#n its been wonderful. i can be treated as a cis guy

[pastelghostbro]

-kicking and making disgruntled noises-

[gcldenharvey]

“The lower you fall, the higher you’ll fly” - Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club

The Basics:

Name: Harvard Hargrove III

Nicknames: Harvey, Harv, Goldie, Veevee

Age: 19

Birthday: March 31st, 1979

Gender: Cis man

Pronouns: He/him/his

Sexuality: Straight

Major: Business

Former school: UCLA

Job: N/A, his dad still completely supports Harvey financially

Faceclaim: Jacob Elordi

Personality Positives: Magnetic, extroverted, athletic

Personality Negative: Wrathful, duplicitous, destructive

About:

YOU'RE THE GUY EVERYONE WANTS TO BE. QUARTERBACK, POPULAR KID. THE FACADE LOOKS PERFECT ON THE OUTSIDE, BUT INSIDE YOU'RE CRUMBLING. YOU'RE GETTING ANGRY AT THE WORLD IN A WAY THAT YOU'VE NEVER BEEN BEFORE. YOU GO OUT LATE AT NIGHT LOOKING FOR FIGHTS; CRAVING THE FEELING OF GETTING YOUR FISTS WET WITH BLOOD, BUT YOU'RE DOING EVERYTHING YOU CAN TO HIDE THAT PART OF YOURSELF FROM EVERYONE AROUND YOU. YOUR FATHER GROWS MORE DISAPPOINTED BY THE MINUTE, AND EVERY SINGLE DAY YOU THINK ABOUT RUNNING AWAY. BUT NOW THAT EVERYONE YOU LOVE IS BACK IN TOWN, HOW ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO LEAVE? YOU AND LUX WERE CHILDHOOD NEIGHBORS. YOU GREW UP MAKING MUD PIES, AND SNEAKING OUT TO PARTIES TOGETHER. LOOKING IN THROUGH HER BEDROOM WINDOW GETS HARDER EVERY SINGLE DAY. YOU KNEW SHE WASN'T PERFECT, BUT YOU WERE OKAY WITH THAT... NOBODY IS PERFECT. BUT SOMETIMES YOU WONDER IF YOU WERE THE ONLY ONE WHO KNEW THAT SIDE OF HER. YOU KIND OF HOPE YOU WERE.

Secrets:

The Small Stuff: At UCLA, Harvey found his way into an underground fight club, which he quickly grew to adore. Rising through the ranks with remarkable speed, Harvey learned that the best way to stop someone looking at you funny is to make sure he can’t see straight. Now, back in Cherry, his entire body itches for a fight he can’t find a release for.

The Big Stuff: YOU WERE ARRESTED FOR AGGRAVATED ASSAULT AT YOUR LAST COLLEGE, AND SHOULD HAVE FACED JAIL TIME. THANKS TO YOUR FATHER'S MONEY, THE PROBLEM WAS HIDDEN IN THE SHADOWS AND YOU WERE ALLOWED TO QUIETLY TRANSFER... BUT YOU KNOW IT CAN'T BE THAT SIMPLE. YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE IN THE GANG WHO WAS PLANNING TO COME BACK TO CHERRY ANYWAY, BUT YOU'RE NOT GOING TO TELL ANYONE. IF EVEN ONE PERSON FOUND OUT ABOUT WHAT YOU AND YOUR FATHER DID, IT WOULD END YOUR CAREER BEFORE IT EVEN STARTED, AND COST YOUR FATHER HIS OWN. AKA, YOU WOULD BOTH BE ROYALLY FUUUUUUUCKED. NOT TO MENTION THE FACT THAT NOBODY WOULD EVER LOOK AT YOU THE SAME.

The Interview:

“HOW DO YOU FEEL NOW THAT EVERYONE IS BACK IN CHERRY?”

