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astr0disiac · 19 days

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ᴄʜᴀᴘᴛᴇʀ 6: ɴᴏɴᴠɪᴏʟᴇɴᴛ ᴄᴏᴍᴍᴜɴɪᴄᴀᴛɪᴏɴ

☆ꜱʏɴᴏᴘꜱɪꜱ:

Tiana feels as though she deserves the suffering she's endured over the past five years after the tragic loss of her husband, Naveen. But Nanami wants to prove that she is capable of giving and receiving love again.

But even the sweetest of kisses can't heal the sourest of wounds.

An office-work romance like no other, filled with love, loss, and betrayal from those Tiana thought she could trust the most.

☆ᴡᴏʀᴅ ᴄᴏᴜɴᴛ: 20,130

☆ᴄᴏɴᴛᴇɴᴛ ᴡᴀʀɴɪɴɢ: implied/referenced suicide [mild], implied/referenced self-harm [mild], implied/referenced miscarriage, angst, slow burn

☆ᴍʏ ꜱɪɴᴄᴇʀᴇꜱᴛ ᴀᴘᴏʟᴏɢɪᴇꜱ ꜰᴏʀ ᴀɴʏ ᴍɪꜱꜱᴘᴇʟʟɪɴɢꜱ ᴏʀ ɢʀᴀᴍᴍᴀᴛɪᴄᴀʟ ᴇʀʀᴏʀꜱ☆

“Tia?” Charlotte tried to keep her voice together, relief washing over her because she finally heard Tiana’s voice after so long. It confirmed that Tia was still Tia, and her Tia was still alive. “Tia, talk to me, what’s wrong?”

“Lottie…” Tiana sniveled, her face growing warm. She wiped at her face feverishly, her skin raw. “Lottie, I need you.”

Charlotte had just finished her nighttime routine before getting an urgent call from Nanami, the man practically begging her to call Tiana as soon as possible because he couldn’t reach her. Of course he had assumed the worst, and that panic had spread to Charlotte, who was now clutching her duvet. Travis, who was still drowsy, sat up with her.

“Tia-” Charlotte swung the cover off of her body, easing up as her belly buzzed with flutters that she had begun to grow accustomed to. Travis raises a brow, but Charlotte holds her hand up politely with a slight head nod, signaling that she had this. She closes her bedroom door, trudging to her plush living room, sinking into the couch. She grabs one of the decorative pillows, hugging it to her chest. “Tia, where are you right now?”

A strained laugh echoes from Tiana’s throat as she looks at her surroundings, defeated. Nothing but dark buildings and piles of snow that she had dug through. She wipes her face again, her skin dry. “Hell?" She says, laughing again, a stray tear falling as her lower lip trembles. “I’m…I’m outside.”

Charlotte’s brows furrowed. “Tia- why are…baby why are you outside?”

“I don’t know!” Tiana shouts, and Charlotte jumps in her seat, but she keeps quiet. “I just, I don’t know anymore, Charlotte. I don’t know what I’m doing, or what I’m saying. I don’t know what I’m feeling-” Tiana gnawed on her cheek, looking up at the dark sky. She squeezed her eyes shut, rocking on her knees. “I don’t know anything. I’m just…I’m lost. I’m so lost, Charlotte.” Tiana gripped the phone with both her hands, her voice barely over a whisper. “I need you. And I’m sorry for that, but I do.”

“Tiana, don’t apologize, you never need to apologize for leaning on me.” Charlotte said, messaging her stomach as nausea washed over her. Or was it guilt? It didn’t matter right now.

“What I need you to do is go inside. Let’s get you settled.”

So Tiana did, and it hurt like hell trudging back up the stairs, her limbs numb as she stumbled back into the house for the second time tonight. Tiana knew better than to hop into a hot shower, so she peeled off her soaked clothes layer by layer, shaking as she pitter-pattered around the room, finding her warmest clothes to put on. She wrapped herself in blankets and laid down in her bed, shivering with the phone next to her. While laying down, she briefly thought of how less than a day ago, Nanami had called her to wish her a happy birthday so softly over the phone, and her heart almost bursts. Immediately she got up, moving to the kitchen, the memory causing her head to throb. She made herself some tea, the blankets draped around her body as she wandered around, then finally settled on her couch, curled into a ball.

“Feeling better?” Charlotte asked, the phone on speaker. Tiana, who’s eyes were closed, simply nodded her head first, then remembered Charlotte wasn’t actually there.

“Yeah…” Tiana said, feeling small.

“Good.” Charlotte exhaled. “Now, tell me what’s wrong.”

Tiana began sharing stuff from the beginning of her living arrangements in Japan, things she hid from Lottie so as not to worry her, which made Charlotte feel even worse. Because it was Charlotte who subjected her to this life in the first place, and maybe if she were a more supportive friend, Tiana wouldn’t be suffering so much.

Tiana talked about how Misha had been treating her, and her strange switch up, and Lottie seethed over the phone, throwing in nasty comments and insults about the despicable woman. It put a smile on Tiana’s face briefly, reminding her of their teenage years when they would sit on the phone gossiping about absolutely nothing. Tiana was also glad that Charlotte didn’t nag her for withholding something that was troubling her so much.

“So she did all that…” Charlotte’s face dripped with disgust, and Tiana could practically see her upturned nose. “For a man.”

“Hey, now.” Tiana said, getting a bit defensive, but she didn’t mean to. “He’s…” Tiana hesitated a bit, trying not to think about that kiss too much, but everytime she thought of Nanami, the memory was attached to it. “He’s nice…sometimes.” She mutters the last part, but then covers it up with her next statement. “He’s my friend.”

“Hold on-” Charlotte sits up, hearing the shift in Tiana’s voice. “This wouldn’t happen to be the same friend that you mentioned before?” Charlotte’s voice had an air of mischievousness about it, and Tiana felt embarrassed. But why would she?

“Yes. A friend.” Tiana emphasized.

Charlotte felt herself grow giddy, because she knew for sure she was talking about Nanami.

“So if this wench is fighting you so hard for a friend, don’t you think that he may-”

“No.” Tiana said, cutting Charlotte off immediately. “I…I thought so before, but now I know that he was just being kind to me.”

“Just kind?” Charlotte raised a brow, and Tiana nodded her head, clutching her blanket closer.

“Yes, and there’s nothing wrong with that.” Tiana says. “I appreciate his friendship, especially when things have been so hard for me here.”

“Tiana…” Charlotte pursed her lips. “Now what could have changed your mind? He sounds like he deeply cares about you.” Charlotte pauses. “Deeply.”

“I…um-” Tiana felt so embarrassed, as if she had reverted back into a child. “He kissed-”

“He kissed you?!” Charlotte yelled, sitting up, and Tiana jolted away from the phone. She pinches the bridge of her nose, shaking her head.

“No!” Tiana said, frustrated that her friend was jumping to conclusions. “No, Lottie. He kissed her.”

The line goes silent, Tiana hearing nothing but her own breathing.

“Lottie?” Tiana calls out, wondering why her vibrant friend had suddenly gone quiet.

Then the line dies.

Tiana sits up, confused, reaching to pick up her phone. The call had dropped.

Charlotte fumed, muttering threats as she dialed Nanami’s number with a quickness. He picked up on the second ring, speaking at a frantic speed.

“Is Tiana okay?” Nanami asked, not even greeting his cousin. “Were you able to reach-”

“You need to get yourself together!” Charlotte screamed on the other line, and Nanami was taken aback by the sudden outburst.

“I- excuse me-?”

Nanami didn’t even get to finish before the line went dead. He stared at his phone, wondering if he had heard Charlotte correctly. But even if he hadn’t heard her correctly, he sure felt her emotions through the line. Charlotte was upset, and he didn’t understand why her anger was directed towards him. It could have been a side effect from her pregnancy, so Nanami tried not to take it to heart.

“What is up with tonight?” Nanami said, running his hands through his hair, lightly jogging to his car.

The phone buzzed in Tiana’s hand, Charlotte calling her back. She swiped her pointer across the screen, putting it on speaker and laying the phone back on the table.

“Lottie?” Tiana sounded concerned.

“Sorry, Tia.” Charlotte was fanning herself on the other line, trying not to get worked up. “I forgot to charge my phone.”

Tiana chuckled lightly, settling back into her seat, hoping Charlotte had let the previous conversation go. She should have known it wouldn’t have been that easy.

“So, so, so-” Charlotte tried to piece her thoughts together, her frustration building so much that her hands seemed to turn red. God, her cousin, who was supposed to be the most logical man that she knew, was so stupid. “Lemme get this straight... he kissed that tramp?”

“Lottie!” Tiana laughed, but it was to bandage the pain in her heart. “Lottie, that’s not nice.”

“Well it’s true!”

“Lottie!” Tiana’s voice was between a whine and a laugh. “We are all adults here. He has the right to seek out anyone he may want to.” Tiana gripped her blankets tighter, her eyebrows furrowed.

“Even if that person is comparable to the jam between my toes?”

“Yes, even that person was equivalent to toe scum.” Tiana giggled briefly, and Charlotte joined in. But once the laughter stopped, reality had settled into Tiana’s brain, and it put a weird taste in her mouth.

“I don’t…” Tiana hesitates, not sure why she was saying this, but it felt as though she needed to rid these thoughts. “I don’t think it would have worked.”

“Did you want it to work?”

The question put Tiana into a stupor, and her words seemed to fail her as she denied her heart to communicate with her brain.

“I- no, no.” Tiana said after a long pause, so long that a snail could beat a tortoise and a hare. “No, I can’t-”

“You can’t, or you won’t?” Charlotte said softly, and again, Tiana was at a loss for words.

But she couldn’t. She just couldn’t do it. She wouldn’t be able to survive a relationship like that a second time, if things went wrong. Maybe that’s why she had Nanami close enough to reach, but not close enough to embrace.

“Tia, what is your heart telling you?” Charlotte asked, and Tiana shook her head.

“I don’t want to hear it.” Tiana’s voice seemed to crack at the end, and Charlotte knew she had to switch gears. If Tiana was so keen on ignoring her heart, surely her mind was running a mile a minute.

“Then what is that pretty little head going on about?” Charlotte pressed, and Tiana closed her eyes, trying to organize her disheveled thoughts. It’s as if Nanami were some kind of virus messing with the neurons firing in her brain.

“My head says…” Tiana chewed on her lip. “It says that I can’t replace him. I can’t replace…I can’t replace Naveen.” Tiana caught the tears forming on her waterline. “And I don’t think…” God, why was this so hard. Her hands that had been clutching the blankets were now vibrating aggressively as she shook them around, watching her writs flop about as she tried to calm herself down. “I don’t think I’ll ever love someone as hard as that. I can’t handle that again.”

Charlotte listened with intent and utmost patience, knowing that it must have been a struggle to finally get those words out, yet it must have felt so freeing at the same time. Tiana could feel it, as she swallowed the wads of spit forming in her mouth, she could feel herself striking at an exposed root, hacking away at the problem. It was indeed a step forward, but knowing her, she would undoubtedly take ten steps back.

“Tia, I want you to hear me when I say this.” Charlotte said gently, but with a slight firmness. “I think you’re looking at love all wrong.”

Tiana sniffled, wiping at her nose, which was raw. “How so?”

“When you went to Japan, did I love you any less?” Charlotte asked, and Tiana let out a pained laugh.

“Gosh, I hope not.” Tiana said, and Charlotte swallowed hard.

“Of course I didn’t. I don’t.” Charlotte said, squeezing the pillow, the statement more to assure herself than Tiana. “And though we have our moments, you don’t love me any less, do you?”

Another sniffle. “Of course not.”

“Exactly.” Charlotte said matter-of-factly, but Tiana was still confused. She tilted her head, wondering what point Charlotte was trying to make.

“So?” Tiana said.

“So…” Charlotte dragged the “o” sound with an emphasis from her southern accent. “So it’s the same way with Naveen.”

“Tiana, your love for him will never go away, just like his for you will never go away. No matter how far apart you are in body, he’s still there in spirit. It radiates off you in the same way it did when he was still here.” Charlotte said gently, tiptoeing around her words. “It’s in the hum of your voice, the swing in your step, the sparkle in your eyes…” Charlotte could have gone on forever. “It’s in the pigment of your skin.”

