#nasty wordies

[tossball-stick]

need to instantly consume all of rdr1 so i can get back to writing dubious yaoi. my ao3 account is so pitiful. maybe ill scribble a millsoto one shot....... ive always been too comfortable writing them... haha...... its not like i memorized all their base game interactions.. or anything..... as a kid...

[toutvatoujoursbien]

A (relatively new-ish) fan’s perspective on Luke Newton

(I wrote my very first Tumblr post last month and now I think I’ve chosen the path of essayist/suffering. I’ve also been writing this on and off for four weeks because it seems like every other day, something new pops up or the fandom has a meltdown of some kind. I’m not even sure if it’s worth posting, but I think, like my first one, I needed to get this out of my system in order to TRY and return to being a normal person - which is still unlikely because Lukola has me in a chokehold. NOTE: I finished the majority of this on July 19, before all the weird-ass stuff happened over the weekend, and haven’t had the chance to post until now. Anyway, this is going to be long, full of ramblings that are hopefully organized in a cohesive manner, and all opinions and observations are my own. I have a lot of thoughts and feelings, okay?)

I’ve really struggled to understand why the whole Bridgerton S3 and Luke Newton PR stunt has embedded itself into my brain the way it has. Like, how could the actions of someone I don’t know still be lingering in my thoughts even now, weeks later? After my first post, I realized that there was more to the entire LN situation than I was previously unaware of - so I started digging. None of this information is hidden or secret, it was publicly available and therefore the fans picked up on it quickly. But I, personally, DID NOT KNOW ANY OF IT, going into S3, and I think that’s why everything has hit me like a ton of bricks. So I thought, surely I’m not the only new(ish) fan who has suffered from this emotional and mental whiplash? 

I really, really, really loved Luke’s portrayal of Colin and I’ve thoroughly enjoyed watching all the interviews and behind-the-scenes from S3. I would also love to continue to support him as he builds his acting career. However, I didn’t have a full picture, which unfortunately includes a history of making - what I think are - poor and questionable decisions in his personal life that he also allowed to bleed into his professional one. And that’s how I find myself struggling with the dichotomy of everything I’ve seen him do during Bridgerton promo vs. lots of other actions he’s taken. So let’s talk about it, okay? (Importantly, I reserve the right to update my current opinions as more information comes to light.)

I want it to be clear that I am in no way hating on Luke. Part of my struggle with writing this post has been because I don’t want this to be misconstrued as more hate being thrown his way. That is not my intention, at all. Seeing “fans” over the past few weeks absolutely rip into him on social media has been heartbreaking and deeply unsettling. This type of behavior is ugly and nasty and no one should be subjected to it. Full stop. As others have said: it’s okay to have thoughts and criticisms (criticism ≠ hate), but please keep it to the appropriate corners of the Internet. I think you can admire/support a famous person, but you should also be able to call them out on their conduct, particularly the stuff that happens in public. Blind love/following and putting people on pedestals is never going to allow any room for reflection and/or growth. I think there is a LOT of nuance in the whole discussion around him, his past actions, his handling of things now, and what’s in store for the future.

Okay, deep breaths & continue after the cut (because this got… wordy).

Some brief background on how I got here: As noted previously, I’ve been a longtime fan of both Polin and Bridgerton, first with the book series and then with the tv show. But, for whatever reason, I never even thought about jumping into the fandom until earlier this year, in anticipation of Season 3. I will say that I have been delighted with Nicola and Luke and their work as Polin from the start, but with the nature of the show being what it is, I just didn’t pay as much attention until it was their turn to lead. I watched some behind the scenes and promos occasionally, but not consistently. It wasn’t until around the February/Valentine’s event that I started to take notice and then I fell down the rabbit hole in April (literally, figuratively, and spiritually ���). I say all this to illustrate that up until the spring, I was part of the General Audience, though admittedly with a bias towards viewing Bridgerton favorably.  Another factor is that I got most of my fandom content from Twitter (again, I’m never going to call it X), with the occasional peek into Instagram and Tumblr. Yes, Twitter is a hellscape. But I am also lazy and only have so much time to scroll online. And since everything seems to get cross-posted everywhere, it was easiest for me to keep mostly to one social media site to consume all my Bridgerton content. But I point this out because I now see this as an error on my part. Why? Because I wasn’t getting a well-rounded picture of the situation around L, N and S3. Remember my own self-admitted social media bubble? Sigh. The fast pace of tweets meant I could blink-and-miss something on Twitter, unless it trended (or really riled the fans up). It’s a breeding ground for the hyperbolic and for discourse, in general. Twitter also seems to be divided into the Luke Haters (let’s be real, most of their “reasoning” is just uncalled for, vile hate) and the Luke Apologists (who have the tendency to exhibit, imo, some gross-excuse-all-his-behaviors-he-never-does-anything-wrong rhetoric). So it wasn’t until I started noticing chatter of Luke’s past actions that it prompted me to start looking deeper into what others have witnessed and noted online, particularly on this platform. Again, it wasn’t like I was trying to find some sort of hush-hush subject matter. Instead, I rather got the impression that those established in the fandom had a sort of unspoken agreement to keep these discussions to DMs and group chats - mostly as to not detract from Polin’s upcoming season. (But seriously, great of y’all to keep it locked down, however it would have really helped a girl out all the times I was like, “why is everyone so mad?” 🤣) And a lot of things started clicking into place once I knew more of the details. So I’ve put together a list of high-level topics/points that I didn’t know before, being relatively new to the fandom. Perhaps this can help other fans who are trying to wrap their heads around the various discussions occurring now and may feel clueless.

One more thing, HUGE shout-out to @jack4132cf for giving me a concise timeline of… well, everything I apparently missed last year+ when I wasn’t part of the fandom 😆🙌🏼 They’ve really helped me fill in the blanks (of which I had many)! Also, darcytaylor has a great 3-part deep dive, and I’ve read (and backtracked) through most of herejusttosufferalong and allsortsofthingsmpov ’s blogs, among others. They’ve provided a place for differing opinions and perspectives to be voiced in a respectful manner (unless you’re a troll, in which any clap-back is justified). I may not agree with everyone’s take, but I firmly believe that hearing views from others has helped shape my own thought process.

Let’s begin, shall we?

The Hot Fuck Boy Summer™️ (which I’m trademarking as HFBS)

Bridgerton S3 wrapped up filming in March 2023 and then Luke starred in the play The Shape of Things, which was in production from around May-July 2023. At some point prior to all this, Luke and his previous gf broke up - this is reported on by several media outlets in March, as well as “news” that he joined the dating app Raya. This is where, I think, his questionable behavior starts to raise eyebrows. It’s not the fact that he’s dating - I feel like fans gave him a pass since he just ended a long-term relationship (Enter the mentality some had of “let him have his hot boy summer!”). No, I think the issue is that he was not at all private or discreet about it. 

Remember when I said I think he let choices in his personal life bleed over into his professional one? Yeah, there were multiple glaring examples happening in real time last year, and the fandom took notice. He started publicly following certain users on IG and liking their posts, (unfortunately) many of whom were young, female models and dancers, under the age of 23. He (foolishly) followed his private account on his public profile, and then tried to backpedal. He engaged with some online flirtations that didn’t sit well with the fans (cough, E. Bear, cough), and then tried to backpedal. Mind you, all of this occurred and at some point later on, it’s then also decided that he’s going to move (aka, clean up) his social media presence to be more work-related. My point is:

Luke was digitally messy and left a trail (several, really). 

In conjunction with the HFBS, we also have:

& That Friend Group

Ah yes, the “boys.” Look, clearly I don’t know his friend group in real life, so all I can speak on is the image they give off based on their public social media accounts. And I, personally, am very unimpressed with what they’ve chosen to share with the world. My general perception is that L’s group of friends love to have a good time and show it off; seem to have an large amount of influence over him, particularly R; and can been seen as reaping the benefits of his success. He has discussed before how he likes to be generous with his friend group. During HFBS, they posted all about their vacations, on public accounts, and tagged Luke in them. They posted thirst trap photos and tagged Luke in them. They took quite a few boat trips and, once again, tagged Luke in them. Are we sensing a pattern here?

His friend group was also digitally messy and left trails.

I am in no way saying his friends aren’t allowed to post whatever they want on their accounts. It’s totally within their rights to have a good time and capture it on their pages, and I completely understand the desire to only show the “memorable” and “fun” stuff on social media. I just think it was short-sighted to NOT consider that Luke’s fans would be interested in seeing what he was up to with his friends - and you know that people will always, always dig around on the Internet. Maybe this was some kind of fun game to them? Maybe they enjoyed the attention? Maybe they didn’t think it was that big a deal? Who knows? But I think, in hindsight, it would have been safer and smarter to not have all this documented and out in the open, imo. 