The grin that stretched across Harvey’s face was wide and bright and he leaned forward in the chair, that one too-short leg of it rocking forward to hit the ground as Harvey leaned forwards towards Clarissa. Only someone that knew the boy well would have caught the tension running along the sides of his eyes that pulled on the smile, making it appear just a touch brittle. “Oh it’s great,” Harvey said, voice carrying easily through the small room. “This is where we all came from, this is what made us all who we are and now…” Harvey trailed off, swallowing around a lump in his throat. The smile had faded entirely but with effort, Harvey managed to bring it back, though it was a pale shadow of its original form. “With Lux gone, I think we’re going to need each other. Or, well, most of each other. There are some people I could have gone my entire life without seeing again!” A light laugh punctuated that statement, but the creak of wood underneath Harvey’s hands as they gripped the wooden arm of the chair with a white-knuckled tension spoke louder than the laughter.

He consciously relaxed his hand, before bringing it over to smooth down a non-existent wrinkle in his pants. He knew coming here without a drink or three was a bad idea. Harvey didn’t think about the bags that had remained unpacked since he had gotten back to town that now lay scattered along his dorm room like soldiers on a battlefield, quietly saying that tomorrow, surely, he would leave. He didn’t think about the ever-growing hole in the plaster he was hiding in his closet. It had formed when he heard the news, that everyone, everyone minus Lux was back, for better or for worse. The worse, Harvey had reflected in those rare moments of peace that he only ever found in the moments after a punch was thrown, seemed far more likely, given the fucking bullshit of the past few years. No, Harvey didn’t think about any of this, and just smiled at Clarissa instead. “It’s definitely going to be interesting.” And that was the most honest thing he had said thus far.

“WHERE DO YOU SPEND MOST OF YOUR FREE TIME?”

“Well,” Harvey began, leaning towards Clarissa with an expression well-known in town forming across his face. It was the look he got when he was flirting and was supposed to make him look mysterious and yet approachable. Whether or not it actually did that, Harvey had no idea. No one had ever bothered to tell him. It seemed to work often enough for him to believe it had some validity. “If you’re wondering where you might find me for a bit of fun, you can always check the track. I’m usually there in the mornings before class. If that doesn’t work, you can probably find me on the beach, or at the best party in town.” He winked. “I know how to have a good time. If you’re ever looking for one, hit me up.”

That all was true. Harvey wasn’t in the habit of lying to beautiful women, after all. Not if it meant some fun could be had in the future. Lying about everything else? Yeah, sure, that’s fair game, but not that. It just fit too well with the rest of how people expected Harvey to be for him to not take full advantage. Plus, it was fun. But even though it might have been true, that didn’t make it fully honest. Harvey would never tell anyone, though, just how much time he spent in The Pit, or how the sounds of The Garage provided a steady pounding noise that focused Harvey like nothing else as he hung around it hoping to one day ask for a job. But that wasn’t the charming athletic party boy his father had told him to become, or else, and so those places, the places that saw more of Harvey than anywhere else, remained a secret.

“WOULD YOU CALL YOURSELF POPULAR?

It was the first genuine sound Harvey thought he had made during the entire time he had been in that room, and it punctured the air like a pin through a balloon. “I wouldn’t go that far,” Harvey hedged, using his hands to make his point, “I don’t exactly have a huge friend group and there’s a few people in town now that I’m pretty damn sure aren’t my biggest fan.” Harvey shrugged with one shoulder, the hand of the other going up to scratch behind his ear in a nervous gesture he never quite managed to break. “But yeah, I guess, if you wanted to, you could call me that. I was quarterback, you know, and definitely never had problems getting any dates to the dances. If that’s all popularity is, then I guess you could call me a popular kind of guy.”

They never ask what all that costs, Harvey reflected. The thought sent a bolt of fury, bright and true like lightning, straight through his body into his gut. He shifted slightly in the chair which rocked with the movement. Harvey shifted again and it rocked back. He decided not to move again any time soon. The noise of it made that burning in his chest that much stronger and he could feel his jaw clenching with the effort it took to appear unaffected. Not for the first time, Harvey thanked his lucky stars he had as much practice with that as he did. He also cursed them in equal measure, for forcing his shoulders to learn to carry that weight without crumbling. But what was it that Dad always said? ‘No one expects you to change anything, Harvey. All we ask you to do is soldier through to the other side’? Words to live by, apparently. He couldn’t stop the snort that escaped at that thought, but he waved off Clarissa’s curious look. “Sorry. Old joke from the locker room. Nothing you’d want to hear.”