“Yes, that love will never go away, but no one is saying it has to.” Charlotte said. “Love can only be created, not destroyed. It can be added to, not taken away from. Those experiences, those memories, that happiness; it can’t be taken from you. It’s a part of you. It’s yours. It always will be.” Charlotte smiles, her eyes fluttering closed briefly. “It will only hurt if you give it the energy to. You hear?”

Charlotte was being as careful as possible, and Tiana could tell by the tenderness in her sister’s voice. It was so warm, so assuring. But deep down, Tiana was still pushing those thoughts to the depths of her being. Those thoughts popped up whenever Nanami got close. Whenever his voice whispered to her over the phone. He was so bright, so brilliant, almost painfully so.

And that brightness reminded her of him.

Tiana couldn’t tell Charlotte, hell, it was hard to even tell herself. Because she knew if she said those words out loud, she would have to face them like an adult. And she didn’t want to come to terms with that. She didn’t like that comparison, and it explained why she was hurting so bad. It would explain why she would become incapacitated whenever the thought would cross her mind.

Nanami, deep down, reminded her so much of Naveen.

But he couldn’t know that. She shouldn’t even think that, nor indulge in it. Because if she did, if she allowed those thoughts to become tangible, to come to fruition, she would without a doubt hurt herself. But despite guarding her own heart, she would hurt Nanami. She wouldn’t be able to live with herself if she damaged him. She couldn’t bask in his light, nor did she want to taint it. So holding him at arm's length was all she could do.

She never wanted to hurt anyone she loved ever again. And if that meant bearing a heavy heart for the rest of her life, then she would do so as penance for what she had done to Naveen. For what she had done to her little girl.

She deserved it.

Tiana realized she had sat in silence for much too long, distracted by her own thoughts. Swallowing those pesky notions, she nodded.

“I hear.” Tiana muttered. Charlotte, unable to read her friend's mind or face, sighed in content. She felt she had really gotten through to her.

“Tia, your heart is so big. It’s so full. You have so much love to give, and there's so much more out there for you to receive. Don’t hold all that in, because the more you withhold, the more the universe will keep from you.” Charlotte was sure there was a happily ever after for her sister. She felt it in her bones, because Tia was the most deserving person of that. And how convenient would it be if that happy ending happened to be with her cousin?

“You’ve worked too hard, and given too much. Suffered too much. Just, trust me.” Charlotte's voice sounded as if she were pleading. “Trust me on this one.”

“...O-okay.” Tiana said, but she didn’t finish it with “I will”. She just couldn’t fully put her heart into it. She couldn’t succumb to ideas floating about in her mind. So she changed the subject to something else, something much more important to her.

“Lottie, I wanted to apologize.” Tiana’s words were sincere, a phrase she’s wanted to say since the last time she saw Lottie. “How I acted, when you got engaged…It was unacceptable-”

“Tia,” Charlotte cut her off firmly. “You don’t have to do that.”

“But I do. I’ve thought about this for a long, long time.” Tiana stood her ground. “We’re supposed to support each other. We’re supposed to be honest with each other.”

Charlotte swallowed, her hands shaking as Tiana went on.

“I want you to know that I really, really am happy for you. I’m so proud.” Tiana smiled, exhaling softly. They were girls together, and now they were women. “I shouldn’t project myself onto you. You shouldn’t feel like you have to hide your life from me, like you have to walk on eggshells to live the life you want in order to protect my feelings. My misfortunes aren’t yours.”

“Tia…” Charlotte’s voice croaked. She had to tell her. Yeah, she was a few months late, but she just had to. This was much bigger than getting married. Having a child was life altering for everyone involved.

“Oh, I’m so happy I’m alive to see my sister get married!” Tiana squealed a bit, her mood lifting. “I mean, who else will be your maid of honor?” Tiana laughed softly.

“Tia, I…” Charlotte had to tell her. She had to tell her now, tonight. While both of them were on the phone right now, pouring their hearts out to each other. If she had to force herself to vomit the words out, she would have to.

“Tiana, I’m-” Charlotte hesitated. Tiana tilted her head, humming into the phone.

“Yes, Charlotte?” Tiana wasn’t sure if she made it up, but she could sense a bit of distress in her voice.

“I’m pr-”

Come on, Charlotte thought as she sat there frozen. Say it, say it!

“I’m pretty sure you’ll look so pretty in pink.”

Charlotte sat there, curled on the couch, having hung up the phone with Tiana almost ten minutes ago. Tiana said she was beginning to feel fatigued, so she was going to try and rest. Charlotte agreed quickly, needing to get off the line as soon as possible. And once she did, she cried silently like a coward. She just couldn’t tell her. She made a million excuses on why she couldn’t: she was already late, she was sharing such big news over the phone at that, Tiana had already gone through so much tonight. She kept trying to justify her refusal to fess up, but it didn’t lighten her heart in the slightest. All she could do was sniffle into the couch pillows, hoping Travis wouldn’t come to ask if she had finally told Tiana the truth.

She just couldn’t do it. And that was enough for Charlotte to realize that she wasn’t worthy to be Tiana’s sister, let alone her friend. She was just a hypocrite, feigning genuine care to the woman she claimed to be her other half.

How long could she put this off?

Her phone vibrated, and she sat up, wiping her eyes. It was Nanami.

“What?” She grunted, at first frustrated with herself. Then, she was reminded that Nanami was out there smacking lips with another woman.

“Er- I’m sorry?” Nanami felt strangely apologetic, like she should be atoning for something.

“Yeah, well you should be.” Charlotte grumbled, channeling her guilt to berate Nanami.

“Did I do something wrong?” Nanami asked, so clueless and unaware. He had driven to the complex, and was parked out, but he had yet to work up the courage to go up there and see Tiana. It was late, she could be exhausted, but what if she was sick? What if she had gotten hurt, which is why she couldn’t answer the phone, or worse, she never even made it home? It would be nothing to waltz up there, walk in, and check on her. But what if she was indecent, or wanted to be by herself? He had to respect her privacy as an adult, and as a woman. He didn’t have the right to intrude on places where he didn’t belong, where he didn’t have permission.

“Is Tiana okay?” Nanami asked, ignoring Charlotte’s attitude. “Did she answer?”

“She’s fine.” Charlotte said bluntly. Nanami raised a brow, the answer less than inadequate.

“Well, can you tell me what happened?”

“No.”

“No?” Nanami clutched his phone, his knuckles white. “Charlotte, I’m not asking for details, I just want to understand.” Nanami sounded so desperate. A part of him felt spurned that Tiana answered Charlotte immediately, but they had an established bond that even Nanami couldn’t get in between. He knew there would be things he would never be privy to, but he wanted Tiana to let him in, even just a sliver.

“No, Nanami.” Charlotte said firmly with a bit of bite. Nanami ran a hand through his hair, nostrils flared as he tried to contain himself.

“Are you kidding me right now?” Nanami huffs. “Come on, Charlotte-”

“Rest assured that she is fine. I mean she isn’t, but she will be.” Charlotte huffs on the other line. She was the reason Tiana was so far from home to begin with, and she would no doubt be the cause of more heartbreak. She didn’t want to share that guilt with Nanami right now, fearing that he would throw it back in her face that she was being selfish.

“Just wait for her to call you back, okay?” Charlotte’s voice grew small on the line, yet Nanami wasn’t near satisfied.

“Charlotte, if you’re still mad about me leaving-”

“I’m not.” Charlotte cut in aggressively, and that part was true. At first she was mad at Nanami because he was right, but now all she had was a feeling of self-hatred. She clears her throat, trying to contain her misplaced frustration.

“I promise, I’m not.” Charlotte strained. “She just needs some time, s'all.”

That comment infuriated Nanami, because Charlotte had left Tiana alone to “give her time”. Now look at where she was. What if Tiana-

“She won’t, Nanami. If that’s what you're thinking.” Charlotte seemingly read Nanami’s mind. “Just let her rest.”

And rest, she tried. Tiana was practically dead to the world when she was asleep, and she felt like a reanimated corpse when she came to. She tried to open her eyes, but they were swollen shut and puffy, hexagonal glints of sunlight invading her vision. Her entire body felt like lead. As she looked through her squinted eyes, she realized she was still on the couch from the night before, her limbs tangled in her blankets. Her skin was sore to the touch, as if she had ran a marathon. Her throat felt as if it were minced, to the point where it hurt to breathe; she couldn’t imagine how it would feel to actually form a sentence. And her head, it felt as if someone were drilling her brain, not to mention the high pitched ringing in her ear.

Awful wasn’t enough to describe the half of it.

She felt around for her phone, which had fallen between the couch cushions. She squinted at the phone screen, and her heart seemed to dip.

28 missed calls from Nanami. 7 unread texts.

He must have been going mad. She didn’t even have a proper excuse on why she left so suddenly. It’s not as if she were a local, Nanami was probably conjuring up the worst scenarios possible.

She scrolled through his text, reading them one by one, watching his anxiety grow stronger with each message.

Hey Tiana, where did you go?

Tiana, why aren’t you answering your phone?

Tiana?

Answer your phone.

Are you okay? Did something happen to you?

Please answer. Just let me know that you’re alright.

Tiana let out a shaky exhale, her hands trembling as she looked at the seventh message, which was sent just minutes prior to her gaining consciousness again. The message seemed a lot more calm, and a lot more put together.

Let me know when you wake up.

When she wakes up? It’s as if he knew that she had dozed off safely in her apartment.

With aching hands, she typed her message slowly.

I’m awake.

A check mark appeared next to her message, showing that Nanami had read it instantly. Had he been waiting for her message?

Can I come over?

Tiana blinked at the message, trying to process how she would answer. She’d be lying if she said she didn’t want to see him. And with each passing moment, it was taking more and more energy to denounce the intensity she felt from the previous night. She wasn’t sure if seeing Nanami when she wasn’t in her right mind was the best thing to do right now, for the sake of her sanity, nor for the sake of her body because it hurt just to twiddle her thumbs to type a response to turn him down.

Just as she was about to hit send, another message popped up that caused her to sway.

I want to see you.

And Tiana found herself yielding to his request, no holds barred.

Alright.

It hadn’t even been five minutes when there was a rapid knock on the door, Tiana's body lacked the energy to jolt, so her bloated eyes simply flitted to the door. How the hell did he get here so fast?

In truth, Nanami had been waiting outside. He sat there after his call with Charlotte in the wee hours of the morning, wondering if she had told him the whole truth. He waited, just in case Tiana stumbled past his car, or maybe came out of the complex, like a creep.

When he came to the conclusion that the night would continue to stand still, save for his fingers drumming on the steering wheel, he went home. He tried to sleep, but his mind was running a mile a minute; his brain flooded with that kiss, but a different version. With a different woman. It drove him to insanity, his body shuddering underneath his bedding against his will. So when the sun rose, he went about his morning routine, got in the car, and drove around, trying to piece together his spacey thoughts. Trying to decide what he really wanted, what he was really feeling. Instead of finding an answer, he found himself outside the complex around noon, hoping yet again that Tiana would let him in.

“Tiana, can I come in?”

His voice sounded urgent, as if he needed to hear her voice in order to confirm she was alive, to confirm the message she had just sent was some sort of automation. Tiana blinked, opening her mouth to speak, but nothing came out but a strained wheeze. It was as if someone had squeezed the air out of a rubber toy. Her throat hurt so bad, as if her vocal chords had been stretched and tied into a present bow.

“Tiana?” Nanami called out again, but she was unable to respond. She reached for her throat, eyebrows furrowed in pain and frustration. She tried to answer again, but all that came out was a set of agonizing coughs.

“I’m…I’m coming in.” Nanami sounded unsure, but continued to put in the password to her door. The four familiar beeps sounded, followed by a long one. Then the click of the door. Tiana sat there anxiously, each sound crisp in her ears as a foreboding feeling swept over her.

The door opened, and Tiana turned to look at Nanami, who despite seeming quite comfortable in his sweats, looked so disheveled, as if he had been tossing and turning all night. Honestly, he looked about as sick as she felt, dark circles shading his under eyes. His blonde hair was tousled about, and his face looked dreadful. His eyes scanned the room frantically until he finally noticed the shifting pile of blankets on the couch was Tiana, and not an abandoned mess.

Tiana couldn’t even smile properly to greet him. Without even removing his shoes, he rushed over, kneeling in front of her. It was so sudden, that Tiana jolted back, blinking rapidly.