My other understanding is that around the time the break up was “officially announced,” Luke’s ex began dating someone who was 22/23 at the time. His childhood friend R also ended a relationship last year and began dating a young woman around 22/23. Do I think R may have encouraged Luke in a certain direction dating-wise, especially considering that A was/is a friend of S, R’s new gf? Do I wonder if this was all to get back at J for starting a relationship with a new young thing, too? It seems likely, but of course this is all conjecture on my part. This is giving “high school drama” vibes, being played out in public, which is very, very  unfortunate.

However, Luke was ultimately the person who did not ask his friends to refrain from posting him on social media, as well as publicly following young women on socials and not being very discreet about his dating life, which is what raises my eyebrows…

The Age Gap Thing

Let’s just address this here and now. Remember, these are my opinions, each individual is entitled to their own, and I hope everyone takes a moment to really think and evaluate how they feel about the matter! I’m going to be very transparent and upfront about this:

I do not like the age gap between L and many of the young women he was showing interest in last year.

I’m viewing this from the lens of someone who is an elder Millennial and female. For me, personally, my dislike has more to do with: 1) A's age when they started dating/the age she is now (22/23); but more specifically 2) the power dynamics at play. 

I don’t have a problem with age gaps overall, because I believe that love can find us at many stages in life. However, I’m also of the opinion that a person 30+ should not be dating a someone in their early 20s. I’m not going to use the whole “the brain hasn’t been fully developed” argument, though valid. My issue has more to do with where an individual is in terms of life experience, emotional and overall maturity, and (this ties in with #2) financial stability within age gaps. In general, I find, say, a 45-year-old dating a 37-year-old to be on more even footing, which becomes even more so as you age. But a 22-year-old, presumably fresh out of college/university and about to embark on their next steps into adulthood, is just not in a position to date someone in their 30s. To me, your early 20s are the time for you to gain all the things I mentioned above (life experience, maturity, financial stability that is independently your own) as well as make plenty of mistakes. And that’s not to say any of that stops once you hit 30, or beyond! I know I’m constantly evolving and learning more about myself and my place in the world as each year passes.

My deeper discomfort comes from the inherent power dynamics and power imbalance between L/A. Of course L has lot more of the power in terms of money, resources and status; they are not equal partners. This article here (https://jill.substack.com/p/the-problem-with-men-who-date-much) illustrates these points much better than I can; I think it’s worth the read. 

Is he allowed to date whomever he so chooses? Yes. Are people allowed to feel the ick with the current choice/choices he made last year? Also yes. Does it entitle anyone to post nasty comments on his social media? Absolutely not. I may not personally like his choice, but it’s ultimately his to make. 

NOTE: I also want to address right here that, to me, his behavior isn’t “predatory” or whatever twisted narrative some folks are trying to push. Honestly, I think he’s gone the complete opposite direction from the type of women his ex and N are because it might be less complex/more simple both in terms of emotions and permanence. But obviously, pure speculation on my part. 

Antagonistic A

At some point during HFBS, L meets A and she becomes a part of That Friend Group. During Fall 2023, there are many trips to Soho Farmhouse and other posts made to R/S/A’s social media accounts. A in particular made quite a few posts that could be interpreted as her wanting to show she was with L, but never actually including him fully (these are the arms/legs photos that fans talk about and side-eye). Some of these types of posts have since been conveniently deleted. L and That Friend Group celebrate NYE24 at Soho Farmhouse, where everyone but him share photos and videos. On Jan 2, a photo of L and A kissing was circulated on social media -  they got caught in the video of the band playing. Also at the beginning of this year, A - for whatever fucking reason - started tagging along on various work trips and had a tendency to post TikTok’s from various hotel bathrooms. Again, insinuating that she’s with L but not outright showing it. 

The “InStyle stunt” - end of March/early April, there is a trip to Los Angeles which A posted stories and photos on IG. It’s later revealed that L was going to be featured in InStyle Magazine’s “This Guy” series, which included an interview, video and photoshoot, as well as an IG post that consisted of several polaroid, “boyfriend-style” pictures. The Instyle polariods were released three weeks after A’s posts, and let’s just say that A’s are a little too on the nose to be coincidence (also cue more hand/leg reveals…) Please note, again, that some of these photos on A’s account have been conveniently deleted/removed.

These are only a few examples of how… messy this all is and how it can be viewed as her antagonizing the fans. There is a lot of back and forth debate between “just leave her alone, she’s allowed to post what she wants” against “she’s clearly using social media to taunt the fandom/get attention/chase clout/etc.” When I finally learned about all the social media games being played, I just felt really unsettled for a few reasons.

Luke has stated that he wishes to keep his private life more private (see: social media clean-up from last fall). But, and this is my big issue here, A and That Friend Group don’t seem to WANT to be private. So to me, that can push people to question how much does he know what’s actually going on (he admits to not being online much) and, more importantly, how complicit is he with all of their postings? I personally feel like the narrative being pushed by his friends is very self-serving, and doesn’t seem like it’s in L’s best interest or protecting his privacy. Because I think we all know and understand that if a celebrity wants to keep certain things private, they have the money and resources to do so - some good examples that come to mind are Ryan Gosling and Eva Mendes, Benedict Cumberbatch, Dolly Parton, and our girl Nicola herself.

A has made it a pattern to post shortly after either Nicola or the main Bridgerton account posts something, usually on IG or TT; there is timely evidence of this. So much so that the fandom jokes about how obsessed she must be with N. And these posts don’t really have much substance - other than to show off her body or her latest vacation. It just all comes off as very insecure and seeking attention, whether it’s from L or from the public in general. Again, why do we feel the need to play social media games? But this does not mean she deserves hateful comments either. I personally don’t care for her or her actions, but as an older female, I also can’t help but be saddened by the fact that she’s making many, many poor choices in a very public forum. I can’t help but wonder if she’s going to have regrets later on when/if she reflects back on this time. 

The PR Stunt/Papgate

This has been dissected by the fandom to death and there are a plethora of theories on who exactly was responsible for calling the paparazzi, who knew what was actually going to happen, WHY did this occur, and how much did this impact the season and the press tour overall. It’s enough to make anyone’s head spin - hell, I’ve changed my opinion at least a dozen times over the past several weeks. Regardless, the thing that aggravates me the most about the whole thing is the absolutely terrible and suspicious timing of it. As stated in my previous post: Here’s my point: I think what should have been a moment of triumph and a joyous occasion for Nic, Luke, and Bridgerton season 3, was sadly overshadowed by the aforementioned shitstorm. And that’s a damn shame. Too many cast and crew put in a lot of time, effort, and blood sweat and tears, to pull this all together.

I’m still personally stuck on a few things: 1) How did paps know when L was leaving the official after party? Additionally, how did they know which hotel L was going to for his after-after party? Because that’s where we got the super awkward handhold attempt photos. 2) Did L know about the first location but not the second one - which ties into was this an attempt by his PR team to distance himself from Bridgerton and Nicola now that promo was almost done? Because the way he looks from location 1 to 2 is vastly different. 3) If paps were there, why was literally NO ONE else from the cast also photographed??? 4) Why has DM double (and tripled) down over the past few weeks on how she got those exclusive photos in the first place? And 5) Who ultimately has benefited the most from this whole PR stunt 🤔??? (Because I sure as hell don’t think it’s Luke…)

The Cinnamon Roll vs The Bad Boy

Luke has stated in several interviews that he’s interested in going for edgier, darker roles. I think that’s great that he wants to try something new and diversify; I would love to see him in whichever type of role interests him! However, he’s also spent 4-5 years playing Colin, a character that is quirky, kind and lovable (much more so on the show, thanks to Luke’s portrayal) and known for being the ultimate “wife guy” amongst the fandom. It’s also been mentioned time and time again that Luke is most like his character (by Luke himself and his Bridgerton cast mates). Nic speaks so highly of him, and the way he presented himself during the 6 months of press was really wonderful; I think he has a deep understanding and love for his role, and he was a genuinely supportive partner to his co-lead during filming. Think golden retriever energy - which is NOT a bad thing, at all!

If there is any truth to the PR stunt being organized by his team (and I’m in no way saying this is fact) as a way to differentiate/disassociate him from Bridgerton/Nicola, then I think this was a miscalculation on their part. We know that Luke did a lot of editorial photoshoots during the promo tour; and looking at the pictures now, it seems like there was definitely a narrative/aesthetic that was trying to be pushed of a more intense, moody and provocative L. Which is also fine! I don’t think he must be one personality or the other; humans are multi-faceted and complex, it’s what makes us so interesting.