“DO YOU REALLY THINK LUX KILLED HERSELF? ”

“I do.” The words came easily, without thought. Harvey knew he had thought about this a lot, considered it while laying in bed or while driving to the next party. It forced its way into nearly every moment of his life, and though he had done his best to drown it out, Harvey hadn’t managed to yet. “I lived next door to her, right? Our bedrooms were right across from each other and I knew she wasn’t perfect. I think she knew I wasn’t perfect either. But I saw things, overheard things.” He shrugged again, this time with both shoulders. “It wasn’t easy on her and I think she just took the fastest way out she could.” The smile that came across Harvey’s face now was tinged in heartbreak and the weights he felt ties to his shoulders every day. “I kinda get why she did it, too. There’s only so long you can tread water before your arms and legs just give out and you drown.” He shifted backwards and the chair moved with him. “I’ve seen it happen. I’ve had it happen.”

Headcanons:

While Harvey is majoring in business, this is entirely because this is what his father expected of him, and as he’s spent his entire life living up to those expectations, it seemed easier, at the time, to just go along with it. He doesn’t like it though.

That old muscle car Harvey drives is the last thing he has of his mother, who died when he was seven. She willed that car to him and he treats it better than he treats some people. It is his most prized possession.

Harvey knows that in order to leave town like he desperately wants, he needs a job to get his own money. But getting a job would lead to questions from his father, from people around town, everyone. He can’t have that. Harvey has a reputation to maintain after all, and so he feels as if he’s in a form of limbo right now.

Lux and Harvey used to sneak out through their bedroom windows, sometimes helping the other get across the roof or down onto the pavement below. Harvey fondly remembers those times, how it all felt like a secret he was in on that no one else knew about. There was a unity in it, an understanding that they were both running away from something. Now that Harvey wants to leave Cherry for real, he almost feels an obligation to do it for Lux.

The man is heterosexual, almost to a fault. He has absolutely forgotten to attend get-togethers with friends or to finish up homework in favor of a date with a beautiful woman.

His favorite subject in high school, much to the surprise of all that knew him, was English. He really enjoyed discussing the books. Writing the papers, however, was a real drag and his work never really reflected his understanding of the material. This only lead more to the perpetuation of the “dumb jock” stereotype as he talked a lot but got horrible grades. Despite this, he bought a copy of every book they read and kept them.

Harvey’s favorite kinds of movies are action-comedies. His favorite movie is Ghostbusters but he has a secret soft-spot for movies like The Dead Poet’s Society and Sixteen Candles. He would, however, break the nose of anyone that shared this piece of information.

He failed his driver’s test three different times because he kept blowing through red lights.

He is allergic to strawberries. This was discovered back in Kindergarten with a snack that had strawberry jam. It caused his throat to swell up and for him to be sent to the hospital. This was the first time Harvey was at the center of the school’s focus but it wouldn’t be the last. Harvey grew to love the idea of being at the focus of everything and turned to sports to fulfill that desire.

Pinterest

[popesona]

people who throw the word transtrender left and right and claim that people are all faking whatever to gain snowflake points unless they have debilitating and obvious dysphoria aren’t helpful lol you can point out that cis women can feel dysphoria because womanhood is a scam and that not feeling totally comfortable with femininity doesn’t necessarily mean you’re a trans boy or non-binary without being Like This because being Like This just makes people who are questioning and unsure and unable to fully identify dysphoria feel even worse, as if we chose to go through this fuckery because it’s fun and games and we’ll receive cookies from The Woke Elite

at least for me, gender questioning isn’t an enjoyable experience. i didn’t even begin questioning my gender because i was immersed in gender/trans discourse or because i was stereotypically masculine and this made me think “oh maybe i’m non-binary/a boy” i’ve never been masculine, i wasn’t that immersed into this discourse and when i saw things about it, it didn’t personally resonate with me, i never was like “oh being trans is special/cool/interesting i wonder how it’s like” or whatever, shit just happened. i started looking at androgynous people/androgynous clothing, especially androgynous men, and being like HM I WISH I LOOKED LIKE THAT, when people would [acknowledge something associated with men in me] i’d be weirdly glad and felt some anxiety/distress over it but mostly i brushed it off because who cares