“Why didn’t you answer?” He asked, his eye contact so intense that it felt as if Tiana was being consumed in his gaze. It made her nervous, feeling as if he were interrogating her.

Tiana opened her mouth again, shaking her head as she motioned to her throat, nothing but a squeak coming out. Nanami’s eyebrows creased, and the amount of worry pooling his eyes was irregular for two people who considered themselves friends for a couple of months. He looked at her as if he had known her for a lifetime.

“You’re sick?” He asked gently, and Tiana simply nodded her head, her eyes in a squint. Immediately, he raised the back of his hand to Tiana's forehead. She was so bewildered by the sudden contact, but his hand was cool against her flesh. It was comforting, and that feeling of shock turned into a feeling of familiarity. That same sense of security he always seemed to provide her. So instead of pulling away, she found herself leaning in.

“You're warm.” Nanami’s voice was low as he flipped to his palm, leaving a tingling sensation on Tiana’s face. “If you weren’t feeling well last night, you should have just told me…” Nanami’s voice dipped as he kept muttering to himself, or maybe Tiana had begun to tune him out. His words were a soft chastisement, mores o of worry than actual scolding. Tiana’s eyes flutter close, and she sighs. She was helpless with him, and helpless without him. Replacing his grim look with a small smile, Nanami removes his hand, looking up at Tiana, all wrapped up in blankets with a worn-out expression. She had that usual frown on her lips, but it was as if the muscles in her face were too tired to allow her brows to crease. He tilts his head, standing up from his crouched position.

“If you didn’t want to go out with me today, you could have just said no.” He jokes, folding his arms. “No need to get yourself sick to avoid me.”

In Nanami’s attempts to make Tiana laugh, he succeeded, but it not a full body laugh. It was an airy one, a rush of air expelling from her nose.

Nanami hums, looking down at Tiana. This was the second time she had become unwell in such a short period of time. Maybe she hadn’t recovered fully last time, and Nanami felt a bit of responsibility from that.

He also felt a bit of guilt from the previous night, the wild imaginations appearing in his mind from an action that was imposed on him. He should have been more tentative of Tiana. He should have left early with her, made her feel more comfortable. It should have been just the two of them.

He should have kissed her.

He would surely never make that mistake again. Never let a chance like that escape him, ever again.

“I’ll be right back. Go get comfortable.” He had a determined look, a man on a mission for sure. Tiana, who was unable to protest, simply watched him walk out of the door, closing it gently.

I shouldn’t, Tiana thought. I should just send him home.

But how could she when his mind was already made? She couldn’t just turn him away.

She didn’t want to turn him away.

So Tiana found herself in a warm bath, the water soothing her aching body, and clearing her senses slightly, but her throat felt like sandpaper with each swallow. She poked and prodded at her tender body, washing over her skin gently as she rinsed off her worries and thoughts, watching them swirl down the drain with a few sediments.

She thought of what Charlotte said, about listening to her heart. While putting on a new set of warm pajamas, she opened the door to that muscle just a sliver, just a crack, listening to its whispers of desire for only a second. She feared if they got too loud, or if she opened that door too wide, it would overtake her. She heard the same three words repeated over and over, chanting like a spell.

Indulge a bit.

Indulge-

“Tiana, I’m going to use your stove.” Nanami’s voice pulled her from her thoughts, and Tiana sat up straighter on her bed. How long had she been sitting there?

And after the last time he cooked, why did Nanami think Tiana would ever allow him to do that again?

Tiana creaks up, her joints aching as she shuffles out of her bedroom with a blanket on her shoulders, closing the door softly. She turns the corner and has multiple deja vu moments, but mainly to the most recent one of Nanami scorching her favorite pan.

He was pulling different things out of paper bags: green onions, mushrooms, carrots, a container of stock, some damn eggs. He had also taken some things from her fridge: some leftover chicken and a container of rice that she never got to eat. He moved about the kitchen as if he lived there.

Nanami perked up when he saw Tiana, wrapped in her duvet as it trailed behind her. He continued divvying up the ingredients, rinsing off utensils and knives as he prepared the meal he was about to make.

“What?” Nanami asked, as he looked at Tiana, who eased into the stool that was stationed near the counter, acting as a small island separating the two. Tiana raised her brow, eyes gesturing towards the ingredients, mainly the eggs, on the counters. Nanami follows her gaze, then scoffs lightly.

“What, you don’t trust me?” Nanami says, jutting his hip out, waving the wooden spoon he was holding in the space between them. Tiana simply pursed her lips, looking down her nose at him. He playfully brushes her off, turning his attention back to the items.

“Though you should be resting, I think it’s an honor to be viewed by a professional.” His head was down with hair falling in front of his face, yet Tiana could hear him smile as he spoke. “So, I’ll let you watch.”

Tiana found his cockiness quite surprising, yet refreshing. It was entertaining to think that he was granting her permission to watch him cook with her utensils in her kitchen, which was also in her home. It just showed that the two had reached another level in their relationship that would be impossible to step back from. Sighing in defeat, Tiana slumps on the counter, watching Nanami with prying eyes, dissecting each and every one of his movements.

She came to the conclusion that she would indulge in this moment. There was nothing wrong if she did, and it would be a missed opportunity if she didn't. And it’s not like the two were doing anything strange. She could look at this simply as one of their usual hangouts, except he was in her house, cooking for her, and willingly taking care of her and making sure she was alright.

There was nothing wrong with that.

There was nothing wrong with him being kind, and her accepting his kindness.

That’s all it was.

She watched him rinse the vegetables, placing them on the wooden cutting board one by one. In a pot on the stove, he poured the stock and turned the gas on high to bring it to a boil. The blue flame under the grates crackled with life, lapping at the bottom of the pot gently.

She watched his fingers work meticulously, holding the vegetables tightly as he sliced, diced, and minced them accordingly. The way his fingers curved to carefully avoid each sharp slice from her knife. The action created a rhythm that was almost lulling as the stock bubbled in the background like an afterthought. Tiana was content with just watching, waiting. Observing. Her elbow perched on the edge of the counter, she leaned into the palm of her hand, growing drowsy as the sounds of an active kitchen and smells of fresh ingredients, sending her into a state of composure. It reminded her of when she would watch her father cook as a child.

She heard Nanami chuckle, but she couldn’t even make a rebuttal. She just squinted her eyes, glaring into his forehead as he slid the veggies into the boiling liquids.

Nanami tried to focus on the movements of his hands, and nothing else. He couldn’t even look Tiana in the eye, because he felt ashamed of the risqué thoughts that had been plaguing his mind the past 24 hours. He felt that if he looked at her, then his body would simply melt. Even though she was as sick as a dog, she looked so adorable, snuggled up and trying to keep from nodding off. And because Tiana couldn’t exactly use her voice to communicate, her body seemed to do it for her. She seemed comfortable, relaxed. Open, even. Everything, yet nothing at all being said in the small kitchen in the light of the midday sun. Nanami could picture something similar to this everyday, for the rest of his life, really.

He wondered if Tiana felt an inkling of that.

Tiana watched Nanami all the way to the end of his process, even applauding him when he successfully cooked the eggs without her kitchen going up in smoke, which he gracefully bowed at. The two made their way to the couch, Nanami holding two steaming bowls of soup that smelled so savory. Tiana was practically salivating at the mouth as Nanami handed her the bowl gently.

“Careful. It’s hot.” Nanami warned, watching the hunger in Tiana’s eyes. He couldn’t help but wonder if Tiana had even gotten to eat the night before, the way she was eying the bowl as if it were the first meal she had in weeks.

Tiana took a spoonful, blowing on it gently to ward off the steam, and shoved it in her mouth. Her palate was definitely satisfied: the vegetables had a light crunch, the egg wasn’t runny, the rice and broth coated her throat with a soothing warmth, and the chicken was quite tender from soaking in the stock. Tiana sighed in content, swinging her feet gently. Nanami stifled a laugh; she often did some sort of dance whenever she ate something good, and it made him happy that she was dancing for his food. He was thoroughly amused as well, because she looked so damn cute right now; wide eyed as she chewed in silence.

While Tiana downed the last bit of soup, Nanami got up, strolling to the kitchen. When he returned, it was with a bottle of medicine and a measuring cap. Untwisting the bottle, he poured the dark liquid into the small cup. He hands it to her, and she takes it graciously after putting her empty bowl down.

“Here, take this. It’s going to make you a little sleepy.”

Tiana didn’t argue, following the instructions given as she tilted her head back, the consistency of the liquid like sap as it slid down her throat. The taste was nothing to gawk at, it was thick and bitter, with an oily finish. She jerked her head back, swallowing loudly as she tried not to gag, because it would no doubt hurt if she did. She threw her disgusted look towards Nanami, who sat there apologetically.

“I’m sorry, I should have told you it’d be kind of gross.” He said, leaning back into the cushions. Tiana frowned, wiping her mouth on the back of her hand, her tongue pressed into the roof of her mouth. She leans forward, grabbing the remote from the coffee table, curling back into her blanket. Nanami took notice of this, a smile itching at his lips. Was she pouting?

When Nanami said that the medicine would make Tiana sleepy, he didn’t think it would knock her out so quickly. Tiana had been flitting through the channels to settle on a movie. The title card didn’t even get a chance to show before Tiana’s head thumped onto Nanami’s shoulder, her limp hand falling to his thigh. She must have been exhausted.

Soft exhales left her nose, the blankets over her rising and falling as the television flashed across the walls of the living room. Nanami looked down at the woman, completely mesmerized, even though she had simply fallen into a slumber. She wasn’t extravagantly dressed, or doing anything that was particularly spectacular, but Nanami didn’t need that. Her presence was spectacular. The way her face looked so soft as she snored, that was extravagant enough. This was more than he could ever ask for. Why yearn for a dance in front of hundreds, when they could be in each other’s existence. Just the two of them. Something so simple, yet so fulfilling. He let her stay there a while, and he would have let her sleep there forever.

But even with these chivalrous thoughts, deep down, the provocative part of him craved a bit more. He tried not to let them form fully in his mind, but he couldn’t help the way they bubbled at the surface of his consciousness.

And when Tiana’s head lolled so hard that it fell into his lap, the bubbles began to pop.

He was unable to watch the movie anymore, and tried not to shift or move a muscle. Not even a twitch. But at the same time, he felt his skin grow hot, so much so that he began tugging at the sleeves on his sweater.

Nope, Nanami thought, shaking Tiana slightly.

“Tiana?” Nanami called gently, trying to keep his voice from raising any higher. “Tiana, you should get in bed.”

“Hm?” Tiana’s voice croaked groggily, the first vocal sound she had been able to make all day. The hum vibrated all the way to Nanami's core.

She had to get off him. Now.

“Alright.” Nanami grunted, scooping up Tiana’s upper half to lean on her side of the couch, away from him. She just slumped over, still sound asleep. Nanami reached over, picking up her exposed arm slightly, and letting it go, the limb flopping back into her lap. She was ko’ed, and would definitely be in this state for a few hours, if not the rest of the day. It wouldn’t be right if Nanami allowed Tiana to stay on the couch, all bent over awkwardly. She could hurt herself even more, and Nanami felt justified to simply put Tiana to bed himself.

And to not look into it anymore than just that.

Nanami swept Tiana into his arms, her arms and legs dangling as he cradled her. Trying not to trip over the blanket pooling on the ground, his feet carefully padded her to her room. Tiana wasn’t necessarily heavy, but she was definitely solid. Nanami was grateful that she was fast asleep so she didn’t hear or feel the way his heartbeat reverberated around his body.

Nanami fiddled with the door handle carefully as he bent over, rotating it until the door popped open. He tapped the bottom of the door with his foot softly, and it swung open.

Nanami had never been in Tiana’s room, for obvious reasons. Though it was a simple bedroom, it was the fact that it was a bedroom. Tiana’s bedroom, specifically. Nanami felt like he had diverted back into an unlawful teenager, and his skills and logic were simply thrown out the window. He was so flustered by his own sense of immaturity, shaking his head at himself as he tiptoed to Tiana’s bed with her in his arms. He gently placed her down, her body stirring slightly as she rolled onto the mattress. Nanami then took the time to tuck her exposed limbs back into her blanket, hoping that the heat would help her sweat out her fever.