The (Ongoing) Fallout

This is really difficult to write about because, honestly, I feel like we’re still witnessing it happening in real time, bit by agonizing bit. What we do know is that at this moment, he hasn’t announced any new projects other than returning for Bridgerton Season 4. He hasn’t announced any major brand deals and we don’t know what his next steps are career-wise. Which is completely baffling to me because I would think he and his team would want to capitalize on the momentum of a very successful season of a Netflix/Shondaland production. However, this is his life and his job, so until he comes forward with literally anything to say (a statement, an announcement, hell, he hasn’t even publicly claimed to have a gf FFS), then everything else is just noise and speculation. As much as I hope he’s not taking another HFBS, I also wouldn’t blame him for wanting to step away from the spotlight. He’s been unfairly dragged and smeared since the Part 2 premiere. Do I think he and his team/friend group have made a some missteps along the way? Yes, but again, no one deserves the nasty comments and vitriol that has been flung his way. 

So How Do We Move Forward?

I keep thinking back to the adage: When someone shows you who they are, believe them.*

And isn’t this the root of my (and perhaps others’) struggle? Because it’s been really difficult to reconcile someone Nicola calls “a true gentleman, the kindest friend, a dream costar” with a man who seemingly (?) goes along with pap walks, Instagram subterfuge, and appears to be distancing himself from the very project and costars that helped propel him into the leading man spotlight. For me personally, I go back to my point that people are multi-faceted and deeply complex. I think Luke can be all of those things; I also think he might be struggling right now to figure out who he is and what he wants next after being scrutinized so heavily.

Also from my first post: We have to remember, though, that what we’re shown is only a fraction of their true selves, carefully and deliberately curated to accommodate their status as actors/celebrities/those in the public eye. 

I choose to believe that we saw glimpses of the real Luke throughout the press tour. (ColinBridgey is a rockstar and compiled everything into a master list for our enjoyment!) I choose to believe Nicola knows Luke a hell of a lot better than almost everyone else yapping in this conversation. I choose to believe that his anxiety and quietness could be perceived as standoffish, and unfortunately he wasn’t able to shine as much as Nicola during the press tour, but they are a team and have each other’s backs - there is genuine love there, after all. I choose to believe that social media posting and likes are not indicative of the actual friendship and relationship between L and N. I would love to see him post more, or be more vocal in publicly thanking Bridgerton and Nicola - however, I realize those are expectations I have/desire and he does not owe me anything. 

I choose to believe that despite the mistakes and missteps, he’s a decent human being who deserves to live his life on his own terms and at his own speed. I really, really hope that whenever he announces his next project, I can be joyful and supportive. There’s a lot of talk about giving him grace, which I agree with. I cannot imagine, nor do I desire to be in the public eye this way; it’s easy for us and others to feel entitled to say things behind our screens and keyboards, but these are real, actual people with lives and feelings.

I do think that it is for the best interest of the fandom to try and ignore A and That Friend Group (and DM) as much as possible. And I will be the first to admit that it is really fucking hard to do so. Like I’ve said before, I try to ignore toxicity and hate, but I am also human and therefore imperfect and capable of pettiness. There is just something about this situation (probably how much Lukola captivated me and how much disdain I have for his friend group) that makes me watch everything play out like it’s a train on fire, careening towards an unfinished bridge, over a ravine. Sometimes I feel bad because I wonder if I’m adding to the entire spectacle with my continued interest. But then I remember that I specifically keep it to this corner of the internet, and I’ve found a nice little community where we can gossip and discuss and dissect it all.

If you’ve made it to the end, thank you. This is just everything I’ve been ruminating over the past month, put into word vomit form. I would looove to hear your thoughts and takes on everything/anything discussed above. Maybe you have a different perspective or noticed something that I missed.

*Fun fact: In my research, I learned that this saying comes from Maya Angelou’s “A Song Flung Up to Heaven” and is actually "Believe people when they tell you who they are. They know themselves better than you.” The more well-known version comes out of an Oprah Winfrey interview with Angelou in 1997, where they were discussing life lessons. Okay, I’ll stop being a nerd now.

[huntershowl]

Positivity hour! Tell us about your favourite RP partner and your favourite thread! <3

OOH! i love positivity hour! cut for length because WORDY BITCH DISEASE STRIKES AGAIN APPARENTLY!

i don't think i could pin down just one favorite because i'm so incredibly lucky to have so many amazing partners during this sephblog golden age. this is only a few of the ppl who have touched my presence here and live in my brain rent free rn, i wish i could remember all of them but a shortlist will have to do o7

i will shoutout @harerazor and @tewwor for being my OGs, my rp besties, the truest mfs who always stick around through my year-long (sometimes years-long) absences and whenever i come back to discord or the dash, it's like we never left <3 AND for following me into my hyperfixation zones omg. writing windbreaker and jjk muses would be so much more lonely without u two in my life. <3

on the topic of OGs, @spiritcrown, @never-surrender and @bcdomens are the CREW!!!!!!!! THE FIRST PPL I EVER WROTE WITH AND SOME OF MY FAV FOLKS ON THIS HELLSITE you guys are the best. ily. connecting with u guys again felt like coming home.

@favorskill has ascended past the title of rp partner and into the title of friend. rio is one of my favorite people ever, genuinely, he's so cool and so skilled with writing/worldbuilding/watching his DICE MAKING SKILLS GROW has been so amazing too??? i care u so much rio. biting u. even when my brain is hopelessly deep in the fixation hole i am thinking about u and ur muses always <3

also shoutout to my wife @vsagis / @theixth (bc ik uve been on this one today) for just being like??? overall such a lovely person and an amazing writer??? our main dynamic is so deep and expansive we're starting to develop an extended universe for them. i love them i LOVE THEM TO DEATH. alex u match my freak ily i hope i get this job so we can hang out irl <3

speaking of matching my freak, @koseigu and i get along like a house on fire, and i don't think the world is truly ready for us. the more dynamics we develop, the more dangerous we become. everything we do with geto & sephsho ROCKS and i am terrified (excited) to see where seph and sukuna lead us in our newest explorations. we get up to some absolutely nasty (hot) shit with our creatures and it's always an amazing time. hehe

@chaoslulled hol you are so so so special to me. i owe u so many things and im so sorry omg but i literally never stop thinking about our threads & dynamics they're soooo good. i think you're one of the only partners i've actually been able to maintain Main Threads with over a long period of time?? there's something about the way we write together that makes that actually work in my brain which is super unusual JSDKJDHJKD i'm not complaining though, i love it so much. also your ocs are spinning around in my head on a daily basis, especially char because seph, chiaki and geto all like her very much. <3 ALSO. U ARE THE REASON I WRITE GETO. I HATE IT HERE HE WON'T LEAVE ME ALONE HOW COULD U DO THIS TO ME (affectionate). ur satoru is always the one he and seph come back to first because he is the original.

@quillheel and i have been mutuals for a while but didn't start regularly chatting until recently, and geto has been keeping me hostage in our 1x1 server over the last week or so, it's a problem, please help me. please. my crops are dying. also ur my current record breaker on "most fucked up start to an rp dynamic" with sukuna and rusa and im gonna be real i think u might hold that title for a while KJSDHIUSDHSJDHSJKDHJSKDH

@hinodae gray i think i would follow u to the ends of the earth. our little accidental threads have been some of my favorites ever, and i love to PIECES every one of our ship dynamics so far. thank u for being just as much of a slut for ships as i am, i feel like we match each other's energy and vibe so well!! TUMBLR BETTER UN-SHADOWBAN U SOON OR IM GONNA THROW HANDS >:'O

@eraserisms and @rcguish u two are like a package deal in my brain. D.A., the fact that we exist on the same chef wavelength always makes me so happy. i love seph and shota so much, they make me Hurt in all the best ways and i'm lookin forward to getting more into todoroki's voice so we can keep building out shota becoming his dad i mean mentoring him! and rys!!! i know ur absolutely going thru it rn so we haven't been talking as much lately, but i'm still just as feral for our dynamics as ever. seph and shouta's broken friendship. shou and orion's blossoming romance. seph has so many feelings and thoughts about silver that i don't even know how to articulate but that might need its own separate post. blowing u kisses.

lastly but not leastly, @gomannakami we only connected recently but we've already got this absolutely TRAGIC AND BEAUTIFUL set of pairings going on. satoru and chiaki are so stupidly cute and so so sad. seph and suguru are still in the beginning stages but i LOVE writing them sort of dancing around each other, the mutual pining is so spicy and delicious.