then months later i got increasingly more agitated about my looks but not specifically about my sex characteristics and then i started presenting more masc and suddenly my self-esteem was better than it had ever been before, but it was still shitty and when i walked on the streets i’d feel [ugh] knowing people would read me as a tomboy instead of a feminine boy and from that it just spiralled down, i had to tell someone because i was having dreams about this often and feeling great amounts of anxiety and guilt and shame

communicating this/exploring what i was feeling led to zero cookies, it just led to putting my relationship at risk, a lot of distress over meeting guys on tinder who thought i was a guy and having to be like “so..”, my aunt being like why do you want to wear men’s clothes and shit like that, and it’s not fun to have this like a cloud hovering over my head plus the emotionally stunting “BUT MAYBE IM MANUFACTURING ALL OF THIS FOR ATTENTION AND SNOWFLAKE POINTS AND IM A TRANSTRENDER OR WANTING TO ESCAPE OPPRESSION OR I JUST HAVE REALLY FUCKING SHITTY SELF-ESTEEM MAYBE I’M INVENTING A REASON TO SUFFER BECAUSE I’M A BYRONIC SELF-ABSORBED PIECE OF SHIT”

even though what the fuck would i gain from this. i’m hesitant to even post about this here. i’m hesitant about talking about this with my therapist and with my closest friend who supported me. i have no other active social media, i’m irrelevant/not participative on tumblr to gain any validation among groups who are affirming towards trans people, my friends are cishet as fuck, unaware/dismissive of most of the discourse that happens here about the specifics of lgbt people, i’m not involved in any lgbt groups irl, people on dating apps are weird as fuck with this, my family would snap and pastors would be coming to my house trying to pray for me, what the fuck could i gain with this dfjytioopktlçfdglyok

and how i’ve said in the beginning i know full well that discomfort with gender related stuff can come from not only being trans and that a lot of cis women might feel like they’re not quite women because they don’t fit a stereotypical role, because they’re not pretty like the standard, because they’re gnc, or that dysphoria can overlap with body dysmorphia or shitty self-esteem or dude whatever, everything can happen

but i don’t even feel a disconnection with a lot of the roles i was assigned as a woman. the most disconnection i feel is with being soft and pretty and angelical because i feel like an ugly cavernous goblin even when i’m technically being pretty, but overall im what you’d call feminine. i think girly clothes are cute, my mannerisms are feminine, my tastes and traits are stereotypical, i’m more emotional and passive and i relate to hysterical woman in fiction but still when i think about people perceiving and treating me as a boy, not being able to tell i was born with a pussy and about having the physical traits cis men have (not all of them though and this is another source of AM I FAKING IT) i feel ‘yes id like this’ and it’s a Big Oof. this happened overnight as fuck so i’m still not being able to process and accept this

also i know that to others i’m more beautiful when i look like a gender-conforming cis girl, still my self-esteem only improved significantly without needing external approval when i started looking more like a boy. i look at some of my girly photos and i can be like “ok im pretty in this” but the ones i like the most are my looking-like-a-boy photos even if others would disagree that they are better 

plus i hate m*n and when the questioning arised, even if very vaguely i was like LOL NOPE NO WAY I CAN RELATE TO THIS CATEGORY OF SCUM ON ANY LEVEL so i’d have to come to terms with that and i’m not ready TRRJIGHFKJG

[mottski]

t update, month two (and a little bit)

has it really been two months, jesus christ

-hairs. so much hairs. i swear to god they don’t come in slowly either, like one day my arm hair only goes to one spot on my biceps and the next day its like a solid inch further. alternatively: i’m very bad at paying close attention to things consistently 

-my voice is stabilizing more. i’m not sure if it’s done dropping yet but i don’t think it’s gonna get much lower. it’s still...a bit inconsistent coming out of my mouth. it’s never cracked (outside of singing) i think bc i’m trained in how to get my voice to do what i want it to, but sometimes i’ll talk in a much lower pitch than i expect. which is nice but slightly odd. 

