#nah/....im just someone who picks up an instrument sometimes...it doesnt mean anything....

[classicjdiesandgoestohell]

i kinda understand the imposter syndrome of all my musician friends bc even tho i practice bass & keyboard for like 3 hours each every weekend i always feel like im making no progress and that im still an extreme beginner....... even tho ive written multiple songs w multiple parts...........i still feel like i am not good at all. in fact the fact i am seperating myself from them and saying my musician friends even tho i objectively am also one is proof LOL

[hogsteeth-archive]

alright then i answered one of them oc questions things for both versions of ira bc like. why wouldnt i. first answer is 1976 58y/o rhodesian ira, second answer is 201x 16y/o houstonian ira. i just wanted to figure out how different they really are. questions from here. if readmores still dont work on mobile im sorry lmao

what are some things they have strong opinions about?

he has sort of a cioranian attitude to the value of life, like, hes one of them “theres always reason to kill a man, theres no way to justify his living” types. he doesnt believe in nationalism per se but he does believe in war, hes literally a mercenary, and hed probably get along just fine with someone like mike hoare, but hes not one for unnecessary cruelty. hes kind to who he considers innocent. if he was alive today i can see him getting grouped w/ like, anti-natalists, right-wing “primitivists,” people who browse /fo/, people who think theyll thrive in the post-apocalypse even though they cant even spin yarn, people who dont understand fallout, you know, those types, but i like to think his attitude wrt civ is closer to perlmans or, well, mine. its a good thing he doesnt live in internet times. he thinks technology makes people complacent and weak and hes fallen into the trap of the “noble savage” myth; sign of the times. he could just as easily live off the grid in like, alberta, but he chose to stay in southern africa bc of his colonial attitudes & fetishization of the “less developed.” (sidenote, if youre like, new here n reading this for some reason, yea i write like really really bad characters were talking irredeemably evil here, just like, know that im aware of that.) also he detests hippies for both bad and good reasons ⸻ not much, really, hes an opportunist, a hedonist, hes selfish, goes w/ the flow. he thinks denying yourself pleasure for no reason is microfascism — not in those words — and while he doesnt think that selfishness leads to a bettering of overall society, hes no randian, he feels justified in what he does. hes uh, a mercenary in spirit and ive always intended to have him join the marines n later work for a pmc but were nowhere near there yet

what traits do they like in other people? what traits do they not like?

he likes people (men, that is) that are exactly like him. he likes Narrator bc hes just as quiet, as patient, as stubborn, as antisocial (using that the right way here, i like, know about psychology), as violent, as old-timey-ly masculine as he is. he can tolerate clade (his former accountant) bc she keeps to herself and shes loyal to a fault, but he doesnt go out of his way to like, actually talk to her. he likes will bc he reminds him of what he was like as a child living with his matabele mother. ⸻ he hates everything he perceives as weakness, but hes not all that open about that, i think hes not even 100% aware thats what it is. he needs to be talked back to. he lacks compassion, doesnt know how to deal w/ anyone whos less resilient and abrasive than himself.

do they have a significant other? if so, who?

i mean, theres Narrator — thats kinda what this whole thing is about. but theyll never think of each other that way. its complicated. theyre uh… closer to being marlow and kurtz than to being boyfriends. idk how to explain it. its bad. ⸻ hes fake-dating millah for appearances and secretly seeing jack, im not sure about the details either so im not getting into that, but hes eventually gonna meet will; ive written their first encounter like ten different ways and i still dont really know what i wanna do w/ them........ also Complicated

whats their friend group like? what role do they play (leader, mom friend, etc.)?

he lives in a hut he built w/ his bare hands on the edge of the kalahari. his friends are one horse and one vaalboskat. ⸻ he uses his friends but they use him too. hes reasonably popular bc hes athletic n wealthy, but i think the only one of his friends who really truly sees thru his act is millah, and bc he doesnt take her seriously as a threat, she has more control over him than he realizes.

do they care about their physical appearance? whats their routine like?

nah ⸻ not really. he showers too often and his hairs kinda dry but other than that hes like. Normal. idk i dont care about these things

do they have any physical or mental disabilities?

i dont think so ⸻ he has adhd

what would they die for? kill for?

