#navy is our heir btw!

[tulipsimss]

Navy and Ocean aged up!

[themyskira]

Wonder Woman #32

i hate this comic so much i hate everything hatehatehahtehahtehtahtehate

Previously: Because Geoff Johns hates us, Diana has a secret twin brother and Darkseid has a sexy evil half-Amazon daughter called Grail. Grail is now murdering demigods and feeding their tasty life essence to Darkseid, who is a baby (Johns again). Grail has just murdered Hercules. Hercules’ lawyer, Hercule Poirot, has informed Diana that she is heir to his estate.

ah for fuck’s sake we’re one page in and already we’ve been saddled with the fucking Oddfellows, aka the shitty expies of Sameer, Charlie and the Chief from the Wonder Woman movie.

For those sensible enough not to read Tim Seeley’s Wonder Woman: Steve Trevor oneshot, the Oddfellows are a team of… mercenaries? I guess? …who do off-the-books work for ARGUS. Because Tim Seeley forgot that Rebirth Steve doesn’t work for ARGUS, I guess.

Sameer isn’t so bad -- he’s a former Moroccan intelligence agent who “speaks twenty-four languages and [is] a con man in every single one”. A reasocnable modernisation of Sameer from the movie.

Charlie is essentially the same as his movie counterpart — an ex-sniper who is, and I quote, the “steadiest hand in the business unless he’s having a panic attack, which is often, or not drinking, which isn’t”.  This worked in the context of the movie, where in the midst of a world war Steve had to assemble a team quickly and completely off the books, and where the character served to illustrate to both Diana and the audience the terrible trauma of war. It makes zero fucking sense in the context of a private contractor working for a clandestine government agency, because what worldly motivation would ARGUS have to hand dangerous and sensitive missions to a man with debilitating PTSD and alcoholism?

And the Chief? The Chief is just fucking bananas.  He’s a former Shadow Wolves operative who used his skills to help refugees and illegal immigrants past the border before he was caught, and joined ARGUS to commute his sentence, which is fine. Except… he’s also creepily into explosives? And he’s an amateur jewellery designer who makes truly hideous accessories? Which also explode? A fact which we (and Steve) discover only after the Oddfellows find themselves cornered, and the Chief tells Steve to shoot the gross necklace he gave him, and after the smoke clears, Steve is like, “is everything you’ve ever given me a potential bomb?” and the Chief answers, completely seriously, “Of course. Why make things that don’t explode? Boring.”

w h a t t h e f u c k.

But anyway, we’re talking about this shitty comic.

The Oddfellows are storming the Paris Catacombs, where I guess Diana is fighting Parademons? Don’t know when that happened; the last thing I remember Hercule Poirot was informing Diana that she was heir to Hercules’ estate. I actually just had to check back to the previous issue to make sure I wasn’t missing anything.

Charlie is drunk, of course. Alcoholism is hilarious, guys.

Steve and the bloke on his radio exposition back and forth about how the Oddfellows are here as Diana’s escorts, and Diana flew on ahead to fight Parademons. “Why?” asks the bloke on the radio.

Steve: “Dumb question. There was a battle awaiting her… and she’s a warrior.” urgh. fuuuuuuuck offffffff.

The gents catch up with Diana, and Charlie storms in singing The Bonnie Banks o’ Loch Lomond because we’re going full drunk Scottish stereotype here.

I need to talk about this terrible dialogue, because who the fuck speaks like this while they’re locked in a rapid-pace sword fight with multiple flying monsterbeings?

“I admit it isn’t easy fighting Darkseid’s Parademons in such a confined space, Steve.”

Cut to four hours earlier, and Diana and Steve are at ARGUS Central Command. A bloke named Doctor Peril, who’s either unfortunately named or a supervillain-in-waiting, asks Steve how it feels to be working with ARGUS again, because Robinson also didn’t get the memo that Rebirth Steve was never an ARGUS agent. Honest to god, between this and Grail/Jason and the bullshit with Circe in Trinity— what is the point of soft-rebooting Wonder Woman if the changes aren’t communicated to anybody else writing those characters?

Robinson highlights the stupidity of this by having Doctor Peril address Steve as Colonel Trevor, and Steve respond by telling him, “I’m Navy now, so for one thing — if you say my rank, it’s Master Chief.” I don’t know much about the military, so perhaps I’m just ill-informed, but why would a highly-ranked Air Force commissioned officer transfer to the Navy in an enlisted pay grade? That… seems strange and implausible, and probably should have been a sign to Robinson that something wasn’t right.

I also think Robinson’s promoted Steve a few pay grades — prior to this he’s been referred to as “Chief”. If he’s in the Navy, that would make him a Chief Petty Officer (Master Chief is the highest enlisted rank).

ugh, these shitty minutiae keep distracting me from the shitty story. Okay. Doctor Panic or whatever is studying Hercules’ desiccated corpse. Conveniently, the thing that killed him has left an energy marker unique to Apokolips, which ARGUS just happens to have been monitoring religiously since the last time Darkseid attacked. Diana immediately concludes that this is Grail’s work, then explains to us who Grail is because none of us bothered to read Darkseid War.