-speaking of voice, i’m gendered 100% as male over the phone now. it’s that low. its lower than some of my cis coworkers’ voices. its legit fantastic. on the other hand: “thanks man” sounds distressingly close to “thanks ma’am” 

-its also mostly stopped rising in pitch as i wear it out from singing a lot in the car on long drives for work. i can also more consistently belt shit out and it sounds good 

-i’m still forgetting that my body like really, really needs protein so i’ll eat my former amount of breakfast (so like one (1) cereal) at like 10 in the morning and then think i’ll be fine until i get home at like 6:30 at night. big surprise: i’m absolutely not and by like 4 i’m getting hunger shakes. will i someday consistently remember this happens? hell no.

-my creeper stache is in now and i’m torn between liking it and going “god this looks bad” at any given time. BUT!!! i just got minoxidil (the active ingredient in rogaine) at like 45% off on amazon (hell yeah) so i’m smearing that on my face. we’ll see what happens in about two weeks ish, that’s when it tends to start doing hair stuff

-still fighting the good fight against pizza face and still losing. thankfully i didn’t toss out all my concealer cause hooo boy. i probably have 2-3 more months of this puberty bs at the least. 

-mood wise, i’m far more assertive than before, which is generally good. i have big issues standing up for myself and calling out people’s bullshit or mistakes normally. i’m also grouchier of a driver, i’ve noticed. i used to be much more forgiving of people’s dumbass moves on the freeways through here but now i’m like >:|

-my anxiety’s changed, too, which i was wondering about. a trans youtuber mentioned his changing and almost vanishing entirely around two months on T and lo and behold...

-its not actually gone, but i’m less anxious about phone calls and social interactions. i’m more anxious about other things tho, like how i’m being read by cis people, and cis guys in particular, so it’s not like my overall anxiety level’s gone down. it’s just shifted targets. not necessarily bad, tho.

-one of my coworkers is moving, so we’re bringing in a new person which is kinda terrifying. like if someone’s around me for more than a few minute customer interaction, i absolutely do not read as cis and i’m fine with that. i don’t want to read as cis. but that means a new employee is gonna be real confused real quick and i’m just praying we don’t get a transphobe or homophobe 

-the racist with internalized transphobia and homophobia is bad enough, i’d rather not have to deal with more

-SPEAKING OF, he hasn’t misgendered me since that weekend a few weeks back buuut he also hasn’t had the opportunity to refer to me by pronouns alone since then. we’re working sat/sun together next weekend, which i’m already dreading, but god i’m lowkey itching for him to cause boy im gonna snitch on him real fast. i really, really want that opportunity.  r e a l l y     w a n t .

-i think i have a mild allergy to the oil that T is carried in in my injections bc unless i get the very side of the injectable area on my leg, the shot site gets itchy for daaaays and that sucks. it’s not very bad tho, i can deal w/ it. 

-fat distribution has kicked into high gear and i’m Not Liking It. its all migrated from my ass and chest to my stomach and it’s kinda uncomfortable. like yes sure there’s nothing wrong w/being fat or chubby but it makes me feel Soft and Curved and boy howdy do i not like feeling those things. it’s finally nice out here (for the week. iowa weather is extremely crazy and i wouldn’t be surprised if it freezes again) so i’m gonna start walking n stuff i think. 

-my muscles keep on growing and veeeery fast. 

-i think related to that, my body loves it when i stretch. like it feels so good, which is bizarre. like every muscle is like “MMM YES AHHHH STRETCH GOOD” 

-bi update: still gayer than i thought, still finding it mildly hilarious bc here i thought i was a gotdamn lesbian for like two years. 

-its absolutely fucking bizarre how differently cis men treat you if they ID you as female vs male. on deliveries its so much more relaxed and friendly now that i’m 99% ID’d as a younger man vs how it was when i was ID’d as a woman. its legitimately wild and kinda disturbing. like wtf, cis men. w t f 

i think that’s it, eyy