oh hes not picky. he joined the military at 17, hes made peace w/ the prospect of dying. hes been more uncomfortable w/ the thought of growing old, actually. and again, hes literally a mercenary. not a big deal to him. ⸻ i dont think hes selfless enough to die for anyone. hed kill to protect the people he cares about, but thats more just bc hes possessive. im sure thats gonna come up eventually. i cant really write shit w/o weaving murder in somewhere.

do they have any magical powers or abilities? if its a realistic world, what religion do they follow?

absolutely the fuck not i hate magic. hes not religious, actually feels a little intimidated by religion. in one version of his story he spends his 50s on east nusa tenggara where he doesnt live far from a church, and he makes peace w/ the concept of god thanks to the influence of catholic-raised Narrator, but i doubt hell ever actually step foot into a church, or temple, or mosque, or what-have-you. hes internalized some things during his upbringing though that he doesnt classify as religious. little superstitions. he likes to keep objects that may be used for divination around his house, but he never touches them. ⸻ not religious, but if he had to pick, like to pretend, hed say baptist.

do they celebrate any holidays? how do they celebrate?

nah ⸻ like, the regular american ones. hell welcome any excuse to drink and to socialize, and id say his favorite holiday is the 4th of july, really just bc he likes warm weather and theres not a lot else you can celebrate in the middle of summer. hes not attached to the significance of any holidays. hes not crazy about christmas but he likes his family well enough and hell go along w/ it all, just to have sth to do. hes not good w/ time off.

if they were the protagonist in any book series, what series would they choose? alternatively: what would be their favorite book?

he doesnt really read but hed feel right at home inside heart of darkness or maybe the thin red line. or maybe sth by mccarthy ⸻ hes 16 he hasnt read jack shit. i wanna say deleuze would probably resonate w/ him bc hes a total self-insert but i really dont know. i try to keep the intertextuality way low bc i hate that shit in most fiction, so like, i try not to think too much about other books here

do they have any vices?

uh he drinks and he occasionally smokes opium but compared to most of my characters hes pretty okay wrt that ⸻ yea like… all of them. already said hes a hedonist make of that what u will

do they play any instruments?

nope ⸻ violin but he hasnt been practicing a lot lately

what would their favorite ride at an amusement park be?

hes never been to one ⸻ i feel like hed be into sth really lame… like you know that video by jenny nicholson, top ten lame things to do at disney world? sth like that. like hed go just to get a specific food item or to admire the infrastructure

what animal would they say best represents them?

hyena 100%. the spotted kind. id say tortoise also but hed find that insulting ⸻ id say hyena but hed be reluctant to answer that bc hes a Youth and he knows what a furry is

how do they act when theyre drunk?

vulnerable. little more talkative. he talks to himself (or the cat, rather) sometimes ⸻ more abrasive/tactless/impulsive. he talks w/ his whole body and feels like moving/running bc, again, self-insert

which era of history would they most like to live in?

the old west, like early to mid-19th century, maybe late 18th. that or like the really olden days, like mid-paleolithic ⸻ idk maybe like ten or twenty years earlier. i think he fits the 21st century pretty well. hes a curious person though and if he had a time machine hed go Everywhere at least once

whats their favorite food?

ah thats. complicated actually i have a whole list of foods that remind me of Narrator but ive never gotten around to making one for ira. hm. he likes poultry, like ostrich. white fish. dry/salty foods. sour fruit. breadfruit. fatty dark meats, blood sausage. hes not picky though, hell live on pap and water if he has to. ⸻ i genuinely dont know. im not used to the contemporary western setting yet like… pop tarts exist in the same world as he does and im not comfortable w/ that yet. like, branded food articles wrapped in plastic. thats so weird to me. i guess he likes (american) pizza w/ greens on it, like spinach? and seafood. sour candies, maybe, i dont think he has much of a sweet tooth. he puts salt n butter on potatoes and cottage cheese on pancakes.

what songs remind you of them?

conveniently theres a whole playlist rite here

whats their favorite season and why?

dry season. he doesnt like cloudy/foggy weather bc it makes him feel trapped when he cant see as far. ⸻ summer. i honest to god think people liking cold weather is a conspiracy like im not sure thats even biologically possible. like summer is the obvious answer here

which d&d class would they play as?