Nanami stood there, looking around her room, taking it in. It had the same brown decor as outside, with hints of green. An area above her headboard had a bunch of pictures pinned into the wall, and he saw a peachy, familiar face in all of them. Majority of the pictures were all with Lottie. Pictures of the two when they were kids, teens, and early adulthood. Silly faces, smiling faces, what looked to be a prom photo. Nanami chuckled, leaning in closer to get a better look. There was one particular picture that snagged his eye; it was Tiana and Lottie, but the other half was hidden under a photo of the girls coloring on someone's wall.

Tiana had on a white dress, that was kind of in a mermaid style, with green detailing crossing over her body. There was a beautiful lily decorating her shoulder, and she wore a green tiara with a thin white veil cascading behind her like a waterfall. Lottie was wearing a green dress that had a slit down her leg, and it kind of fell off the shoulders as she held a giant bouquet of the same flower Tiana had on her dress. The two had beaming smiles, so wide that their eyes were closed, and Charlotte had a bright brush of blush across her cheeks and under her eyes, as if she had been crying. Anyone in their right mind would be able to tell that this was a wedding photo, and anyone knowing Tiana would understand why the other half was hidden.

He didn’t mean to stare so intensely. Nanami has always been one to mind his business, especially as an adult. Adults had private lives for a reason, and they opened up about those parts of their lives when they were ready and thought the other person was deserving of being let into their circle. Tiana, before Nanami, had an entire life laid before her. She had ambitions, dreams, goals. If things had played out the way Tiana had prayed for, chances are that Nanami would have just been another passing face on the street. He probably would have met her when visiting Charlotte for a holiday. Lottie would have introduced Tiana as her sister and long time best friend. Tiana, being the gracious woman that she is and being free from her current afflictions, would have kindly welcomed him in as a new found family member and friend. She’d introduce Naveen, and they would find out about their previous business relationship. She’d gush about her restaurant, the same way she does about food now with such gusto and passion. Tiana would probably have a boy, or a little girl with the same big brown eyes. Who ever it was would probably wear the same frown he mama does, because Nanami would be a complete stranger, and it would take time for her to warm up to the man. But they would be equally as ambitious, having two parents with a support system to back up their aspirations. Tiana, after that, would probably never look his way again, because Naveen would undoubtedly have her full, undivided attention.

But Nanami would undoubtedly look her way every time.

Because Nanami would, no matter when, undoubtedly fall for her every time.

And Nanami, despite it being at the expense of Tiana’s happiness, was grateful that he had a chance with her this time.

Tiana stirred slightly, her head jerking to the side, eyebrows furrowed. Nanami looked down, watching her become a bit restless, the creases in her brows becoming much more prominent with each passing second. Her eyes squeezed harder and harder, until a single tear slipped past her eyelids, and rolled down her face.

“Na…nnn…” She muttered, her left hand squeezing at something that Nanami couldn’t see. But what he could see is that her ring was still gone, the light patch of skin wrapped around her finger in its place. Was she having a nightmare about Naveen again? That must have been who she was calling out to, who she seemed to be grappling for.

Yet Nanami hoped she was reaching out for him.

“I’m sorry, Tiana.” He crouched by her bedside, his face close enough to feel her rapid exhales. “I’m sorry for deceiving you.” He took his thumb, massaging the spot in between her brows, the muscles relaxing with each roll. After the creases ceased, he wiped at her cheek and under her eye, catching the streams of water.

“But we’re the same.” Nanami whispered. “So let’s be greedy together.”

All Nanami could do was pray to whatever omnipotent being above that Tiana would forgive him when she finds out the stunts he and Charlotte had pulled behind her back. That she wouldn't misunderstand his intentions.

“Just this once, let’s indulge in it.”

Tiana’s eyes fluttered open. Her body felt heavy, but she could've sworn someone was speaking to her. But when her eyes fully opened and she exited her state of delirium, there was no one there. Just a glass of water on her nightstand and that appalling medicine Nanami had her take.

“Ugh…” Tiana croaked like a bullfrog as she sat up in her bed. She didn’t remember falling asleep here, or maybe she did? Everything from the moment Nanami came back from the store until now was muddled in her brain, like someone clipped the memories up and stitched them together in the wrong order.

Tiana knocked back the glass of water, her throat no longer sore, and instead being incredibly dry. She cleared her throat, as she felt the cool liquid seep in the crevices of her chest. Instead of grabbing the medicine, she grabbed her phone to check the time. It was 2am.

“Jesus.” She hacked, startled by her own voice. She sounded like a chain-smoker mixed the screech of a weed whacker. But at least she could speak now, even if she sounded like a man who deep fried his own esophagus.

Nanami should definitely be home by now, Tiana thought. There was no way he stayed this late, nor did he have a reason to stay this late. He wasn’t obligated to do that, and she still appreciated him taking time off his vacation to watch over her. She exhaled, feeling the loneliness creep in.

“Come on, Tia. You’re grown.” She mumbled, getting up and popping her joints. As she stretched her back, her stomach grumbled, the light soup from earlier obviously not weighing on her stomach anymore. She dragged herself out of her room, wondering if Nanami made enough for leftovers. She wasn’t going to cook an entire breakfast at two in the morning.

Tiana padded past the living room, the television still on as it lit up the darkness, but with no volume. Tiana frowned, Nanami must've left it on when he left. Maybe that’s what he did at his house, but he should have at least had the courtesy to turn it off.

Tiana shuffled to the back of the couch, leaning over it to find the remote. Instead, she saw Nanami, curled up, and fast asleep.

“Oh-!” Tiana jumped, scaring herself. She had assumed she was alone, but Nanami had stayed. He actually stayed the night. In her living room. Tiana covered her face, her skin hot as she sucked in her breath.

She heard Nanami stir, and then a shortened grunt as if he were stretching. She dropped her hands to see Nanami sitting up, scratching the back of his neck. He looked at Tiana groggily, then gave her a smile.

“You’re up.” His voice was deep as he spoke, but the cadence of his words showed that he was elated. Tiana was gobsmacked, blinking for a moment before she gave him an answer.

“I am.”

“Your voice…” Nanami pursed his lips. “Well, at least you're speaking now.” He tilted his head, his eyes half closed, somewhat muttering to himself. “I missed your voice.”

If Tiana wasn’t awake before, she definitely was now. Nanami must have still been dreaming to say something like that without even flinching. Tiana was planted there in a flustered silence as Nanami stood up adjusting his clothes, his abdomen peaking from underneath his shirt. She looked down as he walked past her, not paying attention to how shy she was being right now.

“You must be hungry, but it’s-” He paused, looking at the digital clock built into the stove, “-two in the morning. I cut some fruits up for you earlier, so I hope that’s enough.”

Nanami began moving around the kitchen, a giant bowl of fruits appearing from the fridge as he put a kettle of water on the stove.

Tiana sat in the stool by the counter, snacking on the fruits: lemons, oranges, grapes, melons, strawberries. She munched in silence, eyes trailing Nanami as she tried to understand his angle. This man, about two days ago, was smacking on another woman’s lips in a dark corridor like a two, sneaky teens trying not to get caught. And now, he was staying the night, doting on her as if everything was normal. Did this man not have any sort of guilt on his conscience?

But more so than that, did Tiana not have any shame? Because at the end of the day, she allowed him to stay here.

Because you want him to, a small voice in her heart spoke, and she found herself clutching her shirt hard, the fabric wrinkling as it scrunched against her chest.

She said she would indulge in this, and for her to fully immerse, she would have to throw all logic away.

Yet she felt like she was mocking herself, because did she really get so desperate for companionship that she was willing to play stupid?

The kettle screamed, hot, white steam spewing from its spout. Nanami picks it up by its handle, pouring it into a mug, the room filling with a strong smell of ginger. He places the mug gently in front of Tiana, and it clunks on the marble. Tiana abandons the gigantic bowl of fruit, grabbing the mug as it warms her palms. Nanami goes about, returning the kitchen back to its normal place, starting a conversation that only aided in Tiana’s confusion.

“Oh, I wanted you to do something for me.”

Tiana tilts her head, eyes glowing in the dark. “Hm?”

“Could you make me a list?”

Tiana clenched her mug. “A list?” She asked, her neck moving backwards.

“Yeah.” Nanami said nonchalantly, as if that was something they normally did. Tiana squinted her eyes. Was he drunk? Or high? “Errands that you wanted to complete over the break, things to do. I’ll take care of it for you.”

Tiana sat there dumbfounded. Enough was enough. “Why?” Her throat betrayed her as it cracked.

Nanami shrugged, rinsing out the kettle before grabbing a nearby towel and drying it off. “Well, I just thought it’d be best since you're not feeling well…” Nanami’s voice faltered a bit, losing confidence. “I’ll just…take care of it for you.”

“No,” Tiana cleared her throat, wincing. “Why…are you still here?”

Nanami just stands there, the words cutting him deep. Tiana looked a bit perturbed, the flash of the TV behind her casting an eerie silhouette onto the kitchen, reminding Nanami of the beams of the moon. Nanami opened his mouth, then closed it. He could tell her, he could tell her now, but it wouldn’t be the right time. But considering their circumstances, when would it be the right time for them?

“I-” Nanami stumbled over his words. “I just…I just want you to know that you can lean on me. You’re not alone.”

Tiana looked down into her mug, eying the tea with a frown as chunks of ginger floated about. That’s the problem. If she leaned on him, put that kind of pressure on him, she was scared that she would break him.

Or maybe, he would one day get tired of her weight and push her off him, breaking her instead.

One of them would have to give.

“You can use me.”

Nanami, saying those words to himself as some sort of prayer, didn’t think Tiana would hear them, though it was just them in the light of the tv screen. Tiana bit her lip, mustering up the courage to ask why. Why was he here, instead of with Misha? Why was he being so kind to her, when Misha was right there with an open heart? What was he thinking, wasting his time with her when he could be with someone right now who was willing to give all, and she could bear nothing but withered fruits and dried up seeds?

“Nanami, I don’t-” Tiana’s sentence was cut short, her voice at her limit as she crumbled into a fit of coughs, using her elbow to shield her face. Nanami’s lips twisted to the side as he leaned forward, pushing the mug closer to Tiana while she tried to settle herself down.

“Go ahead, drink up so you can get some rest.” Nanami said gently, walking back to the living room. Tiana caught her breath, sniveling as she took a sip of her tea. She downs it in silent gulps, trying to steady her own heart. It felt as if it were trying to leap out of her chest.

She rubs her face, pushing away from the counter, leaving the mug as she goes back to her room, feeling not only as if she had lost, but feeling as though she had been grounded. If Nanami really was doing this out of the kindness of his heart, then he didn’t have to command her around like a child.

Yet, Tiana found herself following his instructions anyway, writing a list of things she had planned to do with her spare time. Organizing some files in her office, grocery shopping, watering the plants, a few other miniscule things that she let pile up over the past few months that were starting to become big things. As she finished the list off, there was a knock on her door frame, and she turned to see Nanami there, arms crossed as he leaned on the frame.

“Is that it?” Nanami asked, gesturing with his head to the yellow notepad resting her hands, and Tiana nodded. Nanami walked over holding his hand out, and Tiana gave him the list without putting up a fight. His eyes read over the items, taking mental notes as he read.

“Alright. I’ll get started in the morning.” He headed towards the door, then turned around, having one more thing to say.

“Just call me if you need something. Okay?” Nanami coaxed her gently, and Tiana simply nodded, her head dipping in embarrassment.

“Alright, then.” He grabs the handle of her door, waving at her softly. “Goodnight, Tiana.”

“G’night, Nanami.” Tiana whispered, unable to get any louder than that. With an airy laugh, Nanami closes the door slightly, leaving a slight crack so that he could hear Tiana if she needed something.

Morning came, and Nanami got to work. First, he checked on Tiana, only to find her sprawled wildly on her bed, her arm hanging off the side. He decided to get to work while she was asleep, so he could at least be back to make her something when she awoke.

Tiana’s list involved grocery shopping, but they weren’t run-of-the-mill grocery items. Nanami knew immediately, based on Tiana’s request, that she was all about freshness. Tiana had a grocery envelope in the kitchen, and Nanami who decided to use his own money for the purchases, realized why she had such a thick envelope set to the side for budgeting. Fresh market food items were not cheap in the slightest, but it made up for it in quality. Even though Tiana’s food had a more southern background, you could taste the freshness of the eastern coastline.