AS FOR THREADS!!!!!

ooh. hm. fuck. i think my first thought is always gonna be my longer-running threads with @chaoslulled — the one that stands out the most in my mind rn is the thread where satoru found seph on the brink of collapse after a hellhound kill. it was only the second thread we ever wrote together, and i ACUTELY remember how nervous i was that it was too intense and i was gonna scare hol away with it because that's happened so many times before. SJDHKSJHD

another one that comes to mind is one of my first threads with @tewwor's litho, which started with the simple inbox prompt "can't sleep?" and ended up turning into one of our longest threads to date and spiraling out into the longest fucking slowburn of this blog's career. i loved it. i'll never stop thinking about that apple.

[aprilthebiqueen]

Been off Tumblr for awhile. Glad to see you aren't pretending to be gay and ace anymore 😊

I don't understand why you come to my blog just to send nasty asks?

I was never "pretending" to be gay. I am ace - and for most of my life thought I was completely gay until I met my now husband. It's a bit wordy for a URL, but Apriltheasexualbiromanticqueen doesn't quite work...

It's really telling about you as a person honestly. I post about how I'm having a really bad, emotional day and you take the time to send hate. I really hope you heal from whatever is hurting you, or making you feel better to lash out at strangers on the internet.

[solomons-poison]

maybe obey me?

heartbreak angst?? “your leaving arent you” sorry if im being vague..

Heartbreak

A/N: You're totally fine with your request! I just want to make sure you get what you were looking for :) This is my first time writing angst without comfort, and tbh I haven't even really written angst aha.. These all feel a little wordy, especially Simeon's, but I hope you enjoy! This one kind of escaped me 😬 they're not very headcanon-like lol

Featuring: GN reader || Diavolo x reader, Barbatos x reader, Simeon x reader, Solomon x reader

Warnings: angst of course; breakups; mentions of falling in Simeon's part; mentions of death in Solomon's part

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Diavolo

You both should have known better from the start, but as they say, love is blind, and it certainly seemed to give you both blinders to the fate of your relationship.

The topic of the future of your relationship was not something you had discussed in detail with each other... or at all, really. One moment, you were the human world representative and he the Prince of the Devildom. And the next, he'd taken you on as his precious lover.

Sure, you'd had a small discussion of logistics regarding marriage with the brothers at one point, each of them expressing their desire to marry you and bring you into the family. Even Solomon had joined in on the discussion, clearly having fun regarding this debate topic and the advantage he'd have as a fellow human. Eventually, you all had come to the conclusion that, at this point in time, marriage wasn't yet feasible due to the newness of human and demon collaboration.

It wasn't that you two didn't understand this conclusion; after all, it was Diavolo that had pointed this out to the others. But perhaps in your eagerness to explore these feelings, it made you two ignore all the other details regarding this issue. That not only was a relationship between a human and a demon not viewed positively by most demons, but you were also dating their ruler, someone that lived by a completely different set of rules from others. Someone with expectations and priorities to meet, plus the possibility of needing the Demon King's approval as well.

And so, it should have only been natural and understandable what happened next, but the pain of it would still stay with you both forevermore.

"You're leaving, aren't you?" were the words Dia uttered to you one night while holding each other close. You hadn't yet mentioned your concerns to him, in fact you hadn't even finalized your decision on what you were going to do about it. But somehow, he still knew. Both of you sensed where things were going, even though you didn't want to admit it. You couldn't answer him that night, but you knew you'd have to eventually.

It was you that walked away first.

Maybe the honeymoon period of the relationship had worn off, or perhaps it finally hit you about the strange and even nasty looks other demons gave you when they saw you and Diavolo together. The whispers carried to both your and Diavolo's ears about the people's opinions. You didn't want to run away from the issue. But at one point, you realized that this wasn't something you two were meant to force.

Relations between humans and demons would grow eventually, if the exchange program and improved education had anything to do with it. But that change was still a long way off, and you owed it to yourself but also the ruler of the Devildom to cut things now, before any long-lasting damage was done.

You quickly and quietly sorted out a return to the Human World. It wasn't without protest from multiple parties, and surprisingly even Lucifer could not agree with your decision right away. But eventually everyone folded. You hadn't needed to mention your decision to Diavolo, either. He never questioned you again after that night, seemingly coming to a mutual understanding, and he permitted the portal entry without a word, seeing you off with some simple words of farewell.

Everyone else was uncomfortable with the situation but knew there wasn't much they could do to change your mind. They continued to visit you on rare occasion in the human world over time, providing their emotional support and distracting with silly antics. But no one could ignore the palpable tension in the air when you eventually decided to marry and Diavolo arrived to give his best wishes, a smile on his face but not in his eyes.

All you could do was remind yourself that you did what had to be done.

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Barbatos

Catching feelings was never on Barbatos' agenda. Not that he was some cold, unfeeling robot, incapable of emotions. But he'd spent so many years at Diavolo's side, essentially "tamed" after all that time, always busy attending to the needs of the kingdom and the Prince, he didn't have time to entertain the thought of a relationship.

But upon you entering his life, his concept of his wants and needs completely flipped upside down. You did have to fight hard for his affections to start, but once he came to terms with how he felt, it was like something switched in him and the floodgates opened.

What was initially a business-like and cold demeanor, melted into a warm sweetness and a surprisingly playful personality. He would invite you for tea and sweets made specifically for you, even making baking dates on occasion; he was much more open in his mannerisms and jokes, and others would find him talking about you during casual conversation.

Diavolo was delighted, of course. Barbatos was extremely good at hiding his emotions, but his employer knew him long enough to see through it all. He loved witnessing his hard-working butler practically lovesick, his eyes always coming back to look at you during your visits to the castle, lingering a moment longer than usual during your meetings. Everyone else was just astonished by the effect you had on this stoic butler, and how you managed to bring out this seemingly new side to him.

However, the joy was not to last. Although your interactions were often limited to just within the castle, your few interactions in R.A.D. managed to catch the attention of a few students, leading to gossip and rumors about the strange influence of the human world exchange student.

At first it was just jokes regarding your ability to wrangle so many demons under your belt. But as time went on, the gossip became vicious, accusing you of purposefully trying to influence the Prince and interfere in Devildom matters. After all, if even you could get to the heart of the Prince's right hand man, what could stop you from getting involved with the Prince himself? Some commoner nobody that had no business getting involved?

Diavolo had warned before that the relationship between demons and humans was still a rocky one, but perhaps you hadn't fully understood the consequences when you chose to pursue Barbatos. And even Barbatos was guilty of wearing rose colored glasses as he came to know you and fall for you.

As the rumors only worsened, you both knew something would need to change, but perhaps you were a little more idealistic in your options than your lover, hoping for a choice that would please everyone.

But Barbatos had different priorities to consider, ones that were millenia in the making. And although he wanted to follow his heart, he yearned for it, his priority lay ultimately with the crown, and Barbatos was the first to walk away.

"You're leaving, aren't you?" you couldn't help but ask him finally. He had approached you at R.A.D. stating he needed to discuss an important matter with you, alone. You knew in your heart that if it was something school-related, he would make a formal meeting with the others involved. And the ever-spreading rumors regarding your "true intentions" certainly didn't bode well for a growing relationship, either.

Admittedly, your question threw him off, but the following silence was enough of an answer for you. In the end, your breakup was mutual, after he laid out his concerns and provided his evidence for his decision. But it didn't fix the gaping void left in both your hearts afterwards, and try as he might, the effect on Barbatos was clear as day. No one could find a way to refute your mutual decision, and you remained one of Barbatos' biggest regrets for all the wrong reasons.

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Simeon

Falling in love with you is as unexpected for you as it is for Simeon. He convinced himself that he felt the same for all humans, including you, though he believed every human unique and a special individual. But every interaction with you had him falling further and further into the rabbit's hole well before he even knew what was happening.

By the time he understood his feelings, he was tightly wound around your little finger, always eager for your attention and your love, and you were happy to give it to him. And although the others, particularly the brothers, were a little upset about your choice in partner, they were still happy for you two and felt it was a sweet match.

That's why everything seemed picture perfect, to start. You two went on dates, learned more about each other's respective Worlds, baked together, and you encouraged his creativity in his writing. He helped you grow and learn, but it wasn't one-sided; Simeon definitely changed as well, becoming more open to his own feelings and desires. You two were the picture perfect couple, in everyone's eyes.

But something nagged at the back of your mind, your gut telling you that something wasn't quite right. You did your best to ignore it, though, as Simeon really did seem to be the ideal boyfriend, attentive to your wants and needs, thoughtful and considerate and the very definition of an angel. You did your best to reciprocate and things seemed to be going smoothly for a while.