nah we dont do nerd shit round these parts

whats their favorite expletive?

he like, barely talks ⸻ nothin weird thats for sure, we campaign for simple straight-forward language in this house. having a Favorite is inherently at odds w/ that. bad question

whats their favorite candle scent?

no scented candles in the desert ⸻ sth fruity but not sweet, like mixed berries, sth red or purple

how do they feel about death?

he doesnt ⸻ hed feel cheated by life if he died young. he has a lot to see and do and itd like, bum him out not to get to do that but hes not afraid of death

do they collect anything? whats their most prized possession?

he lives pretty austerely but he does keep little rocks and gems and bones and pieces of wood n such. also coins from all the countries hes been to bc hes a simple old man. i wanna say his most prized possession is his hogs tooth bc he does value the marines a lot still. its where he first met Narrator :-) ⸻ he really appreciates gifts people give him, things that remind him of people. jack carved him an eagle once

do they play any sports?

no ⸻ nothing too organized. i dont think hes on any school teams bc idk if he has the time but that might change. he does run/hunt/fish/shoot

what one place do they really want to visit and why?

he likes deserts, wide open spaces. hes been to the kalahari n namib but not the gobi/sahara/simpson etc, so, those. no ice deserts though those scare him ⸻ polynesia/southeast asia, just tropical places in general. bc theyre nice what do you want me to tell you. tropics good

what languages do they speak?

northern ndebele, afrikaans, english (w/ various influences), some vietnamese ⸻ english, some cajun french, some spanish

what are some items they always carry? what weapon do they favor using if they exist in a world where weapons are necessary?

hes got his fal obviously and he does always carry a knife, just to be safe. more out of habit than actual necessity (not to imply rural areas were safe in the late 70s, but he lives in the literal wilderness, hes not much of a target. stays away from roads and all that.) ⸻ man hes really not as classy as i want him to be :/ he probably has like, a glock 17 w/ ten thousand pointless modifications n some uglyass stipling pattern. hes a little bit paranoid + irresponsible n carries all kinds of shit he doesnt need, mostly way too much cash

which emoji would they use the most?

no ⸻ he doesnt have a phone, hell maybe use a burner if he has to. this is an anti-phone household

what fantasy race would they be? if they already are one, pick a different one.

absolutely not

do they want to start a family? if they already have one, describe it.

no ⸻ no

what stereotypical high school clique would they fit into?

hed swing between the jrotc kids n the stoners honestly, but still mostly keep to himself ⸻ hes like, too much of a jock for the Delinquents, too much of a Delinquent for the jocks. hes really only popular bc hes rich-ish n blessed w/ good looks, and by association w/ millah

whats one thing that they dont need do they waste the most money on?

he doesnt ⸻ everything. hes really wasteful. he buys more food than he can eat, clothes he never wears, etc etc, hes terrible

what kind of shoes do they wear?

combat boots or just traditional sandals. the terrain around his house is mostly grass and flat boulders so he goes barefoot a lot ⸻ regular tennis shoes, nothin too fashionable bc he cant be bothered to keep up w/ trends, but usually clean n new. hiking boots when hes not w/ his regular friend group

do they believe in ghosts, aliens, and the occult in general?

really dont like how aliens are always grouped in w/ esoteric shit bc like, thats like asking if you believe in atoms honestly. no shit “aliens” exist thats like not up for debate. both iræ would agree w/ me here. 70s ira doesnt believe in like, Ghosts per se, but he has some vague concept of spirits that he got from his mother. he sees/feels them when hes half asleep. ⸻ 2010s ira doesnt believe in jack shit

which deadly sin do they most correspond to? which heavenly virtue?

nooo cardinal sins dont work that way theyre not hogwarts houses. its so much more complicated than that thats impossible

if you had to choose one tarot card to represent them, what would it be?

hmmm four of swords? knight of coins? eight of cups? this is hard ⸻ seven of swords? nine of cups? the devil? i dont know

what do they consider to be their best quality? what actually is their best quality?

his strength, which is really just his callousness and lack of convictions. and uh. i guess his independence ⸻ same here for the first part. and. maybe his loyalty? i dont consider loyalty a good thing personally idk

what do they consider to be their worst quality? what actually is their worst quality?