After groceries, he went to a few other places the list led him to, and it caused him to learn more and more about Tiana. He found where Tiana got her vanilla scented candles. He also found where Tiana got her barrage of plants from, because she asked for more fertilizer. He found where she got those lovely yellow bulbs that added such a sentimental mood to her home. He found himself taking mental notes of her style, the things she liked, and the places she seemed to enjoy visiting. He even saw some places that he wouldn’t mind taking her to as a date.

“A date?” Nanami grumbled to himself in disbelief, shaking his head. He was getting far too ahead of himself. He hadn’t even gotten the chance to celebrate her birthday with her yet.

“When are we gonna go out for my birthday?” Tiana asked, her voice easing off of its recent wheeze, sitting on the couch as she watched Nanami re-pot one of her plants for her. Tiana decided not to fight, or think too hard for the rest of the day. Just to indulge in the feelings of warmth that were blooming in her. This, strangely, caused her to talk a lot more friendlier than usual. Maybe because she was nervous that it was all a facade.

“As soon as you get better.” Nanami said, wiping at his forehead, smearing a bit of dirt on his brow. “Which would happen quicker if you actually got some rest. We have until the 4th of January, it’s only the 28th.”

“Getting rest is boring.” Tiana said, throwing her head back in an exasperated manner. Since she had been so wired lately, having absolutely nothing to do seemed to stress her out more than being busy. When there was nothing to do, then she would have to occupy the thoughts she had been running away from.

And if she was going to be delusional, then she wanted to at least have fun as she lost her sanity.

“What about tomorrow?” She proposed, swinging her legs. Nanami paused to look at her, trying his hardest to keep a stern look, but it didn’t last long. His eyes immediately softened when he saw those big brown eyes, pleading with him, and he just couldn't say no. He sighs in defeat, throwing his hands in the air.

“Fine.” He looks away. “Only, and only if you get rest today. We can go as soon as you wake up tomorrow.”

Tiana nodded eagerly, her pleading expression turning into something quite sly. She stood up, walked towards Nanami, and attempted to wipe the dirt off his face, only to smear it more.

“You’re so soft.” She said, walking away to her room, her feet pitter-pattering on the floor.

“Yeah, yeah…” Nanami waves her off as blush spreads across his face. Only for you.

The last thing on the list was organizing her office, and Nanami could see why that particular task was dead last. Compared to the rest of her home, the office was a bit chaotic. It wasn’t horrendous, but it definitely needed some tidying. Tiana had most items labeled appropriately, and enough folders to organize the entire corporation. They just needed to be put in their right place, and it would be a great way to start the new year with a clean mind and area.

Nanami began filing, putting things away, and cleaning things off enough to where Tiana could maneuver right now if she needed to. As he was getting to the bottom of a stack of papers on her less crowded desk, he stumbled across a stack of documents that had him a bit perplexed. They were labeled for the sales department, which Tiana was interning in, but they were well above her level of clearance. Not only that, most of them had Misha’s name on them.

Again, Nanami wasn’t one to snoop, but he found himself curious as he thumbed through the files and reports. Tiana was clearly uncomfortable around the woman, so why would she have all these papers meant for her?

She must be studying her department superiors, Nanami concluded. Tiana may not like Misha, but just because you don’t like a person doesn’t mean you can’t learn from them. As Nanami came to his own interpretation, he found Tiana’s actions quite admirable. He chuckled, putting the papers back, hoping he hadn’t disturbed her studies too much.

By then, it was time for dinner. Nanami decided instead of rice soup, he would try hot pot with everything else that he had leftover from the night before, it would be a waste if he didn’t. He also didn’t think Tiana would enjoy eating the same thing twice, even if she was sick.

Nanami, from then on, knew that Tiana was a woman who deserved much more than what he could ever give. But he would try his darndest.

After finalizing the meal, he knocked on Tiana’s door. When she didn’t answer, he pushed it open a hair, peeking his head inside to see her fast asleep again, and the medicine cup empty. He didn’t want to awake her from her peaceful slumber, she looked so serene. She looked as if she were de-aging too, her face plush and the lines that were usually there seemed to have receded back into her smooth skin. This was something she desperately needed, and he was glad that he was able to give it to her.

The sun had begun to set below the horizon, casting a warm, orange glow inside her room. Everything seemed to glitter and shine, and it was definitely a scene Nanami wouldn’t mind seeing everyday. Tiana, blissfully asleep without a worry in the world. Even if he wasn’t to necessarily wake up to her everyday, seeing her at peace seemed to calm him. The energy in her home was contagious. Tiana herself was contagious.

He tiptoed over, tapping her gently. He wanted her to at least eat something before it got too late.

“Tiana, you need to eat something.” He said gently, crouching down next to her ear. “Then you can take one more dose for the night.”

Tiana groaned, turning over in frustration, refusing to leave the comfort of her bed. Nanami scoffs, shaking her a bit harder. “Come on. Then I promise I’ll leave you alone.” He said sarcastically.

Tiana protested, turning back to face Nanami, her eyes fluttering open while simultaneously trying to focus.

“Na-?” She hesitated, her nose scrunching. For a moment, in her groggy state, in the light of the dying sun, she could have sworn on her life Naveen was standing there, waking her up. Maybe it was the way the light bended around Nanami, but as the suns rays gradually became more dim, Nanami was slowly revealed to her. She scrambles up, wiping at her eyes aggressively, blinking hard a few times. She looks up at Nanami, who wearing a soft smile.

She almost said something she would have definitely regretted.

“There she is.” His voice was warm. “Come on, I made hot pot.”

Tiana, to ignore the strange apparition that woke her up, chattered away at the dinner table. Her voice was pretty much back, dipping every now and then like a teenage boy going through puberty.

“Don’t strain yourself.” Nanami chuckled. “Or I’ll have to cancel tomorrow-”

“You better not.” Tiana jabbed her chopsticks towards him. “I’ve been cooped up in this house too long; I swear I’m starting to see things.”

Nanami, completely amused now, laughed heartily. “Like what?”

Tiana couldn’t tell Nanami the whole truth. Tiana looked around, trying to find the right words to say, without sounding like an insane and insensitive asshole.

“More…times like this, I guess…” Tiana muttered, stirring the contents in her bowl. She couldn’t even look him in the eye as she gave him a piece of her. And even if it wasn’t the full truth, she meant it with utmost sincerity.

Maybe it was because the domestic routine was so familiar, or because her heart was touched at how Nanami went through great lengths to make sure she was okay. Or maybe it was something else, something that she kept pushing down into the depths of her heart. But she could see more times like this. More days like this, doing nothing but enjoying each other's company. She wouldn’t mind this becoming a permanent part of her routine.

She wondered if Nanami felt an inkling of that.

“Yeah…” Nanami muttered into his bowl, looking at the floating ingredients as Tiana’s eyes shot up towards him. Nanami tried not to cower away, he wanted to at least be able to look Tiana in the face while he said this. That way she would know that he actually means it.

“Me too…” His voice falters, and he caves, laughing at his own weakness. “I guess…”

Neither of them could fully commit to their words with confidence, yet both of them confused the sound of the other’s racing heart as their own.

The next morning, Nanami felt a finger poking his cheek, reeling him back from his recurring dream.

“Nanamiiiiii.” Tiana sang out melodically, poking Nanami’s face repeatedly as he stirred on the couch. He must have been tired from the day before, and she would have let him sleep in if half the day weren’t already gone. She felt giddy, wondering what kind of event Nanami had set up for her today.

Nanami had been muttering in his sleep for the past hour, and Tiana found herself watching over him, leaned over the couch as he spoke incoherently. He was adorable, his expression changing as he conversated with whoever was behind his eyelids.

“Nanami, it’s getting late.” She continuously poked him, her fingertips sinking into his skin. “You really shouldn't keep a lady waiting.”

Nanami’s eyes eased open, Tiana’s face hovering above his, her hair falling past her shoulder as she leaned over him, a wild grin.

She was as beautiful in his dreams as she was in his reality.

“Morning, sleeping beauty.” Tiana said, her arms folded over her pajamas. “Don’t tell me you caught my cold?”

Nanami opened his mouth, but instead of a rebuttal, it was a strained cough. He sat up, hacking into his elbow, Tiana running around the couch out of concern.

“Oh, no-!” Tiana was definitely joking at first, but if Nanami really caught her cold, she’d feel guilty for the rest of her life. “Oh my gosh, I’m sorry-”

Tiana stopped, noticing how Nanami’s coughing spiraled into laughter as smooth as velvet, lacking any sort of ailments. Tiana gapped at him, feeling utterly betrayed that he would do that to her. He stops laughing for a moment, tilting his head to look at her.

“I’m kidding.”

Tiana, with ears as hot as embers, grabbed the nearest throw pillow and shoved it in his face, knocking him back down into the cushions. She stood up, stomping to her room, Nanami’s laughter still ringing throughout her home as she slammed the door.

“I was kidding!” He calls back, in between laughter. The door opens momentarily, Tiana’s voice shouting at him, not as all threatening as she thought she sounded.

“That’s the last time I feel bad for you!”

Slam.

“At least dress warm!” Nanami called back.

Nanami kept laughing at his little prank as he got dressed in the guest bathroom located in the office, and when he left, Tiana was sitting on the couch, fully dressed with her arms folded and her lips jutted out into a dramatic pout.

“You still mad?”

…

“You can’t ignore me the entire trip, you know.”

“Hmph!”

“...That still counts as a response.”

That earned a pillow to the face for the second time that day.

Tiana stepped out of the complex first, clutching her coat to her chest. Her hands were gloved with wool, and her nose was tucked into her scarf. She stepped down the stairs into a fresh bed of snow, the element crunching under her boots. She took in the scenery, the sun beams pinching at her cheeks and the quiet wind bushing against her ears. And for a moment, everything was alright, until she noticed a man shoveling at the snow around the buildings. Her heart sank. She had been so preoccupied by Nanami, that her ring had slipped her mind.

Naveen’s ring had somehow, by some act of God, slipped her mind.

Might be a good thing, that voice said again, and she shook her head. No, it was a bad thing. A terrible thing. It was one of her only physical connections to him. How could she let something that she’d been so attached to, so dependent on, be lost and forgotten like that?

Taking a sharp inhale, she walked towards the man, who was in a black sweatsuit and a black cap. She had seen him a few times around the property from a distance, and came to the conclusion he was the groundskeeper. She never got to know his name, though.

“Hey…” Tiana’s voice came out small as she got closer to the man; he towered over her. Tiana was not a short woman, and the boots she wore had a slight heel on them, yet this burly dude who’s physique seemed to poke through his clothes could easily overtake her. His biceps were as big as her thighs, and his thighs were as wide as her head.

The man halted his shoveling, turning to glare down at the woman. A few strands of black hair peaked underneath his cap, and his eyes were as blue and mysterious as the depths of the arctic. He had a nasty scar on the side of his mouth, and Tiana hated to prejudge since she’s been subject to that a lot since she has been here, but he looked like an absolute ruffian. He may be the groundskeeper by day, but he could be a purse snatcher after hours. Tiana rocked on her feet, nervous.

“Hi, um, I’m sorry to bother you-” Tiana rambled, unable to return the man's intense stare. “I know you’re really busy, but I dropped something very important, very sentimental to me. A ring.” Tiana said, using her hands to speak. “It’s a silver band. I dropped it out here a few days ago…so if you find it, could you please return it to me?” Tiana peaked up at him, only to immediately look back into the snow as she shoved her hands in her pockets. “I’d, uh, really appreciate that.”

Tiana looked up, her lips skewed to the side, awaiting the man’s response. He looked at her for a moment, then nodded, returning his attention back to the snow.

“Haha, great!” Tiana said awkwardly, backing up. “Thanks again, I really appreciate it.” Tiana said, giving a thumbs up, but the man paid her no mind. Tiana turned quickly, smacking herself in the forehead as she walked towards Nanami, who had just stepped downstairs.

Nanami, who had been watching the exchange from afar, raised a brow as Tiana walked up to him. “What did you want with him?” He asked, looking back at the man.

Tiana looked at Nanami to answer, then remembered she was supposed to be giving him the silent treatment. She simply folded her arms, turning away from him with her nose in the air.

“Hmm…”

“Oh, come on.” Nanami chuckled, wisps of white leaving his lips. “You can’t still be mad.”

Tiana ignored him, instinctually walking towards Nanami’s car, but Nanami grabbed her wrist, tugging her the opposite way.