It wasn't until you spotted a feather on Simeon's bed one day, pure white at the base but noticeably darkened at the tip with a black you could only attribute to Lucifer's wings, that you realized your hunch was correct. Something, someone was causing Simeon to fall. And you just knew that you were the cause.

You didn't want to jump to conclusions, but it was difficult bringing up the concept of a fallen angel without making it obvious you were concerned for Simeon. And little by little, your suspicions were confirmed as you witnessed his behavior changing, his sins floating up to the surface more and more often and the occasional fallen feather measuring how much further he'd fallen.

You weren't even sure how to bring it up to him. Sweet, smart Simeon would do his best to either rationalize what was happening, or even worse, try to put the blame on himself instead of you, and any debate with Simeon was difficult to win. Time and time again, you considered how to broach the subject, but in the end, you couldn't do it right. You could only hope that leaving him would correct things, save him from this devastating experience.

The distance between you two started to grow, slowly at first, but Simeon eventually noticed the way you were slipping from his grasp. It wasn't long before others began to catch on as well, particularly Lucifer and Luke, noting the awkward air that formed between the two former lovebirds. However, conversations trying to investigate died on their lips, unable to make you answer, and you had none to give them anyway.

Simeon did his best to try to repair what was breaking, but it only seemed to push you further away each time, leaving him utterly lost. At least if you yelled at him, screamed, even hit him, it would be better than the utter nothing he was left with. But you couldn't bring yourself to say the words you needed to, the true reason for why you were drifting from him.

Simeon knew something was wrong, but he feared your answer more than anything, or rather the rejection he knew was coming, so he did his best to pretend even though he knew that was wrong. The right thing would be to confront you, be open about his worries and his desires, ensure you know that he would never blame you for anything that would come of this relationship, but he seemed to lose his words when he saw you.

"You're leaving, aren't you?" was uttered through his lips finally, one evening, but they fell upon no one's ears but his own.

Eventually, you were the first to walk away. When you did finally voice your decision to end things, he knew it didn't make sense, but he respected your agency enough not to question your feelings. It wasn't until years later he discovered the truth of it, but he never blamed you for it, although his heart ached just a little bit more, never having forgotten your love.

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Solomon

Solomon never intended to get this involved with you. He was simply intrigued by you, a human world exchange student that he later found out to be an incredibly powerful sorcerer that also managed to attract the attention of several high-ranking demons.

You were a fascinating person, a once-in-a-lifetime individual that he couldn't help but want to get to know better, to get closer to as time went on and be your guide. He couldn't help but be attracted to you, even more so than he thought, and that's what led to the greatest dilemma he's dealt with in ages.

Solomon avoided making close relationships with normal humans after repeat incidents of outliving them every single time. There was a reason he dealt with mostly demons and witches now, people that were a bit hardier that he wouldn't have to say goodbye to so soon.

But with you, he couldn't help himself. You were like a siren, calling him closer and closer with your sweet song, until he was totally ensnared. And it wasn't long before he realized what these feelings were, the tight feeling around his heart and the way his eyes could never leave you when you were in the room.

He knew he'd come to regret this, he always did, but his brain and his heart battled long and hard about how to deal with this. For a while, he let himself indulge in your presence, and the fantasy that he could have a normal life with you, move in together, get married, maybe found a new magical society together.

But as time passed, celebrating multiple birthdays together, and he started to notice physical signs of aging, gray showing in your hair roots and wrinkles developing at the corners of your eyes, it scared him about what was coming. Of course, he spent ages looking into ways to elongate a human's life, like what had happened to him. But he didn't even know how to broach that subject with you even if he had found a way.

What if you declined? Would you two try to settle for what time you had left, together, watching you slowly die as he remains unchanged? Could his heart even take that?

Or what if you accepted, but came to hate everlasting life like he did? What if you became immortal, but the never-ending years made the world bleak and gray for you, too? And you lost the light in your eyes? He would never forgive himself for that.

So he did the next best thing he could think of, and decided to not even give you the choice. Of course, it was easier said than done, but he couldn't figure out another way around it. He became more distant, less intimate with you, building up his walls again that you'd spent ages breaking down to begin with. At first you didn't quite catch on, but the more it happened, the more it dawned on you what was happening, although you couldn't place why.

"You're leaving, aren't you?"

He knew the question was coming, and he hated himself for how second-nature it was to feign a smile for you. You both knew the feelings you had for each other, but Solomon hid his worries and true reason for leaving in his heart, far away from you.

He was the one that stepped away.

He'll play it off as a loss of interest, that for an immortal like him, it was inevitable that he'd fall out of love at some point and to not take it personally. You knew this was bullshit, however, but couldn't find a way to get to the bottom of it. It was a very rough breakup, one that confused and saddened everyone else that had been watching you two get together, these two magical peas in a pod, inseparable and complementary to the other.

Asmodeus was ready to give Solomon hell for you, he was the most worried one of the bunch, and Barbatos knew too that something was off. But they couldn't do much as you refused. In the end, Solomon never confided his true reason for leaving, but you just knew it wasn't as cut and dry as he made it out to be.

[dana-chan-the-control-brain]

Thanks for your response. I was the anon who ended the ask with 'the fandom can suck it'. When I saw that anon who you and twinanimatronics had assumed to be the one that keeps you know starting shit with you, I really hated that they labeled us as shipbrain or whatever they said. I am aroace who finds comfort in shipping characters and that doesn't make me any less aroace. Can't people like them just let us have this, let us share it and stop taping our mouths? God. We are not even hurting anyone. I posted a solarxmoon and solarxearth mini comic thing yesterday and behold, I believe that same anon found it and is looking adamantly through the solarxmoon and even solarxearth because I didn't use the tsams tag for my comic. I took the comic down fast and turned off anon messages so quick because God that anon was quick to leave nasty messages, six in total and that was panic attack inducing. I'm sorry for rambling about this. I don't know anyone else who got that same anon on their back. It looks like they are persistent for lack of better term and it annoys me+scares me. Can't even share things I like about here anymore. Hoping solarxmoon becomes canon so that anon can shut up already

If Solar Moon became canon, they don't even need to change anything.

The actors don't even need to pretend to kiss or be romanically involved at all.

It's literally as simple as "Oh yeah, we were dating for months, anyway..."

OH AND... FUCK THAT ANON. I know the user you are talking about, I think there's around two or three of them... and it seems like they're dead set on hunting down people who use that Solarmoon or Solar x Moon tag.

Going into popular users in the tsams fandom that I personally don't know... and spreading bad lies and rumors about me.

Like, they typically try to keep it as vague as possible, like "oh I am not talking about dana-chan-the-control-brain specifically....." but they often steal the exact wording and turn of phrase I use.

Cause I have an overly wordy way of talking on the internet.

I've always been this way since I was 15, so I feel my style of speaking is pretty overly wordy, rambly and long compared to most people just because I don't have a lot to share with my opinions with in real life. And I also misspell things a lot cus spellcheck has gotten worse since it became AI trained and it doesn't help my dyslexia.

But how sad is that? That someone is searching out the tag for a ship that they don't like, claim that "it's everywhere" and I'm "poisoning the fanbase" when I'm just.... here... playing with my own dolls, doing my own thing.... and not bothering anyone... Not even putting the ship in the tags publicly because I have Such respect and love for the silly little youtube show, who also plays with fnaf characters like they're dolls.

(just saying.. "bio-organic" and interdimensional travel did NOT come from fnaf I can tell you that much. )

And yeah, if they're really stumbling across Solarmoon or these ships on accident.......Blacklist the tags and move on? Don't come to my messages... Don't harass my friends...

And don't harass other people I DON'T EVEN KNOW because someone just said "hehe but what if they kissed" on the internet?

Like blocklist the tag, and move on.

I know the blocklisting tagging system sucks sometimes, so maybe it's picking up "Solar" like in that case? Just scroll super fast and don't look at it?

And yeah. You don't deserve those nasty messages sent your way at all!

Oh, and if you feel brave enough to reupload your art to tumblr and DM me, I will gladly reblog it here. <3

[twst-drabbles]

Dire 5

Summary: With the college closing for break comes a question regarding you, the janitor.

(Dire Crowley is another dude I want to bully. It's fun.)

A certain Mr. Dire Crowley has a nasty habit, a most peculiar and irritating of way of wording and phrasing things. As in, he never get to the fucking point. He dances around the issue, preferring to whisper the direct answer under a layer of wordy nonsense that means nothing to you. He wants to flaunt his feathers first, as though waxing poetic about his own graciousness will somehow soften the blow of a less than ideal answer.