his lack of social skills maybe? he doesnt need them too often of course but like, the first time Narrator showed up at his doorstep he was genuinely nervous and that did fill him w/ some semblance of shame and in his eyes he should be good at everything, so like. that. really its his lack of conviction and his timidness/avoidance of the world ⸻ his dependence on others/lack of discipline. really its his lack of compassion, like, obviously

[myheart-elsewhere]

im bored pt3 || 11/22/17

1. Do you bite or lick ice cream? lick

2. What is home to you? i havent yet figured that out

3. What was the last lie you told? that i was doing great lol

4. Does everyone deserve the truth? for the most part

5. What is the creepiest toy ever made? there are hella creepy toys tbh

6. Describe a moment in which you did something unacceptable in a bad situation. most the shit i do is unacceptable but its whatever.

7. List two things that are more easily done than said. (No, I didn’t mix them up.)  1: using a cell phone bc it can be hard to teach adults how to use them lol. 2: seeing a color vs describing it

8. When was the last time you worked really hard to achieve something? probably in school idk

9. How many all nighters have you pulled? over 15..

10. If humans didn’t evolve to laugh or smile, how would we express our happiness instead? talking excitedly about what made us happy

11. How many romantic “things” or “flings” have you had? depends on how serious you mean, so between 2 and 5.

12. What is your paradise? lisetning to music

13. What is your favorite background noise? (Ex. Water dripping, people talking.) i like the sound of nails tapping on something

14. How many hearts do you think you have broken? hopefully none

15. What is the most important thing about electronics? you can stay in touch with loved ones. 

16. Why do people care about celebrities? Do you care about celebrities? oh jesus here we go. first off, yes- i care about quite a few celebrities. they can make us feel a happiness like no other. if you’re having a bad day, all you need is to hear their voice and the pain goes away. they speak on things that are important and meaningful. they can be our inspirations and role models. when they have a new interview, song (or movie or something else.. whatever your favorite celebrity does) it always gives us something to look forward to. they make you feel less alone. they make you feel loved. i could keep going on but i have 134 more questions..

17. What is the most annoying thing someone can do to you? make plans then cancel last minute.

18. Do you overexaggerate? What are the pros and cons of this? at times, but rarely. pros: it helps get your point across. cons: it can be annoying idk

19. Have you played any instruments before? Which instruments? guitar and piano

20. Do you like taking selfies? Why or why not? if im wearing makeup, yes. i dont have a good reason except that i like my makeup lol

21. List 3 things you like about yourself? im loving, forgiving, and supportive.

22. What is the best advice someone has ever given you? “be yourself”

23. Do you have what it takes to raise a child? Why or why not? currently, probably not.. im basically still a child myself.

24. How do you cheer yourself up after a bad day? listen to 5h

25. When was the last time you felt awkward? today at work

26. Are you introverted or extroverted? Or a mixture of both? i can be both depending on the situation or social setting

27. What constitutes a good friend? them being there for you when you need them, being supportive in everything you do, and loving you unconditionally.

28. Would you rather have a lot of friends to hang out with or just one best friend? my one best friend. i miss her.

29. In a regular day, what do you not want to hear? “do your homework.”

30. What is your dream job? movie director

31. Is it better to be lazy but smart or hardworking but unintelligent? hardworking bc at least you’re trying.

32. What is a truth about yourself that others find hard to believe? some people are shocked that im gay

33. What have you always wondered about the other gender? why men can treat girls like items and/or their property and just throw them away when theyre done..

34. Which fantasy world would you like to visit the most? hm idk

35. Describe the worst friend you have ever befriended. theres been a few but the first one who comes to mind is this girl who talked about herself 24/7 and didnt care about anyone except for herself.