“We’re actually walking this time.” He said, pointing towards the gate. Tiana let Nanami pull her in silence.

As Nanami began walking the trail to the gate, his mind wandered back to Tiana talking to the man, and how reluctant she was about telling him about it. His lips pursed, only one thought crossing his mind.

Was that the type of guys Tiana was into?

The two walked in silence, Nanami with a warm grip on Tiana’s wrist, the leather squeaking. The two ended up at a bus terminal not too far away, Tiana had passed it during her routes quite a few times on her little trips. She looked at Nanami, curiosity taking over her as they walked into the building.

“Where are we going?” She asked. Nanami looked down with a glint in his eyes.

“Oh, now you’re talking to me?” He says, and Tiana’s nose scrunches, the way that it does when she’s about to say something witty.

“Just in case this turns into a slasher film. I gotta be prepared.” Tiana shrugged. Nanami chuckled.

“I promise, I won’t hurt you.”

Tiana raised a brow, scoffing. “Who said you’d be the one doing the hurting?”

Tiana had never been into the bus terminal, because she never really needed to go in there. It was like a smaller version of an airport, and definitely not like the bus stops back home. Nanami led the way, scanning his phone at the ticket booths with ease. Tiana just took notes, watching the people bustling about traveling for the new year with duffels and suitcases. It was so lively.

Nanami led the way on the bus as well, scanning his phone, and pulling Tiana towards the seats located in the center of the vehicle. He let go of her wrist, letting Tiana sit on the inside, and he sat on the outside, their shoulders touching as they squeezed together.

After a few more passengers got on the bus and settled, the vehicle moved forward towards their mysterious destination.

Tiana watched the scenery change from a bustling city with tall buildings, to curvy roads and jagged mountain ranges with salted tops. She pressed against the window, watching hordes of trees whiz by, and a few barren branches. The clouds in the sky swelled in gray lumps, but other than that it was very bright out. Tiana felt her ears popping due to the pressure and elevation change. She tapped her feet on the floor of the bus, turning back to Nanami who looked at her with wonder.

“Where are we?” She smiled, eyes shimmering. Nanami simply laughed, looking out the window himself.

“You’ll see.”

The ride was about an hour long, and when they stepped off the bus, Tiana read the sign on the red brick building. It said Zao Bus Terminal, obviously quite some ways from Yamagata. Tiana sniffed the air, a scent of sulfur mixing in with the scent of fresh snow. They seemed to be surrounded by hills, as if they were in a huge bowl. There were shopping centers and stalls, a few restaurants, and a road paired with a sidewalk that went uphill. Nanami grabbed Tiana’s hand, pulling her along the slanted road.

“Come on, birthday girl.”

Fingers knitted together like twine, it felt as if a fire were swelling in their palms. Tiana just followed his lead, face tucked into her scarf so Nanami wouldn’t turn around and see the goofy smile she was sporting. But Nanami himself refused to turn around, because he was wearing the same one.

Nanami pulled her into a nearby store, and when Tiana saw the products, she realized what was happening.

“No way.” She said, looking around to see the abundance of snow gear: snowboards, skiing poles, snow boots, goggles, the whole nine. There were also a few souvenir items, like snow globes and dog tags, but they obviously didn't come all this way for a damn keychain.

“Way.” Nanami beamed, walking straight to the counter, Tiana still in hand.

Tiana had never been skiing before. Yeah, she’s played in the muddy snow, making tanned snowmen and having a snowball fight or two with Lottie. She’d been ice skating once, but got her fingers run over and swore she would never subject herself to that type of pain again, fearing the next time her fingers would get sliced off. She could just picture Nanami laughing at her as she got a face full of snow.

“You did this on purpose, didn’t you.” Tiana mumbled, her cheeks burning as they treaded up the beginner slope. She had traded her heeled boots for some more appropriate shoes. Nanami helped her strap into the skis, and he decided to choose a snowboard. Their hoods were up, the wind whipping wildly the higher in altitude they got. “You just wanted to laugh at me.”

“What, me?” Nanami feigned being offended, mouth gaped open. “Never.”

“Don’t think you’re hot stuff…” Tiana grumbled, her legs wobbling like a newborn deer. “I’m a quick learner.” As she was ending her sentence, she slipped forward slightly, Nanami catching her at the waist before she planted face first into the snow. That action alone took away from her credibility, and Tiana gritted her teeth as she mentally smacked herself.

Nanami chuckled, pulling her upwards, putting his hand on the small of her back to guide her.

“I believe you.”

Tiana grew up by water, the liquified version of snow. She was a swimmer by heart, and had great sea legs on a boat. Tiana learned, very quickly, that those sea legs meant nothing to this harsh terrain. The snowy hills could careless about her water expertise.

“You almost had it!” Nanami called from the base of the slope. “You gotta bend your knees!”

The sun was peeking behind one the mountains in the distance and the slope lights had turned on, causing the snow to flashback into her eyes. Her body was covered in flurries and wet patches from falling again, and again, and again. But she kept getting up, and kept trying, because Nanami kept encouraging her. Honestly, if it weren’t for Nanami being there, Tiana would have simply rolled down the hill, and all the way to the bus terminal. But each time Tiana fell, Nanami would be there to pull her up with gentle praises. Soon, falling actually became fun, because Nanami was there, waiting earnestly to catch her.

Tiana huffed, positioned herself at the top of the slope. It wasn't steep in the slightest, but she was yet to clear it all the way to the bottom. Nanami slid down easily, and Tiana knew this was something he had done habitually.

“Okay…” Tiana’s voice whisks into the air, looking down at Nanami who was waving his arms in the distance. “I can do this. I can do this.” She chanted, trying to gain confidence before pushing off, and sliding down the slope.

She inched down at a snail's pace, but it was the only amount of momentum that she could control right now. She went over Nanami’s instructions, applying and correcting her body.

Be calm, she thought. Square your shoulders, angled toes, lean…

Tiana curved down the slope successfully, feeling herself grow giddy. She repeats the same motion again, curving the other way. She straightens her skis, sliding down the slope, growing more and more proud.

“Look, look, look!” Tiana called, her voice carrying down the hill. “I’m doing it! I’m- woah!” Tiana hit a sharp turn on her skis, steadying herself with her poles. Nanami laughed, watching her with cautious eyes.

“Careful!” He called, watching her pick up speed, sliding towards him. “Look! You’re a natural.” He beamed.

“I got it!” Tiana yelled, curving down the hill, her knees shaking from excitement. “I got it! I-”

Her left ski gets caught underneath the right one, and she tumbles forward, rolling down the rest of the slope, nothing but darkness as she squeezed her eyes to block out the cold, wet snow.

“Woah-!” She hears Nanami yelp before she clips him up, the two falling like bowling pins into the snow. Tiana lays there, her limbs entangled with Nanami’s, staring up at the midnight sky.

“Pft-” She snickers, spiraling into laughter as her blood rushes into her ears. Nanami, who was laying across her stomach, raised his head from the snow, his face covered in white. It was in his coat hood, and the flurries were caught in his brows and lashes. He laughed, rolling off Tiana, and standing up. Tiana immediately lifted her arm, Nanami pulling her with ease.

“I…didn’t have it.” Tiana giggles, dusting herself off.

“You did pretty good for your first time.” Nanami chuckled, snowboard in hand. He grabbed the poles that had scattered to the ground, tucking the rentals under his arm, and he used his free hand to grab Tiana’s, their fingers nestling into each other as if they were made to fit that way.

As the two trudged through the snow, Tiana looked around, noticing the illuminated snowy lumps. Before, she hadn’t paid much attention to them, because she was too busy eating snow through her nose. But as the sun dipped below the horizon, mixed with the lights brightening the path, the lumps looked like creatures prowling in the dark.

“That’s so cool…” Tiana muttered, careful with her steps as she glided along.

“Pretty isn’t it?” Nanami asked, looking into the distance. “They’re known as the resident snow monsters. They get a bit bigger in February, though.”

“We’ve gotta come back, then.” Tiana said, determined. “I can’t be stuck on the bunny hill my entire life.”

Nanami decided to push his luck.

“It’s a date, then.”

Tiana almost tripped over her skis again, her eyes wide. Maybe snow had gotten in her ears.

“A date?” She asked for clarification. Nanami turned around, the tip of his nose red, with an anxious expression as if he had something he shouldn’t have.

“Is that alright?” He mutters, halting his steps. Tiana stands there with wide eyes, unable to go forward or backwards, simply at a standstill. Nanami swears that he can see the entire sky shining in those eyes, they way they glimmered in the dark. She nods her head gently, her free hand over her heart.

“That’s fine.” She responds.

Nanami had never wanted February to come so fast.

After returning the rentals, Nanami took Tiana from shop to shop around the prefecture. It started off as just window shopping until Tiana’s eyes began to sparkle, a beautiful green winter coat catching her eye in a store's display. It didn’t look much different from the one she had on now, except it had fur as the trim, but Nanami had learned that Tiana loved anything green. Well, besides frogs, anyway.

“Do you want it?” Nanami asked as the orange lights shone on them. Tiana rocked back and forth on the balls of her feet, chewing on her lip.

“I don’t know…” Tiana said. “You’ve paid for so much today already.”

“But it’s your birthday.” Nanami emphasized.

“It was my birthday.” Tiana corrected him. “I don’t want to seem greedy, I’ve had a lot of fun today. The best birthday I’ve had in a long time.” She gave him a wide smile. Tiana’s past five birthdays had been unbearable, even with Lottie around to cheer her up. But Nanami made it one that she wouldn’t forget for years to come.

“Well the fun doesn’t have to end here.” Nanami shrugged. “Come on, think of it as an apology for this morning.” He said, referring to his little “prank”. Tiana hummed in thought, her eyes squinting at him.

“I don’t know…” Tiana muttered, and Nanami sighed dramatically.

“That’s a shame…” He said, digging into his pocket. He then pulled out an obsidian colored card between his index and pointer, the surface glinting in the light. “I’ve been wanting to break this in.”

Tiana’s jaw dropped, her eyebrows arched all the way to her hairline.

“Is that…a black card?” Tiana gaped. Nanami flipped the card over a few times, smiling deviously.

“Came with the promotion.” He said proudly, flashing his teeth.

Tiana was thoroughly impressed. Nanami wasn’t one to gloat or brag, she knew he was simply sharing his success with her, and she was genuinely proud. Nanami was reaching heights that he’d been working so long for, and the fact that he wanted to use his newfound wealth on Tiana first instead of himself made her feel guilty, considering she didn’t even celebrate with him properly.

“Maybe…” Tiana eyed the card, a sly smile appearing on her face as she help up her pointer finger. “Maybe just one thing…” Nanami simply tilted his head.

“Just one?” He egged her on, and Tiana laughed, folding her arms.

“How about this?” She proposed. “I buy something, you buy something. That way we can celebrate each other.”

Nanami tapped the card on his chin, staring up at the sky as if he were seriously contemplating it.

“That’s not a bad proposition, very business-like.” He said, turning back to the coat in the window. “So, what do you say?”

Tiana turned to the window, but instead of focusing on the garment, she saw another woman. A bright-eyed woman, covered in snow, looking as if she were having the time of her life. The face of a woman who didn’t want tomorrow to come at all.

Tiana had seen a black card once before, the object belonging to Naveen. He always tried to get her to have her way with the card, and she would always decline. She felt as if she were undeserving, or that she would become spoiled and lose her work ethics. At the end of the day, she didn’t want to owe him.

But right now, she owes it to herself. She owes it to the woman smiling back at her in the window. She said she would indulge in this, and dammit, she was going to have a good time doing it. This was her day. This was her moment. Their moment. She exhales sharply, raising her gloved hand tapping her finger on the window.

“Charge it.”

Tiana didn’t think the night could get more entertaining, but Nanami proved her wrong. They took turns, traveling the streets of Zao jumping from shop to shop, trying on clothes, trying steaming street foods, or checking out smaller souvenir shops. Since Tiana purchased a coat, Nanami decided to buy a statuette for Tiana’s living room. Tiana tried to say it didn’t count, but Nanami told her that she didn’t specify that the purchase must be made solely for the buyer.

The two laughed until their stomachs hurt, and walked until their soles cramped. Everything felt so light and airy, as if the two were levitating an inch above the ground. They finally got to the last shop on the strip, a souvenir store, Tiana wanting to stop and buy a few things to commemorate the moment.