“So, that is to say, in all my boundless graciousness that I have given to you, my special janitor who has saved this college and make it shone all the brighter,” Fuck, now he’s lathering you up. That’s even worse. “…”

He stopped, mouth still smiling but the sweat coming from under his mask tells all. Milking the tension for all that it’s worth, clearly just wanting to be anywhere but here. While it’s nice to know that he fears you, you do not have the patience to deal with the bullshit you’re about to pry out his mouth.

You didn’t even sigh. You grabbed at his tie and dragged him close to your face. Just to be polite, you gave a smile of your own, tense and ready to show teeth despite the way Dire threw up his hands in submission.

“Payment. Will I be paid while you’re on vacation, dear Dire Crowley?”

The students have the gift of celebrating the break with their loved ones, however you have nowhere and no one to go to. Well, most students are going but your point still stands! You’re stuck here and you still have to clean and take care of the fairies here, but the man in charge of giving you your money is going to fuck off and do whatever it is birdbrains like this man do. And you’re very sure he isn’t the kind to know how to wire your money directly to your account.

Dire’s smile was gone, a mere puckering dot on his face.

“…Maybe?”

Your eyes thinned to slits as you pressed closer, ignoring the passing students that stared at snickered at Dire’s demure hunch. Hs eyes were entirely locked onto you, unable to escape your encroaching wrath.

You gripped his collar and pulled it tight around his throat. Dire coughed but didn’t choke. Nor did he even push away. He was under your will, forced to listen to your every word.

Honestly with the amount of times you put your hands on this man, you’re starting to suspect he likes it. You’re more than sure he can fight back. Sure, you’ve seen the way the students like to mock and slander Dire’s name but never do they bother to physically fight back. Sure, it could just be a set of institutional rules stopping them—if you managed get kicked out of the NRC, good luck being worth anything with that stain—but you’re sure there are students that want to try.

But they don’t. Which brings up the question on why Dire even tolerates your behavior that’s on grounds of being fired. And yet here he is, mind still working its gears before he finally gave up and submitted to your demands.

“…You’ll be paid. Extra even, for overtime.”

You let him go. Dire caught himself and adjusted his hat. And now he’s back to that high stance of pride, albeit just a bit chipped.

“That’s a good boy.” Shit, Divus is rubbing on you. Oh well, it’s worth it. Dire shoulder’s twitched, the light sway of his head almost mechanical. “Glad to see you’re a fair man, Dire.”

Sure, you won’t get a vacation but eventually you will! Especially with all the money you’re getting.

[eggsploded]

fausto for the ask thing...... the girl herself

butterflaust :)

first impression: you really get the feeling that she fucking hates you. shes rly funny cuz shes the tutorial character but doesnt leave after the prologue. shes here forever, judging dante. i feel in the beginning i skimmed over all the nuance in her dialogue assuming its just wordy for the sake of wordiness.

current impression: faust is soooo... faust. upon replaying the prologue shes way less cold than i first thought, her little c: smile when talking about mephis was saur cute. in fact shes not really cold at all to me, simply operating in a faustly way. you can contextualize what she does as a way to keep herself occupied. not really for some deeper lore sense (because ionno what her deal is) but a bitch needs some stimuli. i think if she was made to do arts and crafts with no larger purpose outside of fun she would explode into blood and gore. it also makes her friendship with yi sang really funny because i wonder if she cares to understand his artsy spech past it being a little clever wordplay. if he made her a drawing she wouldnt know how to compliment it outside of a technical sense. her flavor of arrogance is also so funny to me because its so stupid? like when rodya complimented her and she puffed up and went faust Is cool. the speaking in 3rd person too is funny, knowing she isnt LARPing like don and is very much just Like That. theres alot about herself she either doesnt notice or simply does not want to examine deeply like her mild competitiveness or tendency to manipulate people if it means theyll be less annoying to her. simply the faust of all time

favorite moment: i think the sweetest and funniest thing was realizing her spiel about yi sang not being a genius Unlike Her and believing in more philosophical things unlike her Sensible and Tactile self was an attempt at a COMPLIMENT. i thought she was ripping him to shreds but no she was actually hyping him up a bit in the most clinical way possible

story idea: you know earlier when i said making faust attempt creative expression would cause her to explode into bits? well i want to see it anyway. im forcing her at the kindergarten table of that nasty smelling homemade playdoh and telling her to make a new animal. sinclair made a bear with with wings called a beear. very nice young man.

fav relationships: im enjoying the fandom divide with faust shipping where she is either getting bitches left and right and not giving a fuck to maintain them (because it comes out weird when she tries) or not even being aware of when shes down bad and having the primal part of her brain that tells her to bite and roll around hijack her motherboard. shes being corroded by an insidious EGO called... horny, different to lust, which is Krausts jam. i already wrote a little bit about fausang and i think fausts inability to know how to enjoy things makes them a very sweet duo. in her mind the guy doesnt come a lick close to her own brilliance, but something about how he closes his eyes in understanding speaks more words than compliments do. not to say that faust doesnt like being hyped up. because she does, like all the time. if they were walking she wouldve tripped when rodya called her babe. her greatest flaw is pretending shes above anything, if there was a chance to maul ryoshu she would without pausing. probably so turned on she cant see anything. ishmael too. also outis. hey, whats going on here? my sources tell me due to her ongoing opposites to yi sang she is incapable of a domestic lame marriage the way he is. ishmael is the yuri messiah, but faust is the yuri menace. you know what they are both capable of though? following rodya around enamored because that was the first pet name theyve ever been called and it felt Funny.

fav headcanon: in the newest credits cg for canto 4 i think shes telling vergil she has a tummyache

[geoffthemurderer]

re: recent drama. wordy rant ahead

anyways this is my first time posting but i've been in the fandom for >10 years. and, well, this reminded me of myself from the past. years ago, i was the one fighting to put creepy back into creepypasta. i didn't mind the porn or x reader fics, mostly ignored that, but i hated the way the characters get woobified, warped into something they were never intended to be. so i fought. battled with people in comments sections over what was right, posted and reposted the canon info over and over again. guess what. that didn't do much. HOWEVER. eventually, the attitude of my fellow fighters started to take me aback. i began to see that canon goes both ways, that creepypasta was never that serious to begin with. that painting everyone as these ruthless, straightforward, cold blooded murderers gets tired quickly. hell, it's not even that scary! and yet, people around me insisted on those self-important, up their own ass depictions like it was the best thing on earth. and hoo boy was that boring. in the end, it was that rigid nastiness that put me off. behaviours that overstepped the line of niceness. now, i don't just want creepy, i want interesting. i'm done with bloodshed just because, i want nuance. i want what makes these characters complicated, compelling, human. and if that's not what i see? if the way people portray them just isn't for me? who cares.

[shiny-miltank]

why hello old friends, you’ve found me once again (it wasn’t a secret really lol). to start off myello. sorry for disappearing off the Mewcrew blog. It gets all kinda wordy so it’s under a readmore.

Long story short I suffered from a mental Illinois(tm) spiral of depression, work exhaustion, undiagnosed/untreated adhd and big time imposter syndrome + burnout. Zoom into today I’ve been in therapy for my big time sads with some new perspectives and management, got some adhd meds, my job quit on me (long story) so now I’m slinging it freelance artist style and seeing how it goes, and back with family cause living alone was expensive and very Not Good for my brain it turned out. Still working on new changes and learning about the anxious smorgasbord up in the head.

Now there’s still no guarantee? That Mewcrew stuff is going to come back in full force like it did. Im still trying to like it again cause I do miss them. It took a long time and effort just to draw them for the wips I got going in the bg after like the three years leaving. Tbh the blog became something I didn’t want and instead of casual, low effort, funny not serious Just Roomates on misadventures in a pink void comic it became long hours of planning and plotting and rendering and feeling it wasn’t enough with my nasty soup of brain ick continuing to make me feel bad for not keeping up with a constant pace and comparing my work to the artists around me (again it was my brain funguses making reality hard-no one else. The artists around me back then were legit the nicest peeps around-still are). I’m also still really nervous and anxious around big communities that seemed to have sprung up HELLO ALL OF YOU LOL. I remember when it was just three of us xD And I still have to sit with my imposter syndrome and understanding I have things to offer that people do want to see and to stop anxieties from comparing my work to others.