When you continually feel the need wall-of-text expositioning at your readers about stuff that when down in a different comic, you’re probably not onto a winning story.

(Also, good god this art is ugly.)

Doctor Pitfall interrupts their expositioning to inform them the Hercules wasn’t the first victim and oh fuck me what other Greek demigods has Robinson senselessly murdered as set dressing for this shitty story?

…a lot of them, apparently. He leads Diana and Steve into a curiously large morgue, where fifteen bodies are laid out on tables.

More exposition. Doctor Pissweak tells Diana that Hercules is the only one they’ve ID’d because ARGUS already had intel on him, and the Ancient Greece connection was what led them to Diana. Diana says that she has an appointment with the Poirot-lookalike lawyer. Gosh, it’s so refreshing to finally read a superhero comic where people talk about information management and appointments, this is just the kind of exciting escapism I come to DC for.

Sadly, this thrilling back-and-forth is interrupted, as a man with a distracting pornstache bursts in to declare that more convenient Apokalyptian energy has been detected in Paris. Steve takes Pornstache’s tablet and is able to immediately surmise that, yes, it’s denizens of Apokalips, but no, there’s no victim this time, they’re just shit-stirring. Yes, he can tell this all from the energy signature, obviously.

Back to the present, and we’re subjected to more excruciating flirtatious dialogue between Steve and Diana.

Steve: You know, Angel… a lesser man might feel threatened by how often you pull my fat our of the fire. Diana: Firstly, Steve, you’re not fat. Steve: Figure of speech, Angel, I just meant— Diana: And I’m sure you’ll save my back. You usually do.

Things that irritate me about this:

I get that it’s their thing, that “Angel” has been Steve’s nickname for Diana since the Marston era, but when he uses it in every second sentence, it stops being endearing and just becomes insufferable.

Steve having to explicitly flag that he is not the kind of man who feels threatened by a more powerful woman.

Steve interrupting Diana to explain a very obvious figure of speech.

Diana’s first reaction being to reassure Steve that he’s not fat.

this fucking art what the fuck are these proportions why is her tiara so huge

Anyway, then Charlie pops back into to be obnoxiously Scottish while Diana smashes some Parademons, and then the fight’s over and I still have no idea what it was actually about.

Diana and Steve realise they haven’t expositioned for a few pages, so they pause in the aftermath to remind the reader that Hercules and a bunch of other people are dead, and Grail is involved but they don’t know how or why, and hey, remember back before this ARGUS detour when Diana was talking to that Poirot chappie? The one who told her she’s the heir to Hercules’ estate? Since he has no conceivable connection to Grail or Apokalips, maybe he’ll know what’s going on! I’m pretty sure that makes sense!

Also, editing fail: “I’d be with him now, in fact, if not for ARGUS summons and then this.”

Cut to Oregon, where Diana and Poirot are being driven to Hercules’ house. Poirot sips tea and is posh. Diana is wearing a less attractive version of that one Cliff Chiang coat-with-tiara-as-a-headband ensemble, because this artist has no imagination.

And I know I’ve been snarking about this lawyer bloke being a Hercule Poirot lookalike, but the artists are so heavily photo-referencing David Suchet’s Poirot, it’s actually distracting.

They walk into Hercules’ house. Hercule Point asks Diana what’s wrong, why does she look sad? Of course, it’s an invitation for more exposition, and Diana explains to us that Hercules was her brother because she is a daughter of Zeus, who fathered many powerful demigods.

And just in case you think I’m being a little harsh on Sergio Devila’s artwork:

These are all supposed to be Diana’s face.

Then Poirot gives Diana a letter from Hercules, because if there’s one thing this comic needs at this stage, it’s more exposition.

To summarise: Blah blah you are a wonder. Blah blah shame for my past actions. Blah blah accidental typo because the editors of this book fucking suck. Blah blah self-exile. Blah blah worthy heir. btw, you have a twin brother called Jason who was raised by Glaucus, sucks that you’re finding out this way.

Diana interrupts the letter to explain the plot of Darkseid War some more. She says that she looked for this alleged “brother” but then she got distracted by her life. No, she literally says that.

Hercules concludes his letter by saying he now feels secrets are wrong and that truth is everything. Apparently he didn’t feel it that strongly, because he decided not to tell Diana the truth, and instead left it for her to discover in the very unlikely event that he died. He tells Diana he has left the coordinates of Jason’s location… embroidered in the pelt of the Nemean Lion, because I guess just writing it was too prosaic.

Cut to Diana and Poirot on the Aegean coast, where Diana. AGAIN. EXPOSITIONS ABOUT PREVIOUS COMICS. This has gone beyond a joke who the fuck is editing this comic what the fuck is this FUUUCCKING

…okay. Diana and Poirot make dull small talk, then set about finding Jason. Conveniently, the first local she ask immediately knows who she’s talking about and where he is. He and his crew are out fishing, she says, but they’ll be back this evening.

…ooooor Diana could just fly out to meet him, since after all her time is more important than his and who cares if she interrupts his work day?

OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE

i hate this comic i hate my life