“We’ll be back in February.” Nanami said, watching as she picked up t-shirts and pressed them to her chest to see how they looked.

“I know, but I want to remember right now.” Tiana responded, picking up the dark green one Nanami knew she was going to get anyway. Laughing through his nose, Nanami walks to the shirts, picking out one for himself too.

“You’re right.” He says not wanting to jinx himself, and Tiana rebuttals with a quick “I always am”.

Nanami checks his phone, the time nearing 10pm. He walks to Tiana, her back towards him as she looks for a cute keychain. He places his hand on the small of Tiana’s back, causing her to jolt. He leans down slightly, his lips a few inches from her ear.

“It’s getting kind of late.” He says gently. “If we want to catch the bus back, we’ll have to leave now.” He offers. “Or, we can stay the night. It’s your choice.”

Tiana clutched the shirt in her hands. The air about them seemed much different than usual, a lot thicker. Maybe it was his hand gently holding her, or their proximity, Tiana’s brain short circuited for a moment.

Was this alright?

Was this going too far?

Tiana had second thoughts at first, a strange sense of intuition telling her that leaving right now at this very moment would save her from their impending doom. But she brushed it off as quickly as it came.

It’s not like they would be doing something raunchy, they would simply stay the night. It didn’t mean anything, it didn’t have to mean anything. It was only wrong if Tiana thought of it that way. They were adults. Tiana smiles, but her eyebrows were furrowed a bit.

“The fun doesn’t have to end here, right?”

The two sat in the back of a cab that was to take them to the place they were staying that night. Nanami was able to rent it immediately even on such short notice, almost as if they were awaiting his call. They eased past cute little cabins and frosted trees, but Tiana couldn’t even focus on that. She kept tapping her feet, nerves shot as her mind raced with a billion different things.

Nanami wasn’t expecting something from her tonight, was he?

No, of course not! He wasn’t that kind of man. He’s kind…

Maybe a bit too kind…

Does a kind person kiss one woman one day then spend the night with another the next?

Is he actually a womanizer?

What am I doing?

I don’t think I’m ready-

“We’re here.” Nanami said getting out of the cab. He goes to the trunk, grabbing the few shopping bags that they had. Tiana, snatched out of her train of thought, fumbled with her seatbelt before it finally released, and she exited the car.

Nanami, with bags in one hand, walked up the stoned pathway, Tiana trailing behind as quiet as a mouse as she fiddled with a loose string on her glove. Nanami reached into a fake potted plant next to the door, picking up a silver key. He inserted it into the lock, and turned it, the door popping open with a long creak. Nanami enters, flipping on the lights by the door. The entire place illuminates with a warm yellow glow, revealing an adorable wooden lodging with couches surrounding a dark fireplace. The logs that made up the house were smooth and light, opposing the dark leather furniture that was decorated with pillows and blankets. There was a small table in the middle of the couches, and not too far from the fireplace was a record player and a stack of vinyl. There was a small kitchenette, but they wouldn't be using it because they brought food with them. There was also a narrow hallway that had three closed doors.

“Laundry room is the first door on the left, and your room is right next to it. Mine is on the right.” Nanami said, wiggling out of his shoes. Tiana released a breath she didn’t know she was holding, relief flooding her body. She knew Nanami didn’t oppose sleeping on the couch, considering he slept on her for almost two days, but the fact that there were two rooms and not one made her feel a lot more comfortable.

“Kk.” Tiana says, grabbing the bags that were her. She felt so stiff as she bent down, as if she had become a doll. Why was she feeling this way now? After all the fun that she had, why did she have to ruin it?

“Are you okay?” Nanami calls after Tiana, who he had noticed had gone a bit quiet. Tiana looks up, about to say she was fine, but she couldn’t lie to Nanami, not when he looked at her with those soft brown eyes. He looked so concerned, and guilt began to eat at her. Because at the end of the day, Nanami had done all this for her, and she felt like she was throwing it back in his face because she couldn’t keep her mood in check. Because she couldn’t keep her feelings in check.

“I…I want to talk to you…” Tiana said, a bit uneasily. “About something important.”

She had to be honest with him, and this was the first step.

Nanami, sensing how serious she was, nodded his head.

“All right. Let’s get settled and talk over dinner.”

Tiana showered quickly, putting on her souvenir shirt and a pair of random basketball style shorts she bought, psyching herself up. She knew she wanted to talk to him, but she couldn’t pinpoint where she wanted to start. She didn’t want to dive too deep into her own feelings, because she wasn’t ready to take that leap of faith just yet. She didn’t want to talk about Misha, because that would lead right back to point a, in addition to leaving a sour taste in her mouth. But since they were being open on this trip, and it was just the two of them, then she would have to seize this opportunity. Airing everything out before they got back, getting a clear understanding of each other. Maybe drawing a more defined line, or erasing one. Tiana wasn’t sure, but she knew tonight would have to be a step forward for her. For them.

She scratches her ring finger, picking up her clothes from today, and taking them to the laundry room. After putting them in the machine, she goes to the living room to see a few takeout containers on the coffee table, and Nanami lighting the fireplace. A bright orange blaze crackles to life, and Nanami pokes it with the iron poker, adjusting the logs. He looked deep in thought, as if he were contemplating something. He was also wearing his souvenir shirt, and a long pair of sweatpants.

He turns to the table, sitting crisscrossed, finally noticing Tiana’s presence. He smiles gently, motioning for her to have a seat.

“Hope you’re still hungry, at least.”

The two eat in silence, neither wanting to burst the bubble of silence. Both were anxious of what the other would say, and how the other would react. How they themselves would react to what they hear, if it was something they wanted to hear in the first place. So Nanami decided to take the first step, opening the floor for Tiana who could barely eat with her utensils. She was shaking so bad that her food kept falling off just inches from her mouth.

“What did you want to talk about?” Nanami asked gently. Tiana could barely chew her food because he jaw was so tight, simply just swallowing it whole. She cleared her throat, trying to work up the nerve.

“I, um…” Tiana started, looking up at Nanami who had a troubled expression in his eyes. And just like that, Tiana faltered.

“I lied…” Tiana muttered. Nanami’s brows creased, and he leaned in.

“You lied?” He asks, still concerned. “About what?”

“I, um…I actually can dance…” Tiana stalled. Nanami just blinked at her, not really understanding.

“What?”

“The night of the gala,” Tiana’s memories became vivid as she spoke, “When you asked me to dance, I said I had two left feet. I lied.”

Nanami didn’t look convinced, his lips still downturned slightly. “Are you sure that’s what you wanted to talk about?” He encourages her, but Tiana can’t do anything but shrug.

Nanami sighs, dropping his chopsticks, but he doesn't look mad at all.

“Tiana-”

“It’s just-” Tiana rushed out, rambling as she got close to the problem, but not actually touching the root of it. “There were so many people, and I got nervous…but I really wanted to celebrate with you, I just…I couldn’t.” Tiana felt herself getting worked up, the emotions from that night beginning to overwhelm her. “I’m sorry…I just…I don’t know.”

Nanami’s face had softened from anxious to one of empathy, as if he understood Tiana’s incoherent string of thoughts. As if he didn’t need her to finish, he already fully comprehended her before she spoke.

“Tiana, I should be the one apologizing.” Nanami’s voice caresses her ears, his tone soothing. “For more things than one, really.”

“I should have been more considerate of you. That is not your fault. Your comfort is much more important than any award to me. I got carried away, I should have made sure you were okay with that first.”

Tiana let out out a shaky breath, a bit of the weight lifted off her spirit. She let out a dry laugh, tilting her head as tears collected on her waterline.

“I still feel awful though. Especially after all this…” Tiana motioned around her, acknowledging the beautiful cabin. “You always go out of your way for me, and I can’t even give you a dance.”

The two sit in silence, the fire popping in hearth.

“What about now?” Nanami punctures the silence once more. Tiana looks at him, confused.

“What?”

Nanami gets up, walking towards the vinyl player, thumbing through the selection. He picks one, sliding it out of its casing, and placing the black object onto the platter. He picks up the tone arm, gently placing the stylus on the oversized disk, and switches it on. The sound is distorted momentarily, before a beautiful, swing melody blares from the speakers.

“There’s no one here now, so…” He walks toward Tiana, his hand outstretched as he waits patiently. His eyes were dewy, cheeks tinged pink as he stood there.

Tiana looked at his hand, to Nanami, to his hand again, then settled on Nanami again. She wipes at her eyes with the back of her arm, a painful smile on her face. She just couldn’t deny him.

“You’re so soft.” She jeers, taking his hand. He pulls her up gently, mirroring her expression.

“Then what does that make you?” He asks softly, and Tiana knows her answer immediately.

“A fool.”

The two dance to each song, getting lost in the intricate rhythms as they move to the beat of their own hearts. Tiana showed Nanami a few steps: the charleston, the twist, basic little party steps that she picked up growing up in the south. Though Nanami dusted Tiana in the snow, Tiana definitely beat him here. Nanami wasn’t the most coordinated when it came to expressing himself through type of movement, and Tiana felt her inhibitions melt away with each howl and roar. Nanami didn’t care if he ended up being the butt of the joke, he was just happy that Tiana was unwinding again.

The fourth track on the vinyl ended, leaving the two breathless and slightly sweaty as they laughed. Tiana clutched her stomach, her laughter settling into staggered giggles, until a melody all too familiar began to play, the blues piece causing the boiling temperature around the room to convert to a simmer.

Look at me.

Tiana screeched to a halt, freezing as the singer sang the song. The same song she danced to with her father in the kitchen. The same song that just so happened to be her and Naveen’s first dance.

The same song Tiana heard before watching Nanami kiss another woman.

Each memory attached to this song was so painful, so lucid, so graphic that it evoked a physical reaction out of her, which is why she stayed as far away from it as possible.

I’m as helpless as a kitten up a tree.

And it feels like I’m clinging to a cloud.

Nanami tugged at Tiana’s hands that were hugging her waist, clasping them into his own, Tiana’s stomach dropping as his was filled with butterflies.

I can’t understand.

I get misty just holding your hand.

Tiana follows Nanami’s commands mindlessly, dropping her hand on his shoulder as his hand goes to her waist, in a polite manner. Nanami squeezes her hand, where they were still joined, closing the space. Chest to chest, their hearts picking the pace at which they moves. His head on her right side, and her face on his left, unable to read each other’s faces, simply trying to communicate with their bodies since words seemed to fail.

Walk my way.

And a thousand violins begin to play.

The two swayed to the song, the soft snares ricocheting in the souls of their feet. Nanami, too shy to speak, squeezed Tiana’s hand again.

Or it might be the sound of your hello.

That music I hear.

I get misty whenever you’re near.

Tiana felt as if she were going to black out, and she squeezed Nanami’s shoulder, which he would have mistaken as reassurance if her nails weren't digging into his skin so harshly. He pulled away, looking into Tiana’s eyes, which seemed dilated, as if she were seeing something that he couldn’t.

“Tiana?” He asks, but she doesn’t respond.

Can’t you see that you’re leading me on.

But it’s just what I want you to do.

He grabs her chin, tilting her head up, searching for something as she stares blankly into nothing. To Nanami, it looked as if she were looking straight through him, when in Tiana’s eyes, phantoms kept appearing where Nanami should be. Shadows of her past, visions of despair, hallucinations that deprived her.

Don’t you notice how hopelessly I’m lost?

That’s why I’m following you.

“Tiana?” Nanami calls again much more urgently, grabbing her face, forcing her to look at him. As if something in her brain had clicked, her eyes watered profusely, Nanami finally in her sights. She shudders, her body jumpstarting as she gasps. She blinks for the first time in a minute, the tears sliding down Nanami’s hand.

“I’m sorry, I can’t.” Tiana said, shaking her head. “Can you…can you turn that off, please?”

Nanami obliges, quickly pulling away, and snatching the stylus off the record, the sound scratching so hard that Tiana cringes, covering her ears. Not just from that, but can hear them. She could hear her father's low chuckles. She could hear Naveen's laughter being carried away with the melody.

She could hear Nanami call out Misha's name so affectionately.

Nanami wants to choke himself, hands clenched as he is unable to face Tiana. He had gone way too far this time. He had definitely crossed the line. Tiana clearly was not ready.