So for now if I am posting Mewcrew stuff it’s mostly going to be here on my main from now on and not an individual blog (me figuring it’s just a lot of effort to keep up with so many blogs and logins, I think any new project or direction I go is just gonna be slapped on my main from now on. The less effort the better for my energy.). It’ll be sporadic and in a much different direction that was more akin to what I wanted it to be and much more casual comedy (or my flat sense of humor-I’ll laugh at knock knock jokes fr) slice of life with very little, even parody “plot”. And most of it until im comfortable with releasing complete mewcrew/mewtwo content will be on my patreon with again spurts of it here on tumblr and on my other socials. And if any of you come into my inbox saying I’m paywalling my own content AGAIN I will come for your kneecaps no joke you are NOT entitled to my work ESPECIALLY when this is now my main form of income. Anything on my patreon is /extra/ and early works and for peeps who choose to/want to and or capable of supporting me. That was literally the final straw that made me take a step out way back then: there’s still somebody behind the screen please remember that. This is just for my anxieties and getting comfortable with my characters again at a slow pace👍 I do miss everyone I use to interact with and want to be part of the bigger community here that’s sprouted up. Just gotta walk slowly with my social anxiety and other things first.

Thanks for reading and choosing to stick around if you do!

[ryehouses]

i was tagged in this by @bobafett, who wants to bring back ask box games! this was really fun and really helped drive home the fact that i am maybe a little too wordy!

y'all know the drill. copy, paste, fill in your own answers! feel free to share!

How many works do you have on AO3? impossible for me to say because i have shed ao3 handles like a particularly robust hermit crab, but if i'm just counting everything under iridan, thirteen!

What’s your total AO3 word count? ......1.3 million, as iridan. if we throw in some of my other psueds and the truly awful eragon fanfiction i wrote when i was fourteen, we're probably loking at 2 - 2.5 mil.

What fandoms do you write for? presently, star wars, jujutsu kaisen, star wars again. i have some witcher fic in my gdocs and older projects in rdr2, dishonored, anything that can catch and hold my attention for long enough for my brain to produce a bit of dopamine,

What are your top 5 fics by kudos? all five of them are in the ast 'verse except for lost country

Do you respond to comments? i try to, but it's really hit or miss! i am painfully shy and usually can only go '!!!!!' in thanks

What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending? of my completed fics, none! i am not really in to the angst ending. if i ever do get around to finishing it, i started a dishonored/his dark materials au that would have ended with corvo going slowly, gently nuts and taking over the outsider's place in the void

What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending? i like happy endings, so all of them!

Do you get hate on fics? occasionally. i still think about that one commentor on ast who accused me of blaming the jedi for order 66 like, all the time. mostly no, though, everyone is really nice!

Do you write smut? If so, what kind? i've been told that 'wrestling as nasty foreplay' is something of a signature move of mine, so! 1) yes and 2) whatever kind of smut 'wrestling as nasty foreplay' applies as

Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written? yes, but almost exclusively his dark materials crossovers. i do have a witcher/temeraire fusion au sitting in my gdocs

Have you ever had a fic stolen? no, not that i'm aware of. i do semi-frequent google searches to see if my shit pops up anywhere.

Have you ever had a fic translated? i don't think so! ast was podfic'd, if that counts.

Have you ever co-written a fic before? i don't think so, because i am a whole idiot and am hard to collaborate with.

What’s your all time favorite ship? of ALL TIME? impossible to say. i am inconsistent and flighty. bobadin hit me pretty good, though

What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will? haha too many. i started a jedi!din fic and didn't get far. i've had several WIPs on ao3 sit without an update for years. i have drafted, redrafted, and drafted again a novel that will most likely never see the light of day. finishing even one of those would likely water my crops for several years

What are your writing strengths? i take particular pride in my settings! somebody on ao3 told me last week that i have nice turns of phrase, too, and i am proud of those too

What are your writing weaknesses? i have never once said anything in six words when i could say them in six hundred million billion instead

Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic? obviously i've experimented in various projects, but i am fundamentally kind of lazy and prefer to sprinkle in a few words here and there instead of spending the time to learn about another language's grammar structure

First fandom you wrote for? the first fandom i published anything in was eragon, way back in the day! the first fandom i wrote for was his dark materials, in a composition notebook in like the fifth or sixth grade!

Favorite fic you’ve written? could not possibly pic! they are all like my children and also my therapist.

i'm tagging @meyerlansky and anybody else who wants to participate! consider yourself invited!

[liskantope]

Growing up, to my knowledge the default way for two adults to argue was to have an angry fight -- I mean raised voices if not outright shouting at each other, constantly interrupting each other, anger and aggression generally taking over, which I assumed to be the universal definition of fight. This was certainly the way of my parents, even if they didn't like it and made some efforts to mitigate their communication breaking down into this mode; as long as there were strong enough disagreements that needed to be aired, it seemed inevitable that such an unpleasantly hostile scene would eventually take place. And as far as I could tell, there was nothing at all unusual about my parents or the amount of shouting fights that took place in my house: I assumed (and I still think probably correctly) that this kind of event took place with some regularity in most other households as well.

But when I think now to my friends' relationships (and even my own close roommate or practically-living-together relationships, platonic and otherwise), for some reason I have a harder time picturing much of this happening. It's not that I have any kind of direct knowledge of how my friends and their partners interact behind closed doors, it's just that in the cases of people I know really well, I simply don't imagine them resorting to handling disagreements in this way. (In the case of one couple I know really well, who I am still close friends with, I was actually in the room for their "first fight" as well as at least one other one, and neither of them at any point so much as raised their voice or quickened their speech -- they might have even slowed down.) It's not that all of my generational peers hash out contentious social issues in the carefully analyzing and qualifying and very wordy way that I tend to write about such things in blog posts, nor that they don't get angry or otherwise emotional. It's that they (I think) generally have better tools for confrontation at their disposal and prioritize avoiding the perhaps more traditional, nasty, screaming-at-each-other brand of conflict resolution, even if that's possibly what they grew up with.

I can't help thinking this is a generational thing, like people who grew up around the same time as I did (or later) are generally more in touch with how to process feelings and differences with others in intimate situations, and are even perhaps more emotionally intelligent and/or self-aware in general, I don't know. I definitely don't shy away from criticizing some of the values, mindsets, and tendencies of my generation and younger on this blog, but this is a very positive trait I'm inclined to hand to them for sure.

[katiekatdragon27]

Do you ever make a super messed up OC for a show for babies? I did. I regret nothing.

Bio and stuff below cuz it's pretty wordy:

Ruth Riddlerustic is a storybot conspiracy theorist who has extreme paranoia and attachment issues.

After her dad's disappearance, Tru decided to become a journalist in order to uncover the reason for it. She got way more information than she bargained for, both on her dad and other storybots that have gone missing. Tru tried writing about said information, but got shut down almost immediately, being fired and tossed to the streets. They tried to get other jobs, but writing super controversial articles when you live in the internet tends to follow you around. Hard. Almost everyone refused to hear Tru out.

The progressive isolation from others took a massive toll on her mental and physical health. Their family eventually started avoiding her, even ex-communicating her from anything relating to them.

The only bot she had for support was News, another journalist at the time. She let Tru stay at her place until they could get on their feet again. Tru gained an unhealthy attachment to News as a result. After a nasty fight between the two that damaged News's arm, Tru was kicked from her apartment, officially becoming homeless.

She now sits on the streets, shouting stuff no one cares to listen to.

---------

So yeah, just a little messed up. I wanted to go at a different angle for this OC, especially since a good chunk of her beliefs are questions that I had about Answer Time's world-building (especially the Internet episode).

Like, how many horrific things have they scanned and sent to other routers? Are they responsible for things to trend or are there different departments for that stuff? How would crypto work if it's mined on computers? Are there crypto miners? Do they live in those servers to mine Ethereum and stuff?? Are they aware of the impact of that stuff and are just powerless to do or say anything about it???

What a horrid existence. I wonder if the bots in charge of that suff are super hush hush about it. This is why almost adults shouldn't watch kid shows.

Anyway, some images of only them and her original sketch.

Thanks for reading my mindless dribble, and have a nice day :)

[songofthesibyl]

There have been other times I have tried to be social in the past—all have turned out the exact same way. I’m too earnest, too sincere, too wordy, too raw, too personal. Too awkward, too moody, too much. So I just retreat. I don’t think this is for me. Any of it. I’m not sure fandom is for me. I’m constantly seeing reblogs of all these rules. All these ways I’m supposed to feel about things, all these things I’m supposed to know. Song of the Sibyl is the tentative title for one in a series of books I’ve been writing for twelve years; I’ve had the story and characters in my head since I was a child. I get sick thinking of such toxicity stemming from something I created, that has often been the only reason I’ve continued to live. Or that all my hand wringing about not doing enough—world building, naming every thing or I’m a bad writer, not using baby name sites or I’m a bad writer, never reusing a word ever, trying so hard to get everything right—when the end result will just be an elaborate prompt for smut that has nothing to do with my story or characters, and if I don’t like that, get over it, I’m told, this is the internet. That’s how it works if you want to be a creator.