36. Imagine that you have switched bodies with someone you don’t know. You can’t switch back. What do you do? try to figure out life and probably cry lol

37. If you found the recipe for immortality, would you sell it or would you burn it? can i do both?

38. What is the most important, applicable class you have ever taken? school doesnt teach important classes lmfao

39. Name the last book you read. “trials and tribulations” 

40. Imagine that you are unable to express emotion. How would this affect your world? i would feel empty..

41. When was the last time you made the first move? about a month in a half ago

42. What is your opinion on electronic music such as dubstep or trap? i love it

43. What was the last movie you watched? i dont remember bc i rarely watch movies

44. Do you like and appreciate your life? sometimes

45. Do you like and appreciate yourself? sometimes

46. When was the last time you cried? last night

47. What are you scared of? mostly irrational things

48. What is the most embarrassing, cringe-worthy thing you have ever done? let’s not talk about that lol

49. What are some of your hobbies? reading, listening to music, doing my makeup, social media, and fangirling lol

50. What is a superficial yet annoying mistake you constantly make? idk bc im stupid and dont understand what superficial means lol

51. Are you a good friend? What makes you a good friend? If not, what makes you a bad friend? i think im a good friend bc i always put others before myself and i do anything and everything i can to make them happy. and im always there for them.

52. Do you honestly learn from your mistakes? sometimes

53. What have you learned the hard way? how to lose someone you love

54. What is the most important thing to have in order to attain happiness? not rely on others to be your happiness

55. Which medium do you use for expressing your artistic emotions? (Singing, writing, etc.) writing for sure

56. Are you a creative or a logical thinker? both

57. What is the smartest thing you have ever done? smart moments are rare for me

58. What is your ideal meal? steak and potatoes mmmmm

59. What is the worst thing someone could do on a date? be on their phone

60. Do you like animals? Which kind is your favorite? i love animals, specifially dogs

61. If you could turn one legal thing illegal, what would it be? stealing 

62. Do you have any guilty pleasures? si

63. What is the best thing that the internet has ever created? youtube

64. Do you like playing video games? Which video games? supermario lol

65. What is your opinion on beauty in today’s society? everyone views it differently. in my personal opinion, ever since the word “thick” got popular around 2 years ago, more people are apprecating that and not focusing on being “super model thin” which i think is great.

66. Are you a morning person? When do you usually wake up? hell nah. if i have school, around 6am. if i dont have school, around 10am

67. Do you have a favorite Disney movie? Character? HERCULES!!!!!! meg

68. Would you rather live in the city or in the countryside? def city

69. Would you rather live near the ocean or in the mountains? either or

70. What are the best things about winter? COOL WEATHER

71. What scares you most about the future? idk what it holds

72. What makes you feel old? when i realize HSM came out over 10 years ago.

73. How many hours do you spend on the computer or phone on average? too many

74. What are some of your New Year’s resolutions? havent even thought about it bc they never happen lol

75. What is your life story in 6 words? i am really really gay bro

76. Describe yourself in one word. fangirl

77. What bad habits do you do? give out too many chances

78. What genre of music do you listen to? mostly pop, but i listen to a lot of different genres

79. Most prominent childhood memory? getting doughnuts with my dad every saturday mornning

80. Imagine if you had an older brother. If you already have one, what is it like? If you don’t, how would this change your life? i have a brother who is 20 years older than me. he lived in ohio and right after i was born my parents and i moved to florida. i only get to see him like once a year. it’s really sad. i think of him more as a distant uncle than a brother. but he always has done everything he can to make me happy and i appreciate that so much.

81. Spirit animal? jaguar

82. Do you believe in horoscopes? not really

83. What is the worst advice you’ve ever been given? ive been given so much bad advice i cant pick one specific thing lol

84. List the 3 most important people in your life right now. my best friend liv, my aunt lori, and lauren jauregui

85. Favorite memory of your family. being in ohio this past summer staying up til 2am with my parents, my brother and his fiance just telling stories and laughing our asses off.

86. What do you look for in a relationship? affection

87. Do you have a role model? Why or why not? yes, lauren jauregui. i love everything she stands for.

88. What is your opinion on social media? i love it. it’s what keeps you close with family/friends who live in different states or countries for that matter.