“I’m sorry.” He apologized. “I got carried away…”

“No, it’s not that-” Tiana shakes her hands, the nerves expelling from her fingers as she paces around the living room. Then her mouth exploded like an overflowing dam, the pressure releasing and dropping a bomb on their entire night. “I saw you. I saw you kiss Misha.”

Nanami whips around, confused at first, Tiana’s words throwing him for a loop. But Nanami then realizes that he had rewritten the kiss so many times in his brain, dreamt about so many different scenarios, that he really began to believe that the moment was shared with Tiana instead. He forgot that Misha was the one to defile his mouth, instead of Tiana blessing it. He had tricked himself.

Nanami began to spiral, putting the pieces together. That’s why she ran out on him. That’s why she wouldn’t answer him. That’s why she was so hesitant with him at first, their relationship feeling as if it had been set back to that dry car ride in July. If he put himself in Tiana’s shoes, seeing someone share such intimacy with one person one day, then seeing them turn around trying to serenade someone else was a complete dick move. He didn’t know how to properly clear up the situation, so he stupidly said the first thing that came to mind in a panic.

“It wasn’t like that.”

Tiana stopped, her arms flopping uselessly at her side as she looked at him in disbelief.

“So you two weren’t swapping spit in the dark?” She laughed sarcastically, feeling herself grown more upset the more she thought about it. It was not supposed to come out this way, but since they were already here, she might as well.

Nanami felt himself get defensive. “She kissed me, she was drunk-”

“Oh, yeah, she was drunk.” Tiana cut in while using air quotations, nodding her head aggressively. “Because fruit ciders really do you in.”

“I know you don’t like her, but at least believe me.” Nanami felt his voice pitch, because that was a lot for him to ask, considering their circumstances. “Trust me, at least.”

“It’s not about me liking her!” Tiana yelled. “You know why? Because she’s been a shit person, you don’t even know the half of it-”

“I’m trying to know!” Nanami yelled back, his composure deteriorating, but he was so frustrated. “I don’t understand, I thought you two were friends-!”

“We’re not!” Tiana shrieks, her voice echoing around the room. “Everyone only thinks that because she’s playing in my face, and I don’t like that.” Tiana’s voice levels as her frown deepens, her nose upturned so high she could probably smell the stars. “I don’t like that, and I don’t like her.”

Nanami could not understand why Misha pushed Tiana’s buttons so badly. He couldn’t understand why there was so much static between the two, even after they made up.

Unless…

“Are you sure that’s the reason you don’t like her?”

Nanami must have hit a nerve, because Tiana’s eyes became saucers. Regaining her anger, she shakes her head in disdain, her voice low and threatening.

“Nanami,” She says, her nostrils flaring, “Do not test me. Not tonight. It's not funny.” She puts her palm on her forehead, turning around to walk towards her room. “Let’s just go to bed.”

“Now you want to go to bed?” Nanami followed behind her, right on her heels. “You said that you wanted to talk about something important.” He cut around the couch to beat her to the hallway, blocking her path. “If it’s bothering you that much, then we should talk about it.”

“I don’t want to anymore.” Tiana snapped, waving her hand in the air dismissively. “Just drop it.”

Nanami ran a hand through his hair, the strands flopping back into place. “Tiana, I hate pushing you-”

“Why?” Tiana scoffs, butting in again. “You think I can’t handle it? You think I’m fragile?” Tiana was projecting her own interpretation of herself onto Nanami, and he could feel himself slowly losing it.

“No, it’s just I hate when you do this!” His voice was in the tone of a whisper, but still holding the same passion as his neck strained. “I just want you to talk to me! You don’t ever have to handle anything alone. Just talk to me! I'm right here!”

Tiana wiped at her face, angry tears rushing out now. She couldn’t believe how shit everything had turned. The veil had been lifted, the clock had struck midnight, and carriage turned back into a pumpkin.

“It won’t make any sense…” She said, irises swimming as she looked everywhere but at Nanami. Nanami put his hands up, pleading with Tiana at this point.

“Tiana, when have we ever made sense?”

“Kento, please-”

“You tell me almost everything!” Nanami got a bit closer to Tiana, trying to make eye contact with her, but she refused. “I understand there are some things that are too close to home, but Misha- every time she’s brought up you shut down on me without any explanation-”

“Because!” Tiana’s voice peaks again, seething now as she shares the information that had been weighing on her heavily for a while now. “Because I’ve known how she’s felt about you for weeks now. Weeks!” Tiana shouts, jabbing her pointer finger at the ground. “And after knowing that, it made me realize how unfair I am to you.”

The house grows still, the sound of the record spinning on the turntable, and the hiss of the fire that made the room a blistering temperature now. Emotions were high, and Tiana found herself vomiting the truth that had been gnawing at her insides.

“You make me so happy, Nanami.” Tiana admits, tears pouring from her eyes so horrendously that she couldn’t even see the face he was making. Honestly, she didn’t want to see it, just in case her heart was ripped out and stomped on. “You…I can’t even properly voice how you make me feel, because I’m scared. I’m scared because I can’t promise you anything beyond this.”

Nanami stands there, breathless, watching Tiana crumble before him. This isn’t what he wanted. This is not how the day was supposed to go.

“This?” Nanami mumbled, and Tiana felt like he was being clueless on purpose.

“This, Nanami!” She pointed in between themselves. “Beyond us. Beyond where we are right now. It’s selfish of me, but I just can’t do it. My heart can’t take it. Misha she-” Tiana’s words are interrupted by a sob, because she just can’t say that part. She can’t admit that Misha is there for him, ready to be swept off her feet while Tiana was still wallowing in her misery. She couldn’t admit it out loud, because then it would become fact, no longer a figment of her imagination. “I can’t watch you go. But I have no right to make you stay.”

Nanami seemed to forget what oxygen was as he listened to her words. Tiana said that she couldn’t bear to watch him go. She couldn’t stand the thought of Nanami turning away. But that second line, that second sentence irritated the fuck Nanami. Because who said that Nanami was being forced to stay? Why did Tiana make it seem as if Nanami was doing this against his will?

He wanted to stay. He wanted that more than anything. And even though Tiana had a roundabout way of saying it, she wanted him just as badly too. She just wasn’t confident yet, and Nanami would do anything right now to reassure her.

That look.

Tiana knew that look.

It was the same look her secret prom date in high-school had when he saw her in her dress.

It was the same look Naveen had when he would come visit her during work, watching her from afar.

Buttery eyes, slanted low. Gaping lips, stammering to find the right words. Knitted brows, twitching hands.

Don’t do it, Nanami.

“Tiana, I-”

“Nanami.” She stopped him so quickly that she barely heard her own name. “Nanami, don’t you dare.” She became hostile, her eyes glowering at him as she looked up. Nanami gave a single laugh, looking around the house as if to find the joke.

“If you know what I’m going to say, then dammit-”

“Nope!” Tiana yelled, covering her ears like a child throwing a tantrum. She couldn’t do this. Not tonight. Not like this. “Nope, nope, nope, lalalala-!” She began walking back to the living trying to put as much distance between them as possible. Anything to avoid that phrase. Anything to avoid those three words.

“Tiana,” Nanami was absolutely stupefied. He grabbed her wrists, pulling them from her ears as he pulled her closer, but she still refused to look at him. “Tiana-”

“Nanami, please.” She said looking down. Her hands were in fists as tears splattered on the wood by his feet. She sounded so weak, so defeated. “Please don’t do this to me.”

“Tiana.” Nanami pleaded, wanting her to look at him so badly, to at least let him see her face. “Tiana, I swear I don’t mean to overwhelm you-”

“Then stop talking.” She seethed. Nanami bites his tongue, letting go of Tiana, who immediately went to hug herself, clutching at the sides of her shirt.

But even so, Nanami couldn’t let things end like this.

“You don’t ever have to choose me.” Nanami said, clutching his chest as sorrow seemed to pour out of him. God, it hurt, it hurt so bad, but at least he was feeling something. Because that meant that it was real. “You don’t ever have to choose me, because I already chose you.”

She had to feel something. Nanami just knew it.

“Nanami…” Tiana’s voice cracked, and all she could do was shake her head. She couldn’t do this right now.

And by the looks of it, maybe not ever.

This was a mistake, a pretty one too. She fell so hard for the spell that casted on herself, that it ended up being a poison.

Indulge in it? What a fucking joke.

“You’re not being fair.” She finally said, looking at the ground.

“When have we ever been fair to each other? You said it yourself- when has love ever been fair?”

“Don’t say that.”

“You once said,” Nanami took his palms, gently grabbing her face so that she could see him. So that she could see how serious he was, how much she really meant to him. “There's nothing more endlessly beautiful, yet endlessly terrifying than loving someone.”

Tiana’s face looked crestfallen with each word he spoke. How could he use those words against her?

“And falling for you has been the most beautiful, yet petrifying experience,” Nanami laughed, because there was so much irony in his words, but it was the truth. And he wouldn’t have wanted it any other way. If he was going to hurt, then he didn't mind it being at her hand.

“I can’t say that I know exactly what you’ve gone through, I can’t completely share your pain when it comes to that.” One of his hands went to move a curl out of her face, tucking it gently behind her ear, and Tiana shuddered.

“But I can share that fear. The fear of loving someone so deeply that you’re terrified you’ll lose them. And losing yourself to them so much so that you’re terrified you won’t be able to love again. I get that. I get you.”

Nanami wasn’t sure if he was making any sense right now, he just wanted Tiana to stay, and he wanted Tiana to know that he wanted to stay. He was willing to lose everything, willing to even lose his soul if it meant she would open up to him and share that piece of herself.

“Let’s conquer that fear. Together.”

Tiana’s eyes brightened momentarily, her lips twitching, eyes searching as she really pondered her next set of words. But then dulled just as quickly, lips stitched as she closes her eyes. She pulled herself free of his grasp, unable to bear the weight of it all. She was too hollow, and she was convinced that no amount of love Nanami poured into her would fill her up, nor would she ever be able to return a fraction of that. She would just drain him.

She would have swallowed up another star.

She would have destroyed another sun.

This is the best thing that she could do for him.

“I can’t, Nanami.” Her voice cracks as she avoids his loving gaze, one that she had been ignoring for so long, excusing it as something else.

“Maybe you should find someone who you aren’t afraid to love. I've been there...it doesn't end happily."

Nanami stood there, the air knocked out of his chest, his stomach feeling as if it had filled with cement.

She didn’t think that. There’s no way she really feels that way.

She didn't mean it.

“Tiana-”

“I’m sorry for even bringing this up.” She feigns a smile. “Thank you for the trip, but maybe you should…save something like this for Misha. She'd...probably appreciate it more."

The lies felt like burnt bile leaving Tiana’s own mouth, but she had to say it. Misha, even if she was a shit person to her, would treat Nanami the way that he deserved. Nanami wouldn’t have to patch her up, or deal with Misha figuring out how to start her life all over.

It was better this way.

“At least look at me if you’re going to say something so ridiculous.” Nanami spoke with hostility. He just couldn't believe the words that were coming out of her mouth. “So that I know that you mean it.”

Tiana frowns, squeezing her eyes shut. She tries to harden her heart, giving Nanami the most resentful expression possible. Her deepest frown to deter him, her sharpest eyes to cut him. But all Nanami see’s is a woman who refused to be honest with herself and listen to her own heart. He didn't believe her for a moment.

“I mean it.”

Tiana sobbed into her pillow uncontrollably. She had lost him. Though it was on her own accord, and Misha didn’t steal him, it was agonizing just. She willingly gave up on him, instead of watching him fall for someone else because at least then she had a bit of control in that.

But in the end, she still lost. If you forfeit, that doesn’t mean you’ve won. It just meant that you were too much of a coward to put up an actual fight. If you forfeit, you’re simply feigning the power you wish you had to prevail. Because at least if you lose, that means you tried.

But Tiana was right about one thing to be prepared tonight. She was definitely the one who had done the hurting, and the person she hurt most was herself.

ᴘʀᴇᴠɪᴏᴜꜱ ᴄʜᴀᴘᴛᴇʀ | ɴᴇxᴛ ᴄʜᴀᴘᴛᴇʀ | ʀᴇᴀᴅ ᴀʜᴇᴀᴅ | ᴄʜᴀᴘᴛᴇʀ ʟɪꜱᴛ

#tianami #tiana x nanami #fanfic #anime #manga #writing #ao3 fanfic #jujutsu kaisen #misty #crack fic

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