I don’t find it fun to spar with other people online and be nasty, and I realize that’s just how it is. I think a poster is upset at someone harassing them when they’re not, they’re just as nasty back, that’s the game. I imagine people on the street as this person who told someone they hope they get brutally abused for liking Tamlin, or that person who looked forward to seeing a child getting brutally murdered on screen in HOTD. I don’t care how Pollyanna this sounds.

I’ve just never felt a part of the world. Maybe I’m not supposed to be.

[your-bigender-big-brother]

In English class this semester, we were tasked with writing an essay on a step-by-step process. I did mine on How to Be a Man and I have it below for anyone who wants to check it out!

How to Be a Man

Step one: Be a girl first. You wake up one morning, your mother’s daughter. You have to pick out an outfit for school and look in your closet: You see pinks, yellows, soft colors, soft textures, curvy shirts, some with lace trim and some made of satin. Sure, you can wear jeans if you want. They’re the ones with the little flowers decorating the cuffs. The back pockets have a little design sewn into them, swirling threads forming the shape of a blooming rose. Your hair is too long so it might get tied back into a ponytail with a fun little scrunchy, or maybe it’ll get French-braided and tied off with a brightly colored elastic tie. You don’t wear makeup, at least not yet. You’re 13, but you still feel too young to be wearing eyeshadow or lipstick or anything like that. Still, you have to do something to keep people off your back so they will stop judging you for not being a “normal girl.” So you wear the girly things, you braid your hair, and you adorn yourself with pastel flowers in a myriad of colors.

Your mother always gave you mixed messages on how to dress properly, “lady-like.” She expects you to look girly, but you can’t wear anything too revealing. You want the dresses, the skirts, the shirts to scream “I’m a girl!” but you don’t want them to be too short or too form-fitting. This leaves few options you can use for school. Why were you even allowed to have these clothes in the first place if they’re only seen as rule breaking and inappropriate? And how do you know what’s appropriate for a hairstyle? You have a lot of hair, thick and cascading down to your waist, and you hope that a simple ponytail is sufficient enough to go with your outfit. After some consideration, you decide to wear a simple T-shirt and jeans. It’s a tomboyish outfit, but it’s so much better than stressing out over what counts as girly enough.

The bus ride to school is the same as always: You get the occasional sideways glances and sneers as you walk by to take your seat. You’re made to feel unnecessarily self-conscious about your long frizzy hair. It's always been a point of interest to other kids, but never in a positive way. They hate how messy it looks, how it's only ever in a ponytail but never really styled. “Why doesn’t she ever gel it? It looks so nasty like that.” You sit in the back of the bus by yourself, wishing you could just shrink away until you were invisible and away from the jeers and stares of your peers. Thankfully you chose the jeans because that means you can bring your legs up on the seat and wrap your arms around them. Somehow, you never feel as small as you try to make yourself look. You feel big, loud, like you’re some weird creature that stumbled onto the bus to bother everyone.

In class, your voice is laced with uncertainty whenever you do happen to muster up the courage to speak. You’re too aware of how your voice breaks and wavers and tapers off awkwardly at the end, as if anything that came out of your mouth was hardly planned before it was blurted out. Nothing you have to say feels like it’s worth sharing, as your answers to the teacher’s questions are always too wordy. The other students give you weird looks as you ramble, but they don’t understand that you’re just very passionate about some subjects and want to reflect that in how you respond to questions. Most of the time, you keep your head down so as not to attract any unwanted attention. Your parents always warned you that you talk too much, that you’re being too rambunctious and not acting enough like a lady. But you enjoy talking about things you’re passionate about, loudly and proudly. How can you be a lady and still be heard? Do only the boys get to be so confident?

Step two: Realize you’re doing it wrong. Lunchtime is as usual, a chaotic mass of students all shouting and laughing and acting like it’s recess from their earlier school years. You get lost in the sea, which helps you stay unnoticed as you slink in through the big double doors and get in line for food. The line is the hardest part because you’re now out in the open, standing in the middle of the room, while those who are already seated can see you standing awkwardly. There’s no way to pull your arms in any closer and you don’t have the comfort of a chair to pull your legs in, so you just wait there with your eyes to the floor. You feel small enough and yet too tall all at the same time, a recent growth spurt turning you into a gangly façade of womanhood. There are a lot of other girls in line and they look so pretty with their slim-cut shirts, delicate gold bracelets, and sophisticated hairstyles that were done by their mothers. They don’t all wear jeans and in fact, you see plenty of skirts and those pocketless trousers you don’t know the name of. In fact, a lot of them look like they took one look at a Tiger Beat or Seventeen magazine and emulated the popular styles from them. You've never liked those magazines.

You take your seat where the fewest number of kids are seated, but you can still feel their stares on you. You hope they wouldn’t notice you or watch you eat, because you know that your table manners are far from ladylike. Thankfully, the food isn’t too messy, so you don’t have to keep too close an eye on how you’re eating it. Still, it feels awkward to be here. The girls around you are gossiping, laughing, making weekend plans. You’ve never been invited to anything you hear them talking about, but you doubt you’d be very interested anyway. As you’re leaving the cafeteria, you learn that someone’s put gum in your hair. Again.

Step three: Be a man. You go home and look at yourself in the mirror. It isn’t you, but some weird version of you that your parents created. This soft face, this heavy hair, this slender body. It's like looking at a stranger who's too familiar for your own comfort. Beside you on the shelf you see what will become the instrument of your own freedom: The hair clippers. You don’t know how to cut hair but you know you need the weight gone, so you pick a random number - a 2 or a 3 or whatever - and use the corresponding guard to cut the hair. Brown coils fall onto the floor as you cut and before long, your feet are no longer visible. You cut until there isn't anything left to cut and when you look down, you stare at the pile for a moment. You wonder how much of this weight was hair and how much of it was girlhood. As you turn to grab a broom, you catch a glimpse of someone in the mirror. This person still isn't you, but it's more you than you've ever been before.

Somewhere in your closet are big baggy T-shirts that you usually wear to bed, but they should work perfectly for a more boyish look. You lay one particular band tee out to wear tomorrow, hoping it’s enough to cover up your shape. If you could have a nondescript silhouette, you would. Over the weekend, you decide to buy yourself some new jeans and a big hoodie to wear over your shirt. Despite the layers of oversized shirts, you feel bigger than ever.

This time, you’re more than ready for school. Your hair, a burden of the past, now short and boyish. Your clothes are new, a better reflection of who you really are, and you feel as though you can confidently walk through those doors as the new you. There’s no more trepidation, no more being told you’re not girly enough. You feel like you can take on the world with this new you. You speak more clearly, the waver in your voice gone. There’s no question as to whether you’re doing this right, only whether what you're doing is right for you. You are a self-made man, one created in your own image. This face, this hair, this body is now a temple of your own making. The stranger who stared back at you for so many years is gone, swept into a dustpan along with the brown coils, the pastel flowers, and your girlhood. Now someone else has taken their place. Someone who is somehow new and familiar simultaneously: You.

[hobbitwrangler]

Terribly Wordy Tuesday

thank you for tagging me @emyn-arnens! Here's a wee snippet of the Aulë/Yavanna fic which miraculously spawned into my brain yesterday:

Aulë rose and stretched, taking in the rising trees of what men called Mirkwood. At the moment he could see nothing of concern hidden within the green-clad boughs but the birds and beasts who had spoken to Yavanna on their journey made it clear that this did not necessarily hold true in the rest of the forest. Part of him wished they had not come. It would only pain Yavanna more to see all the damage done to a realm she had so loved.  But who knows. Maybe in time Mirkwood will be restored, just as Erebor was. “Ready to go?” Yavanna’s voice startled him from his thoughts and he turned to find her striding out of the river, squeezing her hair in great handfuls so that the water sluiced down about her. “I am,” said Aulë, glancing meaningfully (but by no means indifferently) at her naked form. “You are not.” Yavanna rolled her eyes. “I was hoping you wouldn’t notice.” Aulë’s eyes narrowed. “Just because I don’t have elf-eyes like you doesn’t mean I’m completely blind. And it’s not my noticing that’s the problem, it’s theirs,” he said, gesturing vaguely toward the trees as if elves were about to suddenly materialise from the shadows. At the thought he glowered at the forest. Come to think of it, they had a nasty habit of doing exactly that. Yavanna thought it charming but Aulë was of the opinion that it was downright rude. 

tagging @lightqueer @sotwk @scyllas-revenge if you want to do it!