. “Are you alright?”

Izuku looked up into a concerned face, and the words died in his throat. He tried to say yes, just a simple little word, but he couldn’t.

“...Midoriya?”

Izuku wiped at his face, though it only made more sand stick. He looked down at his hand, hissing.

The pressure eased.

“I’m-I’m okay, All Might,” he choked out.

When was the last time someone looked at Izuku like that? Not pitying the way strangers did when it got out that Izuku was Quirkless, not concerned in the way that people often thought Izuku couldn’t handle himself just because he couldn’t create explosions from his sweat or pull objects toward himself. Not the kind of help that was condescending, or to make themselves feel better.

All Might just looked like he cared.

“Your arm, is it alright?”

Izuku realized he was holding it. He turned his right arm around, testing, and felt only a bit of pain now that the initial impact was over.

“Um…”

“Here,” All Might said. He leaned in, hair swinging forward in Izuku’s face, and Izuku realized they were close. Before Izuku could react, All Might gently took Izuku’s arm, massive hand cradling his. “Let me see.”

“It’s—” Izuku squeaked.

All Might, muscle form or not, could probably snap Izuku’s arm like it was nothing more than a pencil. He bet the man could eat bullets for breakfast, even. But All Might’s touch was light, gentle, as he turned Izuku’s arm over.

“Might bruise,” All Might said.

“So-sorry,” Izuku said.

All Might startled. Their eyes met before Izuku dropped his gaze.

“Why are you sorry?” He dropped Izuku’s hand but then reached for Izuku’s shoulder, almost covering it. “I’m glad you’re alright. It was just an accident.”

Izuku chewed on the inside of his cheek so he didn’t answer right away.

Just an accident. Those words could mean many different things.

“I- I messed up.”

All Might chuckled. “You tripped, my boy. Nothing to be worried about. You know, I walk into doors all the time. It’s quite embarrassing.”

Izuku stopped being able to think, or to listen to what All Might was saying, because he was suddenly and overwhelmingly aware that All Might’s hand hadn't left his shoulder yet. It was a casual touch, but it felt so nice that Izuku wondered how long they could stay there. If they could.

At the same time, Izuku thought if they stayed there any longer, he might explode. His childhood hero, Izuku’s hero, was here in front of him.

“Ye-yeah,” he mumbled. “Thanks. Um-I-I think I should get back to work.”

All Might smiled and stood up, towering over Izuku. Then he held out a hand, and Izuku stared, dazed.

“Come on, then, you prince of nonsense,” All Might said. “What are you looking at me like that for?”

At home Izuku tended to skirt around Mom when she was too close—not because he was scared she would hurt him, because she would never—but because he was scared if she came too close she would see all his secrets. At school, no one ever touched him kindly—shoving, pushing, punching.

Kindness was a rarity. Kindness was what Izuku had to make himself because no one ever offered it to him.

All Might was offering.

Izuku took it, felt All Might’s firm and steady grasp on his hand as he was pulled to his feet. They held there for a moment, and then All Might ruffled Izuku’s hair.

“Let’s get back to work, then, huh?”

“Yeah,” Izuku said. He bent down and scooped up the stuff he’d dropped. “All… All Might? I’m glad we met.”    

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