89. Are you a pessimist or an optimist? both, but im mostly optimisitic.. well i try to be at least

90. List some things that you think are overpriced? CONCERT TICKETS

91. What is your worst memory or creepiest experience? getting lost outside in the middle of n where after jingle ball 2015

92. What superpower would ruin the world? reading peoples minds tbh

93. What is something you swore you would never do when you grew up, but you did anyway? smoke

94. What lessons have you learned from movies and which movies were they? i cant think of any rn

95. If you could travel anywhere, where would you go? ohio to see my family

96. How do you approach people? i.. just.. do..

97. What is your opinion on first impressions? sometimes they change

98. What are some things you did as a child that you no longer do? bite my nails

99. What languages can you speak? english and quite a bit of spanish

100. What do you think society will be like in 30 years? who knows

101. What do you do on your lazy days? lay in my pjs, play on my phone and listen to music

102. What ended your last relationship? it wasnt an actual relationship, but she couldnt make up her goddamn mind and she wanted to be a fuckgirl

103. Favorite food? sushi and steak

104. What is the most terrifying dream you’ve ever had? oooo lets not talk about that..

105. When was the last time you got seriously angry? 3 days  ago

106. What was the last friendship you broke? one of my “best friends” bc she didnt like that i was friends with someone she didnt like

107. Do you have any pet peeves? people chewing with their mouth open

108. Who was the last person you gave a hug to? my papa

109. When was the last time you got seriously stressed? last week

110. What part of your personality do you want to change? that i procrasinate everything

111. Who is the most positively influential person in your life right now? lauren jauregui

112. What is your biggest motivation? my best friend

113. What did you want to be when you were little? a veternarian lol

114. What are some things that you are good at? makeup

115. What is one thing you want to be good at? singing lol

116. What distracts you the most, especially when you’re trying to work? probably my phone although i don’t want to admit it lol

117. How important is privacy to you? pretty important.. but it depends on who we want privacy from

118. If you could create one social norm, what would it be? everyone being nice to each other

119. What’s the craziest lie you’ve ever told? i trust no one so that stays to myself for my own well-being

120. What story do you like to tell about yourself at parties? i dont go to parties

121. What is the lamest thing that you have seen someone do? show off on a skateboard lmao

122. What is the stupidest thing you’ve done to impress someone? told them i have a pt cruiser but thats not even a nice car lmao

123. What is your morning routine? on a typical school day: wake up, check my phone, do my hair/makeup, get dressed, eat then leave.

124. What’s the last thing you did that is worth remembering? made a good sale at work today and it was my first day of my first job.

125. If karma was coming back to you, would it help or hurt you? both but mostly help me.

126. What is your opinion on playing “hard to get?” its stupid

127. What are the pros and cons of straightforward? pros: you dont have to be afriad of not being honest. cons: it could make someone really mad at you.

128. What do you consider “leading” someone on? telling them you like them and consistenly flirting with them.

129. Are you the friendzoner or the friendzoned? both

130. What do you admire most about your friends? they try to make me happy

131. What do you admire most about your family? they want the best for me

132. What is your opinion on “going with the flow?” ehh stand out, be different

133. Do you enjoy talking or listening? i enjoy talking, but i almost always listen

134. When is it time to end a friendship? when they become a selfish little bitch

135. What is the worst excuse you’ve ever come up with? the excuses i make up to get out of going to school

136. If GPA didn’t matter, what courses would you have taken? idk im not interested in school

137. What are your favorite baby names? paris

138. When was the last time you had a deep conversation with someone? few days ago

139. What instantly ruins a conversation? checking your phone

140. Biggest turn ons and turn on offs. turn ons: confidence (but not cockiness), being outgoing, being able to have a conversation, and a good fashion sense (fashion sense in my opinion haha). cons: ooo being conceited and only talking about yourself.

141. Biggest disappointment. me lmao

142. Do you have any self-restraint? i do.

143. When did you last do something outside of your comfort zone? last week

144. Prized possession(s)? honestly, my phone. and a bracelet my best friend gave me,

145. What is your opinion on second chances? most people deserve it.

146. Text or call? depends on the person tbh

147. What do you like about the 21st century? it has social media

148. What advice would you give to yourself 5 years ago? stay strong, babygirl. youre gonna go through a lot in the next 5 years, but you need to be strong and know you will fight through it all and come out stronger than you were before. nothing is what it seems. nothing lasts forever. expect the least and you’ll get the best. and remember, a smooth sea never made a skilled sailor.

149. How organized are you? too organized. 

150. Favorite mode of transportation. car